How it all began

Some while ago was Valentine’s day and that made me sad.
Why?
Because I saw reminder about my past. I got betrayed by love of my whole life- Jack.
I work as moderator for social network site and my duty is to look after users.
I’m like peace keeper. I must make sure that users don’t infringe other person’s copyrights, post abusive information about others,etc., etc.
On Valentine’s day I took night shift, so I wouldn’t have to see all those couples kissing on the streets, holding hands, giving each other gifts because it makes me sick to my stomach!
On Valentine’s day one of the users I’m watching after-Miranda posted link with a song, but what song!
Apparently, she was one of Valentine’s day victims such as myself.
You can’t even imagine how that song made me feel!
It was one of those songs about broken heart.
That song turned my night shift into worst nightmare because it was about me!
This song spoke to me.
I started to cry, my tears were bursting and I couldn’t stop crying.
Colleagues started to ask: „Are you ok?” „Can I help you somehow?” „What is wrong with you?”
„Do you need medical attention?”
I couldn’t say anything because it was painful, memories about Jack were running through my mind.
The worst part of this situation was that I couldn’t stop crying and calm down.
After two hours of my suffering my boss came to my table and asked: „Christina, can I help you?
Is there anything I can do for you? Do you need medical attention?”
„I have a heartache,” I whispered.
„Wait, I have some heart pills in my desk, I’ll bring them,” boss said.
He didn’t get that my heartache wasn’t literal. That’s not what I meant when I said that.
I took pills he gave me and after five minutes said that I feel much better.
„I’m great pretender,” I thought.
Pills didn’t stop my suffering or pain, but I pretended that they did.
I wish there would be pills that would make me forget about his betrayal, but, unfortunately, there are no such pills.
I somehow managed to work for two more hours, but then I went to my boss and said: „I can’t take it anymore, can I go home because I feel ill?!”
„Of course, Christina, you should have gone home hours ago, you look so pale! You, really should see a doctor!”
„Aha,” I nodded.
I went home, it was deep in the night. This time I decided not to drive to avoid car crash.
I don’t think I was in condition to drive anyway.
Why did I decide to work as moderator?
I wanted to find work to pay for my bills and one that would take all my free time, so I could forget about my painful past.
I just can’t run from my past forever because someone or something keeps reminding me about it.
Let me tell you what happened, although, the song must have made you understand.
I was in love with wonderful man named Jack. He was beautiful-tall, sky-blue eyes, natural blond hair. He was smart, generous, caring. He owns computer sales company.
One day he decided to go to Africa to help those who happened to be less fortunate.
He was there for a year. He was writing me letters and sending pictures every day.
At the end of every letter he wrote, how much he loves and misses me.
He decided to stay there for another year, but, suddenly, he started to write seldom to me.
Letters became shorter, he didn’t send me photos.
I understood that something was wrong, but couldn’t understand what happened.
After six months he stopped writing, I thought something went wrong.
After six more months he returned to USA, but he didn’t even call me.
I tried to find him, but it seemed like he was avoiding me.
When I came to his office, he never was at work.
After two months of worthless efforts to find him I received a letter with an invitation.
It was invitation for Jack’s wedding with another girl.
I was so shocked and confused that bag and envelope fell out of my hands.
I was just standing there and crying. Like I was stunned by some unknown force.
That day I decided to commit suicide.
At first I went to local music store and bought CD with songs about broken heart, then I went to post office and sent this CD to Jack.
After I returned home I drank all the sleeping pills that I found. When I felt that I am falling asleep, I cut my veins and turned off my phone to make sure that no one will save me.
You can’t imagine how painful it was to cut myself. I couldn’t fall asleep because of the pain.
Blood was dripping from my hands on the floor.
I was lying in my bed, crying and watching how my bed sheets were turning red.
I just couldn’t live without him. I just didn’t see my future alone.
After 30 minutes I fell asleep.
„Finally,” I thought.
My eyes closed and I fell into darkness.
I was lying there in my bloody bed and misery.
But what I didn’t think about was my mom. She found out about Jack’s wedding.
She tried to call me, but my phone didn’t answer. At that moment she understood that something really bad happened.
She called our neighbours to look inside our house to check if I’m ok.
They did, but couldn’t see anything because I locked all the doors and closed all windows with curtains.
