Chapter One Her Voice In My Head

Nicolas wasn’t sure where he had ended up or why. He looked around the crowded city sidewalk and tried to listen for some sign or clue as to what had brought him here. He should be getting used to this by now, jumping from place to place at unexpected times, but it never got any easier. He sometimes wished he had not volunteered to be the test subject for this experiment. He was the only one without family or any ties so it made sense for him to be the one, he was expendable who would miss him if he never returned? He knew Zach would wonder what had happened to him but really Zach would be fine.

Nick glanced at his surroundings and knew that something had gone terribly wrong this did not look like 1893. He had no idea what the date or time might be and all the planning and preparation had been in vain. He was suddenly caught off guard by an annoyingly high pitched bitchy voice.

“Please stand up straight and stop dragging your feet before you scuff your shoes.”

He looked around trying to find the face that went with the voice. Nick shook his head as a hundred voices invaded his head at once. He tried to focus on the tall blonde walking in front of him and willed the voices in his head to be silent. He really didn’t care who Jonas was sleeping with or what dress Marla would wear on her date tomorrow night.

“Remember big girls do not cry.”

“Yes Veronica.”

That’s when he heard the softest sweetest voice that had ever tickled his ears; the voice that he would never forget and spend countless hours trying to find. He followed the sound of their voices at a distance until they entered a building. He waited for a moment before casually walking into the unknown place and the overwhelming scent of flowers assaulted him. As he entered the room he was oblivious to everything around him, it all dimmed and seemed to fade into nothing as he searched the room for her. He wasn’t sure who she was or why he felt so drawn to her but for reasons unknown even to him, he had to find her. He scanned the room, where had she gone? Then he spotted her sitting in the corner in a high backed chair that seemed to make her look smaller than she was. It looked as if the chair was swallowing her as her world was closing in around her. Her eyes were screaming for help, as if they were saying ‘look at me, I’m right here.’ But no one seemed to notice the pretty little girl in the black velvet dress and patent leather shoes. She had soft brown hair with soft curls framing her heart shaped face. Her most stunning feature was her hazel eyes, they seemed brown until the light hit them and then the flicks of green flashed bold and beautiful.

Nick was drawn to her as if some force beyond his control was pulling him through the crowd to where this lost little girl sat alone and scared. She was in a sea of blurry faces that paid no attention to her at all. His feet seemed to have a mind of their own as he moved through the crowd until he was standing in front of her. She was staring at the floor beneath her feet as if she had no idea that anyone was near her. Nick sat down in the chair adjacent to her and waited. She tried to act as if he was of no importance to her but finally she raised her eyes to meet his questioning stare. He offered her a smile that she tried to return but it never reached her eyes. He tried to read her thoughts but it was as if her mind was a blank canvas.

“Hi there my name is Nick, are you okay?’

She looked at him and shook her head no. He ached for the pain that radiated from the deep pool of sorrow in her eyes that he now found himself drowning in. He wondered why such a lovely young girl would be so sad.

“Why are you talking to me?”

“Well you looked like you needed a friend and I thought I would apply for the job.”

She giggled nervously as she relaxed a little,” Well then your hired by the way I’m Hannah.”

Nick smiled it was a soft, gentle name and it seemed to suit her. He studied his surroundings and wondered exactly where they where and why no one had noticed Hannah. Her vulnerable voice brought his attention back to her, “So did you know my daddy?”

Nick continued looking around the room and saw several floral arrangements, plants and plaques. He then saw an exquisite ornate gold framed 22 x 34 inch picture of a man looking lovingly down at a little brown haired, hazel eyed girl dancing on his feet. It nearly took his breath away at the look in his eye as if this one little girl was the only reason he had for living as if she alone was the only thing of worth in his entire world.

“No I am sorry I didn’t but I wish I had.”

“He went away and I will never see him again, but Veronica says that it’s just part of life. I don’t like her very much but I think I like her more than she likes me.”

“And who is Veronica, a sister an Aunt?”

Hannah shook her head furiously no, “No she’s my mother but she makes me call her Veronica because she doesn’t want anyone to know how old she is.”

Nick found that disheartening. He looked around the room and saw so many people who had no concern at all for the lost little girl who was hurting over the loss of her daddy and not one of them seemed to notice or care. He realized that no one seemed the least bit upset about the passing of a man much too young to have died and it seemed more like a party than a wake.

“I’m sure she loves you.”

Hannah looked at him horrified by his words, “No she doesn’t, trust me. I have only two people who really love me one was my daddy and the other is my Aunt Ann she was my daddy’s sister. She is the greatest person I have ever known and I truly love her. She will be here soon, I hope.”

Nick sighed as he tried to make sense of it all. He watched as people walked from one group to the next laughing and smiling and occasionally dabbing at fake tears. So many people dressed to the nines and not a hair out of place and he realize they all exuded money, he could all but smell it. He cringed at this unreal world that Hannah was destined to be a part of. A world he had once known so well.

“Hannah I know that wherever your daddy is he is looking down on you and loving you still.”

She smiled at him and for a moment her whole face lit up, “Nick are you an angel?”

He shook his head no, “I am no angel but I am a good listener.”

“I think you are an angel that my daddy sent you to help me.”

He knew if Damien or Mason every found out about this He would be in huge trouble but he didn’t care. Nick knew that despite his best intentions he was about to cross the line, “Hannah I know that things are kind of messed up right now but one day everything will make sense. I promise that one day a long time from now I will explain who and what I am to you; for now I want you to know that I care about you and I will always be here for you.”

She climbed down out of her chair and stood in front of him, “Thank you Nick.” She then leaned over and kissed his cheek. Nick raised his hand to touch the spot where her lips had been.

“Hannah I have to go now but remember that whenever you need me I will be there even if you can’t see me I will be there.”

She nodded her head and watched him as he stood to go. He slowly walked out of the room and into the lobby. He saw the guest book and the memorial leaflets. He crossed the entryway and picked one up and read,

Memorial Service

Davis William Roberts
May 14, 1961-June 19 1993

Loving husband and father
Survived by his wife Veronica Roberts,
His eight year old daughter Hannah Nicole Roberts
And one sister Annis Joy Martin
He was preceded in death by his father Jackson William Roberts
His mother Anna Pearl Roberts.


Nick put the leaflet in his pocket and walked out of the dim oppressive room. As the sunlight hit his face he knew that for some reason it didn’t shine as bright as it once had. He looked at his watch and saw that he only had minutes left until he would be traveling home. He shoved his hands in his pockets and began to retrace his steps back to where he had been. As he rounded the corner suddenly he was spinning wildly out of control at extreme rates of speed. He closed his eyes and floated along as time speed up faster and faster until it finally began to slow down. He kept his eyes firmly closed until everything grew still. Slowly he opened his eyes to see Lucas unhooking his safety harness and lightly checking his reflexes, temperature, pulse, heart rate, oxygen levels and blood pressure.

He could feel Lucas patting his back as he helped him out of the chamber.

“Welcome back Nick so what was 1893 like?”

“All I can say is it wasn’t at all what I expected.”

Nick felt shaky on his feet as he walked to the de-tox center to be cleared. He knew he should tell the team of the mistake but he knew he had violated several security protocols and endangered the project by his actions. The number one rule do not talk to anyone and stay inconspicuous. He continued down the hall and kept his secret to himself. He knew he could talk to Zach about it later. He smiled as he thought of his friend; Zach was the only person he trusted implicitly.

Zachary Ryan was the closest person he had to family. He had met him when he was nine years old and his family had died in a car wreck Nick had been the only survivor. He had been placed in numerous foster homes but none of them had fit until he was sent to live with the Ryan family. Nick could still remember the day he walked in so full of hate and resentment he wanted to lash out at the first person he saw. He had not been prepared for the shy, quiet little boy with the coke bottle glasses, snotty nose and painfully shy smile. He just didn’t have the heart to be cruel to the kid. He had instantly felt protective of this boy. Nick smiled to himself as he remembered Zach trying to teach him how to play Nintendo 64 but Zach’s favorite game had been Mario Brothers and Nick had favored Mortal Kombat violence and blood was something he had been able to relate to back then. Nick found himself smiling at the memory as he walked into the de-tox center.

After several hours of debriefing he was finally cleared to leave the Pentagon and head home. He pulled out of the parking garage and inserted his security card at the gate. He exited the garage and pushed his foot as far down on the gas pedal as it would go. He loved the feel of the wind in his hair and the sound of Linkin Park blaring on the radio. He knew that a lot of people didn’t like the whiney melodramatic rock band but he loved the feel of the music and the reality of the lyrics. He felt they were talking just to him with every song they sang. He lowered the windows on his 57’ Mustang and belted the chorus at the top his lungs. He knew he needed to unwind and figure out what to do about Hannah but he was too tired to think clearly. He pulled into the apartment complex and made his way to the back of the grounds, where he parked his car on the curb in front of his condo. He raised the windows and locked the doors before going to check his mail. He knew that Zach would still be at work and he needed to take a long hot shower before he could think about what had happened today.

Nick unlocked the door to their apartment and tossed his keys, wallet and security badge on the table by the door. He loosened his tie and continued to let his clothes fall to the floor as he made his way to the shower. He closed the door behind him and put his I phone on the docking station and hit play on the I-pod before adjusting the water and stepping inside. He leaned his head on the wall as the water coursed down his back and did its job of loosening his muscles. He raised his face to the water and savored the feel of the water easing the tension from his overworked muscles. He could all but feel the day being rinsed away and flowing down the drain. He let his mind begin to wander.

Hannah Roberts, if she was eight in 1993 then she was a year younger than he was now. He began to do the math that meant that her dad died the same year as his family almost down to the same day. He found that odd but intriguing what were the odds?

He couldn’t get the image of her face out of his mind, those enchanting eyes that seemed to look right into his soul. He knew it was unethical but he needed to find her and see that things had gotten better for her. He knew Zach would be able to help him with the computer search on her when he arrived home. Zach was like a computer god if it was on the web then he could find it. He knew he needed to see what the story was with her father as well. He turned the water off as it began to grow cold. He climbed out of the shower and grabbed a towel. He finished up rather quickly and headed to his room. He rummaged through the closet and found an old worn pair of grey sweats and a sweatshirt. He pulled them on as he wondered where Hannah might be and if she would even remember him, she had been devastated by her father’s death and it had been seventeen years what were the odds of her remembering him at all?


On the other side of town Hannah Roberts lay in her bed dreaming of a man with beautiful sandy brown hair, liquid blue eyes that made her feel as if she were looking at the sky on a clear perfect day and a smile so radiant she had to shade her eyes to look at him. She laughed and danced underneath a clear sky twinkling with stars shimmering off the waves lapping at her feet. She snuggled into her pillow as she dreamed of his strong embrace and the warmth of his hand as it grazed her skin. She moaned as she waited for his lips to touch hers and claim her as his own, she waited for it but all she got was the blaring of her alarm clock. She groaned as she hit the off button and pulled her legs out from under the covers.

She wondered what it would feel like to meet this man in her dreams to feel his embrace, to feel safe with him. She ached to find someone like him that would love her and make all her pain go away. She would give up everything for one day with someone like that someone who could chase away all her demons and make her forget why she was this way in the first place. She knew these mind games were not helping her but she felt so safe in her dream world if only it was real. She had no idea why these dreams plagued her but she knew it was real and not her imagination. She was starting to believe maybe she was falling in love with some dream man who didn’t even exist. She knew she was completely psycho falling for some dream man but this dream was so much better than any reality she had ever known. She shook her head no as she thought of it and she knew that Nick was too real, too alive in her mind to be just a dream. Wait did she just call him Nick? She hadn’t thought about him in over seventeen years. Nick had been her knight in shining armor for a shy, scared of the world, lost little girl. Nick had been her imaginary friend when she had needed to hide from the real world. When things gotten too hard he had been there to help her. She could still remember seeing him for the first time at her dad’s funeral. She knew it was the imagination of a heartbroken little girl because he only seemed to show up when something bad happened. She wondered why she had given her dream man the same name. She was afraid she really was going crazy.

She was a twenty-five year old woman who was still painfully shy and terrified of the world outside her bedroom window. She berated herself, ‘Why am I still clinging to this imaginary friend?’

As Hannah sat on her bed thinking about her life she realized she had set herself up to fail. All of her life she had compared everyone every man, every relationship to someone who only existed in her delusional mind. How could any real man meet her expectations? She had compared them all to a man of her own making and design, to be perfect in every way or to her dead father and of course no one would ever be able to compare to either one of them. She feared that she had done this to ensure that no one got too close so she wouldn’t have to admit how broken she really was. She knew she needed serious help. She reached for the phone and dialed a number she had swore she would never use again.

She began to tap her foot restlessly as the phone seemed to ring forever. She finally heard the machine pick up.

“Hey it’s Maddie, I’m not here, wait for the beep, you know what do.”

“Hey Mad, it’s me sorry I missed you call……… “

“Hannah, oh my is it really you?”

Hannah smiled as she heard her best friend gushing on the other end of the phone.

“Yeah Mad it’s me, so how are you?”

“Oh you know settling in the new apartment and getting my practice off the ground.”

Hannah sighed her practice was why she was calling. She took a deep breath and plunged into the deep dark waters of the truth, “Well that is sort of why I am calling. I know I swore I would never go to a shrink but Mad, I think I need help.”

Hannah could hear Madeline’s sharp intake of breath, “Are you saying you want to talk about the things going on in your life?”

“Mad, I need to talk about how drastically my life changed when my dad died. I think I am ready and I really need your help,”

“Oh honey I’ve always been here for you as your friend and I want to help you, just name the time and place.”

Hannah let out the breath she had unknowingly been holding. Madeline had been her best friend her whole life and she was grateful to have her here.

“Sounds good Mad, meet me at my place in a couple of hours?”

“You got it and Hannah I am so glad you called.”

Hannah laughed for the first time in ages, “Me too, see you soon.”

Hannah hung up the phone and wondered what Maddie would think of her after all these years. She could almost see her face when she heard how she was in love with a dream that had the same name as her imaginary friend from 1993.

Chapter Two Alot Like Love

CHAPTER TWO
A lot Like Love

Nick was fast asleep on the couch when Zach walked in the door. He tossed his keys on the table and threw his jacket on the back of the couch before he jumped over the back landing on Nick’s backside.

“Rise and shine sunshine,”

Zach playfully rubbed Nick’s hair while bouncing up and down. Nick’s eyes popped open and he shifted to the left leaving Zach on the floor.

“Gees Zach do you always have to be so loud?”

“Good morning grump.”

Nick looked at him as if he wanted to kill him. He sat up and rubbed his back.

“Morning Zach, how’s Beth?”

“She’s good. She sends her love, I told her you didn’t deserve it but she seems to have a thing for you.”

Nick laughed. He was really happy that Zach had found such a great girl and the fact that she loved him was proof that miracles still happened.

“Tell her she could still have me if she ever realizes what a loser you are.”

“Yeah, yeah sorry to disappoint you but that’s never going to happen.”

Zach positioned himself in front of the coffee table with his back resting on the couch. He began to fiddle with a stack of papers piled there.

“So how did the experiment go last night? I assume it worked or you wouldn’t be here right now, so how was the past?”

Nick looked at Zach and rubbed his head, “It worked fine except for one minor glitch.”

Zach was now reading the leaflet Nick had brought home last night.

“Jesus H would the glitch be that you went to the wrong time and place?”

Nick refused to meet Zach’s eyes as he shifted nervously on the couch. He knew he needed Zach’s help if he had any hope of finding Hannah but the look in his eyes was not one offering help.

“Look Zach I need your help. So please just listen before you start telling me how crazy I am okay?”

Zach nodded his head and relaxed against the couch waiting for Nick to begin his story.

“Everything seemed to be working just fine until I realized I was not in 1893. I was walking down a street and with the telepathic drugs they gave me I was being bombarded with all these voices. I began to walk trying to figure out where I was and why.”

“Ok please tell me you did not talk to anyone or make contact with anyone.” Zach knew the answer to his own question by the way Nick avoided making eye contact. “Gees Nick what’s wrong with you?”

“As I was saying I was minding my own business when I heard this nasally high pitched voice, it reminded me of finger nails on a chalk board, and then I heard a sweet angelic voice. I don’t know why but I found myself following the voices. I ended up at a wake for a man who had a lovely eight year old daughter.”

Zach had already read the leaflet and done the math.

“So this girl is the same age as me and she lost her dad the same time you lost your family? Please tell me you didn’t talk to her.”

“I couldn’t help it. She looked so lost and scared in that room full of people. I knew exactly how she felt and I couldn’t stand by and watch her hurt like that. I know it was wrong on so many different levels but it was as if I was pulled to her by some force beyond my control.”

“Oh Obi wan and here you sit safe and sound, but what about her? Just making contact with her could have changed everything from that point in her life.”

“Trust me I know that and I know how crazy I must sound. Will you please help me?”

“Ok so what exactly did you say to her?”

“Nothing really just that I knew her daddy loved her and that even if she couldn’t see me I would always be there.”

“Wow Nick you really made a mess of things this time. I guess you want me to run a search on her?”

Nick raised his eyes and gave Zach his sad eyed look, “Well since you brought it up that would be great.””

Zach was already turning on his lap top and waiting for it to load. Nick watched as his fingers flew and information began to pop faster than he could read.

“Well it seems your mystery girl is Hannah Nicole Roberts, she is 25 years old. She graduated with honors from Brown with a double major in Journalism and English literature and a minor in high school English. She is the only daughter of Davis William Roberts and Veronica Blakemore Roberts. She now owns the majority of stock in the family business a publishing company and a book story on Fillmore St. It seems that your girl spends most of her time at the book store.”

“Ok so what’s the name of the store?”

“Hannah’s Corner shelf, her father opened the store when she was born. He focused on children’s books and as she grew he expanded the line. When he died in 1993 his sister Ann took over and ran the store until she passed away at the age of 36 that was in 1999. It was then run by Hannah’s cousin Justin until Hannah took it over in 2004. It seems she is a brainchild and skipped several grades in school and graduated from Brown in 2004.”

“Wow she must be really smart. I wonder what she’s doing now. I hope she had a happy childhood.”

Zach studied Nick’s face as he thought of Hannah and rambled on about her. Zach was almost certain that he was too self absorbed to realize how caught up he was in his prattling about this one girl he had never really met. Zach smiled to himself as he watched Nick’s face light up every time he said her name.

“So Nick how does it feel?”

Nick stopped mid sentence and looked at Zach, “How does what feel?”

“Being in love.”

Nick stopped talking and looked at Zach as if he had just gone mad, “Love what does love have to do with anything?”

“Well it sure sounds a lot like love to me.”

Nick shook his head no as the words reverberated through his mind. Love? Could it be love? No not Nick he didn’t fall in love, did he?

“Look I am not in love. I just want to make sure she’s okay.”

“Sure that’s all it is.”

Zach smiled to himself as he watched the emotions on his friends face. Nick might not know it yet but he had fallen and fallen hard for a girl he hadn’t even met yet. Zach would do some more in depth research about Hannah and find out exactly what her story was. He needed to make sure that Nick didn’t get hurt so he would keep this to himself unless he found something worth telling.

“So Zach what are you and Beth up to today?”

“Oh you know the usual lunch at The Overlook and a walk through the park. What about you, any big plans?”

Nick rubbed his eyes and shook his head, “Not really just catching up on my sleep that was so rudely interrupted. I guess I have a lot to figure out.”

Zach patted his back, “Dude that is an understatement and sleep is highly overrated.”

Nick looked at his friend the closest thing he had to a brother, “Honestly Zach, all jokes aside, do you think I am crazy?”

Zach knew that his words would determine how things progressed so he chose his words carefully, “No I don’t think you’re crazy at all. Do I think this little endeavor is highly dangerous? Hell yes but sometime things are set in motion and we have no control over what comes next.”

Nick knew he was right and he should just forget Hannah all together. She might be happily married with a family or in love about to get engaged or divorced and heartbroken? He knew there was no way he could leave it alone, he had to find her and know that he hadn’t ruined her life. He leaned back on the couch and closed his eyes and let the visions of her so lost and alone fill his head.

“”Look Nick, I know this isn’t something you planned and for whatever reason you connected with this girl but promise me you’ll be careful.”

Nick laughed a sarcastic laugh, “Oh I have that number down pat, you know me careful is my middle name.”

Zach knew that Nicolas O’Brien was a great guy and everybody’s best friend but he never let anyone in and he never opened himself up to the possibility of love. Zach watched his brother and sighed was it possible that Hannah was the reason he had never tried before? Had he, without even knowing it, been waiting for her all this time? He could see the emotions flickering in his eyes every time he said her name and he realized that Nick was already gone.


“I know Nick what I mean is don’t do anything stupid.”

“Oh you mean like go back in time and talk to a complete stranger and screw up life as she knows it?”

“Well yeah something like that. I don’t want to see you end up getting a court martial for a breech in security or going back and trying to change one thing only to screw something else up. I know you care about this little girl but just think this through before you try to jump in and be her savior.”

Nick sat up and took in Zach’s words. He knew Zach was right but how could he just walk away from something he had set in motion? He buried his head in his hands and tried to figure out exactly what the next step would be.

“Nick listen take it easy and just relax. I know things will work out because sometimes despite our best intentions love just happens.”

Nick raised his head and looked at Zach with fear shining in his electric blue eyes. Zach smiled as he shook his head; leave it to Nick to go about things the hard way. He couldn’t just find a nice normal girl in the here and now, oh no he had to go back to 1993 and find a girl who was just as broken as he had been. The more he thought about it Nick was still broken he just didn’t know it.

Hannah straightened the magazines on her coffee table again as she tried not to look at the clock. She straightened her shirt and ran her fingers through her hair as if a strand was out of place, not likely. She stood and crossed the room to gaze out the window that looked over the bustling street below. She knew that Maddie wouldn’t judge her but she also knew that Maddie knew her better than anyone so she would see through any attempt at lying. She sighed as she thought about her friend. Hannah was certain that she was the reason Madeline had gone into psychiatry and she had broken all ties with Maddie because of it. She refused to feel like someone’s science experiment or a failure. She knew now that she had been wrong about a lot of things and she hoped she and Maddie could work through their problems as well as the unresolved issues that she had tried so hard to bury. She was brought out of reveries by the ringing of the door bell. She ran sweat sleeked palms on her pant leg as she made her way to the door. She took a deep breath and turned the knob. As soon as she pulled the door open she was engulfed in a hug and spinning in circles around the room.

“Hannah oh my god I have missed you.”

Hannah began to laugh as Maddie continued to whirl around the room like a Texas tornado.

“Hi Mad you look good.”

Her friend grew still as she held Hannah at arm’s length and took in her appearance.

“Hannah you look amazing. The last time I saw you what six years ago, you still had long hair.”

Madeline ran her fingers through Hannah’s chin length hair that was layered and curled upward and spiky on the ends. Hannah blushed under her friend’s intense gaze, before she ducked her head and pulled away.

“This look becomes you and brings out your eyes, I love it.”

“Thanks Mad, you look gorgeous but you always do. You always had that put together look that I could never pull off.”

“That is complete nonsense Hannah. The truth is you never tried.”

“Ok enough about my unbecoming years. Come in the kitchen and have some lemonade while we catch up.”

Madeline followed Hannah into the white kitchen with soft blue accents. She watched as Hannah grabbed a tray, two glasses and a pitcher of fresh squeezed lemonade. She then followed her to the patio that had an amazing view of the city below.

“So Hannah how are you really?”

Hannah placed the tray on the table and began to pour the sweet yet tart liquid into the glasses.

“I would tell you that I am young, healthy, successful and happy but you already know that’s a lie.”

Maddie ran her finger over the rim of her glass before she raised it to her lips while quietly studying Hannah’s eyes. She looked tired and scared, much the same as she had looked the last time she had seen her six years ago.

“So tell me what changed?”

Hannah began to nervously fidget with her napkin, “I really don’t know. I thought I was fine but this morning I woke up and it was like something had changed and I realized I was tired of being alone.”

Madeline reached across the table and placed one hand on Hannah’s and lifted her down turned face with the other, “Hannah I am so proud of you. I know how hard this is for you but honestly this is the first step and it’s always the hardest.”

Hannah nodded her head as the tears she had been holding back began to pour. Maddie was kneeling by her side in an instant holding her as she cried.

“Hannah it’s going to be okay, just let it all out.”

Hannah held onto Maddie and let all the tears she had been hiding fall. She cried for the father she had loved and lost, the Aunt who had tried to make it all better before she too was snatched away, for the mother she never knew and the childhood that had ended before it had even began. She had no idea how long she sat there crying on Maddie’s shoulder but she finally raised her head and looked at the love and kindness that was shining in Maddie’s eyes.

“I’m sorry for falling apart but I think I needed that.”

Maddie laughed at Hannah’s woebegone expression and pulled her out of the chair as rain began to fall. The two friends held their hands over their heads and ran inside as the cold wet splatters hit them on the face.

“I don’t want to pressure you Hannah but did something happen that triggered this? Did you see something or someone that reminded you of what happened?”

Hannah shook her head no as she thought of everything that had happened the day before…..

Hannah had gotten out of bed just seconds before the alarm was set to go off. She turned it off and climbed out of her nice warm bed, noting as she passed the window that it was raining. She groaned as she began her morning ritual ten minutes of stretching, half an hour on the treadmill, ten more minutes stretching then a long hot shower. Once she was dressed and ready for work she looked at her appearance in the full length mirror. She then headed to the kitchen to take her meds and breakfast a slice of whole wheat toast with peanut butter, a diet coke and the morning paper. Hannah was a creature of habit and each day started exactly the same.

She had made her way to the lobby just as her car was pulling in front of the building. She had tipped the valet and headed to work. She really didn’t think of it as work she loved the hundreds of shelves of books and all the stories they had to tell. She could get lost in the character’s lives and adventures. Hannah may not venture out or have friends but she lived vicariously through her love of literature and books. She had always been able to find comfort in the words of others and the stories that filled her with happiness, joy, laughter and even sadness. However for some reason today Hannah was not herself she began to look at the world outside her driver’s side window and she wondered. She wondered why the lady standing at the bus stop was crying and why the man stopped at the light beside her was smiling as if he was the happiest man in the world. She had never paid any attention to the people around her. She parked on the curb in front of her store and stared at the ribbon of water as it ran down the windshield before breaking into dozens of tiny streams. Hannah was suddenly filled with a sense of what if she had done things differently all those years ago? Would her dad still be here? Would she be closer to Veronica? Would she be in love and happily married with family and friends to spend birthdays and holidays with? She swiped at the tears that were falling down her cheeks. She finally killed the engine and climbed out of the car letting the rain and her tears mix together.

“And that was how my day started yesterday. I am not sure why but something just seemed off.”

Maddie nodded her head as she filed away everything Hannah had told her. She wondered what it was that Hannah thought she could have done differently that would have changed her life today.

“Hannah is there some particular point in the past that you wish you could change? Some specific time that you feel would have changed your life?”

Hannah sucked her bottom lip in between her teeth and looked away. She wasn’t sure what Maddie would about her dream.

“Well I don’t know if it’s so much as change anything as it is find someone. Mad you know when my dad died it was like my whole world was ripped apart. I remember when I was at the wake and I met this man and I know he would be in his forties now but I feel like I need to find him.”

Maddie looked at Hannah with concern she knew who Hannah was talking about her imaginary friend. She had tried to convince her that it had been a hurt little girl’s way of coping with the loss of her daddy. She watched as Hannah’s face turned a soft shade of pink.

“Hannah, honey we have talked about that remember? There was no man that was just you hiding from the pain. Sweetie it’s okay to have an imaginary friend when your eight but don’t you think it’s time to let it go?”

Hannah nibbled on her lip and wondered if he was just someone she made up or was he her angel? Had her father sent him to watch over her? She wasn’t sure what was real and what a dream was anymore.

“I suppose you’re right Mad it just seemed so real that even seventeen years later I can still see his face.”

Madeline was worried about Hannah and she wondered if there was more this imaginary friend. She knew his name was Nick but that was all she knew. She would start with the hospital records, accident report and funeral announcements for the same dates as Hannah’s father, she feared that maybe this Nick was someone involved with her father’s accident.

“Hannah I want you to come see me on Monday at 10am we can have brunch at that little café by my office.”

Hannah nodded her head, ‘That sounds great Maddie. I hate to cut this short but I really need to drop by the store and check on a shipment of books.”

Maddie waved her apology away, “No problem I have to get to the office. I have just signed on with the Pentagon to be a counselor for employees in need of help. I can only imagine how hard it must be working with the military and high risk projects.”

Hannah walked with her to the door, “Well can I give you a lift?”

Maddie readily agreed. The two friends walked out into the now sunny day. Maddie took it as a good sign that the rain had disappeared and the sun was now shining and the birds singing. She and Hannah talked about old friends and promised to meet for brunch on Monday.

Hannah drove to the store and wondered if Nick was just someone she had invented. She just didn’t think she was that creative and he was so clear in her mind. She shivered at just the thought of his blue eyes and tousled brown hair. She locked her car and headed in the back door. She quickly checked the delivery and signed off on the invoice. She glanced at her watch and saw that it was only a little after 3 so she had a few hours to kill. She walked to the break room and grabbed an employee vest with the name Peyton embroidered on the pocket. She slipped it on and walked into the store. She waved at Jeff who was working the counter. She began to walk down the aisles straightening books and picking up magazines. She saw a little girl sitting in the floor reading The Adventures of Winnie the Pooh. She smiled to herself as she remembered sitting in the same place in her daddy’s lap as he read the store to her. She approached the little girl and knelt down beside her, “Hi there would you mind if I read that with you?”

The little girl looked up and smiled, “Hi my name is Molly and I can’t read all the words so you can read it to me if you want.”

Hannah sat down beside the little girl and began reading the story of a silly old bear and an adventurous little boy. She and Molly became quick friends as they talked about Christopher Robin, Pooh, Tigger and Piglet. She had lost all track of time as she heard a woman frantically calling Molly’s name.

“I’m over here mom.”

A petite blond haired lady around thirty came around the corner. She stopped in front of Hannah and smiled.

“Hi my name is Andrea but you can call me Andie; thank you for entertaining my little Molly.”

Hannah stood up and offered her hand, “Oh no problem I enjoyed it. You ladies be sure to come visit us again real soon.”

Hannah walked with them to the front of the store. She laid the book on the counter with Andy’s magazines.

“Oh my we don’t need the book.”

Hannah smiled and put the book in the bag, “It’s fine I want Molly to have it; every little girl needs Winnie The Pooh.”

Andie looked around as if she were afraid she might be caught doing something wrong. Hannah stifled a smile.

“It’s fine Andie, trust me, just ask Jeff.”

Jeff had been standing to the side until he heard his name. He immediately smiled and joined the conversation.

“Ask me what?”

“Well I was just telling our new friends here how it was okay for me to give them this book.”

She pulled the book out of the bag just enough for Jeff to see Winnie the Pooh, “Oh of course it is.”

Andie smiled and accepted the bag, “Well thank you both so much. Come on Molly we have to meet your dad for dinner.”

“Bye Peyton thanks for reading to me and for spending the afternoon with me.”

Hannah waved bye to the young girl as she walked out the door. She could feel Jeff scrutinizing her every move. She turned to meet his eyes and shrugged her shoulders at the question she knew was coming.

“So how is it that when you’re Peyton you can smile and interact with the customers just fine but as Hannah you freeze up and retreat inside the dark recesses of your own mind?”

Hannah knew he was right but she wasn’t sure what the answer was.

“I guess it’s easier to be me when I am pretending to be someone else.”

Jeff looked at her in confusion, “You do realize that is so twisted?”

“It’s just that when I am someone else no one expects anything of me. I can be whoever I want to be and no one knows who I really am. I don’t have to be perfect or smart or the one with all the answers I can just be the nice girl who reads to the kids and makes them smile.”

Jeff knew that no one knew who she really was. She always worked the floor answering questions, stocking shelves and cleaning up but what no one would have ever guessed was that she was the owner and the president of Roberts Publishing. He wished that she would open up and let people see the wonderful person she really was.

“Hannah you are one in a million and one of these days you will stop beating yourself up and blaming yourself for everything that is wrong in the world.”

Hannah laughed, “Not in the whole world, just in my small world.”

Jeff glared at her as she took off the vest and tossed him the keys to the doors, “Do me a favor and lock up?”

He leaned over the counter and barely caught the keys, “Gees you throw like a girl.”

“I am a girl.”

Jeff laughed, ‘Yeah, yeah excuses, excuses. So why am I locking up? You got a hot date tonight?”

She could feel her face turning a dozen shades of red at his teasing,”Oh you know it, me a bottle of wine and a juicy romance by Nora Roberts, no relation.”

Jeff laughed as she walked out the door and jumped in her 1964 Shelby Mustang. She was completely unaware of the man sitting at the coffee bar observing their entire interlude.

Chapter Three Next Question

CHAPTER THREE
Next Question

Hannah paced by the window watching the sunset and she wondered what had happened to all her dreams. She hadn’t always been this way, afraid of what might come next. She had once been a vibrant little girl with no fear, who had a zest for life and all that it had to offer. She missed that little girl and even now as a 25 year old woman she wished she knew what had happened to that little girl she used to know. She took a sip of her wine before closing the drapes and heading to her sanctuary. She walked into the bathroom her retreat from the world and all its problems. She lit the candles and turned to place her I-pod on the docking station. She closed her eyes chose one of her many playlists at random would it beU-2, Rascal Flatts, Taylor Swift, Linkin Park or Lifehouse? She waited to see what played and the slow notes of Broken drifted in the spacious room filled with flowers, candles and a spa just waiting for Hannah to slip inside and close her eyes and drift away for a while. She listened to the heartfelt song just what she needed sentimental and reflective. She looked at her reflection in the mirror and asked her self again why she liked songs that tugged at her heart strings and made her think of what she were missing, as if she didn’t already know. She was about to untie her robe when she heard the door bell ring. She wasn’t expecting anyone so who was at her door on a Saturday night at six o’clock? She bet it was someone looking for the pretty blonde across the hall, which happened all the time. She walked to the door and looked through the peephole. She saw a tall skinny guy in jeans and a Linkin Park tee shirt he seemed harmless enough. She removed the chain and opened the door.

