Inhalt

Index

Chapter 1 - Extreme Dickens - Page 4

Chapter 2 - The Day Santa Got Whacked - Page 9

Chapter 3 - Psycho Santa the Serial Killer - Page 14

Chapter 4 - Chistmas Board Games - Page 18

Chapter 5 - The Ghost of Christmas Past - Page 21

Chapter 6 - Ru Paul Rudolph - Page 26

Chapter 7 - Santa's Sexual Harassment Bag Page 29

Chapter 8 - J. Edgar Hoover Christmas Doll - Page 34

Chapter 9 - The First Thanksgiving - Page 38

Chapter 10 - Catholic Barbie Dolls - Page 41

Chapter 11 - Bubble Light Ramble - Page 44

Chapter 12 - Christmas D.O.A. Film Noir - Page 48

Chapter 13 - Creepy Christmas Toys - Page 52

Chapter 14 - Pop Culture Christmas - Page 55

Chapter 15 - Christmas on Acid - Page 58

Chapter 16 - Merry Sexmas - Page 61

Chapter One - Extreme Dickens

Extreme Dickens

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.” It is also the wrong opening hook of the wrong Dickens novel to be quoting from during this or any holiday season.

“A Christmas Carol” by C. Dickens has been and always will be a classic holiday tale since it first emerged from the pen and literary placenta of the 19th Century. Ebeneezer Scrooge, Tiny Tim, and three go! go! ghosts have blazed their merry ass trail into the collective Christmas cranium for generations past, generations present and generations to come. My Gen, your gen, gen’s on the holiday horizons...it just won’t go away!

Many adroit adaptations have graced live theater and blazed brightly in the silver screen. They have been linguistically performed in just about every language spoken on this blue orb of Babel. The films have been a showcase for E. Scrooge for everyone from Henry Winkler to George C. Scott. But...what if Dickens were alive today...and produced his own version for the TNT network...ladies and gentlemen I give you Extreme Dickens..and Robert Osbourne.

“This is Robert Osbourne for TNT classic movies.Tonights feature presentation is a new spin on an old classic. A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens. In this updated somewhat ribald version we have Al Pacino starring as Ebeneezer “Scarface” Scrooge, a feared Cuban drug dealer with a penchant for red leisure suits who directs a world wide drug operation and invites us the viewers to say hello to his little friends...the Elvis Elf Cartel. This time at Christmas when it snows it blows and goes up the nose! His arch rival is Snow White played by Tim Curry as Kim Kardashian who runs a group known simply as the Magnificent Seven bi-sexual Dwarves. The version has made other changes in keeping with the spirit of Americana. 18th century England with a bunch of Cockney accents has immagrated and Scrooge now operates out of a broken down ranch in the small town of Tony, Montana.

Scarface Scrooge works his minions hard even on Christmas Eve so that night while sleeping in his compound, his former partner, Marley, no, not Jacob, but Bob Marley visits him...Marley is dead and is a reggae ghost now and is played by former white as white can be Senator Strom Thurmond who was cast perfectly in the role as he is dead now too, and even when alive he looked dead so heads or tails, he was dead on perfect for the role..he was useless in Congress after all. Scrooge who certainly lacks anything resembling the C-Mas spirit is told by marley, “Hey Mon, tonight you will be visited by three little pigs...or three bears maybe..or three ghosts...I can’t remember which.” To which Pacino-Scrooge replies….”Fredo, I love you like a brother, but if you ever go against the family again…”

The ghosts by the way are the ghost of Christmas Past played by Christopher Walken, the ghost of Christmas present portrayed by Steve Buscemi and the Ghost of Christmas Future is played to perfection by Gary Busey. Together they are The Three Reservoir Dogs of Dickensonia!

Along the journey into the fast paced pinball world of fast forward, reverse and neutral that evening, Scrooge encounters Sugar Plum Fairies brilliantly portrayed by the Ru Paul Drag Team where the colored girls do indeed take a walk on the wild side going do do do do do do...etc etc..and Pee Wee Herman grabs his rain coat as Little Joe who never once gave it away…everybody had to pay and pay.

In this Sam Peckinpah-esque cinematic romp we also encounter Santa Claus, portrayed by Mickey Rourke and also features Kim Bassinger as they reprise their 9 and a Half Weeks characterizations with cookies and milk, a favorite scene of the BDSM crowd when they run out of snuff films. Rumour has it Mickey underwent cosmetic surgery and played the role of Bassinger as well!

Bob Cratchit, played by Reefer Sutherland works as an accountant for Scarface Scrooge and cooks the company books and launders the money into legit business operations and offshore bank accounts...he also has a little cripple son...Tiny Tim played by Joe Pesci who has a game leg from an old bullet wound and a mouth like a sailor. So much for sympathy for the little tyke…”Do I amuse you? Funny How?” At this point Ray Liotta enters the scene for no apparent reason.

After Scarface has his nightly encounters he has a change of heart and his heart if filled with the Christmas Spirit. “I don’t mind the ghosts,” he mused, “but a wet dream would have been better!”

He leaps out of bed...puts on his holiday shoulder holster and greets passerby on the early morning Christmas streets. “Get the fuck out of my way you cock-a-roach!” Just then Rudolph the Commie Red reindeer appears guiding a red zeppelin with 8 tiny reindeer. An 8-track of Jimmy Page guitar solos blasting away with the holiday stairway to heaven holiday spirit.

He rushes to the Crachit household with a Christmas goose, and presents including a pair of fishnets for Mrs. Crachit.He also gives the oldest Crachit girl a box of tampons which she begins to hang on the chimney not having a clue as to what they are used for!

Laughter and good cheer prevail and as the story begins to end and hurries to fade to black...Tiny Tim Pesci looks quare into the camera and utters those immortal words.

“Fuck us all everyone!” I hope the little bastard breaks his other leg after a visit down the chimney from Jack Nicholson and the gang from The Departed!!!

Chapter 2 - The Day Santa Got Whacked

The Day Santa Got Whacked

Who really pulled the trigger that wintry day? It’s hard for anyone who was alive that fateful December space in time to not know where they were, what they were doing and the impact of the day Santa Claus was assassinated while riding in a one horse open sleigh. The Secret Santa Service wanted him to borrow the St. Nicholas Pope Mobile with bullet proof bubble but Santa wanted to work the crowd that day as he rode through downtown North Pole unaware of what lay ahead as shots rang out, some say from the Nanook of the North Book Suppository Building by a sharpshooter armed with a modified official Red Ryder, carbine action, two-hundred shot range model air rifle by alleged lone assassin, Lee “Ralphie” Oswald.

The whole event was captured in glorious black and white on 8mm home movie film by Tiny Tim Zapruder who at the time put his crutches aside and was sitting in a shopping scooter with basket while filming from a handicapped parking space at the nearby Walmart. The film is still as disturbing today as it was then when supposedly a single bullet did the most amazing ballet moves that would dazzle Barishnikov by going to and fro, back and forth, in and out, up and down, sideways and backwards as Tiny Tim screamed as shots rang out, “Duck and Cover, Everyone!”

