Goodbye

*What is death like* I asked myself as I sat in my bath tub that night with a razor in
my right hand and my left arm extended in front of my chest. *I defiantly didn’t know, but it has to be better than what I’m going through. Better than my life here on this Earth. I’m eighteen and trapped!* My head screamed and ached. So many thoughts ran through it and I couldn't control what they were.

I grew up depending on my self. My family was to wrapped up in there own problems to pay any attention to me. My mom couldn’t keep a job, so she gave up on that when I was thirteen and she started spending her time in old run down bars drinking the day away. She would home drunker than a truck driver. She would greet us a good evening but she was so drunk that every word that came out of her mouth was so slurred none of use understood her, it was like a foreign language that was not to be deciphered.

My dad wasn’t a drunk or a drug addict like my mother, but he was abusive and a control freak. Nothing ever good comes from being abusive and a control freak. Both the abuser and the one getting abused can tell you that. My father is unloved by all of us, we don't give a horse's ass about him, and we get the downside of all of my father's anger. If he doesn't love us why should we love him. You have to give to receive. I'm cover in bruises of all sort from head to toe I'm surprised people haven't noticed.

I have two siblings. Karmen, my older sister, and Balthazar my younger brother of fifteen but there another detail I'll tell later when I thinks it's important. Right now it's about me.

I was alone that night dad was working late and wouldn't be home until almost midnight. Mom was out at another bar getting drunk for the second time to day, and Karmen and Balthazar are up to whatever they do every evening . Proabably creating havoc somewhere, but I didn't care. I'm actually happy to be alone with no one around. I can think that way. Okay, don't get me wrong I'm a loner (The Lone Wolf). I have one friend and my family hates me, but I love being own.

I sat in the tub and laid the razor down on the rim of the tub and turn the water on straight hot. The way I like it then I sighed and reached over and picked up the razor again. Placing it firmly against my waist. I knew what I was about to do and I was okay with it. I slid the razor across my wrist a trail of blood following behind. Instead of feeling pain a sudden rush of instint relief cover me like a pretective blanket but my problems weren't completely gone and I knew it to well.

Blood dripped from my wrist and hit the water, turning tge water pink as the blood mix with water then disappeared completely. I placed the razor against my wrist again right of above her last cut and slid it across my waist.

The water the tub began to turn red because the water wasn't very high yet and I was losing quite a bit of blood. Finally, my goal was achieved as tears began to run down my face. She was finally able to cry after months on end. Months of holding all of her emotions and problems inside hiding away from the outside world.

When, I slid the razor across my wrist for the third and blood began to pour from that cut. my head began to spin and spin. I tried to get out of the tub-the water had gone cold-but she was to weak and fell back down into the water with a loud splash. That's when I thought my mind was playing tricks on me, but my mind hadn't someone had knock on my door, and now that person was standing in front me.

I tired to put faces with faces but this one I didn't recognize. I knew that I knew this person but for some reason I couldn't put my finger on it.

“Miranda?!” I heard the person call my name right before I black out and everything when dark.

The Dream

“Who are you?” I asked the figure that stood in front.

“ Who know exactly who I am?” The figured replied

“No I don't I have never seen you before. Where I'm I. Am I dead?”

“Miranda your not dead. You here because you just put yourself in danger, you nearly killed yourself.”

“Well, no offense- what ever your name is- but if you haven't noticed thats what I was trying to achieve.”

“Well Miranda. I hate to burst your bubble but is not time for you to die yet.”

“How the hell do you know my name?” I asked, “And whats your's”

“You know my name? Think about it?”

I thought about it for a few minutes and then suddenly the name came me but I said like a question. “Corrina?”

“I told you. You knew it.” She chuckled

“Yeah but how did I know that. I have never see you before.”

“ That's because I'm you?”

“What the hell do you mean.” I said in an angry tone even though I was trying to keep my cool.
It didn't work. I was angry. Who was this girl? Why is she really here other than to bug me to death, and what did she mean by “that's because I'm you.”

“Miranda stop acting like you don't have a brain and use it for once in your life?” She snapped, apparently she didn't like the mood I was given her, but she was going to have to deal because I am know where near finished with her. She had no right to come in and tell what to do. I mean who the hell did she think she was? The queen of England. I think not.

“If you haven't notice I use my stinking brain everyday. Your not the know you has to keep up with and rely on yourself to get dinner made everynight and clean the house every weekend or watch you little brother, older sister, and parents who suppose to the ground up and setting the right examples for the the rest of us. And since they can't get there acts together I have to be the adult and I growing sick and tired of it. I want to be a kid while I still can. I'm growing up and I running out of time to be a kid.” I shouted at her. I knew she was going to shout back at me but didn't give a care.

