Prologue
I talked to him at lunch today. He asked me to tell him what happened to me, that made me wary of relationships. I couldn't answer him. My throat closed up, and my breathing became shallower. "Are you ok?" he asked. "No, i'm not" I whisper softly. "Then tell me. Tell me what happened. You can talk to me about anything. You know that." he said. "I know. The question is whether or not I would let myself tell you anything." I said sofly. I could see that he was growing frustrated. He wouldn't snap at me, I knew that much, but he sulk for the rest of the day. I sigh. I don't want to see him unhappy, but in this case it can't be helped. My class was called, and I got up with everyone else, leaving one of my best friends behind.
Friend request
I know I need to talk to him. I just don't want to. I'm scared I will start crying and look like a total fool. He wants to know about me. But like my friend Ron pointed out once before, i'm a secretive girl. I know I can trust him. But when you spend so much time bottling up emotions and keeping secrets, it's hard to let it out. I'm not in control of my feelings either. I don't know what the heck im feeling. Besides guilt. He does so much for me, but what do I do for him? He says i'm "a really good friend" and i'm "like a sister to him" and "I don't care about material things." But I was cruel. Before we fell into our brother/sister relationship, he asked me out 4 or more times. What did I say? I usually did 1 of the following:
1. changed the subject
2. walked away
3.laugh
4.say no and give no reason why when he asked.
Yet he still stayed around, making me laugh, cheering me up, urging me on. Sure I was mad at him for the whole Ray-ray thing (his now ex-gf). But I realized that the anger was stupid and misplaced. It was his (ex-)gf I couldn't stand and I was taking it out on him. At least he talked it out. Tag and I were there to listen and give him advice. It was his choice what he did with what we told him. Keeping everything inside, it's not healthy. I know that, but I do it anyway. He talks about it, lays out all the cards. You know where you stand with him, but at the same time, he's one of the nicest people ever. And I admire him for that. Me? I'm just a shell. No longer carefree. No longer oblivious to what happens in life. And i'm fake. Confidence, style, and um....certain
other things are not mine. My friends are the ones that keep me going.
Whoever said fake it til you make it is stupid. It should be fake it til your tired. Because i'm tired.When i'm with my friends, I usually leave my drama at home. I laugh, talk, have fun. It makes me feel better, yeah. But it doesn't help anything. When I get home, I still have to deal with the problem. I just have to deal with it ALONE.
* * *
He sent me a message from facebook yesterday. He told me to meet him after school today since i'm staying after for dance practice. Great. So now he's asking, scratch that, telling
me to blow off dance so I can have a conversation I don't want to have. I didn't have the heart to say no though so I said i'll try. It's only 2nd mod now, and i'm regreting it. What he said before walking away was running through my head on replay. "Don't come to me. I'll find you."
In the end I missed practice and my meeting; my dad couldn't pick me up. So I rushed to the bus, looking over my shoulder. Once I was on I sent him a text saying sorry for not meeting him and telling him why.
I slumped on the bus feeling guilty about 3 things:
1. I was hoping the I wouldn't have to meet him
2. I missed dance
3. I missed dance without telling the instructor I wouldn't be there
Man, me and guilt might as well be shopping buddies. It's around enough.
Thank God for understanding people. He wasn't mad at me for blowing him off. When he finally texted me back, all he said was "ok. it's fine."
Me: I promise i'll tell u......sooner or later
Him:U could tell me now
Me: In a txt message? i dnt think so
Him: come on.....
Me: Look, dnt rush me. I'll tell u when im gud and ready 2 tell u. :-(
Him: Ok. fine
Me:Im srry. Didnt mean 2 snap at u. Got upset 4 a min
Him: Its fine. *Change of subject* What do u want 4 Valentines day?
Me:Why does it matter?
Him: ???
Me: I mean, I dnt have a valentine anyway so wats da point?
Him: Wats dat posed 2 mean? U think im nt gonna get u anything even tho i told u i will?
Me: Dats nt wat i meant
Him: ok then. Now wat do u want?
Me: idk. Candy
Him: wat kind?
Me: Lollipops or chocolate
Him: Imma get u a whole bag of lollipops
Me: Yum! Thx
Him: no prob
Me: ok. Im broke rite nw but I get my allowance soon. Wat do u want?
Him: I dnt want nttn
Me: ???
Him: Dnt worry bout me. ok?
Me: ............fine. If dats wat u want
I didn't tell him but I felt guilty. Again. Spending money on me that he could have easily used himself. I was upset. Even though he couldn't see me he just knew.
Him: Wats wrong?
Me: Y do u think somethin is wrong?
Him: Come on. I no u
Me: Fine. I jus feel guilty
Him: Guilty? Y?
Me: Ur always doin stuff 4 me
Him: So?
Me: Wen was the last time i did sometin 4 u?
Him: Yesterday. & da day b4, and da day b4.....
Me: ???
Him: Ur doing something 4 me jus by being there. Im tryna do as much 4 u as u do 4 me
Me: .....................
Him: ???
Me: ..................
Him: U ok?
Me: Um...........yea. Jus surprised.
Him: Y surprised?
