Hi my name is Alexxus Marie Carson. My mom bought me this journal back when I was 6. the week before she died. I have decided that my mom was a wonderful person and I should do something she wanted me to do. So I have written in this journal every day since her death. This journal wont be much longer because I am going to kill my self on my 16th birthday. In 3 weeks I will be gone and no one will even care. i don't even think anyone will notice.
“ Alexxus get down here now!” my dad yelled from down stairs.
Well that's the man who is already slowly killing me. My horrible dad who I hate with my whole heart. Well I have to go. Till tomorrow. bye
Xoxo
lexi

I closed my black and white flower covered journal and ran down stairs.
“What now?”I asked.
“Don’t talk to me like that.” He said.
“Whatever.” I said.
He was drunk again. I hate when he gets like this.
“What did you call me for?”I asked.
“Make me something to eat.” He said.
“ ok.. wait no! Why don't you get your lazy tale up and make your self something to eat? I mean you haven't cooked since mom died. I have been cooking since I was six. I am fifteen I have been cooking for you almost 10 years! You are lazy and I can't believe you are that much of a loser. You need to get your self together and get a life!” I yelled as I turned to walk towards the door.
“And where do you think your going?” he asked me.
“I’m going somewhere your not.” I replied as I shut the door behind me.
I climbed through the woods behind my house. The first time I came here is when I planned on running away the day my mom died. I ended up living here for two weeks .. No one comes, im the only one left that knows it is here. Mom knew about it, she was the one who showed it to me. She said if i ever needed to get away this was the place to go .so I come here just to get away from it all, To get away from the arguments, from my dad, from all those kids who hate me because I’m different. No I don’t mean like the weird different. I am different like I hate skirts. I don’t like cheer. I am smart I have a 4.0 GPA and I don’t care what people think. No one talks to me at all. I have no friends. My mom is dead. My dad drinks a lot. I hate my life always have and always will.
I got up to go home. When I got there I ran straight up to my room and lay down.
“And you call me lazy?” said my dad
“Yeah I do call you lazy all you do is sit around and drink!”I yelled at him.
“Shut up!” exclaimed my dad.
“Make me!”I yelled.
I can’t believe he actually slapped me! Then he came after me swinging his arms. He hit me again this time on my arm. I was terrified. I turned and ran into my bathroom and locked the door.
“Open this door now!” he said in his booming voice.
“Why should I so you can hit me again?” I yelled back.
“I’m sorry sweetie I lost my temper,” he said.
I was so scared I didn’t trust him any more. That night I slept in my bath room on the floor in the cold.
When I woke up I was still scared, but I had to go to school. I peeked out of the bathroom. My dad wasn’t there so I got up ran to my door and locked it. When I was sure he couldn’t get in I got ready for school. I wore black pants and a black and white shirt. Once I was dressed I slowly unlocked the door and ran down stairs and out the door. Luckily my dad didn’t see me.
As I ran to school I ran into some kid.
“Sorry,” he said as he got up and wiped him self off.
“Watch it,” I snapped.
“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to,” he began.
I jumped up and continued to run with the fear that my dad was awake and looking for me. I could feel him watching me leave.
Finally I got to school. My day didn’t get any better there. I was late to my 1st period class which is English. Then I noticed that the kid that I ran into on my way here was in my class. It was his first day and his name was Jake. He ended up having to sit next to me in my class. Ugh, I didn’t even know him yet and I hated him. At lunch he sat next to me. As soon as Hannah saw that she threw a fit. She came over and sat in between us, which would have been fine with me, but I hated Hannah so much. I certnely wouldnt care if she dropped dead.
“What do you want Adams?” I said as she sat down.
“What I can’t sit with my best friend?” she said acting like she always sat here. “Hey who’s you little friend?”
“Of course she sat here for him” I thought to myself.
“jake , brat, brat, jake”I said with a smirk.
“Hi” he said, with a smile.
“Hi I’m Hannah,” she said with her nicest smile. “Would you like to sit with me and my friends?”
“Is Alexxus coming?” he asked looking at me.
“No,” I answered quickly, “just go sit with them.”
“Ok whatever.” He said quickly.
As I watched them walk away I asked myself, “What’s with that guy?”
I ate the rest of my lunch in total silence. Just like normal I finished eating quickly. After I threw away my trash I went to the hallway sat in front of my locker and listened to my iPod. Then out comes Jake, Of course.
“Hey Lexi, what are you listening to?” he asked.
“Going Under by Evanescence.”I replied still sitting on the floor.
He sits down next to me and smiles.
“Lexi why do you eat lunch alone?” he asked.
“Because I prefer to be alone and I have no friends.” I replied as the song I was listening to changed.
He looked at me for a while, “why not?”
“I hate people, I like being alone, I don’t like to talk smile or laugh.”I said blankly.
“So you don’t like me? I mean at all?” he said.
“Nope,” I replied.
I glanced up at him. He went from a big bright smile to a disappointed look. He almost looked sad, but why would he be sad or disappointed over me not likening him. Most people think it’s a good thing when I say I don’t like them.
“Oh ok, I guess I’ll leave you alone then.” He said looking at the floor.
And just like that he turned around and walked away from me.