Santa and Mrs. Claus, had already been to the New York City Macy’s Day Parade on Thanksgiving where there was an attempt by a giant Felix the Cat balloon to smother the jolly old elf but the attempt was deflated, so to speak by a Macy’s cashier. Following that appearance, Santa arrived for the Detroit parade where he was sleigh jacked and during the fracas ended up in Henry Ford Hospital emergency room from gunshot wounds sustained in the parade attack. But that day at the North Pole…..will forever haunt us….

Some speculate that Ralphie was a Christmas Story patsy for the CIA and the purposely set him up to take the fall. He was arrested originally for distributing disturbing literature for an organization know as Fair Play For Cubans Living in the Yukon. (When arrested he was told by arresting cops “You’ll shoot your eye out kid!”) He was reluctant at first to accept their offer until J Edgar Hoover met him in a changing room at Victoria’s Secret during orientation and issued the dreaded J. Edgar Triple Dog Dare.. At first it was merely a standard double-dog-dare. What else was there, but a "triple dare you"? And then, the coup de grace of all dares, the sinister triple-dog-dare.

Some witnesses on the scene that day say shots also rang out from the Grassy Polar Bear Knoll by an unknown accomplice. Conspiracy theorists speculate there were actually two shooters and the Grinch was the gunman in place to make sure Santa went down faster than a bowl of jell-o down a chimney lubricated with WD-40. There is so much written, produced, speculated, studied, that it is as blown as far out of proportion as a condom on a fat mans head. Lee “Ralpie” Oswald who was never actually convicted of the crime was himself killed in a police igloo station by Jack “Ruby Red Slippers” Frost owner of an Eskimo Strip, Laplander Lap Dance and North “Pole Dancing” Club. So how did he get into the back room of the igloo holding area with cops on either side of Ralphie? Ralphie then on live national TV is whacked by a pimp with a gun..or as Lenny Bruce described Jack “Ruby” Frost as "A Jewish Billy the Kid riding out of the west"

Strangely, the cops found Ralphie with in hours and knew to look in a movie theater where he was watching “Polar Express” and “Penguins” Let’s face it, cops today can find a donut shop without a GPS but an assassin? They’re are always on TV asking for "our" help in locating such and such, but those North Pole Polar cops ...right on the ball and case closed and suspect killed within days..now that is police work!

So who really whacked Santa? Was it a cartel of Cuban elves pissed off over the whole Cuban Mistletoe Crisis? Hoover’s FBI Sugar Plum Fairies? CIA Wet Works Leprechauns? Scrooge Mobsters from Chicago or a merely a lone gun man with an Daisy air rifle...The only one whoever really knew, Ralphie, was shot dead before he could speak.

There was an investigation into the murder and the eight tiny reindeer were brought before a Congressional Hearing as they were the closest to Santa over the years...hauling his fat ass around the globe. Some theories advanced claim it was an inside job orchestrated by Rudolph “The Red” who kept to himself and never played in any reindeer games. A loner by nature he did have a close relationship with Jingle Bells Hoffa, head of Reindeer Teamsters Local 509 who mysteriously disappeared. Many think his body is buried in the iceberg that sunk the Titanic. Others claim he was killed by disgruntled union elves over Santa’s plan to ship toy manufacturing overseas to Chernobyl so toys would glow in the dark. Things went well until the big bang Chernobyl boom and some deranged individual kept yelling, “It’s a wonderful life Mr. Potter...Mrs. Potter….Harry Potter..and all you little pothead Potters!”

One mystery that keeps surfacing is that Santa made a deal to subcontract with the Unabomber to mail out excess Christmas packages over the holiday season. He said it would be a real blast! Each package came with card, manifesto and detonator. Investigators also looked at Santa’s family especially his brother Ted who once was involved in an accident when a woman was drowned after his snowmobile hit soft ice and went under water at Chappaquiddick. Police searched the murky waters but Mary Jo was never found. The good news though is that they found Amelia Earhart. Ted since has been trying to get a bill passed in Congress requiring all cars and other vehicles to come equipped with air bags and Life Preservers!

Many witnesses who may have had information died mysteriously.....Coincidence? I think not. There is a new Santa in town..Santa the serial killer..and he’ll be traveling with three "ho’s" named Ho, Ho and of course, Ho as accomplices …. so beware...he knows who’s been naughty or nice, leather and lace and this year when he comes down your chimney Christmas Eve...remember...this time … he’s armed and dangerous!

Chapter 3 - Psycho Santa the Serial Killer

Psycho Santa and the Serial Killer’s Time Machine!

One thing that all horrific unsolved historical killings have in common is the singular significant and overlooked forensic factor. A fear factor in fact that by admitting it rather than omitting it causes our psyche’s to short circuit faster than a tab of brown acid at Woodstock. The only person alive during each and every murder throughout time was Santa F. Claus!

I have found proof that cannot be disputed. Santa had a time machine sleigh to do his slaying. One minute he’s Dr. Jekyll Claus, passing out candy canes and visions of sugar plums to impressionable children while breaking and entering through soot filled chimneys. The next, after a stop at his meth lab, he’s the psychotic Mr. Hyde seeking helpless victims with a veritable variety of heinous weapons from a terror filled toy box!

Time machine sleigh? You scoff! You deride? You disbelieve? How else could he possibly circle the globe to drop off toys to every child on planet Earth and leave a trail of DOA in his wake as he zooms through history. That’s right...A Time Machine! What better cover than a jolly old elf in a bright red suit to lure his victims to a holiday demise. Look what John Wayne Gacy did in a clown costume. Rigoletto on a rampage! As for the eight tiny reindeer, feed them narcotics and they will fly believe me! Been there done that myself.

Santa, according to meticulous records kept at the North Pole Fortress of Solitude, was also responsible for shooting down Amelia Earhart’s plane. Seems she was actually flying over Santa’s workshop airspace at the Pole. She saw the signs that said North Pole, and mistakenly thought she must be in Northern Poland home Northern Poles, so she continued her journey deeper into restricted territory. Santa scrambled his stealth reindeer anti ballistic sleighs to intercept - all locked onto target and they fired. Later the wreckage was moved to a Japanese held island and blamed on the Japanese just as we blamed them for Godzilla and raw fish.

Take the assassination of president Lincoln! We are taught in our elementary history books that J. W. Booth shot him, but later to pay the toll at the Toll Booth. Our American Cousin has begun on the stage at the Ford Theater (Notice too..Ford is a car brand, as is a Lincoln, in fact Ford makes Lincolns. Make sense? or Cents? One Cent..a Lincoln penny for your thoughts?) It was actually Santa who did the deed. Lincoln reportedly told Virginia, yes, there is a Santa Claus and was about to release his secret identity breaking the Presidential oath of Omerto. A contract was put out on him by John “Jingles” Gotti. Santa sneaks into the presidential box and whacks the guy. He then leaps to the stage, drops his candy cane and someone in the audience shouts out..."Leave the candy canes, take the fruitcakes!!" Lincoln is gone....in his wake he left us taxes, the draft, the rise of the Ku Klux Klan, the Indian Wars and a penny that ain't worth a plug nickle...freedom? All relative..but damn...he was Lincoln..the Man, the Car and the Tunnel!!!

