Day 1 – The Jewish Sopranos
Dear Diary,
Sorry it’s been so long.
When was the last time? When I was 15? Yes, that was about the time I understood what testosterone was really about. I won’t bother catching you up on how my life has turned out but it’s been a roller coaster.
I am really getting tired of working for the Sopranos. That’s what this company feels like; a Jewish version of the Sopranos.
“You are only as good as your last score. We have numbers to meet” is the only motivation.
Jewish mobsters run a different game than the Italians. You won’t get shot but you won’t be able to enjoy breakfast either.
I need a vacation. I don’t feel so good right now.
Love,
Russ
Dear Russ,
I’ll see what I can do.
Love,
Diary
Day 2 - The Meningitis Breakdown
Dear Diary,
Camp Kennestone Hospital was not exactly the kind of vacation I had in mind. I remember many years ago, when I wrote in my Diary about my need to write a funny story for the school paper. That night my new puppy broke out of his box and took a big doggy-poop down the vents. The heater was running and, by morning, the entire house smelled like poop. At school, all of my classmates were checking their shoes since my clothes smelled like canine landmines.
However, the highschool editor was impressed with the story. I was popular for a while. It all started with a Diary entry.
Why in the world did I get meningitis? I mean, they put needles into my spine to figure out what I had. God could have just written them a note or something. Why not a cold so I can take a vacation? Better yet, is it so hard for God to drop me down some extra money so I could quit work and live in Thailand for a few months?
Thailand, yes, that would have been more ideal for vacation.
But, no, I’m sitting in the hospital bed with IV’s and nurses want to take my blood at 4 AM.
At least I have you to talk to.
Love,
Russ
Dear Russ,
It’s going to get better. Don’t eat the hospital food.
Love,
Diary
Day 3 - The Meningitis Breakdown Continues
Dear Diary,
I’m still stuck in the hospital. They don’t know if I have bacterial or viral meningitis and it takes a while for the spinal fluid culture tests to show the true problem. It’s so hard to pee, dragging that IV unit behind me. My girlfriend is here though. She has been helping keep me remain sane. And, to be honest, writing to you has helped me out tremendously. I don’t have much to say right now. But thanks for being there.
Love,
Russ
Dear Russ,
There is a bottle next to your bed. Pee in that.
Love,
Diary
Day 4- Good News
Dear Diary,
So, apparently it’s not the worst case of meningitis there is. It’s viral when means that they have to run more blood tests to figured out what caused it. Bacterial would have been harder to deal with. From what I can gather, to find out what caused the meningitis to begin with, they are checking for some pretty nasty stuff. Epstein Barr, HIV, Herpes, Syphilis, and a bunch of other infectious diseases I’ve never heard of.
My girlfriend didn’t like the idea of them testing me for those sexually transmitted diseases. I thought it was funny, at least until I looked up Syphilis chancre sores. Those things look nasty.
Here’s hoping my past hasn’t caught up to me.
I cannot wait to get out of here. I need a drink. And some sex.
Love,
Russ
Dear Russ,
Wear condoms. Why haven’t you told me about all this fun you had?
Love,
Diary
Day 5- Time For A Drink
Dear Diary,
They decided to release me from the hospital since viral meningitis has no cure but time and the blood work will take 2 more days to get back. My girlfriend is coming to pick me up and she has already informed me it’s time for a stiff drink. I wonder if a stiff drink will loosen up my stiff body? It has not been fun lying in that bed 24 hours a day.
Of course, I’ll take it easy this week. They gave me Percocet. I wonder what will happen if I take those while I’m enjoying a drink tonight?
Love,
Russ
Dear Russ,
You are too much.
Love,
Diary
Day 6- Slow Day in Paradise
Dear Diary,
Last night was really fun. I needed a pick me up like that. Granted, I couldn’t have sex…not everything was able to rise to the occasion. I’m blaming meningitis.
I’m not quite sure what to do with myself today. I’m lying in bed as I write to you. I have been too scared to drive lately as it’s hard enough walking up and down the stairs. However, I have you know, that before I got sick, I was doing good on my workouts. For 38, I feel like a rockstar.
