CAST

"Imagologues create systems of ideals and anti-ideals, systems of short duration which are quickly replaced by other systems but which influence our behaviour, our political opinions and aesthetic tastes, the colour of carpets and the selection of books just as in the past we have been ruled by the systems of ideologues"

Milan Kundera, Immortality, QPD 1991, p.129-130

 

TARVOA MIMMOZA - strange reborn death cultist who bleeds tar out of her nipples and is somehow sacred but shames her family by selling her tar for a new fad tar-fetish, a niche in porno-religious marketing.

 

GOSPEL RICK- a sound type, but an insomniac-narcoleptic, so he's occasionally comatose; says nothing, but has a few laughs.

 

YANKIESPANKIE TODDY - a high-flying executive and cult porn star, who loves pioneering trend-setting cut price cosmetic surgery.

 

LALIO BOHOHO - a posh rebel who's really lost it, but wants to make another scene without too much violence this time. But she has recently become very issue driven and inspired by numerous zeitgeists.

 

PIP DE RIDDOR - an isolated trust-funded fantasist, enjoying the buzz of many phobias.

 

KOPOV STRAITMANOV - a mercenary undercover detective and private law enforcer. Also moonlighting as a security guard for Percheron Towers and is secretly PIP DE RIDDOR's stalker and number one fan. PIP's only fan, of course. Although that could just be his cover story...

 

TAR BABIES - they live in the walls and are secreted by TARVOA

 

FOAM CUM BABIES - they're foamy cum and they're alive.

 

PHANTOMIZED DEATH SQUAD INC - a series of spiritual phantoms created by TARVOA'S family sent to get her. They're made from old lingerie, crescent and crucifix-shaped sex toys and swastikas made from twisted rubber penises.

 

Set in the inner city urban environment around Percheron Towers, deep in the big polluted shitty (as in city). The time is now, whenever that might be. In parallel, it is also set in a dilapidated flat within the sprawl of suburbia and an inner city college campus. The action spans for only one day; time predictably blurs throughout the day and obviously has no real meaning. Note: Theme music is a sample of a recording of someone vomiting; it is getting cut and scratched as if it is part of a DJ set.

MORNING

 

 

 

ONE

 

Swish luxury penthouse. It is sparse as everything is folded into tiny compartments. A rug is on the floor. A huge flat screen TV is the backdrop. YANKIESPANKIETODDY enters dressed in a designer suit, looking chiselled and tanned. His hair is covered in cling-film and tin foil. He poses checking himself out in a compact mirror, putting it away. He opens a compartment and takes out various energy and vitamin supplements. He takes as many as he can washing them down with Lucozade, Ultra Fuel and whisky. He looks around frantically checking if anybody saw him and quickly puts them all away, even picking up dropped supplements and pockets them. PIP suddenly enters, in his dressing gown, soiled boxer shorts and battered crocs. He looks as if hasn't slept for years, his eyes are puffy and his skin is pale, flaking away. YANKIESPANKIETODDY sprays PIP with some sort of designer aftershave in a small spray dispenser. He shakes his head at PIP.

 

YANKIESPANKIETODDY Yaw clean th' place up if yaw locked up in it. Check? Yaw git me, cleaner?

 

PIP (baffled.) What? I'm a work in progress....I'm a bit -

 

TODDY I can't gas -gutta dash,cowfuckboy.Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaw!

 

YANKIESPANKIETODDY exits quickly, slamming the door. GOSPEL RICK appears from behind the door, staggering around aimlessly. He wears a skeleton costume, and large retro Hi-Tec trainers; he's soaked in blood. He pulls a bit of broken metal out of his chest, smiling. He opens a compartment and plugs a games console controller into his mouth. He reaches for a beanbag and pulls down his trousers as he uses it as a toilet. He does a horrendous shit-fart. PIP takes out a bottle of pills from one dressing gown pocket and takes a cup and a sachet of powder and fills the cup full of powder which he tries to drink

 

PIP I've got to get targeted today. You know what I mean Rick! Contracted. Connected. Stereoed - the marketing people need me to keep in the loop. In the know. But I hate going out there. Did you get any milk?

 

RICK(laughs.)

 

PIP Thanks. Mate. I don't call you that often I know, but I don't know what I'd do without you. It better not be that weird milk, though?

 

RICK(still laughing.)

 

PIP I don't know how you keep doing it. I have to stay hardcore for Toddy's sake - he's a businessman after all.

 

RICK(drooling, smiling.)

 

PIP You're a great laugh, it's good you're around to keep me company - even if I do pay for all your extra meds.

 

RICK(falling asleep.)

 

PIP(still trying to make GOSPEL RICK listen to him, even though he's snoring.) I'm pleased you like my company, too. I've never felt so alive in the city. I come from the country you know. It's really dull. But it's fresh there. The whole planet'll be one big city soon. Like where the Emperor lives. But I'm working hard to meet my equal opps deadline.

 

We hear knocking at the door. It slowly opens. We see LALIO BOHOHO dressed like a bondage vampire priestess.

 

PIP You again?

 

LALIO Ehehehehmeeeh? Ellooooooo guv'nor! Like me colours?

 

PIP Where?

 

LALIO(smacking her lips together.) Don't tell me it's out of fashion again! The guys in the studio were going to top themselves, but I said think of the reunion! They'll be fine after a stint high and dry.

 

PIP You hear for the position?

 

LALIO(starts gyrating, then writhes on the floor trying to simulate various sexual positions.) I'm here to fuck that high flying business man stud! I'll do anything! ANYFIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!

 

PIP I'm sure.

 

LALIO You like sex in the shitty?

 

PIP No. I'm scared of it. I don't like germs.

 

LALIO You're in clogs?

 

PIP They're not -

 

LALIO I get it, dudus-bud-ass. I's chockin' likka gangstarr buff brer gitmoi, bluud?

 

PIP You're fucked.

 

LALIO That coke-o-skag on your Shreddies? I can't tell, but you can't speedball Shreddies dickomondo!

 

PIP(looking around him; GOSPEL RICK suddenly starts laughing again. It rains Shreddies) What Shredd-

 

LALIO What he doing?

 

PIP He's on benefits. And a repeat prescription.

 

LALIO For what?

 

PIP For being poor and thick I think. Oh - and for living in the city! He's even a test-tube baby, too. So he likes charity. He's in projects, programmes and politically correct diversity schemes - all sorts to hide him away. Even prison. And his whole family run some second-hand drugs cartel. They're all smacked up now.

 

LALIO Sounds like a good soap. We get it on?

 

PIP What? Here? Now?

 

LALIO What's the scene? You don't have Lego-hair? What's Toddy's business plan? Not D.V.D.A. again?

 

PIP It might be. What does it all mean? He's gone to sort his shares out. He makes so much at the markets.

 

LALIO Must've skills to pay big bills. Better than sticking your cock in a dead pig to get on in life. You know my daddy must know him! My mummy and daddy are diverse - they swing it, of course; they're soooo minted. I've got to spend, spend, spend before I'm cut out of the will!

 

PIP I don't know them, do I?

 

LALIO We're probably related, but fuck it – let’s fuck! We'll keep it in the family, eh?

 

PIP Family? What family?

 

LALIO(sticks some luna beads in her mouth and tries to do a Don Corleone impression.) Dee fam mon! It all on fam mon, yeeeeeeeh-bluuud! (Spits the luna beads out, PIP catches them looking disgusted. LALIO goes to hug PIP but he backs away.) Look I'm changing, I lost my vibespacebrainbooktwittwat.(Sticking her index and middle fingers into PIP'S mouth, thrusting them in and out rapidly.) Get me, GeekTwat? Can I check my vid-mail shit here?

 

PIP I've got to interview you first.

 

LALIO I've got to make sure you clean up!

 

PIP The place is clean!

 

LALIO Fill in the form, though. Make sure you do the ethnic minority form. So we can avoid you! HAH!

 

PIP Wait up - what form?

 

LALIO I got it. (Hands PIP a fortune cookie.) Break and see. It's to make it more interesting.

 

PIP(tries to Vulcan mind-meld with the fortune cookie.) Not lottery numbers again!

 

LALIO Shut up and break!

 

PIP(eats the fortune cookie without looking at the fortune inside.) Well, I reckon you've got it. Toddy'll pay you the going rate.

 

LALIO I don't care - I want to get my rocks off!

 

PIP Really?

 

LALIO Not with you though, you filthy bedroom troll.

 

PIP Troll?

 

LALIO Love that flickeroo. Eat it ooop! EAAAAAAAAAAATIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!

 

PIP I....(Baffled.) I think Rick needs his drip.

 

LALIO(spams herself; slapping the palm of her hand quite forcibly upon her forehead. Smiles at PIP, hugs him tightly.) Why didn't you say you're hooked up?

 

Tubes fall down from the ceiling and LALIO reveals her cannula and connects herself to the drip.

 

PIP I need to help Rick.

 

LALIO Rick's fine. More for me and you brooover! Do they do morphine nights and valium days here?

 

PIP I don't know that scene anymore. I have to finish my piece off.

 

LALIO What you do?

 

PIP I write the local scheme newsletter for Percheron Towers.

 

LALIO So you're not important? Just impotent! You just think you're well important! Fuckin' typical! I would've fucked you if you really were! Silly boy! Who fuckin' reads local newsletters? I bet Toddy big-balls pays the bills, right? (PIP looks offended, but tries to hide it.) You the Camptown Lady, bitch?

 

PIP No, I help. I have a trust and I'm his freelance intern.

 

LALIO(opens a compartment, and takes out a potato-sack dress and slips it over the vampire priestess bondage gear, trying to look Cinderella style. Puts on a blonde Monica Mayhem-style wig. Takes off her stiletto boots and puts on some wooden clogs.) I'm sure I've seen you on a eighteen to thirty? I've seen you in a club somewhere. Where have I seen you? It has to be somewhere.

     PIP I don't leave the city. No way - I was born here, I'll never leave. I don't want to - even though I hate it and moan about it all the time; and secretly hope for it to be destroyed - but, apart from that, I truly want to die here: it's like a tomb and a prison all in one!

 

LALIO(loudly chomps on a chewing gum, fails to blow a bubble with it, but licks her fingers seductively and pulls at the gum.) Just me din-dins, guess there's crimes everywhere these days; it's always been like it. Doesn't matter where you go, matey. Not just in the city, too, I mean literally anywhere! But it's fucked here - I had to skip over the mines.

 

PIP They're bins.

 

LALIO(takes out her drip tube.) Oh, I wondered what they're for.

 

PIP(smiles.) So you're another big kid with a lot of cash, too? Hope it doesn't rain Shreddies again, but I reckon you're more sheltered than me!

 

LALIO(starts to daub GOSPEL RICK with greasepaint.) I shelter in slums, sometimes a park bench. I suck off tramps for free, and they get a shock when they rim me! You know we've all got tails, right? I got a great idea to piss some time away! Shall we make him look like a punk rasta? It'll be like Insane Clown Posse mixed with Kiss and Aswad. But he'll be our yard-fuckbait (Takes a dreadlock wig out of the compartment and puts it on GOSPEL RICK) It'll be a good e-pic?

 

PIP A what?

 

LALIO E-pic? Take a pic? E-pictures. E-i-e-o? You know? We might get a scene! (Starts to style her hair, twiddling it.) But he might work in the band. I've been working with some odd fucks called Gory Pussy Collective. Psy-trance Screamo Rave Punk.

 

PIP Nobody says e-pic. I don't get it. What the fuck are you -

 

LALIO(trying to get PIP'S nipples hard by blowing on them and flicking them.) You heard of it aiiight?

 

PIP(LALIO is sucking and licking PIP's nipples.) Rhyming slang for Isle of Wight? Right? Don't tell me you played there?

 

LALIO We're all over, but the band-movement-thing keeps breaking up and getting back together. It's more of a scene really. A casual instense kinda vibe. We're eating the marketing fuckers at the moment by letting random veejays do their own bootleg remixes of our shit. It's all experimental, we think - like who really fuckin' knows! We've only got two songs. No, maybe one. But the point is it's about the issues, maaaaaaaaaaaaan!

 

PIP What issues?

 

LALIO Whatever, right? You didn't notice the world shit? Loads of shit, all the shittyworldshit? The shitty system shit? Man... it's just a dump, like a masive shit. All the religious shit? Spirit stuff? In the shitter. Earth-turdin'. You don't check it?

 

PIP No, I don't.

 

LALIO You stay here all the time right? Like a bumboy?

 

PIP It caters all my needs here. But I'm no bum-boy, sweetie.

 

LALIO Shit, that's crazy.

 

PIP Why?

 

LALIO I love the fresh air.

 

PIP What? Out there?

 

LALIO I get high off the sulphur at times. It sends me dizzy - my heart skips beats all the time! It's kooky, but not that odd - now dogging on Marylebone, that's -

 

PIP I need another cup of-

 

LALIO Acid? Brilliant idea! We should Yage it up as well, baby! Yage rage is zen-gaga, buddio - Yage is the new skag. You mix it up with opiate-E?

 

PIP What you on about? You're a dick - you know nothing! There's no water here. We're all on powder now!

 

LALIO Piss on me. I drink my piss too!

 

PIP Toddy knows. He's seen you before on Daisy and Dawson's sites.

 

LALIO I wanted the Hegre-artyfarty job. But I might get it on with you if I was bored, but I've got an infection.

 

PIP I don't want to know. Please wait while I -

 

LALIO I keep razors up my cunt too. You never know these days - d'yer?

 

PIP Twat-blades?

 

LALIO Oh sooooo handy. Sharp pussies can save lives.

 

PIP Sorry - it can only be violent. You in a girl gang? A switchblade sissy? I can use you for my feature. That's semi-interesting. Is it in the news already? Then I'll know if it's relevant for today!

