Dedication
"Dedicated to the brilliant vegetarian cheese croquettes with spaetzle that we had at the youth camps back then...I will always have fond memories of you" - Mattis Lundqvist
An important serious note
Despite all the nonsense that follows, the recipes themselves ARE coherent and work. It's hard to believe: they even taste good - after all, my wife tried some of them out herself during her student days.
All satirical, cynical and other formulations are not intended to distract from the fact that the dishes can be prepared in exactly the same way.
I hope that you, dear reader, can even take away some ideas and have to smile a time or two, because – to be honest: who hasn't desperately needed a hangover breakfast at three in the morning after a long night of partying, and then reached for the kettle to make instant noodles, for example?
Exactly.
This book is an appeal for more pragmatism and less "bling-bling" in the kitchen. Quinoa, cranberries and juice smoothie deluxe or all the new-fangled ingredients and dishes are thrown at us every day. All kinds of stuff are overrated and loaded with meaning and sometimes religious-like beliefs. But the kitchen should be a place for everyone, because as the saying goes: the best parties are held in the kitchen.
Especially those who are often under time pressure (professionals) or whose budget is limited (trainees, students, low-income earners) may even take a serious look at one or two ideas here and say to themselves "not bad at all". This is deliberate - delicious and good food does not have to be expensive or take a long time. Notwithstanding this, it should of course be clear that some of the following "dishes", such as ready-to-eat pizza, are more of an entertainment than a culinary recommendation.
It's time to fight back - with dishes so banal but tasty at the same time that it almost hurts again. Let's go!
Greetings,
Mattis and Martha Lundqvist
PS: The book is satire. We hope that this has become more than clear. After all, misunderstandings may otherwise arise. T
Unnecessary disclaimer
No animals have been harmed in any experiments or trials in the making of this book.
We also don't know whether chicken or egg came first.
As far as we know, this work does not serve any terrorist activities, unless you count "kitchen terror" in a very strict sense. In this respect, you have nothing to fear from state institutions when using this book.
We can't help it if the cardboard packaging of the print edition is totally twisted. Hey, complain to the delivery service, not to the author. Thank you!
Time and again, people complain that the electronic edition of a book has "no table of contents". Yes, it does - according to the "standard", which is required by publishers and eBook distributors (those helpers who bring the book to the market). For example, on a Kindle: In the open book, click on the top left so that the great control bar appears. Then click on this symbol with the three bars. This usually opens a menu on the left that says something like "About the book", "Title page" etc. Swipe down to "Table of contents". Click it. That's it.
"But there are books that have one of these directly in the book at the beginning." True - but only if you supply a very specific supplier (the one with the capital A). Since this book is available everywhere (because the good news has to be spread), we have to adhere to the generally valid rules for technical reasons, even if we wanted to do it otherwise. Please do not misunderstand: This is not a bad criticism. It's just like shouting at a stranger on the street because they happen to look like your idiotic EX.
Every now and then readers get annoyed why there are no pictures in recipe books - like this one. Honestly? We could talk about the "high costs" of production and layout when using pictures, which make writing unprofitable (we don't live on thin air alone) - but that's not YOUR problem - it's OURS. So to shamelessly pull you over to our side, we simply offer the book at a lower price in return! Crazy, isn't it?
What you could seriously think about, however, if you absolutely always want pictures - and this is meant completely seriously:
Do the dishes in the pictures look like yours when you cook them?
Do the pictures always match the dish?
Do the pictures justify the extra charge?
Do you know what tricks food stylists use to make the food in the pictures not EATABLE AT ALL?
Exactly.
Admittedly: A beginners' guide on the subject of "baking with the oven" should definitely have pictures. It doesn't make sense, for example, for a repair manual NOT to have pictures in it; after all, you want to see the steps if you've never done it before. But why you have to SHOW an experienced housewife (or a house-husband) with pictures how spaghetti bolognese looks like in the end...
...besides, half the fun of this book would disappear if you knew right away what was behind each recipe.
Before you start - important kitchen equipment and tools
On our culinary journey of shame through the world of cooking, we naturally need some utensils.
