Chapter one- Finding out

I didn’t understand at first why my neighbors were all crowded around my mother she was only sleeping on the sofa, she did that a lot lately Mrs. bells turned to look at me and gasped and she tapped mr bridging’s on the shoulder and pointed at me,I simply smiled at her as I didn’t want to be rude mother always told me to be polite and show respect towards elders .Mrs. Bells put her hands over her mouth and stood there shedding tears I was worried now , why was she crying , My aunty carol stood up from the sofa and scurried towards me with her arms open she lifted me of the floor and squeezed me tight no one speaking , well not directly at me but they were only whispering things to each other I only caught a few words out of the whispers like lonely , and sad I turned to face my aunty carol “ what’s happening , why is Mrs. Bells crying and why are you taking me outside I want to talk to my mommy.” My aunty carol stopped in the porch and sat us on the chairs, she wiped a strand of hair from my face, “ Rosie , darling mommy has gone to sleep and now she’s in heaven with all the angels , sweetie there is nothing to worry about I’m here now .” she pulled me closer hugging me tight and stroking my hair I closed my eyes for a second trying to imagine my mother in a beautiful white dress and sitting with angels all I could vision was her bright blue eyes twinkling and her blonde hair blowing in the wind and her getting up off the sofa to hug me I opened my eyes and glanced around the porch doors to see the living room , she wasn’t moving her hair wasn’t blowing and her eyes weren’t twinkling I let out a little sob , as I realized my mother wasn’t ever going to get up off that sofa to hug me tight like she used too, I cried myself to sleep that night .When I awoke I looked in the mirror to see my six year old self staring back at me I had my mother’s eyes and hair , as I thought of my mother I hopped out of bed giggling it must of all been a dream I looked at what I was wearing it wasn’t my night clothes it was my school dress I shrugged and ran to my mother’s room , empty , I turned back and stood on the landing at the top of the spiral staircase all my happiness danced away like I’d been punched in the stomach , I collapsed to the floor sobbing my little heart out , I had all but soaked the carpet as I propped myself back up I tried to walk down the stairs but I just couldn’t move my legs my whole body was aching I just wanted my mother with me .i heard movement downstairs I was worried , I twisted my torso so that I could peer through the banister , I felt relief and disappointment when my eyes revealed that it was my uncle martin moving about the house I sighed and slowly crept downstairs I saw the sofa on which my mother lay upon the previous day , I searched around the room to see my aunty carol sitting at the dinner table with her hands over her face , I stood next to the stairs hugging the banister staring at her , after a few moments past my uncle Martin spotted me , “ Hey Rose ( my nickname to him ) would you like to sit next to aunty Carol and have some wheetos ?” I nodded silently he took my hand and lead me to the seat next to my aunt she turned to look at me with a smile , I could see her facial muscles twitching she was obviously faking the smile for me , I rapped my arms around her torso and hugged her tight . She had bags under her eyes they were dark purple too it was obvious that she hadn’t slept a wink last night. I felt guilty as I’d slept and she hadn’t I released her from my grip to turn to look at the sofa where my mother lay yesterday , I sighed and searched the room for something to pre occupy me I saw a photo album at the side of the computer desk , I noticed the desk had been cleaned and all the stacks of messy paper and letters were neatly separated onto a shelf above the desk also all the cups and plates from my mother were nowhere to be seen from the desk I cocked my head to look in the kitchen they were washed up on the side , that must have been the noise I heard uncle Martin must have been cleaning around the house all morning perhaps all night too. I hopped down off the chair and scurried over to the desk to reach the photo album I shuffled back to the chair and started flicking through the photos I saw tears fill in Aunty Carol’s eyes as we skipped through pictures of her my mother and me, I reached a page of photos filled with pictures of my mother and father when they first met, their wedding day and then a picture of us three together. My mother and father split up when I was only seven months of age she told me that he couldn’t cope and had to leave. I always thought he was a coward leaving mom to look after me, I never really understood why he had two other children if he couldn’t cope with the one he already had, it’s like making a mistake and not learning from it, I always deep down believed he just didn’t love me or my mother he just wanted to go somewhere else where he didn’t have responsibilities. Uncle Martin walked in with my wheetos he had overfilled the bowl but I just smiled and dug in I was really hungry although I didn’t want to eat it was like my stomach wanted it but my brain was rejecting it like it was a crime to eat at a time like this. My aunt and uncle started flicking through the photos together my aunt laughing at some funnier photos of my mother and her and they both hugged each other and smiled at one another as they came across one of the photos of them too on their wedding day, she looked so beautiful and uncle martin had the most cheesiest grin ever it always made me feel warm inside because I knew I was safe around my aunt and uncle not like I was in any danger or anything just safe and comfortable and unafraid. My aunty Carol looked just like my mother except her eyes were a fluorescent green instead of blue and her blonde her was like a light golden colour, although her lips were a cherry red where as my mother had baby pink lips my lips were more like my aunts but more rosy red that’s where my name Rosie comes from. I finished my cereal in fifteen minutes I stumbled down off the chair and attempted to take the bowl to the kitchen myself, the sun was pouring through the blinds in the kitchen , I tried to lift the bowl up into the sink but I was too short mother said I was due of three growth spurts because I was so small , uncle martin came in to help me , he lifted me up so I could do so as I was in the air I peered into the garden nothing had changed really my bike with the stabilizers was still where I left it my the shed and the flowers that I had picked a few days ago scattered across the path. “Come on Rosie, best be getting you changed out of those clothes.” Aunty Carol called from the living room Uncle martin placed me on the floor and I ran up to her and took her hand she lead me upstairs and back into my room on the way up she paused and stared into my mother’s room I had left the door open so she glanced in and then closed the door, we staggered into my room around the bed to reach the dresser on top of the dresser was a family photo of me and my mother aunty carol uncle martin , grandad Tim and cousin Telisha and Carmen next to aunty Sandra. I rummaged through the drawers to find something suitable to wear I settled for a red dress with white polka dots on it with a white pair of tights and a red ribbon, my hair was naturally curly I slipped into the clothes rather sluggishly aunty carol tutted and help me speed things up she put my dirty clothes into the wash basket at the far end of my room which was next to my toy box , whilst she was doing so I opened my bedroom curtains the sunlight made my baby pink walls look almost white and the cream carpet like stripy from the sunlight pouring through the window. “We have to go shopping today to get you a black outfit along with myself.” She half smiled at me “do we have to do it today Aunty Carol?” I asked sheepishly “yes darling, I would stay here all day but the funeral is tomorrow darling, I’m sorry, how about the quicker we go the quicker we can get back and then we can stay here and look at photos all day, yeah?” she seemed like she was trying too hard to cheer me up I just nodded and followed her lead she asked me to wait on the chairs until she got ready she came down the stairs wearing my mother’s red sweater and jeans she had put some make up on to hide the darkness of her eyes and her hair was brushed so her hair flowed gently against her back we stepped outside and into the car we were going to buy black clothes. I didn’t want to be fussy I just wanted to get a dress and go but Aunty carol insisted I brought matching hat gloves and shoes and a cardigan to match , after she brought herself some accessories she took us to the pizza place and ordered a pizza for us we took it home and shared it with uncle martin who looked bored out of his wits .Aunty carol placed our clothes on the sofa as she did so I felt a sharp pain in my chest I don’t know why but it took my breath away I quickly hid my tears away by turning around and wiping them away with my sleeve I hoped they hadn’t noticed it . I didn’t realize how fast the day had gone by before I knew it I was changing into my night clothes this time I fell asleep of tiredness.

