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The Easy Way To Handle Anxiety

Anyone Can Do It!

JOHNNY MONTOYA

http://www.amazon.com/author/johnnymontoya

The Easy Way To Handle Anxiety

Anyone Can Do It!

http://www.amazon.com/author/johnnymontoya

This book or any portion thereof
may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever
without the express written permission of the publisher
except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

Disclaimer:

The information contained within this book is not intended to be a substitute for professional clinical advice. Diagnosis and treatment of a clinical condition can only be undertaken by a qualified professional. Readers of this book should always seek the advice of a qualified health professional with any questions regarding their health or a medical condition. Neither the author nor the publisher guarantees the accuracy, quality, suitability or reliability of any information contained in this book.

AAAAARRRRGGGHH!!!

Wait, I'll be with you in a moment. Just having a panic attack.

Aaaaarrrrggghh!!!

OK, that's better. Anyway, hi, I'm Johnny Montoya. And I'm going to show you the easy way to handle anxiety. Just like the title says.

If you struggle with general anxiety, then this book is for you. I can't help you with any other related issues that you might have, but for your anxiety, I can definitely help you with that.

So how come you've developed anxiety? Has a series of stressful events been building up? Maybe you've never really had the chance to learn how to cope with life's difficulties. Maybe you worry about another person or circumstances that are out of your control. Or you could just be a natural worrier.

Any of these things can make someone susceptible to helplessness, and feeling like something bad could happen at any time. Unfortunately (and annoyingly), this tends to spread into areas where you're otherwise confident, making you feel a bit stupid. But whatever it is, I'm going to be blunt and tell you that it's all in your mind. You do know that, right? It's a problem that's within you, but it can be dealt with. And so it should be.

Why?

Well, having anxiety can affect your ability to get things done, you can end up missing out on things in life, and it stops you from enjoying your life properly. It limits you and holds you back.

People might look at you weird when you have one of your funny moments, making you self conscious and inhibited.

Most likely you'll be disappointed and frustrated. You know you can do better, but this invisible barrier stops you from being who you want to be.

It's horrible, isn't it?

Trust me, I know what it's like. On the morning of New Year's Day, 2001, I had my first panic attack. I was at a train station on the way home from a friend's house, and I realised that I was hungry. So I grabbed something to eat, I got my train, and quickly started eating. All was well.

As the train approached one of the last stations before the one that I was meant to get off at, I spotted a couple of ticket inspectors. This was bad news because I didn't have a ticket (I was a rebel). When they came I just said sorry I don't have a ticket. They said well you're going to have to pay a fine, and out came the notepads.

As I gave them my details I started to feel sick. They could see this, so they mercifully decided to let me off at the station that was coming up. As I gratefully walked off I puked a bit, which was embarrassing.

While waiting for the next train I was slightly shaken up. It was OK though because all I had to do was relax and take deep breaths, as you do, right?

In fact it got worse. I quickly began feeling fear, dread and helplessness, like I was in danger. I had no idea where this was coming from or how to handle it.

Was it because I'd been eating quickly? Was I still a bit drunk from the night before? (you know, New Year's Eve) Or both? It was so confusing, I couldn't figure it out, which made it worse still.

I desperately needed to be at home, and a train would have gotten me there fast, but none came. So I left to get a bus.

The feeling continued but eventually a bus came. I grabbed a newspaper on the seat next to me and immersed myself in it to distract myself.

It made only a slight difference, and this irritated me. I felt like something really bad was going to happen, or that there was something wrong with me. I felt fundamentally threatened by something, and it was all new to me so I had no way of dealing with it.

The horrible feeling followed me all the way home, and even then it went on for a while longer, before eventually dissolving away.

That was my first and worst ever panic attack by far. What a lovely start to the year. I'll never forget it.

Since then I've had about 7 or 8 panic attacks, and many uncomfortable moments worrying that it's going to happen again. Being far from home has often been challenging. You know, I'd rather have 1 guaranteed panic attack a year and none of the silly worrying, than live in fear of having one.

But time is a great healer and I've made a lot of progress. I still have anxiety at times but now it's more like an occasional annoyance than a major thing.

That train incident was bad, but now I choose to focus on everything that's positive about it. The way I competently got myself home despite feeling so horrible inside. The fact that I wisely picked up a paper to keep myself distracted. And the way I talked myself through it, constantly reassuring myself, and calmly looking for solutions.

If you'd seen me while it was happening you would have noticed something but you wouldn't guess that I was having a major panic attack. Even at the time a part of me was smiling about that.

You know what it felt like? It felt like a stronger part of me came out that day to take care of things. It got me thinking about just how in control I really was.

Since then, I've developed a philosophy about how to deal with anxiety, which I'm going to share with you now. It has worked for me, and I hope it will rub off on you.

I believe that...

* There's always a way for you to deal with anxiety. There are always lots of little things that you can do to feel better in any situation. Even small things can make all the difference. You just have to find them. It's OK to do whatever works for you.

* You have the ability to create a Safe Zone. You create it by establishing a feeling of calm in everyday situations and places. Then you take that feeling with you wherever you go. And you can expand that zone as far as you like, at your own pace.

* You are free to focus on the positive. There's no rule that says you have to give any importance to negative things. Every single thing that happens to you, no matter how it looks at first, has a positive aspect. It's your job to find it, strengthen it with attention, and watch it take over. It's actually you who is in control the whole time.

* You have the power to weaken anxiety with humour. Anxiety is silly. It hasn't earned the right to be taken seriously by you, so don't hand your power over. Laugh at it.

* You're lucky to have anxiety. It may be silly, but it sure makes for a test of your inner strength. You've got a golden opportunity to make big changes to your personality and the way you deal with life. Play it right and you will be stronger.

Those are my principles, and that's why I wrote this book for you. If you can get on board with my beliefs, then we can do this.

How should I deal with anxiety?

When we're anxious we feel helpless and incapable of turning things around. We feel like we're at the mercy of this thing that seems to have a life of its own. There's a sense of being in a threatening, volatile situation, like we could be in danger at any moment. We become negative and blind to any possibility of a solution or way out. We end up taking it all so seriously and it dominates our lives. Ultimately we want this useless and inconvenient thing to just go away. It has no benefit to us and it's causing us nothing but suffering.

But there are solutions. For example, exposure therapy. Exposure therapy is an approach where you basically just jump right in and put yourself in a situation where you're likely to panic. By all means you're welcome to try it, if you think you can handle it. It works, but be prepared for it to backfire from time to time. Understandably, it's enough to put many people off. I'm guessing that you'd like something easier, at least for now.

Well, the way that you and I are going to sort this out is simply by putting my beliefs into practise. The kind of approach that we want is one where we can see solutions, as well as our ability to implement them. One that emphasises a feeling of safety and comfort, which we can progressively internalise. We want to be preoccupied with positivity as much as possible, and we want to keep a light hearted attitude and perspective. And crucially, we want to develop an appreciation of what can be learned from the experience of having been an anxious person, and how it can make us better, stronger people!

So, what are we going to do exactly?

Well...

* In Chapter 1 I'll elaborate on my beliefs further. My hope is that you'll embrace them and incorporate them into your personality.

* In Chapter 2 I'll explain what causes anxiety and what's really going on behind the scenes, so you know exactly what you're dealing with. I'll give you a clue: it's a hardware problem, combined with your bad thinking habits.

* In Chapters 3to8 I'll show you lots of ways to handle and get through various situations. Each chapter ends with a summary to help you remember the most important points.

* Finally in Chapter 9 I'll show you lots of things that you can do if you are feeling anxious, or if you're actually having a panic attack.

When I wrote this book I wanted it to be full of practical advice, helpful tips and useful suggestions. The kind of book that I myself will want to use! And that's exactly what it is.

In fact, while writing this book, I had a situation where I found myself starting to get anxious, but I followed some of the advice in Chapter 9 and I got myself back on track. The fact that I had something to turn to in itself helped a lot.

I'm not going to go on about theory or vague, irrelevant, impractical stuff that you can't do anything with in real terms. Nor will I use any more jargon than necessary. In fact, there's only one technical term that I'll be using, which I'll introduce in Chapter 2, and which you'll become very familiar with as we go on.

I'm going to show you lots of things that you can very easily do by yourself to deal with anxiety. Even if you do just a few of the things that I'm going to ask you to do, it will help you. I do, however, recommend that you give them all a try. The idea is for you to pick and choose, and use this book like a toolbox. Take what works for you.

The advice in this book centres around putting certain measures in place to create comfort in various situations and environments. What I want is to reduce worry so you can relax and live your life. But rather than becoming compulsive, the idea is to create calm, and then gradually let go of those crutches.

Read the whole book all the way through so you'll get what it's all about. Then go back to each chapter one by one and start putting it into practise.

OK, enough chit chat. Let's get started. Let's start reprogramming you to be a non anxious person.

Contents:

Chapter 1: WHAT YOU SHOULD BELIEVE ABOUT ANXIETY

Construct a whole new belief system, change your experience

Chapter 2: WHAT IS ANXIETY?

It's a hardware malfunction! But it's your fault too!

Chapter 3: HOME ALONE

Your Safe Zone starts here

Chapter 4: PEACE OF MIND WHEREVER YOU ARE

Portable comfort

Chapter 5: OUT AND ABOUT

Wherever you lay your hat, that's your home

Chapter 6: THEY'RE COMING!

How to deal with visitors

Chapter 7: TRAVELLING

Keep your cool wherever you go

Chapter 8: MEETING PEOPLE

Socialise with confidence, anywhere

Chapter 9: BUT WHAT IF I BECOME ANXIOUS OR PANIC?

No worries, we've got that covered too!

Final Thoughts

Chapter 1: What You Should Believe About Anxiety

Everyone has beliefs. Without beliefs, we wouldn't be able to function because we'd have no faith that anything is going to go one way or another. We'd scrutinize everything and rarely get things done.

Some examples of harmful beliefs are: This is who I am, and that's how it's always going to be...there's nothing I can do to change...I'm going to have to always be paranoid and on my guard...wherever I go, I'm always in danger.

And so on.

The good / bad thing about beliefs is that we always manage to find evidence to support them, and we give that evidence a lot of weight, no matter how small. It's bad because it makes negative beliefs powerful, but it's good because it does the same to positive beliefs. Beliefs are very malleable. This puts you in control. We want beliefs that will help us and guide us towards better outcomes.

Rather than carrying on with adverse beliefs, let me show you how to reprogram yourself with some new, fresh beliefs about ourselves and about anxiety. I want you to internalise them and when you do, they will begin to work in your favour. Instead of struggling with anxiety, quash it with a new philosophy. I want you to to internalise the following 5 beliefs...

There's always a way for you to deal with anxiety

The way you are and how your life is now may seem like it's set in stone. It's hard to imagine anything changing. But over the weeks and months, you've had experiences, made observations, learned things, and picked up things from others. You've also learned how to view and respond to things. All of that has contributed to you no longer being 100% the same as you were a year ago. It happens whether or not you know it, want it, or even care.

So rather than being set in stone, it's more like moving through water. You can let the waves carry you wherever they may, or you can take over and start swimming to a destination of your choice.

Opportunities for change are everywhere. If you pay attention, a whole world of possibilities opens up. Most of the time you have what you need to deal with anxiety. Sometimes it's obvious and sometimes you have to get a bit creative. You just have to identify and recognize your options.

Small things add up and make a big difference. You need to find out what they are, and do what you have to do. Your anxiety habit was the result of lots of contributing factors, and your shift back to confidence will be too.

You have the ability to create a Safe Zone

To guard against “danger”, you might rely on familiarity and routines. But this can restrict you and make things worse. It can, however, be done in a way that works in our favour. We can create a sense of safety that lets us comfortably and increasingly do what we want. If we do it right. Your Safe Zone is physically wherever you want it to be. It also includes situations. In fact, it's a mindset that you take wherever you go.

