Sleeping, its so lonely at night, I have nothing.
I'm so cold.
I'm so lost.
All I want is some-one to care and I'm stuck in this fantasy.
This lie, the lie no-one can ever comprehend.
The truth is hidden there.
In the pillow of solem, under the duvet of tranquility.
The truth.
My truth, believe and reason.
So when I bite myself awake and fear for the morning I know now, I am a fool.
I could'v stopped.
But I didn't.
Sorry, I'm depressing you.
Sorry.
Where was I...?
Ah, at the beginning.
The beginning, where life was miserable and adolescent.
Yes, the life of a normal 16 year old, who now wishes she could start over.
I wish, ha.
Oh how I wish to start over and change the life I should'v have lived.
But you must know my past, my life and my secrets.
You are my readers.
You must live through each and every detail that perstow upon my future, or past.
So I'll start.

It's June.
It's summer, I'm happy to be bored.
I am a happy person.
My name was Aaina Idony Smith.
Aaina means, "Mirror".
Idony means, "To love again".
It's as if my mother knew.
As if she knew the pain I would face in the future.
I lived with my grandparents, Roselie and Grant.
They were 45, they raised me from birth, my father ran when he found out when my mother was pregnant and my mother became overly depressed from birth and could not cope with the pressure and my grandmother has taken care of me since.
They care an awful lot about me, as I do for them.
I lived in Liverpool back then, it was a really great place until everything started.
It was June 10th, Monday, start of the school week.
I was in year 11, which is 5th year in secondary school, I was popular, I had loads of friends, I had my own little possey.
Cassie, Laura and Kirsty.
We always had fun.
The conversations we had were random.
"Hey Aye, you okay?" Cassie asked that morning.
"Hey Cass, yep you?" I smiled.
"Seen Laura?"
"Nope."
I stopped and froze as a boy I liked walked past.
His name was Seth, he was a typical blond-hair-blue-eyes boy that all the girls back then liked and I was the typical girl who gorped at them, about them, all over them sometimes.
Back then I had nice, blond/brown wavy hair, not like now, tattered, dead brown hair.
I flickered my eyelashes at him and half-smiled as I would do every morning or any time I saw him.
Me and Cassie heard running from behind us.
"Excuse Me!" said a voice which then crashed into my back throwing me to the ground.
I screamed as my body smacked against the pavement, a heavy man-like body on top of me, I sat up to turn to the person who assaulted me.
It was Greg.
The geeky kid from next door.
He sat up blushing and looking down at the floor.
"Oh, Aaina, I'm so sorry, I lost my balance, sorry!" he rushed, people said he had a crush on me back then, but I was too ignorant and naaive to listen.
"Oh hey Greg, watch where your going", I helped pick up the things he dropped as he attacked me, "you okay? you're not hurt are you?"
He blushed even more as he looked at me passed his long brown fringe and took his things from my hands.
"Er, yeah, I'm sound, thanks Aaina" he stuttered on his words.
"Its okay" I gave him a smile a tiny wave and turned back to Cassie.
Leaving Greg standing behind me, not realising his mouth was open to speak.
When I noticed he was still there I turned to ask was something wrong he shrugged, rolled his eyes and slummed away.
I remember thinking nothing of it but feeling guilty, so I carried on my normal day life.

