Marry me

-It is best to drive him to the hospital ... I want to do some check-ups. I can’t do anything this way.
-He doesn’t want.
-He doesn 't want, but there is no other way. His condition is deteriorating, you see ?!... I can not sit vacant and looking ...
-He is dying, right?
"If we do not take any measures ... it may be fatal.
-He doesn’t want! ... I promised him to stay .... At home, he wants to be in his room ...
-This is not optional, Mrs Ivanova! .. I am a doctor and I can not take ...
-Enough! And do not increase the tone, please! ... I told you ... I promised him to remain at home. He wants to die in bed, to the books ... do you understand? ...
-If you do not take any action immediately, I can not vouch for anything.
-To ensure ?!... If you ride him to the hospital ... what is your warranty?
-What the hell ... Nothing can be said in such a state ...
-Let it ... ... so let him alone. And he’s waiting for the children to come to see him ...
-Will they come?
-Hardly ... Mira, the bigger daughter will fly, but there is fly… the other morning, Valia ... I do not know about her. She does not correspond to her phone. I sent her a telegram and I do not know ... Will he spend by tomorrow?
- I told you, ma'am ... So, without supervision and without medication, no one can say ... With these two hands, what can I do ?!... And even if I am a magician, there's nothing I can do! ... That’s why, I say again, let me take him immediately, we will put him on oxygen, and we will make infusion ...Nothing will happen by itself alone!
-Oh, Doc ... Please. I’m paying you ... don’t!
-You pay! ... There is no question of payment. I'm still a doctor, ma'am ...!
Now, I want to stay with him ... alone. Go, please!
-Hmm, good job! ...
-Please!
-As you decide ... I would like you to sign that you waiver treatment ... You know ... if something goes wrong…
I will sign ... Then I will call you...
- "... Then "?... when more accurate?
-You give ... to sign ... Then I will pay you, let me just ...
"Yes, ma'am! ... No problem ... Here ... write here that you refuse hospital treatment ... Yes, write that you are his wife ... I'll write that it is not conscious ... Here so ... And the bottom-signature ... date and time ... So, that's right ... right, ma'am ... If you need, call ... If I finished duty, the clinic has always colleagues, no problem ... anytime, you know? ...
-Go, please!
"Yes, just let the bag ... ampoules remain here if you need them ... they are yours ... but you know they are here if I did not come, but some colleagues and syringes ... ... Yes, I go, lady! ... For Now ... so, I say again, if only reflections ... rang! ...
I closed the door.
Locked both locks and set the door-chain.
Only then I realized that I’m doing something ridiculous. Who will come now ... what will it take?
Now I have not a sausage.
I opened the bedroom door quietly. Under the covers, I could hear the heavy breathing, approached on tiptoe, he was asleep.
On his forehead were killed large drops of sweat.
Yellow, furrowed brow.
His hair had become gray, not white, but somehow killed.
"Dead" ... I thought, and itself is startled by this. Crossed myself to be slightly. Pulled the blanket up to his chin.
Let him sleep.
Injections are making him calm, sometimes he’s sleeping for several hours. Then the pain start again.
Two o’clock - after midnight.
Clock hissing as it seemed, piercing through the silence. Approached on tiptoe and I put it in the pocket of my robe.
Let him sleep.
Let him sleep, do a person know… he could wake up better ... At least, Mira to come ... About Valiya I do not know ... just ... I do not believe, she hasn’t called for months, last time she closed me the phone. She says that she is good, she started working in a factory ... and she wanted from us to send money ... And then She hang up the phone ... "Such dotards!..."
That's it.
First left us the bigger – Mira, then- Valya. I was told that Valiya works on the streets… in Cyprus ... but ... I do not believe… These people are such…., give them to speak so ... Their souls are poor. I lit cigarette. I sat on the couch, by habit I reached to put the TV, then I startled. Only for TV now! On his screen was covered by dust, looked haggard and gray. Dust, dust ... The house is in the dust. I am in dust, my hair ... and they like his gray-dead.
God ... what does it matter.
I saw my silhouette in the section window-shop-adult woman, gray. My eyes do not see - dark spots ... only shadows beneath them as black runners.
Lamp glare.
My eyes hurt.
And the head, as if my brain is pulsating straight nights ... What happened? ... Does it matter anymore? Nothing ... never mind. All sinks, sinks ... the whole world seemed to slide down into a pit ... into nothingness.
THEN how will I live? ...
And for what do I live? ... My children are abroad, one has become a whore ... the other marry this ... drunk ... villager. For whom should I live?
Have I lived for someone or …. For what I have lived?
