He keeps popping in and out of mind like a bad song. Why can’t I just block the image of his worried blue eyes away from my head or completely forget about them. I’ve tried so hard to not think about him, now that I know that it’s not working should I try this hard. How many hours of sleep did I lose during this last two weeks thinking of what I would say when I see him again. Thank you for saving my life. And oh by the way you have the most amazing eyes I have ever seen! I figured that I won’t see him again anyway that should be my reason to forget. But when I close my eyes, its his face the keeps me thinking about him. I have to know him.


***
I woke up this morning feeling different, the air felt thick as it entered my lungs making me taking in twice was much just to breath. It’s like I know something bad was lingering around the corner, ready to strike the moment I turn my back. I’ve had this feeling before many years ago. It was when I got lost in woods behind my house. I was to young to think anything about those feeling.
That day I walked around in circles for I don’t know how long, trying to find my way back home. I couldn’t even remember in the first place why I went out so far away, but I did. The sun was setting and the winter air stung my bare hands to a point where I couldn’t move them without wanting to scream in pain. I still remember that day after all this years. Every time my hands stings from the frozen air that days flashes back reminding me of what could have been.
I don’t remember finding my way back but somehow I did. I don’t remember seeing the thinning of trees before you enter the clearing which my house rested at the opening. I don‘t remember passing the pond that my father built with my granddad before I was born, I didn’t remember seeing anything. My parents found me lying outside in front of the door. They had already called everyone they knew asking if they have found me, called the cops and gathered a search party. Many searched the woods but no one found me there. I have never seen my father cry in my whole life until that day, I wanted to cry too but for the wrong reason it was my fault for all this, for those tears in my fathers eyes. I wasn’t scared of what had happened, some how I felt safe.
My doctor said that was a side effect of hypothermia, but I think I would have remembered finally coming home it was all I wanted, all I was looking for. To this day I have nightmares now and again about that bitter winter day. The fear of the unknown that what felt different about today. I woke up with a tingling sensation crawling in the pit of my stomach. Something was going to happen today, something nightmare worthy.
“Its just a dream” I keep repeating to myself like a broken record but the more I say it the more it sounded like a lie. I closed my eyes trying to breath evenly my heart slowly calmed.
“Natalie, you should eat something.” I look at my moms bowl of fiber oaths and some more fiber and couldn’t even picturing myself eat it on a day when my stomach could take it. I guess my face told my thought, on any other day she would have offered her cereal but she didn‘t. I grabbed a glass and shook the container of orange juice for five seconds, its my liquid sun shine. I count every second no more no less it’s what my granddad thought me many years ago, he said it was the perfect amount of shakes to get the orange juice taste just right. He was the only who shared my passion for orange juice and I looked up to him. I know it seems silly to count how many time I shake my orange juice but it the idea of it that make me do it every time, the idea of waiting and taking your time to get something perfect. It reminds me what a good man my granddad was and how much he was missed.
“Is something wrong honey?” my moms head tilts her head an inch to the side pushing her lips together in fine line. I sigh and shock my head
“I’m fine.” I sipped my orange juice slowly, licking my lips from its sweetness. It coats my mouth with acid. “Where’s Conner?” I looked at the clock it five minutes until we have to go. Great he hasn’t even gotten up yet just what I need. If he makes me late for first period one more time I will start charging him money. Forget the good sister pelage.
“Oh your father wanted to drive him.” there was a look of saddens in her eyes so I didn’t ask. What has he done this time.
“Do I need to pick him up after school?” I asked testing she shook her head, my father was driving him somewhere but not to school.
“No, you can do whatever you want today. Your father and I have a dinner to go too and we won’t be home until ten ish. Conner won’t be here either so your home alone tonight. I’ll leave money for piazza.” something is going on with Conner but I know she won’t tell me. I had to leave before I could ask and maybe I wasn’t ready to hear what she had to say.
I zipped my coat higher as I exit the door. The sky had strip of white but the rest is purple, clouds that looked like it swallowed the sky. I can feel the wind scratch my face and neck, making shivers run to the ends of my joints making my body shake.
