UNO
Today is day uno. One. Un. Yes… It's the beginning of the middle, the end of the start.
The walls are watching me, did you know? The clowns are laughing behind them, behind the walls. They want me to WRITE, they say. Forever alone, and now they want me to write. Write what comes to my mind. Don’t they know I’m crazy?
The door laughs at me. It tells funny jokes, but the bunny doesn’t laugh. He sits in the corner and stares. His nails are painted yellow today. Have you ever seen a bunny with yellow nails? I wonder… Oh dinner is here, served to the queen by two flying monkeys.
One, two, three, four million and fifty two.
The clowns came today. They changed their pants. They aren’t blue polka dot anymore, they’re GREEN! GREEN! Their legs look like skinny trees, growing backwards. Why would a tree grow backwards? The door is laughing again. They asked me questions. SO MANY QUESTIONS. And I laughed. I’m invisible. King Clown with his big stump trees tried to punch the queen, but how do you punch a cloud? My face is singing and ringing and the bunny’s tooth is blue.
Tell us your name? Anne of Green Gables. Queen Elizabeth the Dirty. Martha Stewart. They liked that one, and I pulled out my blonde wig and my christmas centerpiece. Finger centerpieces break easy.
Where is Annie Bordoski? Annie, Annie, sat on her fanny drinking curds and whey. Along came a spider and sat down beside her and carried miss Annie away!
Who did you kill? Two, four, six trees, and a spider and a bunny and a laughing door and the walls can talk, did you know that? They TALK now, not just watch. They can’t watch anymore. I poked out all their eyes but I haven’t killed them yet.
They forgot that I’m invisible, I think. They thought I was slow, but is fog slow? I drifted between their green stumpy smelly forest and broke the trees. They didn’t ask any more questions.
Annie, Annie, sat on her fanny drinking curds and whey. Along came a spider who sat down beside her and carried miss annie away!
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Crazy. Did you know that I’m crazy? They say I’m crazy, the whispering walls. I’ve poked their eyes out, all four million and fifty two, but they grow new ones. Their mouths hide behind the gray and I can’t get to them. They make me so ANGRY. Don’t they know I am the queen? Don’t they know who Anne of Green Gables is? The door has died. I killed it after it said another knock knock joke, but the bunny is my only friend. His two teeth are blue and red, and his nails are green. He is my only friend. He doesn’t talk. He doesn’t remind me of the trees and the spider and the ghosts and the little orphan annie.
The clowns came today. Different clowns. These were juggler clowns, with LONG stripey legs and no eyes and big mouths. These clowns scared me. They juggled knifes and tried to catch the queen of shadows. Don’t they know I’m invisible? I’m crazy. I’ve got to be crazy.
Who are you? THE QUEEN IN THE NIGHT. MURDERER OF WALLS AND DOORS AND TREES. I’m your mama. One of the clowns didn’t like that answer. My second centerpiece is broken now, and it hurts too much to fix it.
Where is Annie Bordoski? You say her name wrong. It’s Anne Bordeaux. It’s fucking French. B O R D E A U X. You must be stupid. I’m crazy, but not stupid. My first centerpiece is shattered. When did the floor become my friend? He’s so comfortable the floor. I don’t remember, but I can spell.
Who did you kill? Your mama. The glittering knives juggle a pretty ribbon on my legs. Pretty red ribbons. At least it doesn’t hurt.
They’re gone now. I don’t know when they left. I don’t remember. Even the bunny laughed this time.
I wonder how dark it is outside. My walls tell me it’s noon, so it must be dark. My walls, they tell me all sorts of things, mostly about the clowns.
My walls say the clowns are fake. Fake as a rake on a snake. fake fake fake. Porcelain faces hidden behind masks on top of blue and green trees. Who ever thought trees could have arms and legs? Maybe they do. I’ve never seen the top of the really tall trees. That must be why we chop
chop
chop chop chop chop chop chop chop chop chop chop.
The walls, they tell me that they have no eyes, no ears, but they lie. I’ve found their voices in the cracks and creases of the walls. They whisper quiet things. But don’t they know, I am the queen. How dare they whisper about me? Cut of their heads. CUT OFF THEIR HEADS! Alice, can I follow you down your rabbit hole? Is that where you came from, bunny?
He just smiles at me, his teeth red and his nails black. Black like the eyes in the wall.
silent
i
go
down
That is what the walls say. The door is dead, but sometimes I think he still laughs at me. He laughs a creaky laugh when they come in, but it’s been DAYS. DAYS AND DAYS AND DAYS AND DAYS AND DAYS AND DAYS AND DAYS. Days…that’s spelled funny. At least I can spell.