 

LALIO(starts to put make-up over her face, messily.) No, oh no - it's for a quick trim on the tube. If my pubes grow, I'll need a quick hack, or it might fuck up my job. I mean, I lost some jobs on having too much bush. I Braaaaaaaa-zilla it all up but it grows back soooooooo quick, it gets soooooooo bushy. Must be me body. Or the steroids.

 

PIP(takes out a D.D.T spray-can and goes to spray it over LALIO.) You're -

 

LALIO I love bushy bushes though. I think the HRT hasn't fully worked. I got opped.

 

PIP Sorry?

 

LALIO(takes out her tail- penis. PIP'S in shock, pressing the spray can over himself, but it's empty.) Check it.

 

PIP You've got a -

 

LALIO It came free with my fanny moulds!

 

PIP(disgusted.) I'm -

 

LALIO It's brilliant right? I can stuff most things up me. I done anal fisting when I was pregnant - when I was younger though! I've got to think of me figgy now!

 

PIP I-

 

LALIO Feel it - go on! It's all spongy. It ain't latex. It's off my fat arse. I'm on the Primose Hill-Somalian diet now. I'll bin it for the Shoreditch Sudanese diet soon. Would I look trendy if I stood next to a refugee? Like a real one? That's on telly a bit more.

 

PIP(repulsed.) Shit that's -

 

LALIO Toddy loves it. When we done 'Dogs Dinner Playhouse Dolls Two Hundred' he said I should get more surgery. I've had the foreskin sorted out now. Look I'm glowing - that's the melanin O.D I had last year working its magic - it's all worth it.

 

PIP(retching.) T-t-that’s poison!

 

LALIO My word you really are tied to the nineties!

 

PIP(crying.) I'm sorry, I'm so down...I get soooooo-

 

LALIO(starts slapping him feebly.) Oh great, you're a cry baby. Another wet. Bet you work in P.R.! You need a remedy! Or are you a little floppy willy? Just my fucking luck!

 

PIP(blubbing.) I can be angry. Like a real man. But I'll need to adjust my meds.

 

LALIO Don't we all! Look, Pippy, tell Toddstarr I'll call back later!

 

PIP How do you know my name? (LALIO shrugs.) Can you get me some milk?

 

LALIO Sure. It's off my free range.

 

       LALIO squirts ejaculate out of her tail-penis, vagina, and rectum all over PIP. PIP licks it up, tasting it for some time as if he's a top chef.

 

PIP(smiles.) That's quite -

 

          PIP passes out. RICK starts laughing. LALIO takes out a bottle of baby oil and pours it over herself, and into her clogs, smearing  herself in it, dancing.

 

TWO

 

YANKIESPANKIE TODDY enters with a labia on his forehead and a penis for a nose. He is dressed in a surgical scrub covered in blood and looks shaken. He drinks a bottle of Absinthe. He looks at himself in the mirror, posing, smiling shiny teeth smiles. Keeps trying different smiles. He puts an earpiece into his ear.

YANKIESPANKIE TODDY(perfect English accent.) Now for when I fist thee fish and fudge, I want a foreskin on my knuckles? Okay? Stick it on the account, baby!

 

YANKIESPANKIE TODDY jumps out of a window, we hear him laughing out loud as he falls.

 

THREE

 

LALIO is slapping PIP. She has hog-tied him and placed him over a chair. She pulls down his boxers, but lets him keep his dressing gown on. LALIO adjusts a webcam in the corner.

 

PIP(coming round, realising he's hog-tied.) No, nooo! Look, erm, umm... babe, look, the neighbours we'll hear and -

 

LALIO But I've got to try out moi new dickie? I paid good money for this. It's not like I can flog it on shitebay - can I?

 

PIP No, but -

 

LALIO Let me see if it works up the junction. I've got a fanny-pump, too. Do you stretch your dick?

 

PIP Noooooooooooooooooo!

 

LALIO laughs as she is about to anally fuck PIP. GOSPEL RICK suddenly enters and handcuffs himself to LALIO. LALIO starts laughing, but RICK's stronger and pulls her away. LALIO screams, as RICK drags her away. PIP is crying. We then hear a banging from below, then the doorbell rings.

 

PIP RICK! RICK! IT'S THE DOOR! I RECKON IT'S THE NEW NEIGHBOURS - THEY'RE REALLY QUIET SO THEY'VE GOT TO BE DICKS! JUST GET RID OF THEM! PLEASE RICK! RICK?

 

LALIO is screaming, the doorbell keeps ringing.

 

LALIO(off) CORN-NUTS! SALTY BALLS! WHAT'S THE FUCKIN' PASSWORD, CHIEF?!

 

LALIO screams again.

 

LALIO(off)HARDERYOUTOOL!HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARD-ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

 

PIP(annoyed.) They'll call the -

 

TARVOA enters dressed in a white wedding dress, her face covered in the veil, and she wears a white cricket hat. She looks around. PIP looks scared, freezing. From elsewhere in the penthouse, we still hear LALIO and RICK copulating.

 

TARVOA You leave door open. You have fine time?

 

PIP Erm, well, look, I'm -

 

TARVOA(starts to untie PIP.) You call polliz?

 

PIP Sorry?

 

TARVOA(giggles.) I not long here.

 

PIP(stares at TARVOA, then pulls up his boxer shorts.) Right, right. Thanks. You want a -

 

                LALIO screams, then starts laughing. We hear GOSPEL RICK grunting like a pig.

 

LALIO(off.) YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAW!

 

PIP Don't worry about them - it's all very civilized really.

 

TARVOA She wife? For you?

 

PIP Wife? No - no way.

 

TARVOA(starts to mumble some strange incantation over PIP.) ARGEEBARRGEEEEEEEEARRRRRRRRRGEEEEOOOOOOOO!

 

PIP That's wacky - I've seen it before though! You’ll go solo too?

 

TARVOA I know not what this wacky is.

 

PIP(smiles.) It's an expression, I mean -

 

TARVOA(places her hand over PIP's mouth.) SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSH! Shut mouth - silence is good now.

 

PIP(muffled.) ERMMUMER!

 

TARVOA HOOSH! (Starts crying, looking up at the ceiling, sniffs the air.) It's my parents. They know. I hate leaving my-

 

PIP(removes TARVOA'S hand away from his mouth, gently holds her hand.) It's okay, I mean. You're English is pretty good for a foreign body. You might get on okay here. You never know. I don’t want to oppress you, I’m pro-everything.

 

TARVOA(horrified as PIP holds her hand. She snatches her hand away, but she starts secreting tar from her breasts.) ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

 

PIP(amazed.) Oh gosh!

 

TARVOA(looking around.) My parents - no dappy pappy-o, no yummy mummy-o!

 

PIP That's well strange - I haven't seen that before. What religion's this -

 

TARVOA I must leave. I have evil.

 

PIP No, it's just -

 

TARVOA I am promised to Artizmon. Not to -

 

PIP(smelling the tar.) It's tar? That's amazing. How you -

 

TARVOA I must leave.

 

YANKIESPANKIE TODDY enters, dressed as Elvis. He smiles, as he masturbates his nose penis. TARVOA screams when she see TODDY. PIP doesn't seem to notice TODDY'S recent surgery. We hear the sounds of frenzied whipping from else where; and occasionally we hear LALIO moaning and GOSPEL RICK occasionally snorting like a pig 

 

TODDY Yayyayay! Pippy boy? You keggin' it? Smells like... a party? Where's the-

 

PIP Toddy it's not what you-

 

TODDY This might be a good cam-show - what's that? Choccy sauce or shit?

 

PIP It's tar.

 

TODDY I like it - that's a good sell. Tar-sports. We'll work it in between scat-play and golden showers. She's okay to be hog-tied and spanked? I'll get the machines on her after I double dip her. It's all go right?

 

PIP I know it's -

 

We suddenly hear thunder and see flashes of lightning; we hear some demonic groaning. TARVOA convulses, but she's making a deep throaty growl as if possessed.

 

TODDY We better give her a job. Or is that her orgasm? It's a bit Eighties, isn't it?

 

PIP She's not interested in -

 

TODDY She's in a cult, right? So she's got to be messed up - all religious types are! They make the best porn stars! What's with the weird get up then? Or it Halloween already?

 

PIP She's spiritual - I don't know what! She might pray to booze for all I know! I think she's the new neighbour - downstairs.

 

TODDY Brilliant international recruitment policy, buddybud! I needed more spiritual people in the shows actually. We need to be more multi-cultural on it. Schumer’s cornering it all. Hit the diversity market. Fill the quotas, tick the boxes, jizz over the swarm! Just to make us look interested in equal rights, right? Remember it’s just about looking interested. The more ethnic the better. It can be shit though - all we need is just some Black, Brown Asian, Chinkywinky Slavic, someone from a gulag camp piece of shit lobbed in too. I don’t know what it’s called, do I? I just watch the News in sixty seconds! Maybe we'll do a two minute promo trailer? (Punching the air, as if lifting weights.) I'm into fist -

 

PIP I didn't know equality was a problem for you?

 

TODDY It's one of those little problems.

 

PIP I can imagine.

 

TODDY It's worse when we're forced to be all equal. It's rubbish that - where's the fun in that?

 

PIP You're not going to rack her?

 

TODDY(excited, smiling.) She can start tonight - get her prepped, boyo-bud. I want Mindy on her hair and make-up - make sure she gets an enema right, for you know what? What you think of you know what?

 

PIP What?

 

TODDY (points to his labia and his penis-nose.) Oh yoo-hoo!

 

PIP Oh, yes, great.

 

TODDY Very expensive - I did get a discount though - but it's worth it. I’m ahead of the game, it’s a future thing. It's also a massive career move for me, although I'm still not happy about the stretchiness of the labia.

 

PIP Right.

 

TODDY Want to flick it for me puh-leeeze? We can do some stretches?

 

PIP I better -

 

TODDY Is she dead? I'll call Vinnie and we'll let him know there's a corpse. He'll like that!

 

PIP She's not dead!

 

TODDY You know I joked with the surgeon that this was a rhino penis - get it?

 

PIP No - I don't. It a tribal thing? (TODDY shrugs, looking disappointed that PIP did not get his "joke".) And what happened to your American accent?

 

TODDY It's all change buddy, all change-a-changin'. Keep with the times. Yank-glish text speak is the way forward.

 

PIP(baffled.) What are you talking about Toddy?

 

TODDY I need to move with the times - so do you! - I'm practising my post-Ali G media chat. I want to do (Pants like a dog.) - get it? Panto aiiiight? See maybe we can solve every street-war with a camp dance-off? (Tries to sing Prince's 'Dance On', then takes out his mobile phone and plays it off it, putting it down, while trying to bodypop over it, but ends up convulsing on it. PIP winces, tries to silence YANKIESPANKIE TODDY by trying to stop his dancing. YANKIESPANKIE TODDY comes round, looking miffed; he goes to stab PIP with his mobile phone, then, puts the mobile down his trousers and hugs PIP.) See, it's the future - I mean darrr footah... No, dee ferturrr. No-

 

PIP Okay, I'll -

 

TODDY And I've a got a reality porno series I want to do. Hopefully it'll get picked up by the MTV whores, but I reckon it'll rot on freeporndotnet.

 

PIP Again?

 

TODDY Clear up this shit by the way. Weren't you meant to clean up? I can still the smell jizz from last night, mate. It's a bit raw!

 

PIP Can you help me lift her up?

 

TODDY I'm not the servant! You play that one! Then you do me up th-

 

PIP I know, I know.

 

PIP looks baffled, as he can't lift TARVOA and clenches his back, looking at TODDY as he winces, as he attempts to lift her up.

 

TODDY Drag her, right? Must be all that healthy fly food they eat abroad!

 

PIP I would get Rick to help me but he's in the suite with that Lalio Bohoho girl.

 

TODDY(looking devastated.) No way! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

 

PIP She's putting on one of her performances, I thought you had arranged it. She's doing some thinkey-po-mo-piece, too. I said no-one really relates to them anyway - I mean who's got time to think about thinking these days?

 

TODDY(sweating.) Don't encourage her, she's a fuckin' real freak - I don't want to work with her again. (Gulps, rubbing his labia forehead, anxiously.) Never again. She's hideous. She'll fuck us all...up.

 

PIP Shall we lock her in there?

 

TODDY I've got to go. Put her off. We'll give ethno-chicky the part.

 

PIP But she's -

 

TODDY I know - that's why you're going to deal with it! I've got to dash - I've got shares in my eco-friendly glass dildo company to flog.

 

YANKIESPANKIE TODDY opens a hidden wall compartment and takes out of the compartment a cape and a 'Toxic Avenger' mask; he puts it on; his nose-penis distorting the mask even more.

      PIP A party?

 

TODDY I'll be back - later buddy-o yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaw!

 

YANKIESPANKIE TODDY jumps out of the penthouse window.

 

PIP Great. This is going to be more than a party.

 

We hear thunder then sounding more demonic grumbling, we hear Depeche's Mode 'The Landscape Is Changing' from below. PIP looks around, momentarily staring at the chair, then listens to the walls then listens to the floor. Suddenly, the PHANTOMIZED DEATH SQUAD INC appear flying around, screeching like harpies. TARVOA regains consciousness and screams; she screams even louder as PIP stumbles on top of her, both writhing together in the tar.

AFTERNOON

 

ONE
Penthouse clubhouse bar in the Penthouse.

LALIO is trying to use a guitar amplifier like a vibration machine; and occasionally tries to play guitar with her tongue, trying to get the best feedback out of it. A guitar case is nearby. She starts dancing and her anus beads and vagina-balls dangle down as she dances. She then stamps on a strawberry cheesecake, which looks like it was taken off a shop display. She picks bits off her toes, licking it, smearing it on the guitar, bouncing up and down on the amp.