Santa also roamed the hills of Hollywood causing murder and mayhem. The Black Dahlia is one of Hollywood’s most bizarre and infamous murders along with the assasination of mobster Bugsy Siegel. Both unsolved to this day, both committed by Psycho Santa!

The most infamous of all Santa slayings has to be The Ripper Killings. Some claim it was a member of the Royal Pain in the Ass Family who did the nefrious deeds, while still others say it was a skilled surgeon with a scalpel with a hatred of soiled doves...OK, hookers. New facts have emerged showing that Santa was rolled one night in the East End of London while on his toybag rounds and three hookers turned him down for sex. He said he knew who was naughty or nice and had a list and would turn them all into Scotland Yard if they didn’t comply with his sexual desire to have them pose as reindeer hitched to his sleigh while they were to be mounted by Donder and Blitzen. All went well until Rudolp stuck his electric nose in one of them and gave them a red glow and a shock as he short circuited while going up their chimney!! Santa, now enraged began a campaign of murder and soon on the prostitute laden streets of foggy London Town...not a creature was stirring...not even a mouse.

Psycho Santa was a deranged demented demon. He was devil but did not wear Prada...he wore a red suit and an Edmund Gwinn beard. One other thing...as he whacked each victim he is known to have said to them as they took thier last breath...It WAS a wonderful life...Merry Christmas to all...you died by my knife!

Chapter 4 - Christmas Board Games

Christmas Board Games & Your Sex Life

Look at it this way...does your sex life feel like a game of “Battleship” or does it end up being more like the game “Sorry?” Most guys think of themselves as battleships, aircraft carriers and nuclear submarines and can sink the Bismark but when the performance is over...she may look at the whole affair as nothing more than “Trivial Pursuit!”

Maybe you have Zebulon Pike delusions of reaching the sexual orgasmic summit of Candyland. The game requires no reading and minimal counting skills, and best of all, there is no strategy involved. Most guys feel they can conquer Gumdrop Mountain and thaw out Queen Frostine, but instead end up as Sponge Bob lost in the Molasses Swamp.

In the sexual frontier of the game of “Clue” most men feel they are as wily and virile as Col, Mustard but soon misjudge their prowess and realize, maybe they can’t cut the mustard anymore as he discovers he can’t even find his knife in the ballroom while Ms. Scarlet reflects that he can’t hold a candlestick to Professor Plum’s lead pipe!

Monopoly is a real ball buster of the male ego. The Male views himself as a mansion on Boardwalk, but ends up being a Rescue Mission on Baltic Avenue. Worse yet, he sometimes can’t pass GO to collect..or in sexual parlance, make a deposit, but nonetheless is willing to take a “Chance” and hopes to hell he doesn’t end up tied to a railroad track in a failed attempt to enjoy the fruits of his female partners Community Chest!

Toys and sex also play a factor in the libido quest for gratification, He may picture himself as a manly macho GI Joe action figure with a virile Slinky, but Betsy Wetsy who by the very name is ready for action is disappointed when his performance is more Silly Putty in nature.

The male of the species takes special pride from self inflated egos in being as stiff and firm as a Lincoln Log, but in the end, (no pun intended, unless you feel “pun”ished) he may only be a stack of plastic Legos.

Most men also take special pride in their Erector Sets but fail miserably and turn out to be stack of playing cards falling apart at the last minute. His action figure self image degenerates into a fine portrayal of Mr. Potato Head.

Electric trains entering tunnels is very Fellini and most boys until they are men don’t realize the sexual ramifications of an engine cannonballing into a dark hole, whistle blowing and smoke rising..if that ain’t two track orgasm I don’t know what is. The manly man views himself as a human dildo but in the long run she regards him as a slot car in last place.

So, men...man up….face reality...you’re not really a doctor when you play “Operation” but thankfully there is Twister and Strip Poker..and if you play strip poker...remember this at all times..stack the deck and cheat!

Chapter 5 - The Ghost of Christmas Past

The Ghost of Christmas Past

Christmas has the power to jump start nostalgia as effectively as a can of WD-40 can loosen a rusted bolt on an engine block that’s been sitting in a junkyard exposed to the elements for 20 junkyard years. We leave the past behind in our dust and eventually we revisit that old familiar junkyard looking for pieces of our past.

So as I sit here this blustery morn in the present, I am being transported back in time listening to the Jimmy Buffett Christmas album. Who better to sail the ocean of memory with, eh?

As a child, I was raised by my grandparents in Detroit along with my mom who had to work hard. My “dad” if you want to call him that wanted a divorce week after I was born…(not my fault, he already had wife number two in tow!) Christmas was always special..cousins, aunts and uncles always showed up for Christmas at grandma’s house..there was no choice in the matter...she was the familial Queen Victoria, and I being an only child was the enfant terrible and recipient of gifts from me moms six other siblings. My bedroom was a veritable Toys R Me store…

Later at 15 I left home and ended up on a 8 year journey on the beach in Honolulu, living on the streets of LA and San Fran and it also included two years in Okinawa thanks to Uncle Sam’s little military elves.

In Okinawa I had an apartment outside of the town of Naha and high up on hill overlooking the South China Sea. Three of us who rented the place also spent our time selling marijuana from Thailand and LSD from Berkeley my old Haight Ashbury crowd would send over. The tree that first year was a true Charlie Brown bonsai affair straight out of central floral casting from Mr. Miyagi’s greenhouse. Decorated with joints, roach clips and other paraphernalia of an altered states nature. The USO had a Christmas party in full swing but a dozen or so us decided to skip the Bob Hope cookies and milk and instead toke a few bowls to old St. Nick who to us was Timothy Leary with a beard and a red suit. After a few hits of acid and speed mixed with weed...you become a flying reindeer...I swore Rudolph was a lava lamp!

My girlfriend at the time was a stripper at a local club who moved into the apartment with me and was into the Christmas spirit deeper than I was. She decorated the apartment and added to the tree so it had some real personality and Cristmas decorations and bought an angel for the top. I knew back in Michigan the family was getting together minus me and one other cousin also in the military but with my new “family” of deranged weed heads and Kimoko removing her kimono...I was feeling like I had struck Acapulco Gold at the North Pole.

Flashback! 10 years old...my grandparents owned a cottage in Northern Michigan on Grand Lake near Lake Huron. I not only spent my juvenile summers basking in northern Michigan pines and beach and invisible pirates I had for imaginary friends...but one year we spent Christmas nestled in the cottage in the forest...it was the most memorable Christmas ever. Stone fireplace, roaring fire, full moon on a frozen lake and fresh fallen snow sparkling like diamonds that had fallen from the heavens.