I may not look like one right now though. Wonder if my girlfriend will miss her face cleanser?
My dog pissed on the floor as a welcome home present.
Well, maybe tomorrow will be better.
Love,
Russ
Dear Russ,
Put on the Doors. Track 8.
Love,
Diary
Day 7- The Quiet Monkey
Dear Diary,
I went to the zoo today. Can you believe it? I got out and my girlfriend drove me to the zoo. Of course, I hobbled around and didn’t have much energy but it was good to see the sun again. I don’t like looking at caged animals though. Then again, I’m sure my dog doesn’t appreciate fence in the back yard either. It’s for his protection though.
To be honest, I had a good time until I got to the monkey cage. The one animal I never expected to see sleeping in the shade at the zoo was the monkey. Most of them were bouncing around their cage, screaming at all of us humans, and showing their glistening teeth in an attempt to tell us what was on their mind.
They seemed pissed.
But there was a quiet monkey sitting in the back of the cage. He didn’t look old, just almost sedated, as if there was some quiet acceptance he had about his plight. He was going to die in that cage.
I’m worried Diary. I don’t want to die in a cage. I want to do so much with my life but nothing has been really panning out the way I had envisioned it. I don’t even know what to do anymore.
That’s all I got. I am the only person who goes to the zoo and gets depressed I guess.
Love,
Russ
Dear Russ,
Monkey see, monkey do. You are not a monkey. Stop it.
Love,
Diary
Day 8 – I Feel Like Sam Kinnison
Dear Diary,
Work is telling me that I only have 5 sick days I can use and that the rest of my time off until I get well will come from my vacation days. They did say I could work a few hours a day to compensate.
Can you believe this?
I went outside and screamed some very nasty language at the sky. I just don’t give a shit about work anymore.
I tell ya, I’m going to fly to Los Angeles and have some fun. Screw this. They can take my vacation. I don’t care about them anymore.
Time to book a ticket for an afternoon flight to Los Angeles, sick or not.
Love,
Russ
Dear Russ,
Get an aisle seat. It’s a long flight.
Love,
Diary
Day 9 – Why Am I So Lucky?
Dear Diary,
I don’t understand why I can do some of the craziest things but still not get into trouble. It’s late, I’m drunk, and I should be in jail right now.
When I arrived to the airport, I noticed a Yellow Corvette at the rental counter. Convertible. Black stripes. I couldn’t help myself. The gas pedal couldn’t help itself either. I got up to 140 MPH on Highway 101. How I avoided being pulled over is beyond me.
I did get pulled over on Hollywood Boulevard for racing. I had no idea there was a cop car behind me. They were pretty upset that they couldn’t keep up. I was only doing 60 or so but, well, I got there pretty quickly. They said the speed limit was 35. I never noticed it.
They wanted to take me to jail for reckless driving and endangerment of the locals. But, when none of us could figure out how to turn the car off, it was so funny…the cops were laughing too hard to stay mad. They only wrote me a ticket. I didn’t know the button I used to start the Corvette up was also the button that turned it off.
Can you believe it?
Why am I so lucky to have the money to fly to Los Angeles on a whim, drive a Corvette at dangerous speeds, get pulled over by the cops, get away with only a small traffic violation, and then lie in my hotel bed at night without a scar or a worry?
My life has always been like this it seems. Why am I so lucky?
Love,
Russ
Dear Russ,
There is a God. That Corvette thing was dumb, by the way.
Love,
Diary
Day 10 – I Still Have The Magic
Dear Diary,
I love shooting pool. I went out to a bar on Hollywood Boulevard tonight and played pool for 3 hours straight. “The winner keeps playing” were the rules. I didn’t lose until I got tired of watching grown men, with their egos drawn, walk over to their girlfriends and complain about the pool stick being crooked.
I got so tired of it, I just started running the table from start to finish. I feel so good right now. I think I’ll just eat what’s in the mini-bar. I don’t feel like room service.
Most of the day, I just lounged around and watched a weird crowd of people gather as a DJ was performing in the lobby of the hotel. I couldn’t tell the men from the women to be honest.
