I once wrote my life story on the back of a napkin, shortest biography ever written. It would never make the best sellers list as it read most like a list of cheap one liner jokes that usually get a Comic booed off stage at some sleazy night club. That being said,it was important to me. Ketchup smeared and grease stained,it would be my living legacy and ride shotgun with me for the rest of my days,that was my greasy spoon diner promise.

It never ceases to amaze me,those revelations that come to you as you sit alone in a Truck stop while waiting for your meal to come. Feeling lost and sorrow-ridden,drowning your thoughts in the bottom of Java sludge filled mug,so thick you could cut it with a knife,coffee drunk in a moment of caffeine induced clarity,those thoughts that trip into your mind about the wonders of your world. I figured that somewhere in the darkest recess of everyone's subconscious,lurks the forever dreaded "What if" catch clause of life. Whether,it seems,you are really aware of it or not. Haunting every waking moment,of each and every passing day. From the absurd,"What if I had not taken Highway 16,would I be sitting in this Restaurant now,or lost in the back forty somewhere?" to the more profound "What if I had finished school,where would I be now?" or "What if I had said I'm sorry?".

Perhaps,on some levels,maybe it is best that the "What if?" clause of the more profound be best left alone. As my Grandmother always used to say,"Don't live in the past dear,it never does anyone any good,regrets are the reward for the foolish". Yet,here I was,17 and a half years old,homeless,alone and outcast,there is something to be said for realising when you have come to a point in your life when nobody would miss you if you dropped off the face of the planet. Where you have let everyone down so often that they wipe their hands clean of you,they give up and walk away. It does not mean they love you any less,you hope,but the fact is,they don't have the heart for it anymore. Their 'emotional investment' of love and trust has been trampled one too many times. I suppose I deserve what life has dished out for me.

"Miss? Are you okay Miss?" A stout waitress with a pleasant smile etched across her well-seasoned face asked,she had a look of concern in her eyes as she proceeded to slip my meal in front of me.

"Huh? Oh, I'm - I'm fine,thanks" I had managed a weak reassuring smile and gave a small nod of appreciation. I had been feeling sorry for myself so much so lately that I felt like a ghost that walked amongst the people in quiet observation,that it always takes me back to reality with a subtle startle that I could still be seen,that though feeling alone did not constitute that I indeed was.

"Alright Miss?"

"Elizabeth,but everyone just calls me Lizzie."

"Miss Lizzie. If you need anything hun,just give me a holler okay?"

"Sure. Thanks." I stole a quick glance at the torn faded name patch on the threadbare orange and blue uniform "Holly,I will." The waitress gave an unspoken understanding of my wishing to be left alone,but with no cruelty intended and moved on to pouring coffees for the other patrons.

I tore into my food half heartedly,hungry but conflicted and in a turmoil of thoughts. At the current moment I was feeding my guilt,this would be my last meal for awhile, paid for with the last of the money I had stolen from my parents. Parents, though normally forgiving,I had finally really let them down. No matter how many times they asked me what was wrong,promised they would not be mad and said they would help and love me no matter what. It is like somehow I always needed to test the borders of their promises,I do not know why,but maybe on some level I did. Never happy at school,hated my teachers and was failing like it was a new trend. No friends to speak of,but many an enemy for having never done anything really,but keep to myself,a recluse in my own imagined world. On more than one occasion I had kids threatening to beat me,or kill me if I so much as looked at them sideways. Drugs and alcohol became my comfort zone,blurring the boundaries of my reality,stooping low enough to steal to cater to my bad habits never seemed to faze me anymore. My family was poor,I had no right stealing. We lived on the wrong side of the tracks and the worst neighbourhood possible,my Mom and Dad next to never home,working double shifts to try and scrape enough dough together to help our family escape our impoverished reality.

I used to be a "good kid",but two summers ago when my twin brother Kyle was killed in a drive by shooting, well I guess I have been spiralling ever since. I guess that really was it,the turning point, I never felt so alone. My parents were not home at the time,I had to chase my younger siblings inside,screaming at them to call 911,I had returned to Kyle,trying in vain to help,cradling him in my arms,weeping pitifully as he passed away. The shooter was never caught,the cops say it was random,unmotivated by reason,he was just in the wrong place in the wrong time. Most likely an unwilling participant in a gang member's initiation.

