The day I told myself I cannot control my anger anymore. It was a cloudy, rainy day, I was living in a little town called Wright City, It’s not quite as little as some people think it is but it’s small. Well anyways I was just about 10 years old when I finally realized my anger was to a certain extent that I could not control it. My mother was in the kitchen cooking dinner, and my brother and grandma were in the Living room watching television. I could not quite understand why I was scrubbing the kitchen and dining room floor with a tooth brush. Finally it caught my attention I was being treated like Cinderella. I always used too get called names by my “loving grandma” (I mean this sarcastically). I could not stand being the only grandchild of hers that does everything for her and yet still gets called names. Well that day I was sick of doing everything for her, She really got too me with me having too scrub the kitchen floor with a tooth brush. I told her that was it I have had enough! She said ok then you can go too the bathrooms next and scrub those floors. I was so ticked off I could have hit her but I did not. I respect my elders very much so. I said yes mam and then got too work. I really did not want too do so many things as a child but I had no choice other than to listen. My grandma is in control of everything so I told myself to watch it or I could get in big trouble. I was really terrified of this woman. She is like the wicked witch of the west but more evil. I just wanted too shoot myself and end it there but I did not want too let her know that. I was going through so much for being so young. I had not stand a chance in this world I told myself. But then I turned too God and asked too be forgiven of what I have said. I never really found out if God had forgiven me or not but I always thought he has. I could barely be a human I thought too myself if God will not forgive me. So I just moved on with my life. The next day I could barely talk I had such a big clump of guilt in my throat. But I had also cried for 3 hours that night too cause I have never been so hurt in my life. My grandma kept the name calling going all day. I was just so ready too end my life right then and there. So I went too the bathroom and tried over dosing on some pills of my moms. I had too miss like a week of school just because my mom had me admitted into a behavioral health unit. I could not stand some of the people there but I thought it was better than home. So I was really good in the BHU that I got out a couple of days later. I cried too go back because I felt more love in there three days than what I did at home my whole life. I got too go back the same day I got out but this time I stayed in there for 5 days because I returned two hours after I was released. This time it was not so much fun but too me it was better than home still. I thought I was insane for thinking that but I went with what I felt was right. When I got out this time I did not go back in because I was ready too try and make my life a lot better with my grandma at home. I tried so hard but nothing worked she was still her cranky old self and I was practically ruined by her. We started babysitting my cousin the day after that and I was made too change and bathe her. But I was used too this from the experience I had of taking care of her when I was 7 years old, I changed diapers, fed her, bathed her then too. I was never appreciated by anyone for doing such an awesome job. But I give myself credit for being a better mother than what anyone in my family ever was. I do not have any kids of my own but when I do I will be a lot better of a mother than anyone in my whole family. I have been treated like a slave since my uncle Corey died. Its like my grandma blames me for him having cancer but I know for a fact its not my fault. But the main reason I know she hates my guts is not just because she has told me but also because I share a birthday with my grandpa and he passed away when I was 6 weeks old. My mom said since then she has never loved me like a family member. She practically swore to herself that if she loves me she will be cursed or something like that because I was never properly loved by her. I wish she would understand how I feel. I feel betrayed, hated and left too die alone in the darkness of my own sorrow. But I know better because if that did not happen too my grandma and I was a better person it would not happen too me.. I love my grandma till this day no matter how much she hates me I will always love her. We do have some really good moments as we try too understand each other but I really miss the way we were before my uncle passed away. Although I never had any children I still know what pain she is going through too cope with her grief of losing a husband and children. She has lost so many children in her life I think she would be a lot worse than what she is. All together she has lost 6 children, She had two miscarries, lost one son of diabetes, one of cancer, and she also had to born but they died like ten minutes later. I can honestly say I feel really bad for my Grandma. Not only is she cranky but as the older she gets the worst health she gets into. Most old people I know get healthier as they get older. No offense too the old people I love you all dearly. I never really understood the reason my grandma never really loved me as much as she loved her other grandchildren all I do for her still today I get treated like trash form her. She is still my grandma and the older I get the less I care what she says too me because it’s the closer I am too moving out.

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Tag der Veröffentlichung: 15.09.2011

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I dedicate this story too my grandma who really never cared.