Born, raised, and stuck in the Bronx shaped my life, made me who I am today. Though, who am I? Why can't I figure it out?

I mean, I know my name Jason Candon, that's nothing that any other person doesn't know. What I mean is, where do I stand in this world? What do people think when they hear my name? Mostly, why am I here? Also, I've found myself wondering what role I am in the gang I've been in.

The answers wouldn't come easy, they wouldn't come fast. Some though, wouldn't ever be answered and that bothered me but there was not a thing that I could do.

I laid in bed for a long time, I knew I should have gotten up quite a while ago but I was indifferent. Where would I go if I were to get up? It was one of those lazy days.

A tapping came at my window, light and quiet at first to where I almost hadn't noticed it. Slowly, it started getting louder.

After a few moments of testing the persons patience I got up and opened the window, glancing up at the black-haired boy that knelt at the window.

"Hey there" Zac said before shoving past me and into my room, stretching his legs and back.

"Sure, come on in" I said, he knew I was messing around though my tone hadn't been convincing; what was I going to do? Keep him out on the ledge? He was one of my gang brothers after all.

"Of course, so you getting your lazy ass out of bed or you going to be lazy all day long?" Zac asked, I was walking over to my closet as he talked.

"I'm out now, aren't I?" I asked cockily, testing him. He cocked his head then blinked at me before scoffing and throwing an empty chew can at the back of my head.

"Got any dip?" He asked uneasily, I nodded at the bed side night stand, it was mahogany and old. He moved to it and opened the first drawer, moving aside the contents as he searched for my stash.

Failing, he opened the second drawer, moved aside a few things and finally came across it. Three cans just in there.

"Ahh, I'm taking one, do ya mind?" He asked over his shoulder as I dug through my closet; like I had a choice if he'd take one? He'd put it in his pocket and we'd 'forget about it' anyways.

"Nope" I yelled, my reply was slightly muffled because of the closet. I shifted through the accumulating pile and found a plain blue shirt and skinny jeans. Yes, I said it, skinny jeans.

If I wasn't slightly out of the loop, who was? I was in a gang wearing black skinny jeans and piercings. Why, you ask? Well, I'll tell you.

Two years ago -

It was mid-July, hot outside and not a cloud in the sky to show any hint of saving us from being fried. Of course, I didn't mind, I was used to it since I had worn skinny jeans back in middle school and I had just graduated.

I wore sweatshirts a lot but not today, it wasn't that kind of warm. My hair hung down over my eyes as it always did, the back spiked up in a messy style. My blue eyes scanned the street as I sat on the curb.

I was relaxed, dressed in all my favorite things. A few people crossed every now and then, a few kids played soccer off to the left; out of traffic.

I stretched out my legs that had just been bent, leaning back on my arms. I suddenly felt eyes on me, not that they hadn't been before since I was a sore thumb in the area I lived in.

I was like the white sheep amongst the black; non-racial of course.

I turned my gaze at the boy staring at me, he was dressed in baggy pants, a plain tee and basketball sneakers; a regular boy in this area. What struck me was the blue bandana, most of them on this turf wore red. Did he want to get himself killed?

Yes, they could cross each other without wanting to exactly kill each other on first site but this was strictly Blood territory; they lived here. What was he doing?

He sat down on the top step of the set and reached up, rubbing his face as he seemed to wait for something. Was he friends with a Blood?

He noticed me staring and looked back at me, watching me carefully. I didn't look away at first, I had half-zoned out thinking of what he was doing until the door behind him opened.

I looked up at the girl who stood in the doorway, she must have not expected him because her expression was one of shock.

That's when I turned away, I didn't care what happened next, I knew her brother was a Blood because they lived across the street from me; I didn't want to see someone get killed.

I got up and started walking down the street. I hadn't ever been asked to join a gang but the thought sometimes crossed my mind. Which gang would try and recruit me? Would I join the Bloods or the Crypts? Did it matter? Of course it mattered, it'd say whether I'd live in my home at night or have to live in fear that it'd get shot up.

No question, I'd probably join Bloods to keep my mom safe as much as myself. Would I like the people? Would they ask me to change who I am because it's not the style of their gang? Did they exactly have a style other than the bandanas I noticed they wear to mark them as they are?

I slid my hand into my right pant pocket and pulled out my Ipod. I used to wear a bandana, you know? A white one, people asked me what gang that symbolized; I just shook my head and walked away.

Turning my Ipod on loud, I put in the ear-buds and kept walking, staring down at the ground while looking up every now and then to make sure I didn't bump into anybody.

I didn't know where I was going to go, I suppose I could go to the skate park; nobody bugged me there. I could go to the regular park, only little kids and their parents ever went there. It didn't matter all-in-all where I went; nobody would bother me regardless.

I decided on the skate park, it was who I am, skating is what I live by. The bruises, black-and-blue marks, the endless scrapes and scars I had gotten from skateboarding and the broken bones shaped me.

I couldn't feel pain in my right leg anymore because I had broken it so many times.

I didn't have my skateboard with me so I just sat on a bench, leaning back while watching someone I knew do tricks.

"Yo, Jason!" Scott said while walking up to me, I smiled and nodded to him.

"Hey" He nodded back, sitting down next to me.

"Don't have your skateboard?" Scott asked, I shook my head.

"Nope, didn't plan on coming here until I had gotten up and was walking" I answered, he nodded then held up his own; offering it to me.

"No thanks, bro. I'm good" I said, turning down the offer, I turned my Ipod off and stuck the earphones back into my pocket. He nodded then sat down, putting his skateboard on the ground while putting his feet onto it.

As quiet fell down around us I stood up, glancing down at him.

"I have some stuff I have to do real fast, I'll catch ya later, okay?" I asked, it was rhetorical since he would have to agree anyways.

