chapter 1

"So is there something more?"

Ky shrugged his shoulders and said, "Something more as in what?" "I mean we have college soon."

"Yes I know, you go out of state, I go to community." I hated when he brought it up, I wanted too enjoy our last moments together and he was totally fucking it up.

 

"And I won't be there with you, you know that? You realize we're gonna be apart in less than a few weeks? 

"I know that smart ass. After what 3 years being together almost everyday? I'm talking about alien life forms and shit." 

Me and him met in freshman year. When I was walking through the halls lost as ever, the typical weirdo loner although despite what people thought, I was a loner by choice.

 

I was antisocial and a introvert and I read Fyodor Dostoevsky for fun. We graduated early and we spent three good years together.

 

Even when he announced he wasn't going to be going to community like he promised me all those years back. He had made up his mind to get out of town and do something more exciting. I of course was all but thrilled. 

 

What would I do without him? 

Ky looked at me with a quizzical look spelled out on his features.

 

"And shit huh? I hope that's not what goes through that head of yours."

Then when his lips parted and I saw his Adam's apples bulge against the nape of his neck, I started laughing right along with him.

 

"Maybe, I told him, with a cheeky grin.

Ky was my soulmate, platonic of course.

But he was still everything in my life that actually mattered.

He had never had a girlfriend because he was gay. And i was a lesbian. So i guess it worked out. 

 

He said he was asexual but I knew he knew that asexual means you don't want intimate stuff like intercourse, but being in a relationship was okay.

So because of that i was still trying to work out what he meant.

 

"So something more, he repeated. Maybe there is, some believe in reincarnation."

I burst into a giggle fit again and i tried desperately to stop so i could speak words that could be comprehended. 

 

"Imagine, i said as I spoke through my laughter, "if you were reincarnated as a cockroach." "I mean a cockroach Ky.

Oh you abused your wife... You're gonna be reincarnated as one of the most disgusting creatures on the entire planet."

Ky, Ky, I spoke fervently as I was laughing so hard I was now in tears, "A cockroach."

 

 Ky was laughing too but I knew for some reason that I could never get out of him just like many other secrets, that he preferred to watch me enjoy the moment, instead of enjoying the moment himself.

But he did once tell me, it was because of the way the skin crinkled around my eyes and forehead when I was really laughing. 

 

He said my eyes always flashed gray and even if people thought when my eyes went from pale blue/gray to fully gray that I was mad, it was the complete opposite.

 

He said if my eyes turned gray I wasn't depressed i was happy.

Which in turn I said was good because I was always depressed and anxious. 

 

chapter 2

 

“I have to go home, Ky told me.

But you’re 18. I said, my heart sinking deep into the bottom of my stomach, resting right alongside my small and large intestines. I felt them twist and turn in the unknown.

My mom doesn’t like me out too much at night, anymore.

Not since, he paused and cleared his throat, not since it happened.

 

I understand but I’m 16 and my mother could honestly care less about my whereabouts.

As long as you show up home eventually?

Yea of course, then she’ll call the cops.

Alright, he said. He stood up and let his half dead cig slip through his pale fingers and hit the asphalt.

 

He used his boot to stomp out the still lit flame and he waved goodbye as he started walking in the direction of home.

Good thing we didn’t live to far away from each other.

Otherwise i would move into the shed in his backyard.

And if you think that makes me sound obsessed with him, i’m really not.

I’m always paranoid something is going to happen. Something we couldn’t control the first time and now I was hoping if god forbid it were to happen again, we could.

 

Truth be told, if something happened to Ky, something would happen to me.

We were connected and that was a bad thing sometimes.

If he felt pain i felt it too.

If he was happy, well you get the jist of it.

 

I stayed around a while, at our spot in the hobo woods behind the courthouse.

They were hobo woods because it was where all of the town's homeless went for shelter, some had even built semi permanent structures of trash materials like rock sheeting and tarps.

 

Although the mayor couldn’t fix the problem of housing and unemployment he at least allowed them to seek shelter in anyway possible, thus even when everyone protested against the hobo village saying it was unhealthy, dirty and dangerous, he let them stay.

 

Pleading he knew what it was like to be trapped in a shitty situation you didn’t really have control over.

Around midnight Charlie hobbled over on his one leg too short, one leg to long limbs and told me it was nearing midnight.

 

“Better hurry on home kid, don’t want something to happen to my favorite citizen.”

I smiled at him, nodding, I slipped my hoodie on over my head and when my head came back through the opening, he was gone.

 

Back into the woods, into hobotown, to spend the rest of the night in a drunken stupor.

Then to wake up and have not much of an option for a life.

No jobs or work and he said his family had disowned him, due to him having wanted to cut off from the amish community.

So i helped charlie as much as my small, pitiful paycheck allowed.

