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Dying to be thin

Dying to be thin,

Needing to be perfect

Eyes that lie

A body too weak

You stand still before the mirror

Seeing one thing

Seeing what was never there

Pinch the fat, that nonexistent skin

Suck in your stomach

To make yourself feel thin

Thin, Thinner, Thinnest as can be

Fat, fatty, fattiest

Will never do

Force your body to work its hardest

To shed away the fat only you can see

Pushes up and sits ups

Over and over till you collapse

Only to get up again

To start again

Weak hearted girl

Your shriveled lungs will surely fail

If you keep throwing your food away

And playing with your life

Thin, thinner, thinnest is the best

For girls such as you

Dying to be thin

Reaching for that goal

Of a size 0

And fading completely away

Gross

"She looks so gross,"

Those words are cutting

Whispered and true

And killing me softly

I hold my head down

Not wanting to see their eyes

I knew what they would say

I knew they would laugh

"Why did they let her out the house?"

They asked, and I wanted to answer

My mother doesn't like me

My father is never around

I don't like being in a house

Where there's food to taunt me

My stomach clenches tightly

And I want to get sick.

I suck in my stomach

I suck in the fat

Inside I knew I was just as gross

Neither pink and shiny

But black and white

I feel so dirty

I just want to hide

But I keep on walking

Even when inside I died

"She looks so thin..."

That was a lie

"She looks so sick..."

That's because I pucked this morning

"She isn't normal...."

I know

The bathroom is closer now

A few more steps and I can let loose the guilt

I'd ate this morning,

a piece of toast

My body said yes

My mind screamed no

Their words are still there, following me as I go

Kara the fat girl

Kara the weird

Gross

Gross Kara

I want to cover my ears

I just want to die

I step into the bathroom and go for the stall

The toilet is my savior

My fingers my redemption

Down they go

Index first

Middle next

They poke and prob, and push deeper within

My stomach coils, tightens and burns

It's ready to blow

I'm almost free

The acid ripes at my throat as it moves up up and falls from my mouth

I heave and puck

until there's nothing left

I almost feel better

So I do it again

Again

Again and again

until there's nothing for my body to consume

until I feel ready to fly

I almost feel like crying

I've done good today

I've made myself less gross

I wish I was Pretty

I wish I was pretty

Like the girls from my homeroom

I want their confidence

I want their thinness

Sigh Sigh

What jealously I feel

Whenever I look

At their long thin legs

I pinch my own thigh and whimper in distress

That fat there is meaty

Why couldn't I be thin?

I wish I was pretty,

like the girls in my homeroom

with their long limbs and tiny waist

They get all the guys

I pull at my stomach

I suck in the fat

The boys in class don't even know I exist

They only see a desk and chair

They'll never see me

I wish I was pretty

Maybe then I could finally stop feeling so worthless

Mirror Mirror

Mirror Mirror on the wall

Who's the fattest of them all?

She's standing so still

A chunky big doll

With sunken in cheeks

And pitiful eyes

Mirror Mirror on the wall

Why do you think, fats girl cry?

They pinch they pull they try so hard

To make themselves thin

To get rid of the fat

Exercise exercise until you break down

Till your bones turn to dust

Till your lungs give out

Stand up straighter and start anew

Keep on working till there's nothing left

Mirror Mirror on the wall

Why did God make me like this?

Can you tell me at least...

Tick Tock

I don't want to go back to class

I don't want to see those people

They judged

They pointed

They laughed like I wasn't there

The bathroom is a comforting place

It's a safe place

I could live here

Inside the stall

Just me, my savior, and my redemption

But they would come looking for me soon

They always did

I look at the mirror and almost cry again

Mirror Mirror on the wall

Why was I made to look like this?

