Midsummer’s Eve

Yellow rays of sun
Catch on flecks of gold,
Fairy dust scattered through the air.
It settles on thrones
Of velvet pink,
King in the sky's last parting gift
Before magic takes over.

The dusky air is bathed in their light,
Baptized
As they begin their summer dance.
Gossamer wings flit amongst
Slender greens.
Splashes of light make
Hazy halos around fuzzy globes.
The air is still,
Time frozen between sundown and
Moonrise.
They dance along the ground,
Among the leaves,
In the roses.
They are flickering yellow stars,
Taunting reality with their
Ethereal beauty.

They are dreams,
Bringing childhood back to
Life.

The moon has risen.


Capulet

I wear my heart on my sleeve,
Branded upon my soul.
My tears slip down my cheek,
Hidden behind the mask.
I cannot speak for fear of anger.
I cannot breathe without my speech.
You leave me broken,
Dead.
Cold.
I am frozen behind this mask of terror.
The sparkles of life
Have fallen as ashes around me.
My words fall on deaf ears,
My pleas fall like leaves around me.
If I bleed,
Will you finally see?
If you see the pain,
Will you finally listen?
My heart is fading from its perch,
Sinking into the depths
Where your words cannot hurt it.
My mask is hardening,
Melting together with bone.
It hides the tears.
Soon, there will be nothing left.
Soon...
Soon my soul will be burned through,
Scarred and bloodless and crippled.
I have been here before.
I didn't think to prepare again.
My heart sits on my sleeve
And I can't do any more.
I can do nothing more.
Let the blood fall.
Let my heart break.
It's in your hands.
You make this
Or you break this.
As for me...


Hidden Daggers

I see you standing there,
All perfect and innocent.
Do you think I can't see you?
Do you think I don't know?
I can hear your fingers on the keys.
I can smell the fear of capture.
Scared of being alone
When the final hammer falls,
You drag in someone else
And pray that softens the blow.
I see you standing there.
I know who's really at fault.
All your smiles and intents
Have fallen at your feet.
Your smiles have turned to
Hidden daggers.
Your means have been revealed.
You only want to satisfy
That need to always know.
You think I can't see you?
You think I don't know
When you pry into my mind,
My soul,
Digging for "the truth."
Somehow I still care for you,
Even after all these times.
This isn't the first,
Nor the last,
That your fingers will scar my heart.
You know that I see you.
You can feel that I know.
It's amusing,
Watching you squirm every time I speak.
I doubt you ever will learn.
Your fingers will fly across the keys,
As your good intentions
Hide your nosy needs.
And somehow,
It's all for the good of
Me.


Frosted Glass

Broken pieces float slowly to the ground,
Frozen in time.
Glass pieces glitter and shine,
Bright in the light.
Right now they look so beautiful
Suspended in mid-air,
Slivers of diamonds.
Once they fall, though, I know they will hurt.
They are dangerous beauty.
Through the fog and the beauty,
I can see faces, people,
Watching my life fall around me.
Their eyes glitter in the dark, full of knowledge.
Am I the only one who didn’t see?
I look up at you, see the box which held my heart.
It’s empty now, upside-down.
Why are you smiling?
Why aren’t you helping?
The edges cut my fingers as I try to pick them up.
You wait until blood is all around,
Then silently leave me behind.
They watch me, mock me with frozen eyes,
While I pick up my shattered heart.


Rubies

Red.
It takes a minute, but then it appears, silent and painless like a crimson shadow.
The pain breaks through as the first drop beads, sharp and fierce and clean.

Clean.
That's what it feels like.
Clean from the endless pain and torment trapped inside.
Clean from the anger and frustration and fear, but it's a lie.

Red.
It takes a second, but then the memories come back, silent and painful like a brooding shadow.
The pain breaks through as the razor falls, sharp and deep and ugly.

Ugly.
That's what it feels like.
Ugly from the endless pain and torment trapped inside.
Ugly from the anger and frustration and fear.

