How I Know

I don't know when I really decided that I loved him. I mean, it didn't just happen over night, but when I realized that I did, it was a shock to me. I somehow feel that he's the only one for me. He doesn't seem to realize how much I care about him, but he knows just enough.
I feel as if he knows this, too, and is trying to avoid it by avoiding me. He says hi every once in a while, but other than that? Hell no. We barely talk like we used to. He was my best-friend. And do you know how hard it was for me just now to write the word was?

It's stupid, I know, but I just want him to care enough about me like he used to. I think he liked me longer than anyone else in his life. But I was probably his shortest relationship, too.
And you want to know why? Because he thought we weren't going to see each other. My parents are the reason for that.
Anyway, back to the subject. How I know that I love him. I know because every time I catch him staring at me, I get scared. Every time I look at him, I feel like I know everything about him. Every time I see him by accident, I get butterflies in my stomach.
I know that I love him, because just thinking about him makes me sad, knowing that I have to wait that much longer for him.
I know that I love Vincent because I just know. I know the way he makes me feel, the way he looks at me, the way I feel when I see him with her

instead of me.
I know that I need him to survive. Otherwise, the love I feel towards him today will mean nothing. Sure, I'll probably get over it, but I don't want to. I want to feel this way forever. The pain is worth it in the end, because love isn't about thinking about yourself. It's about caring for the one who cares about you.
When you love someone, you would do anything for them, even if it means inflicting pain on yourself. I've waited for him for 11 months, and I'll wait 11 more if it means having him.
I've tried to date other people, but it doesn't feel right. It feels like I'm going behind his back, and trying to care for someone else. I can't though. I'm in too deep to let go now.
Do you know what really matters to me? That he's happy, that someone loves him, and that in some way he will always be mine. He will always be in my heart, even if I drop dead right now.
The way you know your in love with someone is because even after their gone, you can never forget the way you felt when they touched you, or said your name. Or, in my case, kept bantering you on who you like, and on the last day of school, ask you out.
I can love him because I know that it doesn't matter if he loves me back. I can love him because I know that I want him to be happy. The pain it causes me in the process is worth just one minute thinking that he loves me.

Why I Love Him

I think some of the reason I love him is because I can't have him. But, he was once. He was also my best friend who I told almost everything to. Except that I love him. Haha.
Another reason why I love Vincent is because when I think about everything we had together, it makes me feel like I have some part of him that will always care about me. I mean, when I came into class bawling for reasons that don't concern you, he looked at me, and the look in his eyes. God. It literally felt like he was telling me that everything was going to be okay. It got me through the day.
The biggest reason why I love him is because he gets me. I don't know how he does, but he gets me. He didn't question me when I told him something, he just took it, and didn't argue about it. He never said to me, "Are you sure?" He just let me be me, and he liked me that way. No one else did at that point. Except maybe my closest of friends. But, hey. That's exactly what he was.
Again with the was!

It pains me to admit that we can never again have what we used to. But maybe we can have something different? I don't know.
The last reason why I love him is because when he smiles it almost literally takes my breath away. I see him in a way that I don't think anyone else does. I see him as, well, him.
The look in his eyes tells me that he wants something desperately, but he doesn't know what. But I think I do. He wants acceptance, love, kindness, and most of all, he wants to be different. He doesn't want to be like everyone else. He wants to be him, and only him. He doesn't want to change himself for other people. He wants to stay the same.
And that is why I love him. Because we want the same things in life. Like I said before, I think he is the only one who truly gets me without questioning everything I do. He knows that I would do anything for him.
And that brings us to our next chapter. How we are alike.

Impressum

Texte: This is based on my personal experience. Copyrighting is not allowed. If you do, I'll know. lOl
Tag der Veröffentlichung: 31.12.2011

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Widmung:
To the one who I love, and he doesn't know it. He thinks it's just some crush that will go away. But I know when I'm in love, and I am going to share that with you. How I know that I'm in love.