Dear death journal,
Today I met a seemingly nice guy, but last time I met a nice guy it turned out terribly. I decided not to even think about him. IT’S NOT WORKING!!! Why can’t I get this guy out of my mind? I don’t want to make friends with him because I will be gone in 13 days. Why bother to change my life now??? I mean he is a little cute wow I can’t believe I just wrote that! I have to stay away from him.
Till tomorrow bye
xoxo
lexi carson


I closed my journal and walked out side. I sat on the curb and saw who other than Jake. When he saw me, him and his friends said something and walked towards me. I got up and turned towards the house.
“Lexi,” he called after me.
“Hi Jake,” I said.
He stood there looking at me.
“Jake, are you ok?” I asked.
“Umm oh yeah I’m fine,” he said stumbling on his words.
“Then why are you looking at me like that?” I asked.
“Have I introduced you to my friends?” he asked quickly.
I knew he was trying to change the subject but, I didn’t stop him because I had a feeling I didn’t want to know the answer.
“This is Jesse, Sam, Demi, David, and mat.” He said.
Wow one of them was OMG cute! I couldn’t believe my eyes. When I realized I was staring I looked down and then back up at Jake.
“Which one is which?” I asked not trying to be too rude.
“I’m Jesse” said the cute blonde hair blue eyed guy.
“I’m Demi,” said a mean looking girl with black hair and dark green eyes.
“Sam,” said one mediocre looking guy. He had brown hair and black eyes. And no I don’t mean dark brown they were literally black, like mine.
“Hello I’m David” said the one with black spiky hair.
“So you must be mat?” I said.
“Yup that’s me,” Mat said quietly.
“I’m Lexi,” I said looking around at everyone.
I could tell Demi didn’t like me. She looked at me like I was something horrible and honestly didn’t care that Demi didn’t like me. Jesse smiled at me. Sam, David, and mat were drooling. I don’t care what people think so I was content.
“You want to hang out with us?” asked Jesse.
“No she probably has a lot of things to do,” said Demi “and she will hang out with me today. You guys can hang with her tomorrow.”
I was surprised she said that. She grabbed my hand and dragged me into my house.
“Where’s your closet?” she asked.
I looked at her and said, “Right over there.”
She walked over to my closet and examined all of my clothes. She looked at all my converse and threw all of them out of the closet. She grabbed my hoodies and threw them as well. I just stood there with a blank expression my face.
“What do you think your doing?” I asked her.
“I am giving you a makeover and you will need some wearable clothes. I know lets go shopping,” she said with a smile.
“I have wearable clothes.”I said looking at my clothes.
“Yeah, wearable for guys, all you have is jeans and hoodies,”she said.
“And what’s wrong with that?” I asked her slowly getting mad.
“I’m not saying anything’s wrong with that but maybe you should try a skirt and a t-shirt.” she said in a calming voice, “Before we go shopping go let’s go by my place to see what looks go on you. I have a little bit of every thing.”
“Whatever,” I replied as I followed her to her car.
The guys were still out side.
“Where are you guys going?” asked Jake.
“Make over,” I mumbled.
Jesse laughed, “Demi don’t change her too much please. I like her how she is now. Lexi, why is she giving you a makeover anyways?”
“I have no choice. She is forcing me,” I said.
“Ok enough chit chat, we need to go now,” demi said quickly.
“Bye,” said Jake looking at me.
“Bye Jake, bye guys,” I said while being pulled toward the car.
When we got in the car there was total silence between us. Neither of us said a word we were in our own little world.
Then suddenly she looked at me and said, “Hey what do you think of Jesse?”
“What do you mean?”I asked
“Lexi, it’s so obvious he likes you,” she said.
“Yeah he likes me and he was the only one not drooling, well him and Jake that is. Either way he dose not like me,” I said. “Why do you ask? Do you like him or something?”
“No way he is like a big brother to me. Besides I go out with,” she began as her phone rings.
She looks at her phone and says “I have to take this.”
As I looked out the window I listened to her talk.
“Hey Jakey,” she said.
Jakey? OMG she can’t possibly mean Jake. Are they together of something?!?!? Ugh I hope not. Wait why should I care if they are together I don’t like him like that anyways.
She hung up and said “That was Jake, calling to check in on me.he wants to see me after we are finished.”
“Are you and Jake together?” I asked as calm as possible.
“yeah.” She replied with a smile.
Her smile was perfect. I could see why Jake liked her. She is nice once you get to know her. She is like a fashion expert. I wonder why she wears so much dark clothes if she is so colorful. Jake is lucky to have her.
When we got to her house i saw she lived in one of those big 3 story houses. It was yellow. I saw she had a huge pool in her back yard and a balcony in her window. I could never afford a house like this.
We walked in to her room it was huge! She had a king sized bed. It had a zebra strpied blanket and bule sheets. Wow it was beautiful there were glass butterflys hanging from the celing.


