Wednesday, ‎July ‎21, ‎2010
how many times a day do you sit there and think to youre self this is my life? well i do allmost every single day i think to my self is this all there is to my life and i belive it is. name is sarah hardey. i was borne the daughter to the preacher daniel hardey and mother daniella hardey. my mother had trouble with concieving me so i had no brothers or sisters to play with to talk to when times got tuff. i had a best friend but evean she didnt know what happend in my house at night when the lights went out. thats when i really dreaded being home. i dont think my mother knew of what my father was doing but if she did i would hate her as much as i hate him. you see no one thinks a preacher will do these sort of things to a child but you also have to realize its sometimes the preacher you have to watch.
tomorrow is my 17th birthday and i cant wait cause than i have only oe more year left to dread this turture. i hide a knife under my bed but i think he knows its there cause latley he will attack me in the bathroom while im in the shower.ive learned its not sae to fite back cause he threatens to kill me if i have ever told a living soul of what he does to me.
it's summer time so i barley get to see my best friend sammy wich really sucks cause her and her family go on a trip every summer all over the place im always invited but daddy always comes up with a reason i cant go. but i know the real reason i cant go. i really wanna tell momma but than im scared she will yell at me 4 what has happened i love momma so so much but if she new of what he was doing to me i would never forgive her.
i wake up early the day of my birthday and leave the house headed to the libary to see my grandma she is the head libarian. she is always asking me if something is going on at home but i allways tell her the same story no gram nothing ya need to worry bout. gram has been there as long as i can remember she been there threw every life change and ever sd and happy moment. gram is only 41 but she is still my gram.
hay gram i say as i enter the libary hay birthday girl she says and wraps me in a bare hug. good baby stop growing on me. cant promise that gram i smile. what hapend to your face sweet. um nothing i fell. the truth he came after me again and hit me so hard i allmost passed out . but he wont knock me out he wants me to know whats happening while he is inside my body. ok sweet. just as i turn around i run into someone oh sorry i say. my bad. sarah you rember matt dont you? hi um matt jackson. matty. wow its been a long time. its sarah hardey. hardeys girl. oh sarah how are ya. im good todays my birthday were um having a party later if ya wanna come. shore i love to. ok its at one at the church. i got to go i have to help my mom set up but um bye. and i left. dont get me wrong i have tried to tell momma but every time i come close daddy cuts in or she is bussy or i chicken out. you see i had to sneak to get birth control im affraid one day something may happen and i know its not 100% effective but it helps in the mean time but wait till his day comes and his day will come.
The party is going grate and daddy is on his best behavior cause there are people around. gram finally shows up and she brout matt with her helping her carry bags and boxes. gram always spoils me on my birthday. hay gram i run into her arms and all most knock her over. oh happy birthday baby. thanks hay gram can i come stay over tonight. please? she must of saw something cause she gave me a look full of sympothy and put her palm on my face acourse you can baby. matt is also staying with me so you to behave. we will gram im goana go tell momma.
i find matt sitting by himself near one of the back benches i grab two cokes and go to sit by him. hear i stick the coke in his face. thanks. can i sit down. um yea go ahead. so um how have yah been? ok i lost my dad and my sister in a car crash a year ago and my mom kinda went bonkers so i came to move in with my gran but she had to go take care of my mom so youre gram took me in 4 a while. im so sorry matt. it's cool i know there in a better place. so what happend we used to talk all the time evean after you moved but than you stoped writing me ? i dont know i figured it was time to leave the past in the past. but evean me? yah squrt evean you. i missed you. i missed you to sarah. i got up to walk away and matt? yeah, under the sercumstances im glad youre back. me to squirt me to. i smiled and walked away i went to go around the back of the building to stay away from daddy but as i rounded the building he grabed me from the back of my neck and pushed me against the building. whos that boy? no one daddy. u wanna be a little slut i show you how there treated. daddy no please. he pushed my shirt up and undid my pants. daddy please, please.
