Dear Whoever

I lived my life like any other person.I lived through death,loneliness,bullying,depression,anxiety,and much more.These things are what have made me in a way.They have broke me down and even built me up at times.By that I mean they have constructed me today.

 

I really have no idea who I am still.All I really know is that I like to write and lots of genres of music.My favorite animal is a dog but that's all that is consistent.Everything else is unpredictable.

 

Sometimes my choices can be thrilling.Some may be death threatening which scares me.I can't always control myself from certain situations before they happen.I surprise myself a lot of the time of the choices I make.

 

Friends and family say they know me but really they don't at all.I'm really capable of anything and everything.I find myself shying away from oppurtunities of new friends because I feel crazy.Inside of me is something I can not control.Anything can be a trigger in my personality and it can make me do things that I might not normally do.

 

Which is why I say people don't know me.No matter how close we are.I can switch up on you and myself.I'm crazy and I know this.That's why I don't say what is really on my mind due to the judgement I may get in return.

 

I've tried it all.Medicines...Self harm...Alcohol...Even therapy.None of it helped me.Most of it just made it worse or made me realize just how crazy I really am.

 

I've apologized so many times for my weird out bursts and silence but I'm tired of it.I'm tired of hiding who I am.I've been spending so many years of my life trying to figure out who I am that I totally by passed what was right in front of me.Who I am is not one person but is many.

 

I don't expect you to understand that.It took me half my life to figure it out but I did.I have what they call a boderline personality disorder.Which means one day I might be shy and quiet but the next I will be your typical party girl.I have so many different personalities that love so many different things which is why I'm unpredictable.

 

I have regonized my disorder and grown to understand it more as I began to notice it everyday.It even goes as far as changing my style completely the next day or throughout the day.As you read on you too will start to point it out.Sure you don't know me in my everyday life but even my texts change.

 

I'll just give you an idea how to point them out.One is very promiscuous which loves to talk about boys and underwear.Another is quite the fashionist.Other is depressed and lays in her bed all day.Another is really outgoing.The next is playfull.Last but not least is my host whom is very sweet with a side of socail anxiety.There's more but I'll let you figure them out.

 

This is just the introduction of my life.What your about to read is restricted content only.I'm writing this just so I can give people a sense of what actually goes on in the head of someone with a disorder.Some of this may be offensive but aren't all great stories?

Dear Whoever

Lately I've been feeling different.Like I'm sleepwalking or something.I've been not knowing who I really am...I don't feel safe.Not with myself.Not with anyone anymore.

 

It's hard for me to make friends actually.Some people may find me cool as fuck while some may look at me weird.When this happens it makes me feel real bad.So bad that it makes me want to hurt myself sometimes.But I don't.For those of you who think I'm cool or fun it's a lie.

 

I put up fronts to make myself seem cooler.It's never failed me once yet but it gets exhausting.I just try to be who you all want me to be.With all my different personalities it gets hard sometimes.I can't just always change who I am at the moment.It doesn't work like that.

 

When you have socail anxiety it makes it almost impossible to go out and make friends.I won't talk which makes me seem weird.I feel everyone is looking at me or too close to me.I don't do good in large groups which is why I keep my circles small.

 

In order for me to be myself around someone they would have to be super close to me.By that I mean we would have to hit it off right off the bat.Zero weirdness.I have only met a couple of those in my life time.Other than that it's always been people who think they know me but really don't have a clue.

 

 I'm at the point in my life where friends are overrated.Relationships are overrated.Everything in my life is just overrated.I don't know what's wrong with me.Between work and my daily chores I haven't really had time to think about anything really.

 

I have no idea how I'm feeling.I don't know if it's numb or pained.Maybe it's just nothing cause I really just feel like nothing.

 

Everyday is the same.No excitement.Nothing.I've tried to buy new things to spice it up but it just doesn't seem to be working.I work way to hard at my job.I thought I like working ther but of course the anxiety kicks back in.Sometimes I feel like crying when I go in but I can't cause I need the money.

 

I need the money so I can move out to a new home.I don't really know where I'm going.I guess I'm just in cruise control for right now.I'm not making any decisions right now.I'm just going with the flow.

 

Still trotting along just waiting for something to make me want to life again.Anything...

Dear Whoever

 Today is a great day.Or at least was supposed to be.I do the same thing every day it feels like.Go to work for 8 hours everyday except for one if I'm lucky.When I come home I'm tired.The day is gone and it's time to go to bed.

 

No time for hanging out.No time for chores.No time for anything these days.My time has be taken up that I don't even remember what I love.I have no time to think.I only do.

 

Sometimes I feel like I'm not even moving when in reality my life is fast past.I truly understand the meaning now of don't grow up it's a trap.It really is.I'm not saying I want to go back to school or I want to be a child.All I'm saying is why must we work for everything.

 

This world is meant to be shared with others than your self as well.So tell me why we have jobs to pay for things that should be free for eveyone?I just don't understand it.We fight all around the world to prove what?More dead bodies on our hands?More power?More greed?

 

Stop it!Stop fighting over things god has given us all to share.It's not your food!It's not your land!It's not your money!It's not your world!It's ours!So stop acting like your better than everyone else just because you have more money.

 

I'm only 20 and I've realized the greed long before that.That's all every one really cares about.Not family.Not love.Not anything but money.And it sucks to see that this is what the world has really come to.Everyone is losing them selves over a piece of paper.

 

It'll be rare when you come across someone who doesn't care about it.I haven't met anyone yet like me.Fuck my whole family is money hungry.No matter how much they get it's never enough.They are always complaining.Always wanting but never giving.It's pathetic.

 

If you asked them about it they would all get defensive.Start a huge argument about it until no one is talking.Is it sad to say I like it better that way.I just want them to leave me alone.

 

Before I got back on my feet and found a job all they wanted to do was put me down.I felt so low about myself that I would hurt myself everyday.I was a low life.I was not going anywhere.My anxiety was through the roof.Everyday it was a fight.

 

It still is now.The only difference is I'm making money now.Like alot of money.The kind that I've never made before in my life.But I'm still the same person.I never changed.I never thought I was better than anybody.I never said anybody was lower than me just cause they didn't have a job.I would never make some one feel as low as they did to me and that was my own family.

 

They deny it all.That's their best feature.Deny.Deny.Deny.They know it happened but they sweep it away like it didn't.But I'm not like them.I'm far from them.I have a good heart and all I do is care.I always tell myself that I'm too nice but in the end I can't help it.No matter how hard I try I'm always going to be nice.

 

Therefore I'm always going to be used and mistreated.People are foul yes I know this.It's the reason why I stay to myself and refuse to have any friends.They too are all fake just like the people I live with.There is no such thing as blood.They turn on you just as fast as a stranger would.I've learned that when I was 11.

 

I can't trust anyone.

 

 

Dear Whoever

 I've decided I'm done being a baby back bitch.I've been thinking alot lately about my past.I figured I was the happiest in 2014 when I was a alcoholic pill popin pot head.I didn't care about anything except for my next fix.I didn't care if I had friends or if anyone even loved me at all.

 

That's what I need to go back to.I'm ready to be my old self again.The one where no one liked me.The past where everyone was scared to even come up to me.I'm going to be a antiscocial norco freak.Whose with me?Any takers to travel down hill with me?

 

I've already started the party babes and your late.Got a new addiction and it's called pills.Need to get my hands on something stronger and better that norcos.Maybe like oxys.It's all candy to me.

 

I'm tired of being stuck at work and then coming home to sleep.I'm wasting my young life away.I want to live like the bad guys do.Life on the egde.Try new things like hard drugs and getting fucked up in late night strip clubs.

 

Anything to make the pain in my head stop.To make me feel alive again.To be your girls worst nightmare.To get away with breaking the law.It's time I start doing for me.What I want to do.

 

No regrets.No shame.Just me doing what I've always wanted to do.All those bad things that have been calling my name are about to be answered.And I can't wait.It's going to feel so good too.

 

So good to have a 3 some if I want to.So good to have sex for the first time with a girl.So good to see strippers dancing on those poles.So good to have drunken sex with whoever I want regaurdless if I have a boyfriend or not.

 

I was meant to be bad.Ever since I could remember I was older in the mind.I was always interested in sex and drugs.Not to mention alcohol.I've been drinking since I was 9.

 

I just want to be set free from the judgement.I know everywhere you go someone is judging.I just want to let that go and not give a fuck.I'm an adult whose going to have her own house pretty soon here.When that happenes I'm going to have my own life back.

 

My own rules under my own house.Fuck you all who tried to hold shit over my head cause now I'm on my own and it's working out.Your jealous mom?Jealous that I can do it all on my own.Mad that I'm not falling yet.

 

Well guess what?I'm not going to so you can just stop with the shit talk cause soon you won't mean anything to me.I'm going to be the girl that your parents warned you about.The girl that everyone wants to be friends with but fuck you all cause it's about me now.You all have abused me for too long and now it's my turn.

Dear Whoever

 Lifes been shit lately.Everywhere I go there's drama.I just want a little piece and quiet.Or just to be okay but no.I can never just be okay.

 

Work has been more stressful than before.Crooked coworkers lurking everywhere.When you think you can trust one,they are usually the worst one.They have now made me so anxietyed out that I cry when the clock says 9am.Just a reminder of having to leave my home and be around a bunch of people who don't like me.

 

This one girl I work with is always giving me anxiety.She's like 60 years old and has nothing better to do than fuck with me.She should leave me alone and go retire.Seriously it would take 20 pounds off of my chest.She's always following me around.Constantly trying to get me into trouble.

 

Now she has others doing it as well.Like the maintenance man.He made me go back to a room making me feel stupid about leaving something under the bed.Then the other house keeper started seeming as if she was annoyed with me for no reason.Slowly they all started going from really friendly to going against you.

 

The worst one yet was when I had to work with someone else like I was a baby or being penalized.I was so embarrassed.I didn't even do anything wrong.I was acused of not using my chemicals when I did.Someone had filled them up when I was helping someone else out.

 

But just when I thought it couldn't get any worse it did.One of the other girls had yelled at me for dropping my linen when she was dropping hers.It was a honest accident but she acted like I did it on purpose.I had already apologized but it wasn't good enough.She came and found me at lunch and went off on me in front of everyone.