I can't remember the lessons although I remember being late for maths.
"Aaina, late again, explain?" said the ugly, smelly and definately a Santa look-a-like, it was named Mr. McAvoy.
I say it because of the hatred I felt towards this specific teacher.
"Er, I'm late?" was my initial response; he didn't know that I was behind the bike shed with Laura and Kirsty smoking as usual, I didn't want this teacher to know I inhale tar and tobacco.
"Alright then, 10 minutes detention, sit next to Greg."
I gave him an evil look, meaning I wanted to kill him, and rolled my eyes to the sit I really didn't want to sit in since there was a spare seat next to Seth.
Kids eh?
Anyway, I sat where I was forced.
The thing at the front of the class started the boring topic and I pretended to listen, same old same old.
About 15 minutes I noticed Greg kept glancing at me, well staring, so out of boredom I started writing down how many tiems he would stare in 5 minutes, over 10 I would speak to him, 5 minutes went by, result was 25 times.
I tried to think of something to say to him, i didn't know the kid, so the first thing that came to my head was.
"What's your second name?" I must've sounded clever.
He blushed again, blinked a couple times, then looked at me.
"Lewis, why?" he was badly blushing.
"Because I've never known your second name, I've been wanting to know for like 2 weeks" at this point he was beetroot.
"Oh, right, well, yeah, my second names Lewis."
"Middle name by anychance?"
"No offence, but why do you care?"
I was shocked by his response.
"What?" I giggled slightly.
"Are you trying to embarass me in some way?"
"No!"
"I like you Aaina, I know you know that, just please don't try to make me look more stupid than I already am here, I can't deal with more humiliation, plus I really don't want there to be a reason for me not to like you."
He stopped blushing and was staring right into my face, now I was blushing.
"No, no, I know, er, I just wanna get to know you better" my words weren't very convincing.
"No you don't, you're popular, why would you wanna know the kid who lives next door to you, who listens to heavy metal and plays games, the opposite to your lifestyle, why would you want to know me?" he was reading me like a book.
This made me more red, I didn't want to know him, he is the opposite to my lifestyle, but after those words spilling out of my mind, into his mouth and slapping me in the face I wanted to know him.
I wanted to know everything about him, it was strange, I felt uncomfortable with this feeling, this was the kid that threw me to the floor earlier this morning, who blushed everytime he walked near me, now I was blushing, and all my response was to this was--
"--Nothing, typical, I'm sorry I'm not Seth, sorry I'm not the type that bullies kids like me for fun."
The more he spoke the more it made me want to be this guys friend, and I didn't have a reason why, I felt this random need to be close to him.
"Greg, I'm sorry, it's just, I want to get to know you."
"No you don't," I interrupted him.
"Not at first, because I was bored I wanted someone to talk to, now, I don't know why but I want to know you."
His eyes widened, his cheeks went red and he started shaking.
"Seriously?"
I blushed even more, I was almost sweating.
"Yes and I don't know why."
He looked down at his excercise book and wouldn't look up.
"Greg?"
He glanced up at me then looked back down.
I thought it best to leave him, but I didn't want to.
When the bell went he rushed out the classroom, leaving me sitting there scared with myself.
Cassie and Kirsty walked up to me tapping me on the shoulder urging me to leave.
I couldn't speak.
Kirsty waved her hand in frount of my face.
"Oi! Mong, earth to the mong!"
I blinked, "huh?"
"Are you okay Aaina?" Cassie raised her eyebrows as if worried.
"Yeah, yes, sure, yeah" I choked on my words.
Kirsty looked at Cassie with a "she's crazy" expression.
I was scared in myself.
I left the class with them, replaying what had just occured in my head, thinking of what was said and how I could'v made more of an effort to not look like an idiot.
I bit my lip as we sat out in the sun, Kirsty and Cassie having their usual boring conversation on how girls should dress and what their going to decide to do at the weekend. I played with my finger nails and fiddled with my skirt as I thought about how I look to people.
I glanced up, and just in time, Seth walked towards me, hands in his pockets with a half smile, slightly smug and awkwardly stood above me.
"Hey Aaina?" he blinked to the floor and rubbed his neck.
He was beautiful, but I could notice imperfections, which made him more beautiful.
I glanced up, "Hey Seth, what's up?"
"Are you okay?"
I stood up shaking my skirt down, ruffling my hair and smiled at him.
"Take that as a yes", he half smile grew bigger.
"I guess so" I copied his half smile, "are you?"
I had a feeling nothing would come out of this conversation.
"Yeah, erm, Aaina, fancy doing something tonight?"
I was shocked, wide eyed I replied, "depends what."
His smile faded, "well, I was going to offer to take you the pictures to see the new Twilight film, if your interested?"
I half smiled, "I'm not really into Twilight really, but if you think of a good film let me know and I'll be happy to go with you, text me okay?"
He nodded sheepishly and blushing.
I slummed away to stand next to Kirsty and Cassie as the bell rang, break was over.

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Tag der Veröffentlichung: 01.07.2010

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