I wanted to ask, but my throat hurts

It's torn apart and scratchy from all the acid

I stare at the fat girl

At stare at myself

Disgusted with how I looked

I give her a smile

Flip her off and leave before she could devour me

Fear is crawling through my skin

Whispering vicious words

Telling me what I already knew

I try to block it

To pretend it doesn't hurt

But it does, it hurts and I want to disappear

Mr. Math Teacher is teach teach teaching like nothing is wrong

He didn't see them pointing when I walked in

Didn't hear them laughing like I did

I shrink closer to the floor

Wishing it would just open up and swallow me whole

Tick

Tock

Tick

Tock

The clock is killing me

Once, twice, and three times I looked at it

Ten minutes and I go home

I rub my stomach,

feeling the fat,

and hearing it growl

Hungry

I was always so hungry

And I never knew why

Tick

Tock

Tick

Tock

Tic....

Please Mr. Time why don't you stop already?

Stop and give me a minute to swallow the pain

Tick

Tock

Tick

Tock

People are leaving now

Is it already time to go?

I didn't realize

I look at the clock

My stomach tightens

Time to go home

Home Sweet Home

Aha, how good it is to be home

To step through the door

And feel that first blow

My jaw aches, it feels almost broken

I turn to face her, eyes wide in terror

She looks so angry

So bitter with life

With me

The blow comes again

It throws me to the floor

Blood splatters in my mouth

The pain comes next

I don't try to get up

Maybe

Maybe if I play dead she'll go away

She heaves an angry growl and reaches out

I flinch away

Oops my mistakes

I shouldn't have done that

Mummy what did I do

to make you so bitter

to hit me repeatedly

to tear me apart?

Is it because I'm not like you

Thin and beautiful

Is it because Daddy is never home

The third blow is the charm

She's breathing hard

Crying like she'd taken the beating instead

"How could you," she says in a tiny voice

"How could you leave me for her David?"

Aha, so she thought I was Daddy

I should have guessed

She was drunk

So I couldn't blame her

I don't move, don't breath

My face hurts,

The blood won't stop

My lungs are on fire

I wish she'd just go away

I wish she'd stop staring at me with those eyes

Cover Scheme

The pain is still there

A ghostly reminder on my face

It sings and burns

It makes me cry

I test my jaw

Test it and test it

To make sure she didn't break it

The girl in the mirror looks so pitiful

Her fat cheeks pink and shiny

Dusted with blue, black, and purple bruises

I almost feel bad for her

She looks too sad

If only she was thinner

Then I would cry for her

I watch as her hands take out the tools

Her cover up scheme is about to begin

Concealer and powder

To make it look real

To make the bruises go away

To make everything look okay

I almost feel bad for her

She's crying real hard

She's really in pain

But

She's too fat to care about

Dinner

Dinner was a disaster

An awkward affair where no one cared

Mother was scowling

Father was drinking

And no one would eat

Dinner was a disaster,

One I would love to forget

Too bad for me

Things never worked in my favor

New Girl

The next morning came

Bright and early and full of chirping

I didn't want to get up,

I didn't want to go to school

But I did anyway

And look where it got me

There was a new girl at school today

A heavy girl

Bigger then even me

But she wasn't a thing like me

She didn't slouch like I did

She didn't hide behind her hair

In fact, I fear I might have seen what looked liked a smile

Slithering across her face

The new girl is interesting to everyone now

They all couldn't understand how someone so fat

Could look so happy

I couldn't understand

How she looked so comfortable

I felt funny inside, like something was eating away at me

It took me a second to realize what

I took me a minute to squish it back down

No, no no

I won't allow it,

I can't allow the past me back out

She would only make a mess of the work I'd accomplished

The new girl was standing in front of me

How did she move so fast with her short little legs?

I stare at her, she stares at me

Then she smiles brightly

"Hey," she says, "I'm Amber."

I nod slowly, not trusting my voice

She returns my nod with another revolting confident smile

And turns to leave

I hate the new girl already

PE

Physical Education isn't fun

Everyone watches you

They always do

I don't feel comfortable in shorts and a tee

Each step I took the fat jiggled on me

I wanted to hide

I didn't want them to see

But I was already out there

They've seen me now

So I sucked in the fat and pretended I didn't care

Physical Education isn't fun

Impressum

Widmung:
To those who wished to be perfect. You're already perfect just as you are.

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