The Bitch in me

“Fuck Everyone!” I silently screamed as I drove down ‘highway hell’ on my way home. Too many cars, too many ‘crazy’ drivers, too many traffic lights—just too much for one person—namely me, to put up with, especially right now!

And especially since I decided to have ‘my-world-changing’ epiphany moment, the exact same instant, I almost rear-ended the slowest and dumbest driver, in the history of slowest and dumbest drivers! Err! I swerve to the passing lane, roll down my window, and flip them off.

An old wrinkled woman gives me a your-going-to-hell stare as I zoom past her to switch lanes. Looking in my rearview mirror, I finally spot the old hag, and give her one last ‘middle finger’, when I hear a loud horn, and realize I’m about to drive right off the exit into the valley below, “Shit!” I swerve almost hitting the horn-blaring semi, when he blows his loud-ass horn again

. I flip him off and yell “Shut-it asshole!” as I turn off the highway.

Fuming at a red light and feeling a little un-hinged by my near-death experience, only a minute ago, proves even more—I need a change. That my epiphany moment earlier--was not just ‘a moment’ but a fucking red flag permanently stamped in my consciousness somewhere.

Sitting here waiting, for the stupid light to change, with all but smoke coming out of my ears and nose, I might as well spill. So here’s the beans: Have you ever been stomped on? Beaten up? Ran over? Completely and utterly rung out?

Of course, this is all metaphorical, or at least in my case. I haven’t gotten the pleasure (I’m sure) of literally being ‘the girl bleeding on the pavement.’ But in every other way--yes, I’m that girl bleeding on the pavement. Crying. Tired. And Unhappy. But most of all Pissed-the-fuck-off!!!

I hear a horn, and realize the light has turned green. I make my way to my street, finally pulling up to home—the one place that makes a shitty day, not-so-shitty.

I changed out of my too-tight jeans, and too-big shirt, and plopped on the couch with a bowl of ice cream and flicked the remote as I looked for a movie to watch. Considering my mood, I stopped at the streaming horror movies; Hellraiser that’s a good one! I definitely could raise some hell right about now!

I hear the phone ring. Not right now Lee.

Rolling my eyes, choosing to ignore it--the machine clicks on and I hear Lee’s voice on the other end, “Kate, why are you not answering your cell?” Because I don’t want to, that’s why!

“And why are you not picking up now? I know you just got off work, where else would you be?” I hear his smirk-y laughter over the phone. Shut up Lee.

“Okay Kate, well whenever you feel like crawling out of your hole, give me a ring, will ya?” He hangs up, the machine clicks off. Crawling out of my hole…humph, if Lee only knew how right he was…

The Fighter in me

Bang! Bang! Bang! “Kate! Are you in there?!” Bang! What the… Quickly sitting up, and wiping my groggy eyes—‘Kate!” I jump, realizing Lee is at the door—no scratch that, about to ‘unhinge’ the door, as he stood there pounding and yelling my name.

I slowly (just for his benefit) walk to the door and opened it saying, “What the hell dude?”

“Where the hell have you been?!” Lee says, standing with all but hands on hips, trying to give me one of his wickedly evil stares—that seemed to look (at least to my groggy eyes) only wickedly sexy and maybe a bit evil.

He rolls his eyes, “And why are you smiling?”

“Because I forget how cute you are when you’re angry,” I say pinching his cheek.

“Kate I’m serious—where the hell have you been?” I shut the door behind him, and walk into the kitchen, “Where do you think? Do you see me right now? I was sleeping.”

“Do you know how worried I’ve been? You could of least called me back before you crashed.” “Oh my god Lee what’s the big deal?! So I took a nap.” I say, turning around facing him.

“A nap?” “Yea, so?” watching him smile for the first time—since banging on my door I ask, “What—why the face?”

Lee stifled a laugh, “Kate, what day do you think it is?” “What?” I glanced at the clock on my microwave—“Shit!”

It was almost mid-afternoon—the next day. I had clonked out somewhere in between raising hell, and sticky ice cream yesterday evening—til now. “Crap! I am so late for work!”

I run to my room, and quickly start scanning my bleak and depressing closet. I had shoved a wrinkled shirt over my head, (over the one I still had on) when I abruptly stopped—walking over to my bed and sitting down.

I hated my job. I even hated—that I even hated my job. So, why the rush—besides being incredibly late! to get back to it??

Hello, Bills? Well yea, there’s that—unfortunately. But I had built up quite a ‘nest egg’ over the years, and fortunately—for me, had enough saved up to last me several bills in the future.

No, stripping me down to my bare ass—was the truth, my naked

truth: fear—yes, that ‘oh-so-scary’ four letter word, that has so ‘terrifyingly’ kicked me in my rear—over and over again.

I guess at some point in my life, I had just decided to keep binding over. And guess what? It kicked my ass every time! Since it mattered—fear has had the ‘horrifying’ pleasure of tying a huge knot around my every decision.

I hear a curious Lee walk over to my bed, sitting down. “What’s wrong?”

I quickly wiped my eyes, letting out a sniffle. Lee sounding concerned bumps me on the shoulder, “Is it about you being late? I’m pretty sure Joanne will understand once you talk to her.” “Yea I know. It’s not that.”

“So what is it?” I get up from the bed, and sounding a little muffled, as I tangled with pulling the first shirt over my head said, “Oh, it’s nothing. I’m okay.”

Knowing Lee I could probably guess what he was thinking, something along the lines: Stop lying to me Kate

! And Lee knowing me knew I always

had to sort it out on my own.

Sighing, and looking not too pleased, Lee gets up, “Okay. Well, I’ll let you get ready for work.” He shuts the door behind him.

I stood staring at my closet for I don’t know how long. Fuming at my drab pathetic wardrobe and disheveled mess of a closet—I begin yanking clothes off hangers. Throwing shirts, shoes, pants, and anything I saw out.

Feeling like Bernadine from Waiting To Exhale, I begin quietly—yet furiously, quoting the part, “Get your shit! Get your shit! And get out!”

Okay, fact: I didn’t have a ‘man’ in my life (not even a cheating one). But me anger, my frustration—my unhappiness! didn’t come from the choices and actions made by someone else—but the choices and actions not made for myself.

I had given up: On my-self. On my-dreams. On my-life. Even my pathetic crap of a closet (which explains some of the giving up on me part). Year by year, month by month, week by week, day by day, hour by hour…piece by piece—choice by choice.

Finally sizzling down, I turn around, looking at my littered room—clothes everywhere (and I do mean everywhere), my bedroom looked like a tornado had come through—only stirring up my already ‘flung’ clothes.

Spending most of my energy ‘stirring up the tornado,’ I calmly tidied up my room. I had all but three outfits in my closet. I chunk-ed the rest.

I went to my drawer, changed into an appropriate outfit for the task at hand, and left my room. I see Lee in the living room, eating a sandwich, watching Hellraiser. (Go figure.)

He notices me standing in the archway, and I watched the surprised look on his face, as he looked me up and down, “You wearing that to work?”

“No.” And before he could respond, I say with a bit of gusto and a hint reservation, “I’m quitting my job today.” “You’re quitting?” “Yes.” And instead of asking why—which I was waiting for, Lee surprises me saying, “Good for you.”

He meets my surprised smile, with a bemused one of his own, “So…where are you going in that outfit? The gym?” I reflexively look down at my attire—spandex pants, with a matching top, and sneakers. Yes, I was ready for a work-out.

“Maybe. But first I’m going running.” “Running? You? Okay

.” Lee said, sounding confused, looking mildly amused, as he finished his sandwich.

We say our ‘good-byes’ and ‘call me laters’; then I set out running. Running for my life.

The Runner in me

Two weeks. Five days. Two hours: Running.

“So...what…brought...this...on?” Lee said, through shuddered breaths—running alongside me (for the first time), he wipes a towel over his sweaty face.

I pause—considering, “I don’t know. I…just felt like running.”

And in his—best yet, Forrest Gump voice, Lee ‘so Forrest-ly’ replied, “You just felt like running?” I bump him on the shoulder not-stifling a laugh. He turns his head smiling.

I guess it had to be said—I’m just surprised he beat me to it! But who knew better than Lee how our ‘sense of humor’ worked.

My Lee: my confidante, my friend. He always knew just what to say—or not say. But his ‘simple’ question did have me thinking ‘complex-ingly’ for the answer, as we circled yet another lap in the park.

Two weeks, five days, and two hours: running

. Physically—the impact running had on me was more easily seen—I looked at it, every day in my mirror: Me…changing.

I had smaller arms, tighter legs, a firmer ass. Even my face had lost its bloated—miserable look. It looked flusher, younger.

Emotionally—not so clear, it wasn’t as ‘in-your-face’. I had gradually started to notice a perkier attitude, waking up most mornings. And my anger—well, was not so angry. Running had become my muse—it gave me inspiration. For what—I had no clue.

Running was a part of my past too—but I hadn’t used two legs or a park to do it. Somewhere during ‘my down-ward spiral’—failure also, reared its not-so-cute head. And teaming with ‘fear’ had a field day running me over.

Bending-over for fear and running-scared from failure—left little time to actually try and change anything. And soon I had every opportunity, every decision, even every feeling: squeezed, as it made room for the ‘infamous duo’: Fear and Failure.

“We have to stop!” Lee said, bending over trying to catch his breath. I circle back around, jogging in place, “Come on, I’m just getting started.”

“Well, start without me,” Lee sits on a bench, and takes a gulp of water. Sitting beside him, I silently wait for him to finish.

The bench starts vibrating, and Lee reaches in his pocket. Flipping open his phone, and handing me the bottled-water, Lee says, “Hey babe.”

I slowly gulp, while watching children at the playground, and listening to a one-sided conversation. “Oh. I’ve been running with Kate.” I glanced at Lee, making a funny face.

I bust out laughing, covering my mouth—I stick out my tongue, making a funny face of my own. Lee stifling a laugh says irritatingly into the phone, “Babe, I am listening to you. Kate’s just being silly.”

And with a shocked look on my face, I mouthed, “You started it!” Smiling Lee ignores me, “Yea. I’ll be there. I said I would okay? What time should I be there?...”

Lee and ‘the-girlfriend’: I wish I could say they were soo cute and oh-so-adorable together—but if I were being honest, like brutally honest—you know the honest that comes out almost sounding like an insult—Lee deserved better.

Lee slaps his phone shut. “So, are we calling it a day?” I ask, turning to Lee. I wave my hand, trying to get his attention, “Hello Earth-to-Lee.”

“What? Oh. Yea,” Lee says sounding far-away as he struggled to put his phone in his pocket.”

“So…is that a ‘yea we are leaving’?”

“What? No, no.” Lee said coming back from ‘wherever’ he had just been. Not convinced he was still ‘here-with-me’ I ask instead, “Lee. What’s up? Talk to me.”

Seeing frustration in his eyes he finally lets out a chuckle saying, “Oh nothing. It’s just Jenn—well, not her. But this banquet or something she wants me to go to. Her parents are putting it on, so.”

“Oh. Well, that could be fun.” “Right. Cause you know how I just love putting on a suit.” “Oh, you’d look great in a suit. Shut up.”

Realizing, I had never seen him in one—ever, and I saw him almost every day, I shrug saying, “Even though I have yet to see you in one.” “Exactly!” Lee said, brushing his shorts and shaking his head.

“Lee, I know it can’t only be the suit that’s bugging you. So, what is it? You’ve met her parents before right?” Nodding his head, I continue, “So…spill.” He sighs, “Oh, it’s nothing.” And he turns to me saying with a bit more enthusiasm, “So, you ready for one more go?”

I give him a not-buying-it look, handing him the bottled-water. Ignoring it he takes another gulp; he puts it away, and gets up to stretch, “So you ready?”

“Are you?” I finally said sounding cocky. “Funny,” Lee said smiling before he took off running.

****

Back at home feeling so fresh and so clean I contemplate ordering out, then grab some chips, and sit down on the sofa.

Running today had been fun—not the usual ‘pain-in-my-ass’. I ran for many reasons, most of which—I was still figuring out. But I didn’t run for fun, hadn’t run for fun—until today, with Lee. I guess it only takes once, to be forever changed by something.

Fun and Running: It was a new one for me. But I liked it.

Poor, Lee. After we raced in the park, and went for slushies’’, he got another ‘phone-call’ and had to cut out early. He wasn’t happy. Imaging him now—suited up and dancing, I let out a laugh.

Speak of the devil—I feel my phone vibrating, it’s Lee, “Hey you. I was just thinking about you. What’s up?”

“Come with me.” “Come with you? Where? No, don’t say it—to the ball? No way!”

“Come on Kate, please? You have to. Aren’t you the one that said ‘it will be fun’?”

“Well, yea. But no-where in that statement ‘that I said’ did I include ‘me’. Lee come on, it’s me, are you serious?”

“Yes! I need you there. Who else will I have fun with besides you at a ball—come on, for me? Please. I’m dying over here.” “Haven’t you already left? And what about Jenn?”

“She’s already there, waiting for me. I haven’t gotten ready yet.”

“Oh my god Lee, she is going to kill you! There is no way; I want to be around a furious ‘girl-friend’. And won’t she be even more upset if you bring me?”

For the first time, I hear static over the phone, “Hello, Lee? Are you there?”

“Yea, yea, I’m here. No, she won’t. She told me earlier I could bring some one. There will be like two hundred-plus people at this thing, and the only people I know are Jenn and her parents. Please Kate? What else are you doing? Let me guess watching a movie?”

“As a matter of fact—yes, I am! Dirty Dancing if you want to know, and it’s at the good part. So, what?” “So come out with me, do something different.”

“Different—I’m okay with. But what you’re talking about is…torture. What would I even wear to something like that?” “Anything, it’s more a formal-casual event, at least that’s what Jenn told me.”

“I hardly have just ‘casual’ in my closet. Do you remember the day I threw out almost all my clothes? I haven’t restocked.”

“Kate, you must have something—besides spandex, in your closet. Look I’m on my way, if you haven’t found anything by the time I get there, will find something together, okay?”

“But Lee—““I’ll see you soon. Thanks Kate, you’re the best.” He hangs up. Shit! Shit! Shit! I will never forgive Lee for making me do this. Sighing—and throwing a huge fit, I walk to my ‘empty’ closet.

The Coward in me

“You nervous?” Lee says bumping me on the shoulder, stifling a laugh. I roll my eyes, “You think you’re so cute, don’t you? Just know, next time it’s my turn.”

We pull up to Jenn’s parents ‘estate’—anything this large did not qualify, at least in my book as a ‘house’. It was gated and had a literal ‘person’ standing outside checking invitations, letting cars pass through. We were still about ten cars behind.

“Nothing about this place screams ‘casual’” I say looking out the window, at the landscaped yard.

I finally turn to Lee saying, “You’re such a gold-digger.” Lee laughing out loud hands ‘the-invitation-guy’ our invitation.

We pass through the gate and finally catching his breath Lee said, “Shut up. And besides this is her parents’ house, not hers.” And sounding smug I reply, “Right. Because the apple does fall far from the tree.”

Lee glanced at me smiling, “Sometimes. Yea, it does—at least with Jenn. She doesn’t really enjoy these things either. She is here for her parents—it’s their annual ‘something’, they throw every year.”

Somehow we parked and made it through the maze of cars to the front entrance. Realizing I was shaking-with-nerves Lee held my hand as we walked through the door.


“Lee! Oh my god! I was so worried!” Jenn says running into Lee’s arms as I take a drink from one of the trays.

“I’m sorry babe. I was just waiting for Kate to get ready—I had asked her to come at the last minute,” Lee said giving her a light kiss.

Right, Lee. Because the reason you’re

late, is because of me. Not the fact that you waited until only twenty minutes ago to ask me.

Jenn turns facing me for the first time, with a look that could kill—like dead. And then—poof! It was gone and her cheeky smile was back with her saying, “I can’t believe he got you to come. Accordingly to Lee you like never get out.”

I briefly glance at Lee who was getting a drink saying to Jenn, “Is that so?” Knowing she had gotten under my skin (the bitch—sorry but no I’m not) she puts on one of her ‘poor-you’ smiles nodding her head.

Returning a ‘fuck-you’ smile of my own I take a long sip of my drink waiting for Jenn to get bored and leave me alone. It works—she turns to Lee saying, “Dance with me! Come on.”

Smirking at Lee I grab another drink from the tray. “Maybe, later. Okay?” Lee said, pretending not to see me.

And Jenn says pouting, “No, now. I haven’t got to dance all night, because I’ve been waiting for you.” She pulls on his arm; Lee glances at me—stifling a laugh, as he heads out on the dance floor.


My third

drink in; I had begun doing some pouting of my own. Seeing nothing but dancing people for the past fifteen minutes—had left me ‘stir-crazy’. And greeting people who looked at me like I didn’t belong—guess what I didn’t, had me this close

to calling a cab. Only I had no clue where I was.

Lee probably sensing my distress slides into the seat next to me, handing me another drink, “Sorry about that. Are you going crazy yet?”

I roll my eyes, “What do you think?” Lee turns his chair facing the crowd, “Oh, it’s not so bad out there.”

Looking at him—not the crowd I say, “Are you sure we are at the same party? I’ve gotten only ‘you’re weird’ stares all night.” “That’s because you are weird.” Lee says hitting me on the shoulder.

“Ha. You’re funny.” I take another sip from my drink.

“Someone’s in a mood. Are you that upset, I pulled you away from your TV?”

“No. You pulled me away from Dirty Dancing, remember?” “Well see, there’s dancing right here—so actually I did you one better.” “Yea, but not the dirty

kind.”

Lee stifling a laugh turns to me and looking serious for the first time says, “You really don’t like people do you?”

“What? Why, you say that?” “Come on Kate—it’s me. I’m with you almost every day and I have yet to see you with anyone else—besides me.”

Fidgeting in my sit I turn to him saying, “And, your point?” “My point is…you hide

from people.” Lee says looking me in the eyes.

Looking away I notice Jenn and a rather cute guy—probably the cutest I’ve seen all night locking arms as they strode over to us.

“Kate, meet Paul,” Jenn said, pushing Paul-the-cute-guy in my direction.

“Hey Paul,” I say raising my almost empty glass. “Hello,” Paul nods his head.

“Paul is an architect for one of my dad’s firms,” Jenn said sitting on Lee’s lap.

Slurring my words, I turn to Paul, “Well Paul, I’m Kate, currently in-between jobs at the moment. Nice to meet you,” smiling I point to a seat, “Please sit down.”

“Thanks,” sitting down he clears his throat and takes a drink. “So Paul are you enjoying yourself?” I ask giving him my—drunken, yet full attention.

“No, not really,” smiling Paul continues, “But I do this kind of thing for work. I meet a lot of my clients—‘working a party’. So it makes these things easier to swallow.”

Laughing I glance at Lee and point to Paul, “I like him—his funny!” Lee rolls his eyes, ignoring me.

I hide from people my ass!—I’ll show him. Turning to Paul I ask, “Would you like to dance?” Feeling Lee’s stare, I get up and take Paul’s hand.

Making it to the dance floor without stumbling—or bumping into anyone I realize I’m not as drunk as I thought. I wanted to prove Lee wrong but standing here in the mist of strangers trying to pull of spontaneous and sexy (for Paul-the-cute-guy)—when I am anything but—I wanted to just crawl in a hole somewhere.

Sensing my nervousness Paul asks, “Let me guess it is your first time?” “Am I that obvious?” I say choosing to opt out on telling him the real reason I had paused in the middle of the dance floor.

Paul smiles saying, “A little. But don’t worry it’s mostly about acting like you know what you’re doing.” I manage a smile as he pulls me closer and asks, “Are you ready?” I take a breath saying, “Take it away!”


After an awkward—yet charming dance with Paul-the-cute-guy, we finally make it back to Lee and Jenn. “Oh my god you guys looked soo cute together!” Jenn said squeezing Lee’s shoulder, “And Kate you didn’t stumble once! Good for you!”

Paul turns to Jenn managing an awkward smile; I roll my eyes—ignoring her and ask for another drink—the tray was empty. Where did all the drinks go??

“So…Paul do you like Kate?” Jenn says, leaning into him.

“Yea, I do,” Paul said clearing his throat looking from me to Jenn smiling—probably realizing the same time I did what Jenn was up to.

“Well Paul you’ll be happy to know that Kate is in-between boyfriends at the moment too.” “Is that right?” Paul said looking at me, looking away—pretending not to hear what I just so loudly did.

“Kate! Paul wants to know, why you currently don’t have a boyfriend!” Jenn says almost screaming over the table—pretending to get my already full attention. (Have I already said bitch?)

I slowly turn looking at Paul—wanting to slap Jenn managed a charming smile saying, “I don’t know.”

“Well, we should get together sometime, if you want. Maybe over drinks or something,” Paul says managing to sound genuine—although definitely feeling the tension between me and Jenn—that Lee so obliviously doesn’t as he sat texting someone on his phone.

Reaching in my bag for my phone I smile at Paul, “Yea, I’d like that.” We exchange numbers, say our ‘I’ll call yous’, and I watched as Paul-the-cute-guy became just another bopping head as he made his way through the crowd.

Turning back to a—dead-silent Lee all night I say, “Are you ready to go?”

Jenn looking like I had just said the worst thing—turns to Lee, “No, you can’t go yet.” Lee—finally opening his mouth replied, “But babe Kate’s ready to go, and I did ask her to come, so.”

“So? Can’t she take your car back? Then we can go when we’re ready, is that okay?”

Lee turning to me saying ‘I’m-sorry-about-this!-I’ll-owe-you-big!’ with his eyes finally asked, “Kate, would that be okay?”