Me: idk
Him: How u dnt no?
Me: idk
We chatted 4 another hour, then he had to go. This guy is like a brother to me. We're closer than me and my blood sisters. And i'm afraid 2 lose him because of my stupidity.
Idiots and rumors
I hate rumors don't you? And i'm not a fan of the people who start rumors either.
This summer I was put on the spot by my mom. Way more than once. Why? Because some idiot kept calling her phone saying that he was my boyfriend. My mom questioned me about it endlessly, but I had no idea. This ongoing interrigation ruined my summer vacation. After my mom asked who it was, the guy said "Your daughter's boyfriend. Can I talk to her?" When my mom asked for a name, he hung up.
When I got back to school (in 7th grade), I was approached by people asking if I was dating Cole or Lee (guy friends). I said neither. I was friends with Cole's sister and she told me that it was Cole who was calling my mom's phone. I was mad. Yes, rumors are just that. Rumors. But this rumor had not only been going on all summer, but it shattered my peace.
* * *
Today, Epic, Taco, and I were given a scare. While we were in line at lunch, a boy we didn't know grabbed our butts. I turned around. I wouldn't have known it was him, if not for the smirk on his face. I frowned and gave him the finger. He lost his smirk, you can bet on that. I smiled sweetly and turned back around, making sure that my butt was out of his reach. I looked at the other two. Taco looked troubled, and Epic looked scared.
Later that day, Taco left 3rd mod to go to the bathroom. When she came back she told me that the same boy from earlier was in the hallway. Not only did he grab her butt again, but he kissed her....of course, against her will.
I was fuming. I wanted to go out there and tell that low down, dirty um....
son of a goat where to put his face. He's lucky. I was mad enough that if I had gotten out of class, he would be kneeling in pain from a kick to the place the sun don't shine. Instead I settled for putting my head in my hands. "Coward" I muttered to myself.
Well, good luck must be on our side. We just found out that the boy who made us, shall we say, uncomfortable
was expelled for smoking weed in the bathroom. Yay!! Juvie, here he comes.
* * *
Another skanky peice of nothing was expelled today. Good. That two-timing jerk needed to leave. See he was dating my friend May. One day, my friend Shortstack called......
Ring ring riiing (I pick up the phone)
Her: "Girl, i'm dating Vaugn"
Me: "You know I can't stand that boy!!"
Her: "I know, but can you try to get along?"
Me: *whiny voice* "do I have too?"
Her: "Please"
Me: "Fine. But i'm only doing it for you."
Her: "Thank you. Now i gotta go."
Me: "kk. Bye"
The next day at school, I though about May. "Um......Shortstack?" I called. "Yea" she replied. "Did he ever break up with May?" I asked. "Oh....." she paused "I don't know." "Ok. I'll ask her when I get to class. I'll text you what she says." I said.
When I got to class, I sat down behind May. "Hey. Are you still going out with Vaugn?" I asked. She nodded. I got out of there. I ran to the bathroom and pulled out my phone.
Me: OMG!! Vaugn still dating May!!
Her: ............
Me: U ok?
Her: No. But i'll b fine. Imma break it off when I c him.
Me: kk. Srry
Her: 4 wat? U didn't do anything.
Me: Still. I hate being the bearer of bad news.
Her: But u do it so well : )
Me: Lol
I put my phone away, sighing. That arsehole!! I walked back to class with feet feeling like lead.
Later that week, May walked into class looking mad. She turned around in her seat to look at me. "Vaugn and I aren't together anymore. Tell Shortstack she can have him." she said. "She don't want him" I snapped back.
Relationships suck
My first boyfriend, Ed. Words I can use to describe him? Funny, flirty, and um.......wishy washy. Before school, 4th mod, and right after school he's hugging on me and wants me to sit on his lap. But in the hallway and at lunch, he doesn't smile, let alone give me a hug. Then, after school, he's blowing up my phone all afternoon and night. It leaves me wondering and weary.
One day, I just made it to 1st mod. A classmate named Steven ran in the room yelling. "Hey!! Ed just french kissed Ana!!" I was speechless. When I saw Ed later, he was mad and walked right past me. I saw him the next day. He apologized saying that he wasn't mad at me. I asked about Ana, and he changed the subject.He wants to kiss me, but he won't talk to me. Not about anything important anyway. Finally I couldn't do it anymore. I looked him in the face and said "This is not working for me." Then, believe it or not, he said ok and smiled!! I sat with my girls. I was happy to get it over with, but it did not help my self-esteem that he let me go so easily.
At lunch the next day, I got a text from Ed.
Him: I miss u
Me: Ok. So?
Him: I want u bac
Me: Didnt seem lik it when u was smilin
Him: I was being stupid
Me: Plez boy
Him: So u dnt want me bac
Me: Nope
Just a tiny white lie, but it's necessary.
Him: Then wat bout friends-wif-benefits?
I read that last part with wide eyes. Then I laughed so hard and long, that everyone around me was staring at me. Taco and Epic looked at me with a question in their eyes. I told them what Ed said. They started laughing and I busted into a whole new round of giggling.