“Hi may I help you?’

The guy flashed a smile and offered his hand, “Hi my name is Zach and I am taking a survey do you have a few minutes?”

Hannah looked at the guy and wondered how he had gotten in the building. She watched his face as he waited for her to say something. She wasn’t sure if she should let him in or not. He really did look like a nice guy but looks could be deceiving.

“Ok first of all what’s your favorite football team?”

“The Indianapolis Colts.”

“Second what’s your favorite band?”

“Duh Linkin Park.”

“Ok two out of two not bad, here’s the clincher who is your favorite wrestler?”

“Ok call me old school but its Sting.”

“Okay I can live with that but the correct answer would be Shawn Michaels the Heartbreak Kid,”

“I see you know a little bit about wrestling, nice very nice.”

“My dad used to watch it when I was a kid.”

“Well for the record I liked HBK until he turned on Brett Hart, after that not so much.”

Hannah laughed as she opened the door and ushered her new friend in. He followed her to the couch and sat down. He wasn’t sure if she would even answer the door so now he wasn’t sure what to do. He took in the elegant apartment it was obviously expensive but oddly enough not pretentious, it felt inviting.

“So Zach is it?”

“Well technically it’s Zachary but please call me Zach, when I hear Zachary I look for my dad.”

Hannah laughed at his scrunched up nose and she knew that she liked this quirky guy.

“Ok So Zach what kind of survey are you doing?”

Zach shuffled some papers around and got his pen out of his pocket, “Well it’s for a research paper about human nature and how women and men differ.”

Hannah wasn’t sure if she would be much help but what the hell.

“Ok so what do you want to know?”

“First what is your name and age?”

“My name is Peyton and you know it is impolite to ask a lady her age.”

Zach laughed, “Well you can’t be over fifty so we can skip that one.”

Hannah found herself laughing at his oddball sense of humor.

“I am half that so go ahead with the next question.”

“What’s your favorite football team?”

“The Colts but my favorite player is Randy Moss the best receiver in the game.”

“Ok I guess I can live with that so what’s your favorite color?”

“My favorite color is blue, like the color of the sky on a clear perfect day.”

“OK what makes you take notice of a guy or a girl if you’re into that kind of thing?’

Hannah laughed at the blush that tinted his face as he muttered the last part under his breath. He was so adorable.

“Well I am not into that sort of thing so relax. As far as guys I am not much help there either.”

Zach looked at her and noticed her face was turning a brighter shade of red than his had been just moments ago.

“I suppose you have a husband and have grown immune to the effects of guys?”

Hannah laughed, “No but I don’t really go out or interact with people. I pretty much stay to myself. In fact this is really not like me at all letting some strange guy in my apartment.”

“Well I feel honored so no husband or boyfriend?”

“No, in fact I have never had a boyfriend. As I said I don’t get out much.”

Zach looked at Hannah as she shyly looked anywhere but at him. He found it hard to believe that a girl as lovely and nice as Hannah had never had a boyfriend. He watched her face as it was dusted with a soft pink blush.

“Ok so you choose not to date?”

“How do you know that it’s as simple as no one has ever asked me out?”

“I find it hard to believe that no guy has ever asked you out.”

Hannah continued to look across the room avoiding Zach’s probing eyes, “Well I graduated high school when I was fourteen so I was always younger than my classmates and then I graduated college at nineteen so of course I was kind of out of place there as well. Then I entered the work force and once again I was like the new kid on the block and no one listened or respected me because of my age.” Hannah refrained from adding that she had owned the company so they had no choice but to listen.

Zach felt a little sorry for the shy little girl he could see hiding in her eyes. He knew now why Nick had felt compelled to reach out to her. She seemed so innocent and fragile and he found himself wanting to protect her from all the people and things that would take advantage of her if given the chance.

“Wow you must be really smart.”

Hannah nervously began to fidget on the couch. She finally looked at Zach and offered a shy smile, “Well when you’re whole reason for living is suddenly taken away you have nothing else to do but study. I focused on school and making something of myself that I could be proud of. I had always been in the top of my class and scored amazingly high on aptitude tests. I had been offered the chance to skip ahead in school but I had never wanted to until the summer after my dad passed. Boys, clothes, music and everyday things seemed so unimportant. I kind of shut down and the next thing I knew I had become one of those nerdy kids that no one wanted to be friends with anymore and when my teacher asked me if I wanted to skip fifth grade I agreed. Then I had only been in the sixth grade for four weeks when they asked if me to take another test to evaluate my reading level. I was way beyond my classmates and they gave me another test that I aced and the next thing I knew I was in the eighth grade and I had just turned nine. I graduated high school at fourteen and started college that fall.”

Hannah had no idea why she was sharing so much personal information with a complete stranger but she felt comfortable with this guy. She was a little embarrassed at having shared so many intimate details of her childhood.

“You must be very dedicated to whatever you set your mind to.”

“Oh I suppose but all I ever really wanted was to help kids.”

Hanna h was shocked she had said that out loud where had that come from? She had never shared her dreams with anyone.

“Well that sounds like a good ambition, so what’s stopping you?”

“I guess I have too many unresolved issues of my own to help anyone else.”

Zach could see that lost little girl staring at him with her sparkling eyes full of doubts

“Peyton what is it that makes you want to help kids?”

“Because kids don’t judge you they accept you as you are. I want to make a difference and be for them what no one was for me at that age.”

Zach didn’t know what to say to that. He cleared his throat and shifted directions.

“That sounds honorable so on to the next question, what is your favorite band?”

“Well my favorite is Linkin Park but if I am feeling sentimental it’s U2.”

“Wow that’s kind of a far stretch why U2?”

“My dad loved them and all of my happiest memories are Saturday morning’s making pancakes and singing U2 songs like With or Without You and Where the Streets Have No Name.”

“Ok that’s cool, so what’s your favorite song?”

“Oh man I am embarrassed to say. But it’s I’m Gonna Be by the Pretenders.”

“Wow your favorite band is Linkin Park but your favorite song is I’m Gonna Be how does that work?”

“Well I’m Gonna Be was my dad’s favorite song and I remember him playing it and we would dance around the room with our hands up. I don’t know. It’s just that when I hear it I think of my dad and I remember being young, innocent and happy. I guess it’s like the world still had possibilities. Now if you ask me what my favorite Linkin Park song is the answer is New Divide and Iridescent.”

“I get it and I am surprised that you picked Iridescent that’s on the new CD.”

“Yeah I got it when it came out and man I fell in love with that one as soon as I heard it. I swear I felt like they wrote that song just for me.”

“Moving on what’s your favorite book?”

“The Catcher in The Rye, by JD Salinger and The Twilight Saga by Stephenie Meyer.”

“No way, I loved that book Holden Caulfield was such a rebel. I haven’t read the others but Beth, my girlfriend loves the Twilight movies. So speaking of movies what is your favorite movie?”

“Breakfast at Tiffany’s, I love Audrey Hepburn she was an a amazing actress who survived so much as a child.”

“Really I thought she was just a pretty face.”

“No not at all she struggled as a young girl through World War II and barely made it through alive. She lost everything including her father to the war. She and her mother came to America to have a new life. Audrey took dance and tried to make it as a dancer but she wasn’t very good, however she caught the eye of a director. She stared in her first film in 1953 with Gregory Peck. She won an Oscar in her first film and she was off to the races after that. She stared with Humphrey Bogart and William Holden in Sabrina a year later. It wasn’t until 1961 that she played Holly Golightly along with George Peppard in Breakfast at Tiffany’s.”

“Wow you’re like a walking trivia game and I thought George Peppard only played Hannibal in the A-Team.”

“No he got his start long before that. You should watch Breakfast at Tiffany’s with your girlfriend she’ll love it.”

“Ok I just might do that. Now next question if you dated what would you look for in a guy?”

Hannah looked around the room as if she was searching for an answer. Zach had no clue what she was thinking about.

“Well I suppose it would be kindness. I would want someone who cared about people and went out of their way to reach out to help someone in need; no matter what their place in society was. I don’t know I guess that sounds stupid.”

“No not at all it’s nice.”

Hannah blushed as she began to study the floor, “Thanks I know how lame I must sound.”

“You are not lame at all, you are refreshing and honest. Honest is always nice.”

“Ok next questions?”

“Describe what your perfect man would look like.”

Zach sat on the other side of the couch and watched her eyes flutter closed and speak as soft an angel’s wing. He could hear the love in her words and see the enchanted expression on her face. As Hannah spoke she saw visions of her dream and wondered if it was Nick. If it was how could she possibly know him so well Hannah didn’t have to think about that question that one face immediately came to mind, “He would be tall, sandy brown hair, slim build but muscular without being bulky, and beautiful electric blue eyes, like Mel Gibson only brighter somehow. He would be kind and gentle yet strong and always the rock that grounded me keeping me focused when I faltered or lost faith in the world.”

“You’ve given that question a lot of thought.”

Hannah opened her eyes at the sound of Zach’s voice. She had almost forgotten he was here.

“No not really but I have had this dream of the perfect man in my head since I was like eight.”

“That’s a long time to have the same dream and you’ve never met anyone who comes close to the dream?”

“Yes and no. I have had his dream since my dad died. My friend Maddie says I made him up to help me deal with the loss of my dad. And no one has ever come close to my dream man. I don’t know I guess maybe I am crazy.”

“No not at all, we all deal with pain in different ways.”

“Ok what would your idea of a perfect date be?”

Hannah had given that one a lot of thought, “A nice dinner with candle light and a walk along the beach with a nice breeze blowing and the perfect guy holding my hand. We would sit on a blanket and talk all night and watch the sunrise.”

“Nice I actually did that once. Ok next question what’s your favorite food?”

“Peanut butter.”

“Are you serious?”

“Yes, I love it on toast, warmed with apples, on hot cornbread or just by itself.”

“Man that’s weird.”

“Why is that weird?”

“I just figured you would be a champagne and caviar kind of girl.”

“Well you should never judge a book by its cover.”

“Point taken, sorry.”

“No problem.”

“Ok last question and it is actually a two part question. First if you had a theme song what would it be? Second if the world gave you a theme song what would it be?”

“Wow I don’t know I suppose if I gave myself a theme song it would be Vanilla Twilight by Owl City. No if the world was looking at me and judging me it would be, Broken by Lifehouse.”

“I haven’t heard the song Vanilla Twilight but I will definitely be checking it out and I for one do not see you as Broken just a little lost.”

“Thanks but you have no idea.”

“Ok well thank you so much for taking part in my survey. I hope to see you around.”

Hannah grinned, “I seriously doubt that.”

“No really I think you’re really nice and you remind me a lot of my girlfriend Beth.”

“Really, your girlfriend is delusional and refrains from interacting with the general public or anyone outside of her apartment?”

Zach shook his head, “No but you are genuine and one day you’ll meet the right person who will sweep you off your feet.”

“I hope your right but I highly doubt it.”

“”Trust me if it’s meant to be it’ll happen.”

Hannah smiled as she walked Zach to the door, “Thanks I hope your right.”

“It was really nice to meet you Peyton and here is my business card if you ever need any help with computer programs, surveillance, security or just a friend.”

Hannah took the business card knowing she would never use it but she hated to be rude.

“Thank you Zach. I am afraid I have to go now, my date is waiting.”

Zach looked at her with shock on his face, “Date?”

She giggled at his face, “Yeah, me, candles, wine, soft music, a nice relaxing bath and a book.”

Zach laughed, “Ok sorry I interrupted have fun with that.”

“I intend to. Have a nice night.”

“You too and thanks again for helping me out.”

“No problem.”

Hannah closed the door as he turned and walked down the hall. She locked the door and headed to her bath. She wondered why this guy had picked her and why she had opened up and shared so many intimate details of her life to him a complete stranger.


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Zach wasn’t sure what he had expected when he followed Hannah home from the bookstore but he was pleasantly surprised at what he found. She was like sugar and spice but no one ever got close enough to see who she really was. He had watched how she had opened up to him as she answered his questions but he was sure if she had known there was a chance in hell that he knew who she really was or that she might ever see him again she wouldn’t have been so candid with her answers. He felt bad for lying to her but he had to know what Nick was getting himself into with this little project of his.

Zach walked to the elevator and punched the down arrow. He thought about Hannah and her answers to his questions and realized that she wasn’t anything like he had expected. She was bright and funny without even trying to be. She wasn’t one of those smart people who didn’t have people skills or common sense; she was well rounded and really nice.

Zach reflected on the questions he had asked at random having not been exactly prepared for her to open the door. She had described Nick to a tee when asked what her perfect man would look like, so she did remember him. He was surprised by that, Nick must have left his mark imprinted forever in her mind. She loved Linkin Park the same as Nick and how odd that peanut butter was their favorite food. Nick could just sit with a spoon and eat it right out of the jar. He was brought back to the present as the elevator doors opened and he made his way to the front desk.

“Hey Carson I checked all the cameras on the fourth and fifth floors. I found a couple of loose wires on the top floor so I’ll be back next week to replace them.”

“Thanks Zach I hadn’t even noticed any glitches on the screen.”

Zach smiled at his college friend and owner of the apartment building, “No problem it was time for a routine check and I was in the neighborhood.”

Carson offered his hand across his the desk, “Thanks again, so tell Beth I said hi.”

“I will and give my best to Mackenzie.”

“You know we should all get together one night, maybe we can even find a girl for Nick.”

“Yeah well you know Nick says he’s never going to settle down. I am however hopeful that he may have been bitten by a bug that isn’t going away.”

Carson raised his eyes at Zach, “You’re serious? Well let me know how that goes.”

“Oh somehow I think you’ll know if anything comes from it.”

Zach waved over his shoulder as he walked to the front entrance, “See you next week.”

“See you then.”

Zach walked around the block and unlocked his Ford Explorer still thinking of Hannah. He wondered what to do now. He wasn’t sure if he should tell Nick of his little visit or see how things progressed without his help.

Chapter Four Guardian Angel

CHAPTER FOUR
GUARDIAN ANGEL

Once again Nick found himself floating through time and space with no idea where he was supposed to be going. He was helping Lucas out with some test and maintenance issues. He could feel the turning and the speed slowing down as his feet thudded to the ground.

The first thing he noticed was the sudden drop in the temperature and the fact that he needed a coat. He shoved his hands in his pockets and began to walk down the street. He found a store on a busy corner and stepped inside. He noticed it was a department store perfect for buying a heavy winter coat. He reached in his back pocket and found his wallet he had a few singles, a ten, a couple of twenties, a hundred dollar bill and an American Express Card. Nick made his way to men’s clothes and began the tedious task of finding a coat. He noticed that all of the clerks kept watching him. He supposed that if he had seen a man who looked like he was completely crazy dressed in a flimsy tee shirt in the dead of winter he would stare too. He grabbed a brown leather bomber jacket, thinking that he had had one just like it in junior high school. He laughed as he realized that junior high wasn’t that long ago considering the look of the store. He walked to the register. He waited behind a man purchasing a scarf and gloves; he decided maybe he should grab some gloves as well. As luck would have it there was a display at the end of the counter. He picked a pair at random and laid them with the coat on the counter. As the man rang in his purchases he handed him his credit card. He waited as the transaction failed to go through. Nick had forgotten that he was somewhere in the past and his card was dated in the future. He looked around the store trying to determine what the date might be. He saw a receipt lying on the floor by his foot so he bent to retrieve it. Nick straightened and glanced at the ticket, it was December 24, 1993. He sighed okay so he was back in 1993 but why? He noticed all the poinsettias, tinsel and garland it was definitely Christmas and found himself wondering how Hannah was coping with her first Christmas without her dad. He longed to whisper in her dreams that all was right with the world and that he was watching over her as she slept but he knew he couldn’t talk to her this time. He was pulled out of his muddled thoughts by the short crisp voice of the salesclerk.

“Sir is this some kind of joke?”

Nick looked at the man who was holding his credit card and waiting for a reply. Nick reached in his wallet and handed him a hundred dollar bill. He then snatched his card out of the clerk’s hand as he looked at Nick questioningly.

“Does that cover it?”

The clerk accepted the money and finished the transaction. He then smiled at Nick and offered an apology.

“Sir I am so sorry there must have been a glitch in the system. It said there was no card registered with that credit card number or name. I am truly sorry for any inconvenience?”

“Don’t worry about it my brother probably switched mine with one of those preauthorized ones that come in the mail.”

Nick smiled to himself because that was so something that only Zach would do. He accepted his change and receipt before turning to leave. He walked along the isle looking at the dozens of Christmas trees that were scattered throughout the store. He stopped next to a 15 foot tree with twinkling multi=colored lights and decorated with hundreds of angel ornaments. He saw how intricate the designs were and how they glittered in the hue of reds and greens he was swept back to a different time and place. He could see his mom with cookies and hot chocolate as he and his sisters sat by the Christmas tree and listened as their dad read The Night Before Christmas. He had been the oldest by three years and at the age of six the twins had been three. He remembered the joy of the holiday and the magic that seemed to be in the air so thick he could almost taste it. He wished that life was still as simple as it had seemed back then.

Nick drew his attention back to the ornaments and realized how unique each one was. He saw a sign telling about the designer and how each one was a one of a kind. He saw how they varied in shapes and sizes but all of them were sprinkled with gold and trimmed with tiny diamonds that glistened in the lights. He found one of an Angel looking over a babe as it slept. He picked it up and looked at the price tag; it was discounted to 75% that would make it $25 dollars. He took it to the counter and waited impatiently as the sales clerk rang in the ornament.

“This is lovely sir is it for someone special?”

Nick thought of Hannah how hard this Christmas was going to be for her without her dad there. He looked at the young lady and smiled, “Yes it is.”

She smiled back at him, “Why don’t you let me gift wrap that for you?”

Nick nodded and watched as she placed the angel in a box then placed it in a red gift bag with silver and gold tissue paper. She then slid a card and envelope across the counter, “Here you can sign the card.”

Nick took the pen that she held out to him. He looked at the blank card and wondered what in the world to write. He then scribbled on the ivory card,

Hannah,
I know how hard this Christmas is for you, the first of many without your daddy, but I am watching you and hoping that you remember that I am always as close as your dreams.
Merry Christmas & Sweet Dreams always
Your Guardian Angel

Nick placed the card in the envelope and sealed it. He then thanked the lady and took his gift. He made his way to the front entrance that led to the bustling sidewalk out front. He walked along the sidewalk looking for a messenger service he found what he was searching for on the next street. Nick pushed open the door and approached the counter.

“Hello how may I help you?”

“I need this delivered to Hannah Roberts and I don’t know the address. She is the daughter of Veronica Roberts and the late Davis Roberts, can you help me?”

“Of course sir I know the address we make deliveries there quite often.”

Nick smiled the first real smile in ages and he thanked the man. He wondered if the man would be willing to help him with one more thing.

“Will there be anything else today sir?”

“Well not today but I have a proposition for you, sort of a long term contract.”

The man looked at Nick with wonder and nodded for him to continue.

“You see I am not really familiar with the Roberts’. I made a promise that I would look out for Hannah the daughter of the late Davis William Roberts. I was wondering if I bring you several items wrapped and dated if you would be willing to deliver them on the date specified on each box.”

“Ok course sir. We will be closed tomorrow but if you return next week we will work out the details.”

“That sounds marvelous you have no idea how much help you have been. Thank you so much.”

“Ok I will see you next week Mr.??”

“Just call me Nick and please this must be confidential.”

“Yes sir, absolutely sir.”

Nick thanked the man and turned to leave. He walked outside and tuned his face up to the now dark sky as the snow began to fall dusting the ground with perfect crystals all the same but no two exactly alike. He began to walk along the sidewalk and hum jingle bells. He hadn’t celebrated Christmas in years but for some reason he felt the warmth and the magic of the season as the snow blanketed the ground under his feet. He watched as children stuck their tongues out to catch the flakes and throw snowballs at one another in the crisp cold winter night. He continued his walk and saw teenagers running and sliding across the slick pavement trying to impress the young girls watching their theatrics. He wondered how long it had been since he had embraced life and really enjoyed the wonders that surrounded him every day, day in and day out.

Nick walked along the sidewalk and carefully made his way back to the exact spot he had arrived an hour ago. He knew that any minute he would fade into the night as if he had never existed at all. He waited for the vortex of speed and adrenaline to hit and take him back home.
**********************************************************************************

Zach parked his truck on the curb before climbing out and heading inside. He still wasn't sure what to say to Nick. He knew that more than likely Nick was already mad at him but his only concern had been Nick's well being. He jiggled his key in the knob to make his arrival known and finally walked into the apartment.

He searched the room and finally saw the lump on the couch. He knew Nick was buried under the fleece blanket in exactly the same place he had found him hours ago.

Zach walked around the couch and tried to shake Nick's shoulder but all he heard was a groan followed by a growl. Zach plopped down in the recliner and grabbed the remote for the entertainment center and hit the volume arrow up as In the End filled the room. Nick jolted awake and looked frantically around the room. Zach laughed as Nick lost control and fell in the floor. Zach leaned over and looked into Nick's semi conscious eyes, "Funny we keep meeting like this."

"Ha-ha it's oh not so funny"

"Dude did you really sleep the whole day away?"

"What if I did?"

"Seriously Nick, who does that? Besides crack heads and people too drunk to know its daylight?"

"That would be me, the guy who works all hours of the night. And I did move once or twice today."

"Really? Remember going to piss doesn't count."

"Actually I got up and I got dressed." Nick threw the blanket off and stood to model his clothes, "Then I even took a little trip all by myself but you want to hear the funny thing about my trip?"

Zach was shifting uncomfortably in his seat. He was pretty sure he knew what Nick was getting ready to say. He shrugged his shoulders in a feeble attempt to look stumped.

"Well I went to Fillmore St and guess what?"

"There's a nice deli on the corner?"

"Well yes there is, in exactly the spot that a certain bookstore was supposed to be."

Zach looked at his feet to avoid Nick's penetrating stare, "Man that's crazy, wonder how that happened?"

Nick continued to shoot daggers at his best friend willing him to admit that he had lied about the address or the store or maybe both. Zach however had no intention of looking up anytime soon.

"I was kind of hoping you could tell me."

"Nick I guess I may have given you the wrong address.”

Zach braced himself for a list of insults but was surprised by the silence that filled the room. He opened one eye and looked around the room just as a couch cushion hit him in the face.

“You might have given me the wrong address, seriously?”

Zach finally looked Nick in the eye, “Ok fine I gave you the wrong address, her store was down the block and around the corner. Sorry dude.”

Nick ran his fingers threw his hair in frustration, why would Zach lie to him on purpose? He had thought maybe he had read the address wrong or hoped that it had been an honest mistake. He raised a questioning eye in Zach’s direction.

“So why exactly did you give me the wrong address?”

“Look Nick, I’m sorry but I didn’t want you rushing in head first trying to fix something that may or may not have been broken. I know you dude and you wouldn’t have thought before you stuck that big foot in your mouth. I just wanted a little time to research the situation.”

Nick leaned on the coffee table as he rose to his feet. He never took his eyes off of Zach, “Research? Gees you make her sound like a lab rat.”

Zach held his hands up as he furiously shook his head no, “No not at all, I just wanted some time to see exactly who she grew up to be and if she had any recollection of you at all.”

Nick suddenly stopped pacing and faced Zach, “You went to see her?”

Zach sheepishly nodded his head, afraid of what Nick would say next. He watched as he resumed his steady walk around the room, “Yes and no.”

Nick laughed sarcastically, “Yes and no? Oh please enlighten me on how that works.”

Nick sat on the coffee table and waited for Zach to explain what he had done. Nick knew Zach well enough to know that he would stoop to any level to find out what he wanted to know. However he also knew that Zach would never do it out of meanness, only if it was necessary to protect someone he loved.

Zach finally took a deep breath before telling Nick about his afternoon and evening.

“So I went to Hannah’s Corner Shelf around 2:15 and she wasn’t there. It was a really nice store with a coffee bar so I ordered a caramel hot chocolate with whip cream. I then sat back to see what happened. It wasn’t long after that a young woman came out of the back stock room wearing an employee vest. I looked at the name stitched on the front it read, Peyton. I watched her as she walked the perimeter of the store picking up trash, straightening shelves and returning magazines to their proper rack she seemed so sad and she never spoke. I could see so much pain hiding in the depths of her eyes as she looked at the thousands of books that surrounded her, she would walk down the aisle running her finger over the edges, lost in deep thoughts. Then she sat down with this little girl and started reading to her. I don’t mean like a short one sentence per page story but a real story. I was so amazed that I found myself listening to the soft tremor of her voice as it rose and fell according to what was happening in the hundred acre woods. Her eyes were shining and it was as if someone had flipped a switch on her soul, she literally transformed right in front of me. She was enjoying herself and you could hear it in her voice and see it in her eyes as the story came to life as she read to the little girl. I found her voice enchanting and I was hanging on her next word.”

Nick was wondering what some employee named Peyton had to do with Hannah. He listened but was quickly losing patience. This was a wonderful story but it had nothing to do with him, so what was the point?

“Hold up Zach, this is too much information what exactly does Peyton have to do with me? Is she related to Hannah or was the little girl Hannah’s daughter? Just get to the point.”

Zach looked at his brother’s face twisted with pain, questions and frustration. He picked up the cushion that was still lying on the floor at his feet and tossed it at Nick.

“Chill dude, there is a point to this little story so sit down and shut up, trust me you need to hear this.”

Nick growled at Zach as he took his seat on the couch. It was at times like this that he wondered why he put up with Zach’s crazy oddities. Oh yeah he was his brother he had to take the good with the bad.

“Ok continue.”

“Ok so I had been standing on the aisle adjacent to where she was reading to the little girl. I slowly made my way back to the coffee bar to see if I could hear anything about our Hannah.”

“Our Hannah? You don’t even know her.”

Zach raised his eyes in a seductive manner, “Oh but I do, but first on with the story.”

Nick was more confused now than he had been when he had arrived home with Hannah stuck in his head. How the hell did Zach know his Hannah?

“So she walked with the little girl and her mother to the counter to ring up their purchases. She was smiling and telling the mother that she wanted Molly to have the book, that every little girl needed a Pooh book. The mother was afraid that Peyton would get in trouble but she finally took the book.”

“Ok still not getting the relevance of this but please continue.”

“Well after Molly and her mother left, the manager walked over to Peyton. I just knew he was going to fire her. She looked at him and she had that haunted faraway look in her eyes again. By this time I was straining to hear what was said. It seems that our girl Peyton is actually our girl Hannah.”

Nick sat up straighter and looked doubtfully at his friend, “What? That makes no sense at all.”

“Well when she goes to the store she pretends to be Peyton so no one knows who she really is. She hides from the world and everyone in it, but as Peyton she opens up a little bit and you can see the person hiding inside.”

“You got that right; I can still see the pain in those big hazel eyes. Wait a minute you got all that from seeing her at the store?”

Zach fidgeted in his seat and debated telling him the rest. He knew that he would do whatever it took to help Nick as well as Hannah and they seemed as if they needed each other. He opened and closed his mouth several times trying to find the words to say.

“Nick I followed her home.”

Nick went bug eyed as he jumped off the couch and began to pace by the fireplace.

“What are you stalking her now?”

“Gees calm down. I am not stalking her but I just felt like there was more to her and I wanted to talk to her without her defenses up.”

Nick placed his hands on the mantle and hung his head watching the flames lapping at his feet. He felt cold down to his feet and even the glowing embers couldn’t give him the warmth he needed. He finally raised his head and turned to meet Zach’s eyes.

“Ok so what happened next? Did you talk to her? Is she married? Does she have kids? Come on Zach what the hell happened?”

“Do you remember our buddy Carson, from College?”

Nick looked at Zach as if he had gone mad, “Yeah Carson and Mackenzie, so what?”

“Well it seems that Hannah lives in one of his pricey sky rise apartments.”

“Wait a minute do you still have the security contract for those apartments?”

Zach grinned at Nick, “As a matter of fact I do,”

Nick could see Zach’s face and was afraid to ask what he had done, “Zach please tell me you didn’t take advantage of your inside connections?”

Zach shook his head no “Absolutely not, I just dropped by to catch up with Carson. I offered to check a couple of feeds and cameras, just routine stuff since I was there.”

“What did you do?”

Zach watched as Nick resumed his pacing and walked out of the room. He heard Nick rummaging in the kitchen and then the refrigerator door open and slam shut. He then entered the living room with a coke, a spoon and jar of Peter Pan peanut butter.

Nick tossed the lid on the coffee table and plunged the spoon into the jar and swirled it around. Zach knew he was nervous and filling a little ill because peanut butter was his comfort food. When he felt out of sorts or put out with the world he had to have peanut butter and it didn’t matter what kind it just had to be peanut butter, crunchy or creamy peanut butter was peanut butter. He took the spoon out and started to eat. He then forgot about the peanut butter using the spoon as a baton waving it around and talking ninety miles an hour.

“Ok so I know you and there’s more, so what did you find out about Hannah?”

Nick stuck the spoon back in the jar and slide to the floor waiting for Zach to tell him everything. He ate his peanut butter as he tried to envision what Hannah must look like now. He could see her as that sweet little girl with the shoulder length wavy brown hair that curled around her face. Did she still wear it long or had she cut it over the years? He knew that her eyes would still be the same, so big shining in the light and always the hint of mystery hiding in the sparks of green. He didn’t really care what she looked like because he had seen the real Hannah and she had had a beautiful soul that had touched him in a personal way that he would never forget. He wasn’t sure if it was because of where she had been and the fact that she too had lost her father. He had lost his entire family and he knew the pain that was festering inside and why she felt so lost and alone. Her whole world had been ripped in two and she felt as if she was drifting on a raging sea with no light to show her the way. He knew because he had been there too and he hated the thought of anyone feeling the loss and abandonment he had. He wished he had been able to tell her that everything would be okay but he had no way of knowing that and he would not lie to her. He looked up at Zach and prayed that she had made it through those treacherous waters safely to a better time and place.

“Zach I need to know what happened to her.”

Zach moved to the couch and made himself comfortable. He then placed his hand on Nick’s shoulder offering some small bit of comfort. He then opened the coke and took a drink then placed it on the coffee table.

“She is an amazing woman even though she can’t see it herself. I spent an hour with her but it didn’t even seem like it was that long.”

Nick looked at Zach and continued to eat his peanut butter. He waved his spoon in the air for him to continue.

“I knocked on her door and told her I was doing a survey and would she mind helping me out. She didn’t really want to but she finally agreed to let me in. I could tell she was shy and nervous but she seemed to relax as we talked. She told me her name was Peyton so I have no doubt that had she known I knew who she really was I would have been out on my ass.”

Nick replaced the lid to the peanut butter and looked at Zach. How had his best friend managed to talk to her before him? Oh yeah Zach was the computer god and he knew how to get information at any costs that was what the world did to you, it took a good kid and turned them into someone you didn’t recognize anymore.

“You’re probably right but what did she say? What did you say?”

“She is a very bright and funny girl. I swear she reminded me a lot of Beth.”

Nick nodded his head, “That’s good Beth is the greatest girl I know.”

“Yes she is but Hannah isn’t as well rounded as Beth. She has various interests, likes and dislikes but she doesn’t let people in.”

Zach thought of how withdrawn she had been when he first saw her enter the store. He then recalled how she had blossomed right in front of his eyes when she approached the little girl. Zach knew it was completely crazy but he somehow thought that something had changed in her psyche in the short drive home from the book store. He was sure that had he knocked on her door earlier in the day that she wouldn’t have opened the door.

“Nick you said earlier that you moved once or twice today, so where did you goes besides to Fillmore Street?”

Zach watched Nick’s face as he studied the pictures on the wall. He could see that Nick had a secret that he didn’t want to share, oh boy what had he done?

“Nick please tell me you didn’t do what I think you did.”

“How about you tell me what you think I did.”

“You snuck into the lab and went back to see her.”

Nick shook his head no, “Not exactly, more like I went to work and another glitch took over the system.”

“Wait a minute hold the phone, what the hell happened this time?”

Nick looked at Zach’s penetrating stare and could feel his hands begin to sweat. He hated lying to Zach and he knew he would need his help if he was going to pull this off.

“I met Lucas at the lab and he agreed to some test runs. He wanted to run some diagnostic checks so he sent me back exactly one year ago today. The thing is I didn’t go back to one year ago today, I went back to December 1993.”

Zach looked at Nick in disbelief how was that even possible? Maybe Nick changed the date in purpose or maybe Lucas entered the wrong date.

“Nick you swear you didn’t change the date or that Lucas didn’t enter the wrong date?”

“Zach I promise on my life that I did not change the date and I checked the date before I entered the chamber.”

Zach shook his head in disbelief, “How is it possible that it happened twice and in such a short time? It just doesn’t make any sense.”

Nick knew how he felt. He had already run every possible scenario with no plausible answers.

“Ok Zach we are talking about time travel here, a totally new frontier. I mean really until the last few months no one would have ever thought it would happen.”

Zach nodded his head in agreement, “Ok so how do you explain it?”

“Well what if we messed with something that wasn’t our place to mess with? I know as scientist and all we aren’t supposed to believe in a higher being, but what if God decided we were stepping on His toes and He decided to teach us mere mortals a lesson?”

Zach looked at Nick in shock, “This coming from the guy who thinks that the sun only rises for him?”

“Ok I know but what if we’ve been wrong our entire lives? What if there’s something more? What if there is hope even for the likes of me?”

Zach was at a loss as to what Nick was expecting him to say. He shrugged his shoulders in defeat for he had no easy answers.

“I don’t know but I have a sinking suspicion that you need my help here.”

“Yeah actually I do. So Lucas caught on to the fact that something was off this time and he is trying to fix it. I don’t know if it will happen with a different test subject or if it’s just me. I have this funny feeling that maybe fate is trying to tell me something.”

Zach laughed at that, “You think?”

“I just think that maybe for whatever reason fate has plans for me and Hannah.”

“Gees it took you long enough to figure that one out Sherlock. Ok so explain to me how I fit into this?”

Nick gave Zach his neediest smile, “Well Lucas is hell bent on fixing the problem so I may be off this assignment. I may need you to help me get into the lab and go back to visit Hannah.”

