Who am I?? Really??

I wish there was another time. I wish there was another place. Where I can just go alone to get away from all this pain. I’ve carried this pain for years and years. And it just refuses to disappear. People think that I’m fine when I’m not. All they insist on seeing is a bright, happy, cheerful, intelligent girl. They may see me on the outside like that. But they will never understand the inside. For almost 17 years it’s been nothing but a constant war inside me. Between who I am and who I want to be. People think that I’m understanding and too nice. But the thing is, is that people don’t know who I really am.

I don’t even know who I really am. And it’s frustrating. The only thing that I know is that I’m a girl who’s been hurt, torn, scarred, abused, and tortured. I’ve lived half my life not knowing who I am. And it’s been hard. Yeah I may have great friends. The best ones that I could ever ask for. But they don’t even know the whole story. And if I told them some of the stuff that happened. They wouldn’t believe me. They would have to be there in that moment in time to actually see it with their own eyes to believe it. In my life I have experienced death, and loss, and pain. In this world I have never felt any weaker, but also I’ve never felt stronger. Because I know that some how, some way this world has made room for me. And now it’s my turn to find out just what that is. To find who I really am.

And just not the girl inside that hides from the rest of the world. The real me. And I won’t stop until I do find her. I’ve been searching to hard and to long to give up now. I will find her. I will find who I really am inside. I will find myself once again. And this time I will not lose her. My name is Sara and I'm 16 going on 17 years old. I'm not your normal average teenager. I keep to myself have little friends. Even then my friends don't understand me half the time. There once was one who truly use to understand me. His name was Kevin. Kevin and I were like brother and sister. But then over time be became more then that. And now it's fall again and it's time to start school, and Kevin is..........different. I don’t know how to explain it. We started dating at the beginning of the summer and things were going well, but then his brother came back in to town from college and it just made him uneasy. We use to go to his house after school every Thursday, but now we don’t anymore. Every time I even want to mention it he says no. We hardly ever talk anymore. It’s like he’s hiding something from me. And it hurts because we use to be like brother and sister. I would trust him with my life. And now he’s just ignoring me. And not talking to me unless he has to. And even then he only talks about how I’m doing or about school. He talks about anything other then himself or his family.

I want to help him. But he just won’t let me. He tells me that I wouldn’t understand. And that I would end up getting hurt in the end. This morning I was getting ready for school when I got a text from him that said “Going out of town for a while. Stay safe. I’ll be back as soon as I can.” I texted him back and asked him how long he thinks he’d be gone. But I got no reply back. I tried calling his phone and it said that the number I had reached was disconnected. I was really confused and worried. I couldn’t focus on school at all. That was the last thing on my mind. I wanted to know what had happened to my brother. My best friend. The one I fell in love with. I was going to find out some answers one way or another.

The Visit

I tried calling Kevin again but still nothing. I’m really worried about him. I go to school the next day and it actually went by fast. Which was good. I decided to pay Kevin’s family a little visit. I walked to his house and it looked like no one was home. I rang the doorbell 4 times. I tried the door knob and it was unlocked. Which was not like Kevin’s family at all. I walked in. Everything was dark in the room. I heard something coming from his living room. I walked quietly and finally found the light switch. I flipped it on and was just about to say hello when I found Kevin’s brother leaned over a teenage girl’s body. And blood was dripping from his hands. And his eyes were definitely not human. I opened my mouth to scream, but nothing came out. I was frozen like a statue. I couldn’t move and I couldn’t speak. I saw Kevin’s brother move out of my sight, and next thing I know I felt a sharp pain in the back of my head and then everything went black.

My head really hurt when I woke up. I heard voices to the left of me. I looked over and Kevin was there. But he was with his brother. I quickly sat up. And just as quickly I regretted it. Kevin turned around and looked at me with sorry eyes. I didn’t know what to do. All I could think about is that I had to get out of here. Kevin started walking towards me and I yelled. He stopped immediately in his tracks. He put his hands up in defeat. And said, “Sara I’m not going to hurt you. I would never hurt you. I’m still me. I’m Kevin. Your best friend. I know that everything is confusing for you right now.

And I want to help clear that up. I want to tell you what happened.” Kevin’s brother looked at him and said “Kevin. Don’t you dare. You know that’s against the rules. You know what would happen if you did.” Kevin looked back at his brother and said “Yes I do know. And frankly I don’t care. Sara is a wonderful girl. And I’ve loved her since I met her. I did what mom and dad suggested. Try and stay away from her because my feelings were getting to strong. But now I realize that I don’t care. All I can think about is Sara. All I care about anymore is Sara. I can’t live without her. And you’ve seen that. So you of all people would know Brandon.”

