A Note Just To Say:
-It's called living in the moment for a reason. Instead of reflecting on the incident I go back and relive it. Hope it makes sense!
-I don't love to share my thoughts with random strangers online and I don't love to tell random strangers about my life or where I live. So, yeah....
-These thoughts are written spontaneously in no particular order, so if it doesn't make sense just deal with it!
-Exactly what I wrote is written here. No afterthoughts added and no editing.
Rain
I love the rain.
The inspiration that comes from new thoughts and relaxing smells. A cleanse for my mind. Exactly what I needed.
Deep breath
Soak it in
Live the rain
Let it wash everything away
I pull on the jacket I had stuffed in the back of my closet and run outside. Down the stairs. Around the corner. Pause, leaning against the building for a moment.
Breathe
"Hey Gwen!" voices call from the courtyard.
Ignoring them, I run around another corner and pump my music louder. Dragging my hand along the wall I walk slowly, staring up into the sky and then out to the empty space.
Run
The rain is already slowing, but I sprint the short distance to the end of the lot.
No! Don't stop
There's no wind. Rain falls straight down onto me. The ground is soft. My music thuds through me, an odd contrast with the rain.
Pause
Breathe again
Don't think
Something I don't even understand. How the rain does this to me.
No stress
A relief
A release
My only break
Rarely does my mind stop churning. Only at times like this. It's the rain. The music too, but mostly the rain.
I love the rain.
I spin in a circle slowly, letting the last seconds of rain soak into my bones and my mind. Cass appears in the distance, bringing my attention back to reality. She waves me down.
With a heavy heart, I sigh, turn my music down, and sprint back to our building.
"Mom wants to go to the store, then we gotta come back and finish cleaning and packing."
"Yeah, yeah, I know."
Poor
What is poor?
Poor is not having enough money to do laundry on a regular basis.
Poor is not having money to keep a car running and, eventually, not having any car at all.
Poor is having been homeless.
Poor is not having money to pay for minutes on you phone.
Poor is living with only hand me down clothes.
Poor is being on foodstamps, having state paid insurance, and living in assisted income apartments where the rent is literally nothing because you don't make enough money to pay anything.
We are poor.
Again
Poor
A common word used to describe a common situation. For instance, mine. The same word is used by many people although their predicaments don't exactly fit the category.
Ha
It's dark. I pull my bags from the car, feeling the rain drops that splatter my skin. No commotion from the family yet? Good.
Breathe
"Transmissions gone, kids. This is as far as we're gonna get."
So glad it's raining. I might explode without it. Then again, I might explode anyway. Mom's practically spitting fire.
Calm
Stay calm
"It's a short walk home. We'll be fine."
Me. Always the voice of reason.
I begin to walk away. Even strides. Check to make sure I hear four sets of footsteps behind me.
The rain is draining my focus.
"Stay on the shoulder," my mind forces me to call back to my followers.
"Yeah, we know."
The streetlights bounce off the wet road. Home is just around the corner. I hear the phone being dialed.
Hopefully we have enough minutes to call someone to get the car. Don't know who's awake though. And there's no way we can afford a tow.
I look down at the muddy sidewalk. Obviously the others don't. Two high pitched yells and the sound of sloshing greet my ears.
Soft crying
Tears in the mud
Turn around, walk back to them, help them get up. Make no ones injured. Ignore the complaints of ruined clothing.
"We can soak it in the tub when we get home It'll be fine." Me.
"But this is my favorite!"
"And if it's in the tub no one can shower."
"We don't even have money to do laundry."
All three chime in.
Seriously!?
"It will be fine. Let's just get inside."
Mom's voice gets farther away. I don't know who she's calling. Don't care. Just want to sleep.
No thoughts
Clear mind
Rain beats down harder. I focus on my feet on each stair step. Up, up, up. Finally, home.
"Don't forget there's broken glass by the kitchen," I warn.
I know I won't be able to shower tonight. Too late. Too much commotion. Mom's already mad. I just slip on my pajamas.
"It won't come out!"
"My only nice, new clothes! Ruined."
The girls call from the bathroom.
Sigh
With no words I scrub out dirt and mud. Rinse. Soap. Rinse. Soak. Then I slip back into my room and lay down. My sister trudges in after me.
"Cass, I don't want to hear it. Just go to bed."