Zach knew that Nick must really be in deep if he was asking him to do this. He looked at his brother, his best friend and he knew that he had no choice but to say yes.

Chapter Five Love and Other Catstrophies

CHAPTER FIVE
LOVE AND OTHER CATSTROPHIES

Zach wasn’t sure exactly what Nick had in mind but he knew he had been acting strange all weekend. He had left the house for hours at a time and then came back with a list of places and addresses. Zach had kept a close eye on him because he knew how spur of the moment he could be. Nick would act first and think later and that had tended to get him in trouble. Zach heard the front door open and Nick came in with his arms full.

“Hey what’s all that?”

“This my friend is Christmas decorations.”

Zach laid his magazine on the coffee table and walked across the room to close the door. He wasn’t sure what had gotten into Nick but he was definitely not himself. Nick never celebrated the holidays and Zach never pushed him about it.

“Okay who are you and what have you done with my brother?”

Nick pushed Zach’s hand away and laughed, “I know it’s totally crazy but I want to make this a holiday season to remember. Come on help me with the rest of the boxes.”

Zach pretended to grumble as he followed Nick outside. He wondered if Hannah had anything to do with his sudden change of heart about the holidays. He grabbed a couple of boxes out of the back seat and carried them inside before heading back out. He picked up the last of the boxes and followed Nick inside out of the cool fall breeze.

“So you do realize that Thanksgiving comes first right?”

Nick chuckled, “Of course that’s on Sunday right?”

Nick tried to hide his grin as Zach started mumbling, “Dude it’s on Thursday, gees.”

Nick began to put the numerous boxes in the hall closet, “I know I was just messing around. I know when it is and I have already talked to Susan she was absolutely thrilled that I am actually coming this year.”

“Nick you do realize that you have made her entire year right? Do you have any idea how long she has been trying to get you to take part in our family holiday extravaganzas?”

“I know but I just never felt right about it.”

“Nick you know we consider you part of the family.”

Nick looked at his feet and tried to find the words to make Zach understand how he had felt all these years. He knew the Ryan’s loved him and considered him one of their own but he still remembered his family and how things used to be. He could all but see them sitting right here laughing and exchanging gifts.

“I don’t know how to put this into words so bear with me okay?” Zach nodded for Nick to continue. “I still remember how my mom loved holidays and I mean all holidays. She went all out for Valentine’s Day, Easter, 4th of July oh and she always made Halloween the best. I think maybe it was her favorite. She had this Halloween party every year with a bonfire and ghost stories. Man the food was so good chilies and hotdogs, every kind of sandwich you can imagine and so many sweets you got a tooth ache just looking at the table. I swear everyone on our street and three streets over came. She would pick her favorite costume and give whoever it was a 100 bucks. After the first year people started competing and coming up with some really great costumes. My favorite was Darth Vader complete with a voice box that sounded exactly like the movie. But Christmas was special it was a time for family and remembering how lucky we were to have each other. She did so many little things to make it perfect like making homemade Christmas cards for our grandparents, baking cookies for Santa. I remember the day after Thanksgiving we always went to pick out our Christmas tree. I can still see my dad standing with his hands on his hips surveying the never ending field and picking just the right one. He wouldn’t settle for just any tree it had to be the perfect tree. He always got such a kick out of hanging lights on the house while we helped mom with the tree. We would decorate the tree with ornaments that had been handed down for generations. She would always give me and my sisters an ornament every year so we would be able to carry on the tradition.”

Nick could feel his throat closing up as he tried to hold off the tears that the memories brought on. He knew they were threatening to fall to fall at any minute. He drew in a shaky breath before he continued. Zach could see the pain flashing like a neon sign in the depths of Nick’s blue eyes. He wanted to help but he knew this was something he had to do on his own. Nick had never talked so openly about his family and Zach knew that somehow Hannah had brought this change on.

“I guess I felt like I didn’t deserve to celebrate holidays anymore. I mean why should I get to celebrate when they couldn’t. I felt guilt just being alive so I closed myself off and tried to act like I didn’t care about Christmas or any other holiday.”

“Nick I hope you know that your parents loved you and wouldn’t want you to miss out on having a life.”

Nick looked up at Zach and nodded his head, “I know I have been telling myself that for years but I can’t get it out of my head.”

“Get what out of your head?”

“The way mom always said the only thing that matters is having you guys here. Every Christmas she said as long as she had us she didn’t need any presents. I just feel so lost like if I celebrate its somehow disrespectful to her memory.”

“Nick she wouldn’t want you to miss out on having a happy and full life. Believe me she would want you to embrace life and enjoy all it has to offer.”

Nick studied the sparkle in Zach’s eyes and wondered how he could possible know that.

“How would you know you never met my mom?”

“Because it’s a mom thing, she would want you to be happy. Believe me Nick she wouldn’t want you blaming yourself for something that wasn’t your fault.”

Nick gave a half hearted smile in Zach’s direction but he knew in his heart that if Zach knew the truth he would change his mind. Nick blamed himself everyday for the death of his family and for the fact that he was still alive. He knew that no one could possibly understand but Nick had kept the secret so long that his voice stuck in his throat at the thought of speaking of the accident. He looked away from Zach and tried to chase away the demons that were always nipping at his heels.

“So what’s up with you and Beth tonight?”

“I think tonight is the night.”

Nick raised his eyes from the floor and saw the gleam in Zach’s green eyes. The night, the night he had been planning for months?

“You got the ring?”

“I just picked it up.”

Nick watched as Zach crossed the room and pulled the black velvet box out of his pocket. He heard the spring snap as he opened the box to reveal a beautiful heart shaped solitaire surrounded on each side with a sapphire Beth’s birthstone.

“Nice job, she’ll love it.”

“I know but before she gets this one I am giving her this.”

Zach held up a fortune cookie and a ring pop. Nick had to laugh it was too funny but he knew Beth would know how crazy Zach was and she would love it.

“So what’s the plan? Where are you taking her and how are you going to do it?’

“Well I’ve already talked to her mom and dad and they said yes of course.”

“Well why wouldn’t they say yes you guys are perfect together and they already consider you part of the family.”

“Yes but this makes it official and this is their little girl.”

Nick immediately thought of the picture of Hannah dancing on her daddy’s feet. He knew that no matter what age it would be hard to let your little girl go. He looked back up to see Zach watching him intently.

“Sorry I zoned out there for a second.”

“I know and I am pretty sure I know what you were thinking about or should I say who.”

“I have no idea what you mean.”

“Oh let me clear it up for you. Every time you talk about, think about or say Hannah’s name you get this far away look in your eyes. So yeah you were thinking about her just now.”

“Gees that obvious?”

“Yeah like a sign flashing ‘HANNAH, HANAH’ it’s like you’re a million miles away.”

Nick shrugged his shoulders and looked out the window. He knew Zach was right but how was he suppose to focus on anything else? He had become completely enthralled with her and really what did he know about her? He knew she lost her dad at a very young age, her mom was no longer in the picture and she was a genius who owned her own publishing company. She loved books and she didn’t have many friends aside from her employees. That was all the he really knew and he got that from Zach.

“Ok so I was thinking about her but please continue with your plan.”

Zach laughed as Nick sat with his legs crossed and his hand on his chin. He was sure that Nick, being a ladies’ man and all would advise him on what he was doing wrong.

“I am going to take her to eat at The Parlor, then to the basketball game at Oak Hill and then to The Hot Spot.”

“Zach have you lost your mind? I mean come on that sounds like a high school date.”

Zach was grinning like a maniac, “Of course it sounds like a high school date because that’s exactly what we did on our very first date. I waited until tonight because Oak Hill is playing St. Mark’s high and that was the team that played that night.”

Nick smiled as he remembered driving them to the game, “Well if you want to make it just like the first date I could drive you guys.”

Zach looked at Nick and thought about it. He wondered if that would be too much. What the hell you only got engaged once so why not?

“Are you sure?”

“Oh why not, I have nothing better to do.” Besides moon over a girl he hadn’t even met yet. Zach knew he was trying to take his mind off of Hannah, he could see the wheels spinning in his head.

“Thanks dude, I owe you big time.”

“I’ll add it to the list and what time are we leaving?”

“I told Beth to be ready at 5pm so we need to leave here at 4pm. I still have to stop by the florist and pick up the roses.”

“Why roses Beth’s favorite flowers are daisies.”

“I know that but Roses are the flower of love, they’re more romantic.”

“I suppose you have a point so does Beth have any idea what exactly is going to happen tonight?”

“I don’t think so she hasn’t really asked any questions or acted like she suspects anything.”

“Well that’s good because you know if she suspected anything she would be asking a million questions.”

Zach laughed as he closed the box and placed it back in his pocket. Nick couldn’t help but see the love that was etched all over Zach’s animated face as he talked about Beth. He was happy for them and couldn’t think of two people who deserved happiness more than Beth and Zach. He found himself wondering what it must feel like to know that there was someone there that would support you, love you and walk with you through whatever this life had to offer. He had never had that it had always been Nick against the world. He never let anyone close enough to see the pain and the heartache that consumed him and chipped away at his still beating heart each day. To the world he appeared to be the carefree guy with no worries and no responsibilities. He was the funny guy with all the jokes and always ready for a good time.

Nick thought of Hannah and how she had closed herself off from the world never letting anyone in. She lived alone and was only herself when she was pretending to be someone else, how ironic. She surrounded herself with ideas of what a perfect life would be like and then watched the world below her window never letting anyone in. Nick chose to deal with his pain by pretending nothing mattered beyond his next trip, next drink and next good time. That was how he dealt with the pain unlike Hannah he put himself out there but never really revealed who he really was he only let people see the illusion of what he wished he could be.

“Nick hey are you okay?”

Nick blinked as he realized he had zoned out on Zach again. He shook his head to try to shake out the cob webs that were clouding his brain. He looked sheepishly at Zach and grinned, “Sorry buddy I was off in a galaxy far, far away know as Planet Nick.”

Zach pounded him on the back, “No problem I need to go call Beth and jump in the shower.”

“Yeah, okay I’ll be here when you get ready to go.”

“Thanks Nick.”

“No problem and I hope she says yes.”

Nick laughed at the astonished look on Zach’s face as if he had never considered the idea of her saying no. He had to admit he couldn’t fathom her saying anything but yes.

“Go get ready and no worries she’ll say yes. Hell she deserves that rock for putting up with you for the last ten years.”

“You’re so funny Nicolas Jordan O’Brien, your day is coming and I personally can’t wait to see it.”

“You wish buddy, you wish.”

Zach laughed as he walked out of the room already calling Beth. Nick listened as he heard Zach’s voice laced with love softly saying her name before he closed the bedroom door. Nick longed to know exactly what that kind of love and commitment felt like. He had never been a jealous person but he had envied the love, companionship and support that Zach and Beth had with each other. He laughed as he thought of how they had grown over the years so much so that they seemed like one person always knowing what the other one is thinking, finishing each other’s sentences and always together. Nick jumped to his feet and began to pace the room looking for something to take his mind off of what ifs and what might have been if he felt he deserved to be loved.

Nick realized that soon he would be living alone for the first time ever. He had never really thought about a time when Zach wouldn’t be here. Nick wondered what he would do with all this space and silence. He was very afraid that he would have way too much time to think once Zach tied the knot and moved out. He needed to focus on something less dreary.

Zach’s lap top on the coffee table caught his eye and he decided to make some good use of his time. He started a Google search for gift and specialty shops that had been open in 1993. He watched as a list began to fill the screen. He began to click on one after another searching for just the right gifts for each birthday, Christmas, graduations and for no reason at all except that he would be thinking of her. He jotted down several items and each address before turning off the computer. He would go to the bank on Monday morning and withdraw enough money to purchase the gifts and set up an account just in case he found himself in need of money while visiting the past. He knew he was a little bit crazy and a lot delusional but he had a plan and he prayed to a God he wasn’t sure he believed in that it worked.

Hannah lay on her bed staring at the ceiling as the shadows danced in the moonlight. She had been trying, unsuccessfully to fall asleep for hours. She glanced at the digital display on her alarm clock and saw that it was 3:30, if she fell asleep now she could still sleep for three hours. She laughed at herself she had already tried warm milk, reading how to build an atomic bomb, counting sheep, naming her unborn babies and the what if game but sleep refused to come. She sighed she knew that she would be paying for this sleepless night tomorrow in her board meeting but sleep was obviously on strike tonight.

Hannah tried to let her mind wander and of course visions of Nick filled her restless mind as well as her heart. Where was he now? How old was he? Did he remember her at all? Would he like the names Nicolas Jackson and Molly Joy that would be their twins names, what a minute where had that come from? She had picked her babies’ names out years ago but what made her think Nick would care what she named her unborn children? She was a lost cause how she let him worm his way into every aspect of her life? She closed her eyes and there he was alive in her mind. She could still see him so vividly and his voice still rang crystal clear in her ear, like crisp linen sheets blowing in the warm summer breeze so calming and refreshing like a balm to her weary soul and those eyes so blue like a field of bluebells full of wonder and mystery. She had felt as if he could see through her shield at the still beating heart that was broken beyond repair.

Hannah’s eyes fluttered open and the first thing she saw was the angel on her nightstand; the delicate ornament that hang gracefully from a small silver easel, the angel keeping watch over a babe while she slept. Hannah could see the time and care that had been put into the design and the love that seemed to flow from the tiny angel’s wings bent over the baby protecting her from the world raging outside her window. Hannah had no way of knowing if the baby was a girl, most likely it was intended to be the baby Jesus but Hannah like to think otherwise. She believed in her heart that the baby was her and that Nick was her guardian angel keeping her safe as she slept. She had asked him if he was an angel and he had readily answered no but she believed that he was the one who had been watching over her all these years and pulling her back from the precipice she always seemed to be teetering on. She had been so far gone, so despondent that first Christmas. She had been so sure that her life was over and that there was no reason for living at all. She had been sitting by the Christmas tree watching the lights as they blinked off and on reflecting off the window. She had watched as the snow fell outside so light and pretty. She could hear the laughter floating on the street as her friends ran and played but she had found it all pointless so she had sat there alone wondering why God felt it necessary to punish her that way. She knew had her daddy been alive she too would be dancing in the snow, dodging snow balls and building the biggest and best snow man on the block. Christmas had been her daddy’s favorite holiday and he had always made it special with a story every night until Christmas arrived. He would let her put a Christmas sticker on the calendar every night to mark off another day and she would be able to count how many days left until Santa arrived. She had never really believed in Santa but she had played along because she hadn’t wanted to ruin her father’s fun. Hannah swiped at the tears that were now falling on her pillow. She remembered hearing the door bell ring and Victoria dressed for a party bringing her a package. She had been curios as to what it could be and she had carefully removed the paper to reveal the fragile angel that now sat by her bed. She had reread the card a million times since that night and she still believed that Nick had been her guardian angel.

She wondered where he had been, where he was going and where in the whole wide world was he now? Had he really been an angel that was watching from above or had he just been an ordinary guy who felt bad for a little girl who had just lost her daddy? Was he old now with kids or grandkids of his own? These thoughts raced through her head as sleep finally took over and her eyes drifted closed.

The last couple of weeks had dragged on endlessly with the highlight being her unexpected visitor on that Saturday night almost two weeks ago. She smiled to herself as she remembered Zach and his smile and laughing green eyes. She had enjoyed herself more than she should have but he had been so quirky and funny how could she not join in his easy laughter and endless chatter?

After he had left her life had been long and tedious. She had cleaned the apartment, finished her laundry, shopped for groceries and found a certain blue eyed face invading her thoughts at odd times throughout her day. She tried to ignore it but the feelings that followed were so powerful and overwhelming that she couldn’t pretend they weren’t real. Hannah had tried to keep herself busy but she found her mind constantly thinking of Nick. She had no doubt in her mind that he existed and that he was out there somewhere waiting for her. She knew she had about a million in one chance of finding him but she had hope and with that hope she promised herself she would not give up. She walked around her bedroom randomly touching things and thinking of times gone by. She stopped and ran her finger over the fragile Angel that sat on her bedside table. She knew it was supposed to be a Christmas ornament but she had never been able to box it up and hide it away after the holidays were over. She could feel the smooth cool surface as her finger grazed the angel’s wing. She realized that she felt save with it by her side as if the angel were watching over her while she slept. She knew this too was silly and she had no way of proving it but she was sure that Nick had sent her this all those years ago. She had felt that Nick had wanted her to feel safe even without her dad there. Hannah swiped at the tear that silently trickled down her cheek. She raised her head to the sky and prayed for strength.

Hannah was still trying to figure out what was going on with her life. She had always taken comfort in being alone where no one could invade her personal space or hurt her on an intimate level. She had thought that by keeping people away she would never be hurt again when someone left or worse died. But now she wasn’t so sure if her plan was so great. She had never felt so out of sorts or so alive. She found herself laughing more and smiling at random strangers for no reason at all. She wondered if Maddie was right maybe she wasn’t broken just a little lost. As Hannah’s thoughts drifted to her best friend she glanced down at her watch, it was 9:30 she was supposed to meet Maddie at 10 am for brunch.

She grabbed her jacket and called down for her car. Hannah gathered her things and left the apartment. She tapped her foot as she waited for the elevator. She knew that the best apartments were the ones at top but man waiting for the elevator sucked. As the doors slid open she stepped inside to see Zach. She was a little surprised she had never expected to see him again after the other night.

“Hey Peyton isn’t it?”

Hannah could feel the blush creeping up her face. She sucked on her bottom lip should she tell him who she really is or let him continue to believe she was someone else all together? She would avoid telling him for now. She still found it rather odd that she had bumped into him twice in such a short time, really what were the odd?

“And your Zach right?”

“You remembered so how’s your morning going?”

“Well if you consider falling asleep at 4am and getting up at 6am good then good and you?”

“I am okay, stayed up way too late last night but this was by far the best weekend of my life.”

“Did you win the lottery or something?”

Zach laughed as thoughts of Beth filled his head causing him to smile like a lovesick teenager. He had never entertained the idea that she would say no but after he said the words he had suddenly found his palms sweating and his throat as dry as the Sahara desert as he waited for her to say something.

“In a manner of speaking yes, I got engaged. Beth saying yes was worth so much more than any amount of money.”

Hannah could see the silly smile that simply refused to leave his face and she knew that Beth was a lucky girl. She found herself smiling back at him and she wondered if she would ever find her Zach.

“Congratulations you look like the happiest man alive right now. I hope you know how lucky you are.”

“Oh I know trust me.”

“I’m serious some people wait their entire lives to find what you guys have so don’t ever take it for granted.”

“I know trust me, I know.”

“So you aren’t dating the super model across the hall from me so what brings you back this way?”

“I was just checking on some cameras and feeds.”

Hannah looked at him as if she had no idea what he was talking about and then she remembered the business card he had given her. He was a security specialist.

“You do the security for the building?”

“Guilty as charged. I was working that Friday night so I figured since my night was blown and Beth was working I mine as well work on my paper for school.”

Hannah looked at her feet and hated lying to Zach about who she was. She found that she really liked him and would love to meet his Beth. She had never actually felt the urge to make friends but she felt so at ease with Zach and he was just nice.

“Smart man you use your time wisely.”

“So where are you headed today?”

“I am having brunch with a friend and then I have a meeting.”

The elevator stopped on the fifth floor and the doors slowly opened. “Well this is my floor. Have a good day and call me sometime I would love for you to meet Beth.”

Hannah found herself nodding her head, “Ok someday soon.”

Zach smiled back, “Soon.”

Hannah waved as the doors silently slid closed. She waited for the elevator to descend to the lobby and as the doors began to open she was already filling lighter somehow, happier. She bounced out of the elevator and headed to the front door. She waved at Carson as she passed the open office. He was talking on the phone and waved absently as she continued to the car waiting out front. Hannah handed Russ a tip as she jumped in and took off. She hit shuffle on the CD changer and waited to see what song came on. The bittersweet notes of Back to December filled the car. She found herself humming along with the song and wishing she could go back in time. If she could change things she would go back to a warm summer day in June and make everything alright, oh how different her life might be now. She could feel her good humor slowly slipping away as she remembered the hospital, beeps, flashing lights, and the sound of pounding feet running across the hall from one room to another. Nurses and doctors telling her everything would be alright but little did they know how wrong they were.

Hannah pulled into a parking garage and killed the engine as the silent tears fell endlessly down her face. She wished she could forget it would be so much easier if she could but her heart would never let her forget what had happened that day and how if she had done even one little thing differently the outcome of that fateful day might have been different. She reached in the glove box and pulled out a Kleenex and dabbed at her cheeks. She caught her reflection in the rearview mirror and cringed at the sight of her tear stained face. She grabbed her makeup bag out of her purse and tried to hide the truth under fake smiles and powder. She sighed as she knew that Maddie would see right through her veiled attempts to hide the truth of whom and what she was. She snapped the mirror closed and dropped it in her shoulder bag and climbed out of the car.

Hannah walked down the block to the café on the corner and saw Mad already sitting in the tiny outdoor garden. She waved like a mad man as she rounded the corner. She stood by the table as Maddie stood to hug her close.

“Hannah what’s wrong?”

Hannah laughed a shaky laugh as she shrugged her shoulders, unsure how to answer the simple question. She trusted Maddie with her life and her most intimate secrets but she had never really let Maddie see who she really was. In all honesty no one knew the real Hannah for she had buried her so far beneath the pain and grieve that even Hannah couldn’t remember who she really was or who she might have been had her life been different.

“Maddie I suppose I am just feeling sentimental, now tell me what are you doing sitting outside in the cold?”

Maddie laughed at the expression on Hannah’s face, “We’re not eating out here but I was walking over from the office and saw you coming around the block so I waited.”

Hannah nodded and smiled as Maddie took her hand and pulled her to the door. She could smell the rich aroma of coffees, nuts and hot chocolate her one weakness. She ordered a cup of cocoa and a bran muffin. She half listened as Maddie chatted with the owner about Thanksgiving and the rush that would be the rest of the Holiday season once Friday hit. Hannah wasn’t concerned about shopping or presents she did all her gift buying on line and she only had two people to buy for anyway so it was rather easy for her. She walked aimlessly around the room looking at the pictures that dotted the walls of times and events in the history of the family business. She sat by the big picture window watching as people walked down the busy sidewalk she wondered who they were and where they were going. She could see a mother with her twin boys walking to the bus stop and a man in a Bradbury coat talking furiously on the phone. She tried to imagine what he might be saying, was he talking to his wife who he loathed while his sexy mistress waited on the corner for him to join her? Was he yelling at his personal assistant for scheduling his lunch meeting at noon instead of 1? Or maybe he was hearing the inevitable truth that his girlfriend was a lying cheating witch. She was brought out of her wool gathering by the sound of the chair across from her scraping the floor as Maddie sat down.

“Sorry about that Martin is such a nice guy; his family has owned this place for over fifty years. I love it here but I am a little surprised that Starbucks hasn’t put him out of business.”

Hannah looked at the nice looking man and winked in Maddie’s direction, “Is he married? He is rather nice in the looks department.”

Hannah watched as Maddie giggled and her cheeks turned a soft rose color. Maddie began to pour cream and sugar into her rich black coffee trying to avoid Hannah’s watchful eye

“Come on Mad, you can pick my brain but you clam up at the mention of Martin is it? Fess up girl, you like him don’t you?”

Maddie looked over her shoulder at the tall black haired man with the piercing black eyes. She shrugged her shoulders and looked back at Hannah.

“As far as I know he doesn’t have a wife unless she’s chained up in the basement.”

“Then what my dear girl are you waiting for? He is gorgeous and he quite obviously has a thing for you.”

Maddie’s cheeks turned a deeper red while she shook her head no, “He does not have a thing for me.”

“Ok continue to delude yourself Mad, but just remember I told you so.”

Maddie laughed as she took a sip of her coffee. Hannah was enjoying her diet coke unaware of Maddie’s watchful eye. Maddie wasn’t sure what was happening with Hannah but she seemed to be transforming right before her eyes. She was no longer that withdrawn young woman who was afraid to look at the world around her much less take part in it. Maddie knew she still had a long way to go but at least now she was actually seeing the possibilities that surrounded her.

“So how are you really Hannah?”

Hannah fiddled with her muffin and tried to sort out her muddled thoughts. She wasn’t sure what to tell Maddie without telling her everything and she already knew how she felt about Nick. Hannah thought it best to keep any mention of Nick out of today’s visit.

“I’m good I think.”

Maddie nodded, “I can see a spark in your eye today and you seem so happy. Tell me did something happen today?”

Hannah smiled as she thought of Zach, “Well do you remember me telling you about the funny guy who knocked on my door last weekend?”

“Sure he was doing a survey or something?”

“Yeah that’s the one, well I ran into him again today.”

Maddie stopped stirring her coffee and looked up as alarm bells went off in her head. The same guy that wasn’t random that was planned.

“Hannah, what do you know about this guy?”

Hannah could hear the alarm tainting Maddie’s normally controlled voice. She was thinking that Zach had ulterior motives but what? How could he possibly know who she really was or what had happened to her all those years ago?

“Maddie he doesn’t know who I am.”

“Hannah you are the daughter of one of the richest men in the world. You have lived a sheltered life out of the public eye for 17 years. Come on Hannah reporters have been trying to get to you since you were born and after your dad died you kind of disappeared.”

Hannah looked at Maddie and knew she was right, “Mad my dad kept me safe and when he died no one knew who I was. When he died no one even knew I was at the funeral.”

Maddie could see the lost little girl peering at her across the table. She loved Hannah and would kill anyone who tried to hurt her. She had no idea how cruel people could be when it came to money and fame.

“Hannah all I am saying is be careful. Your dad made sure that no one could hurt you but now you have to take care of you. Can you imagine what a reporter would do if they could get the inside scoop on Hannah Roberts: The Little Girl Lost All Grown Up”, it would be crazy.”

Hannah knew she was right and she could still see the headlines after her dad died, “Hannah Roberts the Little Girl Lost. They had no idea how right they had been and still were.

“I know all that Maddie why do you think I have been so careful all these years? Why do you think I closed myself off from the world outside?”

Maddie could see the tears trembling on the edge Hannah’s bottom eyelid. She ached for her friend but she had to make Hannah realize the truth behind herself inflicted exile.

“Hannah I think you locked yourself away in the top of that penthouse apartment and watched the world outside your window like some fairytale princess waiting for her prince to come but Hannah this is the real world and there’s no such thing as prince charming. There are just ordinary guys who make mistakes and screw up every day but somewhere out here there is a guy who will love you he may not be perfect he’ll be perfect for you.”

Hannah knew that Maddie was right but she wasn’t ready to admit it. She raised her napkin to her eyes to catch the tears that were threatening to fall. She hoped when she found him that his name was Nick.

“Maddie is it so hard to believe that maybe just maybe that Zach is a nice guy and maybe he likes me for me? Why does he have to be some bloodthirsty reporter or some money hungry monster? I have managed to keep the vultures at bay for twenty-five years do you think I would let them in now?”

Maddie reached across the table and patted Hannah’s hand, “I know I just want you to be careful.”

Hannah laughed through her tears, “Mad that’s one thing I will always be, hell it’s been ingrained in me since I was born.”

Maddie nodded her head in agreement and looked at her watch, “Hannah it’s almost 11 and I have an appointment at 11:15. Some guy from the pentagon.”

Hannah knew Maddie was sworn to secrecy due to the nature of her contract with the government but she wondered what the guy or girl’s story was and if Mad would be able to help.

“Well I hope things work out for him or her.”

“It’s some science genius who has unresolved issues from his childhood that may or may not be affecting his current assignment.”

Hannah wasn’t really paying attention to the words coming out of Maddie’s mouth. She was entranced by a tall brown haired figure walking down the sidewalk with his hands shoved in his pockets and a pair of dark aviator glasses covering his eyes. She was almost sure that if he were to remove the glasses she would see a pair of electric blue eyes.

Chapter Six Cold Empty Spaces

CHAPTER SIX
COLD EMPTY SPACES
Hannah stared out the window and wondered if it would be wrong to run out without saying goodbye to Maddie. She wanted to rush out the door and catch up with the guy in the aviator glasses. She had to see the eyes behind them to know she wasn’t crazy and that it was Nick and that he was real. She pushed away from the table just as Maddie began to talk again. She pulled her eyes away from the window and looked across the cold empty space at her friend. She had to get a grip and stop having these crazy impulses. She had always been a sensible person she played it safe and she didn’t take chances what had gotten into her?

“Ok Maddie thanks for the bagel and the diet coke but I have to run I am due at the office for a board meeting that isn’t going to be fun. I’ll talk to you later?”

“Of course I’ll give you a call later today to see how things went.”

“Ok good luck with your mystery guy.”

Hannah smirked at Maddie as her eyes drifted to Martin still standing at the counter with his eyes on Maddie. He straightened and looked away sheepishly as he realized Hannah had caught him staring.
Maddie wasn’t sure if Hannah had been referring to her client or Martin.

“Umm thanks I guess.”

Hannah leaned across the space that separated them and hugged Maddie, “Mad the guys is crazy about you anybody could see it. Promise me you will talk to him?”

Maddie began to follow Hannah to the door when she heard her name drifting across the room. She looked over her shoulder and saw Martin walking toward her. She blushed and stopped.

“I’ll call you later after my appointment which obviously I am going to be late for.”

“Trust me if I don’t hear from you soon I’ll be knocking on your door later.”

Maddie laughed as Hannah pushed the door open and disappeared in the midmorning flow of traffic heading to the business district.

Maddie wasn’t sure what to do or say so she waited as Martin spoke to a few of his regulars on his way to the door. Maddie wondered how her hair looked and if she was perspiring as much as she felt like she was. She began to pull at her jacket as the temperature in the room seemed to go up a hundred degrees, she felt as if she were in a sauna.

“Hey Maddie I was just wondering if you might want to go have drinks with me one night after work?”

Maddie looked up into those magnetic black eyes and she felt her knees grow weak just looking at him. She reached for the door to steady herself. She took a deep breath and smiled at Martin, my but he was gorgeous.

“I would love to let me give you my number and you can give me a call.”

She reached in her messenger bag and took out her business card. She then took a pen and wrote her personal cell phone number on the back.

“There you go just call me.”

Martin took the card and immediately put it in his pocket. He took two steps eliminating all the space that was between them and leaned in and dropped a chaste kiss on her rosy cheek. He laughed as he saw the wide-eyed surprise that filled Maddie’s face.

“I’ll call now you better get to work and have fun psychoanalyzing me.”

Maddie looked away from his amused expression. She realized he was joking as her soft laughter mingled with his and she found that she really liked the sound. She waved as she walked out the door and began to walk quickly down the street she was late and for her appointment and that was something that never happened well at least not until today.


Nick was walking down the sidewalk on his way to an appointment with a shrink. He felt this was a complete waste of time, he did not need therapy. He was oblivious to the people rushing past him on their way to and from God knew where. He felt a nudge as a woman passed him as if she was late for an important date and he wondered if she was Hannah. He knew he was obsessing but it seemed that every woman he saw over the age of 20 reminded him in some way of how he imagined Hannah to be. As he continued down the street he focused on the sidewalk under his feet to keep from wondering if every face he saw was her. He rounded the corner and saw two women through a coffee shop window and once again he wondered.

He knew where she worked, where she lived and he knew that Zach had talked to her. He could have gone to her and told her his story, their story but he was waiting. He had set a plan in motion and for it to work he had to wait just a few more weeks.

He was hoping that by the time Christmas arrived that she would be ready to meet him. He wondered how she liked the gifts that he had picked out for her and had had delivered at random times over the years. He had tried to pick just the right thing to let her know that she was on his mind and always in his heart. Ok so maybe he did need therapy because this whole little plan of his was completely insane. What if he had screwed her up worse than she had been in the first place and why was he playing devil’s advocate with himself?

He stopped on the sidewalk and looked at the name on the door, Dr. Madeline Jacobs. He wondered what kind of miracle worker Dr. Jacobs must be if she had any chance of cracking his shell. He pushed the door open and walked up to the receptionist, a voluptuous, young blonde. He could see the way she was appraising him as he crossed the room. He removed his sunglasses and gave her his best smile.

“Hello,” he paused as he lifted the name plate on the desk, “Barbie I have an appointment at 11:15 with Dr. Jacobs.”

“Yes sir, Mr. O’Brien please take this and fill out the front and back.”

She handed Nick a clipboard with a paper for past medical history. He could feel Barbie’s eyes following him across the room as he sat on the overpriced chair in the corner. He filled in the appropriate information and left the rest blank. He had no previous illnesses or medical issues; he was as healthy as a horse unless of course you could die of a broken heart. He laughed of all his accomplishments he had yet to come up with a cure for the biggest sickness of all heartache.

He took the clipboard and ink pen back to Barbie, seriously who named their kid Barbie? Well at least she had the looks to go with the name. He could see her leaning on the desk toward him in a much too provocative manner. He watched as she ran a finger tip across her bottom lip and he wondered if he was secretly being filmed in an adult entertainment movie.

“The doctor will be with you soon Mr. O’Brien. If there’s anything I can do for you just let me know.”

She overemphasized the last sentence while she undressed him with her eyes. He chose to ignore her and returned to his seat in the corner. He picked up a magazine and began to flip through not really looking at the pictures or articles but more for something to keep his mind off of what he was really doing here. Lucas thought he had changed the date on purpose when he wasn’t looking. The team knew about his family it was all in the report so logically they thought he was going back to change what happened. The funny thing was that the thought had never entered his mind until Lucas asked him about it; now the idea was just stuck there along with the why’s and what if’s.

As the sunlight filtered through the curtains Nick found himself wondering about Hannah again. What was she doing, where was she at? Was she at the book store reading to some lucky little kid, stuck in some tedious board meeting or asleep in her bed dreaming of a simpler time and place. Nick could still see her as that scared little girl and he ached to see the amazing woman she had grown up to be.

He shuffled his feet as he glanced at the clock that seemed to be frozen in place. His appointment was scheduled for 11:15 so where the hell was the good doctor? He had a dozen things to do today, all of which were more important than this little visit with a shrink. He refused to believe that he was crazy, delusional or losing his grip on reality so what was the point again? Oh yeah his eccentric colleagues thought he was nuts. He laughed as he wondered if they had looked in the mirror lately.

