Prologue.

“I’m sorry Mr. Khan, she didn’t make it.”

I looked at the blood stained doctor with a blank face. What did he just say? I could see his mouth moving, trying to talk to me but I couldn’t understand the words. I felt my mouth hang agape and my eyes grow wide. My heart was pounding hard; my entire body felt like it was on fire. Drips of swear ran down the side of my face and my throat went dry. He didn’t just say what I think he just said, did he?
“Mr. Khan? Son, are you alright?” The doctor had a worried expression on his face but I was too busy going into information overloud to care. “I think you need to sit down, Mr. Khan…”

I didn’t move I just stayed standing, with a horrified look on my face. She didn’t make it? How could she not have made it? They told me everything was going to be fine! I had just seen her 20 minutes ago. I had just told her I loved her and that nothing bad was going to happen. I could feel the shock wearing off as anger started to take over. How could they not save my love? It was the fucking 21st century for god fucking sakes! This couldn’t be happening!

“Why the fuck did you not save her?!” I screamed. The doctor flinched a little at the loudness of my voice but he did not return the tone.

“Mr. Khan, we did everything we could. But it was just too much for her body to handle. She went into shock and there was nothing we could have done to save her.”

I felt tears welling up and a knot tighten in my throat. She can’t really be gone, she just can’t. I won’t let it be true. If I just keep standing in the waiting room I can act like nothing has happened. Right?

“Mr. Khan, please take a seat so I can talk things over with you.” The doctor put his hand on my shoulder and tried to push me back in my seat.

“Keep your fucking hands off of me!”
“Mr. Khan, you need to calm down.” He said calmly.
“How the hell am I supposed to calm down? You just told me you let my girlfriend die!”

The doctor took a deep breath. “I understand this is a very hard time for you right now. But you need to calm down.”
My anger was on full tilt but I knew he was right. The knot in my throat only got bigger and tighter when I thought about what he was going to say to me. “Now, can you please take a seat so I can talk to you, calmly?” The doctor said as he sat down in the stiff chair next to mine. I couldn’t help but stare at the blood on his uniform, that was her blood. I finally sat down in my chair and put my head in my hands, trying to keep myself from ripping this guy a new one.
“Mr. Khan, what I am going to be telling you will be very hard for you to understand and listen to. But I feel it is in your best interest if you know what happened. When we ushered you out of the room it was because we knew there was a high possibility of her not making it and we didn’t want you to see that. What happened was every time she had a contraction she would go into shock and start to hemorrhage and her blood pressure would drop dramatically. The hemorrhaging was too much for her body to handle and she lost blood faster than we could restore it.

Ecstatically she bleed to death before we had to time to save her. When you left the room we told her what was happening to her and she accepted it, all she wanted us to do was save the ba-”

I suddenly realized that I had completely forgotten about the baby. I was so focused on Selena and her safety that I had forgotten about our unborn child .Before he could finish I whispered. “What about the baby? Did it make it, is it ok?”

“The baby is perfectly healthy.” My head bolted up to look at the doctor to see if he was telling me the truth or not. He had a slight smile on his face.
My heart fell. How could I be happy and celebrate in the life of my child when Selena wasn’t here to celebrate with me?

“Mr. Khan, I understand this will be difficult for you. You are going through a terrible time right now. And I know that you need to mourn the loss of Selena but you also have a beautiful, healthy baby that needs you to be there. Can you do that?”

I tore my eyes away from his again. Staring at the blank white walls. Could I do that? Selena was so excited about becoming a mother. This was something she wanted more than I did. Hell, I had tried to get her to have an abortion. I couldn’t help but blame this devil spawn of mine for taking away the one woman I had ever loved.

As if reading my thoughts the doctor put his hand on my shoulder, very gently and said. “This is not the baby’s fault. Selena had a very, very rare condition that we had no idea about. We couldn’t have prevented this. Mr. Khan, what you need to focus on the right now and that right now is your baby, who is helpless and needs a father. Can you do that?”

Keeping my eyes on the wall I very slightly nodded. “Ok, then. I’m very sorry for your loss, Selena was an amazing girl but you need to remember that you have a whole new life that is totally and completely dependent on you.” Again I nodded slowly. “Do you want to say goodbye to Selena?”

The knot in my throat hardened even more, if that was even possible. And tears now fell freely down my face. “Yes.” I chocked out as I felt my heart break. The doctor led me into the room, walked over to the table that was covered by a thin white cotton blanket. My entire body felt numb. The doctor slowly pulled back the blanket to revel Selena’s tiny, pale face. I chocked as the image hit my eyes. “I will be waiting outside for you. Take as long as you like.”
I didn’t even bother to respond. My mind and body was focused on Selena’s pale face. The under of her eyes were darkened and her lips were starting to turn bluish. I walked closer to the table, my eyes glued to her. This has to be a dream!