Chapter 2

Dear death journal,
I can’t stay away from him! He lives next door if I look out of my window I see him. And he has a girlfriend. Who is very nice by the way. I don’t want to make any more friends but it just keeps happening! Now the only people who hate me are Hannah and her crew. I have gotten asked out 15 times this week what is up with the people around here. One minute you hate me the next you’re asking me out???? What happened? I met 1 guy and my world is flipped upside down. I am losing my mind people I don’t even know are being nice to me. People who have hated me are suddenly trying to be friends. Most people would be happy about this but, why should I be happy if I’m ending my life in 13 days? Well I’m going to see Demi and she is going to do my hair to complete my make over. Ugh there I go again making friends!
Xoxo
alexxus c.
I walk down stairs.
“Where are you going now?!?” my dad yelled at me.
“I’m going to Demi’s house.” I said calmly.
“No your not, you are going to go make me some dinner,” he screamed.
“No I’m not I’m going to demi’s house,” I yelled back.
“Don’t you dare talk to me like that young lady,” he yelled.
“I’ll talk to you how ever I want to,” I yelled.
He pushed me down and kicked me. Then he kicked me in the face and busted my lip and nose. I screamed.
“Stop daddy I’m sorry. Please just stop!” I screamed.
I think it just made him madder because he just started kicking me harder. He kicked me in my side and in my legs. Then when I thought I couldn’t talk any more, he stopped and went to the kitchen and started drinking again .I couldn’t walk or even stand for that matter. So I crawled back to my room, being careful not to get blood every where. When I made it to my room I dragged myself to my bathroom and wiped the blood off my face. I could see bruises forming as I changed my shirt which was red from my blood. I laid there on the floor not being able to move, I cried all the rest of the day. It was not fair! What did I ever do to deserve a dad that hits me like that?!?!?!? I’m scared half to death to even live here. I want to run away but I don’t want to leave the only family I have left. I just can’t do that.
When I was finally able to stand with out falling, I walked to my bed (because that was as far as I could walk) and sat down. I looked at my phone which had been laying there on my bed the whole time. I had 3 messages from Demi, 9 from Josh, and 2 from Jesse.
All of Demi’s messages were asking when I was coming over. Jake’s messages were asking “where are you? Do you want to come over? You want to hang out with me and the guys? Are you mad at me, why wont you text me back? Are you ok? Should I come over?” I just got one saying “I’m coming in”
I could hear him walking up the stairs I was in no condition to see anyone right now so I laid under the covers and pretended to be sleep. I hear him knock on my bedroom door. When I didn’t answer he just walked in.
“Lexi?” he said as he walked in. I continued to act like I was asleep.
He walked over to my bed and watched me. After a while he kissed my forehead and left.im glad he left I sat up and realized I could walk again about 15 minutes later. I picked up my phone and texted him. “Hey sorry I haven’t replied. I didn’t feel well today.”
“It’s fine, I came by to check on you. You were sound asleep,” his message replied.
“=-] sorry bout that I was feeing so terrible.” I replied.
“Are you ok now?” he asked.
“Yeah I’m fine I just woke up and I’m about to walk to my place.” I said.
“Ok can I come?” he asked me.
“umm im not sure only me and my mom know about it,” I said.
“So you’re no one?” he asked. He asks a lot of questions.
“Yup, at least I was until u got here.” I replied.
“What does that mean?” he asked.
“I’ll explain at the park,” I said.
“So I can come?” he asked.
“sure =-]” I said.
“Cya there =-]” Jake replied.