Me: Ur funny. Lmfao. Shut da heck up. U sound so stupid rite now
Him: ..............
Me:Bye
Him: C u
* * *
2 months later....science class
So i'm doing my work, right? Next thing you know, I hear a buzz and it takes a minute to realize it was my phone.
Him: Hi
I sighed. I should have known. Ed. After the breakup I deleted his number and stopped talking to him. Wonder what he wants now.
Me: hey
Him: wyd? (what are you doing?)
Me: In science class. U?
Him: In reading
Me: Tru
Him: Yea
Me: Yep
Therre was a brief period of silence.
Him: Do u still lik me?
Me: ............
Him: Is dat a yes?
Me: My heart didnt turn 2 stone ed. Yes, I still lik u but now I lik u more lik a bro
Him: Yea. So I think about kissing my sister. Great. NOT
Me: Srry. its jus how I feel
Him: Fine. @ least im not outed
Me: Got dat rite. U came close
Him: I no
I put my phone away. I couldn't respond, because I didn't know what to say.
* * *
So Ed and I stayed friends. Or at least I thought so. He obviously had other ideas........
Ed got another girlfriend and I stayed gloriously single. There was a time when we would meet up in the morning by our 4th mod class. I always wanted to talk, but he was always trying to kiss me. I pushed him away over and over. Soon I gave up and walked away. Yet he wonders why his gf broke up with him. He came to me, crying about how no one wants him. He told me that she thought he was cheating on her. I patted him on the back, but I couldn't say anything. Why? Because he was trying to cheat. The only reason he didn't is because I wouldn't let him.
* * *
Do you have anybody that you can't ever stay mad at? I have 6. And Ed is one of them. I can avoid him right now, but I know that once he catches up with me, I can't push him away.
At least, not if he wants to talk.
If he tries anything else, I certainly can.
Some Boys are Dogs
Today I had a meeting during 4th mod. I dropped by class to get a pass then walked back out. I was going to go straight to the meeting, but I decided to wait for Shortstack. So I put my stuff down and started pacing.
Ed and 2 other guys in our class camearound the corner. I ignored them and kept pacing. My mistake. If I had watched them or said something then maybe it wouldn't have happened. But the point is that it happened. And it almost ruined Ed's and my friendship totally.
i reached the end of the hallway. When I turned around, Ed was right behind me. A little close for comfort. Because I didn't hear him walk up, he scared me. He put an arm on each side of me, trapping me against the wall. I just stood there, eyes wide. Once he tried to kiss me, I regained control over my body.
I pushed him away, but his arms didn't move and he kept trying. A few tries later, I finally managed to push him away. Then a classmate named Bush came around the corner. He only saw Ed standing there with my hands on his chest. "Woah" he said"somebody's getting freaky." Then he can over and took Ed's place harassing me. I've had enough. I pulled my knee up, catching him between the legs. I laughed bitterly as he fell. I felt tears surfacing and rushed to the bathroom, passing Pool. "Hey! What happened?" he called. I ignored him, slamming the door behind me. I knew Ed wouldn't think twice about coming in, he's done it before. So I made sure to lock the door. I sat on the floor, put my head on my knees, and cried.
* * *
5 mins later
I'm still mad as heck, but i'm no longer crying. I walk out, head high, scowl on my face. Ed was sitting outside. "You ok?" he asked. "Fuck off asshole." I replied. "Wait," he said grabbing my arm. "What did I do?" I stared at his hand until he moved it. "You don't know the meaning of no. N-O." I said. Then I walked into the classroom looking for Shortstack. I saw her in her seat and told her to come on.
* * *
As I look through these pages, I only see bad times. And each and every one of them was caused by a boy. I find it so hard to trust boys now. I've caught them in too many lies. Too many compromising positions. Most of them are horny, stupid, and/or weird.
i need someone mature, funny, sweet. Someone who doesn't make me afraid that he will mistreat me. I guess you could say I have a new phobia to committment. Every guy has the potential to be a great friend. But not many try. And that's what matters.
Internet Freaks
I get on an online site where you can talk to people. I've meet a few good people. The thing is, people chat me. I don't chat them. But because of that, I really only talk to guys online. I'm sure of 4 good people on the site: abeforeu, semi69,thedadof3 and jjwave. I'm always talking to abeforeu about music. Semi69 is the definition of horny but he's really nice, and he isn't freaky. He's funny too. Thedadof3 is the father of 3. He has a drinking and smoking problem but he's really nice. He listens well too, so I could talk for hours without noticing. Jjwave is a surfer and an English teacher. But then there's the weirdos.