danail my mother yelled he kissed me and told me i was safe for now i buttoned my pants back up and ran as fast as i could to my room to grab my stuff and put it in the back of grams car. we opend presents and had cake and the party was over. i kissed mamma good night and ran to grab gram. ready to go baby girl? yea my stuff is in the car. where she going my dad yelled. to moms my mother said back. love ya momma bye. i ran and got in the car while daddy was talking to a friend of his. matt was allready in the car when i got there.
i called mamma the next day and asked her if it was ok to stay at grams a couple more days she said it was ok with her. i loved mamma she always let me stay with gram and away from daddy.
i was sitting out by the poo; when matt got home. you still hear? he asked with a smile on his face. yea i got go home tomorrow. that sucks squirt. you ah wanna go out tonight? shore love ta. we have talked every night sence i have been hear and i really like him. i mean i liked him before but he moved so the crush went away but now its alot stronger than it was befor and i really think he likes me to. he liked me before he moved last time. he gave me my first and last kiss.
we went to dinner and a drive in movie during the movie he grabbed my hand i snuck a glance and he was looking at me so i smiled at him and he smiled back. after the movie we went for a walk around the old park no one goes to any more. we held hands the whole time. i got up on the balance beam and he pulled me down to him matt i laughed i looked up and him and him down to me we were smiling at each other when he leaned down to kiss me. this kiss made my toes curl. i loved being in matt’s arms if felt so good like nothing could brake us apart. when all a sudden car light's and a horn came blaring straight for us . i recognized the car right away it was my dad. shit i whispered. it's my dad i got to go but um ill see ya soon. bye he whispered. i think he could tell i was scared but didn’t let on. when i got into the car dad didnt say anything to me until we got home. you're mother is not at home so i expect you know your punishment. i got out of the car and tried to run but he got me. daddy no i screamed i tried to brake free but he got my hair and than he punched me in my nose i curled up in the fetal positina while he beat me i thought he would never stop untill he finally did i coughed up blood and layed there crying. he yelled at me and said look what i made him do again he told me to get up and go in the house to get cleaned up before mamma got home. i layed there for a while than finally got my slef up and into my room.
the next day i told mom i was going to grams so i got in the car and just left with out her anwser gram wasnt home but i knew matt would be. i ran up the stairs as fast as i could with out hurtting my ribs anymore i ran into the house and up stairs stright into his room he wasnt inthere but i heard his shower running i didnt care if he was in the shower or not i walked right in and opend the shower curtian sarah he yelled but i didnt care i steped in the shower clothes and all and wrapped my arms around him and cryed. sarah whats wrong? just hold me matt i whispered he did. he didnt say anything, he slowly turned off the shower and grabed a towel to wrapp him self up with he than sank down the floor and pulled me back into his arms.
you ready to tell me what that was about matt finaly asked after we were dressed and in his room. no im ok.yea now you are but what was that eairler ? um no not right now but i promise if i need you ill tell you. you promise ?yea i do i smiled he grabed my hads and pulled me down on the bed by him and started to kiss and tickel me. he hit my ribs and i winced what are you ok? yea im fine i pulled him back down to me and started to kiss him he deepened the kiss when gram decided to open the door matt she said oh im sorry. mat and i pulled apart and split apart. um sorry gram said smileing and walked away. i um go t go but ill see yah later.