Telling yourself that you feel OK, using specific words (like a spell), or doing a sequence of actions (like a ritual), can be enough to associate a place or situation with an emotion. By telling yourself that you don't feel OK, you feed anxiety. So why not use the same method to intentionally fix what you've unintentionally done to yourself. For example, “I'm OK here on X street. There's no problem here.”. Or “It's always OK when I'm with this person”. Or you can take a deep breath and smile, to symbolically tell yourself that whatever you're doing or wherever you are is cool and not a problem. It can be as simple as that.

Keep expanding your Safe Zone. Whatever you're confident with, keep doing it. Gradually add more places and situations. Make your progress thorough. Don't rush it. If certain thoughts or actions make you anxious, go to your Safe Zone and desensitise yourself to those thoughts or actions with repetition. Show yourself what you're capable of. Then you'll know that you can do them anywhere.

For example, if thinking about your last panic attack or even the word “anxiety” or “panic” makes you uncomfortable, go to a place where you always feel fine, create comfortable conditions, and do it there, again and again, until it means nothing.

Eventually you'll let go, and you'll lose count of the number of things that you can comfortably do.

You are free to focus on the positive

If we had to always consciously think about how we function, we'd never have time to get anything done. So we develop habits. Habits are ways of thinking and behaving that run in the background automatically, freeing us and allowing us to get on with our lives.

But sometimes, either as a rash, defensive response, or a misguided belief, we end up forming unhelpful, even destructive habits. And then we get comfortable with them. It's like putting your hand in boiling water again and again for no reason other than you're used to it. Which is obviously ridiculous.

However, you can consciously begin to override and replace habits at any time. This means that you're in control. I want you to quit looking for negative things to preoccupy you. They're not necessary, they're not helping you, and it's just a destructive habit which is going against what you really want. Stop it!

There's always a better way of viewing things. There's always a smarter way of handling them. And there's always something to learn from any situation. And that's what you should redirect your mental effort into. Be a detective, always on the lookout for positivity.

Yes this means that you have to consciously step in and fix your perspective, and yes it will take a while. But it's worth it, because when your new habits kick in, they'll benefit you without you having to think about them much.

Almost anything can be given either a positive or negative emphasis, and then that becomes the “theme” of it. Don't worry about things that you have little or no influence over, and use your choice of focus to create positive memories. It's important to build good asociations between yourself and your experiences. Forget about negatives. A negative experience can't haunt you if you can't remember the negativity in it.

You have the power to weaken anxiety with humour

Whatever you do, don't turn into one of those people who can't laugh at themselves. I know, it's not easy to see the funny side sometimes, but humour is so powerful. You've got to have a sense of humour about it. Being oversensitive about your hangups is only going to give them power and make you take them more seriously than they deserve. Don't take it seriously. Joke about it, disarm it, be flippant. Don't give it any respect.

I don't like it when people talk about anxiety being a disorder. It sounds so ridiculous. I mean, come on, let's face it, anxiety is a silly habit that has gotten a bit out of hand. Treat it like the ludicrous baloney that it is. Letting it control you is like letting yourself get robbed by a clown with a water pistol.

If people make fun of you, don't get too uptight. Learn to be OK with it, and join in. Lighten up, make fun of yourself, and embrace your role as the weird one in the group (until you sort yourself out, that is. Then you'll be the strong one that people look up to). Remember that sometimes when people make fun of others, it's because they're trying to create comfort, mainly for themselves, but also for you. Think of it as an invitation to reassure them (and yourself) that it's not some taboo thing that must never be mentioned. If there's anyone you know who isn't aware that you have anxiety, tell them, casually. See how they respond. Then mention it again from time to time so they get used to it.

I know it might be hard to handle and you might feel belittled and insecure, but just deal with it. Trust me, I used to be uptight, but when I decided to let go, it was surprisingly easy. And it has done me a lot of good. It will take some getting used to but it's worth it. Think of it as the anxiety being belittled rather than you. That will give you a lot of perspective.

You're lucky to have anxiety

What a strange thing to say. But it's true. I don't mean that it's fun to have it. I mean that there's something to be gained from it. Maybe it's not the nicest way to gain something, but still.

People who have experience of both anxiety and confidence are in an advantageous position because they can fully appreciate and value confidence more than most. Plus they're better able to handle anxiety if it occurs again. Right now you're at one end of the spectrum. Think of what you'll be like when you reach the other end.

We have a natural tendency to laugh at slapstick. This is because we feel empathy and relief at the fact that we're not the one slipping on the banana. Today you're the butt of the joke, but as you make progress and gain control over this thing, it will bring you closer to the day when you can finally relax completely.

Often people's worst enemy is themselves. The funny thing is that usually it's something harmless that holds them back. If you can regain control and conquer your internal issues, what would that say about you? A lot of good stuff, that's what. It may not look like it now, but once you've done it, you'll be rewarded with pride, confidence and inner strength. And I'll tell you a secret: You'll get that even as you progress.

Anxiety is a test of your fortitude. Think of all the things you'll be able to handle and achieve in life once you understand what you're capable of. Not only that, but you'll be able to influence, encourage and motivate others with anxiety, and that will make you feel even better. That's a lot of good to look forward to, and there's a lot to learn along the way.

How do you feel after reading that? Do you feel any resistance? Do you think I'm being naive? Well, those are the beliefs that I choose to have. If they didn't work I'd choose different ones. The word here is choice. You're in control. What would life be like if they worked for you? Do you want to find out?

The truth is that you'll most probably spend more time being anxious and worrying about having panic attacks, than actually having them. Anxiety is like stage fright. You build up fear (that's a choice) over something that most likely won't happen. And even if it does, you still have the...drumroll...CHOICE!... to minimise it, and gradually tone it down.

At the time of writing this I believe I've only actually had about 7 or 8 panic attacks, in over a decade. Not all of them were that bad. In fact, while I was having one of them, I was laughing inside because it was happening in such a classic, textbook, predictable way, and I was thinking “Come on, you can do better than that. Be original!” Panic is just a load of old nonsense. It's like walking around in a personal thunderstorm while the rest of the world is in sunshine. I've spent far more time being anxious about panicking, than panicking. Ugh! What a waste of time!

Don't forget that beliefs support and strengthen each other. They also generate other beliefs that will come as a pleasant surprise. Enjoy the journey. It will be challenging, I know. But it's doable, and you're going to do it. I want you to adopt my beliefs as your own. They're yours if you want them.

The negative beliefs that you have now are like an old boys club, with their tired ideas that hold you back. But now we've got some new boys in town, and it's up to you to find ways to let them muscle in, shove the old boys aside, and take over.

I felt that it was important to start this by getting our beliefs in order, but now let's turn to the topic of anxiety itself.

What is it?

Summary

* There's always a way for you to deal with anxiety.

* Change is inevitable, so you may aswell steer yourself in the right direction, rather than going where the wind blows you.

* You have the ability to create a Safe Zone, which is any place or situation where you feel safe. It's also a mindset that you take with you wherever you go.

* Use rituals (words or a sequence of actions) to associate your Safe Zone with positive emotions.

* You are free to focus on the positive.

* When new beliefs and habits kick in, they'll start to benefit you without you having to think too much about it.

* The malleable nature of beliefs puts you in control, allowing you to quash anxiety with a new philosophy.

* You have the power to disarm anxiety by laughing at yourself, and letting others laugh at you.

* You're lucky to have anxiety!

* When you finally learn to handle this, you'll fully appreciate and value confidence more than most.

* Use your anxiety to learn about yourself, and to develop some pride, confidence and fortitude.

* Beliefs support and strengthen each other, and generate other beliefs that will come as a nice surprise.

* Always be on the lookout for evidence supporting your new beliefs.

* Your new beliefs are ready to take over!

Chapter 2: What Is Anxiety?

Having a new, more useful perspective than you had before is going to go a long way. However, it's just as important to know what you're dealing with, so let's take a close look at the reason for your anxiety.

Not knowing the cause of a problem is unsettling. It can make you feel incompetent, stupid and even guilty. But when you have clarity you know where you stand, you get a good idea of how to approach the problem, and you can tackle it.

Here we're going to pinpoint exactly what causes anxiety, why it does it, how it does it, how you inadvertently contribute to it, and what you can do to put a stop to it. After reading this chapter you'll understand why you've been having problems. There will be no more confusion.

Your friend, the culprit

Deep inside your brain there's a little area called the amygdala. The amygdala is there to help you when there's a threat. The way that it does this is to analyse sensory information about your surroundings, and your own thoughts and emotional state, to determine if you're in any danger.

Your amygdala doesn't think in the same way that you do. It just takes the information that's available to it, and then it does one of two things.

As long as it doesn't identify any of that information as a sign that there's a threat to you, it does nothing. But if anything gives it cause for concern, alarm bells go off and everything changes. You may have heard of the fight or flight response. Well, your amygdala is what causes it.

When you put your hand in fire or you see someone coming at you with a knife, the sensation of pain or the sight of the knife wielder, plus your desire to avoid being burned or stabbed, is enough to convince your amygdala that there's a threat. It then heightens your fear to keep you alert and motivate you to act, and it gives you adrenaline to enable you to do so quickly. At that point, one of 3 things will happen:

* You stand and fight the threatening thing

* You get the fuck out of there

* You do nothing

The amygdala isn't there to tell you how to respond. It just says “Danger! Do something! Here's some adrenaline! Go!” But it doesn't like indecision or inaction. If you do nothing, it increases the fear and adrenaline so that you'll act.

When it's all over, your amygdala stops the fight or flight response, makes a mental note of what happened, and calms down. But it's always lurking in the background, waiting, watching out for danger, like a powerful antivirus software. It's doing it right now as you read this. Your amygdala is your friend.

Fear, reality and imagination

Your amygdala helps you fight or avoid things that are usually a danger to us all. Things like bombs or approaching lions. But if, for whatever reason, you personally believe something to be dangerous, highly unpleasant, or otherwise to be avoided, your amygdala takes note. Then, if it ever gets sensory information, thoughts or emotions from you that indicate the presence of that thing, it triggers fight or flight. But your amygdala doesn't distinguish much between reality and imagination. Even if you think or worry about that thing, that's enough to trigger it, at least to an extent. It may even react to stuff that resembles that information, or has some association with it. Pretty clever, under normal circumstances at least.

If you have a phobia, think about it now and see how you feel. Isn't it funny how you can feel fear about something that isn't even there? That's your amygdala saying “Danger!” It's trying so hard to protect you that it takes very little to trigger it. Me personally, I've always had a huge phobia of an insect found in hot countries, whose name begins with C, has 2 syllables, 9 letters and ends with CH. It's so bad that just now when I looked it up to confirm if it really is an insect, I found it hard to even type it. And when it came up I saw pictures and I had to squint to avoid looking at them. I don't know why but I associate them with pure evil. Anyay I should stop talking about it. Ugh. Let's get back on topic.

Fear and panic is not only normal, it's necessary and useful to you. It helps you get out of trouble fast. Think about it, you have a little part of your brain dedicated to turning you into a fast acting danger fighter / avoider. Without it, you'd probably be dead by now. Your amygdala has saved your ass many times, so let's hear it for our amygdalas. Yeah!

Most people's amygdalas get it wrong on occasion, and that's normal too. But obviously for you it's a bit more problematic than that. The problem isn't a constant presence of real danger. I mean, it's not as if your life is filled with threats (and even if it was, you'd adapt). Nor is the problem a faulty fight or flight response. I'm sure you know that all too well.

So what's the problem? Why do you have recurrent anxiety?

What's up with your amygdala?

Amygdala: Hey! Danger!

You: Huh?

Amygdala: You're under threat! Come on, do something!

You: What are you talking about?

Amygdala: You mean you don't know?

You: I don't see anything! What's going on?

Amygdala: Well...erm...obviously something's going on, otherwise I wouldn't be warning you! Trust me, I know what I'm talking about.

