WHERE YOU BELONG
By Samantha Thomas © 2010

Boom! Boom! Boom! “Get out of the fucking bathroom already!” my father yelled as he pounded on the bathroom door. “J-just a minute daddy!” I called back. Truth was it might be three minutes I just finished peeing on the stick. I quickly wiped my who-ha and pulled up my pants. I placed the pregnancy test on the bathroom sink counter and waited. My father kept yelling and banging on the door, and with each and every new pound I bit harder and further down my nails. The door was shaking now on its hinges and I was terrified, he was almost in.

“You little bitch! I got to drop a duce! Open the fucking door!” I was about to just deem this test a failure and open the door for him before he knocked it down and beat me. Wait, I see something starting to form in the little windows… one line… and two lines. I’m pregnant. Just as I read that my father burst through the door righted himself and stalked towards me. When he got there he seen me standing there my head down staring at the counter. He turned towards what had my attention, he looked straight back at me and said, “What the fuck is this? You little pig! What did you do?” He dove at the counter, snatched up the test and read what I already knew.

“Are you- is that a fucking smile on your face?” It was, I was smiling. I’m happy for once, I’m going to be a mother. When I didn’t answer him because I was too in thought at the fact that, for once I was happy, he took one large step to me placing him directly in front of me. I was so deep in thought at me being happy that I didn’t notice that he raised his hand, threw the test shattering it, and knocked me so hard in the face I flew to the opposite wall. I slid down cupping my face. My lips where bleeding. “Your disgusting you slut! I aint taking care of no one’s fucking bastard you hear? Your gonna find some fucking way, I don’t care how you do it, but your gonna find some fucking way and your gonna fix it! God damn it Britney what where you thinking!”

I didn’t answer him I just nodded it was best to stay quiet until he cools down. He looked down at me his breathing was huffing in and out. His hands clenched down at his sides, then up tearing through his hair, and back down again. He seemed to be having an internal debate about something, before settling I’m assuming, and then he spoke to me, “Get up. I really need to go to the bathroom. Go do your homework or something before I change my mind and do what I really want to do and that’s kicking your ass like you aint never before known. You got that?” Even though he still said rotten things to me, his voice took on a slightly less hostile-asshole tone, and that meant he was a bit more calm.

I didn’t waste time I picked myself off the floor answered him meekly, “Yes daddy.” and with my head down and still cupped, I left him to his business, and did my homework. He didn’t speak to me the rest of the night, in fact after he used the bathroom he took his coat and left, didn’t come back until sometime the next day while I was at school. I was upset that he left because I was really hungry, there wasn’t any food at home at all.

That’s one of the reasons I suspected I was pregnant, because now I was always hungry, and it wasn’t just normal hunger it was a burning hole type feeling in my gut, and if I didn’t eat I felt like I was going to get sick and die. I looked about the house and kitchen looking for anything to eat, and found a couple packets of ketchup, and a take-out box with a half eaten hamburger inside, it looked like a few days old. I couldn’t eat it, so I ate the packets of ketchup and woke up early the next day to try to catch breakfast at school. It was a really, really hard night.

I was in English class when I heard a knock at the door, I was too busy in the assignment to look up. “Britney Hart please.” I looked up at the sound of my name and hanging in the doorway was the guidance counselor. I looked at my teacher who was nodding in agreement. I gathered my things and got up to meet her. “Follow me please.” I followed her down to her office where she said, “Have a seat.” I did and we began. “So, how are you?” I fidgeted in the hard chair and decided to just put all of my things on the ground because they were just to heavy.

I shrugged my shoulders, and looked away to the left starring at nothing. She sat there for a moment probably guessing how to proceed when finally she spoke again, “Your grades are slipping a bit and the faculty and I are concerned because your such a bright student. How are things at home, with your father?” she was doing alright until the end when she spoke of my father, her voice changed and quivered just barely when she said that. I looked over at her and she was starring right at me, but not in my eyes. She was starring at my face and the bruise like hand print his hand left last night, and my swollen lips. “Did your father do that to you?” she asked quietly, her eyes crinkled in sadness as if she might cry. Yeah right.


“I fell.” Lie. Lie. Lie. She nodded her head. “Classic.” was all she said. I knew how this all worked if I spilled my beans, foster care would soon follow and I’d rather get verbally abused and smacked around then molested and or raped. End of story. I knew how Phil worked, there where ways around it. Sometimes. “Look, I understand if you don’t want to talk about it, but please know that you can. I’m here for you Britney. Now how about your friends, how’s your relationship going with them?” Haha friends I’m the school leper. “Ash’s too busy, cheerleading and all. We’re well though, thank you for asking.” was all I said.

Truth was Ashley was my sometimes-but mostly never-friend. She used me when she wanted and I let her because I was lonely. She only spoke to me when she had a falling out with her own friends when they caught her fucking their boyfriends, or whatever. I never understood why they ever took her back, maybe I was jealous that they did, because that meant that I was all alone yet again. I looked down at the front of her desk and saw her name plate it read, Caitlynn Welch. Huh, sounds more like a lawyer then a guidance counselor. Funny I never knew her name she was always telling me, but it never took.

Ms. Welch started talking about school work and the complete importance of it all it was all background noise to me like the hum of a bee. I decided to end that, “I’m pregnant.” that was all it took. She said, “Oh!” like ‘oh my gosh,’ “Oh!”

And then, “Oh, Britney.” ‘Oh’ as in ‘oh no!’ complete with the hand covering her mouth and all. Again she sat in shocked silence contemplating, then “It’s not-your father didn’t-” she couldn’t keep to one thought, then suddenly I got her implication. “What the fuck? No! Your sick!” “I didn’t- I just had to know-ask you…. Are you alright?”

What the fuck kind of guidance counselor is she? She ended in a question and I answered indifferently “I’m fine.”

“You know that you have many options don’t you? Do you know how far along you are? Have you been to a doctor?” I hadn’t gotten that far yet, and decided she was right I needed those things. With a small internal conversation with myself I decided I would confide in her, all except about my dad. She could help me with my baby and I really needed the help. “I just found out last night. I’ve been feeling really weird lately, like wicked hungry, and sick, but mostly tired. I’d like to keep the baby I love it already. How do I find out? You know about the far along that’s how old the baby is right?” I asked and I ended up smiling I couldn’t help it, this baby made me happy, but it forced my split lip to be pulled into a direction that neither of them wanted to be in so I settled down to a pained smirk.

“Yes, you can find that out at a doctor or midwife. Y-your sure? Your absolute sure that you want to keep this baby? You still have quite a bit of time left to consider all of your options you know? I‘m not trying to push you or anything like that, I just want you to be absolutely sure in this decision, this huge responsibility. You have options, this has to be your decision and all yours alone.” “Yes I’m sure. Do you know any doctors or midwives?” I had no idea what a midwife was, but from what she said they deal with pregnancies.

She sat all the way back for a moment holding her breath within staring down at her hands before resolve fitted her face about 10 minutes later. It was an awkward very long 10 minutes. “Ok listen up… I will help you Britney. But you must promise me, that you will seek all the help you can possibly get, to listen to anyone who has help coming your way. And above all else, be one hundred percent responsible with the life you carry inside you, at all times, is that clear?” I began to feel hope, and a sense of joy filled me and I smiled unsuccessfully again. “Yes” she nodded and it was settled. I was going to get the help my baby and I deserved, I was finally going to have someone that loved me in my life, and someone who I’d love with everything I had to give, inside me.


WHERE YOU BELONG Chapter 2

“Oh god!” I cried out as I heaved everything in my stomach into the toilet my face was plastered into. I cant take this anymore I hate this! Damn morning- noon-night-sickness! It was getting so hard to move around my stomach was huge I felt like a fat disgusting penguin, waddling all around, peeing every three seconds. Every time I get done peeing I’d get up, manage to get to the door and have to head right back to the toilet it seems. Luckily I don’t have much longer with all this. Just one month and four days until my due date on December 25th Christmas.

I have been doing so well with my pregnancy except for the sickness. I take a prenatal vitamin everyday, don’t eat any junk, soda, candy except dark chocolate every once in awhile, and my dad he doesn’t really hit me either, just a smack here and there and its not even that hard usually. All in all things have been going well, I have to thank my guidance counselor for that, she helped me out a lot got me a doctor that specializes in teen pregnancies, and I even have welfare. They give me something called food stamps so me and my baby never go hungry and I’ve even got vouchers from the state to help buy something’s for her too. That’s right, I was right about that, it’s a girl. I’m not sure what I’m gonna name her though I haven’t decided yet.

Once I was done getting sick, I went downstairs to get something else to eat, because now I was locked and loaded, I giggled out loud at that thought. As I made myself a grilled cheese with honey ham, I thought about how happy I’ve become all because of a baby, and how I got this baby in the first place.

*flashback*

I was in between classes, and about to finish up in my locker when I heard shouting. “Your nothing but a trashy fricken skank Ashley! Stay away from Matt or else!” Marissa the head cheerleader, standard blonde cliché yelled out over the throng of students at Ashley. “Oh fuck you! What are you gonna do to me Marissa? You cant even swear right! And Matt wasn’t giving two shits about you when he called ME up last night. He didn’t give two shits about you when he came to MY house and bent me over doggie-style, now did he? I. Don’t. Think. So.”

I, as was everyone in the entire hall watching this spectacle unfold with wide eyes and open mouths, it was pathetic. But luckily I am going to reap the benefits. You see, Ashley has had-yet another- falling out with her cheer-pals, and now was seeking solstice in the likes of me. My self esteem- zero.

“Hey biatch! So screw those bitches, what are you doing tonight?” she said chewing and popping her gum loudly in her mouth, standing in the typical teen-girl-attitude-way-with-the-knee-bent-body’s-weight-resting- on-the-other-straight-leg-hands-on-the-hip-eyebrows-bent-up-cocky-look-plastered-on-the-face, yeah that one. Of course I didn’t have any plans I’m a nobody, with even worse self esteem, so yeah that about sums it all up. “Well, I was gonna do this thing actually so-” I tried but she cut me right off, “Oh shut your lying ass up you’re a loser, your not the only one who knows that, you know that right? Anyways we’re going to a party down at Matt’s. What are you gonna wear? -Never mind, I don’t know why I even asked, meet me after school out front alright?” bobbled my head in a yes and she yanked my hair in a bitchy fashion and walked away, I guess that’s how girls like that say goodbye now a days.

After school I did like she asked, and she picked me up and we drove to her house. Once in her room, we immediately got to the clothes sorting out what was hot and sexy and just ‘fucking stupid’. It was a long two hours as she poked, prodded, and pampered me. Ashley wasn’t all that bad she could be a real bitch, and a super fricken skank slut, but sometimes she could be real cool, and considerate-mostly not-but sometimes. She wore a dark blue mini dress, with strappy silver heels. She went a little bit heavy on the black eye liner, and mascara but then again, she pulled it off and she was a blonde bombshell. Damn.

Tonight was the first night I ever had my eyebrows plucked and it hurt like hell! She cut my hair a bit, she said it was ’way fucking better’ and that it was now sharp and edgy, that ‘finally I look hot-ish’. I was scared I haven’t seen myself yet. When she finally gave the go-ahead to look I did so immediately. What I saw blew my mind. I was instantly terrified because I thought this wasn’t real that I was dreaming, but I wasn’t. I had on a red, tight mini dress similar to hers, and strappy heals as well but gold, and large gold hoop earrings.

The girl-I mean me- I was beautiful with a smokey shadow over my grey eyes, and my black hair was… risky. She was right I ’finally look hot.’ Unbelievable! My full lips weren’t all wrinkled and dry, but plump and shiny pale pink, I was beautiful. I felt so good I had only three words to describe what and how I was feeling I was too overwhelmed for any more than that; 1) wow 2) holyshits, and last but not least, 3) yes. I had a large feeling that this wouldn’t be the last time tonight I’d use those three words.

When we arrived to Matt’s I had been completely fine up until this point, it was one thing in the privacy of Ash’s home than to be in front of the entire senior class and then-some, it looked like everyone was here-the people who mattered anyways. As soon as I got out of the car I felt like everyone was starring at me, and I immediately felt awkward and scared I wanted to grow thousands of hands to cover my body instantly and I wanted to get the hell out of here.

“Ash I cant, everyone is like starring at me.” I whispered to her panicking, because she had started to head towards the house, I on the other hand stayed firmly in place. “Yes you really can. So, move your ass now! Before you really give them an excuse to stare.” and then she came back next to me and spoke even more quietly “They’re starring at you because they don’t know you, or who you really are. I hate to repeat myself but Britney, you look hot-ish. Now come on.” Wow, word number 1 for the night.

After hearing that and letting it set in a few seconds, I finally gave up and let this magical feeling take over me. I felt like Cinderella, and that was worth any price to feel, in my book. I felt for once like I mattered, like I belonged like people wanted to be around me, Me! I partied like never before, I danced until my feet were so sore, I had to remove my shoes. Girls from all over our school and a couple others wanted to talk to me, ask me where I got my dress, and shoes, and how I got my hair and make-up so pretty, I panicked because I wasn’t the one who did it, and wouldn’t dream of knowing how to start that lie, so I carefully avoided them by saying things like ’Oh yeah?’ ‘I know right!’ and the weirdest of them all ‘Shut up.’

I was in foreign lands and happy, ecstatic even. I was in the middle of a huge guy-girl swarm of dancers really getting down when I felt someone grasp me by the hips and started to dance with and on me. I looked over and saw the most gorgeous green eyed monster I have ever seen. I say monster because I was absolutely terrified of him, of all guys, especially the hot ones. The way he danced on me made me feel things I’ve never before felt, I felt scared, good in places I didn’t know I could, I tingled all over. My body shivered every where he touched and I just went with it. Exhilarated.

When the song had ended he grabbed me by the hand, and held mine within his, he then led me to the kitchen. “You want a drink?” I just couldn’t stop starring at him he was so beautiful to me. He had long hair made into corn rows or corn braids whatever they call it, and his full pink lips looked just so soft I wanted to reach out and touch them. He wore a black t-shirt, pale jeans and black air force 1’s, he looked so simple but so beautiful, and so sexy at the same time. He turned to me now, and had caught me starring at him and smiled like he knew he’d find me doing that. I couldn’t help but blush. I took the drink and gulped fast, I didn’t know how to handle a situation like this, I’d never been in one. I didn’t know it was alcohol until right after and my face scrunched up from the sour, I coughed. He laughed.

