February 17, 2011
Dear Diary,
I saw him yesterday, at the study group. He wasn’t supposed to be there. He was supposed to be in Arizona. I guess I should have connected the dots…the way he kept asking if I would be at the study group…how he kept bugging me with that ever present “secret”. He said he’d tell me if I went. I automatically assumed he meant he’d message me on the forum, which is kind of dumb, come to think of it. He did say “if you go to the study group I’ll tell you the secret”. How dense could I be? I had a sneaking suspicion, but didn’t really think about it very much.
I wasn’t supposed to go to the study group. Dad didn’t have any work, and I was depending on him for a ride to Anchorage. When he did get a job, the night before, it was in Eagle River. A half hour away from where I needed to be. So, resigning myself to my fate, thinking how it wasn’t too bad that I couldn’t go because he wouldn’t be there, I went to sleep the night before, not knowing what the next day would bring.
I woke up late. Again. It was 8:06 a.m. when a voice pierced my already half-forgotten dream. “Juliet! You’re missing class!” I bolted upright, glance at the clock, then scrambled to grab the laptop, stumbling over myself in my haste to get it to my mom so she could enter the password. After logging in to the U.S. History classroom, I sat in my bed with the laptop where it belongs; on my lap. While Ben asked questions, my mind wandered. I wasn’t focused. I hadn’t read the readings, making the usually enjoyable class seem to drag on forever. They were talking about the Watergate. I was private messaging Cecilia while being very aware that he was late for class. 20 minutes before class ended he popped in, his name sending butterflies to flight inside my stomach. Not the most pleasant feeling in the world. The rest of class wasn’t very eventful. Get it? We were discussing the events during the 1960’s? Get it? Okay, lame joke…moving on.
After History, I logged into the Lit classroom. He was there, on time, like always. I was zoned out, waiting for class to start, checking the forums for new posts, when a mic turned on and someone started speaking. I recognized his voice immediately, as it always sends chills down my spine and makes my stomach flutter. “Hey, okay, whoever is going to the study group today, the radio espresso you are planning to go to doesn’t have internet right now. Just so you know.”
My first thought was that’s weird, how does he know? Well, Cee had the same thought. And how would you know that? Cee had typed into the chat box. Right before he said it, everything clicked into place in my mind, realization dawning, “Well, because I am right across the street.”
I immediately start typing a message into the chat box: *dances in circles* I knew it, I knew it, I knew it! I was right, I was right! While he and Ben start in on a debate about Wi-Fi, Cee private messaged me.
Cee: When did he get home?
Me: Sometime last night
Suddenly I realized something. He was going to be at the study group. And I wasn’t. Crap. The rest of the class we talked about an essay we had read that Henry Adams wrote. Something about education and the world today. I think. I was very distracted. He kept getting on mic. Cee and I were private messaging, exchanging inside jokes. Or, one inside joke. I had written this poem the night before, and showed it to Cee:
Every time I see your face,
Every time I hear your voice,
I wanna hold you close,
Wanna take back my choice.
But I know I can’t,
Even if I wanted to,
I have to keep my word,
I have to follow through.
Why did I do that to you?
Why would I do it to me?
Why is God saying no?
Or am I not listening?
Wish I could be unconfused,
Wish I could know what to do,
I wish for many things,
But all I really want is you.
You.
All I really want is you.
So, every time he would get on mic, I would say something like No!! Don’t let him get on mic! Turn it off! To which Cee would predictably respond with *giggle snort* or *laughing head off* or just ;). After class ended, I went immediately to the forums, where I sent a message to Cee with the legend:
I am bored.
The UN is boring.
You guys are boring.
You left me.
To die.
Here in the valley.
Under a mountain of school work.
No, this is not a poem.
But it might turn into one.
Just be warned.
Awaiting her answer, I changed over the laundry, adding another basket to the two already bulging baskets sitting by the railing, waiting to be folded. Hurrying back to the computer, I find two messages from Cee. One where she was pleading for forgiveness saying how sorry she was that I couldn’t be there and then another informing me that he said hi. Of course, I respond immediately. Like a dog to his master’s call. (that was a little cynical, wasn’t it?) After chatting for a bit, I go to straighten my hair. The computer was in the bathroom with me, awaiting Cee’s next message, when my mom knocked on the door. Startled, I grabbed the computer and…well…I hid it. Yeah, yeah, I know, bad Juliet. But I did. Get over it. Okay, so she knocked on the door and said she needed to take a shower, because she was going into Anchorage to take my cousin’s senior pictures.
Cha-ching.
I instantly spread a plan in front of my mom. If I fold those three ginormous piles of clothes, put them away, and clean my laundry room, could I pretty please get a ride to the study group? Her answer? Yes. On one condition. I have to take my baby sister, Liberty (aged 9 months) with me to the study group. My response? I WILL DO IT!