My parents were beside themselves,the little ones were confused and I was alone. Not able to afford therapy,us kids had to go to school counsellors. I was the only one of us kids that was in junior high school,I thought Mr. Tyson was a great counsellor at first,he really seemed to listen to my problems,but then he started to try and feel me up. I would have nothing of it,I told him I would tell on him,but by this point I had such a bad track record as a rebel that he said nobody would believe me.He was right. I told everyone I could,nobody believed me,I was accused of lying,suspended from school and even my own Mom and Dad were not sure what to make of it. They wanted to believe me(I could see it in their eyes),to come to my help,but I had taken to lying so often,that they were no longer sure when I was telling the truth,even though my usual lies were petty things,not something like this.

By the following morning,I was gone,packed some meagre possessions,stole some money,left a note goodbye and was gone. A small backpack with some clothes,food,money and a couple of family pictures,this would be my lifeline. If the saying is true,about how the biggest journey begins with a single step, then I think I took it right out of the home of my childhood and out into the dead of night.

The life of a hobo is a long and lonely journey,time loses it's perspective in the grand scheme of things. No longer answerable to any authority,no demands on being a slave to the commands of a dismissal bell,I felt a sense of freedom, but a freedom at what cost?

I had hitch hiked my way out west,no particular destination in mind,just wandering aimlessly. Sometimes I walked for miles with no aid,other times I made great distance with the kindness of a stranger. I am amazed at times by the human spirit and how it can be moved to help a complete stranger,a kindness I usually abused when I felt like it and now I felt the regret,should have known better. I am in continuous awe of how people seem to have an unspoken oath with the universe,a 'don't ask,don't tell' policy,they never really ask me any questions,just talk about where I was headed and what the weather was like.

I slept in ditches usually,close enough to the highway that I would not get disorientated and far enough away from the forests that I was less likely to be eaten by a pack of coyotes. I ate only once a day. I tried to save as much as I could. on occasion,without asking,people would give me money or food taking pity on the poor runaway youth. Twice I ended up hiding in warehouses to avoid cops that had become suspicious of the young stranger that was trekking through their peaceful little towns.

Lost in thought I stared off into the distance and was snapped back to reality when a gruff,cruel sounding voice boomed just ahead of me. I blinked hard and refocused my awareness "I'm - I'm sorry,were you talking to me?"

"Are you deaf or something? I asked you if you thought I was hot or something. You keep starring at me,not that I'm complaining". A dirty,scruffy,old man wearing oil stained overalls and a plaid shirt,faced me from a table just ahead,said as he grunted his approval. Leaning back in his seat,he looked me over as though he were undressing me with his eyes and fantasizing as to what he would like to do to me should he find me alone somewhere. He ran a large hand through his dirty,matted,dishevelled,gray hair and tousled it a bit. I didn't dare wonder about what his other hand was it was nowhere to be seen on the table. His unwatched meal attracting vagrant Flies that had probably followed him in here in the first place,his pets of sorts.

"No,I'm sorry,I was just lost in thought." I said and hastily looked back at my food and resumed eating my semi neglected meal with relish in the distraction. I shuddered,who did this man think he was,God's gift to women? More like a creepy pedophile with an agenda.

"You're loss." he harrumphed "fucking tease." he roared in laughter at his own comment and went back to gnawing on his Fly riddled steak.

I scarffed through my meal as fast as humanly possible,I could still feel the man's stare,it was unnerving. He never said anything further at least so I could eat my meal in relative silence. I must have been quite the sight as the waitress,Holly,checked on me a couple of times,once to tell me not to rush - that I might choke and again later when she asked me if the meal was okay,when I knew she was really just fishing for to the "why rushing?" answer.
Suddenly a clean cut man clad in a black hoodie,jeans and sneakers,with slicked jet black hair and wearing Ray-Ban shades, had walked up and sat down in front of me at my table,right as I was chewing on the last bite. I had damn near choked,my eyes large in surprise,what the hell was it with the men at this truck stop? This one sure had some set of balls on him being so brazen to just sit down and not even ask if he could.

I swallowed hard and cleared my throat,"Um excuse me, but can I help you?"

He gave a sly smile and tilted his head thoughtfully to the side,"I was thinking that perhaps I could help you,my dear."