You: But what is it?

Amygdala: What is it? What's with the questions? Come on, we don't have time to waste. It's coming!

You: What's coming? Why are you making me feel scared? Why do I feel pumped up for no reason?

Amygdala: Look, if you don't act right now, I'll make you feel worse, if that's what it takes.

You: Why are you doing this to me? If there's a threat, why don't you know what it is?

Amygdala: Oh for crying out loud! Look, are you going to stay and fight, or are you going to run? It's up to you, but you need to make a choice. If you stay there and do nothing, I'll make this feeling worse until you DO SOMETHING!

You: But I told you, I don't see anything dangerous! And if anything is going to harm me, it's you! You're making me suffer and I don't even know what I'm supposed to be looking out for!

Amygdala: You think this is bad? How about now?

You: Aaargh! You're supposed to be on my side!

Amygdala: I am, I'm trying you help you! What do I have to do to make you do something?

You: Do what? I don't have a clue what I'm supposed to be dealing with!

Amygdala: What kind of a masochist are you? You're just making it worse for yourself!

You: Aaaaargh!

And there's the problem. Well meaning as it may be, your amygdala has turned a bit loopy. Let's take a closer look.

Panic

Your amygdala reacts to perceived threats extremely fast, and so it should. When you're busy doing whatever you're doing, you need something that's going to swoop in and put you in survival mode instantly, without you having to think. It's like being given a sword and a pair of rocket boots, and the choice to fight or run.

If you happen to agree that there's really a threat, and you see it, you go into action mode and you deal with it. You're too busy fighting or fleeing to worry about how fast it's all happening. It's only afterwards that it hits you just how suddenly you went from calm to intense. Although this can shake you up a bit, it usually subsides, and at least the whole event makes sense. You know why it happened and you get over it, because you have closure. In fact you're grateful to your amygdala, and to yourself.

But when you don't see a threat, you don't do anything. So you're standing there, with unwanted and unnecessary fear and adrenaline, and nothing to focus on. Your amygdala then makes things worse by screaming at you in disbelief that you're just standing there like an idiot, and gives you even more fear in the hope that you'll act. It thinks you're CRAZY! And it doesn't care that you're confused. It just wants you to act now! Your discomfort and increasing fear then makes your amygdala think that you're in even more danger, and so you end up with something like a feedback loop. If you put a microphone next to a speaker, the electrical signal from any sound that enters the mic will make its way to the speaker, get picked up by the mic again, and so on, until you get a screech.

The truth is that you're on the receiving end of your own power. It's like shooting yourself in the foot. You're feeling the full force of a mechanism that's meant to fight external things, not you. This can really shake you up. The suddenness and confusion is like a silent, emotional explosion inside you and I know how horrible it is. This is a panic attack.

Your fight or flight sequence is working perfectly. The problem is that your amygdala is oversensitive, overzealous, and its judgment is way off. It's trying to help you but it's out of touch with reality. Worse still, it thinks it's doing the right thing. Or it would, if it could think.

Anxiety

When all this nonsense happens repeatedly, or if it happens once in a big way, understandably you become paranoid. You start to wonder, “If this can happen now, it can happen again at any time and I have no way of knowing. Who knows what will set it off next time?”

So you start to avoid actions, places, people, situations, anything that you believe might set it off. You might even try to avoid certain emotions in case they trigger it. You may even end up doing things in such a way as to avoid the risk, which can lead to obsessive compulsive behaviour. You can also become oversensitive to and threatened by the silliest of little things. In effect, you train your amygdala to see innocuous things as dangerous, in a desperate but misguided attempt to stay safe. This is anxiety. It totally makes sense in its own way, so don't feel too bad about it.

So where does your amygdala get the idea that something is dangerous?

You!

Whether or not you know it or mean to, it's your own behaviour that's indirectly causing the problem. When a thermostat thinks it's too cold, it raises the temperature. When it thinks it's too hot, it lowers it. But if you fill the room with ice or build a fire, it's going to respond accordingly, regardless of reality (aka the weather).

When you allow yourself to react to something with worry or fear, your amygdala takes that as a sign that the thing you're reacting to should trigger the fight or flight sequence next time. And so it does. Wouldn't you do the same if you were someone's amygdala?

If you deliberately jumped every time the phone rang, and you did it enough times, eventually your amygdala would take your reaction as proof that ringing phones are things to fight or run from. Try it over the next few days. No don't do it, I'm just kidding.

So it's up to you to give it the correct information, and you do that by paying attention to how you react to things, and making sure you react appropriately.

If you keep experiencing anxiety repeatedly (regardless of why, or whether or not there's a real threat), the panic "routine" becomes stronger. You reinforce the perceived need for the fight or flight response. Your amygdala thinks that you're plagued by threats, and so it keeps you on high alert. Not good.

Is anxiety itself dangerous?

Well, put it this way. Why would your system even have a panic "procedure" (fight or flight) built into it? It's there to protect you, not kill you. Its very existence is to ensure your survival.

Obviously, having an anxiety issue makes you prone to inordinate amounts of stress at times, but you were built to handle it. Just put any thoughts that you're in physical danger out of your mind. The worst that can happen is fear and confusion, and maybe some related physical responses like sweating or whatever.

Short answer: No, not really.

You can retrain your amygdala

Getting into the habit of worrying about a situation that you know very well presents no danger, is a bad move. It just gives your amygdala more reasons to take your worrying seriously, more reasons to say “See? Told you this was dangerous!” and then trigger fight or flight, which makes you worry even more.

It's a vicious cycle and you have to stop it. Quit going through the motions of acting like you're scared whenever some little thing happens, just because you're told to fight or run. Like I said earlier, your amygdala doesn't think like you do. It takes what it sees and what you tell it, and it reacts. The responsibility of fixing your habitual anxiety is yours.

Your amygdala learns from experience. With repetition you can update the old information that you've been feeding it, until it learns from your new behaviour and attitude that there's no threat. It takes a while to sink in, and there will be some resistance, but that's how it is.

Without meaning to be insensitive, I don't really care what the cause of your anxiety is, and you shouldn't dwell on it much. I only care about solutions. Life is too short to psychoanalyse yourself to death. You don't need to know every single detail about what caused it. If you can figure it out, that's fine, but if you can't, no worries. What's important is learning to fix it by bringing balance back to an oversensitive amygdala.

And don't worry, you won't lose the ability to detect real danger. Your amygdala will return to normal and it will be business as usual. Just like the good old days. But it's you that has to lead the way.

In this book I'm not going to focus on symptoms. You know what yours are, you don't need me to go on about them. We're only going to focus on solutions.

So let's get on with it.

Summary

* Your amygdala lies dormant in the background, waiting for signs of danger based on your surroundings, thoughts and emotions.

* It reacts very quickly to perceived threats (real, imagined or unspecified), and quickly puts you in fight or flight mode.

* It doesn't tell you how to respond, but it wants you to fight or run, even if there's no threat.

* If you do nothing (because you see no threat), it increases your fear and adrenaline to get you to act, causing undue anxiety or a panic attack.

* Anxiety and panic are unpleasant, but not dangerous.

* Your fight or flight sequence is working perfectly. The problem is that your amygdala is oversensitive.

* When you worry, your amygdala takes that as a sign of danger.

* Habitual anxiety is when you worry about setting off panic, so you avoid actions, places, people and situations.

* When you have clarity about the cause of anxiety, you can deal with it.

* There's no need to dwell on the specific root of your anxiety issue.

* You need to learn to react to things appropriately.

* Over time, you can teach your amygdala to be more moderate, and less highly strung and excitable.

* You won't lose the ability to detect real danger. Your amygdala will return to normal and it do its job properly.

Chapter 3: Home Alone

Now that we understand what's actually going on whenever anxiety happens, let's look at the most common situation that you'll find yourself in, which is, of course, being at home.

Having a panic attack when you're out and about can leave you wishing you could snap your fingers and be in a safe, familiar environment where you're in control. But despite your home being the one place where you should always feel safest, occasionally you might feel a bit weird even there.

So let's deal with that first. Let me show you some really easy things that you can start doing right now to reduce the likelihood of feeling anxious at home. If you do them, you'll turn your home into a place of calm and confidence.

Keep your home clutter free

A cluttered up home makes for a cluttered, confused mind, and you don't need that. You might think it won't make much difference, but it really does. Having a tidy home environment helps you to think clearly and relax.

Spend half a day having a big clearout. Go through each room, get all your possessions, and separate them into 3 piles.

Pile 1: For things that you think you need

Pile 2: For things that you're not sure about

Pile 3: For things that you don't think you'll want to keep

Don't think too hard about it, just get everything into a pile. Or put different coloured stickers on items that are too big to move around.

Then, go through pile 2 and make a decision to get rid of it or to keep it. Then do the same with pile 1. As soon as you have plenty of stuff in pile 3, bin it all. Get it out of your life. Then arrange what's left so that you have as much space as possible. You should do this every few months.

Turn your bedroom into a place for relaxation. Create as much space as possible, make it as aesthetically pleasing as you can, and make use of relaxing colours like blue and green. And keep windows open most of the time.

Create physical comfort

If you're too hot, it may make you fidgety and prone to anxiety at times. So make sure that there's a pleasant, comfortable temperature throughout your home. When it's cold, it's not so bad. In fact, a low temperature is very helpful, hence the following advice.

Open your curtains and keep windows open to create a nice flow of air. Hearing and seeing the outside world will also blur the lines between inside and outside and prevent you from feeling isolated.

Have a fan positioned wherever you spend the most time, and one for your bedroom too. Keep a bottle of water close by, and some ice in the freezer. You'll have the ability to instantly feel fresh, cool and hydrated if you're feeling anxious. This will give you the peace of mind of knowing that you can control your environment, and it will reduce the chances of you panicking. Drinking water also keeps your mind alert so you can think clearly and rationally.

Get a spray bottle and fill it with water so you can spray yourself and keep cool. If it's really hot and it's just you, go ahead and get naked if that's what it takes to cool down. Just make sure you can quickly get dressed if you need to. Unless you're very friendly with the neighbours, or you're an exhibitionist like me.

Arrange your furniture so that your lounge has a pleasant vibe to it. Make your bedroom comfortable and a place of balance and safety. Put a nice relaxing picture on the wall.

If you're a nervous, jumpy sort of person, try setting an abrupt alarm over and over again until it becomes meaningless. That's a good way to train your amygdala to not take stuff like that seriously. If your doorbell is loud and abrupt, ring it repeatedly for the same effect.

One more tip. We often associate nice emotions and memories with scents, so get some incense or air freshener to create a nice atmosphere.

Create familiarity

There may be times when sitting around at home with nothing much to do could make you nervous, restless and prone to anxiety. Maybe you had an unfortunate event or conversation earlier and it's bothering you, or it could just be one of those days.

It's times like that when you should give yourself something to keep you focused and occupied. There's nothing wrong with a little bit of routine if that's what it takes. So if you're at home with nothing much going on, here are some suggestions for keeping you pleasantly occupied.

List a few TV programmes that give you a sense of comfort and familiarity. It doesn't have to be anything particularly intellectual, just stuff that makes you feel pleasant, for whatever reason. Familiar faces and theme tunes can have a soothing effect. It's good to have something nice to look forward to, even if it's just in the background. Then tell yourself that when those programmes are on, everything is cool. Just knowing that something nice will be on soon is enough to create the same feeling.

Do the same thing with radio stations. Find an interesting talk radio show and get into it. Train yourself to find the host's voice reassuring.

Have a nice range of books to read. Choose topics that will keep you engaged for a long time.

What's your favourite food? Try to have something nice prepared that you can grab whenever you like. They don't call it comfort food for no reason.