PIP is still in his dressing gown and is sweating as he watches LALIO. She's got him on a dog leash, while RICK is taped up in a sleeping bag wiggling like a fat, oily, bug. TARVOA has sanitary towels over her tarry nipples and her dress is covered in tar. She looks scared as she has been gagged with tampons and tied in dental floss. YANKIESPANKIE TODDY is in disguise as the penthouse club BAR MAN, by wearing his cape Emperor-style and walking on his knees, pretending to be a midget. There's literally a small mini bar.

 

LALIO(trying to sound like Karen Black) Wanna foot-job? I betcah like guts smeared on yer dick, right? (She then starts making retching and fake orgasm sounds.) Oooh - check it, uhuhuh -

 

PIP(tries to rescue the strawberry cheesecake, but backs away.) I have to get back, I'm sorry.

 

LALIO is still making retching and groaning sounds and shakes her butt and takes out of a guitar case a gherkin and some peanut butter which she dips into it and starts to suck the gherkin. The BAR MAN puts out a bowl of Pills that have been mixed with the roasted peanuts and PIP plays with one of them, while RICK tries to munch them all, through a taped mouth.

 

RICK(gnawing at the tape around his mouth,drooling.)

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRWOOFWOOFWOOOF!

 

PIP I need to - (Retches over his fake wine.) Bar man! More health juice, please. (Whispering.) Maybe some real alcohol if you can -

 

BAR MAN Urgh, yousss beee carrreful on thar savage seas.

 

PIP I don't need a lecture today, so please don't start.

 

BAR MAN Umm yarsh thee force is -

 

PIP I SAID DON'T FUCKIN START YOU LITTLE SHIT! (Shocked by himself.) I'm sorry, I didn't mean to -

 

BAR MAN (pretends to cry.) Boo-hoo-boo-hooooooooooooo!

 

PIP Oh dear, I'm so sorry. Shit, I've fucked you're life up now - haven't I? I didn't mean to cause you emotional distress. Look, is it okay if I give you half a mill, you'll shut up right?

 

BAR MAN(sniffling.) Oh, go on then.

 

PIP Brilliant. I'll send you a cheque - here's my card.

 

BAR MAN Thanks (Reads the card, shaking his head.)...Toddy. Great name... Mate.

 

PIP(winks at the BAR MAN.) I know. Mate. Oh gosh - that made me feel better. It was almost an illegal legal high. Sorry, that makes no sense!

 

           The BAR MAN exits, looking annoyed. LALIO screams, as TARVOA and GOSPEL RICK wriggle.

 

LALIO Noa arko darko wayooo! Mon!MOooooooooooooooooooon! What a mad scene! It's happening, right? It's all happening!

 

PIP Where?

 

LALIO It's such a vibe. I'm gutted that midget's knocked off now - fisting Dead Babies style! I'm serious mon, I really wanted to screw it! We've done soooooooooo much shit!

 

PIP Have we?

 

LALIO I love this hyperjuice health shake.

 

PIP You do? I think it tastes like shit.

 

LALIO You need to lighten up. It's all in the mind.

 

PIP(shaking his head.) Where's Rick?

 

LALIO(eyes TARVOA. TARVOA looks scared.) She a girlfy?

 

PIP Who?

 

LALIO Snow White covered in scat. (Taps PIP'S head.) You got some dark shit in there mister.

 

PIP No, it's erm...no, it's not like that, you see, she's my, erm, well-

 

LALIO I KNEW IT! You're screwing her over and you want me to double dip her with you? Right? I do crazy lesbo shit too. (Goes to squeeze TARVOA'S tarred breasts.) Can I squeeze her tits?

 

PIP(pushing LALIO's hands away from TARVOA'S breasts.) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NO! Sorry but -

 

LALIO Getting possessive already? Retro-oldey-woldey. I diggio dude-breath.

 

PIP(losing it with LALIO, who's now oiling up a slider-dildo which she takes from the guitar case.) Dude-breath? That meant to be cool? Look, whatever your name is, you're trapped in the shitty fad of your turdy subculture! You're not shocking, okay? And you speak SO much shit. Thanks for the free gig, by the way! It was shit: you can't play or sing - or do anything! Can't you just fuck off now? Please - I'll pay you -

 

LALIO You got it! It was well po-mo! I hit it! We got to hang round more - you got my perfie straight up. Blow yer mind huh?

 

PIP(amazed.) I can't get rid of you, can I?

 

LALIO(makes a slider-dildo gun at TARVOA; loads it like a Winchester pump-action shot gun.) She's my competition?

 

PIP Oh, erm, no, no way. No, she's my new assistant. She's new to the city, of course, but no foreign-national, she's pure, gaining experience working here at Percheron towers - she needs to be erm, broken in (LALIO snorts, shaking her head.) No! I didn't mean like -

 

LALIO Toddy's getting uppity - two ass-istants now. Arsey-d'arcy!

 

PIP No, he's -

 

LALIO(puts on yet more make-up, plays with her hair.) I bet we can do some weird shit - all of us together, right? When's Toddy getting back?

 

PIP I don't know, he's in... Where is he after trading, as it's July, I mean December... He'll be in Japan now. His flight's just landed.

 

LALIO Japan? Shit, that's crazy. (Ninja-kicks PIP'S bum.) Jahpon! JAP-PORN! They lurrrrve weird shit there. I shat on a cow and milked it with me gob for one client over there. He needed it animated to jerk off to it - as you do! But Toddy in Jahpon - woooow, fuck! That's like a big wow-wee! He toonin' it up?

 

PIP Japan isn't in Newcastle, my -

 

LALIO No - you sushi-dick - in the -

 

RICK GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR-

 

LALIO(at RICK.) DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHN! (Smiles, applauds herself.) Sorry, I always wanted to do that; it was like a childhood dream.

 

PIP Oh great - I'm going to have to get something that'll accidentally kill you!

 

LALIO Shit - that's cool. I'll be dying young and staying pretty.

 

PIP No - you'll be out of my way! I think I'm going to have to call security.

 

PIP rings a little brass bell he takes out of his pocket and KOPOV STRAITMANOV appears, a huge hulking man, built like a brick shithouse. He is looking very serious and dressed like the Milk Tray Man. LALIO falls in love immediately. GOSPEL RICK growls, then falls asleep, while TARVOA struggles to get his attention help her.

 

KOPOV You rang?

 

LALIO Now that's a porn star Pip! You're good, you're really good.

 

PIP(points at LALIO.) Can you eject this one please?

 

LALIO(laughing, claps at PIP, then tries to fondle KOPOV.) Alright! Get funky fuzzy-pig-boy! Come on, arrest me - arrest me, please? See I said please!

 

LALIO runs around, using her gherkin as a ninja sword and makes swishing noises, trying to ram it into KOPOV'S mouth. KOPOV munches the gherkin spitting it out at LALIO. This gets her horny, as KOPOV grabs the slider dildo off her, shaking his head. LALIO rubs herself between her legs, then takes a powdered-water bottle from the guitar case and tries to snort some then throws some over KOPOV. KOPOV licks the powder slowly staring at LALIO, while she rubs herself harder, groaning.

 

PIP Get her out quick!

 

LALIO(winking at KOPOV, licking her fingers.) I'll need searching first! Tickticktickticktick -

 

PIP Get her out - she's -

 

LALIO stuffs her wet cummy fingers into PIP'S mouth; PIP is shocked.

 

KOPOV(licking his lips, smiling.) I noticed sir.

 

LALIO CUFF ME!CUFF ME, LOOK! I'M BEING A LAIRY CUNT! CUFF ME!

 

KOPOV(takes out a real police baton and batters LALIO with it, but she's getting turned on by it, but slowly loses consciousness.) Silence-ov, sir. (Smiles, pleased with his beat job, once LALIO'S unconscious, but she's covered KOPOV in powdered water and cum, as he examines the slider-dildo.) Hmmn.

 

PIP She's been like it all day. Did you just joke? (KOPOV shrugs, putting the slider-dildo into a large resealable plastic bag which struggles to contain it. PIP looks disgusted by his health juice.) I really need to relax. A whisky'll be great.

 

KOPOV(goes behind the bar and takes out the smallest bottle of whisky with a pipette attached to it. He opens it and uses the pipette to measure a drop of whisky, which he squirts into PIP'S health juice; PIP looks even more disappointed.) I can arrange for you to have a massage - and for your wife, maybe.

 

PIP Oh no, thanks, but no. And no, Officer, she's my assistant.

 

KOPOV(winking at PIP, downs the whisky, putting it away behind the bar.) I see. Do you need anything to relax? Remember sir, I'm also a source of legal information.

 

PIP Anything on sale?

 

KOPOV(going behind the small bar, takes out two small cardboard packets. Hands them to PIP) We have some tobacoholcainecana-E-blowskagacid. It's legal now, thank goodness. Saves on the paperwork. You can buy it in special state-sponsored packets.

 

PIP Yes, that sounds brilliant.

 

RICK(howls, wriggling his tongue)

 

PIP We'll take two thanks.

 

KOPOV Okay. That'll be four million.

 

PIP Four?

 

KOPOV Yes. Please? (PIP looks shocked; KOPOV blows PIP a kiss.) Thank you! By the way, despite it being legal to buy you are not allowed to do it for national health reasons.

 

PIP Right. So we can have it but we can't, you know?

 

KOPOV Yes. It's the law. Kind of. 

 

PIP That's a shame.

 

RICK(howls, but is now crying.)

 

PIP Okay, so I buy it, it'll be more like a collectors item?

 

KOPOV Yes, that's the idea! You should seriously think about pursuing legal administration.

 

PIP Really? The planets must be on my side - I read that in a fortune cookie once. It gave me the shits.

 

KOPOV It'll make you feel good just to have it. forget the cookie. It'll make you feel good for a while - scientifically speaking, of course. And you can attend meetings to resist it. You'll have a personal advisor who will contact you through all means of communication. At the meetings they make tea - even hot carob-based snacks. Tasty, eh? Then you can chat. Get it all out. Talking is the new opium, right?

 

PIP Right...I suppose that's addiction beat, eh?

 

KOPOV Yes - it appeased everyone! We think...This administration has the right idea.

 

PIP Think? What administration?

 

KOPOV Does it matter anymore? (Trying the beach sunglasses vendor's hard-sell technique on PIP.) You want? You want it? You really need-

 

PIP(annoyed at KOPOV.) I am not paying out for something I can't -

 

KOPOV It goes to charities backed by various state funded -

 

PIP Oh well, if it's all for a good cause! Why didn't you say before?

 

KOPOV smirks, shaking his head, shrugging. PIP takes out a card and inserts it into a KOPOV'S baton and types in his P.I.N. so anyone can see it. KOPOV looks where PIP returns his card to his dressing gown pocket.

 

RICK(has taken the packs and is trying to swallow them without KOPOV seeing.) GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

 

PIP I'm sorry Mister Security Person for being so rude - you make me feel secure as well. It's well worth it, I hope. I do trust you. Can you take me and my companions back to our main suite please?

 

KOPOV(opens a door.) It's there.

 

PIP Thanks, oh thank you sooooooooooooooooo much!

 

KOPOV Don't worry sir, I've means-tested you already.

 

PIP Great, that's great. Thank you so much!

 

KOPOV(frisks GOSPEL RICK) I don't like the look of him though, sir. I'm going to have to detain him for whenever I'm through with him.

 

PIP Oh, right. I suppose he does look dodgy for these parts. Don't worry Rick, I know you haven't been out for a while. I'll let Toddy know you got a bit messed up. The meds'll sort you out - you'll be hooked up, don't worry! It'll be fine, okay?

 

KOPOV(dragging GOSPEL RICK away. LALIO comes round.) Mam, your nose might be broken. Please do not sue me.

 

LALIO(sizing KOPOV up again.) It's sweet babe - I always wanted a new one. I like it rough -

 

KOPOV Follow me then, please.

 

LALIO Bootiful!

 

KOPOV drags LALIO away as she screams; hear loud cracking sounds of KOPOV'S baton. PIP smiles at TARVOA helping her stagger though the door. The PHANTOMIZED DEATH SQUAD INC appear TARVOA looks scared and tries to hide as PIP tries to shoo them away.

 

PIP Shoo shoo! Can't you spirit fucks see this is a private penthouse! (To TARVOA) Can't you chant something at them? (TARVOA looks frozen with fear she looks baffled by PIP) I suppose our cultures are -

 

KOPOV returns, wiping his baton with a solvent wipe.

 

KOPOV(laughing.) Had to use my baton again on that one - but you didn't hear from me right?

PIP(ignoring him, pointing at the PHANTOMIZED DEATH SQUAD INC.) Can you do anything about them?

 

KOPOV No - not my field of expertise. That's something spiritual - too specialized for me. One for your poncy talking therapies. I don't want to get involved in that!

 

PIP Can't you help me - please get rid of them! They're after her, but she's needed for a , erm, work research.

 

KOPOV I see. Hmmmn. Well, sir, all I can suggest is that you try to parley with them.

 

PIP You have no idea what you’re talking about - do you?

 

KOPOV(laughs to himself, shrugging.) I just storm brains, sir. I can only advise you to find more advice.

 

PIP Thanks.

 

KOPOV Will that be all sir? I've got the day job to go to?

 

PIP Yes, sure, thank you officer.

 

KOPOV Sir!

 

KOPOV salutes, standing to attention, then about turns and tries to goose-step but cramps up and hobbles out.

 

PIP That was efficient. (Still trying to shoo away the PHANTOMIZED DEATH SQUAD INC.) Shame these things are still here though!

 

TARVOA (groans.)

 

PIP Don't worry - maybe they'll go? Fancy powdered tea?

 

TARVOA (shakes her head.)

 

PIP If I take them out you won't scream and beat yourself up again?

 

TARVOA (nods)

 

PIP suddenly gets bundled and attacked by the PHANTOMIZED DEATH SQUAD INC. TARVOA groans.

 

TWO

 

LALIO and RICK are shivering tied up together, while KOPOV masturbates over them. His penis is an artificial extension of a smaller police baton as he wipes his secretions and lubricants on both of them, trying to force his penis-baton into LALIO'S mouth then tries RICK'S mouth, but RICK has passed out.