Nick rose to his feet to leave the stuffy pretentious office when Barbie called his name, “Mr. O’Brien, Dr. Jacobs will see you now.”

Nick could see Barbie leaning against the door that led to Dr. Jacobs’ office. He wished he could walk around her without touching her but there was no way to avoid grazing her skin as he passed. He heard the door close behind him as he took the seat across from the doctor.

As she raised her head and smiled he almost gasped. It wasn’t the fact that she was around his age or that she was rather pretty that caught his attention. It was however that she was one of the ladies he had seen in the café window just minutes earlier. He supposed that was why he had had to wait. He studied her heart shaped face and her hazel eyes and he thought for a moment that she might be Hannah but that was ridiculous she was Dr. Madeline Jacobs. There was something about her that reminded him of the girl that he couldn’t forget. He could see that she was studying his chart with curiosity and that she too was looking at him as if she knew him.

“Sorry to have kept you waiting Mr. O’Brien.”

‘No problem Ms. Jacobs. So where do we begin?”

Nick might not need therapy but he was intrigued with Madeline Jacobs and he wanted to get to know her. He felt she might bring him closer to Hannah, the similarities had to be more that a coincident.

“Just relax and tell me a little bit about yourself?”

“Fine my name is Nicolas Jordan O’Brien. I am 26 years old and the sole heir to O’Brien Pharmaceuticals’. My great, great grandfather started the company in 1893. I come from a long line of genetic physicists. My family has created life altering medicines and allowed people to live longer and healthier lives. I however have chosen a different route for my genius.”

Maddie watched the guarded look in Nick’s eyes as he referred to his family in a detached almost cold manner. He spoke of them as if he had no connection to them at all, as if he had only read about them in reports and medical journals. She found that odd and a little scary. As she tried to listen to his words all she could see in his blue orbs were cold empty spaces. It was as if he were reading a script that had no meaning or relevance to his life. She flipped through the folder in her hand and tried to trace a root to the underlying problem. A date caught her eye and she stopped listening to Nick all together as she read.

The article she held in her hand only one of dozens published about the renowned Dr. Nathaniel Jordan O’Brien’s death. He along with his pregnant wife, six year old twin daughters Molly Joy and Elizabeth Ann had been killed in a traffic accident on Sunday June 19, 1993. The sole survivor had been his nine year old son Nicolas Jordan O’Brien and the 40 year old drunk driver who had caused the five car collision. Also involved in the catastrophic event had been Davis William Roberts CEO of Roberts Publishing and owner of Hannah’s Corner Shelf the children’s bookstore on Fillmore St, Barry Lynn, and Sydney Grace the 28 year old talk show host of Love and Laughs. Maddie laid the paper down and stared at the man sitting across from her. She had found him after all these years she had found him. Hannah’s Nick was real and he was not a forty year old man. She smiled and tried to compose herself but her heart was beating like a drum and she was sure that Nick could hear it echoing in the small confines of her office, it had never seemed so small before. She had no idea how to proceed from here. She placed the article back in the folder and smiled in Nick’s general direction.

“Mr. O’Brien what do you mean a different direction for your genius?”

Nick could see the wheels turning in the good doctor’s head. He gave her his best smile, “Please just call me Nick.”

“Ok Nick, what direction have you chosen for your genius?”

“I wanted to try to prevent diseases from the point of conception. I discovered a way to alter the fabric of time as we know it. I feel that if we can travel back in time and study how illnesses and diseases began we may be able to find a cure that will stop the spread of aids, diabetes, cancer and such disasters as the Spanish Influence of 1918 and the black plague.”

Maddie heard the explanation and she was overwhelmed by what this could mean. Had he actually traveled back to the day of his families wake? Had he actually met Hannah without knowing that her father had been involved in the accident that had taken his families lives? Was this even possible?

“Ok so let me get this straight you have discovered a way to go back to specific dates in the past and alter medicine so that the diseases that are running rapid and killing hundreds of thousands of people today can be prevented from ever happening?”

“In theory of course, you see I need to go back to the beginning and isolate the cells and genes that were first infected. If I can watch the growth and find the initial cause then I may be able to find the antidote to stop it.”

“And if that doesn’t work?”

“Then there is the possibility of taking the medicines that we have today and allowing people to live longer and healthier lives. Think about it Ms. Jacobs what if some of the great minds of our past had been allowed to live longer? What if we could go back and change the past to make a better future?”

Maddie was trying desperately to follow Nick’s train of thought but she was drowning in too much information. This was absolutely incredible but would it really work? Would he be able to change things in the past without it affecting the present in an adverse way? She wondered what the repercussions of playing god would be.

“I think in theory it sounds wonderful but in reality I think it could have devastating repercussions.”

Nick could see the look in her eyes as if she was the judge and jury and she had found him guilty of some unspoken crime. He studied her and again he felt as if he knew her. The way she narrowed her eyes at him and the way her brow furrowed in deep thought; it was as if he were looking at a Hannah all grown up. He shook his head in frustration he was seeing her everywhere he looked and in everyone he spoke to.

“Look Dr. Jacobs I know you think I am completely mad and talking out of my head but trust me time travel is possible.”

Maddie watched his eyes and the truth she saw reflected back at her. She did believe him and she was a hundred percent sure that he had traveled back to a certain day in June of 1993. She wondered if he was worthy of the pedestal that Hannah had put him on. She could see why Hannah had idolized him all these years he was truly beautiful and she could see how he could be charming in a different time and place. Maddie asked herself if he was right for Hannah, did he deserve someone as sweet and kind as Hannah.

“Nick I don’t think you’re crazy or that you are talking out of your head. I do however think that if I were you I would have ulterior motives for making time travel possible.”

Nick knew exactly what Dr. Jacobs was referring to and he was yet again amazed at how everyone thought he had spent every waking moment since childhood planning to change his family’s tragic accident. He laughed at how ironic it was that everyone saw it but him. He had never even entertained the idea of going back to the day his family died, it just never occurred to him. He realized that it was rather obvious now in hind sight.

“I swear to you that my only reason for time travel was to help make the future a better place and I never thought of changing my family’s fate. I guess I should have since everyone automatically assumed that was my motivation for the whole adventure with time. I mean really it’s all a matter of mind over matter.”

Maddie wasn’t sure what to make of that but she would let it go for now. She wondered what Nicolas Jordan O’Brien was hiding behind those cool blue eyes and tousled brown hair. She wanted to figure out how his mind worked and how she could help him fight the demons that she could see hiding in the depths of his beautiful yet troubled eyes.

“Ok so let me play devil’s advocate here for a moment. Why stop with preventing diseases? Why not go back to specific dates and stop say the assignation of Abraham Lincoln or JFK?”

Nick had thought of that in his explorations and studies of human nature. He knew that if his project became public knowledge he would be flooded with requests from births to deaths to events. He rubbed his head as if the very thought gave him a headache.

“I know that people all over the world would be hounding me to go back and change ‘just one little thing’ and I know that I have been lucky up until this point. I honestly don’t want to think about the utter chaos that would follow me if my experiment becomes public or worse viral. I also know that with any great discovery there will always be people who would undermine the greater good for their own selfish wants and out and out greed. I have never put my personal wants or needs ahead of what this accomplishment could mean for our society and life as we know it. I will not do anything to change what has already happened in people’s lives. I am aware of how one small change could cause a ripple effect and set things in motion that are beyond my or anyone else’s control. “

Maddie was glad to know that Nick understood the responsibility that was now on his shoulders. He was definitely one of the good guys and Maddie knew she had to help him deal with the loss of his family and his life as he had known it. She watched as he looked out the window at the tiny flakes of snow that had begun to fall and she could see that his mind was a million miles away. She watched rather intrigued as his face transformed right before her eyes and she could see the soft traces of a smile playing on his face, as his lips gently curved toward the ceiling and his eyes drifted closed and contentment was etched in every plane and angle of his face. She found herself unable to look away from his enchanted face and she longed to know what private moment he was lost in.

Nick could hear the doctor’s voice fading in the background until he had all but forgotten that she was in the room at all. He was drifting back in his memories of a time and place that brought him a sense of peace and love. He could see the day as if it had been only yesterday. He had been seven and MJ and Lizzie had been four. It had been the middle of February and school had been dismissed due to snow. He had watched out the school bus window as they drove slowly and cautiously down the streets. He could see toddlers making snow angels with their mothers and some teenagers having a snowball fight. He knew when he got home his dad would be waiting with the sled. They had walked to the top of Grant’s hill and slid down. His dad had timed every kid as they slid down the hill. Nick had been the fastest and he could still see the pride shining in his dad’s eyes as he reached down to pick him up and carry him across the field. He and his dad had played all afternoon outside throwing snowballs, building a snow fort and finally building the biggest snowman on the block. MJ and Lizzie had tried to help but they spent most of the day watching from the patio door. They had stood with their little faces pushed up to the glass pointing and laughing at the antics of their heroes, dad and big brother Nick. He could almost feel the snow as it hit his upturned face as he moved his arms and legs in the cold snow covered ground. His dad had pulled him up and lifted him into the air so that his snow angel would be perfect. He had thought it was beautiful and he had been proud of himself as MJ and Lizzie clapped and squealed with excitement. They played until twilight and his mother called that the chili and hotdogs were ready. He watched the flakes as they covered the window ledge. He was brought out of his trip down memory lane by the sound of the snow turning to ice as it hit the window pane. He straightened his shoulders and looked sheepishly at Dr. Jacobs and he wondered what she must think of him.

“Nick? You okay?”

“Sure I’m fine and you?”

“Good thanks for asking. I think maybe we should switch gears here. I want you to tell me about your childhood.”

Nick looked across the desk and wondered if Dr. Madeline Jacobs had failed to put mind reader on her profile. Zach had done a little digging to see how qualified she was and what Nick could expect from this mandatory visit.

“What exactly do you want to know that isn’t in that file?”

Maddie picked up the file and waved it in front of Nick’s face, “This is newspaper articles, photos, medical reports, hospital records and the story of a scared little boy who blames himself for the death of his entire family but this does not define who and what you are. I want to know the real Nicolas Jordan O’Brien. I want to know what makes you tick. I want to know the real you not the carefree slacker that you let the rest of the world see. Do your friends or acquaintances even know that you are a genius in genetics? Do they know that you are one of the smartest men in the country that any college, government agency or medical field would pay millions of dollars to have on their team?”

Nick placed his elbows on his knees and leaned forward. He watched her every facial expression and wondered how she could possibly know so much about him.

“I can see you did your homework Dr. Jacobs. You seem to think that you know me but you don’t.”

“I read the file but again the file doesn’t really tell the story of Nicolas Jordan O’Brien, does it?”

“I guess not. I know that I should be thankful to be alive but in reality not a day goes by that I don’t ask why me? Why did I live? Why didn’t I die too?”

Maddie could see the pain radiating from the white knuckles on his clenched hands and the grief that was contorting his face like a wound that refused to heal. He was trying to pretend like his family’s death meant nothing to him but Maddie could see how much it tore him apart and chipped away at his heart a little more each day.

“Nick you have to come to terms with what happened. You will never be able to be truly happy until you have resolved that one moment that changed your life forever.”

Nick could hear the words coming out of her mouth but he refused to believe what she said. He couldn’t talk about what really happened that day. He couldn’t admit out loud that it was his fault that his family was dead.

“I know what happened to my family and I deal with it every day so I have dealt with it in my own way. There isn’t anything you can say to me that I haven’t already heard a thousand times before. I know I can’t change what happened and I know I should be thankful that I am here today but somehow at the end of every day I still ask why.”

Maddie could see the hostility that laced every word he spoke in his firm unwavering voice. She knew she wasn’t going to get anywhere with this route it was too soon. She smiled at Nick and tried to sound apologetic.

“Nick I am sorry I know this is painful to talk about. I will tell you that I can see that you care more than you want to admit. I know that you loved your family very much and for some misguided reason you feel guilty about what happened. I have to say that it wasn’t your fault you were a nine year old kid on your way to a baseball game.”

Nick nodded his head as he stared at the floor. He knew she was reciting what was in the profile but he knew that it was all lies; the truth was that the blood of his family was and would always be on his hands.

“I hear you doc and thank you for your concern. “

“So Nick what if anything has given you comfort or support for the last seventeen years?”

Nick could see Hannah’s face in his head and he wished he had known her seventeen years ago. He knew with almost certainty that she would have been his sole reason for breathing. He couldn’t explain it and he didn’t even understand it himself but he felt connected to her in a way that he had never felt with anyone else.

“I don’t know I have lots of friends and acquaintances but no one that really sticks out as special.”

Even as he said the words he knew he was lying and it left a bitter taste in his mouth. He immediately thought of Zach and the Ryan family and Hannah was there as well. He wondered if it was possible that somehow all these years he had been waiting for that one accidental meeting. He asked himself if he had been waiting for Hannah his entire life without even knowing it.

“So you’ve never really been close to anyone you’re everyone’s best friend but you keep people at an arm’s length; you never let anyone get to close.”

“Your pretty good doc but what does that really mean? I am a young guy with no ties and no responsibilities. I am free to do or go wherever I choose and if I never came home who would miss me? I have friends but they have their own lives that don’t revolve around me. I am the guy that everyone wants to be friends with but not the guy you call when things go wrong.”

Maddie looked at the file and saw that Nick had been placed in several foster families until he was placed with the Ryan’s and that was where he had stayed.

“What about the Ryan family? Are you close to them?”

Nick looked up from the floor he had been staring at and focused on Maddie. He didn’t want to talk about his childhood.

“I care about them and in answer to your question Zach Ryan is my best friend. I would do anything for that guy and he would do the same for me. When people think of their childhood it’s supposed to be a time of discovery, learning new things, growing into the person that you’ll be someday. When something happens to change the very foundation all of your beliefs are based on you tend to lose your way. I was one of the lucky ones I was placed with the Ryan’s and they helped a kid find another way not the same way, not a better way just a different way. They helped make a very bad situation better.”

Maddie could see that she had touched a nerve and that he was very protective of the Ryan family, specifically Zachary Ryan.

“I feel it safe to say that the Ryan’s are the exception to your rule. Zach wormed his way into your life and before you knew it he was your friend. He probably annoyed you but you thought he needed protecting and so a bond was forged that grew over time into a friendship without you even realizing it. Zach and the Ryan’s are the only thing close to family in your life right now.”

“Yes he is like a brother to me. I don’t really know what you’re fishing for here doc but I think my sixty minutes are up and I need to get to work.”

Maddie hadn’t realized the time had passed so quickly. She pushed her chair away from her desk and stood to her feet. She walked with Nick to the door.

“So Mr. O’Brien I’m sorry to have met you under such circumstances but it was nice to meet you. I will see you next week same time same place.”

Nick shook Maddie’s outstretched hand and knew that he liked her despite her chosen field of expertise. He had to admit that she could read people rather well.

“I’ll see you then and next time try to be on time.”

Nick winked as he turned and walked out the door. Maddie watched as he walked across the lobby and out the front door as if he owned the place. She knew he was cocky, charming, calm and trying to forget a past that was always on his mind.

Maddie closed the office door and sat back down at her desk and looked at the file. She knew it was wrong on so many levels but she picked up the phone and dialed. She listened restlessly at the shrill ringing, she was about to hang up when she heard a breathless voice floating over the line. She waited as she was put on hold before she heard Hannah’s familiar voice flowing across the line.

“Hey are you busy?”

Maddie listened knowing she was headed down a wrong way turn but it was already out of her control.

“Ok listen can you meet me here around six? We can hit Fast Eddie’s for drinks and appetizers, maybe even some karaoke.”

Maddie chatted for a minute and hung up the phone. She looked through Nick’s file and read about the accident and what had followed. She had to find a way to crack his shell and get him to talk about what happened and how it had affected him. She had a feeling that he and Hannah had a lot more in common than they knew.


Hannah had walked down the street looking in store windows and trying desperately to find the man in the aviator glasses. She had finally given up and went to her board meeting. She was tired and cranky from so little sleep the previous night but her body was wired and still thinking of that man. She just knew with every fiber in her being that it had been Nick. She was brought out of her random day dream by the intercom on her desk.

“Ms. Roberts, Ms. Jacobs on line one.”

“Thanks Jess, I’ve got it.”

Hannah picked up the phone, “Hey Mad what’s up?”

“Hey are you busy?”

Hannah listened absentmindedly as Maddie rattled on about drinks and appetizers and did she just say Karaoke?”

“Sure Mad, that sounds good all except the karaoke. However if you feel like making a fool of yourself I’ll liquor you up and put your name in the hat. I will be the designated driver.”

“If I’m getting up there then so are you.”

Hannah laughed at Maddie’s voice drifting over the phone. She sounded a bit resigned as if something were weighing heavily on her mind but what had happened in the short time since she had left her at the Café?

“Mad are you okay? What happened with Martin? Did he take you to meet his wife in the basement?”

Maddie laughed, “No actually he asked if I wanted to have drinks with him sometime.”

“Maddie that’s great I told you he had a thing for you.”

“Yeah ok so were right. Listen I have another appointment so I’ll see you at six okay?”

“Okay see you then.”

Hannah replaced the phone on the cradle and smiled at the thought of Maddie with Martin. She wondered what his last name was and if things would work out for them. She knew Maddie had been through hell after her divorce and that she was reluctant to get back out there. Hannah couldn’t really fault her for that at least she had been out there and took a chance that was more than Hannah could say for herself. She found herself thinking of Nick and wondering what he might be doing at that very moment.

Nick made his way to the office and wondered what Lucas had planned for today. He wanted to try to go back again but he had to wait and to see how the team wanted to proceed with his project now. It really got under his skin that this was all his and now they wanted to act like he was some kind of traitor. What had happened to loyalty and innocent until proven guilty? He sighed as he pulled into the parking garage and parked his car. He grabbed his bag and headed to the elevator. He impatiently waited for the door to open and then he had to wait again as the elevator made the trip to the top floor. He tapped his foot impatiently and glanced at his watch it was almost 1pm. He rushed out the door as soon as it opened and headed to the meeting room. He could see through the floor to ceiling windows there was Lucas, Damien, Marcus and Zach sitting around the table laughing and shooting the breeze but he knew as soon as he walked in that the temperature in the room would be frigid and all pretend normalcy would be gone. He took a deep breath in and pushed the door open and stepped in the room.

He nodded at the team as he took his seat next to Zach. He could see the concerned look on Zach’s face and he knew what was coming next. Zach leaned close and whispered, “So how was the shrink?”

Nick grinned at Zach he always knew how to lighten things up even when Nick wanted to kill someone.

“Not bad we’ll talk about it later.”

“Oh you bet we will tonight your going with me and Beth to Fast Eddie’s.”

Nick wasn’t sure that was such a great idea, he really wasn’t in the party mood. He looked at Zach skeptically.

“I don’t know man.”

“Come on Nick you have to be there it’s congratulation on getting hitched get together. Everybody’s coming. Carson and Mac, Blake and Abby, Dean and Steph and of course Carter, Hunter and Eli will be dropping in as well. Nick you are my best friend and you have to be there.”

Nick knew this was important to Zach and despite his crappy day and his undying need for peace and quiet he would go to this little party. He slapped him on the back as he agreed to go. He settled back in his chair as Damien began to talk about security protocols and the importance of trust and loyalty between each team member. He was right and Nick was well aware of the fact that he had crossed that line when he didn’t tell them about the initial glitch. He had been forced to tell Lucas when his tests had gone haywire due to the difference in time. He had traveled back over seventeen years rather than the one year it had been set for. Nick propped his feet up with his hands behind his head as he listened to the idle talk that floated around him. He knew he had no choice but to let them test the machine on someone else and see if they too ended up in 1993. He knew Zach would fill him in on anything of importance so he zoned out and let thoughts of Hannah fill his overloaded mind.

Hannah walked down the crowded snow covered street until she reached Maddie’s office. She knew she was a little early so she walked on to Martin’s café. She could see him through the window talking to his friends and customers. She pushed the door open and walked inside.

Martin looked up to see Maddie’s friend he thought her name was Hannah. He was surprised at how much she resembled Maddie. He had always heard that when a couple had been together for years that they began to look alike, he wondered if the same was true for best friends.

“Hannah what brings you by?”

“Hi Martin I don’t know that we have been formally introduced. I am Maddie’s oldest friend.”

“I know she talks about you all the time. So how are you?”

“I’m good thanks and you?”

Martin smiled and nodded his head, “Great so what can I get you a coffee to go?”

Hannah wrinkled her nose, “No sorry I don’t do coffee I am a diet coke girl. I’m on my way to meet Maddie for drinks and appetizers at Fast Eddie’s and I thought you might want to join us.”

Martin looked at the clock and saw that he had an hour until he closed. He knew that his brother Carter could handle the clean up so why not?

“Ok I have to be here until 7 but I’ll meet you guys there?”

Hannah smiled, “Perfect see you then.”

Hannah waved as she left the Café and headed to Maddie’s office. She wondered again what had been on Maddie’s mind earlier. She had not been herself and she knew that something had happened but what on earth could have made her sound so resigned and dejected when her day had started out so great? She walked into the office and saw Barbie the receptionist packing her bag to head home. Hannah smiled in her direction as she waved her to the office.

Hannah knocked on the closed door as she pushed it open. Maddie was putting some files in her bag and trying to smile at Hannah.

“Hi Hannah I’m impressed your right on time.”

Maddie looked in the mirror on the wall and freshened up her lipstick. She then she tossed it to Hannah, “Here you could use this.” Hannah caught the tube of lipstick and walked to the mirror. She dabbed her lips and applied the color to her bare lips. She replaced the cap and tossed it back to Maddie.

“Ok let’s go.”

Hannah walked out of the office with Maddie and made her way to her car parked on the corner. It was only a few blocks away but in these dropping temperatures it was too cold to walk. She found a parking spot in the rear parking lot and turned off the engine. She then climbed out of the car and hit the lock button on her key ring. She followed Maddie into the club that was already throbbing with people and music. Maddie made her way to a corner booth where no one would notice them. Hannah hadn’t told her about Martin so she placed herself facing the door so she would see his arrival.

Maddie clutched her bag tightly to her chest as she searched for something inside. She pulled out a file and laid it on the table in front of her. Hannah had watched her curiously as she searched for what appeared to be work related.

“Maddie I thought this was a friendly night out not work related.”

Maddie looked from the file in front of her to her friend sitting across from her. She knew what was in this file would change Hannah’s life forever but would it end well or would it make things worse? Maddie was torn between what she felt she had to do and what she should do.

“Hannah I just want to talk not as your councilor or therapist but as your friend. How are you really?”

Hannah looked at the scarred table top and ran her finger over a set of carved initials. She wondered what Maddie wanted her to say. She already knew how Maddie felt about Nick and it wasn’t good. She looked across the table at her best friend in the entire world.

“I’m good most of the time but the nights are the worst. When the lights go out and the house is still and quiet and the only sound is the thoughts screaming in my head. When there’s no one there to see me no reason to hide behind the mask of denial and lies that have become my life.”

Maddie ached for her friend her sister and she wanted to reach out to her. She wanted to tell her that she understood exactly how she felt and that it was okay but she couldn’t say that. She couldn’t tell her that she had lost her dad too and that it was okay to hurt. She tried to form the words to express what she was feeling.

“Hannah I know it’s hard but it will be okay.”

Hannah looked back down to the old worn table and she shook her head from side to side. She sighed and continued with her thoughts.

“Did you know that right after it happened I would sit and stare at my bedroom door and will it to open? I would sit there and wait to hear the door knob rattle and the hinge squeak as my dad pushed the door open and walked in to read me a story or to ask me how my day had been. I did that for years and even now as an adult I sometimes stare at my door and expect him to come bursting through at any moment. I know how bad that sounds but even now all these years later I still expect to see him walk through my door.”

“Oh Hannah honey I am so sorry. I understand and it’s normal to feel that way.”

Hannah looked up at Maddie with tears threatening to fall. She knew Maddie meant well but really how could she possibly understand what it had been like to lose her dad in such an unexpected and devastating way? Maddie had known her dad was sick and that he only had a short time to live. She had had time to make amends and to tell him that she forgave him for never being at home and that she loved him anyway, she had had closure. Hannah had never had that and it boiled inside of her like a cyst ready to explode.

“Maddie when the realization hits that he’s really gone it hurts all over again. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of him, miss him and see him in a hundred different faces in a dozen different places. I know you think I created Nick as a way to get through what happened and you think I am completely mad. I don’t know anymore maybe I did create this perfect guy, maybe I convinced myself that he was real and maybe it is his face that blurs with my dead father’s but what if that’s all I’ve got to get me through? But Mad, what if it’s not? What if he’s real, just a nice normal guy who helped a little girl find her way in a crazy out of control world? What if the reason I still see his face so clearly is because he touched me in a way that no one else ever could? Trust me Maddie I don’t need you to tell me how crazy this sounds but I know he’s as real as you and me and please don’t sit there and tell me he’s not.”

Hannah swiped angrily at the tears that had begun to fall at some point in her tirade. She could see the bar getting blurry and she hated that she had fallen apart in such a crowded place with so many unfamiliar faces glancing at their table. She grabbed a napkin and blew her nose.

“Hannah I am going to get us some drinks but please I think you need to see this.”

Hannah watched as Maddie slid the file across the scarred and battered table top. She ran her finger over the tab that read, NICHOLAS J O’BRIEN. Hannah felt the cold empty spaces filling her soul as she opened the folder and began to read.

Chapter Seven One Drink Too Many

CHAPTER SEVEN
ONE DRINK TOO MANY

Hannah sat at the table absently rubbing her forefinger over the carved letters in the table top. For some odd reason the feel of the rough wood digging into her fragile skin gave her comfort. She looked at the dossier and all the information that made Nicolas J O’Brien or as she knew him Nick real. She had always known that he was as real as she was but she had no way of knowing what to expect if she ever found him. She could feel her heart beating like a runaway train in her chest and she was sure that at any moment it would derail plunging her into the cold dark waters that had filled her heart. She had no idea what to do, should she read the file? Should she run as if she had never seen it? She stared at the cover sheet and she willed her fingers to move. She wondered was he a middle aged man now, with a wife, kids maybe even grandkids? She wondered what his story was; what had brought him into her life so unexpectedly at a time that she had needed him more than the air she breathed? She drew in a shaky breath and scattered the papers on the table top. She sifted through magazine articles newspaper clippings, photos and that was when she saw it. A 5x 7 photo of a family of five she could see a blonde-haired beauty with stunning blue eyes laughing into the camera and Hannah could all but feel the love flowing from the picture to her, she had her hand on two little girls around the age of six or so they had the same bubbling smile and laughing blue eyes they were identical in every way behind them was also a man tall, dark and handsome with sandy brown hair and blue eyes that looked almost exactly like she remembered Nick except this man had a scar above his lip. She wondered why she had never remembered a scar on his beautiful face and then her eyes fell on the lanky kid sitting on the ground in front of his sisters. Hannah raised her hand to her trembling lips and gasped it was Nick only he wasn’t old he was only a boy a cocky, laughing little boy with his family. He looked so happy and so alive and she could see so much mischief just oozing out of his eyes and she felt a single tear sliding down her cheek. She could see that the woman, his mother was very much pregnant in the photo. Hannah began to read the article attached to the glossy photo.

Hannah slowly read the information in the file. Nick was the same age as her? How was that even possible? She had so many questions and she desperately needed the answers before her brain shut down. She looked up to see Maddie at the bar with Martin and she swiped at her tear stained face. She needed answers but she didn’t want to put Maddie in an awkward position. She watched as she crossed the room with Martin and some guy she had never seen before. She tried to smile as they sat down with her.

“Hannah isn’t it funny that Martin just happened to show up here?”

Hannah nodded at Martin, “Fancy that, so how are you Martin?”

Martin smiled at Hannah,” I’m quite well thanks.” Martin realized Hannah was looking at him expectantly, “Oh where are my manners? Ladies I would like to introduce you to my little brother, Carter. Carter this is Hannah and Madeline.”

Maddie offered her hand, “its Maddie nice to meet you Carter.”

Carter shook Maddie’s hand and smiled before looking at Hannah. His heart ached for the pain he saw flashing in her troubled eyes, “Nice to meet you both, Hannah is It?”

Hannah slid across the seat and made room for Carter to sit, “Yes Hannah Roberts, nice to meet the man who makes my muffins every day.”

Carter grinned, “Thanks glad you appreciate the art of good pastries and muffins.”

Hannah smiled she liked Carter and if she had met him on any other night she would have been riveted to his dancing black eyes and smooth as silk voice but tonight her mind was on overload. She gathered up the papers that had fallen on the table and placed them back in the file. She looked at Maddie’s watchful eye and tried to offer her a shaky smile.

“Maddie do you mind if I take this file home to finish up that amazing article?”

Maddie nodded her head, “Of course if you need help with your little project I can stay over tonight?”

Hannah nodded awkwardly at Maddie. It never ceased to amaze Hannah how well she and Maddie could read one another. Even after all these years apart they knew just when to push and offer that shoulder to cry on and when to shut the hell up and let it go. She needed Maddie now more than ever and she was so grateful for her shoulder to cry on.

“That would be perfect. We can paint each other’s toenails and call cute guys and hang up when they answer.”

Maddie laughed at Hannah’s attempt to sound like she was just another girl out for a night with friends instead of a woman who had just been given the key to a murky past.

Martin looked at them as if they were completely mad, “and what is the point of calling a guy and hanging up?’

Maddie looked at him as if he had no social skills what so ever, “Well it’s a girl thing so I don’t expect you to understand. But when you’re fourteen, in love and the guy doesn’t exactly know you exist that’s all you’ve got.”

Martin raised his eyebrows and shook his head, “Still not getting the relevance of calling and hanging up.”

Martin looked across the table at his brother who was trying not to laugh, “Don’t look at me bro, I never claimed to understand the inner workings of teen girls or beautiful women for that matter.”

Hannah looked at the brothers and realized how much alike they were. They both had the same olive skin complexion, dark brooding black eyes and amazing jet black hair. They even had the same mannerisms each sitting exactly the same way with their arms lying haphazardly across the table.

Hannah’s soft voice floated around the table. “You’d be surprised at what you can learn from the silence.”

Carter cocked his head and waited for her to continue, “Please Ms. Roberts enlighten us on what the silence has to offer.”

Hannah looked at Maddie and she could see that she was content to sit by Marin and had grown oblivious to the conversation. Hannah looked at Carter and smiled, “Well you have to listen to the back ground noise. You listen for what music is playing in the back ground or what television show is on; then you know a little about what he likes. You also listen for other voices like a girl’s voice. If you hear a girl then you know he’s interested in someone else; however the presence of another girl only makes the game that much more fun.”

Carter looked at Hannah as if she had suddenly grown a second head, “Are you serious? You can learn all that from a phone call where you don’t even speak?”

Hannah shrugged, “You’d be surprised if you stop talking long enough what you can hear.”

Carter nodded his head, “Tussah, for the record you might be surprised what you can find out if you ask the right questions.”

Hannah felt a smile tugging at her lips and she released the pent up air she had been holding in. She actually liked Carter and she wished she had met him before her world had gotten so crazy.

“Point for you, but in my defense we were fourteen we didn’t know any better.”

Carter laughed, “I find it hard to believe that you’ve ever had a problem with being noticed.”

Hannah stiffened at his teasing and she wondered did he know who she was? Did he know she was the richest little girl in the world as well as the loneliest? She looked at him from the corner of her eye and she saw his easy smile and his friendly black eyes creased with laughter. She breathed slowly in and out and tried to relax. She wondered why Carter was here, had Martin thought that she needed a date? The last thing she wanted was to lead him to believe there was any chance of this whatever this was ever evolving into anything.

“So Carter I though Martin said you had clean up duty tonight?”

Carter laughed in his brother’s general direction. “Well I had already scheduled extra help so I could get out early. One of my buddy’s is having a little party here tonight, he just got engaged.”

Hannah laughed, “It must be in the water there seems to be a lot of that going around; this guy I know got engaged recently.”

Carter laughed, “Remind me not to drink the water.” Carter looked at the bar, “Now a beer on the other hand sounds great right now.” He looked at Hannah’s untouched club soda. “Would you like a real drink?”

Hannah looked at her glass and she wondered if the repercussions would be worth the feeling of complete ignorance the alcohol would bring. She could just drink herself into oblivion and forget all about Nick and the heartbreak the truth might bring. Yes she would pay for it tomorrow but right now she wanted to laugh and act stupid and be free of this feeling of foreboding that had settled somewhere in the vicinity of where her heart had once been.

“Thanks that would be great.”

Carter slipped out of the booth and looked at Hannah, “Ok so what’s it going to be? A Shirley temple?”

Hannah shook her head, “No how about sex on the beach?”

Carter laughed, “Is that an offer or your drink request?”

Hannah could feel her cheeks flaming under his laughing eyes, “Let’s start with the drink and see where we end up.”

Carter walked toward the crowded bar still smiling. Hannah could feel Maddie’s eyes staring into her and she knew what was coming, “Hannah I need to go to the ladies room do you mind going with me?”

“Sure.”

Hannah followed Maddie to the back room filled with pool tables and dart boards. She inched along behind Maddie to the ladies room. Hannah pushed the heavy wooden door open and walked into the smoke filled room. She leaned against the counter while Maddie touched up her lipstick.

“So Hannah what’s up? You never drink so what gives?”

Hannah shrugged her shoulders and refused to look at Maddie’s searching eyes. She knew Maddie was worried about her but honestly she was old enough to have a drink if she wanted one.

“I just need to get lost for a while. I don’t want to think about Nick and where he might be or what he might be doing or doing it with.”

Maddie could hear the hurt in her child like voice, “Hannah come on don’t do this to yourself. I shouldn’t have given you the file. I thought you needed to know the truth and I wanted to tell you I’m sorry for not believing you.”

Hannah nodded her head and turned to face Maddie, “Thanks Maddie. I am glad to know that I am not crazy but I still have this fear that if he knew the me that I turned out to be he’d be disappointed. I know how crazy that sounds; I don’t know how to explain it really.”