 

I had so much anxiety after that I went to the bathroom.The tears began to fall.I couldn't stop them.I probably should have walked out and quit but something told me not to.Instead I cleaned my face and cut my lunch short.

 

I don't understand why I can't just have a simple life.Why does everything have to be so hard.I'm getting kicked out soon.I have to deal with a shit job.A shit "family".No friends what so ever.Why can't people just leave me alone.I just want to be left alone.

 

I don't know how much longer I can put up with this shit.Today I just realized how much I don't care about my boyfriend.He treats me like shit and is never here.Constantly lying to me.I'm about ready to just tell everyone to fuck off.

 

I'm ready to give up on all this shit.No bullshit I want to die.I'm tired of living.I'm tired of venting to myself.I'm tired of starving.I'm just tired of pushing myself to be normal.I have issues and I'm tired of them.

Dear Whoever

I feel it starting again.The depression but mostly anxiety.It's like a dark wave.A dark wave of flesh eating zombies that I can never get away from.It's always there no matter what I do.It's there.

 

Some days are worse than others.I pray for the worst to quickly pass.I don't think I could handle another 2014 depression.It was probably the worst time period in my life.I was so depressed that it had took advantage of me.Making me almost impossible to be around.

 

It was a time where I was so angry with my self that I took it out on the one person who actually loved me.Well at least for the moment.I drove him away and I'm women enough to admit that.I must have been a scary person to be around back then.I didn't blame him but what I did blame him for was giving up.

 

No matter how bad it got.If I say I'm in love with you that means I will work out every problem and want you all the time.I will never give up on you no matter what your going through.We said this to each other and for a moment it was perfect.Real love.The kind you fight for.The kind everyone thinks does not exist.We had it.

 

So young at the time I think had a bit to do with our falling out.My mind was with my hoe friends instead of him.The one who really loved me and does to this day.I chose drugs and alcohol over him just as he did to me.He woke up and I didn't.After all the shit I did to him.The cheating.The lying.The constant fights about me eating.He still wanted me.

 

I was no good for him anymore.I failed him but he failed me too.He let me down by walking away when really what I wanted was for him to hold me.I needed comfort but you left me.Alone out in the open.

 

You turned to even heavier drugs and sex.I was heart broken.We gave ourselves to each other and I was so hurt to see you fucking other girls.We were meant for each other and you knew it.But you also knew after you fucked someone else it would be over for good.You made that call not me.

 

So I fucked his best friend.It meant nothing to me.Everything has meant nothing lately.After you I think I died.A little and then my dog that I've had for 20 years passes.You weren't there and we practically raised her together.A part of me went with you that night.I haven't been the same since.

 

To me she was normal.It was normal for her to be with me at all times.Just like it was normal for him to be beside me.But things change.People change.I changed.For the better I think. 

Dear Whoever

Today is going to be a bit different.I'm going to share something that I have never shared with anyone before.I hope none of you get offended.This is a venting of mine.All true of how I feel on the days where I just don't want to feel at all.Here we go.

 

 Journal Entry #1              6/7/17 7:59pm
My heads been traveling down dark thoughts again but this time I fear I can't control it.I push myself to shower and take care of my animals on these days.Sometimes it feels impossible so I wait for little for no people to be out in the living room as I do so.Then it's right back to my room.It happens more now.Before it would be like a bad day and I would wake up the next and be fine.But lately when I wake it's still there.Hovering over me like a ghost I can't see.Mostly it starts with the feeling of feeling odd.Then a sketch feeling of not feeling safe.Then I get angry at myself for feeling this way so I punish myself by hitting my legs with any metal object(a flashlight seems to be working)repeativally and violently.If I wake up the next morning with no bruises I hit myself harder and harder until I want to cry out but I don't.I find it easier to find lies to cover it up then cutting myself.With each day I literally think I'm getting worse.My horrible thoughts have now turned into suicide thoughts and I don't know how to shut them out unless I'm really fucked up or asleep.But recently I haven't been getting much sleep.I dream of mostly sad and upsetting things that never leave my mind for the following day.The most recent one was about me and Tj.We were in a random house hooking up.It felt so real.I felt so happy.The kind of happy I haven't felt in a long time.It was true happiness until after we had hooked up he was telling everyone that it was a one time thing.My heart sank and I immediatly woke up.That wasn't the first upsetting dream I had of him.I wish he would just leave my thoughts alone.Like he's haunting me or something.It's been like 3 years and I still feel broken.I mean I was broken before but dating him actually made me notice just how bad off I really was.I wasn't no successful girl with loads of ambition.I was a joke who was so very lost and mentally insane.It just progressed since then.How is it that when you actually do seek help it actually makes you feel even worse.Seeing a therapist just made my mind all jumbled up and made me talk about everything but myself.I guess I didn't know how to say that I didn't know what was wrong with me.I was very anti-social but liked it.I had a weird obsession for girls but I liked guys.That every single time I was alone I wanted die.Then after I stopped going I realized that maybe it wasn't that I didn't know what was going on with me but maybe it was I was so used to sweeping shit under the carpet that I didn't want to bring it up again.I was truthfully ashamed of my private activities due to my mother's constant disapproval.Everything I did good or bad she would be there to fuck with me.She fucked with me so bad that I believed that I was a whore for losing my virginity to a guy that I loved.She beat it in my head that every guy I dated was cheating on me or doing something bad like I wasn't good enough for them.She would make fun of people who had depression issues.She made me feel like a druggy everytime I went to go smoke.She would discourage me from any life changing sucessful thing that I was thinking about doing.She kicked me so fucking far down that I can't get back up.I'm being swallowed here with these people and no one can pull me out.I'm lonely and it's really getting to me.I can't love and no one can love me with all these problems.

Dear Whoever

I've been thinking alot lately.I mean that's all I do but more about me.Everyone takes advantage of me.If they aren't taking my money or stealing from me they probably are thinking they can get one over my head.Which they can't.I know.I'm not stupid.I know and you know who I'm talking about if you ever do read this.Which if you do than that means I'm dead.

 

Anyway everything seems so stressful to me.The job.The people.The move.Me.I want it all to end.I'm tired and just want to lay to rest already.I've been going around and around but still have no solution.

 

It's not me not thinking anyone cares about me anymore.It's me who doesn't want them too.I guess I feel pushing them away is less harmful then letting them see me hurt myself and theres nothing they can do to stop it.If I want to die then I want to die.

 

I'm sorry.I can't help it.I'm always thinking that I'm not good enough.I'm a idiot and you've all made that clear.My shoulders are getting pretty heavy and I'm not sure how much longer I'll be around for.

 

I may end up dying or I may get a miracel.Who knows.With the way life is going right now.I'm leaning more towards suicide.It's always on my mind.I feel once your at that part of your depression there's no going back.No one can help you.

 

They can't make you want to stay.Come on.Look around.The world is chaos.It's not a happy place to be.It's a fucking nightmare.And I can't wake up for anything.Why can't I just wake up!Wake up!

 

Yes I want to die.No I won't take my own life.But I can promise you that I want hesitate to put myself in harms way.I will get tattoos just cause I need the pain.I will drink until I'm throwing up fucked out of my mind.I will take those pills that everyone is afraid to.I will do anything and everything to hurt myself until there's nothing left to hurt. 

Dear Whoever

Once again my "Family" has messed up everything for me.Lying.Cheating.Stealing.Backstabbing.Where do you go when you have no one to turn to?No where to run.I've worked so hard to just get stolen from.Everyday.

 

What did I do?Why have I been hurting my entire life?Oh I know.I'm just too good hearted.I care too much and I can't help it.I try to help someone out and it just back fires on me.When will I ever learn?

 

I'm currently single now.I have been treated like shit for too long by you.You never cared about me.If you did it wouldn't be such a big deal to stay home with your girlfriend every once and a while.I saw your true feelings yesterday when I had the flu.You had started a fight with me.Who does that?All I wanted was to be comforted but no that was too much for you.

 

Family is bullshit.They all all about what can you do for me.Once you spoil them they turn their backs on you when there's nothing left to give.Surrounded by insane people.A disgusting demon who can't keep his hands to himself.With other's who just let it go.Does anyone else care?Or am I the only sane one.

 

I've been thinking day and night about it all.The only thing that I have come up with is that I'm tired.I don't enjoy anything anymore.I am dead inside and there's no doudt about that.I've tried for years to fix myself but there is no repair.I'm beyond that now.

 

I'm tired of asking why I got delt a bad deck.From the beginning it's been twisted.I didn't ask to be born.I didn't want to be.So why am I even alive.All this life has done to me is fuck me up so bad that I want to die.

 

Nothing helps.Nothing.No fucking medication.Not therapy.Not even self harming.Nothing takes the pain away and I'm in severe pain.So much bad thoughts that it feels as if my head is going to pop.Sometimes I wish it would.

 

I say this with complete honesty....I want to die.I'm ready now.I have been hurting my self a lot lately and I don't even try to hide it.I want you to know that I hate my life and myself.That way when I finally do end up dead it won't be a surprise.You all knew it was coming.I did.

 

I'm just planning it.How it will happen.Do I want it to be quick or slow.Peaceful or horrible.Should I leave a note or not.I don't think I have anything else to say to any of these people.Other than I'm dead and that I'm not coming back.Ever. 

Dear Whoever

 Works been nothing but rush rush rush.I have no time to do anything when I get home but go to bed and do it all over again.My stress levels are through the roof.And to top it all off I still feel as worthless as ever...

 

The only good thing in my life right now is a Wiz Kahlifa concert coming up in april.I have already bought my ticket and requested the day off.My hopes shrank when I saw how many other people were asking for the day off as well.I just want to have fun for once.Just something to make me smile for an hour out of the day would be enough.

 

I can't remember the last time where I actually enjoyed my time.I'm always at work with stupid people who just want to look for every reason to pick on you.It's getting annoying.

 

At this point I don't even know how I feel.About anything.Really....All I know is that I want to curl up somewhere quiet with no disruptions and fall asleep forever.Never being able to wake.

 

Sometimes I feel like disappearing.I wonder if anyone here would notice.If they would even worry.But then I realize that I'm not worth worrying about.Not unless I had money for them they wouldn't even care.