Think of activities that you like doing, and do them mostly at certain times, so you have something to look forward to. If you're going to do chores around the house, play some relaxing or uplifting music while you do them. I used to go for walks at night and when I came back I put on the radio and did some washing up. It became a very comforting thing for me, but I don't do it any more because I gradually found myself needing it less and less.

If there's a particular time or day when you're more likely to feel restless, you now have plenty of ways to change that, and turn it into a time of pleasantness.

The idea is to give yourself the peace of mind of knowing that there's always something to focus on. Don't stick to the same things for too long. Mix it up. Get into different habits. Let them evolve. That way you won't become dependent on anything in particular, and you'll train yourself to seek comfort in whatever you happen to be doing.

You don't have to do all of this. Just pick what you think will help. Try not to get compulsive about it. It might feel weird at first, having all these little things in place, but it will help a lot, and after a while it's no big deal. And the best part is that over time you'll naturally let go.

Maintain positivity

What you do and what you think about really does influence how you feel. I want you to replace all unnecessary negativity with things that help you. If you want to turn your home and your thoughts into sources of positivity, you're going to have to look at your habits, and change a few things.

Avoid negative, demotivating TV programmes, music and websites. Make a list of interesting and positive programmes like nature documentaries and feel good movies. Skip the news. It's mostly depressing anyway. Listen to uplifting or relaxing music that makes you feel good, rather than dark, pessimistic songs. Do a search for positive, inspiring websites, and check them out. You'll be surprised how much you'll find.

Reading books, articles and forums about anxiety can work for or against you. First of all, try not to do it too often. There's no need to dwell on anxiety all the time. Secondly, even though they may mean well, some forum members tend to be negative, and you really don't want that to rub off on you. If you like, why not use forums to create a role for yourself as someone who is making progress, and has advice to share. Reinvent yourself as a mentor.

If you really want to get a fellow anxious person's opinion, or you want to see if anyone has asked a question that you have in mind, go for it. Just don't overdo it. Stick to reading stuff that focuses on offering solutions, rather than problems or victim mentality.

The same goes for thinking about anxiety. If you're going to think about it, think about solutions. Don't allow yourself to worry about something without ending on a good note. I'm telling you right now that even the smallest scrap of positivity makes a difference, if you give it loads of attention. Become a master at spotting every positive aspect to a situation, and magnifying it.

Your Safe Zone starts at home. The last thing you want is to be anxious there. It's happened to me a few times and it's particularly irritating because where do you go? So don't let it get to that. Your home should be the one place where you can easily get your thoughts together and be yourself.

I also don't want you to become too obsessive about the things that we've just looked at. Just do them, develop some good habits, then leave it. And then occasionally change things around a bit. For example, rearrange your furniture from time to time, or try out different radio stations, TV programmes and activities at home.

If you can think of anything else that will make life easier for you at home, put it in place. You want to create a nice, comfortable, decluttered environment, and have plenty of pleasant things to get on with.

There's a lot more we can do to make your home even more of a haven. And while we're at, it we can make the prospect of expanding your Safe Zone beyond it not such a bad one. That's what we're going to look at next.

Summary

* Your Safe Zone starts at home.

* Have a big clearout every few months. Categorize all your belongings into “need”, “don't know yet” and “don't need”. Try to get rid of as much as you can.

* Arrange your furniture so that your lounge has a pleasant vibe to it.

* To maintain a nice, cool temperature, keep your windows open, get some fans, and a spray bottle.

* If you're a jumpy person, set an abrupt alarm and ring your doorbell, repeatedly, until it has no effect on you.

* Make your bedroom relaxing, spacious, and aesthetically pleasing.

* Get some incense or air freshener to create a nice atmosphere.

* Get into pleasant TV programmes, radio stations and books.

* Always have nice snacks prepared that you can grab whenever you want.

* Plan pleasant activities to give you something to look forward to.

* Play relaxing or uplifting music while you do chores.

* Try not to get compulsive about anything. Don't stick to the same things for too long. Get into different habits. Mix it up.

* Don't dwell on anxiety too often. When thinking about it, focus on positive solutions.

* If you can think of anything else that will make life easier for you at home, go for it.

Chapter 4: Peace of Mind Wherever You Are

You now have a pleasant and relaxed home environment. That's your first step. Now I'm going to show you an unusual but very effective way to increase your comfort level. Not just at home, but wherever you go.

It's not easy to predict when you're going to feel vulnerable and susceptible to anxiety. It seems to have a life of its own, and a habit of springing up out of the blue. Having some crutches to rely on can be very helpful.

The following suggestions are measures that you can take to give yourself a sense of safety and peace of mind wherever you happen to be. These are all very easy things that you can do any time, and you can do them all within a few days.

Around the house

Get 3 small boxes, and 2 small transparent plastic bags (like the ones that you get from the bank). In each, put the following items:

* Mints, cough sweets, and sugar free chewing gum (all unwrapped)

* An inhaler (that you use when you've got a blocked nose)

* Lip balm

Make sure you always have a plentiful supply of all these items. We'll call them our fresh items.

The reason for this is, well, I don't know about you but for me personally, if I feel that I can't breathe properly, or I don't feel fresh, it makes me more prone to anxiety than I might already be. There's something about a nice, fresh mint or cough sweet that I find comforting. It also gives me something to keep me occupied and distracted, not to mention that having fresh breath reduces the chance of feeling sick. If you know what I'm talking about I'm sure you'll find it helpful too. If you can think of other similar items specific to you, put them in too.

Now, go to each room in your house and put in the following:

Lounge

* A box of your fresh items.

* A bottle of water, close to where you usually sit.

* A fan. Position it wherever you're likely to need it most often.

Bedroom

* A box of your fresh items.

* A bottle of water by your bed, within arm's reach.

* A fan pointing right at you when you're lying down.

* Incense (and an incense holder) or some kind of nice, comforting scent. Chamomile and lavender are particularly relaxing.

* A radio, set to a relaxing station.

Bathroom

* A box of your fresh items.

* A bottle of water.

Kitchen

* A bottle of water in the fridge.

* Some ice in the freezer.

Corridor

* A bottle of water.

* Enough cash for a long cab journey home. If you're ever out and about and you need to get a cab home but you don't have enough money on you, it's nice to know that you can pop in when you arrive and just grab some. It's better than being anxious, wondering how you'll get home. You might also want to make sure you always have plenty of cash in the bank, for the same reason.

* A bumbag / fanny pack (I'll explain this shortly).

What's the reason for all this? To give yourself the best chance of being able to calm down if you ever feel anxious at home. Just knowing that these things are in place can be enough to make a difference. If you can think of other similar things to add, go for it.

And don't worry about other people thinking this is weird. I mean, what's there to even notice? Nothing much, really. And if you have visitors, you'll have what you need wherever you are without running around nervously. You can have a sip of water or a mint almost instantly, or pop into your bedroom and turn on the fan and radio. Instant change of mood.

Your pocket / jacket

Have the following items permanently in your pocket or jacket:

* A pen and a piece of paper with your name, address and phone number on it. And another for writing stuff down or doodling to keep your mind busy. Better still, a small notebook for both purposes.

* One more piece of paper for you to write down some helpful affirmations (or use a notebook).

If you find yourself in a situation where you need assistance, but you're so anxious that it's hard to talk, this will serve as a real lifeline. For example, if you need to quickly get a cab home, just showing your details will make it obvious what you need.

* Your wallet, with more than enough cash to get you home if you need to do so quickly. If you want more peace of mind, put in $100 / £100 if that's what it takes.

* Something to read. It should be easy to carry, i.e. a small book or reading device.

* A bag of your fresh items.

If you're one of those people who feels the need to keep checking to make sure that you have everything, then get it all out of your system and check it 10 or 20 times, or until you get sick of checking. Then forget about it.

Bumbag / Fanny pack

In the US they're known as fanny packs. In the UK they're known as bumbags. Whatever you want to call it, it's a small pouch with a zip and a strap that goes round your waist. Get one, and put these items in it:

* A bag of your fresh items. I know we've already got them in our jacket / pocket, but we want peace of mind, and assurance that we have what we need at all times no matter what.

* A hand held fan (don't forget batteries).

* A small book.

* Some cash.

Keep it in an easily visible spot in your corridor, so you'll remember to grab it on your way out if you feel you need it. Taking it with you when you're out and about will give you almost the same sense of security as being at home (if you tell yourself this enough times). You may want to take it if it's too hot for a jacket (which will already have most of the same things in it).

By the way, there's nothing to be embarrassed about. No one's going to think you look weird so don't worry about it. A bumbag / fanny pack isn't an unusual sight. Besides, you can easily conceal it. This is a great way to take everything you need without drawing attention to yourself.

Just so you know, for the rest of the book I'll refer to it as a bumbag.

Your computer & devices

Create a folder on your computer desktop and give it a name. If you don't want people to know about it, give it a boring name that no one will be interested in, or hide it inside another folder on your desktop. Or both. The important thing is that it's easy to find. Whatever devices you have, put them to good use too. We're going to ensure that we're always armed with resources that we can turn to.

Now spend a couple of hours on the internet, as well as looking through the stuff you already have on your computer, and collect links or files for your computer and all your devices. I'm talking about things like:

* Music: Anything uplifting or relaxing. Classical, Jazz, Gospel, Funk, songs with positive lyrics and themes. Whatever does it for you.

* Radio stations that play similar music. And talk radio stations.

* Other audio to put you in a nice mood – i.e. meditation, hypnosis.

* Books: There are a ton of books out there to download, and it's not hard to find free ones. Create a little library of helpful books to turn to, and to keep you occupied. Hopefully you'll include this one!

* Audiobooks: Same thing. Especially helpful if you have other things that you want to focus on. Very useful if you're driving, for example.

* Videos: Comedy, people talking about how they overcame anxiety, inspirational stories, movies, documentaries, motivational speeches, whatever makes you feel positive.

* Games: For those times when you just need to keep your mind busy for a while.

* Websites: Blogs, forums, specific articles. There's a ton of information out there. You may as well have quick and easy access to the most helpful stuff.

* Record a pep talk: Write down the most reassuring things that you could possibly say to yourself if you're feeling anxious, and record yourself saying them, to yourself. Now you have something very personalised to listen to. And the fact that it's you talking will give you confidence, morale and faith in yourself.

Easy! And so useful. It can really make all the difference. It works for me and I bet it will work for you too. Now organise everything so that you can find whatever you need fast.

You might also want to include travel information, timetables and street maps, for those times when you need to get from A to B without getting flustered.

If you feel anxious or have a panic attack, whether at home or out and about, you're better off prepared. The idea here is to equip you with whatever you feel will help you get through it. It's all about preparation, and more importantly, peace of mind, which is pretty much the opposite of anxiety, right?

Often you won't even need any of this stuff, but the feeling of security that it gives you will help you be more confident.

If there are any specific places that you regularly go to, you can easily put some items there too. I'm talking about where you work, your relatives' and friends' houses (if they'll let you), your car, and anywhere else.

It might seem a bit over the top to go through all this, but hey, you just have to do what works. I've done much of this myself and it works, so hopefully it will help you too.

It won't take long to implement all this stuff. Get it all done, then forget about it. Just be sure to top up on things like mints and water. If you absolutely must keep checking that you have everything, do it repeatedly until you get sick of checking. Get it out of your system.

And don't worry about any of this stuff looking weird to other people. There's not really much to notice. But it will make a difference to you, and that's what's important. In fact, if they notice and you tell them exactly why you've done it, they might just think you're pretty cool for going to such lengths to solve a problem.

Summary

* Keep a stash of items at home, in your pocket or jacket, and in a bumbag, that you feel will aid you in times of anxiety. Don't forget to stock up on them.

* Don't be too quick to use them and don't become too dependent on them. Use them mainly for reassurance.

* Keep some cash in your corridor. Enough so that if you ever need a cab home, you can pop in and pay for it if you don't have enough cash on you.

* Carry a pen and small notebook with your details on it, and some helpful affirmations.