"Whatever, Gwen. I can be in a bad mood if I want to."
"Goodnight."
Holding Tight
There are times in life when you can't let go. When you clutch at something, anything to hold you steady.When you need the support and comfort.
Because there are things that never loosen their grip on you. Those things that clutch at you, slowly tightening their claws until you choke.
You don't know what it's like until it has you. You can't feel the emotions, but their traces are left in you forever. Sleeping, waiting to be awakened again.
Breathe
I scream inside my mind.
Breathe
And think
But I can't focus enough to think.
Just enough to continue taking in breath and walk forward.
The remnants of a rainy morning are all around me. The smell, the clouds, the mud. But even the rain isn't enough to calm me.
I finally reach it. Push the small gate open. Walk through the soft sand.
I wrap my hands around the chains. The metal is cool. It seeps into my body. I sit down.
It is stable.
I am calm.
Then I push backward and swing forward. I pump my legs. No thoughts. Eyes closed.
Pump, swing
Pump, swing
Repetition combined with a few drops of rain. I open my eyes and let my thoughts rush forward.
"How could they?!" my mind yells. "How could they just take her kids from her like that? She's a good mother. She's just in the hospital. It's all his fault! Why couldn't he take care of them? How am I supposed to fix this?!"
My hands clutch tightly at the chains.
Breathe
Pump
Swing
Calm
Think
This is when I need someone else. Someone to hold me steady. Someone to cling to instead of some thing.
The air whoosing past my head is cld. It flings my hair into my face. I don't pay attention.
My thoughts repeat. From CPS to the kids to me. Me holding the world on my shoulders. I'm not human. I help and heal and rarely give my problems a second thought. I do what needs to be done, even if its npt my job.
But I'm just a girl.
I can't do it.
Breathe
Pump
Swing
But I do it.
These are the times when the world's grip on my heart almost chokes me, crushing me.
Almost
But then I remember his hand holding mine. I feel his arms around me. And I dont choke. Because I'm not alone.
Broken
People break easily. We're easily crushed, easily shattered, easily torn. All of us. Including me. I'm not used to being broken, but its not my choice to make.
When people have power over you they can break you. They can take you, crush you, throw you, and most of the time you don't know what to do. Especially if you don't see it coming.
"Delainey!" I yell in a whisper.
She walks away.
I follow her. Out of class. Down the hall and into the bathroom.
Slam
The stall door shuts.
My heart pounds with it.
Crash, boom
Her fist slams against the heavy plastic.
Sigh
I slide to the ground. She does the same.
Perfectly in time.
Silence
Empty, heart breaking silence
My mind runs full speed as I stare at the dingy bathroom walls. I still cant believe what happened. I cant believe how easily she crushed me. Discarded me.
Breathe
Close your eyes
Dont think
Chink, click
I hear the stall door unlocking, opening slowly. I hear her footsteps. I dont open my eyes. But I feel her next to me. She slides down to sit on the ground.
She lays her head on my shoulder. I lay my head back on hers.
Still silence
I want to be mad. I want to yell. Scream. Cry. But my eyes are dry. Ive cried everything out. And I cant mad.
"Im sorry Gwen," her soft voice.
I love her too much.
But I cant speak. Im exhausted, so I just listen.
"Im just sorry. I didnt know it would hurt so bad. But when I saw you crying I knew. You never cry."
Its all true. I never cry.
Creak
The door opens to show another girl. We fall silent. She doesnt seem to mind. A few minutes later she leaves.
Silence
“I love you. You know that.” I manage a whisper.
“I love you too. I don’t know what I would do without you.”
I don’t even allow myself to think about it. I block all real thoughts. And we just sit, enjoying the silence.
Tears
Tears are not a weakness, but I dont cry. I hold in too much. But today is different.
Breathe
Focus
Just make it up the steps
Up, up, up, I climb. Up, up, up. I finally reach the top. I cant turn around. I wont let myself. I dont want to see him walk away.
I dont.
Breathe
I pull my thoughts together for a moment. Long enought to make it inside. Barely long enough to open the first door, open the second door, and step into the room.
No
I cant do it.
I give Cassie and Bailey one look.
"Im going to the bathroom," I whisper. My voice is detached, strained.
They nod.
I run into the bathroom. I lean on the wall. Slide to the ground.
