Red Lights

  I sat in the field and watched the wheat’s bow at the mercy of the wind and the flowers rise up at the sun, which was setting above the lush dark green trees. I looked from the sky to my hands and clothing which were stained red from the blood. I gazed at my forearms, where there were new gashes and old scars. The blade had fallen from my fingers after the second cut as my hands shook and I had cried out in pain.  Like most times, I didn’t know what to do next. I didn’t mean to cut. Not again, anyways. Even then I didn’t mean to.

  I looked at the sky one more time. Above the trees was painted vibrant orange and screeching red against a deep dark blue background. Yes, I did say screeching. Why? Because I felt like everything was talking to me, and that red was screaming at me. I don’t know why, but it was. I tried to listen to what it was saying, but I just couldn’t understand what it was trying to tell me. It was like my head was in a fog; or wrapped in a warm blanket. I just wanted to doze off right then and there and sleep…

                                                               ***

   That was the day I was told I was schizophrenic. The day I found out that something was wrong with me. I mean, I knew this before, but I just thought that I was going through a faze. Not that I was sick. I couldn’t understand it at first, but then I thought back in my past and started to understand everything more clearly

Blue Skies

   

   I felt hands slap against my shoulders and a growl in my ear. I screamed and stood still as my attacker came stumbling out from behind me, laughing. My best friend gazed at my shocked expression with that cocky selfish smile on his face that I haven’t seen in days. I finally reached over and slapped his stomach and said, “I told you not to do that!” but I couldn’t help the smile that was growing on my face too; nor the fact that his stomach was hard and flat under my hand, which I was reluctant to move away. Our eyes met and I knew I was blushing a bit. His smile faded to revile a strong and intense looked that shot through my body and to settled in my stomach. I didn’t want to look away, but it was getting uncomfortable being like this. Unnerving more like it.

  I was saved by David and Kyrie walking towards us with that knowing smile on their faces. I blushed even more and pulled away from Kellin, nervously tucking my bangs behind my ear. Once David and Kyrie reached us I already knew what they were thinking. They were thinking that Kellin and I should go out since they knew how we felt about each other.  To give up the gig on pretending that it’s okay for both of us to be friends and not be anything more. Oh, and how we’d be a lovely couple… 

  “What’s up guy’s?” I heard Kyrie say. I glanced up at her and our eyes met. Hers were pleading with me to tell her everything ASP, even though there was nothing to tell.  David was giving Kellin the same look, but Kellin just ignored him and stretched; his eyes still on me. I cleared my throat before replying, “The sky, ceiling, and everything else.” That was my usual remark. Just then, Kellin added, “Actually…” he drawn out, “it’s about an old man and this house-“ I gave him a look , cutting him off. He just grinned and leaned up against the wall in a cat like manner.

  David had his arm around Kyrie and she was pressing her back up against him. David leaned down and she tilted her head back so he could kiss her on her lips. Kyrie was a skinny girl and a little bit taller than me, but equally crazy. She loved skinny jeans and had small breasts, along with light, long curly hair that she straitened everyday because she didn’t like it curly.  No one liked her because she’s just…I don’t know. She’s just a little too hyper. I’ll admit that I didn’t like her at first (I didn’t even know who she was till I started talking to Kellin and hanging out with him) but now she was one of my good friends and has been there with me through thick and thin.

  David is an obnoxious guy, but a really good guy too. Again no one liked him either because of the way he acts. But I didn’t want to judge him. Plus that was years ago and I had a crush on him. (Not now though. I would never do anything to hurt his and Kyrie’s relationship.) He was the guy that couldn’t stop making perverted jokes or stop annoying everyone he talks to, but that’s why he was with us. David was somewhat tall and was a little bit over weight, in the sense that he was a wrestler and it fit him. He wasn’t fat, but he wasn’t that fit either. David is also one of Kellin’s friends.

  Kyrie and David have been going out since the beginning of the school year and haven’t been able to stop touching each other since.  David loves kissing Kyrie and it’s actually cute to watch. Kyrie isn’t a slut, and David isn’t a cheat. It’s just perfect.