dads still dad and me and matt have been dating for over 9 months now. I’ve been able to hide the bruses 4 the most part but i think he has a theory about it. we are going out to dinner tonight to celebrate us. i think tonight is the night for us I’ve been thinking about it and i think it’s right. i meat him at grams and from there we head to the resterount. we get threw are meal and are bout to order desert when i lean over and kiss him. what's that for. i um been thinking i tell him. yea thinking bout what? us and um are next step. next step he says than it pops into his head. he has never preshered me into this but he hinted it once or twice but i told him i wasnt ready and he understood that. squirt are you shore? yea i am . i lean over and kiss him again to prove to him i thought long and hard about this night. he pays the bill and we go back to grams house she wont be home for a while tonight because she goes out with her girl friends and go to the slots. we start to kiss and he than swoops me up into his arms and carries me to his room and sits me on the bed. i let him be in control for the most part i took control a couple of times. we lay there in each others arms the sheets tangeled around us. i love you i whisper in his ear and than suck on his earlobe. i love you to. we start to kiss again and do it another round i look up and notice the clock its 2:30 am i have to go my dad is going to be pissed off. i kissed him one more time i new how my dad would behave about this but matt didn't.
When i arrived home all the lights were out. i went thew the back door wich is close to the back stairs closes to my room. i headed up the stairs and went to open my door when my dad came up behind me and pushed me into my room.
you little slut he yelled do you have any idea what time it is. I’m sorry dad it will not happen again your right it won’t you won’t be seeing matt again. oh yea I said and what you going to do about it. I knew not to make him madder but I was really pissed at him. I’ll show you what I’ll do he threw me on the bed and held me down I finally screamed mom should of heard me he held me down with his hips and undid my pants with the other. mom i yelled dad get off me i screamed aghhhhh help me. he slapped me you little bitch he yelled. no one came to my rescue and my dad is a big man I couldn’t get him off me he raped me and there was nothing i could do. when he finished i jumped off the bed and hid under my desk. when he opened the door I saw mom standing there. why didn’t she help me? has she always known bout this?
mom i yelled. I’m so sorry baby. have you known. she didn’t answer me but I didn’t need her to i could tell by the look on her face. you have always known haven’t you. you let him beat me and rape me as long as i can remember and you just let him. I’m so sorry baby i love you so much. no you don’t. how can you love someone and let them go through all this. I grabbed my shirt and ran out of the house. and drove to grams. gram still wasn’t home but matt was still up so I banged on the door until he opened it. I could tell from the look on his face I looked bad. Sarah what happened. My...... my dad raped me. I collapsed into his arms. he took me into the house and sat me on the couch and cleaned me up and changed my clothing.
I told him everything that my dad ever did to me and i told him how my mother new and stood by his side the whole time. he sat there and held her as she cried and told him everything her gram came into the living room. Sarah gram said. gram I’m sorry i never said anything about it. she got up and walked to gram as she stood there shaking. gram fell to the floor taking Sarah with her. gram say something. I’m going to kill him. well if you kill him you need to kill her also, what? Shourly your mother didn’t know of this. she did gram she did. i didn’t think she did but she told me tonight that she new. i think she let him do it to me so he wouldn’t do it to her. Sarah I’m so sorry. no gram. it's ok i should of told yah i’m um going to go take a bath and go to bed i kissed gram on her cheek and walked away.
when i was done taking a bath i didnt wanna be alone and matt must have guessed that cause when i came out of the bathroom there he stood in front of the window looking out into the night, matt i whispered he turned around and i could see the tears in his eyes. hay come hear i whispered i opened my arms wide and he walked into my embraced. he started to cry hay im ok. It’s going to be ok. i know your ok and all but i just wanna kill him. me 2 . he’s a preacher and he's been doing this. how long ? all most my whole life. babe i just god he yelled and walked away. i sat down on my bed and called him over he turned out the light and climbed into bed with me he wraped me in his arms and i had never felt safer.
the next couple of days went by in a blur mom called ever couple of hours and i didnt wanna talk to her if matt talked to her i dont know what he would say and gram has been depressed. me and matt lay there under the blankets holding on to one another. i dont feel so good i got up and ran to the bathroom and puked up food i ate like 5 days ago. you ok he came up behind me and pulled my hair from my face and rubbed my back, yea must be all the stress I’ve been going through. yah ok let’s get yah to bed and then I’ll go get yea a glass of water i still wasn’t feeling good a couple of days later so i went to the doc and he told me it was just the stomach flu. he gave me some antacid and some robatusom. School has been going on for a while now and all most everyone knows about my father. It’s so weird going there and have everyone who knows you talk behind your back. It’s like don’t you have anything else better to do.