Trying not to all but SCREAM!—at them BOTH! I get up, and walk over to Lee, “Give me your keys.” Handing me the keys Lee gets up and follows me outside. “Hurry back ba—“Jenn said, before the door cut her off.

Not stopping—I stomp through the maze of cars. “Kate! Wait up!”

No, Lee. Not right now—just leave me alone! And where is his stupid car?! Finally spotting it, I get in and fire up the engine.

Lee catching up knocks on the window, “Kate I know your mad. But listen—““No Lee!”

Huffing—and puffing, I put the car into drive and say, “Move Lee.” “No! Let me at least tell you how to get back.”

“I’ll find my own way back!” Hitting the gas pedal I zoom through the gate; looking in the rear-view mirror crying, as my ruined night faded into black.

The Beauty in me

Buzz. Buzz. Buzz

. What the… Lying face down on my pillow I open one eye. Buzz

. Finally realizing it’s my phone vibrating on my bed—not a stinging bee—I closed my one eye.

Sighing, I turned over watching silhouettes made by the sun’s light on my ceiling. I wanted

to sleep. I wanted

to forget last night. I wanted

to not be hung over. I wanted…to just not be me. I was just so tired of being…me.

Last night I had sat in my shower crying my eyes out for—forever. I hadn’t realized until washing away my tears, how much I let others get to me.

My relation-ships

with others came in one or two ways: Letting them tear me a part—and me following behind picking up the broken pieces. Or building me up—and me walking on egg shells hoping the whole thing doesn’t come crashing down.

Yanking the covers off, I walked to the bathroom starting the shower. As I walked back pass the mirror I noticed—well, me.

Taking a cloth I wash away the steam from the shower—and for the first time since ever, I am curious about the person staring back at me: She had big eyes. Gullible eyes. Frightened eyes.

But in those eyes beyond the sea-green, beyond the rings of dark brown; looking deeply I saw something else. Something…beautiful. And it was there where they sparkled. It was there where I found the courage to look more closely.

Pulling off my shirt and wanting to shrink in the mirror I stood there looking at myself: I had chipped nails from biting them. Hairy legs from hardly ever shaving them; even stubbly armpits.

And I had toenails that could slice

sheets—okay maybe not, but they did need serious work.

My hair looked dry and brittle—so did my lips. And instead of throwing in the towel of shame (I was this

close)—I looked more closely.

I did notice I had smooth clear skin. And a body…let’s just say I should definitely show off more. I turn to the side trying to do a sexy pose.

Laughing I notice my nicely rounded face topped with my dark brown long curly hair--which I never let down.

But what surprised me more than what I did see was the reason why until now—I hadn’t bothered to look. Realizing all that I found shameful was only on the surface, were things easily changed—and therefore only took my time and attention bothered me.

Underneath it all…I was beautiful. And I had been hiding it away. Hiding me away. Not anymore!

I turn off the shower and walk to my bedroom. Put on what I had left in my drawer, grabbed my keys, and shut the door. It was time to go shopping!

****

Finally pulling up in my drive-way exhausted—I had never spent so much time in a mall. And hauling in what felt like twenty pounds of stuff—I get to work.

After the chipping, trimming, detangling, scrubbing—and yes shaving, I had started the shower. I dry off, walk to my room, and begin looking in my bags; I start taking out clothes. Now was the hard part—what to wear.

Even though I had no plans and no idea where I would go—I knew I wanted to go out. No Dirty Dancing tonight—at least not on the couch.

At the mall I had bought one of almost every kind of outfit for all occasions—even the naughty ones.

I looked in one of my bags and found an outfit until now I would have only admired on someone else and been too scared shitless to wear for myself: It hardly hid anything.

A skimpy sleeveless black blouse, red short (and I do mean short) shorts, with crisscross black stockings—I know.

But I had walked by the mannequin enough times finally rendering up the courage to go in and just buy it. I told myself it was my ‘coming out’ outfit. I needed something extreme and standing here with it on I have to admit—I looked bad ass!

I couldn’t help but feel stronger, tougher, and hell-a sexy in it. I turn to the side and bring my hand up mimicking a gun, I had the James Bond theme song playing in my head, “This is Bond, James Bond.”

Laughing I hear the phone—still on my bed. Sighing I walk over and pick it up. Making sure whoever it was knew—yes you are bothering me! I say irritatingly into the phone, “Hello

.”

“Hello is this Kate?” he said sounding nervous. “Yes. And who is this?”

“Oh sorry this is Paul—you know from last night.” “Oh. Hey Paul...” Taken aback that it was him—or anyone else other than Lee (who I was expecting) I clear my throat saying, “How are you?”

“Fine thanks and you?” “I’m okay.” “Good. The reason I am calling is I’d like to ask you out—to spend some time with you,” Paul clears his throat.

“Umm... Yea sure I’d like that. When?” “Well I was hoping for sooner rather than later—do you have plans tonight?”

Okay pause: On the one hand Yes! this is my opportunity to let go, be free—stop hiding. And do it with a really cute guy on top of that. But I had also not dated or even just went out with anyone (besides Lee) in a long time. Long enough to know I was so not ready.

Sitting on my bed I had to make a decision. I hear Paul clear his throat, “Hello Kate are you still there?”

Realizing I had literally paused in the middle of our conversation I take a breath saying, “Yes I’m here. And no I have no plans tonight.”

After deciding where to go and a time we hang up. Shit! I am so nervous and I still have almost an hour to kill. I hear a knock on my door. Who the hell?

Walking to the door I see Lee’s silhouette--great. I open the door.

“Well

?” I finally asked after standing in the doorway for at least five minutes with Lee staring at me with an expression on his face—to be honest I had never seen until now. I didn’t know what to make of it.

Moving out of the door I motion with my hands, “Are you going to come in—or stand there looking at me all night? Because believe it or not I have plans tonight.”

Lee finally walks in shutting the door.

“So?” I say crossing my arms over my chest standing in the middle of the room. Still mad at him for last night—I wasn’t in the mood to be nice.

“I tried calling you—a lot today,” Lee said.

“Yea well I’ve been out all day and to be honest didn’t feel like talking to anyone.” Meaning you

.

Knowing what I meant Lee replied, “Kate I’m so sorry about last night. Jenn well—was just being Jenn. And I…was being the ‘best boyfriend’—that unfortunately made me the crappiest friend. And I’m sorry about that—you do know that right? I know your upset with me but you know I didn’t--couldn’t intentionally hurt you, right?”

Rolling my eyes I let out a sigh, “Yea I know.” I smile dropping my fixed pose. It was hard to stay mad at Lee—we knew each other so well it didn’t take much to understand—and therefore forgive the other.

“But I’m still mad at you.” I say more for kicks than actual anger.

“I know. I’m kind of mad at me too.” Lee said finally smiling.

Following me to my bedroom and sitting in a chair looking at me run around the room picking up outfit after outfit he finally asked, “So what plans do you have tonight?”

Startled I stop in place looking at him, “Oh umm, Paul actually.” “Paul from last night, Paul?”

“Yea that same one,” smiling I continue, “He just called so…yea I’m going out. And before you say it, yea I know—‘me going out’.”

Expecting one of his quick come-backs something like: ‘has hell frozen over and I just didn’t get the memo?’ something funny so we both laugh. He looks down smiling.

“Are you okay?” Looking up at me I watch his eyes as they travel up my body finally meeting mine, “So is this what you’re wearing?”

And realizing for the first time since he knocked on my door—what I was wearing I pause. Okay it’s no big deal—it’s Lee. His definitely seen me in worse. But I still couldn’t help but feel a little naked—okay a lot naked standing there in what I had on.

I had never paid too much attention to what I wore—mostly because now I knew I hid behind it. And Lee—well this was a first for him too seeing me so out

in the open—literally out. Probably the most out I’ve been—ever.

I walk to the bathroom putting on a robe, “No. I was just trying it on.”

Looking at my scattered room he smiles saying, “You finally went shopping I see.” “Yea it was time.”

I walk over picking up a less revealing but still quite sexy outfit, “So, what do you think about this?”

Sitting back in his seat, with an intense concentrated look, Lee finally said “I’m pretty sure Paul will like it.”

"Are you sure you're okay?" He nods his head. Choosing to drop it--for now. I look at him saying,“Okay I’m going to try it on. Just know I have no idea what I’m going for at least when it comes to what to wear. So you have to be serious and honest with me okay?”

Lee brings his hand up crossing his chest. I take a breath walking into the bathroom.

After ten minutes of trying to get out—and get in to an outfit I slowly walk to the door. Okay I can do this

. You have nothing to hide—you’re beautiful. And it’s Lee

. But for some reason knowing that--made me even more nervous.

Shaking it off I open the door, Lee was reading a book from one of the shelves, I clear my throat getting his attention.

I wanted to say something funny—I needed to calm my nerves and laughing seemed like the best bet. Plus I have never been too big on attention—even when I ask for it. So I do a nervous twirl saying, “What do you think?”

Hearing a knock we both turn our heads, “That must be Paul—oh my god. I’m not even ready yet! Lee will you be a doll and entertain him for a while?”

Lee rolling his eyes gives me a you’re-joking-right? look, cheesing I say, “Please Lee, for me?” He sighs getting up to answer the door.

I quickly grab my new boots and run into the bathroom shutting the door. I go to the mirror taking out my hair band (that I always wore).

Watching my dark curls tumble as they fell to my shoulders—I run my fingers through it. I should let my hair down more often—it made me look exotic and matched with my ‘jaded’ eyes—quite sexy even.

Realizing that’s probably why I wore it up most of the time—I give it one last fluff and put on some lip gloss. No turning back now.

I give myself one last glance in the mirror putting on my boots. I open the door walking to the living room. I see Lee and Paul trying to make conversation.

Breaking up the obvious

awkwardness between them I finally turn to Paul saying, “Hey.” Realizing I was in the room they both turned to look at me.

“So you ready to go?” I ask trying to deflect some of the attention away from me as two sets of equally gorgeous eyes looked me up and down. Paul’s bright sky blue as he stood there smiling in direct contrast with Lee’s usually chocolate ‘sweet’ brown that now looked intensely dark as he looked away.

“Yes I am, if you are.” Paul finally said turning toward me. I give Lee a confused look. Did he not like what I was wearing? He looked upset. Paul clears his throat. And realizing I had totally forgotten he was in the room--oops. I turn to him smiling, “Yea I’m ready, I mean if you are.” "Yes, lets go."

Walking toward them Lee asks “Kate can I have my keys?” “Oh, yea I almost forgot—they’re on the kitchen table.” Lee walks to the kitchen and Paul smiling says, “You look lovely.”

“Thanks,” I smile looking down as Lee walked passed us opening the door, “I’ll talk to you later okay.”

Startled I look up saying, “Oh okay. Umm…well thanks for—helping me out earlier.” “Anytime. I’ll see you later,” Lee said not stopping as he walked out the door.

I didn’t even have time to stop him before he was already at his car--getting in. What was with him??

Unfortunately we didn’t have time to do our normal catch up tonight. Maybe something happened. I made a mental note to ask Lee what was up later.

Locking the door Paul and I step out walking to his car. “So where are we going again?” “I thought we’d check out this new place I’ve heard good things about. Supposedly they serve the ‘best of everything’” Paul said smiling as he started the car.

Looking out the window—taking a silent breath I watch as my red front door faded from view. Here goes…

The Confidence in me

“Is that everything?” Paul asked as he a stuffed another bag in the trunk.

“Yea I think that’s it.” I do another round of check marks in my head making sure I wasn’t leaving anything I may need on our trip.

It had been three weeks since our ‘first date'. And last week he asked if I would like to spend some time at his vacation home (on the beach) for some R&R. Needless to say my response was: Yes Please! So here we were on the road driving to what I hoped would be a weekend in Paradise.

“I invited some friends to come along—but I don’t know if they will show. They never rsvp’d to let me know,” Paul said grabbing my hand holding it as we turned off the highway: Paradise only 20 miles ahead.

Smelling the salt water I roll down my window—getting a whiff. I look at Paul, “How many friends did you invite?”

“Oh only two, I told them they could bring some friends with them if they wanted.”

Thinking either I was in for a ‘cramped’ weekend or his place had to be much bigger than I thought I ask, “So how big is this place?”

Looking in the rear-view mirror Paul smiled glancing at me, “Big enough. We won’t be on top of each other if that’s what you were thinking.”

I knew Paul—let’s just say was on the upper-end of the Money-Totem-Pole. But he never boasted or bragged he was rather quite modest about his ‘life-style’ which I admired about him.

Driving down a really long bridge we pass over part of the beautiful blue ocean. Jumping out of my seat every two seconds pointing at everything I saw from sea gulls to yachts—and pulling into the residential area with houses--no mansions that I’m pretty sure I’ve seen on TV somewhere Paul turns to me smiling, “You’re so cute.”

Looking at Paul I smile saying, “What? I’ve never been to the beach. It’s all so…I dunno. Breath-taking I guess.” I let out a sigh. “You’re still cute.”

Laughing at Paul I smile, “Well so are you. And thanks by the way—for this.” He smiles at me, squeezing my hand. Releasing his hand I turn back to the window.

“Aww look!” I point to two seagulls ‘mating’ as one flew chasing the other. “I guess its that time of year,” Paul says with a light chuckle. “Yea I guess so.”

“Is this really your first time—at the beach?” I turn away from the window, glancing at Paul, “Yea.” Looking surprised Paul turns into a drive-way, finally cutting the engine, “Why? Is not that far from where you live and I can clearly see how much you love it. And we haven’t even stepped on the beach yet.”

I smile at Paul, “Yea I know. I don’t know…” Why hadn’t I ever gone to the beach? Why hadn’t I ever gone anywhere—outside of the twenty-mile radius of what once was work then home?

“Well I’m glad that I get to share this first with you,” Paul smiles stepping out of the car. He popped the trunk and started taking out our luggage. “Oh, let me help you,” I open the door, walking to the back of the car.

After slinging luggage and grabbing bags— I was panting. Paul shuts the trunk, “Let’s go inside.” “Yes, lets.” I say catching a breath.

After rearranging a few bags, I finally looked up at the house. Wow. Big. It reminded me of the typical beach house—but better. Maybe because I was actually going to get to stay in this one. It was light blue with white shutters and a wrap-around porch that literally ‘wrapped’ around the entire house. I guessed maybe three, four stories.

“You were right—we definitely won’t be on top of each other here. Well…unless someone wants to be.” I say trying to be cute—and trip stumbling on the steps. “Crap!”

Some of the luggage falls to the ground. I watch as a beach ball rolls over stopping at someone’s feet. “Drop something?” I look up and see Lee with a smirk on his face, juggling the ball back and forth.

Paul turns around helping me up, “Are you okay? Here put these down.” He takes the luggage, setting them on the porch. Wiping my pants I glance at Paul, “Yes. Thanks.”

And without warning I turn stalking over to Lee, “Give us our ball.”

I try to grab it from his hands, he holds it out of reach, smiling down at me, “What’s the magic word?” “Lee Im serious.” Laughing he pretends to give it back—then moving it as I came to grab it. “Lee!”

I was mad at him! Furious! And not because he was playing ‘dodge ball’ with me--but because we had not spoken more than a few words to each other since that night. The night something changed between us. We had never gone more than a few hours without speaking—and no longer than a day without seeing each other. Come to think of it this--right now was the first time we had seen each other since…since that night.

I missed my best-friend. It pained me to even think about it. And here he was laughing, playing, and acting like these last few weeks—hadn’t bothered him at all. And all I could do was stand here—peeved, ready to scream. “Lee give me the ball!”

“I think your boyfriend is getting a little jealous.” I reflexively turn looking at Paul. He had his hand up blocking the sun from his face—clearly waiting for us to finish.

“Hey Paul,” Lee says stifling a laugh. I turn back to Lee with what I hoped was my own evil stare, “What is with you?” “With me?” “Do you see anybody else?”

He smiles glancing at Paul, “Yea I do, and his looking not too happy at the moment.” “So you want to play dumb? Like you don’t know what I’m talking about? Fine! Two can play that game.” I stomp off heading back to the house.

“I guess now I know who Jenn invited.” Paul finally said sounding a little annoyed, as I picked up the luggage, and followed him inside.

Great--not only was Lee here at the beach but he was also staying here—with us. Just great--and with Jenn to boot. There goes my weekend in paradise idea.


After Paul gave me a general tour of the first floor, we walk upstairs. “And this is the master where we—I mean you’ll be staying.” Paul says clearing his throat. Silently pleased that he did correct himself—and pretending I didn’t notice I look around the room, “Wow. Are you sure? It’s a little big for just me. I could take another room.”

There were four other bedrooms. And a huge circular sofa downstairs in the living room--I had options. “No, of course not. You are my special guest Kate, so you get the best room in the house.” And smiling he walks to the door, “I’ll let you get settled in. I need to see who else has showed up unannounced.” He winks at me shutting the door.

I walk to the double doors that led out to the balcony. It was perfect. The view was amazing. I could clearly see the beach and almost feel the water spray me as a strong gust of wind blew the waves to shore.

It was mid-day so the sun was high in the sky—blazing hot. I definitely needed to get out of these pants and into something else.

I let out a breath taking in the view, closing my eyes. Letting the sun bath me—I hear laughter below. I squint my eyes; bringing my hand up shielding them from the sun.

I see Jenn and a couple of other girls and one guy running around on the beach. Where was Lee? Infuriated at myself for even thinking about him and ruining my peace-filled moment I walk back into the room, shutting the doors.

I begin sorting through my clothes and other items I brought for the trip. Placing some items on the bathroom sink—I look in the mirror. I looked tired but mostly hot--and not in the good way.

My hair was matted sticking to the sides of my face—the rest was tied up on top of my head. I run water splashing my face. I needed a shower--a quick refresher. I was glad I had bought everything I would need to make me look--well a lot better.

I had started taking better care of myself over these past few weeks--meaning no more hairy legs and straggly clothes. After a couple of days of forcing myself to give myself attention—it became easier.

And I started to actually enjoy seeing me in a new way. I’m surprised I am wearing a head band now--on most days I let my hair fall effortlessly.

I had even started getting glances from guys—some girls when I went out. Which I did at least twice a week. I hadn’t plopped on the couch and watched Dirty Dancing in I don’t know how long—the longest it has ever been.

I started to notice a new me lurking beneath the old one--and sometimes stepping out in front taking the reins. It felt good. She had more spunk--more balls than the old me ever had. And she wasn’t afraid to tell anyone off. And she made sure to get whatever it was she wanted.

Whenever I did let her out—I liked her. But the old me was still hanging on for dear life. I still…wasn’t quite there yet. And this weekend could prove to be my down fall.

All my hard work could end up in my face—if I wasn’t careful. Being around strangers is one thing—but this…a house full of people that have only known the ‘old Kate’--even some who I have let hurt me in the past, is going to be tricky.

I needed to be bold—daring. I needed to find the courage to bring this new Kate to the surface. I can do that right? I take a deep breath turning to start the shower.


****


“So did you have fun?” Paul asked as we strode along, walking on the beach. “Yes I did. Who knew there was so much to do on the beach.” I smile up at him—taking off my flip flops, burying my feet in the sand with each step.

“Well apparently only you are out on that one,” and whispering in my ear he continues, “I think everyone else has always known.” Laughing I playfully hit him with a flip flop, “Shut up. I told you this was my first time.”

We had gone walking on the peer, stopping at different shops on the way. He had insisted on getting me something to remember this day--my first time on the beach. But after several times telling him no—we stopped at this one cute quaint shop that held some of the prettiest hand-made and antique jewelry.

Walking in I immediately could not take my eyes off this one piece. It was a simple silver armband—but what held my attention was the design. It was an eye—it looked Egyptian. The eye was slanted and it had a blue gem in the center at its pupil.

“Do you like it?” Paul asked once he noticed I had stopped in the middle of the store. “Yea I do. Its so simple and yet…there’s something beautiful about it.”

“Let me buy it for you.” “No I couldn’t but thanks though.”

We had finally left the shop with me pulling Paul away--trying to convince him that this day I would remember anyway. And some random jewelry wouldn’t change that and make it any more special than it already was.

“You still should have let me get you something.” Paul finally said taking my hand. Smiling at him I reply, “Haven’t we already went over this?”

“Yes. But you haven’t stopped touching your arm since we left. I’d say someone has taken a liking to a certain piece of jewelry.” Realizing I was touching my arm--I pull my hand away, “So? I touch myself in random places all the time.”

Laughing Paul turns to me, “Is that so?” “Look at you—I was so not even meaning it that way. Thinking dirty thoughts are we?” “Well I am here on the beach holding hands with a beautiful woman—who has just told me she likes touching herself.”

Letting out a laugh I bump him on the shoulder, “I did not say that.” He glances at me smiling. We see Jenn and another girl running up to us laughing, “Hey you two.” Jenn finally said catching a breath.

Trying not to show my irritation at being interrupted—and by her no less—I put on a cute smile, putting back on my flip flops. Paul waves at them saying, “Did you guys finally figure out who is sleeping where?”

“Yes we did. Sam here wanted the blue room—but I told her nope it was the second best room in the house.” And looking at me with narrowed eyes she continues saying, “since the best room was already taken.”

Paul turns to me smiling, “Yep. Kate here has already called dibs.” Smiling at Paul I turn to Jenn, “I don’t mind switching rooms—I don’t need a lot to enjoy myself. I could sleep here on the beach for all I care.”

Realizing her ploy to make me feel--well like crap, didn’t work. She plastered on her cheeky smile ignoring me.

I mentally pat myself on the back--okay I’m more like doing somersaults all around the beach, screaming ‘woo hoo! whos the man’ or woman in this case.

