CHAPTER 1. WHAT IF ANGELS COULD DIE?


What if angels could die, would we suffer loss? Were would they go when they die?
Would they get heaven? Would god deny them? Would the same rules apply? Why do guardian angels guard us, sit on our shoulders? With all there glory are we worthy? Gods children gods first. Gods obedient gods perfect. Humans are flawed extremely flawed. we sin we kill we sicken we die. We are weak. We follow we steal we lie. We create we make life we make our own. We have heaven and hell fighting for our souls. The grandest landlords so to speak. Who will collect the winning lottery ticket? What makes us worthy of any of it?




Just the many questions I bombard myself with whenever I have too much time on my hands. I have to stop thinking like this. I'll drive myself mad. Oh well what the hell maybe I’ll call tiffany. I roll over to the other side of my bed and reach for my cell phone. I have an HTC hero. gay. Well actually it's a really cool phone I have awesome app's like a barcode scanner and metal detector. For whatever one might need those things for, I’m not entirely sure. Went in my contacts found tiff and dialed. (Ringing)One... two... three... well guess she's not going to answer. "Hey! you reached Tiff cant come to the phone right now, I’m chasing my short bus because I left my helmet on it, leave a message!" Wow Tiff. Wow. Cant say its not you, typical Tiffany, my best friend. Gesh girl, 22 years old, same age as me and still a damn goof! I wouldn’t have it any other way. her and I, we're a special breed. " Hey speal, its me Sam. Umm... just calling to see what your up to. I dunno call me back or something k? Bye."



Well, ok I guess I’ll just get ready for work early, I only have to be there in an hour and a half, that's not too bad. What can I say I’m virtually a loser. I sit up and get off my bed, and walk to the bathroom. Whew (whistle sound) I look icky! Ah hell who am I kidding I look like shit! Ha. My dark brown hair is all askew. last night's mascara is all smudged around my eyes, all though it made pretty cool effect like the perfect smoky eye by accident! Ok that stays. But I really need some lotion, some cover up, and my hair has to be straightened. There’s just no time to take a shower and start the process for curls, not if I wanna show up super early like I planned. Besides I just don't feel like it. So I bounce back into my room to put some music on.

I chose the white lie's because I love the song "to lose my life" its my favorite right now. All the songs on my mix cd are my favorite. I made the CD myself, I prefer it that way, that way I’m never unsatisfied. Then I danced my way back to the bathroom. I washed my face, but not around my eyes to preserve the accidental awesomeness that it was. Combed my hair, then straightened. Applied lotion, some Almay and boom.. Done!
Went to my closet, which wasn't too big but thankfully not small either, and picked out an outfit. The walls matched the color of my bedroom a gorgeous turquoise. I first saw the color when I was 10, in the gulf of Mexico with my grandparents. It was the color of the water their, and it took my breath away. And so hints the room color. Its accented in a shimmering gold around the border (sand) and I love it. The song changes to the band The Moxy another favorite of mine, the song "step down" wafted into the closet. I walked out, and into my room and got dressed. Grabbed my keys off my dresser and walked down stairs. Went to my fridge grabbed a bottle of cold as ice water, a banana and walked out the door.



Outside was beautiful. The sun was a shinning, the air smelled of flowers, sunshine, and someone near by cooking on their grill. Yummy! I continued down the drive and opened my car and got in. My car is the best. it's a 2000 green Saab, with the 2.3 turbo. Its got black leather seats, that heat and cool. I know awesome right? Its not all shnazzy. Its practically forgettable in its appearance, but it's the car for me. On the right side in the front it has a little accident damage, (from the previous owners) and some about to be rust bubbling up. Don't bother me none, adds character. Started my baby up, and got the shit scared out of me. I had forgotten my radio had been on full blast before I turned off the car, and "Barracuda, by Heart" deafened me. I laughed it off and turned it down, but not off. Great song it was, lots of ummmpf! I liked ummmpf. I drove to work.

Another boring day at grub way, a.k.a. subway. Everyday rain or shine, snow or the apocalypse, I work here from 2pm until 10pm. Everyday. I got the cheapest boss ever, I get no employee discount at all what so ever. I barely get my break. I swear every time its time for me to take it, he calls everyone he knows. We get swamped and I get no break. He even counts the squirts of condiments we use, how insane is that? "No, no, no! You do it wrong. Too many!" In his Indian accent he says. Its actually kinda cute his accent, too bad it comes from him. Eww. He's balding, he's the same height as me, 5"8. And he's got some extra weight on his meat suit. I shudder icky-ly. With work now out of the way I make my way back to my green beauty. I start my darling and she purrs to life. “Ahh!” so grateful to inhale the scent of new car smell, rather then grub way.