I also looked up the location of the Malibu home where Two and a Half Men is supposedly filmed. Malibu seems nice. Maybe I could live there one day? I only need 5 million for a decent spot. How can I make 5 million?
And I didn’t drive to the bar. I walked. No way I’m letting that Corvette get loose again.
Love,
Russ
Dear Russ,
It’s the simple things in life. 5 million isn’t so simple.
Love,
Diary
Day 11 – Home Sweet Home
Dear Diary,
It never fails me. When I go to a new city, I think of what it would be like to live there. I almost moved to NYC one time after work paid for me to live next to Central Park for 6 months. I remember seeing the drummer for Bon Jovi there in the lobby. How can a man so ugly have a woman so pretty?
And now I’m thinking of living in Los Angeles on the beach.
What is it with me? I was raised on a farm by simple-minded country parents. Why do I want so much more? Will I ever be satisfied with just a patch of dirt and a pretty home in Georgia?
Love,
Russ
Dear Russ,
Jesus is the answer.
Kidding.
Love,
Diary
Day 12 – She’s Back
Dear Diary,
My girlfriend Suzie is moving back in with me. This will be her third time moving into the Playboy Mansion North Atlanta. She made me remove the stripper pole and stage in the living room. The disco ball in the bonus room was on the chopping block also. I refused to get rid of the picture with the red headed topless woman. She didn’t even bring up the deer heads. She knows better.
Maybe three times is a charm? I do love her. But I love doing my own thing as well. Wonder if she is the key to the life I always wanted?
She said the next time she leaves it will be in handcuffs. I guess she means the police. We do have lots of fun at night with handcuffs, so maybe that’s what she means.
Who knows, women are hard to figure out.
Love,
Russ
Dear Russ,
She means the police.
Love,
Diary
Day 13 – The Illusion of Control
Dear Diary,
The more I think about Suzie moving back in, the more it seems I am not in control of my life. Over the last three years, very strange events have led us away and then back together. The week I was getting ready to move to NYC, she shows up on my doorstep, having moved back into the state after we had a bad break up the year before.
I had already sold my car, got someone to manage the property for rental, and had priced out the movers. And now she shows up…what was I to do? We seem to be connected in so many ways with how the universe works. It seems spiritual. It seems that every time I try to do something different without her, she shows up at the exact moment to prevent it.
Now she’s moving back in and for some reason, I feel okay with it this time. It felt forced before.
The more I think about it, the more it seems that is the story of my life. Life altering decisions have always been blocked and it was only later that I realized why it had been blocked. I would have been miserable.
I think I need to just go with the flow now. I don’t have control, as it’s just an illusion.
Do you know how tough it is to haul a stripper pole and stage off to the dumpster? The next male dumpster visitor will probably think it’s his lucky day.
Love,
Russ
Dear Russ,
You should have kept it.
Love,
Diary
Day 14 – Back To Work, Sort of
Dear Diary,
One of the luxuries of working from home is that I can quietly tell someone to piss off without a face-to-face confrontation. I can just ignore them for a while. Nobody likes to be ignored, especially control freaks.
And my line of work is nothing but a fast paced moving control freak industry. If people only knew the heart attacks that occur so that they can watch television nightly or see their precious soap operas during the daytime.
I have given up watching television. I cannot bear to endure it anymore.
I have lost that loving feeling.
Love,
Russ
Dear Russ,
Don’t cast your pearls before swine.
Love,
Diary
Day 15 – Fishing With The Stars
Dear Diary,
I couldn’t help it. I drove down to the farm and went fishing. It was cold but clear skies. I love watching the stars develop as the sun fades over the horizon. There is something peaceful about it. I remembered my friend Keith who taught me how to fish when I was a teenager. I remember his turkey-terd colored truck pulling up in the driveway, poles hanging out the side. We caught over 50 fish that day. It was as if the fish were being fed to us from a bottomless pit.
It’s a shame he died so young. He was single for so long. He used to tell me he wanted to get married, get some tail, and then go fishing the rest of his life. He got married, got some tail, and then died before he could fish his life away.