Maddie put a reassuring hand on Hannah’s shoulder, “Hannah there’s nothing wrong with who you are. Stop beating yourself up over some guy you haven’t seen in seventeen years and we’ll figure this out.”

Hannah shrugged and turned to follow Maddie back to their table. “Listen Maddie I am about to get completely and totally drunk so please take my keys and drive us home okay?”

Maddie took the keys from Hannah’s outstretched hand and grimaced, “Hannah you know you shouldn’t do that right?”

Hannah nodded, “I know but I always follow the rules and I always play it safe so just once I want to be young, reckless and stupid.”

Maddie didn’t like the idea of Hannah acting so thoughtless and what might come from this little binge, “Hannah this isn’t about you being reckless this is about your health. You know how much this could hurt you.”

Hannah wasn’t listening to Maddie, “Mad listen I am going to forget everything for one night. I will deal with whatever comes tomorrow.”

Maddie slid into the booth and watched as Hannah half listened to the joking and talking going on around her as she drank her drink. Carter talked and laughed with her as Maddie and Martin danced on the packed dance floor. Maddie was trying to listen to Martin’s soft words whispered in her ear but she was worried about Hannah; this was not like her and Maddie wasn’t sure what to do to pull her back from the edge she was precariously hanging on. She could feel the warmth of Martin’s breath brushing her skin just under her ear and she longed to be swept away but she had to keep an eye on Hannah. As the song faded she took Martin’s hand and walked across the crowded room to their table. She could see Hannah on her third drink of the night.

“Hannah I think maybe we should call it a night.”

Hannah threw her head back and laughed, “No I don’t think so, and I distinctly remember something about karaoke.”

Maddie drew in a patient breath, “Hannah I am not getting up there by myself.”

Hannah laughed, “Don’t look at me I’m just here to watch you make an ass of yourself.”

Maddie shook her head, “I think you’ve got that covered for both of us.”

Carter could tell that Maddie was not happy with Hannah and he wondered why she was so uptight. He knew Hannah was a little tipsy but she wasn’t sloppy drunk and he found her off hand remarks to be quite funny and endearing.

“I’ll sit with Hannah if you want to put your name in the hat.”

“Thanks but I don’t think so I’ll skip it this time.” Maddie wanted to get Hannah home to a hot shower and some coffee, strong coffee. She knew it was going to be a very long night.

Carter looked up and began to wave at someone across the room. He stood to his feet, “Ladies if you’ll excuse me my friends are here.”

“Ok tell your friend congrats for me.”

Carter grinned down at Hannah’s goofy smile, “I will and you better slow down before you get really out of control.”

Hannah nodded as she was thinking how nice it would be to be that drunk. She had never been drunk because one she never went out and two she was too scared to lose control like that. She listened as Carter talked to Maddie and Martin and she thought how perfect they looked together. Martin tall, dark, mysterious and handsome paired with Maddie tall, willowy, gorgeous flowing chestnut hair and mesmerizing eyes wow she could almost see their kids on magazine covers worldwide. She heard her name and looked back at Carter.

“Hannah it was very nice to meet you. I guess I’ll see you around.”

Hannah nodded, “I’ll see you.”

She watched as he walked across the room and joined a rowdy group by the stage. She wondered who the lucky couple was. Her eyes blurred and she motioned for a waitress to come to the table she ordered another drink and ignored Maddie’s watchful eye. Hannah had every intention of getting completely drunk no matter what Madeline thought about it.

“Maddie you guys can go dance I don’t need a babysitter.”

Maddie knew Hannah wasn’t drunk yet and she hoped that common sense kept her from getting that way. She looked at Martin and agreed to one more dance before the Karaoke began. Hannah watched them as they seemed to float across the floor and melt into each other. She wondered what that must feel like; somehow she was afraid she might never know. She tipped her cup back and drained the remaining liquid and immediately waved for the waitress.

“Peyton is that you?”

Hannah heard the name but was too far gone to realize the question was directed to her. She looked up from her glass and noticed a guy leaning down and looking at her suspiciously. She quickly straightened up and tried to smile and pretend to act like she was having fun.

“Hey Zach how are you?”

Zach looked worriedly at Hannah and wondered what had brought her here and why she looked so sad. He sat down across from her and raised his voice over the booming music.

“What are you doing here; I thought you didn’t go out?”

Hannah shrugged her dejected shoulders and grimaced, “I don’t but my friend Maddie,” Hannah pointed in the direction of the dance floor, “Pretty much made me come. However she is now on the dance floor with Mr. Perfect and I am sitting here with my friend Amaretto.”

Zach looked at her glass and saw her finishing off the Amaretto sour. He wondered what had brought her to such a low point that she felt the need to drink herself into a stupor.

“Peyton maybe you should slow down a little bit.”

Hannah looked at Zach as if she had forgotten who he was. Then she pointed a shaky finger in his direction, “Look not you too, I have enough people trying to tell me what to do. And by the way I am twenty-five years old and I’ve had a very bad day, no make that a very bad life and if I chose to get drunk than that is my prerogative. Oh and by the way my name isn’t Peyton its Hannah.”

Zach could see the tears swimming in her eyes and he wondered what had brought her to this point. He looked back at the dance floor and saw a girl looking worriedly in their direction. He lifted his head and saw relief fill her face, he assumed she was Maddie.

“Hannah it’s nice to meet you. I am here celebrating my engagement. I would love for you to meet Beth if she ever gets here.”

Hannah remembered Carter’s friend, “You must be Carter’s friend.”

Zach was a little taken aback by the fact that she knew Carter. “Yeah how did you know?”

“Lucky guess,” Hannah could see the annoyed look on Zach’s face so she held her hands up, “Kidding, he told me he was meeting his friends for an engagement party.”

Zach looked over his shoulder to see Carter heading to the table, “Yeah so if you want you can come join us and I’ll introduce you to my friends.”

Hannah shook her head no, “Honestly I don’t think I’m up for that tonight, maybe next time?”

Zach could see Hannah’s fingers nervously tracing something etched on the table top and he looked closer to see initials. As he steadied the letters he realized it was the same table he and Nick had sat at a couple of weeks earlier; after he first met Hannah. He reached across the table and stopped Hannah’s fingers to see what lay beneath and it was a + sign with NO on the top and HR on the bottom. Hannah followed Zach’s eyes to the table and gasped as she took the letters in NO, Nicolas O’Brien and HR, Hannah Roberts. She rubbed her eyes and looked again expecting the letters to have changed but it was still there staring back at her. She looked at Zach and smiled, “Cute looks like a teenage crush.”

Zach knew exactly who had done it and when; what he wondered was why Hannah had such a reaction to the innocuous letters. How could she possibly know who had done it or what it meant? He never got to finish his thought before Carter was patting him on the back.

“Hey Zach the party is over there.”

“Yeah I know I just wanted to talk to Hannah.”

Carter looked back at Hannah and smiled, “You could always join us Hannah.”

She knew that was a very bad idea, “Thanks but I think I’ll be just fine right here.”

Carter looked a bit disappointed but he walked away quietly. Zach stood to his feet as Maddie and Martin arrived back at the table. Martin offered his hand to Zach.

“So I hear congrats are in order.”

Zach grinned, “Yeah thanks man.”

“Is Beth here?”

“She’s on her way come by our table before you leave.”

“Sure, oh and Zach I’d like you to meet a friend of mine, Maddie this is Zachary Ryan.”

Maddie tried to contain her surprise. So this was the infamous Zachary Ryan best friend to Nicolas O’Brien. She smiled, ‘Hi Madeline Jacobs nice to meet you.”

Zach looked at Dr. Jacobs and wondered what the odds were of this actually happening. He felt like he must be in a made for TV movie. He smiled and shook her hand.

“Nice to meet you,” Zach looked at Hannah, “Hannah it was nice to see you again.”

“Yeah you too Zach and congratulations again on getting engaged.”

“Thanks I’ll see you guys on the flip side.”

Zach made his way across the room to his group and wondered where the hell Nick was. He glanced at his watch and saw that for Nick it was still early. He heard a chair scrap against the floor and looked up to see Carter sitting down.

“Hey Carter what’s up?”

“Hi Zach I was just wondering what you could tell me about Hannah?”

Zach looked over at the back booth and saw Hannah with her head on the table. He didn’t like the direction this conversation was headed. He looked back at Carter.

“She’s a really nice girl who doesn’t get out much and I would say that drinking isn’t exactly her thing.”

Carter looked back and saw Hannah looking a little green. He felt a little bad for offering to buy her that drink.

“I mean is she dating anyone?”

Zach shrugged his shoulders, “Well she’s sort of has a thing for this guy but she hasn’t actually talked to him yet.”

Carter looked a little dejected, “So you think she would go out with me if I asked?”

Zach shook his head, “I don’t really think so she’s completely mad about this guy.”

Carter nodded, “Yeah ok so if it doesn’t work out let me know?”

“Sure buddy.”

Carter stood to leave. “How do you know Hannah anyway?”

Zach looked at Carter, “Through a mutual friend.”

Carter looked like a light bulb had just come on in his head. “Oh the guy she’s mad about right?”

“You got it my friend and if it doesn’t work out I’ll let you know.”

Carter nodded. “I am going to order a round of drinks be back in a minute.”

Across the room Carter watched Hannah as she continued to drink one drink after another. He hoped the alcohol was doing the trick of making her forget but he knew from experience that all the booze in the world would not erase the name that was in her heart.

In the corner booth Maddie watched as Hannah seemed to be sampling every drink on the menu, fuzzy navel, Amaretto sour, gin and juice, peach schnapps and then it was beer on tap. Maddie watched as she drank herself into oblivion.

“Ok Hannah it’s time we called it a night.”

Hannah was too far gone to argue but Maddie could see that she was looking more and more green by the minute. She looked at Martin apologetically. ”I’m so sorry but I need to get her home.”

Martin stood and helped get Hannah on her feet. He was afraid Maddie would never be able to get her to the car.

“Do you want me to help you get her to the car?”

“No I can manage.”

Martin walked with her to the front of the bar. “Ok I’ll see you tomorrow?”

Maddie smiled. “Yes you will.”

Martin dropped a kiss to her surprised lips. “Until tomorrow sleep tight.”

Maddie felt as if her face might crack from smiling so hard. She watched as he walked away to join Carter and their friends. She patted Hannah on the cheeks to revive her. “Come on Hannah it’s time to move.”

“Oh Maddie I can’t feel my feet. Can’t we just stay here?”

Maddie managed to get Hannah on her feet and walking toward the door.”No honey we have to get you home before you get sick.”

“Mad, everything is foggy and my mouth feels like sandpaper.”

“I’m sure it does honey just put one foot in front of the other and keep walking.”

Maddie and Hannah finally made it the short distance to the door when Hannah bent over and grabbed her stomach.

“Maddie I’m going to be sick.” Hannah walked hunched over holding her stomach through the door and bumped into someone on her way to empty out the contents of her stomach. Maddie looked up to apologize “So sorry…” Maddie stopped dead in her tracks as she looked at the amused face of none other than Nicolas O’Brien.

“Sorry Mr. O’Brien my friend is a little drunk I have to get her home.”

Nick looked at Maddie and smiled, “No problem tell your friend I hope she feels better.”

Maddie nodded her head and rushed out the door to find Hannah who was leaning against the building. She had thrown everything up and was now struggling to catch her breath. Maddie pushed her hair out of her eyes and wiped her face with a Kleenex.

“Hannah honey it’s okay let’s get you home.”

Maddie walked Hannah to the car and buckled her in. She climbed in the driver’s seat and started the car. She watched as the defrost began clearing the snow and frost off the window. She wondered if Hannah had any idea that she had almost thrown up on her Nick. Maddie heard Hannah’s soft voice cutting into her thoughts.

“Mad you still here?”

“Yeah Hannah what is it?”

Maddie could hear the muffled sobs coming from Hannah’s direction. She could see the tears glistening in the overhead light of the street lamp. She ached for her friend.

“Was he nice?”

Maddie wasn’t sure what she meant. “Who?”

“Nick was he nice?”

“Yes he was very nice.”

Hannah seemed to calm down a little bit at the knowledge. “Thanks Mad, I know he’s gorgeous and physically perfect but I always had this fear that if I ever met him he wouldn’t be nice.”

Maddie patted Hannah’s leg, “No worries H, he’s nice.”

Hannah slurred her words “I knew he would be.”

Maddie could hear her strangled words dying as the snores took over. Maddie drove the short distance to Hannah’s apartment and wondered what on earth would happen now.

Chapter Eight The Last To Know

CHAPTER EIGHT
THE LAST TO KNOW

Carter sat brooding at the end of the long table and wondered if he should ask Hannah out. He had really liked her she had been funny and sweet in an almost naïve way. He had seen her come in the shop with Maddie and he had wondered why he had never seen her before; he would’ve sworn he knew everybody in town but he knew he would’ve remembered that face. He threw back the remainder of his jack and coke and wondered what her story was. He wasn’t really drunk yet but he was starting to feel the buzz running through his body and he felt himself relaxing. As he sat there watching Maddie helping a very intoxicated Hannah to the door he almost jumped up to help her but of course Martin put a hand on his shoulder and sat down beside him.

“Hey little brother how’s it going?”

Carter looked at Martin trying to hide his frustration. “I’m good and in a minute after a few more drinks I’ll be even better.”

Carter never took his eyes off of Maddie and Hannah. He watched as Hannah slumped out the door and he was sure she was about to be paying for her indiscretions. As he watched he saw Nick come through the door at the same time Hannah slunk out crouched over holding her stomach. It was at that very moment he saw something that made him wonder if Nick was the guy Zach had been talking about earlier. It made sense they were best friends and closer than brothers. He couldn’t put his finger on it but it was almost like he could feel the sparks from across the room as they had briefly touched.

“So I see Maddie took Hannah home; I hope she’s okay.”

Martin nodded his head, “I’m sure she’ll be fine. You know Carter she’s led a very sheltered life so don’t go chasing after her and scaring her okay?”

Carter knew he was right but it offended him that his own brother felt the need to warn him against seeing her again. “Look she was nice and I got the feeling she could use some friends. I resent the fact that everybody assumes I just want to jump her bones.”

Martin could hear the truth ringing in Carter’s words and lifted his hands in surrender. “Sorry I just don’t want to see her hurt.”

Carter tilted his head and smiled at his brother. “Then that makes two of us.” With that Carter shoved his chair away from the table and walked to the bar. Martin watched him stalk away and knew he had handled that badly. He raked his hand through his hair and hoped Carter would be okay, he was still trying to get over his own broken heart. His concern for Hannah had been real but he was just as worried about Carter.

“Martin is that you?”
Martin looked up to see Nick standing behind Carter’s empty chair. “Nick how are you? What’s it been a year at least?”

“Something like that but I’m good how about you?”

Martin smiled thinking about Maddie, “I am doing great at least for the moment but we’ll see what happens tomorrow.”

Nick laughed at the old joke and shook his head, “What’s this one’s name?”
Martin had been known for dating every pretty girl he met in college but things had changed over the last couple of years. He had finally realized he had to grow up and stop acting like a kid. “Times have changed my friend I no longer feel the need to date a different girl each week. Besides the girl I have my eye on now could be the one.”

Nick had never thought he would hear those words not from Martin and he wondered who had gotten under his skin. “Good for you, so again I ask what’s her name?”

Martin was still thinking of Maddie and that mane of long brown hair and those enchanting eyes that danced with wonder. “Maddie, well Madeline Jacobs.”

Nick was a little shell shocked to say the least not only did Martin know his shrink but he was dating her? How bizarre was that but her office was just around the corner from his shop so he could see it.

“Small world I happen to know her she seems nice.”

Martin looked a little surprised that Nick knew Maddie. “So how do you know Maddie?”

“Work you know the government they want to cover all their bases. The project I am currently on is kind of overwhelming to say the least and they ordered me to get a psyche eval.”

“Small world huh?”

Nick shook his head, “You have no idea my friend.”

Carter arrived at the table with a pitcher of beer and glasses. He looked at Nick and he wondered yet again if he was the guy Hannah was waiting for.

“Hey Nick want a drink?”

“Hey Carter so what’s up how are things going? And a beer would be great thanks.”

Nick chose his words carefully censoring what he really wanted to know. Carter unlike his brother had never been a player he had always been a one woman man. The thing with Carter he always thought that every girl he dated was going to be the one. He had been with Chloe for a little over two years and had been blindsided when she told him she was moving across the country to start a new life with someone else.

“Good so what’s up with you?”

“Not much work and more work?”

Nick wondered why Carter was staring at him so intently as if he had something on his mind. Nick took a drink of his beer and watched Carter’s brooding expression over the rim of his glass. Martin stood to his feet.

“Carter I’m going to step outside and call Maddie make sure they made it home.”

Carter had his opportunity to find out if Nick knew Hannah. He nodded at his brother. “Ok ask her how Hannah’s doing I feel bad for buying her that first drink. “ He laughed at the look on Nick’s face. “She’ll have one hell of a hangover in the morning.”

“Ok I’ll be right back.”

Carter watched as his brother walked outside already calling Maddie. He focused his attention on Nick. “So Nick you know Hannah?”

Nick was surprised by his question and he wondered how he was supposed to answer. He shook his head no. “Not really I take it she was here earlier?”

“Yeah man you practically ran into her when you walked in. She was the beautiful girl about to throw up on your shoes.”

Nick remembered the girl but he hadn’t been able to see her face. Maddie had said something about her friend having too much to drink. He had been that close to Hannah and he hadn’t even realized it. He had felt a spark but he had chalked it up to static electricity. He had actually been inches away from her; she had brushed against him on her way out the door.

“Carter how do you know Hannah?”

Carter was nursing his beer as he watched the scrutiny on Nick’s face. He wondered why Nick denied knowing Hannah, maybe he wasn’t the guy she was waiting for.

“I just met her tonight but she seemed really nice. I was thinking about asking her out but Zach said she had a thing for somebody else.”

Carter watched Nick’s face and he knew that Nick, the guy who was the least likely to settle down was squirming in his seat. Carter wondered if he even knew how deep he was in yet.

“I don’t know though maybe I should give the mystery man a run for his money. I think Hannah liked me and she was very entertaining after a few drinks.”

Carter knew he was egging him on but really it was too much fun. He saw Martin crossing the room and he decided to let Nick off the hook. “I guess I won’t waste my time with a girl who already has her heart set on somebody else; but he better wake up before somebody else asks her out.”

Nick didn’t say anything as Martin sat down. “Hannah’s fine and she’s not even mad at you Carter but she did say she wouldn’t be calling you and hanging up.”

Carter laughed at Hannah’s way of dissuading him from asking her out. He would have asked her out in a heartbeat if he wasn’t friends with Nick.

“Good I’m glad she made it home okay, is Maddie staying with her tonight?”

“Yeah, she’s there holding her hair back as she throws up. Apparently she’s not much of a drinker so when she does it isn’t pretty. I feel bad for Maddie having to deal with her in the morning.”

Nick was no longer listening to Martin and Carter’s replay of the earlier events of the night. He moved on down the line to where Zach and Beth where sitting. He pound Zach on the back and dropped a kiss on Beth’s cheek. “Hey congrats on the upcoming nuptials. Beth are you sure you know what you’re in for.”

Beth smiled at Zach as she spoke. “I know exactly what I’m getting and it’s all I’ve ever wanted.”

Beth was suddenly being swarmed by her girlfriends who were pulling her to the stage to sing with them. Nick laughed as they sang Going To The Chapel, Zach was a lucky guy.

“So Zach care to tell me how Hannah ended up here tonight of all nights and why I’m the last to know?”

Zach held his hands up, “I didn’t invite her Nick I swear. I would have if I had thought she would come but I was shocked when I saw her sitting with Carter in the corner booth. She was three sheets to the wind and I didn’t get the impression that she was a drinker.”

Nick knew Zach was telling him the truth but he wondered how she had ended up here tonight. “According to Maddie she’s sick as a dog and she doesn’t usually drink. Did you know that she actually bumped into me on her way out the door? I had no idea it was her but I had this feeling like I should know her.”

Zach had been talking to Carter and hadn’t seen Nick come in. “Nick you should know Carter was asking a lot of questions about Hannah.”

“I know he’s been talking nonstop about Hannah since I got here; it was almost as if he was taunting me.”

Zach laughed “He probably was I could see your face from her e and he was getting under your skin. All joking aside if Hannah is getting out of the house and actually telling people her real name something’s changed. I am sure you know more about that than I do but my point is don’t wait too long.”

Before Nick could say anything Carson and Mackenzie walked up to Zach. “Hey Zach congratulations man but I must say it’s about time.”

“I know man I know and thanks. So did you guys come from home?”

“Yeah we just left the apartment and we heard that you guys were already here.”

Zach looked at Carson, “Really and who told you that?”

Mackenzie laughed, “That would be Hannah and she looked a little rough. I feel sorry for her because she probably has one hell of a headache right now. “


Nick listened to the banter going back and forth and he wondered why Hannah had felt the need to t get wasted. Nick found himself thinking about what Zach had said. He knew Zach was right but he didn’t want to think about that right now. He headed to the bar thinking about Hannah and that maybe he should just follow her led and get drunk too. His last coherent thought was of Hannah and how she was getting along.
************************

Maddie held Hannah’s hair as she emptied the contents of her stomach into the toilet. She wiped a cool washcloth across Hannah’s forehead and helped her take a sip of water. Hannah moaned as she rested her head against the toilet. She had known she would regret this but for one brief moment she had forgotten why she had taken that first drink.

“Maddie my head feels like it’s going to explode. I’m about to be the girl from the exorcist, my head feels like it’s already spinning around in circles.”

Maddie managed to get Hannah up on her feet and helped her to the couch. Hannah shielded her eyes from the glaring overhead light. “Maddie I don’t feel so well.”

“I know Hannah you drank enough for a grown man not to mention you know what alcohol does to you.”

Maddie grabbed a black pouch and took out the contents and laid them on the table. She grabbed Hannah’s hand. “Hannah this may hurt.”

Maddie pricked her finger and watched as a tiny drop of blood oozed out and she swabbed it on the test strip. She watched as the numbers counted down and a number appeared on the screen.

“Maddie I feel sick at my stomach and my mouth is so dry. I need water.”

Maddie helped her sip the water and then eased her head back down on the couch. “Hannah you’re blood sugar is over 400 that’s why you feel so sick and you’re dehydrated. I shouldn’t have let you drink so much. I took an oath to protect people and I knew what that alcohol would do to you.”

Hannah groaned into the couch as she buried her head under the throw pillow. The blasted light was hurting her eyes and making her head pound. “Maddie I did this, it is not your fault.”

Maddie grabbed Hannah’s medicine bag and found her insulin. She filled the syringe and took a little bit of pleasure when she plunged the short needle into Hannah’s upper arm.

“Maddie I hate to tell you that I don’t even feel it anymore, sorry to ruin your fun.”

“Hannah try to get some sleep ok and I’ll wake you up in a couple of hours to recheck your blood sugar.”

Maddie turned the overhead light out and left a soft lamp burning on the end table. She then went to Hannah’s room and found a pillow and a blanket. She lifted Hannah’s head slightly to place the pillow underneath and then covered her with the heavy fleece blanket. Maddie relaxed in the recliner and watched as the clock slowly began to count time. She wasn’t really sleepy and she had to keep an eye on Hannah. She should have never let her drink like that, what had she been thinking. She knew Hannah didn’t normally drink and she hoped that maybe this little episode would keep her from doing it again anytime soon.

Maddie found her thoughts going back to Martin and what he might be doing. She had never expected to actually see him outside of the shop but she had been pleasantly surprised to see him walk in the door at Fast Eddie’s. She didn’t really know a lot about him but she liked him and she wanted the chance to get to know him better.

She glanced at Hannah sleeping on the couch with her shallow breaths coming out in short rapid puffs. Her labored breathing bothered Maddie and she wondered if she should wake her up. She knew Hannah took care of herself and she never drank except the occasional glass of wine. After a few minutes Hannah’s breathing seemed to come easier and her chest was rising at a steady pace. Maddie could feel her eyes drifting closed.

A couple of hours later Maddie woke up with a creak in her neck and an ache in her back. She saw that Hannah was tossing and turning in her sleep and the blanket was now on the floor. She crossed the room and sat on the edge of the couch. She laid her hand on Hannah’s forehead to find that she was slightly clammy and very pale. Maddie gently shook her shoulder and watched as her eyes fluttered open.

“Maddie I feel like death.”

“I’m sure you do H but I have to check your blood sugar again.” Maddie waited as the meter counted down. “Well it’s come down some but it’s still high, try to go back to sleep, you’ll feel better when you wake up.”

Hannah sat up gingerly on the couch still holding her throbbing head. “I don’t think I will ever feel better. Maddie promise me you will never let me drink like that again.”

“Oh no worries there, I will never let you in another bar again.”

Hannah rested her head on the back of the couch. “Please tell me there’s a magic cure for this.”

Maddie laughed, “Well if you cover up with heavy blankets you’ll sweat most of it out. I can brew you some strong coffee and then throw you in the shower.”

“I don’t think I can move.”

Maddie headed for the bathroom. “I’ll get you some aspirin.”

Maddie searched the medicine cabinet and grabbed the aspirin bottle. She knew Hannah was in excruciating pain and she had no way of helping. She joined Hannah in the living room.

“Here you go H take these.”

Hannah took the pills and gulped them down with her water. She wished she could go back to sleep but obviously that wasn’t going to happen tonight.

“Maddie so tell me about Nick.”

Maddie could see Hannah sprawled out on the couch holding her head. She wondered how much of her headache was from an overload of information and how much from alcohol consumption.

“He was gorgeous, charming and very elusive. He tried to act as if he didn’t care about anything beyond his work but really he hides behind his work. He misses his family and I fear he blames himself for what happened.”

Hannah opened one eye and looked at Maddie. “Are you serious why the hell would he think it was his fault?”

“I don’t know I haven’t gotten that far yet but H he reminds me so much of you.”

Hannah laughed, “Why is that? He’s a loner who doesn’t trust easily.”

“No he has let one tragic accident that happened seventeen years ago control his life and define who he is today.”

Hannah knew she was right but she wanted to deny the simple truth of her words. She looked at Maddie and she wondered how she could be so strong even when life didn’t turn out the way she had planned.

“Maddie do you think he thinks about me at all?”

Maddie wasn’t sure how she knew it but she knew that he thought of Hannah more than he probably should have.

“I do I honestly do. Hannah try to rest and stop worrying so much. I’m going to borrow your shower and something comfy to sleep in.”

“Okay help yourself and Mad thanks for telling me.”

“But I didn’t tell you, you just happened to see my file.”

Hannah laughed, “Okay so that’s the story if anyone finds out?”

Maddie was already making her way down the hall to Hannah’s bedroom. “That’s the story and we’re sticking to it.”

Hannah was too restless to try to sleep and her curiosity was eating away at her. She looked at the innocent file on the coffee table and she reached for it. She hadn’t really gotten to read much before Carter and Martin had shown up and then her drinking binge made any attempt at reading impossible. She opened the file and saw dozens of newspaper clippings, funeral notices, hospital records, snap shots and accident reports. Her eyes landed on the headline screaming the ugly truth “Prominent geneticist killed in a five car pileup on the parkway late yesterday afternoon. Hannah read the article as the horror sat in. Nick’s family had been killed in the same accident that claimed her father. She had never known the circumstances of the accident or who if anyone else had been involved. She had never considered that there were other people affected by what happened that fateful day. She raised a hand to her trembling lips as she saw a picture of the cars mangled into unrecognizable blobs of metal. Hannah tried to swallow the sobs that were making their way up her dry throat. She had dreamed of meeting Nick since she was eight years old and now after all this time she had found him. She wondered how she would ever face him now that she knew the truth. She had a deep seeded fear that he would hate the little girl who had caused the death of so many.

She desperately wanted to meet him but the fear of what he might think of her gave her pause. She didn’t think she could bear it if he hated her or treated her with the contempt she deserved. She had not only ruined her life all those years ago but dozens of others as well. She wished she could change what had happened that day and then maybe they could both get their happily ever after. She closed her eyes and there it was the vision of perfection dancing in her mind—Nick. She could still see the warmth in his easy smile and the genuine feeling of concern in his voice. Hannah debated with herself about finding him and telling him the truth about what had transpired that day but she didn’t want to see the hatred that she was sure would be in his beautiful blue eyes.

Maddie had finished with her shower and grabbed some blankets and a pillow and went to the living room to join Hannah. She saw her asleep on the couch with tears still drying on her cheek and Maddie wished so badly that she could make all the bad stuff go away. Hannah deserved to be happy but she would never stop punishing herself for something that wasn’t even her fault. Maddie pulled the blanket up around Hannah’s shoulder and turned the lamp off. She then settled in the recliner and wondered why Nick and Hannah both seemed hell bent on blaming themselves for something that had not been their fault. She had known that Hannah would feel responsible for all the lives lost that day but Maddie thought she deserved to know the truth. Maddie’s thoughts became muddled as her eyes gave in to the fatigue as sleep took over.

Chapter Nine Bright Lights, Big Headache

CHAPTER NINE
BRIGHT LIGHTS, BIG HEADACHE

“Rise and shine sunshine.”

Nick groaned as Zach pulled the curtains open and the bright sunlight filled the living room. He had barely made it in the door before he collapsed on the couch. He buried his head in the throw pillows trying desperately to ignore Zach. He held on to the pillow for dear life as Zach pried his fingers away and handed him a cup of coffee. Nick sniffed the offensive black brew and forced the vile liquid past his dry lips.

“Zach what time is it?”

“It’s almost 10:30 and we have to be at the lab by 1 so you need to start moving. I don’t think the guys will be impressed if you show up drunk.”

Nick eased his head down to rest on the back of the couch. He was feeling pain in every part of his body so it was impossible to pinpoint what hurt the most. He opened one eye and glared at Zach. “How is it that last night was your party and I’m the one who ended up with the hangover from hell?”

Zach shook his head at the look of intense pain on Nick’s unshaven face. “Well for one I don’t drink and two you were trying to pretend that you don’t love Hannah and to forget that she might actually have a life now; a life that doesn’t include you.”

Nick groaned loudly from his place on the couch. He pushed his hands through his already mussed up hair and squinted at Zach. “You had to go and remind of that did you?”

Zach grinned, “Just keeping it real and do you remember anything that happened after the tequila?”

Nick vaguely remembered threatening to punch somebody but he hoped that had been a bad nightmare. He wasn’t usually that guy. He was supposed to be the laid back take it as it comes guy but somehow he thought at some point last night he had crossed that line.

“Please tell me that I didn’t almost deck somebody last night.”

Zach chuckled under his breath. “Oh but you did.”

“Then please tell me that it was somebody I didn’t know.”

Zach shook his head as he hid his laughter. “Sorry but it was Carter.”

As Zach said the name blurry images floated through his head. Carter had been antagonizing him all night just trying to get under his skin. Nick thought it was as if he was trying to get him to recognize the fact that he knew Hannah but why? Why should it matter to Carter if he knew Hannah or not? A snide little voice in the back of his head whispered because he liked her too and he wanted her to be happy. Nick knew that was it because that was how Carter was. He would want Hannah to find her happily ever after even if it wasn’t with him. The thing was he wanted Hannah to have her happily ever after too and he was damn sure trying to make sure he was in it.

“Ok I remember Carter razzing me all night what happened? Did I hurt him?”

Zach laughed again, “No dude you were so drunk you hit the chair instead of Carter but he was pretty messed up too. Martin and I watched until we realized that you had every intention of shutting him up and then we stepped in and decided it was time we got you guys home. The good news is Carter was too drunk to remember it either.”

Nick relaxed and fell back into the couch cushions. “So tell me about Hannah, any idea why she was at the bar last night?”

Zach shrugged his shoulders. “All I know is she was with Maddie but if I were a betting man it had everything to do with you. I sat with her for a few minutes before everyone got there and she had a folder with your name on it.”

Nick sat straight up and looked at Zach like a deer in headlights. “What? She knows about me?”

“Again I don’t know what she knows but I would bet a million to one that Maddie told her about you. When I was sitting with her she was rubbing her hand over a set of initials; the initials you carved into the table top a couple of weeks ago. I saw her face when she looked at the letters and she knew what they stood for so she definitely knows something.”

Nick only had a few more weeks and then he would make his move but the timing had to be perfect. Christmas Eve was the day he had set for his first face to face visit with Hannah. He had it all planned out and he hoped that it went according to plan. As his thoughts drifted to another time and place Zach watched his face and he knew he was in the land of Hannah.

“Zach here’s the thing I feel as if she and I are connected in some way I can’t even begin to explain. It’s like I already knew her before that day but I don’t know how. I don’t recall ever seeing her before but if I had I don’t see how I could’ve forgotten her. I can’t explain it but that voice touched my heart as if I had heard it a million times before and those eyes I don’t think I could ever forget those eyes. It was as if I could see into her soul with just one look at her huge hazel eyes with every emotion she was feeling staring back at me.”

Zach watched Nick’s face as he spoke and he ached for his brother. He had only done a basic search on Hannah but he hadn’t really dug deep maybe that would explain the connection. He had a nagging feeling that it has something to do with the death of Hannah’s father and the events that took place that week. The mind was a complex thing and it had a way of blocking out the past; maybe Hannah had always been there buried deep inside the dark crevices of his mind.

“Nick just stop putting so much pressure on yourself and think back to the darkest point in your life. I know how hard that is but if you somehow met Hannah during that time you might have blocked it out as a sense of self preservation.”

Nick sat up too fast and his elbows immediately fell to his knees as he clutched his head. “Zach my head feels like it is going to explode, please close the curtains.” Zach took pity on his friend and closed the blinds. Nick sat up and looked at Zach. “Now that is completely crazy even for you! You really think I met her during the same time my family died and that I have forgotten? I remember everything about that day.”

