Uncontrolled love

“Alex, is this right?” The soft silence now rippling with my quiet question. His arms tense around me. The chilled air now surrounds me as he pulled away, except for a ring of warmth that remains around my waist, where he leaves his strong hands. Unsure of what to do, my arms retreat to my sides. In the low light of the sunset behind the buses, his face resembles a look of uncertainty and worry. His eyes seem to be searching for the right words, some way to excuse our behavior. Warmth radiates around me as he pulls me close, pressing his forehead to mine. Minty breath dances upon my skin from the lips he holds so close to mine.

“Does this feel right? He whispers, his soft lips gentle and loving as they touch mine. My hands graze up his toned arms to his broad shoulders to settle around his neck. He breaks the kiss and pulls me against his body, warm and strong, holding me tight, almost possessively. “Does it feel right?” His golden baritone voice repeats seductively. His hand guides my arm to stroke his back, to feel the muscles that run through him.
He's trying to prove how sexy he is! I realize. It's hard for him to hide it. He knows his tanned complexion and his lean, toned frame is warm and inviting to me. He knows I love his beautiful eyes and his smile makes me melt.
I smile and look up to his electric green eyes, begging me to say yes. He looks so hurt, like a lost puppy. It looks as though he was about to cry, terribly afraid to lose me. I feel horrible for asking him, for doubting him.
“Oh Alex...” I whimper as I pull him to me, feeling a single tear slip down my cheek, for I know it's wrong, but I was in love with him. “Alex,” I choke out, “All's fair in love and war, right? If it is, why does this feel so wrong? And why does it feel so right? I don't know if I can keep leading him on like this, when it's you I love....” My words dissolve in the air. I burrow my eyes in his neck until I feel hot tears slipping down my neck.
I had made Alex cry.
“Alex?” I pull away so I could see his handsome face, distorted with sorrow, and more, maybe pity? He tries to hold back, only making the silver tears and their trails grow. He makes no movement to wipe them away. “Alex, please don't cry. I love you. I just can't keep lying about us. I don't want to hide us when were happy. This isn't good for us anymore. Please, Alex, can't we just move on?”
All of the sorrow disappears from his eyes as he smiles his cute crooked-tooth smile and looks shyly to the ground, yet speaking with confidence, “Oh Brianna, I love you.” His smile grows bigger as he looks up and grabs my hand, leading me to a tree to sit down. I sit down next to him, letting him sling his arm around my shoulders. I rest my head against his shoulder. His hand starts to stroke my hair as he rests his head against mine. We sit in the comfortable silence for a while, thinking. “Brianna, I really do love you. I don't care who doesn't like you, I do.”
It takes a moment to process what he just said. “Wait, is that why you want us to hide? Someone you know doesn't like me?” The question rings through the suddenly loud silence. Alex's hand stops stroking my hair, tensing with a new, more difficult question at hand.
Staring into the distance, he sighs, “No. Not at all. I don't care what my friends or family thinks,” he looks to me, his eyes trying to convince me he was telling the truth. Instead, they reflect his regret, self pity, and the obvious lie he just told me. 'Believe me, Brianna,” His voice has a rough edge that makes him sound like he's about to break again.
“Are you sure? I mean, it does sound like you're lying to me,” I admit, looking away, almost smiling in disbelief. “Are you telling me the truth?” Injected with disappointment, my question makes him grimace a slight.
Instead of answering, he stands up and begins pacing around the tree, his arms up in panicked exasperation.
“Alex?” I try cautiously. “Will you come sit by me again, please?” Sadness comes into my eyes as I wait patiently.
“Oh, you,” he sighs, walking gingerly towards me. Sitting in front of me, he grasps my hand, as if it's what grounds him to reality. His gaze lays low for a while, pursing his lips together until his eyes met mine with a look of deep regret. He meets my hard gaze, and his quickly drop to our hands again. His touch lightens as his fingers slowly move across my hand. His eyes still cast upon the ground, he speaks in a weak voice, as if it'll break him to speak louder. “Well, you know my 'girlfriend' right? Well, my family really likes her. I used to also, until I met you. I'm afraid if I leave her, my family will be disappointed in me for letting her go. I think you're much better than she could ever be,” he looks up, his eyes searching mine for a sign of understanding. He sighs, “Look, I know what you're probably thinking, and it's not true. I do love you, and I do want to be with you. It's just I love and respect my family too. I want this to work, I really do. How about you break up with Tyler this week and I'll break up with Abby couple days or so after that?”
"Okay, we'll do that. But if it goes wrong, I blame you," I smirk, glad to watch him relax.
"Fair enough."