I hope heaven is full of fish.
I haven’t caught a damned thing all day.
Love,
Russ
Dear Russ,
Keith says you have always sucked at fishing.
Love,
Diary
Day 16 – Now I Know How Jesus Must Have Felt
Dear Diary,
I woke up this morning with kids on my lawn. Apparently I had promised them a cup-cake party. My girlfriend is moving in soon and she doesn’t like kids. Now is the time for a cup-cake party.
It was fun. We made 48 cupcakes and 8 kids showed up. They didn’t like the picture of the girl with big boobs on the wall. The big deer scared them also. One kid found my rifle. Another took my phone. Now I know why there is a Virgin Mary.
They did like Tubby. He chased them and barked until they gave him a cupcake.
Total count: 40 cupcakes eaten, 12 of which was consumed by Tubby. The other 8 were thrown against the fence. Kids like to watching icing stick to wood apparently.
One of the grandmothers came over and ran the kids home. Said she didn’t know me and that it was not proper for kids to be in my house. The 30 pack of PBR beer in the refrigerator didn’t help my case nor did the one in m hand.
Nor did the big boobed woman on the wall. She ignored the picture of Jesus.
Now I know how Jesus must have felt. God, forgive them, they know not what they do.
Love,
Russ
Dear Russ,
Living alone has its advantages. Kids are not one of them.
Love,
Diary
Day 17 – Rectal Bobsled
Dear Diary,
I have to travel to NYC tomorrow. I always get nervous the day before I travel for work. Ever since I got that panic attack and was hauled off the plane, I have not been the same.
Xanax is helps; three shots of Petra before a flight helps too.
Why does everything feel to be moving very fast? Why does work feel like a constant urge to go to the bathroom break after a night of eating tacos?
Work is a rectal bobsled. There is no way around it. I don’t want to go. I want to stay home.
Love,
Russ
Dear Russ,
Quit eating tacos; same for your job.
Love,
Diary
Day 18 – I Want To Be A Part Of It
Dear Diary,
New York City is cold yet I like the way the city feels; the activity, the variety of life, the constant movement. I want to be a part of it, at least the first few days I’m here. By weeks end, I’m dreaming of my fire-pit and a cookout. You can’t burn a big fire in the city. Too many fire trucks.
I don’t like being in the office at work when life beckons me to join in. Why does my enjoyment have to occur at night? Afternoon delight anyone? No, I have to put my energy towards the betterment of a company so I can make money.
I will never forget those 6 months living in New York in 2007. I didn’t have to pay for anything since I was working on a contract with an expense account. I didn’t even drink. I walked, ran, worked, and played. Life was simpler then. It’s not so simple anymore.
Maybe it’s me and not life? Maybe I’ve changed? I don’t understand but I am only here for one more day so I will try to enjoy it the best I can. It’s hard to soak up a city like New York in one day, let alone one year.
Suzie moves in the day after I get back. I think I will actually participate in the move and not smoke a cigar on the patio like I did last time. I am so selfish it seems.
Love,
Russ
Dear Russ,
Stop reliving your glory days. Make new ones.
Love,
Diary
Day 19 – Crown Room Is Not For Kings
Dear Diary,
I am tired of talking to fellow business travelers in the Delta Crown Room. Everyone here is sucked up into the world of business. It’s crowded in here. I cannot even type this without someone looking over at my screen. I need a smaller Mac.
I ran into some friends from my IBM days. They were busy running around, trying to catch a flight. I prefer to take the latest flight possible. It’s the only way I can slow down everyone elses' schedule. Book a late flight, get to the airport early, relax with a drink or four, and talk to people.
Now I’m tired of talking to people. It’s like parrots. They are all saying the same thing and the plumage isn’t much different. I did see the guy from Seinfeld in there, the fat one. I forgot his name. He was sitting across from me and reading a spiritual book. I guess once the juggernaut of success ran it’s course, he is now able to relax.
I don’t know.
The bartender likes to flirt with everyone. She’s funny. My girlfriend is funnier. Priorities mean something now.
