The water glistened as the warm golden rays from the sun brighten the reflection of a girl. The shadow cast on the still water was troubled. All the burdens of her life showed there in the hunch of her back, in deep lines of her frown. But yet she did not cry, she saved all her tears in the deep well that was found in her locked heart. With the key so far hidden that you might even say that it never existed. I stared at the girl that was in front of me. Hoping to find something in her eye that was once so easy to see. But couldn’t bare to see what wasn’t there. I touch the girls cheek for I didn’t want her to cry, the water rippled with even the slightest touch and the image of the girl vanished.

I laid on the still dampened grass letting the sun beam its warmth to my body. There at that moment I almost felt content drifting in and out like the tide, too a world where I didn’t have to hide in this secret garden alone, to be the girl I wanted to be. I closed my eyes so tight it made soft wrinkles on my nose. Trying so hard the remember that last summer when my mother was still alive, that was the happiest summer of my life. I missed my mother, I would have done anything to keep her in my memory forever but that was so long ago. She was becoming more of a dream now than anything, like fog on the morning sky disappearing the moment sun poked out of the clouds.

Then the sounds of wresting footsteps, behind a wall of trees made me come out of my dream world. I sat up quickly to where the noise had come from. Froze in shock I didn’t know if I could hide fast enough, but didn’t want it to find me here. But maybe that’s was what I was asking for the moment I felt so alone in the middle of my no where. What ever made those noise was gone now, giving with it’s absence my heartbeat, returning to the gentle thud of peace.

I ran as the wind, so quietly that you could only hear the faint rustling of the leaves as my feet quickly brushed passed. I ran when I wanted to escape the emptiness that was lingered deep down beneath the surface of the mask I was force to wear. Running to me was as easy as breathing it was all I knew to escape the darkness I felt creeping beneath my sink. It was screaming for my legs to push harder to move faster, and that made my arms move like pendulums swinging for their lives. It burned my lungs with pleasure to feel the wind caress my face from the speed at which my body moved but the burning feeling doesn’t last as long as I wanted it to. I felt another empty feeling, now that the burning was gone. All I could now feel was the coldness that it welcomed from its absents.

I spotted the white bridge after running at full speed for a few minutes. The bridge was the only thing in the woods that look out of place, almost unreal to my eyes but beautifully unforgettable. It looked so old but the paint never wore off like all old things does to show its age but this bridge was unchanging. My legs slowed to a walk, I could hear the gentle water as it licked the land around it. I turned to the woods were I wanted to stay forever, the woods that I wanted to get lost in. Knowing that I was running away from the thing I wanted most. As I crossed the bridge I heard an inhumanly sound, a scream from an animal but I wasn’t sure what kind and I didn’t stick around to find out for myself.