It's only a plea for help, a tool to manipulate.
It's a crutch for the weak who don't know how to handle themselves.
So, ugly and red, the insides bleed, unable to do anything, show anything on the outside.

Dirty.
It stays forever, the scars held inside, silent and painful and painless.
The pain breaks through as the walls fall, sharp and fierce and burning.

Burning.
That's what it feels like.
Burning from the endless pain and torment trapped inside.
Burning from the anger and frustration and fear.
Again, the only thing heard is misunderstanding.
Again, the only thing spoken is fear and distrust.

Silent is the reason behind it.
Silently, the red line blushes, beads, and draws a red line down my arm.


Tropical Darkness

The darkness of my soul ebbs and flows
Like the waves along the shore.
It leaves behind a clean, pure slate
Only to return and once again claw at my life.
The waves of darkness have their moods,
Sometimes slowly dragging pieces of me away,
Grain by grain.
Other times, it rages in my chest,
Crashing against my mind,
Ripping away my soul.
The darkness never leaves me,
Like the waves,
There is always one more coming,
Inevitable corrosion,
Undeniable in its call.

The darkness claws at my mind,
Its waves of icy blackness washing over my will.
It is an endless cycle,
Hating the darkness and feeding it off my hate.
I have no escape.
The waves will never stop.
Somehow I must save myself
From the shore’s destitute fate.
Somehow I must not let Eternity wear me down.
The sands of my mind must remain with me.


The Wraith

Darkness pulls at me,
Coaxing me into his loving arms.
Anger builds up against the world,
Against myself.
Darkness, he knows.
He understands.
His eyes watch me.
His smile waits.
Fear engulfs me, drowing me,
Burying me.
All around me, my world is
Ripping, tearing at the seams.
My family is falling apart.
Anger burns inside me.
My father is losing heart.
Fear seeps in,
Drip by drip by unstoppable drip.
My family pulls away.
I watch them.
Darkness watches them.
And waits.
My heart slowly dies.
As I watch my father, it dies.
As I watch his struggle, knowing I'm at fault,
My heart dies.
As I hear his moan, and know I'm killing him,
I fade just a little more.
As I watch him cry, and know I'm helpless,
I step nearer the edge.
Darkness moves closer,
But I push him away.
Fear has almost covered me.
Like an hourglass of sand, it's burying me.

I watch from its glass prison:
My father is a wraith.
His eyes are haunted,
His face is gray.
I remember the days before.
I can still hear his laughter.
But now, the house is silent.
Quiet.
Dead.
I hear him weep.
The last piece left of my heart falls away.
All that's left is a hole.
The ghost of my father,
What's left of him,
Haunts me.
His moans follow me.
His tears drown me.
I can't breath.
I can't scream.
I can't cry.
My tears are frozen in my heart.
My scream catches on my lips.
And my father looks at me.
Dead, blue eyes.
Memories press on my skull.
My father watches me.
I can't yell, tell him to stop.
His gaze sees my soul.

Darkness offers his hand.
The sands of despair have choked me;
I grab that destitute hand,
And he pulls me to him.

Peace.
Calm.
I'm wrapped in Darkness' arms.
Quiet.
Serene.
My father's ghost is gone.


Deco

Decipher ym words.
Can uyo learn ym language?
Do uyo dare to step inside ym world?
Can uyo bear ym pain?
Or will uyo scorn ym shame?
Will uyo learn ym language,
Set me free?

Riddle through ym rhymes.
Can uyo find ym hidden meanings?
Can uyo try to see ym side?
Can uyo see past ym darkness,
And guide me to the light?

Piece together ym puzzle.
Can uyo bear ym pain?
Do uyo see the world through ym eyes?
Can uyo share ym shame?
Will uyo help me bear ym burden?
Will uyo guide me through ym hell,
And onto the next side?

Decipher my words.
Riddle through my rhymes.
Piece together my puzzle.
Save me from my mind.