“Kate?” Paul looks at me. “Yea?” “So do you want to?”

Realizing I had totally tuned them out during my whole mental ‘victory dance’ I look up at him, “Im sorry what now?”

“Would you like to have dinner with everyone here? Jenn asked if we would be joining them. They are having a bonfire here on the beach tonight.” “Oh, okay. Well sure that sounds like fun.”

“Well Jenn count us in.” Paul finally said turning back to her. “Cool. Okay well we will see you…both tonight.” Jenn says with a sneaky smile locking arms with Sam as they turned away.

Knowing Jenn I could bet she had something up her sleeves for tonight—something more than grilled food and a bonfire. Whatever, bring it on. I release Paul’s hand turning to him, “I will see you at the house okay?”

“Wait, where are you going?” I turn around walking backwards, “Nature calls.” Smiling I turn around heading up to the house.

“I see you and your boyfriend are getting along pretty well.” Startled I stop at the door, turning on the porch.

I see Lee on the swing, looking at me with dark eyes. I pretend not to notice his ‘obvious’ glare, and put on a cheeky smile saying, “Yea I know. Isn’t it great?”

I open the screen door--I wasn’t going to let him ruin my mood. He had pissed me off one to many times. “You think he cares for you? He only wants one thing. And we both know what that is.”

Shocked I release the door looking at him, “What are you like--eight? Stop being childish Lee.” “Childish?” “Yea—‘he only wants one thing’ come on.”

“Have you given it to him already?” Instead of screaming no! which was the truth. I wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction. So instead I pretend to pause considering, “Who knows maybe tonight if his lucky.”

I turn around walking back, “Yea I think tonight will be the night.” I slam the door leaving Lee behind.

The Sexy in me

Shaking at the sink—I turn on the tap. I look down at my hands trying to calm my nerves and reflexively bring them together giving them a squeeze.

My heart was pounding, my body trembling, and I could not stop my eyes from tearing up—as I looked in the mirror. No, I will not do this—not now. Not over him. I bring my hand up wiping the first tear that sprung up in my eyes--forcing my eyes closed.

What has happened to my best-friend? Where was my Lee? One minute his playing around like he has no care in the world. Like our friendship--or lack thereof for the past few weeks hasn’t bothered him—at all. And just now—I have never seen him so…so…I dunno.

He has never spoken to me like that—ever. Never has it been like this. We have always been able to--well talk to each other. Something that has always came naturally to us. It was one of the things that made us--us. And now…

Failing miserably at trying to hold in tears, I feel them roll down my cheeks. Instinctively I opened my eyes looking at my wet face. Instead of wiping them away, I look in the mirror and stare blankly at myself.

And why hadn’t I done anything to fix this already? To stop whatever is going on between us--nipping this shit in the bud. Why have I let it go on for this long?

In the past I would have just shaken the crap out of Lee telling him to snap out of it. But I hadn’t--I haven’t done anything.

These last few weeks—I have tried calling him several times. But as the days—then weeks went by…I just I dunno… Have I given up on us? It just didn’t seem like me—something I would do.

Me and Lee have had fights—but we have never extended them beyond the time it took for us to look at each other realizing our ‘stupidity’—and then laughing about it minutes later. And now… What were we doing?

I hear a knock, “Kate?” Holding my breath--trying to sound normal I respond, “Yea?” “Sorry to bother you. Paul just sent me up here to ask if you had any preferences for dinner tonight?”

Realizing it was Sam--not Jenn. I silently let out a breath. I didn’t know if I could fool Jenn—she normally went fishing for something to throw in my face. And me in the bathroom crying my eyes out would have been a ‘prime catch’.

Splashing my face, I take a towel patting it dry. “Kate are you there?”

Clearing my throat, I speak to the door saying, “Yea umm...tell him anything will be fine. I’m not picky.” “Are you sure?” “Yea.” “Okay I’ll let him know. Thanks Kate.”

I hear footsteps as she walks out of the room, shutting the door. I take a deep breath leaving the bathroom. I walk over to the bed falling down in the plump pillows.

I take a blanket curling up underneath. Last thing I remember is watching the orange and pink sky as the sun kissed my skin.


****


“Kate?” Someone gently stirs me. “Hmm?” I respond automatically still half-asleep.

“I didn’t want to wake you. But everyone has been asking me where you were. And well I guess I’m being a little selfish—but I’ve been missing you like crazy,” He replied with a light chuckle.

Finally opening my eyes I look up into Paul’s smiling face. I smile up at him blinking my fuzzy eyes. Still resting on the pillow I look at him, “Have I been asleep long?” “No. Just a couple of hours.”

Looking away from him I noticed the sun was gone replaced by darkness. It was night. Finally sitting up I look at Paul, “I'm sorry. I didn’t mean to fall asleep.” I wipe my sleepy eyes.

“No, don’t be silly it’s okay. The sun just went down. Jenn and the others have only recently started the bonfire, so you’re okay—you haven’t missed much,” Paul says chuckling and continues by saying, “But I have missed you.”

“Is that so?” I say trying to sound cute—but it came out sounding croaked and dry. I clear my throat, “Give me a few minutes?”

“Yes of course” Paul said getting up from the bed walking to the door. “Paul?” “Yea?” He stops at the door turning around.

“Should I wear my bathing suit?” I ask noticing him in swimming trunks and a slightly wet t-shirt. He stifles a laugh looking at me, “Only if you want to get wet.” He stands at the door with playful blue eyes and a sly smile.

And feeling a little nervous--okay maybe more than a little, I smile up at him saying, “Okay cool.” “See you down there?” I nod my head getting up from the bed.

After cleaning my face I look in my bags. What to wear? Hmm.

I pull out two suits—I had bought four just in case. Two simple ones for the beach: a rustic orange two piece—placing it on the bed as one of my choices for tonight.

The other full piece I grabbed at the last minute—just in case I chickened out. But the other two--let’s just say I let the ‘new Kate’ pick out and boy did she ever.

One a dark brown, the top was low cut and it had straps that tied in back—the bottom had open rings at the top with light and dark brown swirls that went around my entire hips--very low cut showing some of my ass.

And the other even more exotic one was red—I left that one in my suitcase. There was no way I was bringing her out tonight.

I stood staring at the suits--I quickly grab the brown one putting it on. I walk to the bathroom and finish getting ready--taking down my hair fluffing it out. I apply a touch of eyeliner to bring out my eyes smoothing lip gloss on my lips. And before I could chicken out I walk out of the bathroom not looking back.

I grab a long beige see through wrap-around skirt--tying it around my hips, and put on a matching top that scrunched up just under my breast that hung low on my shoulders—and leave the room.

I pause at the steps and take a deep breath. Okay Kate you can do this. It is time to show you—what you’ve got.

Making my way down the stairs with my heart pounding and my legs trembling, I finally make it to the front door walking out of the house.


“There she is,” a rather cute guy with shaggy light brown hair and brown eyes said looking over his shoulder as I approached. “I assume you are Kate—yes?”

Sounding a little nervous I smile at him, “Yes.” “Well hey, nice to meet you. I’m John.” Realizing my nervousness as I played with my hands—he points to a log beside him, “Here sit down. Are you hungry?” “Yea a little.” But my stomach was so tied up in knots I didn’t think I could eat anything.

“Me too—actually I’m more than a little. Hurry up guys! I’m starving!” He said laughing as he rubbed his stomach. I notice two other guys at the grill laughing with each other—obviously ignoring him.

“So…your Paul’s new woman. Wow—he has been holding out on me.” Seeing my confusion he continues, “I work with him and well—we like to show off our latest conquest-eh so to speak. And he has been keeping you under wraps for a while now. I’d say he likes you. And now that I see you—I can see why.” John said stifling a laugh.

I give him a shy smile saying, “Well thanks. Umm…have you seen Paul?” I hadn’t seen any familiar faces since I walked out. Where were they?

“Oh. I think they are all down at the beach—playing around. While me and Chad here have been stuck grilling the food.” He finally said not sounding pleased.

“Oh, okay. Well it was nice to meet you.” “Yea you too—I’ll holler when the food is ready which should be here shortly.” “Okay thanks,” I get up slowly walking down to the beach.

As I approach I see Paul, Sam, and another girl splashing each other in the water. Paul turns his head and notices me sitting down at the shore. He stops slowly walking out of the water--and I watch him as he does.

His body was of course soaking wet and his piercing blue eyes never left mine as he watched me--watching him. Droplets of water slowly slid down his naked chest finally hitting the sand at his feet.

He shook his dirty blond hair lightly splashing me with water as he came to stand in front of me. Smiling I pretend to be annoyed wiping it off, “Hey stop it.”

Laughing he shakes his head again, his hair falling in his eyes. “There is no point in being at the beach—if you don’t want to get wet.” He finally said smiling down at me. “I never said that I didn’t want to.” I say laughing as he sits down beside me.

I pretend not notice as his eyes slowly travel up my legs resting in-between my thighs. He gently tugs on my skirt that lay open at my hips pretending to finally peek at my bathing suit, “So…you do want to get wet I see.”

I look away from the water and smile glancing at him. He finally brings his face up meeting my eyes, “So do you wanna get in?” he asked gesturing at the water.

I pretend to think about it—but my mind was already made up. I didn’t want to--I wasn’t ready to take off what little clothing I had on. Especially since the mood between us—was definitely going someplace I didn’t think I was quite ready for--at least yet.

“Maybe later.” “Maybe?” “Okay. Okay, definitely later—after we eat. I’m kind of hungry.” I say using food as a buffer—I was beyond nervous.

“Okay cool. Well let’s go see what’s cooking,” Paul says laughing as he got up and reached out his hand. I take it getting up--silently letting out a breath that I still had time to work up some courage.


After finishing what little I did eat--I sip on my drink. Despite not wanting to—I couldn’t help but wonder where Lee was. Had he left?

Remembering our last words to each other earlier today—I silently hoped he hadn’t. If I wanted to fix this--which I did. Well I needed him present to do it. Even if I was still upset with him--it was Lee and I needed to find my best-friend right now.

I hadn't seen Jenn either--not that I wanted to. But Jenn and Lee obvious came together—and I was a little worried that maybe they both decided to leave since I hadn’t seen either of them since I woke up.

“Where is Jenn? I thought the whole ‘grill and bonfire’ thing was her idea.” I say turning to Paul as he took another bite of his hot dog. Realizing I had asked in the middle of him eating I reply, “Oops sorry.”

He lets out a muffled chuckle swallowing, “I don’t know. They were down here earlier—I have no idea where she went. Hold on I’ll ask Sam.” He gets up in search of Sam.

I walk over putting my plate in the trash. “Can I talk to you?” Knowing who it was I slowly turn around meeting his eyes.

For some reason I couldn’t bring myself to speak--all the words went flying out of my head the moment I turned to face him. And realizing I was holding my breath I finally let it out, “Yea.” He grabs my arm pulling me away from the crowd.

We finally stopped at the edge of the shore. I look up at him silently waiting for him to speak.

He doesn’t—instead he looks away at the water. “Lee?” He slowly turns his head to look at me.

“There you are!” Jenn says a little loudly--getting our attention. Lee turns looking at her.

“I was wondering where you were.” Jenn finally said sounding not too pleased--that she found him here with me I was sure.

She stalks over to us glaring at me--I didn’t turn to look at her. She pulls on his arm, “Come on lets go—we haven’t ate yet and I could use some food.”

Shocked that Lee didn’t budge she yanks on his shirt, “Lee let’s go!” “Don’t talk to him like that!” I spat without even realizing it.

Shocked they both turn looking at me. Jenn narrows her eyes, “What did you say?”

Clearing my throat--trying to give myself time to stop shaking with anger I look at her, “You heard me.” Rolling her eyes ignoring me she turns back to Lee, “Babe—lets go. Please?”

Lee still staring at me--finally breaks his stare walking away with Jenn. I watch as they both leave me standing at the shore.

Shaking with anger--I turn around facing the water. Trying to calm my nerves--and furious beyond words--I feel tears welling up in my eyes—No! I take a deep breath staring blankly out.

It is time Kate—right here, right now. Let me out and I will show you what you can do. I will make you feel better.

Surprised at what I had just thought--but to angry to think any further I feel myself let go.

Feeling a rush--a new sense of purpose I calmly turn around walking back to the crowd. I hear music and see people dancing.

I spot Paul in the crowd sitting down around the camp with Lee, Jenn, and a couple of others bopping to the music.

And without a moment of hesitation I walk over to him. “Hey!” He said finally seeing me. And without speaking I stand in front of him—looking down at him.

Realizing something different about me--he only stared up at me not saying a word. And closing my eyes I bring my hands up slowly running them through my hair as my body begins to sway to the music.

I open my eyes and watch his shocked--yet smiling face as he watched me slowly move my hands down my body--as my hips moved instinctively to the sound.

Running my hands over my breasts I slowly pull my scrunchie top over my head--throwing it at his feet. Paralyzed with utter shock he doesn’t pick it up--staring at me as I unwrapped my skirt letting it drop to the ground.

I walk up to him bending down lightly licking his closed lips with my tongue. I turn around sitting in his lap--moving my ass feeling him rise underneath me.

Turning around I see Lee--not taking my eyes off him I continue moving my body leaning back against Paul. And staring at me with complete shock and utter fury--he gets up walking away.

Smiling I turn back around finally leaning in Paul’s ear, “Thanks for sharing another first with me.” And I turn around walking away.

The Fire in me

Sitting down at the shore with my body trembling, and my thoughts scattered—I lay down gazing at the stars.

I hear footsteps--feeling the vibration underneath me as they got closer. Knowing who it was I closed my eyes waiting.

“What the hell was that?!” Lee shouts as he finally stood over me. I could feel his anger and hear his heavy breathing as he waited for me to answer.

I slowly opened my eyes looking up at him, “What was what?” I say sounding calm--completely at ease closing my eyes.

Hearing him take a deep breath trying to calm himself--I feel his eyes bore into mine. “Kate!” “What?” I say not opening my eyes.

“Kate look at me!” I open my eyes--staring at him. Feeling my anger rise I spat, “What?!” “WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!” Instead of answering--I let out a breath, “Leave me alone Lee.”

“No!” “No?” “No!” “Fine—then I guess we both won’t get what we want. Because I don’t have to explain myself to you. I can do whatever the hell I please--and feeling Paul underneath me pleased me just fine.”

Knowing I had pissed him off even more--I closed my eyes expecting him to leave. But he didn’t--surprised I opened them.

And looking down at me he lets out a laugh, “What--you were expecting me to walk away? I’m not that easy Kate--right now I am beyond easy.”

“What the hell do you want from me? You haven’t spoken to me in weeks--weeks! Lee and now what you expect me to bow down to you? Sorry but no--I’ve moved on.” “You’ve moved on?” I close my eyes not responding. “Kate?!”

Tell him Kate. Tell him what you really think.

I calmly open my eyes getting up. Standing in front of him I meet his eyes.

Without a word I take my hand slowly running it up his body, “I know you want me Lee.”

Feeling him catch his breath I continue pulling his shirt up touching the rim of his shorts moving up his chest, “I know it killed you watching me play with Paul.”

Bringing my face to his ear I whisper, “I know you wanted it to be you.” I lightly play with his ear with my tongue, “Why are you pretending that you don’t want me? That the reason you haven’t been around me since that night is because you liked what you saw—and you wanted me for yourself?.”

Hearing his silent breaths I slowly trail my hand down rubbing over-top his shorts--feeling him stiff under my palm. I smile up at him, “See? You like me touching you.”

Looking in his dark eyes I bring my face to his licking my lips, “You have never wanted anything more--than for me to touch you like this.”

Moving closer I pull his body against mine, “I know you’ve been silently waiting for this moment.”

I bring my lips to his almost touching, “So why are you being such a chicken shit?”

Looking at his lips--slowly gliding my tongue across mine I whisper, “Huh Lee?” Finally walking away.


****


“Kate?” I turn over in bed opening my eyes. “Kate are you up?”

I hear Paul at the door--I don’t get up waiting for him to leave. I had locked my door last night--I needed time to think. I had so much swirling around in my head that needed my attention--I didn’t need any distractions. But I had fallen asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow--exhausted.

Last night something…happened in me--I have never felt as alive as I did last night. I had let go--finally releasing my old self: The me that hid--scared at everything and everyone.

The me that let others dictate every thought and feeling she ever had about herself--letting them decide what she was capable of--or worth. Yes the old me died last night--and I hadn’t looked back. Feeling free for the first time--ever.

I had no idea who this new me was--and more importantly what she was capable of but I was more than ready. It was time to feel differently--see things differently. It was time to shine.

Kicking the covers off I get up walking to the bathroom.After I clean my face--getting ready, I skip down to the kitchen.

I see Paul, Sam, John and the guys I had seen last night at the grill—eating what looked like a buffet of food. “Hey everyone,” I finally said gleaming as I came in opening the fridge.

Taken aback they all turned to look at me. Realizing how quiet the room had gotten--and pretending I had no idea why I grab some orange juice popping a strawberry in my mouth closing the fridge.

I go to the table looking at the food, “Wow--yum there are so many choices. Let’s see what do I want?” Licking the juice from the strawberry off my lips—I grab a croissant tearing off a piece.

“So…umm how did you sleep?” Paul finally said as I gulped down the orange juice. Looking at him I smile, “Lovely—and you?”

“Not bad—I was looking for you last night, where did you go?” Instead of answering I walk up to him bending down kissing his cheek, “I bet you were.”

Hearing chuckles across the room I turn and see John stifling a laugh. “What’s so funny John?” Finally catching his breath he replied, “Paul--you put it on him last night. I don’t think I have ever seen him so shocked--and I should know.”

“Is that so?” I say taking another bite of my croissant. Hearing a door shut everyone instinctively turn their heads--hearing footsteps on the steps. Jenn and Lee came walking into the kitchen.

Seeing me in the room they both pause for a moment--and pretending I didn’t see I smile at them, “Hey guys.” Jenn ignores me sitting at the table beside Sam. “Umm Hey,” Lee finally said sitting next to her--looking away.

“How did you sleep?” Jenn looks at me--with pure hate in her eyes. Looking at everyone else she responds pretending to laugh, “We hardly slept—if you get my drift. Lee was on me all night.” Lee looks at her and hearing chuckles around the table--she finally looks at me smiling.

I turn and looking at Lee’s blanked expression as he glanced at me--and not looking away I smile at him saying, “Hmm I wonder why…” Knowing what I meant Lee clears his throat--grabbing his glass taking a drink.

Jenn looks at me, “What is that supposed to mean?” Not knowing I hadn’t meant it for her--I turn to her saying, “Oh, nothing. It’s was an inside joke--you wouldn’t understand.” “Whatever,” Jenn finally said rolling her eyes at me.

And after the room had gotten quiet Jenn finally spoke, “Someone was showing it ‘all’ last night.” Hearing plates clank as everyone froze for a split second--as they tried to hide their expressions—I look at Jenn. She pretends to eat--without a care in the world.

Normally this would have been around the time I would have crawled up with shame--crying my eyes out minutes later. But that me was gone--burned. She was no more.

Seeing everyone stares--as they looked at me. I realize I had started to laugh. Still laughing I look at her, “Jealous Jenn?” Shocked she looks at me, “What?” And looking her dead in the eyes I respond, “Jealous?”

“No!” “No? Stop lying--Jenn. Because I think you are.”

And looking around the table as everyone looked at her--waiting for her to speak Jenn finally spat at me, “You’re the one who’s jealous Kate--of me. You can’t stand that Lee is with me—because you want him for yourself! I see the way you look at him--you secretly wish he was with you!” “Jenn--stop.” Lee says looking at her.

“No Lee it’s okay” I say looking at him, “I started this--so let me finish.” “No! You both need to just stop!” “Fine!” Jenn says getting up from the table storming out of the room.

I take the last bite of my croissant turning to Paul, “Come to me later?” “Ah yes yes of course.” He finally said a little startled. I bend down slowly kissing him on the mouth.

I pull away licking my lips, “Hmm…they do taste as good as they look.” Smiling at him I turn around--winking at Lee as I leave the room.

The Lover in me

At the beach--I finally step into the water. Feeling tingles as my body adjusted to its coolness--I begin to swim farther out. Neck up in water I finally lay back floating with each small current--letting it take me with it as I released my footing.

Completely at ease watching the sky--I see birds flying over and beautiful plump clouds steadily moving with the wind. I let out a breath closing my eyes.

I couldn’t help but think about this morning--fighting with Jenn. I had never done anything like that--I would have never called her out or anyone else for that matter--before. I would have sucked it up--keeping it all inside. Telling myself it made me the ‘bigger person’.

But this morning in my room--after the whole ‘Jenn fiasco’—I had felt so…empowered. Feeling strong, feeling more beautiful--than I ever thought I could.

Realizing I was in control of my own happiness--and feeling worth every bit of it. I realized being the ‘bigger person’ was a cop-out--a way for me to not deal with anything.

Pushing myself even further down into numbness and self-pity--until eventually giving up or convincing myself--it didn’t matter. But it did--it always did.

Underneath the lie--was the truth. What I felt—how I felt--did matter. It always mattered. And pretending nothing bothered me--that I was above it all--was a lie. I felt, I hurt, I cried, I laughed--I was alive just like everyone else.

Ignoring my feelings--ignoring myself wouldn’t change that—even if I thought it did. Even if eventually I had let the lie--become my ‘truth’. It was still there buried underneath all my effort to keep it hidden.

“Kate.” Hearing my name--faintly muffled as my ears were submerged under water—I lift my head.