Love,
Russ
Dear Russ,
Don’t talk so much. You annoy them too.
Love,
Diary
Day 20 – I Am Moved By The Movers
Dear Diary,
Suzie moved in today and it was really good fun. After her parents left, we sat down with a big cocktail. I couldn’t see her head on the other side of it the glass was so big. Her parents are fun people. They have more endurance than me and they are in their 70’s. They move around a lot too. The same people who moved her in and out the last 2 times were the same ones moving her in today.
I like Hispanics. I don’t understand them but I have never met a harder working set of people, as a whole. I feel bad about it. I work with my brain and they work with their brain and hands. You have to have a high intelligence to speak Spanish and move a washer upstairs at the same time.
I don’t understand how they remain happy in America either. Maybe Mexico is so bad that anything else is good? I admire their ability to live here, drive here, and work here without anyone giving them a hard time. They are not illegal refugees even if Arizona thinks so. Americans should charge less for their work if someone can do it better for half the price.
It was a good day. New beginnings.
Love,
Russ
Dear Russ,
Begin with the end in mind. Don’t pity others.
Love,
Diary
Day 21 – Dogs and I in Turmoil
Dear Diary,
My routine has been smashed. No more Internet porn at lunch. Can’t just workout when I want to as I am considered selfish if I don’t include her, no matter how different our goals are. I am now on the equivalent of the high fat/zero carb Atkins diet. Pork rinds and sour cream anyone?
Tubby doesn’t understand how to live with another dog either. Can you believe I now have to walk in the back yard and pick up dog poop because it’s not sanitary? What am I supposed to do, woman? Kill all the squirrels and birds so they won’t poop either? Every time Tubby parks his fanny somewhere, either Suzie or myself are close behind with a plastic bag.
I got so tired of picking the poop up, that I put a bunch of lighter fluid on one pile and lit it up with a match. Valuable lesson I learned. Dog poop doesn’t burn.
Tubby is constipated now and scared to poop.
I don’t understand women, but I do understand dogs. They need to be free to poop and admire it the next day.
And since Suzie doesn’t like my dog pacing around the house so much, he’s now on a pill cocktail to “calm his nerves.” 7 PM, he gets cheese, crackers, and 1 mg of Xanax. By 8 PM, he’s sleeping upside down.
“It’s calm and relaxing now” she says.
I’d take alone, somewhat productive, and a bit of chaos to be honest.
Love,
Russ
Dear Russ,
Xanax isn’t just for nervous dogs. Suzie might need it too.
Love,
Diary
Day 22 – My New Motto
Dear Diary,
I have figured out that until I can be doing what I love, I’m going to drink my way through that which I don’t.
Work has become very fun right now.
Oddly enough, after my firm resolution to put God to the test by drinking myself into a coma or into a new life, 2 other companies are considering me for positions better than the one I have. Two in one day? What are the odds? Go figure. I hope they carry a mini-bar in the office. I’m loving my lunchtime Jack and Cokes.
The only downside to drinking while working is that I have to hit the mute button on conference calls so they won’t hear the ice rattling against the glass. It reminds of that time, early in my career, when I was on a conference call with a big customer while hunting. I shot that deer with my rifle and it rattled the phone to the floorboard of my truck. I still hear about that today…”we thought it was a bomb going off.”
Where I’m from, that’s everyday routine. My dad shot a deer sitting on the toilet. Oh well. I miss Mom, Dad, and homemade casserole.
Love,
Russ
Dear Russ,
God loves booze too. Loves you more. Hang in there.
Love,
Diary
Day 23 – Yet Another Car
Dear Diary,
It never fails. The minute I backed into Suzie’s car, I realized it was time for her to get a new one. I hate getting anything repaired. I’d rather scrap it up and call it a day. I managed to get a 2011 Honda Element from the dealership up the road. This car is pretty neat…it’s like driving a coffin minus the funeral procession.
We called Honda and told them they could either take her old car, along with the existing loan, or we’d just leave it on the side of the road for the cops to impound. That’s the funny thing about big companies. They don’t want the hassle.