Dust Motes

Life is meaningless,
We eat, we sleep, we work.
Life is pointless.
We are born, we live, we die.
We were created from dust,
And to dust we return.
Forever the stars watch over us.
Forever they watch us rise and fall.
Empires rise under crystalline light,
And cities crumple under all seeing eyes.
Men are born, building up their
Personal empires under starry watch,
And are buried under a celestial gaze.
Life is meaningless.
It is a fruitless quest
Of treasures gained and wealth lost.
The dust of our ancestors
Mingles with the air of our lungs.
Like a flower,
We live for a day,
Breathe for a moment.
And the next we are
But the faintest memory in an old man’s mind.


Polar By Rain

It arcs across the sky,
Resplendent in gems.
It shivers through the rain,
Backed by stormy dark.
It’s bathed by golden light,
And dazzles lowly earth.
It sits high above and
Smiles down.

It arcs across the sky,
A grimace of brilliant pain.
It shivers in the rain,
Hiding in the storm.
It is scalded by the light,
And bleeds onto the earth,
Thrown high above and
Cries.


Sound-proof

I want to stand out in the rain.
I want to let it pour down my face.
I want to feel the thunder through
The soles of my feet.
I want to watch the wind whip the trees.
I want to feel the cold prickle of
Raindrops on my skin.
I want to stand in the middle of a
Deserted street and see nothing but rain.
I want to be completely alone,
Completely separated from the world
By the silvery veil of silence.
I want the peace found in the rain.


The End of Eden

Beauty surrounds me,
A garden of Eden,
A world of perfection.
Dew glistens on rosy petals,
And the soft whisper of water
Soothes my soul.
Moonlight, starlight trickles in
From the trees above,
And the air seems to glow in serenity.
The blossoms beckon me
With fragrant promises of love and life.
Their upturned faces draw me to them,
Draw me to touch their velvety lips.

One finger softly strokes the edge
Of one pale, delicate rose.
And wherever my fingertip kissed the surface,
Bruised destruction trails.
In this island of paradise,
My fingertip now burns.
In this land of perfection,
I freeze.
One flower petal lays yellowed and tarnished.
Its blemish points at me.
The water seems louder,
Rushing though my ears as this image of life
Withers at my touch.
The moonlight grows sharp;
I feel exposed.
I am a traitor in hallowed wood.
My offending hand curls in on itself,
But nothing can end what has begun.
Before horrified eyes,
Each blossom dies,
And my garden of Eden is moot.
Cinder for rose,
Ashes for velvet,
And the land of my heart is revealed.
By my heart beauty has died.
My hand, my heart with it fled.


Words

Words.
They’re everywhere.
Chasing me.
Biting me.
A million flying pages.
A million paper cuts.

Words,
Coming back to haunt me.
Things I said,
not thinking,
they follow me.

Words.
Why did I say those words?
Why couldn’t I just keep quiet?
Why did I have to bring them up?
Why didn’t I just leave it?

Words.
Said through my anger.
Lies.
Truth.
Flattery.
Tall Tales.
They’re all coming back now,
and I have nowhere to hide.

Words.
They’re everywhere.
Chasing me.
Biting me.
A million little slips.
A million more regrets.


Mirror Mirror

You.
You in the corner,
Turn around.
Turn around and look
At the monster you have made.
Do you see your face
When you look upon me?
Do you hear your raucous caw?
You.
Stop staring at the wall.
Face your Frankenstein.

I am mismatched,
Born of your darkness,
Aware of your folly.
I am years of bitterness,
Loneliness,
And dreams.
Why won't you look
At the thing you've created?
Why can't you face yourself?

I am left wandering the desolate plains
Of love and life and loss.
I am alone,
Afraid to reach out
Lest I become like you.
I don't want to end up staring at a wall,
Afraid to face my children.


Misunderstood

It's a silent killer,
Masked in the guise of moody artists,
Drunken authors,
Drugged singers.
It comes like a thief in the night,
Stealing joy and happiness and
Peace.
Its footsteps echo within the mind,
Making your heart race,
And your breath catch
As you wait for it to overtake you.
It plagues the nation,
Dances across TVs,
Stares out of billboards,
But no one understands it.
No one gets it...