I see Sam waving as she swam up to me standing up out of the water. A little surprised that it was her--I finally sit up—gaining my footing, “Hey.” She smiles at me saying, “I saw you floating out here--I got a little worried.”

Laughing I respond, “Oh. I’m okay--just enjoying the water. I forgot how much I loved it.” Laughing with me she replied, “Oh I know--every chance I get I come out here. But I thought you had never been to the beach?”

“I haven’t--but I have been in pools before.” She lets out a laugh pretending to hit her head, “Well duh—I don’t know why I didn’t think of that. So…umm are you okay?”

Realizing what she was referring to I smile at her, “Yea I am--better than okay actually, thanks. How is Jenn--is she still upset?”

Looking away she finally lets out a chuckle, “She’ll be fine—this isn’t the first time she has gotten worked up over something--and it won’t be last I’m sure. She’s a hot-headed girl anyway.”

Surprised at Sam’s words--but more than that Sam herself that she was actually here--talking to me—I feel myself smile. I had thought after this morning--I would have been on her shit list for sure—I look at her, “So are you and Jenn close?”

“Not really--I mean I have known her for a while. But I met her through Paul--who I have known all my life. We grew up together—so if you need any dirt--I’m your girl,” she says letting out a laugh.

Stifling a laugh of my own I respond saying, “Well thanks—that’s good to know.” Realizing it had gotten a little awkward at the mention of Paul’s name I look at her, “So you and Paul are pretty close then?”

“Umm…yea I guess you can say that. I mean I have

seen him running around--in his tighty-whities before.” Laughing with her I respond, “Yea I guess so then.”

“So what about you and Lee? You guys are best friends right?” “Yea--well we were but…I dunno. Things have been a little weird between us lately.”

“Yea I can tell--well I mean judging from this morning anyway. Paul told me you guys were like this

,” she brings her hand up and gestures with her fingers--wrapping one finger around the other.

“Yea we are—I mean we were.” And letting out a sigh I continue, “I just hope we can be that way again--I miss him ya know?” Feeling my silent frustration she responds, “I wouldn’t worry about it—I think you guys will work it out.” “Yea I hope so.”

“So…a couple of us are getting ready to play some beach volleyball--would you like to join?” “Yea okay, that could be fun. Yay! Volleyball--another thing I forgot that I loved.”

Smiling at me she gestures with her hands, “Come on then--let’s go wipe the floor with these guys.” And getting up laughing with her--we swam back to shore.


****


“There you are.” I turn and see Paul walking toward me--joining me on the steps. “So I heard about you and Sam’s ass kicking on the beach today.”

Smiling at him I respond, “Yea--well Sam’s ass kicking. I was a little rusty.” He stifles a laugh, “Well I heard differently. Sam has officially declared you as her new team-mate. She likes the way you ‘spike the ball’—I think those were her exact words.” Paul finally said smiling at me.

I glance at him smiling. “Are you okay?” I look at him, “Yea—why?”

“I don’t know--you seem…’far-away’ I guess.” “Oh I’m okay--just thinking.” I finally said putting on what I hoped was a reassuring smile.

The truth was I had so much swimming around in my head--thinking was the last thing I wanted to do. After me and Sam's 'ass kicking'--as Paul put it earlier today. I had wanted sometime to myself--to be alone. Hoping that would...I dunno 'clear' my head.

I had walked on the peer and sat on a bench looking out at the water for I don't how long--admiring the ocean--it's depth.

Silently thinking how much we were alike--how the surface was just that--the surface. There was so more underneath--like me. Waiting to be discovered--or not. I guess that choice was up to me...

"Kate?" "Yea?" I said finally turning to look at him. "Are you sure you're okay?"

I smile at him--and pretending I had snapped out of my 'silent haze'--I bump him on the shoulder, “So what have you been doing since lunch? I didn’t see you at the beach this afternoon.”

He lets out a laugh. And seeing his expression I let out a chuckle of my own, "What? What's so funny?"

He looks at me laughing--shaking his head, "No I cant--you'll think I'm a perv."

Surprised at his response--and silently gaining interest I look at him, "Come on--you have to tell me now. What is it?"

Laughing he lets out a sigh, “Well this is kind of embarrassing but me and some of the guys had a bet going on. And let’s just say--we lost horribly. So now we have to cook dinner for the girls tonight.”

“Oh really? And what was the bet?” He lets out a laugh, “Well that’s the embarrassing part--we were...betting to see if John could pull off convincing these two girls to sleep with him.” Shocked I let out a laugh, “What?!”

He turns to me laughing, “Yea I know. But me and Chad thought he could do it--he has before. Chad has been sulking ever since--he hates to lose.”

“So…what happened to these two girls--I’m guessing since you guys lost did they kick his ass or something?”

“Yea, pretty much--one even slapped him. You should have seen John—I don’t think that has ever happened to him before. He didn’t know what to do with himself. It was so funny.” He finally said shaking his head.

Laughing with him I respond, “Well who won?” “Oh Jenn and her girlfriend Ronnie--and they haven’t let us hear the end of it.”

Smiling I look at him, “So do you guys need any help--with dinner tonight? I'm not much of a cook--but I have watched enough of 'other people' doing it on t.v.”

Letting out a laugh--he shakes his head, “No, I couldn't--even though I have had to pull a not-to-happy Chad around all evening while we shopped for food--it’s been a chore to say the least. But you are my guest Kate. And I'm not too

bad in the kitchen--and knowing you will be tasting it--well it makes it even more special.”

Smiling I respond, “You're too cute--have I told you that already?"

Laughing he looks at me, "Yes you have--but I could stand hearing it again." Smiling I look in his eyes, "Well--you are just too

cute Paul."

He Lets out a laugh--and smiles meeting my eyes, “So…about that kiss…”

I smile at him, “Yea? What about it?” Smiling he takes my hand--gently rubbing his thumb over it as he held it, “Is there a chance I could be getting another one of those in the future--like now maybe? I haven’t been able to stop thinking about your lips all day.”

He looks at my lips--and lightly tugs on my bottom one. Staring in his eyes I look down at his lips--as he brings his face closer. Closing my eyes I wait. He brings his hand up slightly running it through my hair finally kissing me.

Letting it happen--I open my mouth kissing him back. I bring my hand up--running it through his hair as we played with our tongues.

And silently waiting for something to happen--a feeling, a wanting deep within me somewhere--he finally pulls away.

I open my eyes looking in his--it never came.

Maybe I just needed to try harder?--or maybe I had just become too ‘rusty’ at this 'kissing thing' and I had completely missed it?

Maybe if we kissed for longer...

I liked Paul. He was adorable. He was funny, smart, sexy as hell--and incredibly sweet. He was the whole package—a true gentleman. And I even enjoyed kissing him I realized. So I should be…I dunno feeling something right about now. Shouldn’t I? So why wasn’t I? What was wrong with me?

“Kate? What’s wrong?” Realizing I was still staring at him--with all I was thinking apparently written all over my face--I pretend to clear my throat letting out a laugh, “Oh nothing is wrong—it’s just…it’s been awhile since anyone has kissed me that’s all.”

“Wow really?” Silently letting out a breath that he bought it--even though I was actually telling the truth I respond, “Yea.”

“That is really hard to believe--just look at you. You are beyond beautiful Kate.” Blushing I smile at him. Hearing stomps grow louder as they approach--the screen door finally opens.

Turning our heads we see Chad pause--startled as he saw us on the steps, “Oh hey. Dude they are ready to eat. So we should go ahead and get this over with. Sorry Kate but I have to steal your man for a while.” He finally said sounding annoyed.

“Oh it’s okay,” and I turn to Paul saying, “I guess I’ll see you at dinner?”

“Of course—I’ll let you know when it’s ready. I hope you like it.” He finally said sounding a little nervous as he lightly kissed me on the lips following Chad into the house.


After eating the best ‘home-made’ food I had had in a while--and silently thankful that no fights broke out during dinner, I walk upstairs to my room.

Jenn and I had been on our best behavior--choosing to ignore each other seemed to work pretty well. She didn’t even give me any hateful looks or snappy comments--which surprised me. But it also made me feel a lot better too.

Maybe there was a friendship waiting in the wings for us after all--okay maybe I’m getting a little carried away. But who knows maybe.

Lee didn’t show. I got the feeling maybe something happened between them. When someone asked Jenn where he was--she just shrugged saying he had to do something. But she never explained what that something was.

Even though I was kind of bummed I hadn’t seen him--a part of me was also relieved. I didn’t know how I was going to fix this--I didn’t even know if our friendship could be fixed. Maybe it was over. I just couldn’t bring myself to believe that though--there had to be something I could do.

I take a shower and closing the bathroom door--I turn and see Lee sitting on my bed. Realizing I was standing in the room--he finally looked up at me, “Hey.”

Surprised that he was actually here--in my room I clear my throat saying, “Hey.” I slowly walk over putting my clothes away.

“So…how was your day?” Lee said as he watches me zip up my suitcase. “Oh umm…it was quite good actually. Me and Sam kicked ass on the beach playing volleyball.”

“Really? I forgot how much you loved to play.” “Yea I know--me too.” Sitting on the bed I look at him, “So…how was your day?”

Looking at me he smiles, “Well it wasn’t as eventful as yours—but it was okay.” I smile at him, “So...where have you been all day?”

“Out.” Lee finally said. And realizing he wasn’t going to say anymore--as I sat there waiting for him to, I respond, “Okay, so what’s up?”

Startled he looks at me. “What?” “There has to be something ‘up’ for me to talk to you now?”

“No. But…come on we haven’t ‘talked’ to each other in a really long time--longer than it has ever been. I just thought maybe you had something specifically you wanted to talk about--that’s all.”

Looking away he shrugs, “I don’t know--do you have something ‘specifically’ you want to say to me?” He finally said turning to look at me. “No.” “No?”

I don’t know why--but I didn’t want to have the whole ‘where is our friendship going’ conversation. I just for once--wanted to just enjoy his company--like we use to. Right now I just wanted him to be ‘my Lee’ again. “No not really--other than I’ve missed you.”

Letting out a laugh he responds, “For some reason I find that a little hard to believe.” “Well whatever it’s true--have you missed me? And if you say you haven’t--I am going to kill you.”

Laughing he says, “Well then I better not say anything.” Knowing he was only joking--trying to be funny and pretending I didn’t know that--I bring my hand to my heart, “Ah that hurts Lee. That really hurts.”

He lets out a laugh--and laughing with him I look at him smiling. It felt so good--this felt so good. I had missed this. And until now--sitting here with him--I didn’t know how much I had missed it.

I lay back on the bed--sitting up my on my elbow. Lee turns around facing me on the bed. “So…how are things with you and Paul?”

Looking in his eyes--knowing that he was being genuine. That he really wanted to talk to me about it—as my friend. I smile at him, “Things are great actually--well they have the potential to be I think.”

“Are you ready for something like that—a boyfriend I mean? I mean it is you

we are talking about here.”

Laughing with him--I hit his knee, “What is that supposed to mean?” “I don’t know--it’s you Kate. I don’t think you’ve actually ever had one--at least since I’ve known you. And I have known you…how long have I known you?” He pretends to think about it, “Since forever it seems.” He finally said smiling at me.

“Well people change--I’ve changed--or haven’t you noticed?” He looks down tugging on his pants, “I’ve noticed.” “Good--because I like the new me.”

“She’s okay,” he finally said turning to me--smiling.

“Just okay huh?” He smiles--and I watch his expression change as he suddenly looks down staring at my belly. Realizing my tank top had risen showing my belly button--I quickly pull it down.

“I’ll be right back,” I finally said getting up walking to the bathroom. I shut the door leaning against it.

Realizing my heart was pounding--I take a deep breath.

Why was I nervous?? Why did Lee looking at me--that small part of me no less…make me feel--well like this? Realizing I had goosebumps I rub my arms. I go to the sink splashing my face.

I had practically stripped in front of Paul and not once had I thought about--what he thought about it.

But now with Lee... I silently wished I did know.

Lee has always been so… I dunno ‘hidden’ when it comes to things like this--at least with me. And until now I had never gave it much thought. I mean until only recently had I started to really give my own self any attention. So what Lee thought about me--other than me being his ratty best-friend—never entered my mind. Until now…

“Kate.” Hearing Lee at the door I jump. “Yea?” “Are you coming out anytime soon?” “Yea—just a minute.” Pretending to groan--annoyed. I hear footsteps as he walked away from the door.

Looking in the mirror I let out a breath. What are you doing Kate? Snap out of it.

I turn around leaving the room.

Looking up at me as I came into the room he lets out an 'exaggerated' sigh, “About time--what were you doing in there?”

And instead of answering I surprise myself saying, “How do you really feel about me Lee?”

The Passion in me

Surprised at my response he stares at me,“What? What do you mean?”

“I mean--how-do-you-really-feel-about-me?” I say enunciating every word as I said it. “Kate what is this about?” “Can’t you just answer the question!?”

“You know how I feel about you! You’re my best friend! Hello--it’s me Lee you’re talking to.”

And feeling my anger rise--I spat, “Cut the crap! You know what I mean Lee! Hello

--it’s me Kate you’re talking to. I know when you’re dodging a question!”

“I don’t know--what do you want me to say!?” “Dammit Lee--I’m asking you!”

Hearing a knock we both turn our heads. “Kate? Is everything okay?” Realizing it was Paul--and he had over-heard us shouting I clear my throat saying, “Yea I’m okay.”

“Well can I come in?” “No!” Lee spat shouting at the door. Shocked I turn looking at Lee.

“Umm…Kate?” Paul finally said obviously taken aback that he heard Lee shouting. And without warning Lee gets up opening the door, “What do you want?”

Ignoring Lee Paul peeks over his shoulder looking at me, “Are you okay?” “She just told you she was! So why don’t you just go bother someone else?!”

Still shocked that Lee was talking to Paul--like he was. I gain my footing walking up to the door smiling at Paul--trying to buffer the obvious tension between them as they both stood facing each other.

“Paul really I’m okay--me and Lee were just having a spat is all. We’re okay though.” And turning to me with fire in his eyes Lee responds, “Oh so now--we’re okay?”

Ignoring Lee I look at Paul, “I’ll come to you--later okay?” And before Paul could respond Lee looks at me, “Like hell you will.”

“Don’t talk to her like that!” Paul spat shouting at Lee. “I don’t know how you normally talk to her--but you will not

talk to my girlfriend that way in front me--or ever!”

“Your girlfriend huh?” “Yea--why you jealous?” “Okay guys that’s enough!” I say stepping in-between them.

Lee walks away--sitting on my bed. I turn to Paul, “Really Paul it’s okay,” I say looking him in the eyes. “Are you sure?” “Yes I’m sure.” “Just go away already!” Lee said sounding annoyed as he sat on the bed.

Rolling his eyes--ignoring him Paul looks at me, “Okay well I’ll see you later then?” “Yes.” “Okay. Can I have a kiss before I go?”

Feeling Lee’s eyes on my back--I smile at Paul, “Right now—I don’t know if that is such a good id--“ And before I knew it he was kissing me on the mouth.

Feeling someone yank me off I look up and see Lee glaring at Paul, “Don’t do that again--do you hear me? If she doesn’t want you kissing her--you better not put your fucking

hands on her. Got that?” Lee finally said slamming the door in Paul’s face.

“What was that?!” I finally said once I came back from utter shock. Lee rolls his eyes--not responding. “Lee!” “What?!” “What the hell was that?!”

“He shouldn’t have kissed you Kate! He better be glad all I did is slam the door in his fucking face.” Lee said staring at the floor.

I couldn't believe this was happening--no. I couldn't believe Lee. I have never seen him so...so... I dunno--angry

. Did my question upset him this much??

“Lee?” I finally said--trying to sound as calm as I could. “What?” I walk over standing in front of him. “Lee look at me.” He lets out a sigh looking up at me.

“What is this really about--is it just about Paul? Or something else?”

“I don’t know--I just didn’t like that asshole putting his hands on you.” “Why Lee?” “I’ve already told you why!”

I slowly take his hand running it down my stomach, “Is it because you’d rather put your hands on me?” I say holding his gaze.

Swallowing he doesn’t respond--but he doesn’t move his hand away either.

I take his hand lightly lifting my shirt just above my belly button holding it there--slowly gliding his hand across my belly, “Do you like the way I feel Lee?”

“You know I do.” He finally said looking at me. And hearing him say that--ignited something within me. Somewhere low I had started to burn. I instinctively close my eyes letting out a breath--letting him touch me. Feeling him touch me.

I drop my hand from his--silently hoping he wouldn't stop. He doesn't. Still feeling him there as he slowly glides his hand over my belly.

Still touching me, still feeling me. I let out faint silent moans as I feel him lightly kissing my belly with his lips.

He didn’t go any further than where I had placed his hand--but he didn’t have to I was silently on fire.

“What are we doing Kate?” He finally said letting out a sigh turning his head--resting it on my belly. I open my eyes looking down at him--I couldn’t see his face. But I didn’t have to--I already knew his expression.

He finally looked up at me, “What are we doing?”

“I don’t know. But…I want you Lee. I can’t help that I do. I don’t think I can pretend anymore--that I don’t…want you.” I finally said desire plainly written on my face as I stood there breathing heavy--feeling hot-steamy tingling below.

“I want you too Kate. You have no idea how much…I want you. But what about everything else?”

“What do you mean?” “Well our significant others--for starters.” He says letting out a faint chuckle.

What about them? I hadn't thought about them--or anything else for that matter--the moment he touched me.

“And what about our friendship?..." Lee finally said after I didn't respond--more like couldn't.

He continues by saying, "I don’t want to lose you Kate. No matter how much I want you--and god

do I want you. If it meant losing you…I just don’t know if I could handle that. One night of…being with you--no matter how beyond amazing

I know it would be--would not make up for a life-time of sadness--if you weren’t in my life Kate.”

Finally letting out a sigh of my own I run my fingers through his hair bringing his head to my belly--holding him. “I know Lee--I don’t want that either. You not being in my life… Well it’s not an option for me either. Just having you gone these last few weeks has been torture--I know I couldn’t go a life-time without you.”

He looks up at me putting his hands on top of mine as they held the sides of his face. “So what do we do?”

And looking deep in his eyes I respond, “We love each other Lee--that’s what we do. As long as we always remember to love each other--we’ll be okay. No matter what happens between us.”

“I do love you Kate--even when I first met you--I loved you. In your old beat-up car as you tried to run me off the road.” “I did not!”

Laughing he raises my shirt lightly kissing my belly button, “And I love you now.”

“Don’t do that.” I say feeling my body ignite all over again. “Don’t do what? This…” He kisses my belly again and looks up at me smiling. And letting out a silent breath I respond, “Yes that.”

He lets out a laugh meeting my eyes, “You are so beautiful to me. And although I didn't know it at the time...you have always been beautiful to me Kate. 'My Kate'--the one who 'always

has something to say'--even when she knows I don't want to hear it. And who can make me furious beyond words--but somehow still pull off charming and sweet...only you can do that.” He finally said letting out a chuckle.

I let out a sigh looking away. “What?” And looking back at him I respond, “I still…want you Lee. I don’t think I’ve ever wanted something so much in my life--and I can’t…”

I let out a breath looking down. “You can’t what?” “I can’t go on…in my life silently wanting something to happen between us. I’ve never felt…how I feel with you--with anyone else. And knowing that--makes me want you even more.”

And finally rendering up the courage I look at him, “Will you…be with me Lee? As my friend…will you show me what loving you feels like?”

He looks down--and after what felt like forever, he finally looks up at me running his fingers through his hair, “Damn Kate why do you have to ask me something like that?”

“What--you can show Jenn but you can’t show me?” I finally spat feeling myself tremble with anger—silently hurting.

“Kate this has nothing to do with Jenn.” “Obviously it does Lee--just go. Leave me alone.” “Kate--stop.” “No you stop--just go Lee now!” I turn away--not looking back slamming the bathroom door.

The Hunger in me

Last day here.

I had woke up on the bathroom floor--body aching, still tired. I hadn't meant to fall asleep, but I couldn’t bring myself to open the door. Afraid that I would still find Lee there on my bed.

I just couldn’t bring myself to face him. I was too ashamed, too hurt, too… upset with myself. Thankful that no one found me there—on the floor this morning. I had got up and started packing my bags.

It felt like I had been stuffing clothes and everything else into my suitcase all morning--and here I was still stuffing. Oh well it gave me something to do—and to be honest I wasn’t in any sort of a rush to leave my room anyway. Wasn’t ready to face--whatever was out there just yet.

I hadn't seen Paul since last night either. Since Lee slammed the door in his face. A part of me was embarrassed to see him. What if he hated me now? Or better yet convinced being with me--us having anything to do with each other after tonight would be a mistake?

I guess I couldn’t blame him if he did. Last night was…I didn’t even want to think about last night.

I had put myself out there--made myself available to him. And he had turned me down. Feeling silent tears run down my face—I wipe them away. More tears run down my cheeks.

Finally able to focus I see what I am holding—the brown bathing suit from the other night. Great—more memories to undoubtedly bring more tears.

I guess I had learned a lot about myself these last few days. And I have grown up so much—I can’t bring myself to regret it. I don’t.

And after last night… I had forgotten what it feels like to… want someone—I hadn't felt that way in I don’t know how long. My body was still burning from it. Just thinking about it…gave me tingles.

It had been too long since I had been…pleased in that way. Since I had been touched. Since I had surrendered myself to the moment. Being with someone—I needed now more than ever. Sex was definitely on the brain.

I hadn't thought about it in… forever it seems. It was another ‘thing’ I had pushed to the back convincing myself--it was overrated and I could live without.