I had a few of those drinks they were yummy, the taste grew on you. Me and my green eyed monster danced the night away blissfully. Our bodies moved as one and that tingling feeling kept at me, strong thumping to the tune of my heart beat. We were sweaty and we didn’t care, I never felt so good. His hands roamed all over my body leaving scorching streaks as they went, and when they reached my face, he cupped my chain coaxing it towards his face, he kissed me with those amazingly soft full lips. I’d never ever kissed a guy before until now, and if I had thought us dancing had felt good before, clearly I didn’t know shit. These feelings of heat and passion exploded in me and I knew only that I wanted more.

As we kissed and danced I began feeling something hard rub in my back and butt, I didn’t know what that was because everything was just soft a moment ago, but I ignored it and lost myself into my monsters hands and lips. Before I knew it, his hands had roamed to another place, that place being down, down, between my legs and he rubbed softly and quickly, and then his hands were back up softly caressing my chest. Then suddenly he stopped dancing and I didn’t know what was going on I only knew I wanted us to continue. “Come on. Lets go.” he said into my ear. My eyes where lazy with lust and I knew I’d do whatever he wanted me to at the moment but I had to ask, “Where?” I didn’t want to leave the party. “Just follow me.” was all he said before resuming leading us away. We ended up going downstairs into the basement, but it was loaded with people so we left. I thought I knew what was going on but wasn’t entirely sure until we got all the way upstairs into an empty bedroom.

Once inside he did a sweep of the room which luckily had a joining bathroom, because I really had to pee. When I was done he met me at the door with his shirt off, holyshits! Word number 2 of the night. His chest was phenomenal. Ripped perfectly was the only way to describe it. He was the sexiest guy I’ve ever seen. He was Latino of some sort I was sure, but the tattoo on his chest held a flag of Puerto Rico confirming it. He came to me and placed my face in his soft delicate hands and started to kiss me slowly, and hungrily. I started to get that feeling again, that internal bliss, that warm fire, now was ablaze inside me. My stomach igniting with fire, and butterflies fluttering like crazy.

Somehow we made it to the bed, I hadn’t even known we were moving and then all of a sudden I was atop it. He was cupping and caressing my breasts, and kissing down my neck and chest then I began to panic, how could I not see this? How DID I NOT see this? Where this was all going?

Sex. I’m a virgin. I’ve never ever done anything like this before not ever, I’d never had the opportunity because no guy EVER looked at me not EVER. It was all so very surreal suddenly, me here with this guy, I don’t even know what I’m doing, or worse, if I’m even doing what-I-don’t-know-what-I’m-doing, wrong. All I knew was how wonderful I felt how hot -in every sense of the word- I felt right now, how pretty and sexy this monster made me feel. From what I understood, guys don’t talk, dance or kiss you this way unless they like you.

How bad could sex really be? I mean this guy doesn’t look like he has an STD, or whatever because from what everyone says STD’s hurt like a lot. He looks like he feels real good to me. I know I do, so I decided that was enough, he was enough my- wait I didn’t even know this guys name. I pushed at him signaling for him to stop and asked, “What’s your name?”
“Sergio. What’s yours ma?” he asked in his husky soft voice, it was so sexy, “Britney,” then his warm soft mouth was on my breast, and any inhibitions I had, or thought I had about this, about him, about sex, they were gone in a matter of seconds.

It hurt, at first like a lot, but he was so slow and gentle and careful, like he new everything, like he knew me inside and out. I suppose he did at that moment. I had never felt this, like this, like I have absolutely no words to describe clearly at all how I really felt. I was amazed that something like this existed. I was so stiff, and awkward at first but he coaxed me and helped and showed me exactly what to do, we had perfect synchronicity. I had-I guess you call it came, or cum, whatever- for the first time before we even started sex. He said it would help loosen me up. He had went down town on me and licked ‘stuff’ And oh my God! I had no idea what he was doing, he was kissing my stomach and legs one minute and then, between my legs the next.

I jumped and pushed him scared at the feelings I was feeling. They felt so good, so incredibly good, and weird at the same time, it made my body feel like it was sinking in hot vibrating water. It was insane, and he just kept going holding onto my legs, and I had my hands on his head the entire time, I gave up trying to stop him, and I really didn’t want to anyways. It was building up, up inside me until I felt like I exploded. And then his pant were off and he positioned himself on top of me, and he went inside.

And then it was over and we laid still next to one another, he had his arms around me, and that made me feel really good, I had my arm over his chest and my other underneath me. We didn’t say anything he just played with my hair, and I loved that, sent tingles and shivers up my spine. The quiet gave me the peace I needed after such a life changing moment such as this to cope and deal without feeling awkward, and embarrassed with trying to fill the silence with nothing I could possibly say he would want to hear.

Suddenly the bedroom door flew open and Ashley ran into the room, “Chica, we gotta go like now! Get your ass up and get dressed!” she was panicking and there for I, no longer in my silent bliss, came crashing down to this reality. As I struggled with my clothes rushing for god knows what I decided to try and find out, “What the hell happened?” the bedroom door was still open and over the loud booming music I could hear an abundance of foot steps coming up the steps and approaching fast.

“Shit! Lets go, say goodbye to Romeo,” Ashley said already in motion. I had barely got my last shoe on, my dress wasn’t even straight, I was about to be exposed if I made any fast moves when Marissa and loads of other kids stormed into this small hot bedroom. “You slut! I warned you!” Marissa screamed as she charged Ashley. The other people that had accompanied her just fanned out and Sergio hadn’t even gotten his pants on yet, they were here to watch the girl fight I guess. Joy.

Then to make matters even more hilariously worse, Matt showed up just as Marissa’s hands made contact with Ashley’s hair and he separated the two, that was our chance. Luckily she didn’t attempt a ‘low blow’ and we ran out the door. As we were escaping I turned to look back at the guy I just gave everything of me too, he smiled, I did too and then Marissa flew back into my peripheral, and with hands out stretched for strangulation she shouted through Matt’s arms, “You fucked my boyfriend for the last time bitch!” and we were flying down the steps, going, going, gone. “I cant believe she actually had the balls to swear! Silly cunt.” Ashley laughed as she peeled out of the drive way and took us home.

*end of flash back*


I never heard from Sergio again, not like I technically ‘heard’ from him in the first place. He was pretty much never seen again, M.I.A. I didn’t mind, he gave me many gifts that night that I could never repay him for, besides what would I even say to the guy? ‘Hey member me? The girl you banged at that party, well guess what? You put a baby girl inside me and I’m going to love and take care of her forever. Ok?’ yeah, yeah sure. Right away.

But I have to say, it would be real nice to see him again. He was probably from another school a few towns over, that could explain his absence. One thing I know is how beautiful our daughter will be, because he is. I hope she doesn’t look a thing like me. Just then my father stormed into the house. As he made his way towards the kitchen I could hear things falling and crashing to the ground. I wonder what the hell his problem is? Shit its another one of those days.

As he got closer I braced myself for his fists, I backed towards the kitchen cabinets so if he hit me hard I wouldn’t fly across the room again I’d be somewhat secure. When he reached me, I’m not sure I’ve ever been more frightened in my whole life, not-because he was naturally deranged, with his standard hair askew, heavy alcohol breath, bloodshot blood red eyes-but, because he was no where near that self of his.
He was dressed decent somewhat, in a navy blue blazer, sure it was probably from 1973 and smelt that way, but whatever, he had on kaki slacks with only one minimal stain on them. Oh and there’s a bit of ketchup on the pocket looks new. He looked normal almost, and he looked… excited?

“Britney cut your shit and get it together, I’ve got some great news for you.” he said, well guess talking nice isn’t included in the ‘look’ package. I didn’t for one second let my guard down, with good reason of course, “What is it?” I asked 100% founded skepticism. “Don’t you fucking get cocky with me, if you can shut your pie hole for a minute I’ll fucking tell you, damn.” he was out of breath and had an odd smile on his hard featured face he drove his hand through his hair buying a minute of thought to himself and I waited for him to continue. “The great news you’ve been waiting for, I’ve found a home for your bastard.”


chapter 3


I was shocked, stunned at a complete loss for words. I didn’t hear him I decided, I imagined the entire thing. Because how could he have said such a thing? That didn’t make a lick of god damned sense. “You’d think you be a lot happier than that after what the fuck I just went and did for you.” he spat still wearing a grin.
“I’m sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said.” he repeated it again, and I still would not except it. “Are you crazy? I want my baby she’s not going anywhere. She’s staying with me!” I couldn’t contain my panic I was losing my cool and fraying at the seams.

“Oh yes you are. I found some dumb fancy shmucks to take in this filthy bastard of yours and your going to give it to them you hear?” he made an advance towards me in hostility, I side stepped him my eyes were wide in horror, and I clutched at my swollen belly. “NO! NO! NOOOO!” my head was snapping left and right shaking my head shouting “NO! SHES MY BABY! MINE! I’M NOT GIVING HER UP I LOVE HER! YOU CANT MAKE ME SHES MY BABY!” I was hysterical he was still approaching me my eyes where blurry with torrential tears my whole body was quaking with fear.

Suddenly my fathers eyes became widened with hate and they became large and dark and when he reached me with his face touching mine, my upper arms in his vice grip he shouted, spit flying into me face, “Listen you slut! These are nice fucking folks and if I said your giving that fucking thing up you fucking are! You should be sucking their fucking asses for this fucking thing, because no fucking right person in their right fucking minds would wanna’ go and do suttin’ as so fucking stupid as this! And lastly you shut your cunt mouth Britney you keep shoutin’ your nonsense and go and get me some kinda charge, so help me! You hear!” he finished and shook me the entire time he spat at me, like a hissing rabid animal, when finally he finished with a punch dead center to my face. I barely knew what had hit me, as I hit the hard tiled kitchen floor before everything had gone black and silent.


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I wasn’t sure how long I was down most likely long enough for my father to disappear, I awoke to a tremendous pain in my stomach and immediately thought of my baby I was panting hysterically and in between each pant screaming for my life I felt like I was dying and shriveling up, yet being pulled apart at the same time. Something’s wrong with my baby, “HELP!”I had quickly realized my eyes were shut and I opened them and at the same time I placed my hand down below between my legs because I felt so hot there suddenly. When my hand returned it was dripping with blood. The sight of scarlet sent me reeling, I screamed with everything I had, “HELP ME PLEASE SOMEONE MY BABY NEEDS HELP!”

With each new heave of pain and each new spout of blood, everything came crashing down instantly. My baby inside me might not live because of the man that created me, my father did this to her and I and has gone, left, like nothing had happened. He probably went to go celebrate. The pain became too much for me to bear, maybe it was a mixture of all of it together, I don’t really know if I’ll ever know for sure, but I went in and out of consciousness, screaming each time I came to.

Because of all this going on I’m not really sure how long I laid like that on the cold hard kitchen floor, but I remember someone coming into my home, by kicking the side door in and coming to my side. I couldn’t hear what she was saying I just only saw her mouth move, I was screaming so loud I cant believe it took that long for someone to come help me. She looked familiar, oh she was my neighbor, Suzanne they called her no, Miss Suzanne. In our neighborhood-which wasn’t so great, pretty bad if you ask me- her house was the one and only one that stood out she had magnificent gardens out front with all kinds of flowers you could imagine. I was always jealous and happy whenever I caught her home in my glimpse, I think everyone was even if a little. “Please help me! My baby my baby please my baby!” I kept shouting and shouting I think she was shushing me, but I couldn’t comprehend.

I soon saw lights flashing on the reflection on the side door glass. Blue and red. But everything was still eerily silent save for my screaming. What I was feeling right now could only be described as an out of body experience I suppose. It really explained a lot as to why I was able to think of all the odd and insignificant things I was presently thinking. I saw men in white and blue shirts pouring into the broken doorway but slowly with bags, and duffels, and a bed but they were moving so incredible slow, how dare they! “MY BABY!”

And just like that I was sucked back into my broken dire self. “PLEASE!” I was panting rapidly I couldn’t get anything else out I felt as I couldn’t breathe. I was grunting and felt as if I was about to vomit, and my insides were being torn out. And the blood all the blood everywhere on me, the floor, my neighbor, my hands. I just stared at them panicking, screaming, grunting, choking.

Everything was moving so incredibly fast, the men and a women were holding me down, touching me, trying to stick needles in me, attempting to hold me down, when what the should’ve been doing was saving my baby. My neighbor was moving to a standing position and with her bloody hands brought to her sad concerned face backed away for these people to do their work. She never left. Suddenly I was jerked into the air and wasn’t able to move. I had been strapped down to the mobile bed they had brought.

As I was leaving the house I could see why my neighbor had brought her hands to her face she had a rosary she was praying for me, and I really hope my baby too.

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I awoke in a bed in the standard white of a hospital room. I looked down and went to cusp my baby belly to find it wasn’t there I had no round belly, I was empty. I screamed.

A nurse came into my room almost immediately, followed by a few more, and rushed to the side of my bed.

“WHERE”S MY BABY?” I screamed. “Calm down, calm down!” one of the nurses shouted panicking, and that was just not possible, I wanted to know what the fuck happened, “Where is my daughter?” they came in around the sides of my hospital bed, trying to calm me down attempting to talk to persuade me to listen. I was beyond that, I was hysterical, what happened to my baby? Why where they not telling me? I decided I needed to listen, sucking in incredible amounts of air, trying to get a hold on myself, it was extremely difficult, I was hysterical. I just kept cupping my belly, it felt so disgusting so giggly like Jell-O fatty Jell-O. I tried to speak through my heart wrenching sobs, terrified for the answer, another nurse had entered my room and I hadn’t paid much attention to her she went straight to my Iv lines, and suddenly I felt funny.
“Please, where is my baby?” I whined out I couldn’t even see straight, everything I did see was through salty watered eyes. “She’s in the NICU she was born through emergency cesarean, and had difficulty breathing because her lungs were not fully developed yet, she was a very sick little girl honey. But she’s very strong,” the nurse who had first come in told me, her eyes were soft, and concerned but I found it all obsolete, my daughter was born, I didn’t understand what she was saying, I didn’t know what those big words meant, the only thing I understood was my baby was sick.