And did I do it. I flew around the house, folding laundry at a mile a minute, washing Libby’s face, getting her dressed, placing folded laundry in their owner’s drawers, and changing, all in an hour. Am I amazing? Yes I am.
In the car on the way to the study group, my mom turns on Pandora on her iPhone, and asked how to spell “Colbie Caillat”. Me? I was super confused as to how she even knows about Colbie Caillat, let alone wants to listen to her. After seeing my mom search “Coby” instead of “Colbie” I took the phone away from her and typed in the name, made the station, and connected the cord. Yeah, I was a little impatient to be going. After all, Cee would be leaving the study group in an hour and a half. And she’s the one I wanted to see. Mostly. Oh shut up. I know, get over yourself Juliet. Whatever.
Anyway, we stopped and got Taco Bell, and then FINALLY headed to Anchorage. The drive there was…uneventful. We didn’t do much. Well, okay, there’s one thing that happened. The conversation is as follows:
Mom: So who’s at the study group?
Me: Cee’s there, Ben’s there, Avery is supposed to be there, and Wesley got back last night, so he’s there.
Mom: I don’t think you can go.
Me: WHY?
Mom: Because Wesley’s going.
Me: SO?
Mom: *cracks up laughing* I just love doing that!
Me: That’s not funny…
Yeah. The he I have been referring to? His name is Wesley. Anyway, my mom teases me a lot about him. Gets annoying. Really annoying.
So, we get to the radio espresso, and I go in to “see who’s there and ask when they are leaving”. My attempt to sneak up on them? Fail. Epic fail. Avery and Cee glanced at me before I could get half way to the table, and that triggered Ben and Wesley to…look at me. (Insert fluttery stomach here). So, after a hug from Cee and an assessment of who was there and when they were leaving, I ran outside to grab Liberty, the diaper bag, and my messenger bag from the car. When I walk back in, they had set up a chair for me to sit on. Now, for the part I have been leading up to.
The Study Group.
I arrived, and I sat down. And guess what happened?
NOTHING.
Silence.
Seriously guys? I have been anticipating this for the last three hours!
When we finally started talking, Wesley kept staring at me…it was awkward…I kept looking away, avoiding eye contact…you could feel the tension between us. Cee, and even Ben, told me later that they noticed.
Wesley got really tan down in Hawaii and Arizona. His skin was a kind of coppery color. Next to him sat Ben, pale as night. It was pretty funny, looking at the contrast. Ben’s tall, with short dirty blonde/brown hair, and pale skin. Then you have Wesley, with dark long (ish) hair, tan skin, and, well, short. Then on the other side of the table, you’ve got Avery and Cee. Avery looks kind of like me. Except, well…she’s tall. And gorgeous. And I’m short. And…not. So I guess the only similarity is that we both have brown hair, we’re skinny, and we are very hyper. Then you have Cee. She’s kind of got her own style going on. Beautiful ballerina. That’s all I have to say about her.
How did I get on this subject? Oh yeah. Wesley. Anyway, this day inspired these two poems:
It was awkward and strange,
Seeing you there,
It’s been awhile since we talked,
I tried not to stare.
I avoided eye contact,
And looking your way,
I hope I wasn’t rude,
I had nothing to say.
The silence was strained,
Tension in the air,
Wishing I hadn’t said no,
Wishing I didn’t have to care.
I hate emotions,
So stupid and thoughtless,
Why not get rid of them,
They do nothing for us.
They create drama,
And play with your mind,
Why don’t we dump them,
And leave them behind.
They can sit there alone,
In a depressing hole,
Bottled up and alone,
Deep within my soul.
People say it’s unhealthy,
Not good to do,
But I’ll do it anyway,
So I won’t feel pain seeing you.
Alas, it’s not possible,
It’s still awkward and strange,
Even if it's for the better,
My view point won't change...
Yeah. I’m head over heels in love with him. (Insert face palm here). And I have absolutely no idea what to do about it. You would think I would tell him, right? Of course, that’s the first thought anyone would have. But there’s a problem. Being 14 while he’s almost 16? It doesn’t work out too well. Especially after you pretty much rejected him. Like I did. When he told me he loved me. (Insert banging of head here) I feel so stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid. So STUPID. I know, you think I’m overreacting right now. But you don’t know how stupid I have been.
Last night I found out that my cousins were bad talking me. Wesley would text my cousin K, and he told her how he loves me, how much he misses me. And she told her parents. Who then told my mom. And they were talking about how I collect boys, and toy with them, and how I “know what I’m doing”. That made me so angry. My mom said to tell Wesley, so then he would know what our family does, how our family works. He got really mad, apparently, Cee told me. That inspired this poem:
It’s so hard to imagine you ever getting mad,
You sit there so peaceful, so tranquil, and silent.
Your face perfection, no emotion is shown,
Like a manikin, immobile, not prone to be violent.
Every once in a while I catch a glimpse of something,
But soon as I see it, in a flash, it’s gone, vanished from sight.