They saw my car, so I was home, they called me, knocked on the door and windows, but I didn’t hear their screams.
Neighbours called my mom back and told about this. My mom called 911.
„911, how can I help you?” operator asked.
„Please send ambulance to my house!” My mom screamed.
„What is the emergency?”
„I think my daughter committed suicide!”
„I will need your address!”
„It’s 99930 Green street! Please hurry!”
„Stay with me, mam, help is on the way!”
Operator asked more information about me and my mom answered.
Neighbours were still standing in the front of our house. Ambulance got there really fast, but I wish they wouldn’t. Along with ambulance police arrived. Policemen knocked out door and started to look for me.
„Christina! Christina!” they screamed.
I couldn’t hear them.
They searched all the first floor of our house and then went upstairs.
What they didn’t know that I barricaded door of my room and locked it.
They had to climb on the roof and knock out window to get inside my room.
I wish I could see officers face expression when he saw me lying in my blood with wedding invitation next to me.
„Poor girl,” officer said.
„She is still breathing! I need medics here, stat!” he screamed to others after checking my pulse and breathing.
He threw away all my stuff from the door and unlocked it from inside.
Other policemen and paramedics came in my room.
They put me on the rescue carrier and took me to ambulance car, on the way to hospital they stopped bleeding.
I was in coma for a month because I lost lots of blood.
Medics didn’t think I will stay alive after this. The only one who still was believing was my mom.
She spent all of her free time at hospital and prayed for me.
On the 14th march I woke up.
It was six in the morning.
„Where am I?” I asked.
„You are at hospital. Doctor she is awake!” nurse screamed.
Doctor came to me and asked me, how I felt.
I didn’t say anything because I just didn’t want to talk to anyone at that time.
The only one word I said to him was: „Ok!”
They called my mom. After 20 minutes she was sitting next to my bed.
She hugged me, was crying and said: „My poor baby! Why did you do that?”
„I just couldn’t live without him,” I said.
„You know, life doesn’t stop just because someone decides to leave. You will find someone better than him!” my mom said.
„Don’t say that! He was my true love! One one will be like him!” I screamed.
„Of course, be you deserve someone who won’t betray you. Someone who will love and accept you as you are,” my mom said.
„I don’t want to meet someone else because no one will be like him. He was not like the other guys who only think about themselves,” I said.
„And, yet, he left you without even saying goodbye,” mom said.
„He left me, but I don’t want to meet anyone ever again. What is guarantee that this „someone else” won’t do the same thing?”
„There is always a risk, but if you won’t to have a family...”
„Stop! I don’t want to listen!” I screamed.
„Than this conversation is over!” My mom said and went home.
I have fully recovered after this, many years have passed since this happened.
I have completely changed my style and music I listen to.
I used to listen to pop music, but now I listen to new metal.
I used to wear pink clothes, but now I wear black.
I even moved to live in other city to forget this.
I decided to devote all of my free time to work.
And one day one of my friends said that new social network needs moderators for night shifts.
I sent them my CV, after two weeks got invited to work interview and two days later got the job.
I was working hard, even forgot about my past for some time.
One day one of my colleagues said: „You are so young and beautiful. Why you don’t have a boyfriend?”
You can’t even imagine how angry this question made me.
„That’s non of your business,” I said.
I forgot about this. In time I became good worker, even got raise.
Many didn’t want to take night shifts, but I never refused because no one was waiting for me to come home.
Everything was fine until that Valentines day and that song.
After 24 hours I calmed down. I went to doctor to get prescription for pills to calm down my nerves completely.
I wish I could talk to that person that posted link with that song.
We have so much in common-music we listen to, way we dress, both got betrayed by men, but I can’t talk to her. When I applied for this job one of the points in contract said that we cannot talk to clients.
This sucks!
She lives in other country, so I can’t meet her. I can’t e-mail her because someone may find out this fact and it will cost me my job.
Some people are dumb enough to post their home addresses on our portal, but not her.
Most of her friends post too much information on our portal, but she thinks before posting something online. She even warns her friends that they post too much information about themselves.
She doesn’t have boyfriend, but has so many weirdos that look at her profile every day.
It’s a good thing that she doesn’t buy statistics because she, definitely, wouldn’t want to see that so many stalkers visit her page.