“I understand that, But you need to get it through that puny little brain of yours that you can't do everything yourself. If you try to do everything yourself you'll just get yourself into a heap of trouble that you can't get yourself out of. Your just digging yourself a hole and you just going to dig it deeper and deeper until you have dug it so deep that when you finally realize what you have done it'll be to late and then stuck at the bottom of a dark pit.” By the time she had finished she had lowered her voice back to where she had it originally

I know she was right, but I also knew what I had to do., But I took and deep breath and sighed before I spoke again. “I understand Corrina, But please let me handle my own problems my own way, and I doubt I'll need any help. Oh, yeah, and back to the question I asked you earlier 'What you mean your me?' that I still don't understand”

“Miranda. I'm your mind. Your subconscious. I don't usually take the form for a girl your have a name, but I came to you in this dream. Thats why I'm in human form and the reason I have a name I because I used to sneak my way into your dream all the time when you were little. You kept trying to get rid of me but when you realized you couldn't you gave me the name Corrina, and it just stuck.” She giggled to herself, but I heard her loud and clear and giggled along with her before she said “Miranda this won't be the last me. You'll have know where and when I might pop up, but right now it's time for you to wake up.”

I tired to ask her what she meant by that but she had already vanished before the word even escaped my lips. Now, I heard a different voice calling my name.

“Miranda? Miranda? Wake up hun. You have to wake up now.” The dream began to vanish right behind Corrina, as I rolled over and opened my eyes.

Come with Me

The room was unfamiliar and very very dull. I engulf and white, the most boring color ever. The walls were white the door was white the only two window in the room where white. The sheets on the bed where white and the one lonely vase of flowers was white also. WHITE! Why WHITE!

I must have sat up to fast cause when I did a throbbing pain shot through my head. I moaned in agony and pressed the palm of my hand against my head. I noticed that there where I.V's stuck in my arm.

“Well, well, I'll be. Sleeping beauty's finally wake.” Some said calming. I looked up to see my best friend, Eleanore, sitting on the and of my bed.

“Eleanore? Where am I” I asked trying to concentrate through my throbbing head. My voice sounded weak and my throat Ached when I talked.

“Your in the hospital. If found in the bathroom the other night.” She said it as calmly she could, but I could sense the worry in her voice. She looked exhausted, she had bags under her eyes and was really really pale.

“Are you okay?” I asked her watching her doze off.

“Huh, oh, yeah I'm fine. Just staying up for to days straight has wore me out.”

“Well why did you still you for two days straight?”

“Because I was worried about you stupid. I mean you tried to kill yourself and you might have succeeded if I hadn't showed up.” She said a frown forming on her face. “Why?!” She said sincerely.

“Why what?” I asked acting all innocent.

“Why?” She asked again

To my advantage the nurse walked and said “Miranda I need to change your bandages” I smiled and held out my left hand and she unwrapped the bandage. When my arm was completely unwrapped I noticed that of the cuts where stitched up. She re-wrapped my wrist and ask me to promise I would do that again then added the fact that I could leave today and go home.

“Thank you?” I said simply. The nurse smiled and left the room.

Then, Eleanore spoke up; “Your not going home! Your coming with me. I'm not letting you go back to that house. I care about you and your safety to much.”

Suddenly I knew what I was going to say was the wrong thing to say and it would hurt Eleanore. She is my best friend and she loves and cares so much. A little to much if you ask me, but I ode her and I was going to pay someday somehow. She saved my life and this made me realize my job here on Earth is not over so Its not my time to go.

God has a time and place for me and I'll endure all of the hardships that he throws at me, and if I need help I'll turn to him. Not to death. Hopefully. (Well at for a while at least not right now)

“I can't go with you Eleanore. I have to go back to that family the family I hate. The family I don't claim, But they need me. I'm the only in that house that actually has a functioning brain. I hope you understand?”

“I understand. Do what you have to, but here.” She said, grabbing my right arm and pulled a pin out of her pocket. She wrote a number on the back of my hand and said “Call me when ever you need me. Anytime of the day. I love you Miranda.” She smiled and kissed my forehead.

Back to that place

My sister pulled up into the parking lot about thirty minutes later. Right about now I was wishing I had succeeded earlier in the bathroom. I din not want to get into that car with my sister. I didn't want to she the way she was dressed even though I already knew how that was going to be, and I diffently did not want to go back to that house, but I knew what I had to do.

I got into the car and yep I was right she was wearing I a white net pattern see through shirt with a black bra on underneath, and a mini skirt that was so short that you could she her black thongs why she was both sitting and standing it wasn't every pleasant, but she seemed happy enough, but that wasn't enough for me to keep my big fat mouth shut. I just had to open it.