 

KOPOV You ever been processed?

 

LALIO screams, trying to get free while RICK snores; KOPOV laughs as he takes out the slider-dildo - in a sealed and labelled plastic evidence bag - and rips it out of it.

LALIO stops screaming, and smiles, looking relieved. She starts laughing at KOPOV.

 

THREE

We hear LALIO screaming still and crying out ambiguously - we do not if in pleasure or in pain. PIP is now kissing and hugging the PHANTOMIZED DEATH SQUAD INC. TARVOA stares looking scared at them as PIP is consumed by them; he has messed his hair up and is now wearing an ancient leather biker jacket to promote his idea of his new rebel status. YANKIESPANKIETODDY enters dressed as a hood rat - he's dressed in flammable tracksuit and wears a stained burnt up hoodie and huge platform retro LA Lights trainers. He has sharp curly fake nails on one hand, his other hand is now a huge penis. His penis has also been enlarged and drags along the floor. He also has a single dreadlock which dangles down out from his hood, but it's been wrapped in cling-film. He smokes a pipe wrapped in a Rizla and a piece of foil, a tourniquet around his neck with a syringe attached to it like a piece of jewellery. He jumps around, trying to act tough.

 

PIP She's in the film. She'll do the tar stuff - we need to find more out about her kind though

 

 TODDY Fuck it - we should just fuck and fuck. Like my new image for this one? I was almost going to say cowafucka-bunga!

 

PIP It's very dated now.

 

TODDY Eat my shits! It's coming back with 'dude'. Isn't it? I'll fire that trend-consultant if they fuckin lied to me again. Bloody chancers - they're meant to know what happens; they're gossip whores - I bet they're laughing at me!

 

PIP Sounds a boring event. It go out with a bang, though?

 

TODDY It was a shit party - I was hoping everyone would die from boredom or someone would overdose. Least it's something happening!

 

PIP You haven't been mugged again, have you?

 

TODDY No... no - honest! The security guard saved me from the savages. Thank fuck for that. They're jealous of my body.

 

PIP(makes stabbing movements with his hand.) You're lucky you're not you-know-what. I'm being serious - I do care. I will need your mangled organs at some point for sacrifice. It's non-voluntary, you've been spiritually head-hunted.

 

TODDY Were you calling me a wanker? That's spot-on! What's with the new image, gimpy-geeko?

 

PIP I'm a rebel now. Isn't it obvious?

 

TODDY Huh? How? You're a gimpy geek!

 

PIP Her parents have fucked me spiritually. They're in me.

 

TODDY(hugging PIP, intrigued.) What's a spiritual fuck? A new toy? It got batteries? I bet it needs charging for time? Where I plug it -

 

PIP Shut up and listen you silly tart. I'm running this show now. You hear me?

 

TODDY Am I blushing? You called me a silly tart!

 

PIP She's expecting.

 

TODDY What? No! Not on the new flooring!

 

TARVOA suddenly screams giving birth to loads of TAR BABIES.

 

PIP(laughs completely over-the-top.) It's... A (Looks pale, opens his mouth expecting to vomit.) They look really yucky, it's sickening. I might(Heaves again, but doesn't vomit.) Phew - that's too close.

 

TODDY(trying not to laugh, looking for hidden cameras.) What's going on? It's a cheesy gag, right? It on that show with thingys' bloke? Beadle can't be - must be Charlotte Chur -

 

PIP No, oh no! BELIEEEEEEEEEEEVEEEEEEEE MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

 

TODDY Shit! It real? (Staring the TAR BABIES.) Looks well fake.

 

PIP Will you shut up! She needs to concentrate it's her birthy pre-birth after-birth thing, right?

 

TODDY Shit - you have changed. You been out to get the milk then?

 

PIP I've got the milk alright!

 

       PIP takes out of a compartment floppy oozy CUM BABIES; they're in large boil-in-the bag packets. They scream when they see the TAR BABIES.

 

TODDY(looking nervous, rubbing his penis-nose with his penis-hand.) What you -

 

PIP This is my milk - it's what they needed me for. For my useless unused semen.

 

TODDY That's a lot of cum! You should bank it! What you taking to shoot all that?

 

PIP Is it okay I use your ninja sword out of your weapon collection?

 

TODDY For the pic? Great – fuck it, why not!

 

PIP No, for the sacrifice.

 

TODDY I don't get it?

 

PIP It's all logical. I thought it all through - they keep telling me to -

 

           TARVOA screams in pain crying, secreting yet more tar. YANKIESPANKIE TODDY is amazed.

 

TODDY I'm sick of seeing all this shit against women - aren't you? They get a raw deal -

 

PIP Shut up you freak! I'm going to offer you to -

 

TODDY Wait up - this isn't that hen party where Nick Rava dropped out, so they want -

 

PIP You're so self-obsessed - the world isn't you or this shitty penthouse.

 

TODDY What you saying?

 

PIP I'm saying that it's all shit and I'm the unifier.

 

TODDY This don't make sense, buddy. It's lucky I've got that backup deal with -

 

PIP This is where I chop your head off.

 

TODDY With what? Can we budget for a-

 

PIP(takes out the smallest penknife ever.) This is a start. Expect to find out during your endtime the joys of menstrual pain.

 

TODDY Shit man - can't you find something -

 

PIP(does an awful impression of 'Tetsuo Iron Man'.)ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

 

PIP lunges for TODDY; TODDY tries to dodge him, treads on his enlarged penis, trips over it and gets trapped in the CUM BABIES; he screams.

 

TODDY They're burning my face! PIP! Help! What have I done? I haven't insured it yet! Nooooooooooooooooo!

 

TODDY exits, slowly screaming, trying to pull the gooey CUM BABIES off his face with his penis-hand whilst dragging his huge enlarged penis with his other hand, as it is so heavy.

 

PIP Damn. I'll need to send them after him. I've marked him though. He's not going to get far with my cum. (Angrily, turning to TARVOA.) You will help me lure a new sacrifice?

 

LALIO suddenly bursts back in, screaming, naked, covered in blood, semen and foamy spray whipped cream.

 

LALIO Pip - man, you got to help me. He's lost it again, really lost it. I would've helped Rick, but -

 

PIP I understand. We're of higher plans now. (Looking up, saluting.) Thank you for sending her.

 

        LALIO looks baffled as the PHANTOMIZED DEATH SQUAD INC swamp over her and restrain her as she tries to fight them off.

TARVOA screams.

 

LALIO(to TARVOA.) Help me - please!

 

       LALIO is covered completely by the PHANTOMIZED DEATH SQUAD INC, as TARVOA leaks more TAR. She hugs her tar babies. LALIO thrusts her hand out of the PHANTOMIZED DEATH SQUAD INC and reaches out to TARVOA. TARVOA looks at PIP who shakes his head at her.

 

TARVOA Stop it, stop it. Artizmon no more!

 

PIP(holding his arms out wide as if he's trying to crucify himself in the air, swaying.) I am-

 

GOSPEL RICK enters with a police baton embedded in his head so he looks like a strange unicorn. GOSPEL RICK charges at the PHANTOMIZED DEATH SQUAD INC causing them to get off - or die - on LALIO. PIP tries to block him, but GOSPEL RICK staggers on PIP and falls on top of him.

 

PIP(coming out of his trance.) Securrrrrrrrrrrriteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Help me I'm being attacked by a ruffian. A hood ratted chovvy-chav-fuck has got horny and-

 

TARVOA(screams)

 

PIP(realising GOSPEL RICK is on top of him.) Shit - Rick, it's you? What the fuck's -

 

TARVOA No, please - no!

 

PIP They're not ours - are they?

 

TARVOA You were us. You might -

 

PIP I can't handle kids - they look vile. Can't we get a foreign nanny to sort them out?

 

TARVOA I -

 

PIP I'll get security. It's okay.

 

TARVOA(shaking her head.) No. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-

 

PIP What is it with your sort? You drug me?

 

TARVOA It was the tea.

 

PIP I'll have to remember for the next issue that powdered water might just go out of fashion.

 

TARVOA Your whore friend is -

 

PIP(looking at LALIO.) Shit - it's her again. I thought she'd been ejected. Percheron Towers is no place for scruffs like-

 

TARVOA I -

 

PIP I wasn't going to rant -

 

TARVOA(squeezing her tar babies.) I'm sorry -

 

PIP Oh shit, I forgot. Rick. You okay buddy? Toddy knows some brilliant surgeons. We'll get you those titties you always wanted, mate. See I called you mate, didn't I? We'll get it sorted for the shoot - you'll be fine.

 

TARVOA You must do something.

 

PIP Help me up then. (TARVOA shivers huddling up, hugging her TAR BABIES. PIP tuts, using all his strength trying to push GOSPEL RICK off him.) Get the security -

 

LALIO(coming round.) That was a wicked one. What was I doing?

 

YANKIESPANKIE TODDY enters, the CUM BABIES are now being carried by YANKIESPANKIE TODDY in a maternal sling, as he is now dressed as the Milk Tray Man filming everything with a small endoscopic camera attached to his penis-nose.

 

PIP Security: remove her and help my mate. He's a waster, but he's wasted again.

 

TODDY(flicks his labia-forehead.) Brilliant. I thought you got rid of the girl?

 

PIP She came back.

 

TODDY You got a family now?

 

PIP Wait a mo - what you doing as security?

 

TODDY I got demoted, it's short-term down-turn. I don't mind now. It's work experience. As long as I pretend to remain unapologetically middle-class, I'll work my way up again. (Pretends he is sucking a cock.) You know how it works today!

 

PIP The markets have crashed again?

 

TODDY Who cares! I'm probably just a bit bored of all that to be honest... It's not really me! I mean, I've got everything that I wanted, it wasn't really working out. Wads of money, all those bonuses and all that power! I don't know. It might be a rebellious phase.

 

PIP Oh grow up - lift him off me. Go on. Where's the other bloke?

 

TODDY What other bloke?

 

PIP Don't worry - it might be -

 

TODDY I can't risk injuring myself - I think I'm being singled out by the City. They don't like my sort. I'll get millions off the tribunal for this one.

 

PIP You're not thinking of a sex change?

 

TODDY No, Lalio gave me the idea - I always wanted the best of all worlds.

 

        KOPOV enters dressed like 'Conan the Barbarian' carrying a massive dildo-sword. He yells, baring his teeth. PIP looks confused, while YANKIESPANKIE TODDY looks scared and holds his rectum, trying to prevent himself from excreting.

 

KOPOV ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

 

PIP I don't find it that shocking. It's not new - is it?

 

TODDY(looking ill.) Oh, that's a bit -

 

     YANKIE SPANKIE TODDY suddenly detaches his enlarged penis and dashes off quickly, dropping it as KOPOV swings his massive dildo above his head; LALIO weakly spreads her legs, waiting for KOPOV to strike as PIP struggles under GOSPEL RICK, now fearing the worse. TARVOA screams, as the TAR BABIES attack KOPOV and his face is covered by the TAR BABIES, as they slowly suck his life-force.

 

KOPOV(trying to get the TAR BABIES off his face, slightly muffled.) I was only role-playing, honest (Gasping.)...HON -

 

    KOPOV cannot get the TAR BABIES off him and exits, screaming as if he's on fire.

   PIP struggles again to get GOSPEL RICK off him, but it's no good and passes out.

   We hear the awful mix set through tinny speakers which tries to cut and scratch the recording of someone violently retching.

  GOSPEL RICK suddenly comes round, gets up off PIP, and walks away like a zombie, drooling.

 

EVENING

ONE

 

We see PIP, TARVOA and LALIO all passed out. PIP regains consciousness first and sees TARVOA and LALIO.

 

PIP Nooooooowaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay! I scored on a one night stand! Shit two in one! I hope they're not sex workers again - I usually need to pay for this privilege! Hopefully, I've scored a messy orgy for sweet F.A! (Smiling at his penis, grasping his genitals through his soiled boxers.) I'm sooo pleased I've got a crusty dick! Oh praise the -

 

TARVOA(suddenly screams, then passes out again.)

 

PIP You keep screaming - can't you relax now? I've fucked youz hoez! See my street improves the more Americanized I become.(From his dressing gown pockets, he takes out some MTV-logo acid-tabs, licks one and slaps one his forehead, licking another then placing one on his penis, then eats the rest.) See if I become an English American gangsta-starr I might be able to get welfare in Compton! Oh, yes, I'm hip to the hop. See, I can dance on a broken cut. (PIP tries to break-dance, but does so very slowly and has a strop like a toddler, stamping his feet on the floor in frustration, and ends up trying to break the set but he's too weak and feeble.) Wordupfreakout, Freddie's fucked. Booyar-iiight-kashmirshah! (Slaps himself.) Shit, I must be stereotypically freaking out. I'm free from this, yes, I'll never mess myself up ever again (Looking at LALIO; suddenly shaking sounding elderly.) You're bloody infectious! What have you given me? You dirty things - I'll need testing.

 

TARVOA(releases her gag and dental floss bondage.) I am scared of the unknown. I need closure.

 

PIP I'm sorry - you could've undone that -

 

TARVOA The authorities will know nothing; I have passed.

 

PIP What?

 

TARVOA I need to perform the rituals.

 

PIP Huh?

 

TARVOA Let's get ethnic. (Takes out a remote control and points it, presume she is pressing 'play'. We hear Coolio's 'Kinda High, Kinda Drunk' play; it's horrendous for PIP. PIP tries to break dance again, but is too tired. TARVOA laughs at him, pointing the remote control again, stopping the music, shaking her head in disgust at PIP.) They will hunt us down - forever viva. I need to lose this weight on me

 

PIP Sorry - did you say Viva Forever? Oh no! Not you as well! (Tries to dance like a Spice Girl) I suppose it's the allure of pop - want good legs, a flat tummy? Want to be a stick? Yes, I get it. A good job is being Peaches Geldof. Yes, I think everyone wants to see that sextape. Don't stare me out sulky pants! Eat yourself thin why don't you! I bet you eat your puke! I can't believe how -

 

TARVOA I must visit Ochee - please do not disturb me...Again.

