He is beauty

 

 

He is the sun that spins my frozen world.

He is the ink in my pen that had never written.

He is the bright light that shines upon my soul giving it new life and hope,

Though no man will ever know it, including himself.

 

And to his beauty,

Although any word I write will never do justice to his features.

His lips hush my trembling heart.

His voice echoes in my lonely ears.

He eyes reach into the soul that I thought no man could touch.

 

His beauty tells me that my soul may not always be alone.

His beauty whispers promises of a time when I will not have to face this life unaided.

His beauty is the wings that hold my heart,

Out of dark depression of my soul.

 

However those who I keep company with tell me he is not beauty.

They point out flaw my eyes will never see.

But if they see not his beauty

Then what must they think of me in comparison?

For if I was to compare his beauty to my own, I would the monster meant for the night

 So that no human eye may look upon me.

I would be the child parents used to stone out of fear.

 

But they tell me fear not,

For it is what makes me myself that is beautiful not my physical appearance.

And I suppose they mean my soul.

But if they had even caught the slightest glimpse of my true soul there’s would shrivel away to nothing.

For I know my soul,

I have spent thousands of lonely hours in the place where my soul resides.

I have seen the horrors my soul delights in.

I know the monster my soul wishes me to be.

But his beauty helps me fight that monster,

That would consume me given the smallest of chances.

 

So I have decided to believe in his beauty.

For all people of this world, including myself, know not beauty.

Their own eyes and heart lie to them, spinning tales that could never be true.

So I will see beauty where I please.

And tell me not you’re idea of beauty for I care not what lies your eyes have seen.

Instead I will be content in the lies my own eyes see,

That he is beauty.

Me In The Mirror

 

Recently I have been looking in the mirror

I find myself wondering who this girl is

She looks so much like me

But also completely different       

 

‘When did you become this stranger?’

I ask looking into the blue eyes staring back at me

She doesn’t respond with words

 But replies with the same degusted look I give her

 

I still see all the things I hated about myself

But now all the things I used to love are also gone

Replaced with even more reasons to hate the reflection

 

I often wonder if she is a different person stuck in the mirror

Maybe she has the personality to match her feature

Or maybe she is the girl I wish I could be

Moving On

 

I think I have found someone new

Who I hope will treat me better then you ever did

All that is left for me to do is to forget you

And I think I am doing a commendable job

 

I can barely remember the way your jacket smelled

On cold winter nights

Or the way that you smiled

When we would get into fights

 

The way you laughed has faded

And you almost never cross my mind anymore

 

But the truth is the scars you left on me will always remain

My Explanation

 

You don't understand.

I don't have to be emotional to hate myself.

I can smile at everyone and still be depressed.

 

You don't understand because you're not broken.

I realize that I am both loved and accepted,

 

But I still want to kill myself.

My Knight

 

You are my shimmering shinning glowing knight

How you are everything I have ever needed.

Oh but the cruel Ironies of this life, for he is my all

But he is everything that would wish to cause me pain.

 

His eyes tell me he will never look upon me with love.

His fingers scream that they will never touch me tenderly

His arms cry of an emptiness I will never fill

His lips taunt me with sweet word that will never be fulfilled.

 

But even with you knowing all that you still flaunt yourself before me

And you expect me to love you even though I know we will never be

So even though everything tells me to love you

Why do I so strongly wish I didn’t?

 

I still search for that knightly golden heart

Hidden somewhere under you many tautens.

On Falling in Love

 

When I first saw you I adverted my eyes

Instead of enjoying your beauty I looked upon my plain shoe

All my usual clever quips were stuck in my throat

So I stood there in silence

That was the instant I knew I would someday love you

 

I kept telling myself ‘Say something’

But I didn’t, instead I withered into myself

My own little private bubble

That I prayed you wouldn’t break

 

I heard another describe me as “Fiery”

But I just stood there feeling ashamed of who I was

Knowing you would judge every word that I uttered

So I said nothing, knowing I would never live up

To any girl you had ever wanted or dreamed about

 

At first I hated you for being someone I wanted

How I loathed ever word you voiced

And felt nothing but mortified every time your attention shined on me

I wondered if in those moments you were studding my imperfections

 

But you eventually popped my bubble

Just as I always knew you would

Being exposed to you was almost unbearable

I longed to return to my created world

 

You pulled my out, holding my hand the entire time

How could I not fall for you?