You’re face confuses me, a mixture of serious and happy
So delicate, and fragile, so puzzling…maybe it was just the light.
But, looking back, carefully, I see you staring straight at me,
I quick look away, not wanting to seem rude or intrusive like I don't belong,
Looking back once more, my eyes meet yours, so sad…so lonely…so alone,
The emotions, so clear, staring into your eyes, no breath in my lungs, how could I be so wrong?
Now, today was the same as any other Thursday. I missed math (this is becoming a bad habit) and I talked on the forums. I went to Earth Science, graded people’s scale maps, and then lazed around all day, doing basically nothing. Abigail (age 2 and a half) was moping around because we are transitioning her from bottles to sippy cups. Liberty was a monster child asking for attention. She’s the cutest chubbiest baby in the world, but she can get veeerry angry when she doesn’t get what she wants.
After dinner (yes, I am skipping through my very boring day to the fun part), I got on the forum and CEE WAS ON! YAY! Ish….she was preoccupied with a him of her own. Yes. I am doing the whole “him” thing again. No, I am not going to reveal this one. Anyway, it was kind of boring, until I remembered, I’m allowed on Facebook again!
So, I log on. He, I mean, Wesley, is not on. But Ben and Cee are! So, I talk to them for a couple minutes, and then Cee says that Wesley just said something, and I said “what, where?!?!?!” And she did a confused face (as we are chatting, it’s harder to say what emotions the one on the other line is feeling), and said he was online. I looked at my online thingy-ma-bobber and saw, to my dismay, that he was not shown as online to me. So…was he purposefully doing it? Or no? I will never know. Well, I might know sometime, but I don’t know right now.
Anyway, I kept talking to Ben, and he asks me this, “Hey, do you still have a crush on Wesley?”
Wait. What? Oh yeah…that’s right. Everyone knows. According to my mom, we act like a couple online. We would talk all the time, day and night, night and day…so I guess we kind of did.
But, when I told Ben the whole story, it felt so…good. He had some good advice. It’s amazing how different people seem when you talk to them through messages on a computer rather than over the phone or in person.
Then, Wesley said “dun dun!” in the group chat. So, I was kind of cold and unresponsive. Pay back for ignoring me when I said “WESLEY!” in his chat and it suddenly went “offline”. Then, I couldn’t resist, I started talking. When Ben and Cee got offline, Wesley and I started talking on our own chat. I got frustrated, because he was not talking very much, nor was he contributing at all. I finally told him that I was tired of it. In a nicer way…okay, I said he wasn’t talking or contributing very much. So sue me.
I said how I wished we could talk like we did before. Before he said he loved me. Before I said no. Before.
Those thoughts inspired this poem:
Motions, visions, sounds, smells,
All come clashing down in an overwhelming title wave,
Everything seems blurred, unreal, almost like a dream,
Emotions flowing, struggle to stay in control, unable to save.
Memories flash across my mind, your face, your voice, you,
The things you say, the way you say it, how you were with me,
Inseparable, or so it seems, you and me, never again,
We’d talk, or stay silent; everything appears right, in perfect harmony.

We talked until very late into the night, or rather, early into the morning. It was 2:02 am when we finally stopped talking. We said our rhyme, the one where you say good night, sleep tight, but we add different creative lines all the time. This time I said “Good night, sleep tight, don’t get into some epic fight, without back up.” I signed off with this “<3 Juliet :) Goooood niiiight”.
He didn’t respond with his usual sign off. In fact, he didn’t respond at all. Maybe I shouldn’t have said it?
You know what I thought the moment I noticed he wasn’t answering? I wanted to say how much I love him. I wanted to say I’m sorry for saying no. I wanted to say this:

I love you.
Can’t you tell?
I love you.
I certainly fell.
I love you.
Yet I can’t see you.
I love you.
I can’t be with you.
I love you.
Life sucks.
I love you.
Tough luck.
I love you.
This is so unfair.
I love you.
But no one cares.
I wish I had. I wish I had the guts to tell him.
Yours,
Juliet

Friday, February 18, 2011
Dear Diary,
Its 10:15 a.m. I have a mentor meeting in a little over half an hour. Am I prepared? Nope. To be honest, I find this project kind of weird. I mean, outlining your one and three year plan is great and all, but having to present them to be graded? That’s a little odd. But, it’s what I have to do, so I better hop to it.
*11:20 a.m.*
GUESS WHO JUST ROCKED THEIR LEADERSHIP PRESENTATION?!?!
Me, that’s who! Yeah! Am I awesome or am I awesome?
Overboard?
Nope. Maybe. Kind of. Yes…but that’s not the point. The point is I took something and made it into nothing. Wait… *scratches head* that doesn’t look right.
Anyway…I just took a shower. Finally. My hair smells really good. But my face…I really need to start using that acne stuff my mom got me, because my face is deciding to go “pop pop pop, let’s have some zits, shall we?” because of the stress. Yes. Stress. And lots of it. I am so behind on school. But, instead of dumping all my problems on here, I think I will write down the pros, so I can remember them.