He looked at Kevin for a moment and then nodded his head. Kevin looked back to me. And started walking towards me again. This time I wasn’t so afraid of him. But his brother terrified me. I couldn’t even look at his brother. Kevin reached me and sat down beside me. He looked me in the eyes and said “Sara you have no idea how sorry I am for lying to you. I’m sorry for what my brother did. But now I want to tell you the truth. So there will be no more confusion. And there will be no more pain and suffering between us. How can I put this the easy way?? …………….Sara…………….I…I….My…..”

Why is this happening to me?

Kevin put his arm around me to comfort me because I was afraid of what he was going to say. He said “Sara I know that there are scared and you don’t understand a lot of things, but I want to try and help you understand the best I can.” I nodded my head. He looked at his brother and then back to me and said “Sara I’m a shape shifter” I looked at him and started laughing. He looked at his brother and his brother was grinning. I said “Yeah. Good one Kevin. Now what’s really going on?” He looked at me and said “Sara I’m serious. I can even show you. My mom is a deer and my mom is a tiger and my dad is a jaguar. I’m a snow leopard. My brother is the only one that is different because he’s not my true brother. We adopted him. And we didn’t know what he was until he was in his teens.” I looked at Brandon and Brandon waved at me and smiled. I felt an ice cold shiver run down my back. Kevin looked at Brandon and said “Please don’t do that. Why don’t you just explain instead of trying to creep her out or confuse her even more.” Brandon looked at me and then to Kevin and nodded his head. He then looked at me and said “Sara I’m not a shape shifter like the rest of my family. I was adopted at a very young age.

I don’t know where I originally come from or who my real parents are, but all I know is that Kevin and his family are the only family that I’ve ever had. And they’re the closest thing I’ll ever have. Over the years Kevin has become like a brother to me and my adopted parents are like real parents to me. I don’t know why they adopted me but I thank them for that because if they hadn’t I don’t know what would’ve become of me.” I looked at Kevin and he nodded in encouragement for me to keep listening. Brandon continued “Sara I’m a vampire. Not like the ones that are evil and from the movies and stuff. But I’m an honest to god vampire.” I looked at him and then at Kevin. Kevin closed his eyes and nodded. Then said, “It’s true. I’ve seen it for myself. And when you walked in you saw it to. And then when you felt that cold shiver down your spine.

He did that. He can make you feel emotions. And you will think that those emotions are real.” Brandon spoke up and said “In one way being a vampire can be useful but in another it’s horrible. The lives that I have to take just to stay alive. When I see the light disappear from their eyes…….it’s something you’ll never forget. It’s something that will always haunt you.” He closed his eyes and put his hands on his face and slid down the wall into a crouch. Kevin got up and walked over to him and started patting his shoulder while whispering. Kevin whispered something else to Brandon and he looked up at me. I looked at Brandon. Brandon nodded and got up. He started walking over towards me. And I didn’t know what to do. Brandon sat down all the way at the end of the couch and did make any other movements. I looked at Kevin and he nodded. I looked back at Brandon and he smiled and said “You’re afraid of me. That doesn’t surprise me. But I’m not going to hurt you. I would never hurt you. You’re like family to us. I’m sorry for what happened but I kind of freaked out and instead of thinking before I did, I just did. And then when I realized what I had done. I called Kevin immediately. And he came here as soon as he could. I really am sorry. It was not right for me to have done that. And I know that Kevin is still upset with me. And I don’t know how to make it up to him or to you. I………I’m more sorry then you will ever know.” With that said he put his hands back on his face and did move or make a sound. I looked at Kevin and he said “When vampires hurt the ones they care about or the ones they love, they are very mad at themselves. It’s what I call an inner war with themselves. They fight with themselves because they may want to do what’s right but what’s right generally will not be in their nature or their instincts. So it causes a conflict. He’s trying to do what’s right and he’s having to fight because it’s not in his nature.

Vampires are supposed to be creatures of the night. And destroy human souls and take lives. Well Brandon is not like that. But that’s only because he’s fighting against his instincts. And it’s very hard. I see him struggle all the time.” I look at Brandon and for once I really do believe what they are saying. I believe them because I can see Brandon struggling. I can see that he’s in pain. Brandon looked up at me. I looked at him. His face looks shocked. I look at Kevin and he looks confused. Brandon spoke up and said “How……you……..why……….you do understand don’t you? How is that even possible?” He looked at Kevin and said “I can feel her sympathy for me. And she does understand how much I hurt. How is that possible? Unless…….” Kevin looked at Brandon and said “No. It can’t be. I don’t understand how it could be.” Brandon looked at me and said “Sara would you do me a favor if I asked?” I looked at Kevin.