The flu I had seemed to have has gone away. We are now out of school for Christmas vacation. Hay squirt matt says flopping on my bed hay. So um your mom keeps calling. Yea well I still don’t want to talk to her. Yea well I don’t blame yah. So um I have a question for yah. What’s that I say looking up from my magazine. Well my mom is still locked up and I haven’t been allowed to go see her but I can for Christmas. But um do you want to come with me when I go to see her? Do you want me to? Yea I don’t think I could unless you were with me. I took his hand than yea ill go. I leaned over and started to kiss him he climbed up and laid over top of me. I love you squirt. I know I smiled up at him. You do huh he started to tickle me. Yes I do I laughed. Make love to me I whispered. Are you shore? We have only made love once and that’s the night my father attacked me. I haven’t felt like it was something I could handle. I looked up at him and smiled. Yea I am I whispered to him. He leaned down and started to kiss me. Matt I whispered yea babe? Just go slow ok. Don’t worry about it I’ll take care of you, you will never have to worry about your safety with me, i know it’s just I have never really been loved before yah know and I just. I understand he whispered to me. That night we made love and it felt so right just me and him no mom or dad there nothing to worry about. That night i slept in his arms and I felt whole I felt at home and most of all I felt loved.
Over the next few weeks i began to notice a change in my body, like my Brest were bigger and more tender and they hurt with the lightest touch . my stomach was a little bigger and my appetite was becoming so much bigger than it was before. Also I figured my monthly was 5 weeks late. It has never been that late before. May be one or two but never five. I told gram I made a doc appt for a checkup but really it’s to see if I’m pregnant or if I’m just late from all this stress but please god please if I am please let it be matt’s I don’t know what I do if it was my father’s child because than it be my sister/daughter and his daughter/grandchild or son what was I going to do.
Hello Sarah I’m Dr Marts and I understand that were having some monthly problems yes um well you see the thing is ever sense I was old enough to remember my father molested me but recently the same night I count as losing my virginity to my boy friend I was also raped by my father Now i take birth control but I don’t think it has helped and i really do believe I’m pregnant but by who I don’t know. Ok so let me take a look and see what we have here.
Just as I believed I was pregnant. But still had no idea by who. I would have to wait until the baby was born to know by who. Which was my worst fear of all. Matt had gotten a job over the past couple of months so when he came home tonight i wore something i new he couldn’t resists. Hay squirt. Hay come here. Aww squirt you look wonderful but I’m tired babe well than when you get changed will you come talk to me I I need to tell you something. Ok let me hop in the shower and then I’ll come talk. By the time he came into my room i was changed into a old t shirt that went to my hips and was halfway asleep. So squirt what you want to talk to me bout. Hum I whispered . you said you had to talk to me. Oh I whispered I’m pregnant i said and rolled over and fell asleep
When i woke up he was laying on my bed looking at me. Hi he whispered. I smiled so um what you said last night. Yea i was going to tell you better than that but um, so it’s mine. Well you’re the only guy i have been with besides when my dad you know. But it goes back to exactly to the night we were together and then all that mess so um we won’t know exactly who it’s is until the baby is born . and do you want to risk that. But what if it is yours do you want to risk killing are baby. No I would never want to do that but what if? I know how you feel I have been thinking the same thing and if it does happen to be his ill give it up. But if it is yours and mine i want to keep it. Do you want to keep it I asked him. He looked away then back at me and smiled so were having a baby, he smiled at me. It looks that way i smiled back. So do you want to tell your mom matt asked me. No i don’t not yet. But i do want to tell gram if that’s ok yea whatever makes you happy babe.