I spent part of Christmas day that year bundled up thicker than a Jack London character living in the frozen north in his novel, “White Fang” The snow crunching reassuringly under your hiking boots, following deer tracks that were joined at junctures by the tracks of deer, a family of raccoons and a porcupine or two, not to mention the tinier minute tracks of a chipmunk and the tell tale hop hop pattern of a northern rabbit.

It was Christmas and I was enjoying being engrossed and engulfed in the magic and wonder of the natural world of nature.

You’re never really alone at Christmas. It is what you make it..family, friends, woodland critters...doesn’t matter..just let it cascade around you. Christmas is many things to many people, different things as well depending on a person’s heart and perspective..to me having lived homeless for years and relying on the kindness of missions and strangers..it’s giving a helping hand to that invisible homeless person many choose to ignore...and not just at Christmas.

I may manifest itself as a time for family...religion...and yes, Santa. He was our first idol as children..before Batman and Superman. Santa brought presents. As for religion..well, I am not the most religious person on the planet but I do miss the Nativity scenes at city hall ...the Politically Correct Grinches have seen to that.

Christmas is now politics and juvenile challenges…”I’ll say Merry Christmas..not Happy Holidays” as though it’s a challenge. Kind of defeats the purpose...I say Merry Christmas but don’t make a big deal out of it..I have no time nor interest in bickering over semantics or rhetoric...I’m too busy enjoying the season. If others want to argue about “greetings” go for it...anger and self righteous rage is not the Christmas spirit...all this bickering of Christmas present makes me happy I have a good friend, a best friend I can count on..the Ghost of Christmas Past...and the family that is not around any more but will always live in me in spirit...the Christmas spirit...so Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Seasons Greetings...it’s ll the same if you interpret it with your heart and ….the Christmas Spirit.

Chapter 6 - Ru Paul Rudolph

Ru Paul Rudolph

Santa Claus...a man we visualize as machismo on ice from the North Pole with manly beard who handles a sleigh with the fearless skill and acumen of an adrenline rushing bulletproof NASCAR redneck driver on the track at Talladega. He dons a fierce red suit and carries a whip in one hand...able to leap tall buildings in a single bound with the help of eight V-8 powered reindeer more powerful than Clydesdale horses and able to break land speed records on the Bonneville Salt Flats! He commands the power of godfather Vito Corleone ruling over his family of hit men elves.

I have discovered in my research that all is not as it may seem at first glance. The Ho Ho Ho He was once a Ho Ho Ho She! Santa Claus was once known as Sandra Claus!!!!

It all began when Sandra and Rudolph watched the transvestite Ed Wood film Glen or Glenda. Rudolph at the time was moonlighting as a female reindeer impersonator at a dive club at the North Pole under the name of Ru Paul Rudolph and decided then and there to go all the way with a sex change. He was originally from Lapland where he was a transvestite lap dancer and prancer vixen with one hell of donder flaming blitzen in his reindeer thong so had been to Denmark many times and new the score.

Many misconceptions about Rudolph are as mythic as the Loch Ness Monster. Remember the old Rudolph cartoon where he meets another reindeer, a female named Clarice? Lies...all lies...in reality Rudolph went to Denmark and after the sex change operation became CLARICE!!!

The other 7 reindeer were nervous in the locker room when Rudolph/Clarice wanted to play some strange reindeer games in the shower with the others. Why do you think the let him up in front of the sleigh on Christmas Eve? Don’t buy into the bullshit “Rudolph with your nose so bright, won’t you guide my sleigh tonight?” The truth is...no reindeer wanted Rudolph rooting around behind their haunches with a red bulb ready ready to play suppository!

Christmas Eves is a night of fear and loathing, not just in Las Vegas, but in the fanciful flights of reindeer fanny’s as Santa yells out “On Hashbowl, Tiny Dancer, Mincing Prancer, Va Va Voom Vixen (former topless reindeer dancer at the St. Nick Strip Club), Vomit, Stupid, Donner Party and Blitzkrieg (the former nasty Nazi German reindeer who still goosesteps to disco records by the Village People) This Christmas Eve...look to the skies….and duck and cover!!! It’s Rudolph in rut looking for someone to fuck!

Chapter 7 - Santa's sexual Harassment Bag

Santa's Got a Brand New Sexual Harassment Bag

Seems like everyday someone in a position of power is getting nailed for sexual harassment and inappropriate behaviour. Well, I hate to burst your Christmas bubble, but even Jolly Old Saint Nick, yep you know him as Santa Claus has now gotten his ass and his jingle bells in a sling as the “Me Too” juggernaut rolls on placing his chestnuts in the open fire of transparency.

Word has leaked out to the Mike Marino News Network that accusers are coming out of the Christmas toy box claiming Santa has been caught with his red pants down playing with his north pole in an obscene manner around young, impressionable elfen colleagues and others.

He has been accused by numerous individuals of leaving Barbie Doll sex toys under the Christmas tree instead of Easy Bake Ovens at the homes of young people who should be playing with Barbies Pink Playhouse instead of looking for batteries. His attorney spoke at a press conference claiming they were meant for the moms on his route, but somehow got mixed up. You must realize he continued what going up and down a chimney can do to a man. The soot and smoke alone are enough to set off a sexual frenzy, not to mention the amount of marijuana brownies and milk he inhales around the world!”

On numerous occasions Santa was found fondling ladies underwear in dresser drawers while the family slept until one night in Peoria a husband woke up and beat him silly with a large candy cane. “I caught the fucker red handed sniffing underwear and came unglued. I have a license to carry a loaded candy cane so used it to protect my family!”

Two of Santa’s elfen helpers, Sleazy and Spacey have also been accused of placing children on Santa’s lap in an obscene position at Macy’s while he jiggles like a bowl full of jello. He’s also been tied into a porn group known as the Sugar Plum Fairies who recruit fans of the Village People at leather bars across the country who are the stockings Santa likes to stuff by the chimney with care.

One of Santa’s female elf co-workers was called into his office one day only to find him completely naked except for his big red bag which he kept referring to as Moby Dick, masturbating and yelling out at the crucial climax…”THAR SHE BLOWS!” In a written statement by the victim she stated, ‘I was afraid of him. His power, his money, and I didn’t want to lose my job as I have five crack addicted children by different husbands to care for this holiday season adn figured if I was naughty and not nice for Santa he’d bring me my Gilbert Chemistry Meth Lab Kit... besides I never saw a toy bag that big before. Once you’ve had sex with Santa...you’ll never do a reindeer again, except maybe Blitzen real who is a real Laplander stud. Rudolph is OK too if you don’t mind the glowing red nose routine, my neighbors see that and they think it’s a whore house in the red light toy district.”