Unless
They're the ones cursed.
Unless
They're the ones blown up in the tabloids,
Famous for each rehab clinic,
And infamous for each breakdown.
Unless
They're the ones on top of a building,
Ready to jump,
And ready to be free.
Unless
They're the girl with scars
All down her arms.
No one understands...

Unless
They're on the crazy pills.


Hour Glass

The sands of time swirl around me,
Grasping at my shirt, pulling at my hair.
My world is dissolving around me.
The pain has become unbearable,
A thousand daggers slicing through my soul.
Somehow, in the darkness, I see him.
Surrounded by doubt, I pick out his form.
The sands blur my eyes, old then new.
I cannot focus on his face,
And my heart cries out.
“Why did you leave me?”
Sand bites into my skin; hot tears cover wrinkled cheeks.
“Why did you let me suffer?”
My tears are sticky.
Despair, anger, guilt, shame join the whirling winds.
I watch him slowly smile and my broken heart
Shatters with its bitter-sweet beauty.

Time freezes.

All I can see is his faint glow.
Crystals of sand hang between us.
“Little one, who are you to question me?”
His voice sends shivers down my spine.

My heart shudders, and my tears slip down.
“Answer me. Am I not good enough?
Why are you letting this happen?”
My words are wordless; the darkness swallows it whole.

He smiles again, but his eyes are hard.
“Where were you when I made the earth?
Did you measure out the dimensions?
Hold the ruler?
Do you know what it’s set on?
Or were you there to set it?
Did you pull back the oceans, weave together the clouds,
Paint the night sky?
Were you there?
Do you tell the sun and moon where to go?
Do you know every inch of this world?”
His eyes watch mine.
My breath is ragged; my voice is gone.
“Have you seen where the snow is kept?
Do you know where hail is hidden?
Or where light is born?
Or where darkness and night reside?
Of course you do! You were alive then.”
My suspended body flinches;
I cannot look at him.
“Where is lightning made?
Do you know how?
Where do the winds come from?
Do you plot the path of the storm, or the rains?
Do you give life to the desert
And save cities from floods?
Who is the father of the rain?
Do you know him?”

The sands of time shimmer in his glow,
And I hang my head.
I cannot look at him.
My anger seems small now.
It seems misplaced.
I cannot look at him.
Suspended in time,
He waits for my response.


Tropical Dreams

A cool breeze dances through my open window.
I can feel it softly touch my cheek.
Birds sing a greeting to the new day,
their voices wild and free.
My mind is stuck in a dream of a place
far away where green leaves cast
tropical light over everything.
I can taste the Caribbean ocean on this breeze,
And my ears are waiting to hear the rooster crow.
I wait for the sound of dogs,
Wait to hear the sound of cars,
I dream of a sky painted at dawn,
Painted coral against a fuschia background,
Swept lightly across the sky.
And while I know I'm laying in a bed in a sleepy little town,
Waiting to go to class,
I feel the tug of that country,
Pulling me back.
I feel its arms around me,
Bringing me back to my tropical home.

I hear the coo of the dove now.
A few hours have passed.
My country has left me to my day,
But its hooks are in my heart.
The cool breeze brushes me again,
And dances on the waves of my memory.
My island of escape is gone for now,
Lost to memory until I have need of it again.


Remembrance

A porch swing rocks slowly
In a forgotten breeze.
Days long past float
In the last rays of sunshine,
Remembering.
Remembering that first summer love
As it danced under the stars,
As it splashed through the creek,
As it slept in lover's arms...
Remembering that first summer love.

The stars slowly pop out,
One at a time.
Their silvery faces look down
On the hidden places of that summer love.
The hidden desire,
The hidden glance,
The hidden love beginning to bloom.
The stars look down and smile,
Remembering.

As the moon slowly rises,
Her bright light bathes
The porch in silver glow.
The world is gilded
In her rays,
And she remembers that summer love
Take a knee
And change to forever in her gaze.