They are going to pick it up tomorrow in the parking lot at Kroger. They don’t want to make house visits. Maybe we were too forceful? Did I mention I like to hunt?
They did mention it would screw her credit up.
That’s fine though. I know how to fix screwed up credit.
It’s call money.
She loves her new car. I plan on getting some sex tonight. Maybe even in the back of the new Element?
Life is pretty damned good.
Love,
Russ
Dear Russ,
Even accidents are part of the design.
Love,
Diary
Day 24 – They Don’t Make God Like They Used To
Dear Diary,
For some reason, I have thought about Brother Stan from the Baptist Church I grew up in. I don’t know why. His name and face keep running through my head. I can still hear him now…
“Now, careful with that country music you boys listen to. The Devil is in that music.”
I don’t think Garth Brooks would agree but, then again, he did have friends in low places.
I remembered all those summer trips we took, doing mission work for the “cause”, and having some really good times. Brother Stan was the size of a linebacker and was a former banker. He became a Youth Minister because he loved teenagers. Unfortunately, his wife loved another woman and he had to get divorced.
I wish he could have found a way to work that situation to his advantage.
The Baptists church dismissed him of his duties and I have no idea where he is at now. But I hope he’s happy. What a good man, even if he didn’t like country music.
His God was simple; love, acceptance, and happiness.
Who stole that God? They don’t make one like that anymore.
Love,
Russ
Dear Russ,
God isn’t in a good mood. God is a good mood. Stan did try to work a threesome with his wife’s girlfriend, by the way.
Love,
Diary
Day 25 – Where Two Or More Women Gather
Dear Diary,
Suzie had her friend Lisa over tonight. I learned a long long time ago that what a woman says and what she really thinks are two entirely different things. Often times, it takes two women gathered together for the truth to come out. Over a game of Uno, I found out some things I didn’t want to know.
It didn’t occur to me that this life lesson also holds true for my girlfriend.
I won’t get into details here as it’s material I am scared to write. But, let’s just say, that women hide things. Even a Sunday School teacher has done things that would make most porn stars nod their head with delight.
Seems that my girlfriends’ family owns a bunch of “clubs” in the United States and in other countries. Not normal clubs, mind you. Not “let’s get together and read the Bible” clubs either. Not even dance clubs. No, her family owns “open sex” clubs and resorts for swingers.
I didn’t know what a swinger was until she told me. I thought they were actors at the circus or something.
This does help me out though. It means I cannot tell her about that trip to Moscow a few years back and all the erotically forbidden things I did to the beautiful female population under the guise of a dumb American.
And when I do tell her about it, well, I can smile the entire time, as she cannot say shit!
Love,
Russ
Dear Russ,
She’s not lying. She’s giving you clues dumb ass.
Love,
Diary
Day 26 – Drinking Ain’t All That Bad
Dear Diary,
I’ll be honest here: I’m putting down some serious quantities of liquor over the last few days. Luckily, there is a cold front moving through Georgia so I don’t feel guilty about not exercising so much. The dogs are not amused however. They sit by my chair and stare at me all day, wondering if they can try a sip of that juicy concoction that keeps me clear headed as I fight the boredom of my job.
Looking back at my career in drinking, I can easily say I’ve done some of my most amazing things with a drink in my hand. I lost my virginity with a Bud Light can in my left hand while my right hand was trying to keep her from falling off the tailgate of my truck. I sold a $550,000 deal from my home while I was taking shots of Crown and talking into the phone. I even painted the outside of my house drunker than most professional painters. Although, I freely admit, the choice of pastel blue for a color didn’t sit well in the subdivision.
I don’t know, I guess I feel guilty about the fact that I don’t feel guilty about drinking right now. I still feel connected with life, others, and myself. What’s so wrong with some medicine while I sort through some of the ever-changing details of my life?
Mom and Dad wouldn’t be proud however.
Neither would Jesus.
Granted, with Jesus, I would have never gotten laid either.
Love,
Russ
Dear Russ,
God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy. Enjoy. There is a time for everything.
Love,
Diary
Day 27 – Home Shopping Done Right
Dear Diary,
I got a bonus today. They are about three years behind by my clock but I guess it doesn’t matter. It’s time to shop.
