Jamie was awakened by the annoying sound of her mobile. It wasn’t her alarm. It was too late for an alarm and Jamie had turned it off a couple of hours before. As she opened her eyes, she realized she was hung over. Her hair had the distinct smell of continuous exposure to cigarette smoke, her head was full of enormous mice and ants that decided to have a very loud debate. She just wanted to go back to sleep and let her body recover from all the self-abuses from last night. She opened one eye to check out who dared disturb her slumber. As soon as she saw the words on the small screen, she jumped out of bed. Her phone fell to the ground. As the light was dying out, the words “I fucking need you” were visible. She knew there could be only one person, only one man capable of such words. She knew where she could find him and in what state. She could only hope she could get there in time. Jamie picked up the t-shirt and jeans from last night, her leather jacket and black, dirty boots, looked around for her keys and closed the door as she left. Those words, those four simple words made her mind go blank. She didn’t want to care, she didn’t want to react to his whims, she didn’t want to still have feeling somewhere in a dark corner of her being for him. She wanted to be detached and aloof, indifferent to his lethal nature and his toxic influence. She wanted to be free.
   She reached the bar and opened the door. The smoke was so thick and black that she barely managed to make out his silhouette. She sat down at his table. He was surrounded by empty bottles of beer.
   "How long have you been drinking?" asked Jamie.
   She was talking to a tall man, blond hair that looked like it hadn’t been washed in over a week, black eyes that were staring at something that was not quite there and a crooked smile that could charm the pants off anyone. He had a dirty blackish t-shirt, ripped jeans and somewhere on the floor there was his leather jacket.
   "You know what I discovered since we broke up?" said the man.
   "Oh, you’re doing that thing again where you just ignore me and continue with your monolog. I am going to amuse you. What?" responded Jamie.
  "Well I don't feel better when I'm fucking around," said the man, laughing. That kind of sad laugh that is surrounded by a painful truth. 

Jamey looked at him stunned. They broke up because they both wanted more freedom. She wanted the freedom to write and he wanted the freedom to defile every moving female in sight. She laughed as well and grabbed the beer from the table.
   "Well, do you want to know what I discovered since we broke up. I’m unhappy. And I don't write better when I'm stuck in the ground," said Jamie laughing. A very bitter laugh, as she admitted to herself that her poison was her only path to peace.
   "You shouldn’t have told me that. You should have said that you felt exhilarated to finally be alone and that dumping me was the best thing you ever did. That’s what you should have said. You shouldn’t have given me hope."
   "Why did you call me? This could never work. We tried. We tried too many times and we both know how much we suffered because of each other," said Jamie.
   "I know. So don't teach me a lesson cause I've already learned. With every lesson I just fall a bit further into my abyss. But I don’t want to give up on those glimpses of happiness we had together. Remember?" said the man and took Jamie’s hand. "Do you remember how happy we were? How can we get that back?"

Jamie withdrew her hand. She reached for his cigarettes on the table. She lit one and took a long drag. She heard it all before. His lies were like a broken record.
   "We can have it all this time. We can make it better and have our happy ending. Give me another chance."
   "Everything will be rainbows and butterflies, summers and no rains?" asked Jamie without looking at him.
   "Yeah the sun will be shining."

"And my children will burn," continued Jamie,"just like the last time. Just like every single fucking time."

There were no other clients in the bar. The room was quite. The only disturbance was a distant song played in the background.
   "Oh the heart beats in its cage”

"Look. You have to understand," said Jamie " I don't want what you want. I don't feel what you feel. I barely got up from the last time we broke up. I can’t handle loosing you again. I don’t have the strength anymore. I love you. But I love myself more."

"I hate you. You drive me crazy and I want to kill you sometimes but I can’t do this without you. I fell so out of place. Like I'm stuck in a city but I belong in a field," said the blond man. "I don’t know if I make much sense. I a bit drunk you see." 

"I know how you fell. We’re of the same kind. That’s why we can’t be together. I sometimes fell like someday it might all work out, but not today. Yeah we got left behind. But think about it, please. Think about all the fights, all the screams and tears, all the silences and all the harsh words. Think about those and I believe that is enough for you to see it my way."

"I’m feed up of telling myself 'now it's three in the morning and you're eating alone'. You always were the only one I wanted there with me when my demons start barking at me."

Jamie was silent.
   “Oh the heart beats in its cage.”

"You know,all our friends, they're laughing at us. They’re laughing because they see how we eat each other alive and tear each other apart," finally said Jamie. 

"I know. I don’t care what they say. They don’t know anything about us. I know myself and I know you. It’s enough."
   "They also told me something else. Something that shattered my glass. They told me that all of those you loved you mistrust. And I think they’re right. You always questioned my judgment or my motives. I never knew were you where when I couldn't see you in front of me. I could always count on you to let me down." 

The man stared at Jamie. He knew she was right. He started crying softly. Maybe because of the truth in Jamie’s words maybe because of the alcohol in his system.

"Help me I'm just not quite myself," said the man, looking at Jamie. "I can’t handle myself alone anymore. I fucking need you." 

"I know. That’s why I came here. All my instincts told me to stay home, stay in bed and let you die like a dog. But I couldn’t. Why did you call me? Why do you enjoy torturing me this way?" asked Jamie.
   "Look around there's no one else left,"said the man, almost screaming.

When he turned his face, Jamie could see his painful bruise.

"What happened to you?" 

"Yesterday was the Strokes concert. Remember, we said we’d go together?"

"Yes. But I couldn’t go. I had to go to work."

"I went to the concert and I fought through the crowd. Guess I got too excited when I thought you were around."

"You shouldn’t have told me that. You should have told me you got in a fight over a bottle of whiskey. Or over a dumb girl. But not that. Stop showing me you still care in some sick way for me. Before I can get out of your life I need to know I am out of yours," said Jamie.

"I don’t believe you will ever be" said the man.

They were both lost for words. 

“Oh he gets left, left, left, left, left, left, left”

"I'm sorry you were thinking I would steal your fire,"said the man "I wanted to see you thrive but by my side." 

"I can’t do that. You know I can’t. Please understand."

Jamie got up. She put on her jacket and turned to the door, without looking back.

“The heart beats in its cage

Yes the heart beats in its cage,”said the song in the background. 

"Alright,"said the man to himself. He got up, grabbed the jacket from the floor and left the bar. As soon as he opened the door, he knew his time was done. 

"And the heart beats in its cage," he thought. 

Impressum

Tag der Veröffentlichung: 04.06.2012

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