 

I helped the others too but charlie was my favorite.

He had always been.

chapter 3

 

I walked home, closer to the new day then I wanted. But i stayed longer just in case Ky decided to slip out and come back to me.

 

He was an adult but his mother controlled him like Hitler controlled the Jews. He had freedom but what little there was, wasn't much of anything.

 

When I finally entered through the back garage door it was 1 in the morning and my stomach screamed out of hunger.

 

I knew my mother was probably asleep on the couch in the living room, meaning i would have to wait to take care of my needs.

 

It was nearing the end of summer. College would be here soon before we knew it and then how long until i saw ky again?

 

Would he remember me or forget?

Would he finally find someone?

Or would he wait for me like i was going to wait for him.

 

I closed the door to my bedroom, sliding into bed pulling out my tablet where I checked my emails and saw I had one unread message from someone named Dennis Wilder.

It scared me at first to be honest but...

I finished my snack before I decided to stop being a coward and just reply.

I put the plate on my dresser and folded a napkin over it.

 

The message read, 'Hello my name is Dennis from the local community college I heard you were applying.

 

I am looking forward to meeting you in the next month and I hope you choose to stay with us, throughout your educational journey. If you would like we could meet up for coffee at the omnivore restaurant to talk further about your degree plan.'

 

When I finished reading through the message I had big bright alarm bells pounding in my mind.
It wasn't too suspicious.

Not at first.

 

But what really clipped my wings was when I realized why would this Dennis guy ask to meet over coffee at a diner nowhere near the college.

 

Omnivore was  far far away from the campus.

It wasn't even that well known of a place and I knew hardly anyone knew it was there.

That it even existed.

 

If he really wanted to speak with me we could do it on site.

Coffee with a campus worker seemed suspicious.

This was too real.

Was it happening all over again?

 

Before I started to panic and shut down my mind and body I knew I had to message Ky. Tell him what was happening.

 

Tell him five million hammers were beating down on my body.
The body I had only just begun to heal and cleanse.

 

I clicked new message and wrote, 'Ky I just opened my email and saw someone messaged me asking for coffee to talk about college!'

 

I hit send and he didn't email back until I had already crawled into bed and had the covers pulled up close to my chin, swathed in warm. 

 

When the buzz went off alerting me of new emails, I sat up in bed, cracking my head on the bunk above me. It had caught me off guard, that little buzzing noise as I had been half asleep but when I fully woke up I knew it was only Ky messaging back.

 

'I'll go with you, but don't go by yourself. And you might wanna be on guard for the next couple of days. Maybe it's him, I don't know.'
'I want to though. That bastard deserves to burn in hell.'
But you want to go to hell. You wanna be there with him?

 

There was my best friend again. Showing his humor thank God. He was in a good mood, his mom must have taken sleeping meds to aid falling asleep.

 

Come to my place, he emailed back seconds later.

 

I didn't need any more convincing. I went back into the mudroom in the garage, grabbed shoes and a hoodie.

 

Then I was all but running towards his house.

I was young, free and madly in love
In love of course with someone I shouldn't. But wasn't that what teenagers did?

 

CHAPTER 4

 

I pulled off my soaked sneakers and tossed them in the shoe bucket near the door leading into the house. Then i hung up my hoodie and went inside. "Kacey is that you? Its nearly four." My mother's voice rang clear and sharp in the late night air.

Its me mom, sorry, i want to spend as much time with Ky before college starts, i told her. Hoping it would be enough of an explanation to calm her raging thoughts.

"Oh okay, thanks for leaving a note."

She was speaking of the note i had left on her bed, telling her i was staying after school a little later than usual.

"You're welcome, i mumbled. Is it okay if i get a snack? I'll go to bed afterwards.

Of course, i think there's some turkey and cheese, make me a sandwich too please.

Okay mom, I'll be there in a few minutes.

I watched her retreating back as she went down the hall to her bedroom, satisfied she had stayed up long enough to ensure i was going to return home safe and out of harm's reach.

 

I made two sandwiches, pimento and cheese on toasted bread and a turkey, cheddar sandwich on rye for her.

I spread the mayo evenly and closed the two halves together, then i poured glasses of water and carried them on a larger plate to her bedroom.

 

I didn't bother to knock or announce my presence.

In my house that wasn't something we did.

It had always just been me and my mom.

And she didn't really go into my room anyways.

 

We had established our boundaries. And we respected them.

 

I found her reading a book in bed, her auburn hair spread out around her, uncombed. She had one of her nightshirts on. And her cow slippers on her feet.

 

"I made your sandwich, I announced, in case she hadn't realized i had walked into the room.

"Thanks honey, leave the plate on the bed please

I'll see you in the morning okay? I said.

Okay she replied.