Shakespeare is today! I am so happy. I get to see Bex. And, I get to go home with her, because we have baptisms afterwards. I have been grounded for the last TWO MONTHS. Yeah, I know, you want to know what I did, right? Sorry, that is not in the “pros” category. Back to pros. Today, in Shakespeare, we’re reading through the abridged script of Twelfth Night, which we will be performing in April. I am way nervous. The read through could be disastrous.
I just got the wits scared out of me. I walked into my parents DARK room, glanced at the bed, turned around to look at myself in the mirror, and my brother was standing there, looking at me with his hand to his lips, signaling me to “shh!”. Of course, it scared me half to death, making me half yelp, half scream. Not what my brother was asking me to do, obviously. Katie came running in, and he hid behind the door. She asked why I screamed, and I spat out some story about how I turned to the mirror, and then thought I saw someone behind me. It seemed legitimate enough, considering there was a pile of pillows under the blankets in the bed.
I’m off to class now, I’ll write more later.
*Later*
The read through went really well. We had characterization flying all over the place. Some people were great readers, with eloquent voices and hand gestures, emotions showing on their faces with a vigor I had never seen exhibited by any of them before, but others read their lines as if they didn’t care, all they wanted was the brownies anyway. I suppose they thought it was a dumb exercise…
It took all my will power not to correct anyone with their pronunciation of unfamiliar Shakespearean words. Being the teacher’s sister, and having taken the class the previous year, I knew all those hard to pronounce words. The only person I didn’t spare from this was Bex. One of my best friends, she knows how I am, so every time she would stop at a word, stumbling over what she thought it might be, I’d “come to the rescue” and we’d move forward, quickly, the way I like it. Yes, I am a grammar/spelling Nazi. Big time.
During the read through I couldn’t stop laughing. It was so weird. Everything seemed funny. It was probably the sugar. I had three cups of soda, and two brownies. And a cookie. It was probably lack of sleep, too. That combination (sugar and lack of sleep) does something to my mind.
Anyway, I asked Bex if I could come with her, so she could give me a ride to the church. When we had permission, I was scrambling around, trying to find all my stuff, which I had failed to collect before class. Bex laughed at me as I ran past her with one three inch high heel on, yelling at the kids to help me find the other one. When I finally found it, we had to rush out the door and pile into the car. I was still hyper, and was giggling almost the whole ride to the Jones’ house, where Bex and I were dropped off to await the arrival of Sister Jones and her daughter, Kali, who we would be snatching a ride to the church with.
I told her the whole thing about Wesley. How I really don’t want to be just friends. And then we had a very weird conversation. She wanted me to “listen to her toe”. I told her flat out that I wasn’t going to listen to her toe. Nuh-uh, not happening.
Sure enough, 30 seconds later I was on the ground, listening to her toe. Yeah, I am weird like that.
She was sitting on the couch when I was telling her a story, her feet on my knee caps, pretty much holding me up. Suddenly, I’m falling (insert yelp/scream here). Bex decided to take her feet off my knees, to see what would happen. Veeery nice.
We changed into our Sunday clothes a couple minutes before Kali arrived. When they did arrive, Kali ran to change, and then, once again, we piled into a car. This is where it gets kind of boring. Well, it was probably boring before this, but it is probably going to get really boring now.
While we were driving, Sister Jones and her sister told stories about their Grandma. It was hilarious! One was about how she was cooking spaghetti noodles (she wasn’t a cooking mom, she cooked the simplest things she could, they said) and as they were boiling, they just kept getting greener and greener. When she went to drain them, one of her green socks feel out of the bottom of the pan! Apparently, they ate them anyway, because “the sock was clean; there wasn’t anything wrong with it”.
It made me laugh. A little bit. I was…*cough cough* a little depressed. I got really bored in the car. Bex was braiding Caity’s hair. She was facing away from me, and seemed very impatient with me. I don’t think she missed me as much as I missed her. I feel kind of abandoned…Bex and Ren are basically my only friends that I ever get to hang out with. My other friends live hours away from me, and I only get to talk to them over the computer.
I wrote this earlier:
As I head into Anchorage now, I almost wish it wasn’t for baptisms. Sigh…if only I could stay the night at my cousins and got to the dance tomorrow night, I’d see Cee and Ben at least. I started writing this poem on the way to church:
Your smile, your eyes, you,
Your voice, your face, everything you do,
It takes my breath away, unable to breath,
How my stomach flutters you wouldn’t believe.

I didn’t finish it.
In the back Sadie and Kali exclaim random words that, at the moment, mean nothing to me, like “popped eye” or “headless”. The car is so warm, my eyes are so heavy, my head nodding, I think I’ll take a nap…
Or not. They’re yelling in the back. I’ve finally figure out what they’re doing. Playing the “one head light out” game. Pediddle. Yeah…lets massacre it, shall we? Okay. I am tired.