It only took a few more minutes, running to reach the house big lonely house. All the light were on which was not a good sign. She had notice I was gone and was looking for me now. I turned toward the woods now luring me back, while the voice inside told me that she didn’t need to find me. That I could leave and stay in the woods like I wanted. But the sky was darkening the sun leaving me like everything else and force me to think of all the reasons I couldn’t run back to the woods. The wood that felt more like home to me that the house that use to hold very thing that has meant so much to me. Now the house could only carried my room. I was in front of the door now holding the icy cold doorknob between my palm and fingers taking big breaths in and out calming myself before I entered in the house. As soon as the door opened the warmth of the house flooded my cheeks and warmed my fingers reminding me that the sun was going down and how long I have been gone. Aunt Jen was looking at me with worried eyes as the door opened wide letting the cool air blow in.
“ Never mind she just came in the door.” her voice was weak with a hint of anger. “ Thank you Tarry. You too.” she closed her eyes before laying the phone back on the receiver, then took a heavy breath before turning her attention to me. I could see it in her eyes that she had been looking for me for a long time and a wave of guilt washed over me. I have been so selfish, not thinking of what my leaving would do to her, and now I had to lie because if she knew exactly where I was, I knew she would never allow me to go back. I couldn’t bare even thing of what that would be like. It made me almost angry to think it was an option.
“ Exactly where have you been! I have been looking for since four-o-clock.” my eyes grazed the clock on the shove behind her seven-o-three. I didn’t know it was that late. My garden had a way of making time pass by and I guess that’s what I wanted it to do.
“ Sorry aunt Jen I completely lost track of the time.” what I said was true and it was my voice. She believed me for her eyes was soft and her body too.
“ Oh Addie, I thought you had left me forever.” the corners of her mouth fell into a frown making the wrinkles on her forehead deeper with worry. I hated how I was the one that made her look like that, and I knew that no amount of sorrys would make it go way.
“I went for a run” I said almost to myself barley a whisper she looked at me but said nothing. This was the end of our talk. Empty. I turned, finally feeling how tired I was. My legs felt heavy, my tongue loss, it wanted to tell her where and why I was gone, but my lips were locked and heavy keeping my tongue quite. Before I took a step she stared to talk again.
“ Your brother called” silence. This couldn’t be true. She’s telling you this to make you stay. She knows that you have been trying to say good-bye. The voice in my head was yelling at me. He would have never called, he doesn’t care about you! If he did he would have never left you here alone, wondering if you would ever see him again. If she was lying, it was cruel. She knew how much I missed him. I knew how much I wanted him to take me out of this place maybe she did too. It took me a few even breath to clear my throat and start speaking.
“when did” it was hard to say his name because with it brought memories, memories I have been trying so hard not to remember. They just remind me of how ever thing now was gone. “ he call?” my voice was powerless and I hated it.
“ Around six twenty.” my guess from the way she was looking at me, my face be traded me I wanted to look like I could careless but I couldn’t and didn’t. “He wanted to talk to you but you weren’t here. He said to call him back when you were.” she held up a piece of yellow scrap paper with the number scribbled on it messy with haste. It was such a small piece of paper but it felt like the most important paper to me. I wanted to run to her and take that yellow paper, run to the phone dial that one number and hear my brothers voice. I was afraid that I wouldn’t hear what I wanted him to say. That he was coming to get me. I didn’t want to deal with the disappointment that would fallow. Hadn’t I suffered enough? Why did he choose now of all times to finally acknowledge that he had a sister that longed to see him again.
“ Are you hunger? There’s pizza in the oven.” she point out. “I’m not hungry, but thanks.” I turned away from her now I wanted to get way, away in to my garden it the woods.
“ honey… do you want to talk about it?” I didn’t turn to look at her because I knew I would have stared crying right there. “ Not tonight” I said as emotionless as I could but my voice broke in the middle and I felt a my chest harden making it harder to breath as I hastened up the stairs. I could feel the my warm tears fall one by one escaping my eyes, and as I rubbed them away more came making it hard to see what was around me. I sat on the cold hard floor, trying to hold the pieces of me together while I cried endless tiers.