 

It's not home like here.I've never really had a place where I felt comfortable enough to call home.It's just a place to sleep and hold my stuff.If I'm lucky it won't be rummaged through and stolen.Hense why I keep my money on me at all times.

 

Pretty sad when you have to carry hundreds on you while you work your ass off at your job.I should really get a bank account.That way all I have to keep track of is a card.Easier than keeping loose bills all over your body.

 

I just wish that I could run away.Somewhere nice.Full of peace and good vibes.Any suggestions?I have no credit but I have the cash to get my own place.Sucks cause it feels like I'm doing this all for no reason.

 

Until then I guess I'll try to find a different job and build my credit.Hard when you feel like you have nothing to live for.I'm trying my best to keep my ship a float but it's tipping slowly.I'm getting tired and more depressed by the days.

 

I'm going to focus on me for the next few weeks.I will be going to that concert in april.Even if I don't get it off.I deserve it.So I'm going to get into shape and buy the perfect outfit.For those of you living in Cali and going to the april concert come say hi.

Dear whoever

Journal Enrty #3               6/15/17          9:39am

About 3 days have passed and still no Stephen.It should bother me but it doesn't.I literally don't know why I said yes to dating him.You say yes when you actually like the person not when you don't...I'm so lost that I've been trying to find familiar things that once made me feel alive.Stephen was one of those things but that was like 7 years ago.I'm not a shy 13 year old anymore and he's not him anymore.It's different and I can't be the only one feeling this way.There's no one I can turn too.No one who wants to listen to me.Not even God.If there is even a God which I came to the conclusion I don't care if there is or not.Either way he didn't help me like everyone else says he would.Nothing gets an inch better and I'm fallening deeper and deeper into a hole.Honestly losing faith wasn't a big deal.I didn't stop believeing just cause I wanted to but because God wanted me too.He hates me or something and that's okay cause everyone else does too.I mean even my own mother deep down hates me.So why would I even try to be happy with a relationship.I don't know maybe cause Im stupid.I'm so fucking stupid that I can't even get a job by myself.Cause obviously I'm doing it all wrong.Nobody gives me a call back and I call a lot.Every which way I try to help myself I get denied.So tell me...Am I just supposed to die or something?Am I an abomination?Was I literally just a mistake?A mistake to the world.A mistake to my parents.A mistake to God.Cause I'm starting to think and feel like I am.This shit really has me thinking about a mental home.Only because I really don't want to die but this mind I have just won't stop.It won't stop destroying me every fucking day of my worthless life.I used to pray every night.Just to ask why.Why am I so crazy?Why am I different?Why is it so hard for me to make friends?Why can't I love someone?Why doesn't anyone love me?Why am I here?I wished that my mind would just shut up.Leave me alone for once.So I can relax and sleep comfortably without the thoughts surrounding me.It has literally taken my life.I can't even go out without feeling like I'm a alien.My throat hurts and I can't breathe when I'm out in public.I can shop comfortably because all I'm thinking about is getting home.Just writing this doesn't even make sense.How can anybody understand me if I don't even know what's going on my self?

Dear Whoever

   I hate being this person.The person who is just put on the back burning because I'm nice.I'm always being treated like shit no matter what I do.Always being taken advantage of.It all comes back to being too nice.

 

Well I'm done with that bullshit.It ends now.This life is mine.I'm in charge of my own being,so why am I so hung up on what people think of me...It's life.It's the way us humans were programmed.Constantly judging each other like we're any better.

 

It's girls mostly.You hate someone else because you think they are prettier then you.Or that girl has acne.Or she's so thin I want to be like that.Stop comparing yourselves.The way you were born is unique.Nobody else looks like you but you.You should appreciate that.I do.

 

Do what makes you happy.If putting on makeup everyday is what makes you happy then do that.Dressing in boy clothes or girl clothes whatever.Just do what is you.I promise you will be a lot happier when you stop giving a shit.

 

Who the hell cares what your parents think.Or your friends and family.Even strangers.Fuck them all.Just smile.

 

That's what I'm doing.Being me without even caring who's around me.I'm happy when I'm skinny and shopping.When I'm smoking a fat joint on the beach by myself.At home getting trashed with some friends.That's what makes me happy.

 

So starting today I'm going to go on a major diet.I've already cut my hair straight across and I'm ready to complete the look.I want to be 108 again.I used to be 104 but that's just too thin.I want to be a cute thin not a too thin.It's going to be hard knowing that recently I can't seem to get away from food.I've been having a few issues but it's not too late to turn the wagon around.

 

I don't exactly know how much I weigh right now.I kinda don't want to know but in order to get to that point again I have to.If it's too big it'll give me a boost to cut all fat food out.I used to be a queen at it really.I would go for weeks without eating and feel great.They all hated it so much when I wouldn't eat.I got really small really quick but I was happy.

 

For a split moment in my fucked up life I was happy.Or maybe I was satisfied.I don't know.But what I do know is that it was a great feeling.I want to feel that again.I want to feel something cause right now I don't feel nothing.

 

I just get high all the time.Then I sleep the day away.I should be at least getting skinny while I'm wasting away.Right?

 

So join me on my journey of getting thin.Together we can create a masterpiece.Something both you and I know we can do if we just put our minds to it.Who knows maybe you too will find this helpful.You could start your own as well and let me know about your progress and achievements.

 

So long for now.I will be writing about my journey here.So stay tuned if you want.I will do this and you all will see it.Right here live.

Dear Whoever

Journal Entry #14         9/5/17          9:07pm

I just need something.Anything.I'll try it if it's going to make this all go away.I have no idea what's going on and it really sucks when it hits.It doesn't even hit whenever.It's everyday.Following me everywhere I go.It's not something I can shake.Believe me if I could I would be fine.There is no real cure.Drugs get old and the feelings start to unfold.So what next?After the meds don't work.After the self harming.After the self medicating.What next cause I'm still the same if not worse.I mean I never wanted to kill myself before until just a year ago.You never understand how someone could feel so low to the point they feel like dieing until your there.I don't mean the whole something goes wrong.I mean you have thoughts.Hopelessness.Thoughts that are almost impossible to control.So how long do I have?How long before it gets worse.How long before I can't stop myself?Will I be able to everytime?Will the faces of animals be enough?Cause sometimes it's not.Sometimes I want to just do it.Risk the lives of others.Let go of all the stress.Of everything.Leave it all behind cause I'm mentally done.I can't stop it.They just roll in like tides.One after another.I always wonder if I'd be at peace.If it would all be over.All these thought or what ever this is would be gone possibly makes me want to do it even more.Everyday is more than just a fight.It's survival.Wanting to live and die at the same time isn't easy.It's like being two completely different people in one.With other personalities added on.It's really a lot to handle and no body understands but me.No one will ever know what I feel and deal with each day.They will say they do but they really don't.When it's bad it's bad and you keep it to yourself.Scared of nothing but something.People keep pushing cause all they want is money and they have no idea how it makes me feel.Yes I will get a job and no I will not pay.When I do it will take a toll on my body and self esteem.Anybody talks or tries to change it will be removed from my life.And yes alcohol will be a bill and I will drink when I want and how I want.Forget about the family trips cause I'm dropping out.I want to be alone and that's it.I may not have the confidence to be a stripper or a pornstar but one day I will.I will keep my money somewhere hidden and not in a bank account.I don't trust anybody.It takes one fight and they are doing you foul.I've learned not to trust anybody from family.No body has your back and the sooner you realize that the sooner your life will be better.Before I do anything fun I will save and save and save.Get a home by myself with my animals.Yes I am afriad of the dark but that's what lots of lights are for.I'll even sleep with my bedroom light on if it's that bad.Which it probably won't be when I get settled in.I have two pitts I think I'm covered.
 

Dear Whoever

  Lots of things have been happening in such a small time frame that it is scary.For starters I quit my job due to coworkers constantly talking behind my back.Saying things like they had a plan.For what I had no idea.It was a hard desicion to make but the GM wasn't doing anything about it.

 

Second for some odd reason that I can't even explain some of my friends wanted to switch up.We were all supposed to go see Wiz Kahlifa together but Bre had other intentions I guess.She started making up lie after lie like she always did for no reason which made my sister mad.They started arguing over fb and next thing I knew they were calling us out to fight.

 

Long story short our friend Tyler that we had grown up with had tooken their side.Strangers to him.He tried to grab my sister off of Gerty whom she was beating up.I pushed him away from her and told him don't touch my sister.In return he punched me in the back right between my shoulder blades.When I went to turn around to defend my self, I was shocked to see that it had been him who had hit me.

 

He then grabbed me holding me down.I still have the bruises on my arms from how tight he was holding me.As he held me down he let Bre the girl who I knew for 2 years beat on me.At this point he had thrown me to the ground and she still came after me.I kicked her in the stomache so hard she lost her breath giving me enough time to get to my feet.

 

Did I fire on her after that?No I didn't cause to me we were good friends and I had nothing to do with any of it.I was confused.She then tried telling me we were family and I looked at her in disgust.I told her she wasn't my fam and foul for putting her hands on me for no reason.For someone she didn't even know.

 

This is a perfect example of not to trust anyone.You may think you know someone but you really don't.You can know them your whole life and then have them beating on you for no reason.Male or female you have to watch your own back cause I garuntee nobody is watching yours.That's why I stay paronoid.

 

But they didn't get away with any of it.No bad guy does really.Tyler later went to jail for trying to bring cocaine, meth, and pot on base grounds.Bre had promised to pay his bail from what I heard and failed due to being on lock down by her husband Chris whom she was cheating on.Both her and Gerty got tickets.Gerty was kicked off base and as a result lost her job.

 

Today 5/4/18 Breyanna Woods was arrested for child abuse.She was stopped at the marine base gate due to strong smell of pot.Searched and charged with a DUI let alone child indangerment.She had left her two infant daughters alone at her house for hours.Her kids also showed signs of starvation.

 

I don't know why any of them would think they would get away with any of it.Karma is a very real thing.This time it acted faster than any of us thought.

Dear Whoever

 I've been kinda depressed lately.If you haven't already noticed.But who isn't in this fucked up world.This shit sucks.It really does.