I got out of bed and changed into jeans and a long sleeved shirt. I was not going to risk letting Jake see my bruises. I didn’t need him feeling sorry for me. As soon as I was dressed I snuck out my window and jumped from my balcony. I have done this a million times now so it’s no big deal. But I heard someone scream my name.
“Lexi,” someone yelled, “are you ok?”
“Yeah, Jake I’m fine I do this all the time but keep it down please I don’t want to wake my dad.”I whispered.
“Oh, sorry and I forgot to ask where is this park?” he asked.
“Follow me,” I said quickly.
I looked around to see if anyone was following us. The coast was clear. I hurried behind my house through the woods and in the center there was a small clearing with a swing set and a slide. There was also a small house with two rooms, a small kitchen and a bathroom. I had never shown anyone this place before so I had no idea what he would say. I was just hoping that he wouldn’t say anything to anyone about this place. It was my own little place where no one could find me.
“Wow,” was the only thing he said.
“I know it’s nothing much but it’s my place. Please don’t tell any one about it.” I said.
“What do u mean it’s nothing much? this place is amazing! I can’t believe your not telling any one about this place! I’m not going to tell anyone if you don’t want me to, but this place is wow!” he said in shock.
“You really like it?” I asked.
“Yeah it’s beautiful, just like you,” he replied with his adorable smile.
“Jake don’t, I know you and Demi are together,” I said.
“Wait, what? Demi and I broke up the day you two met. When Demi dropped you off she came to meet me. I told her we should see other people. Because I like someone else I don’t think it’s fair that I won’t have my mind on her. It would be wrong to date her when your always on my mind. Lexi to tell the truth I dumped her because I met you.” he said holding my hands.
“Why would you do that? I didn’t even like you then.” I said.
“Yeah, but I thought you would change your mind about that which I’m hoping you did, because Lexi you are simply amazing,” he said still holding my hands.
“Jake that’s so sweet, but I’m just an average girl. You should try and get Demi back. I I have to go.” I said.
I let go of his hands and turned and walked, no I ran home. As soon as I got home, I saw my dad. He was soaked and wearing the same clothes from yesterday. He looked at me and I saw fire in his eyes. I knew what that meant so I ran to my room as fast as I could. I called Demi as soon as I was sure my dad couldn’t get into my room.
“Hello?” said Demi as she answered the phone.
“Hey can you come get me so we can finish my make over?” I said.
“Yeah sure I’m on my way.” She said before she hung up.
I put on the outfit Demi picked out for me, when I got a phone call.
“Hello????” I said.
“Hey it’s Tammy.” Tammy is my mom’s sister. “I heard you are still in public school and how bad they are, so I paid your way into private school. No need to thank me your uniform should be there in no time. You will start Monday, well tomorrow. Your cousin Selena will be there to. She will show you around and I hope you have fun. I got to go Selena just got home from her dance class. I love you bye.” She said not giving me a chance to talk.
I went to check the mail. Tell me how my uniform was folded neatly in my mail box already. Just as I grabbed my uniform Demi pulled up.
“Hey hop in,” she said.
I got in with my uniform in my lap.
“What’s that?” she asked.
“Ugh. My aunt is making me go to private school.” I replied simply.
“Private school, are you crazy?!?!?” Demi said as she slammed the brakes. “People who go to private school are freaks.”
“Well then I should fit right in,” I said.
“Lexi Marie Carson, you are not a freak,” she said.
“ yeah I am and can you take me home I don’t feel so well anymore,” I said.
She turned the car around and she dropped me off.