Chapter two – the funeral
I was abruptly awoken by my uncle it was 08:06 am, “Good morning sunshine, come on downstairs you have to put your cloths on and have something to eat, is crumpets and orange juice okay?” I half smiled at him I was trying to make him feel comfortable now , we went downstairs after tidying my bed I walked into the living room to find my aunt dressed in her new clothes and accessories she looked beautiful apart from the dull colours I smiled at her she just blew me a kiss and returned to hovering on the sofa were my clothes neatly laid out I took them to the bathroom to get changed I pinned my curly lock back with a headband , it was silver and sparkly I returned to the living room to find my grandad and aunty Sandra seated on the sofa whilst my two cousins Carmen and Telisha sat on the chairs at the table they were both wearing a black skirt with a rub red vest top with a black cardigan there hairs were platted into piggy tails my aunty Sandra wore a silk black dress with a black cardigan and my grandad wore a black suit with a red tie , I noticed they were all staring at me I was wearing a black dress with black lacey tight with black pumps and cardigan I also wore the headband , my mother’s headband and her black bracelet my lips were as red as ever and I was very pale today because I felt ill about the funeral, “Hey Rosie your crumpets are over here along with your juice.” My uncle beckoned from by the dinner table pointing to the seat opposite my cousins they were both ten they were twins, they smiled and looked at their feet as I found my seat opposite them I felt everyone’s eyes burning into me I covered my face with one hand as I ate and drank so that I didn’t feel as embarrassed, “well at least she’s eating aye couldn’t have her starve herself now can we.” I heard my aunty Sandra whisper to the others my cheeks blushed red and I began to feel drowsy I closed my eyes and swilled my mouth with juice , I couldn’t hold it back so I jumped of my chair and sprinted towards the bathroom I made it just in time I started puking into the basin of the toilet i felt more sick thinking about being sick my Aunty Carols arms found me , after I stopped spewing she held me in her arms and cradled me for a while I sobbed into her arms she then released me to go and brush my teeth whilst I did so she cleaned up around the toilet and finally spraying air freshener to drown out the smell. I could hear the others in the room next door all whispering curiously “I hope she’ll make it.” my cousins said “no, I think its best she stayed she’s ill and too young “my aunty Sandra announced “No, she is coming it’s her mother for Christ sake have some sympathy for her she’s obviously ill from the stress and as for age she’s fine.” my grandad backed my case and my uncle martin agreed with him.
There was silence for a while I opened the back door that led to the garden and sat on the door step I let the wind brush across my face the fresh air was helping a lot , I sat that for so long that I dozed off on the step .
When I awoke we were outside my memory told me that we were at my mothers favorite park, we were seated on white chairs there was a large whole in front of us which I knew that inside was the coffin which I presumed was where my mother lay, sleeping my eyes filled with water at the thought I looked around the scenery there were a lot of flowers which I thought would be either put in with her or on top , there was a man I think he was a priest he was saying some stuff about how my mother was beloved and fought hard against cancer but has now returned to god in heaven I just wanted to attack him my mother shouldn’t be with god she should be here with me. after the dirt had been put into the grave and flowers placed on top I sat next to the grave talking to my mother I knew she couldn’t hear me but I felt better talking to her , the others walked away but i didn’t want to go i watched them looking at me then turn to talk even Aunty Carol walked away I was about to call her back to me when , some unfamiliar hands found me I froze in shock I couldn’t speak , my eyes tried to find the man who’s hand was upon my shoulder I couldn’t twist my head far enough to see but then he stepped in front of me and changed his position to kneel in front f me that when I recognized him I’ve never seen him in person just in photographs , photographs of him and my mother this man was my father. I struggled to find my words I finally stuttered “why, why are you here?” he just looked at the grass “I loved her once you know; I couldn’t abandon her at her own funeral especially when she’s the mother of my child.” I frowned at him I wanted to say a lot to him but I was only six the only thing I could say which I understood really was “well you abandoned her when I was a baby, when she most needed you!” I shouted these words with fury and anger and turned my head to look at the place upon which my mother had just been buried. “I know and I’m truly sorry for that, but that’s another reason why im here I want to make things right and if I neglected you as a baby I just can’t neglect you now you’re going to come and live with me and my children and fiancé, you will come won’t you.” I started crying I didn’t want to live with him and his new family I didn’t know him at all I wanted to run, run to the family I was familiar with run to my aunty Carol and uncle Martin but I couldn’t see them anywhere why was everyone leaving me, I felt alone at that moment like no one cared for me I felt abandoned. “I don’t know you, where my aunt Carol I want her I want her now!” I cried out to him pleading for him to take me to my aunt, he stood up and said in a deep husky voice “she’s gone it’s just you and m now kid, were going to go back to your house and get your stuff, okay and then you’re coming home with me no questions asked the papers have been signed come on.” I had no choice but to abide how could my family leave me , abandon me for a total stranger , I wanted my mother more than ever why did she have to go , why did she have to get cancer . I sobbed so much that my eyes were red and sore on the way into the house I saw my aunt and uncle leaving I tried to chase the car I was screaming after them they turned the corner and I had lost them my father’s hand caught my arm and spun me around “don’t you ever run off, do you hear me, you could of got hit by a car!” he screamed at with his finger pointing at me his grip was tight and painful. as we entered the house he told me to get my things I shut my door bagged all my stuff up and put them next to my bed I changed my clothes into some piggy pajamas and fell asleep on my bed.