Scenario 1: xxcooljayxx>kittykat: Hi
kittykat>xxcooljayxx: Hey
xxcooljayxx>kittykat: how r u?
kittykat>xxcooljayxx: im gud. U?
xxcooljayxx>kittykat: im gud 2
kittykat>xxcooljayxx: dats gud
So we talk for about 20 minutes. Next thing I know........
xxcooljayxx>kittykat: I love u
kittykat>xxcooljayxx: Huh?
xxcooljayxx>kittykat: I love u
kittykat>xxcooljayxx: no u dnt
xxcooljayxx>kittykat: Plez. Can i have a chance?
kittykat>xxcooljayxx: No! Ur 21. And im how old? Huh?
xxcooljayxx>kittykat: Age is jus a #
kittykat>xxcooljayxx: Ha. Tell dat 2 da police
xxcooljayxx>kittykat: Plez
kittykat>xxcooljayxx: No
xxcooljayxx>kittykat: Now ur being a bitch
kittykat>xxcooljayxx: Scuse me?
xxcooljayxx>kittykat: Ur playing hard 2 get
kittykat>xxcooljayxx: im nt playing. I am hard 2 get
xxcooljayxx>kittykat: U strung me along. Teasing me.....
kittykat>xxcooljayxx: I did nt
xxcooljayxx>kittykat: Not on purpose mayb. But u practically begged me 2 come after u
kittykat>xxcooljayxx: Wat? Did nt
xxcooljayxx>kittykat: Huh. no wat? Ur rite. I followed cuz i wanted 2. i'll jus have 2 live wif the heartbreak
kittykat>xxcooljayxx: Fine. Im leaving and dnt talk 2 me
There was this one guy who was a single father. Yet he comes into the room like "Are you freaky?" I was already irritable. I kirked. I asked him if he would want someone saying that to his daughter. He said no. Then I said "Ok. So y da hell would u say 2 some1 younger than ur daughter?" But the time I was done talking, he had promised to try to do better.
The super weirdos, if I already accepted their friend request then I told them not to talk to me. If they did anyway, then I unfriended them. And I was good enough on the site that none of them wanted to be unfriended. I met around 2 or 3 more like xxcooljayxx. As in, we talked for a while then out of nowhere they say that they've fallen in love. I mean, I know i'm cute but not that cute.
One of the first people I talked to on that site was a guy named Evan. He said I was cute. I said thanks. We talked then he asked what I did for fun......
kittykat>evan21: reading, writing, on computer, txtin, etc.
evan21>kittykat: wat about other things?
kittykat>evan21: wat other things?
evan21>kittykat: Lik.....sex
kittykat>evan21: Not happenin. Not anytime soon anyway.
evan21>kittykat: Y?
kittykat>evan21: Im nt tryna get an STD or get pregnant
evan21>kittykat: Its fun
kittykat>evan21: Yea. Shopping is fun too. And safer
evan21>kittykat: watever.
kittykat>evan21: yea. watever
evan21>kittykat: Ur a bitch
kittykat>evan21: No. Ur jus a bastard
evan21>kittykat: Ur the reason people become nuns
kittykat>evan21: Well, ur da reason girls r so stupid. Ur dumb ass knocks em up and they have 2 drop out of school
evan21>kittykat: U must have cobwebs between ur legs
kittykat>evan21: Dats betta than screwin everything with legs
evan21>kittykat: I dont screw everything with legs
kittykat>evan21: Uh- huh. Im going now. Bye idiot
evan21>kittykat: Son of a ----
I closed my laptop, rolling my eyes.
* * *
Few days later
Bad day at school. I log onto the site. My IM button is blinking. Who IMed me?
I wondered. I opened it up. It was semi69. I let out a breath. Good. A friend, not another creep.
Semi69: Hey beauty
kittykat: Hey
Semi69: how r u
kittykat: im ok, I guess. U?
Semi69: gud.
kittykat: dats gud. wyd?
Semi69: jus woke up
kittykat: tru
Semi69: u ok?
kittykat: ehh........mad. Bad day @ skool. Waitin 4 some idiot 2 hit on me so I can let out my anger
Semi69: Lol
kittykat: yep
I got another IM. I checked it. Some dude named Crazyashell.
Crazyashell: Hey sexy
I switched back over to semi69.
kittykat: Think I jus found dat idiot. Hold on 4 a while
semi69: Lol. okie dokie
I went back to Crazyashell. After IMing him back, he started givig me compliment after compliment. When I started typing back, the words just flowed out along with the anger. And let's just say that he never talked to me again. No loss though.
Confusion
I was talkin to a friend. I know he likes me, but I chose to ignore that fact. We're close. Gives each other a huge hug everyday. Talk, laugh, and just being there for each other. We were texting the other day.......
Him: Im cold
Me: Get under a blanket
Him: I did
Me: U have pants or shorts?
Him: Short
Me: Lol. Now ask me how i new dat?
Him: How?
Me: Cuz I no u. Long sleeved shirt?
Him: No
Me: Well put 1 on.....and imma shut up
Him: Y?
Me: Cuz i sound lik a mama. eww...........im still young. promise
Him: Lls. Yea. Let my mom do her job and u play ur part in my life even tho im nt sure wat dat part is
Me: U no wat? Idk either
Him: We can talk about it
Me: Sure. But l8er, ok? G2g 4 choir reh
Him: Ok
1 1/2 hours later
Me: Bac
Him: wyd?
Me: on my way home.U?
Him: at the movies
Me: wat movie u c-ing?
Him: Red Tails
Me: Tru
Him: So u wanna talk about wat we said earlier?
Me: ok
Him: So wat do u wanna b? in my life i mean?