 

TARVOA grows quiet and stands perfectly still like a statue. PIP looks baffled.

 

PIP(opens a compartment and takes out a foil blanket and wraps TARVOA in it, so she's completely covered by it. She occasionally convulses in astral ecstasy as he does this.) Thank goodness for that. Fuckin weirdo. She'll never do what Toddy wants now. I'm fucked. I'll have to do it. (Takes out of the compartment a basque and some stiletto boots. He tries to squeeze into it all, but he can't fit. He's slowly giving up. He takes out some lipstick from his pocket and applies it to his lips quickly, not caring how it looks. He finds a red afro wig and puts it on.) Shit - I need tits. I better find the number of that surgeon.

 

KOPOV enters, covered in CUM BABIES, looking like a giant Sperm cell wearing nothing but a white laboratory coat. He flashes PIP.

 

KOPOV Hello sir - my other day job.

 

PIP Oh right... Good. What's going on out there?

 

KOPOV It's just the world sir, don't worry, it'll turn and turn. It's fucked just like you.

 

PIP I see. I've a problem.

 

KOPOV Yes, your news feature for the Percheron Towers News viral. Viewed by the people who live in the penthouse. And no-one really cares about it.

 

PIP I've suspected it. Not that it keeps me up all night - though I haven't slept in years!

 

KOPOV(stroking PIP's hair and face.) I do like it - I'm your biggest fan. Possibly your only fan. Well, I'm only saying it as I'm standing right in front of you! You pay my living-wages, of course, as you're the higher life form in this society. I don't mind working even if I'm impoverished, I really don't mind. I'm proud to be grafting. But I think you're a bit of a wanker most of the times.

 

PIP I know. I keep getting told that. I don't know why!

 

KOPOV Yes, I read your electronic correspondence too. Interesting, if not flawed. Did you smell me on your console?

 

PIP Huh?

 

KOPOV Don't worry, it's the science bit. Concentrate. (Flashes PIP again. PIP looks shocked.) Tits right?

 

PIP What?

 

KOPOV You need tits?

 

PIP Yes, I -

 

KOPOV(takes out of the pockets of his white laboratory coat, two breasts with a foreskin attached to the nipple of each breast. They are wrapped in cling-film, deli-style.) These are fresh.

 

PIP Great - how much?

 

KOPOV These'll be discounted - say two mill?

 

PIP Fine.

 

KOPOV Okay, I'll stretch your flaps for free.

 

PIP But -

 

KOPOV You'll need them if you want to break the Yanks. Look at all the beautiful people? Exactly! All about Stateside, fuck all that Team GB bullshit!

 

PIP I don't need flaps, though.

 

KOPOV It'll add something.

 

PIP(unsure, but gives in.) Oh go on then.

 

KOPOV You might even be sponsored for charity - you never know? You ever thought about giving birth as a man? You have to network, constantly sell yourself through vlogs. There’s a huge market, so no need to blog all the time - you freaks are usually hot best-sellers. You can do it!

 

PIP I can?

 

KOPOV Yes, it's a cash-cow - it'll give you money off. Imagine all the freebies you'll get - you'll be minted. Even more so after the tenth!

 

PIP Oh, okay - well, it's a good cause I -

 

KOPOV I'll start right away! (Handing PIP the breasts with foreskins attached to the nipples and takes out a marker pen, drawing all over PIP'S chest. ) Great. It'll be brilliant. I've got some more frozen foreskins if you want extra on the nips? It'll be unique. No-one in the whole wide world has cock nipples. It'll be your hard sell.

 

PIP I'll need a site - how do I sell myself?

 

KOPOV Let me pimp - I mean pump - you for the particulars later! I'll be your agent.

 

PIP I should let Toddy know, I don't know if -

 

KOPOV As long as no-one gets hurt it'll be okay.

 

PIP That's what I keep telling myself. then the neighbour - well, she's down stairs. One of those types who moan at the slightest thing. she's transporting her soul.

 

KOPOV Hopefully not publicly, sir!

 

PIP (baffled.) Was that a joke?

 

KOPOV No, no, it was just a shrewd observation on soul-smuggling.

 

PIP Right. I haven't been on public transport for ages. I'm frightened I'll end up on the moon.

 

KOPOV You really are a wanker, sir.

 

PIP I know - I like wanking. It is safe sex after all. I've got a camera, my connections, lots of tissue, and lots of baby oil. What more do I need?

 

KOPOV Good point. Toddy'll be shafting you like mad - is he doing the follow-up to -

 

PIP Just get on with it, I promised him.

 

KOPOV I'll open your account now sir. (Tries to make a clicking sound like an Internet browser loading sites.) There I've got your personalized secure details now.

 

PIP Oh great - you're fucked too!

 

KOPOV For a good cause though, sir?

 

PIP Oh good! Okay then - why not!

 

The PHANTOMIZED DEATH SQUAD enter and PIP and KOPOV do a strange Yellow Brick Road walk, laughing together as they exit. They leave TARVOA there still frozen in her statuesque trance.

 

TWO

 

NOT LIKE WHAT? BY LALIO BOHOHO

 

Setting: the present day. In a flat in Stanmore. The action spans for only one day, time predictably blurs throughout the day.

 

CAST

 

Snoo [PLAYED BY TARVOA MIMMOZA]: Lives, pretty much, in a dream world full of getting wasted on whatever and prefers constant casual sex; she wants to communicate this experience as pain, when it’s a fun way of living for her. But she's bored of it. She devises something called Staple My Brain. This is nothingness, just a vehicle for expressing her "pain". This, apparently, stems from being a drop-out student, and doing very little; but she gets an allowance to live off.

 

Virgil [KOPOV STRAITMANOV]: a wannabe actor, who hooks up with Snoo mainly for sexual purposes. He does not live with them. He shares Snoo’s perspective, but takes it further; he is an exhibitionist, who likes to get attention by hurting himself. This backfires on him, but he enjoys it. He loves to fail.

 

Rupio [YANKIESPANKIE TODDY]: a puppeteer who has been recently fired. However, he lives with Snoo purely for professional reasons, but agrees with the life style, and gets annoyed that she rejects his puppetry. This could be a catalyst for his irrational actions. But they could just be normal for him.

 

Cranston [PIP DE RIDDOR]: a loner, who has little time for his co-dwellers. He hates Virgil, and is apathetic towards the state of the flat. he wants an interesting life, but something restrains him; he hates his co-dwellers and their false weirdness. He is biding his time. But his co-dwellers unknowingly address his pain.

 

Boris [GOSPEL RICK]: an overtly intellectual friend of Cranston’s, who has visited his flat to watch a film. Boris has never been round Cranston’s flat before, but is amazed by his flat-mates weirdness.

 

Kara [LALIO BOHOHO]: latches onto Boris, and comes along to quell the boredom, which is the real killer. She is a wannabe playwright, who is depressed about everything; but she relates to Snoo. Cranston and Boris probably both want to get it on with her, as she is from a respectable middle-class background(though her mother is a closet working-class snob). But she identifies with Snoo, and falls in love with her. Her world is made then shattered in matter of minutes sending her back to square one. How she’ll express it, we’ll never know, but she is not happy and never will be.

 

Radio Presenter: on the radio; politically correct cheesy specialist

Note: Bunty is unseen, but we do not know if he is real or not. Props can be symbolic, as can be the fire. None of it needs to be real. Please self-medicate.

 

Scene A.
Flat: Lounge: 4:51 am.
It is covered with excrement, and looks as if it is trapped in the process of redecoration.

On the floor there are bowls of dried food, and other litter, including puddles of vomit. Some food is attached to the wall, by the hanging excrement.
Snoo enters, with Virgil. Virgil has a nail in his head.

 

Snoo: (laughing.) I don’t get it! Why do it?

 

Virgil: (fiddling with his nail.) I was bored and wanted attention - at least the girl looked at me, you know that? She gave me a starry-eyed gaze. I wanted her to surprise me, starry-eyed, and flash, but she -

 

Snoo: You’re not allowed in here; Cranston doesn’t like you.

 

Virgil: Well, I’m a cool rebel, aren’t I? I’ll-

 

Snoo: Look, he’s tough; he’s in telesales, or something; but he’ll fuck you up. Again. He put you in hospital last time, didn’t he?

 

Virgil: (looks around; paranoid.) I’m not fussed. Anyway, I like hospitals. I want to be a doctor. And things work if your ill, or fucked. I come here for your classes; say I’m a student, or something. Play along, Cranston pickle will buy it.

 

Snoo: (lovingly.) You’re a piece of shit and you’re annoying. I suppose you want something sexual?

 

Virgil: Can I observe?

 

Snoo: (annoyed.) You know I’m depressed; I can’t masturbate when I’m depressed! You got a fag?

 

Virgil: No. But I’ll have a cuppa. I got the sugar! (Holds a bag of cocaine, taken from his pocket.) You want?

 

Snoo: (lighting a cigarette.) No, I don’t want. Is it a freebie?

 

Virgil: I don’t do free. Shit, it’s seven thirty eight. I’ve got to get to work for nine. Fuck!

 

Snoo: (looks for a clock; checks time.) But it’s…no you’re right, that is the time. I haven’t used a clock in ages, it feels timeless that feeling; but I need sleep. Now. Let me suck you off quickly, before I snooze.

 

Virgil: (fondling himself.) Does Cranston wank?

 

Snoo: (playfully.) You like him now, not me! (Mood swings; angrily.) YOU BITCH, ALWAYS FUCKING WITH ME! I thought you were meant to be my student! I’ll teach you about life, fuck Cranston! (Virgil laughs, getting excited.) No, don’t fuck Cranston.

 

Cranston enters, in tweed dressing gown , with a cigarillo, and looks annoyed. He carries a copy of PC Gamer.

 

Virgil: (worst “Wigga” impression.) Hey rudeo-boy, howyadoin’!

 

Cranston: (to Snoo; irritated.) Get this retard out of the house, before I call the authorities; I don’t know why you keep bringing people in here, especially at such daft times. I told you, Snoo, no people. I don’t want that!

 

Snoo: Sorry Cranston. He’s into plays and stuff. You know what I mean?

 

Cranston: No. And I don’t care. Just keep the noise down. The neighbours are still asleep, and I’m making a model Fokker (Virgil laughs, groping his genitals.) so I’ll need to concentrate. I’ll be in my quarters. (Sternly to Virgil.) You’ll be out of vicinity soon. I’ll give you fifteen minutes.

 

Virgil: (dramatically.) Not five years? We’ve got five years! FIVE YEARS!

 

Cranston: You’re a fool and you deserve to contract a fatal illness. I hope your brain hurts a lot. Soon. Keep quiet and I’ll be back to kick you-

 

Snoo (begging.) No, let him stay; we can all play. (Excited.) We can have a threesome!

 

Cranston: (changing the subject.) Has the puppeteer gone to bed?

 

Snoo: Rupio’s been out getting drunk all week; we had a threesome with him the other night, didn’t we Virgil? (Virgil laughs in Cranston’s face; Cranston takes an air freshener spray out of his pocket, and sprays it around the room; Virgil coughs, then tries to hold his breath.) I think he’s got a gig, doing kiddies puppets for some fair, or whatever. A school fete or something. He’s done well. He’ll make it as a puppet.

 

Cranston: Yes, you’ll make it as great puppets.

 

Virgil: I better be going. I’ve got to get this nail outta my head, man!

 

Cranston: Try a hammer.

 

Virgil: (baffled.) But that’s silly, that’ll -

 

Snoo: Can I let Virgil stay the night? I want him for my project, 'Staple My Brain'. It's a working title. I suppose I could call it Working Title, but I'm sure some clever fucker's thought of that by now. It's so unfair - no fuckin' ideas left. Fuckin' poopsy - my head hurts now. And I'm sick of calling everything I do Untitled. It's s bit, I dunno. But I hate titles, fucking pointless. I'm boring you, aren't I? Am I being wanky? I am an artist.(Cranston tuts, pushing her away, as she tries to lick his face.) Can puppy stay?

 

Cranston: He can stay, but (Referring to Virgil.) that fiend must remain outside the lodgings. Last time he was here, he smeared his shit all on the walls and pissed in my teapot. That’s not right. I know you all went on a night out, but you always do it. I know you’re into the arts, but artists must be calm - you can’t be like that. It’s-

 

Virgil: (bored.) Thanks for the speech, Speechless, but we have to go. So, put your granddad slippers on and I’ll see you tomorrow! (In Cranston’s ear; Cranston flinches.) TOMORROW!

 

Cranston: Snoo - make sure he’s in the coal bunker, or the wheelie bin. And get me some milk. Semi-skimmed.

 

Virgil: Can I have a blanket?

 

Cranston: Use the cat blanket in the shed.

 

Virgil: I thought you had a dog? Get it?

 

Cranston: Well, I have had many dogs, but you’re the last of the bitches. Now, I must retire. I have an early start tomorrow. Unlike you fools, I have responsibility. Keep the noise down and try not to kill each other. Well, just try to keep the noise down. I won’t ask too much! And leave my cigarillo’s alone, Snoo.

 

Snoo: (excited.) I’ve almost finished my play - you wanna watch it?

 

Cranston: Of course, Snoo darling, after you’ve killed yourself first. Then maybe.

 

Snoo: (pleased; jumps for joy.) Oh, at least you’ll come! YOU’LL COME! YOU’LL COME! (Hugs Cranston, who looks shocked; Virgil laughs, clapping.) I knew you were cool really, Cranston. Thanks.

 

Cranston: Fuck off, you’re all crazy!

 

Cranston exits quickly.