 

I was born to a broken family already.Come to find out later that I wasn't even wanted.I was supposed to be aborted.I can't help but think sometimes that maybe I would have been better off.I wouldn't be so messed up you know...

 

After my sister my parents got a divorce.We practically lived in shit my entire life.When I was 7 my father and his girlfriend got into a car wreck and died.I never got along with him so it didn't affect me like it should have.That man was an abusive alcoholic.He starved me for crying out loud.But that was okay because it was court ordered that I go see him.

 

That's when everything started to fall apart.I never really realized it.I was just a child then.All I knew is that I hated the man that I was supposed to call father and was in love with my mother.Right before she went crazy or whatever happened to her tweaked brain.

 

She was such a great mom when we were all young but as soon as we hit 12 she changed.Started treating people like shit.Starting pointless fights and drama with anyone she came into contact with.She became an irritation over the years.It shouldn't be like that at all.

 

I grew a lone wolf.All through school I'd rather be alone.I fucked it off mostly.School was beneath me.The kids were too.They were all the same.With their slutty outfits matching the girl next to them.

 

Making girl friends was impossible for me.Lets just say I get along with the boys more.All I wanted to do was drink, smoke, and chill.In that order only.The kids at the school were all about parties and who hooked up with who.Fuck that drama shit man.I had a few older people who respected me.It's all about keeping your circle small.

 

But of course years go by.Things change.People change.And still I sit alone in my room.I'm not bored though.I don't feel alone anymore.I got my weed and that's all I really need.Right?

 

I don't know when or how my disorder came too.What I do know is that I didn't just wake up like this one day.It was something I was born with.Just never really noticed it.But when I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder it all started to make sense.

 

The way I was.The way I did things.The way it ws hard for me to stay in one place.It was always hard.My whole life I remember constant change in who I was.I changed so much in just days that I didn't even know who I was.I still don't.

 

I could be nice and shy one moment.The next be looking for a fight.I had my fair share in drugs and booze but nothing seems to keep me sane like marijuana.Most call it a drug but I call it my come back.It brings me back to a good place.

 

I can't even go out of my house with out smoking.My anxiety is through the roof at times which is where weed comes into play.It helps me do things.Go out into the world and do everyday things that a normal person who think was normal.To me it's like being exposed.With no where to run and hide.

 

Scary right?It's like wanted to talk but you can't speak.Wanting to run but you can't move.Being sufficated is how I feel in public.It's a horrible feeling that just makes you want to die.I would never wish thiis apon anyone.Cause when it gets dark and no one can help you is the worst.I understand cause this is how I felt my whole life.

Dear Whoever

Journal Entry  #12             8/4/17       9:53pm

 

    It's starting all over again.I can't run from it.I can't hide from it.There is nothing that I can do to stop it.I feel more helpless then ever.Not knowing how to fix yourself is kinda a big problem.I've tried medication.I've even changed therapists.Nothing seems to work anymore.I actually seem to be getting worse.I have no modivation whats so ever and I can't find anything to change that.I feel ugly and alone most of the time.It physically hurts me to look at myself in the mirror.My mind is constantly hounding me about my weight and these suicidal thoughts don't don't really make it any better.I can't control them and sometimes they get a little much.I'm able to talk myself down from time to time but I fear one day my sister or my animalsmay not be enough to bring me back down.I grow more scared each day and my whole body feels rotten.I wonder if I push myself to go work if I'll kill myself faster.Will I feel confident again or will I just feel worse.What if I do it all.Go to college as well.Will it all be for nothing?Even with success will I still feel like dying?I just don't want to work so hard and in the end feel like it was all for nothing.It would be a waste of time.A waste of teachings.Cause if I'm not happy still then I rather just save myself the heart ache.I'd rather give up now then later when I have it all.It's not like I want to give up.It's just 19 years is a long time to bare the pain that my mind has caused.I'm getting tired of pretending that I can be saved.Tired of pushing through for what?Some one who probably doesn't even love me like I do them.Cause let's be honest like friends family does not exisit.They will turn their backs on you just as fast cause that's life.You were born alone and you will die alone.We all are alone.No one really cares.About anything.They don't care that everynight you cry softly to yourself instead of sleeping.They don't care that you have socail anxiety.They don't care that you want to die.If they did they would see it.They would look right through you and be there for you every step of the way.But when you cry out no one will be there.Just the darkness taking a whole of your spirit.They are your demons not heirs.Yours.You fight them alone or you let them swallow you whole.It's your choice and I know this.My inner demos are at war right now and I'm feeling pretty hopeless.I'm vering into the danger zone and I'm trying to fight really I am but how can I fight when I'm paralyzed.I said it a million times before and of course I'm going to say it again...I need help.I need somebody to tell me it's going to be okay and I won't feel ike this forever.Please help me before it's too late.

Dear Whoever

So I've been running around like a fat chicken with it's head cut off.I'm so big that I'm afraid to weigh my self.It's horrible when you don't really look at yourself in the mirror.I just get disgusted.No one should have to feel like that but I do.

 

When you have a eating disorder it's there for life.There is no getting better.There is no running from it.It's always there.It may be calmed down right now but it will come back.You can never fix it.It's life long trust me.

 

You will never get rid of the sour thoughts.You will always feel disgusting after eating.You will always look and feel ten times bigger then you actually are.It's just how a eating disorder is.

 

So embrace it.Not everyone can have the strong mind set that you have.Not everyone can control it like you can.I actually think it's sort of a super power.

 

Take advantage and get that summer bod you always wished for.Be that thin model you want to be.Fit those crop tops only skinny girls can look cute in.Be the skinny girl you and I both know you were meant to be.Cause lets be honest you look your best when your thin.

 

For starters get away from that junk food.You don't need it if you want to be skinny.Start slow if you aren't really used to the hunger pains.Like cutting out chunkie foods.Not for good don't worry.

 

Try to not eat all day until dinner.If you can't possibly do it then eat one apple and that is it.Keep yourself busy with friends.Smoking pot away from a fridge is perfect.Just keep yourself busy all day.It works trust me.There will be no time for food.

 

At dinner time you can eat whatever.Junk food included but it has to be  meal.Not snacks.Snacks are more fatting then a real full meal.Keep this in mind.

 

Repeat this for at least a few weeks.Your weight will drop a lot if your bigger.Like I was once.After a few weeks your body will adjust to what you are doing and the hunger pains will go away.But there is still work to be done.

 

After you think you have mastered that you can move on to bigger things.Like starving yourself for a full day.You have to be stern and harsh to do this.Everytime you go to eat you drink water.Fill yourself up with water.It works and it keeps you hydrated.

 

First day is done and the hunger pains are back.They hurt so bad that they make you want to eat.You can but small portions.The next day after that starve again.Repeat the cycle for as long as you need to feel like you can handle more days.

 

Add day by day to the starve cycle being harsh on yourself mentally is key and keeping yourself on the go constantly.Start going on late walks to improve stamina.After a few days you will feel weak.But after your breaking point you will feel amazing.

 

What's a breaking point you might ask?It's the point when you realize you have no pains at all.You feel great even though you haven't eaten in awhile.It's a feeling that is like the best feeling in the world.You'll know what I'm talking about when you get there.

 

Once you've reached your breaking point keeping starving.Like for 5 days straight.Don't be fooled by the breaking point.It's the best yess but it is also a vulnerable state.Eating could put you back at square one.So go forth with it even more.

 

Just don't go past a full week yet.Your still new.Doing so too quickly could make you faint.You don't want this to happen.You want to avoid that.Take it slow like I said.You will get there.

 

Now eat after the sixth day.What ever your little heart desires.Big apetite but full all too quickly huh.This just means it's working.Great news.

 

Next morning get back in line.Starve for 4 days this time.Then eat the best salad you've ever had.Lettuce, cheese, olives, dryed onions, fresh red onions, crutons, and buttermilk ranch.Change the menu if you'd like but salad only.

 

In the morning you'll still be thin.Next is starving again.I think you might be ready for a full week.But that's for professionals.You don't have to do the full week if you don't want to.Starving for 6 days at the most will still get you good results.

 

Life long results.You can do it all the time and lose weight everytime.Everytime you'll get smaller.Trust me.

Dear Whoever

I've came into contact with an old friend I guess you can say.I don't know if this could be a thing.We are two very different people now.She's a gamer and into technalogy.I'm stupid when it comes to that stuff.I just have basic know abouts.

 

Is it bad that the only reason I've accepted her message request is to learn how I can make money from home?I feel terrible about it...And my sister...She would never approve of our friendship.I'm torn.

 

I don't think I want any friends.Like at all.I have not one friend on this earth currently.Before I was depressed about it but now I feel perfectly content.I don't want to hurt this girls feelings but she seems she doesn't know what it's like to feel sad.Or any fear of danger.

 

I wouldn't want to corupt her.That's all I ever do.I'm not innocent.I know this.The only thing we have in common so far is smoking pot.But she could be lying just to fit in with me.She was kown for that.

 

When we were kids she was more of the bully.Yes she was my best friend at one point but at the same time she was a asshole.She would point out how I was fat.Or that I was the only girl in 4th grade to have such huge boobs.She made me feel bad sometimes.

 

But she is incredibly smart and could help me i so many ways.I could use her to get me into college.I can use her in getting a good job.I could also use her for how to make money at home.All of this is using her...

 

She's clearly just looking for a friend.I'm such an asshole man.But this life I live made me one.She also had a part in that.She can't blame me.I'm not the same mousey Amy that you used to know.

 

I'm not fat anymore.I'm not shy at all.I love sex and drugs.I crave and live for the rebelious thrills.I'm a bad person to hangout with lets face it.

 

But hey if she wants to be my friend then let her.Who knows maybe it could be great for the both of us.She can get a friend out of it and I can get employed.We doing each other a favor.

 

Unless my thoughts are true.The thought of her being on Terria and Bre's side.Like come on an old past friend hitting me up out of the blue.Right around the same time.I don't know anymore.

 

What if this is her setting me up.Or maybe it's just me being paranoid.I think of everything that could happen before I do something and it sucks.It really stops my life.I think everyone is out to get me.And most of the time they are.