Bex asked me, or rather, she stated “you don’t look too happy”. I sighed, and said “I’m going into Anchorage, and I don’t even get to see them.” She immediately dismisses the “them’. She knows who I am really thinking about.
(This is me, now, the present time, not in the car. I am at home, in bed)
Baptisms were so much fun. I got dunked eleven times instead of ten, because Brother Hobbes forgot to finish the prayer before he dunked me. We had pizza afterwards, it was yummy. When I got home, I got on Facebook. Predictably, Ben, Cee, and Wesley were on. We started planning the activity we would have on Monday. This is part of a conversation I had with Wesley:
[Me] 10:52pm I don't know why I keep suggesting ice skating....it was such a disaster last time....
[Him]
10:54pm
i thought it was fun
[Me]
10:55pm
says the one skating circles around me as I sat on the ground
[Him]
10:55pm
the person too scared to reach out and grab your hand to pick you up?
[Me]
Yup I got in trouble with Bex
for being depressed
She said I am not allowed to be depressed
Shes one to talk...
[Him]
yeah! why are you depressed?
btw
have you been hanging out with ren lately?
[Me]
11:02pm
Ren? Barely....
rolls eyes I was way hyper in class today...Shakespeare. I had like, a cup of soda, and i was sitting by Nali during the read through...and she asked me if I was drunk...I actually slurred words on accident...
[Him]
HAHA!!
[Me]
Yeah...I couldn't stop giggling, or laughing...for NO REASON
[Him]
and why were you depressed?
[Him]
You
[Him]
HAHAHA!!!
me?
[Me]
Yes
[Him]
i made you depressed?
[Me]
11:05pm
Yes
I regretted ever mentioning anything. I talked to Ashley a little bit about Wesley. Sigh…
“It’s not like its love. I mean, be realistic.”
I don’t know how to be realistic anymore. I wish I could. I really do. I really want to. But I don’t know how.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Dear Diary,
Children humming, whistling, and singing, plus a 2 year old banging blocks, plus a 9 month old cooing, plus some kind of folk music, plus a very bad head ache, equals a very irritable Juliet.
No joke.
I am so tired. I didn’t get much sleep last night. I had a bad dream. Not worth telling about, I can only half remember it. It comes from being sick, stressed, and not having enough sleep. Do I sound like I am complaining? That’s because I am ;) And it’s all my fault, too…
Note to all girls out there crushing on a guy: Do not stay up until 2am every night just to talk to him. All it gets you is bags under your eyes, a bad-temper the next morning, and gives him the idea that he shouldn’t have to try to connect with you, because you’ll come to him, eventually.
Am I stereotyping right now? Most definitely. This probably doesn’t apply to all guys, but I’m sure there are others out there that are just as lazy. Actually, I am more than sure. I’ve met several.
Andrew, my older brother, changed the station, thank goodness. Now I am listening to Lea Salonga. She’s an amazing singer, who played many of the Disney princesses. My little sister Abigail keeps trying to escape outside. There’s something wrong with the plumbing, so my dad is outside with the little kids and the guy from the plumbing place, trying to fix it. I don’t envy them.
Kimber just came in with a puppy. I wonder what my mom is going to say…
He’s so cute! She’s paying the kids to watch him. Ten bucks a week. Why can’t I do it, it’s not like they need the money. “Because you have classes,” she said. So? Only in the morning…I could take care of him. Kind of…ish. Okay, so I don’t have the time, but I could really use the money.
I have a lot of laundry to fold. Four and a half baskets, to be specific. And I have to do it all before Monday. Because, on Monday, I have no class. No one in Williamsburg does. What does this mean? It means we’re getting together to go do something. And I have to be there. And to be there, I have to fold all my laundry. And – well, you get my point.
There’s only one problem: I haven’t had any time to fold the laundry! I am watching babies that I cannot afford to leave on their own. So, I’ll have to do it tomorrow. I’ll have plenty of time then. Maybe. I’ll have to get up early, and not laze in bed…dang. The things I do for my friends *rolls eyes*.
I am talking to Cee on the forum *happy dance/smile*.
And now on Facebook.
:D :D:D :D:D :D :D
YAY!
cough cough
[Cee]
cough?
[Me]
I think you gave me a virus
get it?
[Cee]
oh. haha sucks for you :D:D
More for you later.
*Later*
I just stopped talking to Cee. It’s 12something…pm. I was talking to Wesley before that, for a couple hours before that, actually…
I told him. I finally got the guts. It was kind of an exchange…I kept WANTING to tell him, but I chickened out a lot. Until, he said he had a day dream. About me. So…naturally…I wanted to know what it was.
This is our messaged conversation:
Between Wesley and You
I love you.
Can’t you tell?
I love you.
I certainly fell.
I love you.
Yet I can’t see you.
I love you.
I can’t be with you.
I love you.
Life sucks.
I love you.