* Always have plenty of cash in your wallet.

* If you feel the need to keep checking that you have everything, do it loads of times and get it out of your system.

* Keep your bumbag in your corridor, where you can clearly see it and grab it on your way out if you need to.

* If you can, keep a few things at your workplace and other places where you go to regularly.

* Collect useful files and links, such as songs, radio stations, meditation and hypnosis, books and audiobooks, videos, games, blogs, forums, articles, and travel information. Keep them somewhere easily accessible on your computer and devices.

* All this can be done in just a couple of days. Then you can just forget about it and relax.

Chapter 5: Out And About

Having a “safe” home is great for peace of mind. However, it's important to feel safe wherever you go. But having anxiety often involves a fear of certain places and situations. Some people develop only mild agoraphobia, while others become almost housebound. I know what it's like to be a certain distance away from home, worrying about all the mental effort and logistics required to get my ass back to safety.

But like I said at the beginning, there's always a way for you to deal with your anxiety. I don't care how bad it is for you, we're going to get you out that door.

We're not going to deal with longer journeys just yet. That will be covered in chapter 7. Here we're going to talk about getting out and about locally, either when you have errands to do, or just for its own sake.

Connect with the outside world

Let's start with something easy that anyone can do. I want you to get into the habit of keeping windows open. The sights, sounds, air and temperature will keep you connected with the outside world, and blur the line between “in here” and “out there”. If you have a garden or balcony, spend loads of time there. Anything that you usually do indoors that can be moved outside, do it. Even watching travel programmes, flicking through holiday brochures and looking at maps are good ways to stay connected.

Make it a policy of popping outside every single day, at least once. Think up some reasons to do so. If you can't think of any, then just pop out anyway, even for 5 or 10 minutes. A short walk to the shops will do.

Get in the habit of going for walks. Round the block, or to the end of the street and back. No one's looking, no one cares. If you're nervous around many people, pick a less busy time. Walk the same route repeatedly to create familiarity.

Night walking. I've done this myself a lot and it's nice. Try it. Apart from maybe a couple of people here and there, and a bit of traffic, it almost feels like the streets are all yours. I find it very liberating. If early mornings suit you better, do it. The point is to have a tranquil experience of being outdoors.

Day or night, just pick a time, and get out there.

If you have difficulty, try timing yourself. Venture out for 2 and a half minutes, then walk back, calm in the knowledge that it's only going to take you another 2 and a half minutes. Surely you can handle that? Gradually extend the time and see how far you can take it. Or you can listen to music and head back after a certain number of songs. The more time you spend out there, the less intimidating it will become. Don't forget to take your bumbag and water bottle with you.

Make it easy to manage

Lower the bar as far as you need to, and start there. Replace excuses with ways to make it as easy for yourself as possible. If it helps, wear loose fitting clothes with soothing colours like blue or green. If you can only make it a couple of minutes down the street, that's fine. It's a start. Just start walking, and if you feel a bit weird, make a mental note of where you got to, and turn back until it's not so bad. Then stay in that spot for a while and see how you feel.

Do it time and time again, and then very gradually go a little bit further out. Even just a few feet at a time. Just keep making progress, no matter how small. It all adds up.

As you're walking, take the time to observe and absorb your surroundings. Notice the houses, shops, parked cars, and any permanent landmarks like trees and certain buildings. What you want to do is become as familiar with this outside environment as you are with your own home. You want the streets surrounding your home to feel like an extension of it, like tentacles.

Once you've mastered that route and gone as far as you can, do the same again but in a different direction from your home. Walk the same distance. Remember that although everything will look different, it's basically the same walk, in terms of time spent doing it. Continue walking out in different directions until you're comfortable with the area around your home up to whatever radius you want.

You'll have the reassurance that any time you find yourself within that radius, you'll be OK, because it will be just like being at home. Remember what I said about rituals in Chapter 1? This is a good opportunity to do one. Whenever you're out and about, remind yourself that you're essentially at home. And of course, now you'll be in a position to experiment and be more flexible. For example, why not create a network of familiar routes that link to each other. Or pick certain places (i.e. parks, bus stops) and designate them as outposts of your lounge. It's not hard to colonise your whole neighbourhood.

Prolong your time spent outside

The simple fact is that once you're out there, you're out there. It's just as easy to be out and about for an hour as it is for half an hour. Or maybe it's a bit different for you. Find out when that point is, when you no longer care so much about time. Whatever it happens to be, the fact remains that the longer you're out, the more confidence it gives you.

If you have errands to do, list them and do them all in one journey. Otherwise, think of stuff that needs doing in the near future, and do it all now. Or just walk around and see what's what. The important thing is to have something to keep you busy and focused.

Once you've established what you're going to do, decide on the order that you're going to do it in, and plan your route from one place to the next. Again, this will keep your mind focused.

If you like, why not set a timer and make sure that you're away from home for the whole duration. This will give you a sense of achievement as you return home.

If you want to extend your time spent out further, have a go at taking the long route from place to place. And remember, you don't have to be on the move the whole time. You can just sit down and plant yourself somewhere for a bit. A good place to go to is a library, or some place where no one cares what you do, where you can just sit, relax and do your own thing.

On your way back, why not take a slight detour. Exceeding your own expectations is very good for morale. It's much easier to take detours when you're on your way home, as most of the challenge will be over.

Getting back to your old self isn't hard. The outside world is always there. You're always welcome to it. Don't allow yourself to become housebound. It can creep up on you so don't let it happen. Everything you do counts.

Remember, no matter what level you're at, it can always be extended. You just have to repeat, get used to it, then branch out. The key is: Small and often, then progress.

If you follow my suggestions, you'll be able to calmly walk around in your local area, and get on with your day. This will give you the foundation to handle being further away from home. So do it.

Now let's build some more confidence. It's time to deal with visitors.

Summary

* Don't let yourself become housebound. Spend lots of time outdoors. The longer and more often you're out, the more confident you'll become.

* Give yourself easy challenges, do your best, don't give yourself a hard time if you can't manage it, and only measure successes.

* Choose a time to walk that's best for you. If too much traffic or people bothers you, do it at night or early in the morning.

* Keep yourself occupied by incorporating errands into your walks.

* Set a timer and try to be away from home for the whole duration. Gradually extend the time and see how far you can take it.

* Listen to music and measure your progress by the number of songs played.

* Observe and become familiar and comfortable with your local surroundings and landmarks.

* Exceed your expectations by taking detours on your way back home.

* Repeat your journeys, gradually make them longer, keep making progress.

* Mark your territory. Create routes that spread out in different directions from your house, like tentacles.

* Expand your Safe Zone by creating a network of familiar routes that link to each other. Do this and you'll always feel safe in your local area.

Chapter 6: They're Coming!

When you're out and about, you always have the option of heading back home if it gets a bit tricky. But what about when you have visitors?

It can be daunting to have your safe space taken over, and the whole vibe changed. You have to adjust to accommodate them, and if you let them down or end up sending them away, they'll feel like they've wasted their time. Then you'll feel self conscious because they'll probably think twice before coming again.

Your own home should always be comfortable for you, even with other people there. Remember, it's your place, and only you are in charge of how you feel. Let's take a look at how it's possible for you to have visitors without feeling too nervous.

Get in there first and invite them over!

Imagine that someone is in your house right now. If you knew that they were going to be gone in 5 minutes, would you feel nervous? I'm guessing that it wouldn't bother you much.

But what if you had no idea how long they were going to hang around? Or you did, and it was an hour? You'd probably find yourself counting every second before they finally get out of your hair.

Look, there's an easy way to have visitors while staying in control: You get in there first and invite them! Here's how you do it.

Think of the one person you know who you feel the most comfortable with. Preferably someone who knows about your anxiety and is understanding about it.

Pick a specific day and time in the near future when you know you'll be free.

Ask that person to come over at that time. Think up a reason, but make sure it's a casual, informal visit.

Make it clear to them that it will only be for a short time. However much time you have free, make it less. So if you're free for 2 hours, ask them to come over for half an hour. Don't tell them that you really have a whole two hours free.

That way, when their time is up, you will have the option to send them on their way, or have them stay a while longer. No pressure on you.

If you can only manage to have them for the time that you said, that's good enough. And if you exceed that time, that's a bonus. Either way, you get to experience having a visitor in a way that gives you an escape option and is easy to handle.

Prepare yourself before visitors arrive

If you have to have someone round for whatever reason, or if someone invites themselves over, here's how to give yourself the best chance of feeling calm.

Get a doorbell with a relaxing sound that won't make your heart stop. Set your phone volume to medium, so if they call you won't become jumpy and nervous.

Come up with an excuse for cutting their visit short, and let them know in advance that they might not be able to stay beyond a certain time. Having a way out will give you peace of mind.

Think of interesting conversation topics to get into as soon as they arrive. Prepare something to show them. Check what's going to be on TV. If you have a pet, have them around. The idea is to divert some of their attention away from you. Less pressure.

Get into a relaxed but alert mindset. Have a shower or splash water on your face. Do some light exercise for 5 minutes. Pop outside briefly and walk around.

You might get hungry while they're there. If you find it hard to eat in front of others, eat something tasty and filling, and finish it one hour before they arrive. Have a mint to get rid of the taste. Prepare a snack in case they stay for a long time. If you're hungry while they're there, you can take a discreet bite.

A few psychological tricks: Write down an encouraging thought, put it in your pocket, and you'll feel protected (if you let yourself). Smile for 5 minutes. Yes it's crazy but it will change your mood. Imagine that they're already there. Picture yourself handling it well, like an athlete rehearsing winning a race before it starts. Grant yourself 5 minutes of uninterrupted “no worries” time. It's easier than you think. Just make sure you do it well before your guests arrive.

In your bedroom, turn on the radio and burn some incense to create an instant sanctuary. Finally, lie down and listen to some relaxing music while you wait.

When visitors arrive

When they arrive, you'll probably have a lot on your mind. Maybe they'll have their eyes on you the whole time, expecting you to keep them entertained, right? And maybe you'll struggle to keep calm and distracted enough to get through it.

Relax. The key is to maintain control of your environment. Realise that this is easier than you might think. You already have everything you need, you just need to use it.

Have your water bottle ready, and designate a room where you can get away if you need to.

If a knock on the door or the sound of your doorbell is likely to make you jumpy, keep your door open. You'll most likely hear them calling you instead. Or if you prefer, walk outside and wait for them there. Decide what would make you more comfortable.

Have the TV on. When they arrive, there will be something going on to keep them occupied.

Start a conversation immediately. If there's more than one person, have them chat amongst themselves to take the attention and pressure off you. Let them take over and do most of the talking, and join in as much or as little as you like.

If you need to, leave the room for a while, compose yourself, and take a bite of your snack or a sip of your water.

If you need them to leave, just give the excuse, I mean reason...that you told them before. But try to hang in there.

You'll find that time will pass quickly, and you'll feel good about how you handled it, which will make it easier in future.

Now that you know how to make it easy on yourself, you can look forward to that moment at the end when you look back and laugh at how smooth and painless it was.

The feeling of having to “perform” for others can be eliminated simply by applying some forethought. I've shown you how easy it is to prepare for visitors, how to handle yourself when they're in your home, and how you can even invite them over yourself and remain in control.

It all boils down to giving yourself an escape plan to take the pressure off, using the time before they arrive to get mentally prepared, and then keeping them busy.

Put my suggestions into practise as soon as possible. I bet you'll surprise yourself!

Now, remember when we talked about walking around locally? Well, how about travelling a little bit further. Let's look at that next.

Summary

* Pick someone that you're comfortable with and ask them to come over until a certain time. Then decide if you want to have them for longer or send them home.

* Have something interesting prepared to show your visitor(s), or a conversation topic to keep the attention off you.

* Relax with light exercise and / or a shower, or splash water on your face.