 

I just don't know what to think of it yet.So for now I'm going to keep it online.Like pen pals.Plus I don't want her to know where I live just because.I don't need anymore people knowing where I am.

 

I just need her help with college.Also it'd be nice just to have someone there.

Dear Whoever

I don't even know if I want a boyfriend anymore.Things just don't feel the same.We have almost nothing in common and I still feel he's on drugs.He's just too skinny.

 

He always leaves me lonely.He rather hang out with everyone else except for me.Of course he just tries to sweep my feelings under the carpet because he just doesn't care.It's clear to see that.

 

I've lost feelings for him.I don't get butterflies anymore.I don't smile as much as I should.I barely leave my house.I'm so lonely that it makes me desperate.I'm depressed and he has a part in it.

 

So why am I still with him?Maybe it's the fact of not wanting to be completely alone.Or maybe it's cause I don't want him to be happy with anyone else but me.

 

I don't even have sex anymore.It's like once in a blue moon.And even then I feel alone.I always either feel like throwing up or it hurts to bad cause I'm just not turned on.How could I be?

 

I don't want any attention like that anymore.I just want to be left alone.In the piece and quiet in my own comfort zone.Away from everything.

 

But on a brighter note I finally got past my first day of no eating at all.I woke up this morning wanting to throw up so I had something little and sweet.I feel better.Now I just have to run with it.

 

I'm not giving up now.I want to look cute on those tiny crop tops.I want people to look at me again.I want to be called skinny.I want thin thighs and nothing is going to stop me.

 

Who knows where this journey will take me.Maybe I'll get back to 104.Or maybe I'll push myself more this time.I'm trying to be perfect skinny.No sagging skin anywhere.Just pure beauty.

 

Maybe you'll notice me now Stephen.When I start dropping pounds left and right.Will you notice me then?Or will you just think it's normal?The funny part about this all is not even you can stop me.

 

I will do this and not care at all.I don't care what anyone thinks.It's my life.My body.I will do what I want with it.There's not a damn thing anyone can say.

 

Dear Whoever

 Journal Entry   #10            7/23/17          11:33am

        I've got 3 more weeks until my birthday.Even though I hate that I exist I still want to be thinner by then.I haven't exactly been taken my weight.I'd rather not know what my starting point was because I already know it's alot and it would make me push my body too fast.I want to push my self hard but not fast.Yes it gets fast results but I'll feel alot more sick and people will notice quickly.I don't have a problem with people knowing.I mean they're gunna see too...If I lose too much in a small time frame people will try to stop me and of course I can't have that.This time it's different.I will not stop for others feelings.I will not let someone force me into eating.My mind is set and I can not be changed.This is what I want.I'm finally there.My mind is finally ready and I'm going to run with it.If my future is death then I want to be skinny.I've already got the I'm not doing shit for you attitude down.Now it's time to get the I don't care attitude in check.Back in 2014 I didn't care about others feelings let alone mine.I need to go back to not caring.I need to go back too I'm cool as long as I have music.I'm already becoming silent.I don't know how I feel as of right now.The cravings aren't there at all.Seeing pictures of food make me sick to my stomache.This is supposed to be good news but I'm kinda scared.Not even scared cause I'm letting it in.It's here.Controlling my every move.It's almost inviting.Like calling my name in the distance.I know I need help but no one wants too.I've tried and somehow it all got messed up.Just like everything else in my life.I've tried medication but that didn't seem to help either.I'm swallowing my self whole and there's nothing I nore anyone can do to stop it.No one understands anyways.They say they do but they don't.I mean I can see it all over their faces when I talk.It's so frustrating actually.It makes me want to run into open traffic.Not being understood is the worst part about this.All you want is for someone to truly understand where your coming from and to take it all away.But this isn't a perfect world and I'm me so...Nothing takes the pain away.Not time.Not God.Not anything.If I could live without my head I would.It's not my body.It's not my heart.It's my head.Talking none stop.Never getting a break.I look around and wonder if anyone else wants a new mind.I mean I know I'm not the only one but I just wanna know how to deal with it.How do people like me go out and get a job without freaking out?How do you make friends like this?How do you fall in love?How do you live cause clearly I'm doing it wrong cause I'm dying inside.I'm screaming for help but it's not there.I think part of the reason why I grew silent is because there is no help for any of us.It's just how fucked up your head is really.Like The people who say they got better are either lying or telling the complete truth.If they're lying it's cause their mind is too fucked up.If they're not then that means you were never fucked up in the first place.You were just lost and needed a little guidence.But me...Well I'm pretty sure I just have a fucked up mind.It only gets worse or stays the same.In my case it seems to be progressing faster than usual.These thoughts that I've been having are kinda getting worse and I don't know what to do.Do I tell someone or do I sit and let it get worse.I'm stuck between if I do tell there's not much they can do for me anyway and if I don't it'll only get worse.I don't want to die but I feel it's eating me.

Dear Whoever

 Journal Entry   #20           10/12/17        9:01pm

 

        I have no idea why this month is taking so long.I just want it to be over already.I just want everything to be over really.I also have no idea what north korea is waiting on.Just blow us up already.I mean we're all stupid.This life is fucking stupid so just end it all already.Damn dude I have the feeling I'm gunna have to take my own life.I don't give a flying fuck if it's not my life to take.Cause really it is my life right.So I should be able to make the choice of wether to end it or not.With the way everything is going lately I'm leaning more towards the end.I don't know how many times I can say or feel this way.I hate verything.Life is not enjoyable for me anymore.Now that I think about it I don't think it ever was.I can't find anything that keeps my mind from thinking like this.I'm past the stage of saying something.There's nothing anyone can do to make it go away.If I can't you can't.It's getting harder and harder.I'm running out of options here.I feel like the world is swallowing me whole.I'm tired of talking to my reflection.I'm tired of turning to people who just laugh or look at me like I'm insane.I'm tired of anxiety stopping my whole life.I'm tired of waking up.I wish I would get some kind of deathly medical issue.It's better than wanting to beat my head in with a golf club.I want to jump off a huge cliff.I want to get hit by a car.I'm so fucking tired of this shit.I didn't ask for this.What the fuck did I do.Like seriously.Everything is bullshit.I can't seem to get along with anybody.I'm so lonely.I just want to be in a casket and be set on fire.I want to not exist anymore.This isn't what it's supposed to be like.I know that there is something better for me on the other side.If it's just nothing that would be great.Anything is better than here.I don't belong here and everyone knows it.I fall apart everyday and no one even knows.This time everyone thinks I'm fine and I'll keep it that way.These people are just like everyone else.Strangers.I have anxiety with the people I live with.I can't do anything and there is no help.I guess I'm just waiting for the right moment.I mean who was I kidding?I'm not going to have a successful clothing business.I'm not going to be a writer.I'm not going to be a radiologist.I'm not going to be anything.It's all just a myth.Look at me.I can't even go to get a drink without dreading it.I can't do it.It doesn't matter if I tell myself I can cause I know I can't.Waking up sucks.It's just a reminder that I'm still alive.I wish I wasn't.Everything hurts.My mind.My body.Going out in public.It's all getting worse.I'm getting ready to just fuck it all.Just stand up and let it all go.I might not be quite ready but I'm pretty sure I'm getting close.I'm about to go and I hate to say that.I really do but no forest nor no beautiful area can bring me back.I don't want to see anymore of this fucked up world.I thought 2014 was bad...I'd say 2017 is my most fucked up year.I'm seriously thinking about ending the era.

Dear Whoever

 I don't know what's going on with me anymore...I don't know how to feel about anything.I don't know if I'm angry or depressed.Day by day I just go through it.Not doing much but the same things over and over.

 

I feel like I'm sleepwalking down the same dark road.The one I've come to be familiar with.It starts with feeling alone.Then I actually want to be alone.

 

I loose loss of interests.Just want to lay in bed for most of the day.Everything otherwise just seems too much.All of it is just too much for me.

 

I'm tired but this time I actually mean it.I'm tired of trying to lose weight.I'm tired of trying to deal with my anxiety with working.I'm tired of having to have money to be of value.I'm tired of dealing with depression.

 

Everyday it gets a little worse.I don't know how to deal with this anymore.It's everywhere I go.In everything I do.I don't know how to stop it.

 

If anyone could stop it please do.It's so bad that I don't even know how to explain it.It's out of words.It's so much more that I can't even try to make you understand.

 

It's a war.More with food than anything.I can't even think about food without feeling guilty.But it's worse now.I'm afraid that I'm binging now.Something that I would never do in a million years.

 

I'm so huge right now.I just don't want to get back to what I used to be.I don't even feel comfortable wearing normal clothes.I wear big t-shirts all over the place.I won't even leave my house cause I'm so ashamed.

 

I need help.Not like actual help though.I mean like guidence help.Tell me how you stay away from food?Please share with me your own starving ways.How to lose wieght in days.Come on guys?Help me out?

 

No throwing up ways though.I tried it and believe me it never worked for me.Just give me some pointers.You know?Help me how to starve again.Help me be strong willed again to do it.Come on.

 

I just want to be skinny.Nothing makes me more happier than being thin.I want to cry and beat myself up for how far I have fallen.I'm huge.Just make it go away.

 

Make it all go away.Before I do something horrible...Please.

Dear Whoever

I'm not exactly happy with myself at the moment.Last night I got seconds for dinner...I wasn't even hungry anymore.I just can't stop.I can't say no.Sometimes I wonder why I gave up food in the first place.

 

I was so strong back then.I don't know what it was that made me so dedicated to not eating.I just was.Everyday I would push a little harder.Everyday I would wake up thinner.

 

It was like a addiction for me.Arguments all the time with my mom.They all just didn't know what it felt like to not want those carbs dragging you down.I thought food was disgusting and it should never touch my mouth unless I said so.

 

I was 104 and this is no lie.Before this I was 147.I was huge for my age and everyone at school knew it.I had to stop it.I was tired of being fat.I was tired of being single.I was tired of being made fun of.

 

Now I feel exactly the same way that I did back then.Disgusting.If my old best friend Caitlin was here she would have a fit.She's all the way in a different state and she's still skinny.Like the kind that is scary.