 

I took my second sandwich to my room a door down from hers and started eating it.

It was good and the cheese tasted unusually better than it should have.

We didn't buy the real pimento cheese, we bought the cheap stuff.

chapter 5

 

The next morning found me puking my guts into the toilet. I felt pregnant and bloated but i knew what it was or at least i had a good idea.

When i was done i wiped my mouth with my shirt sleeve and lumbered into the kitchen finding mom's note telling me she went to work on a Saturday.

 

Question marks hung above my head, making me wonder where she went every weekend. This wasn't new, it had been going on for what seemed like decades.

I threw the container of pimento cheese spread into the trash, taking my foot off the lever and letting the lid slam shut.

 

I wanted normalcy.

Where mothers didn't lurk off to unknown lovers and best friends didn't have bat shit parents who despite being of legal age still had a tight leash on their kids and i wanted for myself, to not feel like i was trapped in a balloon, the plastic rubbery material stretching against my flailing limbs but retreating back each time, trapping me, making me lose my breath. Making me feel like losing control of everything.

Of everyone.

 

I didn't know what i was going to do today. I never did, even during school days i didn't know.

It was pouring rain by the time I had finished making breakfast. Although it was just some oatmeal and a piece of fruit, nothing special, even though everyone told me i was a marvelous cook. Their was so much housework to do, laundry, vacuuming, the mountain upon mountain of dishes stacked high in the kitchen and the bedrooms.

I was glad it was Saturday, being that if it was a day of the week, i was sure my heart would have stopped.

 

I started vacuuming first, running the old cranky machine across the carpet, occasionally snagging on large debris like food wrappers. When that happened i was forced to bend down and individually pick them up and toss them in the trash.

 

I was dizzy hauling the vacuum up the stairs and i was puking again by the time i hit the third floor attic room. I was only so lucky that my father had installed a half bath up there for guests and friends before he decided suicide was his only way out, from my crazy mother.

 

My mom was a whore, straight forward a stripper too. She did it for the money she always told me, that one time i caught her in bed with someone i knew from my highschool.

 

The cops would have given her time for illegal conduct with a minor.

That obviously didn't hinder her from doong what she wanted.

And i knew she didn't get paid for that day.

I knew she was missing my dad.

 

I was missing him too but i wasn't being a selfious brat about it.

 

Ky came over after i didn't answer his skype calls.

He had a key even though i never recalled actually offering him one, although my house was his house and vice versa.

 

"You look sick man, you should take a break." i can't i told him, i have so much to do.

He sort of chuckled, you and i both know your mom couldn't give a single fuck about how clean the house is and i know her clients don't either. As long as they get some.

 

I started to look at him with some sort of why would you say that look on my face before ky clasped his hand to his mouth and realized what he had said.

 

Realized he probably shouldn't have said it. I'm so sorry! I wasn't even thinking, god i'm such an idiot.
It's okay i hate her too, I told him shaking my head.

 

Then ky was pulling me to his chest and i was letting all of my emotions flow out into his chest. He smelled of vanilla and burnt cigarettes and sweat.

 

It smelled like home.

He was home, I reminded myself.
It made me smile.

 

chapter 6

 

So ky told me later when we were snuggled up next to each other in my twin sized bed. Have you heard anymore from this dennis guy?

No i haven't, but i was thinking maybe he is just being friendly.

It doesn't seem too harmful, suspicious sure but maybe he really is just wanting to talk.

Yea talk and then murder you in his car before..." he traileld off.
"You should have finished saying it.

 

"Yea i know but look. I wouldn't go if i was you. You barely have enough strength to vacuum, let alone fight off someone who wants to hurt you.

Please i pleaded. I'm bored and i want to know more about the writing programs they have to offer.

Ky shook his head, and i knew there was no point in begging.

 

Yet i tried anyways, go with me then. Dont you want to get away at least for an hour? I mean it could be fun.

 

Whats fun about some creepy old guy with sagging balls and a receding hairline? He could be a perv for all we know."

Then go with me, i said again.

 

"I dont know. Im kind of paranoid. He pulled me close and kissed the top of my head.
I'll go with you i guess, he said after awhile. But, he said putting parthensses on the conjuction, i will beat either your ass or his ass if something happens.

 

Thanks ky! I said exctiedly, almost jumping up in joy but my lurching stomach prohibited me. Ky sitll had his strong arm wrapped around my chest, a small resurance that we had something.

Maybe not a big something but it was still prevalaent.

 

He had his other arm under his head supporting himself.

Ky? What are we going to do, i asked.

My heart dropping, stomach still feeling like it wa going to tighten and my breakfast was going to come up.

 

I dont know, but we'll figure it out babe.

Impressum

Tag der Veröffentlichung: 26.01.2017

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