You were my dream, everything I had ever wanted

The first time you showed me the slightest kindness

My heart gushed with joy

 

For in my mind I had turned you into a monster

Saying you were the lowest life form imaginable

But my heart knew all the illusions

 That my brain had created were false

 

Every moment of my day I hope I will get a glimpse of you

The sound of your voice echoes in my head

Every kind word you say only makes me want you more

Maybe I was right to hate you

For you are entirely more than I deserve

 

I wear a token on my hand

 To remind me that you are not everything this world has to offer

But in your presence nothing else matter

I use every chance I have to learn more about you

 

You are much too quickly becoming my new world

Now I long for your attention,

To consume every second of your time, it is selfish, I know

However I have nothing else

 But the hope you will someday say something sweet to me

 

My mind knows it is unfair to blame you

I have done this to myself

And unfortunately for you

I am unsure if it is better to love or hate you

Eventually my affection for you will run amuck

 

My brain will no longer be able to control me

And I will let my wild emotions ruin me

But until that day I will love you

On Heartbreak

 

When I first learned how you truly felt about me

My empty chest was filled with sadness

 

I had always hoped and dreamed that you loved me

That you couldn’t live without me, just like I can’t without you

 

And To be entirely honest with you

I preferred not knowing that you couldn’t love me

 

Before I knew I was able to sleep soundly dreaming of you

Now I am always awake and in pain

 

Before I would hang on your ever word

Now I cry when I remember the sound of your voice

 

Before my heart was frozen but my love for you broke that ice

And this new pain in my heart refuses to subside

On Internal Thoughts

 

I want others to see and understand the same things I do.

But is it right to want them to see the unrest and pain I see?

Especially if that means they will end up as miserable as me?

What if I told others to close their eyes?

 Would they stay purely innocent of how this world really is?

What if I kept them from seeing the truth?

Which I have learned to despise.

Would it make a difference?

Would that make me a better person?

Saving one innocent soul.

 Or would they be just as ignorant as I believe the rest of the world to be?

Could I actually help people?

            or would I become the one corrupting them?

 

But Why not?

Do people really deserve the right to decide for themselves?

Especially when they don’t care about the outcome?

            Why should those who want to remain innocently ignorant

 be trouble by those who don’t?

            And why should they be giving a choice if they only end up hurting themselves?

 

But then again maybe I really am the foolish one.

            What if everyone already sees is it?

            What If I am the only one that simply cares?

Do others share my cluttered mind and thoughts?

Is anyone else as desperate for the truth as I am?

Do they feel alone and scared, or are they strong and determined?

Maybe, like me, they don’t really know what to feel?

I shout “Where is our proof?”

 But then where is our answer?

But then why even write?

Will I ever hear any reply?

No.

            This world is cold, hurtful, deceiving, and a liar.

           

But is this society, or is this crazy?

Then again I believe we have become accustom to crazy.

It is like a home we run to.

And no matter how much we hate it;

Crazy is familiar, warm, and safe.

And when we no longer need it, it is thrown to the side.

And like a good parent no matter how far we try to run Crazy will always find us.

It finds us in our weakest state and begs for control.

And we give it control, because secretly we all long for a little Craziness.

 

However is it a secret if I know?

            And if I tell you is it still a secret?

            I suppose it isn’t.

You just refuse to see it.

On Irony

 

We can sit on the sidewalk

Just to two of us

And watch birds bath in a puddle

 

You turn to me and say

Society may have destroyed the trees that these birds lived in

But at least they have a nice birdbath now.