Oven:
Before the "one-pot" wave of easy cooking swept the world, people have been putting everything on a tray, stirring it if necessary, and then preparing it. They did this for many years. The oven is the ideal appliance for whipping up something delicious quickly yet easily, without having to stand next to it the whole time. Simply put it in the oven, set the timer - and you're done. It's obvious why the oven (and many ready-made meals) is very popular with young people, who use it to prepare "food" of questionable quality so that they don't have to miss a second in front of the screen (MMOs, shooters, TV). Some people also enjoy being able to do something else at the same time (iron the laundry, relax, read a book), while the dish prepares itself.
Cooker/Hearth:
Of course, the classic must not be missing. A pot or pan plus a cooker are part of any kitchen. Even the cheapest camping cooker is better than no cooker. It is THE foundation par excellence of a good cuisine. Whether gas, electric or induction: anyone who does not honour the cooker is not worthy of being the kitchen.
Mixer:
In the "old days", when we were still young, it wasn't called a "smoothie", but "Dude, keep your hands off the blender – one does not play with food". Oh how wonderfully innocent those youthful days were, when you still pushed fruit and vegetables into the blender with absolutely no plan and pressed the legendary "blend"-button. This has continued to this day, and many smoothie recipes are certainly the result of kids fooling around.
Kettle/Water Boiler:
Without it, making coffee would have been very unpleasant, especially in earlier times (i.e. back when there were no pad machines and mobile phones were only for sending text messages and making phone calls). Tea lovers also love this device. In addition, there is a small, conspiratorial community that - mostly in the student dormitory - has come to appreciate the...versatility...of this wonderful tool.
Steamer:
The appliance doesn't cost much and yet you can cook very healthy and low-fat food in it. So much for the obvious advantages. We are much more interested here in the fact that you can dump in all the ingredients and then just press the button. Exactly what lazy cooks and anti-cooking friends need. The special thing about it is that you can continue to talk about how you cook "totally fat-free" and "totally mega healthy", while the cooking genius in the neighbourhood struggles with "totally glutenous and unhealthy" stuff that has to be prepared with all kinds of pots and utensils.
Pots:
Self-explanatory, isn't it? When you cook, the stuff has to go in somewhere. Very resourceful people buy pots in different sizes. Some also do so in order to delay the inevitable rinsing process as much as possible with replacement pots. This has the funny side effect that the food residues have plenty of time to dry out, so that the cleaning process requires all the more love and attention. Ideal for annoying family members or flatmates to the maximum.
Fridge:
Actually, it's obvious, unless you live in the mountains and it's January. In winter months, the balcony can generally also be used as an air-conditioned freezer. That saves electricity costs.
Spiral cutter/Spiral Slicer:
The show-off device par excellence. Just buy the cheapest one at the local supermarket. Everything will suddenly look really delicious. In dating guides for men, it is now prominently mentioned as an essential tool in one's own single-guy kitchen, so that the female (or male) to be dated will be maximally impressed. And why? Rightly so! Spiral cut food is awesome! After all, back then I impressed my wife with beautifully spiralised food at our first meeting in my flat - result: she left the food and rather devoted herself to me. Whether that was good or bad in terms of the dish, however, I still don't know exactly...
Cutlery, plates, glasses and more:
Either buy a (minimum) set of 6 (complete with everything!), or use cardboard items. With the latter, you save on washing up. The objection might be "but hey, that's going to cost you money in the long run if you always have to buy more". Far from it: 1. "real" dishes break often enough and 2. you save a lot of water and detergent because you don't have to wash them at all. Look at it this way: you're doing it for the sake of the environment. So the next time guests complain about the sparse sideboard: Appeal to their guilty, ecological conscience.
Dishwasher:
Ok, if you really can't stop doing the "tidy dishes thing" one paragraph earlier, you should buy a dishwasher to reduce the tedious washing up to a minimum. Professional tip: It's best to install two - one for the dirty dishes, the other for the clean ones. This saves space in the cupboard and minimises the tedious task of removing and
Impressum
Verlag: BookRix GmbH & Co. KG
Tag der Veröffentlichung: 09.05.2022
ISBN: 978-3-7554-1342-4
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