chapter 1

I think to myself fuck its hot it feels like my face is in an oven and there is a fan someone is throwing sand into and it’s hitting my face. My body is soaked with sweat and it 0200 in the morning. Sitting in my Humvee my body armor is still heavy my helmet is still tight and there’s hardly any room to move. I look down the road and the only light is from my Humvee and an oil well about a mile up the road. It’s tall and looks like the devils finger. We all knew to keep our eyes open when we saw the devils finger because we were headed into hell.
I keyed my mic to point out devils finger and let them know we were going in blacked out. The lights went off and I turned on my night vision. Then familiar green glow came from the little light there was and the lasers on the weapons looked like light sabers that extended as far as the eye could see. The radio was silent as we approached devils finger. As soon as we passed the first explosion went off we couldn’t see anything from the smoke and dirt. All you could hear were screams and gun fire. Shots rang out in every direction it was a road side bomb and ambush.
Everyone was yelling and screaming for information no one could tell where the shots were coming from. I jumped out seeing the flash from gun fire I flipped my safety raised my rifle an ran to the mound of sand I dove to the ground for cover squeezing the trigger as fast as I could get back on target. When the shooting stopped I ran to the Humvee that had been hit and pulled open the door. It was still on fire pretty well engulfed in flames. As the door opened I could smell the burning flesh and the screams had dulled to soft hurting words “help” I reached in to grab the truck commander my hand touched his arms and all I felt was boiling flesh. The skin was still on fire and started to burn mine I put my head on his side and threw him over my shoulder hearing the scream in his voice let me know there was still energy left in him. I ran about 20 yards and laid him in the sand and called for the medic as I ran back to get the others. The driver door was open and I called for him there was blood everywhere. He yells from the ground ” sir I’m still good it’s just a flesh wound” I look down and he’s laying on the ground with a belt as tight as he could get it around what was left of his left leg. I pick him up and start running again I laid him next to the truck commander and head back for the gunner. I hadn’t realized the shots had started back all I could think about was my boys I have to save them. I yell for the gunner and there is no response the truck is covered in flames but I can see his body hanging over the side of the turret. As faced as I could I climbed up the back side of the Humvee and I could see the blood on top of the roof boiling. I grabbed him by his vest and started to pull when the sky lit up with explosions. All around us was blowing up nowhere to run nowhere to hide. A rocket hit the driver side of the Humvee throwing my off but I never let go my gunners lifeless body lays on top of me. I can feel is blood on my hands rolling from his face and neck on me soaking me in his blood. I roll him off of me and can barely move myself I drag him to the medic.
I pull my rifle and start firing again running back to my truck my driver yells air support on its way! I yelled to him to drive over to the medic and load up. I knew the chopper wouldn’t land there not in a hot landing zone and we were down one truck and running low on ammo. The only way I was getting anyone home alive was to get out of there.
My driver called over the radio “boss lets go were loaded up” I called back and told him to turn around at the sheep dump and meet me at the devils finger. He told me your nuts boss. But he knew that there was no other place to turn around without making a 12 point turn. I jumped the sand mound and stayed low to the ground running to the finger.
I’m about 30 yards away when I see movement at the bottom of the finger when the shots start wiz zing by. I returned fire but never stopped running. I was on my last mag and I knew it but I had no other choice. I pulled the trigger again and again and all I got was click click. I changed from my rifle to my pistol and kept shooting there was a sharp pain in my leg and I fell to the ground. I rolled toward the mound laid out prone I started making better shots. I hear my truck its getting close he honked at me and I hear my gunner let loose on the finger. I stand up and fall down and try again I can’t put any weight on my right leg it’s on fire. I start hoping to my truck and the explosions start again. It hits close and knocks me up against my truck I’m dizzy it hurts to breathe. I pull the door open and get drug in.
I open my eyes and take a deep breath my wife says what the hell let go of my hand if you’re going to try a break it. Then I hear the explosions and the bright flashes it’s the 4th of July and I’m lying in the back of my truck with my wife. Every firework that goes off I tense up and hold my breath. I can’t take it it’s too much I have been home for just one month I look at my wife and tell her we need to go. She said “really I can’t believe you it’s just started. Were never going to be able to do anything this is bull shit” I jump in the truck and grab the wheel with both hands I start seeing stars shit I have been holding my breath the whole time.
I get on the highway we have an hour drive home. When I see and explosion on of the corner of my eye I jerk the wheel but manage to keep it on the road I slow down now trying to stay focused and keep myself out of hell. My wife looks at me and tells me I’m a fucking ass hole. The rest of the drive no words are spoken.
No sooner then I pulled in the drive way she jumped out I stayed sitting in my truck for about 20 minutes until I got out and laid in the back. There were no fireworks anymore it was quiet I stared up at the stars I thanked god for saving everyone’s life that day and a shiver went down my spine. My hands hurt and I put them together the skin was tight and my hands were stiff. I told myself fuck I’m 21 and my body hurts like this fuck my life! I fell asleep staring up at the moon and stars as my wife lay in our bed crying.