Chapter 3

Dear death journal,
Why does he have to like me back? I like him and I’m shocked he likes me back. I have 12 days left thats no time to get a boyfriend! Private school starts today and I hope I can have my quite time there I really like our uniform now that I have decorated it to fit my style. I added black lace to the bottom of it and sowed my name into the pocket on the shirt. The bad part is I have to wash it every day and I hate laundry. Well I better get going I have to get to school on the other side of town! Wish me luck!
Xoxo lexi marrie carson

I walked out side and sat on the curb while i waited on my cousin to come get me.
“hey lexi, do you need a ride to school?” asked jake as he walked up to me. The looked at me, “ what are you waering? it's cute on you like every thing you wear, but looks like your going to a unifrom sort school.”
“ no, i dont need a ride to school. Im transfering schools thanks to my aunt tammy. Selena is on her way to get me now, but you could wait with me if you want to,” i said hopeing he would stay for once.
He sat on the curb next to me, “ why did you run from me yesterday? A simple no whould have worked,” he said frowning.
“ im really sorry about that, but you really should try to get back with demi. She's so nice. So wild so exciteing. So pretty. I know you want to be with her for ever. And she's so so,” i couldn't think of any thing else to say.
“ so not you. Your not pretty, i dont want be be with you forever, i wouldnt even cry if you left me right now,” he said.
I stood up as i began to cry. I turned to leave and he grabbed my arm and turned me to face him.
“ your beautiful, i NEED to be with you forever, i woulnd cry... i'd die,” he said as he wiped away my tears. He huged me then looked down at me as he leand in to kiss me. HONK when selena limo as she pulled up. Jake took a step back. Selena got out of her car.
“hey little lexi! I havent seen you in forever! Oh how i've missed you! Wow you've grown up so much,” she said.
“ sel, your starting to sound like aunt tammy,” i said as i ran up and gave selena a hug, “ and i missed you too!”
“ lexi i have to go, i will see you after school,” said jake.
I ran over and gave him a goodbye hug.
“ bye jakey, i will see you later,” i said.
He turned and walked toward his car. Me and selena hopped into her car and told the driver where to go.
“ so is that your boyfriend?” asked selena.
“ no, why would you think that?” i asked her with a surprised look on my face.
“ well you were like two secounds away from kissing when i pulled up,” she said.
We pulled up to the school as i said, “ we were not about to kiss!”
i walked away from her and looked at the beautiful white school. It looked like the ones in movies. It had a huge courtyard with picnick tables. Wow was it pretty.
“ lexi?” i heard from behind me.
I tourned and saw jesse.
“ jesse!” i yelled as i ran and gave him a hug.
He spun me aroundd and then put me down.
“ i havent see you in a while. Where have you been and why didnt you tell me you went to private school?” i asked with a huge smile.
“ the school took us to europe and you never asked,” he said laughing, “ and what did you do to your unform? It looks well hot.”
“ i added my wn style to it. Cute right,” i said as i did a little spin.
“ it's not cute its hot. Though not as beautiful as you,” he said as brabbed my hand. His hands were as warm as a spring day. I smiled at him. Then some girl walked up.
“ hello, im amanda. im the head girl,” she said. As she stook out her hand.
“lexi,” i said with a smile.
“ im head girl you have to shake my hand,” she said.
“ i will shake your hand once you earn my respect and so far your not doing a good job at it,” i said looking at her with a smirk.
She stompped off.
“ ha i cant beleive you just did that. No one tells off the head girl,” he said.
“ well she said i had to shake her hand and i dont have to do anything,” i said smileing.
“ lexi, your just something else,”jesse said smileing brightly.
“ lexi you have been here what 5 minutes and you already have a boyfriend!” said selena as she walked up to me and jesse.
“hey selena,” mumbled jesse.
“wait you two know each other?” i asked a little surprised, because sel doesnt really talk to the skater boys.
“ of course we do.i used to date our little quarter back,”selena said playing with jesse's hair.
I let go of his hand.
“ selena, we dated for a week then you cheated on me,” he said, “we havent talked since. why are you talking to me now?”
“ I never really got over you. I have always loved you,” she said.
I could see him getting tense, “ well i dont love you. Selena please stay away from me and lexi.”
“that will be hard to since i give her a ride to school every morning from now on,” she said.
Jesse looked at me and said, “ i can drive you. if you want me to.”
i didnt know what to say. I had to chose between my friend and my cousin. Thats so not fair. I love selena, but she always so full of drama and omg i hate that. I dont wanna be another one of selena's little clones that always does what she says. With jesse i havent known him very long, but if he dated selena he cant be too nice. Selena can be sweet, but thats only when she wants attention.if i chose jesse selena would make my life a living nightmare. I know how popular she is. She always has her friends under ther thumb. Jesse is sweet and i dont wanna hurt him. I dont want to hure selena either.
The first bell rang and i jumped into jesse.
“sorry, but i have to get to class cant be late on the first day,” i said as i thought saved by the bell. I was walking to the main office and got my scheule.

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Tag der Veröffentlichung: 23.12.2010

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