Chapter three -unfamiliar
I woke up by the sunlight on my face , as I turned awake form it the bed I was lying in creaked by bed doesn’t creak I thought I sat up and my faced dropped I looked around the room I was in the carpet was red and the walls were blue this bed looked really old my bags were on the floor by the window this room was smaller than my own bedroom which had all my photos and had my dresser in the one my grandad built for me and my walls and carpet which my mother had done for me I started to cry loudly , then a woman with ginger hair walks in she was very skinny , she wore a black vest top and tracksuit bottoms her hair was tied back In a scrunchie , “what could possibly be a valid reason for you making this much racket , Christ some of us are trying to sleep around her “ she was screeching at me I started sobbing quietly I pulled my knees to my chest wrapped my arms around my legs and began to rock and cry she slammed the door yelling “BRAT!” on the way out I hear her get back into bed I slipped into a pair of jeans and jumper and then I filled a bag with the stuff I needed most and hit it under my bed , in case I have to leave in a hurry I thought to myself.
Two little boys walked into my room just as I hid the bag, one of them the taller one said “my names brad and him he’s Charlie (pointing to the younger one) If you stay out of our mums way you’ll be fine oh and don’t cry either it does her head in.” they both giggled at the last part like they found it funny that im always crying “how old are you brad and what about you Charlie?” Charlie was about to answer then brad silenced him “well me im nine but he’s eight, what about yourself?” he asked genuinely politely “I’m six I will be seven not tomorrow but the next day.” I said this with a smile “ha good luck with presents you haven’t been here long, mom doesn’t know you ,you probably won’t get anything but he being nice to you for the day .” only brad laughed this time Charlie just smiled at me

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Texte: Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.-Martin Luther King.
Tag der Veröffentlichung: 15.04.2011

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Widmung:
To my best friend jodie whohas lost her mother to cancer-