"Oh, yeah, sure" Scott stood up as he spoke then patted my shoulder, for unknown reasons.

"Keep yourself safe" Scott said before turning and leaving, I watched him walk away.

I didn't really have anything to do, I just couldn't stand silences while Scotty was known for them; he loved them no matter what the circumstance.

I sat down at a small store just outside the skate park, leaning back and closing my eyes.

"Hey" A random voice spoke up, I opened my eyes and turned my head towards the voice. Karma was against me today, wasn't she?

"What's up?" I asked, not honestly caring but not wanting to be rude. The man got up off the ground and took a seat beside me on the bench.

"I've seen you around... what's your name?" The man asked, he was tall, medium toned skin, short hair with a hat that hid it. And a red bandana.

"Jason" I said simply, he watched me for a moment.

"You live down the road from me, across from the Sanders, right?" He asked, moving his hand as he talked. I nodded.

"Right, who are you?" I asked, squinting from the sunlight.

"I'm Kyle Smith" He said, I wanted to question it but stayed silent.

"Oh, you live down the road from me, the one member of the bloods gang, right?" I asked, he laughed and watched me.

"You're alright, you know that?" Kyle asked, I shrugged.

"Hey, well you know" I said simply. Kyle took his hat off and rubbed his face, nodding before slipping the hat back on.

"Why'd you move to this area anyways? Everyone knows it's no good" Kyle said honestly, I respected him for it.

"My mom had gotten a job offer she couldn't refuse, she's a single mom and well... had to do for us what she could. Regardless of the neighborhoods reputation" I spoke clearly, leaning forward to put my elbows on my knees. Most people wouldn't say so much but me, I had nothing to hide. It was my past.

"Ahh, kinda sucks for you in the end, no?" He asked, watching me carefully. He seemed to analyze me.

"Eh... not really to be honest. I haven't been bugged about the whole gang thing. I guess as long as you're not in a gang nobody will harm you. Then again weirder things have happened" I noted, turning my head to look at him. The sun was bright and for the first time I really looked at him.

"Smart guy" Was all he said, I nodded then sat up. Not sure what I should say next.

"When'd you move here?" I asked, trying to make conversation.

"When I was ten, my family moved here. When I turned eleven my older brother joined the bloods and that kinda doomed me. He wouldn't let me say 'no' to them. He actually recruited me into it." Kyle explained, I nodded.

"Did you wanna be a part of it all?" I asked.

"Not really, I mean... I was only eleven years old, man. I was just a kid. I had some plans for future and by no means does being a part of a gang stop that. I can take the bandana off and nobody'll know. I can move far away, nobody will know. It's just... some of the things I've gone through and seen... no kid should see. Ya know?" Kyle asked, I half nodded.

Since I had lived here I had seen some things that no one should see and later, I'd learn, were only mild things compared to what I would learn.

"Anyone bother you about the gang shit yet?" Kyle asked, I shook my head no, wondering if he was going to try and get me to join.

"Try and avoid it if you wanna live a carefree life. If you want cheap thrills and all that then just come to me. I'll get ya in. Just warning, the beginning isn't easy" Kyle explained, I nodded. A cheap thrill was always nice but how was being in a gang a 'cheap thrill'?

Once in a gang, the only ways out were moving or dying. I didn't wanna die.

There were other ways but nobody, not even I, recommended that one.

A silence fell upon us for what seemed like a moment but Kyle seemed to notice it. He stood up.

"Well... I'll see ya around, I have things to do and if I don't get 'em done they'll just follow me around" Kyle stated, he didn't wait for any answer, he was gone.

I liked him, no homo of course, I was straight but he didn't push anything onto me and I appreciated that. Being seventeen, I didn't want anything to be forced upon me. I was who I was and nothing was gonna change that.

I got up and started walking around, the day seemed to drag on as I looked for things to do. I wasn't used to it yet and so just aimlessly watched cars as they passed me on the street.

It was then that I took into consideration of joining a gang. It was either that or be bored like this forever. Would I really go through with it?

I figured I'd sleep it off but as I neared the park, something didn't feel right. Nothing felt right. My stomach tightening as I bit my lip, my senses seemed to heighten suddenly as I glanced around.

I tried to pay no attention to it as I walked to the swing-set. You can't get too old for swings. As I slowly swung myself back and forth, not bothering to kick off the ground, I tried to forget the feeling that had just washed over me.

It was subsiding by a little, slowly, but still wouldn't leave. I glanced around, listening carefully, trying to see what my gut seemed to wanna scream out to me.

That's when I heard it, it wasn't loud, muffled in a way but still I heard it. The quieted grunts of a person, being kicked? Punched? Someone was being beaten up that's all I knew. I got up quickly from the swing and walked at a fast pace towards the sounds. Would I be too late?

What was I doing? Saving someone, yes, but how if possible; was I going to save this person? What if there were more than two of 'em? Would I be able to take them all? Would they kill me?

I didn't care at this time, I was fast on my feet and quicker in hand. No puns. I would be able to at least distract them while the guy on the ground, if on the ground, got some rest. I'd trick them and get attention from someone who could help.

I walked at a faster pace, straining to listen to the grunts more. Hoping I wasn't too late. The muffled sounds got louder as I neared the area. I slowed down and became quieter than I had been, watching carefully from behind a bush.

A blood was on the ground, being kicked by two Crypts that didn't seem much bigger than him. They had to be no older than nineteen, if that. They kept taking kicks before they finally stopped, laughing at him. The slightly taller one had corn-rows in his hair, his bandana was folded and worn on his forehead, tattoos displayed across his arms; shown by the white 'wife beater' he wore.

I bit my lip while watching him, he leaned down and yanked the Blood up, staring him in the face. This blood was different, he was white with black hair, he was noticeably skinnier than the two but not unhealthy. He wore tighter pants, a short sleeved shirt and seemed to growl as he was lifted by his hair.