 

Virgil: Hahahahaaaaaaaaaaa!Ha! You said come! CUMMUMCUMMUMCUMMUMMYCUM!CUMYUMMY! (Beat.) You get it? Said fucking come! You get me, huh?

 

Snoo: (stares at Virgil.) Let’s go to sleep, Virgil, on Tracy Island! But first let me just rehearse the first act - I think you’ll like this one! I want to know how it sounds and grasp it, a bit.

 

Virgil: (tired.) Do we have to do it now? I’ll get hurt again! And I’m fucked.

 

Snoo: Already? You must be getting slow. Too much booze, and you want to give up fags, and good food, cos it might be bad. If you cook it bad.

 

Virgil: Only had a radish for dinner today.

 

Snoo: That’s not good!

 

Virgil: Yeah, it is! This radish was good!

 

Snoo: Anything that’s good is actually bad. See, you should watch that conspiracy movie with me. It’s really cool, like super-HYPER-FAB-WOW-cool, and really realistic. Not just hyped up, for realism - it isn't real. But I can imagine it for real and that’s how realistic it is. Like reality. But more real. Zoomy. Just to get you thinking that everything’s bad.

 

Virgil: Oh, really! (Beat.) I feel faint. Can I bowl it in your toilet?

 

Snoo: You’ve got a nail in your head. Again. You want a cuppa? (Snatches the bag of cocaine off Virgil.) You don’t mind if I sweeten mine a bit, do you? I nicked some of Cranston’s cigar-things, too!

 

Virgil passes out hitting the floor with a thud; beat. Snoo goes crazy trying to revive him.

 

Snoo: Fucking amateur, comes to rehearsal, takes ages to contact, then meets me at the end of the day! And he’s fucked. Ate something funny, have ya! Well, don’t blame the radish! You’ve had ten pints, and fifty fags on top of that, you lightweight! Let’s go. GO! GO! Come on! In character: hello, I’m not Snoo anymore, but the Baroness of Kubarro! Virgil, it’s the lizard queen! Protocol, scene one, act one, this is it: Staple My Brain has started! (Putting on Virgil’s accent.) Hello Kubarro, how are you on this fine day? Has anyone done anything nasty? (Trying to be Shakespearean.) Oh, my Lord Lancell, I got some skag and them harpies tried to get me, all I wanted was a fix, dear Lord, oh, Lord! (Back into Virgil’s accent.) Oh, Milady!(Back into Kubarro’s accent.) You can fuck me now! Lick my flaps! I LOVE PINK! (Sits on Virgil’s face, rubbing her crotch against his face, kneading his jaw; suddenly she stops, as she hears the stairs creaking from above and people running above. Snoo panics, and drags Virgil’s body over to the living area. She puts Virgil under a rug. Then takes a breather. She gets angry at Virgil.) You’ve really put me in it, haven’t you, Virge?! You dirt-bag, you should’ve been more saner! I can’t believe you just went out! you’re so stupid; if it wasn’t for me, you’d still be in your bedroom! Bunty’s coming today, of all days! He’s knows I’ve had problems with this one, but he’s got a deal sorted for us, after we’ve finished rehab and I’ve said bye-bye to the therapist. Bunty’s a good guy in this shit industry, directing us for nothing, just being there! Look, I know you’re not one for explanations, but (Burst of violent anger, kicking Virgil.) YOU’VE REALLY FUCKED THINGS UP! IT’S NOT MEANT TO BE LIKE THAT! WHY DO YOU GO MAD! WHY? NOT…

 

Snoo drags the coffee table across the room and puts it over Virgil, then sticks the TV on top of it. She puts the TV on; but it is an old TV, and just fuzzes. She watches it, as Cranston enters, with a saucepan.

 

Cranston: You been cooking glue again? Smells like you been doing petrol as well. You know you guys are going to have get yourselves sorted, especially when you finish your theses. I’m not impressed, Snoo. (Pause; lights a cigarillo handing the saucepan to Snoo.) Fuck heads. Oh, the woes. I do hate it, I can’t take living here anymore.

 

Snoo: (eating the glue in the saucepan.) You should move then.

 

Cranston: Look, I’m having a friend round for dinner today. Could you go to your theatre place?

 

Snoo: I would, but we’ve been barred. Have you seen Rupio?

 

Cranston: I think he’s in. His show was rioted. They broke his puppet.

 

Snoo: Kids, today! They just don’t appreciate art! See, Cranston, we’re the last of the Thundercats generation.

 

Cranston: Yeah, I suppose. I preferred She-Ra. Why aren’t you watching TV?

 

Snoo: The static clears my thoughts. And I’m holding a schedule boycott.

 

Cranston: Oh, right. (Beat.) You’ve moved the room around, haven’t you?

 

Snoo: No. No. NO! (Pause, as Cranston surveys the room.) Oh, so do you like it? It’s a feng-hong-kong shoo-phooey design, it’s radical, really wild. It's now. As in now this second, and the second now, and the one after this one, and...well, it's going out of date, but it's seconds, for sure.

 

Cranston: Bloody woman. Can’t you keep things the same way!

 

Snoo: (smiling.) I’m trying to say I’m unhappy, and I love you, you silly little geek!

 

Long pause, as Snoo approaches Cranston, who has frozen. Goes to kiss him, but also goes to pour the glue from the saucepan over him. But Rupio enters, completely drunk. He trips over the rug and falls on the coffee table, smacking his head onto the TV. He slumps over the table, vomiting.

 

Cranston: No, Rupio! You have a cup, puke into that. No excess fluids, please - I have company today! Please, please, please! (Helps Rupio up, but he vomits onto Cranston, and steals his cigarillo. He smokes it, drool slipping out of his mouth. ) You dirty fucker! I CAN’T LIVE WITH THIS FOR MUCH LONGER!

 

Snoo: (helps Rupio to sit, as Cranston tries to remove the sick from his gown, with a napkin.) It’s not that bad, Cranston, it’s only a bit of sick. How did the act go, Rupio, I heard the kids were angry?

 

Rupio: (still vomiting bile.) The kids were fine, it’s their fuckin’ parents, man, they trashed my set. All because I was trying to pioneer my anti-paedophillic propaganda, by showing them puppets doing dirty things. It’s reverse psychology and it always works.

 

Snoo: I don’t think you should’ve done it there. You should’ve made sure the parents weren’t around.

 

Rupio: The kids were loving it, when Granny sucked Croccy’s sausage. I know Grannny’s old, but Croccy was abused. See, I didn’t use a kid puppet - Croccy represented the kid. I showed you earlier, and you were turned on. The kids got it, as usual, and the par-

 

Cranston: (sternly.) I think what you done was stupid; you knew how they’d react. Playing with sex, using it at will. It’s awful. They hate anything that they can’t tell their kids. That’s why I don’t have kids. I'm too honest.

 

Rupio: (drunken chatter; Cranston and Snoo look bored.) Kids are great; I’ve got one back in Lisbon, but the bitch don’t let me near her. Thinks I’m fucked. I don’t think her Dad likes me, either. He’s a builder. It’s because I can’t drive. It’s meant to be manly to drive, but I can’t. So I joined Snoo’s group.

 

Cranston: (to Snoo.) Put this leech to bed - he never stops talking.

 

Rupio: I’m feeling better - shall we get some more drink?

 

Cranston: You’ve had enough! (Beat.) Please, don’t drink anymore! My friends are arriving at twelve.

 

Snoo: And I don’t think it was me cooking the glue. I wouldn’t.

 

Rupio: I think it was Virgil, he’s into that at the moment. He was cooking something earlier.

 

Cranston: (takes out a bent cleaver and throws it down on the sofa; angered.) That guy broke my meat cleaver, cooking fucking glue! (Beat.) Aren’t you going to do anything about this shit, Snoo? (No response.) Huh? I’m going to hack him when I next see him. (Pause; looks at the rug.) You’ve moved the rug. Why did you do that?

 

Snoo: Well, it’s appropriate. My mum done it and so did her mum. So I’m gonna do it. A rug's right. And I come from a middle class family.

 

Rupio: That’s good, you said-

 

Cranston: Don’t you do the cum thing as well. Okay, I’m going to take a bath. My friend is called Boris. He’s an Oxford boy, I think, and I met him at a production of Caligula. So don’t make a bad impression: he’s into the arts like you lot. (Smirks, smugly.) We’re having a debate on the importance of John Grierson upon modern film-making, but I'll slip in some Jennings, too. Don’t annoy us; we’ll be watching Drifters and Fires Were Started. You’ve been warned.

 

Snoo: But I’m putting on 'Staple My Brain'.

 

Cranston: Where?

 

Snoo: Here. In the flat, in this lounge. For Bunty.

 

Cranston: You’re not using my flat as a theatre for your chaos. (Rethinks.) Well, you’re going to have to be quiet. We’re still watching the film - all right? I have to set up my projector soon.

 

Snoo: Whatever.

 

Cranston: (warning.) Do not disturb us. Okay?

 

Rupio: You want to fuck him! (Laughs; Cranston looks flustered.) Go on, pass the time, give him one! We can perform, then you’ll get back and you can watch Dandruff.

 

Snoo: (aggressively.) IT’S ARRANGED! IT’S ALL SORTED! YIPEE!

 

Cranston: Vile bodies, really! No!

 

Cranston exits, in a mood. Snoo and Rupio laugh.

 

Snoo: You’re going to have to sober up; it’s all moving quickly. We’re doing the show today!

 

Rupio: But it’s three in the fuckin’ mornin’?

 

Snoo: You know what you have to do? And it’s not three. It’s earlier. It’s tomorrow.

 

Rupio: (shocked.) What today? Shit, I’ve had no sleep, no fuckin’ sleep, Snoo! (Panics.) I…. I can’t do this, I’m fucked. I think I’m goin’ to have to have some time off. I’ve been meanin’ to tell you, Snoo, but you know how-

 

Snoo lunges at Rupio and smacks his head repetitively against the TV. Rupio screams, then Virgil, who is still under the rug, panics. Virgil screams trying to break free from the rug, shaking the coffee table. Snoo starts to kick Virgil back into unconsciousness. Rupio slides onto the floor, crawling away from Snoo, and reaches for his Croccy puppet. He whacks the puppet against Snoo’s head, and she falls down. Long pause.

 

Rupio: (crying; trying to revive her.) Snoo, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to kill you! Let’s rehearse this - I want to help you, Snoo! Seriously, I’m committed to you. Fuck my kid, fuck my puppet.

 

Snoo: (suddenly jumping up, knees Rupio in the groin.) Good. We need commitment. I’ll get Virgil ready and you can be freed. Do what you want.

Rupio: (crying in pain.) Let’s do it! I said let’s do it, didn’t I?!

 

Scene B.

Flat: Lounge: Day: 11:56am.
Rupio is dressed in a cloak and has multi-coloured hair. He wears a feather boa as well, and perches on the sofa, which is now covered in fresh shit, and vomit. Condoms and tampons are draped off it, and the coffee table has been moved and their is now a pram. It has Virgil in it. He is wrapped up in a rug and the TV is on his head. Rupio reveals his hands. On them, he wears a Croccy puppet and a Granny puppet. He cranes over the pram, and Croccy gets raped by the Granny, then Croccy rapes the Granny.

 

Rupio: See, that’s what happens in the future. The Granny fucked Croccy and Croccy grows up, completely fucked up of course; and thinks he can fuck anybody. So Granny - it could be any old person really - gets raped. All for a fiver. It’s a cycle of abuse I was tryin’ to tell the kids about. What’s the fuckin’ point, eh? You understand, Virge, but you’re an artist.

 

Virgil stirs, makes a groaning noise. He sticks his head out of the TV to reveal that the nail in his head has gone further into his head. The blood has dried around it and the drips that have stained his face have also dried. His mouth covered with masking tape, cemented with dried blood, and he looks scared. He rocks in the pram, trying to free himself.

 

Rupio: Don’t get angry about it, Virgil, I know it gets art, but the public just don’t understand. They want pointless fun, don’t they?

Snoo enters, dressed in a black dress with a florescent pink leotard over it. She wears a flat cap, as well. She smokes a cigarillo and drinks some Stella Artois.

 

Snoo: Time for some pointless fun! Oh, what larks we’ll have! (To Virgil , as if he were baby.) Is Virgil excited? Is he? Is he? Oh, ain’t that sweet!

 

Rupio: I still feel sick. I think I’m going to puke.

 

Snoo: If you’re gonna puke, do it during the show. Staple My Brain will commence soon. The indescribable show, the high art with no meaning; but the ultimate emotive affect!

 

Rupio That’s a good way to describe it to Bunty, when he get’s here.

 

Snoo: (pause.) Bad news guys: Bunty can’t make it.

 

Snoo swigs the Stella and finishes her cigarillo, quiclly opens a bottle of vodka as Rupio goes mad, ripping Croccy and Granny puppets off his hands to beat them up. In this time, Snoo gulps the vodka, drinks some resin, takes a handful of pills, then lights a hastily rolled joint, whilst cutting a huge line of coke.

 

Rupio: (distressed; head-locking Croccy, while stamping on Granny.) WHY?! WHY?! WHY?!

 

Snoo:(snorting part of the huge line.) Well, I said that we’re ready. He put me off. Simple. It happens

 

Rupio: (suspiciously.) You sure Bunty’s real?

 

Snoo: I’m sure! I’m not being weird to anyone. Not anymore. I’m not like that, am I? (Beat.) He works in theatre. He’s a cleaner, and he said he knows people. People in the theatre.

 

Rupio: What’s going on now then? It took me hours to get into this. Now I look a prat.

 

Snoo: We’ll use this time as a dress rehearsal. Than we can take Virgil to hospital.

 

Rupio: Fuck it, let’s get trashed. It’s lunch time and I’ve had a long day. I don’t think I’ll get paid for that show. I’m fucking pissed off.