But after last night…remembering how it feels to feel so hungry for something. How good it feels to for once let my body be in control. Let my body be my guide. To let my body show me how good it feels to let go. And it was still aching to show me--even now.

Letting out a sigh I zip up my suitcase taking a ‘cold’ shower. After I get ready I pause at the door. Okay, I’m ready. Let's do this.

I finally make it down to the beach sitting on a towel. I lay back letting the sun warm me. And I begin to day dream… I am running on the beach. I see a beautiful couple sharing a bowl of strawberries, licking the juices off each other--completely oblivious to the world around them.

The guy begins to kiss her neck, running his hands down her breast until they meet in-between her thighs. I couldn’t see his face but I imagined him beautiful. He had dark hair that looked unkempt as the woman ran her fingers through it.

She was completely enraptured as she leans her head back letting out a moan feeling him touch her there. I begin to feel hot as I watch them play with each other… Not noticing me he takes one of her breast in his mouth, she moans out in deep pleasure.

I sit down on the beach and watch them. I feel myself burning with desire--wishing I was her. That I could feel what she feels. I imagine myself in her place…I want to feel what she does.

Wanting to touch myself I let out a breath closing my eyes. The guy hears me and turns his head. Feeling his eyes on me—I open mine meeting his. And it’s Lee. Catching my breath I notice he has a big smile on his face as he watches me, watch them.

Startled I look at the woman…and its… its Jenn. She had her head back still in the moment. And I watch Lee’s smirking face as he begins kissing her body.

He stares at me grinning, while kissing her he begins saying my name “Kate…Kate…”

“Kate! Kate!” Realizing someone was actually standing over me shouting my name I stir in my sleep. “Kate!” I open my eyes and squint from the sun.

I see Paul standing over me. “Oh hey..”

He lets out a laugh, “I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone fall asleep on the beach before. Enjoying the sun I see.”

I sit up--still disconcerted from my dream I blink my eyes, “I can’t believe I fell asleep either. I guess I was still a little tired.” He sits down beside me, “Are you okay? What happened last night?”

Not meaning to--I let out a faint groan. I didn’t even want to think about last night—let alone talk about it. Paul seeing my expression looks at me, worry plain on his face, “What? What happened between you and Lee—did he hurt you?”

Not wanting to upset him I respond, “No, no of course not.” At least not physically anyway I whisper silently to myself. “So did you guys work it out then?”

I let out a sigh, “No not really—but this hasn’t been the first time me and Lee have got into it,” and smiling at him I continue, “And it probably won’t be the last—we’ll be okay” I wasn’t so sure if that last statement was true—but there was no need to tell Paul that.

“I’m sorry about Lee last night. He shouldn’t have…done what he did to you and for that I apologize.” I finally said looking at him.

Paul looks away staring out at the water, “It’s okay—I can’t really say I blame him. If someone would have did—well what I did last night to a close friend of mine I can’t say I wouldn’t of reacted the same way.”

And turning back to me he says, “I’m sorry Kate…for kissing you—the way I did. There’s no excuse for my behavior. I guess…a part of me wanted to make him jealous. I’m sorry for putting you in the middle of that.”

“It’s okay. I cant say that I didn’t mind you kissing me.” I say smiling at him. Of course Paul--I could be with him. Here was this sweet charming guy in front of me… why hadn't I thought of him before? I guess until last night…I hadn't gave ‘sex’ much thought. But now it’s all I am able to think about.

Lost in thought I immediately think of my dream--how I had wanted to be her. How I wanted to feel alive in someone’s embrace--my body being his center of attention. Well at least until Lee’s face popped up--ruining my sweet day dream. “

Kate?” “Yea?” “Why are you staring at me like that? Not that I mind but I can’t say it’s not giving me ‘dirty thoughts’ either.”

Realizing I was staring at Paul—rather seductively, while licking my lips, I clear my throat giving him a shy smile.

What was with me? If I didn’t get a handle on this quick…I dunno. The next guy who looked at me in that way--I’d be ripping his clothes off.

“Umm...Paul?” “Yea?” “Could we possibly do something together tonight, alone maybe? Since its our last night on the beach.” Smiling at me he responds, “I would love to. What do you have in mind?”

“It doesn’t matter—a quiet picnic on the beach could be fun. But I’ll leave it up to you.” “Okay, that sounds fantastic actually.” And gleaming at me he continues, “I'm glad you thought of it.” “Yea me too.”


****


As I looked in the mirror—I was silently pleased at what I saw. I had decided to bring out the red sexy number that I had been too scared shitless to wear until now.

It was ‘technically’ a full piece--although it didn’t hide much. It opened up at the back and front. And had two small strips on the side connecting the bottom and top portion together. It was beautiful and I looked stunning in it.

I had convinced myself that tonight was going to be ‘the night’ with Paul. After we laid on the beach--we went swimming, playing around in the water. It was fun. I enjoyed being with him and I was ready to give myself to him.

It had been so long since I had done anything like this I was nervous that I wouldn’t know what to do. But I wouldn’t let my nerves stop me--this time.

And staring at myself now I hoped Paul liked what he saw. I was beyond sexy—I even decided that I wasn’t going to ‘cover up’ this time. I wanted to feel sexy—and be sexy. I just hope I can pull this off. Letting out a sigh I leave the bathroom.

I hadn’t seen Lee all day today--not that I was looking for him. I had been silently avoiding him--and Jenn too. That dream had pissed me off—I was beyond upset with my subconscious.

I bend down putting some things in my suitcase. Hearing a knock at the door I shout, “Yea come in Paul I was just getting ready to…” I finally turn around and see Lee closing the door.

Why does he keep doing that? Showing up right when I don’t need him to. “What do you want?” I finally said walking to my drawer grabbing my lip gloss.

“Can we talk?” Lee said sounding a little nervous. Rolling my eyes at him I walk to the bathroom putting on my lip gloss, “What do you want Lee? Because I really cant talk right now—as you can see I’m busy.”

“I know but I can’t stand the way things are between us right now Kate! Look can’t we just talk?” Lee finally said walking toward me standing in the bathroom doorway.

I was so sick of talking--I needed to be held by someone, to be touched. And no matter how much ‘talking’ I did—it wasn’t going to happen unless someone shut up, and started doing it.

Hearing myself huff in the mirror--annoyed, silently frustrated I turn looking at Lee, “Lee I am sick of talking. I don’t have anything else to say to you. And even if I did—believe me talking right now is the last thing I want to do. What!? Why are you staring at me like that?”

“Where are you going dressed like that?” Lee finally said meeting my eyes.

And looking him dead in his eyes I respond, “I’m going to Paul. We are spending the night together—on the beach. Why--you like what you see? Then you are going to love picturing Paul take it off me.”

Meeting my eyes he finally smiles letting out a laugh, “What--you’re expecting me to be mad now? I’m supposed to be jealous now, right Kate?”

He slowly walks up to me never leaving my eyes, and he leans over whispering in my ear, “We both know who you really want taking it off you…and it’s not Paul..”

Hearing my own heart pounding as I felt his breath on me, his lips so close all I would have to do is turn my head and we would be kissing--I close my eyes. “See? Where is the smart attitude now?”

He kisses my ear and glides his hand up my back, “You can’t hide it from me now Kate, how much you want me…it is written all over your face.”

He runs his hand slowly down my naked belly stopping just above where I was on fire below, he glides his hand up and down, “And tonight it will be my face you’ll picture when you’re with Paul…not his.”

And he leans whispering in my ear, “Like how I will be picturing your face… tonight when I’m with Jenn.” And he turns around leaving me hot then cold as he walked away.

The Player in me

I step out of the now cold bubble bath--patting myself dry. I never got to have my quiet picnic on the beach. Sam had gotten really hurt playing volleyball--and Paul had to take her to the hospital.

He seemed very sorry about it—telling me we would definitely have to do a ‘rain check’ on our evening. Of course I understood and I hoped Sam was okay. Telling him to tell her I was thinking about her. I was beyond disappointed--but I guess if I were being honest a part of me was relieved.

After me and Lee’s ‘altercation’ if you can even call it that earlier—I couldn’t help thinking about what he said. And I was silently afraid that he was right. I would be picturing his face--wishing it was him instead of Paul. And that made me feel like the worse person--Paul didn’t deserve that.

I put on my pjs--getting in bed. I turn on the t.v.—for the first time since staying here. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised by that though.

Turning the channels--I see Dirty Dancing flash by. Wait I quickly turn back, Yay! I settle in to watch--the perfect movie to end my less than perfect but still quite unforgettable weekend.

I started to think about the last time I had watched it--the night Lee called asking me to go to the ‘ball’ with him. The night I had cried myself to sleep, and woke ready to face whatever needed facing--to face myself.

I just couldn’t believe how things were between me and Lee right now. Thinking about that night--and how we were compared to now… I never thought it would be us--me and him, who this new found transformation within me, would affect the most.

We have been through so much together and who knew me changing would be the very thing that changed us. I guess it makes sense…but it’s still hard to believe. And what he said to me tonight…what was that?

Did he want me to know that he secretly wanted to be with me too instead of Jenn? Was he trying to tell me something? At the time I was too caught up in the moment to really give it much thought. But now… was

he trying to tell me something??

Lee was a good guy--he has always been. It was one of the things that attracted me to him when we first met. He had a good heart--a sweet heart. And I knew even if he wanted something so bad it drove him crazy. If he knew it would hurt someone or deep down he knew it was wrong—he wouldn’t go through with it.

I knew asking him what I did the other night would put his rigid ‘principles’ in a tough spot but I couldn’t help it--I had too. I silently wished he would just have fucked my brains out--and not given a damn about Jenn or whoever else was in the picture. But I guess I can’t ask that of him…he wouldn’t be ‘my Lee’ if he did.

Hearing a knock while I had begun singing along--and moving my arms quoting the movie (it was at the good part)—I stop, clearing my throat, “Yea?”

I silently wished I would have thought to lock the door. “Yea who is it?” I’m busy go away! The door opens and I see Lee’s dark hair as he turned around shutting the door.

Great--I can’t do this right now. You can’t be here right now. “Lee stop—don’t come any further, what do you want?”

Startled he stopped, and turns his head looking at the t.v, “Dirty Dancing?” He lets out a chuckle, “Leave it to you to be sitting here watching Dirty Dancing while you’re at the beach.” Lee said walking toward me standing beside my bed.

“Can I watch it with you?”’ I let out a sigh groaning. I slide over--he sits on top of the covers watching the t.v., “I haven’t seen this movie…since the last time you made me watch it.” He said smiling at me.

Rolling my eyes I pretend to be annoyed, “Whatever—I haven’t made you watch it in a long time Lee.” “Yea I know—I kind of miss you nagging me.” He finally said glancing my way. I pretend not to notice--my eyes focused on Baby.

“So where’s Jenn?” I finally said not looking at him. “She’s staying with Sam tonight. I think they are still at the hospital—last time I talked to her Sam was about to go in for x-rays.” Lee said shrugging his shoulders.

“Awww—do they know what happened?” “They think she broke her arm--Sam’s pretty sure she did.” “Oh my god—I hope she’s okay.” “She’ll be okay. Sam didn’t even seem all that worried about it—apparently she’s broken her arm before. She seemed more upset that she wouldn’t be able to play volleyball for a while than anything else.” Lee finally said stifling a laugh. “That sounds like Sam.” I said letting out a chuckle.

We had been silently watching for a while--laughing at some parts, quoting along to others. Lee always played Johnny and of course I was Baby.

“Lee you didn’t even say it right.” I finally said pretending to hit him. “What? That is how he says it.” “Whatever it is not—I think I would know.” I said laughing with him.

“Would you like something to drink—or eat? I could grab some things from the fridge?” Lee finally said once he caught his breath. “Okay—yea thanks.” “Kay I’ll be right back.” As soon as he leaves the room I run to the bathroom checking myself in the mirror.

Damn I wish I would have decided to wear something other than pjs tonight. Oh well I guess it’s a good thing that I look less desirable. What I’m I even doing anyway?

I shake my and cut off the light—running back in bed.

He finally comes in with a bowl of strawberries, some bottled water—and something else I couldn’t see. Shutting the door--he places it on my bed. “Oh my!--you brought Nutella? You do know me so well!” I finally gleamed seeing the container.

He lets out a laugh, “Well duh.” I take a strawberry spreading on the chocolaty goodness taking a bite, “Oh my god…I am so in heaven right now.” Lee lets out a laugh—sitting back beside me on the bed.

“Arent you going to try some?” “No—Im not hungry, I got it for you.” “Well aren’t you the gentleman.” I finally said smiling at him—taking another strawberry.

I pretend not to notice Lee glancing at me each time I placed a strawberry to my lips. I silently smile to myself. Well watch this… I take a strawberry licking some of the Nutella off of it before placing it in mouth--it slips falling down my shirt and landing in my lap. “Crap!”

I had chocolaty goodness all over me now—that’s what I get for trying to be sexy. Lee lets out a laugh, “Why I’m I not surprised.” He finally said shaking his head.

I put on a cheeky smile, rolling my eyes at him, “Ha. You’re so funny.” I begin unbuttoning my shirt—pretending I don’t notice Lee surprised expression as he watches me. Good—I bet he wasn’t expecting that.

I get up standing over my bed—my top open showing my pink bra underneath. “Lee can you move so I can change the covers?” “Yea yea okay.” He finally said getting up to help me take off the ruined covers.

“I think some clean ones are in that cabinet over there. Well you get them for me, so I can change?” I finally said pointing to the far cabinet—just opposite of my suitcase.

I bend down looking for another shirt. Finding one I quickly put it on getting back in bed. “Thanks Lee.” “Yea no prob.”

Realizing the change in mood as we both stared at the t.v. I look at him, “How long do you think we can keep this up Lee?” Knowing what I meant he clears his throat his eyes never leaving the t.v. “I don’t know.”

Hearing a phone ring, he reaches in his pocket flipping it open, “Hey how is she?” Knowing who it was I roll my eyes looking back at the t.v.

“It’s fractured—not broken then?...” I couldn’t do this anymore--and I wasn’t giving up without a fight. I get up sitting on Lee’s lap.

Surprised at what I had just done, he looks at me mouthing, “What are you doing?” I ignore him leaning my face over his other ear kissing it with my lips. Feeling him let out a breath he swallows trying to talk with Jenn on the phone, “Yea…I’m listening babe... What now?”

I kiss down his neck finally bringing my face back up to his ear sucking it with my tongue. I hear Jenn scream over the phone, “Lee!” Feeling myself smile I continue playing with his ear breathing heavy as I did so.

Lee slightly leans his head back closing his eyes, “So are you on…your way…back then?” He finally said into the phone trying to sound normal.

I trial kisses along his neck slowly running my hand up his shirt. He looks at me and mouths “Stop.” I smile at him and mouth, “No.”

Rolling his eyes at me—pretending to be upset he talks into the phone, “Babe I have to let you go.” I look at him and shake my head leaning into his ear, “No, keep her on the phone. I want to see how good you are.”

He pulls the phone away, “No Kate, I’m not doing this with her right here in my ear.” Lee finally said looking at me. “Yes you will Lee or I’ll tell her what you are doing right now.” I said whispering in his ear.

Ignoring his angry glare I continue playing with him. He clears his throat putting the phone back to his ear, “So what have you…been up to…today?”

I almost let out a laugh covering my mouth--he was so going to let me have it as soon as this was over. I bite his ear quietly laughing, “You are so mad at me right now aren’t you?”

He doesn’t respond letting out heavy breaths as I began to move my body feeling him underneath me. “Yea…so…what…else--“ He lets out a silent moan leaning his head back.

He quickly tries covering it up with a cough. “Lee! Are you listening to me?!” Jenn shouts sounding annoyed. “Sorry babe—something got caught in my throat.” I don’t even pretend to hide my laughter; Lee turns to me shushing me with his finger.

I bring my hand up zipping my lips, and begin to unbuckle his belt. He quickly grabs my hand stopping me. Meeting my eyes silently begging me to stop. I pretend to think about it. I shake my head mouthing, “I’m having way too much fun.”

I slowly pull his shirt up kissing his naked chest feeling it rise and fall as he took each deep breath. “Well tell her…I said I hope she’s…okay.” Lee finally said trying to move from underneath me, he whispers, “Kate…please…stop it.”

Shaking my head ignoring him—I lean into his ear and whisper, “What’s the magic word…Lee?” Hearing his silent breaths he finally talks into the phone, “Yea I’ll see…you tomorrow…“ I slowly lift my face up looking in his eyes.

Meeting my eyes he glances at my lips as I lick them moving closer. He doesn't turn away, looking deep in my eyes--waiting. I watch him close his eyes as I finally bring my lips down on his--kissing him.

We both hear Jenn shouting his name--he pulls me closer, running his free hand up my back and through my hair. Hearing our heavy breathing and feeling our wet mouths I pull his hair bringing him closer. I just couldn’t get enough of Lee.

“Lee! If you don’t answer me right now!?!” Jenn shouts in the phone. We finally pull away with Lee grabbing the phone. I smile getting up walking to the bathroom.

Closing the door I let out a breath. Oh my god I just kissed Lee--and he kissed me back! Oh my god...and did he ever

kiss me back. I don't think--no. I know I have never been kissed the way Lee just kissed me. It was perfect.

And with Jenn right there on the phone--I let out a laugh. I look at myself in the mirror shaking my head You are going straight to hell Kate--you know that?

After I catch my breath I turn off the light leaving the bathroom. Shocked to still find Lee waiting on my bed.

The Hidden in me

Can’t believe his still here.

Either he's incredibly pissed--ready to brawl it out. Or his ready for round 2!

I slowly walk to bed stealing glances at him trying to decipher what kind of a ‘Lee’ is waiting for me. He watches me approach the far dresser grabbing the bottled-water.

Not giving anything away as I stood there sipping--hoping he’d be the first to speak. No such luck. Was that a smile? He turns back to the t.v. with what I thought was a smirk on his face. So far so good.

“I thought you would have left.” I finally said putting the bottle down--still cautious to make any sudden moves.

He looks up at me, “Why would you think that?”

“I dunno… I figured you would be mad at me for… what I just did.” Never leaving my eyes he licks his lips--smirking, “And what did you just do?”

“Come on Lee--really?” I finally said getting on the bed, sitting up opposite of him. “Yea—really.” He said looking me in the eyes.

Playing with the covers I look up at him, “Umm… you know I kinda played with you a little.” He stifles a laugh raising his eyebrow, “You kind of ‘played’ with me a little?”

“Yea.” “Okay I see.” He said as he nodded his head trying not to smile.

“What?” I finally said. “Oh nothing. You.” “What about me?” “Nothing—just you.” He finally said looking away at the tv with a smile on his face.

Okay he is not getting away with that. “Lee?” “Hmm?” He said still looking away. I hit him on his knee, “Lee? What do you mean by that?”

And turning to me he responds, “I mean leave it to you to classify what you just did as ‘playing’ with me.” “Well I was. What else would you call it?”

He brings his hand up placing it on his chest, “You’re asking me?” “Yea, I’m asking you.” I said crossing my arms over my chest. A little annoyed--don’t ask me why.

Looking down he smiles, “I don’t think… you were playing with me at all.” And looking up at me, he meets my eyes, “I think… deep down you were more than serious.”

He stares at me waiting for me to respond--I don’t. Instead I get up walking to the dresser.

I could feel my heart pounding, and there was something fluttering in the pit of my stomach somewhere--that I wish would stop. I was nervous--he made me nervous. And I couldn’t bring myself to look at him.

Knowing Lee I knew if I looked at him he would see it written all over my face. So I stood at the dresser eating a strawberry. I figured if I kept myself busy--it wouldn’t show as much. Plus it gave me something to do with my hands--that hadn’t stopped shaking since he looked at me.

I mean yes a part of me was serious about what just happened but if I admitted that then… it would make being around him just that more complicated. And I needed to keep things light--fun. Otherwise my nerves would take over and I wouldn’t be able to handle it.

“Kate?” “Hmm?” I finally said—pretending to concentrate hard on what I was doing. Which wasn’t much. I mean how many ways can you eat a strawberry?

“You can eat them over here ya know,” Lee finally said sounding amused. “Oh yea I know—I just didn’t want another ‘episode’ to happen. You know me,” I said glancing at him trying to sound as ‘un-nervous’ as I possibly could--while also trying to justify me standing at the dresser in the first place.

I turn looking at him, “Would you like something else to drink? We are out.” I held up the empty bottles of water. He shook his head, “No I’m okay.”

“Okay well I’ll be right back.” I walk to the door. “Kate—stop.” Startled I stop turning around raising my eyebrows waiting for him to speak. He doesn’t. He gets up walking toward me standing in front of me.

Swallowing I don’t look up in his eyes. “Am I making you nervous Kate?” Lee said no more than two inches away from me.

I could feel his breath on my face. “No. Why you say that?” I said glancing up at him. I know--I am such a liar.

He runs his hand down my arm with his fingertips holding my hand, “No? Then why are you shaking?”

After I didn’t’ respond he takes his hand gliding his fingertips along the base of my neck bringing them down to my chest, placing his hand over my heart, “I can feel your heart racing… am I not the reason for that?”

“You know you are,” I finally whispered silently to myself. He takes his hand lifting my head, “What did you say?”

Finally meeting his eyes I respond, “You know you are…Lee.”

We stare into each other’s eyes, him still holding my chin. He brings his face closer and this time I close my eyes as he brings his lips to mine--kissing me.

Catching our breaths he pulls me closer bringing his hands up running them through my hair--never leaving my lips. I touch the sides of his face taking both my hands running them through his hair.