Utterly refreshing. I pull out of the lot onto the Main street. Ironically its called Main St. go figure? Boogieing down the road to the haunting tunes of H.I.M. I stop at the 7TH red-light. I swear this street runs on forever. -" crawl down dead lover's lane, the maze of memory's stain, and suck the blood right out of my heart..." I sing aloud. Tapping the steering wheel to the beat, when the light changes green. My foot a ready on the gas gives in, and off I go. Out of the corner of my left eye I saw light. Two lights. Headlights coming right at me. I turn towards them and I scream a blood curdling scream, right as the approaching car hits home. Then blackness.


CHAPTER 2. NOT NOTHINGNESS.


"Hello? miss... miss... wake up!" nothingness..... "Oh god!" nothingness.... "She's bleeding badly, where's the ambulance?" faintly I hear them. the talking. Its so dark. nothingness...... what is this? nothingness....... I’m scared!
I cant move. I cant see. I don’t even know if what I heard was real. I cant stay coherent. nothingness.....


Funny dream....

I’m back in high school, of all places.... in the hallway at my locker reaching for my Motorolla phone. Ohmygod! I remember this!..... this is when i got a text from Scott....... sure enough..... bringgggg!........... I see my self open my phone and there it is...

FROM Scott: 401-632-5555
TO: 401-455-1892

hey meet me @ prov plc mall garage @ 7
waterfire's @ 8 n i want us to get dinner 1st
txt me when ur here. -s.



Oh my god! Scott, Scott Jeffrey! I worshiped the ground he walked on. This... this was a life altering moment for me. I had been wanting his fine ass since freshman year. We're seniors now, shit better late then never right? Oh my god love, love that boy. I jumped up and down and squealed like pig. I glowed like those summer bugs you catch when your a kid, the fly’s that light up. Oh man this was great.........

-Funny why would I be dreaming this?..........

Scott and I are downtown Providence now, sitting on the stone steps of Water Place Park. In front of us the water glows with the dancing flames of the fires. gondoliers, and motorboats float through the fire pyres, filled with eager tourists, young and old couples, and just friends having a great time.

Scott's sitting so close our thighs are touching. I’m wearing my grey dress with a colorful random pattern on it that I got from Old Navy. My hair was longer then, hanging down my back in gorgeous loose wave's. A loose strand flutters in the wind, and Scott reaches up and puts it back in its place. His hand gently touches my face on his way of placing the unruly strand back, and I shudder from his touch. A gesture so small sent me reeling, my heart an eager helicopter ready for flight. Scott, turned to me now, has the most delicious blue eyes ever!

The color of the waters in Jamaica. I’d swim in them any day, sharks, Paraná’s, didn’t matter. He's got the must luscious hair, black and curling, about 3 inches long. Scotts tall 6"3 with abb's I could wash my clothes on. He's not all tan like the other boys his skin was naturally glowing. Olive complected, Scott was Italian. He had sexy strawberry colored lips, full and ripe for the picking. Mmm. It took effort the size of a Mac truck not to attack his ass right here and now. Oh my god those eyes.... I could fall right into them..... and never be heard from again.... oh well.... boy gave me goose bumps. Mmm. "I love your hair, its so beautiful." Scott said seductively.

OH MY GOD! I just died... no really I can recall my heart stopped beating, the paramedics came and everything... ok maybe not but I did die, figuratively speaking of course. "Don’t touch her! She could have a spinal injury!" "What did you just say?" I asked Scott. " I said I love your hair, its so beautiful." He replied " No, did you say something else?" "Not that I’m aware of?" Scott said. "Over here! She's still trapped in the car, she was the driver." "What?" I shouted, I had to over the mysterious yelling.

What the hell is going on? I don’t remember this happening, this was never said. "AAHHH!" I screamed as I heard the most horrific sounds. Metal being shredded, ripped open. Saws sawing at deafening velocity. The screeching continued for quite some time, and then it was quite. Scott sat on the side of me waiting for my response to his compliment. "Thank you" I replied. Scott smiled at me and put his arm around my shoulders very gently. I leaned into his warm embrace. Scott leaned in for the kiss I new, would shake my world, because I had been there done that. (because this was a dream of what had already happened)and then Scotts soft welcoming lips melted onto mine, with such delicacy, it made my skin break out in a new batch of goose bumps.

I shivered from the intense feelings growing within my very core, they shook and writhed ready to expose me. Scott took that as I was cold, and promptly took of his sweater for me to wear. With my head down, I mumbles my shy "thanks" and as he went to place it over my shoulders and back, I felt like I was being shaken by someone. My head instantly snapped up looking for the reason. Scott sat there the same as ever, no change at all, only Scotts hands never came back down like they were supposed to.

