PROLOGUE

"After you die it is believed that you have seven minites of brain activity left inside you, and in the seven minites you experience your entire life over, in a kind of dream...because in a dream time is stetched.

 

So if this is the case, what if right now you're in that seven minites. How do you know if you're alive or just reliving old memories?

 

Do we contniue in the cycle and never actually escape because we die at the end and after dying we dream the seven minutes again just each time the seven minutes are actually shorter so in reality we would all be dead and living within the span of an elongated second and earth could actually not even exist anymore".

 

ONE

 I only wanted to have fun, I let my heart decide the way, deep down I must have always known that all the little letters in my head and all the darker instruments inside my head could not save me from feeling like a failure because I know that I failed you.

 

I was calling out for help but heard no noise because I was a pretty liar, I know I should have fought it but at least I'm being honest.

 

I've learned more from what is missing,  it is about me and not about you. I know that I've made some bad decisions that is why daylight is much too hard because I feel you so near.

 

Perfect storms and rose gardens filled with thorns make me angry at all the things that I cannot change because when we were young we were reckless and took things way too far.

 

The secrets you told me I'll take to my grave and your nightmares make me forgive it all. Deep in my bones I can feel you that my heart was a stone but your hands warm because the feeling of your skin is locked in my head.

 

I know I'm not the only one who regrets the things that they have done because I was so desperate to find a way out of my world and finally breath, and you are not here to dry my tears.

 

We have been here before but I cannot stay this time because we are oceans apart and there is so much space between us.

 

You must not underestimate that I am trying to be brave. It means the world to me that you were in my life but I must learn to live and survive on my own because everything changed me and I do not think that you can save me this time.

 

 

 

 

 

Yours Claudette...

 

 

 

TWO

 I woke up one morning and decided to pack up all of my things when you were away. I was so afraid that you would catch me in the act of leaving you but you never did.

 

As I took my first steps outside the front door, I felt as though my world was caving in and I was slowly suffocating but somehow, I kept on taking one staggered step after the other and eventually made it into my car.

 

I cried hysterically for a good twenty minites, just sitting there in the driver's seat freaking out over and over again. I bet I was giving the neighbours a good show.

 

I did eventually calm dowm and started the engine and slowly drove off. I felt bittersweet as I began anew in my life literally driving away from my old one.

 

Finally left Damien I see, you seem more quiet than usual, please don't tell me that you are actually contemplating going back to him" Ingrid said as she helped me unpack the boxes that I had opened so far.

 

"Oh no nothing like that, it's just that I had wanted this for years and now that I have finally done it, I don't feel as brave anymore" I responded with a sad smile on my face.

 

"Yeah I know exactly how you feel but perseverance my love, you will definitely look back at this moment in time and be grateful that you left" Ingrid said as she moved to embrace me.

 

"You better get going if you don't want to be late for your date with Cornelius" I said after our embrace. "Are you sure? I could always reschedule, Cornelius won't mind at all" Ingrid questioned with a concerned look on her face.

 

"Yes I am very much sure, plus I need to get comfortable with the idea of being on my own again. It has been so long since I was single and I'm not exactly sure what single people do but I'll figure it out" I said with a laugh.

 

"Mm alright, do not hesitate to call me if you feel the least bit poorly" Ingrid said with a smile before she left my new home.

 

The majority of my things were still neatly packed in boxes that were scattered all over the floor of the flat and the need to unpack was far from being my first priority.

 

"I'll just take it one day at a time I mentally said to myself before I made myself comfortable on the sofa and easily drifted off into a dreamless slumber fully aware Damien could come for me at any minute.

THREE

 "So sorry to spring this on you on the last minute but Cornelius is having a rugby game in a few and I sort of promised him that we would both attend" Ingrid said in a low voice as she crouched down afraid that I would snap at her.

 

"Let's go" I responded as I looked for some shoes to put on. "That's it?" Ingrid questioned in disbelief. "Yes that's it" I responded in a condenscending voice before I laughed.

 

"Well good then because there are going to be all these hot and sweating shirtless men running around full of testosterone and whatnot" Ingrid said suggestively as we made our way out of the house.