Corey Feldman, the Lost Boy of L.A, in a written statement says, “The sonofabitch gave me a Kevin Spacey Model Pee Wee Herman Action Figure one year for Christmas and all it did was play with itself when Haim came into the room! I guess I was jealous more than anything else. It was my toy and it should have responded to my voice!” In a related, yet non sexual problem facing the Big Claus is newly discovered information that he has secretly been meeting with Kim Il-Sung, current rocket man president of North Korea, who was born in Suc Muk Dik, North Korea in the province of Long Wang. Santa has been supplying Kim against U.N sanctions, with enough nuclear material to speed up No. Korea’s nuclear program.

Although claims of having an ICBM capable of reaching the East Coast of the US are suspect, Santa has agreed that in the event of an attack by the US on N. Korea he will load his sleigh with enough nuclear warheads himself to invade and bombs away the Beltway. President Trump recently escalated his war of words by referring to Santa as “that fat fuck.”

Melania coming to Santa’s defense said, “When little goil in Slovenia Santa would leave me 50 dollars, US on the bed table. He told me it was for being nicely naughty. I no understand North Pole English so I nod and take shower with moose and squirrel”

Christmas 2017...Santa’s got a brand new bag, no not Hillary, and he has been fired. Christmas is still a few weeks off so there is time to salvage the season….Matt Lauer has already applied for the job...this is Today...on NBC. Now if he brings Savannah Gutherie with him, she can abuse me anytime...all I want for Christmas is my Meghan Markle blow up doll!

Chapter 8 - J. Edgar Hoover Christmas Doll

J. Edgar Hoover Christmas Doll

He’s Here Again! Years in the making…. He knows who’s naughty or nice. He knows if you’re sleeping in somebody’s bed, he even knows if you’re a dirty Red! Direct from the Mike Marino Toy Factory in Washington, AC/DC we are proud to present the perfect fishnet stocking stuffer collection of J. Edgar Hoover Barbies in the Deluxe Glen or Glenda Playset and home decor!

In addition to the J. Edgar Barbie Dolls, who (let’s see a show of hands!) hasn’t wanted a J. Edgar Hoover Inflatable Sex Doll all their own. Half of the guys in the Justice Department have one already, now you too can blow up the big guy with his playfully placed valve that is the unique design of the entire Fellatio Bureau of Investigation. Don’t blow this opportunity….J. Edgar Only Knocks Once, shoots and asks questions later.

Enhance your landscaping with a delightful Virgin Mary Hoover Madonna Lawn Statue with his own set of lawn balls. Their not very big balls, but make great jockstrap stocking stuffers for the trolling male hustler that stalks the neighborhood exposing himself.

Want action, the kids will get off on the official The J. Edgar Action Figure. Comes complete with recording equipment, a Gilbert Chemistry & Wiretap equipment (warrants sold separately) as well as the Martin Luther King and JFK action figures sold separately when you purchase the deluxe Martin Luther King/JFK Assassination Play Kit that comes complete with a Book Depository Dealey Plaza Erector Set and the Memphis Motel Lincoln Log signature set. Just for the hell of it you can add the Barbie Kennedy Doll that talks and takes a bullet in the hotel kitchen playset when you pull his string and he says, “Now, on to Chicago!”

The J. Edgar Pez Dispenser recently advertised in “Boys Life” magazine just screams OPEN WIDE! It holds 20 Pez tablets or ten .45 caliber bullets. Ideal to pack in your kids lunch box. Imagine the frenzy and fun in the lunchroom when your kid on Prozac yells…”INCOMING!” Fires up to 40 feet accurately.

The J. Edgar Hoover Take It Like A Man Dildo, batteries not included, have J. Edgars face on the head ready for your walk on the wild side with the Sugar Punk Fairy. Head for Head, this is hands down the ultimate electronic sex toy for men and women. Hint: It prefers men or old Queens.

New this season, Holiday Mistletoe patches for the seat of your pants. Now you too can be like J. Edgar. This holiday season say it with a patch...Kiss my Ass!

Don’t forget the optional J. Edgar Hoover Pink Prison Doll House where you can secure the Rosenberg bobble heads and the Abbie Hoffman talking yippee doll. The J. Edgar Doll comes with a variety of accessorized ladies wear designed by Victor Victoria's Secrets and Pink Police Car. Order yours today...and remember...J. Edgar knew who was naughty and who was nice......!!!

Chapter 9 - The First Thanksgiving

The First Thanksgiving

Forget the friendly Pilgrims and helpful Native American “let’s bag a turkey and eat popcorn bullshit” we had crammed down our scholastic throats like so much stale fruitcake from last year’s transvestite ball. The truth is far more disturbing than you can imagine. It was more of a Michigan - Ohio State football game rivalry. The stakes were high for each touchdown in the Plymouth Bowl. When the visiting Jolly Olde England Pilgrims scored a touchdown, ten members of the Native American Wampanoags home team came down with syphilis and had to benched. When the Wampy’s scored, ten Pilgrims were roasted alive or as they called it Pole Dancing in a Johnny Cash Ring of Fire.

Coach Miles Standish of the Pilgrim Patriots had a good season up until the bowl game. Tickets were sold out...spirits on both teams were high...then..tragedy struck. Assistant Defensive Coach, Sir Charlie Rose Weinstein Spacey was accused of sexual harassment by a young native woman, Pocahontas who was only 14 at the time when he picked her up at the Jamestown Mall and groped her in the wigwam region.

“He told me he could make a star out of me and I was intimidated by his,power. I always wanted to do Kabuki theater at the Mayflower Casino, but I wasn’t Japanese. Charlie told me he could fix that by getting me an experimental operation in Denmark.”

Security was tight on game day. There had been threats by various terrorist groups that someone may drive a horse and buggy at high speed through the crowd tailgating outside in the stadium parking lot. Or worse, a rain of pellets from a crazed fully automatic musket owner who kept his powder dry at all times. The biggest threat came from the Pyong Yang Ping Pong Gang who we now know had developed an arsenal of deadly North Korean catapults capable of launching huge boulders that would completely devastate Plymouth Rock! (See? North Korea is older than you think!)

The other issues affecting gameday was the ongoing feud between the football league and Colonial Governor Sir Angus Trumpgrump over the fact that numerous Native American Players would take a knee during the tuba solos that began each game. By taking a knee I mean they would actually use a tomahawk and remove the kneecap of one of their opponents. (They also are blamed for “scalping” more than tickets!)

Counter protesters would show up in force including white supremacists from the Anglican Nation and the John Alden Society, a branch of the Kula, Klan and Ollie faction.

Threats also came from overseas by religious terrorists vowing to get even for the Crusades, but they hadn’t discovered how to travel over the ocean yet to carry out any meaningful death and injuries on North American soil and besides our Viking Navy Seal Coast Guards were ever vigilant.

Once the bowl game was over, it was time for both teams and fans to sit down to a shared feast of roasted penguin with puffin dressing, magic mushrooms and for dessert a mug of hard cider and peyote ala mode. One un-groped sexually harassed politically correct virgin was always selected for the official sacrifice by the Marquis de Spacey for the big Lebowski-Lewinski bonfire circle jerk kickoff.