 

And I laugh

Not because I think you're funny

But because I find more hilarity in life's little ironies than in you

 

You tell me you think the birds are beautiful

And you could watch them all day

You love the way the water ripples as they splash

 

However there are many things you don't care for

 Like the flies buzzing around the garbage can next to us

Or the ant I just blew off your arm

 

You also hate my dirty nails

And the way I look before I cry

And my curly hair

On Loved Ones Leaving

 

 

“I will come back.” You tell me

You swear “We will always be together.”

You reach out to comfort but I pull away

You continue repeating other unoriginal lines

That, frankly, I have heard many times before

 

I’m not angry anymore, neither am I sad

I have seen many others leave before you

Just as I will meet someone else when you’re gone

When they leave they will recite the same used lines as you do now

 

Maybe you will actually come back, but I doubt it

For it would be a first time it has ever happened

And even if you come back you will never be the person I know now

For I would never forget that you left me

 

But fret not for I will think of you nostalgically

I will tell the next one I meet stories of us

But they will be romanticized and unrealistic

And in the end you will just fade into memory

 

You will become another reminder that I should not become attached

 Especially to things that are meant to last a lifetime

On My Hopes For Others

I hope that one day you will find someone who listens to you

They will be there to comfort you when you’re hurt

Console you when your courage has failed

They will never feel like you are burdening them

And they will never forsake you

 

I hope that one day you can rise in the morning

Without feeling like the world is conspiring against you

And you don’t long to return to your dreams

For your waking life is much better than any fantasy,

Your subconscious could derive in blissful slumber

And your nightmares are no longer commonplace

 

I hope one day you will not feel like you need to cry anymore

That your life is filled with such joys your heart swells

 And tears are forced to become nothing more than a memory

The only weeping you will do is that out of gladness

 

I hope that one day you will find a place for yourself

Where you no longer feel like you need to prove anything

That you are safe and content in everything you do

You no longer hunger for the pointless attention of outsiders

And you feel comfortable in your own skin.

 

I hope that one day you will not think of your end

You will not wonder on what swift wing it comes

Or pray for Death’s cold touch to sweep you from this colder world.

That you will not think of committing an unpardonable sin

 

I hope that one day you will forgive others

You will forget the cruel torments of people

That you will absolve your hatred towards society

That you will pardon the coldness of those clamming to love you.

 

And most of all I hope that one day you can accept yourself

You will forgive yourself for everything others have long ago

You will see yourself as the beautiful creation of fate that you are

You will no longer think that you do not deserve to be loved

And you will find happiness in this world

 

Because you are worthy of that

On The Pain Of Other

‘Oh my dear sweet angel.

Dare not to cry

For you are the sweets apple ever seen in my eye.’

 

 I tell you as you bite your lip,

Feel your chin quiver,

And harden your cheeks for the inevitable tears.

 

I whisper quietly as the wind into your ears.

‘Everything will be alright

And all is as it should be.’

 

Whether either of us truly believe what I say is irrelevant.

Because it is a lie

So I will continue to try

 

But regardless of my efforts you will always cry.

How could you not?

How can you possible stop the flow of clear crystals down your cheeks?

 

For you have swallowed a dangerous mixture of lies and hopes.

You will always drink the glass of promises life gives you with gratitude.

Then curse life for its cruel tortures.

But fret not my love

For just as you continuously drink the cup of suffering

I will always be here to watch your pain.

On Villians

 

How do you know when you’ve become the villain?

 

Is it when you realize you’re a monster?

Or when you start to enjoy being a monster?

 

Is it when you see that no one notices you?

Or when you appreciate that you don’t care?

 

Is it when you see that your core is corrupted?

Or when grasp the evil within you?

 

Is it when others say you’ve lost your way?

Or when your heart is broken beyond repair?

 

Is it when you feel a fiend inside you?

Or when you let your demon take over?

On The Pain Of Heartbreak

 

Why are you so afraid of being hurt?

You would never let anyone get close to you.

 

You won’t let anyone hold your hand,

And they will never even touch your heart.

 

Is it because you fear the cold sting of loneliness,

Or the desolation in the words of rejection.

 

Oh but I know pain,

And I welcome it.