* Eat something tasty and filling one hour before they arrive, and prepare a snack to pick at you if get hungry during their visit.

* Have your water bottle ready, and designate a room where you can get away if you need to.

* Lie down and listen to some relaxing music while you wait.

* When they arrive tell them that their visit might have to be cut short.

* If you feel a bit funny, leave the room, compose yourself and take a sip of water if you need to.

* If you need them to leave, just give the excuse that you told them about before. But try to hang in there.

Travelling

Overcoming the pressure of having visitors will go a long way to shaking you free of anxiety. But what about the tension that can arise when you're far from home? That can often be a major challenge. It certainly has been for me, ever since my train incident. Here we're going to look at short to medium journeys on public transport or in a car.

There's something about being a certain distance from home that can cause restlessness and worrying. It's easy to feel trapped and helpless.

The solution is to do everything you can to turn the situation on its head, so that it works in your favour. I'm going to show you how you can go on a short “practise” journey with some safety nets in place. Then we'll look at the different possible journeys that you might find yourself having (or wanting) to make.

As long as you don't let yourself become a stranger to the outside world, and you put my advice into practise, after a while travelling will become much less of a big deal. You'll even learn to love it.

Practise journey

Practise journeys are good for training yourself for when you really need to go somewhere. I recommend that you do them often to make travelling familiar and second nature. Planning and carrying out a practise journey is easy. Let me show you how it's done.

Get the timetables for all bus and train routes that go through your area. Plan a short journey, short enough that you could walk back. Just one or two bus stops or train stations away. Make a note of the relevant times.

Now try it out. Remember, you've eliminated long, nervous waiting times because you know when the next bus or train is coming. You've also given yourself the option to walk back home. If you don't know your local streets well, take a map. You're in complete control. Don't forget to take some music to listen to. You'll find yourself very occupied, and nothing can slow you down, so you'll have very little time if any to get anxious.

An alternative is to do it in reverse. Walk to your destination, perhaps following a bus route, then get public transport back home. Whatever you're comfortable with.

Repeat that journey until it's no longer challenging. Then try another. When you're ready, make your trips a bit longer to extend your Safe Zone.

Here's another idea: Get a street map, and the addresses and phone numbers of lots of cab places. Then mark them on the map. Now walk as far as you can manage. If you get that feeling of needing to be home asap, just call the nearest cab and tell them to put their foot down.

Public transport

Keeping calm on public transport might be tricky with all those other people around. But it really doesn't have to be a problem.

First off, usual drill, take your bumbag and water bottle.

Make sure you've got enough cash with you to be able to travel to where you need to get to, and of course, to get back home. Keep your money in a super safe place, where you can feel it, so you don't have to constantly keep checking that it's still there.

Sit as close to a window and the exit as possible. Open a window. Try to sit next to or close to someone who looks friendly. If things get tricky, and if you can do it, strike up a conversation with them. In fact, when you sit down next to them, think of something brief to say (i.e. “Is this bus going to…?”). Anything. Just break the ice and establish lines of communication that you can use later if necessary.

Keep your mind mildly and pleasantly occupied. Pay attention to the sensation and texture of your seat. Observe people, listen to conversations, watch people get on and off, look out the window and watch the world go by.

Listen to music or a talk radio show and get into it. Take something to read, or a word game or something that requires thinking. Why not take a bag and put a few things in it, to give you something to fidget with.

Try to find out or estimate the length of the journey. Then set a timer and remind yourself that with every second you're getting closer to the end. Split the journey into phases, and count down as they progress. Don't think in terms of distance, but more in terms of the phases that you create. For example, certain landmarks (shops, streets, crossing a river). This will make you feel in control because you're segmenting the journey on your terms. If you start to get a bit anxious, check how long is left and reassure yourself that time is ticking and you will get there.

Same applies on your way back, but of course you'll be feeling better by then anyway, so it will be considerably easier. That's always the way. Your main challenge is the outbound journey, and as we've just seen, it's not so bad.

Driving

The good thing about driving is that you're in control of many things. So make the most of it.

Always have a snack and a water bottle in the car. Take your bumbag and keep it next to you and open it. To stay fresh and alert, get an air freshener, open your windows and turn on the air con. Keep a spray water bottle so you can spray yourself to stay extra cool if necessary.

Listen to inspiring music or an audio book as you drive, to keep your mind positive and occupied. Count things, such as how many cars of a certain colour you see. Read number plates and make words from the letters. Watch other drivers and passengers. The road is full of stuff to keep you engaged.

Have the phone number of a rescue service handy, and make sure your phone is fully charged. Use a map or navigation system, plot all your regular routes, and you won't have to think too much. Make a mental note of places where you can park, in case you need to step out.

Try to avoid areas where there's heavy traffic. Make it easy on yourself.

Split your journey into short, manageable phases. Drive for 5 minutes, then park somewhere and relax. Or drive as far out as possible until you start feeling uncomfortable. Then turn back until you feel fine. Park and relax.

Train yourself to believe that while you're in your car, next to it, or you can see it, it's just like being at home. See your car and the area surrounding it as an extension of your home. Part of your Safe Zone. Go somewhere, park, and walk away. As long as you can see your car, you're OK.

Remember, you're always in control, and you can go home any time you like. As your confidence increases, try gradually letting go of these safeguards.

Being a passenger while someone else is driving

If someone is driving you, and you trust them, you can have almost as much control as you would if you were driving yourself. Just be sure to let them know about your anxiety so that they can accommodate and help you.

First of all, have your bumbag and water bottle as usual. Maybe a snack too if it's a long journey. Let them know that you need the air con on, and the window open, at least partially.

Tell them in advance that you might need them to stop occasionally to let you step out, compose yourself if necessary, and have a good stretch. If this happens, be calm about it, do your thing, and notice how it changes your frame of mind very quickly.

If you have your own music listen to that, but if you don't, ask them to let you have control over the radio. Be sure that they have no problem with this. Put on some classical or jazz and let yourself get into it. Let it fill the silences and keep you pleasantly distracted. Watch the world go by out of your window and keep your thoughts on pleasant, neutral things.

Keep a couple of interesting or funny conversation topics in mind, and use them to keep your driver talking. You'll have something to focus on, they'll be distracted, and you won't feel self conscious.

Being driven by a friend should be easy to deal with. However, if your journey is in a cab, the downside is that there won't be much of a personal vibe. On the other hand, you will most certainly have every right to ask to be accommodated, since you're paying.

I started this chapter by talking about practise journeys because no matter what else you do, it's so important to keep gently challenging yourself. When it comes to making necessary journeys, you really don't want to be unprepared and out of touch.

Now, what's the furthest that you've recently travelled away from your front door before you started to feel uncomfortable? It's totally understandable that the further away you are from home, the more likely you are to become susceptible to anxiety and panic. Or is it? The truth is that there comes a point where you know you're so far away that the distance no longer makes any difference.

When you feel ready, I'd like you to walk or drive as far as you can. When you start feeling weird, just stop exactly where you are. Stay there until you either feel perfectly fine, or you feel like heading back. If you feel fine, keep going and do the same again. Otherwise, calmly turn back, but stop along the way and see how you feel. If you feel fine, head back out, if not, go home. Just give yourself every chance to stretch yourself. Then try it with public transport. If you can reach that point where you're too far away to care about the distance, that's a big achievement.

Summary

* Keep challenging yourself by doing practise journeys.

* Make sure you always have enough cash to get you to and from your destination.

* When using public transport, sit close to a window and the exit, and open a window.

* Try to sit next to or close to someone who looks friendly.

* Keep your mind mildly and pleasantly occupied with music and / or a book, and your surroundings.

* Set a timer and split the journey into phases, and use landmarks to measure your progress.

* When driving, get an air freshener, turn on the air con, and keep a snack, water bottle, spray bottle and bumbag next to you.

* Keep your mind occupied by observing your surroundings and listening to inspiring music or an audio book.

* Use a map or navigation system, plot all your regular routes, and make a note of places where you can park.

* Try to avoid areas where there's heavy traffic. Make it easy on yourself.

* Split your journey into short, manageable phases.

* Train yourself to believe that while you're in your car, next to it, or you can see it, it's just like being at home.

* If someone is driving you, tell them about your anxiety.

* Let them know that you might need them to stop from time to time.

* Ask them to give you control of the radio, or bring your own music. Choose classical or jazz to relax you.

* Watch the world go by out of your window and keep your thoughts on pleasant, neutral things.

* Keep a couple of interesting or funny conversation topics in mind in case you feel the need to avoid silences.

* As your confidence increases, try gradually letting go of these safeguards.

Chapter 8: Meeting People

If you're invited to a restaurant, bar, event, party, or any other kind of social gathering, understandably it can be a bit scary. You're far from home, possibly somewhere completely new. A bunch of people (some you know, others you don't) expect you to be confident and chatty. If you end up having to scurry away you'll let everyone down, you'll feel stupid, and you'll be talked about all night and next time it will be even more awkward. Seems like a lot of pressure.

Let me reassure you that it needn't be like that. If you keep your eyes open, you'll spot many ways to get through it and enjoy yourself. The key is, as usual, to make everything work in your favour. You'll have a good time, you'll create positive memories and associations, and you feel proud at the end of the night.

Let's look closely at how to prepare yourself before going to your destination, how to formulate an escape plan if you really need it, and how to handle yourself when you arrive. I'm going to guide you through the whole process.

Escape / Plan B

Knowing that you have the means to make a quick exit will give you reassurance, allowing you to let go and enjoy yourself. Try to do the following things in advance.

Tell your friends that you might not be able to stay for long. Make up an airtight reason that can't be argued with, and they can't talk you out of. You'll then be able to relax, knowing that it won't be long before you have the option to leave or stay. Every minute that you manage to stay on will be a bonus, giving you the satisfaction and confidence of having exceeded your goal. If someone asks why you haven't left, that's a good chance to be the good guy who didn't want to let anyone down.

Indeed, try to have an alternative place to go, or something to do at home, in case you do need to escape. Maybe you could stop by at the supermarket on your way home, or plan a pleasant activity to get on with when you arrive. A backup plan will give you a sense of achievement and prevent you from beating yourself up over a “failed” evening. As long as you did your best, you didn't fail.

Find out if any of the people in your group will be driving there. Tell them about your anxiety and ask them if they'll be willing to drive you home at a moment's notice. If they say OK, hold them to that and let them know that you're serious. Make them promise you that they'll take you home without hesitation or arguing. Also, ask if they'll let you use their car as a refuge so you can compose yourself if you need to. If you do end up having to ask them to take you home and they try to talk you into staying, let them. You never know, they might convince you so give it a chance.

Get all the public transport information necessary to get you home, and keep a timetable with you. Find out where the nearest bus stops and train stations are to the venue, house or whatever.

Estimate when you'll arrive, and how long you'd be there if you were to stay for the whole duration. Then split that time into periods of about 20 to 30 minutes. Now order a cab in advance for each of those times, from different companies. Tell them that it's crucial that they arrive on time, and give them an exact place to park and wait for you. Give them your address and tell them that you need them to get you home as fast as possible. Get all that out of the way to save you from having to explain anything if you need to go through with it.

Think of each time period as a little challenge, and for each cab that you feel you can miss, be courteous and call to cancel because you never know if you'll need them again. When you make the call, enjoy the moment because it represents a milestone. Don't forget to bring more than enough cash for the journey, should you need it. Now you've got a series of cabs arriving for you throughout the evening, ready to whisk you away!

See how easy it is to turn something around to your advantage?

Preparing yourself to go there

On the day before the event, listen to some soothing music or hypnosis and get a good night's sleep.

When you get up, cook something nice and see what's on TV that evening. If you become anxious and end up coming back home, you'll at least have something to look forward to.

Designate someone you trust out of your group as your spokesperson. If you have a problem and you really don't feel able to go, tell them only, and leave them to tell everyone else so you don't have to justify yourself to everybody. You can also use that person when you need to bend someone's ear and ask for encouragement to stick it out.