It was as if he were frozen in place. I stared back at him with confusion setting in. I glanced around down at Waterfire and everything was as Scott now was... frozen. This never happened what is going on?... I’m starting to panic now "Scott!" I yelled, "Scott, Scott, SCOTT ANSWER ME!" "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?" and then the picture of this setting started melting just like taking a lighter to a photograph. within seconds Scott was gone. Everything was gone.


...... nothingness... "I’m starting compressions.... one....two....three....four....five ppppffffffffff one....two....three....four....five ppppfffffffff " nothingness..... beep... beep...beep

What’s that? What’s that beeping? why am I beeping? Its so quiet, save for the beeping.. What is this? Everything is so dark where am I? I take in a deliberate breath to steady myself. It smells sterile, clean too clean. like bleach. Yuck. What is going on? Oh my eyes, their closed, huh? The only place I can recall smelling this way is a hospital, but... I’m not at a hospital, why the hell would I be at a hospital? Now being worked up, my body jerked in reaction, and wished to hell that it hadn’t.

Agony! Oh my god! beep..beep..beep..beepbeepbeepbeepbeep... What the hell? Whats happening to me? Help! Someone anyone! Help please it hurts! Please Please! ..beepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeep... Cant anyone hear me? "HELP! JESUS HELP ME ANYYYONEEE!" I screamed with all my might. My eyes opened with my terror. White all white. Blinding, white outside, and white within. White hot agony, I wish I was dead. I wish I was dead so bad. I wish I had never been born. I would do anything ANYTHING! please... someone put me out of my misery!

"DO IT! DO IT ! KILLLL ME PLEASE!" Then I saw some yellow within my white hell. Not welcome, but different none the least. The yellow floated closer, until it began to take shape. The shape became more pronounced, more solid. It was a someone, a yellow someone, to put me out of my misery, like the dog at the pound no one wants. Hopefully, if god ever loved me he would give me this. My yellow savior was a yellow man, odd... he doesn’t look like thought he would.

Yellow man has on jeans with holes in the knee's. He has on a white ACDC shirt, and more odd.. he's covered in blood. Yellow reaches over and puts his fingers to my for-head and the white is gone. All gone. No more pain no more white hell. Yellow man is still yellow though, my agony just vanished. I must be dead this is to sweet. "Thank you" I tried to mouth but everything was oddly slow. Slow and then still. then I saw the most beautiful thing... a blue light shown down on me then... must be heaven. Don’t need to tell me twice. I smiled big and loving, I feet incredible I have no words...I closed my eyes. I’m ready.

Nothing. I waited, still nothing. So I peaked. The blue still washed over me with the warmest veil, like Gods silk ,warmed by the sun in a private meadow, filled with wild flowers.

But I stayed were I was. But yellow man, began moving, only he.. was going up. what the hell? then the yellow intensified, growing, and growing. The blue following suit, then yellow collided with the blue and green smoldered through out the air. Then there was a tremendous flash like from a digital camera the size of New York and if lightening went off in every city of every state at the same time, together. That massive. then I was out, yet again.


When I awoke, the first thing a saw was the massive metal cage, I was enclosed in. the cage held my legs in huge heavy white casts.
My legs where in the air, strung by metal cables. After the shock that was my legs, I risked another fruitful look around. I was in a hospital bed, with tubing and wires, to and from every direction. Some pumping liquid in, and some sucking it out. There was machines beeping and blurting, doing my body’s work for me. I was in tremendous pain, and then the beeping and blurting sped. Well I guess that car last night really wrecked me, at least I’m alive, somewhat.. poor green baby... a dinging sounded off then, DING..DING...DING... and with it a nurse appeared. she saw I was awake and left the room instantly. Ok? DING..DING...DING... I took a look around my room this time, the usual, white walls, crappy floral wall paper border, a chair with a man in it, a TV, and a window. yup pretty standard. A CHAIR WITH A MAN IN IT?

The man was asleep in the hospital chair, and I just stared at him, with dumbfounded shock. Who the hell a-r-e you?? just then the nurse appeared again, and this time brought friends and big needles. The friends wore white jackets so I’m assuming they're doctors. And nurse, took the big needles and said " Don’t’ worry honey, this will take care of the pain. Ok?" as she stuck the needles into the iv attached to my hand. " Hello Samantha, I’m Dr. Richardson. I’m glad to see your awake. Do you remember what happened?"

As I was trying to answer his questions my throat began throbbing, with a burning rawness. I choked, and coughed. I just realized I hadn’t used my voice at all, so I didn’t understand why that was. Was it from last night? When I screamed right before the car struck?
Still I tried answering, then promptly gave up and tried for a nod, shouldn’t have done that. I cried out in pain and that hurt too. "I’m sorry Samantha, you were intubated, and when your breathing stabilized we removed the tube, that's why your experiencing the discomfort in your throat. My colleague here, Dr. Sitkotra will explain just exactly what, happened to you, and the extent of your injury’s, alright?"