chapter 2

I was standing up against the wall in the corner it was pitch black the only reason I could see was because I had on my night vision. The man walked in with his eyes to the ground following my bloody foot prints as he got closer I saw other men walk in behind him. I knew I couldn’t shoot I had to do it quiet. he followed my foot prints to the wall I could hear him breathing he was standing right in front of me he saw my boots and started to look up when I grabbed him and covered his mouth. I pulled my knife out and ran it across his neck. The sound haunts me it was the sound of slicing a juicy ham and the gurgling of a stopped up sink. I pulled him in close and held him tight to my body. I wrapped my other arm around him to keep him up right. The blood flowed over my arm it felt like hot lotion. The smell of copper gripped my nose. his heart was beating slower I felt his body going limp as he tried to take his last breath both his hand gripped my arms tight as they loosened I knew I had taken this man’s life. His body went limp and I slowly laid him down his eyes were still open looking at me. The memory haunts me every time I let my mind drift off. All I could think about was this man might have kids and a wife he won’t be going home to did they get to say good bye and it was all by my hand. The blood of war cannot be washed from my hands I had taken a man’s life up close and personal I felt his blood on my body and I was holding him as the life had left his body.
I couldn’t sit and think about it. It was his life or mine and now his life was taken by my hands. There are still 3 people left in the house. I look over at my partner and he is sitting over one of the men still with his 13 inch knife still in his head. The knife was stuck up under his chin and threw his head the bloody tip was sticking threw the man’s scull blood running to the floor. We have 2 left we can’t think about what we have done all we can think about is what we still have to do to leave this place alive.
Its dark there is little light in the room why can’t I see? What happened to my night vision? My heart starts to race I stand up fast and my head hits something I crouch and take a step toward the only light that’s close. I fall and hit my head on something I can feel blood starting to run down my face from over my right eye I worried now I can’t put things together. From behind me I hear a voice yell at me “what the fuck are you doing what’s you god damn problem it 3 in the fucking morning!” it’s my wife. I’m at home in my house I know where everything is now. A sigh of relief sneaks out and my wife tells me to get back in bed and not to wake her again.
I think to myself you’re such a bitch if you weren’t 6 months pregnant I would leave your dumb ass! I start asking myself why she doesn’t understand. Why do I still have these nightmares? Will they ever stop? Is my daughter going to know what I have done? Can I even be a good husband and day? Only time will tell.