One day I found my ex-boyfriend’s page on our social network site, he was complaining that he can’t have babies. Why do people write such personal stuff online?
The girl that reminds me about myself is conspiracy theorist. She sees conspiracy in every music video and that is, really, weird.
I think she is exaggereting with these theories.
Today she decided to post weird lovesong. I just don’t get such love.
In link she posted today there is a guy that brings food to his beloved ones doorstep every day, but he is too shy to tell her how he feels. Weirdo!
I got so carried away with Miranda’s profile that didn’t notice quarrel between two guys.
The were fighting online over a girl. I blocked them for two weeks for swearing on our site.
After blocking their accounts, I noticed new post by Miranda.
„We are women, we are force. Those who hate us can go to hell!”
I guess, she became men hater for same reason I did and painful reminders about her past just get in her way.
In the evening Linda (the only one who I call friend) asked me to meet in kitchen.
„Hi!”
„Hi, Linda, it’s been a while!” I said.
„I called you here to talk to you in person,” Linda said.
„Y ou could have written a message to me about everything,” I said.
„It’s not something that I, you or everyone else should write online,” Linda said.
„What is it?” I asked.
Linda looks around to make sure no one will hear our conversation.
„I’m dying. I have a cancer,” Linda said.
I was just standing there in shock, I just didn’t know what to say.
After five minutes of silence I said: „Fight it, cancer is curable disease nowadays!”
„It’s too late for me, Christina. They have discovered cancer when it was in the last stage. Doctors did everything they could,” Linda said.
„Have you ever went to other doctors in other cities?” I asked.
„I even went to hospital in other state. It’s one of the best in our surrounding area, but they also said that they can’t do anything,” Linda said.
Linda grabbed her hair and removed it. That was a wig.
„Oh, my God!” I started to cry when I saw her bald head.
Linda went to the sink and washed off her make-up.
She was very pale, with big, blue circles around her eyes.
I knew that Linda likes fake stuff- fake nails, fake hair extensions, fake eyelashes.
When some guys that sit next to me said that she bought a wig, I didn’t pay attention to that.
I thought she just bought another fake thing.
„Yes, I don’t look my best and it’s not because I don’t have make-up on, I started to use so much make-up because I didn’t want others to see what is happening to me.
„Please calm down. Death is just a phase before you will move to another body. It shouldn’t be taken like something frightening. Don’t forget that our souls are immortal,” she said.
I wiped my eyes.
„I want you to take care of my cat after I will pass away,”
„Of course, Linda, I will,” I said.
„I also want you to have my apartment,” Linda said.
„I can’t and I won’t!” I said.
„Christina, stop arguing with me! I don’t have any live relatives, you are closest person I have.
I don’t want you to get in debt by taking bank credit for buying a home. I know, that if even you would save money to buy a home, it would take most of your life. I want you to be happy and have a good home after I will leave this body. As for my clothes... I want you to donate them to charitable organizations. Someone may need them. Before you will regret my offer, my testament is already at my lawyer and you are inheriting everything I own,” Linda said.
„But why did you choose me to inherit this?” I whispered.
„Because after all that you have suffered, you deserve better life.You can start all over. Home and cat are just the beginning of your new life,” Linda said.
„Thank you,” I said.
„Is there something you want to ask me?” Linda asked.
„Yes, you are psychic and always were great at reading minds and predicting. I want to know about this girl. Her name is...” I didn’t even mention to say her name when Linda said it.
„Miranda?” Linda asked.
„Yes!” I said.
„What, exactly, is it what you want to know?” Linda asked.
„Well, she posted link with video where female artist was singing how she loved this guy and they wanted to get married, but it all went terribly wrong and she became just a witness of his marriage with someone else. I know, it’s primitive question, but I want to know what happened to her?” I said.
„She reminds you about yourself, things you have went through,” Linda said.
„Of course, I have never seen someone so like me. The way she dresses, music she listens to, her expressions and that betrayal by her boyfriend,” I said.
„Very well, I will tell you, but no matter how unbelievable it sounds all of it is truth.
All started when Miranda fell in love with this man. At the beginning of relationship everything was perfect. Time went by and he started to criticise Miranda. Karma is such cruel thing when you start to idealize something or someone your guardian from above will take this thing or person away from you. This man idealized Miranda and she idealized this relationship. After time he understood that she is not the perfect image that he created in his mind, not what he expected her to be. Miranda understood that this relationship is not as perfect as she dreamed it would be. One day he went to other city.