As I entered my car I turned the heater on full blast. Then the heat was beginning to become overwhelming, if felt nice being to warm rather than shivering in to pieces for once. I looked at the naked trees with their leaves falling, they are so beautiful a sign of change. I didn’t know I had slowed to 25 miles per hour until I hear a horn bring from behind.
I almost laughed at myself and how much I overreacted this morning, it was almost the end of the school day and nothing has happened. Still I couldn’t seem to unwind from my protective thought. I haven’t told Rachel or Jason about the weird feeling I woke up to today. Knowing them they would probably laugh at my idea. Sometime with my friend saying less is always better.
“Natalie you’ve been staring at Mike Walker for like about the whole class.” Rachel nudged me with her pencil which mad me jump a little. I wasn’t looking at him or at least I wasn’t trying to. I was blanking out from thinking so hard about my nightmare. I hope he didn’t noticed.
I have had a crush on Mike ever since fifth grade. I mean who could resist those big brown eyes. He helped me limp into the office after I fell off the swings in mid air and scraped both my knees and my chin on the hard cement ground. Thinking about it now makes me realize what kind of sick school has cement on the play ground? It’s like they have no idea kids plus playground equipment equals disaster. He was the only boy in the whole play ground who wasn’t laughing at me when I started crying endless tears and that’s when I fell in love.
But this year is when I finally stopped wondering if he would ever feel the same way about me. I mean a girl can only take so much heart ach before giving up. Ever since fifth grade he has had eight beautiful girlfriends none of them was me, of course no matter how much I wished I was. I was the opposite of what he looks for. My Chocolate brown hair too dark and long I wasn’t tall with legs that when on for miles like the models on every fashion magazine. I wasn‘t stick thin either like all the girls I see him with, the kind of girls I can picture him putting his arm around. I wasn’t anything like them and I hurts always feeling that your never enough no matter how hard you tried. My mom always joked that I had more curves than a back country road. Which is funny because every summer when we visited my grandparents in Nevada we road on road that rested on hills reminding me that I was growing every time summer came. Mike likes girls a lot like Barbie, blond and perfect. With was much personality as the plastic they make the doll from. I could never compete with them the only thing I have is my emerald eyes and I guess that wasn’t enough.
“Is there something your not telling me?” she leaned in closer to my desk her blond hair draping over her brown eye she was a picture of the kind of girl Mike would be interested in. She arched her perfectly plucked eyebrows at me “You aren’t crush on Mike again are you?” she said in her ’quiet voice’ which was to loud to even be considered a whisper.
“Gee Rach why don’t you say that louder, I think people from china couldn’t hear you.” Of all the places to look of course it would be at Mike. I guess loving a guy for almost five years can do that. I knew this summer I had to quite Mike Walker cold turkey. He was like a drug you don’t see how bad it’s effecting you because all you feel is the high that it gives. He was the reason I haven’t had a boyfriend or a real first kiss. I was thinking that I was saving up for him I felt my wait would be rewarded. I never went to a dance because I wanted my first to be when he asked me. But look where that’s gotten me now sixteen and clueless.
“Sorry… so do you?” Rachel face had fallen. She was the one who help me realized I had wasted my time with Mike and helped me get over him. If I said yes all those self-esteem talks was all for nothing.
“Of course not!” I put my pinky up to show her I was not kidding around. I grabbed hers’ and wrapped it around mine, it been a long time since anything was worth a pinky promise but I know she will believe, we never break pinky promise. I know it seem childish but this is how we know we will always understand each other that we will always be there for one another, another pinky promise that has never been broken. She smiled showing her front teeth and I knew she believed me. I didn’t like Mike that way anymore I knew I was never going to happen why wallow in make believe world? I don’t hate him either for not noticing me the way I wanted him to he was always been sweet but it was always in a friendly way.
“Good because you are going to prom, and I don’t care if you can’t find mister perfect to take because I will haul your-” her voice had gotten louder with every word and everybody was looking at us now.
