Shelley's Diary
2010

January 1st- Monday

Today sucked. I mean, really sucked. I was out walking when all of a sudden, I got a brainwave. What if I took my lunch money and saved it up for that new limited edition MP3 my parents
refused to buy me? I thought it was brilliant, but come lunch time I felt like a stick insect. I'm a girl who loves food, and I'm not ashamed that it shows. So for me to watch my friends chomping away at
their lasagne and apple crumble and custard was torture. Fortunatley my cousin Kim doesn't like school meals so I ate hers, but Monday is the only day she's dinners, the rest of the week she packs herself a lunch.
When I got home my Dad was motionless in front of the TV and and as usual he had a can of beer in his hand. He was in exaclty the same position as he was when I left that morning, and I suspected the
can was actually empty. I checked our fridge, and it was packed with cans. A few chocolate bars and sausage rolls were sqweezed in there, and I took one of each up to my room. Mum was a prostitute, but she wasn't on the job until seven, so she was most likely out with he friends. I listened to my music at full blast, and noshed away. Around six my Mum came in and gave me a takeaway pizza. My faveourite toppings; ham, pineapple and bacon. Extra of each, and a dip for my crusts. I ate it, and after I thought about calling Charlie, my bezzie. But she'd be at the skate park and wouldn't answer her phone. So I went downstairs and sat with Dad. He asked about my day, and I told him everything, even missing out on lunch and pocketing the money. He would forget it by the morning.
I wrote at the top that today sucked, and you must be wondering why. Well, it sucked because it was just like every other day, and I was bored of the same routine over and over again. Wouldn't you be?

January 5th- Friday

I haven't wrote in here because I can't be bothered to repeat myself. But today I got the MP3, my Mum brought it for me as a present. She's always doing that. So I put all the money I had saved up in her purse. I wouldn't use it. And I liked to pretend that I had a nice normal life like cousin Kim. Thats all I wrote in here for really.

January 7th- Sunday

You won't believe it! Mum resined from prostituting! How great is that!? Dad didn't say anything, just got another beer and turned the volume on the TV up. I hugged her and told her how proud I was. She hugged me back, and took me out for lunch. I had a prawn sandwich, and Mum had a coffee. She was quiet, almost resigned as if she wasn't sure of me. I didn't try to talk, experience told me if she had anything to say she would say it. We went to the cinema, but before she had even chose a film Dad called her. We've just got home. And I have to go downstairs, Dad wants me.

I HATE HIM! He had a go at Mum for treating me, he said I didn't deserve it,and neither did she. He yelled at me for letting Mum treat me, and then told me I wasn't to have tea or breakfast for the next week. I kept my mouth shut but Mum didn't, she yelled at him. She said that she was fed up of him, ordering us about like he was something. I tried to escape upstairs, but he grabbed my hair and punched me in the stomache until I was sick. Mum tried to smash a bottle over his head, but he grabbed her wrist and bent it back. I'm sure its broke, but Mum won't let me call an ambulance. She said it doesn't hurt, even though she was screaming when he did it. I still feel sick, and I've stayed away from him. I hope that he's better tomorrow.

January 10th- Wednesday

I haven't had the time to write in here. I've been to busy avoiding my Dad. Can people just randomly get rabies? Because I think that's what he has. He's being voilent, like I have a black eye because I told him I had done my homework. He hit me, and shouted that I was too cheeky for my own good. I locked myself in the bathroom and burst into tears. He knocked on the door and called out that he was sorry, and he was just a stupid drunk old man who needed love. I opened the door and fell into his waiting his arms. He hugged me and then took me into my bedroom. He brushed my hair, and apologised for the bruise that was starting to swell over my eye. Then he told me I was his special girl, and that he loved me very, very much. And he did something to me, that I don't want anyone to know, but this is secret and my friends will never find out? Dad proved he loved me very much by raping me. And I still can't get rid of the feeling of disgust and hatred. But it's not for him, it's more for me. I let him do it, and it's all my fault.

January 28th- Sunday

It's been ages, weeks since I wrote in here. Partly because Dad found it and confiscated it because he said I was writing lies. He screamed in my face, and then tried to stab me with a pair of nail scissors. Luckily they aren't very dangerous and I got away virtually unharmed. But my arm still aches, and what's worse is my teachers are starting to suspect something. How long will it be before they ask questions? I fear for my safety, but I'm too scared to confess of my biggest fear. Seems weird, that my biggest threat is in my sanctuary, and it is a person I would normally look to for safety. Every solution leads to the same thing; a beating from my father. But I can't do anything, am I really destined to be one of those poor children you see on those pathetic charity adverts? I don't want to end up like that. What have I done to upset him? Was it because I ate that sandwich? Because I got a new MP3 player? I don't understand!!

January 31st- Wednesday

One month, and everything has gone wrong. And Dad did something I never thought he would ever do. He and Mum were fighting because Mum had poured all of the beer down the sink. She told him she had had enough of his voilent behaviour, that it wasn't fair that she and I were living in fear from someone we were meant to love. She had a point, but I stayed upstairs. Their shouting turned to screaming, and then it just stopped. My Dad called me, and he sounded oddly calm. Like when he was calling to me on the first night that he... y'know. I went downstairs, but cautiously. And froze at the bottom of the staris. My mouth tried to scream but my lungs weren't working and I couldn't get any air into my system. I managed a choked cry, and I fell to my knees. My Mum was lying on the floor, her eyes and mouth gaping open, blood trickling down her chin. But what I couldn't look away from was the knife sticking out of her stomache, her intestines spilling out onto the carpet. I began to sob, and then I turned to my Father screaming at him "what have you done?". I ran, out of the house screaming for help. He chased me, knocking me to the ground and lying on top of me. He showed me the bloodstained knife, the knife that he had used to rip through my Mother's flesh. He raised it, and if my next door neighbour hadn't crashed into him he would have killed me. There and then, and I knew it. Within minutes I was surrounded by police. They asked questions, but I just pointed at the spot where he had pinned me to the ground.

I'm living with my cousin now, Kim. She's nice, but I have nightmares every night. He's in prison. And he has to stay there. I hope.

September 22nd- Saturday

He's out. I don't know how, but he's out. He isn't allowed near me, but just for safety measures my uncle has relocated us. But what if he finds me? It's all my fault, Mum dying. And he'll punish me for it. I murdered her, and put him in prison. No, he held the knife. But wasn't his anger at me? I've lost weight, I refuse to eat anything in case it sets him off. He's far away, but in the night he's here with me, in my room. And I can't get that gruesome image out of my head. Maybe something will help. I know.


November 18th- Tuesday

Happy birthday Mum.
I know what I have to do, and I'll be with you soon. I promise it will be like old times. Please meet me Mum, don't make me have to wait in Hell for him. I hope that Kim finds this diary. I live her, and I hope when she reads this, she'll finally understand.

Impressum

Tag der Veröffentlichung: 28.08.2011

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