If they serve drinks at the place where you're going, why not call one of your friends and ask them to have a drink ready for you when you arrive. Or just a glass of water. This will save you queuing time, and make you feel taken care of.

To keep yourself mentally alert, eat well and drink plenty of water all day. And make a tasty snack that you can discreetly take with you.

Look your best. It will help you feel confident and prepared, not to mention the compliments that you may get. You should use every little psychological trick in the book. Play some uplifting music as you get ready.

Do a bit of light exercise for 5 minutes, then have a stretch and a shake, then relax. This will put you in a good frame of mind. If it helps, have a drink before heading out, but just enough to relax and get in the mood.

Take a nap and listen to relaxing music for about an hour before leaving. Take sips of water and keep a window open or fan on. When you're ready to head off, go to the toilet and get that out of the way so you'll stay relaxed.

When it's 10 minutes before leaving time, pop outside and get some fresh air. Don't forget your bumbag and water bottle, and device for playing music on the way. And more than enough cash. When you're ready, just close your front door and calmly go on your way.

When you arrive

You've got two options. You can arrive early, walk around, get familiar with the surrounding area, take a peek inside, then go in when you're ready and wait for your friends. Or you can arrive a bit late. The advantage is that you'll have a welcoming party, which will be great for morale. Take your pick.

Before going in, stand outside for a couple of minutes, take some nice calm breaths, and when the moment feels right, just walk right in. If you want to walk in and out a few times, go ahead.

As soon as you can, find out where the toilets are. Apart from the obvious, it's good to know where you can go to splash water on your face or spend a few moments alone to compose yourself. Don't forget that you can make the toilets part of your Safe Zone.

You'll be better off sitting near a window and the exit, or at least facing it. If that's not possible, at least try to position yourself where there aren't too many people blocking your way. And anyway, people tend to shift around a lot, so you'll have plenty of chances to grab a comfortable spot.

Once you're settled, feel free to walk around a bit and venture outside of your area. Don't get self conscious about needing to disappear from time to time throughout the evening. Do it as often as you need to. Also, feel free to get up and leave as if you're going home, and just walk down the street for a bit, get some fresh air, then come back. Give yourself the flexibility to do that.

Make sure you spend most of your time hanging out with and talking to positive people that make you feel comfortable. Even 1 person can be enough. Soak in their vibe and let it rub off on you. Scan around for happy, positive interactions between people, and watch them. Phase out negative people and situations. If you think a bit of alcohol will help relax you, go for it, but take it nice and slow. Don't overdo it. And smile!

If it's a restaurant, and you're one of those people that finds it hard to eat in front of others, especially in a public place, then just order a drink and a starter. Pay upfront (including tip) so you won't have to worry about it later, especially if you find yourself needing to leave. Pick at your food and focus more on conversation.

During conversations, there are a few ways to make it work for you. The first is focusing on the other person. Asking them questions about themselves, showing an interest, complimenting them and making them the centre of attention will make them warm to you. People love talking about themselves. It will keep you nicely distracted without having to do much except bounce off what they say.

The other is to talk about yourself in a way that's positive or impressive. Anything that gets you a good response will make you feel good. One other way is to talk about pleasant, positive topics to create a good atmosphere. Try to think of some in advance.

If you want, mention your anxiety. But do it in a way that conveys courage and humour. Your goal is to be admired and respected. Keep it lighthearted and brief, then move on to other topics. If anyone makes fun of you, join them. If any of your friends comforts you or gives you a pep talk, milk it for all it's worth. Take away as much positivity from it as possible. Remember, you want to create positive memories of this.

Finally, when the evening is over and you're on your way out, confirm to yourself that you've had a good time. Do it all the way home. It can't be overdone.

I realise that meeting people in a place far from home is one of the most challenging situations for someone with anxiety. It has everything. Distance from home, friends and strangers, possibly a new environment, and expectations.

But I hope you can see now that if you put your mind to it, you can find lots of ways to be OK with all of that. Yes it will still be a challenge, but there is a way through the maze and as long as you keep focused and relaxed, you'll be fine.

If you can crack this challenge it's going to make everything else a lot easier by comparison. So don't be too quick to turn down an invitation because if you get through it, you'll feel great!

If you're particularly anxious about meeting people somewhere, who's to stop you from going there on your own a few hours or even the day before, and just take a look around? You should consider that.

Now that we've spent all this time talking about the various situations that you're likely to find yourself in most often, there's just one little issue that we haven't thought about: What if, after everything, you still feel anxious, or worse still, have a panic attack? What do you do then?

I'm glad you asked...

Summary

* Formulate an escape option by telling your friends that you may not be able to stay long.

* Give yourself something to do back home or on your way home in case you do feel unable to stay.

* Ask someone with a car to drive you home and to let you take refuge in their car if necessary.

* Designate a spokesperson to tell the others if you can't make it.

* Make sure you know how to get home by public transport, and order cabs throughout the night.

* If they serve drinks, call a friend and ask them to have one ready for you.

* To get into a confident, positive state of mind, eat well, drink water all day, do some light exercise, and be sure to look your best.

* Have a nice long nap before leaving, listen to relaxing music, and turn on a fan or open a window.

* Pop out for fresh air for 10 minutes, then go.

* Get there early and get comfortable, or arrive late to be greeted by everybody. Whatever makes you feel good. If you can, explore the place the day before.

* Find the toilets, splash water on your face, then sit near a window and the exit, or at least where you have some space around you.

* Feel free to walk around as often as you need to, including leaving as if you're going home, just to get some fresh air.

* Hang out with positive people that make you feel comfortable. Phase out negative people and situations.

* If it's a restaurant, order a starter and a drink, pay upfront, and pick at it slowly while focusing on conversation.

* During conversation, compliment and ingratiate yourself to others, talk about yourself in positive terms, and talk about positive things.

* If you want, talk about your anxiety lightheartedly. Allow others to poke fun at you, and take advantage of any encouragement.

* On your way home, create positive memories by focusing on everything that went well.

* Next time someone invites you somewhere, give yourself a chance and say yes!

But What If I Become Anxious Or Panic?

Well, there you have it. We've looked at the most common situations and how to deal with them. But from time to time, it could still happen. You might have a panic attack or feel anxious. But don't worry, I've got that covered too.

You see, even if it does happen, there's nothing to stop you from minimising it. In fact, you can turn the whole thing around and feel great. Reducing anxiety feels good, but it's even better to know that you can handle it. And that's something to value and remember.

Have a look at all these methods and try them out. Use whichever ones you like, depending on how you feel at the time.

Calm down!

Breathe. Breathe in through your nose...gathering up all negativity inside you...then blow it all out. Get rid of it like you're taking out the trash. Disperse it, and watch it disappear.

Focus on the present moment. Slow down your movements, and be aware of everything that you're doing, and what's going on around you. Think of absolutely nothing but the exact moment you're in.

Robot mode. If you have things to do, do them systematically, calmly, and without pausing. Do one thing at a time. Don't get too precious about the order, just finish your tasks.

Watch

Stop, observe, and narrate. Stop thinking, observe yourself, and narrate what's going on inside you and around you. Talk yourself through whatever is happening. Just narrate, let that moment go, then move on to the next.

Split yourself in two.Stop being the experiencer for a while, and assume the role of observer. The observer is calm, uninvolved, and unaffected. Let the experiencer do whatever it will, and just pay attention. If you find yourself identifying with the experiencer, switch back to neutral observer. Don't make judgments, don't react emotionally, just watch.

Record yourself

Talk yourself through it. Describe what's going on, and how you feel. Keep it optimistic. Then listen back and give yourself a pat on the back. From time to time, especially when you're doubting yourself, listen back and see how well you did.

Pep talk preacher. Make a recording of you giving yourself a pep talk. Listen to it, and imagine that it's a preacher. Nod along, and in your mind say “oh yeah!”, “you know it!”, etc.

Keep yourself distracted

Read this book. Have this book on standby so that I can talk you through your situation. Just reading my words will help you. I'm not going anywhere!

Observe your surroundings. Watch people going about their business, and think about what they're doing and why. Make up stories about them. Eavesdrop on conversations. Pay attention to sights and sounds. Get totally absorbed in it all.

Mild fidgeting. Pretend that you had a thought and you're trying to remember what it was. Or you're undecided about something. Or you're looking for something and you have no idea where you put it. This is an excellent way to shift your focus. It's really hard to feel anything while you're doing it. It's quite funny too.

Get up, and move around a bit. Walk around. Go to another part of the room. Walk to another room. Pick up objects, move stuff around, look out the window. It's amazing how fast your mood can change just by shifting yourself physically.

Get rational

Talk to your amygdala. Tell it that it's reacting to nothing. Treat it like a friend who's on your side and is trying to help you, but they're a bit confused. Say “Thanks pal, but there's nothing going on, there's no threat, save your energy and take a break”.

Bombard yourself with logic. Respond to every thought, feeling and sensation with logical arguments as to why everything is OK. This will keep your mind busy, reassured, and you'll feel stronger. Treat it like a game of tennis. A feeling comes along, and you just knock it back with logic.

Come out, come out, wherever you are! Stop what you're doing, and demand that your amygdala tells you exactly what the threat is and where it is. Refuse to be anxious until you get your answer.

Oh my god it's real!

Happy now? For this one you need to be alone. Pick something stupid and pretend that it's a threat. For example a fan, the sound of traffic, or a piece of paper. Now play along and act anxious. Be a total clown about it. “Oh my god! That's the threat right there!!!” Project all of your anxiety onto it, as if it's really bothering you. Then bravely disarm the “threat” (i.e. turn the fan off, close the window, scrunch up the paper and throw it away). Act relieved and say to your amygdala, “happy now?” If you still feel anxious, do it again with something else. See how long you can keep a straight face. Just before typing this sentence I tried it and I was laughing within seconds. I love this one.

Attack something! This one is also for when you're alone. Give your amygdala the satisfaction that it wants. I mean, you know there's no threat, but what if you attack something? Your amygdala doesn't have a clue anyway, so what difference does it make? Grab a pillow or something and attack it. Or run, literally run away! Play it out, put on a show, and bring it to closure.

I've heard of anxiety but this is ridiculous! Think of something that doesn't bother you at all. For example, what your cat thinks of your new job. Now switch over and start worrying about that. Force yourself to stress about it. Then, just when the nonsense of it all is at its height, switch back to your original anxiety, and take that sense of ridiculousness with you.

Monitor yourself

Meter reading. Visualise a meter reading of your anxiety level. The needle is wobbling around nervously, responding to next to nothing. Now, watch as it becomes steady, less sensitive, then watch it drop. Aaaaah, nice.

Give yourself a score. Monitor your feeling by giving it a score. 0 is complete calm, 10 is a panic attack. Don't exaggerate it. In fact, play it down a bit. If it's high, tell yourself that it's on its way down, and watch as it slowly descends, like a thermometer. If it's low, recognize that and give yourself credit. The point is to not make it out to be worse than it is. If you can handle a certain level, you know you can do it again. And bear in mind that the way you feel is influenced by how you perceive and react. You may not be as anxious as you believe yourself to be.

When you're in limbo

No-show. You know when you've been feeling anxious for some time, but a panic attack hasn't shown up yet? That's the time to remind yourself that if it hasn't happened yet, it most likely ain't happening at all.

Time out. Sometimes, even though it doesn't lead to panic, anxiety just lingers. It can be annoying. Believe it or not, you can take a break from anxiety. Just say to yourself "This is getting ridiculous, I'm taking a break” and just stop feeling anxious. Yes, just stop. If it persists, then say / think “STOP!” Tell yourself to snap out of it. If it continues, ignore it. This is the perfect time to realise just how much control you really have.