“Miss Steen would you mind lowering you voice. Everyone is trying to read.” Mr. Kyle said in his booming voice.
“Sorry.” Rachel looked down at her book pretending to read now. I could help but laugh inside. I looked up and Mike was smiling to, I wonder if he had heard anything we were talking about. I had to look away quickly the thought of him knowing how I use to feel about him was making my cheeks burn. I could feel them betraying me I shouldn’t care, I didn’t feel that way anymore.
“Hey you guys, wait up.” Jason called from behind. “What’s going on today? Are we riding in the same car?” Jason is one of the most annoying boys I have ever known but he can also be the sweetest, wants he wants to be.
“Actually I have an essay to write.” I said as I stuffed my History book and my binder into my already crammed locker. When I turned around to look at them they were both giving me the ‘your out of you mind’ look.
“ That essay isn’t even due until next week.” Jason pulled on my ponytail teasingly. So I punched him on the arm, he knew how much I hated it when he did that. I had a faze in six grade I wore my hair in a pony tail a little off to the side for the whole year. I thought it was easy and cool, but I guess it got old and I “looked like a nerd” Jason told me later after he became my friend, and he has never let me forget about it either. He rubbed arm and groaned as if my punched could actually brake his bones.
“ Well I want to finish it with time to spare.” I didn’t feel like going to a party today I felt drained, I just wanted to relax at home.
“Have you been taking boxing or something cause that actually felt less like my grandmas punches and more like a seventeen year old girl. I so proud of you! What are you now like a yellow belt?” he laughed
“Stupid, karate is the one with belts not boxing. Next time you want to insult me try getting better punch lines.” I punched him again only this time I try a little harder actually twisting my torso for more force. My knuckles ached but the look on his face was worth it.
“That was for comparing me to a grandma.” I could help but smile, Jason has that effect. You might want to hate him but he always brings a smile to your face. Like a cute puppy that just took a dump on you foot, how can you stay mad?
“Hey now! I compared you to my grandma. And she’s amazing so it’s really not an insult, you should be glowing with pride.” he flashes me his fake smile showing off his big teeth.
“Put those away before it hurts someone!” I pretend to cover my eyes like I could bare the thought of it. There was silence as I uncovered my eyes hoping I didn’t hurt his feelings, which is different he wouldn’t have cared he would have laugh about them. I waited for his laughter to fill the awkward silences or anything noise to come out of him. There was Mike walking towards us. “Hey are you guys coming to my party tonight?” I couldn’t look at him as he talked.
“Yeah man, wouldn’t miss it,” Jason voice sounded tiered and sad what did that mean.
“How about you two girls, are you coming too?” he looked at Rachel a little longer than needed, but I don’t care. Or at least that’s what I’m trying to tell myself. He looked at me as if I would answer his question but I could find my voice.
“ Defiantly” Rachel saved the day
“ Awesome! See you guys there” then he jogged to the exit, as if the fire alarm had been pulled. Why did he have to run? Could he not stand by me any longer than three minutes?
“I thought you said you were over Mike?” Jason looked at me with uncertain eyes.” I wanted to scream I don‘t but he didn‘t let me start.
“ I don’t see what’s so amazing about him anyway.” This had taken a strange turn I wasn’t expecting to hear this come out of his mouth. I hate how much they don’t believe me. I am over Mike why can’t they see that too.
“I got to go.” I slammed my locker louder than necessary. I was so tired of talking about Mike and he wasn‘t even mine to talk about. But Jason grabbed both my arms holding me in front of him face to face. He made me look in to his eyes before he started talking.
“Natalie you deserver so much better than a guy who can‘t see how wonderful you are.” there was a wrinkle of sadness in his face like he knows how it feel to chase something that you can never have. The feeling I get when I think of Mike. It went away when he shook his head“ I’m your friend I know what’s good for you. You are going to that party.” he loosened his hold on me dropping his hands to the side.
“Pretty please.” he gave me a pout. “You know I won’t stop until you say yes.” he smiled knowing I would bend. I huffed and rolled my eyes, as dramatically as I possibly can and put both hands on my hips.