chapter 3

As the plane lands a grip my bible tight in my left hand and my right hand rest on the pistol grip of my m-4 my ruck sack siting by my feet the plane slows to a stop. The ramp lowers and the hot dry air rushes in we all stand to exit. I throw my ruck on my back the weight is heavy on my knees I buckle my helmet and start walking towards the ramp bible still in hand I drop it in my left cargo pocket my grip tightens on my rifle as I take my first steps in this furan country. Hearing the screaming of commands but not listening to the words all I hear is noise I continue to walk I turn to face my troops I take in the looks on the young men’s faces barely old enough to shave the look of fear and wonder lays on the faces of them all. My troops form up without a word the small unit stands tall waiting for their orders and I have none. I call them to attention and walk my unit inspecting every one of my troops. They stand tall and proud trying to hide their fear they look straight threw me. I start to speak but words are few I put them at ease and walk to get my orders for my unit.
I salute my commander and tell him my unit is all present and accounted for he puts me at ease but turns his back to me as he speaks in a gruff voice he speaks not so much to me but to himself as he looks out at the deserted desert saying “you pukes have taken to many lives I have a surprise for you!” he turns back to me and says “Sargent I have your orders your unit will be looking for the pukes that have been hitting us hard this is operation viper.” I get all the details from the lt's I thank and salute them and turn to walk out as the commander says “Sargent you’re going to face a lot of resistance” with an ill look on his face I turn and walk back to my unit with every step I feel the sand shift under my feet.
As I approach my unit the go to attention without an order being spoke I says trying to hold back the fear with the commanders last words echoing in my ears “scorpions were heading out our mission is to find the pukes that keep hitting these troops hard day in and out we are to find them and bring them back dead or alive” not even a twitch as my words soak in I tell them to mount up and prepare to head out.
I reach down and put my hand on the sand the days heat still keeping the sand warm I pick up a handful and stand and slowly let it fall between my fingers after a few seconds I dump the rest of the sand from my hand and walk to my Humvee I open the door and put my head set on I tell my driver to roll out. We leave the base and I key the microphone saying “lock and load “
The only light we can see is our own headlights there has been no radio traffic yet and it’s been about an hour I key the mic “boys is this how you played army man growing up?” a few chuckles came over the radio and the gunner in truck two said “sarg when I played army man I made my brother play the Indians. I think I was a little off on my enemies” the small talk continued tell we got close to our destination we shut off all lights and used night vision we pulled into the city and small fires started in front of some of the houses it was quiet the motors stopped and I got out I could hear my heart beating in my chest I gave the order to de mount my gunners stayed just like they were trained along with the drivers. My gunner came over the radio saying “sarg we’ve got movement on top of the buildings all around us” I cut him off and said “stay steady keep an eye on em”
We form up and start to walk the streets my gunners on a swivel when the first shots ring out were being shot at from all around us the gunners rain rounds at the tops of the building and my troops started taking shots trying to get to cover. Explosions start rocking us from every direction.
We’ve been had they were ready for us with a well-planned ambush we fight back and clear out the closest buildings and the fire fight dies down to few and far between shots that my gunners take care of fast and it stops altogether. I check my troops and account for all of them none have been hit and all were accounted for. My gunner says “hey sarg I’ve been in bar fights more intense then that” trying to lighten the mood of the younger troops. We still have 6 blocks to go before we get to the building were going to. I form my unit back up and order them to move out again from the front of the formation.
As we approached the cross roads shots started ringing out as my unit came under attack and an un goddly pain hit me like a ton of bricks I screamed in pain! I opened my eyes I was still screaming but I wasn’t in Iraq where am I? laying on my chest is my 4 month old daughter starting to cry. I realize it was another nightmare. Getting my grip on me my wife ran into to living room and starting bitching at me for waking our daughter up. She reached out and took her away from me. All I could think about was how I must be a bad dad and feeling terrible for waking her up. My chest is still in pain and im sweating and a little short of breath.
I decided to take a shower to cool off and calm down. There was no hot water as the water ran down my body it felt like hundreds of knifes jabbing all over me. I look at my shoulders seeing the tops of my tattoos reading and remembering why I got them. On my left shoulder I have a grim reaper and the words “feel the fear face the fear follow the order” I run my hand over the top of it and can feel the raised skin. My right shoulder I see the tops of the wings of the gargoyle perched on top of a building. I close my eyes again remembering the pain that each one had. I reach around and feel the skin that’s raised on my back from the wolverine tattoo that takes up the left side of my back. I think to myself if only I could have healed like Logan does in the comics. I turn off the water and drip dry with my hands on the wall thinking to myself what the hell am I doing I’m not a family man what the hell do I know about raising a daughter. Im heating up again just thinking about it just going back to Iraq would give me what I know what im good at.
I step out of the shower and dry off wrapping a towel around me I open the door and hear my wife bitching about me waking up Sara. I walk into the living room and her sisters standing there and looks at me with a look that could kill and says “you’re such an ass hole why would you scream when Sara was sleeping on your chest? You’re a dick!” I nodded and said sorry I had a night mare then I looked at my wife and said im going to get dressed and go to work. Her sister said “that’s just like you wake her up and make her cry and leave I hope you get stabbed tonight” I rolled my eyes and walked off.
I left for work an hour early but I didn’t mind I am a prison guard and enjoy my job. After working 8 hours thinking about what had happened the day before I felt like having a beer so I went to Larry’s a local bar that I spent a lot of time at before I got married. Mechellial was working a few years older than me with a smoking hot body long wavy brown hair with green eyes. She sees me walk in and before I had even sat down she had sat a bud light down for me. It went down fast and smooth and she brought me another one. It was only 0730 so there were very few people at the bar. I drank 3 more and paid then gave mechellial a 10 dollar tip and told her I would see her soon.
When I got home it was 1030 and my wife and daughter were still asleep. I changed and sat down in bed when my wife said you need to change and feed Sara I need to sleep longer. I changed and feed Sara and laid back in the recliner. Sara didn’t want to sleep so I put her in her play pin and sat back down.
My unit was heading into a building knowing that we were going to run into a small force it was 0213 as we approached the main stair case preparing to ascend the stairs the power goes out. We turn on our night vision and continue. I was the first one to hit the top I wait for my unit to cover me and I kicked in the door placing my foot just below the knob and in about an inch. The door shattered and shot rang out I rolled to my right for cover. My unit fired back when the shooting stopped I looked in and didn’t see anyone and went in a hand grabbed my arm. I grabbed the persons arm on mine and twisted breaking it away from mine I hear female screams.
My eyes shoot open and the screams I heard are coming from my wife. I let got and tears are starting to roll down my wife’s face as she screaming at me to leave just leave. My heart aches she has no idea what’s going on. I try to tell her she startled me and I was sorry. She told me “you’re crazy Sara and I aren’t safe being around you you’re going to end up killing us”
I grab a few things and walk out the door. I hurt more than even knowing my wife is afraid of me. Afraid im going to hurt her and Sara. She wants me out of her life so I can’t cause any harm. My eyes start to water as I pull out of the drive. I don’t know where im going to go or where im going to end up.

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Tag der Veröffentlichung: 01.10.2011

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