Katheryn's thoughts

Who does she think she is? She has simply entered my life without any advanced warning, I thought terrified. Lately, she came to me quite often, and I could no longer reject her. Not that I couldn't manage to do so, but rather because I liked to have her around me and this was a matter that scared me. This sudden change of my feelings made me feel anxious. She was kind to me and as caring as anyone had ever been to me. However, I do not understand her true intentions. Why should someone treat me well if nobody has ever done it before? I'm afraid to trust her and be hurt afterwards, because I've had to experience this so many times before and I do not want to experience it again. Sometimes when she is with me and she looks me in the eye, I cannot help but think that she might feel something for me. But this must be utter nonsense. Why should she feel something for me? I'm a girl. Why do I even bother thinking about it? But I am so confused and the more time we spend together, the more I think about her. I have already caught myself imagining how it would be to kiss her. This is so awkward for me. That's why I have forbidden myself to have such thoughts ever again. Yesterday when I was outside the boarding school sitting on a bench, I saw how she left the building with one of her roommates. When she saw me, she smiled and waved at me. I felt how my face started to colour, quickly I turned my face away to prevent her from seeing it. Secretly I was glad that she had not decided to come to me. When they sat down and started to talk, I took the opportunity to take out my sketchbook and to draw her. Now I have a drawing of her in my sketchbook and I do not know what I am supposed to do with it. Shall I show it to her? How would she feel about it? Maybe this is not a good idea. The best thing to do is to put the case to rest, and destroy the drawing and all the poems. I have to banish her from my head and make my graduation. Then I will disappear from this city and turn my back on my parents. If I work myself up about this, I will come out with empty hands just like two years ago. I will start a new life after graduation and never again I shall face my parents and this forbidden matter. It will be easier then, not to have to see her every day and after the graduation we won't stay in touch. I think right now it is okay to have someone who does not cast a weird side glance at you and thinks you're a freak. She is the only one in this school who deign to look at me and no matter how her intentions may look, I am simply grateful to her for being nice to me.

 

"I always meet you here," I heard a voice that brought me back into reality. I looked up and my heart skipped a beat as our eyes met. "Amy?" I said surprised, trying not to let her notice my inner turmoil. She smiled and sat down next to me. "Is this your favourite place?" She asked, briefly glancing at my sketchbook. "Yes," I replied, closing the book. When class was over I often spent my afternoons on this bench next to a big maple tree. It was a quiet place outside the boarding school. She cast a glance toward the horizon and then she slowly looked at me while a light smile spread across her lips. Every time she looked at me like this, my heart started to beat faster. I felt myself blushing again, wishing the ground would swallow me up, because I didn't want her to know anything. Slowly I lowered my head and looked nervously at my sketchbook. "Were you just studying?" She asked me. "N-no," I replied nervously. "What kind of book is that?" She asked me curiously.

"I-It is just a book where I take some notes," I said, pressing the sketchbook against my chest.

She looked at me pensively, raising questioningly an eyebrow. "Sorry, I don't want to annoy you," she said worried. "It's okay," I said, trying not to look into her eyes. At the moment I felt the urge to run away, for I did not like it when she asked me so many questions. I was not quite prepared to talk about certain things. "Katheryn," she said, and I was forced to look into her eyes. Sometimes I thought that these hazel eyes could see through me. She said nothing as I looked at her, but just looked at me like she wanted to say something but decided to keep it for herself. What did she intend to do with this? And again there was a smile on her lips. This was one of those moments where I asked myself if she might have feelings for me, and if so how would my reaction be? Would we ever have a chance? Two women? Probably not, at least not as long as my parents where around. They have made my life a hell of a life since Jamie's incident. I should stop depicting such things as a possibility. If my parents ever know what's going on in my mind, then we both have a serious problem and that's why I have to stay away from her, for the sake of our lives. I should go now, I decided and got up. "Where are you going?" Amy asked and seemed surprised by my reaction. "I should go back," I said, picking up my stuff. "Already?" She asked, disappointed. "Yes, it occurred to me that I still have to make something for history," I said as an excuse. "Alright," she said, seeming to be quite disappointed. I felt a bit sorry for her, but I could not stay with her any longer. Amy stood up and asked: "Will we see each other again tomorrow?" I looked at her for a while and did not know what to tell her. "I don't know”, I said insecure. Amy cast a sceptical glance at me and seemed to have noticed that something was wrong. "Is everything alright?" "Yes," I replied. She grabbed me by the arm and forced me to look her in the eyes. "Are you sure?" "Yes," I repeated. "Katheryn, I'm sorry but I don't believe a word of it. Did I say something wrong?" "No, everything is alright," I said, forcing a smile. "If you have worries, please don't turn away from me. I want to help you." Don't worry, I'm alright, "I lied and released myself from her grip. She took a step back as I freed myself from her grip and looked at me regretfully. "Sorry I didn't want to get physical." "No, Amy, you weren't," I said, wishing that she would just take me in her arms. She smiled, relieved, and stepped a step forward, but paused as though she were trying to stop herself from doing something. Ignoring her reaction I said to her one last time: "I have to go now." And I went and turned my back on her, like I always did with everything.

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Tag der Veröffentlichung: 29.05.2018

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