Tyler

~Four months ago~

"Tyler, guess what! Guess what!" I yell with joy. "Oh my gosh I'm so happy! Guess!!"

"Calm down, Sweetie, calm down," he coaxes, trying to hold me in place by the shoulders. I fight and win, continuing to bounce around like a nut.

"I'm going to be the next drum major! Oh I'm so excited! I get to work with Alex and Joel! I'm so happy I beat Isabella and Annika! I hate them so much! Yes!" 

"Oh, Brianna, I'm so proud of you, but hating people isn't nice. You need to be more social," he mumbles against my lips, kissing me gently.

"Oh hush," I mumble back, leaning into him slightly. He's so warm, and it's cold outside, despite it being May. He takes my small gesture further by playing with the hem of my shirt.

"Hey, no, bad Tyler," I grab his hand to pull it away, but he intertwines our fingers, pulling our hands to his side. 

"You know I'm just playing," he replies, kissing my cheek. "So, when do you get to know what class the band's in?"

"I think Cox and Kaufman are going to the meeting this Thursday. I'm not sure yet. But I'm still really excited! I hope we're in class B, Carmal scares me. So does Penn." I continue to ramble about the class A  bands, watching Tyler to see if he stays interested in what I'm saying. "Tyler! I'm over here, you know!"I exclaim after he stares at too many female joggers passing by.

"I know Brianna, calm down," he responds, still staring around. "I'm just thinking about what you're saying."

"Okay, okay, but I'm also scared that we'll have even less time to spend together than last year. I miss you too much," I say, stepping closer to lay my forehead on his shoulder. He gives my hand a squeeze and puts his lips close to my ear and whispers, "Sweetie, it'll be okay, we'll make it work. Don't worry if we don't see each other too much, we have the rest of our lives to spend together." He puts his arms around my waist and holds me close.

 

"You really think that?" I ask.

"I do, Brianna."

Class A or Class B?

Chemistry. Yay.

I walk up the stairs after lunch to Mr. Nolt's room with Lizzy. As a drum major reject, she keeps bugging me about

"Has Mr. Cox texted you yet? What class are we in? I bet we're in class A, aren't we? Please tell m-"

"Lizzy, I can't tell you information I haven't received. Calm your butt." I inject my annoyance into my voice, hoping it gets her to shut up. It works, for a moment.

"Are you excited to work with Alex? And Joel? They're both really nice and very good at their instruments. I hope you get to me the front sideline drum major. It'll be so cool to watch-" she rambles on, at which point I've stopped listening. We walk into the classroom and take our seats. My lab partner, and friend, Mikaela gives me a hug and congradulates me. 

"Thanks, sexy!" I say, hugging her back awkwardly, seeing as we were sitting. Lizzy instantly comes back over to us and tries to join in on our awkward seat-hug.

"Have you found out yet?" She asks yet again.

"No, but if I know during this class, I'll let you know. Okay?" I put on a joking stern face just so I don't seem so rude.

"Fine."

 

"Hello, class! Welcome to Chem Two! Do we have any exciting news to share?" Mr Nolt asks as he strides confidently into the class room. Lizzy immediently raises her hand and puts a goofy smile on her face. "Yes, Lizzy?"

"Brianna made drum major!" She blurts. I sink back into my seat a little and start blushing as Mr. Nolt looks at me with astonishment and pride.

"Well done, Brianna! Let's give her a round of applause, class." He starts clapping, letting the rest of the class follow suite. The band kids of the class clap faster and louder for me than the other kids, but I still sink lower into my seat and break into a grin from the embarrassment. Lizzy knew I didn't like to be the center of attention, but she still faced me and made a circle with her clapping hands. Under her calm and happy exterior, I could see the jealousy and anger she felt towards me for beating her.