Staring up at the guy, he was on his knees, I only knew shit could go down hill from here as he held him in place. He asked him a question, it was a simple question all-in-all but one that he would refuse to answer.

"Going to give up now?" The Crypt asked, the Blood grinned, spit up into the mans face and said two easy words.

"Hell no" That's when I jumped the one standing behind him, my knee coming clean to his back, he fell down to the ground and groaned. His friend turned around and as he did, my fist collided with his face.

He dropped the kid and held his face, only seconds later he re-cooperated and tried to punch me, I moved to the side and caught his fist.

"Gonna have to be faster than that" I said with a grin, he watched me with a shocked expression as my fist and another went at him. I backed up to notice another Blood standing just in front of the black-haired fella'.

The Crypts, knowing they were being out numbered quickly withdrew and ran away. I chuckled watching them before my expression returned to normal and I watched the man now in front of me.

He analyzed me, his eyes narrowing slightly before he noticeably relaxed.

"You saved him" The man stated, I glanced at the guy just getting off the ground. Later, I would find out who he was.

"It's nothing..." I said, wanting to add more but didn't know what more I could add. If anything.

"More than you think... I saw you, you didn't think twice nor turn away... you saved his ass" The guy crossed his arms across his chest.

"He didn't save me, I wouldn't have died" The guy spit onto the ground while climbing to his feet.

"He stopped your ass from getting repeatedly beaten" The guy said over his shoulder, he had darkened-brown skin, a scar across his cheek with light brown eyes, I watched him, his red bandana wasn't hidden by any hat.

"Ever thought about joining the Bloods?" The man asked, I tilted my head slightly, watching the guy behind him wince as he rubbed his side.

"Well..." I started but didn't finish, he seemed to wait for more but when he knew nothing else came, he spoke.

"My names Karter... With a K... anyways, this behind me is Zac. Since you saved his sorry ass, he'll be the one to show you around our area unless you're familiar with it. We have a place we meet up of course. I'd feel half-retarded if I say a 'hang out'. Anyways, I'll get you in don't worry. I'll bring it up and say you clean out saved a Blood. No doubt you'll get in with ease" Karter explained, I nodded before crossing my arms, grinning slightly at Zac's expression.

"Oh come on! Why me? He didn't save my ass and it's not sorry" He turned, showing us his ass.

"Well maybe something would have entered it if I didn't save it but I'm not going to be the thing entering it... sorry" I said jokingly, Karter laughed, he had a deep laugh.

Zac's face fell and he grunted.

"Everything is against me!" He threw his hands in the air.

"Don't be so dramatic, there, bitch" Karter said with a half-smile.

"So what'cha think. Wanna join?" Karter asked, I looked up at him, he was at least four inches taller.

"Sure, why not?" I asked, he nodded, turning around towards Zac who had crossed his arms.

"Get him used to how things go... don't be such a sourpuss either, whether or not you would have died, he did save you from them" Karter stated the obvious, something that Zac hadn't seemed to take into note. He nodded.

Karter ruffled his hair before walking away, leaving Zac and I alone.

"Formally, I'm Zac Lanten" Zac introduced himself.

"I'm Jason Candon" I said, taking in how he looked. He had a scar on his left cheek, green eyes, and black hair that fell just above his eyes.

"I need a hair cut" He said, noticing me analyzing him.

I nodded, not saying a word.

"Anyways, thanks I guess... I'm not used to someone seeing me getting my ass handed to me. I wouldn't have been so easy to put to the ground if his little butt-buddy didn't suddenly come out from no where and kick me in the back" Zac explained, I nodded. They were dirty fighters; Why didn't that surprise me?

"Karter saw the fight... why didn't he do anything before?" I asked, Zac's face lifted slightly as he looked at me.

"Karter didn't see it any earlier than you did. He has saved me before and he isn't used to someone else doing it. He would'a reacted a lot like you had but he would'a talked. Stopping them in their tracks and walking out acting cool. He has a way with people" Zac explained, I nodded. Karter acted much like an older brother to him.

"So he gets you out of tight situations?" I asked, trying to understand more.

"He watches out for me. I'm the youngest member so far that the gang has ever taken in... so he just makes sure I don't get killed. He's the only one I have left in this world" Zac stopped there, I knew it shouldn't be pressed so I didn't go any further.

"How old are you?" I asked, he looked around my age, maybe a year older. Then again, the abuse could'a shaped him.

"I'm turning eighteen soon" Zac said, watching me.

"How old are you?" He asked.

"I'm seventeen, in a month or so I'll be eighteen too" I said, Zac smiled.

"Finally, a runt like me" He chuckled and I did the same. I noticed his shoulders fall slightly as he stood, with a relaxed expression he stared in towards the town.

"So where you live? Don't live in the Crypts area and just happen to find little 'ol me getting my ass kicked and decide to try and play hero only to find that you'll be screwed, right?" Zac asked while glancing at me.

"No, I live right in the middle of the Bloods, down the street from Kyle Smith." I said, looking at him to see if any sign of recognition hit his face, it'd be sad if there was none.

"Ooh, big ol' Kyle. He's a good guy all-in-all, wise too, ya know?" He spoke, just saying in general, I nodded.

"Only met him for a moment, sounded as if he just wanted someone to talk to" I said, looking back it did seem like he just wanted to get something off of his chest, wasn't sure what though.

"Yeah, he's been through hell and back, that kid but he's hanging in there. He's strong." Zac explained, I nodded.

"It'll happen, being in a gang and all. I don't know how much there is to being in one but one thing I do know is that one gang will do anything to the other just to get revenge, even on the dumbest of things" Zac seemed to nod and smile as I spoke, he shifted his weight from one foot to the other.

