Yeah.. another book i guess
The struggle is real….
My second book... Yay?
I guess
Doesn’t mean I am better.
I seem to be closing myself up even more. I didn’t even know that that was even possible. I seemed to feel a wee bit better for a couple days after I wrote and published my book.
I know I’m a downer but shit needs to be said.
I will always be like happyish at school but then I get home and just close myself up. I go through my whole day, see what I could have done better (usually everything) I try to eat healthy, but my appetite is either Gone or just eat everything in sight, I’m unhappy with myself when I eat a lot of unhealthy stuff.
More of my life
I seem to be addicted to music and YouTube videos. I watch them all day. I have no life. They block my feelings. But when the music stops or the video is over, it’s like I’m running from a tsunami. Like I said in my last book, the feelings come in a tsunami leaving me breathless. Sometimes I will block the feelings for long enough to start another song or video. But sometimes I don’t. That’s when I just wana ruin myself, commit suicide or cut. But because of anxiety (I think its anxiety) I don’t. I’m always fighting with myself. I swear I have 2 parts of my mind 1- The sad, hopeless, lonely side and 2- the one that worries about me, the one that I show around friends, family.
I read once this story. You have 3 minds, one that people that you don’t know or aren’t really close with you see. Another that family or close friends see and then the third one. The one that only you see, the one that takes over when it’s just you. I have never agreed with something more in my life. I read that story about 2 years ago and I have never forgotten it.
Even more geez
I still haven’t told anyone about me. I know it’s bad but I can’t. I am unable to produce the words.
School sucks. Like everyone says but it does. I know it’s for good but I just can’t deal with it. Homework. Like come on, I got to school already. I’m away from home for 8 hours and you expect me to another additional 1 or 2 hours of school. When I have to do at least another 1 hour practise for dance. Eat which usually takes 30 minutes. Bathe with takes me about an hour, and get 10 hours of sleep. I only get about 30 minutes to keep my mind from exploding, and sometimes I can’t deal with it. I can’t deal with school. Also waking up in the morning it’s like being pulled from happiness. Another thing is to deal with the people. Walking and just being aware of every person around you. Feeling like your friends hate you. Like they talk behind your back. People being mean to you and you just laugh along or walk away when really it kill you. It’s like someone puts a pin in your heart. After away there’s gonna be no more room for more pins and then what are you going to do. I think that people that commit suicide their maximum amount of pins have been stabbed into their hearts.
My family also. Don’t have time for me. They spend all day working. Then when they get home they just either work more of watch TV or sleep. They take trips away from us (me and my brother)
Next person... MY BROTHER. He is older than me. He tries to make my life miserable. It works. He’s the reason why I want to die. He just won’t stop. I hear everybody’s stories on their siblings and I’m like. “WHAT???!!!!! You thing that’s being annoying per-lease that me on my lucky day. He’s like a tick that’s slowly drinking your blood. Draining you of everything you have inside killing you, can’t get rid of them. He makes me want to die, I just “ARGHHHHH” I can’t even deal with it just no he makes like miserable, No! Worse than that he makes it unlivable.
I’m sorry for writing like 10000000 pages worth of worthlessness.
Hopefully this won’t be my last book.
If not see you next time.
Friend me
Pixie
Impressum
Tag der Veröffentlichung: 13.06.2016
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