Cry
Feel the tears
So much like the rain
Let them wash it all away
I sit, but I cant stay long. I know. I need to be back in class.
Deep breath
Wipe your eyes
I stand up. I open one door, then another. I sit in my desk.
Class has already begun. Bailey is gone. Cassie just gives me a pitiful glance. Thankfully no one else sees.
And no one else knows.
I know this will be my last chance to cry. So I cry inside my mind. Tears that never reach my outside.
Breathe
Just breathe
Comfort
Children have blankets. They are a shield from the monsters that hide beneath their beds. They keep them warm and safe. Being wrapped in the soft cloth is like being wrapped in a parents loving arms.
I dont have a blanket.
No
So what do I have to keep me warm, make me feel safe? I have to have something.
Its days like this that I need it.
Whoosh
I feel a cool chill.
Wind or my own emotions sweeping through me?
It doesnt matter.
I put in my headphones and crank my music.
Loud. Pulsing through me.
I zip up my jacket, flip up my hood.
Calm
Now I can face the day.
I have something to hold me together until I can do it myself. Something to hold me steady if I falter. I because I dont have someone to do it. Hes gone now.
I dont cry though. I just walk. Stare at my steps.
Left, right, left, right
Focus
Move
Breathe Forget
I shove my hands into my pockets and keep going. I feel the warmth. The protection. The strength. The calm.
Deja Vu
Down the steps. Hands on the railing, cold and wet over the chipped paint.
Breathe
I turn my eyes away from all the familiar doors. I pull my hood on.
My feet find a rhythm that complements the rain that pounds on my skin.
Thud, trick, trick, trick
Thud, drip, drip, drip
Smell it
Live it
Love it
Let it was everything away
My boots sink into the sand. No more rhythm from their sound, just the rain.
Like silence
I feel constricted. Throat tightened, head pressed from all sides.
Why?
Shhhh
Dont think
The rain fades into the background, leaving an emptiness I cant handle. I pull out my ipod, hoping the music will distract me from the feeling that something is missing.
A hole I cant fill.
Not even with tears.
A calm I cant find.
Not even with rain.
The seat is wet and cold. The cold seeps into my body as I wrap my fingers around the chains.
Chilled to the bone.
Pump, swing
Pump, swing
Im gripping too tight. Trying to press my emotion into the metal.
Higher, higher
Breathe
Listen
Feel
Forget
Too much on my mind. Too many racing thoughts. Nothing I can do. No one here. In my mind, alone.
Pump, swing
The music thuds through me with the memories like new blood.
Breathe
I miss him. He was like my own child. I loved him. Now hes gone.
I feel lost; broken.
The only things that help are momentarily healing, but what about later, when theyre gone? The calm of the rain. The distraction of the rhythm.
The Ocean
Pushing in from all sides.
A stormy sea wanting to drown me.
And there's no escape Because its all on the inside.
"I'm leaving and I'm not coming back. You've pushed me too far."
I know its a lie. But deep inside I want it to be true. I want a war. I want a hurricane. And I'm going to get one.
Let's begin.
Emotions trickle in.
Love
Hate
Trust
Betrayal
Reliance
Independance
Contain them. Stuff them. Shove them down.
Breathe
It may be my last chance.
I plaster that smile on my face. They all know this time; that its fake. But they all think its going to blow over.
It won't. Because I won't let it.
The wind picks up when she walks in.
I let the silence thunder until she decides to speak.
"I love you. I care about you. That's why I'm going to fix you. Help you."
I hear, but I don't listen, because I don't believe. There are people in the room, yet there is no one here but me. Alone.
"You're just so immature. So disrespectful. So disobedient. So prideful. And so rebellious. I'm going to help you. You need more structure, more organization, more discipline."
The anger rises. The final push. The one that stirs the seas until they spill over my wall.
I close my eyes and let go.
Listen
Crash
Betrayal colliding with independance.
Rationality far below as anger surfaces in tsunami sized waves to rise and crash again.
I feel the tears outside, but I have no way to stop them.
No calm.
No breathing.
Only the storrm.
And me drowning
Impressum
Texte: Juniper Lee
Tag der Veröffentlichung: 20.07.2012
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Widmung:
To the friends who have read and reread my stories for me. Thanks and love you guys.