 

We all had our scary points though right?Being 104 was pretty small already but in my head I wanted to be thinner.Looking at my self in the mirror back then was amazing.For the first time in my life I actually was satisfied with myself.

 

Now I'm fat and depressed.I have a boyfriend that doesn't even pay attention to me.No friends what so ever.I have no source of income.I'm basically a waste of space.

 

This is going to change though.I'm tired again and have an ich to lose weight.I'm going to do it behind everyone's back this time.I will lie my way out of it.I will not stop for anyone.

 

I will push myself day and night to get back to what I was.I was pretty and hot.Everyone liked me then.I need to get back to that life.And I'm going to do it all by myself.

 

This August I'm going to be signing up for college classes.I will sell stuff online to make cash as well.All summer long I will be working on my body.It needs to be in shape by the time August comes around. 

 

I'm in my prime right now.I should look my best while doing my best.I don't want to be in a small shit town for the rest of my life.I want to be successful and know that I did it all by myself.

 

Everyone will try to get at me again.Everyone will try to be my best friend.But this time it's me myself and I.I've learned very clearly over the past year that everyone is out to get you.

 

There is no such thing as friendship.They just want what you have.Love is a myth.They only want to drag you down with them.Family is a joke.They just want to know what you can buy them next.

 

I'm putting a stop to it.Today embarks a new motive.Me.I'm fixing and focusing on me.Something I have done in a while.No body cared about my feelings or life so why should I do everything in my power to make them happy.

 

They don't love me.Like really true blue love me.I refuse to be a product of this town and the people in it.I choose to fix myself up.Meaning go forth with my life and make something out of my being.

 

When it's finally all over I will be happy.Cause this journey I will be taking is very new to me.I need to start taking care of myself.I need to start treating myself.I need to be by myself and be happy for once.

 

See the thing is I will still help people because I am a good hearted person.I won't let shade get to me.My days of being angry and bitter are over.It's about me now and nothing will get in my way.

 

As for right now.I am taking time relax before I have a wild year ahead of me.It's summer which means you can take a break.Do what makes you happy this summer.Have the time of your life.You deserve it.

Dear Whoever

Journal Entry #18                   10/3/17       6:04pm

      I'm on the edge right now.Every which way I turn the door is slammed.I have no fucking idea what I'm doing.I'm so fucking scared of who I've become.I don't know this person.It's like I lost all my social skills.I have no idea how to make new friends or to keep them.I'm so fucking lonely that I'm running to all the wrong people.I'm a let down and a waste of space.There is no direction for me to go.I fucking hate this.I hate me.I hate living.I hate all the expectations this world wants.I try to keep up with it but I can't anymore.I'm beginning to think I don't belong here.When nothing works it should be a sign right.A sign that I suck.A sign that this could be me giving up.I haven't talked to anybody about these feelings I've been having cause everytime I try to the feelings overwhelm me and I choke.If I can't even talk about how can I express it.I can't.There's just too much emotion.It's taking over me and I'm screaming stop.Everyday.I yell at myself but it doesn't help.It just makes me feel worse.I sit here waiting for help.A oppurtunity.It's hard when people are yelling at you but you can't find anything.I'm pressured for time and I'm stuck in it.I can't breathe most of the time.I've grown silent.I'm dropping weight.I'm mentally there.At my point.The point where suicide is a option.The point that scares everyone.If it doesn't get better and it only gets worse from here....I'm gunna have to take that route.I can't live like this forever.I'm tired of worrying about everything.I'm tired of losing my hair.I'm tired of caring about my weight.I'm tired of dealing with all these personalities that ruin my life.I'm tired of feeling lost.I'm tired of getting abused.I'm tired of being angry.I'm tired of everything.I want to let it all go.It hurts.It hurts so fucking bad.I want to curl up in a ball and be locked somewhere nothing could affect me.Only bad things are put in my way.How am I supposed to be good if there is no good options.I can't make it.I'm falling behind and I just don't understand why me.Why do I have to think like this.What the fuck is wrong with me.What the fuck did I do to deserve this.Cause last time I checked...I didn't ask to be born.If I had a choice I would have stayed nothing.I wanted to be nothing.So why am I here.Just fucking kill me already.What are you doing up there god.Fuck dude at this point I don't even care where I end up on the otherside.Anywhere is better than here.This is actual hell.Nothing is worse than having this brain.Nothing.I'd rather be dead.I mean that.I really want to die.This is not a place for me.I can't be like this.It's killing my soul.It's killing my heart.I'm suffering.No one understands what is going on in my head.I can't talk to anyone without crying.Fucking crying.I can't control it.When I'm at work all I want to do is stab myself multiple times.No one can understand that.I don't even.I need help but everything takes money which I can't get.I don't think I want to do another year of this bullshit.If things don't change soon it's over for me.I can't take it anymore.I really can't.

Dear Whoever

I don't even know where to start.People are trying to shoot up my house now.My boyfriend is treating me like shit again.My family is broken and it is beyond repair.Mine and my sister's bond has faded.

 

I feel more alone now than I ever have in my entire life.I'm still trying to decide out if that's a bad thing or a good one.I'm ignored here.No one notices me.They are all too busy with everyone else to just talk to me.Acknowledge I'm here damn it!

 

I mean I am alive.I have air in my lungs.I have a voice and a life.So why do you all just walk by me like I'm invisible?I know I'm dead inside but I'm still sleepwalking on the outside.

 

That's all I want.Just someone to talk to.I have no one but silence.It's become deafening and I've grown starved for attention.I'm depressed and desperate.I've fallen so far and I can't be reached.

 

I've asked to die.I've prayed to god about it over and over but everything just seems to get worse.I can't tell anyone how I've been feeling because no one will listen.It's not that we don't want to talk about it.It's that no one is listening.Sometimes you just need someone to listen.

 

I have no job.No friends at all.A family that ignores me.I mean that kind of stuff makes you want to go over the edge but still you don't.I don't know why I don't.

 

If there was a breaking point for me it would be now.I thought 2014 was bad but really it was just the beginning.The beginning of a fucked up life.A beginning of no life at all.

 

I'm really drowning over here.I don't know what to do anymore.I don't even think I want to do anything anymore.I kinda just want to sit here and let it take it's course.If I die I die right?

 

I spent so much time telling myself that I didn't want to die.But what if I do.What if I'm tired of fighting.What if I told you I wanted to put a end to it all tonight.Would you listen?Probably not.

 

The truth is that's how more than half of America feels.Wanted to throw their life down.We want to give up cause we know how hard it is to live with the mind we were made with.If I could get a different one maybe things would be different.

 

I want to be normal.I want to be sad over death and breakups.Losing a job.Normal things that you get over.Instead I get my mind.Waking up depressed for no reason at all.Feeling lost and hopeless everyday.

 

I don't feel alive.I havent felt like that at all.I've always felt this sickness.I don't want to compete.I want to go to sleep and never open my eyes again.Does that seem bad?To me it sounds like peace.

 

No one cares about me here.I don't even care about myself.I do reckless things knowing what can possible come of it but I just don't care.I don't care if I die cause I want too.

 

I've spent so long fighting it.Bruises and scars everywhere.I'm tired of it.I don't need help.I need peace.I just want peace.

Dear Whoever

I sit in my room everyday waiting.Waiting for something interesting to happen.Waiting for someone to come and talk to me.Waiting for anything really.

 

Everyday is the same.Like the exact same just different order sometimes.I wake up and I check my socail medias as if I had something waiting for me.I take a shower and then smoke.I return back to my room.

 

I go online or play a video game.Still no contact.I go and smoke again.I watch movies on netflix.I do this everyday.It's my comfort zone I think or maybe it's just me being ignored.

 

I walk around this saken house.You just walk right by me.Like I was nothing.Not even a ghost.

 

I am breathing so that means I am alive.So why does everyone act like I'm not?Why do I feel like I'm dead?Why do I feel the need to harm myself to feel something?

 

I have grown lost.I have started believeing that I am nothing cause you made me feel like I was nothing.Not a hi or a how are you doing.Just nothing.

 

I didn't ask to be here.I wasn't the one who wanted to have sex to have a baby.So if you didn't want me either why am I here?Why did you birth me if you hate me?

 

Was it some sort of sick game to you?Where you so angry at my father that you needed to take it out on someone who looked like him?Why is it that I'm the only one you didn't want out of 4.

 

You love them all.You talk and spend time with them all everyday but me.I'm the one you like to try to fight with.I'm the one you scream at like I'm a stranger.Like I'm not your baby.

 

What did I do that was so wrong?I can't remember.You must know the answers to all of my questions.I mean you do do these things for a reason.There must be a motive.

 

Why do you constantly think I'm a whore?Why do you always fuck with my relationships with guys or friendships with girls?Why do you talk about me behind my back like I'm a worthless piece of trash?Why are you always putting me down and discouraging me?

 

I'm not a whore.I actually believe in self respect.My friends and boyfriends care deeply for me like you should have.I sit in my room all day so what could I have done wrong.I can do these things just like anybody else can.But you wouldn't know that cause you don't even know me.

 

You know the person you have made up.Just so you have something to talk about with your fucked up family.You don't know me at all.You never cared too.

 

Or maybe it's becuase your all of those things you said I was.You know your the whore.You had more one night stands than anybody I know.You have no friends or boyfriends that will stay with you so you have to fuck everyone else's up.Your the worthless piece of trash that your mom had created.Let's be honest your just like her.You always put me down cause I have what it takes and you don't.

 

So stop with the bullshit.Your fake to me just like your family is.None of them cared about me just like you.I was the odd one everyone talked about.I'm the highlight of all your lives cause none of you have your own.

 

So when I do die please don't say anything at my funneral if I even have one.We all know it's fake.

Dear Whoever

I loved you my dear sister.I was always there when you needed me.I always had your back no matter what.Your my sister and best friend why wouldn't I.

 

We were so close I thought.But recently I feel far away from you.We are growing up I know.Sometimes people grow apart whether we like it or not.But from my sister I couldn't imagine.

 

Your the one person I thought I could tell everything too.Now I feel I can't tell you anything.Not cause you would tell others but because you don't really care.You may ask and say you do but I know we are not on the same page.

 

Your all about boys which you should be.I'm not saying your a whore cause your not.Your normal and human.You just fall head over heels for anybody that come your way friends or boyfriends.