Tough luck.
I love you.
This is so unfair.
I love you.
But no one cares.
Wesley:
[quote]I love you.
Can’t you tell?[/quote]
i know
[quote]I love you.
But no one cares. [/quote]
i do
Wesley:
number 3
i try to suppress these thoughts, i call it suppressing the inner Spaniard
<im sitting down on a rock, dangling my feet off of it, letting my toes touch the biggest swells that come by. you walk up to me, the sea breeze blowing your hair behind you, you sit down next to me. i start off by giving my signature line, "you look familiar" you reply with, "i hope i should".... a long pause while we watch the sun lower toward the ocean. you cough, i look at you, smile, and at that moment, we get dowsed by a huge wave and fall into the water.... we swim ashore, soaking wet. i take a leftover towel and dry you off, we walk hand in hand toward the hot tub, we get in it and just start talking, truely talking, not just the shallow stuff we have recently said to eachother, but true talking, and as the conversation dies down, i take your hand, draw you near....... stare deep into your eyes, and there we stand for what seems like forever, barely one foot away, in a hot tub fully clothed until i finally pull you me and we kiss...
Is it wrong that my heart flutters every time I read that?
Sigh…I keep thinking how I’m not old enough to date…how I can’t date boys outside of my religion…
Yours,
Juliet
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Dear Diary,
I know, I know, I haven’t written in a couple of days. I’ve just been so busy with school and everything. Well, I guess I better explain a couple things.
Firstly: I am pissed off at Wes at the moment (pardon me). Yes, I know, how could I get pissed off ahem, I mean, angry at a guy I am in love with? Simple. I am not in love with him. I am simply over exaggerating. That’s the answer. I’ll just say that I am not in love with him. That it was all simply a huge mistake on my part. That no matter what I do, I cannot love him.
Fail…
Anyway, I am pissed off at him. Just…seriously. I don’t like explaining this, because it sounds like a stupid reason to be pissed…I mean angry. Wesley started this stupid conversation about “getting some boo bees” for a tube top. It was just so…inappropriate? Finally, I turned off chat to all but Helen and the group chat. I could read what they were saying, but I wouldn’t talk to them. They were just making me angry. And then earlier today I was talking to Wes, and he started making pictures with question marks, and making pictures of woman out of question marks and other things on the keyboard…
I wanted to slap him upside the head. Hard.
I mean, have some respect dude! Gosh.
Anyway, I’ve been talking to Cee and Ben a lot since I am pretty much ignoring Wes. Because he’s ignoring me. Anyway, I talked to Ben about prom and school and randomness, and then I talked to Cee about prom dresses and wedding dresses and all sorts of randomness about USA Blockhead (AKA, Uber Sexy Awesome Blockhead, AKA, Ben). We’re going to go prom dress searching! It’ll be way fun! And, I have a SECRET. A secret that I can’t tell Cee until I see her. She’s going to get annoyed at me, but it’ll be worth the wait, I know. I gave Ben the idea earlier, and he LOVES it.
I am behind in school. Still. Yes, yes, I know, catch up Juliet, catch up! But it’s hard. <--- This is me complaining, just FYI. ;) Anyway, not much has been happening. I went to mutual. We did certification for camp (first aid, to be precise), and I got cookies and muffins and SUGAR! I love sugar. It is my best friend. Besides Cee. And Bex. And Ren. And…yeah, I have a lot besties :)
Home life is…meh. Not my favorite. If I didn’t know better I’d think they all hated me. If I didn’t know better <--- Key words there.
Anyway, I am tired. I’ve been helping Helen find a prom dress (SO MUCH FUN). I can’t wait until Friday. Auditions :)
Yours,
Juliet

Thursday, February 25, 2011
Dear Diary,
I have been in a debate about Abortion for the last couple days, and am getting seriously ticked. It’s very hard not to say “I am right, you are wrong, so there!” My beliefs are my beliefs. This is what the conversation looks like from where I joined in:
Jo
Alright, I'm going to play Mr Stickup for a minute here. I think that abortion is a terrible thing and that the government has no right to regulate it in any way. I also think that abortion, although yes it is very evil, is not always the wrong choice. When a person is not ready to take on the responsibility of parenthood, and they were forced into an intimate relationship, then they should not be expected to take on that responsibility. If they so choose, I think they should be allowed to abort the child for their own sake and the child's sake as well. Other than that, abortion is nothing more than taking the life of another in order that you may attempt to escape the consequences and responsibility of your actions. It is not the government's place to make it illegal and Definitely NOT it's place to fund it. You guys may know this, but the Health Care bill is one thing that provides for the funding of abortions - at a national level too. >:(
Touchy Subject
Matt
Jo thats what adoption is for ;D
[My view on abortion is that it is entirely evil. I also believe that it was a major mistake for the States to obey the Roe v. Wade ruling. The Constitution gives the Supreme Court or the Federal Government no power to control such domestic policy and murder laws. If people give the government whatever power they claim they have, the Republic will not last long. :( Nowadays abortionists, and the judges who votes for Roe, ought to be tarred and feathered by angry mobs...]