Call him back.
I can’t.
why not?
because…because.
Because, because what? My voice was angry Maybe it will stop all this all this crying.
what if it doesn’t what if it makes I worse?
Then at least you tried and got it over with so you can forget about it and go on with the life you’re trying to live.
I don’t like your idea.
you don’t have too just do it.
I can’t maybe tomorrow.
You were going to run away, why should this change anything?
I don’t know.
But the voice was gone now. I looked at my arms they were striped with dry mud. I got up and moved towards the bathroom, as I came to view of the mirror. My face was wild, my blue eyes wide and animal like. My dark brown hair turned my attention back to my eye and how they didn’t belong to my face. They were almost teal and everyone envied them of they were exotic and different, but they were just like my mothers eyes.
I took a long hot shower scrubbing my arms harder then needed I wanted to replace the pain I felt inside. Even though I was clean I couldn’t get out of the hot shower I let the water loosen the knot that had formed on my neck. I finally turned off the water I knew I could avoid it any longer. I wrapped myself tight with the towel and dried my hair. I brushed my teeth thoughtlessly. I just kept looking at my mothers eyes that where placed on my face, and that yellow paper with my brothers number. It was getting harder to breath in this bathroom I liked to think it was because of the hot steam but I knew there was more to it that.
I woke up before my alarm went off, the sun was out again and bright like yesterday. I woke up from a dream. It has been such a long time since I could remember any of my dreams but today my dream scared me awake. I was running to some thing but when I got there, there was nothing but my garden and eyes that watched my every move. The eyes were hungry. I looked out my window, into the bright day I had woken up to, everything looked peaceful the birds were cooing from every tree like last night never happened at all. I got dressed slowly, carefully pick something to wear, I wanted to match the bright sun maybe it would help me feel less cloudy. I finally put on a yellow blouse on, one I had never warn, it clung on to me emphasizing ever curve. Then covered it up with my black jacket, I looked different from yesterday, I feel different form yesterday but I couldn’t point a finger at the change. I took my time eating my toast with peanut butter, actually tasting it this morning. Half way through the mindless chewing, I spotted the yellow paper it had been stuck on the refrigerator with a small magnet right through the middle of it. I had to look away.
This day has been moving so slowly I’m waiting for it to freeze. I couldn’t concentrate on anything anyone around me ways saying I couldn’t wait for school to be over so I could return to my garden.
“Hello! Addie? Did you hear anything that I have been telling you? Hello?” Kate sounded annoyed and I could blame her I was out of it today, like most days.
“Sorry Kate… I have a lot on my mind lately. It’s just overwhelming.” I added. Kate and I are completely opposite but we but we have been friend sense I move here she was the talker and I was the listener but not to day.
“why aren’t you eating? Don’t tell me you going an anorexic on me.” Kate said while she raised one of her eyebrows at me.
“I’m not anorexic! I’m just not hungry” I said rolling my eyes dramatically at her and she smiled.
“ I like that blouse on you it’s really cute!” that was Kate’s way of saying lets talk about something else.
“Thanks” I said with a little more enthusiasm that the word needed but it felt right. I waited for her to continue whatever she was saying before she noticing I wasn’t paying attention, but she didn’t. I could feel her wait for me to say something, I didn’t know what she wanted from me so didn’t start.
“Really Addie?”
“Really Addie… what?”
“ Do I have to spell it out for you? What’s going on?”
“ I don’t know what your talking about.”
“’I have a lot on my mind lately’” her attempt to mimic my voice was pathetic and I would have said that, but she didn’t let me cut through her speech. “that’s what I’m talking about. I’m your friend and I want to help you but if you’re not even going to try then what’s the point?” Her voice should have sound nagging but it sound more disappointed than anything else, that I couldn’t tell her what was bugging me this badly. I didn’t want her to leave, I didn’t want to be alone.
“My brother called yesterday… but I wasn’t there. He gave my aunt his number so I could call him back-”
“ you mean Chase your brother that you haven’t seen in… God knows how long? What did you guys talk about?” Her words were rushed, her voice higher than her normal pitch.
“We didn’t. I never called back.”
“Why in the heck wouldn’t you call him back? I thought you missed him?”
“Kate I do…” my throat became dry I haven’t told anyone how much I missed him, but even acknowledging it out loud made me realize how painfully I wish to see him. I knew there was a price to pay just to hear his voice. My heart? My mind? Both are already broken would it take losing both to get that wish? “I’m afraid in the disappointment it might bring. I’m afraid that I will build my hopes up and have them be knocked down… I can’t handle that right now I think that would finally brake me.” my voice sound tired and unfamiliar even to my own ears.
“Oh Addie I’m so sorry. I didn’t know” her lips were hard against each other, and I knew she was truly sorry.
“Its okay. I just don’t want to talk about it anymore.” she nodded swiftly but said nothing more. I didn’t know how much time had past until I finally said something.
“So what were you talking about before I stated drifting off?” I did want to know what she had to say. Form the way she was talking it sounded exiting and I wanted to drowned out the feelings that have been stabbing me at my side. She looked at me with a huge grin showing off the front teeth, and eye growing wide.
“ I was talking about the new boy.” she said new boy as if he was the only boy that mattered “Oh my gosh Addie he is so hot! I think I have fallen in love!” Her eyes were close and her face genital as if she was making a wish. But this was normal behavior for Kate, she falls in and out of love three or four times a week so I was use to her declaring her heart to anyone. Even someone she has only known for one day.
“What’s his name?” I push, wanting to figure out the puzzle that is Kate and how she can possibly fall in love with some she didn’t know. This was the only thing about Kate that truly made me see how different we were. She couldn’t stop loving and I could never start.
“ um about that… I don’t know yet” she smiled a shy smile barley looking at me. Wow this was knew, even before she at lest knew the guys name. It’s like this… disease was getting worse as time pass, I wonder if it’s curable or contagious. I couldn’t help and make a disgusted sound it escaped my lips before I could stop it from exiting. She glared at me now.
“ You don’t know him-” I cut her off before she finished
“Neither do you.” I pointed out “Well at least I’ve seen him!”
“ loving someone should be more what they look like there’s more to it than that.” I said lowering my voice at the end “What more? Oh tell me, wise and powerful love guru .” her voice was cruel and didn’t should like it belonged to her. I didn’t like it. We were quite again, but this time the silence left a sharp and bitter-sweet taste on my tongue.
“I’m sorry Kate I just don’t understand how you can say you have fallen love with someone… someone who’s name you don’t even know.”
“Addie we have had the same conversation before.” she said tiredly as if she was explaining this to a child.
“Yes we have and I still don’t understand how…” she didn’t even let me finish before she stared talking again
“ you’ll understand when your older” she smiled smugly touching her eyes “how amazing falling in love can be.”
“ How can I take advise from a crazy person.” I smile teasingly
“ Sticks and stones Addie sticks and stones.” her voice was
childish as she suck her tongue out at me. I couldn’t help but laugh at her even though just a few words ago I wasn’t in the same mood. But Kate has that effect on me, and I couldn’t see the point of arguing with her, always being in love was part of who she was and I would never ask her to change she was a package deal.
“Okay, fine lets stop talking about anything that would cause me to want to call you crazy…deal?”
“ Wait one more thing” she gave me a look that told me that I wasn’t going to like what she was going to say next. I held my breath I don’t even know why but I couldn’t help it. Her smile was giving me goose bumps. The last time she gave me that look we got lost in a city I haven’t been at before, leaving us to ask for direction from creepy stranger.
“ whatever it is, no!” I quickly added before she could manipulate me to saying yes. Her lower lip puckered in to a pout her eyebrows buckled in the middle, she was giving my the puppy dog pout knowing it was hard for me to say no to her.