"Basically, as you were saying, just watch your back and the others. Being in a gang tends to make you paranoid. You don't ever know when something is going to be shot up or broken into. It makes ya nervous, just last week little Justin had a breakdown. He hated it so much, cried so hard. Can't blame him really... he just... had gone through more than a good chunk of us had. Three different set of parents and then finally gave up in trying to find parents. We took him in after that and since then, we've played as his family." Zac explained, he paused every now and then to check if I was still listening. I noticed he liked talking, if not that, just liked having someone listen to him.

In gangs, I knew people didn't talk much but I also knew that people in them did listen but sometimes didn't care.

I didn't mind really, I liked knowing what I was getting into. I wasn't yet in the gang and so I wanted to see what kinds of people were in there. So far, they seemed like the kind that were worth trusting and understanding. Yes, in a gang you had to have each others backs but that didn't ever mean they had to like doing it. Sometimes, they didn't and would watch from corners as you were 'taught a lesson' and I didn't want that to happen. At times, nobody came out alive from them.

I wanted to live, I was still very young and yes, a gang would make my mom worry but she didn't need to know. I could take the bandana off before I walked in the door or when she was away some where and hide it in a drawer. If she happened to see, well, she wouldn't think about a gang. I tended to wear bandanas. What was the harm, at least in her eyes, that was the question.

I looked up at him as he opened his mouth to talk, nothing came out. I knew he was trying to collect his thoughts. So I spoke up.

"Rough life, being in a gang?" I asked, Zac took a deep breath and held it for a moment. As he slowly let it out he answered, choosing his words carefully.

"Well... yeah, I mean... you're going against other people. Sick, masochistic, psychopaths. Both gangs are, you'll have some that are and some that are just in it because of different circumstances. Some get dragged in and are doomed from the beginning. Like me. That's a different story that I might tell you some time later. Anyways, the Bloods and the Crypts are enemies as everyone knows. Some, as you saw, are dirty fighters, don't care what they're up against they just wanna win. There's no losing for them. There isn't really a 'losing' option for anyone but I mean, if I was in a fight I wouldn't wanna kill them unless they made me have to but some in the gangs, want to see blood and won't stop unless they see it." Zac explained before going on.

"A lot of times innocent people are dragged into it and don't come out alive, it's a shame really. We all got bad reputations for it, the gangs included. Because of sick people, the gangs got labeled and many people don't look at it as serious. Which I can't blame them, drugs, guns, death, suicide, rape, and other terrible things come out of it but not all the time. That's one side, the good side is you get someone to watch your back no matter what, you make friends no matter what with everyone, even if you don't want to you have no choice." Zac looked at the ground as he finished up, losing his track of thought. I'd later learn that he had a mild case of A.D.D.

I shifted my weight before cracking my neck.

"How'd you meet Kyle?" Zac asked, he watched me, the sun blazing bright overhead.

"I was sitting out front of a store, trying to relax, he started talking and we got into a conversation before he got up and walked away" I stated, he nodded slowly.

"That sounds like Kyle, he'll be in the middle of something but once he knows there's nothing else to talk about he won't stick around and try to make things awkward. Another thing good about him." Zac said.

I took a deep breath, much like Zac had done himself before watching him pull a can of dip out of his pocket.

"Want some?" He asked as he started smacking it, sadly, I'd later learn all about chew, too.

"I haven't ever chewed before" I said honestly, bringing my hand up to rub the back of my neck slowly.

"Oh it's not so bad, I got into it about three months ago. Karter doesn't do it and he doesn't like it but he allows me too. When I'm around him though I'm not allowed to. Silly, no? But anyways, you take a bit and put it behind your lip, you can also put it into your mouth and push it there with your tongue. Either way works. Spit whenever you need to" Zac instructed me as I followed the steps, it tasted kind of funny at first but as it stayed in, I started to like it.

We started to walk around town, talking about people he knew and what happened at the places he knew about.

As the day lagged on, I'd slowly learned small pieces about a lot of people, I had learned a lot of peoples names as well. I didn't think I'd ever meet them but if I did; I would be prepared.

He told me which Crypts to especially stay away from, which to watch out for just in case, and which ones weren't so bad to run into. He told me which Crypts came to the town more often than not and the names of the leaders. He spoke about which Crypts had certain problems with which Bloods. A lot less than I thought about but then again, I didn't expect Zac to know so much.

"How did you learn all this?" I asked, his memory was amazing and he was a bouncy type of fella'.

"You learn after so long, I've been in the Bloods for a helluva long time, myself." Zac said. He led me to his house, invited me in.

"I can trust you wont wanna do anything to me or my mother in our sleep, right?" Zac asked teasingly, I chuckled while looking up at him from the bottom of the stairs.

"Oh I dunno, I can't resist butts ya know" I said as jokingly as he did, he laughed and led me into his house. I knew I wouldn't have to worry much about my mom, she knew I could handle myself.

His house wasn't large, a little smaller than mine with blue colored walls, pictures hung along the hallway. Him and another boy were in a lot of them, big smiles as they grew up.

I wondered to myself who this boy was, the one with Zac but I dared not answer. If he was anyone important but not around anymore, I'd feel guilty about asking. It was none of my business what the answer would be, yes it could be simple 'Oh he's at someone's house, you'll meet him later' or it could be a harmful answer, one that brought back memories. 'Horrible, just horrible... he was killed'.

I followed behind him down a hallway, green and silver traced pictures lined the wall, the paper was an elegant blue. I knew then that his mother designed the house, his father, if any had no control. As we neared the living room I could see sets of matching furniture. Each black with a lace towards the bottom.

A loveseat sat in the far right, a double couch a space away from it with a glass, clear coffee table sat in front of it. A wide screen hung on the wall with a D.V.D player built in.

We stood in the entrance to the room, he made a face and rubbed his left arm, a hesitant laugh 'heh-heh'. I stood there, gawking at what stood before me.