“What is that? What does all that mean? She’s strong-she’s ok though? She’ll be ok? Can I see my baby please?” I cried out I was terrified what did all this mean? I didn’t understand any of it. I felt like I was drowning in the ocean and being crushed at the same time. I could get to the top to get air, and the air I did have-steadily running out was being squeezed from me, from everywhere inside me.

I was in so much pain, and I just now realized it, my stomach was burning on fire, and all the squeezing my stomach was doing from the gut wrenching sobs and screams was causing some serious damage. Emergency cesarean kept replaying over again inside my mind, “Cesarean, what is that? You cut me? You cut my baby out? It that why I’m burning?” I cried out, my eyes closed into agony the sobs soaked my voice to an animalistic octave making it hard to understand my words.

And then I felt that funny again, and it felt itchy and worked all over my body, making the pain dull itself away, and I felt heavy in a good way, but the sobs were still there but dying, and I heard the nurse tell my quietly I should feel the morphine by now, and that it would take the pain away. Whatever that was, was doing its job, and I gratefully accepted it, but I didn’t accept the no response I got about my baby. “Please, my baby..” they were lifting my gown up, saying in hushed voices to check my surgical site for tears, I cringed. I caught her hand just before she left, she looked sadly down at me, and leaned in to my face,

“When you’ve had a chance to recover a bit I will take you to see her, but you’ve had very serious surgery you need to rest.” she said softly, nicely. And I looked up at her as she pulled her face away from my ear and nodded thanking her from the very bottom of my heart itself. She returned my nod with a short thoughtful one of her own and she left, they all did. I felt so tired and I couldn’t keep my eyes open any longer, and just before I shut my eyes one thought flitted into my brain at incredible force, it was of the song I heard just a few days ago, Capri by Colbie Caillat, I remember liking the name Sunny and it was then that I knew. “Sunny Capri” I whispered out, that was my baby’s name.

When I awoke, I was groggy and at first I hadn’t a clue where I was, but then a nurse came in pushing a cart. I had been laying on my side, when I saw her come in and as she walked up to me, I noticed it wasn’t an ordinary cart. “Oh my god!” I sat up abruptly, my breath failing me on my statement of shock, and I began to feel incredibly nervous as she stopped the cart with my daughter inside beside me. “Oh,” I said in awe at how small, and pink she was. She was so adorable, so, so tiny, so sweet her sleeping little face. I had one hand bracing myself as it hurt quite a bit to sit up so fast, but even that being said, I had my other hand at my heart it felt like it was clawing out to get to my baby. I looked nervously to the nurse, I didn’t know what to do, what to say, so I settled for, “C-can I touch her?” I was petrified and I gulped down some horror that had risen in my throat, looking at the nurse, “You can hold her,” she said with a smile, and she lifted my little bundle of love out of her clear little basket and came to my side, “You have to hold your arms like this honey,” as she demonstrated what I needed to do. I immediately did so and that was it not another word and my baby was in my arms, “Oh!” my breath failed me again and I felt such emotions such intense raw emotions I began to cry, my chest felt like I was being stepped on, and I couldn’t stop it. I sniffled and just took a shaky delicate finger I didn’t want to hurt her, but I had to touch her little tiny precious face, she was so beautiful. The tears poured down, and my chest rose and fell rapidly to the tune of sobs and I just silently wept with my very own baby, the little kicker and hungry black hole inside me rested asleep within my arms. I couldn’t believe she was here, that this was all happening I had forgotten the nurse was still beside me, “Are you alright honey?” she asked immediately concerned, and my head whipped up to face her and I nodded yes and took my IV heavy hand and swiped away at the ferocious onslaught of tears, squeaking out a meek sob stained “Yes, she’s just so beautiful,” and she smiled so warm, so big and loving, and I laughed having felt stupid for being such a korney crying mess.

“What are you going to call her? Her bassinette card needs a name sweetie, even though baby Hart is just to adorable,” the nurse said, surprising me. I looked up at her face again I had finally gotten a hold on myself and those crazy emotions, the nurse said it was perfectly normal for me to be acting that way that it was post partum hormones. I realized she also had been the one who was nice to me before when I had been hysterical, and I remembered my thought from last night. “Sunny Capri Hart.” I said with a smile, and her face hadn’t changed and I suddenly felt self conscious at the name I had picked for my baby, was it stupid? I didn’t think so not at all,

“I love it! Its so sweet and different. I’ve never heard of a baby named Sunny at this hospital since I’ve worked here in all my 30 years. That’s definitely an original name, Sunny Hart… good job!” she said again with the warmest smile on her face, and her words made me feel so good, so incredibly good, I wished I had my mother here right now, she died when I was two from a aneurism. I was really glad to have this nurse, thanking god for this one nice person, I sent a thank you up to god whenever someone was nice to me. She went over feedings how much to give Sunny, and how often, how to hold her to burp her, and lastly how to change her diapers and care for her umbilical cord. It was crazy all the things I had to do, and how carefully I had to do them. I had to do it right, or else. It made me so nervous but I put it all aside for my baby. She awoke and she just looked at me, she didn’t even cry. “Hello, baby girl. I’m your mommy.” I cooed to her. The nurse had left and I was snuggling my baby when my father walked into the room.

My heart leaped inside my chest pounding like crazy. He was wearing his usual no good cocky smile, and that made everything worse. Everything he had said came rushing back to me, the fight, what he said about my baby, my baby being born too soon because of him. In one wild terrifying flood. He was wearing the same thing I last saw him in, his 1981 raggedy tweed tan blazer, and kakis with a new mess of colorful stains. He held in his hands some flowers, that looked like he plucked them from someone’s yard-they still had dirt on them, and he strode over to me like he hadn’t a care in the world. I felt the scowl creep up into my face, feeling its permanence as long as he stayed. I felt scared trapped and now my baby was between us. What would I do if he hit me, or my baby? Suddenly I felt terrified for my child, and an emotion that I never before felt ripped itself from my gut, and shot up to my chest and higher with incredible force.

I looked down at my baby, my chest rising and falling rapidly, my breathing following suit, and saw her beautiful tiny face, her sweet little all seeing eyes, and I knew that if he tried anything, anything at all I would do anything, to protect my baby. I felt this animalistic growl start inside me, and I quickly turned my eyes to my father, with one thought in my mind, and I’m absolutely positive it was etched into my face. ’try to hurt me or my baby and I will fucking kill you.’ that simple.

Oh he saw that look all right, and something in his eyes besides the tell atale sign he saw what I was internally saying shown through on that disgusting scowl of his, and then suddenly it was gone, replaced with one of semi shock, and then very quickly he recovered. “I brought you these,” he said awkwardly handing me the flowers that I obviously could grab. And then he chuckled and laid them down on the bedside table. He shuffled his feet really quick, and he kept clearing his throat, seeming to me like he was uncomfortable about something. “What? What’s you problem?” I asked quietly so as to not disturb the baby. I quickly looked down and she was still looking around very quietly. Wow, she is beautiful. I turned my head back up to my father, he kept stealing weary glances back to me over and over again, at first I thought it was because he thought I wasn’t looking but, then I wasn’t s sure.

He was really making me start to feel on edge with his edginess. All sorts of emotions, or ’looks’ plagued his face at lightening speed, rage, happiness, scared, weariness, unease, and then the second to last, sneaky before it was quickly replaced with, an odd look I had only seen half a hand full of times. He stood before me now completely still and with a forehead slicked with a layer of gleaming beads of sweat. I looked down at his fidgeting hands he was wringing them in and out on each other and my head shot up to his face with a look of complete and utter confusion. Just before I could ask again, he said “Britney, I’m-I’m you know,” and then his eyes fell to the ground. What the hell? Was that regret? Was this admittance?” “Uh, no I don’t know-” I began to reply but he cut me off with his response being nearly inaudible I was stunned silent.
“I’m sorry.” he said his eyes still down, and then quickly almost as if his personality was on shuffle his whole demeanor changed.

His face came up and all those emotions were simply gone, and upon further examination of his face, I noticed how huge his pupils where, great he was high. But even still I was completely stunned, I cant believe he said sorry and to me! I felt all these emotions I felt like I shouldn’t be a bitch and say ’whatever’ but I felt like I could discredit it either, he never says sorry, high or not. And that…was something. “Dad I- thank you,” was all I managed to say. I couldn’t go all emotional ’oh dad you’re the greatest I’m so sorry I love you so much! I forgive you!’ blah blah blah, not ever going to happen. Because the truth was he was an utter and complete piece of shit, who didn’t deserve to walk the planet let alone be allowed to reproduce. But here I was as was he, and now Sunny. So that was all I could get out. I hoped that was enough, and I wasn’t sure where things were going to go from here. So I waited.

He looked up at me all those previous emotions gone ,and now he looked over at my baby in my arms. He smiled, and it wasn’t snaky, or sadistic, or anything really but genuine and sweet. Another first. Wow, all this was far to bazaar for me to handle right with all that has happened in this incredibly short period of time, but I’m not sure if it’s the post partum emotions or what but I had to struggle not to cry. I was feeling completely overwhelmed right now, and wasn’t sure what I could do about if I could do anything at all.

He leaned over and during so I caught something in my peripheral, something hanging out of his pockets in the back of his pants something long and white. He leaned back and shot over to my other bedside table to my pitcher of water and ice there and poured himself a drink. I looked to him as he gulped greedily, and he saw me gaping and took that as I wanted water too, “You want some?” he asked but he had already finished it all. I shook my head no and he came back to look at Sunny that smile again on his face. So rare, it was “Can I hold her Britney?” my eyes shot down to an automatic hell fucking now, but he before I could complete the look and with an audible fuck off, he quickly shot off, “I promise I’ll clean my hands with that booger goo on the walls them doctors are always squirting. I’ll sit down too right here and wont move damn it. Plus I have these ah uh, papers they-them nurses told me to have you sign for the baby it will be real quick I promise.” he seemed odd, nervous suddenly, and I couldn’t help but feel the growing pit of darkness inside me, but he was acting so uncharacteristic of himself, so completely out of place I wasn’t sure what to think. Was it because he turned over a new leaf? And finally decided to love me his one and only daughter, because I too now had my own? Or was it just Sunny? I’ve heard people going all soft for babies and all, and he had just done some pretty shocking things to say the least. He had said he was sorry, and all his faults aside, everything aside, him treating me badly, so badly hitting me, swearing and calling me names, not feeding me, all of it aside, he was still my father. He was all I had left, and if this was it, him saying sorry right now for what he had done, whether it was because of himself, me or Sunny it was enough I decided. I’d let him in, he’s all I got, and somewhere deep inside I knew I loved him, I had been waiting for this my entire life. And I couldn’t stop the tears, as they rose harshly into my eyes burning, lip quivering, and he kept staring at me that hopeful pleading look in his eyes as he awaited my answer anxiously.

All that aside something was just pulling, tugging at me from the inside out, telling me warning me something was wrong that I couldn’t ignore this. I had never ever felt like this before it was so unreal, so powerful a feeling, and then with that thought, came that none of this had been the ‘norm.’ Maybe somewhere deep inside me I somewhere unconscious I know that this isn’t right, maybe its my defense mechanisms, warning me not to trust, because I never have trusted before. I decided then that that was probably it. I took a deep breath to help steady myself and I shoved aside that growing darkness inside of me. And with a tight hard emotion filled nod, I allowed my father to hold my baby. And he did, he sat down right next to me, and with delicate shaking hands he took her and brought Sunny to his chest, but not before pealing the papers, the ones I had seen from his back pockets and placed them beside me on my bed.

There was a pen already fastened to the top of the papers and boy oh boy they had tons of type on them, I felt dizzy with all the responsibility of all I had to do now that I was a parent, and quickly became scared for the first time of it all as it sank in on these papers. I had no idea what they said or meant, or worse what they were for. I didn’t want to my whole body and mind made that clear and I shrugged it off as the pit of growing darkness inside me grew even more, something felt terribly wrong and again I shoved it down and asked my father what these were for, “I think her birth certificate I had to do all that crap before too, I just signed on the line like everyone else. Its right here,” he said inclining to the bottom of the pages, as well as the remaining pages. I looked wearily at him, feeling like I should read them but he looked so sure, so unaffected by it, I gave another most hard unsure look at him before I turned my attention back to the stack of papers, and signed each and every page that required my signature.

He was sitting beside me yes but he was in front of me also, and I had been turned slightly to my table that moved over my bed, once I was finished I looked up he had his head down, at the baby cradled within his arms but his face was slightly inclined to me, at me. I looked up to him sneakily staring at me and that incredible dark feeling inside me exploded, making me catch my breath, and I gulped harshly and then the feeling was just gone. As soon as I noticed him looking at me he had turned away instantly, this all happened in a matter of 2 seconds flat, and he looked up at me, I’m not sure he saw I had seen him looking at me sneakily, “All done then?” he said I nodded my brows furrowed, in unease. I cocked my head slightly and was about to say something, “Cuz I gotta’ take one hell of a piss” he said hurridly hadning off the bay to me, and oddly that made sense. I let the feeling and question go and once I had the baby, he shot up, and turned to leave but not before taking the papers with him. He nodded, awkwardly and said “Mind as well return these” and hurried off.

Just a few minutes after the nurse came in, the kind one form before “I gotta take the little darling to get her hearing tested, and I’m going to give her a bath too. She’ll be back in a little bit alright?” I inhaled strongly of her sweet baby magical sent, kissed her beautiful little scrunched up face and handed her off, feeling in my gut that I really didn’t want to do that. That I never should have handed her off, that feeling of utter darkness came back this time with a vengeance. The nurse took notice, “Oh Honey it doesn’t hurt, she’ll be back real soon ok? I promise. She’s in good hands.” she said with another one of her warm kind smiles and I nodded she was right, it was ok. But I couldn’t change how I felt inside. I couldn’t change how I feel. Then they walked quietly out the door, I felt really tired again after all these emotional rollercoaster’s I had been sampling and felt like I should, and could take a small tiny nap. that’s what I did, but I never could shake that deep gut wrenching dark bad feeling inside me.


Where you belong.

Chapter 4.

I’m not sure how long I slept, but it sure felt like forever. Opening my eyes was slow at first, and my eyes were crusted filled, crunching apart with my efforts. I looked about my room, it was dark and empty. My baby hadn’t returned yet, and I sat up quickly to press the call button for the nurse. “Yes? How can we help you?” a nurse replied through the speaker on my bed, “Um, my baby. She’s not here, can I have her please?” I asked uncertainly into the tiny speaker.