I mouthed "Car accident " and a small sound came out with it, to help clarify my words. Dr Sitkotra said "Thats right, you were in a car accident. A quite horrific one at that. It was touch and go for awhile, your lucky to be alive." I already knew that. what I wanted, was an answer to a more pressing situation. Who the hell was stranger guy setting up shop in my hospital chair? so I gave that a go, see if Dr. has an answer for that.

" Who’s that? " I mouthed and rolled my eyes over to were the U.S.H. sat. (Unidentified. Sitting. Hotty) Dr. Richardson didn’t answer nor did Dr. Sitkotra. " Honey, he came with you, stayed the whole week. never left the hospital. He's the man who hit you."

My mouthed words, and thoughts, failed me then. my mouth morphed into a wide shocked O and stayed.

When my minds wheels began spinning again, a new thought emerged. it must have made home on my face because, the nurse had an answer for that too. "Not really sure, but my guess is...guilt. Girly you sure have one heck of a guardian angel sitting on your shoulders. That young man over there as well, he walked away with not one scratch on him. I still cant believe it, maybe that’s why he stays?..... Any ways you need your rest! can I get you anything sweetie? The morphine should kick in very soon." she reached under my bed and came back with a wire with a button on it and said " Well, if you need anything, anything at all, you just press this button ok?" she placed it by my right hand and walked out of the room. Dr. Richardson's beeper went off. He mumbled his good bye's in his rush, and he too left the room.

That left Dr. Sitkotra, beside's the strange man and myself. Dr Sitkotra began droning on, and on, about my injury's. He spoke clearly and efficiently but I didn’t hear a thing. I was devoured, in the revelation of this guy in my chair. While dr. chatted on, I wearily stole a glance over to the left where the man who hit me sat. I still wore the look of dumbfounded shock, but now their was an under current of amazement there as well. He had dark brown hair like myself, but his held lighter highlights, almost blond. It was nice to look at. He had lightly tanned skin, and his build was average, thin but not skinny. He wore ugly vomit green scrubs, I guess i no why with all the time he spent here. How odd he would do this. Why would he do this? He has no idea who I am, nor I to him.



He was very pleasant to look at, but I guess I already made that observation earlier in my U.S.H. statement. His shoes I noticed, had spots of blood on them, and that took me back to the present. Dr. Sitkotra was no longer in my room, guess he left while I day dreamed. good. I didn’t care what my injury’s were, I just wanted to sleep. I felt very warm and fuzzy all of a sudden. and very, very drowsy. I didn’t want to fight it any longer, so I slept.


CHAPTER 3. " OH!, YOUR AWAKE!...."


"Hmm" I moan, as awoke. At first, -when I opened my eyes- all seemed the same. But my eyes were a little blurry, still full of sleep from the sandman. Or the morphine, which ever. Then, when I remembered were I was, I promptly remembered who was here with me. " Oh!, your awake!" he said. I squeaked out a gasp. I snuck a scared peak over to the left, and sure enough, their he sat wide awake. Staring straight at me. " Hello." he spoke again. (beep..beep..beep..) There's goes the damn monitor again. His voice rang with soft demeanor, manly yet, sensitive, almost like music. It was beautiful. His dark eyes screamed volumes, they spoke of trust, of honesty, and still you could see they held secrets. They were the color of melted chocolate, milky chocolate.



His lips were a soft pink. light and fluffy rose petal pink. And I had to stop myself then, my eyes were taking over. Pull your self together woman! Snap out of it! "Umm,.. hello. I-I’m not really?..." sure what to say to you, I finished inside my cowardice brain.
" I’m sure you, have no idea who I am. Please don’t be afraid, Will you except my explanation?" he said. His face wore a look of weary determination, he seemed nice enough. Those eyes pleading to me, boring into me searching for understanding. Well, when u put it that way.... no. Just kidding. " Yes" I managed. He exhaled, with relief if only a little. I realized I had too.

It was like he was up chucking the words "Well you see, I was on my way to work, and I had just gotten a large hot coffee, which I might add is very VERY hot and, because I work third shift, I’m mean I’ve tried and I just cant find any other way of staying awake well any ways I was coming down the street and I saw the light changing to yellow, and I thought if I move a little quicker I could make it and then my phone started ringing, and I went to reach over with my left hand and plowed it into my right hand that was holding the very flame like coffee, and the next thing I know I’m covered in lava, and....." "HOLY SHIT BREATHE MAN!" I choke out with a screech.