Me: idk
Him: oh
Me: Feelings r blurred. People tell me wat they feel, wat they think
, and i cant think. My brain shut down, i guess.
Him: Well, we can fix dat
Me: How?
Him: Think of nttn but ur emotions and feeling
Me: ........................
Him: Lls.
Me: Dats gonna b hard
Him: No
Me: Yes
Him: Well try
Me: fine. After i eat dinner
Him: ok
After dinner I sat in my room, thinking. I was writing down my feeling. Well, the feelings I could recognize, anyway. I wrote down a few things, but then my mind went blank. I was staring into space for a while, before putting down my journal. I sent him a message that I couldn't do it then buried my face in my pillow. When he finally texted back, I was half-asleep. I picked up the phone.
Him: oh
Me: yep
And before he texted back again, I was fast asleep.
Beauty- Both Good and Bad
Have you ever had someone ask you to do something you know is wrong? Especially when they had just said that they appreciate honesty? I have and it sucks.
So I was talking to my friend James. We was texting, right? Anyway, before dinner we was on the phone talking. And we talked on the phone before school started. Yet here I am trying to get started on my homework and he wants to call me again. I mean, it's already 10:30!!
James: You know we need to talk, rite?
Me: About wat?
James: About us
Me: You do know i dnt lik u lik dat rite?
James: Yes u do
Me: No i dnt
James: Watever. Can i call u now
Me: No, i'm doing hw
James: Plez? Im only askin 4 30 mins
Me: And dats 30 mins 2 many
James: come on
Me: Im trying to bring my grades up, not let them drop
James: And im proud of u 4 dat but plez??
Me: im busy
James: Wyd? Cleaning your room?
Me: I need to but im doin hw. I have a project due on monday, a weeks worth of math due on monday, and a 15 page take home quiz due 2morrow dat i didnt even get yet. i have a reading log and a practice log. And i have an essay 4 history due on Tuesday.
James: fine then txt me when u in bed
Me: 4 wat?
James: So i can call u
Me: .........didnt i tell u i cant talk on da phone in bed? 2 many nosy ppl round here
James: Jus close ur door
Me: Cant
James: Y?
Me: Cuz i useed 2 do it 2 much. My ma said if i closed it again she gonna take it off its hinges
James: ......Find a way
Me: I c-a-n-t. Anyway i dnt want 2 run up my phone bill........again. If i do my ma takin my phone
James: My parents r payin 4 da call
Me: Hello? It goes 2 my bill 2
Me: Now i gotta go and i swear if u try2 call me i will either
1. not answer
2. answer and curse u out
James: Fine. Nite Ms. grumpy
* * *
Pool made me sooooo ready to punch him today. I left my instrument in my locker before lunch because i had a meeting and was hoping it would run into 4th mod. Well, it didn't even last the whole 30 minutes of lunch. So before I went to class I had to ask my teacher if I could go get the instrument. He said yes.
So I started walking to my locker. When I rounded the corner down the hall from my locker, I saw him play-fighting with another guy. He asked me to help him, and I laughed then said "If you can't beat him, then what the heck am i supposed to do?" Then I kept walking. A few seconds later I heard running and knew Pool was coming to give me a hug. I was getting ready to turn around but didn't have the time. "Hi" he said. "Hey" I responded. "We haven't seen each other much lately." he said. "I know right? Now can you let me go so I can go to my locker?" I replied. When I looked up he had this mischievous smile on his face. "Oh," he said "so you need to go to your locker, huh?"
He picked me up so fast I didn't see it coming. I started screaming without even noticing. It felt like I was getting ready to fall head-first to the ground. Once I felt stable, I sahouted "Oh my God, Pool!!! If you do that one more time your gonna get bitch slapped!!!" I was trying to scare him enough that he would put me down, but I don't think the laughter helped. So I just said "Just put me down." He put me down and I laughed and started back on my way.
Sometimes being so beautiful is so hard.
Dump and Bump
Do you know what a bump and dump is? It's when you're really happy, then something happens to ruin that feeling.I had a bump and dump, only backwards. Dump and bump.
We have a dress down day tomorrow. All week, i've been saying the same thing over and over: "I need to pick my outfit." Yet, here it is, Thursday, and I still didn't know what I was going to wear. So, naturally, I was panicking.
I tried sending pics to Shortstack, but she couldn't help. Finally, I tried Epic. I know she could find an outfit where I couldn't. I sent her the same pics I sent Shortstack......
Epic: It's not summer, u no
Me: I jus cant find nttn else
Epic:Well, the shirt that says fly girl with the butterfly and the blue jeans would look good wif ur black converse
Me:K. I'll try it on in the morning. Nite.
Epic: NiteWhen
I got up in the morning, I put on the outfit, amazed. Knowing she would be awake already, I sent Epic a text.
Me: U r a GENIUS
Epic: Why?
Me: I had no idea dis outfit would b soooo cute!!
Epic: Duh. Hello? Im Epic
Me: Lol
Epic: : D I g2g. Dont txt back
Now my hair. As I was working, a chant was working it's way through my brain.
"It's gonna be a great day."