She pressed the answer button back, but I didn’t hear her speak. Hmm…ok? Still nothing. “Hello? My baby please?” I said once she let go and she replied but her voice had changed, “One minute please, I’ll send your nurse right in.” and that was it I guess I had to sit and wait. Maybe ten minutes later a nurse showed up, one I haven’t seen before. She strode in my room and then stopped just before my bed, with the weirdest expression her face, one I just couldn’t make out. I cocked my head inquisitively and was just about to say something, when she made an attempt to speak. “Um…” and that was it that odd look never leaving her face. I was utterly perplexed, she didn’t have my baby with her, “Are you bringing me my baby? Where is she? Is she still getting her hearing tested?”

The nurse crinkled her brows, while she stared at me like what I had just said made no sense what so ever. I was getting more and more uneasy by the moment and it was bubbling up to the point of no return, “Look, I don’t know what the hell your problem is, but where the hell is my baby?” I spat tired of this game she was playing. The darkness inside me growing gaining speed, it took over my mouth and my heart, and she stepped forward and said, “Honey, the baby left with her parents thus morning.”

What?

I shook my head like my ears had water in them, incessantly shaking my head “What?” my hands held out in front of me palms facing her, held into a loose formation of hold on a minute, stop what your doing. “What the hell did you just say? Her parents? I’m her mother!” the nurses eyes rose high on her tight face and she took a step forward towards me her hands defensive like mine, and then something like shock passed through her features, and she stepped backwards.

“Listen lady this better be a fucking joke! Where is my baby?” I shouted my chest was pounding with ferocious thuds of fear from my heart. I was drowning. The darkness finally consuming me, taking control ripping the reins from my grasp, leaving in its wake deep lacerations. “I don’t know what’s going on here-Oh,” she said, drawing the last part out like something significant occurred to her, and she turned quickly on her heels, and left my room.

The lacerations, were laced with darkness, a poison so profound it propelled me right out of my bed. I ripped the covers off and landed on the ground fully intending to go after this nurse. As I stood I felt the blood pour down my legs, and it caused me to slip and nearly crack my head on the cold hard tiled hospital floors. Immediately righting myself, panic flooding me entirely, I ran after the nurse, “Hey! Hey! Stop where is my baby! I want my baby now!” she didn’t stop, but she turned around, and saw me coming after her. A look of pure terror incased her face and she sprinted forward, to the nurses station desk, alerting another nurse there. The other nurse’s head shot up and she too leapt out of her chair. But she slammed her hand down on the desk, and then an alarm sounded. The nurse whom I had chased disappeared and the nurse who had been sitting sprinted towards me.

“Calm down! Calm down! Go back to your room!” she shouted as she came at me a look of anxiety and determination plastered onto her face, and she charged right at me grabbing my arms as I shot them out flailing them into the air before me. “No! Where’s my baby! She said some people took her home! I want my baby! NOW!” I screamed into her face and the nurse clamped harder on my upper arms squeezing them, shaking me, not listening to anything I was saying. She just kept shouting “Go back to your room! CALM DOWN NOW!” I couldn’t calm down, now I felt crazy, sick, driven by fear darkness and pure terror. What was happening? Why wont they listen to me? I struggled with the nurse trying to push by her, screaming for help, but she never once faltered. Suddenly I felt such pain such sick twisted blazing hot pain, in my stomach as I dove to the side and back. I new I had to have ripped open my cesarean stitches.

And I felt faint I couldn’t stop though I had to find out what happened, where my baby was.

“A LITTLE HELP HERE!” the nurse screamed. And I was entirely engulfed in rage I shoved her with all my might, feeling another tear of some sorts from somewhere on my body, and I heaved just as I was caught from behind, by someone very strong. I was completely caught off guard, and whoever it was lifted me off the ground entirely. I was tossed backwards and up and I screamed with all I had “HELP ME!” to anyone who could here me. A hard cold hand clamped down onto my mouth, and as I was wrenched backwards I saw the nurse who had ran away. She was running towards me, fear staining her face and eyes, tears pouring from them, and as soon as she reached me I saw she had a needle, and she tried to stick me with it.

I struggled, twisting with everything that had no matter the sheer white hot pain it caused me, I managed to free one of my arms and I shot it forward to block her blow. I kicked the other nurse right in the chest, because whoever held me from behind wrenched me back again, and the nurse went flying down. My arms got caught, tethered to something from my IV, and I saw blood squirting in the air on all of us. The nurse with the needle came back and connected right into my neck as I kept on struggling. Soon I was back into my room, and people were flying to the scene from everywhere all with looks of utter horror on their faces.
And suddenly I felt like I wasn’t me, like I was a puddle pouring down whoever had me, and everything dripped heavily to the ground. I couldn’t see right, couldn’t breath right, I felt like a fallen log, as I was tossed onto my hospital bed and strapped down. I couldn’t see all the faces around me anymore they all dripped, flesh falling in clean drips to the floor, like hot summer rain.

I felt my eyes roll into the back of my head, and my mouth fell open going immediately dry. And that was it… my world was void of the darkness, the sheer terror, the pain was all simply gone.

Falling like hot summer rain.


*****************************************

“Daddy, I’m hungry.” I told daddy, I was so scared to tell him but I felt like my stomach would get sick again if I didn’t. He spun around fast, staring at me with that mean look on his face again the one that made me so scared, I began to cry I couldn’t help it. My hands were shaking and my legs where to, and daddy stomped over to me and grabbed me by the arms, “What the fuck do you want! I fed you yesterday if you hadn’t fucking puked it all up you would be fine!” he shook me, squeezing my arms, it burned, and he spit in my face as he screamed the words in my face. I let out a terrified wale “Please daddy! It hurts! Please stop daddy!”

He shook me more and more before he tossed me back, I fell to my butt on the kitchen floor. He smelled like that stink again, on his breath, the one from the brown bottle he always drank from and his eyes were huge and red. He stomped to the stove and threw a bag of Cheetos at me, most of them spilt to the floor. “Six fucking years of this shit with you! You should of died with your mother! Eat this shit, say another word to me and I’ll lock you outside again!” daddy screamed, he came towards me, I thought to hit me again, but he didn’t he just stepped purposely on some of the Cheetos and then he left out the back door slamming it shut behind him. I peed my pants. I was shaking so bad my teeth chattering so harshly, I chipped my new front tooth. Daddy didn’t come back and I sat there for a long time like that crying, shaking in my own pee because I was too scared to move. I was so hungry, I couldn’t take it anymore I reached for the squished cheetos. Today was my eighth birthday.

*********************************

“Hey do you have any money? I need to get something important,” my dad said as he slumped up against my doorway, begging me for money. Again. I exhaled harshly, he was high obviously on some slow shit, other wise he would’ve come in and taken it from me, after he beat me. I decided he was no threat, and I did have some money from holiday cards from my distant grandmother. He slipped and fell back into the wall, too slow to catch himself, but he eventually did and came back repeating his question. I looked sideways at him, he was scratching his arms harshly, I could hear clearly the force he was scratching at, and I reached for my hidden cash stash.

I tried to conceal it to the best of my ability, I didn’t have much left $39.00 I used this for food whenever I was hungry, and took out $10.00 for him, that would be plenty for a hit or two. I sneakily looked back over to him to see if he saw where I had my stash and he was fidgeting so much that I don’t think he saw where I had hidden it. I stuffed the rest back into my 13 year old birthday card and its envelope, and walked over to him with it. He grunted and said he’s be back later, and sprinted down the stairs and slammed the door. My stomach had been feeling crappy all day that’s why I was in my room laying down. I had been having such weird pains in my lower stomach, that I figured maybe they were from being backed up so I went to the bathroom.

I got in, and sat down and nearly fell off the toilet, my underwear was soaked in red, and I was terrified. Was I dying? Was this why I was in so much pain today? I was panicking my mouth in a wide shocked perfect O, when suddenly I realized what this was. It was my period. I had been learning all about this in school, but had been waiting for it for so long that when it never happened I had given up and forgotten about it.

When I was done, with shaking hands, I reached for the toilet paper, there wasn’t much left and I knew for certain this was all we had. Shit! I cleaned up as much as I could, with as little as possible, and wadded up a good portion more into my pants. I needed to go to the store and buy some products, I was suddenly so glad I had only given my dad $10.00 but was upset at the same time. I had no idea how much this stuff would cost me, I felt so scared and alone right now, and my chest hurt for my mom, wishing she was here. But she wasn’t so I sucked it up, and was just happy that my dad wasn’t.

I heard, and loud crash, and something sounding like heavy glass shatter to the ground, my breath caught as I realized what it was. I ran towards my bedroom, and found my father stuffing the rest of my card cash into his pants as he knocked my lamp and everything else off my little end table off. “DADDY NO!” I screamed I really, really needed that money and he was taking it to get high! He was stealing the most important thing I had! His eyes widened at being caught but his mouth twisted into a sneaky grin as he plowed into me charging me and knocking me down and running down the stairs out of the house. With my money the only money I had. The money I needed more than anything else.

I was already crying. I was pissed, furious and terrified. I had just gotten my period for the first time, I had little to no toilet paper left in the house and no food and he just took the only life source I just had. I couldn’t do a thing about it. I sat there and punched the floor in front of me screaming my head off with every swear I knew. I got up and stormed downstairs anything I saw I picked up a hummed at the wall screaming non stop. I smashed anything and everything I could find, and was shaking so bad at the end I flung my back to the wall and slid down to the floor in an furious disastrous mess. I balled my fists up and screamed again, when I opened my eyes, I saw that I had smashed the only picture I had left of my mom that my dad hadn’t ruined. I screamed again, and brought my fists to my face punching, as I pulled my hair and cried myself crazy. Like I did most nights when my dad wasn’t beating me stupid.

*******************************************************

I was sitting on the floor smacking the TV trying to get a signal by moving the antenna back and forth, when I heard the front door open. I had just been watching Oprah, when the signal went out, we didn’t have cable of course. I knew who it was so I didn’t bother looking, plus it was best to not bother unless I wanted a smack for doing so. My dad called it being ‘cocky’ I called it ’keeping your guard up’ but technicalities you know? I almost had Oprah back, when I heard a giggle. A female giggle. My head shot to where my father was, he had his arm around some strange woman, and she was all over him like white on rice.

She wore a tube top similar to the one that I had upstairs in my room and jeans that were jacked all the way up her crotch. Whore. She had on bright red lipsticks and held in her free hand a lit cigarette. She was all over my dad like he was the air she needed to breathe, and he was licking her on the side of her ear that’s why she giggled. Fucking gross. Then they caught site of me.

“Oh hey honey!” my dad called out putting on his best drunken father of the year award charade. He always did this whenever he brought someone home, didn’t matter if it was a guy friend/junky or a random whore. But it didn’t bother me any, in fact it was quite the opposite I waited for the times like these, everyday on edge just hoping and praying he brought someone home with him. Because when he did he always treated me nice, even if he was fake about it I didn’t care, not at all. And he always brought me home food, or random things like clothes and stuff, from the girlfriends, or a trade for drugs he bought, sold and did himself. The best was when he kept a girlfriend it was nice to have a girl around no matter how they were or what poison they did, they helped out sometimes or took me out and shopped. It was the only girl experience I ever had.

“This is Sheryl, the finest woman I ever did see,” he said in a disgusting cooing way to her, causing her to swoon and he nibbled her ear. She squealed like a dirty little pig. I shuddered ickily inside, cringing from Americas most disgusting home videos, playing out before me. “This is my daughter, uh…Bitc-Britney,” he said stumbling over his fuck up about to call me ‘bitchy’ like he always did instead of Britney. He caught himself and she didn’t notice a thing. God they were smashed! “Hey I got these for you,” she said extending her hand to me for me to take and shake like we were long time good pals. Nope not going to happen Chica.
I put on my biggest fakest smile and said “Hey. Thanks so much!” and I reached out and took her bags, with my enthusiasm she didn’t notice that I never took her hand. Good.

They had a bunch of crap with them, bags of all sorts, and a crazy but usual mixture of random collections from addicts I suppose. Clothes-female-a few pieces, a few male clothes too, but whatever I could make them work, not like I had a choice. Some food cans, dry mixes, ramen noodles, and wait-SCORE! Burger king buggers! Yes!! I took those immediately, opened them up and devoured them. Oh man they were so good I hadn’t eaten since thus morning at school. I didn’t eat lunch some girl picked a fight with me because she said I gave her a dirty look, I didn’t but she hit me anyways and so I hid in the bathroom for lunch.

My dad and Shelly… Er-Sheryl came into the kitchen just as I was downing the rest of the second one, I gulped nearly choking on it in fear my dad would get pissed. I bet he would wait until she was in the bathroom to whack me. “Oh, I wasn’t sure if you liked rodeo burgers. I‘m glad you do,” she said with happy awe, and I sighed in relief. Man these were great! My dad walked next to me laughing at my face full of barb-q sauce like he really meant it and set sown a case of Budweiser on the counter. He opened up a bottle, and handed it to me. To me. my breath caught, and my eyes widened to full capacity, I was shocked, and scared at the same time. Was this a trick or what? “Go on take it, loosen up kid damn,” he said coercing it towards me again, I gulped down fear and took it. He smirked and walked over to his warmth for the night, and they began groping each other in a way that should never be seen by anyone let anole me his 14 year old daughter.

She coughed once she saw me, it was an awkward type cough, and she separated from him asking where the bathroom was, I told her it was down the hall and she left. I was alone in the kitchen with my father, I braced myself for the real ‘dad.’ I tensed my whole body going rigid, non moving and I held my breath, my head down along with my eyes, hand tight on the cold beer in my 14 year old hand. He sighed heavily and turned to face me, I couldn’t see his face it was killing me, hurry lady come on! Here it comes, he moved toward me huffing out, I couldn’t help it, against everything I peaked up to see his face. And what was plastered on it scared me even more… he was smiling. He reached up with his hand and I flinched, my eyes shut as tight as I could get them and I waited. Wait-Waited?… he hadn’t hit me? I looked again and he held a look of utter disbelief on his drunkenly scrunched up face, and he scoffed looking at me like he couldn’t believe the way I was acting. Me? Are you kidding me? The way I’m acting!