 

"Right" was all that I said as I rolled my eyes at her. I had literally no idea what was going on once we got there and settled down on the bleachers but the minute one of the guys wearing white, blue and black stepped onto the field, I was suddenly very interested in the game.

 

It felt so strange being attracted to anyone besides Damien, but then again, it also felt both refreshing and frightening at the same time.

 

The game ended way to quickly but luckily, Cornelius' team won. "The team is heading to Nix's pub later on, I'll meet you guys there" Cornelius said after his kiss with Ingrid before he rushed for the locker rooms.

 

"You don't mind do you?" Ingrid questioned with a hopeful look on her face. "Of course not, let's go celebrate" I said as I pulled Ingrid along with me towards my car.

 

It did not take us long to locate the pub which was already filled to the rafters with fans of Cornelius' team but things only got into full swing when the team walked into the pub.

 

I was fully aware that I would be the third wheel but to my surprise, Cornelius came with his friend Scott.

 

"You don't talk much do you?" Scott questioned trying to fill the awkward silence between us. "Actually..." I began but was cut off by my vibrating phone. "Excuse me" I said as I got up.

 

I easily made it out of the pub and answered the phone. "Hello mama" I said in a low voice. "Hello baby, you do know why I'm calling you right?" My mother questioned from the other end of the line.

 

"Yes mama, sorry for the radio silence" I said after a moment of silence. "I completely understand. Are you happy now?" My mother questioned all of a sudden. "Yes for the most part but there are times when I really struggle" I confessed.

 

"For as long as you are happy then I am happy as well, I have to go now but know that I will always love you"  my mother said in a sad voice. "I love you too mama" I responded before the line went dead.

 

"Are you alright?" Ingrid questioned from behind me. "I will be eventually" I confessed as I turned around and wiped some tears away from my eyes.

 

"Good, because I want to dance with my best frirnd" Ingrid said as we walked back into the pub. Luckily there was already an upbeat song playing as Ingrid and I made our way to the dancefloor.

 

It did not take Cornelius long to join us and I took that as my cue to give them some space and turn around. When I did, I collided head first with a solid chest.

 

"Running away so soon and here I was going to ask you to dance with me" Scott said with a cheeky smile.

 

"Only if you can keep up" I said with a wink before Scott snaked his arms around my waist as I lazily placed mine around his neck.

 

After the third song I was knackered and was ready for bed. I easily found Ingrid and Cornelius giving everyone a show on the dancefloor, it was more like dry humping rather than dancing honestly. "I'm heading home now, text me or whatever" I whispered into Ingrid's ear.

 

"What kind of gentleman would I be if I didn't escort you to your car" Scott said as he fell in step with me when I gave him a curious look.

 

"Would it be presumptuous of me to ask for your number?" Scott questioned once we were standing by my car. "Not at all" I responded as we swapped phones.

 

"I'll be seeing you very soon Claudette" Scott said with a wink once I had entered my car and opened the window before he walked away with all the confidence in the world.

FOUR

 "You look absolutely breath taking" Scott said as I slowly approached him. "I try" I responded with a wink trying my best to hide my anxiety.

 

Scott and I had been texting all week long and then yesterday he surprised me and decided to call me instead, my heart was literally racing as we spoke but towards the end of the phone call, I was smiling like an idiot because Scott had asked me to go out on a date with him.

 

So here we were standing outside my home ready to go on our first date. I will not sugar coat it because when I woke up today I had multiple panic attacks thinking that I had made a horrible mistake and should just call Scott and cancel.

 

But then I ended up calling Ingrid instead who immediately rushed over and decided to become my therapist, stylist and makeup artist all in one. She's probably watchng us right this moment with a gigantic smile

Impressum

Verlag: BookRix GmbH & Co. KG

Texte: Carol Tiyelesa Phiri
Bildmaterialien: Dailess Moyo
Lektorat: Carol Tiyelesa Phiri
Tag der Veröffentlichung: 28.03.2017
ISBN: 978-3-7438-0501-9

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Widmung:
This one is for the dreamers and a little bit of my old self mixed in.