Kevin looked at me with fear in his eyes and then nodded. I looked at Brandon and said “Yes. I guess.” Brandon smiled and said “I want to do an experiment. Will you please help me?” I nodded my head yes. So he continued “Would you be willing to kiss me?” I looked at him like he was crazy. And Kevin spoke up and said “Brandon. Why are you doing this? I don’t even think it’s possible.” Brandon looked at him and said “I think it is because otherwise I wouldn’t be able to feel her emotions as clearly.” Kevin nodded his head. So Brandon turned back to me. I looked at him. Brandon said “It’s just a little test to see if you feel something and if I feel something.” Kevin chuckled and said “Yeah. That’s putting it lightly Brandon. What he’s trying to say is that 1 out of a 100 vampires ever find their mates. The ones that they are suppose to be with forever.

And Brandon thinks that it might be you. But the only true way to find out is if you guys kiss and you guys feel something. And by something I mean something like that is not even normal when you kiss a person.” I looked at him and said “Are you serious?” He nodded his head. I looked back to Brandon and he said “Don’t worry. If nothing happens we can just forget about it and move on with our lives.” I nodded my head and said “Alright. I guess I can do it.” Brandon smiled and scooted over towards me on the couch. He cradled my face in his hands and I closed my eyes. His lips met mine and the minute they did my blood felt like it was boiling under my skin on my lips. He moved his hands to my waist and pulled me closer. I put my arms around his neck. He bit my lip and I granted him entry. The minute our tongues met I felt and electrical charge.

I didn’t want to stop kissing him. A wave of heat and passion swept over me. I don’t understand why I’m feeling this way about Brandon. I use to feel this way about Kevin, but with Brandon it’s so much stronger. Brandon finally broke the kiss and when he did I wasn’t sitting on the couch anymore. I was sitting in his lap. He kissed me one more time. I looked at Kevin and he looked like he was going to cry. He looked at me with sadness and anger in his eyes. Brandon looked at Kevin and said “I’m so sorry Kevin. I know how you felt about her, but I know what I felt when I kissed her and I’m sure she felt the same thing. Didn’t you Sara?” I looked at him and then at Kevin and said “Kevin I’m so….so sorry. But when I kissed you over the summer yeah I felt something, but when I kiss Brandon I feel my blood boil under my skin and I feel heat and passion that I’ve never felt before with anybody. I still love Kevin. You’re still like a brother to me and you’ll always be like that.”

He nodded his head and Brandon patted him on his back. Kevin backed away from us and said “I think I’m going to go get some fresh air.” Brandon agreed, so Kevin went out the front door. Brandon looked back at me and smiled. I couldn’t help but smile back. He grabbed my hands and pulled me up so I could stand up. But as soon as I was standing he picked me up and twirled me around. I couldn’t help but laugh. But deep inside I still felt bad for what this did to Kevin. Kevin is still really important to me. Now what do I do?

I don't want to lose you!

Kevin and I haven’t spoken since the day he found out about Brandon and I. I can tell that he’s really upset with me and that he’s hurt, but I don’t know what to do. I still love him but in a different way. Like a brother. And that doesn’t seem to be enough for him so he’s just ignoring me every chance he gets. I want to talk to him and straighten this all out, but he’s not even giving me the chance………….As I’m walking to my locker I see him coming my direction. I look at him and wave. He looks at me with daggers in his eyes and then he walks right passed me. I turn back and I follow him to his locker. He notices and turns around and says “Why are you following me?” I look at him and say “Kevin I know that you’re mad at me and I know that your hurt. I didn’t even know that this would happen with your brother. Just because I’m with your brother doesn’t mean that I don’t want to still be your best friend. You are like a brother to me, and I don’t want to lose you.” He looked at me and his eyes softened for just the slightest second and then they went back to the daggers. He looked at me and said “Well have fun with my brother. Tell him I say hi on your way out.” And with that said he walked away from me. But as he walked away he ended up knocking over my books that I was carrying. I bend down to start picking them up and notice that he’s still standing there watching me. He has sadness in his eyes. I finish picking up my books and stand up to look at him. I mumble the word bye and I start walking towards my next class. I didn’t even get 10 feet away from him when I’m knocked down again. But this time I can’t get up because there’s something on top of me. I try to turn so I can see what it is but whatever it is it won’t let me move. Next thing I hear is a growl in my ear. My heart is beating so fast I think it’s going to just break through my chest and fall to the ground. I don’t know what to do because I can’t move. I scream for help. A teacher came into the hallway and looked at me lying on the floor. And she screamed herself. Whatever it was that was on top of me disappeared. My whole body felt weak. The teacher yelled for one of her students to get more help. The teacher came running over to me to try and help me, but it was no use. I was already going under.