 

I guess I was a little jealous.Not of you but of your time.When there's no one to hang out with I'm your last resort.I put you first before anyone.You know that but I guess your not the same.

 

You always chose everyone else over me and it wasn't fair.Our sisterhood has always been unfair.I have always put my needs and wants on the back burner for you.And I know what you would say to this.You would say so that's not my fault she did that.I didn't tell her to.

 

No you never told me to put my clothes back so you could get that random 44 dollared top on my dime.You never told me to fade in the back of your relationships.You also never told me to put you first in everything I do but I did cause I love you.

 

You never noticed anything though.You never noticed how unwanted I felt all the time by you.You never noticed how unhappy I was when I made a desicion to make you smile.You never noticed me because you didn't care too.

 

Life was about you.Never me or me and you.I built my life around you and I probably shouldn't have done that.As long as you were happy right?As long as you got what you wanted it didn't matter who you were hurting in the process.

 

I came in the room other day when you were talking with mom.I asked what you guys were talking about and you didn't say anything.What happened to telling me everything huh?The women that you claim to hate you tell but not me.

 

I wasn't hurt by it.I was just hurt that everyone looked at me like I was trash in that moment.Like I wasn't good enough to know what y'all were talking about.But I kinda already heard.You have to be a little smarter than that sister.

 

I know your planning to leave somewhere with a boy.Just fuck me right.Fuck our plans.Fuck everything that we've talked about going to live together.I'm not even disappointed though sister.I'm not a boy or a friend.I know I'm meaningless to you.

 

I know I'm just there when no one else is.I know I'm just a money and pot machine to you.I know that I'm used.I just take advantage of it cause it's better than nothing.How sad.

 

Well let me tell you something baby sister.I'm dying inside.I'm harming myself and crying all the time.I hate who I am and am constantly starveing myself.I know that's not your problem but I would have cared if you were doing these things.

 

Pretty sad that I can't tell you that I want to kill myself cause I know you won't care.You'll just be another person sitting at my funneral.Pretending to care.Just like everybody else who left me unnoticed.

Dear Whoever

Today I have officially starved for two days.I can honestly say it feels a lot harder than it looks.I feel like I have the flu but on a good note I don't want food.Like at all.It's kinda weird.

 

I don't know if it's because I'm finally determind or if I'm just really depressed.So much is going on right now and it's out of my hands.I think it was perfect timing for all this shit to happen.Now I can finally control something.

 

See my sister thinks she can move to vegas with her not even boyfriend and everything will be okay.I never left her here in this hell for one minute.We were supposed to get out together but of course I'm not invited.I just can't believe I actually thought she cared about me.It's plain to see she is just like them.

 

So I'm left here again.Always being put on the back burner.Everything just seems so far away and impossible.But I know if I keep it up I won't get no where and just let the world swallow me whole.

 

I've been fucked over enough.I won't let life do the same.I'm going to go forth with my life.Do the things I said I was going to do.If stephen wants to be with me he's just gunna have to change.He's gunna have to do it my way.

 

But I know no one can put up with me for too long.I told him one more chance.If he fucks up again I'm gone for good.I mean it this time.My birthday is in two months and I'm changing for my future.

 

I've decided since everyone has their own agenda now so do I.I'm going to leave now without any distractions.I won't look back.I will live my own life the way I want to.The way it should be.

 

I don't need no man to be with me while I do it either.I have my dogs and money.I'll just be that success story in my family.The only difference is that I did it by myself and I'm not sharing.

 

Lately I've been on some fuck people shit.Everyone is bullshit.Everything they say and do is bullshit.I'm going to become the coldest bitch you know.The world did that to me.Humans did that to me.

 

Fuck you and your life.I'm livin mine and having fun.With no worries or drama.Just me and my animals in our own house.Under our own rules.

 

Now that sounds like the life to me! 

 

 

Dear Whoever

Journal Entry #23          10/25/17      3:38pm
   

I wish I died in that car accident.I can't help it.I don't want to be here.I thought it made me motivated but here I am again.Everytime I try I get knocked down.Like the world is denying me.There's nothing here for me so why didn't you take me god?I wanted to go.Was that another one of your fucked up pranks?I don't understand any of this.I'm too dumb for this world.Everyone seems to get it but me.I see all these stupid people getting out there and life just hands them everything.What about me?Don't I deserve to have nice things?To go out.To have money to do things I like.What am I doing wrong.Someone please just tell me cause it hurts so god damn bad.It hurts to not fit in anywhere.I can't fit in with friends.I can't fit in with family.I can't even fit in to the work life.So tell me god where do I fit in.Cause I don't think it's here.I'm beginning to think I don't belong anywhere.I'm stressed to the max and I can't sleep worth shit.I don't know what's wrong with me.I get so frustrated sometimes that I just wanna slam my head down a thousand times until I'm normal or at least think straight.It sucks to be me.I don't even know myself anymore.I'm lonely and socail anxiety at the same time.If I do sign up for college would I even go.Let alone make it.Would if I do but I'm still not happy.I just want to feel okay.Not even completely happy just okay.I'm tired already.I'm not sure if pushing myself is the right thing.Everyone says just do it.Don't think.But I did that when I was working at McDonalds.I hated it.I hated the people.I would rather die than work there at one point.Now I can't even put in a application without flipping out.There's something wrong with me.I need help or medication.I'm tired of dealing with this all by myself.It's too much for me.Too much stress on my body and mental state.Just thinking about my issues makes me choke up.My head starts hurting and then I get violent to myself.I don't know how to deal with it anymore.I'm not in control of anything.Sometimes I can't even breathe.Everything hurts.It's not worth pushing through for me sometimes.It makes me second guess my life everyday.Yeah i smoke but you know it goes away so fast and then I'm back at square one.I drink but god it's exspensive for someone who doesn't have a job.I'm so poor that I haven't bought anything new since god knows how long.I've been using the same shaver since the beginning of 2017.I eat off of food stamps and most of the time I don't get to eat it cause everyone else gets to it before I can.I don't have anything and everyone knows I'm not going to ask.Even if I did it would be a big deal.I try to find a job but no one is serious.I want to go to college just to do something but no one ever has time to help me sign up.I don't know what I' doing or what's going to happen to me but god I hope it ends soon.

Dear Whoever

 I'm not really sure what to say.That's what's been happening lately.It's like I have too much to say that I just don't know how to.I'm stuck just thinking it instead of saying it.

 

My boyfriend is still the same.Still buying stolen things for me instead of buying them brand new.I haven't gotten a ring yet like he said he would.I'm still being ignored and argued with.

 

My sister is still planning on leaving.What she doesn't know is that in 3 months when she comes back for me I won't be here waiting like a dog.She made her choice and now it's time to make mine.

 

I don't know where I'll go.I have a few thoughts on it but nothing is settled.In a way I guess it's a good thing that my sister has decided to leave me.I can finally go and do what I want.No one there to judge me.Atleast not up in my face.

 

I was thinking Colorado.Or just somewhere not hot like this god forsaken desert.Moving to Vegas would be like staying here.I'm ready for a new location.A new life entirely.

 

Or I might go to Washington where my nephew is going.The only thing stopping me is those people who take care of him.They have screwed me up so bad that at one point I didn't want to live.I still don't because I'm here with them.

 

Or I could stay in Cali.I love this place.No other place has the beaches that we do.California is all I've ever kown and maybe I'm not ready to leave it.

 

I just get so scared that if I take Stephen away from all this scum he might not change in anyway.That's all I want him to do.I just want a real relationship.The in love kind.The kind that you can't live without.

 

This summer I really should be getting a job and saveing.But I think I should just take it to relax again.You know before August comes around.That's when my life offically starts.

 

Come August I'll be in college working for whatever I'm interested in.There they will help me find a good job that is perfect for me.Then I can start my clothing line and be set.College is where it is at.

 

I even want to start my own blog.Would you guys like that?Would I even be any good at it?Who knows until you try right.

 

I'm just going to be focusing on me.No one else but me.I'm going to be 21 soon and have nothing on the ball for me.That is just going to have to change.I need to progress or just die.Don't want to die so I'm going to make moves.

 

It's time to stop being a child.I'm an adult now and need to take adult actions.I hope this motivates some of you too!I never got that.

 

 

Dear Whoever

 All you can eat is a hashbrown.Just one hashbrown from Jack in the box or Mcdonald's.If your on the bigger side you can have two but that's it.To drink you can have something sweet or if you perfer water that's even better.

 

Keep yourself busy!Exercising, writing, running, hangingout with friends, anything to keep you away from that fridge.I just go out away from the house alot.Maybe you should try that too.

 

Find somewhere to get motivation!A picture of your favorite skinny model or singer would do.Or you can go on google and look up skinny girls tumblr.Works everytime.

 

If you can push yourself all the way to the end of the day congradulations you've made it one day.How do you feel?Horrible?That just means it's working.Slowly but surely you will be pretty and thin.Just wait!

 

You could also motivate each other.Meaning your friends that are trying to do the same thing.It works even better when you both are trying to get to the same goal.Help each other and the results will be everything.

 

Once you've got it down, here's where people start to notice.They will talk about you or to you about it.Don't let them stop you!They are just jealous that your strong and can control your own weight.

 

Everyone who tries to stop you is fat themselves.Remember that!This is your life.If you want to be skinny that's your choice.Don't let others make your decisions for your life cause in the end you won't be happy they will. 

 

I don't recommend throwing up.But if it works for it works for you.I on the other hand find this way easier for me.I never did make myself throw up.So why should you?

 

Lie and deny!Tell everyone you've been working out.If you get caught up just deny it.It's your word against theirs.Fuck them all who have an opinion.

 

Sooner or later you'll have to wing yourself off of all food together.Don't worry if you've made it this far it'll be easy.It'll be like nothing and sooner or later you'll feel nothing.Yes that's right no hunger pains anymore.

 

Once you've done that you can start buliding your own feeding schedule.Meaning when you can eat and which days you starve.

Dear Whoever

 The world is probably crueler than you thought.It's run by nothing but what society has made popular.You don't have money your not worth shit!You don't have a manison with nice wips somewhere your a bum!You single but not poppin you gay!