  You must think I’m jealous by how great they are together and by how I talk so fondly of them, but I’m not. I like the relationship I have with Kellin, even if that means being in the friend zone. Of course I would love him to hold me and kiss me like David does to Kyrie, but Kellin’s not that type. I don’t think he is anyways. I just have to savor every moment that I have with him, and I’m fine. I know what it’s like to lose him, and I don’t want to lose him again.

  We make a little small talk here and there before the whole group comes and it’s a mix of conversations filling the space of the waiting area that we were placed in to wait for everyone to arrive and school to begin. Between everyone’s chatter, I somehow ended up by Kellin. He was laughing at something David had said. I looked at the space between my feet and felt that loneliness envelope me once again, like every time I was around him. I felt an arm bump mine and looked up to see Kellin looking down on me. He wasn’t smiling at me, just looking in my eyes and once again I was taken by how cute he was.

  Kellin was tall and very lean. He was also pale, but he has a tan too. Not as much as mine, but he was getting there since he was a soccer player and had to be in the sun constantly. I just sit inside because I’m too afraid to go outside with how everything’s been lately. (I swear that you have to go out with other people to avoid getting jumped.) Kellin had long eye lashes that framed his beautiful dark creamy brown eyes.  His hands were huge and calloused from use with his guitar and construction work that he’s been helping with for charity. (Don’t think to fondly of him though, he said he just needed something to do. He doesn’t care for the charity.) He had millions of cuts and scars from getting beaten up in soccer. Unlike the rest of us in our group, he has no acne. Not that I could see anyways. His lips were pink and lush and I had to fight the urge to grab him and kiss him. His hair was black and so long  it fell in his eyes.

I looked back at him and I couldn’t breathe. I never can when I’m with him. I felt something brush my hand and I looked down to see his hand rub up against mine, but when I went to slip my hand into his, he pulled it back and avoided looking at me.  I screamed in frustration inside and blushed from embarrassment once again. He always does this and its really freaking confusing for me. Usually I can read people with no problem, like how they are feeling and what they are like, but Kellin was so… cold that I find it hard to understand what was going on in his head. No I take that back. I have no idea what was going on in my head.

Sighing I turned my attention back to the group and met eyes with Dillon. Dillon is one of my guy friends who has had a crush on me for years and he is like glued to my side. I don’t mind really. I like having him around and all, and I like him a little bit more than just a friend, but… I don’t know. I like Kellin more. A lot more I guess you should say.  I always felt bad after he asked me out or stays by my side no matter what.  I mean, I’m a girl and one person. Why should I go through this with boys? Why can’t I get a break?

Dillon gives me a cold look of disdain before turning around and walking away from me. I groan and chase after him. “Dillon, wait! Stop please.” I called and begged after him. He kept pushing through the throng of people and pushing people over in his haste and, sadly, I followed after him. He was heading towards the bathrooms and I ran to keep up with him. “Dillon stop! Talk to me please!” I grabbed his hand to stop him and he stopped. He yanked his hand from mine and turned to me. That look. Oh god that look of hatred and pain tore me to shreds. “Dillon? Dillon you are acting like I kissed him! What’s wrong with you?!” he just stared at me before reaching out and pulling me to him. Before I knew it his was kissing me. I didn’t know what to do. All I could think of was, “What?! No!! No no no no no!!!”  I didn’t understand. I couldn’t. I pushed him away from me and looked at him in shock and he returned it. “I- I’m sorry. I didn’t mean- I mean- I- ugh!! I’m sorry.” He stuttered before turning and running in the bathroom.

“Amy?” was that- was that my name being called? I turned and saw everyone looking at me.  And kellin was right in front of me.  For the first time in my life I saw and emotion cross his face that I have never saw before: pain. I felt my heart break and a tear feel from my eye and- I woke up.

When I say I woke up, I mean I really did. I was startled out of my sleep by a noise in the middle of the night. I laid stock still in my bed, heart pounding and face wet from tears. Then I heard it again. It was like a… whisper. A soft sound coming from the corner of my room.

Panic

That day at school I was drowning.  My eyes were red and I was slumming it with a messy pony tail and raggedy PJ top with old beaten sweats. I got it. I had feelings for guy's, but that is me being a teenager, right? I tried to focus on school work but what happened this morning was freaking me out and so was my dream.  Guilt and fear was gnawing at my insides until I was shaking and felt sick. I needed to tell him about what was going on with me. There was only one way I could do that, and that is write it.