The queen I had toast and mud and worms for breakfast. There was murky poo water too, but I didn’t drink it. The walls, they warned me. They told me of the clowns’ tricks. They told me of before, before the magic stones were cast across the plate of my poo water. Before, they tell me, I wasn’t crazy. Crazy CRAZY crazy CRAZY
crazy
crazy
CRAZY CRAZY CRAZY
Annie, Annie, sat on her fanny, drinking curds and whey. Along came a spider who sat down beside her and carried miss annie away.
How much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck had no wood?
The door would know. He died and the wood chuck ate him up.
They came today, clowns dressed in green again. Their masks were ugly, though. The queen didn’t like them masks. They were ugly, frowning faces pasty white in the light from the sky. The sky is just above my head, did you know? It is grey and bright. But their faces weren’t. They were pasty white, like prickly balls of dough. I wanted to knead the dough, but the biggest clown slapped me with a rubber chicken.
Who do you work for? they screamed and the walls laughed. Myself, me, and I. The bunny there is my boss, and he wears a much prettier face than you.
Where is Annie Bordoski? Anne Bordeaux, you fucking idiots. Get my name right. I’m right in front of you. Do you like my pretty freckles? Is my hair still red? The clowns they laugh at me and the little one with the big hands and dough face breaks three candles by my broken centerpiece.
Tell us what you stole? My sanity. Did you find it? The walls they tell me you steal it with little circles of white. Did you steal my sanity too? I think I might need it, or else I’ll have to kill the door again.
The clowns didn’t like that. Their ugly masks get uglier and then the sun goes out. See? It is dark at noon. You can’t laugh at me now, walls. I was am right. That’s right clowns.
Run
Away
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I don’t know what day it is, or how long I’ve been here. It’s the first time in a while that the light has been turned on.
I don’t know where I am, or why I’m here, but this journal scares me. I don’t remember writing this, but I can tell from the cell around me that it was me. The door is covered in chicken scrawl. Knock knock jokes, I think, though most of them are scratched out. The gray bricks around me are scratched, and a thousand lead eyes watch me as I write this. Blood is all over the floor, and my nails are gone. My fingertips are gone. It hurts so much to write this, but I have to. I have to prove I’m not insane. I need to keep my sanity. I have to get out. My fingers hurt too badly.
C. B.
They found me. they found me. Hidden on top of the ceiling, my Icharus wings melting from the sun. They are happy the masked clowns. Something in here made them happy happy happy but I am not. They smiled when they gave you back to me. I was on the ceiling hiding from them, hiding in my mind, and they shot me. THEY SHOT ME. Blue fire ate my body and I fell, my wings burning in the sun and the fire and the laughter of the walls.
And now I’m crazy. Crazy crazy crazy crazy. I am the queen and the queen is crazy. Bloody worms drip their spit on my page, stupid worms. Can I kill them, please, my queen? I just want to kill them. They’re messing up my pretty pretty page… My centerpieces, my Martha Stewart creations, are broken. Why are they attached to my hand? They make the worms bleed…
The door is singing now. The clowns came back.
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Annie, Annie, sat on her fanny, sipping on curds and whey. Along came a spider and sat down beside her and carried miss annie away.
far
far
far
away
I want to go too. I don’t want to be with the clowns anymore.
The bunny talks to the walls. I hate him. He was my friend, but he tells them lies about me.
I heard him while I was sleeping. He told them I killed myself. He told them I was a liar and crazy. Crazy? I’m not crazy. I am the queen, and I can’t be crazy.
He whispers through those ugly purple teeth of his, his eyes glowing with lies. He says the spider bit me and that the door is funny. He is a liar. I want to kill him, just like I killed myself. Why won’t he just fly away into the sky? It’s not so far away, and then maybe his wings will burn too. I will give him mine, and then he’ll die. dead dead deader than a doornail. dead dead dead dead
Why is he a liar? He was my only friend. Even the walls hate me. He listens to me tell him things. He listened listens when I tell him about the queen. When I tell him that she died of a spider bite, he doesn’t laugh. I hear the walls laugh behind their eyes. But it’s TRUE!