„I’m going to work in other place for some time,” he said.
„And I’m going to visit my relatives in other country for some time,” Miranda replied.
After few weeks she found out from his friends that he secretly married someone else.
She was furious. She asked for explanation. He just said that he did this to get revenge on her because she is imperfect and didn’t want to do anything about this. He said that the girl he married is much better than Miranda, she loves him, they will be happy together,” Linda said.
„AAAAAAA!” I screamed and started to cry. It was like that time when I heard that song from link Miranda posted on our social network. I just couldn’t stop crying.
„Come here, honey,” Linda said.
She hugged me. We were standing there for some time. I calmed down.
„Please, tell me what happened later,” I whispered.
„Promise not to cry?” Linda asked.
„Yes, I promise!” I replied.
Miranda decided to stay in that country and never return to USA just to forget about all of this. At first, she wanted to commit suicide because she just couldn’t imagine life without him,” Linda said.
„Just like me,” I said.
„Yes, you have much more in common than you think. Something stopped her from killing herself that night. She went home. She felt depressed for some time. She was sitting at home and watching TV. She was learning language of the country she lived in to find a job. She didn’t want to go out or have fun because happy couples that she saw on streets would make her sad.
One of her relatives told her that life goes on, that she shouldn’t bury herself alive because someone dumped her.
After some time she started to change. She threw out all the things that reminded about her past with him. She decided not only think about herself. She found a job, started to help her relatives.
One day she realized that life is wonderful once you understand that there won’t be life same as this one and it could have been worse. So, you should be grateful for life you have and lessons you are going through in this life. It’s karma- when you don’t want to learn in positive way it will make you learn in negative way- betrayal, pain, etc.
Yesterday she gathered stuff she didn’t need and gave it away to one of local charitable organizations. That’s, also, good because she is helping to those who are in worse position than she is. Christina, don’t forget that things carry energy. If things you have remind you about painful past you should get rid of them. Also, things you have and never use will bring negative energy to your home.
The reason she is feeling better is because she forgave him and got rid of those things that remind her of her pain in the past.
She started to take care of her body. She is not doing it for someone, but for herself. That’s called ‘loving and accepting yourself as you are’. And it’s not selfishness.
She started to attend events her friends invited her to. There’s nothing wrong with the fact you are attending event alone,” Linda told me.
„Are you saying that I should take example from her?” I asked.
„Yes, in some things you could,” Linda smiled at me.
„Tell me what will happen to us in future?” I asked.
„Miranda will change completely, you even won’t be able to tell that’s the same person you now know. I don’t know when, but in some time she and her ex-boyfriend will be together again. Because his marriage was based on lies, he will divorce woman who he has married now and stay good friends with her. He will marry Miranda,” Linda said.
„That’s just like in those Mexican soap operas,” I laughed.
„Have any of my predictions were wrong?” Linda asked.
„No!” I said.
„Why are you doubting my words?” Linda asked.
„Because they sound too fantastic,” I said.
„Just because something sounds unbelievable it doesn’t mean it’s impossible. On this planet everything is possible no matter how incredible it is,” Linda said. She was shining.
„Can I continue?” Linda asked.
„Yes, please!” I said.
„He will also change. He is not perfect, not by a long shot. World and people around you reflect yourself. What I mean is, this man wasn’t perfect himself and I’m not talking about dirty socks that are lying around in his home,” Linda said.
That made me laugh so hard.
„As I said, he will start to take care of his relatives, too. He has very big family. All of this happened to Miranda so she would stop idealizing relationship. No one and nothing is perfect for everyone, but this is what makes this life so interesting,” Linda said.
„That’s amazing, but what I’m going to do without you?”
„You will find many great and loyal friends. They will be with you until end of your days. At your funeral no one will be crying because you will be born as yourself and meet all of them in your next incarnation. You will never be alone and lonely anymore. Just don’t idealize relationship and accept everyone as they are even if they are weird,”
Linda finished her speech and smiled at me. I smiled back.

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Tag der Veröffentlichung: 14.03.2012

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Widmung:
I dedicate this to everyone who got betrayed by their loved ones.