I pushed my books away and pulled out a fresh sheet of paper and with shaking fingers i began to write: 

 

"Dear Kellin,

 

    I'm shaking as I write this, but I know I need to tell you. I had a dream last night and you were in it. I'm shaken because only just you in it.  It was Dillon too. Only we kissed... I been freaking out ever since. And not only that but I heard something this morning and I’m scared... In the morning after the dream I heard something whispering in the corner of my room. Knowing me it was just me being paranoid, but it was continuing in breathless relentlessness. Repeating one word over and over again: Live. I know what you are thinking. Live? What is so scary by that? 

!) the relentlessness was quite eerie 

2) live backwards spells evil

3) I saw a little girl in the corner grinning at me

   

    I know I know... I'm crazy, but I know what I saw... I think I saw a ghost.

 

                                                                                           Kisses,

                                                                                                    Amy"

 

Chills rolled up my spine as I folded the note and held it tight in my sweaty palms. I brought myself back to earth. We were watching a movie in half dim light and I saw that half the kid's heads were down. I stretched before resting my chin on my hand to watch bird calls when I saw a paper slide onto my desk. I blinked my itchy eyes and looked at the paper on my desk. Scribbled on it was a big X and written on it was, "draw an x on your wrist if you knew someone who killed or tried to kill themselves." I swallowed hard. I glanced up to see Kyrie looking at me expectantly. I was trying to keep my vomit in my mouth and I began to cry a little. 

I looked down at my covered wrists and pulled the sleeves down a little to see clean smooth untouched wrists. I knew people who cut and starved themselves. Like I knew about them, but I wasn't friends with them. Though, there is my dad... 

I crumbled up the paper and shoved it in my pocket and I didn't look at Kyrie once as I did. Screw these sympathy things. the past should be the past. I pulled my sleeve back over my hand and focused on the movie.

 

When the bell ring I moved so fast that I made sure that I pasted Kyrie without a pause in step. I needed out. And I needed to cry, but I didn't. I couldn't. 

My mood didn't change when I saw Kellin waiting for me calmly outside of class. He flashed me his cocky smile and, dispite my mood, I smiled shyly back. "Hey," He murmured to me. I responded my putting the note on his books without a word. 

"What is this?" He asked me. 

"Just read it. Please?" I replied keeping my eyes to the ground. My heart was trying to escape my chest since I was so nervious.

"Uh... sure. I'll read it when ever I can. I promise. Now will you tell me what is up?" He was so tall and quiet that I barely heard him speak. I was so small that I was the one who was fighting throngs of rude people just to stay by my.... well my friend I guess. I had no idea what else to call him. 

"Kyrie did something that got to me. " I finally told him when we reached the lunch line. I looked up at him and bit my lip. He wasn't looking at me. I looked away hurt and succumbed to the pain trapping me. I was used to this by now. Then he caught me by surprise by answering me. 

"What did she do?" I looked up shocked for a moment before shifting to get the note from my pocket and smoothing it out on the wall before showing him. He took it and read it and a flash of anger crossed his face then it was gone and replaced by sympathy. "Do you need a hug?" he asked. I nodded and we shifted our books to embrace each other. 

 

Impressum

Tag der Veröffentlichung: 24.07.2013

Alle Rechte vorbehalten

Widmung:
It is always hard to write a book that makes you feel whats going on in a writers mind. So to make it more real, I used some of my own experiences in this story of a young girl who loses her mind to a sickness that she cant help. Most people in this story are real people who are in my life, but their names are changed to keep their identity hidden and more speical for me. So here is to all my friends and I hope you guys know who you are. And i dont think bad of you guys and that I love you more than anything, even if I dont show it. To my dad who is... well, who is the person who inspired me to write this. But it was my sister who had a passion for the mind of a shitzophrenic and gave me many lectures on it. And just for my family who kept telling me to keep writing, even though I'm a little crazy myself. (but in a good way i guess) I hope all of you, my readers who gave me nothing but good reviews, enjoy the horrors and feeelings that were in my own mind. Thank you all, I love you guys, love Jillian. (aka sweep)