"By that you mean what,exactly?" I pretended I had no suspicions as to his answer as I dabbed a napkin at my mouth.

He nodded towards my back pack I had on the table,leaning against the wall," Well,I'm headed out and I would be happy to give you a ride if you need it. I thought you looked like you may be a hitch hiker of sorts,thought I would help a stranger out. Save you from having to go out on the highway and have your thumb in the air for the next Lord knows how long,it's getting cold out there and night will be here soon. Weather reports say were in for some snowfall. Just wanted to save you from becoming an icicle".

He had started to get up from the table,I grabbed his arm,"Wait! Yes,please,I really could use a ride. I just have to pay for my meal,just give me a minute,okay?"

"Well alright then," He walked ahead of me as I walked to the Till. Holly kept looking back and forth nervously between myself and my mystery saviour,she never said anything,but I could see the worry in her eyes.

I wanted to reassure her,somehow I felt answerable to this kind lady,but I chose instead to say nothing. Holly reached into the souvenir case by the till and pulled out a tiny stuffed husky dog,smiling weakly she tossed it to me," Because everyone needs a friend,"she said.

"It's adorable,but I can't afford it,I'm afraid,"I hung my head a little.

"Take it and enjoy it in good health," She pushed the toy dog towards me,along with my money. "Keep your money hun,it's okay. You may need it,"she gave a slide glance at the strange man behind me.

"Take care of yourself,Lizzie." she looked like she was biting her lip,tears welling up in her eyes. I think it was an ingrown maternal instinct,it was sweet and I appreciated it.

"I will and thanks, for everything," I smiled and held up my little stuffed treasure,"I'm going to name her,Holly"

Holly smiled,"You know...you could stay in town if you liked? I could always use another employee and my nephew runs a Boarding house just down the street,you could stay there if you liked? At least stay the night,think about it and if you don't want to stay,leave in the morning after a good night's rest".

I must admit,Holly's kindness overwhelmed me. I was tempted,man was I tempted. To just stop running away from everything,the town was not that bad,although albeit a bit quiet for my personal taste. But the chance to start my life anew,a tangible future that was different than the rollercoaster lifestyle I had created for myself,it held promise. Before I knew it I shocked even myself on some level,it had been so long since I felt someone cared about me,that I dipped around the counter's edge and through my arms around Holly and gave her a huge hug. I think I had even shocked her momentarily,but she hugged me back warmly.

"I'll be back someday,but I just can't stay. I feel like there's something I'm missing and I have to keep going until I find whatever it is. Then I can rest. But if it's an open offer,I'd like to take you up on that job offer when I come back?"

"You bet,anytime Lizzie,be glad to have you here. Remember Lizzie,whatever you're running from,sometimes no matter how bad it seems,sometimes what we end up running to is worse".

I sensed a hesitation in Holly,I knew she wanted to make me stay. Such a sweet lady.

"Also Lizzie,the only call that's ever too late is the one we fail to make. I'm sure your family must be worried about you sweetie,you should give them a call when you can".

I knew she was right,"Thanks Holly,I'll call them when I reach the next town,I promise".

"Good girl. Bye Lizzie"

"Take care Holly,bye," I waved and walked out the door,I never saw her again..

I followed after my good samaritan like a puppy after a child with an ice-cream cone. I had felt the fortunes of the universe,sometimes the unexpected happens. We approached a nice,sleek looking,black BMW with tinted windows.

"My name is Grear,by the way,Grear Perim," The man announced as he unlocked the doors for us. We slipped inside onto the cool comfort of the lush leather seats,I savoured the feel of it as I buckled up. My family would never be able to afford anything as fancy as this. It was such an amazing experience to ride in such comfort. Usually the people that gave me rides,drove old run down cars and pickup trucks.

"Nice to meet you Grear,my name is Lizzie Daniels," I smirked as I thought of the man's name. It had to be the most unusual name I ever heard and yet,there was something oddly familiar about it, not sure what. "I really appreciate the ride,I wasn't relishing the idea of having to hitch hike in the cold and like you said,it's getting dark." Once I had my backpack adjusted across my lap,I placed my 'Holly' dog on top of it,looking over it thoughtfully.

"Do you mind if I play some music?"

"Not at all,go right ahead," who in their right mind would protest,I had been grateful for the ride,I was not about to tell this man what he could or could not do in his own car.