"I know... least you'd expect from someone in this area, huh? I always forget about it when I bring someone in, always hope they just accept me for me and not that I have a rich background. It doesn't change who I am or how I look at anyone... You know?" Zac explained, I half liked that he explained everything and I let him finish.

"Yeah... I hear ya... just don't expect this and a butler waiting with a silver platter at my place" I chuckled while glancing at him. He laughed.

"Definitely not bro, definitely not" He smiled and shifted on his feet. He took his shoes off and placed them near the door, I followed suit. He lead me back into the living room where we both sat on the couch next to each other, we glanced up at the t.v. as he grabbed the remote.

"Xbox or just watch something?" He asked, I gave him an expectant glance. The one stating 'Did you really have to ask that'.

"Alright, alright" He got up and grabbed the controller.

As we played, his mother walked in, she was a kind woman with a gorgeous smile. I feel weird for saying such words but in all honesty, there was nothing that could describe it. Her mouth didn't just go up as if she were just greeting you. Her cheeks turned up and her lips parted to show her teeth. Her eyes lit up as she saw me, I glanced up at her not sure what to do.

I think she was glad to see that Zac had a friend over that wasn't black, not being racial of course, but the only ones I had seen all down the streets were of darkened skin. I loved the people I met so far, they were protective in a way with respect for people who didn't wanna harm them; and I wasn't of any threat.

His mother brought a drink for each of us with a sandwich with. He didn't touch his so I was reluctant to myself but damn did that smell good, it taunted me as if it did want to be eaten. Calling out my name in silent whispers. Okay, that's a bit over the top but it smelled great.

I couldn't hold out anymore so I reached down and took it, he didn't seem to care; why would he? I don't know if I was just used to my mother's old fashioned cooking or that this woman really was a chef but I savored every bite.

We played ten more rounds, followed by another and then another. Each of us just trying to prove to that other that we were better. It was all out of fun and games, neither of us had gotten harsh toward each other. I loved it.

He seemed to as well, laughing every time I got him unexpectedly. I shifted in the seat as I glanced around the room.

"Hey, you got a clock?" I asked, not wanting to take out my cell phone.

"Yeah" He said before pressing a button on the VCR player that sat beneath the television.

"Holy shit" He said simply, I glanced at him.

"What?" I asked, looking over at him.

"It's ten P.M." Zac said shocked, I laughed and placed the controller onto the coffee table gently.

"Wow, so yeah" I said, not sure what to say, I grabbed the soda off of the table and took a sip.

"I'm staying the night" I said matter-of-factly between drinks, all he did was chuckle.

"Better not sleep in the nude" He eyed me, I laughed and choked on the liquid.

"Haha, no not quite. Though I do like to cuddle" I said in a joking manner, he seemed to love that one for once he started laughing he couldn't stop.

"I'm just kidding, man" I said with a smile, he nodded as he laughed. It's all he could do, his eyes started watering. I started to laugh too.

His mom walked in after a few minutes, watching us, unsure what to make of it. I would learn later that this was my second home. He had met me the morning of that day but by the end, it was like we've known each other for forever. He trusted me and I wouldn't break that, I wouldn't play with it or waste it.

"What is going on out here?" She blinked and tilted her head slightly, Zac drew a breath and wiped his face, breathing slowly and deeply.

"That one hurt... Jason said he's gonna sleep over and I told him not to sleep in the nude and he said he liked to cuddle though" Zac explained, his mother just watched us.

"Well... if your rear hurts in the morning, don't be asking questions" She said jokingly, he started laughing harder. I loved his mom.

As time passed he eventually calmed down again, laying on one end of the couch as I leaned against the arm, laying on the back with my leg hanging off and the other bent. We were thirty minutes into the movie 'Saw 1'; watching them in order. No, they weren't scary but they hadn't been all that bad. I learned he liked to rag on movies and wonder what would happen if he were in that situation.

He talked during movies but not for any long periods of time unless I responded, if I was lost in a moment in the movie or just didn't want to answer, he would understand and just continue watching. Part way into the third movie, Zac was passed out in his spot, I was still awake but fading in and out.

The movie played on in a low volume, the remote laid on the table, far from my reach. I wouldn't have any reason to have the remote, I wouldn't turn if off. I liked listening to things as I passed out. The last thing I remember before finally falling asleep, is his mother throwing a thin, blue, soft blankets over each of us.

I felt a nudge at my side, at first I felt like I imagined it so I rolled a bit but had little to no room to move to.

"Hey, get up!" Zac said, nudging me again. I looked up at him.

"Oh honey, come back to bed" I said in a false-serious tone, he raised an eyebrow at me.

"Only later, sweetie" He matched my tone, followed by a small laugh. I got up and stretched, bacon wafted through the air. My mouth watered as I smelled it, I wanted some.

"Mom's making breakfast" He seemed to read my tone as I stared out towards the doorway, the kitchen was no where to be seen.

"Come on, I'll show you" Zac said, motioning for me to follow him. Once I got up I followed him out into the hallway and to the left, we walked for maybe two minutes before we turned right into a brightly colored room. There was a sliding glass door that led out onto a deck on the far wall. The morning sun was lighting the place up so no lights were necessary. I took it all in, the floor was a simple light blue tile, the walls a shade darker than that. There was what seemed like a wall that separated us from where she was cooking. A dark colored marble made up the counters and the top to this 'wall'. Stools lined it.

I blinked a bit, taking a seat next to Zac and hiding my surprise. It was gorgeous.

The kitchen where she cooked had eggs, bacon, and sausage just on top. The toaster was popped down, freshly brewed coffee sat in the pot; waiting for someone to come along. I glanced about, cabinets were high up on the wall, just in reaching point. They were a soft brown mahogany, lining completely down. A microwave sat just beneath them, in its own little shelf. It was black.

