My Beast

My beast had its head on my shoulder, relentlessly gnawing through my neck – through my very soul. This fear in dying so different, so immense I could never scream, only whimper for the expectation of unlocking his deepest hunger. That would, in fact, cause him to devour me completely; ending this game I’ve let him win for so many years.
Even now, the pain, the panic lingers… Loud and/or sudden noises bring me to me knees. I fear his unavoidable growl is hidden… within. I feel trapped. Mt feelings have no end. The uncertainty, bitterness, fear, and sadness only give my beast strength… What will I do the day I am too weak to pray and finishes me – finishes his game? Already, I can feel his sharp talons in my back.
5/23/96

Outsider

I have lived this life as an outsider
Devoid of companionship and love
I have lived this life as the center
Of compassion, loyalty and trust

I have walked barefoot among the glass
Bleeding my soul into the earth
I have been carried when I am most weak
And shown my own beauty and worth

Long and fearful nights spent crying
Darkness consuming my days
Bathed in awesome brightness
My tears gently wiped away
2/12/05

Awakening

Waking in the darkness I realize I am alone
I perceive my soul to be alone
It is dark because I cannot open my eyes
I cannot see, I cannot scream, I cannot feel
A powerful fear has gripped my spirit
Disabling my strength, my will to fight
At that moment I know that I am dead
Decomposing within myself
Falling away from bone and tissue
Losing my way to be gone forever
This hatred that is consuming me
This rage that overflows me
These tears that scorch my flesh
I am dying because I choose to be
A liar has infiltrated my security
Has helped me in shutting down
Just one more step, one more breath
A single silent promise of no more
And then I am touched
A blazing heat that does not burn
Beating hearts in concerted rhythm
Another lonely soul among this waste?
No, but one who offers true redemption
I must be empty to be filled again
This time with light, gentle but blinding
Now, I must rest and consider this place
Where I have found myself awakening
Now my limbs obey my wishes
Pretending they never betrayed me
Sometimes, I know we must forget
To move on to where we belong
2/22/05

Lost

I awoke this morning feeling more lost than found
I dreamed I’d gone away, chasing some love
Only, later, to discover I’d been betrayed
No longer had he any use for my soul
Tossed aside, alone and regretful
Now old and without purpose in this life
Left with only the choice of returning home
To face those which I had abandoned
And finding my company is not desired
I thought to myself, what else is there left?
And, befriending a stranger with similar angst
We plotted to dive, embracing Earth’s soil
The ride to the top was too much to bear
Lacking the courage, we fled from our fears
Next, the path was strange and unknowable
Lost again and again, we finally turned back
To search for when our lives had made sense

The dream ceased but these feelings could not be scared away, even by the light now streaming through my window.
4/01/05

The Hill

No one could have made it out safely from the ensuing catastrophe.
Many lives, most names now forgotten, were lost in that moment
In fact, all present failed in the torrent of pain now washed away
Not of a flood, except one which carries the waves of time
I witnessed the agony, mystified and horrified
My life was there, playing in color before my eyes
Distinct and vivid, crystal clear it screamed
I want not to see, I want not to hear, I want not to live
In these memories which beseech my senses
I stand shrouded in scars that mark my past
My journey has left me marred and unclean
A future is my only hope of redemption
I cannot change what others have done to me
I cannot change what I accepted as truth
I cannot mend the holes in the hearts of others
I sit back and will for a better tomorrow
I breathe in the fresh and the clean and the pure
Exhaling the pain and the dread and the dead
Back to life, I find myself emerging
From the depths of hatred and unknowing
To witness true love, to feel at once alive
Do you know what it is to be born this late in life?
To never have lived before that moment
To have traveled without comfort of a soul
Suddenly, in a rush, receiving all that was missing
This is how I stand here before you
This is how I breathe today
Do not follow the path worn to roots
But the hill which the weak may not traverse
4/19/05

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Can the measure of one’s life be determined by the numbers of tears which fall at his passing?
Can there ever be an accurate way of knowing how well I have lived except in the wake of my death?
Who am I to judge the worth my own existence; imagine assuming to judge the worth of others.
4/19/05
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Ebb & Flow

Onward, outward, embracing the blue horizon
Breathless, entranced with wonder and awe
The song of the wind, melodious and sweet
The kiss of the spray, the touch of the sun
Falling now into the cool reprieve,
Which washes away all worry and grief
Lovingly, the sky smiles down upon you
Gently the waves rock away the cares
So many new islands to discover
So many new inlets to explore
Most cherished are the ones within your soul
A gift from an endless deluge of light
Reflections of self and beauty abound
From within and without, all is God’s work
Filled with the absence of trials and pain
Empty, the vessel awaits renewal
And so it shall come on the crests of the ocean
As it has come, an ebb and a flow
From the heart of God, to the heart of man
4/3/05

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A day in this life
One moment to gasp
Define my choice for now
Do I love and rejoice?
Do I hate and suffer?
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Burn the memories, send them into the wind, gone away to haunt me no more…
Lost photographs or ones once thought to be lost now here again
In my face they tease me with their veneer of happiness
But what is that behind the smiles, behind the eyes?
Like a dirty surface which has been painted over
A fix to fool only those who care not anyway
Through the pain, the anger, the filth, I love you anyway
I will lift you up and dust you off
I will even use spit to get the really tough smudges
5/23/05

Footprints

Alone with myself, I was startled to see other footprints in the dust
Incredible how it builds on our memories after so many years
Suffer the loss of perception, the loss of perspective
Take orders from phantoms loyal to unknown powers
I chewed silently on my lip, afraid to speak or even to breathe
Nature has her way as crystals form and fall before my lips
The dance has finally begun and my calm is more than disturbing
One should scream or tremble when facing his death
But, I feel no fear nor need for theatrics
Who is there to hear my cries even should I fall weak?
No one but the footprints, themselves no more than imitations

I love you

I love you like the sun loves the morning
The way the wind loves the trees
In the shadows of the moonlight
On the stillness of calm waters
Through years of longing and need
All seasons gone and those to come
Every mystery and answered prayer
To fall forever for one embrace
8/16/05

Impressum

Tag der Veröffentlichung: 18.12.2009

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Widmung:
To all the little demons, who I continue to swat, one at a time.