Totaly agree. Thomas jefferson believed that rebellion to tyrants is obedience to God ;D
Me
[Alright, I'm going to play Mr Stickup for a minute here. I think that abortion is a terrible thing and that the government has no right to regulate it in any way. I also think that abortion, although yes it is very evil, is not always the wrong choice. When a person is not ready to take on the responsibility of parenthood, and they were forced into an intimate relationship, then they should not be expected to take on that responsibility. If they so choose, I think they should be allowed to abort the child for their own sake and the child's sake as well. Other than that, abortion is nothing more than taking the life of another in order that you may attempt to escape the consequences and responsibility of your actions. It is not the government's place to make it illegal and Definitely NOT it's place to fund it. You guys may know this, but the Health Care bill is one thing that provides for the funding of abortions - at a national level too. >:(
Touchy Subject]
I agree with all of this.
Matt
Why do you Juliet??
Me
Because, that is what I believe is right. Saying everything again would be just a waste of time when he said it so perfectly. ;)
Matthew Gwynn
So you don't think the unborn child shouldn't have any chance for life no mater the circumstances??
Ben
But that's not what Joseph said...
Matt
not exactly no but in a way yes he did. What right does the women have to kill an unborn baby that does not have any chance to be harmed. thomas jefferson said, “No man has the natural right to commit aggression on the equal rights of another."
Me
What if the said woman was forced into that relationship? What if she didn't not have any choice to the matter?
Matt
They put it up for ADOPTION its been done before
Matt
There is no reason that the unborn child should die
Cecilia
I'm on Matthew's side. Just because two(or sometimes just one) people made a mistake, does not mean that a murder should be committed.
Matt
THANK YOU!!!!!!!!
Cecilia
The child isn't the mistake. The act of creating the child was. The child should be allowed to live, no matter who is responsible for his conception. He or she is a human being and will continue to be such. It's a murder no matter which way you cut the cake.
Matt
True, The child did nothing to deserve death
Cecilia
The "removal" from the child does not undo the violence and trauma done to a women when she is forced into an intimate relationship. If anything, it highlights it.
Me
So, the woman should have to suffer for 9 months carrying that child that will only be a reminder of the trauma she has been through? She could put it up for adoption, yes, but what if that woman is not a woman after all, but a child of 13, 15, or even 16? Should they have go through that experience?
Matt
You are treading on the unalienable right of the unborn child to life. The damage has allready been done the women or "child" will allways have some sort of a reminder of that experience. And should they go through out that experience? What is done is done and there is no reason to tread on other peoples rights unborn or not
This all truly makes me angry.
A woman has her rights, just the same as the unborn child. If she was raped, it was not her choice. She didn’t want that, and she should not be subjected to the humiliation (that inevitably comes), the pain and burden of carrying the child, and having the struggle of finding suitable parents for the child (if she decided to give it up for adoption). It is a different story if the woman made the choice. If she made the choice, then that is her mistake.
Let me lay it out like this:
I believe that if the woman is raped, then she should have the right to abort the pregnancy, without condemnation. That is my belief. (<---my response to the thread)
I know you may be thinking “why in the world would I want to read about this?” and I’m sorry for putting it all on here, but it was a big part of my day, so…yeah. I was supposed to get all my home work for US History and American Lit finished today, but I didn’t. I’ve been so tired! I didn’t eat breakfast (it was oatmeal, ew), or lunch (left overs, double ew…), or dinner (tomato soup, yuck). I just now realized that I haven’t eaten anything all day. Well no wonder I’m tired. I usually don’t get tired when I don’t eat. But now I am ever so tired and ever so hungry.
I’m going to get a peanut butter and jelly sandwich…my daddy just came home with lots and lots of food from the store. I’m talking to Helen about prom dresses. We’re getting together on the 12th of March to search for dresses.
*Later*
Shakespeare went well. We did auditions. I completely and totally failed. I didn’t get my stuff memorized, so I kept add libbing, making it sound terrible. But they said I had good inflection, even if my memorizing was a zero and my movement was flippy floppy (<--- terrible awful ick)
Anyway, we did cold readings, which was kind of fun, but I only read twice. I then went babysitting at 5:50 pm to 11:00. Angel children! Went to bed when told, got PJ’s on…amazing. Earlier today after Leadership I got into an elluminate classroom with Cee, Ben, and Wes. It was so much fun! Cee and I were singing (mostly Cee, I was backed up), and Wes and Ben were in a break out room, talking about guy stuff, I guess.