 

Your not pretty enough or skinny enough so you starve to get that perfect body everyone thinks is bomb.You dye and cut your hair a certain way.You workout and push yourself to be the american dream.

 

For what?Don't say it's cause that's who you are!You know it's a lie.You think your well liked but it's the person you pretend to be.They don't like the chill reading books all day type.They love the fake you that posts snaps on what you got.

 

Stop trying to get attention from people that don't give a damn about the real you.In reality they only care about themselves and money.When you flawnt that just gives them a reason to steal from you.

 

It's sad to say but the world is fucked up.Yes we all know that.So what you need to do is make the best of it.Don't sit and dwell cause that's when you drown.They want money so make it.Or you will never make it.

 

Sad but it's true.Make it your life.Make it to where no one else can follow your lifestyle.Be that rich person that gives out hundreds to the poor.Be the person that is comfortable with who you are and what you look like.

 

Remember that happiness in yourself is key to surviving this fucked world.Do what you feel is right.Be kind and stay to yourself.You will find in the end that it was less stressful for you.And never ever forget to be yourself!

 

People like you more when you are honest.When you don't steal what is not yours.They will remember the one that gave not took.The one that was a kind to everyone no matter what.Now that is a true blessing. 

 

     

Dear Whoever

 So next Monday we are going down the hill.I have to look my absolute best.So yesterday was a cheat day for me but today is where I start my 4 day starving period.The fifth day will be Monday and I can eat finally at a place called Hometown Buffet.

 

It'll be a reward.But tuesday I have to start again.Can't let myself get out of control again.I don't want to be fat.I don't want to be thick.So I will starve to be my best self.

 

Yeah so other than that there's nothing new.That's the only thing to be looking forward to in my life right now.I can't wait to but my lips on some homemade hashbrowns.For some reason I've been obsessed with them lately. 

 

Then there's college sign ups in August.Have to get ready for that as well.I'm pretty excited about it too.This whole summer I haven't done anything to progress.This will give me a reason to get out of bed and something to do.

 

I have great worth ethic.So I should put this brain to work instead of laying around like a dirty pig.I've giving up on finding a shitty job.They all suck, so why should I be uncomfortable for people who don't treat you with respect.

 

I'm going to do my own work.I won't have to put myself through the anxiety this way.I will be comfortable doing my own thing.I have too many dreams to ust not work on them.

 

Then from there I don't really know where I'll be or what I'll be doing.All I know is wherever I am I will be working on me.A better me that is.Sure I might get tired but I want this for myself because it makes me happy.

 

I might even bounce around.Maybe travle here and there.I think it might be easier for me to find somewhere I like.I have problems finding a place to live where I am most comfortable.Need a place that feels like home to me. 

 

Everyone has left me on the back burner.Everyone has left me behind.Not anymore.Now it's all of your turn to be put to the side.Maybe It's time for me to spread my own wings and follow my own map.Without the stress and drama from you all.

 

I'm tired of seeing the same streets.I'm tired of all the bullshit these people put me through.I'm ready to go!I don't know where but anywhere is better than here. 

 

 

Dear Whoever

 Journal Entry #5           6/28/17                  10:32am

 

      I still haven't got this eating thing down.Why can't I say no to food!!!I find myself eating stupid things when I'm not supposed to eat at all.I got myself to the point that I can go for one day and then the second I don't know what happens.It's like I feel so good about starving the day before that I reward myself with fries and then I just get out of control.I want to go back to the days when I could not eat for a week and still feel great.Those days when I could say no to any kind of food.The day when I was paper thin.Yeah I miss those days so much.Now they just seem so far away that sometimes I wonder if it was even real.I'm so far away from where I used to be.I just know it.I mean I look it.That's why I'm so afraid of stepping on a scale.It's gunna tell me something like 145.That's how much I feel...I want to be skinny.I want to be recongized for how small I am.It's so hard now.My mind isn't as strong as it used to be.But I really have to stop downing.I need to push harder before it's too late.I need to eat less calories when I do eat.I need to hold off on the exercising until I feel great.I need to start off hard.Today I will start the mean course and no butts about it.Just need to stay focused and know what you want.I will starve until I forget that I haven't eaten in a while.Until I see changes.Big changes.I'm 19 now and I kinda got this new fuck you attitude.If you ask me I think I like myself better this way.I will not let anyone push me into eating.This time I don't care what anyone says I'm doing it for me now.To make me feel happy again.Everything this year is going to be about me myself and I.Fuck the friends I don't need them.Fuck the public.Fuck family.Fuck relationships.Just focus on a better me.I will feel better about getting a small job.I will feel better about taking photos.Feel better about visiting relatives.Feel better about myself in general.Possibly become a blogger about life and have a talk radio with my sister.Or become a model and design my own line one day.Either which way I go I will make sure that I don't have any spare time to eat or see family.Then I'll finally leave them all behind and start the good life.

Dear Whoever

Journal Enrty #2                  6/13/17              8:43am

 

      I came to the conclusion that I should just stop looking for someone to love me cause it's never going to happen.They say they love you but how am I supposed to believe that.Everytime you leave the house my mind goes crazy.All I think about is everything going wrong.I can't control my thoughts and most of the time they have me down.And with all these relationship problems it doesn't help that I have to cope with not drinking anymore.I tell myself all the time that I'm gunna try a couple sips just to see what happens but in the end I know I'm scared to feel that way again.The pain was horrible last time.But who can live without another sip of liquor?I'm only 19...I shouldn't have a possible ulcer...And then there's the thing with my weight.I can't seem to stop my self from munching on stupid stuff.I used to have it on lock.I could go for a whole week without eating back then.Then I stopped for some odd reason.Got Fat!Now I'm here still having issues.But this time I can't even go for one day.Looking at myself in the mirror makes me furious.I just want to higher a bunch of people to beat me up for the weight gained.But I feel magic today.Like today will actually be the first day that I will not eat.Once I'm past the first day all the rest will be a breeze.Model body here I come!I'm gunna start working really hard at it.I just need stuff to do to take my mind off of it.Like shopping or going to concerts.Just fun things so I won't want to eat.I need to blow pictures up of all my idles to keep my mind straight.I need to get a small job or something to do all these things.I need to get back up starting with a harsh diet to make me feel better about going out.Spend more time with my animals.Maybe get a new puppy...I don't know...I just need my entire time tookin up by activities so there will be no time for stupid relationships and eating.I need to go back to the old me.The rude,loner,and party animal kind of girl.I'm older now and have the means to go to big functions.Back to the Amy that felt good about herself.The 104 Amy.The Amy that everyone worried about.The Amy that gave no fucks.Atleast I felt good about myself for once.

Dear Whoever

 GOODBYE PART 1-

 

 

     I understand that some of you have serious issues.I also understand that we do crazy things becuase of those issues.It may or may not have to do with family but mine did.Your issues may be deeper than anyone had expected.

 

You can't change who you are.Believe me I've tried.The person and soul you were born with is who you are forever.Ain't no changing that.I'm sorry.

 

The brain is a fragile thing.That's why it protects us from certain things that had to happen.It's a proven fact that our brain shuts things out without us even knowing.It does it so we won't loose our shit.It's all part of human nature.

 

These things that it blocks out could be things that scare you or something that was so traumatizing.If you ever figure out the things it had blocked out it might surprise you.It really means that you were too weak to handle that part in your life.When it comes up that means your ready to remember it.

 

Think of it as your brain doing you a favor.It's like a parent that tries to keep your mind pure as possible.But then there is that one day.That one day that they can no longer protect you because you are old enough.In this case it's strong enough.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is your all strong enough in your own way.Whether you believe that or not, it's true.One day you will be ready for anything that comes your way.Not because you force yourself too but because you were born for this.

 

You've made it to the end time of my book!Congratulations for having the stomach too.I know your head must be sworming with questions.I know this but don't worry I'll make another Inside.You'll get to read on front row seat of my life.

 

In the next book I will be a bit more personal with you all.I can't explain how.You just have to read to fine out what I mean.I just know and can tell you that it will be better than the first book.

 

Telling you all about where everyone ends up.Where I end up.Who I end up with.All the little details will be in the next book.

 

Just stay true to yourself and no one can hurt you.Yes this is my advice to all for the up coming year.Stay to yourself and keep your life lowkey.You'll find this pretty useful.

 

As for those who were interested in my writing about starving,keep it up.I don't encourage it but I know it feels good to know other's have the problem.If your interested in reading more about it,I could make a special passage for you.Just inbox me privately with one word "Special" and I will keep you in mind.

 

That's right no one has to know.Swear I can keep a secret and help you at the same time.Just reach out to me.There's no shame.Trust me.

 

Other's who are going through other things that are quite serious,just hit me up.I don't have to talk.I have you know that I'm a pretty good listener.I'm here and won't say a damn word.

 

You got that everyone!?!?I am here for you.Tell me what keeps you up at night.What's causeing those scars.What your afraid of.Even some of your dreams.I am here all the time. 

Dear Whoever

GOODBYE PART 2-

 

 

I hope you all can take something from this book in a real way.I also hope you were touched by it.I would have been.But like every story, it has to come to an end.

 

Goodbye's have never really been my thing.I just end up crying alot and never really say goodbye.The people I've lost and the pets that I've lost,I still think about them everyday.I still cry and want them back.

 

But that's not the case here is it.I'm saying I'll see you all again.Not goodbye.Goodbye's are for people that you will never see again.

 

2019 is coming up.Yes it's months away but time flies right over your head.You need to be ready for it.It's ready for you to grasp it with two hands and control it.Turn it into what you want.

 

2019 is supposed to be the year where everything changes for the better.I'm not talkin bout that shit new year new me.I'm talking bout being successful.That's what it's about.Success.

 

It's all there in front of you.Great oppurtunities one after another.It's time to get up and be something for you.Don't do it for anybody else but yourself.All you gotta do it make the chose and grab it!.

 

So there that's my advice and my farewell.I want to send you off with good vibes about yourself.You can do it even if you feel like you can't you can.Life won't throw anything that you couldn't handle at you.Be strong and make the chose.Take it!

 

What are you waiting for?

Impressum

Tag der Veröffentlichung: 12.02.2018

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