“You act like your afraid of me. What? A dad cant love his kid? Come here and hug your old man.” he said as he scooped my shoulders into him in a sloppy awkward bear hug. I flinched again and my breath whooshed out as he squeezed me. He chuckled and said, “I love you girl, look just like your mama you know. Drink up, you deserve it.” he said as he released me from his creepy side-bear hug, and pushed my beer filled hand up towards my mouth trying to get me to drink. I gulped real hard, in profound disbelief and drank, I took a big swig, and swallowed it down. It was fizzy and malty. Not for me at all, but I drank it, and half of another pack too.

I felt so crazy slow, so silly, and so weird. So this must be what my dad feels like all the time, when he does it. I don’t feel mean though, and I don’t think I ever would. Why would he? I don’t understand the only thing I can think of is he’s crazy or he really does hate me like he always says he does. We were in the living room now watching Saturday night live, they were on the couch and I was in the chair my dad always sat in. He had nodded out again, snoring, and that girl Sheryl jostled him awake with a shake and a sloppy kiss. Eww, even as drunk as I was it was still utterly disturbing to watch and he gave it all back like he had never went to sleep. And soon things progressed, very quickly clothes were being removed things were getting heavy. Time for me to go, because it didn’t look they were going to leave in fact it looked like they were going to stay, for awhile too.

I had seen sex before, both my dad doing it to random nasty women, and on TV, it was disgusting he never knew I knew, he was always to smashed and he never did it in his room. One time I found him doing it in my room. Never had I done it and I never fully intended too either not for awhile anyways. Guys don’t look at me, and if they do its because I’m in their way. I move, they walk by, the end. I slowly made my way to my room, the world was spinning, it all made sense, I was drunk after all. Thanks dad, your number one! Actually, this is the first present he’s ever given me that wasn’t a punch, or smack, or derogatory slur at my expense, and it was pretty nice. This day was just to fucking crazy and weird for my comforts. I trudged my way up the stairs and flopped my body down on my bed and slept heavily like I aint never slept before.

***************************************************************

Al these thoughts of my father and I through out my years came flooding in, it was all so overwhelming reliving all my skeletons and nightmares. I thought the past was supposed to stay just that, the past. But if I’ve learned anything its to expect the unexpected, and nothing ever just stays in the past. In fact, the worse it is in your past, the more it will come to bite you in your ass, chewing a permanent hole that wont ever stop eating you out…
Sounds like the beginning of a very dirty joke huh?
Its not.

*****************************************************

RING!!!!!!!!!!

The second period bell rang deafening me along with everyone else in the hallway with me. I slammed my locker closed, annoyed at my heavy bundle of crap books. I didn’t like the weight, but I did like school, I just didn’t like the people in it, nor did they like me. I looked up and saw Ashley walking by, she looked pissed! Oh yay! I could use a friend right now, man it sucked that she had to have a falling out with those skanks to be my friend it was just so stupid. I never told her, I hadn’t the guts. “Hey Ashley you wana hang out-” I asked her eagerly, but she shoved on by me, giving me the meanest scowl she could stopping the words on my lips. Shit, damn. Bitch. Whatever. I exhaled it out, used to people treating me like trash, and I spun on my heels and smacked right into someone.

Um hello! My mind shouted, I looked up and kept going. I ran into a very tall, hot-ass dude, a very popular one at that. Shane Nicks, my mouth fell open, because he didn’t move but stared down at me, but he didn’t have the usual disgusted look on his face. He looked…hungry? “Walking here!” I mumbled and pushed by him shrugging his weird ass off, and walked to English class, just before I turned in I looked back, he was standing there still, staring after me, I looked quickly and oddly at him, and then he grabbed his crotch and squeezed. My breath caught, I quickly scoffed out in disgust, turned myself around and walked into class. But not soon enough, I could here his cocky laughter ring heavily in the air, until I closed the door with a little more force than necessary.

I caught not only the aggravated attention of my English teacher Mr. Northman, but also that of my entire class. Ugh… fuck. I strode up to Mr. Northman’s desk handing in my assignment, I worked really hard on it I really hope its good. It was a short story on my idea of what I thought our reading assignment book would be on. It was a guesstimate for the whole class, and unlike probable belief of what people thought of me, I was and still am a hard worker, I care about my education. It’s the only thing my dad never screws with, the only thing he can never take away, even if he wanted to.

“Thank you miss Hart have a seat,” he said taking my paper and gesturing for me to have a seat so he could start the class. I did so immediately but as the inevitable would have it, it wasn’t without, snarky snide comments, or mumblings of whatever about me. What I was wearing, how I looked, etc. Fuck em’ I got bigger problems then these silly bitches. Bet their daddy’s don’t beat em’ starve and thrive on there souls being shattered with horrible words one should ever say to anyone let alone their very own daughter.
I felt a scowl of sadistic tendencies peel its way onto my face, and it didn’t go without notice. Obviously.

“Fucking fugly bitch, go take a bath skank!” the nearest girl spat at me, she was the pretty type. Hispanic of some kind and she was beautiful, she had it made. I rolled my eyes and settled into my seat, sighing out from what I’m sure was to come to me after class, or worse after school from her. Why me? Why was people always starting with me? Was it because god planned it that way? Was it because I was not ‘cool’ or didn’t wear the right clothes and shoes? Didn’t have a man, sex appeal or status? What the fuck was it? I really wanted to know.

Class went without a hitch and as always I learned something. I loved learning, and I tried to do my best considering my ‘situation’ I was doing all right. Mostly. I was in between classes again, getting ready for the last class of the day, when guess who, shows up.

Ashley.

“What’s your fucking problem huh?” she says to me with an attitude, and her leg bent tapping the ground in the typical teen attitude way. My eyes widened to capacity and I scoffed in disbelief “Me?” I squeaked out flabbergasted at her question, “What’s your problem? I’m fine!” I piped out, and she scoffed herself, eye brows shot up, “Yeah, you look it. Listen I cant hang out for awhile, I’m in a lot of pain, cramps and shit. So those bitches are acting up again and some crazy shit went down-I don’t know! I don’t wana talk bout’ it-so anyways yeah I’m on lock down so I cant be chillen for a bit and whatever I’ll call you I guess ya know?”

Oh man she was always in some crazy shit, always in trouble, but easily forgiven by her peers and parents she was a star cheerleader, got semi good grades from copying mostly-I’m not exempt from that list either, but I’ll credit her this; she doesn’t always copy my work, only when she ‘likes’ me she does. I’m kinda sick of her shit, always dissing me whenever she feels like it, but the part of me that has seen her fun, cool, semi nice side, is feeling for her, thinking of what the hell she done got herself into now. I reached out my hand to her shoulder and patted her for comfort. “It’ll be aight’ again, so for how long this time?” I asked patting her, and for a moment I thought she was going to cry. She nodded tears pooling into her eyes, and she sniffled, leaning into my embrace. But only for a few seconds before some passers by walked near and she straightened herself, inhaling sharply, and backing a step away. “Um, for a bit actually. I really fucked up this time, like really girl. I’ll talk to you later alright?” she said walking away, and just before she did I could see her clutch her stomach, holding it and wincing, stopping dead in her tracks, before another moment passed and she was fine again. She strode off to wherever.

That girl was just crazy. And trouble. But she was my only friend.

******************************************************

“GAHHH” I sucked in a huge lungful of air, as I tried to sit up. Key word being tried to sit up, I couldn’t, but what I did accomplish was hurting my neck pretty bad. I looked down ruefully and found that I was bound to the bed. My bed in the hospital. OH MY GOD! SUNNY!

I felt the whimper escape and movement caught my eyes, they turned immediately to that direction. I spotted a security guard sitting a few feet away in my hospital room, and he just heard my whimper. He quickly lifted up his walkie-talkie and spoke almost inaudible into the little speaker. He closed and placed down his magazine and stood up staring right at me, not even blinking. I was so scared, it was all coming slowly back to me, all the pain, the panic, the darkness.

“Please help me! Please…” I cried out, as he kept on staring at me. I don’t know why I pleaded to this man, just by the looks of him there was no way in hell he would help me. Just then a nurse came into my room, followed by a doctor, and another security officer. It was the nurse I kicked in my struggles, and she had another needle. I couldn’t move I was strapped down, why where they doing this? Why weren’t they helping me find my baby? Could they even do this? Was all this legal?

“Please, please don’t do this! don’t drug me again, please I just need help that’s all! Please just help me!”

My eyes were becoming nearly impossible to see through, as the ever increasing terror filled tears poured on, from a sadness I still couldn’t even comprehend, and then I was being patted on the head, my hair being brushed back from a caring hand. My eyes shot to the cause, and it was the kind nurse from before the one who helped me with my baby. “Honey, they have to until you can deal with all of this. Its for your own good. Once you can come to terms and cope, we wont have to medicate you anymore. Please honey, don’t struggle, don’t make this harder on yourself.” she said concern ringing loud and clear in her warm voice, and I couldn’t help but cry out from her words. My heart broke and a gut wrenching sob escaped my lips.

She leaned down closer to me and whispered into my ear, “Honey I know this is hard, but you gotta put on a good front, you act fine and normal and they wont have to drug you. Please,” she urgently insisted, sounding very much like she wanted that, that that was the only importance, like it was the answer to the universe.

Well I’m not all seeing or give a fuck. The world has done me wrong, and my heart is shattered and I’m being drugged for wanting to know the truth, and no one seems to think this scenario has any flaws or problems. Doesn’t anyone see that something wrong has happened? Something terrible has happened! That a baby has been taken?

The anger boiled up inside me and I shot my restrained body forward telling them to all “Go fuck yourselves!” as I struggled uselessly on in defiance, and pain the worst pain I have even known in my entire life. I wish my dad was here, I wish he was here so he could beat the shit out of me, until I passed out, because honestly it was better than this. I wished I was being abused more than anything right now, I wish he would punch me in my face, and rip my hair out, maybe it would feel better, take away all the anguish I feel now. Where is he now? Where is my father now? You’d think he’d love to be here, a front row seat to this horror movie. Why, I haven’t seen him since… the other day, he held Sunny while I signed those papers.

While I signed those papers…

“The great news you’ve been waiting for, I’ve found a home for your bastard.” -my dad had said to me that day that seemed like a thousand years ago. “THAT FUCKING BASTERD!” I screamed just as the familiar hot, slow sludge of drugs swam at the speed of light through my veins, putting me in another drug induced coma.


Chapter 5 Where you belong.


My eyes popped open, as soon as the thought hit my brain. Right in front of me, in that watchful chair sat not the expected security guard, but the kind nurse from before. I swallowed hard, my mouth completely dry, the parch reaching into my throat, I tried to swallow, but ended up coughing. The nurse took notice and jumped up approaching near. She hadn’t gone to me like I thought she would, but instead went and fetched me a glass of water, she poured and handed it to me. I gulped savoring the cool wetness as it quenched all the way down to my soul it seemed. I had finished so quickly I hadn’t known it was gone until I tipped it completely up and nothing came out, my tongue snaking out to collect, but coming up empty.

“I’ll get you some more, honey. It’s a nasty side affect from the narcotics.” she said softly as she took my cup and refilled it handing it back. Again it was gone to soon. I opened my eyes and swallowed trying to feel and clear my throat, before I spoke to her.

“Why are you here?” I asked hoarsely. My question seemed to have caught her off guard although she had to have been expecting it, hadn’t she? Her face scrunched up as if she had been taken a back, and I quickly thought that maybe I had spoken a bit more harshly than I had intended too. But all things considered, I didn’t let that show, I don’t give a flying fuck she was apart of that resistance, the people who held me against my will, drugged me, and ignored me and my cries for help over my stolen baby. My stolen baby, my heart felt as if it had been stabbed, just thinking that horrible thought and my breath caught, chest heaved out and a small sob escaped. I didn’t want this lady to see me falter like that, I had to be strong, I was alone and only had myself that much was very, very clear.

I had to reel myself in and fast, one more outburst like that and I’m back to reminiscent land with my father and the heavy corpse inducing drugs.

I steeled myself up and met her eyes again, “You don’t have to do that, not with me. Your safe for now,” she said. My face scrunched from shocked, to WHAT? To wanting to kick her ass in about two seconds flat, “What the hell did you just say to me? I’m safe? Safe? And my baby is she safe? If by safe you mean drugged to where I don’t even exist, my baby being stolen, taken from right out from under me without so much as a goddamned batted fucking eyelash, and chained to this fucking bed with a catheter and heavily guarded by security guards, then yeah I’m SO FUCKING SAFE! FUCK OFF BITCH!” I screamed at her, and she hadn’t said a word, her eyes crinkled at my vehemence, and she took a heavy step backwards. She closed her eyes on a unsteady exhale and tuned on her heels and left my room without so much as another word.

Then the security guard walked in and assumed his place, there in his blue hard plastic chair. I felt the familiar scowl creep onto my face, and I stared on at him, picking up his Maxim magazine, flipping to the same old warn picture of the same girl and gawking for hours, until now. He turned his gawk to me, he wore a nasty look on his face and I wasn’t sure if it was from reaction to my scowl, or something else but I began to feel incredibly uncomfortable. Incredibly. I averted my eyes staring down, at the only thing I could-my chest. And I stayed like that for sometime but I still felt his creepy gaze boring into me, I kept shuddering, my body shaking from the creep of it all and the cold.

I had no idea what day it was or how long I’ve been like this it was killing me. Everything was killing me, nothing made sense, how could any of this be happening? How could it? Without a shit load of intervention, thought out-well thought out plans, but that wasn’t the most important question. No that was this; what the hell was I going to do about any of it? Well the answer for now is not a damn thing. I’m 16 years old, just had a baby, my fathers an addict/alcoholic and completely absent and useless. In fact I’m most positive this is all because of him but how? There’s no way he’s smart enough, and if he is he’s not alone.

Every thought flitting in and out drove me closer to madness, to darkness, gaining speed, tainting my soul, torturing me with the very real realization that anything could happen to me, and that I wasn’t in control. I had no say. No one knows how I feel, cares what I say, I don’t exist to these people.

I couldn’t take the solitude, the loneliness, the abandonment that I have become. I mind as well have been locked up inside some pitch-black dungeon, cutoff from civilization as I knew it, because honestly it would be just the same.