Zac watched me as I glanced around, seeming to expect me to look. The fridge sat behind us, having its own place into the wall as well. Double door with an ice dispenser on the freezer side door, magnets with pictures attached hung. It was a silver fridge, with a black handle and trimmings along the side and the lip.

If I had to guess, I would say his family bought the plot when the old house was condemned, designed it from the basement to the attic. They chose the wallpapers, the small designs that would compliment them, they chose the floors, the carpet, the tile. They chose to build the deck and put in a sliding door.

When Sam got pregnant, she had him build the house, there was nothing but the concrete slab that sat between a house and a large field. On the other end of town from where her sister lived. She didn't want bordering neighbors where she'd have no privacy; look up and there you'd see what your neighbor was doing. Behind her house a bit was a large lake with a dock, a gorgeous look from where her mind placed the deck. Private for her use and her newly growing family. She stood there, rubbing her stomach, as she watched her husband and his crew; breaking his back while laying the walls. She smiled every time she visited the work site. She wasn't a high maintenance woman by any means; she just wanted the best for her child(ren). She had grown up under a poor roof, her mother gave them all she could but could only get so much. Yes, she had food on the table, clothes on her back, she had a bed to rest upon, and warm showers. She had a roof over her head, and a loving home. It just wasn't always that way. Her father argued with her mother a lot when the bills seemed to come in faster than his checks would. He wouldn't hit her in front of the kids but no doubt did he hit her. She would find her mother crying on the front step of their home, trying to hide the tears but whenever Sammy came around; her mother would bawl her eyes out. Sammy just had a soft touch. She still did to this day. When she had Zac in late February, she gently stroked his cheek as tears flooded down her face. Her husband was by her side through it all where he always remained. She rocked him from side to side slowly as he looked up at her with bright blue eyes; they'd later change. They welcomed the baby home later that day, relaxing out on the deck as the sun set, she rocked him as he cooed and curled into her chest. After only two weeks of having him home she got the terrible news from a chief of the firefighters. He knocked at her door late in the evening and with the baby in her arms, she answered the door.

"Oh, hello Mit" She said with a smile, he nodded as he took off his hat, rolling the tongue. Searching for his words, she seemed to notice his tension.

"What's wrong?" Sam asked before he looked up at her. He knew she liked things blunt and honest but he hadn't ever had to deliver the news like this.

"It's Nate... he was at a site that was burning down fast, he ran inside to save somebody. Well... there were reasons the building was on fire and before he could escape three gunshots went off. Somebody didn't want the person who lived in the house to be saved. We tried everything we could. He had a gunshot to the chest and the neck. The two who shot him are in jail for life. It doesn't bring you justice and I'm sorry" He choked out, she started crying before he hugged her, Zac fused but didn't mutter a sound.

Picking at his eggs, he had already devoured the sausage and bacon. Zac didn't enjoy eggs much but meat was his hero. Opposite of him, I couldn't get enough of the eggs with cheese while picking at the sausage.

"Trade?" Zac asked after realizing, I glanced at his plate then nodded as we swapped. Sam glanced over and laughed. She was at the table sipping coffee with the newspaper folded in front of her.

Zac watched her before he glanced down. I looked over at him.

"You okay?" Jason asked silently, Zac motioned for him to follow him out of the room. They placed their plates in the dishwasher before heading upstairs.

"I just feel sorry for my mom" Zac said as they were climbing up.

"Why? She seems really happy" I noted. Zac took a deep breath and stopped once we got to the top.

"Ever wonder why my dad didn't come home last night?" Zac asked, a twinge of sadness lingered in the stare.

"I just figured he was a cop or something" I said with false hope, he shook his head.

"He was a firefighter for years, since he was a teenager. He always did volunteer work and after he graduated, he became a paid firefighter. So he could bring home money for my mother. He was also part carpenter but that has nothing to do with anything. Anyways... my mom always speaks so highly of him. Says he was the best man she had ever met. She told me what happened when I was turning seventeen. I begged her to tell me. Just so I could know. I don't regret asking her, he was a hero and I'll hate the crypts forever for what they did to him. He was working one day and went inside a burning building, they said it was due to arson, well there was a man inside trapped. He was doing his job and saving the life, more than just his job but they weren't alone. As the chief had said that day, there was a reason that fire was there. There were at least two crypts there, they shot him twice. Once in the neck... and once in the chest... she told me he died with my picture clutched tight in his hand" Zac glanced down, recalling every little bit that his mother told him.

"Zac... we'll get even one day" I said watching him, he smiled up at me. Glad I didn't say 'I'm sorry'.

We left the house shortly after changing, I was wearing a pair of his skinny jeans and a random shirt of his. We were walking along at random, discussing different things from our past when I changed our course.

I had an idea and it would put to rest, some things I knew were still bothering him. As we walked, he watched me or the ground. Not once looking up, as we neared our destination, an old but soft voice called out.

"Well, hello there. What can I do for you two?" The old man asked, walking out, he seemed to freeze as Zac looked up at him, it was only when he flicked his hair that the old man seemed to recognize him.

"Nate's boy..." Mitch's expression softened, Zac's eyes widened as he realized where we were.

"What... how?" Zac asked, glancing from me to the old firefighter. Mitch placed his hand on his shoulder.

"You've gotten big...very" He said softly, Zac looked from the old man to me and back repeatedly.

"You knew him?" Zac asked, his voice was barely a whisper. I knew it was soon, too soon to have taken him here but I knew more than anything he would want answers. After a quick though, Mitch nodded.

"He was one of my best men, this was his second home" Mitch said warmly, thinking back to the times when Nate was around.

"I look like him?" Zac asked, Mitch nodded then searched his face.

"You mean, she hasn't shown you what your father looks like?" Mitch asked as Zac shifted his feet and rubbed the back of his neck.