Grear turned on his radio,instantly playing a song I recognised,but could not remember who sang it. The song 'Highway To Hell' began pulsating out of the speakers. I found myself getting drowsy as the car started to life and he pulled away,the lights of the diner growing dim in the distance. Before I knew it I had fallen asleep,Holly cradled tightly in my arms her ears the only thing peeking over the edge of my arm.

How long I slept I will never know. it could have been hours,or it could have been days. It was strange I felt more rested than I ever had in my life,but I kept thinking it had hardly been any time at all aside from the fact that the gradually darkening sky was now totally pitch black. The only light in the darkness that I could see was some small interior lights and the cars' headlights. Peering out my window I could see trees and such zipping by,but nothing distinguishable to get one's bearings on were we might be. No buildings,or signs that I could see so far.

"I wondered when you might wake up,you've been sleeping for sometime. There was no real reason to wake you and you looked like you could use the sleep. I get the feeling you do a lot of traveling and not much sleeping," He more of stated than asked.

"Yeah,that's okay and it's true,I don't sleep much,I like to keep moving"

"Really? Well I think all of us have something were running from,the illusion of movement and time deludes the reality,the inevitability that all things will catch up to us in the end,doesn't matter how long,or far we run. The only thing that can truly affect that,is death. So might as well sleep when we can,it never changes the outcome".

"I hadn't really thought of it like that before and I suppose you're right," I found myself thinking longingly of my family,how much I truly loved them and regretting deeply any hurt I may have caused them. I had been a handful,I knew it. I wanted to go back to them now,desperately,I needed to say I was sorry. Things would be different now,I would sit and talk to my parents,finish school,help take care of my siblings and get a job. So many plans racing through my head,I was going to home, I would change.

"Grear,how far have we come? I mean,are we that far from the diner?

"We're farther than you'd think. Having second thoughts are we?" Grear raised a questioning eyebrow.

"I've been running so long, I have to face my problems sometime or I'll never stop running and that's no kind of life".

"That's true,"Grear's face look deeply shadowed in the dim light of the car,his good looks somehow hardened and his easy smile had vanished.

"If it's not too much trouble,could you drive me back to the diner? I can call home once I'm there. Or if not,please just let me out,I'll walk back," I tucked the little stuffed Husky into a pocket on the backpack,for some reason I could no longer look at Grear,I felt he was scowling for some reason.

Another classic song started to play on the radio,an 'oldie but a goodie' as my twin Kyle had called songs that were older than when we were born,the song "Wanted Dead Or Alive",it's haunting rhythm pulsating in my ears,like a battle cry warning.

"I'm sorry I can't do that".

"Oh, okay that's fine,just let me out,I can walk".

"No,you don't understand, I can't let you go," Grear punctuated with emphasis ,as he sped the car up noticeably.

"Grear,you're scaring me,please,just let me out," I pleaded to no avail,Grear just shook his head.

"I envy you people. You have every opportunity in the world,to live life to the fullest and you squander it. You go around abusing the gift of life you were given and by the time you realise your mistakes it's too late. I've been sent to collect." a look of wistfulness washed over Grear's chiselled features.

"Collect? What do you mean by that,that you were sent to collect?"

"The tragedy of it honey,whether you truly realise it or not,you knew the second I told you my name. You're a smart girl,smarter than you chose to live to the potential to be,think about it. Who am I?" The car zipped along,trees whizzed by,the car reached a dangerous speed level. If a Deer darted out on the road it would be to late to brake,or swerve,we would crash. The possibility of dying did not seem to phase Grear in the slightest,like he had a death wish and fully intended to take me down with him.

"Well Miss Daniels,who am I? Time is a ticking,what's your answer?" Grear lowered his shades with one hand and quickly glanced over at me and smirked,where his eyes should be appeared as two fiery coals. The longer I stared the more I swear I could see the faces of pleading,voiceless spirits. He pushed his shades back up and refocused his attention on the road once more.

"Your name is an anagram,your name isn't Grear Perim...," my voice caught in my throat,I strangled back a cry as I watched his clothes morph into a black hooded robe,his face turning into that of a skeleton with a menacing grinning smile "it's Grim Reaper!"