"I know your a big fat whore thats walks around town or goes into some random strangers house struting her stuff, but that so does not goes you the right to come pick me up at the hospital in this ged-up." I said in a overly loud voice.

"And where in the world to get off talking to me in the tone, little girl, and who do you think you are calling me a fat whore." She shouted back at me. her right hand come of the steering wheel and collided hard and fast with my face. "Why where you in the hospital anyways."

"That's none of you fucking businees. You don't acknowledge me at home or pay enough attention to me to even care. So why should I tell you, Karman." I shouted back. Her slap not even fazsing because I have became us to it.

"I don't care." She said, "I do you think I go out every day doing what I do. To feed you and that house of fucking idiots."

"Karman, there are other ways to get money the selling your souls to any random stranger that come up to you on the side of the road. As long as they've got money where it's a boy, girl, or dog for crying out loud you fuck them like crazy. You know Karmen why don't get you fucking act together and grow a brain and learn to use it. Cause what you doing it only causes four things and none of them are good things 1. illegal but you don't care. 2. harmful to your body and will probably get you pregnant if not infected by some kind of sexual transmitted disease. 3. It gives you a bad reputation, and last but not least 4. killed but you don't care about that either. You know Karmen is you think more highly of yourself other people will to and maybe you'll have some friends, but right now your only being thunk of as a easy piece of trash the people can use and through out when there done with you." I finished and this got me a punched in the face and a bloody nose but I didn't care I know I was right and what she was doing was completely wrong.

"Miranda, do yourself a favorite and never but into my life again your you will regret it. I don't care that your my little sister cause your were about something. I don't care, I don't care about you or our little brother or our parents." She reached and grabbed my hand make my palm face up. She pulled down the shelve of my shirt and said, "I wouldn't have shredded a tear and I would miss you at all." This struck me like a ton of bricks but I had back the tears cause I couldn't show her that I got to me and would make her think that I'm weak and that is thing I defiantly am not, is weak.

Karmen pulled into the drive out and stopped. "Get out I have to go. Do what you have to do but do not make me see your face and defently do not make me pick you up from the hospital. You if you ever try to kill yourself again you might as well succeed, because to me you are already dead." She said.

I didn't say anything instead i got quickly and quitely out of the car and slammed the door closed. Karmen drove off in such a hurry the wind from the car knocked me over. I stood back up and brushed myself off. I headed to the front door, but before I entered to glanced at the clock and was noon so I'm the only one here again. I locked the door and enter.

I started up stairs to my room and I heard some unfamiliar voices. I grabbed the nearest thing I could use for a weapon which was a umbrella, and followed the sound to mother parents room. Okay now I reconized my mother's voice, but the other voice I still didn't reconized. It was a guys voice but not my father's.

I reached the bedroom door and opened slowly, to find my mom in a very awkward position with a gut other than my dad I closed the door slowly and as lightly as could, but I guess it was to loud because I heard my mother yell, "who's there?"

I quitely and quickly tried to get up stairs but my what at her door and fully dressed in what seemed like seconds.

"Milanda Gwendolyn Collins? What the hell do you think your doing just walking into my room like that!" She shouted walked towards me fast with a look of daggers on her face. Her right hand went immedately around my neck and my feet came off the floor an a mere second. Before I caould explain I was flung into the wall across the room with full speed, and hit the floor with a loud thud.

She chuckled evilly and said, "If i ever catch you in my room again." She then turn and left the room. I stood but granted with the pain that shot through my back, and headed slowly up stairs to my room.

the end of chapter four five will be up soon. thanks serena.1

Cinderella

The next morning I woke to my head pounding and the sound of my family bickering violently at each other. Welcome to my hell of a life. Why didn't I just go with my eleanore, oh yeah duh that's the reason. This fucked family of mine needs someone to look out for them or they won't survive. I dought very highly that they would make it with out me. They don't have enough brain compasity to know that one plus is two, how would they know how to take care of themselves.

"MIRANDA!" Everyone yelled at the same fucking time, causing head to feel like it just had a dozen dull knives shoved to it at the same time. I granted against the agonizing pain, and hollered back. "I am coming."

I reluctantly crawled out of my comfort zone that was that of my bed and my room, they only place in this house that was mine and the place were I could be me. I sighed at the top of the stairs and decended down them. Turning to the Kitchen I went to start breakfast.

Five minutes later the rest of my braty-assed family stroles in. My brother in his boxer's carriing a overflowing basket of laungry. My sister dressed in her usual slutty gittup.

Impressum

Tag der Veröffentlichung: 08.05.2011

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