To raise children? ... Yes, I gave birth, bought them apricot puree ... Mira loved as a baby apricot puree ... Valiya ... was fastidious… Baskets, toys ... first teeth. First steps... Valiya reached out… and grabbed book ... All clapped, my father said that his granddaughter would go a learned man ... man!
…
Only now I felt that the clock is in my pocket. I put it on the table in front.
Two hours and twenty-two ... Many couples!
Mira was not ... well ... please get in school couples fleeing hours ... Valiya was more gentle, but what does it matter, God ... what does it matter?!... It is best to lie a little ... at least an hour or ... as… I am tired to death. And if he wakes up? .. and I sleep ... will I hear him? ... Lord, give me some more power ... Then we'll see. I’m tired to sleep ... to sleep ... And the clock tick tick ... what tick !?... measures the time ... What time? ... Time stopped. Everything has stopped. People make apartments, cars, career ... What do they do? ... Do nothing! There are no career, nothing ... Yes, nothing will! Just like this, to go to sleep ... not to wake up ... more to sink to sink, as the whole world ... and I with him .... Deep, deep ...
Is there a God? ...
Even if it is, where is it? ...
And cigarettes are such creepy, bitter, tongue pinch of smoke ... very recently ... how not to smoke? ... Like, what things I think is a sin ...
What is sin? ...
Look-he is dying, I sit in another room and there is nothing I can do ... and the doctor too! - "... In a hospital, he’s shouting" ... And for what? ... Another week with systems and apparatus ... nurse, where for a few dollars to clean up his shit ... Otherwise, no!
Whatever! He asked ... so ... on the bed, to look around in our room ... ... Yes, our room! And Mira, and Valya rolled here ... And here we were making love, and everything here ....
... Let my sweetie, you want at home ...
Quiet, quiet.
Ashtray is full, I must ventilated.
Clean air, strong food ... ... In these various clean air will cure cancer! ... Whatever!
I hope at least Mira to come.
Her German is drunk, I do not know whether he will let her go ...
She married, to get out of here.
... And Out!
Now! - What? ...
Leipzig-edge of the village, a large, neat cottage! ...
She did not say, but I know that he beats her ...
And drink.
And yet-what ?!... Money, money, money ... and Europe, and Germany, and "... it is an ancient culture !..."
Here 's culture and wonder!
I will spew one.
The silence makes me crazy. Middle of the night is, again, and so quiet and scary, every night, every night, I cannot stand, God ... I can’t stand that!
We have been married twenty-seven years…
So many!
And like it was yesterday, but still ... I'm like a bride!
My dress was of pale pink, skirt and blouse ... I thought so I can wear it and then ... And then, finally, there was no "then" ... while I find occasion to wear them, I got pregnant, then it didn’t fit anymore on my stomach and I could never wear it ... So it stayed in the closet, and rays diligently as if someone will preen with it ... And we were young, so young! ... Our life was clear, and he was with some long hair and costumes ... it remained so ... fill, relax, bowed his head ...
There is not suit for the funeral ...
My God, it is sin! Let him be fine ... Hope ... Hope he will raise his head!
Please, God ... For what you are there, in the sky ... why life should be a good title?!... Aren’t here any other sinners?
Cognac.
There is no other in a bar.
Whatever.
Ashtray is full, I still have ... 7 cigarettes. I opened them today ... I smoke much and in the morning my chests hurts and play. Whatever ... Let's play! ... Let’s play to turn in one dance, O Lord, take me with him! ...
Nonsense, hold on! ...
I will not cry, no bending legs!.... not before THAT! ...
Then ... as if!
Mira will not come ... nor Valiya ...
Valiya ... Mom’s little girl! ...
Small children are more to remember…. not that they are more expensive, I do not know ... the bigger grow, caring for the baby ... somehow you forget that they were babies ... and every-thing they are guilty! Broken-doll ... Come on now, who's fault ?!...
My little girl! ...
Whore in Cyprus!
Cheers, children! ...
Your father is dying.
Here it is, in the bedroom, breathe, grind his teeth ... Sink minute by the minute ... Mama drink cognac and the children ... where are they?!...
Nobody.
The clock only.
Hiss, hiss, as viper ...
What sets the time?
I do not have time before me.
Your time? ... May God protects you!
I have not eaten ... I do not know from when. I make him tea and paste ... I do not know from when I'm not ... so sit to eat. Lick the spoons, tea ... He inquired not eating anything ... nothing, nothing eating! ... We married twenty-seven years ... targets twenty-seven years! I know him as my child ... everything ... And I know his moods and bad and smile ... I know his a big, big smile ...
Smoky.
The air was blue, on waves.
I opened the door slowly, not wolfing… we could not change the woodwork ... and squeaking doors and from windows blows wind ... And it's dusty, and how dusty everywhere! ...