* * *
Gym class; later that day
It was variety day. We could do whatever we wanted all mod. Well......except play soccer since this spanish dude hit the nurse upside the head with the ball. So I was talking to Taco and texting my friend Grant. About halfway through class, I asked Taco if shecould take a picture of me. After she took it, I saved it right before answering another text.
Later, when I got home, I was trying to show my dad the picture, but I couldn't find it! "Oh my gosh!! I could've sworn I saved that pic!! I was gonna put that on facebook." I sighed. "Dad, can you take a picture of me?"
Inside Joke
I was on the bus, riding home. I have a friend that I haven't talked to in a while, JB So I was on the bus talking to my friend Green. I heard her say "Ohhh.....I want some!" When I turned around I saw JB bent over in his seat, shoving something in his mouth. Green and I was laughing when someone said "First Rod eats JB's cookies, then JB eats Rod's nuts." We was like "Ewwwww....." while still laughing. Green and I have read a book series called House of Night where there is a gay couple, Damien and Jack. Green said they were like Rod and JB. I was like "Wouldn't it be funny if someone turned around and told them to keep it pg?" Green said "I dare you to do it." "For real?" I asked. When Green nodded I turned around. After getting Rod's and JB's attention, I shouted "Hey, make sure you keep it rated pg!!" Just then the bus stopped at mine and JB's bus stop. When we got off he was lookin at me funny and I couldn't stop laughing. After walking a few yards I stopped and turned around. Noticing that he was looking back, I raised my hand and said "Remember. Rated pg!!" After that, he started running........straight towards me!! I laughed then turned and started running. He chased me until we were right outside my house. "My dad is home" I said. "I don't care" he replied. Then my dad opened up the front door. Seeing JB backing down I started walking toward the houses. JB was still lookin confused. "Don't worry," I said "it's an inside joke. I'm sure Green or I will explain it to you......sooner or later." After waving to him, he finally started walking away.
But I kept on laughing.
Second-Guessing
So, there's a new guy. I really like him, but you know how most teenage girls are. He's told me that he likes me back, but i still have doubts. The way he treats me is perfect but still, i have doubts. I keep thinking about how great he is and about how he can be with whoever he wants, so why would he choose me? The insecurities of teenage girls are ridiculous. One minute we're perfectly certain of something, but then we get alone and we do the worst things ever: over-analyzing and second-guessing.
Vanilla is THE sweetest guy ever. On many occasions he would pop out of nowhere with words as sweet as sugar. Here are some of the many examples.
Me: Ugh.....im so irritated
Him: Why?
Me: idek (i don't even know)
Him: Smile, you're beautiful
Me: Aww thx hun
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Him: You stay hiding from me when i come up to the school
Me: I don't hide from you
Him: Yea you do
Me: What makes you say that?
Him: Because i stay going up there and not being able to find you.
Me: Lol. I don't hide. It usually just turns out that i'm not in the spot you're looking in
Him: I don't like it. I look hard but it just doesn't work. You're one of the main reasons i go up there anymore. Not seeing you makes it a worthless trip.
Me: Aww i didn't know that
Him: So can you help me out some?
Me: Lol. Sure i'll try. But i'll talk to you tomorrow 'kay? Restriction about to ome on.
Him: : ( ok
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Him: Wyd?
Me: Typing up a weight loss plan
Him: th? (the heck?)
Me: Lol. What?
Him: you have no weight to lose
Me: Lol. Sweet o you to say. Not true, but sweet
Him: why do you think you have to use weight?
Me: Cause i like wearing t-shirts without sucking in my gut......and i like wearing pants without worrying about dino thighs
Him: I think you're over-reacting. You're beautiful
Me: Thx hun. I'm kinda tired. Imma do my sit-ups and go to bed. Night.
Him: Night sexy
These are just a few of the examples. We've been an item since the middle of last year. Unfortunately, he's in college now and i'm still stuck in high school but we make it work. We talk every day, and when he comes to town, he either drops by my house or comes to hang out with me and our friends at school. We never go long without ome kind of contact. I'm loving it.
* * *
I guess to most people, Vanilla isn't the most attractive guy. But when we first started really talking, there's just something that attracted me to him, and as we got to know each other, that attraction got bigger and more pronounced. I first talked to him at a car wash last year. The school wanted to raise money and about 30-40 people volunteered to wash cars. I was hosing off a car, and my friend E moved my hand so it sprayed Vanilla. Later he retaliated by covering us with silly string. It makes me laugh just thinking about it. That string was hell on my hair.
But we didn't actually start talking until Thanksgiving.
Me: Happy Thanksgiving
Him: Who is this?
Me: Shiri
Him: Lol. Why haven't you ever texted me before?
Me: I did once, but you never replied
Him: oh really? Huh, I wonder why. If I had noticed it I wouldn't have ignored it.
We kept texting, all through the night, and into the morning. I fell asleep around 4 am, and woke up around 12:30 with a message from him in my inbox. It kept on like this for the rest of winter break. We wanted to know so much about each other that we started playing a game called questions and it went on, continuously, for days. I was so happy and immediatately started crushing, although whenver he asked me who i liked i changed the subject. Finally, one day we were texting and he was naming all the guys he thought i might like.....