Zach hated reopening all the old wounds but he thought it was the key to explaining everything. Nick had the answer somewhere deep inside and only he could find it. “Nick you remember everything about that day from the time you woke up. You remember the clothes you put on, what you had for breakfast and what you watched on TV but after the accident you shut down. I know I wasn’t there but you told me yourself that you were barely breathing and that it was as if you were on auto pilot. You went through the motions but can you honestly tell me who was at the wake? Who sat beside you at the funeral and who you might have bumped into during that week? I’m just saying it’s possible you met Hannah at the hospital when you got checked out or maybe on the street when you left to get some air. I don’t know when you met her but I feel sure that at some point in time you met her before two weeks ago.”

“Maybe your right I don’t know but I do know that I want to know her now.”

Zach crossed the room and placed his hand on Nick’s shoulder. “Nick what are you waiting for?”

Nick wasn’t really sure, maybe he was stalling or maybe he was trying to make sure Hannah was ready to meet him or maybe he was scared. “I don’t want to rush meeting her. I just want it to be perfect.”

“Nick tell me what did you do?”

Nick hadn’t been listening to Zach so he had missed the question behind the question. “What are you talking about? Do about what?”

“Hannah she has changed since the first time I met her. She was so closed off from the world and she was scared for anyone to know her name or who she was but now she has opened up in ways I never thought possible. I don’t think that two weeks ago she would’ve been at any bar drinking and talking to some random guy. Lucky for you it was Carter any other guy would’ve taken advantage of her in that situation.”

Nick knew he was right but he had never thought about what he did changing her so much. He had only wanted her to know that someone cared about her and that she wasn’t alone. He knew how scary the world could be when you didn’t have anyone to count on or to help you figure out which way to go.

“That night you went to see Hannah and I helped Lucas out at the lab I went back to the Christmas after her dad died. I bought her a Christmas ornament and had it delivered by a messenger service. I then went back the next week and took money to purchase little gifts and cards to have delivered to her at different times in her life; holidays, birthdays, graduation, her Aunt and cousin’s funeral and then sometimes for no reason at all. I just wanted her to know that someone cared what happened to her.”

Zach sat in silence and watched as Nick sat brooding in the corner of the couch. He had no idea what repercussions this might have but as far as he could tell it had only made Hannah happier.

“Nick that wasn’t very smart but I think maybe it did help her. So what are you going to do now? Thanksgiving is the day after tomorrow and you promised mom you’d be there this year.”

“I know and I will be my plans for the day’s events are open but the night is a different story.”

Zach was intrigued by this and he wondered what Nick was thinking. This was the first time since his family’s death and now he was apparently making a move toward Hannah; Zach hoped he didn’t get hurt in the process.

“Nick what exactly are you planning for Thanksgiving night?”

Nick grinned, “I can’t really say because I haven’t figured it all out but maybe I’ll have all the answers I need by the end of the night.”

Zach wasn’t sure if that was a good idea but Nick wouldn’t listen so he kept his opinions to himself. He walked toward the kitchen, “You know we’re all going to the movies tomorrow night why don’t I just ask Hannah to join us?”

“That’s an ongoing family tradition and I don’t really want to meet her for the first time with an audience.”

“Fine but I hope you know what you’re doing. I’m going to make some breakfast while you take a shower and act human.”

Nick didn’t think he could move much less take a shower but the smell of last night was starting to get to him. He pulled himself up off the couch and crawled to the shower. As the hot water cascaded down his face he wondered how Hannah was doing and if she felt half as bad as he did. He closed his eyes trying to forget how bad his head was pounding and the way his stomach was rolling. He hadn’t been drunk in a long time but last night he had just wanted to forget his own name. He had succeeded for a while but now in the light of another day he had to admit that he was in way over his head. He really didn’t know much about Hannah but he wanted to know her and that was what killed him the not knowing. He ached for her touch as if he already knew how her elegant hand would feel as she ran one silk finger along his hand or how her soft lips would tremble as he leaned in close enough that he could feel her breath on his face just before he kissed her for the first time. He knew there might be a reason he felt this connection but he already knew it didn’t matter because he was already mad about her. As the water began to run cold he climbed out of the shower and grabbed a towel.

After a few minutes in the bathroom he walked to his room to get dressed. He pulled on a black sweater and faded jeans. He made his way to the kitchen and found Zach putting a plate of bacon and toast on the table.

“Here eat this and try to hurry up we need to stop by mom’s on the way to the lab.”

Nick nodded his head as he threw the bacon on the toast and grabbed the napkin. “Ok you drive I’ll eat.”

“Fine but please don’t throw up in the car.”

Nick laughed and put his sunglasses on as he walked out the door behind Zach. He climbed into the car and closed his eyes against the harsh glare of the sun. “Zach don’t ever let me act that stupid again.”

“I think I’ve heard that before but the good news is you’ll eventually feel better.”

Nick wasn’t sure if he would ever feel better but maybe miracles did happen. He was praying for one on Thursday. He smiled to himself Hannah was the miracle he just prayed he didn’t screw up his chance
************************


Maddie woke up and saw that Hannah was still sprawled out on the couch. She had kicked the cover off and she was now laying face down with her head buried under the pillows. Maddie hated to wake her but she knew that she had to get up and get moving.

“H, honey it’s time to wake up.” Maddie watched as Hannah rolled over and squinted at the bright white light. She finally focused on Maddie. “Is it morning already?”

“I’m afraid so, come on let’s get you moving.” Maddie helped Hannah to the shower and then walked to the kitchen to fix her toast and peanut butter and an icy diet coke. She picked up the newspaper and laid it on the table. A few minutes later Hannah stumbled through the door and looked somewhat awake.

“Maddie I am so sorry for acting so stupid and irresponsible last night.”

Maddie shook her head, “Don’t worry about it H, you are the most responsible person I know. I think you grew up too fast and that last night was your way of rebelling against everything that you missed out on.”

Hannah was dropping the blood on her meter and avoiding eye contact with Maddie. She watched the screen and sighed as she saw the number 95 appear on the screen. She removed the strip and placed the meter back in the case. She smiled at Maddie’s expectant face.

“It’s 95 so that’s good considering how high it was all night. By the way thanks for babysitting me last night.” Hannah removed her meds and swallowed them with a gulp of diet coke before taking her shot; the joys of being a juvenile diabetic.

“Hannah I’m glad you’re ok. I know how horrible you must be feeling.”

Hannah nodded as she picked up her toast. “Last night was not my best moment. I feel kind of groggy and my head is still pounding.”

Maddie laughed, “I’m sure but it’ll pass.” Maddie drank her coffee and watched Hannah over the rim of her cup. She looked a little pale but honestly she didn’t look that bad considering how much she had to drink the previous night. Maddie knew she had questions but she didn’t want to rush her, she would ask about Nick when she was ready.

Hannah pushed her empty plate away and played at drinking her soda. She opened the paper to the crossword puzzle and began to fill in the blanks. Maddie laughed beside her.

“H, you’re the only person I know who does the crossword in ink. What if you mess up?”

Hannah focused on the tiny print that was wrecking havoc on her already splitting headache. “I don’t mess up.”

Maddie knew that was true but Hannah sounded so sure of herself. She had always been so reserved and she wondered what had happened to change that.

“So what are your plans for the day?”

Hannah shrugged. ”Plans are highly overrated. Besides Thanksgiving is the day after tomorrow so I gave everyone the rest of the week off. I may go down to the store later and give Jeff a hand. What about you what have you got going on?”

Maddie smiled, “I have a couple of appointments this afternoon and then I’m taking the rest of the week off as well. You know you could come with me to moms for Thanksgiving dinner.”

Hannah thought that sounded like a great idea but she knew that Veronica would never allow it. She may not like Hannah but she would at least expect her to make an appearance for the holiday. Hannah wondered who she would invite this year. She cringed at the thought of a bunch of pretentious, stuffy full of themselves doctors, lawyers, politicians and trust fund babies.

“Mad, you have no idea how wonderful that sounds but I have to go to Veronica’s but maybe I can swing by for dessert I would love a piece of your mom’s pecan pie.” Hannah could see the look of concern on Maddie’s face. “I know what you’re going to say but I only have dessert three times a year my birthday, Thanksgiving and Christmas so cut me some slack.”

Maddie knew she was right and she wondered what it would be like to have to be so careful all the time and watch everything you ate for fear of what the consequences might be. Hannah had such discipline she followed a strict regimen of diet, exercise and she took her meds faithfully every day.

“What time are you going to Veronica’s?”

Hannah hadn’t talked to Veronica since her birthday last month so she had no idea. “I need to call her and see what time she is having dinner. I am guessing it will be at 2pm.”

Maddie nodded, “Well mom will have lunch at noon but we’ll be too stuffed to eat dessert for a couple of hours so just come by when you can get away and we’ll have dessert with you. So do you have any other plans for the holiday?”

Hannah hadn’t given much thought to the day so she had no other plans. “No the holidays are always hard and I don’t want to deal with anything after spending an hour with Veronica. Spending the afternoon with you and your family will be just what I need after the lunch from hell.”

Maddie looked at Hannah with sympathy, “Well we can be thankful that we have good friends and a warm place like mom’s to recuperate.”

Hannah agreed she had never felt more at home or more like a kid than when she had been at Maddie’s house. She had often pretended that Maddie’s mom was her mother too. Mrs. Jacobs was the perfect mom she was warm and friendly she always had a smile on her face. She took pride in Maddie and attended all of her activities. She was exactly what a mother should be.

“Maddie can I ask you a question?”

“H, you can ask me anything.”

Hannah looked at her hands and spoke softly. “Mad tell me about Nick. I mean I saw his picture in the file and I read the article but how is any of this possible? How did his family die in the same accident as my dad but when I met him at the funeral he wasn’t a nine year old boy. Maddie how is it he’s the same age now as he was back then?”

Maddie could see the sadness in Hannah’s eyes and the traces of hope. “Nick works for the pentagon so that’s how he ended up at my office. He is kind of like you in the fact that he’s a genius whose specialty is time travel.” Maddie watched Hannah’s face as her words hit her full force.

“Maddie are you serious? He traveled back in time to that specific day? Do you think he even realized that the day he landed on was the day his family was buried and my dad’s wake? “

Maddie honestly didn’t know, “I don’t know H but for whatever reason he ended up there at the precise moment. Maybe it was fate or maybe it was a fluke but he ended up there none the less.”

Hannah found it hard to believe he just happened along on that day by accident. Why would he have chosen to revisit a day that had been so painful for him? Had he wanted to find someone to blame and all he found was her? Had he known who she was? She had more questions than answers but she knew that no matter what the answer was they would both be hurt in the end. She was used to being hurt but she could feel her heart breaking a little more at the thought of Nick suffering because of her.

“Maddie I am sure that he will hate me when he figures out who I am.”

Maddie wasn’t sure about that but she could see that no matter what she said Hannah had her mind set. “H, why do you think Nick will hate you? How is any of what happened that day your fault?”

Hannah could feel the tears pooling in her eyes and threatening to spill over at any moment. She angrily swiped the traitorous tears away. “Maddie everything that happened that day was my fault.”

Maddie knew Hannah had always blamed herself but Maddie had never understood why. She had tried desperately to talk to Hannah about it but she had refused to talk about anything remotely related to that day. “Hannah please talk to me; I want to help but you have to talk to me.”

Hannah sat in the silence and wondered how it would feel to say the words out loud the words that had left the bitter hollow place where her heart had once been. The words that had brought such pain to those around her and caused her to give up on a life that had never began.

“That day was the worst day of my life.” Hannah paused and looked at the floor. “Dad was supposed to be spending the day with me but at the last minute he got a phone call and had to leave for a meeting. I was angry and hurt especially when he wouldn’t even let me go with him; he always took me to the office and let me stay in his office while he ran the meeting. I was so upset I flew up the stairs to my room and slammed the door. He tried to coax me to open the door but I refused. I remember yelling at him telling him to just leave. I had been feeling out of sorts a lot that summer and that day I didn’t eat because I felt sick at my stomach all day. I thought it was because I felt guilty for how ugly I had behaved with dad but it was more than that. I had locked myself in my room and lay down in the floor and that was the last thing I remembered the next thing I knew I was at the hospital.”

Hannah was wiping the tears that were now freely flowing down her pale cheeks. She looked at Maddie knowing she didn’t understand the significance of that day. She drew in a shaky breath and continued with her story.

“I woke up in the emergency room with tubes hooked up to me and an IV dripping fluid in my arm. I was scared and all I wanted was my daddy. I was screaming and pulling at the tubes several nurses and an orderly hurried into the cubicle along with Veronica. She stopped by my bed and told me to calm down that dad was on his way. I tried to listen but I never took my eyes off the door as I waited for my dad but he never came. I was so hurt and I told Veronica that I didn’t care what his excuse was I was never going to talk to him ever again as long as he lived. I swear Maddie those were the exact words that I said. I found out later that he was rushing to the hospital to see me when he was killed in the accident. If I had done one thing different that day if I had eaten instead of sulking in the bedroom or if I had gone with him none of it would have happened. If I hadn’t been at the hospital he would have never been on the parkway that day at that time. I am the reason that he and all those other people died. If he had known that I was okay that he didn’t have to hurry maybe he wouldn’t have been there but he never knew that I was ok he never knew I was diagnosed with diabetes that day. I feel so bad for the angry words I said to him that day and for never being able to take it all back.”

Maddie held Hannah as the tears poured and she cried for what she had thought was her fault. Maddie knew that Hannah had needed someone to blame but it had really been a terrible accident. She wondered if Hannah had any idea how silly it was for her to blame herself. She had been a kid and she had been angry if she had known that was the last time she would see her dad, Maddie was sure she would not have said those horrid things.


“Hannah what happened was not your fault. First you didn’t do anything wrong, you were a kid and your dad knew you loved him. Second it wasn’t your fault you got sick. How can you believe that it was your fault? The truth is you were born with diabetes it just wasn’t diagnosed until that day and last it was a terrible accident that had nothing to do with you. Did you force Mr. Davenport to go to the bar in the middle of the day and drink himself into oblivion? Did you tell him to get behind the wheel of his car and drive home? Did you tell him to run that red light and cause that accident?” Maddie watched Hannah’s face as she slowly shook her head no. “Hannah it was an accident but it wasn’t your fault.”

Hannah could hear Maddie’s voice as if from a great distance but she knew that despite what Maddie thought that it was all her fault. If she hadn’t been in the hospital her dad wouldn’t have been at that place at that time and he wouldn’t be dead now and inevitably everything that had happened could have changed. Nick’s family might have been spared if one little thing had been different.

‘Maddie it doesn’t really matter if it was or wasn’t my fault the simple truth is why should I be able to live and enjoy life when my dad lost his because of me?”

Maddie knew the words coming out of Hannah’s mouth were absurd and ridiculous but convincing her of that was next to impossible. She stroked the top of Hannah’s head and dried her tears as she tried to think of a way to make Hannah understand that this self imposed exile was not how her father would have wanted her to live her life.
*****************

Nick made his way to the lab and wondered what today’s tests might prove. He watched as he passed fellow colleagues as they gave him pitying looks as if he were indeed crazy. He knew that despite the confidentiality code that every member of the armed forces, scientist and upper level politicians knew of his experiments and that they all thought he had done something unethical. He refused to explain himself to these people who had no idea what was going on in lab 13 and he refused to admit that if he were in their position he would think the same thing. He pushed through the door that led to the secluded hall and held his palm on the scanner to admit entrance to the lab.

Zach was right behind him with coffee and doughnuts. Nick laughed as he watched Zach juggle the messenger bag, the box of doughnuts and coffee. It never ceased to amaze him how Zach could remain skinny as a rail and eat like a horse. He held the door for his friend and walked in to the cavernous room on his heels. He could see Lucas and Damien standing at the control panels and waiting for them.

“Hi guys how’s it going?”

They looked at Zach for half a second as they tapped the computer keys to set the date for today’s experiment. Nick took his place at the monitor and verified the date as it was set for November 22, 2009.

“Ok Zach we have it set are you ready to go back one year ago?”

Zach grinned and nodded his head. “Sure can I interrupt our meeting and prevent this from ever taking place?”

Damien didn’t see the humor of the comment so he chose to ignore it. “Zach if you screw with the experiment then you might be stuck in 2009.”

Zach shrugged, “So what? Last year was a pretty good year I wouldn’t mind living it again.”

He could see the look on Damien and Lucas’s faces and threw his hands up in surrender. “Kidding man gees you both need to calm down.”

Zach entered the compression chamber and took the shot that would allow him to hear the thoughts of the people around him. He felt the harness being tightened around him and then the door closed and he was in complete darkness as the spinning began. He wondered how the hell this actually worked but despite how crazy it seemed he knew that it did work. Slowly the spinning began to slow and suddenly he felt as if he had been dropped from the sky onto a busy street. He opened his eyes to see that he was in an alley way that led to a bustling street corner. He stepped out into the flow of traffic and no one was the wiser.

Zach knew he only had an hour and he needed to see what the date was. He walked along the sidewalk as the voices invaded his head. He tried to block them out as he continued looking for a newspaper stand. He began to slow his pace as he rounded a corner and saw what he was looking for a newsstand. He handed the man the money and took the paper. He scanned the front page and saw that it was November 22, 1994 a year later then the last time Nick had been here. He wasn’t sure what to do now but he walked along the sidewalk until he found Fillmore Street. He continued to walk until he saw Hannah’s Corner Shelf and he pushed the door open and stepped inside. He saw that it was alive with active children gathered around a woman dressed in a smock, smiling as the children gathered around. He could see the table with art and craft supplies and the story book on the table. The woman looked worriedly at a young girl sitting by herself in the corner. He watched as the woman crossed the room and knelt beside the little girl. Zach strained to hear what the lady said but the other children were laughing and talking making it impossible to hear the words. The little girl took the lady’s hand and joined the others at the table. He listened as the woman began to talk.

“Good afternoon boys and girls welcome to story time I hope your all ready to have some fun today. I am going to read you the story of the first Thanksgiving and then we are all going to share what we’re thankful for. We’ll make a fun craft that you guys may take home when you leave.”

Zach noticed the little girl never looked up or interacted with the other children and he wondered if it was Hannah. He had yet to see her eyes he watched as the other kids listened and took part in the story but not the little girl from the corner.

“So Hannah it’s your turn, what are you thankful for?”

Zach watched as the little girl looked up and shrugged her frail little shoulders. He could see the tears silently falling down her face and he wanted to pull her into his arms and tell her that one someday everything would be okay but he stayed rooted to the spot he was in.

“Aunt Ann I’m thankful for you.”

Zach watched the love and pain mixed on the pretty woman’s face as she hugged Hannah close and kissed her tearstained cheek. He could see so much pain hurt and regret shining in Hannah’s eyes and he ached for her. He felt that it was a travesty for such a little girl to have already endured so much loss and pain. He watched as Hannah sat by herself while the other children colored turkeys and glued wiggly eyes on their creations. He had heard her small voice say the words out loud but he had heard her thoughts even louder. She had been thinking one thing ‘I’m thankful for Nick, my guardian angel.’ So she did remember him and she missed him.

Zach started to turn and leave as Hannah looked up and zeroed in on him. He watched as she studied his face and for a brief moment she offered him a half smile and a wave of her little hand. He smiled back and waved before he walked quietly out of the store and made his way back down the street. He could see now why Nick had been so enraptured with her. She was indeed beautiful even at such a young age but her eyes were mesmerizing as if she could see your very soul the good and the bad.

Zach found the alley way and stepped through the small space between the two buildings. The smell of soured milk and rotten hotdogs permeated the air around him and then he was suddenly spinning out of control on his way home. As the velocity slowed and the pressure decreased he opened his eyes to see Lucas instantly by his side.

“Zach what the hell just happened? The computer went haywire and I thought we had lost you.”

Zach stepped out of the chamber and tossed the newspaper at him. “I have no idea but I think you all owe Nick an apology.”

Zach pushed past Lucas and Damon and headed for the detox center. He felt Nick fall into step beside him. “So it happened again?”

“Yeah it did and I know the date was entered right and they know it too.”

Nick’s mind was on overdrive and there were a million things bouncing around. He had no idea what to focus on first but at least now he knew he wasn’t subconsciously changing the dates.

“So did you see Hannah?”

Zach slowed his pace and stopped walking as he turned to face Nick. “I saw her it was just before Thanksgiving 1994 and she still looked so sad. I wanted to go to her and tell her everything was okay but I couldn’t so I left but not before she looked at me and waved as if she knew who I was. I have to say it was kind of creepy.”

Nick looked at Zach. “Why does it always go back to that specific time? Did something happen that I missed? Did I block out something that fate wants me to remember?”

“I have no clue dude but I think maybe you need to figure this out.”

Nick knew Zach was right but he had no idea what it was or how to figure it out. He thought back to the day of his family’s funeral service but he had no idea what he was supposed to be remembering. He wondered if maybe Hannah had the answer to all his questions.

“Nick Hannah remembered you. When her Aunt asked her what she was thankful for she said ‘Aunt Ann I’m thankful for you.’ But I could hear her thoughts and she was thinking I’m thankful for Nick my guardian angel.”

Nick looked at Zach and for once in his life he didn’t know what to say. Hannah remembered him and was probably wondering why he never came back like he promised. He knew that Christmas Eve was too long to wait to see her. He hoped that maybe this Thanksgiving he could give her a real reason to be thankful.

A Thanksgiving to Remember

CHAPTER TEN
A THANKSGIVING TO REMEMBER


As Nick walked out of the theater he couldn’t get that movie out of his head. The Next Three Days had been a very real and thought provoking movie and he could see himself going to that extreme to save Hannah. He would cross hell and high water if anyone accused her of the unthinkable because he knew it just wasn’t in her to hurt another human being.

“Man that was intense.”

Nick looked up at Zach as he walked with his arm around Beth. “It was very suspenseful and whether she was guilty or not didn’t matter he made you believe she was innocent.”

Zach looked down at Beth nestled in the crook of his arm by his side. “Honey promise you will never be put in a compromising situation that ends with you in prison for life because I will so do that to get you out. However I’m not sure I will make it out alive.”

Beth laughed and hugged Zach as they walked. “I promise but if somehow I do end up in prison do not risk yourself to save me.”

Zach shrugged. “Sorry I can’t make that promise so you better not end up there.”

Nick laughed at their back and forth debate. He wondered if he would ever feel that comfortable with Hannah if she would ever look at him the way Beth looked at Zach. He slowed his pace and distanced himself from them so he didn’t have to see how in love they were because he already knew and it only made him think of Hannah and things that might never be.

Nick knew that by this time tomorrow he would know one way or the other how Hannah felt about him. He was more nervous than he had ever been in his entire life and he wasn’t sure what to make of that. He wanted her to feel something beyond the typical human reaction of puzzlement or disbelief he wanted her to feel the intense emotions that consumed him at just the thought of her. He knew in his heart that it didn’t matter how she looked he knew her soul and it was giving, loving and as pure as the white snow so he was sure that she would be the most beautiful woman he had ever met no matter what anyone else saw in her.

“Nick hurry up dude.”

Nick looked up to see everyone in the Explorer waiting on him. He shook his head trying to remove the thoughts of Hannah from his mind but they refused to go away. He climbed in the SUV and closed the door, still thinking of Hannah as they headed home.
****************

As the morning sun shined through the window Maddie sat up and rubbed the sleep from her eyes. She had slept in because it was Thanksgiving and her mother wouldn’t let her help with anything anyway. She always gave the staff the weekend off and she would prepare dinner herself.

Maddie looked around her childhood room and wondered why her mother refused to change one thing in the pink fantasy room of a teenage girl. She could see the pictures of her and Hannah in elementary school. She smiled as she remembered how they had hit it off immediately; almost if they had always known each other. They had both been as exceptionally smart and had gotten scholarships to the upscale preschool and then to Briarwood Academy.

At the time she and her mother had lived in a small apartment on the not so nice side of town. She had never met her daddy and she still had no idea who he was but mysteriously soon after she met Hannah she and her mother had moved to the upscale Meadow Brook estates. She had been so happy to be moving right next door to Hannah. Her mother had eventually met and married Justin Jacobs who was Hannah’s father’s lawyer. Maddie had never met her real father and she often wondered who he was and why he hadn’t cared enough to see her or want her. Justin had loved her and been wonderful to her mother but somewhere deep inside she still dreamed of finding her real father. She had broached the subject only once when she was sixteen but her mother had refused to listen or to be of any help at all. She had decided that today was the day she would make her mother listen to her and tell her the circumstances of her birth.

Maddie placed her bare feet on the hardwood floor and gasped at the cold. She immediately shoved her feet in her warm, fluffy house shoes. She scurried out of the room and down the hall to take a long hot shower. She needed to be prepared for the conversation that would soon follow. She adjusted the shower head and tested the water before climbing in. She picked up the shower gel and began to run scenarios of how she would approach her mother. She needed to know who her father was, if he was alive or dead and why she had never told her about him. As Maddie watched the bubbles swirl around the drain before disappearing she realized she had never even seen her birth certificate. She found that rather odd and again what was her mother hiding? Had she been afraid that her father wouldn’t love her? Or had she been afraid he might love her too much and take her away? Maddie had so many questions and only one person knew the answers, her mother.

Maddie turned the water off and grabbed the towel before stepping out of the shower. She dried her legs and arms before applying lotion as the need to know who her father was consumed her. She had this theory but it was almost too bizarre to be true but somewhere in the back of her mind she knew that Hannah was more to her than a friend and it hadn’t been until she met Hannah that her life had changed from one of poverty to comfort.

Maddie could still remember walking through the doors of the pretentious, overpriced preschool and Hannah had turned and smiled at her offering her a beacon of hope for what lay ahead. Maddie had watched as she said something to the man by her side before crossing to where she still stood. Hannah had reached for her hand and told her to hold her head up high and walk as if she belonged in the hallowed corridors as the snotty nosed, spoiled brats had begun to fill the halls. Maddie had laughed and looked up in to Hannah’s mischievous eyes and she had felt her breath catch in her throat as she saw her hazel eyes staring back at her as if she were looking in a mirror. She had never seen anyone with eyes like hers and she had often wondered where they came from obviously not her mother for she had crystal clear eyes as blue as the sky. She had felt an instant connection to Hannah that she had never been able to explain. The two had formed a friendship that was beyond anything else Maddie had ever encountered. As they grew older they were so attuned to one another’s emotions that they knew immediately when one was sick or upset. They could communicate with a touch, a smile or a look without ever uttering a single word. Maddie had found such a connection in her studies but it was always related to twins or multiple births but that had seemed so crazy but somehow now Maddie wondered if it wasn’t as crazy as she had always thought. She needed to know the truth and she would find it with or without her mother’s help.

She left the bathroom and began to pad down the hall as she heard her mother’s muffled sobs. She walked around the corner and peered in to the family room afraid of what she might find.
*************************

Hannah walked across her bedroom and looked at her collection of hand-made ornaments on her shelf. She ran a finger along the wing of her favorite the first one she had received when she had needed it the most. She wondered if she would get one this year or with the sudden appearance of Nick they would stop. She knew it was crazy to believe that all the gifts, trinkets and baubles had been from him but it was a nice dream that she had clung to as the years passed. She thought of him as she looked at the intricate designs and the love that each ornament reflected. She pulled herself out of her runaway thoughts and walked to the shower. She had a lot to do today and she wondered what this visit to Veronica’s would be like. She knew Veronica would try to set her up with some self-centered, egotistical, rich bachelor. She knew she wouldn’t be staying long so she would play nice and get the hell out as the first opportunity arose. She would run to her safe haven next door to Maddie’s house.

Hannah cut the shower short and climbed out. She wrapped the warm towel under her arms and around her slim waist before she walked back to the bedroom. She sat on the bed and ran her lotion covered hands over her legs and arms before pulling on her undergarments. She wasn’t sure why but for some reason she wanted to look nice today and to feel well sexy and that was something she never thought about. She wanted to feel confident and she knew that the Victoria Secret lingerie would help with that even if she was the only one who would ever see the sexy black lace bra and panty set hidden under her clothes. She walked to the closet and looked at all her boring clothes and wished she had went shopping for a new dress as well as the lacy undergarments. She moved the clothes around and finally settled for a Marc Jacobs hand knit sweater in a lovely shade of green that brought out the flicks of emerald in her eyes. She slipped it on and then decided to go with a pair of khaki slacks. She rummaged around in the bottom of her closet for her Kate Spade shoes and handbag. She really wasn’t trying to impress anybody but herself. Besides knew Veronica would send her upstairs to change in to something more suitable to the occasion.

Hannah looked in the mirror and decided it was as good as it gets. She walked to the bathroom and applied makeup and blew her hair dry. She added loose curls to her short hair for dramatic effect. She turned in front of the full length mirror and decided it was time to go. She turned the light off and grabbed her medicine bag, cell and handbag.

Hannah pulled the door closed behind her as she stepped out of the apartment and headed to the elevator. She needed to pickup flowers for Veronica and Kathleen Jacobs. Hannah held her head up high and tried to remind herself that it was Thanksgiving and that she did have a lot to be thankful for. She felt a single tear escape her eye as she thought of her father and their Thanksgiving tradition of pancakes and bacon at midnight stuffing themselves and then no food until dinner with the family the next the day. She smiled as she thought of all the good times she had to hold on to. Somehow she managed to breathe in and out before her fear and anxiety took over and forced her to run back down the hall to the safety of her apartment. She had hidden from the real world for too long and it was time she grew up.

Hannah walked the short distance to the elevator and waited as the door slid open. She stepped inside and watched the door close soundlessly in front of her. She stood in the confines of the elevator that suddenly seemed far too small and she wondered why she had never made friends with any of her neighbors. She saw the older man from 9Gstanding with his hand lovingly on his wife’s elbow and she wished she knew who they were. She had lived in this apartment building for seven years and she didn’t know a single person other than Carson and Mackenzie but they owned the building so they didn’t really count.

As the elevator door slid open the gray-haired man held his hand out for Hannah to exit. He and his wife fell in step behind her.

“Happy Thanksgiving Ms Roberts.”

Hannah looked up in surprise as the kind eyes of the older man smiled at her. “Same to you, but I am so sorry I don’t know your name.”

He waved off her apology. “I am Marcus Jamison and this is my wife of thirty plus year Vera. I hope you have a wonderful holiday.”

Hannah smiled. “Thanks you too.”

She watched as they walked hand in hand out of the building and in to a waiting taxi. She stared out the door and waited as her car pulled to the curb. She hurried outside as the bitter fall air whipped around her and ruffled her Burbury coat. She smiled at the valet and climbed behind the wheel and wondered what lay ahead of her. Hannah was almost afraid to imagine who was attending Veronica’s Thanksgiving dinner.

As the city disappeared in her rear view mirror she realized she needed a distraction from what was yet to come. She watched the trees and fields flying outside her window and she found her thoughts turning to Nick. She could see his electric blue eyes and windblown hair falling casually across his brow as if he were posing for GQ magazine. She could almost see his cocky smile and she wondered what his voice would sound like; would it sound like warm honey dripping off his tongue with every word he spoke or would it be strong and confident, or would it be a sexy, sultry drawl that made her want to know him better, much better? She smiled at the thought of how much she wanted to know him. She wondered if he would even be able to look at her when he learned the truth about her past and why he had ended up at that exact place on that precise day that he met her. She shivered at the thought of never knowing him or the bitterness that would be like venom to her soul when he told her he hated her. She swiped at her eyes as the tears threatened to fall. She drew a shaky breath and knew that a life without him would be no life at all. She wasn’t sure how or why but she loved him and she was afraid he would never know just how much.

Hannah pulled off the highway to the subdivision where Veronica lived. All the richest and most influential people lived here at Meadow Brook Estates. She knew she was in no shape to face Veronica or anyone else who might be waiting behind those heavy Mahogany doors. She pulled to the gate and pushed the button to have Charles buzz her in. She was feeling so out of sorts and so sentimental, what was going on with her today? The more she looked inside of herself the more she realized that the memories of her dad weren’t there anymore. She woke up every day in her familiar bed, in her worn plaid pajamas just as she had the day before and yet with each passing day she struggled to remember the timber of her father’s voice, the sound of his jovial laughter and the feel of his warm lips on her cheek as he kissed her goodnight. She could feel the sobs climbing up her throat and she wished she could scream but when she tried nothing came out. She looked at her childhood home and she knew that all her happy memories were just that and now this was just a shell, a house that would never be a home ever again.

Hannah forced herself to climb out of the car and put one foot in front of the other. As she neared the door she stopped and closed her eyes. She felt so alone and so afraid that she was losing her dad forever. Everyone had told her that he would always be with her and that she would have her memory of him to hold on to but the harder life got the farther away he seemed to be. She was afraid that she was changing and that with that she was losing him more each day. How was it possible that she couldn’t remember what his favorite ice-cream was or how he liked his coffee? He was almost a stranger to her now and she realized she had never known who he was. She knew him as her daddy but he had died before she knew him as a man. She could feel the tears falling down her face and she wished she were at home in the safety of her bedroom away from prying eyes and nosy people. She turned on one heel to leave but the door opened behind her and she heard Veronica calling her name.

“Hannah, please don’t leave.”

Veronica’s voice drifted along the cool November air and she sounded almost as bad as Hannah felt. She turned and saw that Veronica was standing in the door with her arms wrapped around her waist, clutching a heavy cardigan sweater around her stomach. Hannah could see the tracks that trailed down her cheeks were tears had fallen. She looked as if she might break down at any moment. Hannah walked back to the door and followed her in.

“Veronica has something happened? Tell me what’s wrong?”

Veronica pulled a tissue out of her pocket and blew her nose. “No nothing has happened at least not today. I suppose I am just feeling sentimental.”

Hannah was surprised to see that the house was empty. “Veronica what’s going on? Am I early?”

Veronica took Hannah’s hand and led her to the front parlor. She sat down on the davenport and took a deep breath. “I didn’t invite anyone this year; it’s just me and you kid.”

Hannah looked surprised and wondered exactly what was going on. She had never known Veronica to cancel a dinner or a party. “Okay so why exactly did you cancel?”

Veronica dried her eyes and watched Hannah as she sat beside her so fragile yet strong. She knew that Hannah had always been stronger than she realized and she wished that she had been there for her all these years instead of hiding from her own grief and now guilt.

