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.01 His Name Doesn't Matter

He was the first.

Tan skin, small eyes.

Tall and lean and I thought I was in love.

Love at first sight doesn't exist.

I learned that later.

2am Walmart walk and back to his place to watch a movie.

I fell asleep and he stayed awake touching.

I wasn't in love.

I learned not to trust.

I saw him only once more.

.02 Him

Guilt.

I was heavy with guilt but free.

He didn't have to know.

He didn't need to know.

I’m an adult now.

I can lead my life.

I'm 22.

Age is but a number.

.03 Bao part 1

The second showed me patience.

Large hands and a snake wrapped tightly around his arm.

His words and touch came with a contract.

A leash and a promise.

I feel safe and warm.

If only he didn't have to leave.

He’s too good to be true.

Don’t fall for him.

He doesn’t love you, just the gift of pleasure you can give and the security that you won’t leave.

.04 Min part 1

The third was kind.

Broken English and rough hands.

3 am beers and weird egg rolls from an Irish pub.

He tells me of Korea, of his time here in America .

The walk back to the shop keeps me awake, and his hands wandering at 4 to the music of piano at 4am has me coming back more and more.

We’re both lonely.

He isn’t happy either and he’s 31.

Stop looking for happiness in the wrong places.

I don’t learn this lesson.

.05 Jeremy part 1

The fourth doesn't promise me the world.

He comes early, leaves late.

Never stays the night but makes sure to kiss me on the doorstep once more before he disappears.

He's confusing.

But when I call him crying and not knowing what to do, he comes without a second thought.

Beer and warm touches and whispered words of encouragement because he is just a call away.

Happiness is a simple Corona at 1am while being held in someone's arms to forget the pain he has caused.

Thank you.

.06 Goodbye

He catches me.

2 am with Bao, curled up after a long night and enjoying myself.

He yells.

Screams.

Accuses.

I just want to leave.

So I do.

I learned packing your things in a hurry while avoiding being hit is hard.

I forgot my sweater.

Rash decisions aren’t always the best.

.07 Just Stop

No car.

No phone.

Late to work.

Everyone tells me to go apologize and make up.

I can't do that.

I can't be in prison again.

They don't understand.

They won't understand.

Not everyone will understand when you do things to protect yourself.

.08 Rewind

I remember when he first came back into my life.

A father is every kids dream of they never had one.

It was perfect.

We were best friends.

I was 18.

Now I'm 22.

I don't talk to him.

He's ruined me.

He was always proud of the fact I won’t want anyone else in my life but him.

I can't leave the house without thinking he's going to show up on my doorstep.

I just wish I was gone.

.09 Jeremy part 2

He calls me an idiot.

Says I should have left years ago when it all started happening.

He says this over a bottle of wine and fast food chicken.

I hate the distance between us in the bed but I know he's right.

He asks me if he can help and I say no.

I can do it on my own.

I couldn’t do it but I tried.

He cried for me that night.

I’m sorry baby.

.10 Min part 2

He steals me away.

We're both alone on Christmas.

It's been a long year, he says.

He smokes on the balcony of the hotel, looking out to the Gulf.

The bathrobe I'm wearing is too small but warm.

We talked until the sun came up and we had to leave.

I had work that day.

I learn that night that I can't hate him, even after everything I've been through.

I can't hate him, but I don't have to like him.

He reassures that's okay.

I can't thank him enough.

Sometimes you just need to escape.

.11 Jeremy part 3

He says he's missed me.

He's the only one that said he did.

Being drowned in school and work, it's hard to see any of them.

It’s hard to make time for myself.

He missed me though and that set me at ease.

I matter to someone.

I don’t learn until later that it doesn’t matter.

I should only matter to myself.

.12 Bao part 2

He is leaving for a month.

He tells me he'll be back.

He'll message me lots.

Something feels different but I don't mention anything.

I trust him whole heartedly.

He wouldn't lie to me.

It's been 12 days.

I haven't heard anything.

I wonder where he's at.

You don’t matter when you’re not needed.

.13 Bao part 3

I finally heard from the second.

Stole away to Vietnam to see family.

Come back home.

Don’t be selfish.

People need their time too.

.14 Please

Phone is off and I can't stand the voices in my head.

I'm drowning in the deep and it's hard to keep my head above water.

I want to just stop.

I want to just.

Stop.

.15 Let me be happy

Why don't you have a boyfriend?

I do.

I have three.

They're boys that are my friends.

I get affection and time from them.

They care for me and make sure I'm okay.

But Jae that's too much. Don't you worry-

Yes. I worry.

But I don't care.

I’m happy-ish.

.16 No Lesson Learned

You're just using them.

They're using me too.

It's okay, as long as if I get something I want in return.

It’s selfish and ugly

But it’s what I need right now.

Needs and wants are different.

.17 I give up. You win.

Staring at the mirror with the knife in my hand.

It's such an easy decision.

It's so easy to just put it to the skin and press down.

Blood.

I see it.

Let me go.

Wait.

No.

I don’t want this.

.18 Maddie part 1

I'm sorry Maddie.

I didn't want you to see that.

You shouldn't have had to find me like that.

I'm sorry.

Thank you for saving me.

I don’t know how to repay you.

.19 Jeremy part 4

He called me stupid for dropping out of school.

I couldn't bear to tell him what I had done.

I'd be called stupid some more.

Or he'd understand.

I don't want that risk.

I need him here.

People understand more if you tell them the truth.

.20 Maddie part 2

A night out, something we both need

Liqour and dancing

It's nice to forget

It's nice to let go

It's nice to have hands on me

It's nice to know she'll push them away after a bit

I don't have to worry

Even when I'm on the side of the road puking up yesterday's lo mein

Sometimes it's okay to be young

Sometimes it's okay to be a kid again

Thank you for letting me see this

.21 Riko part 1

Darling

That's what he calls me and it sounds nice coming from sweet lips

Even when we're 10 hours apart for the moment

Something seems to click right away

A door opens

I want to see him

He makes me forget about Jeremy

Guilt builds

But I can't seem to mind

People's feelings are at play here

.22 Jeremy part 5

I'll meet you Saturday

I sleep through the meeting

I want to see you

I can't seem to make the time

Why aren't you answering the phone?

I was sleeping

I was fucking worried you dumbass

Do you know how worried I was?

I hope he was worth it.

Fucking whore. It's nasty.

You weren't like this before

Red flags show themselves eventually

I should heed the warning

.23 Jeremy part 6

I'm sorry

I can't apologize enough

I'm always apologizing

He comes to see me

Leaves an hour later

I'm bored

I don't hear from him again

All good things have an end

Wine doesn't solve the problem

But it sure as hell numbs the pain

.24 Riko part 2

Sweet hands pick me up

A warm laugh fills my mind

3 nights in a row I spend with him

Never once he lets go

I know I worry him

At night I let him know that all i need

Is just the warmth he gives

And the gentle love he can provide

And the understanding that I'm hurting

He doesn't ask questions

This is what I needed from the get go

He doesn't care what I did

I don't want to let him go

Some people are too good to be true

But some people are exactly what they portray themselves as

Impressum

Tag der Veröffentlichung: 30.03.2019

Widmung:
To all the boys I've loved and all the friends that have protected me. Thank you.

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