Me: You kept getting it wrong. Lol. Why don't you give up?
Him: because i want to know. Why don't you want to tell me?
I decided to take a leap of faith and took a deep breath.
Me: because it's kinda hard to tell the guy you like that you like him
Him: so you like me?
Me: yea
Him: Huh.....i'm the last person i woulda thought you like. Well, then you already know who i like.
Me: Who?
Him: You
I swear I almost passed out. Then i opened my mouth and screamed from happiness.
I still have trouble every now and then believing that he actually likes me, but that's just how i am. It's a natural part of lacking confidence. But 99% of the time i'm certain he likes me and only me, and that's enough. He, along with his awesome sense of humor, gorgeous smile, protective streak, and intense eyes, is mine.
Great! Then Not-So Great
My really close friend E started dating my friend B, who's like a brother to me. When she told me, I was so happy for them. And I barely ever got to see B, so i was also thinking that them two together meant that i could see my brother more. Boy, it turned around on me. They are so cute, and really really like each other but in my case, that's not always a good thing. Now he spends more time with her than me. I mean, i constantly see him now, but i can never talk to him when E is around, and when she's not, she's all he talks to me about. Whenever E and i argue, he takes her side and tells me that i'm the one being childish who needs to apologize. She pushes me and he stays out of it, but he's all in my face when i push back. And because i'm pretty close to both of them, I'm pulled into every fight and i hear both sides of every story. Sometimes i don't know what to believe.
And oh my God, they are so SAPPY! And have no problem whatsoever with PDA. Matter-of-fact, every other day B slips into our 3rd period class and E sits in his lap until our teacher kicks him out. Then they kiss, yes in front of the teacher, before he leaves. And on the day after, E makes herself late to 2nd period so she can see him before class, and majority of the time she tries to make me late with her. Yet other times, she up and leaves me with no warning whatsoever. Why? To hang out with B. So awesome being in the middle of that huh?
Birthday Blues
I have a love/hate relationship with birthdays, mine specifically. I love that i’m closer to freedom with every birthday, but at the same time there’s the obviously problem: I’m getting older. Birthdays are the time of year where you’re surrounded with people telling you how old you’re getting. The only time of year most of your facebook friends post on your wall and message. The way i feel is that, even though i like being told happy birthday most of the time, if you don’t talk to me on a regular basis, don’t pretend you care just because i’m a year older.
You know the time of people i’m talking about right? Of course you do. It happens to all teenagers, guys included. Matter-of-fact, once people get around the age range of 18 to 25, it’s the start of the please-don’t- mention-my-birthday phase. Me? When i get 25, i’m not gonna stop aging…...i’m gonna start aging backwards. Yep, i’m gonna follow the lead of Benjamin Button.
My boyfriend Vanilla had that early down on birthdays feel. I texted him happy birthday and boy, he was not happy. He did nothing to celebrate his 18th birthday, but instead sat around the house, watching tv and texting me. He’s the party type for the most part so it kinda surprised me. I got him cheered up, fortunately. I hate it when he’s unhappy. When he’s in a good mood, that’s when i am too. Me, on the other hand, although i don’t like that thought of being old, i still have enough years between me and being middle aged that i can still have fun at my parties.
Those friends that playfully talk about you in front of your crush(es). Last year, before Vanilla and i were an item, i invited him to my birthday party. Three of my friends from middle school that i’m still close with are there too. Whole time Vanilla was there, they were telling him stories about thing that happened in middle school, and i spent the whole time with my head in my hands (though i had to admit that they’re funnny).
He Likes Me/He Likes Me Not
Tick tock………
I sit or lay on my bed, asking myself the same questions. Does he like me? How much does he like me? Do we have some type of future? I know that picking the petals on a flower is cliche and all but sometimes i want to do it anyway.
Sometimes serious conversations are a must. Whether i want to or not, I eventually find the courage to ask or tell Vanilla what i was thinking. And its nerve-wrecking at the time, though it never stays awkward or serious for a long time.
***
Me: What would you do if i had somebody that looked like me and we switched lives for a week?
Him: Same thing i would do to you. But i don’t think that there’s anyone out there like you.
Me: even if you knew it wasn’t me?
I knew i didn’t have the right to be but i was slightly hurt by that answer.
Him:it depends
Me: on?
Him: idk, it just depends
Me: you know that’s not a good answer right?
Him: yea i know
Me: as long as you know
Him: Lol
Me: I’m upset now
Him: Why?
Me: i’m jeaulous of my made-up “twin”. Lol
Himm: you shouldn’t be
Me: Do you use your brain all the time?
Me: Ok well turn it on for a minute and ou yourself in my shoes
Him: Ok, now what’s wrong?
Me: (deep breath) Sometimes I don’t think you like me as much as i like you and when i do believe you like me, i have no clue why. Everytime you mention your exes, i get irritated. I miss you whenever we aren’t around each other, and when we are i want to keep you by my side. I love talking to you on a daily basis, but i start to feel like a nuisance if we talk or text for too long. Sometimes i think of you and want to cry because i like you so much but i have no claim to you besides that of a friend. I know you’re funny, cute, sweet, sensitive, and more but i can’t have you. Really kinda pathetic, i know.