Suddenly a call came in through his walkie-talkie, and he quickly answered seeming annoyed. Huh, I wonder what was going on? Once he received his reply he stood up and walked over to my bedside with a nasty sneer on his face as he said, “Seems you have a visitor,” and I’m sitting here thinking just what the heck is this guys problem with me? What is he anti teen mom? “Look, I don’t know what your problem is, but I never did anything to you man,” I said very emotionally, I was very upset at his demeanor towards me, “ Oh never huh? You didn’t attack me, that day you went bizerk? You clawed the shit outta’ my face you left these scars-” he said harshly pointing towards his face, I had noticed them but never did I once think that they came from me, “I’d say I have a hell of a lot to be resentful for. You crazy little bitch, you better watch your back. If you ever get out of here, and I see you-which I sincerely doubt they’ll let your crazy ass out- I will-” he has his hands up pounding them together, he was clearly insane, and very, very violent, bring it!- I thought, but didn’t get to express it neither did he because just then my visitor arrived.

It was a doctor, one I’ve never seen before. Insane rent-a-cop backed away, placing a very fake, very large smile on his creepy scarred face to pretend like he wasn’t just threatening my life, or acting completely violent in any shape way or form. Yeah ok pal, I’ve seen it all you don’t scare me, that much. But then just as I thought that I knew without a doubt that I was indeed terrified, he guarded my room 24/7 no one else came in and that meant he could do whatever to me whenever. I was never safe, and I was at his mercy, because if he really wanted he could, and I’m sure if the wind blew him that way he would. There was nothing I could do, there was never anything I could do about anything.

The doctor strode over and came to stop just at my bedside. He extended his hand to me introducing himself, “Hello Miss Hart. My name is Doctor Prashant Jha, and I’m your psychiatrist.” he said in a very quiet tone, but his eyes said all that he needed to say. ‘I’m a narcissistic asshole and I don’t think, I know I am better than you.’ I immediately hated him, but I really didn’t have a choice in the matter of anything really so on I sat, evermore angrier than before. Evermore resentful, spiteful, and disgustedly helpless and insignificant.

“Now, I want to start with nothing heavy of course there is plenty of time for that, but just the basics. Alright?” he said in that condescending tone of his. Where the hell do these people get off? Who the hell do these fuckers think they are? “First let me tell you, you don’t know shit, about shit. So take your self and remove it from my fucking chair and then take your clean fucking clip board and go fuck yourself with it. Thanks, come back soon!” I said with as much vehemence and seethe I could muster.

He took a small breath, taken aback at my spitefulness, but who cares really? And he didn’t really move or flinch besides that, he might have gripped his clip board a little tighter but other than these observations nada. Suddenly his brows deepened and his dark eyes took on a dark look before quickly disappearing and he said, “I’m going to pretend that didn’t happen and move on from that, I suggest you do the same for your sake. You know, that type of unstable behavior can really be cause for deep medication, and much needed mental therapy. I was under the impression that we needn’t go that route but upon further examination I’m suddenly not so sure, what are your thoughts Miss Hart?”

I was stunned into silence. I couldn’t think my brain just shut down in its cowardice embrace. I was so out of my element, my league and undoubtedly alone. I was alone. As always.

But wait… wasn’t I always alone? Had I ever really had anyone ever in my life?

Why was now any different? I don’t think I’ve ever missed my mother more than I miss her right now. And suddenly I was so mad she left me, I was so mad I started to shake. My teeth were chattering, and I just stared on at Dr. Prashant Jha never wavering, never blinking. Locked on, twitching. I swallowed hard when the filthy lump made its way into my throat, and it wasn’t easy but I stuffed it down, down deep. Something has to be done something has to change, if I’m going to survive in this impossible back stabbing sickly twisted son of s bitch world, I need to start looking out for me. There’s no hope, no helping hand, no white knight to save my darkest day. Its all come down to this, and if I’m going to live any kind of outside life, that isn’t having me strapped here to a hospital bed pumped with drugs then I need to get my shit straight.

I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and swore this all. That this was the last silent word of oath to myself, my eyes rolling back into my head I held onto all I was feeling. Cupping it with every fiber of my being, squeezing, crying, clutching, then I just let it all…go. My arms held out wide I leapt off backwards off the highest cliff inside my mind free falling so fast, I swear I felt my hair flutter, and I opened my eyes leveling directly on a waiting Dr. Prashant Jha.

“Ok,” was all I said.

I don’t know if he saw my battle with hell and Satan himself, but something changed in his eyes, something I’m still not quite sure what exactly it was, but he was clearly taken aback, and he too nodded. “Alright. Shall we begin again Miss Hart?”

“yes,”

“Lets start off simple. What was your childhood like?”

Simple? Simple? Are you crazy?

“It was great, the best childhood any kid could want,” Dr. cocked his head at my sigh of happy reminiscent, laced with the seething.

“Yeah, if you count your dad starving you, beating you, screaming, putting you down, blaming, killing you slowly painfully in every way every day he could. He stole from me, to fuel his drug and alcohol addictions. He fucked his girlfriends and random whores in front of me, and instead of teaching me how to ride a bike he taught me how to cook the heroin on the spoon and shoot it up, after you’ve tied your arm off of course, tight.” I said with as much disgust as I could muster and my body and head shook at the last word. My teeth were grinding over and over again, and then… I just stopped and met the Dr’s eyes once more.

His eyes fell ever so slightly, and he shifted back in his plastic chair, as if not expecting that at all. He quickly recovered as if nothing had happened. “I see… I’m very sorry to hear that, truly I am. Maybe that isn’t so simple as I had previously thought… hmm… what of your mother?”

“She’s dead, didn’t really know her. Aneurism when I was two.” I shrugged my shoulders, as if indifferent. What can you do? Its all different now, it has to be.

“Mmm hmm I see. Maybe we should leave those things for another time, is that all right?” he asked voice all soft. “Sure why not?” I said again with indifference.

“Well, may I ask you of how you’re here at the hospital? Well actually how you got to be here at the hospital these days?” he asked. I looked over at him and nodded, not speaking. He reached down into his pocket and got a new pen, and turned up a new page on his notepad on the clip board and began jotting down.

“Pretty typical. One night stand, but it wasn’t an everyday thing for me, it was my, my um..” I trailed off completely embarrassed suddenly and I felt my face ignite in fire engine red. He looked on at me I could clearly see him through my peripherals, he shifted again in his chair and as the silent grew, I became more and more humiliated. And then it dawned on him, he cleared his throat uncomfortably, and then again, and again. “Ok, alright I see. So, from there-I don’t need the details.” he said not quite meeting my eyes when I finally turned to face him, well sort of I just looked on at the stupid picture hanging just beyond him.

“Well it was that one and only time. And um, that was it, I guess. I got pregnant.” really there was no story there, but on he nodded and asked, “Ok, do you want to talk about it, how that made you feel?” I felt the heat ignite my face again worse then the last time, was this perv really asking me that? I swallowed hard and panicking because I didn’t want to go back to before my pact and lash out irrationally, I took a deep sad creeped out breath and answered, “Um, it hurt like a lot at first-” he began what I’m pretty sure was another nod, but then he stopped mid way, as I continued on and his head cocked uncomfortably to the side. “- but as he um, went on, it got um, better? Um look I cant do-” “OH! Oh God no! Not that!-” he was turning red himself now and he jumped out of his seat, his voice raised uncomfortably saying ‘No not that, not how that made you feel,’ how I was probably ‘not really ready for this after all today,’ and that he ‘should, and is going to leave.’

And with that he left quickly. I was left stunned once again, disgustedly humiliated and undeniably embarrassed. I felt the single tear shy from my eye, and that was when the security guard returned. I would not let him see me this way so I quickly reached up and swiped away the tear as he turned to take his usual seat. He didn’t notice a thing, I don’t think. He tossed me a sneer, and I turned my head away averting my gaze, and stared at the wall instead that housed the nursing schedule. I had to compose myself, this is how I needed to be now, this was it, this was me.

I plopped my head back down against the bed and closed my eyes and thought. If I couldn’t be anywhere but here, then I would take myself to somewhere else, anywhere else, as long as I could think it, it was real. That was true.

I was safe here, inside myself. “For now….” I heard myself whisper.

“What was that?” the security guard snarled out.

Think of Greece, the white houses on the mountain top, all along the cliffs. Think of bright lemons growing, on the lemon tree’s. The music, the nasty cheese. All the pictures in the school library books. Think of what it would be like to arrive there, see the clear bright blue oceans waves curling in on the white sanded shores. The water calling you in inviting you for an afternoon swim, lapping up at your feet.

I can almost hear the waves, smell the salt. Hear the laughter, the foreign music…

“Stupid little bitch,”

Ignore it. Reach down and pick up the sparkling shell there. Go ahead pick it up, hold it in your hand, watch it glisten. The pearlescent shimmering in and out of the bright sun light. Sigh, as you soak up the beautiful breeze, the hot sun rays caressing your arms, shoulders, and face. Squint your eyes from the light, your toes wiggling in and out of the hot sand, your hair fluttering in the breeze. The laughter again, from the other beach goers.

And that was how I spent most of my days. As the days went by and by, not much truly changed except… for being ’freed.’ now that’s a very loose term, because I was still in the hospital but in another unit on another floor. And by freed, well that meant that I was no longer strapped to the bed, catheter and all, was all gone. I could move around in my room, and finally I had my own bathroom, but by no means was I free. Really all this was happening within I say two weeks tops, I hadn’t really seen or heard from Dr. Prashant Jha and didn’t really care either. What didn’t change was my security duty, but the good thing was it wasn’t the same guy who was harassing me, maybe he was on vacation or something whatever it was, I was thankful.

It seemed to me that every time I awoke, I found something new in my room, like a book, or a magazine. Today when I awoke it was actually flowers. They weren’t spectacular by any means but they were pretty awesome. Just some died daisy’s but they were really fun and a fresh treat. I just wish I knew who was leaving me all these little things, and maybe I was thinking to much of it all, maybe it was just the nurses.
I flipped through the standard channels on the TV even though they were amicably available to me, there were something’s I just could not watch. Those being MTV’s 16 and pregnant and Teen mom, for my own personal reasons and not a thing to do with hospital restrictions. I just couldn’t stomach it, just didn’t have the strength, and if I’m going to uphold my pact, then corners needed to be cut.

I ground my teeth together, after having dodged that bullet, and settled for Cheaters, their drama is always a comic relief. Not long later a nurse came in delivering my breakfast and soon left after that. Ahh! this mornings bounty is delicious! Blueberry pancakes, side of coffee and OJ, a thick slick of banana bread some scrambled eggs and sausage. This is most definitely a feast, I swear I’ve never eaten better in my entire life then since I’ve been here at the hospital. I dug in and after the first bite of each little addition I savored, I wolfed down the rest of it in a matter of seconds.

I was done and felt like I could either sink to the bottom of the deepest ocean or float high above the earth, I wasn’t sure. I was on my way out of the bathroom and planning on reading the rest of the classic tragic tale of ‘Go ask Alice’ when upon exiting the restroom I walked smack into the security guard. I looked up and into his face. “Well look who got let loose. I thought you escaped, but it turns out, here you are, mmm hmm.” he said at first as nasty as he could but then something god knows what dawned on him and his tone took on a menacing perverted tone with his ‘mmm hmm’ as his beady creepy blue eyes roamed the length of me standing directly in front of him, toe to toe.

“Well, what do we have here? It’s pretty nice, if you ask me,” he said referring to me-my body-as it. He leaned his head down closer to my face, and sniffed the air around me, like a disgusting animal sniffing for its prey, and moved slightly closer towards me if it were even possible. My mind was in shock at first, then as the chill crept its way up my back, running my blood cold, I stepped back trying to get away from him, but that only brought me into the bathroom. From there, there wasn’t a way out, but there was a pull cord, for emergency’s.

“What’s wrong?” the security guard said in a mock scared way, inching closer to me by the minute. As I continues backing into the bathroom my heart pounding in my chest, I began thinking just what exactly he planned on doing to me. Was he going to hurt me? Beat me up, or assault me in other ways? Was anyone going to even care if he did? Or believe me for that matter?

“What are you doing?” I asked my voice quivering ever so slightly. He stopped coming towards me but I still took another step away for good measure.

He opened his mouth as if about to speak, but then said nothing and instead he let out a pleasured moan with a sinister half smile as he came closer to me hand slowly reaching to me.

“-Yo, Kevin where the hell are you? I just walked by your post, and you were not there. Paula’s chewing me a new asshole man, I thought you were going to help me out?-” suddenly came over on the security guard’s walkie-talkie stopping him dead in his tracks. He ground his teeth together, clenched him fists slightly and turned to the side grabbing his walkie, and spoke into it,. “I’ll be right there was just taking a bathroom break man, don’t worry I still got you alright?”

“Alright man, thanks. I’ll see you in a minute, Maureen’s back. Damn this lady sucks!” and then ‘Kevin’ the evil rent-a-cop walked out like nothing had happened, and not another look back at completely shocked me. “Whoa…” I exhaled my hands were shaking like crazy, and I felt so light headed suddenly. A hard chill ripped its way up my back jerking me forward. I stood there for a few minutes more just staring ahead of me at the space were he recently stood, before I even thought about moving. All I kept thinking about was what almost, could’ve, happened. Holy shit. What did he plan on doing? -I cant really say, but what I did know was it was nothing good, or in my best interest.

I went to the bathroom and went back to my bed, picked up the worn copy of Go ask Alice, and finished reading that book. I was even more upset if possible, that book was hard core and I’m not really sure how I feel about it all. I picked up my remote and flipped on the TV, and settled on ‘19 kids and counting,’ that show is crazy. How could they deal with that many kids? This world is too much for me I tell you, and watching the show I thought what would I have been like if I had been born a Duggar, and then thought promptly did I really want to be shut off from the world that much? Hell no. shaking my head clearing those weird thoughts off I drifted into an odd sleep. I’m not sure what I dreamt of but I do know that I did. I know at one point I was whimpering, or crying but it wasn’t strong enough to completely jolt me awake. Huh.

“Britney,” someone called to me, shaking me awake. I opened my eyes and found the last person I expected to be here sitting on my bed jolting me awake.

“Holy shit! Ashley!-” rushed out of my mouth as my eyes recognized the face in front of me. She smiled and leaned into a hug with me. “-Oh my god! What are you doing here?” I asked slightly out of breath, wondering why she was here, but so glad that she was. I was so glad that I was so completely surprised and shocked at my reaction to her being here. I was always thrilled at her presence, when she was being my friend at the moment, and just now, was the happiest I’d ever been seeing her.