TRUE TRUE
TRUE TRUE
TRUE
TRUE TRUE
TRUE TRUE
Stupid rabbit. Now I have to kill him, too. He’s telling my secrets. What friend does that? A crazy friend. I’ll paint his teeth black and his nails pink, and I’ll feed him to the wall for that.
Annie, Annie sat on her fanny eating curds and whey. Along came a spider and sat down beside her and buried miss annie away.
The bunny sits in my corner. He watches them come in. I just want to wri
They don’t like my writing. The clowns keep filling my belly with blue fire. I watch them, with their LONG clear claws. Their claws hurt like a spider bite. Why are they biting me? My belly hurts from the fire. No, not my belly. My head. Why are bellies and head the same? They both get bellyaches.
The bunny has a new friend. I can’t kill him now. He comes ever day and sits in the empty corner, just watching me. He’s here now, watching me write. My worms hurt on the ends of my hands and his eyes make them hurt worse. Why won’t he go away…
He’s not a clown. I know the clowns. He is different. Ugly in a pretty way. I wouldn’t mind the bunny’s new friend, but he doesn’t talk and his eyes are fire. The walls whisper to him. Please don’t tell him my secret. I didn’t mean to bite her. I didn’t mean to bury her. It was an accident. I will kill the walls and the bunny, and the pretty ugly will go away with his fire eyes.
Annie, annie, sat on her fanny puking curds and whey. Along came a spider and burned miss annie away.
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I know how to kill the bunny and the clown who’s not a clown. I know how. Only one clown came today. His trees were black and there was a branch on the top. The branch is nice and heavy, like a noodle. They took him away with blue fire in his belly and his claw in his tree trunk neck. I’m tired of spider bites. Now he has it in his belly.
Or was it his head? The queen I don’t care. He screamed a pretty serenade, and I eat my toast and mud and worms in peace. Maybe the walls will tell me a secret tonight. Maybe I will listen. But tomorrow, the bunny and the fire eyes will die. The branch tells me so.
Three days. I counted this time. They bring me peanut butter toast and chicken noodle soup for breakfast and lunch, and at dinner I get tea. The whispers still plague me, but I remembered the pills and poured the tea down the drain. I’m not sure what they expect to get out of me. These crazy ramblings make no sense, and this is the first time I’ve been sane in God knows how long.
My fingers are stiff but healing. As long as I don’t bend my middle finger, I can write all right. When I first woke up, I reset it, and breakfast and lunch were cold when I woke up. I let the roaches have it. They were more hungry than I was.
I don’t remember how I got here, and I don’t know who I am. The walls have Arabic and English and French scrawled across them, but that tells me nothing. “La fin est proche.” “The end is coming.” “Saignet et meurent, ou vous serez obliés.” That one is harder. I think it is “Bleed and die, or be forgotten.” The Arabic looks strange:
مرحبا بكم في الجحيم
Where am I?
The door is ope
THEY SHOT ME! THE QUEEN WAS SHOT AND THE BUNNY LAUGHED! i will kill them all, just like i killed alice and the spider killed annie. i will fly to the sky and pour their poo water over fire eyes’ head and pray he goes crazy too. the walls, they whisper to me that the claws are the blue fire and the clowns hold the key. the clowns make me crazy, so crazy
crazy
crazy
crazy crazy crazy.
i will kill them all. kill all of them with my branch. i will knead their dough faces into the blood on the sky and the walls can whisper about killing the bunny. i will be crazy. crazycrazycrazycrazy
annie annie sat on her fanny eating her curds and whey. along came a spider who sat down beside her and she beat the bitch away.
one, two, three billion and twenty nine. three dead all bashed in the head. blue fire green fire red fire gray. i’m funnier than the clowns who ran away!
old fire eyes is dead in the corner, his smile exploding across his face. does he like the queen my show? does he like it? maybe he is a friend. the walls and their eyes watch loudly. three dead ALL BASHED IN THE HEAD and I’ve got a pretty cannon, too. one two buckle my shoe. two more next to the branch under my bed of a thousand mattresses. see alice, annie really is a queen? i feel the trees under a thousand mattresses.