Him: I didn’t know you felt that way…….but you’re not pathetic. You’re special to me.
Me: i guess
Him: Wytb? (What you thinking ‘bout?)
Me: (while watching Captain America) That i can’t believe i told you all that and that Captain America is sexy
Him: Now i’m jealous
Me: Lol. You shouldn’t be. Not like i have a chance with him.
Him: You never know. Especially a beautiful girl like you.
Me: Lol. Smh. Flattery at its finest.
Although i shocked myself by managing to get all that out, i don’t regret it. I was feeling horrible before, but after i felt relieved, peaceful, and actually happy. Wonder how long these feelings are going to last until i become insecure again. Let me cherish them while i can.
The First
Before Vanilla, there was another guy. His name is Hill. My first serious relationship. We had been quite close lately, so I should’ve seen it coming. Over one of the school breaks, we went to the harbor with a group of friends. Extra long hugs, walking arm-in-arm, sharing a Mcdonald’s lunch, and me sitting on his lap when there wasn’t enough room on the bench for all of us. When school started back up, he told me he wanted to talk to me but he was in a rush to go somewhere at the moment. After hugging me and going on his way, I started wondering what it was that he wanted to talk to be about. One day I saw him right before he was supposed to leave, and we walked down the hall, to a quiet part of the building. He was so quiet while we walked, making me slightly nervous. Once we settled into a spot on the steps, Hill took a deep breath before turning to me and suddenly saying “Do you want to be my girlfriend?”
I was so surprised that i was rendered speechless for a minute. Then i thought about it. The long, comfy hugs, easy conversation, and more, then smiled.
“Of course i do.”
***
The way our band of friends stay connected is astounding. I told my best friend Extra, and my friend Rob knew because he was there when i walked back to the cafe after Hill left. But by 2nd period the next day, almost everyone knew. Friends were texting me asking why they had to hear from other people and not me, which was slightly comical because i hadn’t seen any of them yet.
At the beginning, the relationship was textbook perfect…...mostly. Saw each other in the mornings, lunch, and relaxed together after school. We liked each other so much and people could tell. Few things he didn’t like though. I had a fear of PDA. Well not PDA exactly, because holding hands and hugging were fine with me. But we never kissed unless we were completely alone. That’s a good thing that came out of it. After the first month, i was getting over that.
Another not so good thing was the start of summer. We still managed to see each other occasionally, but we didn’t get to spend much time together. And that not seeing each other problem got bigger when school started back up. For the most part, we had different schedules, and didn’t see each other much at all. Majority of my after-school activities start later in the year, so no after school hang-outs really. And in our before-school activity, placements were moved around, so he was too far away to talk to.
Near the end of our fourth month together, Hill kept wanting to talk to me about the situtation. Whether i knew how we could spend more time together. But everytime we parted ways, the situation was no better. The third time he brought it up, it was two days after our five month anniversary. I put up my hand, stopping him midsentence.
Me: just tell me. Are you going to break up with me or not?
Him: ……………….
Me: Yes or no question hun
Him: I don’t want us to be strangers ag---
Me: I will be here for you no matter what. Are you going to break up with me or not?
He got really quiet again then looked at me, slowly nodding. I nodded, cleared my throat, before getting up to leave. He grabbed my hand, looking at me to make sure if i was ok. I kissed him on the cheek, said i’m fine, then walked away with my head held high. Naturally, i waited until i got to the bathroom to break down. Extra found me in tears about five minutes later and hugged me until i stopped. When i got up, she looked at me worried.
“Don’t worry about me. I got it out. Starting now, i’m never crying over him again.”
***
About two weeks later, Hill started dating his closest friend Taj, who was supposed to be my “sister”. Of course, seeing that upset me, considering it hadn’t even been a month since we broke up. At the time, I still liked him, too, which made me avoid Taj for a while. We’re supposed to be so close, but you date my ex less than a month after he becomes my ex? And as if fate was laughing at us, he was transferred into my first period B day class, and i was moved into his third period A day class and his B day lunch. Great. We break up because we barely see each other and now we see each other all the time.
I got over him after about a month or so. We started walking to and from our first period B day class together, meeting up in the mornings and walking to lunch together afterwards. And although we’re not as close as we used to be, we’re still pretty close. Taj on the other hand, is a different story. I’m no longer upset with her, i actually no longer cared. We started talking again and we hugged whenever we saw each other. But we don’t really talk about important stuff anymore. Mostly short, don’t-mean-much conversations. But i still did my best to comfort her when it was her turn to get dumped.
Now Hill and i are on great terms. We still walk to and from class together, we eat lunch with the same group of people, we joke around, buy each other Christmas and birthday presents, do homework together, and talk about serious stuff and it’s not even slightly uncomfortable. And i kept the promise i made to Extra and myself.
I never cried over him again.
Impressum
Lektorat: samarafitzgerald
Tag der Veröffentlichung: 04.02.2012
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