If it turns into panic

Complete denial. Tell yourself that you're feeling absolutely no anxiety. Everything is fine. Be as stubborn as you possibly can. Disassociate yourself completely from it. Wash your hands of the whole thing. Panic? What are you talking about?

Just a moment, please... I know it's hard to imagine, but even though you've got that feeling of dread, if you give yourself a chance you can actually tell your amygdala to hold on a moment, and not make you panic just yet. It may not make the feeling go away completely but it puts you in a frame of mind where it's less intense. See how long you can keep delaying it, by telling it “Wait! Hold on, I'm not ready yet!”

Make a spectacle of it. Turn it into a comedy. Go ahead and have your panic attack, but you better put on a good performance, and make it a real farce. Act like the most cowardly, pathetic, whimpering clown. See what your amygdala thinks about that. And if there are people around, then do it all in your head. Have fun with it.

If you feel sick, calmly find a discreet place and do your thing. Do it with your eyes closed. Be quick, quiet and efficient, then take some nice deep breaths, and have a few sips of water and a mint. Don't make a big deal out of it. Then get on with your day.

As soon as you feel better

Smile. You did it! You got through it, and now you're a little bit tougher. It was only anxiety and now it's over. Keep any desire to be on your guard to a minimum. There's really no need to worry. But hey, if it wants to come back for round two, you know you're ready.

Rewrite history. No matter what happened, tell it like everything was fine. Give it a positive spin and a happy ending. If anything good happened, even the slightest positive feeling, overemphasise it. The trick is to create a positive memory of the experience, and an image of yourself as someone who can easily deal with anxiety. Make any panicky moments an unimportant afterthought. That way, next time you can respond from a position of confidence. It makes all the difference. It's also important to be philosophical about it. Maybe there's something to take away from the experience. Find out what that is.

Resist the temptation to get hyper. You'll probably have a spring in your step now, and by all means go ahead and enjoy it. But don't squander the confidence that you're feeling on “celebrating” by getting hyper, like I've done at times. Keep it. Let it work for you. Just keep calm and smile inside, and let it act as a barrier to any potential future anxiety. If you feel hyper, stop.

In Chapter 2 I described why and how anxiety happens. Well, what we've just done is look at a bunch of ways that you can mess with it. Maybe even have a bit of fun with it.

I want you to imagine being anxious. Now go through each of those techniques, one by one, and try them out. Either imagine doing them, or act them out. It's up to you, as long as it feels real enough. Which ones could you imagine helping you the most? Which ones are the easiest for you? It's a good idea to know this so that when you're in the situation for real, you'll know what to do, and you won't get too flustered. Practise them often. Think of it like army training that kicks in automatically during combat. You'll feel much better knowing you're prepared.

Anxiety is different to a panic attack. Anxiety is like "Oh shit, I feel nervous", and panic is like "OH FUCK! I'M GOING TO PUKE, FAINT AND DIE ALL AT THE SAME TIME! THIS IS HORRIBLE!!!" When you're just feeling nervous and anxious, try not to make a drama out of it. Learn to calmly contain it. Do what you need to do to tone it down, and just get on with your day. If you have a panic attack, don't start jumping around like a crazy person (unless you're doing it deliberately to mess with it). Just relax and keep your cool. It will increase how good you'll feel about yourself when it's over. And don't forget, you've always got your bumbag and water bottle to make life easier.

Remember that anxiety and panic don't last forever. It always comes to an end. You're not going to live the rest of your life in a state of anxiety. It's not going to happen. It will pass. Think of it like a wave. It comes, and then it goes. Then maybe it comes round again, but soon it's gone. Just ride the wave and take it in your stride.

Moments come and go. One minute you can be feeling shaky, then ten seconds later you could just as easily feel OK. Don't get too absorbed in what's going on in any particular moment. Just make sure your average across all moments is as good as you can make it.

Besides, each day is a fresh new day and a chance to wipe the slate clean, and reset your frame of mind.

Summary

* Use steady breathing, mental focus, and smooth, mindful, systematic movements to keep yourself calm.

* Observe yourself objectively and talk yourself through it.

* Record yourself narrating the experience, or record a pep talk to help you through it.

* Keep yourself distracted with a small book, by observing your surroundings, with mild fidgeting or walking around.

* Use logic to reassure your amygdala that everything's OK, and thank it for trying to help.

* Go on strike from worrying and demand that your amygdala tells you what the threat is.

* Pick something innocuous and treat it like a threat, as if you're really scared of it. Then act out a ritual to stop the threat. It's best not to do this in front of others, unless you don't mind looking silly.

* Respond to your amygdala by either attacking something or running as if from danger. Again, keep this one to yourself.

* Force yourself to worry about something ludicrous, and when you feel really stupid, carry that feeling back to your original anxiety.

* Measure how anxious you are with a score of 0 to 10, and visualise the anxiety level descending.

* If anxiety comes but no panic attack happens after a while, give yourself permission to relax, because it's probably not going to happen. If you keep worrying, say/ think “STOP!”

* If you panic, try ignoring it as much as possible. If you can't, then go the other way and make a spectacle out of it (at least in your mind).

* If you feel sick, do it quickly, quietly and with your eyes closed. Then have some water and a mint.

* When it's over, smile, relax, and create a positive memory of the situation, and of yourself.

* Visualise and practise each of these techniques often. You'll know which ones work for you, and you'll know what to do if you're anxious, instead of fumbling around.

* When you're anxious, try not to make a drama out of it. Learn to calmly contain it and do what you need to do.

* Anxiety and panic don't last forever. It's like a wave that comes and goes. Ride it and take it in your stride.

Final Thoughts

So, did all of that make sense? I really hope so.

When deciding what to talk about in this book, my main objective was to make it the kind of book that I myself would appreciate. That's why I've talked about all the things that have helped me over the years. I hope I've managed to effectively pass that on to you.

I like to think of this as a 3 part book, each part addressing distinct issues. The first one is understanding exactly why you and I have developed this anxiety thing that causes so much bother, and how our beliefs about it can either make things worse or better.

The second part is about how to deal with situations and environments that once upon a time were no problem, but which are now tricky. And the third part is what to do to calm things down if we get anxious or panicky.

In case you're wondering, yes I will be referring to this book myself if I need to. I wrote this for both of us.

Although I think it's a good idea to keep this book with you, I also think it will help you to make checklists based on what I've said in each chapter, so you'll have a quick guide to handling any situation.

I've kept the focus of this book on easy, instant, practical solutions and safeguards, but of course there are many long term things you can do to help. For example, meditation. You don't even have to read about it because there's not much to know. Just sit or lie down for 20 minutes every day, choose something to focus on (an object, an image in your mind, your breath), and if your attention wanders, gently bring it back. Mild exercise is good for you too. It puts you in an alert but relaxed state of mind.

Another one that I find really helpful is walking with confidence. Every day for 5 minutes I used to pace up and down with a very confident posture. I did that for 5 minutes each day, then 10, then 15, and so on until every day I was doing it for half an hour. It's quite funny, try it. And now, that's my default walk. Or should I say a toned down version of it. It's a nice feeling to know that even if you're feeling anxious inside, you can still walk like everything's fine. It helps a lot because it reminds you that you're in control and you can contain whatever is going on inside you. It also sends a message to your amygdala that there's no threat.

At first, it might feel strange to have so many measures in place. You might feel like you're really limiting yourself. But remember, that's not the idea. The idea is to initially make lots of little changes to your lifestyle that will reduce the chances of you becoming anxious.

Then after a while you'll begin to appreciate the difference, and it won't feel so weird. You'll establish a calmer default state of mind. That's when you can start challenging yourself by slowly letting go of your crutches. Here are some ways to gradually become less dependent on your safety nets:

* If you find yourself needing something from your box of fresh items or your bumbag, try just looking inside without taking anything. See how long you can go without. When popping out, leave your water bottle at home.

* When you go on your walks, pick a time when it's really busy and there's loads of traffic, and see if you can handle it. Set a timer for a long time, maybe 2 or 3 hours, and stay out for the whole duration. To prolong your time spend out, go to the park with a book, some music and some snacks, and just hang out for a couple of hours. Or hang out at a bus stop or a train station. Get used to seeing people coming and going, living their lives.

* Instead of telling a trusted friend to come over for a visit at a specific time, tell them to come over any time on a particular day, so you won't know exactly when to expect them. Instead of lying down and listening to music while waiting for them, do something else. Don't come up with any excuses to cut the visit short. If you feel like ending it, make it so that you'll have to think up a reason there and then. Put a bit of pressure on yourself. Or just tell them the truth. See what they say. If you feel anxious, stay in the room rather than leaving. See how long you can stick it out.

* When using public transport, try sitting away from a window and the exit. When driving, deliberately drive somewhere where there's bound to be heavy traffic. If you're invited to a bar, restaurant, party or whatever, don't give yourself an escape option.

The habits that you develop from this book will, if you let them, become automatic. But as you become more comfortable, you'll probably start to phase them out naturally without really thinking about it. You might forget to do certain things, or you'll remember but you won't care so much!

If you're the type to keep a diary, keep one and note down your progress, your thoughts, and how you deal with different situations. If you're not a diary person, at least make mental notes of your progress. Remember the good, play down the not so good. Only measure success and progress. Anything else is meaningless.

There will come a point when you'll realise that you haven't felt anxious in a while. Obviously I can't tell you exactly when it will happen, but it will become increasingly harder to even remember what it feels like to be anxious. And when you try to imagine the feeling or think back to times when you had it, it will feel strange and out of character. That's a really good sign!

Anxiety will start to become a bit of an alien, outdated concept to you. Every time you realise that you haven't panicked in a while, you'll feel stronger. The idea of being scared when doing this or that, or being in such and such place, will seem laughable to you. These epiphanies will give you a nice boost in your confidence.

Starting off with all these safety measures in place will get you so used to feeling comfortable, that you won't accept any other way of feeling. And guess what, you'll seek that feeling in everything. Somehow, some way, you will do all the mental acrobatics necessary to convince yourself that whatever you're doing, wherever you are, and whatever situation you're in, that you actually feel OK. Even without your safety measures you'll find a way. Comfort will be the new normal. That's how the mind works. Once it gets used to something, it seeks it again and again.

But there will of course be times when you slip back and become anxious out of the blue. Don't worry about that and don't give yourself a hard time. It happens. It's just your amygdala making a few last efforts at holding on to your old ways. Be prepared to quash little rebellions here and there.

Don't expect a single moment when you're no longer anxious. Don't expect an announcement. It will be a process and it will take some time. But it will always get better.

Eventually the day will come when you can't even be bothered to think about any of this stuff any more. You'll look at this book and think, “I can't believe I ever needed this”. Remind yourself now that when that happens, you'll stop and think for a moment, realise how far you've come, and give yourself a pat on the back.

What I really hope is that one day you'll find yourself comforting someone else, or knowing that you could. That's when you know that you've finally managed to handle this.

OK let's leave it there. It's taken me so much longer to write this than I intended, that's because I've tried to pack in as much stuff as possible, and I hope I've done a good job.

All of my suggestions can be put in place very quickly, and you can start whenever you're ready. You can do as much or as little of it as you want, whenever you want. But try them all and see how it goes. Read this book again and start taking notes.

I look forward to the day when you look back at all this and kick yourself at how silly it all was. What a great day that will be.

All the best,

Johnny Montoya

From now on remember...

There's always a way for you to deal with anxiety

You have the ability to create a Safe Zone

You are free to focus on the positive

You have the power to weaken anxiety with humour

You're lucky to have anxiety!

If you enjoyed this book...

Here's my author page on Amazon:

http://www.amazon.com/author/johnnymontoya

I hope this book will help you to get your anxiety handled so that you can get on with your life. But before you go, it would be a big deal for me if you could leave an honest review. I’d be really grateful as it will let me know if I’ve done a good job.

Thanks!

Impressum

Texte: Johnny Montoya
Tag der Veröffentlichung: 25.09.2014

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