"She's shown me... she's shown me a lot of photos of my missing family members... I just couldn't picture what he'd look like doing family things" Zac admitted, I stayed silent, folding my arms against my chest.

"I know, I'm sorry you were just a baby when he was taken from us but he loved you." Mitch confided. Zac cleared his throat before looking up at me and smiled slightly.

"I love him too, do you... have anything that used to be his?" Zac asked hesitantly, Mitch took a moment to think it through.

"Well... now that you ask, I think there is something. I sent most of his belongings home to your mother but there was one thing I couldn't give up. It was something I gave him. I think he'd want you to have it" Mitch motioned for us to follow him into the building and so we did. He led us to a small room in the back, passed the small kitchen and dining table they ate at. In the room was a desk, a computer sat upon it with a printer behind. He walked to the desk and unlocked a drawer, shifting through the contents he stopped for a moment, a soft smiling crossing his features before he withdrew a small black box.

Holding the box out to Zac with a smile, he said words that I even remember to this day. I'm not sure if I remember them because they meant a lot to my best friend or because he was like my brother and his father would've been one to me, if he still had been around but I remember nonetheless.

"I'm proud of you" Mitch said, patting his shoulder before he left us alone in the office. Zac opened the box to reveal the small, coal necklace, his shoulders slouched.

"I..." Zac began but he couldn't seem to find the words, I tried to search his face to see what he was thinking, I glanced in the box but couldn't see what had him so tongue-tied.

"What is it?" I asked but all he did was shake his head; closing the box.

"It's nothing" Zac said half with rage, half with hurt. We left the place within seconds of him placing the box back onto the table, whatever the necklace represented; he had wanted nothing to do with it at all.

We walked in silence for a few moments before somebody behind him cleared their throat, we turned only half-way to see Karter.

"Should be watching your back, I could've killed you within seconds if I wanted to, you know?" Karter asked rhetorically.

"Yeah, yeah... what's up Karter?" Zac asked as he turned to face him, I walked a little closer to Zac.

"You start initiation, tomorrow" Karter said before searching my face, trying to sense a hint of nervousness or any other emotion relating. I showed none.

"Good" I said, I nodded at Zac before turning and walking away.

I saw the shock in his face, he was torn between wanting to follow me and wanting to stay with Karter. He chose the latter. I walked for a long time, soon coming to the boulevard where shadows accompanied me, I felt at peace with the world. Tragically, it wouldn't last long at all. No longer than five minutes of being near the trees, I heard a high-pitch scream, I didn't know where it was coming from or whether I had even really heard it or my mind played tricks on me. Choosing to go with my gut instincts, I followed the sound deep into the forest. Through the darkness I wondered what was happening but with a few more steps, all questions were answered. A girl was laying on the ground, her arms bound while her clothes were torn, a rape in progress. He hadn't gotten far because her pants were still in tact, he seemed to just have wreaked havoc onto her torso. No doubt she was in pain.

One deep gash ran across her cheek, one down from her shoulder following her collarbone, and a lesser deep one going across her naval. I stayed hidden in the darkness like a creature waiting for their meal to take a drink at the water. I watched him carefully, waiting for a weak point where I could go out and save the girl. I saw the sickening grin as he placed a knife on a sensitive area of hers, she squirmed and cried, begging him not to hurt her. Too late. He placed the knife at the top of her pants and started to tormentingly cut downwards, her dark blue jeans were slowly ruined. This guy was a sickening creature who deserved nothing but to rot in jail and who better than myself to put him there? I couldn't see a bandana but no doubt this was a crypt or some low-life scum who wanted a quickie. He wasn't going to get that far if I had a say in it.

Wishing I had a knife, I searched the ground for a large enough rock to bash his head in with. My luck came up short as the only big one was a little larger than my fist but it would have to do. I was running out of time to save the girl and soon, she'd be ruined. I had to move fast.

I crept out of the darkness as I walked up behind him slowly, bringing my arm back as far as I could, I brought it down faster than I thought I was capable of; crashing clean into the back of his head. I heard the girl shriek and cry out loudly as he fell down on top of her; groaning loudly. Within seconds he got up and looked at me, laughing like a deranged person once he saw my size.

"You're a punkass, bitch, I recommend you leavin'!" He spat out at me, I chuckled in his face.

"I'm not going anywhere until you give me the girl" I said with no fear to push him on, I knew he wanted it for he searched my face but all he would find was confidence.

"Yeah, once I'm done with her, mr. Hero" He went to turn away from me, wrong move. I swiftly brought my leg up and kicked him dead in the nuts. I hadn't ever and swore I wouldn't ever kick somebody there because I knew how bad it hurt to be kicked there but sometimes, you have to.

He doubled over in pain as he clutched himself with one hand, the knife in the other. I brought my knee up and crashed into his nose, he fell completely to the ground. I snatched the knife up from him before holding it to his throat with my foot on his chest.

"Now, if you don't want me to completely kill you then I recommend you leaving. Got it?" I asked, he nodded but I wouldn't let him off that fast. I kicked him hard enough in the head to knock him out.

Content with what I had done with the big fella', I walked over to the girl, she didn't seem to think she was safe yet so when I touched her she screamed.

"Shh" I said soothingly, tears and blood stung her eyes, I could tell she was in a lot of pain. I sat her up as I cut the ties around her arms. She rubbed her wrists and sniffled a bit.

I took my shirt off as she sat there waiting for me to do something, I knew she couldn't be left alone in this condition and the state of shock she had to be in. I used my shirt to clean her eyes so that she could see before I draped it to cover her front side. After having brought her to the Sheriff's department, I headed home. Once there, I dropped down onto the couch. The day was early, earlier than I thought it was and that caused a sadness in me.