"Okay, does anyone else have anything to top Miss Brianna here?" Mr. Nolt asks as the clapping ceases. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Lindsey, a fellow band kid, hold her hand up sheepishly. "Yes, Lindsey?"

"Well, I don't think this tops Brianna's story, but my older sister is going to have her baby soon. She went into labor a couple hours ago," she gains more confidence in her story as she goes on, earning a few 'awws' from her classmates, including me.

"Well that's very exciting. tell your sister we said good luck- I mean- congrats!" He cracks up at the class, whom starts to bust out laughing at his joke. He shouts over the laughter, "No but tell her that we said congradulations." The laughter begins to die down and we get ready to talk about liquid nitrogen. As we get ready to move to the front to watch examples, my phone starts vibrating, saying that Cox has texted me. The message says, "We made into class A by 2 students. Woot! The smallest "large" school! Concord's in class B. Tell your friends!" Mikaela looked over my shoulder, quietly 'oooh'ing that I was going to get into trouble for being on my phone. 

"Hush up, it's Cox. We made it into class A!" I whisper louder then I intended. 

"Oh yay!" Mikaela whispers back. 

"Hey, Brianna, what class are we in?" Lindsey asks from across the lab table.

"Class A," I tell her.

"What class are we in?" Annika asks. I can see the envy in her eyes.

"Class A."

"Wait, what class are we in?" Lizzy asks.

"Class A. Guys, we are in class A this year," I tell Lizzy, then say a little louder so others could hear.

"Why didn't you tell me first?" She asks.

"Because you weren't right next to me."

"You said I'd be first to know," she scolds, only half-kidding.

"Dude, not now. Mr Nolt is talking." He then starts to talk about the temperature of liquid nitrogen, but I can't pay attention. The stares from jealous rejects, the stares from curious band kids, and the daunting feeling of being in the highest class all hits me, scratching at my nerves. I slump my shoulders a little more, and let my chin fall, letting some of my hair get into my eyes, trying to block off the nerves. I focus on Mr. Nolt's examples and experiment.

"Okay class, please go back to your seats, we only have a few minutes left in class, and we won't see each other again until Monday. I'll miss you guys. Please make sure the desks are back where they're supposed to be." the high pitched bell interrupts his last sentence, and he shouts over the chaos, "See you guys on Monday!"

Lizzy comes up to me right as I get out of the door. "Why didn't you tell me first?" She nearly snarled at me. 

"Because you weren't right next to me. I'm not going to shout over Nolt."

"Okay, first you snap at me for my conducting, then you steal my spot, then you don't even keep me up to date! What is wrong with you!" Her jealousy shoves itself prominently into her voice.

"First of all, calmith yourself. Second, I didn't snap at you, i gave you some criticism. So that you could get better. Third, I did tell you what class we're in, didn't I? Sounds updated to me. Oh, and, you don't OWN this spot! I was rightfully granted this spot. It's mine now," I step closer to her, trying to intimidate her. Normally, she doesn't get scared, but I see her back away slightly. 

"I hope you fall off of the stand, Bitch."

Friday

Nerves stab through my stomach. Today is my first day in band class as the drum major. Sure, it's not marching band, but the top band is full of marching band kids. Butterflies flutter around my stabbing nerves, making my head hurt. Why was I so nervous?

It's only band. No one is going to hurt me, I tell myself, already feeling their jealous stares, even though school hasn't even started. Heck, I'm not even there yet. I look over to my older brother, driving contently. He can't hear my thoughts...

The brick building lays in wait for all of the students to enter. I walk in shyly, hoping no one else can read or feel my nervousness. The guy at the welcome center acknowledges me with a nod and I half-smile at him. In the cafeteria, I see Duane sitting at a table and go and say hi and sit down by him. 

"So, you're a drum major now. How do you feel?" he asks.

"Eh, I feel like a sophomore. Maybe a little nervous," I say, making sure to keep my composure.

 

Impressum

Tag der Veröffentlichung: 17.01.2013

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