My convo with Cee:
oday
[Helen Marie Lindamood]
11:47pm
oh yesh high five
[You]
11:47pm
hold on, ima change into my pjs
[Helen Marie Lindamood]
11:48pm
:):) have fun
[You]
11:49pm
haha
fuzzyneeeeessssss
[Helen Marie Lindamood]
11:49pm
boom clapp boom deep clap de clap
oh good times :):)
[You]
11:49pm
hahahaha
hum dee dum
[Helen Marie Lindamood]
11:50pm
i am dancing in my bed :D:D
[You]
11:50pm
helen, that could be interpretted very wrong
[Helen Marie Lindamood]
11:50pm
and i feel like.... oh ya. no cussing :P:P
[You]
11:51pm
nice cover up
[Helen Marie Lindamood]
11:51pm
mybody...
hahahaha oh i know :D:D
[You]
11:51pm
did I ever tell you about the time Levi was hitting on me? Levi Lawson?
[Helen Marie Lindamood]
11:51pm
umm no
[You]
11:52pm
...oh dear
you've missed out
[Helen Marie Lindamood]
11:52pm
looks slightly scared
[You]
11:52pm
haha
he first tried to set me up on an elluminate date with Andy Mac
[Helen Marie Lindamood]
11:53pm
WTH?????
[You]
11:53pm
then, tried to impress me adn make me jealous by telling me all the girls that have a crush on him
[Helen Marie Lindamood]
11:53pm
ew
[You]
11:53pm
then he started saying things like "I think its cute the way you say 'hum dee dum'"
and then asked me who I like
and then started guessing who I like
[Helen Marie Lindamood]
11:54pm
bahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
[You]
11:54pm
and then I said something about liking names and stuff
and he asked "do you like the name Levi?"
it was just...yeah
weird
[Helen Marie Lindamood]
11:54pm
how do u know this dude?
EEEWWWWWWW
[You]
11:55pm
elevation, friends with on FB, he's in my leadership class....
[Helen Marie Lindamood]
11:55pm
oh ok
[You]
11:55pm
yeah
[Helen Marie Lindamood]
11:55pm
how old?
[You]
11:55pm
15
LD
LDS*
[Helen Marie Lindamood]
11:55pm
tsk tsk a shame to teenage boys flirting....
[You]
11:55pm
wait...16
(I gave her the link to his profile)
[Helen Marie Lindamood]
11:56pm
even worse
[You]
11:56pm
yeah
[Helen Marie Lindamood]
11:56pm
darn it wont let me see anything
[You]
11:56pm
a 16 year old boy should not be flirting with a 13 (now 14) year old girl
Oh wait...
:P
[Helen Marie Lindamood]
11:56pm
bahahahahaha i JUST got that
[You]
11:57pm
snort giggle slow much? XD
hahahahaha
[Helen Marie Lindamood]
11:57pm
hey its after 9!!!!
give me a break.
[You]
11:57pm
hahahahahahahaha
that was funny...
[Helen Marie Lindamood]
11:57pm
slams head on bedframe i really need to go to bed
I CANNOT FLIPPING WAIT FOR SPRING BREAK
[You]
11:58pm
ME NEITHER!
[Helen Marie Lindamood]
11:59pm
:P:P
starts crying I HATE THIS ALL
[You]
11:59pm
what do you hate?!
[Helen Marie Lindamood]
11:59pm
life as a whole
Today
[You]
12:00am
ah
yeah
HAPPY NEW YEARS!
[Helen Marie Lindamood]
12:01am
i hate that i have to get up early, i hate that im gaining weight, i hate my face, i hate that i rely on boys to be happy, i hate that i cant be there to support my friends, i hate that i cant keep my room clean, i hate that i procrastinate, i hate that ill never be pretty, i hate that ill never have money, i hate everything
[You]
12:02am
Helen: You aren't pretty. You won't ever be pretty. Do you know why?
BECAUSE YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL
[Helen Marie Lindamood]
12:02am
beauty isnt noticed....
[You]
12:03am
Sometimes friends need to stand on their own, even if you want to help them and if they want help
[Helen Marie Lindamood]
12:03am
people look at how people look on the outside
[You]
12:03am
your room: plah, who cares?
[Helen Marie Lindamood]
12:03am
my mother :P
[You]
12:03am
gaining wait is nothing
[Helen Marie Lindamood]
12:03am
YES IT IS!!!!
[You]
12:03am
procrastination is natural
[Helen Marie Lindamood]
12:04am
IT IS FREAKING EVERYTHING starts hyperventilating
[You]
12:04am
Helen, you're an amazingly wonderfully kind awesome person. And people who can't see that are retarded black heads with motes in their eyes!
[Helen Marie Lindamood]
12:05am
the wrold is full of retarded black heads with motes in their eyes...
including me....
gah. ill stop. i need to go to bed
[You]
12:05am
block*
Okay, I do too.
Good night fair Helen,
You're beautiful and you know it,
So, go to sleep tonight,
And tomorrow, SHOW IT
[Helen Marie Lindamood]
12:06am
night bri
half smile
[You]
12:06am
<3 Bri :)
good night

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Tag der Veröffentlichung: 06.08.2012

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