Okay, not really, it was fine... left plenty of opportunity for me to do something but what would I do? I could go and try to find Zac but with my attention to him lately, I didn't want to give Karter a reason to hate me so soon. So, I opted to stay indoors for the second day in a row. Laying on the couch, I just watched television on our small, puffed out set.

Nothing good was on, like usual, we didn't get many channels to choose from but the ones we had weren't too bad. Twenty minutes into a horribly boring show, I was half-asleep as a knock was heard on the door. My mom went and answered it, as she said 'Hello' I could hear the unsure tone, the dreariness as she watched whoever it was in front of her.

"Mom?" I called out, she responded fast.

"They're for you?" She asked, unsure of whether or not they wanted good or bad with me and whether she wanted these kinds of boys coming to our house looking for me.

I got up swiftly, walking towards the door before peaking around the corner, smiling as soon as Karter's face met mine.

"Hey" I said, they nodded at me.

"What're you doin' here?" I asked, Zac shifted and that's when I saw someone standing behind them. I didn't know this kid, he was shorter than me and skinnier by far, he had black hair that was done in cornrows, a red wrist band on with a red bandana, he had on a black right 'wife-beater', and fitting jeans.

"We're yanking your lazy ass out of home to come hang out with us. We're not sure what we're doing but you aren't gonna turn fat on us" Karter explained before nodding towards my mom and turning away.

"Be back ma" I said before running after him, walking next to Zac as he introduced Smith to me. They called him by his last name; he hated his first.

I hadn't seen my mom's face as I walked away but knowing her, her expression was one of lost and wishful thinking, she'd hope I wasn't getting into any trouble, and praying I wouldn't become a part of them. I found out later, God wasn't on her side with that part.

"Any plans at all as to what we're doing?" I asked, Karter nodded before pulling a Skoal can out from his pocket.

"We're gonna get drunk tonight" He said simply, I nodded once then looked at Zac, all he did was shrug.

"It's fun... ever had a bottle of anything?" Zac asked, I shook my head no.

"Half?" He asked, again I shook my head no.

"A sip?" Karter intervened, once again I shook my head no.

"Since my mom and dead separated, I haven't seen my dad and I heard he's the drinker. My mom wasn't ever too fond of alcohol so she didn't keep it around. Feared I'd get into it as a baby and so she didn't wanna lose me. She was... paranoid" I explained, shrugging, Karter nodded.

"Sounds fair... well, you'll have your shot at all you can take in. If you don't have anything in your cup, you better refill it and no matter what you do, try not to puke. We'll take it easier on you though, if you throw up it'll be okay. This time only though because you're a newby" Zac said with a smile, chuckling. Smith watched me from the corner of his eye.

"Ever drink?" I asked Smith after a moment, he nodded.

"We all have at some point, now" Smith stated, we walked in silence for a small amount of time.

"So, what have you done?" Karter asked, emphasizing have, I knew he thought I was a momma's boy. In reality, I just hadn't ever had the opportunity to do anything.

"Well... nothing really, tried a cigarette once and my mom nearly had my ass for that one. I was maybe ten so I was scared away from it. I just hadn't ever had the offer to try anything so I didn't" I stated, shrugging. They nodded.

Zac held out his chew can towards me, eying me, he expected me to take it. I watched him, taking it, I was unsure of how to do it. I hadn't ever seen anyone chew before. I've just seen them spit.

Zac chuckled slightly as we walked.

"Don't know what you're doing with it, do you?" Zac asked, I shook my head no once again that day.

"You just take some and put it between your gums and your lip, whatever you do, do not swallow the shit. You'll throw up. It's not pleasant" Zac instructed, he taught me how to chew. After that, with only two mistakes, I had it down packed. I know what you're thinking... how could I make a mistake? But regardless of how easy it is to learn, I did. I swallowed it once and after that, I didn't make that mistake ever again; even to this day. It's disgusting and I did in fact, throw up. All over.

After that, it stuck with me, like my skinny jeans and piercings. I didn't give it up for anything nor did I even try to. It was easily addicting for me. Amazing.

With the sun low in the sky, I watched the fire as I wondered how I had gotten into this life. Though, I had only one beer and two dips of chew, I still wondered how I went from your every day regular boy to a gang boy. I didn't complain, no I wouldn't dare utter a word but it still struck me.

"So, pretty boy, you getting drunk tonight or do you have to be home by curfew?" Karter asked, I knew he was only teasing me but it kinda reminded me of how much I had missed over the years.

"I'm getting drunk, don't you worry" I said, leaning back, he smiled.

"Good" Karter said, taking a long pull from his already third beer. It was an acquired taste, beer was and to this day I wouldn't drink that stuff. I liked only the stronger of the liquors that were around. Beer definitely wasn't one of them.

"Initiation tomorrow... you'll wanna be so drunk tonight that it follows into tomorrow... trust me kid, that shit is brutal" Smith spoke up suddenly, Karter glanced at him, he wanted to swear at him but he knew Smith was only warning me; not telling me what was going to happen.

"Will do or at least will try" I said, unsure of what was going to happen to me, I didn't suspect a thing.

"Well, it's nothing like what you've seen on television" Zac said, looking as if he zoned out, he was probably remembering his initiation.

"Well... then I'll have to just take it like a man, now won't I?" I asked, Karter suddenly laughed.

"I wish you luck" Karter said as things quieted back down, we all drank in the peaceful silence. That night, I drank more than any of them, and woke the next morning still intoxicated. Someone shook me and I groaned, I couldn't get up, I couldn't think, the light just hurt. I wasn't hungover, no, but I was tired.

"Come on, get up!" Zac whined, I looked up at him then tried to get up.

"Why?" I asked, I sat on my knees as I rubbed my face.

"Dude, are you still drunk? You know Smith was only kidding, right?" Zac asked, baffled.

"I drank so much las' night..." I said, in a daze.

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Tag der Veröffentlichung: 13.06.2011

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