Twilight

Inspired by the painting “Nature’s Scream”

It is the time,
Just before dark,
Just after light,
As the sky is slashed with red.

It is the scream of my soul,
The cry of nature,
As the sun vanishes behind hills.

Time has stopped,
Stuck on this moment,
Hovering between life and death,
Darkness and Light.

Desolation bleeds from a canvas
Bruised by despair
And bloody terror.

Everything is waiting,
Breath held,
Caught between the times,
Listening to the scream.


Her Angel

It's 2 am. I hear the clock ticking above my bed. The light from the hallway brushes your cheek. You are my angel, softly sleeping in my arms. Gently I kiss your cheek, right next to your birthmark, and you snore softly. Your smell overwhelms me, a mixture of syrup and pancakes and warm milk. For a moment, I pause, caught in the wonder of you.

12 hours. You've only known me for 12 hours, but I have known you forever. I memorized black and white pictures that held snapshots in time. I knew your face, before I ever saw you. I knew just how your nose turns up, just how you smile, before daylight ever did. Now that I see you, those pictures look like childish drawings. How can they ever compare to the perfection I hold? You wake, deep blue eyes scrunched as you begin to cry. Then you are quiet once again as you eat. Little fingers curl and open, and I try not to cry. I am in heaven.

The nurse comes in to do her rounds. You are asleep, but she promises to take care of you. Fear grips me, but I let you go. She has a job to do and I know you’ll be fine. After a while, she asks to play with you a little longer. She says that you’re a beautiful baby, and so sweet. My heart tightens, but I say yes. I will need all the sleep I can get. Later, I find out she just lost her baby before she ever got to meet it. I can see the pain in her eyes, and I am stunned. Every day, she is reminded of what she will never have. I hold you closer, hurting for her. For a moment, we have shared you. Then, you are back in my arms, warm and sleepy and beautiful and mine.

Reality begins to settle as your fingers curl around mine. The nurse is not alone. You, in all your perfection, might never have been. Tears well in my eyes as I run a finger down your arm. Such perfection, and I nearly gave it all up for vanity and fear. The night is young, but the weight of your life ages me. I am no longer the care-free girl I was. I see you, I feel your breaths against my chest, and the weight of it all falls. I’ve had you for 14 hours, yet it already feels like a lifetime. You are my world now. You are my everything. I hold you closer and you burrow your face into the crook of my arm. Reality has changed, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything. My beautiful angel, I promise you. I wouldn’t trade this moment for the few I might have had. You, lost in the sleep of newborns, are the only thing that matters.


Welcome to the New Milennium

It scares me,
This reality I face.
This world and its cruel rules
Have crippled my soul.
Success is measured by paper,
White and green.
One is edged in gold
And signed in black.
The other is slender,
Symbolic and mighty.
Both will be the death of me,
Now that I face this reality.

Success.
My mind was not made to revolve around
Success,
If it is measured by these rules.
For the price I stand to pay,
Success is not very successful.
For the price I will pay
To play to the standards of this world,
Success is overrated.
Who decides the worth of one person?
Who says where their value lies?
Why does the cookie cutter image
Exclude everyone who doesn’t bow down to an image
Of paper?

My soul is not made
For the trappings of this world.
It cannot bear the price I now pay.
Is a life worth a life,
If it has yet to live?
Is esteem so much better
Than the life it would take?
My mind fights my truth
As reality sets in.

The world fights back with its logic.
I’m drowning amongst paper and stares,
Waiting for my promised success.

No, I cannot live for their rules.
I cannot be bound by their fear.
It will be what will be,
And my values will hold the choices I make.
Look down on me, Traditional World.
Look down on my lack of success.
I have no regrets,
If reality is real,
Because life is worth more than some school and a bill.
Life will be what will be,
But success will not rule me.



Impressum

Tag der Veröffentlichung: 02.01.2012

Alle Rechte vorbehalten

Widmung:
To my parents, who loved and endured me through all my trials. To my husband and my son, who rescued me from my fears.