I opened my eyes and looked around. It looks like I’m in the school nurses office. I tried to sit up but a hand stopped me. Nurse Judy stopped me and said “Oh no. You stay lying down. I’m surprised that you’re even awake.” I looked at her confused. And she just nods her head. I’m trying to think back to what happened and I can only remember that me and Kevin were talking that’s it. But I feel like there’s something else I should be remembering, but just can’t. I tried asking Nurse Judy if she knew anything that happened to me and she wouldn’t tell me. She kept dodging the question and she was asking questions of her own. It annoys me when adults do this. My back and my neck are in severe pain, and Nurse Judy said that I’m to go home and stay in bed so that I don’t do any serious damage to myself. But I can’t help thinking how did I get to Nurse Judy’s office in the first place?? And why won’t anyone tell me anything??

I want answers!

I was lying on the couch in the living room watching Jersey Shore when mom came in and sat down beside me. She looked over at me and said “What’s going on sweetie?? I know that there’s something going on that you are not telling me. And I hate to see you unhappy.” I looked at my mom and then back at the TV screen. What was I suppose to tell her?? That I’m falling madly in love with a vampire?? That my best friend is a shape shifter?? And that my best friend officially hates me because I’m dating his brother?? My mom finally got up and left after I wouldn’t talk to her about it. When it came around dinner time I didn’t eat anything because I wasn’t hungry… and I really wanted to watch another episode of Jersey Shore. But I ended up falling asleep on the couch. I woke up to a scream from upstairs in my parent’s room. I ran up the stairs and down the hall to their room.

“Mom?! Dad?!” I shouted. I got to their door and opened it. My mom was lying on the floor her body looks all broken and deformed. And my dad is gone. I didn’t know what to do. I started crying uncontrollably and slid down to the floor. I remembered that I had my cell phone in my pocket so I got it out and I dialed Brandon’s number. He answered on the first ring. I explained to him what I found and he said he’d be here in 10 minutes. I hung up the phone with him and just started crying even more.

I loved my parents with all my heart. And now to have them ripped away from me. I want to know what’s going on. Why is this stuff happening to me?? All of a sudden I felt something touch my shoulder and I turn around and swing at it. The person moved super fast. I saw him. It was Brandon. Thank god. I started crying again and was about to fall to the ground, but he caught me. He just held me there close letting me cry and trying to comfort me even though everything is not going to be ok. It’s just going to get worse. When I was finally all cried out Brandon took me back to his family’s house. He left me in the living room and went to go and talk to his parents. I heard everyone come running down the stairs all at once and into the living room where I was. Brandon’s mom was the first one to greet me. “Oh sweetie, I’m so sorry. I don’t know anyone who would do that to you and your parents. Your parents are the nicest people we know.” I just nodded my head. Brandon’s dad came up and gave me a hug next. “Sara I’m so sorry this happened to you, but we’re going to find out who did this to you. I promise.” I nodded and smiled a little, because I honestly did appreciate all they were doing for me.

Kevin came up to me and gave me a hug while mumbling “Sorry” and then he left the living room and went back upstairs. I could feel the tears starting to come on again. And I quickly looked up at Brandon, and he quickly nodded and said “Mom, Dad I’m going to take Sara to the guest room and get her settled in.” His mom and dad agreed. So Brandon took me in his arms and helped me up the stairs. When we got to the guest room I started crying again. And Brandon hugged me again. But then he looked at me and said “Sara I am so sorry that this happened to you, and I swear when I find whoever did this I’m going to kill them. I’m going to protect you with my life if I have to.” I looked at him and smiled through my pain and tears. He leaned forward and kissed me. After a minute I pulled back and said “I love you.” His eyes widened. And then he smiled and said “I love you too.”

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Tag der Veröffentlichung: 10.12.2011

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I will keep updating this book when I can. Thank you for willing to take your time and check out this book I hope you like it.