I didn’t think gram would be mad about the baby. But when I tell her the problem about the father problem that’s when she may flip out. Gram had a bridge game so me and Matt made dinner. So when she walked through the door it was all set.
What’s all this she asked kissing me on top my head. We wanted to make you dinner. Well it looks wonderful. We had a wonderful dinner and had a chocolate cake with vanilla icing. Um gram can we talk to you? I thought something was up. So what’s up you two. Um gram I’m pregnant . oh I see she whispered. But um there’s a problem. And what’s that. She asked covering her eyes. Um I’m 5 weeks and um that goes back to the night dad raped me. So it’s your fathers. Um you see that night before I also lost it to Matt. What? So um there is no telling who the father is until it’s born. And you want to go through this I mean even if it is your father’s. We have been talking and we decided if it is dads I’m goanna give him or her up for adoption. And if it’s matt’s she asked. Um I want to keep it. I see she said. Thank you for dinner I’m going to bed. I didn’t realize I was crying until matt grabbed my hand and squeezed. It will be ok he whispered.
I went up stairs to see if gram really went to bed or if she was avoiding me. I knocked on her door gram I whispered. She was sitting on her rocker looking at my baby pictures. Hay I said sitting by her. Are you ok? Yea she whispered. No i mean are you ok with this? Yes I am I know you will do a great job as a mom. But i really wish it was later on you know? Yea I do gram i really do but it’s what happened. But if i would of new i could of stopped it. I was afraid to tell you. I thought you would be ashamed of me. Ashamed of you, never babe never. I love you gram I snuggled up on her lap and she rubbed my head and sang to me like she always did when i had a nightmare. I woke up in my bed alone that night.
The months are going by so slow but i am now 71/2 months im huge and my mother and father still have no IDEA I’m pregnant. I still won’t speak to my mother. And there is no way in hell ill talk to my dad when i got home from going to the library after school i heard voices i walked in to the kitchen and there sat my mother.
Mom what are you doing hear ? I missed you bunny she turned to look at me and her eyes dropped to my belly. Um I see you have been busy. I grabbed my stomach. Look you got damn bitch i have had it with you. First you let my father rape me cause your afraid he was going to hurt you again so you let him touch me. Second of all this could be your husband’s handy work so why don’t you just get the hell out of this house or better yet I will and I ran I ran as fast as i could without shaking the baby. Sarah I heard matt yell from his truck but I kept going I wasn’t going to stop 4 anyone
I went where i felt more safe than I ever thought I could the old fort in the woods. I sat there holding my belly and crying I couldn’t believe she went there to my house after everything she did to me. I felt arms go around me. Babe I’m so sorry she was there I know you wanted to stay away from her. Matt i want to tell people I want people to know what kind of people they are. I want to press charges and a restraining order. We can do that. But you got to do something for me first he said. What ?????? marry me. Matt i yelled. What he smiled. Were living together and bout to have a baby. Is that the only reason you want to marry me is the baby? No i love you also he smiled again. I love you to yes ill marry you. But what if the baby is? He cut me off with a kiss we will deal with it than. And as far as i see it it is my baby.
The wedding took place a month later. And he looked wonderful she couldn’t believe she was going to be married to this man. Why would he want to marry her and all her baggage.
Sara sat outside under the big oak tree in the back yard she was now 8 ½ months and with only 3 days left to go. She never thought of herself as a mother but she was and it would be faster than she knew it she went to push herself up when her water broke. She couldn’t get herself up the rest of the way and matt was not home she sat there and cried and rubbed her belly saying that she would be all right and daddy would be there soon. By the time matt got home and heard her crying it was close to over he could see the baby’s head and he told her to wait he went and got towels and a knife and nose sucker for the baby he came back and told her this was it and to push. And she did with all her might and at last there son was born. Matt could care less who the father of this baby was but he knew in his heart that this child was his and always would stay that way.

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Tag der Veröffentlichung: 24.08.2010

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