"Ok Ok, I get it! Accidental, car accident. Got it." I said. He looked very ashamed. He put his head down and fiddled with his hands wringing them in and out. Around and around. Then he jumped up like a jack in the box and said " Maybe I should go, I’m not welcome, I see that. I’m very, very sorry, truly, I am." and started to head for the door. "Wait!" I called after him. He stopped but didn’t turn around. So I continued, " I’m alive,.. and.." I faltered then. What the hell was I supposed to say? Why should it matter? But I knew why it did, he stayed but not only that, I felt… close to him, that this was all for a reason. It was all very enigmatic and unusual but still… When he hit me he could have left then, (he was fine. fit as a fiddle.) and welcome warrant’s and possible felony charges with a hit and run., but he could have.

Or he could have just left when they declared him in perfect health. A miracle he didn’t have to do this. But... he did. When I faltered on the "And..." he turned slightly towards me and there was this.. look in his eyes... I tried to place it... but I came up with nada. " Please.... I’m mean....you don’t have to...go" I finally finished in small voice. "Are you sure? you don’t have to do this, feel like you owe me. You owe me nothing." he stated. I noticed how he spoke, and he sounded funny to me, not in an accented way, just in an old timely way.

I said " Yes " once more and he gave a slight nod, and seated himself back into the chair. He sat in that chair for quite some time, as we talked about different sorts of things. For example; I found out his name is Caspian, I thought it was a little weird, so I told him I’m going to call him Cas. Cas was new around here and I thought maybe that explained his oddness. I found him very interesting, and welcome strangely. We talked for hours and hours, until finally I fell asleep. This continued on for weeks, as I awaited my full and speedy recovery, -although not so much the speedy, unfortunately- but not unfortunate in the fact that I found a new friend in an unlikely situation. I now considered him a treasured companion. He was shy sometimes, and unsure. then bold, and forward other times. Like I said odd.

one night we were up late watching re-runs of that 70's show. eating a variety of snack's I smuggled from each meal, and some he got from the cafeteria. When he opened up a Swiss roll, pooped into his pie-hole and moaned. " Oh man!,.. this.. this is good! " he said over each savored chew. Who hasn’t had a Swiss roll? " Yeah you think? you should try this bad boy right here! This here, fella’ will knock you on your ass! " I replied playfully. I held in my hand an Oreo brownie with crumbled Oreo filling atop softened chocolate fudge, oh god! he lay next to me on my bed, just like most nights since they removed my cage.

My legs laid free now, atop the bed. normally. I had stuffed a good size chunk in my mouth. he looked my way and laughed. I smiled back big waiting to hear the punch line. His hand reached up and touched the corner of my mouth. With his fingers cupping the left side of my face, his thumb rubbed across my top lip, down, down around to my bottom lip. So gentle so soft his hands. His look softened at me and he said "It seems, you have some resistant fudge. Guess it wanted to enjoy your pretty lips awhile longer," "Shut up. " I murmured softly and it was back to that 70's show.

Our unusual friendship, lasted day in and day out. When I left for physical therapy, he'd stay around, or grab a bite to eat, but never left not while I was awake anyways. Hmmm, but each and everyday he had on fresh clothes, but the same old shoes with the blood stains on them. I think I will ask about that, what kinda weirdo.. "Ahem," he cleared his throat nervously, then continued. "Umm, I’m not sure how to go about this?..." his whole atmosphere changed. No longer was it bright, and sunny, but now held clouds it seemed. I already noticed his nervous demeanor, but now there was fear in his eyes as well. That set me on edge. Now I became the bag of nerve’s he seemed to be. He paced back and forth in front of my bed. Back and forth... back and forth... head down, hands tight. " What’s going on?, You can tell me Cas... you know that right?" I said, unsure of what his reply might be.

" I... I’m... I have to go." he said. I snorted trying to make light of this uncomfortable situation. "Well sure, I would too, so I could ditch those shoes. Knew you weren’t that much of a weirdo." I said with a laugh.
"No, Sam.." he was still pacing away. "No the shoe's? Or..? I’m confused,.." I said, even though it seemed to be more than that. I felt a nagging sense of fear creeping, slowly. He stopped pacing, stood right in front of my hospital bed and stared right into my eyes, and said in a small voice "No, Sam. It's not the shoe's. I have to leave and I wont be coming back, not ever. Do you understand? You‘ll never see me again."

Then Cas's face hardened. His soft look's now severe. I was right to be weary, to be unsure. the fear no longer crept, it seeped into my skin, and slithered into my bones. I felt it suffocating my marrow. "why?" I half cried, that’s all I could do. He just kept staring. those molten eyes boring into mine. "Why? Why cant you stay? Is it cause you spend every day here with me? Cause I swear I’m sorry, you don’t have too! You can go any time you'd like. I’ll try not to be so greedy anymore I didn’t know that I was, it's just... I didn’t expect to be you're friend, hell I didn’t even expect to know you! But I do and I’m really, really glad. Cas you make me happy. Please what did I do?..."