It was that or watch football all day long, but they forgot to invent television.

Now you know the truth behind Thanksgiving...and why the Penguin should be our national bird!

Chapter 10 - Catholic Barbie Dolls

Jesus and Mary Barbie Dolls by Mattel As for Barbies traditional size 5 figure that looks hot in a bikini, well now we have the Ashley Graham full figure Barbie doll. I personally find Ashley sexy as hell so an Ashley doll makes sense. I’m waiting for the inflatable version that comes with a bottle of wine, soft candlelight and a porn flick.

Our undercover agents broke into Mattel’s Research Center….learned that trick during Watergate, which is when I bought my first G. Gordon Liddy Ken Doll. Comes complete with a prison record. Plumbers tools sold separately along with a Pardon for the President Nixon Doll.

White Trash Barbie and Meth Head Ken have been around for some time and can be found complete with the White Trash Barbie Pink Double Wide Playhouse with accessories including a pickup truck on blocks for the front yard, washer and dryer for the front porch, a banjo, Ken’s pregnant sister from that time he caught her in the barn alone, and 3 additional pit bulls to guard the Gilbert microscope and meth lab.

Not to be left out is the all new ME TOO Barbie that claims the Harvey Weinstein Ken Doll exposed himself 10 years ago. If you remove Ken’s pants by the way...you’ll find he has no apparatus to expose! As for ME TOO Barbie yelling rape...remove her pants and voila...no point of entry can be found! Neither doll is equipped to screw.

Who says guys don’t play with dolls? The Kevin Spacey Barbie Doll is proof that they do! Watch Ken run like hell when his crotchless groin is groped. Watch the surprised look on the Spacey doll when it comes up empty handed!

Black Lives Matter Dolls can also be found on the toy store shelves right across the aisle from the White Supremacist Nazi Dolls. They try to keep them apart to avoid any confrontation. No motor vehicles allowed! General Robert E Lee Statue model kits sold separately in the collectors Stars and Bars Anniversary Kit this Christmas. Stuff their stockings with a little bit of history from Uncle Tom’s Slave Cabin to Mein Kampf Action Figures.

The Catholic will be in high mass heaven with the 2018 Virgin Mary Barbie Doll and the all new Jesus Ken Doll. Performs miracles simply by squeezing his head. The kids will have fun and learn too when you buy the Immaculate Conception Action Kit. See the glee on their little faces when Mary pops out a baby in a barn...farm set sold separately. As your child grows older you can upgrade to the Crucifixion Play Set!

Have a Merry Christmas...or should I say a Mary Barbie Christmas...

Chapter 11 - Bubble Light Ramble

Early Morning Ramble

Sitting up in the dark quiet morning as I am right now staring at the Picasso-like juxtaposed marvel of an adorned Christmas tree with the jumbled tangle of lights and a visual cacophony (if such a thing can exist as a visual cacophony itself, stealing the audible thunder from it’s meaning.)

Ornaments affixed with tiny hooks, the precautionary measure to providing them safety from falling from their temporary holiday season evergreen (plastic substance of some sort now has replaced Norman Rockwell’s ideal mid-century merry Blue Spruce monolith as well as the Griswold Family Christmas Tree that can electrocute a cat in under 10 seconds flat.

I see the Christmas tree in front of me as a skid row mission, offering shelter for homeless ornaments who for 11 months out of the year, spend endless days and cold nights in a storage box under a freeway overpass. My regular decor….bobble heads, toy robots and Jerry Garcia infused stimuli ignore the ornaments when at last they emerge from Ornament Rehab for Christmas with a holier than thou attitude hogging attention, a free mission meal and a little town of Bethlehem rosary while the mission dispenses gruel and God in equal measure.

I’m staring into the tree now...past it’s shimmering glitz….past the past and secular Santa’s….and the Ghosts of Dickens with General Patton filling in for Marley’s prey.

Christmas is meant for cheer…hell, it’s the Dallas Cheerleader of all holidays. To some, however, the tree itself, the Christmas carols, and 24 hours of cable “Christmas Story” is enough to chamber a bullet and shoot your own eye it. It’s also the season of suicide hotlines, ambulance sirens racing to the rescue of someone who prefers to be not disturbed. Look past the glimmer of bubble lights, a joyful and wondrous invention, and the tree is dark beyond the front layer of Liberace lights. Peer deep enough and you can see a dark forbidding alley strewn with empty bottles of cheap booze , and the bubble lights are now replaced by syringes and needles. The junkie will cook his lovin’ spoonful with hurried, yet meticulous care, as much care as is given to the basted beast sitting in it’s own Auschwitz oven filled with dressing without the Zyklon B garnish.

As the years travel by at ever increasing speed, family and friends have taken a number while standing in life’s line. “Next!” calls out the cubicle bound attendant. Death takes a number….depression begins to weigh in...it’s a prize fight...in this corner ….the coroner!

Joyeux Noel replaced by mental and physical pain so fierce at times suicide happens….Imagine ….the Suicide Season at the mall. “I’d like to see something in this season’s suicider fashion… None of that off the rack Sears crap either...and I’d like it gift wrapped please. Just charge it, thank you.

Depression is rampant at Christmas. Health problems job loss, loss of a family member, cancer…. A myriad of mental mayhem at play. So remember … suicide season is upon us..like a midnight clear….here comes the night ….so make sure those bubble lights are on ….share the warmth of spirit...lend a helping hand….fill the room with song….and hope...grab the mistletoe and hide the Smith and Wesson...lest we forget….it’s Christmas...make it a merry one.

Reach out to someone who needs you...and remember ..Suicide is not painless!

Chapter 12 - Christmas D.O.A. Film Noir

Christmas Movie Madness: Christmas DOA!

Christmas, a real damned Andy Williams Captain Piccard let it snow make it so time of year of the same warm and fuzzy films of peace on Earth, and radio stations that assault our secular arses with Johnny Mathis jingling all the way in a one horse open sleigh with bells ringing are you listening?

Move over Little Drummer Boy unless your name is Ginger Baker. The Mike Marino Forensic Fun Films, Inc. is pleased to announce some positively Un-Hallmark Movie Moments adding realism to your mental eggnog this charge card season of schmaltz and mistletoe and suicide and toys for tots.

The all new updated “Miracle on 34th Street & Pennsylvania Ave” where Jill Stein assumes the Natalie Wood child in disbelief roll this time around. In this version, young Jill believes in Santa, but can’t believe Donald “Scrooge” Trump is her new president. “I want a recount,” she cries to her smother mother played by Hillary Clinton. Finally in court a bag full of ballots are emptied on a judges desk confirming that “Yes Virginia, there is a Santa and according to the recount, Trump is your president”

On the way home from court in New York City, they pass a large mental institution. “Stop the car,” she falsetto’d….he promised me a room and here it is!!!” The big scene of the film is the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade where Kim Kardasians real ass blows up causing wide spread (no pun intended) throughout the parade route.