Where you belong Chapter 6.


Looking at her just now, seemed like it had been years since the last time I saw her. She was a little different, her hair had gotten longer, and she lost the bimbo blonde of it, and settled for a honey beach babe blonde look and she looked fantastic. “You look so good! I really love your hair!.” I said to her as we broke off from our embrace. “Thanks. Yeah a lot has changed with me. So how are you?” she said and I swear I could actually see a look of real concern swim in her blue eyes down on me.

I kind of did this gulp/choke action/sound at her question. I wasn’t really sure I had an actual answer for her, could I really sum up my entire shitty impossible ordeal-life to her in a word or two? I don’t even know for how long I’ve endured all of this, I don’t even know what day it is. “Well?…” she prodded and I was forced to look at her like a child who has to tell their parents the really bad thing they’ve done, and completely defenseless, I felt the hot burning tears sting my eyes and spill over when they were unable to contain themselves any longer in my sad pitiful eyes. I opened my mouth trying to speak and after it failed me I tried once again, “N-not good Ashley. Not good.” my voice quivered and broke, and I really didn’t want too, but I was left with absolutely no choice…

…I broke down completely in front of my sometimes-mostly never-only friend Ashley.

At first she looked on helplessly and quite uncomfortably on at me, but then something changed inside her eyes and it slowly yet effectively crept down her face and she leaned into me arms extended. That made it worse, I cried much harder, baffled at her kindness, never really had experienced it but it was much more than welcomed, it was absolutely treasured.

A long while later, her hugging me and patting my hair down and fetching tissues for the tsunami’s of snots that poured out of me, I finally spoke.

“It’s really bad, and I don’t know what to do. I am in so way over my head it left me breathless and completely defenseless. I really don’t know what to do. I don’t have anyone, and please don’t be mad, but I honestly never thought you’d be here sitting next to me holding me and handing me tissues, like ever in my life. Like EVER.” I was a little apprehensive to say that to her, but after all that’s happened a lot has changed inside me, and new parts and pieces of me have been emerging and surfacing, and this me telling her the honest truth, was so new and totally needed to be done. I knew it in my gut.

I reluctantly looked on at her expecting her to get pissed, collect an attitude and huff out, hop off my bed and stomp out with a very loud and crude ’Fuck you bitch!’ but….
It never did come.

Suddenly her face fell a little and her head turned towards the bed, almost in a shame filled way. Whoa… what was going on?

Still she hadn’t said anything and I asked her “So how did you know I was here?” I said it to both relieve the awkwardness that had steamed the air around us and to also actually and genuinely find out the answer. I really wanted to know why, not that I wasn’t absolutely grateful. Just completely curious.

Her head came up and even though the completeness of the look she had just held in her face, was greatly softened it hadn’t dissipated, not even close. “Well shit, I could go ya know.” she said it but it wasn’t like the normal Ashley-I -could-give-two-fucks-about-you-and-I’ll-prove-it-skank attitude, it was almost disappointing really. There was absolutely no gusto in it at all. There really was something here, something just wasn’t right, maybe Ashley had really changed…

“No, I didn’t mean it like that I just…you know.” I finished with a shoulder shrug, and she nodded in understandment and again we found ourselves looking silently and strongly at each other. “Yeah ok, I know. It was actually Mrs. Welch, you know the guidance counselor?” she ended it in a question because of the look the stole my face I’m sure, but I knew most definitely who Mrs. Welch was, she helped me so much…and it was all for nothing really. I took a really hard deep breath because I feared that if I lost it again, I would truly stay gone this time, and I really didn’t want the drugs again. It took every ounce of strength I had to muster and harbor it so I wouldn’t go off the deep, deep end.

Hell was a horrible place.

“I know go on,” I said softly and she nodded and continued. “Well she came looking for me one day but I had to go straight home after school and couldn’t stay to talk. So the next day as soon as I came to school I told my homeroom I really needed to speak to the guidance consoler, and so I stood at her office until she showed up that morning. I had been dying to come ask about you anyways, you haven’t been around at school and well, ya know.” she gestured around with her hands signifying her appearance here. I nodded, and I thought she had been done but she cautiously continued on, “Um, actually she’s here with me, I couldn’t exactly come here on my own. Still in super heavy deep shit. She’s like waiting downstairs or in the waiting room.”

Oh. Wow. “Oh, well that was like really nice of her…” my eyes crinkled and she didn’t really look so good all of a sudden-no now that I think about it, the entire time of her being here she looked…off, odd, different and I mistook it for her looks obviously because I have been in in hell for so long and I didn’t really see, until now.

“Ashley, you ok?” I asked softly looking at her and her eyes shifted left and right and quickly they glossed over and she put her head back down chipping away at her own nails. She took in a large huff of breath and nodded, swallowing a few times before she brought her head back up, still not quite looking me in the eyes.

“Seriously, is everything all right? Ash what did you do? Your reminding me of that day at school…” and instantly I had a flashback to that day, and obviously I had struck a nerve because just then the tears spilt over, and down they poured unrelenting the swam.

“That’s just it, it’s still that day, that fucking day fucked up my life. No-no I fucked up my life…” she cried. Her mouth was curled up and out in utter sorrow, she threw her hands up and around as she spoke threw heartbreaking sobs. I couldn’t believe it, I had NEVER seen her like this and quite frankly I didn’t know this person existed. I was beside myself at her and I didn’t know what to do but I knew that I wanted-no needed to do something and so I reached out to her and grabbed her to my side, much like she had just done with me. And I too let her cry it all out, and I knew with every fiber of my being that, she needed this almost as much as I did if not more…this was not the Ashley I knew. Not even close. Something was terribly wrong and it was so blindingly evident now.

Suddenly she broke free slightly to look me in the face and she said, “I have to tell you something, like it’s really important, and I have been dying to tell you to share with someone I trust-” WOW. I wasn’t expecting that, I never really thought I was her true-real friend just and inconvenient, convenience for her. The Barbie doll always sitting there waiting for her to come along and manipulate whenever she wanted for as long as she wanted.

“Ok, I swear you can tell me and I would never say anything I swear to god Ash.” I assured her gently, sensing the urgency and delicateness of this most enigmatic of situations. On I waited patiently.

“I know thank you. You remember that day at school right? The day I asked you why you were being such a bitch?” as I recall it wasn’t me who the big ol’ bitch was and I clearly remember that day, it was one hell of a day. “Yeah, I do.”

“Yeah, well I know you weren’t being a bitch but I was just going through some major shit like beyond the level of like massive shit.” well shit I wasn’t expecting that either, holy fuck tarts! Maybe she really is different…

“Britney what I’m about to tell you is massive and I know you’re the only one who will understand.” I was beginning to become very unwary and disgruntled at her statements and I nodded on, feeling in my gut that whatever she was going to express was most definitely some massive shit. Maybe just maybe… I’m not really sure what it will do…

She sat up and away from me returning to her former position sitting cross-legged on my hospital bed in front of me and her hands wringing in and out of one another. Her head down tears pouring.

“Britney I got pregnant.”

It was almost like a vacuum sucked me back and through a time portal to that day at school and there she stood right before me walking away. She stopped suddenly and with her head down cupped her belly. She had just told me what deep shit she was in and wasn’t sure when she’d see me again. HOLY SHIT. I cant believe I didn’t see it then, didn’t know that, that was what was up. Shit if anyone should’ve known, it should’ve been me, I was almost ready to pop!

And back through the vacuum time portal suction, going forward back to the present. I blinked and there she sat in front of me, all-not in a mean, bad, or shitty way, but-pathetic. Wow again.

“Oh my god Ashley! Like wow, that is some seriously massive shit…” I put my head down thousands upon thousands of thoughts ripping through the folds of my brain and as I struggled on with a lingering coherent thought, something tickled in the back at what she had said, something was off, but I shook myself free of that thought and on instinct the next thought and most obvious one shot straight out of my mouth without any god damned warning. “Well is it Matt’s? It’s his right? What the hell did he say? OH MY GOD what the hell did Marissa say?!” I was amped up on scared shocked adrenalin, so many questions bombarding my thoughts shocking like tasers in my brain. Her face fell and I immediately knew what I did.

“Look I’m really sorry I didn’t mean to be insensitive, at all. Fuck Marissa, I-I’m-” I stuttered out not sure what I should do, but I was mentally kicking my own ass inside. Most definitely.

“No-no its ok, I mean I don’t think she knows or everyone else would you know. But Matt sure does. He flipped when I told him, he called me a fucking whore, and every other nasty ass name in the book. He said it wasn’t his and all this other shit, said I fucked the whole school. He’s never ever talked to me like that before ya know? He like really, really hurt me. Who am I kidding? He fucking crushed me! I like loved him, really I did. And that wasn’t even the worst part-”

And she broke off, let out a choked sobbing wail of sorts and held her head in her hands while she really cried her eyes out, it was horrible! I didn’t know what to do but even though I didn’t go through that-with my baby dad treating me that way- I still knew what it felt to be treated like that and it hit me so hard and so deeply I found myself just crying much like her. And we did it for a while, I just kept saying “I’m sorry, I know. I know. I’m so sorry,” and then suddenly much like before she sat up and finished the rest of her horrible heartbreaking story.

“So I was home one day-well not one day the 5th of October actually-I’ll get back to that in a bit- and I was just chilling in my room getting ready to go out on an actual date with Matt-it was going to be nice ya know? Not to just find somewhere dark, out of the way to fuck, we were going to go out together and have an actual date, some real fun- when my mom flew into my room screaming her head off.

“What the hell is your problem’ I said to her and she’s like ’What did you do Ashley? What did you do?’ she was nearly hysterical and I was completely dumbfounded and to be honest a little scared, she’s never acted like this before not ever ya know? And so in between her hysterical nonsense mumblings I asked what she was talking about, and she’s all like ’do you have any idea what today is? Aren’t you missing something?’ and as soon as that left her mouth she broke down crying. To say I was stricken fucking dumb was the worlds worst understatement. Dude I was on fucking mars at this point. And obviously it showed on my face and she scowled at me leaving-no stomping out of my room. She went into the bathroom down the hall, I heard some banging around and then she stormed back into my room and threw a package of fucking Always at me. So obviously I yelled ’What the fuck are you throwing fucking pads at me for!’ she shouted back ’don’t you dare use that language young lady! You speak to me with respect or your out of this house! Now use your god given brain and tell me what this godforsaken day is!’

“You’re a goddamned psycho! Get out of my room now! Dad! Dad get this nutcase out of my room! NOW!’ I shouted and when he didn’t come she said, ’He wants nothing to do with you right now, I can promise you that. Tell me what this damn day is young lady!’ getting more and more furious and fed up with her psychoticness I stormed over to my calendar on my wall and read aloud ’October fucking 5th now fuck the fuck off!’ but she wasn’t done not even close. She actually laughed like at me!”

Ashley said as she gestured with her hand at her chest while saying her mother laughed at her and she’s got this smirk on her face but it contains no joy or amusement what so ever, its completely made up of distain and loathing, the kind of smirk a serial killer gets after he’s offered you a ride and you except. I shiver as the sheer fear creeps its way up my back. And then she continues.

“So I face her now, pointing my finger at my door for her ass to make its way through and now, but she smirks this creepy not at all happy smirk and spits ’October 5th huh? What are you missing this day? Or better yet what should you have gotten two days ago but didn’t?’ I stand there my eyes crinkle down in confusion and I just stand there racking my brain for the answer when… BOOM there it is. I felt-no literally listen girl-I fucking felt all the blood drain out of my face. My heart sped up and stopped at the same time, and it became deafening I could hear it and feel it everywhere in my body. And I felt so scared so fucking terrified and I couldn’t breath suddenly, because I speculated what she was implying but yet my mind was seriously denying it all to the max. When I was able to gain control over myself again I stormed back over to my calendar and there circled in red two days prior was the day I was supposed to get my period. The key word being supposed.”

“HOLY SHIT.” I exhaled out whilst my body became a goose bumped oasis. “How did she know?” I managed. And she turned to me now and did that smirk again, and again my back arched in that fear creep way and I shuddered.

“Well, that’s the thing I had no fucking clue, I mean I was absolutely oblivious, so fucking clueless. It was like clockwork with me when it came to my period. The day before I get it, I feel like shit. I eat all the same stuff, bitch way more and the day I actually get it, we go buy me fucking tampons, because I despise pads. Which, was why I was dumbfounded when she threw her fucking pads at me, but then after all that after the major discovery it all made sense. I never started bitching, never asked for my usual monthly cocktail of salty-sweet-chocolatey foods, and then the next day came and we didn’t go fucking tampon shopping. She knew anyways we both get our periods at the same time, some bullshit of woman living together cycle together. What the fuck ever. But I didn’t think it was that bad, that she really checked me out like that.

“And obviously she knows what no period means. I didn’t even know, didn’t feel a thing different. No signs what so ever, not a damn thing, no puking, no nothing. Although I did pee a lot more but only now does that make sense…anyways, again that still isn’t the worst part yet. So obviously mom and dad being so fucking close he already knew just like she did because she cant keep a fucking thought to her fucking self, he already despised me. And then she said, ‘You know, even though everyone always gave me those looks, whispered about you, and that girls mother told me time and time again, I didn’t want to believe it. But its true all true you are nothing but a disappointment.’ her voice broke on the last word and her breath came short like she had been hit in the chest she gulped or swallowed hard on it, and then continued. ’and if you think your going anywhere girly you are sadly, so sadly mistaken. Now go turn your sinful self around take that clown’s paint off and put on some respectable clothes, even though it will not change the person wearing them. Meet me downstairs in 5 minutes you have an appointment. And I mean it, 5 minutes, not a minute after.’

“My mother turned around on her heels and walked out of my room I thought she was gone but I heard her say just before she was completely out of hearing range, ‘Never in all my years did I think I’d be the mother of a whore.”

Ashley starting crying all over again, in response to reliving that -what must be a very painful memory to her- and then got a hold on her self.

“There is so much more. Just wait-” she shuddered pretty hard and a new onslaught of tears corrupted her blue eyes. She sniffled but it wasn’t enough, her hand came up and swiped away at her nose drippings. At a time like this it wasn’t disgusting, far from it, I felt with her so completely so, my heart was breaking with hers, I swiped at my nose too. And I waited for her to continue.