Your not here but I feel you.
You can’t speak but I hear you.
Your far gone but I still miss you.

I held my knees tight against my chest rocking my body to the melody that has been play in my head since I entered my garden. As if I would wake up at any moment from this nightmare I was force to live in. My garden always felt more like a dream to me. With it trees so green and tall, it’s branches reaching for the sun as if they were alive. The sun was always brighter here. As if it knew that this place needed it’s light. Somehow it knows there is a girl inside this garden who needed it warmth.
I pushed my headphones on, turning up the volume on my ipod louder than what was comfortable, but that was better than thinking. I let the heavy music pound way all the things that were just on my mind a few moments ago.
I grabbed my backpack for my calculus binder. So I could finally start on my homework. I looked at the problems for just a second and pushed it way. Didn’t they teach us that math was with numbers in first or second grade, if that was true then why the heck is there more letters than numbers. It’s not that I m not good in math I’m passing with a B it’s just that it doesn’t come as naturally as English or History. I actually have to try my best to pass this class, I actually have to study for the tests and take notes just to understand. And aunt Jen not the best help with my math problems no pun intended. Don’t get me wrong she tries but it always ends up being unsolved and leaving me with a headache.
These few day the woods felt different in the way the light from the sun seem to shine even when clouds covered the sky. I didn’t want to be alone anymore I wanted to share my paradise with someone. Anyone. My heart longed for something. This paradise is my sanctuary a place where I felt safe, but it was so quite it was hard to believe that it’s a real place at all. I remember when there use to be music that played in every moment of my day. Laughter that surrounded my every memory, but that too has faded. Even the screaming was better than this silence. Silence was the reminder that I was alone. It’s ironic that I had wished long ago for the screaming to stop… but now I would give anything to hear a scream, a scream that meant they were still here with me.
I returned the big empty house earlier today. I wouldn’t want aunt Jen over reacting because I was a minute late. I know she means well. I hate how I couldn’t even think of this place as home anymore. It had nothing but a bed to offer me. It’s weird to think that just yesterday around this time I was thinking of packing my belongings that could fit in my suitcase and running as far as I could and never letting myself turn back.
I entered the kitchen walked straight for the fridge. There I stared at the yellow piece of paper and was torn in two. I wanted to rip it in to pieces so small there would be no hope in ever reading it again. But a part of me wants to dial that number thinking that the out come couldn’t be worst than what I was facing with right now.
“It’s time to be brave.” I closed my eyes inhaling deeply as if the air could force my to push the numbers on the phone and press talk. “Come on… how can you have enough courage to almost run away, and yet not be brave enough to dale that stupid number.” I was yelling at my self which made me laugh at the whole situation. I’m going crazy. “They’re to different things.” Talking to your self is okay but when you answer that a whole other story.
I dialed the number so quickly( afraid that I would change my mind) that it took my three time to get the right number. I pressed the phone tightly to my ears barely breathing counting to myself how many rings passed by. “ Hey this Chase------. I Can’t come to the phone right now but leave a message and I’ll get back to you as soon as possible. Beeeeeep. I know it was a possibility that he wouldn’t pick up. I’m kind of glad he didn’t, I didn’t know what I would have said if he did pick up. Which leaves my breathing loudly into the phone until the end beep the sign my time was up.
I’m glad I called, even thought he didn’t pick up just hearing his voice made it worth it. He sounded different not his voice but the way he talked. He sounded older. Yes it’s been a while since I talked to him.
I remember him leaving without even a goodbye. The next day he called like nothing happened, like he didn’t run away leaving me all alone and scared. That’s when I screamed to never call me again that he chose to leave me here, so don’t pretend you care by calling. I told him if he called again the I would hate him more. But it was to late to take those words back I was angry and wanted to hurt him. It ended up hurting me more than I could have imagine. Thinking back I regretted saying those worlds, because of them he didn’t call for almost three years. Three years of silence, three years of wondering, three years of pain. Hearing his voice made all that go way.

Impressum

Texte: thanks google image for the picture.
Tag der Veröffentlichung: 27.03.2011

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