I didn’t understand my strong emotions. They felt alien to my core. I was shaking, breathing erratically, what was this? Cas is a friend. sure a very new friend, but a friend, never the less. It didn’t make sense to feel so strongly for a friend.... But it felt so much more than that too, like I was losing myself, like some big part of me was leaving, being ripped away… and then I knew, to me Cas was not just a friend. I was, undoubtedly in love with Cas, but it was so so much more complex than that, and he was leaving me.

Then that look came back on his face. The one from the first time we spoke, the one I could not place. Well I could place it now. Regret, sorrow filled regret.
Cas regretted me. That hurt more than I ever thought possible. More then my accident, more then him leaving. My breath shallowed, and my lips puckered and quivered. No, no! I will not cry, not in front of him, I’m not gonna give him the satisfaction. "I am sorry, I am, but this never should have been. I have been beyond foolish." Cas spoke like a robot, sounding off the typed in words.

I cant believe this. My eyes began burning, and my vision became watery, but I tried holding my ground. I did. It makes sense, I guess. He hoped I had just let him leave, walk out that door. But I didn’t it was like I had talked him into staying. Damn it! He seemed, honest, sincere. How the hell could I have been so wrong? I thought we were friends, that we were so close, that we had something? I told him things.. "I TOLD YOU THINGS!... that I never would have said to another living soul! I TRUSTED YOU!" I yelled. I never trusted anyone, not besides my grandmother and my best friend Tiffany. I was crying now. My traitorous tears leaking down my face in their disgusting glory.

There he stood still staring at me, still as stone cold as ice. Cas took in a small breath, his left hand twitched upward. His brow slightly peaked, and his mouth moved like he was just about to speak, "Goo-" and then he thought better of it. He turned and walked out of my room. ‘Goodbye,’ I’m assuming, is what he would’ve said.


Angels and death 2010 © Samantha Thomas.

CHAPTER 4. YOUR GUARDIAN ANGEL, BETWEEN A ROCK AND HARD PLACE.


CASPIAN.

I held my breath. I thought if only I held it within, surely I wouldn't fall apart. When I reached the end of her doorway, I slid around the corner, and shoved my back to the hallway wall. What have I done? What-have-I-done? Poor, beloved Sam. I should never had allowed this. I should have just followed the rules. Why was I such a dysfunctional? Why was I not more like my brothers and sisters? HE will not be pleased, about my treachery. HE knows all.

My heart felt very strange. It beat at impeccable speed. My blood pumped furiously through my unworthy veins. THUMPTHUMPTHUMP the ever present reminder of the shell I inhabit.

I need to go, get away. Far far away. They will be coming to see if the job is done. They know I will be with her. I need to leave now. They were " lenient " enough, for my kind. They gave me time to get over my " ignorant immaturity " as they call it. This is knew for me. These feelings coursing through my brain, sparking with electricity, are most foreign.

I long to go back. To go back into your room, and take away my hurtful words. To take away the pain I caused you, from my words, from the accident. You did. You trusted me, much to my inner turmoil.

I couldn't do it. I could not. But I should have let you die. It was my job. My soul purpose. You were supposed to die in that car crash. That was your destiny. But I couldn't allow it. Could not even bear the thought. My instructions were simple, intricately lain. Not one finger was to be laid upon its woven web. Just watch, listen, learn.

I remember the day she was born. Her mother's second born. Her mother's labor lasted a gruff 36 hours. And when it was time, out Samantha came, like a whale riding a wave. Human birth was truly a miracle. She was a chubby little thing. Chunky in a cherubic way was her beautiful face. From the exact moment of conception Samantha did things her own way.

After the birth she wore a look of shear victory. Her mother noticed as well, which then paved the way for her middle name. Victoria. It suited her well. She was mine Samantha was.

She most absolutely told me things no other soul knew. But I already knew them. She most absolutely trusted me. I already knew that as well. But she had know idea.
Sam had an older brother. His name was Jamie-lee. When he was 29 he died of a heroin overdose. Samantha was 18. She missed him with all she was. Samantha's mother became an alcoholic, sometime after she was 1 year old. And never changed, even to the present. Samantha was in and out of foster care for many years. While at one family, for which she stayed with for three years, she was molested. Every night. For three whole years. She never told a soul. I knew, though, she hadn't told me. I had to let happen. It was meant to be. But so help me, I tried to stop it.

That started the first of my question's. My faith's golden shield had a crack.

" oh god! Their coming." I closed my eyes and willed myself away.

With my eyes held tightly closed, I heard the sounds of the sea shore. I smelled the savory salt of the ocean blue. But that's not how I knew where I was. I knew because I willed me here. My will, will be done. Mostly.

I opened my eyes, looked long and hard around. No follower's. well I'll be...
They will not find me here. Not before I move on to the next place. I bought Sam time as well, and with me out of the way, much more. How could this have happened? What have I done? What kind of guardian angel am I?