 

Snoo: No, we have to do this! (Having a tantrum.) IT’S IMPORTANT TO ME!

 

Rupio: Shall we do a show for Cranston then? We can throw in some more sex - that’ll keep them interested!

 

Snoo: I’ll blow you, then you can bum-fuck me. I'll fist you then you can fist me, but use the marmalade lube. Then, I’ll use Virgil as a dead person and fuck him. Actually, Rupio, are sex toys still shocking? I could use a Lambrini bottle as a sex toy? (Virgil has stopped struggling; he has died or passed out.) You can film it too. Don’t worry, you can fuck Virgil as well, if you play the soldier.

 

Rupio: Can I get the puppets in on this?

 

Snoo: No, stick to the script! This has to be serious. (Rupio looks confused.) I’m not having fucking puppets in my show. They're not cool, and they don’t say anything about the bigger picture.

 

Rupio: Right...What’s the bigger picture?

 

Snoo: I don’t know yet, I haven’t finished constructing it - let’s just make it up. If you film it well we can watch it in HD. That’s quite a good picture. We’ll have to go round Virgil’s mum’s though to watch it.

 

Rupio: Where’s the camera?

 

Snoo: I don’t know - use Cranston’s. He won’t care.

 

Rupio: I think he will.

 

Cranston enters, wearing a red velvet suit and a kipper tie. He carries an antiquated projector. Boris follows him accompanied by a women called Kara. She looks depressed and has cropped hair and is dressed in black. Boris carries a tray with tea cups and a plate of biscuits on it.

 

Cranston: Okay, people, your time is up: we’re watching a Grierson film.

 

Boris: (putting the tray in the pram.) Don’t be rash, Cranny, what are they doing?

 

Snoo: We’re rehearsing my play - Staple My Brain.

 

Boris: (excited; sips his tea.) What a queer title! Hello, I’m Boris. This is Kara. (Kara snorts.) Are these the people you live with Cranny?

 

Cranston: Unfortunately. These retarded rejects are the ones who call themselves artists.

 

Boris: Done anything well-known?

 

Snoo: I was a cleaner at the National and I got picked to play Kaa in The Jungle Book. At school.

 

Boris: Oh, I see. This was at the National?

 

Snoo: No, it was regional. I was still at school, right? Think it's all filmed. And my teacher thought I’d, like, be good. I mixd cough syrup and acid before the first show. Made me feel snakey. But I went a bit hyper with the poison; I like poisons.

 

Boris: 'Kay. (Laughing it off.) That’s acceptable when you’re a kid, I suppose.

 

Snoo: Luckily I only got manslaughter, then rehab; but that was being lucky. And the judge liked me - I sucked him off in the car park and filmed it.

 

Boris: How shocking! You’ve led rough lives, it's fascinating...You're on TV? Some pointless reality show?

 

Snoo: Nope - I wish. I didn’t kill anyone. On purpose. And it would have helped if I was a Yardie or something. But I got onto smack while I was in prison. That was cool. Have you been inside?

 

Cranston: (offended.) Snoo: none of my friends have been to a prison, okay. Can clear your crap and let us-

 

Boris: Well, I went to prison once. (Laughing.) Not that I was an offender. My Dad thought it’ll be fashionable to see prisoners, so I can understand what life is like. Oh, sorry people, I forgot to introduce you to Kara, didn't I? (They all shrug not caring about Kara; Kara snorts.) She’s doing a Masters in stagecraft.

 

Snoo: What’s the point - just do it, girl?

 

Kara mumbles something, then slurps her tea and takes a whole bottle of pills.

 

Snoo: What the fuck? You ODeeing? Don't be selfish, you're nearly a doc - go on share those beanies!

 

Boris: She’s feeling depressed. Shame really. She’s very good, a real poet. She also likes Deejaying. Is that what you urban-folk call it?

 

Snoo: One of my troupe is a poet.

 

Boris: Oh, good! What do they play?

 

Snoo: A dead person.

 

Boris: Interesting.(Turning to an embarrassed Cranston.) Cranny, you never told me you live with such fascinating people. (Excited.) They’re cultural revelations!

 

Cranston: No, they’re not. They're dull deprived cunts. Shall we leave, we can watch-

 

Boris: Don’t be a poopsie, Cranny, we can watch them rehearse!

 

Snoo: (excited; begs to Cranston.) Oh, please do! PLEASE! I think you’ll find it interesting.

 

Boris: I hope so. (Laughs; Cranston struggles a smile.) You better watch Kara though - she might rip off your ideas!

 

Cranston: I doubt she will. You like Chekov don’t you, Kara?

 

Kara just mumbles and messily scoffs a biscuit, and smiles suddenly; but it's a scary smile, full of biscuit. Cranston wipes the sweat off his brow with a handkerchief. Boris sits on the sofa, and realises it’s covered in excrement. He smiles with wonder, sniffing his soiled hands. Cranston tries to set up the projector, but leaves it in the pram with the tray.

 

Boris: Wow, it smells very realistic. What’s the piece called?

 

Snoo: Staple My Brain. Take notes.

 

Boris: What a jolly good title! That’s blasting that is! I crave that sort of realism - I find it cleansing. I might have to bash one out later. I really do feel cleansed though, something I've craved for a long time. You’ve really worked on the awfully immersive set. You’re transporting us to another ghetto world, but it’s in this world!

 

Snoo: Yeah, it’s a classic post-modern style. We’ll go from the top.

 

Cranston: No, go from the end! We have a schedule and-

 

Boris: Don’t be a Hitler, Cranny! They’re giving us a private show! Kara doesn’t mind, do you?

 

Kara: (drooling.) Water.

 

Snoo: Fuck that! Rupio, get the vodka!

 

Boris: Ooh, it’s a week day as well! It’s only half one! I don’t think I’ll do anything if I start drinking.

 

Rupio: (producing two bottles of vodka from under the sofa; he swigs some then hands it to Snoo. He opens the other and swigs some of the other bottle.) / Here, I’ll top you up-

 

Cranston: (annoyed.) That’s my vodka for special occasions! Snoo, you can’t touch my vodka! SNOO! THIS IS NOT RIGHT, YOU CAN’T DO THINGS LIKE THAT!

 

Boris: (tugging on Cranston’s cuff.) Calm down, dear boy, let’s enjoy. Pour yourself some. This must be a little bit special, Cranny?

 

Cranston: I’ve still got tea left.(Rupio pours vodka into Cranston’s cup anyway.) You vermin; I’m going to report you for this invasion of-

 

Boris: Stop whining, Cranny! It’s only a play, what harm can it do? And they said my poem was too gay. Shame on them! (Rupio pours vodka into Boris’s cup; Rupio hands Kara the bottle. Kara gulps some down.) Thank you - sorry, I didn’t catch your name?

 

Rupio: Rupio.

 

Boris: Are you an actor?

 

Rupio: No, but I like puppets.

 

Snoo: (throws a can of Stella at him; it splashes everywhere. Cranston rushes to mop it up.) Get fuckin’ ready, Ruppy!

 

Boris: (laughing; nudging Kara.) Hey, get that, Kara, the vindictive director - I like that stereotype. She throws the lager! How crazy; really wacky! That’s how you should be!

 

Kara doesn’t respond, she just gulps some more vodka. Rupio hides behind the sofa. Snoo exits, swigging the other bottle of vodka. Boris is sitting on the sofa still.

 

Snoo: (off; aggressively.) Oi, Bozza, move it, you twat! You’re on the fuckin’ set!

 

Boris: Ooh, I’m so sorry. You hear that, Kara, she called me Bozza. Bozza! That’s a new one isn’t it? Very urban, too, I must be with it!

 

Boris moves, Kara steps into the corner and slumps over. Boris kneels on the floor, unaware he is covered in excrement. He has a condom stuck to him. He takes out a pad, and pencil and waits for the start. Cranston is still mopping up the spilt Stella Artois. He stops and sits near Boris.
There is a long pause, as we feel the scene is being set. Rupio takes a desk lamp from behind the sofa and positions it, as if a spotlight. Rupio then hides behind the sofa again.
Snoo enters, staggering. A syringe is lodged up her nose.

 

Snoo: I AM THE REPITILIAN FAIRY PRINCESS!

 

She moves towards the pram and strokes Virgil’s TV head.

 

Snoo: (over-the-top despair.) Why my baby has died! This war has wrecked my land! I need something. Not this TV world, but a real world. Of happiness. Of life. But I’m all alone. ALONE! ALONE!

 

Boris: (making notes; Cranston huffs.) Interesting concept.

 

Snoo: (Over--The-Top despair.) I’m alone. I thought too much - now I’m going to die.DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! My brain hurts. Loads! It’s unreal. The Lizard Fairy Princess of Kubarro needs to be loved - or fucked. Fuck me or love me. I need a soldier!

 

Rupio: (appearing from behind the sofa dressed as a butler, in a cloak, but wears a crude papier-mâché soldier’s helmet.) You called your majesty?

 

Snoo: I’m alone.

 

Rupio: So am I. Fuckeefuckee? Suckeesuckeefuckee?

 

Snoo: Fuck me or love me. Love me or fuck me. Or both.

 

Rupio: Or more?

 

Snoo: More? HOW?! STEADY ON SOL'JUR! (Trying to whisper.) That’s not in the scr-

 

Rupio starts to force himself onto Snoo; Snoo screams, struggling.

 

Snoo: (really shocked.) What the fuck do you think you’re doing?-You mad fucker! YOU’RE FUCKED!

 

Rupio: What? What? I’m not doing anything wrong? We should eat the baby!

 

Snoo: But… but the …

 

Rupio: The King is dead and the Queen will cop it shortly. (Goes to strangle her, while trying to kiss her. Snoo knees him in the groin.) That’s not right - I don’t remember re-

 

Snoo smashes the bottle of vodka on Rupio’s head glass flies everywhere. Kara screams. Cranston tries to clean up the glass, and Boris applauds. Rupio slumps to the floor, unconscious.

 

Snoo: (kicking Rupio aggressively.) I may be alone in my world, but it’s my world and I want to be left alone! I wanted you to know it. YOU FUCKER! I KNEW YOU WERE A FIGHTER! BUT I LOVED YOU! LOVED YOU ALIVE AND DEAD! But it wasn’t right; I don’t know what is.

 

Cranston: (to Boris.) This is such a clichéd piece of-

 

Boris: (engrossed.) Shh Cranny! I almost came in my briefs!

Snoo: Alas, I die in Kubarro, alone and-

 

Kara screams loudly again; Cranston goes to comfort her, but Snoo curls up into a ball, then, after a pause, loses it, trashing the place. She pushes the pram over, and smashes the projector on Rupio’s head.

 

Cranston: No! That’s my projector! And you’ve broke the teapot! NO! (Scrambles on the floor to pick it up, searching for the lost parts. He looks at the rug, noticing the blood.) Is there a body in this rug, Snoo?  SNOO! We should call-

 

Boris: IT’S THE POET! THE FUCKING POET, CRANSTON! (Kicks Cranston violently, Cranston falls on top of Rupio.) Get the fuck off stage, you poopsie!

 

Snoo: (rolling around on the floor, then crawls up onto the sofa.) Oh, I see Kubarro, my land destroyed! DESTROYED! I’ve destroyed my own land! MY OWN PLANET! GONE! GONE! I must cleanse my souls: I’ll be fucked and loved! FUCKED AND LOVED!

 

Snoo swallows the bag of cocaine she took off Virgil. She then grabs the vodka and guzzlesit down. A winded Cranston writhes on top of Rupio, and thinks he is trying to fuck him. Rupio is out cold, it is all in Cranston’s mind.

 

Boris: This is amazing! Very cutting edge, it so much more poetic. I like the syringe up the nose, instead of just left in the arm. In my opinion that’s dated. But yours…well, that takes imagination! But it’s fucked.

 

Snoo: I need to piss!  (Rubs her cheeks rapidly, she pulls funny faces. ) I’m a gummy bear, aren’t I? I’m sorry, Boris, I fucked it cos I need a piss.

 

Cranston: (crying.) DON’T YOU DARE PISS IN THE TEAPOT! DON’T! DON’T! DON’T! You owe me, Snoo! I WANT A TEAPOT AND I WANT MY FRIENDS BACK! I don’t believe this: I knew this would happen, they like you , and hate me. And I’m not fucked. Is that the way to survive in this society, by being fucked? Tell me, you puppet! (Smacks Rupio weakly.) Why did you try to fuck me! Don’t pretend you didn’t! You saw, didn’t you, Kara! (Kara is locked in a stunned silence.) I know you’re not fucked.

 

Snoo: I forgot to eat the baby! SHIT! I FORGOT TO EAT MY FUCKIN’ BABY! I HATE FUCKIN’ KIDS!! I fucked up the piece!

 

Snoo starts chewing at the rug viciously; Rupio is being beaten to a bloody pulp by Cranston who knocks the lamp over. Darkness. As we hear Boris applauding from the dark. Kara then screams, as the light is turned on. Boris throws down his notepad.

 

Boris: (to Snoo, who is still rug chewing; hugging her) That was…oh, I’ve come. Right in my pants. Amazing, Snoo. I can’t describe it…And you’re still struggling? You deserve a piss up after that. Cranston, do calm down. I do apologise for him and Kara. She’s scared.

 

Kara: (finishes the vodka.) No, I’m not: I thought that was mind-blowing. It was my life, I could relate anything to it, and it said everything without saying anything. What was it called again?

 

Snoo: You know, I can’t remember, it was…

 

Boris: A very different experience. It’ll get people thinking again, it pushed boundaries and I found it very relevant to today’s society: completely …what’s the word?

 

Snoo: Fucked? I feel fucked.

 

Kara: (enthusiastically; hugs Snoo, who looks baffled.) It done something, it just helped me! Made me want to kill myself, but it freed me as well.

 

Boris: That’s soooo interesting, it's a very modern illness. I think you should have suicide in it, Snoo.