I sat down on the chair next to her bed. The chair I had been sitting on talking to her just an hour ago. I slowly raised my hand up to her head and cupped her cheek; she was cold. The knot in my throat finally constricted hard enough and I let out a sob. “How could you leave me here? How could you do this to me, Selena? I loved you with all my heart and then you go and die on me! This isn’t right. This has to be a dream. Please baby, come on Sel, please wake up. Just wake up for me! Tell me this is all just a misunderstanding!” My sobs got louder and more out of control. “I can’t raise a baby on my own. I know nothing about babies. I’m only 16! Selena, please, baby, please, just please wake up. I know you can do it! How can you leave our baby here with me? I’m just a dumb guy. Babies need their mothers! I can’t do this alone. Sel, please, just p-p-pllleeaasse wake up.” My vision was becoming blurred, I couldn’t see her face anymore. Tears ran down my face faster than I could control. The knot in my throat hurt so much. “I love you so much. We were supposed to get married and have more babies. This is everything you wanted and you die before you get to see it happen! It’s not fair!!! You can’t do this to me, you just can’t. Selena, baby, please wake up! You can’t leave me here with a baby all alone! I don’t know anything about them! You left before I got to put a ring on your finger, before I could tell you how much I love you! Please just come back to me!”

I put my head on top of my crossed forearms that were resting on the side of her bed. I just wept and wept till I had no more tears left. I could feel the ring I was going to give her burning a hole in my pocket. I had been carrying it around for weeks, waiting for the right time to ask her to be my wife. But I was too nervous. I thought we had all the time in the world. But I was so, so wrong. “Baby, I love you so much, I will take the best care of our baby as I possibly can. I promise you. I will always do good by our baby. I love you. But I’m so fucking mad at you for leaving me here all alone.” I guess I really wasn’t all alone, I had the baby. God, I didn’t even know the sex of it. We wanted to be surprised. I finally picked up my head to look at her one last time. I stood up, keeping my eyes on her face. If you didn’t know better you would think she was just in a deep sleep. I leaned down and pressed my lips gently to her cold ones. “I love… you, ba-by. Rest… in pea-ce.” I stuttered out and quickly left the room.
Just like the doctor said he was sitting in a chair outside the door, waiting for me. “Are you ok?”

“What the fuck do you think?” I chocked. The doctor nodded, realizing I went back to blaming him for this. I started to walk away; I wanted to find a place where I could cry my eyes out again, with dignity.

“Would you like to meet your baby?” My baby? My baby. I was a father now.

I turned and looked at the doctor, trying to keep my eyes from drifting down to stare at all of her blood on him. I very slowly nodded. “Ok. Follow me.”

We stopped in front of a huge window in the wall. The doctor looked at me and I glared at him. He slightly nodded his head in understanding. He pointed into the room and I looked up at it. There were rows and rows of babies. Either wrapped in pink or blue. They all looked the same to me. I couldn’t even tell my baby from the rest! I guess my panic showed because the doctor smiled slightly. “Most babies look the same when they are born. The one in the third row and five babies over is yours.”

I went back three rows and counted over five babies. My eyes settled on a sleeping baby wrapped in a pink blanket. “I have a daughter?”

“Yes, congratulations.”
“Can-can I hold her?”
“Of course. She is your daughter.”

The doctor led me into the room which held sleeping and screaming babies alike. I followed him until he stopped in front of the crib. “Mr. Khan, meet your daughter. You can take her home anytime.”

I peered into the crib; she looked just like Selena, except she had my dark skin. Everything else was completely Selena. Her bright round blue eyes and her peach fuzz light brown hair. Even her tiny plump face looked like Selena. “Would you like to pick her up?”

My heart started to pound. “I-I don’t know how.” All of this stuff was Selena’s thing. I had no clue about any of it. Selena was supposed to be holding her and feeding her, changing her diaper, feeding her. I didn’t know how to do any of that.

The doctor put his right hand under her head and his left under her butt, gliding her up into the air. He held her out to me and I awkwardly took her into my arms. She was so tiny that she almost completely fit in the palm of one hand. “I’m going to drop her.” I said panicked again. “No you won’t.”

I pulled the little baby closer to my body. She was so warm. “What are you going to name her?” the doctor asked. He had suddenly acquired a clip bored and pen.

“Uh, I don’t know, Selena was going to do that…” I was such a horrible father. I didn’t even know what to name my own baby.

“Well, what do you think she would like?”

I thought about it. I had no idea. None. I’m horrible. “Well, I know what she wouldn’t like.” The doctor gave me a questioning look. “Put Selena down for her name.” the doctor nodded at me and wrote it down.

A few hours later I had my new baby, Selena in my arms. The doctor, who I still didn’t know the name of, walked me out the front doors of the hospital.

“Mr. Khan, I want you to know there was something Selena wanted me to pass along to you.” My heart quickened and my throat got all tight again. “She wanted me to tell you that she loved you very much and she was sorry she wasn’t going to be able to enjoy life at your side. She said she wants you to make a good life for your daughter and that it is alright to move on.” I stiffened at that last statement. Of course Selena would think of that. She was the logical one, the one that thought ahead. “She also said that she will always love you and be watching over you.”

I nodded my head. “Thank you Dr.-”
“Dr. Rosemount.”

“Thank you Dr. Rosemount, for everything…” Again my voice hitched.

He smiled. “You’re welcome. And I am truly sorry about Selena. If you ever need anything don’t hesitate to call.” He shook my free hand and handed me a card with his work number on it. On the back was his house and cell he had written.

“Thank you.”

“You will be fine, I promise.”

And with that, I walked out to my car, put baby Selena in her car seat, and started to slowly drive home; with tears streaming down my face.

Impressum

Tag der Veröffentlichung: 05.08.2011

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