 

I know the sting of the wind against my heart once it has been ripped from my chest.

And I know how a few small words can completely destroy me.

 

So my dear, when you are alone tonight, Basking in your self-hatred.

Remember that you are the one who pushed us away,

You are the one who cut ties with everyone.

 

You will not cry,

you will not speak,

You will sit and feel nothing but emptiness.

 

Tonight I will also be alone,

And I will wallow in all my broken hearts.

 

I will cry over ever kiss and touch,

I will feel the heartbreak as if for the first time.

 

But I think it is better this way,

For I would much rather re-live every miserable moment,

Then feel nothing at all, like you.

On Worthlessness

 

On most days I don’t feel anything

On better days I feel tired

I feel absent of my ability to love

I feel blockaded into my body

 

But this is how I have been made

I wasn’t always this broken

But then again neither were you

 

I know how fragile you feel

I know to what thinness others have pulled you

How you stand behind your sins

How you cling to yourself just for something to hold on to

 

We are both the product and the cause

We are two different breeds of the same monster

Both mutated in dissimilar ways

 

However while you grasp for anything

I let go of everything that ever might have mattered to me

And unfortunately that is how I know what will become of us

For you my dear friend are searching for acceptance

 

And when no one cares about you anymore

You will be left with nothing else but me

And because in my nature I am unable to love anything, even you

 

You will be forced to love and appreciate yourself

Which we both know goes against your nature

And eventually your feelings of helplessness will overcome you

 

And unfortunately for you

I find wholeness in is destroying everything I should love

And you will be pulled so thin you disappear entirely

On Self-Hatred

 

I know my issues are all in my head

The hatred I have for every word I utter

The imperfections I see staring at me in the mirror

The judgments I pass on my behavior

 

I am sure that you feel the same way about me.

You hate me the way I hate me

You see my ugliness that is covered with heavy makeup

You ridicule my every action.

 

I know my self-hatred is in my head

But that doesn’t mean it isn’t true.

On Walls

 

We build walls around our souls

Everyone’s wall is unique

Some are to protect against heartbreak

Some stave off our loneliness

And some guard us from our own self destructive nature

 

Unfortunately all our walls share the same flaw

Yes they do defend us from all pain

But they also blockade all joys we would otherwise experience

 

Fret not for one day every wall we have set will crumble

Yes it will hurt and we will know pain like never before

We will scream and thrash in our bed

Plead with our unknown maker to deliver us

And we will find new devices to keep our pain away

On You

 

Hello

If you are reading this

we have probably never met

I wish I had met you,

I wish I will still meet you

 

I hope we could’ve had inside jokes

            That we would laugh at endlessly

I hope we could have cried together

            Knowing that someone had the same pain

I hoped we could have shared our darkest dreams

            Confiding our biggest fears to someone trustworthy

Sharing a bond far stronger than any sibling

 

I wish I could spend endless hours learning about you

Knowing exactly how you feel;

When the first tear drops form your eye

When you are reunited with a loved one

When the moment you realize your heart is broken

When you turn to face the demons you created

 

I wish I know;

            The turn in your voice giving away your true emotions

            Your favorite part of the sunset

            What you would name your daughter

            How you feel about dancing in the rain

 

However Form the moment you started reading this

Nothing you have ever done before matters

And anything you will do after is meaningless to me

Form the second your eyes laid upon this

I have loved, I will always love you

 

In my eyes you are the person I have written about;

            You are the Boy I think is beautiful

            You are the person Feeling pain and frustration

            You are the one who teases and longs for Death

            You are the knight I love and have created

 

And these poems are for you;

            You are the one is pain

            These are my hopes for you

            You are the one who sees the villain in themselves

 

Who you are is irrelevant

What you have done is a throwaway

For I shall never know you

And this saddens me greatly

Knowing that the only connection we will ever share

Is this one small poem

 

But I wish more than the best for you

I wish everything for you

I would pull down the moon if it was in my power

For I will always love you.

Impressum

Tag der Veröffentlichung: 04.03.2015

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