 

Pause.

 

Snoo: (baffled.) But-

 

Boris: No, I think you should. Take my advice. It’s free and I like you. I’m very impressed!

 

Snoo: (excited; wipes away tears.) You like it? YOU LIKE IT! (Crying uncontrollably.) I’m so pleased you liked it, even though I forgot to eat the baby!

 

Cranston: (shocked; wiping blood off his fists.) Boris, it’s fucking crap. FUCKING CRAP! Why did you kick me! Why? (Referring to Rupio.) He tried to fuck me; I’m calling the Police!

 

Boris: I’m sorry, I get passionate about my art! Let’s not get the police involved in the professional world!

 

Cranston: (snidely to Snoo.) They're not professionals!

 

Boris: Who cares? You’re not either but you pretend to be one, don’t you? It’s only a word.

 

Cranston: No, don’t attack me, I’m not fucked!

 

Boris: You’ve got an attention problem: you want my approval and attention all the time! Well, I don’t want yours. You tried to ruin a brilliant performance - all for your petty opinions! Another thing: I’m with Kara. I’m not going to get with you!

 

Kara: (Beat.) I’m not with you, Boris. I like many sexes, especially those from Saturn.

 

Boris: I know, but we could be one, sometime, of course. I don’t want to be with him though! He’s fucked!

Cranston cries, hugging Snoo, as she cries. She sits on Virgil, still in the rug. They lift Virgil and the pram back up. They clear up, crying together and throwing much of the junk into the pram.

 

Kara: (gushing.) Snoo’s a true artist, I love her. (Hugs Snoo, kissing her.) I love you, Snoo! Please love me, PLEASE! (Snoo does not respond.) It's fine if you don't, though my life is a bliss of living deaths. I will live for you!

 

Boris: (perving, openly stroking his penis.) Can I join in? (Chuckling to himself.) It’s like being a hippy this, eh?

 

Snoo: (to Cranston; suddenly blubbering to him.) They like us, they like us! This is the happiest day of my life! (To Rupio; patting him on the head.) They like us, Rupio! We've done it!

 

Boris: (reading from a torn page from his note pad.) I loved the immersion, it was real. And, I felt, it could have been more realistic, if we’d actually seen the suicide. I like the world - Kubarro. Interesting, but it’s the Lizard Queen’s death. It’s a vague link to Jim Morrison and John Lee Hooker, isn’t it? Do you like to ride the snake? To be honest, I don’t get the relevance of a pointless pop cultural nod, when the feeling is there. It's there. You know? Can you see and feel it? Don’t blur it and confuse it when it says so much! Just let it linger! You-

 

Snoo: (confused; wipes her tears, pushing Kara off her. Approaches Boris, aggravated.) But I just fucking OD’d!

 

Boris: And with better equipment you can have decent effects and a better use of music. Maybe some bangers too. It’ll aid the overdose, as you call it; it's a very cool product, Snoo. Very meow, very now. Of course, Snoo, I mean it's only very now in a slightly oldey retro new way. (Pause; checks his notes again and rubs his penis against Snoo.) You need music, something hardcore, and shocking to go with the theme. The theme is destruction, isn’t it? Yes?

 

Snoo: No…Yes.... No, it’s... Whatever! Boredom is the theme. Anyway, music dates. These themes don’t; they’re universally speaking. I’m not changing!

 

Boris: (throughout this speech, Snoo gets very angry and jumps on the spot.) That’s what I thought you’d say, but it needs that killer punch and that release! It’s too bleak, dear girl. It’s real, but it isn’t popular reality: set up the debate, and then you can do your fuck up thing! I know bleak is cool, and you should give no answers to the questions you pose. I think that’s good, really trendy. Are you into gangbong rap - gang-star spelt ending in S.T.A? Or drum-umm-base. Or Drum N. Basil? I think it’s a form of garage music - I reckon Hendrix said who knows! Do you? Well, there you go - no one knows! And I noted the tortured stereotypes; very strong. You know I envisaged you might need the characters in jam-jars to demonstrate it more effectively. You should accept criticism, Snoo. That’s life. But the plus side is: I liked that sample. And I loved the dead body! Brilliant!

 

Snoo: (losing interest.) Do you? I’m lost? You taking the piss?

 

Boris: (smugly.) I don’t want to get too intellectual. (Takes a pathfinder radio from his pocket and tunes it; it makes a sound as he tunes it.) Let’s decide a soundtrack - is that okay with you, Cranston.

 

Cranston: (mumbling.) Do what you want. (Crawls into the corner, with a bit of the broken bottle; sulks.) DO WHAT YOU FUCKING WANT!

 

Boris: Ooh, someone’s got P.M.T.

 

Snoo: (unsure laugh; Boris laughs louder) That’s very good. I didn’t even know he was gay.

 

Boris: He’s not; just a boring farty-pants. Oh, by the way, I forgot to mention, I liked the Penis Queen imagery - that’s how you saw yourself in your mind, right? (Snoo looks baffled and lights a cigarillo.) That’s fascinating. Especially the commentary on drugs and kiddie-shit. The puppets conveyed that strongly. That’s very cool. It is trendy - this sort of thing, that is cool - at the moment. It won’t be popular though. I’m trying to get this radio station, which is apparently a pirate one; I don’t think I can get Cuss FM in here. I believed it, but I didn’t. There was that part of me that was very, very, worried. You needed to express that to believe the death - I believed the pain. It was relevant, but not the death. I’ve issues with the way the death was executed.

 

Snoo: (angrily.) Look, I can do dying, okay? I’m good dead! I can do dead. I think. (Tense pause.) THIS IS BULLSHIT, YOU’RE CHATTING BULLSHIT! YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT IT MEANS! YOU KNOW FUCK ALL ABOUT ME, OR WHAT I DO! I’LL GIVE YOU DEATH; THIS IS ME! (Composes herself.) Stop fiddling with that fucking old radio and watch, okay.

 

Boris: Sure. You watching, Kara? Snoo’s such a determined artist, revelling in her pain!

 

Kara: Oh, yes, I’ve learnt so much, Boris. You do know some interesting people! (Overjoyed; to Snoo.) I don’t need medication, when I see things like this. I love this pain! We should all go for a drink soon?

 

Snoo: WATCH!

 

Snoo takes off Rupio’s feather boa, jumps onto the sofa, balancing awkwardly, and attaches the boa to the light. Snoo ties a noose around her neck.

 

Kara: (happily.) I’m happy, for once , I’ve found something to relate to and believe in. That aggression is…I can’t explain, but-

 

Boris: I know, I feel it.

 

Cranston: (he has cut his wrists with the broken bottle; they are dripping with blood. He screams, then stands and composes himself.) Thank you for coming, Boris. I’m sorry this evening has been a bit strange and I don’t normally do things thing like this. Thanks for the company, Kara. Nice to meet you. I’ll be in my room.

 

Cranston collapses, nobody cares.

 

Boris: Bye. (To Kara.) He’s such an attention seeker, who just latches on to artistic people. I don’t like him, I thought he was cultured, but he’s too into himself. No-one should be made to care about that sort of self-indulgence.

Kara: (smiling.) He’s probably going to kill himself. All over an old film - and this play!

 

They laugh.

 

Snoo: You two watching! WATCH FUCKERS! I’ll understand what you mean, I’ll be back and I’ll make you a cuppa, or you’ll have to meet us down the pub, or wherever, later on.

 

Snoo, aggressively throwing down the cigarillo, which starts a fire in the pram. It looks like a funeral pyre for Virgil, and this spreads ridiculously quickly across the room. Snoo jumps off the sofa and hangs herself. Kara and Boris applaud. Snoo hangs motionless, dead even though her feet touch the ground; she wants to be dead. There is a pause, as we hear the fire burn. Kara and Boris look baffled. Kara and Boris cough and splutter, clutching each other in fear. They back away towards the doorway, as the fire engulfs more of the room. We then hear Boris trying to tune the radio again.

 

Kara:(distressed; depressed again.) She killed herself...Why did she do that? I don’t get it.(Angered; to Boris.) I DON’T GET IT! WHY THE FUCK DID SHE DO THAT?

 

Boris: Blasted personal trauma the professional world will never understand! I’m rationalizing the irrational, but she wasn’t a happy bunny. She had a lot to prove, but did not know how to go about it. it is a great shame, really; I would’ve liked to seen her eat the baby.

Kara cries uncontrollably, as Boris hugs her, both still coughing, smoke engulfs them.

 

Kara: (looks for her pills, but cannot find them; panics.) It can’t end like this, it’s fading - burning away into nothing! Not like that, Boris! (Collapses crying, having a pseudo-seizure.) NOT LIKE THAT!

 

Boris: I’ll find some music, as a memorial. We'll do a e-one too - online that is, Kara! We should evacuate, though - I need music first though.

 

We hear sirens wailing in the distance; Boris tunes a radio, gagging. We hear:

 

Radio Presenter: Yes folks, and that was the fabulous Kane Gang with their nineteen-eighty-five smash hit, Gun Law. Now for something completely different...

 

As the fire burns the lounge, and the lights dim, but we hear the tide, Boris hugs Kara, still having violent spasms.

 

THREE

 

Penthouse panic room. LALIO is nursing TARVOA. LALIO is sitting down on the floor; TARVOA is now laying down too - her head is resting on LALIO'S gooey lap, as LALIO films herself fondling TARVOA with her camera phone.

 

LALIO(making a call to PIP as well as filming TARVOA; on speakerphone.) You had one bad trip baby, you're still in that space - that scary headpsace and all that shit!

 

PIP(off, can be heard through the speakerphone.) I don't know - what happened just then? I'm seeing things. I can't tell what's real and what isn't any- more. Maybe I've spent too long here. I don't know why I'm telling you, I just feel--

 

LALIO Why is she calling herself Kara?

 

 

PIP I don't know, maybe it's her folks. Let's hope she's not bent and religious. She might have a vagina bomb?

 

LALIO Nope, searched their pal - you're just being paranoid now. By the way, what happened to this place when we passed out?

 

PIP I'm not sure - I don't want to see the bill. Who did you invite round? it was meant to be a deep meaningful experience. Politically charged with religious flakes. Like a new cereal. And definitely prevents masturbation. But it all went pear shaped. I hate living here, but I feel trapped.

 

LALIO Not you too. Boring. Listen, Pip, we should get out of the cityworld and go to the coast for a bit. Live in a sandcastle or a bed and breakfast. If they'll let us all in! Oh well! La-di-da! Live and learn, right? By the way, you should never have acid for breakfast anyway - not unless you dropped it the night before. Then it's fine, isn't it?

 

PIP I haven't a clue what you're talking about. I don't know where Rick's gone to. I think he's overdosed again. I don't know if he can hear me in the afterlife.

 

LALIO Oh Pip, you joker! You're not dead just yet! Oh yeah babe, you'll never guess what's happening downstairs? Toddy's having a psychotic episode!

 

PIP Toddy's flipped? the privileged middle-class wonder kid with the world at his feet and a millionaire by the time he's twenty-five? That Toddy? Yankie spankie Toddy?

 

LALIO It's sooo weird. Probably all that surgery and all those meds. You know, Pip, I'm frightened. I was going to clamp hsi face to my pussy and suffocate him, but that might be a bit extreme. I don't know, it's an extreme world. Shall I call the police?

 

PIP No, no - call Kopov, I'm sure we'll get it straightened out. I'll phone Toddy's dad again as well. He always helps him. That kid was born lucky.

 

LALIO Well, don't get all thinkey on me. I know how jealous you poor kids can get! Shit boree-snoree! But I'm in two minds about calling for help and I'm allergic to pigs! Boo-ya Pippy! Anyway, Toddy seems to think he's fine - but he wants collogen in his brain to give him trout brain!

 

PIP You must stop him doing that!He'll find someone to do it you, he always gets his way!

 

LALIO It does sound funny though, but I did say. That's all I'm doing - I can't stop him. You know what he's doing now?

 

PIP He better not be making another viral vid? He'll get banned again!

 

LALIO Something like that.Pip? Pip? You haven't fainted again?

 

PIP(gasping for breath.) No, it's fine - I think I'm tripping on sunshine.

 

LALIO(giggles.) Did you know Toddy is casting a Nazi war criminal, the Israeli Prime Minister's son and a rent boy who used to be in the Taliban in some mad expo-vid. I think it's a skin flick thing, not quite up there with The Lil' Spermaid, but it's all very progressive. And you know what? Kopov use to be a jailer at Gitmo and the rent boy used to be there too! Banging! Yeah, you couldn't make it up - small world, right? I mean it's just so wow that. Like, it leaves me speechless. What can I say? I mean, seriously, it sounds like something from out of a film or whatever. I know it's all very intellectual - Ivy leaguers must dig that shit.

 

PIP I think I need to hang up now.

 

LALIO That's a shame. You can talk. I'll send you a picture of a midget fucking a dog, then a dog fucking a midget. It's so funny. Have you seen the pic where I stick a Granny Smith up my arse?

 

PIP I can't I think I'm -

 

We hear a thud off, through the speakerphone as PIP has passed out.

 

LALIO Hello? Shit - what a lightweight! He's passed out on me again! I wish I hadn't broken my other phone for video calls. What a shit! PIP! HELLO PIP! PIP! HELP ME PIP!

 

LALIO gets quieter, the battery eventually goes on her phone; the power mysteriously drains from the panic room, as darkness consumes her and TARVOA. A weird emergency light comes on. EVERYONE enters, coming back round, looking dazed but loved up and they all do the hokey-kokey, as if it is some religious ritual; the puke-cut soundtrack plays. EVERYONE gets taken away by the PHANTOMIZED DEATH SQUAD INC. which means 
death by trippy lightshow.

 

Impressum

Texte: Herb Skew
Cover: Herb Skew
Tag der Veröffentlichung: 26.09.2015

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Widmung:
To the elegantly wasted Camden Posse.