I’ll caught myself, to clean, to wipe dust and beat the carpet ... nothing to beat , for whom ?!... I know there is a little more brandy, I will swallow it. Head ... hurts my head, spinning, spinning ... ... and gnawing inside… and with him, what it is? ... When It hurts ... He cries like a child ... Weeping with tears ... injection, then, by grant-sleep ! ... This is the most frightening ... when he is starting to cry. As a child ...
God, why are you punish him?
He has worked all his life, a life for children ... everything! We didn’t go on a break as people-examinations, teachers, then private lessons ...
Well, now, where are the kids?
I smoke a cigarette and get in bed.
The more, the more ...
I will lie down on the earth near him if he wakes -to hear.
He sweet! ...
I do not know how they behave in the hospital. Do they leave them one day. Then bury them not to let something ... a miracle to happen. Mira may come. At least for the funeral ... and now hopefully he will succeed to see her. Four years she did not return. ... Germany's man, had no money for walks, but I know ... he is drunk, so that’s why he doesn’t have money! ... Before she was sharing a phone call and she was crying ... But now, he sure keeps it safe and does not let her! ... and I yelled: "Mother, is not for you! ... Jerry, Jerry ... but see that when he drink and he goes mad…
Wind!
"Mother,she said - I have no future in this country! ... What shall I become a waitress, or shop newspaper ?..."
And she’s right.
Well ... it didn’t happen.
Her man from drinking and children may not have.
Mira said, they have been visiting doctors, and do not know where ... And people say ...
And grandchildren I will not have one day.
Valiya ... at all.
I hope this is not true, Lord, hope it is not true ... ... our one of a known son, he had said "I went to Cyprus, on the highway and I look-Valiya! ... Our Valiya! ... For a handful of coins - so to say, a handful of coins: he made a blowjob in the car !..."
My Valya, blowjob-in-a - car ?!... the TIR s ...? I Do not believe it! ... I do not believe God, do not want to believe it!
Cognac is a strong act ... My head seemed to relax me, do I know ... With him we drank cognac, brandy evening or two, liked to sit so ... both… and he told me for work, for what just happened, how stupid is this nation ... And when it gets in good mood, he was putting tape-click, click, scroll until you find a song ... heard it, smoked a cigarette ... and so… he was not in very companies. Various friends came, until the time came, then they are gone ... Any of a goat-leg! ... Where are your friends now? ... Ah, where are they? I called men of work - it was, what was ... Everyone sees their own ... but still, and people have to be!
Your relatives doesn’t care, that the foreigns will?!...
So is life.
Born alone and alone you go ...
And so I will go.
I did, what did, who will look me? ... Everyone is scattered all over the world, relative is only to the book ... Whatever.
Then, we will see ...
-Emma?
I startled. I put the light off of the cigarette, ie, it threw sparks in the ashtray, jumped under the table and rolled... Whatever.
He was got up his head.
At dusk, his eyes shone like he has been crying.
"Here I am, dear ... Say what you want!
-Nothing.
-How are you? ... Does it hurt?
-Let…. Children what… they will come, right?
"Yes, yes ... They will come! Mira rang and Valiya ... they travel, flights fly ... something ... Mira will only arrive in the morning that something field ... And Valya, she was gone already ... She'll come, I phoned twice ... "I travel, I mean, she shouted" ... She will come!
-Will they come, eh?
"Yes, dear ... They'll come! ... But now you know how it is ... And the airplane, and customs ... They'll come!
He tried to wipe his forehead, raised hand, but refused. There are no forces ... I reached with a towel to his head, slowly and gently absorb the drops, pillow was all wet, sweat, sweat and ... And his voice had become such hoarse, like another:
-I'll try to make it till they come ... Right ?!...A few more hours, a whole day ... I will not, but ...
-What are you talking about?!... now you are gonna be okay, you'll see! ... They’ll come, I tell you ... I called the on the phone, then: "Mother, we travel ... Problems in customs, but we will get ..."
-They’ll get ... Wind! ... Give me water, please!
-Now, dear ... Mineral water, from Devin ... ... For the kidney was, then it helps ...
I lifted his head, I raised him whole, and his body was light and flexible, like brittle. Disease drank him, just skin and bones.
He drank on small sips, then he felt sick him and threw a small on the pillow.
-Here, nothing ... At least for a bit ... do not severe your stomach ... There is nothing, come on, you lie!
His head hang near the pillow, I lifted it and settled it, his eyes shining and wet-pierced me. I kept silent, and he paused. I felt tears in my eyes, how a lump of climb-up from the stomach to the neck ... Enough ... No way!
- The doctor went away ... He said you are better today ... He’ll come tomorrow morning to see you. If it is not, someone from the clinic, they ... you know there has a specialist team ... permanently.