Feeling his heavy breathing on my face and feeling his body against mine I let out a quiet moan--pulling his hair. He pushes me against the door opening my mouth with his tongue. He finally pulls away with me sandwiched in between both his hands as he leaned against the door.

“Why did…you pull away?” I finally asked through shuddered breaths.

“I haven’t pulled away… I’m still here,” Lee whispered in my ear as he took his hand running it down my chest touching my breast. I feel myself let out a breath closing my eyes.

“I’ve never touched you like this…” He said gently tugging on my nipple area feeling it rise with his touch. Kissing along my neck--he played with my breast; gently squeezing it with his hand.

I grab portions of his hair as he did so letting out quiet moans. I never knew I could feel like this.

He looks up at me smiling, “And I’ve never heard you make sounds like this either…” I let out a laugh--silently embarrassed. He lightly chuckles biting my ear, “I like it...”

Feeling myself blush I bring my hand up covering my face. He brings my hand down looking in my eyes--I look away. “Kate?”

I bring my hand back up covering my face, “What?” He doesn’t pull it away, he takes my free hand placing it on his chest, “You feel that?”

Feeling his racing heart underneath my palm I bring my hand down looking in his eyes. “You make me nervous too,” he finally said meeting my eyes.

I grab his shirt pulling him closer kissing him--hungrily. I could kiss Lee forever.

Feeling my heavy breathing as I caught each breath, I feel him run his hands down the sides of my body grabbing my ass pulling me closer.

Feeling him hard in between my thighs I instinctively bring my body closer--grinding him with my hips. I hear him let out a silent moan as he sucked on my face still grabbing my ass thrusting it against him.

“Touch me…Lee” I hear myself whisper as I lean my head back closing my eyes. “I am touching you… god

do I love touching you like this…” he said as he runs his hands up under my top grabbing my breast.

I take his hand gliding it down my body resting it over-top my pants in between my thighs, “No here… touch me here Lee…”

Feeling his hands there I let out a moan dropping my hand still feeling him there as he moves his hand playing with me, “Damn Kate… you have no idea what you do to me…” He brings his hands up pulling my top over my head. Hearing a knock we both freeze. “Kate?”

Realizing it was Paul at the door Lee puts his hand over my mouth resting his body against mine. Hearing our breathing slow as we stood there silently against the door Lee looks at me smiling.

“What?” I mouth confused by his expression. I was more than a little put off by Paul no more than four feet behind the door.

Lee brings his face to my ear, “It’s payback time…” “What? No.” Realizing what he meant I shook my head.

“Yes—answer him Kate,” Lee said whispering in my ear as he played in between my thighs.

Oh my god this was not happening--this is what I get for--everything I’ve done. I let out a breath—trying not to moan as Lee played with me. “Yea?” I finally said not too loudly--so Paul wouldn’t know I was literally at the door no more than a few feet away.

“Oh hey… I didn’t know if you’d still be up.” Lee unclips my bra slowly pulling it off my chest. I watch him lick his lips as it falls to the floor exposing my naked chest.

A little embarrassed as Lee stared at my breasts--for the first time. I instinctively bring my hands up trying to cover them.

“Kate?” Hearing Paul I whisper to the door, “Yea?” still watching Lee as he takes my hands bringing them down. He looks deep in my eyes desire plainly written in his pupils as he took his hand gliding it down my chest.

Grabbing my naked breast holding them--feeling my chest rise at his touch, he plays with my nipple. I let out a breath leaning my head back. “Umm… Kate can I come in?”

For the first time Lee looks at the door--fury in his eyes. I pretend I don’t notice, “Hmm… I’m actually…really tired…Paul,” I finally said feeling Lee’s hot breath next to my ear trailing his tongue down my neck as he tugged and pulled on my breast. Oh my god… how was I going to do this?

“Oh. Well I’m sorry again for us not being able to have our picnic on the beach,” Paul said sounding disappointed. Lee lifts his head up looking at me--wanting me to watch him as he took my breast bringing it to his mouth.

I lean my head back biting my lip letting out heavy breaths as he lightly flicks my nipple with his tongue—sucking on it with his lips. “I kind of wished we could—it was hard having to leave you in that red suit,” Paul finally said letting out a chuckle.

I let out a moan--I couldn’t even hide how I was feeling. “Kate?” I finally clear my throat, “Umm… it’s okay. I was…kind of tired anyway.”

“I wish I could see you in it now… so I could take it off you,” Lee looks at the door. I put my hand over his mouth whispering in his ear, “We both know…who I’d want taking it off me…”

Looking in my eyes he brings his face down kissing me--hard. Pulling my hair bringing me closer--letting me know I was his. I gladly accepted letting out a moan biting his lower lip.

“Kate are you…okay?” Paul asked sounding concerned--hearing my heavy breaths I was sure. I imagined him leaning his ear against the door trying to listen.

I held Lee still--shushing him as I leaned my body off the door. “Yea I’m okay Paul… goodnight. See you in the morning,” I finally said hoping he would walk away.

“Okay, umm… goodnight. Is someone in there with you?” Paul asked clearly not buying it—damn I obviously sucked at this. Lee whispers in my ear, “Let me tell him I’m in here…,” I shake my head at Lee--talking to the door, “No…why?”

I couldn’t do that to Paul. I mean yes I have done horrible things—but I wasn’t the devil. At least I hoped anyway.

“I thought I heard something… Are you sure you don’t want company? I could hold you while you fall asleep?” Paul finally asked stepping away from the door. Probably waiting for me to open it--no way that was happening.

“Umm…that’s so sweet Paul… but not tonight.” I finally said trying to stop Lee as he ran his hand down my body, tugging on my pant strings looking up at me smiling--completely not affected by Paul’s presence.

I grab his hand mouthing, “No Lee I can’t—his getting suspicious.” “So?” Lee whispers gliding his hands down my legs as he pulled them down relieving my baby blue boy shorts underneath.

I wasn’t expecting anyone to see me in them--even though they are my favorite type of undies to wear. Lee looks up at me with a hint of a smile mouthing, “Baby blue huh?” I smile at him.

He brings his face to my ear biting and sucking on it with his tongue, “I have never wanted to take off a pair of baby blues… so badly.” He gently pulls at the rim of them with his hand.

I give him an angry glare--a little mad at him for not listening to me. He ignores it bending down trailing his tongue down my body kissing me as he did so--stopping just above my shorts.

I feel myself let out a breath wishing he would stop--but feeling my body respond to his touch as I instinctively bring my body closer to his lips.

Running my fingers through his hair I look down watching him bring his face closer to me. Holding my breath I watch him close his eyes as he lightly begins kissing over-top my shorts with his lips.

I let out a moan--biting my lip trying to muffle it, as he opens his mouth running his tongue along my now slightly wet shorts.

Feeling his hot mouth on me--I instinctively grab his hair pulling him closer. “Okay Kate… well I’ll let you sleep,” Paul said finally walking away from the door.

I couldn’t even respond as I finally let go--letting out a moan. Lee gets up looking me in my eyes--he takes my hand leading me to the bed.

I silently follow him not leaving his eyes. He gently throws me on the bed, and climbs on top of me looking in my eyes. I smile at him bringing his face to mine--kissing him softly.


****


Feeling myself awake--I don’t immediately open my eyes. I wanted to hold on to last night a little longer.

Eyes closed I take a deep breath feeling myself smile remembering my perfect night with Lee. My Lee. It’s funny how you can see someone everyday--be around them for what seems like forever and how suddenly they become a totally different person to you.

The way you see them…changes right before your eyes. Lee changed right before my eyes last night.

He was no longer just my friend… someone I have goofed around with too many times to count or someone who has been there with me sharing all my moments--the good, the bad, and the ugly.

He has always been an incredible friend--that special someone in my life. But now… who knew it could only get better? That there was more to be discovered--to be shared between us?

Last night we shared a moment together… that changed us—changed who we are... forever. Bringing us closer than I already thought we were.

I watched him give himself to me last night--letting me see his… naked beauty. And not just physically but in every other way that matters.

His shyness as I looked at him--all of him, for the first time. His passion as he held me close each time he gave in to pure pleasure--the feeling of us. And his gentleness as he gazed in my eyes making sure I was okay… each time he did so.

I loved him deeper than I ever thought I could love anyone. Than I ever thought possible--who knew there was so much more in me… So much that had been hidden. Lee showed me more—he showed me… my love.

Feeling him stir I open my eyes meeting his closed ones--still sleeping. I smile running my hand through his hair. I had held him last night and here he was still in my arms.

I laid there watching him sleep. I watch the way his eye-lashes gently fluttered each time he took a breath or the way his hair fell in his eyes each time he would stir in his sleep.

I run my fingertips along his arms watching his chest rise and fall--he was so beautiful. And he looked so peaceful, so soft lying here in my arms.

I smile remembering last night, how I had laid in his arms as he looked in my eyes and asked me if I still wanted to go through with it--if I still wanted to give myself to him.

Even though I could see in his eyes how much he wanted to—how much he wanted to be…in me. “Kate… are you sure?” He asked me as he caressed my face.

He knew I was scared, he knew I hadn’t given myself to anyone--I hadn’t let anyone this close to me in a long time. And he held me close letting me know how much it meant to him. What I meant to him. Showing me how much he loved the feeling of being…in me.

“Kate?” I watch him open his eyes. “Yea?” I said running my fingers through his hair.

“How long have you been up?” he asked rubbing his sleepy eyes.

“I don’t know. Not long—how did you sleep? You looked like you were sleeping good…” “Oh did I?” Lee asked smiling at me, running his fingers through his hair--pushing it out of his eyes.

“Yep. You should have seen it. Your mouth was all open—slobbering everywhere,” I finally said smiling at him.

He pretends to hit me laughing, “Shut up I was not—really?” He looks at his pillow, wiping his mouth--and smiles bringing his face to mine pretending to wipe it on me.

“Lee stop,” I said laughing—pretending to wipe it off. He doesn’t—moving his face touching my cheeks, “You know you like it.”

Laughing with him I stare in his eyes holding his face, “You don’t regret… last night, do you? I mean are you worried about what it will do to our friendship?”

He looks at my face touching my hair as it lay scattered all over my pillow, “No, I don’t regret it—how could I? And I know

my body certainly doesn’t” he said lifting his eyebrows up and down--trying to be funny. I let out a laugh feeling him brush up against me.

“And as far as our friendship goes… well we were never really all that close to begin with,” he said smiling at me as he brought his face to mine--kissing me.

I pull away, “Shouldn’t we stop… you know before I dunno it confuses things between us.” He looks at me confused, “What? What do you mean?”

“I mean… last night was--I don’t even have words to describe last night. But I’m not looking for things to change between us Lee. I mean if anything last night made them better—it has brought us closer. And I don’t want to ruin that.” I finally said looking away.

Last night was special--more than special. But I couldn’t help but feel a little scared that it would change things and for the worse. What if we got together and it made things awkward between us?

I couldn’t handle Lee not being in my life—and I would rather have him in it as my best-friend for a life-time than a lover for who knows how long.

I didn’t want to lose him and if it meant swallowing the urge to rip his clothes off every time I was around him… then that’s something I would just have to do.

“Kate look at me,” Lee said sounding serious for the first time. I turn my head not meeting his eyes.

“I’m not looking for things to change between us either. If you’re worried about me looking at you differently than don’t be. It’s still me—Lee you’re with, no one else.” Lee said holding my face—making me meet his eyes.

“I know Lee… but I think we should stop. One night of being with you in that way… well it’s enough for me,” I said looking in his eyes--wanting to look away.

“It’s enough for you?” Lee asked still holding me. “You know what I mean Lee.” “No—no I don’t. What do you mean Kate?” Lee said finally releasing my face, sitting up.

“I mean I’d rather be the girl you come to--to vent about all your ‘other girls’. Not the girl you’re venting about.” I finally said sitting up meeting his eyes.

“Who are all these ‘other girls’ you’re even talking about Kate? You know me—I don’t date. And the only ‘girl’ in my life right now besides you is Jenn—and that’s been that way for a while now.” Lee said looking at me.

Instead of answering him, I get up climbing toward him on the bed, “Lee don’t be mad… please? We had such a great night please… don’t be mad at me.” I finally said no more than two inches from his face.

I lean in kissing him on the mouth. God it was going to be so hard having to give this up. He pulls away, “I thought we were supposed to ‘stop’ kissing each other remember?”

“Well let’s not think about that right now,” I look at the window, “ See--the sun is just coming up—so technically our night still isn’t over,” I finally said turning back to him lifting my eyebrows up and down.

Rolling his eyes--at my attempt to be funny, he lets out a sigh. “Come on Lee… I want you so bad right now,” I finally said sitting on his lap, kissing his neck.

“Don’t you want me?” I bring my face up looking in his eyes. He stares at me—clearly still mad.

“How can I say no to you? You’re just going to do it anyway.” Lee finally said--trying hard not to give in. I bite his ear, “You do know me so well… don’t you?”

He turns his face looking in my eyes, grabbing my hair--holding me, “I won’t be gentle.” “Is that a promise?” I ask licking my lips, smiling at him.

The Fear in me

In the shower I bring my face to water, running my fingers through my hair. Letting the water wash away all my troubles.

After me and Lee spent the morning together he left to pick up Jenn from Sam’s place. Clearly still upset with me--even though I pretended not to notice.

Lee could be so stubborn sometimes. I mean us sharing ‘a special night’ together—just couldn’t be enough. He has to want more from me--more he knows I don’t have. He even asked me himself ‘if I was ready for a boyfriend’--so the fact that he is upset with me right now doesn’t make any sense.

And it’s not so much the ‘boyfriend’ thing that scares me its… its… I’m not really sure but it’s not that. I mean if it was how do you explain Paul?

Okay he wasn’t ‘technically’ my boyfriend yet but I could see it happening. He seemed like the boyfriend type--I could see myself being with him. And I would rather be with him than Lee anyway.

I mean at least with Paul if we broke up I wouldn’t go spiraling out of control. Or give in to depression. I couldn’t handle it if me and Lee ‘broke up’. Me and Lee--we don’t ‘break up’, we fight, we play, we laugh, we (fill-in-the-blank), but break up? No we don’t do that.

I turn off the water--stepping out of the shower. After I get ready, I head down to the kitchen. I was kind of nervous about seeing Paul--after last night.

Silently hoping I had been wrong and Paul didn’t suspect anything--other than what I told him. I needed to believe that--at least if I was going to face him again.

A part of me felt bad about… well what happened. It was never my intention to hurt Paul and hopefully I didn’t. Only one way to find out. I slowly--and very nervously, turn the corner to the kitchen.

No one was there—I guess everyone has packed up for the weekend. There was a buffet of food half-eaten on the table. After grabbing some juice from the fridge I sit down to eat.

Hearing the front door open—I pause. Like fork in mid-air--mouth open pause. I could feel my heart pounding. No Kate you need to play it cool. You have nothing to feel ‘bad’ about.

Taking a deep breath I clear my throat finally taking the bite. Paul walks in—I pretend not to notice him pause when he sees me at the table. “Hey,” I said waving at him--sounding a little too ‘chirper’.

He doesn’t seem to notice as he smiles at me opening the fridge. He smiled at me--that means he doesn’t suspect right?

“So…umm how did you sleep?” I said looking down at my plate--as soon as the words came out of my mouth. Shit! I was hoping not to bring up ‘last night’ at all and of course that’s the first thing that comes out of my mouth.

“Oh I slept okay and you?” Paul finally said sitting at the table opposite of me. Crap this is going to be a lot harder than I thought.

“I slept good,” I finally said getting up to put my plate in the sink--I needed to keep myself busy. “That’s good. So I need to ask you something.” Paul said turning to me at the kitchen sink.

Oh god here it is. I slowly turn looking at him, “Yea?”

“How would you feel about staying one more night?” Paul asked getting up walking toward me. Okay--that was unexpected. “Umm… sure. I could use one more night on the beach. Why, what’s going on?” I finally asked trying to hide my silent elation--that it wasn’t what I was expecting.

“There will be a carnival on the beach tonight--well not exactly on the beach,” He smiles at me as he held my arms, “And John would like us to come and keep him company for a few hours while he volunteers at one of the booths,” He finally said as he ran his hands up and down my arms.

“A carnival? Okay, that sounds like fun. I don’t think I’ve ever been to one of those since I was a kid. Yay! Will there be rides?” I asked beaming.

Hearing the front door open--we both turn our heads. “That’s probably Jenn and Lee,” Paul finally said trying to peek around the corner still holding me.

I pretend not to notice how he said Lee’s name. It was subtle--but it was definitely there. But then again, Paul and Lee have never really gotten along… Stop it Kate. You’re reading way too much into this.

I silently let out a breath--choosing to let it go. “Jenn is that you? How is Sam?” Paul said a little loudly—trying to get ‘whoever’ was at the doors attention.

Yep it was definitely Jenn, I could hear her quietly arguing with Lee--they finally walk around the corner. “Oh hey Paul—what did you ask me?” Jenn said as she came into the kitchen standing at the door.

“I asked how was Sam when you left?” Paul asked. “Oh well you know Sam--she’s upset that it happened in the first place but physically she’s okay. I told her I was going to yank her out of the house tonight—she will be my date to the carnival.” Jenn finally said.

I pretend not to notice how she was purposely ignoring Lee--who was right beside her. And Lee who stood there watching me and Paul--more like just me--who also pretended not to notice as I had all my attention on Jenn.

“Okay good. I told her I would come by to see her today,” Paul said and he turns to me, “Will that be okay? If I leave you here for a while to go check on her?”

“Of course. Tell her I will see her tonight at the carnival,” I said as Paul ran his hands up and down my arms. I pretend not to notice the stares from Jenn and Lee out of the corners of my eyes.

“Okay good, and I will tell her for you,” Paul finally said leaning down kissing me on the mouth. Taken aback a little I instinctively kiss him back.

He pulls away looking at Lee--who I could only see out of the corner of my eyes. But I imagined him staring menacingly back.

Paul smiles turning back to me, “You should take a stroll down at the peer while I’m gone—they are getting it set up for tonight. It’s a little chaotic down there right now—but it could be fun. Give you something to do for a few hours until I get back.”

“Okay thanks—I might do that,” I said as Paul finally let me go kissing me on the forehead before walking away.

I turn watching him and Lee’s ‘stand-off’ as he walked by them—opening the front door.

Okay Paul definitely knows something--but if he does why is he being so nice to me? This couldn’t all just be about him not liking Lee--he’s never been so ‘out there’ about hating Lee before. No, he definitely knows something. I take a deep breath walking toward the door.

“So should we be expecting a ‘show’ from you tonight also?” Jenn asked as I walked by them--making it sound like she only asked if I would be joining them for dinner.

I turn around looking at her--she puts on a ‘cheeky’ smile clearly waiting for me to respond--I don’t. I begin to walk up the stairs--I couldn’t deal with Jenn right now. Her bitchyness was the least of my issues.

I feel someone grab my arm--I turn and meet Lee’s dark eyes. They looked almost black--and filled with fury as he stared at me. A little startled by his expression I could only stare at them--hypnotized.

“Can we talk?” he finally said still holding me rather tightly—with Jenn no more than a few feet away. I could see her out of the corners of my eyes--shocked by Lee’s behavior. So was I--I look at Lee, “Cant it wait?”

“No,” he said with finality. I jerk my hand out of his grip, “Lee--later? Okay?” I mean what was he doing? Jenn was right there for pete’s sake--growing more angry and curious by the second. This wasn’t looking good.

I don’t wait for him to respond as I continue walking up the stairs. I open my door walking into my room. I walk over to my bed falling down into its softness. Hearing a door slam--I sit up looking at the door.

“What is your problem?!” I yell at Lee as he walks into my room. He walks up to my bed standing in front of me.

I almost felt the urge to shrink in his presence as he stood staring at me. Pretending to brush off how utterly shocked I was--I roll my eyes lying back on the bed.

After he doesn’t respond or speak I sit up on my elbows raising my eyebrows, “Yea?”

“You can’t be with him Kate,” Lee finally said calmly--although there was no ‘calmness’ about him as he stared down at me.

“And why is that Lee? Because you don’t want me to?” I said looking up at him—trying to sound as calm as I could. Even though my heart hadn’t stopped pounding since he slammed the door.

“Yes. That’s exactly why,” Lee said glaring at me--trying to hold back the ‘obvious’ anger in his voice. I stifle a laugh—although this was nowhere near ‘funny’ right now.

I look at him, “You have some nerve Lee you know that? Here you are telling me I cant be with someone ‘because you don’t want me to’ and you are with Jenn! right now. You know Jenn--your girlfriend! Who you are still with by the way—so you coming in here acting like you have ANY authority over who I date is… yea quite funny.” I finally spat at him, never leaving his eyes--feeling my own angry rise—I was beyond pissed off at this point.

“Do you want me to stop seeing Jenn—is that it?” Lee asked looking at me.

“No Lee! that’s not what I’m saying!” I yell at him. “Then why aren’t you saying that Kate?! Why aren’t you even pissed that I am still with her?!” Lee spat.

Shocked by what he just asked I only stare at him. “Yea Kate—I said it.” Lee finally said still glaring at me—clearly waiting for me to respond.

I didn’t know what to say--suddenly realizing how loud we were I get walking to the door. Peeking my head out—expecting Jenn and Paul to be standing there listening—I was relieved when I didn’t see anyone. I shut the door walking back into the room.

“What—scared your little boyfriend is gonna hear us?” Lee said as I sat back on the bed. Rolling my eyes at him—I bring my feet in sitting up on the bed. “I hope he does!” Lee yells at the door.

“Will you stop?! He’s not even here anyway. But Jenn is…” I said looking up at him. He stares at me and stifles a laugh, “Why are you so scared of everything?”