“We went to the appointment, I needed to get a test, confirm my mothers accusations, and sure enough I was officially pregnant at 16. My mother sucked in a disgusted breath as the doctor read aloud my results, and then proceeded to cry like a lunatic. The doctor asked my mother to leave the room so she could speak to me privately about this and I was in shock I couldn’t even speak. Eyes wide tears silently falling from my bulging eyes and mouth slightly agape I just stared almost unseeing on at her as she tried repeatedly to ask me questions like; Am I ok? How do I feel about this? Was this a planned pregnancy? Was the baby’s father involved? How long have I been sexually active? Have I ever contracted and STD or STI? What did I plan on doing? Did I know and understand my opinions? Did I sleep around and if I did how often? Was I safe or did I feel safe at home? BLAH, BLAH, FUCKING BLAH. It was all Charlie brown speech to me then.

“I was in total shock. I was pregnant. There was a person, a real baby growing inside of me. I didn’t even know it. And now it felt like everyone did. What was I going to do? What was I going to do? What could I do? I felt like I was drowning, but not the kind where you just cant swim anymore, or the waves are constantly crashing into and on you, no not that kind at all. It was the kind where you were being forced down held under by someone’s forceful, cold hard, cruel hands and they were laughing the entire time while you slowly died. While they slowly and happily took your life from you.

“And then suddenly it was time to leave and I wasn’t even aware of it. And then just like that I was home. The next morning my mom came into my room and told me to shower and get dressed that I had another appointment. I was still so very much in shock and it was very early in the morning. I did it, I got dressed and then we were there. It was really weird, because the place had a gate that the cars had to pass through and there were lots of people standing outside of the gate yelling and holding signs and stuff but I paid them no attention I just could not even think. Once we were inside the gate, we got out and we walked to the door but we couldn’t get in we had to be buzzed in. The one and only thought my head could process at the moment was how this seemed to me a lot like a prison.

“And then we were inside, my mother told me to sit down and I did. There was a lot of people here and they all looked…weird, I don’t know. She went up to the clerk, spoke very quietly and came back with a couple clipboards and handed one to me and said ‘fill this out.’ I did and it was all about health and a lot like the questions the doctor droned on about. Again I paid absolutely no mind to it at all, I was still in shock. I was like a robot just doing whatever I was told to do not a word or question about it, ever. When I was done my mom took it and awhile later we were called back. We spoke to a nurse, I peed in a cup and there was talking but I just couldn’t find myself to focus on what they were saying. It was all one sound. Like a cluster of bumble bee’s on and on. Some lady behind a desk was faced towards me and her mouth was moving she kept looking at me intently, I think she was trying to get my attention or ask me something but I guess she noticed I just wasn’t ‘there.’ Next thing I knew she turned away and I went back to space and then once again the hand clapping the desk and the lady turned towards me mouth moving.

“This time I think I really tried to hear or understand what she was saying but I-I just couldn’t do it. I turned my head to the right and noticed my mother was gone, not even in the same room anymore. Huh. The strange lady kept talking on clapping the desk and then something happened, she got out of her seat and came to where I was seated. She pulled my chair out and away from facing the desk and positioned it to right in front of her, she reached out towards me and placed her warm hands on my shoulders firmly but it didn’t hurt. And she just kept talking I just couldn’t hear what she was saying. I tried I watched her mouth flap open and close, I watched her lips curl on the words she spoke, but didn’t hear a damn thing until-until…

Until she said… “-abortion. I need to know that this is what you want, that this is your choice. Before you go back there with that nurse, please honey say something.” I blinked my eyes harshly, it was like the world appeared and the volume was turned on full blast. I felt a POP! In my ears and my eyes began blinking more and more gaining ferocious speed. My brain sputtered and my mouth opened but no sound came out. She said abortion. She needed to know that this was what I wanted before I left with a nurse, somewhere back there, wherever that was.

“My mind turned, my eyes hurt, my mouth was burning dry, and finally I spoke “Can I make a phone call?” she said something like ‘yes of course, I’ll give you 10 minutes and then I’ll be back alright? Press 9 before you dial the number if it’s a local number ok?” and she left.

“I- for a few moments I just sat there staring at the big black office phone that sat there on the looming desk before me. I waited like a minute more and with a shaky hand reached out picked up the phone and dialed. It rang four times before it picked up, ‘Matt?’ I whispered out with a scared shaky voice I couldn’t trust myself to say anything else, he quickly answered back ‘Yeah…who’s this?’ ‘It’s me Ashley, um d-do you g-got a minute t-to talk?’ I asked stuttering over each of my shaky words, it was horrible I was speaking as if I were possessed but I knew it had to be done-well that driving piece inside me thought that anyways. ‘Yeah I’m good to talk. Why what’s up? Are you alright Ash? You are you at school I didn’t see you-’ I couldn’t contain it any longer it shot straight from my gut, spilling out of my dry numb lips it hissed ‘I’m pregnant Matt’ I heard his breath release sharply and then it was silent. All was silent on the other side for a good 3 minutes and then…

“I didn’t blink nor did I take a single breath I just sat there frozen at the mercy of the possible sounds from the telephone connection to the guy who helped get me here this day. ‘What the fuck did you just say?’ he huffed out and automatically I repeated myself as if a song playing on repeat on an mp3 player, ’I’m pregnant Matt’ and the same actions followed I didn’t move, blink, breath, but waited. ’You’ve got to be fucking kidding me! And your calling me because?’ he asked in incredible disbelief. ’I-It’s y-yours Matt-’ I didn’t even get to finish before he cut me off seething through the phone. ’Listen closely slut, just because I call you for the fuck I aint getting from Marissa, means not a fucking thing when it comes to whatever the fuck your saying here and now. What you need to be doing is calling the fucking principal asking to suck his dick for the school records so you can acquire each and every fucking dudes number that goes here! Make sure you call the next school district over too! Fuck you! You lose nasty bitch! The only thing you’d ever get from me is an STD! Go fuck your self you lying ass bitch! Don’t fucking call me again, cuz the only thing you’ll get from that is ’sorry the number you’ve reached is no longer in service or has been disconnected’ and with that he hung up the phone.

“I hadn’t even realized I was crying, it was so strong the tears they fell so hard down that they actually made a sound as they splashed down. The phone was still held in my hand but held in front of my face and not to my ear. I blinked away the disgust slightly just enough to hang up the phone and as soon as I had done so, the lady walked back into the room. ’You all set now honey?’ she asked softly as she peered into the room but not quite entering it, just hanging in through the door holding onto it for support as she peeked in to ask. I couldn’t bear to speak so I gave a harsh nod and she entered the room and closed the door softly and took her seat behind the desk. ’So honey, is this your decision to be here today? No one is forcing you to do something you yourself did not come to terms with of your own accord? Meaning your here today seeking this medical procedure because you’d like to have it done and not for someone else right? I looked on at her my eyes barely working I could barely see this lady.

“But I nodded anyways even though I still had no idea where I was, or what technically for. She looked hard at me after my nod I guess looking for a sign but seeming comfortable nodded herself in agreement. ‘Do you understand that you have options? And you’ve gone over each and every option and have come to the conclusion that this is truly what you want? Because this is not something you can go back on honey, once it’s done…it’s done forever. There’s absolutely no going back from there. It’s my job to make sure absolutely 100% that this is your unwavering, hard-set decision. She looked on at me waiting for my answers, and still I couldn’t speak, and even though I heard everything she said and asked of me, all I truly kept hearing was my mother saying my father couldn’t stand me, her saying she was the mother of a whore, and Matt’s disgustingly hateful words. I took a deep jagged intake of breath, swiped away at my tears and spoke ‘yes.’ she extended her hand out and patted mine with hers lingering just a second more before she said alright and went in search of a few sheets of paper.

“She told me to sign, I did. And she called through her phone to someone who appeared at the door a few seconds later with some paper work and told me to follow her. I got and did just that. I never felt my feet as I walked on, I felt as if I were standing still and everything was passing by me, but on it went until we came to a back room where she used a card she had to swipe to get into. Once there she handed me a basket and told me to take it into the bathroom and get changed, everything but my socks. I did just that and when I was done she led me into a room where I was told to lay down on a table like all the doctors offices have and I did. I look around a little and didn’t notice anything different really except for this flat screen attached to this other huge machine. Next thing I know a lady come in and asks my to lay this paper sheet over me, and lift my gown up to my stomach. She squirts this cold jelly on it, and lifts up something from that big machine with the flat screen attached to it-it kinda looked like a price scanner from a grocery store- and she presses it to my belly rolling it all around in the cold goo.

“Ah, there it is. Looks about 9 weeks old and it wont stay still so I can get a good read.’ the lady said and suddenly I heard ‘9 weeks?’ and the lady who had that thing to my stomach said ‘Yup looks like it.’ and then I looked over at the machine and in black and white I saw this wiggly round thing jumping all around. What the hell was that? I thought to myself, and just then the lady saw me looking and turned the screen away, and took the thing she poked me with off and wiped me clean. ‘All set’ I sat up and the other nurse whom I only noticed when she asked ‘9 weeks’ told me to come with her and she brought me to a room where she took my blood again, and told me to put two white pills on the insides of my cheeks. She said don’t bit or chew them just let them rest on the insides of your cheeks. I did and then she brought me into another room where about six other girls were. I gulped confused, some of the numbness starting to ebb around the edges and then returned as if nothing had ever happen and I took my seat.

“The girls in this room looked terrified, sick, pale, and disgusted. And really, really young. I sat there with my head down and some time latter-I don’t know how long-my name was called. I got and followed. I was led into a dimly lit room and asked to lay down on a table, just before I got there, a female doctor extended her hand stopping me and introduced her self, I shook her hand numbly and finished my task. From there an IV line was placed in my arm and then other things sticky things were attached to my chest and arms. And soon I felt funny. A nurse appeared by my side and said ‘Your gonna go down now, it’ll be quick ok.’ and I was wicked confused suddenly because I thought I was already down. And then everything melted away. And it all went black.

“The next thing I knew, I woke up in a new room not the one I just thought I was. And again I was surrounded by girls and we were all in weird reclining dark blue chairs. Some of them I noticed from the other room and the rest not a clue. It was a while later and I was given gram crackers and ginger ale. My IV was removed and I was told to try and stand up and go to the bathroom and change back into my clothes I wore here. I went to stand up and nearly lost it. It was a miracle the nurse was right by my side because she caught me before I dove towards the floor, and she sat me back down.

“Later when I was better and all dressed I was placed in another room with another nurse and doctor. She introduced herself as Nancy and she asked me ‘What birth control do you plan on using?’ still a little groggy I answered ‘I honestly have no idea. Um, the strongest one?’ she laughed and said they are all the same amount of strength, and proceeded to show me many samples finally we settled on the Depo shot, and I’d get it every 3 months. She also handed me tons and tons of condoms she even went in search of all the flavored ones the place had and handed me all of those too. ‘Oh honey don’t you worry we get another new shipment in another hour or so. Take em’ have em’ use em well’ and I wont be seeing you back here for another abortion alright? Take care now honey, head out this door right here and take a left and it’s the first door on the right. Go through there hand them this slip, sign out and your all set to leave. Really. Take care now ok?’ and that was it I mechanically stood nodded after each and every word/statement she said and sounded off and went about my way doing each and everything she said to do and then just I turned around from signing the leaving sheet, my mother caught up to me. ‘Are you al set now? It’s good and out of ya right?’ I stood sickened at my monster of a mother as everything slowly but with a pounding driving force settled in on me telling me what had just happened. What I just did.”

As soon as she stopped speaking and my hospital room came back into focus and her horror story’s echo died off my eyes found her face, and to say I was absolutely horrified was the worlds worst understatement.

Her face was completely void of all color, and she wasn’t even looking at me. She wasn’t close to me either but edged all the way to the end of my bed one leg still in the cris cross position and the other resting on the floor. She stared off at the wall or window and her eyes were not seeing, not of anything that was here and now. No she was off far away to what was most definitely the worst day of her life.

I was speechless, my heart was even more broken then before she arrived, and all I kept thinking was how bad I felt for her just in this moment. A moment I will never forget the rest of my life. I had no idea, and how could I have? My heart ached for her and what she went through each and every part of it. We were so much alike just now, and closer based on our lives then I ever would have thought possible. I never thought I’d know this girl before me not ever in my wildest dreams. I thought I knew the skanky bitch everyone at school knew as Ashley, my sometimes but mostly never friend. I never thought she wasn’t even close to that person everyone thought she was, never knew this girl existed. This girl that needed somebody, anybody more then she needed air just now, and she just didn’t have that.

The worst part of all was she had a whole ‘home’ a father and a mother who are still married. Who actually loved each other and cared for her, well up until this point I guess, or maybe not truly ever… in the face of all that has happened she needed someone anyone to care for her, to love her, show her a kindness that no one in her life possessed and she was just left and tossed aside, both mentally and physically. My life sucked worse then anything I could imagine but I expected that after all this time, knew it was inevitable. But she… didn’t even have a clue. She was Ashley the head cheerleader, the dancer the sexy popular girl who all the other girls looked up to, almost prized student-due to her coping me-and could have any guy she wanted. She had the family every kid wants, the parents, the clothes, the cars, the freedom, the money. But the love?

Ashley wasn’t even close to the girl I thought I knew she was, couldn’t touch her. This girl sitting in front of me was a new Ashley an Ashley that no matter what, I decided that I would help her, befriend her, care for her, and love her no matter what. Because this girl needed all of those things more than myself just now. And I was really down and out. But I had wanted my baby and even in my situation I had found a way to keep my baby. I got help from people and the state. But Ashley… she was forced to kill her baby. She wasn’t even well enough to make that decision, she didn’t even know where she was or what she was doing. No one even talked to her about it, her mother and father made that decision for her and didn’t even tell her. She got no support from the people she needed it most from. And in a last stitch effort for someone to care, someone to help and understand her she called Matt, and look where that got her.

Looking at her again she was so much like me, almost the exact same position, only her baby wasn’t taken by some strangers her baby wasn’t here anymore. And she really, really regretted it. She wanted her baby. And I’m most positive with time she would have gotten her shit together and gotten over her horrendous shock, but like I and she said she wasn’t even given the chance.

Impressum

Texte: 2011 Samantha thomas (c)
Tag der Veröffentlichung: 07.01.2011

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Widmung:
To all the young girls out there, who are or have known a teen mom. You are not alone. It does get better.