"Very good Lizzie,shame you realised what was important in life too late," The Grim's teeth clattered,the sound of brittle bone connecting.

"...but I've changed!" a hopeful note in my voice.

"I know you would sweetheart,but the fact remains that I was already sent. It's nothing personal," the Grim sighed and continued,"It's just,oh how do I put this. If you bought a shirt at a store,nothing wrong with it,but then decided you didn't like it and went to customer service to complain about everything under the sun. Eventually the manager would be sent for and you will be removed from the building. You and I both know there was nothing wrong with the shirt,or in your case your life, except what you made of it. Things could have been better in your favour sure,but if life were easy with everything handed to you on a silver platter,it would be boring and you would have learned nothing and babe that's not living! So that "shirt",or your life is what you make of it. I'm the manager,call me customer service if you will,I'm here to soul repossess".

I remember screaming as Grear turned and looked deep into my soul,his eyes burning intensely to the core of my being. I felt the sensation of the car leaving the road as it flew off into a fence,down the steep embankment and into a lake. It's depths rushing up to greet me. The sound of gurgling water resonated all around the car. It was too late to tell anyone anymore that I was sorry,no more I love yous' could be said, I thought of my family and how much I loved them and the regrets too late to change. I found myself thinking back to my last English class at school before I skipped out. We were taking William Shakespeare's play "Hamlet". I remembered a soliloquy by Prince Hamlet where he faked madness and melancholy,it came to me in the now very real melancholy of my own "To die, to sleep, To sleep, perchance to dream. Ay, there's the rub,For in that sleep of death what dreams may come,When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,Must give us pause. There's the respect That makes calamity of so long life".

Part of the last line of the soliloquy sat unforgiving in my mind's memory "Be all my sins remembered," Shakespeare was a wise man,but then I guess that came with having lived life to the fullest.

I used to love going to the lake when my family could afford it, it always seemed so peaceful. It is amazing how different people's experiences changes your view on things. Whether it tarnishes your opinion,or polishes it, depends on the individual it seems. I felt I should be afraid,to fear the old comfort of a Lake's water,seeing my death before me enshroud in a watery tomb,but it slowly evaporated,the fear left my being,stretched like many tendrils of spiritual fibres slithering away,replaced by a calmness.

My vision got fuzzy. my last moments a blur,I felt my last breath escape as the darkness engulfed me,"I love you,...I'm sorry,...remember me," I had finally found what I was looking for,Peace.

I could go home now.

I felt my soul release as I shed my body, warm light shone brightly before me and I felt my spirit rise into it. I saw Kyle,smiling as he ran towards me,hugged me and we laughed and talked as he took me home....

EPILOGUE

* The car would be found the following afternoon,pulled from the water,with Lizzie at the wheel of a car reported stolen the night before. Official reports said it was blizzarding that night,road conditions were poor due to bad visibility,roads were slippery too and that it was just a tragic accident. No details could ever be confirmed with the theft itself as there were no witnesses to the crime. The owner after reporting the car's theft,mysteriously disappeared.

The events leading up to the crash were able to be partially traced thanks to a stuffed toy found in her backpack,a toy Husky with a tag on it's collar,a nearby town's restaurant name and address displayed on it. A waitress confirmed the girl's presence there,last seen leaving with a stranger,who despite the restaurant patron's accounts,nobody could seem to remember a description of the man,no matter how hard they tried.

The waitress,Holly through police help(Her family was notified from the I.D. that was found in her backpack),arranged to meet the family,she told them how Lizzie had loved them and was sorry for any grief she caused,that she would was going to change her life around. Holly did not remember actually talking to Lizzie about this,but somehow she knew and it brought the Daniels family peace.

Lizzie was buried four days later,with her toy Husky clasped in her hands and her Napkin written life story,tucked into it's collar. Her family was forever changed,... they moved out West with the help of their new friend Holly. They never forgot Lizzie and they lived each day to the fullest. On the faithful day they each in turn passed away,many years later,Lizzie's spirit was always first to welcome them home*

Impressum

Texte: "What Dreams May Come" Copyright,March @2010 Noreen Malarkey *Any refrence to William Skakespeare's play,"Hamlet" is of his creation alone.
Tag der Veröffentlichung: 19.04.2010

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To all the people that people that feel lost in this world,you are not alone,there is always hope for those who seek it. You are loved.