“Hannah first I want to apologize to you for being so hard on you and treating you so badly. You will never know how truly sorry I am for that. I am becoming an old woman and I no longer feel the need to pretend that I am still young or that my life is exactly as I wanted it to be. In fact my life is nothing like I expected or planned on it to be.”

Hannah could hear the guilt and the remorse in her words and she wondered what any of this had to do with her. Veronica had never made it a secret that she didn’t want children or that she despised Hannah. When her father had died she had sent her away to live with her Aunt rather than deal with her herself.

“Veronica please there’s no need for this. I promise you that you have nothing to be sorry for.”

Veronica shook her head and squeezed Hannah’s hand. “Please I need to tell you the truth and I hope you will forgive me. When I met your father I thought he was charming and beautiful but I didn’t love him at least not at first. I knew he was from a good family and that he and I would be a good match. As you know my parents were from old money and if I had to marry rich I at least wanted to have my say on whom it would be. I know this sounds barbaric and crude but that was how was. Your father was in a similar situation so we agreed to marry. He had told me that his only condition for marrying me was that he wanted kids. I was a selfish girl and the last thing I wanted was to be saddled down with children. Your father was perfect in every way and I did grow to love him and I tried to get pregnant but I was barren and unable to have children. I was devastated to not be able to give him the one thing he wanted more than anything else. After exhausting every option we hired a surrogate who would conceive with his sperm and carry his child. I know it wasn’t your fault but I held it against you for so long that you were his daughter but not mine. I know you never understood and you’ve spent your entire life trying to understand how your mother could not love you. I was so jealous of you and the attention and love that your father had for you. When he brought you home everything changed and it was as if I didn’t even exist anymore and I know if I had just talked to him things might have been different but I was too stubborn. I am so sorry Hannah for not being the mother you needed. I hope you will forgive me. I have spent the past seventeen years trying to pretend that I was happy and that I was okay but I miss him every day and I am tired of lying to myself.”

Veronica was holding Hannah’s hand in a death grip as the tears poured from her eyes. Hannah didn’t know what to say. She had always thought she was unlovable for why else would her own mother hate her so much? Now she had to deal with the fact that Veronica wasn’t her real mother and that somewhere out there was a woman who was her mother. Her mind was whirling with thoughts what was she like? Did she think about Hannah? Did she know who She was? Did she have brother s and sisters out there? She was overwhelmed with this one little fact that changed everything including who she had always thought she was. She wondered if maybe she wasn’t broken after all, just misunderstood by growing up with a woman who was no relation to her at all.

“Veronica I understand how you must have felt and I am so sorry for that but do you have any idea who my real mother is or was?’

Veronica gave her a weak smile. “Hannah I have made such a mess of everything and I should have told you after your father died the truth about your birth. I think maybe you would’ve had a happy childhood had you known but I thought that maybe by having Maddie next door and you spending so much time with her and her family that maybe you would figure it out on your own.”

Hannah had no idea what Veronica was rambling about what could Maddie and her family possibly have to do with her? She looked at Veronica waiting for an answer. “Veronica just tell me the truth you owe me at least that.”

Veronica stood to her feet and began to pace around the room, lost in her own thoughts. She stood at the window that faced Kathleen Jacob’s house. Veronica began to speak in a low voice that was etched in pain.

“It’s no secret I never liked Kathleen or her nosy little daughter. I knew the first time I laid eyes on Madeline that she was related to your father that complexion, those enigmatic hazel eyes and her curiosity it was all just like him. I was so sure that he had an affair with Kathleen and not only that but he had moved her in next door to flaunt it in my face. I hated her and every time I saw Madeline it was like salt in an open wound.

I remember the day you brought her here for the first time and I was so devastated that I didn’t leave my room for days. I loved your father so much but the story he told was so out there that I never believed him until it was too late.

Hannah was clutching her hands and trying to stay calm. “What was the story Veronica?”

Veronica dropped the drapes and turned to look at Hannah. “Madeline Jacobs is your sister.”

Hannah felt light head as the floor began to spin under her feet. She couldn’t speak or move she felt her body falling as her head hit the floor her last thought was of Maddie, her father and who their mother might be.
*****************

Kathleen Jacobs had stood at the bay window that looked out toward the Roberts estate and watched for Hannah’s car to arrive. She began to think of all the times over the years that she had been here and spent endless hours with Maddie. The two girls were so much alike and yet they didn’t even see it. They had the same petite frame and build, the same extraordinary hazel eyes that seemed to change color based on their mood. They had chestnut brown hair that as young girls had been cut the same way every august before school began. Of course they had developed their own sense of style but they still seemed to steer toward the same choices in makeup, hair and clothes.

Kathleen was brought of her random daydream by the sound of Hannah’s car pulling in next door. The sight of the beautiful young woman brought unshed tears to her eyes and she ached at the pain she could see on Hannah’s face as she climbed out of the car. She could see the wistful way she looked at the house and the fear that seemed to radiate from her forlorn eyes. She walked slowly along the cobblestone drive and she seemed overcome with grief, regret and nostalgia. Kathleen could see her clutching her throat as the tears began to fall and she wanted to run across the space that stood between them and pull Hannah into her arms. She wanted to tell her that everything was going to be alright and that it was time for her to come home.

Kathleen’s knees had grown week as she slid to the floor and rested her head on the window seat. She could feel the tears falling for all the years that had been lost and the lies that had been told. So many secrets that now seemed pointless, unnecessary and in the end very mean. She dried her eyes on her sleeve and tried to pull herself together as she heard footsteps pattering down the hall. She rose to her feet and glanced out the window once last time to see Hannah entering the house with Victoria.

Kathleen crossed the room and wondered which of her children had finally decided to get out of bed. She hadn’t bothered to wake them it was a Holiday after all and she still had a lot to do before dinner would be ready. She waited until she saw Maddie poke her head in the doorway. She could see the storms brewing in her eyes and she knew this day had just took a turn down a long a slippery slope. She knew that look in Maddie’s eyes she wanted answers and she wouldn’t stop until she had them. Kathleen wrung her hands together and wondered if it was time to tell the truth.

“Morning honey, is your brother still asleep?”

Maddie nodded, “Yeah I guess so. Mom we need to talk and please for the love of all that is good and holy tell me the truth.”

Kathleen reached for Maddie’s hand and nodded as they sat down on the couch. Kathleen knew that the time for answers was way overdue.
************************

Nick watched Zach and Beth in the front seat of the SUV as they talked and laughed about Aunt Gertrude and Uncle Al and whether or not they would even remember who they were. They were eccentric and always the life of any party. Nick watched the scenery outside his window as they drove past the open fields and country homes and he wondered where Hannah was and how she was doing. She was front and center in his mind because otherwise he would be consumed with memories of his last Thanksgiving with his parents, sisters and the announcement from his parents that in seven months there would be a new baby. He had hoped for a brother and the doctors had said it would be a boy. He had so much he wanted to show him and teach him but that fateful day had taken all his dreams and his family away. He shook off the depressing thoughts and listened as Zach tried to explain which of his family member might be the craziest and who to stay away from. Nick laughed at the description of Uncle Chester he was his mom’s grandmother’s brother and he was like ninety seven years old. He had thinning gray hair that he still tired to comb even though it tended to fall back exactly the same way. He was a spry old bird who still had his sane mind and would tell you stories for hours about growing up in the early 1900’s and what WW1 was really like not to mention black Friday and all the discoveries that had taken place over the span of his lifetime. What Zach liked most about Uncle Chester was the look in his eyes when he talked about Maybelline his wife of seventy years she had passed away ten years past and he still talked about sitting on the front porch drinking lemonade, laying by the creek bank and watching the sunset and of course the time she pushed him out of the old elm tree and broke his arm. Nick laughed as he listened to Zach talk and he wondered if he would ever have a life like that, memories like that and he knew that the only person he wanted to share a life like that with was Hannah.

Zach prattled on as Nick closed his eyes and dreamed of a day when he would sit with Hannah on a beach somewhere watching the seagulls as the sun as it dipped behind a perfect summer sky. The time when the sound of little feet would be pitter pattering down the hall on Christmas morning, grandchildren to dote on and a life filled with more love than he deserved. The sound of the car slowing and the gravel crunching under the tires brought him out of his melancholy and he prayed tonight would be the first day of the rest of his life.

The Truth

CHAPTER ELEVEN
THE TRUTH

As Maddie sat on the sofa she watched the emotions flitting across her mother’s face. She had always been able to gauge her mother’s mood by her face she was an open book with everything she felt reflected in her eyes. Maddie knew that this was not going to be easy for either of them but she had to know the truth.

“Mom you know that I love you and that no matter what the truth reveals I will love you still.”

Kathleen took Maddie’s hand and wished that it was that simple but she knew that Maddie might very well hate her when she learned the truth. She took in a deep breath and prayed for the strength she needed to tell her daughter the truth about her father, her brother and the sister she had always known as her best friend.

“Maddie you remember when you were little and things weren’t always easy for us. We lived in a one bedroom apartment and I worked two jobs as well as night classes at the community college two nights a week. I loved you and wanted to be able to provide a good life for you.”

Maddie squeezed her mother’s hand and smiled at her. “Mom I know that and I know you did the best you could but honestly I am more concerned about the parts I don’t know.”

Kathleen could see the questions popping in her sparkling hazel eyes. She had always been able to tell what kind of mood her girls were in by the color of their eyes. Brown meant they were thoughtful and reflective but when the green sparks flew they were up to something. She could see the deep brown eyes watching her face and waiting for more.

“What you don’t know is that when I was eighteen I ran away from home. My parents were horrible people who could have cared less about me and I knew that as soon as I turned eighteen I was out of there. I ended up in Idylwood it was a nice town and I knew that I could make it work. I had no idea what was going to happen to me but I had a feeling that everything would work out. When I was nineteen I needed money so I decided to become a surrogate and help some deserving couple become a family. I first met Justin Jacobs when I was had just turned twenty and was about to deliver the baby of Davis William Roberts. I was the surrogate for him and his wife Veronica but what he didn’t know was that I was carrying twins. I was supposed to give him one child and I knew he would want both of you so I never told him that I was having twins. I had scheduled a c-section but fortunately for me you two decided to come early. I had done my research and I went to a small hospital in Alexandria where no one knew me. I gave birth to you and your twin sister, Hannah.”

Kathleen waited for the name to sink in and she saw the recognition in her eyes as it all fell into place. She waited for the fury and the hate to take root but all she saw in Maddie’s eyes was more questions.

“Mom are you telling me that Hannah and I are sisters?”

Kathleen nodded her head. “I suppose I got the idea after watching The Parent Trap while I was pregnant. So when you guys came it worked perfectly no one at the hospital knew me so after you were born I called Davis and told him I had went into labor early while visiting family out of town. He was upset but we agreed that as soon as I could travel I would bring the baby to him. I know I was wrong for not telling him about you but I couldn’t bear the thought of giving you both up; it broke my heart to give up Hannah. So when I got back to town I called and made the arrangement to meet and sign all the paperwork and give him Hannah. I took my check and thought I would never see him again. I started a nice life with you but not a day went by that I didn’t think of Hannah. I truly didn’t think I would ever see her again but somehow fate had other plans. When I enrolled you in preschool they were amazed at how smart you were and that was how you ended up Oak Hill Academy and you and Hannah had been immediately drawn to one another. I knew my charade was up when Justin came knocking on my door to tell me that he worked for Davis and that he very much wanted to meet with me. So I went and he was nothing like I expected he was kind, down to earth and understanding. He told me he wanted to see you and to know you but that he understood how complicated that would be so he offered me another life. The next thing I knew we were moving here and you and Hannah were inseparable and even though you didn’t know it you were with your father and I was able to get to know Hannah as well. I am so sorry for not telling you the truth and I wish that I could go back and change it but I can’t. “

Maddie sat in silence trying to make sense of it all and she just couldn’t seem to wrap her head around it all. She felt as if she was in one of those made for TV movies based on true events. She finally looked up at her mother and she crumbled as she watched the tears falling desperately down her cheeks. Maddie reached for her as they clutched each other and cried for all that had been lost over the years. Maddie wished she had known the truth it would have changed so much and Hannah wouldn’t have felt so alone all these years. She realized her mother had said that her brother had something to do with this as well and she knew she needed to know the rest of the story.

“Mom you said Nate had something to do with this so what’s the story?”

Kathleen wiped her eyes on a tissue and nodded her head. She knew this was going to hurt Maddie to know that Nate’s being a part of their family was another lie. She coughed and finally looked at Maddie.
“You remember when Davis died and I immediately left to visit Aunt Martha?”

Maddie nodded her head as she thought back to that day so long ago; the day her father had died and she hadn’t even known. She had been playing on the beach completely unaware that her father had died.

“You know we stayed for a while and then when we came home Nate was here with Justin.” Maddie nodded. “Well Nate wasn’t really Justin’s nephew who’s mother had died he was the son of Nathaniel O’Brien the other vehicle that was involved in the accident that killed your father. We adopted him and raised him as our own.”

Maddie could see the pictures flashing through her head of Nick’s family and his very pregnant mother. She had thought the baby had died but now she realized that he had survived and been living as her brother all this time. She could see it now in the way his hair fall across his brow and the deep blue of his eyes he looked exactly as Nick must have looked at seventeen. She wondered how she had never noticed it before.

“So Nathaniel Joseph is Nicolas Jordan O’Brien’s little brother.”

Kathleen looked at her daughter as if she had no idea what she was talking about. “Maddie who is Nicolas? All of Nate’s family was killed in the accident it was by the grace of God that they managed to save him.”

Maddie shook her head no. “No mom sorry but Nate has an older brother who is a year older than me and Hannah. He is a genius who works for the Pentagon and is currently a patient of mine oh and did I mention that Hannah is in love with him?”

Kathleen ha d no idea what her daughter was ranting and raving about but she intended to find out. “Maddie honey slow down and tell me what’s going on.”

Maddie looked at her mother and she wondered how she could take in Nate and leave his brother alone with no one. She took a deep breath and began at the beginning when Hannah had first met Nick all those years ago.

Kathleen listened as Maddie told her about Hannah’s unexpected visitor at the wake and how she had been obsessed with finding him ever since. Kathleen felt horrible for Nick if she had known she would have taken him in as well; now she would have to tell Nate that he had a brother out there somewhere.

As Kathleen began to speak she heard the doorbell and she wondered who on earth would be calling on a Holiday at the worst possible time. She patted Maddie’s arm. “Honey I’ll be right back.”

Kathleen walked to the door and looked out the peephole to see Hannah nervously on her doorstep looking more lost than ever. She opened the door as quickly as possible and pulled Hannah into her arms.

“Hannah honey what’s wrong?”

Hannah looked as if she were in shock as she trembled in Kathleen’s arms. She was overcome with ever smell, sound and touch that surrounded her. This woman was her mother and this is where she should have grown up. She pushed away from Kathleen as Maddie came down the hall to the door.

“Hannah what are you doing here?”

Maddie really looked at Hannah and she saw what had always been there. The same ivory complexion, the same wide hazel eyes, the same unruly brown hair that surrounded the same heart shaped face. She reached for Hannah and held her close and breathed in the moment committing it memory this was her sister.

“Maddie we have so much to talk about.”

Maddie looked at Hannah and she knew that she knew the truth. “So Veronica told you the truth?”

Hannah nodded and she knew that Maddie knew the truth as well. “I guess your had a little heart to heart with your mom too?”

Maddie took Hannah’s hand and led her to the family room. “Our mom Hannah.”

Hannah glanced at Kathleen and she could see the love shining in her eyes, the love that had always been there. She sat on the couch beside Maddie who refused to let go of her hand. Kathleen sat on Hannah’s other side and began to speak.

“Hannah there’s more to this story but I’m not sure where to start.”

Hannah was about to say from the beginning but she heard a noise coming from the hall. She knew it was probably Nate, she hadn’t seen him in six or seven years and she wondered how he looked now. He had always been an exceptionally beautiful child and no doubt a heartbreaker now that he was seventeen. He had always had a crush on her and she was sure he had outgrown that now. She looked up at the entryway to say hi but as his broad shoulders and six foot frame filled the opening she felt her breath catch and her heart stop for a second as visions of Nick filled her head. She blinked twice and her last coherent thought was she must be dreaming because the young man standing in front of her had Nick’s eyes.
**********************

As Nick and his friends drove home he wondered what Hannah was doing right now and if she would be home when he knocked on her door. He was more nervous than he had ever been his palms were sweating, his stomach had knots in it and his head was filled with scenarios ranging from get the hell out to I’ll love you forever. He wished he knew exactly what would happen when he knocked on her door but that was one of many unsolved mysteries of his world. He sighed as he tried to think of anything other than what would happen later tonight. He was lost in his own thoughts he hadn’t noticed that the vehicle had stopped moving. He looked out to see that they were in front of Beth’s parent’s house. He watched as Zach climbed out and walked her up the steps he turned his face away as Zach began to lower his head to kiss her goodbye. Nick climbed out of the back seat and got comfortable in the front as he waited for Zach to the SUV. He was smiling and completely oblivious to the cold air whipping around him as he climbed in beside him.

“So Nick what’s your plan for tonight?”

Nick looked at Zach and shrugged his shoulders not really wanted to tell him. Nick was known for being a hard ass and never letting emotion have any bearing over his decisions. Zach could see him squirming in his seat.

“Come on dude this is me remember? Tell me what insane plan you have up your sleeve.”

Nick looked out the window at the scenery flying past his window. He wondered how Zach still had a license after so many speeding tickets but of course when you and family in law enforcement tickets tended to disappear.

“I’m kind of afraid to talk about it what if jinks it?”

Zach looked over at his friend and wondered what was going on in that head of his. He was always the self confident one with no fear of anything but right now he didn’t look like he had any confidence at all. Zach shook his head Hannah had really done a number on him and he hadn’t even met her yet well not the grown up Hannah anyway.

“Look I just don’t want to talk about it or I might back out of going. Trust me you’ll be the first to hear about it.”

Zach could see the worry knitting his brow and the tension in his voice was so thick he could all but feel it in the air around him. He wanted to reassure Nick that everything would be fine but he had no way of knowing that for sure and he didn’t want to lie to his best friend. He remained silent as he parked on the curb and killed the engine.

“Ok Nick but at least try to relax and above all else remember to breath.”

Nick laughed at Zach’s attempt to lighten his somber mood. He just had so much going through his head and he wasn’t sure what to do first. He had to make tonight perfect and he only hoped that Hannah was as ready to meet him as he was to meet her. He could imagine how smart, wonderful, lovely and completely enchanting. He unbuckled his seatbelt while opening the door of the SUV he jumped nimbly to his feet and walked up the sidewalk. He walked into the house and threw himself on the couch to try and block out everything else around him. Zach followed right behind him and knew he wanted to be alone so he walked to the bedroom to call Beth.

Nick glanced at his watch and saw that it was only a little after three and he had no idea what Hannah might be doing for the holiday so he didn’t want to show up when she was still out. He closed his eyes tried to shut out the white glare from the overhead light. He squeezed his eyelids tightly together and tried to focus on how not to screw up tonight and ruin any hope he had for a happily ever after. He began to breathe deeply in and out pushing all negative thoughts away he felt a sense of peace take over as he dreamt of what she would look like or what she might say to him. He could feel all the bad thoughts leaving and slowly he drifted off to sleep still thinking of Hannah and how tonight would change everything one way or another.

Nick shuddered once as sleep took over and he gave in to the dream playing out in his head. He saw his mother and father drifting just below the white light above his head and he raised his hands for them but they were always just beyond his reach. He could see their lips moving but their words sounded like static on a radio station that was just out of range. He struggled to his feet and tried desperately to catch what they were trying to tell him because he knew it was important. The air around him seemed to still and the silence of the room was louder than the raging winds outside his window. He stopped struggling all together and just listened for the voice of his mother. He heard her crystal clear voice that sounded so much like church bells on a perfect Sunday morning and his heart began to beat faster, more erratic. He could feel her breath warm on his ear as she spoke, low for only him to hear.

“Nicolas Jordan O’Brien you are a beautiful, talented and smart young man but you have wasted so many years blaming yourself for something that was in no way your fault. I know you think you are disgracing our memory by living your life but you are wrong. The only way to keep our memory alive is to live the happiest and best life you possibly can. I know you have so much to offer the world and there is someone special out there waiting for you. Nick my son I love you to the ends of the earth and back again and it is with all the love in my heart that I beg you to stop wasting your life trying to preserve our memory and just live your life. There are so many things waiting out there for you and you deserve all the happiness in the world so go get it.”

As the voice began to drift away he felt the touch of angel soft lips graze his cheek and then they were gone. He wasn’t sure if he had dreamt them or if they had really been there. He wondered if maybe his father had been playing around with the time machine before he died. Nick had never told any of his team that the notes for the project had been in his father’s unfinished projects. He raised his hand to his cheek and felt the still cool place that the kiss had been and he wanted to believe that his parents had been there.

Nick got to his feet and walked to the kitchen to grab a Coke and he wondered what he should do for Hannah. He wanted to knock her off her feet and make her fall head over heels in love with him but he wasn’t sure just how to do that. He began to pace the kitchen as an idea began to take root in his head. He smiled to himself as he chugged the rest of his soda and began to make a mental list of what he had to do in a very short time.

******************

Hannah sat on the couch staring at the ceiling fan as it twirled around quietly. Her brain was all fuzzy and she felt as if she had been asleep for hours. She began to stir on the couch and she was immediately surrounded by hands pushing her back down on the couch. She opened one eye and squinted at the faces peering down at her. Kathleen, Maddie and Nate and that feeling of déjà hit her all over again. She laid her head back down and took several deep breaths before trying to speak.

“So someone care to explain to me what happened?”

Maddie knelt beside the couch and took Hannah’s hand rubbing soothing circles on her palm. She could see the strain on Hannah’s face and she tried to sound so strong but Maddie could hear the fear creeping into her voice.

“Hannah you passed out.”

Hannah slowly sat up on the couch and she remembered seeing a guy in the door that looked so much like Nick it literally knocked her off her feet. She peaked at the brown haired, blue-eyed six foot tall teenager standing at the foot of the couch and she once again thought of Nick.

“Ok that seems like it happened ages ago so what time is it now?”

Kathleen sat by Hannah and spoke to her softly as if she were a young child. “Sweetheart it’s almost two. Your body shut down and you passed out. Maddie checked your blood sugar it was 55 it must have been a combination of stress, too much information and not eating.”

Hannah shook her head and tried to offer them a weak smile but she just didn’t have it in her. She laid her head on the back of the couch and took in another deep breath trying to clear her head.

“So it’s all true then?”

Kathleen nodded and felt the first of another round of tears fall. She looked at Hannah for some sign of what she might be feeling but her face remained calm as if she had no thoughts what so ever about the turn of events that had taken place.

“Hannah I have told Maddie every gory detail and I understand if you want her to tell you the story but please know that I have always loved you. I am so sorry for not telling you both the truth all those years ago. “

Nate had sat in the recliner all afternoon watching Hannah sleep and wondering if she was okay. He had had a crush on her for as long as he could remember and to see her like this broke his heart. He knew she was too old for him but he could still dream and every dream he had ever had included Hannah. He sometimes thought about how unfair it was that if he were the one that was older the eight years that separated them wouldn’t make a bit of difference in the world. He began to toss around the idea of what it would be like if in few years when he was 21 and she was 28 that wouldn’t be that much difference. He stood now watching her as her huge hazel eyes seemed to be alive flashing with questions as she looked from one face to another. He almost felt a chill run down his back as she rested her beautiful eyes on him and watched his face for some sign but a sign of what he had no idea. He shuffled his feet uncomfortable until she lowered her eyes and he could breathe again.

“So it seems like I’m the only one here out of the loop so does anyone care to enlighten me on what’s going on?”

All eyes were now on Nate as she waited for someone to answer his question. He watched as Hannah and Maddie looked away from his probing eye until his mother finally cleared her throat. She stood from the couch and walked to where he stood placing an arm around his wide shoulders.

“Nate this may come a shock to you but Hannah is Maddie’s twin sister.”

Nate looked at his mother’s weary eyes and he almost laughed out loud. He had always suspected that Hannah was related to his sister and he had always suspected that his mother had had an affair with Hannah’s dad and they decided to split the kids. He never dreamed his theory was right just the musing of an overactive kid’s brain.

“Actually it’s not that big of a shock to me at all. I mean just look at them how could you not tell their related?”

Kathleen should have known her son had noticed after all he was a genius in genetics. She knew she needed to tell him the truth about his birth parents but she just didn’t think she had it in her today. She watched as Hannah and Maddie stood to leave the room.

“Mom I’m going to take Hannah to my room and talk we’ll down for dinner in half an hour.”

As the girls left the room Kathleen turned her full attention to her son. She couldn’t believe he was seventeen and would be graduating in May the years had seemed to fly by until they had all but disappeared. She put her hand on his arm as he was still watching the doorway Hannah had just walked through.

“Come on Romeo you can help me set the table.”

Nate looked at her as if he had no idea what she was talking about. He followed her down the hall and into the kitchen. He began to pick at an imaginary spot on his shirt as he avoided his mother’s watchful eye.

“Nate you need to get over this crush you have on Hannah.”

He stopped fidgeting and looked up into his mother’s loving eyes. “Is it that obvious?”

Kathleen wiped her hands on a dish towel before putting her arms around Nate. He was such a handsome young man and had so much to offer any girl but he had never given much time to any of the would be girlfriends that called, texted and sent him endless friend request on Face Book. She knew he was much older than his seventeen years but he was still so young and she wanted to protect his heart.

“Honey you have had a thing for Hannah since you were four and you picked my prize winning roses for her birthday. I was so mad at you but now I think it was adorable. Nate you need to focus on your future and finding a girl your own age.”

Nate grinned at his mother, “Now where’s the fun in that?”

Kathleen chuckled as he raised his eyes at her. “I just don’t want to see you get hurt okay?”

“Not a problem you know now that I think about it would be a little weird now, almost like dating my sister.”

Kathleen laughed as she took the turkey out of the oven and watched as Nate began to carve it. She bustled around the kitchen and carried several dishes to the dining room. She fussed over the center piece while Nate set the table before placing the platter in the center of the table between the pumpkins and gourds. He thought it looked nice but his mother continued to cluck her tongue as she moved the cranberry sauce to the other side of the stuffing before finally saying it was perfect. She sent Nate to inform the girls that dinner was finally ready. She ran her palms across her apron before removing it and placing it in the drawer by the fridge.

Kathleen was a ball of nerves as she wondered what Hannah must think of her and even worse what was Maddie thinking? She feared that after all these years she might lose them both and she knew that she would never be able to bear it if they disappeared from her life all together. She knew that when Nate found out he had a brother and was heir to part of the O’Brien fortune he would leave her behind. She began to nibble on her bottom lip as she envisioned this huge house empty leaving her with nothing but memories of what might have been if only she had been stronger and braver. She straightened her blouse and dried her tears as she heard the kids coming down the hall.

She smiled as they filed into the room and all talking ceased. She looked from one face to the next and she felt her heart overflowing with the love she had for her children. Hannah with her soft kind eyes looking at her as if she wasn’t quite sure what to do or say, Maddie with her determined stance and fiery eyes daring her to move and say something to make this all right and Nate her baby boy all grown up still a child but with the mind and body of a man. He smiled at her and took her hand as he whispered in her ear. “I love you mom, we all do.”

Kathleen kissed his tanned cheek and wondered just where all the time had gone and why she had waited so long to try and make things right. She looked at Hannah and opened her arms holding her breath as she waited for Hannah to move. Hannah watched Kathleen’s face as all her doubts and fears shown like a beacon in the dark cold night. Hannah wasn’t sure how she felt about the turn of events that had taken place so long ago but she had loved this woman from the day she met her and she had always wished she was her mother. She realized that here after all this time one of her dreams had finally come true. She moved toward Kathleen as she fell in her arms she realized she had so much to be thankful for.
Hannah eased away from Kathleen and gently raised her hand to wipe the tears falling from her eyes. She looked at her face as if seeing her for the first time. She had the same heart shaped face and the same soft curls that refused to be tamed. Hannah wasn’t sure what to do or say but she wanted so badly to tell Kathleen that everything would be okay.

“Kathleen, I know you love me I suppose I have always known that but this is a lot of information to take in. I don’t hate you so please get that thought out of your head and for now let’s enjoy our first Thanksgiving together as a family. We can sort the rest out tomorrow Mom. “

Kathleen smiled through her tears as she gathered her children together in one big group hug. She had never felt more relieved or loved in her entire life. She breathed a silent prayer of thanks before releasing her hold on her family.

“Ok take your seats and Nate you say grace. Hannah you need to eat and keep that blood sugar up before I die of a heart attack from seeing you like that.”

Hannah nodded before lowering her head as Nate gave thanks for the food and the hands that had prepared it, for having such a wonderful family and all the love that came with it. Hannah smiled to herself as Nate’s deep voice floated in the room and she wondered what other surprises and dreams might come true today.

Waiting For The End To Come

CHAPTER TWELVE
WAITING FOR THE END TO COME

Hannah leaned against the back of the elevator and closed her eyes. She was physically and mentally exhausted and honestly didn’t think she could take anymore drama today. She was still reeling from the knowledge that Maddie was her twin sister which meant that Kathleen was her mother and that Veronica was of no relation to her at all and Nate was Nick’s little brother. She was still having trouble comprehending the fact that Veronica wasn’t her mother much less how all this would affect Nick. As the doors slid open Hannah whispered his name out loud. She sighed at the sound of his name flowing from her parted lips. She felt the overwhelming need to find him and it had absolutely nothing to do with her unrequited love for her dream of him. No it was the simple fact that she wanted to tell him that he wasn’t alone that he had a brother.

She could relate to how that might make him feel like a feather in a windstorm, swimming in uncertainty and questions. She knew the dynamics of her life had changed over the course of a few hours and four little words ‘Maddie’s your twin sister. That knowledge had changed everything she had ever thought about herself and who she had mistakenly thought she was.

She stepped out of the elevator without any thought of what she was doing. She walked the short distance to the end of the hall and mechanically unlocked her door. She tossed her keys on the entryway table as her feet moved by habit toward the couch. She unbuttoned her coat dropping it on the arm of the recliner as she sunk down in the cushions of the sectional. Hannah glanced at the clock as she kicked off her shoes before resting his heels on the coffee table. She glanced at the clock and wondered what to do at 7p.m on Thanksgiving night. She listlessly grabbed the remote and began to flip the channels. Earnest Saves Christmas, miracle on 34th Street, A Christmas Carol and Home Alone. She laughed ironically at that one for it was the story of her life. Since her father’s death she could be found home alone on any given night. She rested her head on the back of the couch and groaned at how pathetic her life really was.

She was pulled out of her jumbled thoughts by the shrill ringing of the phone reverberating off the walls of her quiet apartment. She sat up and grabbed the phone with a breathless “Hello.”

She smiled as Maddie’s frantic voice coursed over the line. “H are you okay? I mean seriously you probably shouldn’t be alone.”

“Mad, calm down I’m fine.”

Maddie could hear the strain of the day in her small quiet voice. She was afraid Hannah might be suffering from shock. She was sure that the stress of the day might be or soon would be wrecking havoc on her blood sugars.

“Hannah I really don’t think you need to be alone. I saw you collapse at Mom’s and I don’t want that to happen with you all alone. Have you checked your blood sugar since you got home?”

“Maddie I just walked in the door. Hold on I’ll check it now.”

Maddie tapped her foot impatiently as Hannah put her on speaker phone and walked her through what she was doing. “Ok I am inserting the test strip now. “

Maddie could hear the beep as the strip loaded. “Hannah stop playing and jab your finger already.”

Hannah laughed as she dabbed the strip with a dot of blood. She watched the screen countdown until the results flashed on the screen 158. “Maddie its 158 which isn’t that bad considering the pecan pie I ate before I left your mom’s house.”

Maddie wasn’t happy with the numbers. “Our mom’s house and that means that your numbers are dropping fast so I don’t like the idea of you being alone. I’m putting on my shoes and I’ll be there in an hour.”
Hannah heard the concern in Maddie’s voice flowing around her. She knew Maddie meant well but she honestly just wanted to be left alone to deal with her runaway thoughts.

“Mad I’m tired and really just need some alone time. I promise to check my blood sugars at least once every hour unless I feel weak or shaky. Besides we’re still going shopping tomorrow so I’ll see you bright and early in the wee small hours before dawn.”

Maddie laughed at the dry humor she heard in Hannah’s voice. “Are you sure you’re okay? I can be there in an hour.”

Hannah heard a knock on her door as she pushed herself up off the couch she chided Maddie. “Mad, is this a joke? Are you talking to me from the hall outside my door?”

Maddie heard the concern in Hannah’s voice. “H I’m still at Mom’s so I am absolutely not at your door.”

Hannah laughed sure that when she opened the door that Maddie would be standing there with what was left of the pecan pie and diet coke. “Sure Mad, I’m opening the door now…”

“Hannah it’s not me.”

Hannah removed the chain and pulled the door open expecting to see Maddie grinning back at her but all she saw was a Christmas tree with legs. She stepped back inside the door and whispered in to the phone. “Maddie there’s a walking Christmas tree outside my door please tell me it’s you.”

“Sorry Hannah it’s not me but don’t hang up until you know who it is.”

Hannah held the phone tightly in her hand and peered around the tree trying to see who it was. “Excuse me but I think maybe you have the wrong apartment.”

Hannah watched as the tree moved. “This is Ms Hannah Roberts apartment isn’t it?”

“Yes but I didn’t order a Christmas tree so I really think you have the wrong apartment.”

“Look lady I took the order and it’s my job to delivery it so what you do with it is up to you. So where do you want it?”

Hannah stepped to the side and motioned for him to step inside. “This way put it over by the window.” Hannah whispered into the phone. “Mad don’t hang up in case this guy tries to kill me.”

Maddie gave a shaky laugh, “I’m right here H.”