The fun thing about shopping is that I can sit on the couch, wearing only ankle socks and a pair of boxers, and buy thousands of dollars of merchandise without doing anything but clicking and typing.
I bought a cool orange and tan couch that reminds me of the TV series “That 70’s Show” along with some cool sliding doors that I can use to keep the dogs from pissing in the dining room. I found a cool picture of a woman, with handcuffs behind her back, for the bedroom.
After that open sex club discovery a few nights ago, Suzie cannot say anything about the painting.
I got some new fishing rods coming in along with a selection of lures that will enable me to catch fish from here to Canada. I managed to find a special on speakers that will let me grill while I listen to country music. Of course, that means I had to buy a grill along with the speakers so I had a reason to be outside and listen to music.
Unfortunately, I cannot buy booze on the Internet.
That’s okay though. They will deliver if you tip them enough.
Love,
Russ
Dear Russ,
You can never complain about anything ever again.
Love,
Diary
Day 28 – I Think I Have Had Too Much To Drink
Dear Diary,
I could have sworn I saw monkeys sitting on my backyard fence today. Then again, I was in the prone position when I saw them. Maybe it was just a squirrel.
There are rules when you drink. I forgot them. I’d like to remind myself here if I could:
1 – If you are going to drink before noon, don’t tell anyone.
2 – The reason for point number 1 is that if you have a drink before noon, it will continue beyond noon
3 – Don’t text people you have not heard from in over 6 months
4 – Now is not the time to profess your love to your girlfriend
5 – Do not order food
6 – Don’t pray to God. God does answer prayers and drunk prayers are some seriously scary prayers.
I guess the next one explains what happened in the back yard today…
7 – Don’t try to chase birds. You will fall down. You will look up. And you will see monkeys on your backyard fence.
Love,
Russ
Dear Russ,
You forgot number 8. Don’t drink that early in the day to begin with.
Love,
Diary
Day 29 – Getting Published Is Hard Work
Dear Diary,
I keep telling myself that God doesn’t call the qualified but qualifies the called. I know what I’m meant to do with my life but I get tired of the rejection letters. It reminds me of highschool and the prom.
“Will you love me, just for one night?”
“No dipshit. The answer, yet again, is no!”
I have tried everything. I have written so much. What I like isn’t what everyone else likes apparently. Every agent wants me to write business books or sales books or dumb-boring-shit books.
I would rather spend my time cutting the hair off a 7-day-old cat terd than that. I write enough business stuff for work. I want something different. And I don’t want to send a stupid self-addressed stamped envelope to those idiots anymore. Get with the program. It’s 2011, not the Pony Express days of the 1800’s.
I guess I’ll do what my Daddy always told me to do…
“When the chips are down and you are staring misfortune in your face, go shoot your gun in the sky and know, even though you cannot see it, the bullet will land somewhere. Just hope and pray no one gets hurt when it lands.”
Yeah, I will keep on shooting manuscripts into the sky. They are likely to land somewhere.
Love,
Russ
Dear Russ,
Again, you forgot number 8. Don’t drink that early in the day to begin with. Stop your whining. Gravity works and people will be irritated.
Love,
Diary
Day 30 – The Day the Writing Stopped
Dear Diary,
I’ve been thinking…maybe there is more to this Diary writing than I first realized. My life has always been a slow crawl when I’ve just sat in my own shit. But when I’ve gotten honest, even if it’s nothing more than a Diary, life starts to move.
Maybe that’s what I needed this last month of tremendous change and movement. I needed an outlet. I guess getting meningitis wasn’t such a bad start after all. So much good has happened.
But, I need to stop this conversing with you, my Diary.
I’m questioning my manhood writing like this. I’m not a teenager anymore and I think I should put my pen down for a while. I will miss writing to you. The last month has been something out of the ordinary to say the least.
One thing has been bothering me though. Will you still write to me even when I don’t write to you?
Love,
Russ
Dear Russ,
Certainly.
Love,
God.
Impressum
Tag der Veröffentlichung: 31.03.2011
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