“Fine pick me up at six.” I said with little enthusiasm in my voice “Me too.” Rachel said I almost forgot she was there she had be quiet which was out of character for her.
“Can I get ready at your place?” I don’t know why she even had to ask, she knew my answer before she asked it.
“Yeah sure.”
“Alright. Pick you ladies up at six.” Jason smiled as he walked way. Rachel and I walked to my car in silence. It was so quite that it was uncomfortable, there was usually never a quite moment between Rachel and I but today was different. Which only scared me, Rachel says anything that comes to her mind without thinking. I know she is thinking about something but I don’t know what. I’m not sure if going to the party tonight is such a grate idea, I’m in no mood for pretending to have fun. I have to go I promised Jason and Rachel is so exited even though she isn’t showing it. She has talked about this party since last week. All I have to do is fake a smile now and again or to giggle at lame jokes. I can do that for one night. Not for me but for my friends.
As I drove the road curved in very which way, their future hidden behind walls of leafless trees. It was hard to know what the next few miles held behind the walls that seemed to be growing making it harder to see what lays ahead. I gazed at the car passing at a speed I knew deserved a ticket. I couldn’t help but notice that the two yellow lines that marked the black road, was the only thing separating me and that car from colliding. Its strange to thing that two lines could determine life and death, I haven’t ever thought that something so normal so plain could be this important.
I shook the thought from my mind grabbing the staring wheel hard, forcing myself from thing about something different. The car was so quiet that I forgot I wasn’t alone, her knee was bouncing up and down so fast the car shook slightly. I had to gaze at her direction to remember she was there. She had her eyes fixed on the window where the waves from the ocean crashed on to the shore. The water looked angry as the wind picked up and was now fighting against the water. She let out a light sigh pressing her hand under her chest.
“Are you cold?” I turned the knob on the heater higher. Looking her way for a fraction of a second
Mike’s house rested on a rocky hill without many trees to block its view of the drop below. It was scary to think about the height and how the house looked unsafe on the peck of it.
“We’re here!” Jason turned around to look at me. “Ready to party.” he moved his hand as if he were dancing.
“We better leave before we die from embarrassment.” I told Rachel and she smiled and grabbed my hand.
“Lets” her smile go wider pulling me out of the car.
“ Wait up who’s going to hold my hands? I wanted to be part of the group.” he made his sad face which made me and Rachel burst into laughter. We ran towards the door but Jason grab my hand, his were clammy and rough. I looked at his face he had the biggest smile.
“You didn’t think you could out run me, did you?” his smile grew wider as he laughed. I laughed along with him. Jason had scholarships lined up for him from many collages for running. He was the fastest runner I have ever seen.
“Alright I admit I had no chance, but it was fun trying .” I let go of his hand his smile fell a little.
I can’t believe that guy spilled his beer on me. Now my sweater was wet and cold and I smell like and alcoholic. I knew I should have stayed home. I raced over to the open bathroom. The lighting in this room made me feel like I was in the wrong place it was to bright. On mirror shows a girl that looks scared and was about to cry. I locked the door afraid of someone seeing me this way. I tried to clean my shirt with the hand towel, but the wet spot got bigger and I gave up letting the stain win the smell win and me lose. I open the door to a guy with his pants unbutton which makes me jump back.
“gees move! I gotta piss!” he walk in the bathroom before I even had the chance too leave and starts peeing.
“You like what you see?” he ask and a slur of words, he was drunk and peeing very where but the toilet. Not that I was looking but it’s hard not to hear. I finally remembered I was in a bathroom with a drunk guy peeing, I left not fast enough. Worst party ever. As I exit the bathroom, Nina and a group of her friends giving me a dirty looks and whispering things back to each other. I can only imagine what they are talking about after seeing me in the bathroom with a guy. Not just any guy Austin Cranes the horn-dog of the school, I mean they have no room to talk they are wearing skirts so short and tight I know Susan b Anthony is rolling in her grave. Again worst party ever. I had to get away from their evil glares I feel them burning a hole on my face. Where was Rachel and Jason anyway their the only that dragged me here, and the abandon me what great friends I have.