-Does he still want to lead me in the hospital?
No, not now he didn’t say ... said that you are normalized from injections ... for now there is no need of such treatment .... And you ... you didn’t want to go to the hospital, right?
"Yes, I do not want in hospital ... and then ... I do not want to bury me. Cremation, ashes and so ... ... And no ... these various guests, table, relatives and friends ... Who wanted to see me, to come ... what they will come after to trace ...
-Oh, please! ... What are these tales do now ?!... Stop, please!
-I’ll stop it! ... Soon, I will stop ...
Nonsense, just nonsense you talk to me!
Come on ... come on! No tears! ... No hype ... please! ... For what you drank cognac and drank and pills and what not ... Hold on, Emma, you are already a big girl! ... Very big and strong girl, ... tweak to your pointer, stuck nails in it ... When it hurt, you will not know to cry! ... As a child ... as a child, the magic ruled straight, always, but always helped me not to cry! ...
Well, sorry! ... Not now quarrel.
His eyes didn’t separate from me.
Warm, moist, shining eyes.
His cheeks had jumped out, but even so it went ... somewhat jaded gracefully with those snow ...
Lord, what I am talking about? ...
I reached and grabbed his hand.
Cold hand.
Cool.
-Sorry!
Tears came pouring down itself down. I shook the whole, I could not stop, my body didn’t stop, my hands caressing themselves, leapt on his face, arms, chest ...
-God ... What apologize, for God?
-So ... You know ... Everyone is wrong.
-No, please! ... No, please! ... Can you stop it, to speak so !!!...
"Yes, dear ... I won’t.
Pain, such pain, such a terrible, hacking pain in chest ... Jump in the heart ... no, not that! My soul weep, not me ...
I gotta stop! ... Must stop immediately!
A little more, Lord, a little more! ...
-You gonna be okay, you’ll see ... I am right beside you!
"Yes ... You are to myself ... you know ... once I wished that, when we get married ... to get old next to you… And it was, here it is ... Remember, huh?
-Remember, of course! ... I remember, let this not to mention now ... Do you want something, water ... or put your injection?
-Let ... I feel better though ...
Slowly raised his arm, his hand shake with the effort ... Then, very slowly, very carefully, gently, he stroked my cheeks.
-Marry me.
-What?!
-This ... Marry me ...
-Well, we're married twenty-seven years ... Do you remember?
-Put ... I remember: how I can forget ... "Call a priest ... I want to get married again ... As we should, in a church ...
-God, what are you talking about?
"Yes ... this is what I want. Let does not appear that we lived in sin, that our children are ... that children are conceived in sin ...
What are you talking about my sweet?!?!... What are you talking, do you hear yourself ?!... What wedding now?
Wedding-to ... ... Church wedding marriage, vow before God ...
-Please listen to… just what are you talking about? ...
-Please!
I left speechless. And my convulsions stopped, my tears are rolled down, exhausted and disappeared somewhere.Near the night lamp one butterfly turned, tossed in light fixtures attached, and then it fell down again, and then it flew again. Quietly, quietly – it became scary.
He laid with eyes closed, his breathing became heavy again pulled.
God ... what wedding?
-Sweetheart, do not you ... you are not well, that’s why you talking about this way ... Please sleep, and when you wake up ... and Mira and Valya'll come, to see you ... And you will you go better, we’ll go in the park ... you know … where loved to walk in the park ... there-by birches, on our bench ...
He open his eyes.
His eyes wandered around the room as if looking for something. Then, with difficulty stopped on me, bright, dull eyes.
-We will go ... Once, the two of us... Then ... Not now.
-We will go, you'll see! ... I'm with you, you'll be fine ... You’ll see!
Call-priest ... please! Again ... I want to marry you.
I got up sharply, the bed squeaked. I can not ... Like a knife pierces ... so deep, so ... More inside the door is folded in two, sobbing erupted from me as if from a crater ...
Creeping into the corridor, biting my hand, wrist pain ... until, by blood! ...
The door remained open, do not know if he saw it, but I heard his voice, barely, quietly, hoarsely:
Call-father Peter is a friend ... He will come ...
And as if in a dream, and if I was not ...
I got the phone, dialed and confused, then again ... figures danced before my eyes, I was not sure whether pressing the buttons or just watch them without having to move ...
Father Peter was very surprised, but quickly agreed.
He asked me to find best men, a bottle of red wine, two wedding rings ...
"... To be dead, then we'll see! "
When I returned to the room, he lay motionless with eyes open, serious and rigorous. In his eyes I read some kindness, gentleness, as if it he wanted before the end,to tell me something good and wise thing ... to me, Valiya and Mira.

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Tag der Veröffentlichung: 12.01.2010

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