I am not. No longer am I hers. (CRACK) my legs buckled beneath me. I fell to me knees.
I was frozen in place, with pain so beyond human life, I had no words. My wings, hidden from humans, now bore a significant fracture. My consequence for disobeying my family. My heart lost a piece of itself, fallen for good it was. for leaving my charge behind. Samantha was more than a mere charge.

If something were to happen to her, to my Samantha... I.. I would finish my fathers job for him. I would gladly except damnation for all eternity. For my life would be meaningless.


CHAPTER 5. THE HEALER. ©

SAMANTHA.


There I sat, on my hospital bed shocked. What just happened. I stared at my doorway like it would give me the answers I so desperately needed. -Why would cas do this? Why did he leave?- It didn't. but there I sat staring at the empty doorway. I felt hallow. I couldn't really explain the feeling. Just...... hallow.

I wasn't really sure what, the exact cause was. I wasn't breathing erratically. My heart beat at a steady thump. I was completely motionless. I didn't even notice the nurse who had come into my room until she asked " honey what's the matter? Why are you crying?" funny I wasn't even aware that I was.

I had no answer for her, so silent I stayed. When my eyes finally found her, she stood to my right with a worrisome expression littered on her face. Her dark blue eyes crinkled like an accordion at the corners. Her head cocked at a concerned angle questioning.
Her hair, a frizzy brown and graying, was a combed out curls mess. And her whinnie the pooh scrubs were a little to big on her petite frame.

I stared stupidly at her. But I wasn't using my eyes anymore. I saw nothing.
She finished her nursely duties asked one more question I never heard then left.
I don't remember how long I sat like that. I don't remember ever moving at all unless it was to the bathroom.

I never watched the tv again. I never spoke to the nurses. I sat there barren. I nibbled at my food never truly tasting it. I only knew I ate enough to get by. I wouldn't think about anything really and I wasn't complaining. There was just me, what was left. my body here on this hospital bed. The flavorless food placed in front of me three times a day. And the Charlie brown speech from passers by. (whomp whomp whomp)

Nothing else.

There was something missing, gone....

Something was missing within me.


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The days passed by. The days turned to weeks. The weeks passed by. The weeks turned into months. Three months passed, and then it was time for me to go home. " hello Samantha, the day has finally arrived. Are you excited to go home?" dr. Sitkotra said all too chipper. Completely unnecessary I thought.

I gave a curt nod, nothing else. Still he held tight to his phony antics. Bye bye misrability! he mentally waves to me. Glad to be rid of the girl with issues, he seems. As I was wheeled out the main lobby into the chilly autumn air, tiffany pulled up to the curb.
She was here to pick me up and bring me home. she was going to stay with me, for a few days. Until I could maneuver more effectively on my own.

"Hey girl! You ready?" tiff said. I gave her more of a nod then dr. sitkotra got. I was helped into the front seat of her silver Chevy Malibu, and then she climbed in her self started the car to life and floored it like sponge bob square pants.

I flew back against her cloth covered seats, and the car screeched around the corner on two wheels it seemed. Tiff pressed number 2 on her cd player in the dash, and disturbed screamed through her car's speakers. Deafening it was, but welcome. thank god for tiffany and her musical choice, because with it, there was no room for thought.

We pulled into the drive of my home. My house was cute I guess. Shabby chic. I rented it from a friends dad who bought it during his divorce. When he remarried -the same woman- he had no use for it. So he offered, I said yes. He also gave me the option to rent to own which was pretty fantastic.

My house was a cape style, wood shingled siding. four windows in the front with green shudders surrounding them. And the same colored green door. My front yard was pretty sweet, with green green grass. And I even had a white picket fence. *Mental snort.*



All in all it was pretty awesome. except for the piles and piles of the falling leaves, now covering what was my pretty green grassed lawn. Golden yellows and fire engine reds littered the path to my front door. I expected my lawns grass to be ten feet tall because I hadn't been home in so long to mow it. But it wasn't.

In side we got settled, and I placed myself on the couch and told tiff to take my room.
I wasn't able to go up and down my steps, and she was helping quite a bit so it made sense. I had fallen asleep I guessed, because I awoke to my door bell ringing, and knocking on my door.

"I'll get it!" tiff called. No really! I thought. When she opened the door I heard many hushed voices, some shushing and then nothing. Then I heard many feet shuffling on my hard woods. What the hell? Quietly, almost inaudible I heard " one..two..three.."
"SURPRISE!" ten million voices screamed. Well maybe not but it sure as hell sounded that way. "AHHHHHH!" I screamed in reply. What other reaction would suffice in this kind of situation? I just had the shit scared out of me!