BANG BANG BANG
i love my black bricks. another clown is gone screaming. he door is pretty, cinnamon red. does it like its new paint? the bunny dips his nails in the paint and smiles. my friend is back, and the door can’t tell jokes with red paint on its face. trees and branches and fire and wings
WHERE ARE MY WINGS howcaniflyawaywithoutmywings
i won’t be like ICARUS i swear i just want to get away the walls tell me its hell and i just want to fly can i fly into the sky please i wont go near the sun where are my WINGS I AM THE QUEEN
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crazycrazycrazycrazycrazycrazycrazycrazycrazycrazycrazycrazycrazycrazycrazycrazycrazycrazycrazycrazycrazycrazycrazycrazycrazycrazycrazycrazycrazycrazy
Did you know that I’m crazy? The wall shot me today, just when I started to build my wings. I didn’t know the wall had arms. Did you? The bunny laughed and I shot him. The fire burns. My head has a belly and my belly is full of worms. So crazy…
They came back after they shot me. The fire burned through my fingers and my nose, and they stood at the door, who looks like a princess in red. The door is my princess and I am the queen.
Who is Annie Bordoski? I am Anne Bordeaux.
Where is Annie Bordoski? Dead and burning and puking and choking
Who killed Anni Bordoski? I killed her.
Why? She was crazy. Did you know the queen was crazy? We can’t have crazy queens. I killed her but the spider got to her first.
Who do you work for? The spider told me that I work for the bunny, but the walls say I work for fire eyes.
How old are you?
I don’t have a tongue. Don’t they know I can’t answer if I have no tongue? One clown has no more face. My branch kneaded his face when he got near my wings. It should make a very pretty cinnamon bread. The door has more paint. Hopefully it will stay quiet. I don’t like it laughing at me.
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
1
That’s how many came to visit me today. He had a pretty air wall in front of him. I wanted it, but he wouldn’t let me have it. He wouldn’t let me see if he was a clown either. I just wanted to take off his mask. If Annie Anne had asked him, he would have let her see. I just wanted to see. Black is a bad color. Red is so much prettier, but my bricks are gone and my door has faded to brown. Brown is an ugly color. And it smells. It smells like roses and cinnamon and fire eyes. The bunny won’t look at me.
LOOK AT ME! I’M THE QUEEN! LOOK AT ME!
It’s ok. I’m saving him for lasties. My branch is still pretty and red, even if the almost clown didn’t let me paint it again. Instead, I dumped my poo water on him. Poo on you, poo on you. The queen says so, and the walls agree.
He looked nicer than the clowns, though. Maybe I won’t kill him. Or won’t kill him with the branch. The branch only likes bread and cinnamon and fire. No more blue fire. I need to work on my wings.
Annie annie sits on her fanny killing curds and whey. Along came a spider who sat down beside her and carried miss annie away.
They know
Ohgodtheyknow
How did they know? How did they know to look in the cracks? I am CRAZY but how did they know?
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how did they see the cracks?
Wings are pretty, even when noon is dark. I wonder if the queen will fly away to the cinnamon door where the walls don’t laugh at her.
The clowns don’t come anymore, and the poo water mixes pretty with the paint on the floor. They know that my branch is hungry. The almost clown comes again and I can’t get through his air wall. Why won’t he show me his face?
I AM THE FUCKING QUEEN! SHOW HIM MY FACE! I AM THE QUEEN!
He says 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 clowns are with fire eyes. 8 clowns have no more trees. I chopped them down and they can’t stand up any more. I broke their porcelain faces and chopped them down, and they won’t come see me anymore. He says I will build my wings for two more days, a noon and afternoon, and then I will leave my whispering walls and my bunny friend and my cinnamon painted door.
The walls screamed when he left and the bunny won’t look at me. Am I crazy? I want to go through the door.
The queen will survive. Annie Annie Annie on her fanny. I never knew the spider, but they the clowns think I did. Don’t they know that I’m crazy? crazy crazy crazy. So so crazy.
At least the walls are loudly silent and the bunny has stopped painting his nails. Green didn’t go with the blue fire freezing my belly. Poo water on him. One day and the queen is free.
My wings are done and the walls are still loud. I scratch out their eyes and their truthful lies. crazy crazy crazy… I’m going to fly today. Far far away, just like Annie Bordoski. They got my name wrong. It’s Anne Bordeaux. I hate the clowns. I hope they send the almost clown.
Don’t they know I’m crazy?
April 24, 2010
At 0800 hours, Subject 34 was terminated. CD-147 was effective. However, did not yield the results desired. Journal is evidence of insanity. Alphabet code leaves doubt to full effects.
Violence was unusual. Total of 8 dead. CD-147 tests halted until further analysis.
Three months until funding is pulled. Must have CD-147 ready for Secretary of State. Subject 35 is ready for initiation.
Agent 728
Sector 7
Impressum
Tag der Veröffentlichung: 05.03.2011
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