Hannah watched as the guy placed the tree by the window and plugged in the lights that had already been pre-strung on the branches. She wondered what he looked like from the sound of his low sexy voice he was probably one of those drop dead gorgeous guys who knew it. She paced the area behind the couch and watched as he straightened to his full height of about 6’1 and rather thin if Hannah had to guess she would say he weighed around 170lbs she thought his butt was very nice but wondered what he looked like. She was rather appalled at herself for fantasizing about some delivery guy what was wrong with her? She leaned against the back of the couch and closed her eyes. She knew she was trying to find some sense of normalcy, anything really to take her mind off of everything that was going on in her life.

Hannah felt a soft touch on her arm along with a million tiny sensations coursing through her body. She gasped at the feel of his skin gently touching hers. She shivered and drew in a deep breath before opening her eyes to see the most incredible blue eyes gazing down at her face. Everything around her seemed to blur and the sound of Maddie’s frantic voice dimmed as her head began to swim. She held the phone tightly to her ear as she breathed her voice barely above a whisper. “Oh my God.”

The last thought that ran through her mind before the darkness consumed her was if it was possible to drown in eyes that were as blue as the ocean.

Nick caught Hannah before she hit the floor. He picked all 119lbs of her up and carried her to the couch. He could hear the voice shrieking on the phone that lay on the floor and he walked back to grab it. He knew it was none other than Madeline Jacobs his shrink because he had heard Hannah call her Mad. He wasn’t sure what to say to her but he had to ease her worries.

“Dr. Jacobs?”

He spoke her name questioningly in case he was wrong. He smiled as he heard a sigh of relief on the other end of the line. “Yes this is Madeline Jacobs but who may I ask is this and what the hell happened to Hannah?”

Nick smiled at the concern he heard in her confused words. “Calm down Doc she’s fine. I think she fainted I laid her on the couch. I guess seeing me was a shock.”

Maddie had calmed down enough to recognize the voice of Nicholas O’Brien and she feared that Hannah was most definitely in shock now.

“Nick what are you doing at Hannah’s apartment with a Christmas tree?”

He chuckled at her reaction to his sudden appearance. “I wanted to surprise Hannah and honestly I’ve waited my whole life to meet her so I was tired of waiting. I suppose maybe this wasn’t my smartest attempt at meeting a woman.”

Maddie would have laughed but she was more concerned about Hannah’s well being than about Nick’s attempts at a love life. “Look Nick I would love to hear the story of your life but right now I need you to do me a favor. Hannah’s had a long and stressful day so I am concerned about her blood sugar.”

Nick grew still as Maddie’s words registered in his fuzzy brain. “Hannah’s diabetic?”

“Yes she is and she’s already had one incident today of hypoglycemia so I need you to check her blood sugar.”

Nick ran his sweat slick palms over his jean clad legs. “Ok I know how to do that where will I find her kit?”

Maddie was sure that Hannah would have had it close at hand. “Look on the coffee table for a small black case, everything you need is in there.”

As Maddie talked softly in his ear his eyes were scanning the room until he saw the kit on the end table. He grabbed it and unzipped the case to remove the meter, the lancet, a test strip and an alcohol swab. He kept his hands steady as he swabbed her finger and gently rubbed it to make the blood flow to the end of her finger. He then pushed the button lancing the skin until he saw the tiny drop of blood. He dabbed it on the test strip and waited as it counted down. He held his breathing praying the numbers would be okay although he was skeptical since she never flinched as he pricked her finger.

“Doc it says its 33 I need to call an ambulance.”

“Nick calm down. I need you to stay calm and do exactly what I say.”

“Ok what do can I do?”

“Go to the kitchen it’s the door to the left of the couch.”

Nick walked to the door and hurried inside. “OK now what?”

“Walk to the cabinet above the sink and look for a red plastic case with an unbroken seal.”

Nick jerked the door open and saw the red case he picked it up and broke the seal.” Ok I have it now what?”

Nick walked back to Hannah as she listened to Maddie’s instructions.

“That is a glucagon kit it will bring her back in minutes. I need you to insert the needle into to the vile of liquid and then insert it intramuscularly in her arm or upper thigh and then empty out the syringe.”

Nick plunged the needle in to her arm and he cringed as her skin tore under the needle. He emptied the syringe before carefully removing the needle and replacing the lid. He then placed it back in the red plastic case. “Ok how long before she comes around?”

Nick heard Maddie let out a sigh of relief. “She’ll be okay in a few minutes but be prepared she’ll be disorientated and a little groggy. You’ll have to give her time to adjust and I warn you that sometimes she gets a little belligerent when she first wakes up.”

“Ok I got it, thanks for your help doc.”

Maddie groaned. “Call me Maddie please.”

“Ok thank you Maddie.”

“No problem maybe I should come over. She just checked it before you knocked on the door and she said it was 158 so that means seeing you must have sent her into shock.”

Nick finished the thought running through Maddie’s head. “Which caused her blood sugar to drop.”

“Exactly so I really think I need to come over and check on her.”

Nick didn’t want an audience while he tried to talk to Hannah for the first time. “We’ll be fine and I won’t leave her alone.”

“Fine but if you need me I’m just a phone call away and regardless have Hannah call me later.”

“No problem thanks again.”

Maddie was still grumbling as she ended the call. Nick watched Hannah as she slept on the couch. He waited and worried for several minutes until she began to fidget restlessly. He ran his hand over her head and smoothed her hair away from her eyes. He watched as her lids fluttered open and widened as she took in his face only inches from her own. He watched the shadow of a smile twitch on her full red lips.

“It’s you.”

Nick couldn’t seem to find his voice so he nodded his head as his eyes drank in the sight of her so fragile and beautiful before him. He had wondered how she would look and what her voice would sound like but nothing he had dared to dream came close to the vision that lay before him. He reached for her hand and rubbed small soothing circles on her palm with the pad of his thumb. She smiled a little wider and tried to shift uncomfortably on the couch.

“Great not only is he haunting my every waking moment but now he’s taunting in my dreams. Gees if you’re supposed to be a dream then you should at least say something because this is not really my idea of the perfect meeting. I kind of liked the dream on the beach or the one where you told me you couldn’t live without me.”

Nick remained perfectly still and he could feel his lips curving in a smile at her words. She thought of him and she dreamed of him. He studied her face and could feel his heart racing beneath the soft fabric of his cotton shirt. She was so lovely like fine china with her heart-shaped face, chestnut hair and those beautiful hazel eyes that sparkled with her indignant ranting to what she thought must be a dream.

“Hannah, this is not a dream I’m here.”

As his words reached her ears she stopped fidgeting on the cushion and her delicate mouth formed an inaudible o. He watched as she slowly reached her hand out toward him and touched his warm hand. She looked up at his laughing eyes and waited as she adjusted her shirt and found her voice.

“But how is this possible? How did you know where I lived or that I was even real? “

Nick knelt on the floor beside the couch and turned her hand over in his and tried to calm her down before she began to hyperventilate. She slowly drew in one ragged breath after the next until her breathing returned to normal. Nick watched her closely making sure she was alert and aware of her surroundings.

“For starters you passed out on me. At first I thought it was from the shock of seeing me standing in your living room but then I talked to Maddie on the phone and she clued me in.”

Hannah still looked a little dazed and confused at his explanation. “You talked to Maddie?”

“Well yeah you dropped the phone when you fainted so I told her what was going on. She told me what happened earlier today so I checked your blood sugar and it was ridiculously low. Maddie walked me through the glucagon thing and now here you are a bit flustered but back to the land of the living.”

Hannah rubbed her head and wondered what the hell was going on with her today. She still wasn’t sure if this was real or just a very vivid hallucination. She watched Nick from beneath the lashes of her downturned eyes. She was completely in awe of his stunning features the crystal clear blue eyes, the slightly windblown brown hair that all but begged for her to run her fingers through it, his razor sharp cheekbones with the five o’clock shadow giving him just enough scruff to smudge his otherwise flawless face for he was beautiful.

Nick could feel her watching him and he wondered what was running through her mind right now. She looked as if she had seen a ghost and he could all but see her withdrawing inside herself. He couldn’t let that happen, he had just found her and he refused to lose her again.

“Hannah I have been waiting to meet you for weeks now but I wasn’t sure how to do it. I know this was probably not the best idea I’ve ever had but I just had to see you.”

Hannah nodded her head but was afraid to look him in the eye, afraid of what she might see pity, disgust or hate. She wouldn’t blame him if he left now and never came back in fact that might be easier for both of them. She knew she couldn’t bear to watch him walk out the door so she kept her eyes focused at the floor beneath her feet.

“Look Nick I’m sorry you had to see me like that and deal with my condition. I won’t blame you for thinking I’m a freak.”

Nick was appalled at the words coming from her mouth. “Why would I think that? Diabetes is a disease that affects millions of people world-wide and it is a disease that my company is working hard to find a cure for. I admire you because before now I would have never guessed you were a type 1 diabetic.”

Hannah finally raised her eyes to meet his and she saw that he wasn’t looking at her like a bug on a microscope. “Really, so my being diabetic doesn’t make you want to turn tail and run?”


Nick could see where this was going and he squeezed her hand. “No it makes me realize how amazing you are.”

Hannah shook her head trying to get rid of the cobwebs that seemed to be clouding her judgment. She should not be having this conversation with Nick she should just tell him the truth about the accident that killed his family before she let him worm his way into her heart. She gnawed on her lip as she admitted to herself that he had been in her heart since she was eight years old.

“So Nick why are you here? I mean I know the truth about what happened. Maddie kind of left your file here and I read it. I know about the project at the pentagon and that’s how you met me. I also know about your family what I don’t understand is why you’re here now.”

Nick could see the tortured look in Hannah’s eyes and the tears threatening to fall. He wasn’t sure where to start. He tried to sort out all the thoughts racing through his head. A little voice in the back of his head whispered ‘the beginning is always best.’

“Hannah you know what you read on a piece of paper but do you ever feel like there’s something else? That there’s some connection that seems to be drawing us together?”

Hannah had felt that way but she had chalked it up to wishful thinking on her part. Nick had been there of her when she had needed someone the most and for that she felt drawn to him. She wondered now if it was something more than that.

“Ok so maybe but I think it is more of hero worship. I mean I was a lost little girl and you helped show me the way.”

“Hannah it’s more than that. I think I should start at the beginning.”

.”Ok that’s usually the best place to start.”
Hannah sat up and patted the space beside her on the couch. Nick sat down and lifted her feet on to his lap to make her more comfortable and to keep him from trying to get too close to her. He drew in one deep breath and then started to tell his story.

"I've been waiting for you my whole life; never sure if you were real or just a dream that wouldn't go away. I have loved you since I was nine years old only I didn't know it was love. I was just a nine year old boy who had just lost everything that ever mattered and the only life I'd ever known. I was mad, hurt and I wanted desperately to blame someone, anyone but myself for what had happened to my family. I was wandering aimlessly down an empty hospital corridor and I heard someone softly crying as if their heart were broken in a million tiny little pieces. I pulled my eyes up from the floor and there you were sitting all alone in a cold empty hospital room. I stood there watching you as the tears continued to slide down your pale cheeks as if they might never end. My heart leapt in my chest at the pain, agony and regret embedded in every facet of your face. I stood there as if I was frozen in place as time stood still I knew that you understood how I felt because you felt it too. I slowly walked in the room and you looked up at me with tears still falling and we never said a single word I just sat on the edge of your bed and held your hand. I lost all track of time as we sat there clinging to each other, each of us crying for what we had lost and feared we'd never find again. We never spoke a single word but you saved me that day with just the touch of your hand."

Nick could see the doubts and questions swirling in Hannah's eyes but he knew she wanted to believe him. She just wasn't ready to move past the blame she felt and remember what happened that day so long ago. She sat beside him perfectly still afraid to breath, afraid that if she so much as blinked he would disappear.

Hannah finally found her voice, "How is it possible that I don't remember that but I can see you so clearly sitting across from me at my Dad's wake looking pretty much the same as you do right now?"

Nick shrugged his shoulders not really sure what the answer was. "Hannah I'm not sure maybe you blocked it out because everything that happened that day was too painful. I honestly don't know, I blocked it out until today. I had this reoccurring dream of a little brown haired, hazel eyed girl my entire life and I had no idea what it meant until I saw you a few weeks ago. I know for you it seems like it’s been seventeen years but for me it’s only been a matter of weeks. I had completely blocked it out and then today I had the dream of you along with my parents. The thing is it wasn’t so much of a dream as it was a memory. I know how crazy this must sound but I don’t know how to explain it."

Nick slowly reached for her hand and gently covered it with his own. Hannah felt a jolt run through her body as her eyes closed and she could see it all in her head. Nick as that young boy holding her hand and with that simple touch he had saved her life that day. She had watched him cross the room and with a wave from the door he'd been gone as if he'd never been there at all.

"Why are you here now, after all this time?"

Nick placed his forefinger under her chin raising her eyes to meet his.

"I made you a promise."

Hannah's eyes widened as she remembered his soft spoken words. "You said that one day a long time from now you would find me and explain everything."

Nick nodded, "And that I would always be with you even if you couldn't see me."

Hannah saw so much hope shining in his eyes she wanted to be whatever he needed her to be. She was afraid that she would only disappoint him in the end.

"All those gifts and cards, the flowers at my Aunt's funeral they were all from you. I always hoped it was you."

"I don't want to push too hard but Hannah I know in my heart that it's always been you. I know we both have unresolved issues with our past but we can work through it together. I know exactly how you feel."

Hannah wasn’t sure if anyone knew exactly how she felt. “Really how do I feel?”

Nick watched her face never taking his eyes off of her. “You feel an emptiness deep inside that never goes away as if the pain aches down to the bone leaving the scars tattooed on your skin for the whole world to see. You wake up every day feeling like you don’t deserve to be here because it should have been you that died that day instead of him. You hide behind the pain because letting anyone in would hurt you in the end. Somehow you think that if you don’t let anyone too close that nothing will ever make you hurt like that again.”

Hannah could feel the tears falling and she knew he had gotten it right. She wanted to tell him that everything was her fault but she couldn’t seem to find the words. She just let him hold her and dry her tears.

“Hannah let me in because I’m tired of being alone.”

Hannah knew this would only turn out badly but she couldn’t seem to push him away. His arms felt too good as they held her tight, his words sounded too sweet whispered in her ear and the smell of his skin was too potent. She didn’t want to let him go because he wasn’t the only one tired of being alone. She knew that he would hate her in the end but for now she needed this more human connection more than the air she breathed. She gave in and let him hold her so close that she could count the beats of his pounding heart. She closed her eyes and waited for the end to come.

Short Version or Long Version?

CHAPTER THIRTEEN
SHORT VERSION OR LONG VERSION

Nick’s arm was beginning to grow numb as he held a sleeping Hannah but he was afraid to move. He watched the gentle rise and fall of her chest as she breathed in and out, the soft glow of contentment on her rosy cheeks and he loved the way her soft short locks of hair felt on the crook of his neck. He wasn’t really sure what he had been expecting but he distinctly remembered her hair long and full with soft curls framing her heart shaped face but now she looked older and sexy as hell with the short waves pointing in all directions. He had the urge to run his fingers through her hair to know what that would feel like but he remained perfectly still watching her sleep. He knew that physically was exhausted and needed time to let her body heal. He wondered if she experienced bouts of hypoglycemia often or if it was a result of too much stress. He felt her began to stir in his arms and he watched as her eyes blinked and finally fluttered open.

He stifled a laugh at the look on her bewildered face as she sat up beside him with her eyes popping with wonder. He loved the way the flicks of green flashed in the glow of the overhead light and he wondered what was going through her mind as she studied his face. She slowly extracted herself from the tangle of his arms and sat beside him on the couch. She smoothed the wrinkles on her pant legs and ran a trembling hand through her spiky locks.

As she raised her eyes he knew she was taking in every little detail about him. She saw his short clipped hair that she knew had once been a sandy brown mass of unruly waves. The image she had seen in her mind had been of a young, rebellious boy who wanted to lash out at the world around him but now sitting beside her was a handsome, collected man who made her heart beat wildly in her chest and long to lay her palm on his cheek just to know that he was real.

“So Nick what do we do now, besides sit and stare at each other all night?”

He felt the tension melting away as every fiber of his being relaxed. He felt the air whoosh past his lips as he smiled at Hannah’s dazzling smile. He hadn’t wanted to push too hard for fear of scaring her away but it was obvious that she was adjusting rather well to his sudden appearance.

“Well do you want the short version or the long version?”

He watched her arch her eyebrows in a quizzical manner. “I see that you have given this a lot of thought. So how about starting with the short version and we’ll see where to go from there.”

Nick absentmindedly began to rub his thumb along the palm of her hand. “Well I thought we would decorate your new Christmas tree and then watch a movie.” He held up a DVD of Home Alone and the irony of his movie choice made her laugh.

“Home Alone, it’s funny you picked that movie.”

Nick turned her hand over and held it in firmly in his. “See the thing is that I never really liked that movie because it always reminded me how alone I felt without my family with me during the holidays but I thought maybe we could watch it together and maybe we wouldn’t be alone this holiday season.”

Hannah swallowed the lump that had begun to form in her throat and drew a shaky breath. She found a sense of comfort in the fact that Nick knew exactly how she had felt all these years. She smiled and squeezed his hand. “I think that sounds great but I don’t have any decorations. I am sorry to say that I haven’t put up a tree in years. I usually just place the beautiful ornaments you have given me on the mantle and the various places around the room.”

She could see a grin on Nick’s handsome face as he tried to hide the smile that was threatening to appear. “Well then it’s a good thing I came prepared.”

Hannah watched as he walked across the room and out the door. She was afraid that maybe he had decided to leave and she felt a deep sense of loss until she saw him return with two very large boxes and one small circular one. He placed the boxes on the floor by the tree. Hannah let her curiosity get the best of her and joined him as he opened the first box. She watched in wonder as her removed a beautiful wreath trimmed in gold and burgundy. She could see the beautiful pearls and glistening pine cones and sprigs of cranberries. He then took out a gold hanger that fit perfectly over the door. He placed the wreath on the hook and motioned for her to step out into the deserted hall. She smiled at the cheery holiday bauble as a warm tingly feeling began to spread through her and she wondered if maybe the magic of the season was affecting her in unexplainable ways.

“Nick its beautiful, thank you.”

Nick could hear a but coming and a pang of fear crept into his pounding heart. “But…”

She looked up and smiled shyly at him. “Well I just wondered how you knew I wouldn’t have a tree or a wreath; am I really that easy to read? I mean you’ve never been around me so how did you know?”

He saw the way she had her arms wrapped tightly around herself as if trying desperately to hold herself together. He walked closer to her and placed a steadying hand on her shoulder. “I just thought that you probably felt the same way I do about the holidays and that maybe it was time we tried to look to start some traditions of our own.”

Hannah leaned against his chest and nodded her head before letting him lead her back to the tree. She watched in child like wonder as he began to take out trinkets and ornaments out of the boxes. Hannah broke the silence that had settled over the room.

“So what was the long version?”

Nick continued to lay stands of garland and pearls on the floor by the window. He began to speak in a low almost dreamy voice. “Well I want to know everything about you and to tell you everything about me. I want to show you what the world has to offer and together we will see what we’ve been missing by hiding in our own shadows.”

Hannah felt her pulse quicken at his words. “So where exactly would we go?”

Nick began to smile at her question and his voice grew thick with emotion. “I remember my mom telling me the story of her and dad’s whirlwind romance before they got married. He had known her well forever so after they graduated college he asked her to marry him but she refused.”

Hannah found that surprising. “Really she said no? Then how did you get here?”

Nick could hear the teasing in her soft voice. “Well she told him she would only marry him after she had been to all the places on her list of places she wanted to see before she got married or died whichever came first.” Hannah noticed how his voice hitched on the word died she reached over and placed a comforting hand on his arm. He smiled a sad smile and began to speak again. “So he asked to see her list but she wouldn’t show him; now my father was never a quitter so he called my grandmother and asked her if she had any idea what was on mom’s list. My grandmother knew exactly what was on the list as it was hanging on her bedroom wall in the exact same place it had been since my mom was eleven years old. My dad immediately went to mom’s house and copied the list.”

Hannah could feel her heart pounding with the wonder of what he did next. “So what happened?”

Nick began to hang ornaments on the tree while Hannah handed them to him. “Well my father showed up at her door one sunny summer afternoon and told her they were going on a date. My mom had always been adventurous and spur of the moment so she placed the blindfold he handed her on to cover her eyes. My father started the car and with no questions asked off they went. My father refused to tell her where they were going and what they were doing but after an hour’s drive they boarded the family’s private jet. My mother removed her blindfold and looked at my father in stunned silence unsure of what exactly to say. My father eased down on the seat beside her and took her hands in his and kissed her softly on the lips. He then showed her the planes manifest and he could see the tears in her eyes glistening in the overhead light.”

Hannah asked breathlessly. “Where did they go?”

Nick smiled. “Everywhere that was on her list. They went to Maldives a small island far from the prying eyes of the rush of everyday life; you could walk the whole island in fifteen minutes. This was like their very own island paradise with palm trees and white sand dunes. They walked on a traditional Maldivian Dhonis with a glass bottom that allowed them to walk around the island and see the underground beauty and wonder. He then whisked her away to Cairo to see the pyramid of Cheops at Gaza which is one of the Seven Wonders of the World so they took a cruise down the Nile River as the sunset illuminated the pyramid. “

Hannah handed Nick another ornament as she tried to imagine what that must have been like. “That must have been amazing.”

Nick nodded his head. “I’m sure it was but as I have never left the country I wouldn’t know.”

Hannah was surprised at this and she wondered why he had never traveled to see these places he had heard so much about. “So you never had the urge to discover these places for yourself?”

“Patience is a virtue Hannah. So after Cairo they went to Morocco also known as The Red City. They took in the vibrant splashes of color, the acrobats performing in the city streets and the storytellers on every corner, the warm summer nights filled with dancers and musicians. My mom said it was a tropical paradise with aromas of exotic flowers and a feeling so magical that it was impossible to put the experience into words that it had to be seen and felt.

After that it was off to India the Taj Mahal at sunset with the white marble palace drenched in shades of pinks and then to Oia Santorini, Greece the ideal place to contemplate the sunset in one of the most romantic places in the world according to my mom.

Then it was off to Paris the city of lights they went to the ancient bridge The Pont Neuf, Paris. My mother wanted to see the alluring sight of the sunset as they fading light drenched the riverside buildings and the lavender and pink flowers on the bank of the river in shades of gold. They spent a week in Paris taking in the local cafés, museums and the Eifel Tower.”

Nick paused in his recollection to see Hannah hanging on his every word with a look of wonder in her sparkling eyes. “How many places were on her list?”

Nick laughed. “Ten so we’re over half way through. They visited Italy next first Isla Bella an island of pure beauty and colorful explosions of color. Then to the Road of Love, Cirque Terra, Italy, the road of love an enchanting walk along the most beautiful place on earth. There was a local legend that only married couples could walk this path or the lovers would be cursed with misfortune but my parents somehow proved that folk lore wrong.

The last place they visited abroad was Venice, the city of cobblestone streets and graceful palazzi and the romantic gondolas under the starlight. They visited the island of Giudecca with its panoramic vistas of the lagoon and palace. My mom said it was breathtaking. They headed back to the states after a week or two in Greece.”

Hannah looked alarmed, “But you said there were ten and that was only nine.”

Nick wagged a finger at her, “Patience, I didn’t say that was all just that they returned to the states. My mother had put Central Park on her list and my father saved that one for last. They arrived in NYC and took in all the sights ending with Central Park on their last day. My father took her on a carriage ride through the park as dusk began to fall over the city. He then took her to Per Se an exclusive Manhattan restaurant perched at the top of a sky rise with a view overlooking Columbus Circle the entrance to Central Park. They were seated at a cozy table by the fireplace with a perfect view of the busting lights below and the park. They dined on oysters, caviar and truffles and as the night drew to an end my father ordered dessert and as the waiter placed a plate on the table my mother’s eyes widened in surprise at the diamond solitaire staring back at her. My dad told her she had seen every place on her list and that now it was time that she fulfilled the one thing on his list to do before he died. She looked at him unsure of what he was talking about and he got down on one knee and took her hand and simply said, “Marry me.”

Hannah wiped the tears that were falling and wondered what that must have felt like to have seen so many exotic and amazing places, experienced so many vastly different cultures and then to have the man sitting beside you say that all he ever wanted was you. She closed her eyes and tried to imagine what that must have been like and felt like but she had no idea. She knew Nick was now standing by her side and she felt him place his hand on the small oh her back in a very intimate way and turn her to face him.

“Hannah please stop crying, I didn’t mean to make you sad.”

Hannah shook her head as he placed the pads of his thumbs on her face and began to wipe away her unexpected tears. She finally found her voice to speak. “I’m not sad I am overwhelmed by the story of your parents love. You must have had a really happy childhood and I am sure that you were loved more than life itself.”

Nick knew she was right and that was just one of many reasons he felt so guilty for their deaths. “Yeah I was my mom and dad loved me and my sisters more than words could ever describe. I know I was loved above all else and that is just one of the reason I have felt such enormous guilt.” Nick ran his hand up and down her arms and tried to explain what he meant. “I always feel like I should have died to and that it’s not fair for me to be here enjoying life while theirs’ was cut so short.”

Hannah placed her palms on each side of his face and forced him to look her in the eye. “Nick I know how you feel but you didn’t do anything wrong so you need to stop blaming yourself.”

Hannah nibbled on her lip and wondered what he would think if she told him the truth. Nick whispered in her ear. “Well I get the unmistakable feeling that you blame yourself too and obviously it wasn’t your fault either so will you stop blaming yourself?

She nodded her head slightly. “I’ll try if you will.”

He smiled and nodded. “Agreed but back to the point of this long epic tale of love; I grew up hearing my mother tell me this story of how she traveled the world with my dad and saw all that life had to offer but in the end it would have meant nothing without him. My mother would have been happy anywhere as long as my dad was there too. That being said I always knew that one day I would journey to all of those places and I would feel what they felt and see what they saw. You asked me if I ever dreamed of visiting all of those places and the answer is yes. I knew that one day I would travel the world over and see everything they saw, hear what they heard and fall as helplessly in love as they did. The reason that I have not done so is because I knew that one day I would meet the one person who would make it the most unbelievable experience of my life. Hannah I know that if I had gone on my own it wouldn’t have meant anything at all.

I want to take you to Paris in the spring, Central Park in the fall when the autumn leaves are bursting with color. I want to visit Italy in the summer and walk The Road of Love with you, float down a cannel in a gondola with you in my arms and kiss you under a falling star I want to do all those things with you. Then after we’ve seen all of those places we’ll do it all again. I want to see the world with you, to experience all that life has to offer with you by my side. I know this probably sounds completely nuts and that right now you probably think I am some psycho stalker but this is the long version. I don’t expect it to happen tomorrow or next week but someday I want to experience all that with you.”

Hannah found it hard to breathe and she realized she was holding her breath. She slowly exhaled trying to find the words to say something but the ringing of her phone saved her for the moment. She held up a finger.

She walked on rubbery legs to the couch and grabbed her cell off the coffee table. She knew without looking that it would be Maddie. “Hey Mad I’m perfectly fine.”

Maddie let out a string of words at alarming rates of speed while Hannah held the phone away from her ear. She caught Nick’s name and why didn’t you call me, along with some other not so nice words mixed in. She sank down on the couch cushions and listened until Maddie ran out of steam.

“So H are you going to answer me?”

Hannah laughed. “Well Mad, I had to wait to get a word in edge wise. First I am fine thank you very much, second I was going to call you later and yes Nick is still here.”

Maddie started talking a mile a minute making Hannah’s head spin. “So have you talked to him about your dad and what happened the day his parents died, did you tell him about Nate? Oh and did you tell him about the crazy dreams you’ve had about him? Hannah did you…”

Hannah cleared her throat. “Maddie I haven’t had a chance to tell him much of anything yet, with my near death experience, my nap, decorating the Christmas tree and now you calling I haven’t had the time to think clearly.”

Maddie sighed and slowed her rambling. “Okay I get it, back off. I suppose that you don’t want to go shopping tomorrow after such a long day and eventful night.”

Hannah really didn’t want to go she would prefer to sleep in and join them for lunch. “Maddie I’m sorry

Maddie laughed. “Okay fine we’re going to Martin’s place for lunch fair warning mom wants to meet him and Nate is tagging along to see you.”

Hannah groaned into the phone. “Mad can’t you guys eat breakfast there? I really don’t want to hurt Carter’s feelings if he start hitting on me again. I swear I am never getting drunk again the repercussions aren’t worth it.”

Maddie laughed. “Ok I’ll see what I can do. We’ll see call you and let you know where to meet us for lunch. Have fun with Mr. Perfect, good night.”

Hannah heard the click of Maddie’s cell and the dead silence that followed. She laid her cell on the table and saw the uneasy look on Nick’s handsome face as he finished putting the garland on the tree. She stood to her feet and walked back to join him.

“Hey what’s wrong?”

Nick looked at her and shrugged his shoulders indifferently. “Nothing just the mention of Carter’s name brought up a bad memory.”

Hannah looked at him with confusion. “Wait a minute you know Carter? How do you know it’s the same Carter?”

Nick looked out the window to avoid looking at Hannah’s flashing eyes. “Well I am assuming it’s the same Carter who has a brother named Martin who is dating Maddie. The same Maddie in fact that is my shrink. I also assume that you were referring to Zach and Beth’s engagement party that you skipped out on because you were too drunk to stay and almost threw up on my shoes on your way out the door.”

Hannah could feel her face turning a bright shade of tomato red. “So let me get this straight you know Zach, Carter and Martin. You arrived at the party as I was leaving and it was you who I ran past on my way outside to empty the contents of stomach in the alley?”

Nick nodded his head sheepishly, “You forgot that Maddie is my shrink and that Carter and I got so drunk each thinking about you that we got into a barroom brawl that Martin and Zach had to it break up. I think I almost broke Carter’s nose.”

Hannah was standing with her hands on her hips with her mouth hanging open. She was in shock at all the information pouring out of Nick’s very kissable lips. She chided herself for letting her thoughts stray. She was beyond mortified that Nick obviously knew way more about her than she did about him.
“Poor Carter, so it seems I am the only one who has been out of the loop on this. So Zach knew who I was all along?”

Nick dropped his brooding eyes to the floor to study the tips of his shoes. “Yeah he did. He felt very protective of you so he made up that story to talk to you. He knew that you wouldn’t give him the time of day any other way.”

Hannah began to pace the room lost in her own thoughts. She sank down on the couch and closed her eyes against the overhead lights that seemed way too bright. “So was any of what Zach and I talked about real or was he just playing some kind of sick twisted game with me?”

Nick walked carefully around the empty boxes and trinkets still scattered on the floor. He approached Hannah slowly trying to determine if she was mad enough to hit him if got any closer. She moved to one end of the long couch and rolled her eyes in his general direction. “Oh for heaven’s sakes sit down all ready.”

Nick sat caddy corner on the opposite end of the couch facing an irritated Hannah. “I have no idea what you and Zach talked about but he did tell me that you reminded him a lot of Beth which is not a bad thing. I have known Zach for seventeen years and if there’s one thing I know about him he is honest to a fault and he is loyal to the end. I know that he thinks a lot of you and feels very protective of you.”

Hannah sighed in frustration and watched Nick squirming uncomfortably on the couch. “Well that’s all good and fine but I wish he had been honest with me from the beginning.”

Nick smiled at that, “Right seeing as how you were so forthcoming Peyton.”

Hannah felt her cheeks burning a dozen shades of red under his reproachful eye. “Ok so I wasn’t entirely honest but that was a defense mechanism that I’ve used my entire life. I was afraid of the world and how people look at me if they knew who I really was. I moved in with my Aunt after my father died and I kind of stayed to myself and then when I left for college I never made many friends so I kind of stayed to myself.”

Nick heard the trace of sadness in her voice as she spoke of that dark period of her life. “Hannah I know that you don’t really know me but I know how you feel. I can’t say that I have hidden away from the world but I never let anyone get too close. I was the guy who didn’t make commitments or put down roots. I hid from the world and the pain by being the life of the party and the guy that everybody wanted to be friends with. I won’t lie to you I have been with other women but I never felt anything for them it was just another way of running from things I didn’t want to remember.”

Hannah drew her legs up on the couch and faced him now. “Wow that makes me feel so much better thanks.”

Nick looked perplexed not grasping what she meant. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Hannah buried her head in her arms that were clutching her legs to her chest. “I have spent the last seventeen years hiding from everybody and everything. I have never even been alone with a guy except Nate but he doesn’t count and now here you are the guy I’ve dreamed about since I was eight years old; only to find out you have slept with God knows how many beautiful women as if it were merely a recreational sport.”

Nick watched as she raised her head. He could see the light pink on Hannah’s cheeks turning a deep crimson. “Hannah please don’t think like that it was a long time ago and I’m not that cold or callous anymore. I was numb and all I wanted was to forget what happened and that was the only way that worked for a while but then even that didn’t work. I am so sorry but I don’t ever want to lie to you about anything.”

Hannah could see the longing in his eyes and the pleading in his low husky voice. “Hannah I don’t want to be that guy anymore I want to get to know you and for you to know me. Hannah we owe to ourselves to see where all this takes us.”

Hannah relaxed her shoulders and wondered how this would all end if she opened herself up to him. She was afraid that she might never recover if he walked away but somehow she knew that she needed him in her life.

“Okay but I think we need to take things slow.”

Nick offered her his sexy grin, “Ok how about a movie and some popcorn?”

Hannah laughed as the tension filled air melted away. “Ok you put in the movie and I’ll get the popcorn and drinks.”

Hannah walked to the kitchen trying to clear her head enough to make sense of everything that had happened today. She had never imagined that things would get any crazier than learning that Maddie was her twin sister and that Nate was Nick’s brother; but now here she was in her kitchen watching the microwave rotate and listening to the popping of the popcorn while Nick sat in her living room. She leaned against the counter and wondered exactly how to tell him he had a brother who looked exactly like him living just thirty miles outside of town. She was pulled out of her thoughts by the beeping of the microwave. She grabbed the popcorn and poured it into a bowl, grabbed a couple of sodas and some napkins. She took a deep breath and walked back to the living room.

Impressum

Tag der Veröffentlichung: 08.01.2011

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