Well like you probably already assumed, it was not ten million people. It was seven.
Most of them I already knew, from school, childhood, or work. And then their were two I didn't know. Tiff said " Hey Sam, I'd like you to meet Robby." "um. Hey Robby." I replied. "and this, is Jace. Jace this is Sam." tiff said with a hint of mischief in her blue eyes. " mmm hmm." I mumbled. Oh no you don't miss tiff. Not gonna happen im in no mood for the game love connection. I really wished they would all leave. Except Tiff.

" be nice sam!" Tiff said with a smile. I'll show you nice, I thought evilly . "hey-Jace" I said so fast it sounded like one word. The guys went to mingle with the rest of the party people, giving me and tiff a chance to speak privately. "ooo, isn't he so cute?" Tiff gushed at me. "who Jiff?" I said uninterested. "Saaam," she whined, "no Robby. I met him two weeks ago. He was at my friends house for some get-together.

Anyway there he was, all cute and what not. I sat there flirting with my eyes at him, when he comes over. You are not gonna believe what he said, ~ -" girl it ain't a lie, you got them angel eyes. You make me wanna bring out the devil inside."- " Tiff finished, quoting Robby. " wait!.. what? Tiff you do know that is from a song by akon right?" " I know! cute huh?" Tiff said dreamily.



"so you just excepted that cheesy line like... like .... I don't know! You just excepted it?"
"yup!" Tiff said. again all dreamily. "Sam, that's just him. He basically communicates purely through music lyrics. Incredible right?" I sat there on my sofa staring at her like she had I teeny tiny head and one hugely bulging eye ball. Mouth all open, nostrils completely flared, Gaping at her. Wow.

"so anyways this is like our first time hanging out like this, I mean we had like lunch once, but we were chaperoning his sisters date. So cant count it. But he's really deep. And so so sweet." Tiff cooed. "Tiff hunny, if you call ripping off some ones song lyrics sweet and deep, I think u need to get checked out. Like in your head girl." I said sincerely.

"no thats just it, he says song lyrics are just the same as speaking regular words to someone. Its not like there any different. When whoever wrote the songs they were obviously feeling various emotions right?" I nod, and she continues, "so what makes it any different if you heard it in some song? What makes it so special on the radio, and not when whoever felt it in real life?, before they turned it into a platinum song or whatever?"

"its still from the heart, its still raw and real emotions. Just in a more musical way of expression." hmmm...good point. Wow, that is deep. Again, this time out load, "wow. That is deep." I concluded. She beamed at me. " well anyways I wanted to throw you a welcome home bash, and it just so happened I needed an excuse to hang out with him soooo..." she gestured out with her hands like she was show casing my living room on display.

"and I asked him to bring a friend, a totally hot friend I might add, (I honestly wouldn't know I could absolutely care less, I thought.) oh those buns..."
She spoke as she watched his "behind", from across the room. "Tiff, I thought you was after Robby?" I asked. "oh I am. Just watching the unavailable merchandise. Checking for top quality in the product ya know?" Tiff winked. Just then Jeff, turned around and began to walk over to us. Robby caught on as well, and soon followed close behind. The boys reached us in what felt like, no time at all. And Tiff got up and left with her Robby. Leaving me with Jim. Alone. Fuck. I put my head in my hands and sighed. I'm gonna kill her I chanted in my head over and over again.

"sooo.. What's up? How's it going?" James said. " oh, bad form, stupid!" he said as he smacked himself in the head. " im sorry I should have thought before I spoke, of course your not doing great, you were nearly killed in a car accident! Im so sorry!" Jack pleaded.

Ohh my, I thought. What should I do? Jake is looking all sad, speak Sam speak!.. "um, its all right?..." I made it sound like a question. " No. You must think im a total reject, huh? Im so sorry Samantha." he said remorsefully. " Jack, really its ok! No biggie." I said. over it, Uninterested now. "Jace." he said "what?" "Jace, my name is Jace." "what did I say then?" I asked baffled. "you called me Jack. Its Jace. The name's Jace." he spoke nicely, not one ounce of sarcasm

"I guess its my time to apologize now huh?" I said turning to him. "mmm hmm." he said while nodding. I laughed out a little "sorry..." I scrunched my face drowning in concentration... ahh ha! "..Jace." I smiled and he laughed. "im impressed." he said, to me with a goofy grin.

"I like your name its' a good strong name. means told by god; listener. Although now im thinking... not so much. Never mind." Jace finished. "hey!" I lightly shouted. "oh yeah? If your so smart and great what's Jace mean? annoying and troublesome?" I retorted.
"nope, Jace means, The Healer."

Impressum

Texte: Copyright All rights reserved. 2010 (c) SThomas
Tag der Veröffentlichung: 15.10.2010

Alle Rechte vorbehalten

Widmung:
The last song...