What would the holly jolly film season be without Ralphie shooting his eye out? OD’d on Darren McGavin’s major award? Then this year it’s The Amityville Christmas Story where this time Ralphie blows a fuse and after wiping out the family on a triple dog dare he goes to a Chinese restaurant dressed as a giant pink Easter Bunny carrying a fully automatic weapon all because of a bad version of Fa Ra Ra! “Oh, Little Town of Washington” is new production where Joseph and Mary portrayed by Bill and Hillary Clinton arrive in Washington but find there is no room at the White House so grab a spot in an alley off the Beltway where they await the birth of their little baby, Jesus portrayed by Bernie Sanders who is soon visited by three wise politicians, an oxymoron in and of itself. They are also visited by three wise kings from the Middle East who are turned away as King Herrod Trump declares them Guantanamo material.

Other new releases include the entire Manson Family Reunion cast in “It Came Upon Midnight Unclear” Murder and Mistletoe do not mix!!

There is more slapstick fun this season in the remake of the Bing Crosby classic of “White Christmas. In our version “White Christmas Lives Matter” a riotous romp of rioting and racism where an African American family are evicted from the White House and as a result BLM meets the Ku Klux Klan in a David Duke-Al Sharpton remake of “Westside Story” Also starring the Three Stooges who use the “N” word freely..so if Nyuk, Nyuk, Nyuk is found offensive stay home glued to your yoga mat watching reruns of Victory at Standing Rock while listening to the Venture’s surf album version of “Pipeline!”

Drama? Tune into the Snowden-Assange version of “Silent Night, Holy Shit’ where silence is golden a plumber has to be called in to plug the wikileaks and other secrets. There is a touch of Dicken’s hidden in this experimental film where Hillary Clinton as Screwed Scrooge is visited by the Ghost of Vince Foster and Vlad the Putz Pitin in a tuxedo is puttin’ on the Ritz in a Mel Brooks inspired dance number.

“Home Alone Four” starring Jimmy Hoffa and “I Saw Monica Kissing Santa Claus Under the Beltway Mistletoe Beltbuckle” with Deep Throat Lewinsky is a must see this “on your knees season to be jolly.”

This Season….don’t make it Hallmark...make it Christmas DOA...Santa’s got a brand new bag this year.

Chapter 13 - Creepy Christmas Toys

Merry Creepy Christmas Toys

Move over Barbie….your pink dollhouse has been condemned. It’s being replaced this year by a whole new doll babe in the toy ‘hood….Barbie De Sade and her Playhouse Dungeon! Mom’s….you may want to think twice about this perverse present unless you have prior experience with whips and cuffs. You know, that blind date with the inbred cousin of your first girl on girl crush!

Then there is the Pee Wee Herman Pussycat Theater Dollhouse with a motion activated Pee Wee Doll with authentic hand movements that will fool even the perverted Ken doll sitting erect next to him! Talk about doing that crazy hand jive!!! The perfect gift for that never been married neighbor man down the street who names all his pet cats after porn queens of the silver screen! (Playset come with two films, “Lolita Loves Your Lollipop” and “Catholic School Girls Do the Vatican” where they must choose - Puberty or Piety? In the end..so to speak….they get their cherry popped by the pope! (extra porn films sold separately including the critically acclaimed but banned“101 Dalmatians: Canine Rape Gang Attacks the Humane Society During Pet Adoption Week”

For the little child who spends a lot of time still sleeping with mama even though he is 14, why not give the little psycho tyke a treat with his own bag of toy serial killers. He’ll delight clowning around with the John Wayne Gacy Killer Klowns or the Jeffrey Dahmer Bake and Shake Oven with Menu. Comes complete with an electric drill and a psychosis!

Had enough of politics for this lifetime? Then get yourself a set of Rock ‘em Sock ‘em Killery-Trump Robots. Comes with a “Feel the Bern” Bernie Sanders Burnout Referee who will declare who ever scares him the most ….the winna!!! Love Political Horror Films? Then you’ll want to order a special edition Jill “Franken” Stein Collection of “I Was Hillary’s Love Slave” where Jill goes down for the count….and the recount.

Board games are always fun! This years fave is Charlie Sheen and Kanye’s “Mental Breakdown Trivial Pursuit” Freak out your friends when you draw the special Rant Your Ass Off Card and babble incoherently for hours then walk out of the room mid game and come back with your very own Phil Spector Pistol set and dare anyone to leave the game!

You can also play Lady Di Celebrity Paris Escape: The European Cocaine Edition or the Mother Teresa Leper Colony Candyland Game where you make it atop the Big Rock Candy Mountain or your opponent can send you to debilitating death in a village of disease. More fun than last year’s “Cancer Ward!”

Make it a Merry Creepy Christmas and stuff some trauma in a person’s stocking.

Chapter 14 - Pop Culture Christmas

Pop Culture Christmas

Buying a present for Superman isn’t as easy you think. He’s already got X-Ray vision to grab a sneak peek in the Victoria’s Secrets dressing rooms. Now that’s a super power I’d like to have! OK, so maybe a new cape from the Caped Crusaders Big and Tall Men’s Shoppe, the Mens Warehouse of Super Garb for comic book crime fighters. I guarantee it! Plus if he’s been a bad superboy this year...leave a 5 pound chunk of Kristmas Kryptonite in his leotards!

Many male super heroes like to wear form fitting tights to show off muscle mass not to mention that tell tale ballet bulge that makes people yell with excitement...Look Up in the sky...It’s a bird….it’s a plane….it’s Genital Man! Yep, Supe showing off once again as he does a fly by with his rudder showing looking for Lois Lane’s tail wind….

Batman is another story altogether. He shops for leather, leather and more leather and gets his jolly’s perusing the Marquis de Sade Boy Wonder Emporium. Cape and mask sold separately. Oh, the mask...come with some sort of animal ears. To make his Christmas rock...make sure to give him a basket of gingerbread cookies in the shape of bats so he can pretend he’s Ozzy Osbourne with milk, cookies and cocaine.

Betty Boop is always a joy to buy for. Black frilly short skirt with a false eyelash makeover kit and a riding crop to stuff in her boop boop de boop. Throw in an evening she can spend drunk in a sleazy motel with Jessica Rabbit and hot damn...Lesbi-toon heaven.

Who can forget Uncle Keith Richards...Santa’s favorite doper. Make Keith merry this season with a custom hypodermic needle kit. You can pick one up off the lawn in Tompkins Square Park in New York City on any given Saturday night. Talk about a Christmas rush….it’s the gift that keeps on giving.

Christmas with the Clintons? How about a copy of the Anarchists Cookbook or the complete special edition DVD collection of ‘Murder She Wrote’ the memoirs of Hillary, the golden years. You can also pick up a copy of Election Results for Dummies. Comes with a set of numbered ballots she can count over and over again at no cost to taxpayers.