“What?! I’m not! Just because I don’t want Paul or Jenn

hearing us--doesn’t mean I’m scared Lee!” I spat.

Lee crosses his arms looking at me, “Yes you are Kate--and this has nothing

to do with Paul or Jenn.” “How can you even say that?! Of course it does! They a--“ “No it does not!!” Lee yells interrupting me.

Startled I stare at him. “This has to do with YOU and Me Kate! And you sitting here acting like ‘they’ are the issue--proves even more, how scared

you are to face what is literally standing right in front of you,” Lee said never leaving my eyes.

“I don’t know what you want me to say!” I finally spat. “Just admit your scared Kate!” “Fine! I’m scared Lee! Are you happy now?! It doesn’t change anything!” I said crossing my arms—looking away.

Lee leans over and takes his hand--holding my face, “Yes it does Kate.”

“No it doesn’t Lee--I’m not losing what we have, okay? And I just wished you’d understand that.” I finally said--trying hard not to blink. I could feel tears just waiting for it.

“So what—you’re just going to be with that asshole because you’re too scared to be with me?” Lee said still holding me.

“I like Paul, Lee” I said meeting his eyes. “Bull shit Kate. You and I both know that is complete bullshit

,” Lee said as he released my face—stepping back.

“No it’s not! We are just getting to know each other that’s all. And I’m not being with Paul because I can’t be with you. Paul is just a nice guy and I’d like to get to know him better and hopefully tonight we can spend some time doing that,” I said looking up at him.

Lee bends down meeting my eyes--no more than two inches from my face, “I’m going to let this happen Kate because I care for you--and if you think you need this then I won’t stop you. But just know… if he fucks

with you in anyway tonight--it won’t be the door that I slam in his face--and I mean that. I don’t want him touching

you. Do you understand?” Lee said as he looked me in my eyes.

After I didn’t respond--more like couldn’t, he gets up walking out of the room.


****


“Oooohh! I wanna ride that one!” I said jumping up and down, pointing to a ride. Feeling like a complete kid again as I almost ran to it--getting in line.

We had rode almost every ride twice already, making sure I didn’t leave any out. I had been bouncing up and down giddy all night--probably from all the cotton candy and candy apples I hadn’t stopped eating since we got here.

“Are you sure? It looks a little unsafe,” Paul said sounding apprehensive as he finally caught up to me, looking up at the ride--hearing varied screams each time it flipped.

“Yes! I am so sure—I mean look at it!” I said gleaming. “I don’t know about this one Kate,” Paul said not hiding his 'obvious' reluctance to get on it--he was scared.

I had been pulling him along all night--having to convince him to get on every ride--twice. It has been a chore to say the least. It was times like these I wished Lee was here.

He would be the one dragging me--he always made sure to find the biggest or scariest ride. And we always rode that one first--no exceptions.

I turn to Paul, “Please? If you don’t want to though it’s okay, you can wait for me…” I look around the park, “you can wait for me over there!” I finally said pointing to a bench with a view of the ride farther back.

“No its okay, face your fears right?” Paul said sounding nervous. “Right!” I said as we walked closer up in the line.

One more turn to go--before I was finally riding this thing! Yay! “So where is Lee and Jenn tonight? I haven’t seen them—have you?” Paul asked as we stood in line.

Taken aback a little by his question--Paul is asking about Lee? That’s strange—okay a little more than strange. I pretend to look around the park, “Umm… I don’t know. Maybe they decided not to come,” I finally said looking at him.

Why did Paul want to see Lee? I know I didn’t--okay that’s not entirely true. I mean I was at a carnival after all—something I have always done with Lee.

And this was the first time--in a long time, he wasn’t here sharing this with me. But I didn’t want Lee ruining my mood--and after the way he spoke to me earlier I just knew if I saw him--that’s exactly what would happen.

I had silently wished he wouldn’t show up tonight. I wanted to have fun and besides having to drag a scared Paul around--it has been.

I look up at the ride smiling—hearing screams--I was more than ready. My fun level was about to go up a notch!

“Can we cut in?” Hearing Lee’s voice I instinctively turn and find him, Jenn, and Sam behind us. They were laughing, playing around with each other--obviously having a good time.

“Sure!” Paul said looking at them. “Sam how are you feeling?” Paul asked turning to her. “Oh I’m okay--like I’ve told you a million times already,” Sam finally said laughing.

I could only stare at Lee and how he was purposely ignoring me as he held Jenn in his arms, whispering in her ear. She hit him laughing.

What was this? Jenn and Lee actually getting along? Laughing

with each other? I stood staring at them.

“Kate?” I look at Paul, “Yea?” He points behind me, “They are waiting for you to get on.” Realizing I had totally zoned out for a moment--forgetting where I was--I quickly turn around seeing the ‘ride guy’ waiting for us.

“Oh sorry,” I finally said stepping up to find a seat. “Are you ready?” Paul asked sitting beside me.

“Yes I am. I have been waiting to get on this ride all night,” I finally said looking at Paul--spotting Lee and Jenn sitting down a couple of seats in front of us out of the corner of my eyes.

Sam sat right in front of us she turns her head glancing back, “I am so ready for this!” I laugh looking at her, “Me too!”

We all finally stumble out. “Oh my god we have to ride that again!” Sam said laughing. “Yea I know—it was intense!,” I said laughing with her.

“Okay fine we will—but could we get something to eat first?” Paul asked and turning to me he smiles, “something besides cotton candy?”

I laugh at him, “Yes. I could have some real food.” “Did I hear someone say food?” Lee said as him and Jenn finally walked up to us.

I didn’t turn looking at him--although I could see them out of the corner of my eyes. “Yes, we are going to find something to eat around here--what are you guys in the mood for?” Paul finally asked looking at everyone.

“I’m game for anything,” Sam replied rubbing her stomach. “Of course you are—you’re always ‘game’ for something Sam,” Jenn said laughing as Lee held her from behind--swaying her back and forth.

I couldn’t even respond as all my attention was on them. “Kate? Is there something you want in particular?” Paul asked looking at me.

“Oh no—whatever we all decide is fine with me,” I said trying hard not to stare at Lee. I mean what was he doing? Holding her like that?

We walk finding a pizza place, sitting down to eat. I couldn’t even concentrate on eating--glancing at Jenn and Lee.

“Here you have to try this…” Lee said holding up his fork for Jenn to take a bite. “Hmm… that is good babe,” Jenn finally said swallowing.

Lee leans down kissing her on the mouth--pulling away licking his lips. I blatantly stare at him.

He turns looking at me--pretending not to notice my ‘obvious’ glare as he looks at my plate, “Kate why aren’t you eating? It’s really good--you should try it” he finally said turning back to Jenn.

Paul looks at my plate, “Yea Kate—why aren’t you eating? Are you not hungry?” I don’t even answer Paul looking at Lee, “Can I talk to you?” I finally said getting up from the table.

“Right now?” Lee asked as he sat there holding Jenn. I stare at him—darkly, “Yes. Right now,” I finally said walking out.

“Yea?” Lee finally said walking toward me--he crosses his arms waiting for me to speak. I couldn't--I could only stare at him--pissed.

“Kate I thought you wanted to talk—if not th--“ “I know what you’re doing Lee--and I want you to stop!” I spat interrupting him.

Smiling he stifles a laugh, “You want me to stop?” “Yes.” “Stop what Kate?” Lee said smiling at me. “Stop pissing me off!” I spat glaring at him, “And you can wipe that smirk off your face--cause it’s not funny.”

“Yes, yes it is Kate—you’re funny. I’m just doing what any boyfriend would do--nothing more. And it’s funny how earlier you were okay with it and now… what--you’re not?” Lee asked raising his eyebrows.

“Oh so you’re trying to prove a point Lee--is that it?” I finally said crossing my arms. “I think I already have--and I am going to enjoy proving it some more,” Lee said smiling at me.

“What the hell does that mean Lee?” I said as I stood facing him. He leans over looking at me, “I think you know what it means Kate.”

Feeling my angry boil I stare at him, “You will not

touch her Lee.”

“Is that so?” Lee finally said meeting my eyes. “Yes

that’s so. I can make demands too--and I don’t want you touching

her,” I said never leaving his eyes.

“So what do you suggest I`do Kate?” Lee asked looking at me. “I don’t know—but seeing you with her… like that. I can’t

watch you be with her,” I finally said looking away.

“There you guys are! We have been looking for you,” Jenn said as she walks up holding Lee from behind. “Babe are you going to come finish? It’s getting cold,” Jenn finally said peeking over looking at him.

“No!—we’re not done talking,” I spat staring at her. She had about two seconds to walk away--I don’t think I have ever been this angry. I look at her, “Did you hear what I said Jenn?”

“Yes I did Kate--and this is me ignoring you,” She finally said as she rolled her eyes, turning back to Lee. I could only let out a laugh--looking at her, “I am so sick

of your bullshit Jenn, you know that?”

Shocked by my response she only looked at me. I could see Lee staring at me out of the corners of my eyes. “And I am so sick!

of letting you get away with it,” I said as I looked down, shaking my head.

Feeling my body tremble with utter fury, I look up meeting her eyes, “Not anymore Jenn.” “Hey what’s going on guys?” Sam asked as her and Paul came up to us.

Paul walks up to me, “Come on—lets go.” I didn’t respond—or look at him--I only had eyes for Jenn. “Kate look at me,” Paul finally said as he stood in front of me.

He brings his hands up, holding my face, “Let’s go, okay?” Paul said taking my hand pulling me away.

I finally turn around walking off with him.

The Strength in me

“There she is…” John said seeing me and Paul as we walked up to the booth.

“Hey,” I said smiling at him--trying to hide how still utterly pissed I was. Thankful Paul had pulled me away when he did.—I have never been in a fight, but now I know what it feels like to want to--and I still wanted to.

I hope I don’t see her--or her fucking face, she didn’t have any more chances with me. I was spent--done

dealing with her bullshit.

“So you enjoying the rides Kate?” John asked turning to me. “Yea I am,—although I can’t say the same for Paul here,” I finally said bumping Paul on the shoulder smiling at him.

Laughing out loud John looks at Paul, “Damn Paul she has balls! I like this one,” he turns to me, “Yea I know, he is such

a pussy—isn’t he?. I don’t know how many times I’ve asked him to go bungie jumping with me,—and whats the excuse you always give me Paul?” John turns to Paul stifling a laugh.

“What--I am always tied up in work, you know that. Plus it’s a dangerous thing to do anyway,” Paul finally said pretending to take offense to John’s obvious teasing.

“Right,—right, yep that’s the one,” John said as he hung a big, tan and orange stuffed lion on the wall, as one of the prizes. “What? You like it?” John asked noticing me admiring the stuffed animal.

“Yes I do… it looks so soft,” I said as I stood staring at it. There was something about it, it kind of mirrored me, how I was feeling. Like a ‘raging’ lion ready to pounce--ready to go after whatever was standing in my way.

And right now I was ready to prove to myself that I had the courage,—and the strength to do just that. And no matter who--whether it’s a bitchy girlfriend--or my own long-held fear of failing at following my dreams. It was time to attack--and there is no better time than the present.

I look at John, “How do I win that?” I asked pointing to the lion--the symbol for my internal strength. “You wanna play? Cool!” John said smiling at me.

“Now if want to win that,—that’s a pretty big prize, it’s gonna take a pretty big win,” John finally said looking at me. I smile at him, “Well it’s a good thing I have some pretty big balls, right? Because his mine!” I finally said smiling at him, taking the gun.

“Now you see those there? You have to hit at least three to win the big guy,—you ready?” John said as he showed me what to do. “Yes. I am ready,” I finally said bringing the gun up,—closing one eye. You can do this Kate. Focus on what you want--and take the shot!

Taking a deep breath, I pull the trigger.

“Damn! That was a lucky shot!” John said laughing,—surprised I had actually hit the target. “Luck had nothing to do with it baby!” I finally said smiling at him, bringing the gun up for another hit.

“I cant believe you did it!” John said as he took the stuffed animal down, “And with only three shots—on top of that. You do have balls,—don’t you? Paul you better watch out for this one,” John said stifling a laugh,—handing me my prize.

“Thank you,” I said looking at John taking it from his hands. “I was right—you are soft,” I finally said bringing it to my cheeks. We finally say our ‘good-byes’ to John, walking away.


“You know I could have bought that for you,” Paul said gesturing to the animal that I held closely to my chest. “Yea I know,—but I needed to win it. And I’m glad I did,” I said glancing up at Paul smiling.

“And did

you win it.—Have you ever shot a gun before tonight?” Paul asked. “Nope! And I probably won’t,—unless it’s one of those,” I said as I moved my head gesturing to the booth behind us as we walked through the park.

“I think John was right.—I’m going to have to keep my eyes on you. You’re a special one Kate,” Paul finally said smiling at me, as he took my hand holding it.

Although I instinctively wanted to pull my hand away--remembering Lee’s words. A part of me didn’t want to.—Paul had been there for me and still was--even though I had no doubt he knew about me and Lee.

If he didn’t know what we did,—he definitely knew something was going on. I think someone would have to be blind, in denial or just plain ignorant,—like Jenn--to not see it. Feeling my hand slack in his embrace, Paul wrapped his fingers around mine, holding them tightly.

We spot Sam in one of the lines, waiting to get on. Where were Jenn and Lee? Wanting to mentally slap myself for even thinking of her!, I wave at Sam.

“Hey guys! I was wondering where you both went off to,” Sam said as we approached her in the line. I pretend not to notice the subtle look she gave us,—as she looked down and saw us holding hands.

“Yea we went to see John,” Paul finally said looking at her. He seemed a bit nervous as we stood in line with her.

I wasn’t in denial--and I definitely wasn’t blind, Sam and Paul liked each other--even though they probably both didn’t know it yet.

I feel myself smile as they reminded me of me and Lee--once upon a time. “Why are you smiling,—what’s funny? Is there a fat balding guy around here I don’t see?” Sam asked as she looked around the park,—hoping to spot someone funny looking.

“No,—no, at least not that I know of,” I finally said laughing with her as we walked up closer in line.


“I’m glad you had fun tonight,” Paul said as we finally left the carnival walking along on the beach.

“Yea I know, I’m glad I decided to stay,” I said looking up at him. “Yea me too. How about one more splash before we call it a night?” Paul asked gesturing to the sparkling water.

It looked cool and quite peaceful as the moon seemed to shine down on it. The waves were small and inviting--how could I say no? “Yea okay, but I need to change first and put Courage here—down before I get in.,” I finally said holding up the stuffed animal.

“Courage huh? You named it?” Paul asked laughing. “Yea,—I guess I did,” I said laughing with him. “Okay, yea me too--I need to change,” Paul said as we walked up to the house.

“Kate, can I talk to you?” Hearing my name--and from her no less--I pause at the door, turning to the swing.

There sat Jenn smiling--‘smiling’ at me. Paul looks at me, “I’ll leave you two alone.—I’ll see you down at the beach.” I could only nod my head at him--still quite shocked by this.

He opens the door going inside; I start to walk standing in front of Jenn,—a few feet away. What could she possibly have to say to me?

Just seeing her again brought back how I felt earlier--and depending on what she said I knew I wouldn’t be able to hold myself back—this time. I look at her, “What Jenn?” “I’m sorry, okay?” Jenn said sounding sincere as she looked down playing with her hands.

Okay

, I was not expecting ‘that’ to come out of her mouth. Jenn has never apologized to anyone--least of all me. And she looked so frail and vulnerable, looking at her now.

Jenn always seemed to exert confidence—and a ‘I do what I please-don’t give a fuck about you’ attitude. That was just how she was but now… maybe I had been wrong. Maybe she was even more scared and alone than I was.

Growing up with ‘high-society’ parents couldn’t have been easy. And maybe this was the side that Lee saw--maybe this is the side of her that no one else knew about besides him.

I had always wondered why Lee would be with such a ‘bitch’ but I couldn’t bring myself to ask. Lee was his own man,—and if he chose to be with someone, I just always accepted it.—I wasn’t best-friends with his ‘girlfriends’ anyway. So it never really mattered.

I sit down beside her.—To be honest I didn’t really know what to say. I mean I’ve always just ignored her in the past but I couldn’t bring myself to do that. (Even though that would be the ‘ultimate’ revenge for all the shit she’s put me through!)

Call me a sucker but I know what it’s like to make mistakes--hell if we were being honest, I should be apologizing to her too. “Umm… it’s okay,” I heard myself say as I turned to look at her. I even managed a smile.

She glances up at me, “I don’t know why I do… what I do. I guess I’ve just always been a little jealous of you…” She finally said looking down.

“Of me?” I asked a little surprised--okay maybe more than a little.

“Well yea, Kate, you are very pretty--even though I could swear you act like you don’t know it. I mean I think you could use some more make-up--not that you need it or anything, but you know me ‘the make-up queen’—it’s one of my talents,” She said stifling a laugh.

I found myself laughing with her, “Well thanks,—and so are you. Very pretty I mean.” She was.—She could probably tone down on the make-up a little—but that’s probably because I never really liked to wear it.

Jenn was beautiful--she had it all. The clear—‘unblemished’ skin, the ‘fit’ body--she probably had her own personal trainer. And not to mention her light brown,—streaked blonde hair, and gorgeous blue eyes.

It’s like I was looking at her for the first time.—Before I couldn’t get past her bitchyness but now… seeing her like this, I can see why Lee liked her--maybe even loved her. Even though that’s a little hard for me to swallow,—but I bet it’s true.

“Lee adores you,—you know,” Jenn said looking up at me, “That’s probably another reason I give you such a hard time. I know he cares for you. I can see it in his eyes. And I know... you feel the same,” Jenn finally said looking down.

I smile at her, “Yea I do. And he cares for you too, you know. But that’s Lee though—‘Mr. Sensitive’,” I finally said looking down,—smiling. Jenn stifles a laugh, “Yep he is that.”


****


After getting ready,—I walk down to the beach. I decided I was ready to just be ‘me’--nothing more, nothing less.

I didn’t feel the need to ‘prove’ anything to anyone--most of all myself. And I no longer felt the need to hide--or be too ‘out there’. No, I realized I was somewhere in between and I liked it. So I wore the plain rustic orange piece,—it was simple--like me.

And after me and Jenn’s… ‘moment of peace’(Yea I know) I had let go of a lot of my own insecurities and fears.—Sharing with her, seeing a different side to her--helped me. Who knew?

I sure as hell didn’t. Jenn would have been the last person--better yet she wouldn’t have even made the list of people I thought would have impacted my life. But she did.

I guess that’s life for you. I guess in the end we are all the same--looking for acceptance, looking for love. And finding it in yourself,—I’ve realized is the first step.

As I approach I see Paul, John, and Sam playing around in the water. “Hey, she’s here!” John said as he saw me stepping in.

“Hey guys! Oh god it is cold,” I said as I came closer to them. “It warms up—and then it just feels too good,” Sam said laughing as she splashed John with water. “Hey cut it out! Oh yea…” John said as he dunked Sam head under water.

“I thought you were working the booth John?” I finally asked teasingly. “I told them I had put in all the volunteer hours I was going to.—I was so ready to get out of there. I couldn’t deal with any more whiny kids!,” John said laughing.

Laughing with him, I feel Paul come up behind me,—holding me. He leans over whispering in my ear, “You look good enough to eat.” Taken aback a little I smile up at him and bend down splashing his face with water.

I had been playing around with everyone,—having fun. Making sure not to get too close to Paul--I didn’t want to lead him on any more than I already have.

I enjoyed his company,—but if I were being honest with myself… I wanted to be with Lee. And I could no longer hide that--I no longer wanted to.

But Paul has been relentless--making sure he was always next to me, touching me at random times--in different places. I didn’t want to ruin the mood by being to forward but I had started to feel a little uncomfortable about his own ‘forwardness.’

I wished Lee was here, but I hadn’t seen him since… our fight at the carnival. Maybe he left? Or maybe he even decided I just wasn’t worth the effort.

It pained me to think that way but now that I ‘accepted’ that I had feelings for him. I couldn’t help feeling a little vulnerable about what might happen between us. Did he still want to be with me?

It would be my luck,—now that I had let go… of my fear, he had decided he didn’t want to. If I could just see him again, all I would need to do is look in his eyes and I’d know in that instant--if he still felt the same. “What you thinking about?” Paul asked as he came up to me,—holding me from behind.

I pull away turning around, “Oh nothing...just how much I’m going to miss the beach. I think I may be spoiled a little,” I finally said smiling at him.

“Are you saying I’ve spoiled you?” Paul said as he wrapped me in his arms holding me close. Before I could react,—he brings his hands down touching my ass, “I like spoiling you.”

I move his hands away--stepping back, “I think I’m ready to get out of this water. I’m starting to look all prune-y,” I finally said turning around,—walking out of the water.

I didn’t know if it was just tonight or just the way he was.—Maybe he was like this with all his ‘conquest’ as John put it--but I didn’t like it.

I probably was reading too much into,—but he was becoming a little too ‘handsy’ for my taste. “Where did Sam and John go?” I asked as we made it to shore.

“Oh they went to get some food,—they should be back soon. Sam wanted a little ‘late night snack’ on the beach. Oh there they are…” Paul finally said spotting John and Sam carrying a basket and some blankets.

“Oh okay, that sounds like fun,” I said as they approached. I could definitely eat something. I hadn’t been able to eat earlier--watching ‘Lee and Jenn’. And at least Sam and John would be here. I knew if it would have just been me and Paul,—I would have definitely told him no.

We had all been silently munching--I was so hungry. “Hey guys, wow,—this looks good,” Jenn said sitting down grabbing some fruit.