The music was getting louder and people more hostel if that was possible.
I looked over the edge the sun was setting I could feel the air change, with me in the middle. The sky was pinkish orange so beautiful I wanted to touch it with my fingers, I wanted to stay in this moment I never wanted the sky to turn black. I wish I could forget this day had happened. I lead over the railing catching that last rays of light from the sun. I felt nice on my cold cheeks, as I breath a puff of cloud escape my lips like a ghost. I smile feeling young again, from being amaze at the most simple of things I miss this feeling. I looked around there was nobody insight.
I could feel the coldness where my sweater was still damp where the winter air dried it frozen, numbing my chest and stomach. I leaned closer to the sun begging for its heat to warm my frozen body. I leaned a little to far to a point where I can’t feel the floor beneath my feet the ground was all I see but I was looking up. Time froze, I could fell my heart thrash around my chest like a wild animal. Nothing in my mid but the drop bellow, I tried to grip the railing but my hand came up empty. The air was knocked out from my lungs, I’m falling and I couldn’t breath hear or see. I closed my eyes shut as if not seeing the image that was about to happen would make it any less real. When I die I don’t want to see my blood slowly empty me, I don’t want to hear the thud of my body as it hit’s the rocks. I don’t want to smell, sap from the trees I hit. I want to remember the sun it warmth its light. I want to remember the taste of orange juice and the winter air. But before I could feel the jagged rocks rip my skin apart, my body jerk up wards. I felt hands around my waist holding me tight. I felt pulling, up or down I don’t know I couldn’t force my eyes to open yet. But time wasn’t frozen any more, it was speeding forward. All of a sudden I felt something even better than air, something solid under me. I was laying on the ground with my legs cradled agents my chest. Did I die? But if I did why doesn’t my body feel like it just fell of a cliff. Is it God gift to everyone that if you die a painful death you would be able to fell those last pain? I was breathing wildly gasping for any taste of air I was hungry for it. A few minutes passed and as my breathing became more controlled I finally open my eyes. Would it be heaven I see?
I rolled over to my left side, meeting a face as I looked up. I tried to sit up but my head started to spin my body pulling me down to the ground but before it did hands stopped me.
Great he probably thinks I’m drunk I smell like I am.
I have never seen eyes that could swallow you whole. Eyes so deep you couldn’t help but stare into them wondering if you had ever seen its shade in a dream. His eyes are the color of melting ice with specks of blue and gray. They reminded of winter and snow. I have never seen him before and yet I was in his arms which I couldn’t deny, they were burning hot though my jacket and shirt the heat rested on top my skin. I could feel my cheeks redden the back of my neck sweating with heat. I didn’t notice until now that my arms were shaking, they vibrated harder as I looked at them. I wasn’t even cold but I couldn’t force them to stop. I looked back at his eyes his eyebrows creased with worry his full lips parted.
“Are you alright?” his voice was soft and sweet coated with concern it didn’t match the rouged lines of his jaw. I expected him to sound loud and rough but his voice is like an angles. I forget that he asked me a question until the corner of his lips twisted up in to a shy smile which temporally makes my hearts rhythm jump a notch. Why was he smiling, did I make a funny face? Oh no I made a funny face.
“I’m fine.” I say a little to fast and loud I could feel my cheeks get redder. He probably thought I was an idiot almost falling to my death, talking like I could barely speak. I just kept looking at his eyes, I wanted to touch them to make sure they were real to make sure I wasn’t dreaming him. Then there was a roar of voices toward the house some screaming some laughing, I turned toward the door and back to the mystery man that has saved me he jumped up to his feet. A lump rise in the back of my throat, was he leaving me. He looked at the sliding door and back.
“ Do you need any help? Should I call your parents?” I shook my head then he offered his hand and I took it.
“No. I’m… I’m fine now.” I said as I pulled myself up with his help.

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Tag der Veröffentlichung: 01.07.2011

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