POTUS Trump? How about an autographed copy of ‘Mein Kampf’ direct from Argentina. The ‘How To’ book that put Auschwitz on the map. Special foreword written by David Duke and the Ku Klux Klowns.

Bernie Sanders...Remember him. Well, he’s now playing Santa Claus at Macy’s in New York. He was found wasting away on Skid Row passing around a bottle of Russian vodka saying he was Nikolai Lenin, one of the Beatles! He was dazed and confused so to speak humming Back in the USSR during dinner at the Salvation Army.

Don’t forget Paul McCartney...he needs a new set of Wings!

Chapter 15 - Christmas on Acid

Christmas on Acid

Christmas on acid...the tree alone is a real green needle Druid and loaded with those classic bubble lights and Fillmore light show blinking fiber optics turning your living room into a Karma filled kama sutra beaded curtain incense filled harem of holiday cheer with the turntable spinning with the Seeds ‘Pushing too Hard’ to create a blue moody Moody Blue’s Magoo version of Johnny Mathis singing ‘Hey, Joe’ you’ll shoot your eye out kid, with that gun in your hand. Soon the stockings hung with care begin to stare back at you and the toys begin to talk in tongues and Alice appears in her Wonderland Wonder Bra with her designer Cheshire Cat thong running screaming “I’m late...I’m late .. I missed my period and got pregnant on a date!”

Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus…. And he has a gift for you...How old are you anyway? You look 18!

‘Twas the night before Christmas in Haight Ashbury and all through the house Hallucinating acid heads were trying to smoke a mouse! All the NARCS were awake...all the stoners were sleepy. Junkies were whacked out and crashpad creepy. The runaways were hooking with lesbians dyking While down the street Hells Angels were biking and addicts were spiking.

Now...picture yourself on the Spare Change streets of the Lava Lamp Sixties, or even on a boat on a river with tangerine trees and marmalade skies...either way, you get the idea. It’s the Alice in Wonderland Super Bong of holiday hallucinations without Jimmy Stewart yelling at Mr. Potter or even Harry Potter trying to convince them that ‘It’s a wonderful life.’

Haight Street wasn’t ready for any Miracles on 34th Street. It was instead Jimi Hendrix as Santa Claus and Janis Joplin as his old lady with Cheech and Chong appearing in a cloud of too much to dream last night smoke on the Christmas water as two way out far out elves helping Hendrix Claus waa waa a big ass bag of bongs, pipes, and rolling papers. They were experienced!

Rudolph just completed a drug rehab program at the free clinic while Timothy Leary helped guide the Merry Prankster bus sleigh just a little bit ‘Further’ over the cuckoo’s nest..

On Stoner On Doper On Dimebag On Bomber On Hash pipe And Nixon? (It rhymed with ‘Vixen’) On Cocaine On Acid and, of course, Rudolph the Pink Floyd Reindeer

Won’t you guide the sleigh tonite with your goddamned pupils so big and bright! On the 12th Day of Christmas my connection sent to me:

12 Hookahs Smoking 11 Dealers Dealing 10 Loaded Hashpipes 9 Bob Marley Records 8 Packs of Zig Zags 7 Acid Flashbacks 6 Hallucinations 5 Bags of Weed. 4 Lava lamps 3 Monster Bongs 2 Bail Bondsmen and a Alice B. Toklas Cook Book!

Chapter 16 - Merry Sexmas

Have Yourself a Merry Sexmas Christmas!

Yep,Sex & Christmas go together like a leather thong and a pair of handcuffs. Time to stuff someone’s stocking with a little Christmas Sexmas! The holidays are just around the corner and times have changed. It's a sexual universe we dwell in now and Christmas should reflect this trend in increased sexuality. All those little holiday nuances like decorating the tree, Christmas carols and stockings hanging by the fire with care need a drastic overhaul. So my children settle back and sit on Santa's lap...just be careful not to excite him while you’re wiggling around giving Santa a lap dance as it may excite his North Pole and melt his ice pack!

It’s hard to always find the perfect gift for someone, but you’ll never go wrong if you unwrap that libido and let their bells jingle all the way! Gift certificates are always a crowd pleaser. Forget Macy’s this year. Score a victory with a Victoria’s Secrets leather and lace gift card good towards a sexy red teddy, white pantyhose and green garters...the traditional colors of Christmas. For the Ladies..choose from an extensive line of erotica from the Marquis de Sade Dom/Sub shops located in the seedier parts of town next door to any adult bookstore and one block from the nearest church. Riding crops aplenty in a wide selection that will make your Rudolph fly.

Mistletoe is the romance sprig of the holidays. He or she who stands under it gets a kiss by those who happen by. It is usually suspended over a doorway or entrance. I suggest we hang a sprig on our belt buckle, so when guests come over, especially that neighbor lady who has been arousing you all summer long as she puttered around her garden in hot pants. As for she comes over for a hot toddy and notices your manly sprout sprouting into a Christmas bulge she can get into the holiday spirit and your pants when she opens your "present" and jingles your bells louder than a Catholic Church! It's a candy cane she'll never forget as visions of sugar plums dance while she is giving you head!

The ladies of course can strategically place mistletoe in a variety of her body locations guaranteed to do the deed. The combinations for her are endless!!! The Christmas tree itself is adorned with decorations and lights, pretty traditional so this year...be creative and decorate with dildos and tampons. It will give your tree a certain savoir faire as Santa Claus Maxi Pads hang delightfully and deliriously for all to enjoy. Shredded maxi pads by the way make a great mass of simulated snow for that manger scene or Santa and his eight tiny reindeer. As for tampons, they make great swizzle sticks.

Instead of hanging Christmas stockings with furry tops and bright red colors, hang up a pair of tattered fishnets from that ho, ho, ho, hooker you met with last week on the street. That will pique Santa's curiosity and could lead to some amazing gifts. Besides...that hooker? You already stuffed her stocking so now you can stuff her fishnets. Hopefully she didn't give you the clap or disease...you know...the gifts that keep on giving...and giving ... and giving!

For unique gift ideas invite your friends over for potluck gift giving. Everyone writes down what they want to give and these are put into a hat then everyone at random picks one and they get the gift. These can be things like an hour with a Chippendale in kilts with hell of a set of bagpipes, a male or female (your choice) Laplander lap dancing while wearing rubber antlers, or the ever popular threesome in under the tree! Imagine how the room will light up when someone yells out...Hot damn a blow job by my neighbor ...now that's the Christmas spirit!

Handcuffs and whips make for the perfect femdom gift to give for the dominant woman in your life. This year make it a Christmas she or he will never forget. Naked Twister and strip Trivial Pursuit..blow jobs to hand jobs...Tis the season to roast your chestnuts and deck your balls with holly...and if Holly won't do it...that neighbor lady will! Ho, Ho, Ho!

Impressum

Tag der Veröffentlichung: 03.12.2017

Widmung:
This book is dedicated to everyone with a sense of humor and look at the world with a wink in their eye

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