Hearing footsteps behind me and knowing who it was--my heart starts pounding and I couldn’t concentrate on eating. Feeling incredibly nervous as I watched his footsteps,—then his waist, as he finally sat down in front of me.

I hadn’t looked up since I felt him--even though it took all I had not to. I missed his face.

Finally looking up, I meet his eyes. And I am hit with how much I am in love with him all over again. There was no one else--just us, as we both sat there staring at each other.

He playfully sticks his tongue out, smiling at me. Feeling myself stifle a laugh, I do the same. I am so in love with Lee and it took me falling in love with myself to finally see that. And looking in his eyes I knew he felt the same--I don’t know why I even doubted ‘us’.

For the first time I watch him look away--and everyone else comes back into focus. Sam and Jenn were laughing with each other, and I saw John on the phone.

I finally notice what Lee was looking at--more like who, as Paul came walking back sitting down next to me. I hadn’t even noticed him gone.

“Sorry about that,” Paul said looking at me. I watch him look and notice Lee,—he smiles turning to me, “Do you want anything else to eat? I could get it for you.” “Thanks but I’m okay,” I said smiling at him. I knew what Paul was up to, but it didn’t matter. I also knew who my heart belonged to.

“Hey guys, how about we take one more swim? I mean who knows when we will be together again—like this. What do you guys think?” Sam asked as she looked at everyone. “What do you think babe,—you want to?” Jenn said looking at Lee.

Babe? They were still together? I had silently hoped he would have I dunno… told her about us or told her something… And I had thought since this was the first time they weren’t sitting right next to each other--maybe something did happen between them.

I mean normally Jenn made sure to keep Lee right under her nose. But no… he was still stringing her along--and after I had told him how I felt about it--I look at Lee.

He hadn’t stopped looking at me since Jenn said his name--he knew what I was thinking. He stares at me saying to Jenn, “Sure.”

I couldn’t even hide my anger, I turn to Paul, “Let’s go. I think I could use one more splash—how about you?” I finally said as I got up, and feeling Lee's eyes on me--I reached my hand out for Paul. He smiles up at me, taking my hand, as we walked to the water

The Heart in me

“Paul stop,” I said laughing as he tossed me, again

, into the water.

Coming up for air I look at him, splashing his face with water. “Hey! Do you want to get thrown in again? Because I’ll do it,” Paul said laughing with me as we played in the water.

We had been playing with each other ever since we got in. I needed a distraction--and Paul gave himself wholeheartedly. I had made a point not to look anywhere else.

I had noticed Sam and John getting into the water earlier, they had swam up to us, we even played chicken. Sam won of course making me and Paul fall back, tumbling into the water.

“Do you know where Jenn and Lee went?” Sam asked looking at everyone. “I think they went to change. Oh look here they come now…” John said as he watched them get into the water.

I couldn’t even bring myself to look their way, “Come on Paul let’s go farther out,” I finally said gesturing to the water.

I needed to go--anywhere but here. I knew I couldn’t stand there waiting for them--or play around with them once they reached us. I didn’t wait for Paul as I began swimming. I didn’t stop until I could barely feel the ground underneath me.

Once I came up for air turning around I realized Paul wasn’t with me. I stand up in the water looking for him, barely able to see anyone from this far out. Oh well, I lay my head back gazing at the stars.

I didn’t release my footing, I didn’t want to get swept away. I finally dunk my head in the water--trying to see if I could see anything below. Definitely not--it was pitch black down there.

Needing air I finally raise my head--seeing Lee as he walked up to me. Rolling my eyes, I dunk my head back in. I didn’t know long I could hold my breath, but I was willing to find out. He was the last person I wanted to see right now.

Feeling like I was about to explode, I finally bring my head back up letting out a deep breath. Meeting Lee’s brown eyes--waiting for me.

“Hey,” he finally said after we had been silently staring at each other for a while. I was tempted to dunk my head back in again

. But I found myself looking away--not responding.

I lay my head back, gazing at the stars. “Kate?” “What Lee?” I finally said looking at the stars. I didn’t even have the energy to sound mad or pissed. I guess I had spent it all earlier on Jenn.

Now I was just… I dunno. I needed peace and quiet. Gazing at the stars seemed to help. “I don’t want to be with her… if that’s what you’re thinking,” Lee finally said sounding nervous for the first time.

Rolling my eyes, I shake my head, stifling a silent laugh. “What Kate?” Lee asked looking at me.

“Then why are you still with her Lee?” I asked sounding as calm as I did before, still not meeting his eyes. “I don’t know. We just haven’t had the ‘talk’ yet… I guess,” Lee said as he shrugged his shoulders. “Okay Lee,” I finally said.

“Don’t do that Kate,” “Don’t do what Lee? Tell you how full of ‘it’ I think you are?” I asked sounding for the first time, how I felt--angry.

I don’t wait for him to respond--lifting my head up, meeting his eyes, “You talk all this shit about me--and how scared

I am, when you… you can’t even tell the girl you’re with

--how you really feel. Who’s scared now Lee?” I finally said staring at him.

“I’m not scared Kate,” Lee said meeting my eyes. I stifle a laugh, “Yes you are Lee! Just admit it--you’re a big fat pussy!

” I finally said as I rolled my eyes at him, laying my head back in the water. Let him suck on that.

I feel hands grab me from underneath, pulling me out of the water, I gasp--meeting Lee’s naked chest. Feeling his arms wrapped around me, his body so close to mine… I could feel every inch of him--I let out a breath.

I look up meeting his eyes, looking down at me. God he was so sexy… I couldn’t even pull away. Swallowing I could feel my heart pounding and I could feel her hot tingle below… wanting

to pull him closer.

I find myself bringing my hands up grabbing his wet hair--kissing him hard

on the mouth. He lets out a breath, hugging me tighter.

I was so mad at him--furious even. But feeling him like this… feeling his hot mouth on me as he pulled my hair, wanting more… I could only give it to him.

I bite his lower lip. “Ow, Kate—that kind of hurt,” Lee said smiling at me, pulling away for the first time, licking his bottom lip. “Good,” I whispered pulling his hair, slowly licking his lower lip with my tongue.

“Damn

Kate...you are so fucking

sexy…” Lee whispered through heavy breaths, never leaving my mouth, as he grabbed my ass, lifting me out of the water.

“I am so…mad at you…right now Lee,” I whispered in between breaths, as I sucked on his lip, kissing him on the mouth, “Furious even...”

I bring my legs around his waist pulling him closer; hugging his shoulders, and grabbing his hair, as I moved my ass against him.

He leans his head back, closing his eyes, letting out a quiet moan. Feeling him squeeze my ass--grinding her closer to him.

I stifle a moan--biting my lip, as I trail hot kisses down his neck, pinching his nipple. He lets out breath, lifting his head, meeting my eyes, as he slightly sits down in the water.

Now that I was sitting on top of him, floating in the water, he brings his hands up, running them through my hair. And never leaving my eyes, he grabs my hair, slowly pulling me closer--kissing me hard

on the mouth.

I could only let out a moan kissing him just as faithfully back. God

I could kiss Lee forever…

Hearing laughter for the first time I pull away, turning my head. Realizing it was from the guys playing around far away--I turn back meeting Lee’s eyes.

And before I let how fucking hot I was for him, screw with my judgment again

, I stand up, pulling away.

“Kate--don’t…,” Lee said, trying to hold on to me as I moved his hands stepping back. “No, I can’t Lee…” I said looking in his eyes, as I finally turned around swimming away.

Finally making it back to the guys, Paul turns to me, “Hey, where did you go?” “Oh… I went for a swim. Enjoying it one last time before I have to go,” I finally said managing a smile.

I hated leaving Lee like that--or having to walk away from him period. But I knew if I would have stayed with him… it would have made it that much harder to leave once reality set in--and Jenn was back in the picture.

I knew he told me he didn’t want to be with her… but he still was. And I just… I couldn’t do that to myself or Jenn. I mean she deserves to know the truth. And me and Lee well we deserve to be happy. And until something changes… I would just have to suck it up.

“There you are!” Jenn said as she finally saw Lee swimming back up to them. I couldn’t even meet his eyes, feeling overwhelmed with all of it--all over again.

I notice Paul look at Lee, then me--putting two and two together. Out of the corner of my eye, I see his expression darken.

Well I couldn’t fool him. And to be honest at this point, I really didn’t care what he thought. I was too tired and emotionally drained.

After we all settle down--probably feeling exhaustion setting in. Paul turns me around, facing him as he wrapped his arms around me, pulling me close, “Are you about ready to get out of this water?”

“I know I am!” Sam replied as I heard water splashing as she walked out. “Me too. I’m right behind you Sam,” Jenn said probably following right behind her. I couldn’t see them, but I heard John also, “I’ll second that!”

Before I could finally respond, Paul leans over whispering in my ear, “Do you want to?” He trails his hands down touching my ass.

“Lee! Are you coming?” I heard Jenn yell, before I could push Paul off--she was already at the shore. And realizing that Lee was somewhere behind us--still in the water, probably watching. I could only pause.

I notice Paul glancing behind me--probably watching him as he begins kissing along my neck. “Lee! Come on!” Jenn shouted sounding mad. Startled by Jenn’s shouting I jump, feeling Paul grab my ass.

“Lee! What are you--“ hearing Jenn let out a gasp, and feeling Paul get yanked off me, I turn seeing Lee slam his fist into Paul’s face, knocking him into the water.

“Lee stop!” I yelled trying to pull him away. He throws my hand off, slamming another fist into Paul’s face.

Lee!” I finally get in front of him, trying to meet his eyes--he didn’t look at me, watching Paul as he stumbled standing up. Paul wipes blood from his mouth--spitting into the water. He looks up staring at Lee.

“Oh my god Lee! Why did you do that!?” Jenn said sounding shocked as she finally made it to us. Paul licks his bottom lip smiling, “Yea Lee… why did you do that?” he said never leaving Lee’s eyes.

“Lee! What the hell is going?!” Jenn shouted as she tried to get his attention, grabbing his arm. Lee didn’t budge staring at Paul--waiting.

Paul smiles at him walking closer, stopping a few feet away, “Why don’t you tell her Lee?” he finally said meeting Lee’s eyes as he spit into the water.

This was not happening--this could not be happening right now. I could only stand there--shocked, looking at it all take place, right before my eyes.

Paul looks at Jenn, as he smiled glancing at Lee, “You see Jenn… our pal Lee here…likes to have his cake and eat it too…” he said never leaving Lee’s eyes, “Or should I say... you like to fuck

your cake while eating it too?” he finally asked staring at Lee--waiting.

“Lee what is he talking about?” Jenn asked sounding confused as she faced Lee, crossing her arms. Shit! Shit! Shit! Do something Kate! I look at Jenn, “Jenn let me explain…”

Jenn stares at me, “What? How can you expla…”Jenn said pausing in mid-sentence as she looked between me and Lee--finally realizing what Paul meant.

“Did you… fuck

her Lee?” Jenn finally asked staring at Lee, “Lee! Did you fuck her!?!” Jenn grabs Lee’s face--making him meet her eyes.

I could only stare--horrified at what was happening. Paul grabs me turning me around, holding me to his chest, “Our little Kate here isn’t as innocent as you thought, huh Jenn?” Paul said as he held me from behind.

“Paul stop!” I finally said trying to pull away as he held my arms to my chest. Lee turns his head staring at Paul.

“You know Lee, instead of fighting you… I’ll just fuck with you this way…” Paul finally said watching Lee as he trails his hand down my body--touching me below, “Damn

, she’s still wet for you.”

I could hear Jenn scream Lee’s name as he stands in front of us never leaving Paul’s eyes, “Let her go.” Lee said sounding calm, looking at Paul.

“Or what Lee? You’ll hit me again?...” Paul said as held me tighter to his chest, never leaving Lee’s eyes. “Paul stop!” I cried struggling to get out of his grip.

Paul smiled glancing up at Lee, “I think Kate here…might be worth a couple of punches, don’t you?” he said holding me tighter to him--staring at Lee. He steps back looking down at me, I could feel his hot breath on my neck.

“Damn

, she is…fucking

hot isn’t she?” Paul said running his hand along my body as he grabbed my breast, “I can see why you want her for yourself Lee--I’m jealous,” Paul finally said stifling a laugh, “Look at you Lee… I don’t think I’ve ever seen you so angry. I bet this is…killing

you right now isn’t it?”

I look up at Lee looking in his eyes--there was nothing there. I searched and searched but I could not find… my Lee.

He was a different person as he stood still never leaving Paul’s eyes. I knew he wanted to hurt him. Maybe even kill him. I saw it in his eyes, the moment Paul let me go--he wouldn’t stop until...

Oh my god I couldn’t believe this was happening. This can’t be how it ends…

I couldn’t let this happen--I had to find my Lee. I had to bring him back to me… I would not let Paul take…my heart from me.“Lee look at me!” I said as I struggled against Paul. “Lee!” I yelled after he hadn’t moved, still staring at Paul as if there was no one else.

“Lee! You have to look at me please?!” I screamed feeling tears run down my cheeks, “Don’t let him don't do this to us! Don’t let him…take you from me…” I finally said through sobs as I looked down, closing my eyes--feeling defeated. He didn’t look at me. It was too late.

No! Don't give up on him Kate! As long as your heart beats--keep fighting!

. I have to bring him back to me. I have to make him remember our love...

I look up at him, “Do you remember when we first met--do you remember what you said to me?” I asked looking in his eyes. Lee turns his head meeting my eyes.

“I haven’t forgotten. I believe it now more than ever. I love you Lee. I am so in love with you… you belong to me and I to you. And no one

can take that from us…” I finally said never leaving his eyes.

“Well

, isn’t that just the sweetest

thing. Lee wasn’t that just the sweetest thing?” Paul asked looking at Lee, “I think you deserve a kiss for that Kate,” Paul finally said as he grabs my jaws, turning my head.

Struggling to get away I spit in his face. Taken aback Paul wipes his eyes, releasing me. Lee lunges at him and they fall back into the water.

“Lee!” I yelled running to them as they finally came up for air. Lee slams his fist into Paul’s face making his head fall back in the water.

“Lee stop!” I yelled as I grabbed his hand before he lunged another fist hitting Paul. Paul comes up for air, coughing.

“Lee look at me,” I finally said after he stopped, he didn’t pull my hand away. He turns his head meeting my eyes, and for first time… I saw my Lee staring back at me. He was still on Paul but his eyes never left mine.

“Don’t do this. You’ll only regret it. You have too much of a heart… not to. He is not worth me losing you...,” I finally said meeting his eyes.

Paul coughs, and Lee turns looking at him. He stands up, never leaving Paul’s eyes as Paul finally gets up out of the water.

Ignoring Paul, I walk up to Lee bringing my arms around him. Hugging him close to me, I finally look up meeting his eyes, “I thought I had lost you for a second there,” I said smiling.

He looks at me as I bring my hands up touching his face. Hearing Paul clear his throat, I turn looking at him. “Kate I…” Paul said as he looked at me, “I’m…so…I’m so sorry,” Paul finally said looking sad for first time, as he turned walking away.

I turn looking up at Lee, “Come on, let’s get you cleaned up,” I finally said holding his hand as we turn around, walking out of the water.

I notice someone sitting at the edge of the shore. Realizing it was Jenn, she had her head down, I turn looking at Lee, “Go to her Lee. She needs you…” I finally said as I released his hand.

“Kate…I’m so sorry fo--“ I bring my hand up stopping him, “I know Lee. Now go,” I said as I kissed his cheek, turning around walking out of the water.

The Life in me

I’m home.

It felt good to be back. Seeing my old worn-out sofa, and wobbly coffee table--didn’t know how much I had missed it.

It had been almost a week since ‘the unforgettable weekend’ and what a week it has been. After coming back I had decided it was time to ‘do’ something--it was time to follow my dreams, my passions, and my hopes for ‘my future’.

I was ready to get a job or a career or whatever--only this time I wouldn’t settle for just anything. No, I was done settling.

I had even went to my old job--tying up loose ends there. I didn’t like the way I ended things, and I was ready to face my past as well.

Joanne although she still pissed at me, after I told her what I had been doing, and how much I needed this, she was soon asking me how I did it.

Of course I didn’t know what to tell her, only I guess it all starts with a decision. A choice. And after that, well, things just seem to ‘happen’.

Speaking of the past, Paul had even tried calling me a couple of times, apologizing for well, pretty much feeling me up at the beach. And he and Lee’s behavior, and I even spoke with him--I know.

But I wanted to put even that behind me. My focus was on my future, but more so my present and I figured in order to be in my present--completely. I needed to face my past, and it was time to forgive and forget. Well maybe not forget, but definitely forgive.

I hadn’t spoken or seen Lee since the last night at the beach. To say I haven’t been a little upset by that would be a lie. But if Lee was happy with Jenn, and they decided to work it out… well I could only be happy for them.

Although I am a little pissed--okay maybe more than a little he hasn’t called or came over, I think I deserved that much.

Hearing the phone ring, I dropped my bags, and walk over picking it up, “Hello?” “Hey.” Hearing his voice after so long, I could feel my heart pounding, and I could feel myself smile, “Hey you.”

“Hey you, what are you doing?” “Well, I am wondering why my best friend is just now calling me, after… how many days has it been?” I could hear him chuckling over the phone.

“It’s not funny. Why are you just now calling me?” I hear a knock at the door, “Lee, hold on. Someone’s at the door.” I walked over and opened the door.

I pause when I see Lee standing there with a big smile on his face, some popcorn, and a couple of movies. He shuts his phone, “Hey.” I couldn’t even pretend to be upset, I smiled, “Hey.”

It felt so strange, looking at someone whom you’ve seen almost all your life, and now it felt like I was seeing Lee for the first time. Looking in his eyes, those chocolate sweet brown eyes, it took all I had not to kiss him.

“Are you gonna let me in?” Lee asked, smirking at me.

“No, I’m not. You think just because you show up here with popcorn and…” I grabbed the movies from his hand and laughed, “You brought Dirty Dancing 2?”

“Yep. I thought we could have a little marathon on the couch. I remember you telling me you wanted to watch it so” He looks at me, smiling--knowing he had me.

He knew I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to watch Dirty Dancing. Damn, he knows me too well. I roll my eyes, turning around, leaving the door open. He comes in, shutting the door.

“Let me change out of these clothes. And you know where everything is. I’ll be right back,” After I change, I come back in, and plopped on the couch beside him.

“Are you ready?” He asked, glancing at me. “You know it baby! Let’s do this.” I say smiling. He clicks it on and hands me the popcorn.

We had been watching for a while, and I noticed we had been stealing glances at each other the entire time.

“So… did you work things out with Jenn?” I asked still looking at the screen, popping a kernel into my mouth.

He doesn’t look at me, “Yea we talked.” I glance at him, “So… you both are still together? She forgave you?”

“Yes, well, I don’t know if she has forgiven me but in time maybe…” He glances at me, “But we are not together.” He turns back to the screen.

Swallowing (not only the popcorn), but my nerves, I focus on the screen. I mean a part of me is screaming--at the top of my lungs, yes! Yes! But I couldn’t help but feel incredibly nervous now.

I mean now there was nothing standing in our way… now we could actually be… something more. Something other than what either one of us was used to--at least with each other.

Am I even girlfriend material? Now that I am finally getting my life together, was rushing into a relationship the best thing? Even if it was with Lee? And what does Lee think now? Did he even want to… try to be something more with me??

“Kate?” Realizing Lee had been trying to get my attention, I look at him, “Yea?”

“Stop.” He said smiling as he glanced at me. “Stop what?” I asked surprised. “Stop over-thinking it,” He said still smiling as he took my hand.

“I wasn’ t I was ju--“ He turned and looked at me, “It’s still just you and me. And I hope the only thing that changes about that is this…” He leaned over and lightly kisses me on the mouth. He pulled away, looking in my eyes.

Feeling my heart pound, I never leave his eyes, as I slowly lean over kissing him back. He lets out a breath, and never leaving his mouth, I sit on his lap, holding him close.

After sometime, I pull away, “How did you know I was ‘over-thinking’ it?” He smiles, bringing his face closer to my lips, “Because it’s me remember?” He kisses my lips, and looked in my eyes, “And I’m in love with you.”

I bring my face closer to his lips, “Are you now?” I bring my hands up running them through his hair, “So what do you suggest we do about that?” I ask looking in his eyes.

He smiled never leaving my eyes, “We love the hell

out of each other.” Laughing I bite his lip, “I think I can do that.”

I sit up, looking in his eyes, “By the way, do

you remember what you told me when we first met?”

He met my eyes, “That fate must have brought us together for a reason. And oh yea, if your insurance didn’t cover this, I was going to go off on somebody.”

Laughing with him, I kiss him on the mouth. He grabs my hips, pulling me off of him, “What are you doing?”

He gets up, taking my hand, “Follow me.” Without hesitating I get up, and follow him into my bedroom, “What about Dirty Dancing?”

Lee shuts the door, and walks over, throwing me on the bed, “We have the rest of our lives to watch Dirty Dancing, it can wait. But this…”

He climbs on top of me looking in my eyes, “I have been thinking about this

since the beach. Are you ready for some Lee loving?”

Laughing I look at him, “Lee loving? Really Lee?” He smiles, “Yep, you haven’t seen nothing yet, baby.”

“Is that so?” I smile, bringing him closer. This was it. Knowing it could only get better from here. I smile up at him, as he brings his face closer. And I close my eyes, waiting.


The End, no scratch that. This is definitely the beginning of my new life.

Impressum

Texte: This book is copyrighted by Tiffany Anyel
Bildmaterialien: Photo from google images
Tag der Veröffentlichung: 28.03.2012

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