Present day...

Buzz…buzz…buzz…

I turn towards the sound to see the screen of my phone lit up. “What now?” I ask to no one. I figure it is my brother wanting me to pick him up or my mom telling me to come outside and help her bring in the groceries. I open my phone to see a text from neither my mom nor my brother but from an old friend, Logan. I’m a little taken aback by this.

Logan and I are old friends. Well we were once a couple but that was many years ago. We’ve mostly stayed in touch on and off for the past five years. You know a “how are you?” here and a “What’s new with you?” there. The last time I even spoke to him was about seven months ago and he was with some girl, which in my opinion would be considered white trash. But of course I didn’t have an opinion. As I saw his name on my screen I instinctively looked down at the ring on my right ring finger. It was gorgeous, it was a simple silver band with small diamonds wrapping around it. Logan gave it me for our first Christmas together and I haven’t taken it off sense.

I felt my phone vibrate in my hand again. I looked down to see another message from Logan. I quickly realized I hadn’t even read the first. I opened them both.
Hey. Wat up?
Hello?

I didn’t even know he had my number anymore. Months ago I ran into Logan and this girl he had been seeing. She instantly hated me the moment she met me. I have no idea why but she did. She erased my number out of Logan’s phone right in front of me. She was a total bitch. But then again Logan liked those nasty, bitchy girls. His best friend Paul always said that I was the only ‘nice’ girl Logan ever dated. And I had no problem believing that one.

I waited a few minutes before I texted him back. I didn’t want him to think that I was too eager to hear from him again, even if I was.

Logan?

I quickly got a reply. Aint this Zara?

I had to laugh at how fast he texted me back. I walked back over to my desk where I was working on a sketch. My desk was a complete mess. I was trying to copy a ‘look’ out of one of my art books, they used charcoal. So I tried to do the same thing…the picture in the book looks way better.

Yea this is Zara.

I know this seems childish but I didn’t want Logan to think that I kept his number. I didn’t want him to think that I was eager to become his friend again.

This is Logan. What you been doin

My curiosity was taking over, I had to know why he was texting me again. Why he had gotten in contact with me and how he had gotten my number. I answered his question with my own question.


Howd u get my num?

Still got it memorized. What u doin rite now?

I looked at my failed attempt at my charcoal drawing and replied. Nothing.

I was expecting a reply right away but I didn’t get one. I got bored of staring at my phone so I walked over to bed and turned on the T.V. Channel surfing was my favorite sport. But no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t get Logan out of my head.

About a half hour later I heard my phone start to vibrate again. I looked at my bed side clock; it was 10:23 at night. After I checked that message I was going to bed! That put a smile on my face. I walked back over to my desk and looked at my phone. The message was from Logan.

Come out.

Before I could hold myself back I texted. Come out where?

Not even a minute later I had another text from him.

I’m in town. I wanna c u

.

Well that shocked me. God! Twice in one night! I looked down at my finger again. The ring was a little worn out from the contest use but I kept it looking a good as I could. I couldn’t help myself I texted.

Where?

Down by the old swing.

I couldn’t help but ask. Are you kiddin’?

? no! Im for real. Paul is here with me.

I sighed. I looked in the mirror. I had no makeup on, my hair was a mess of curls and I was in sweats.

Right now? Im not even dressed. I have no makeup on!

Zara stop actin like a girl and come out. We’re in the forest no 1 will c u.

“You’ll see me.” I said to my phone.

I got a second text before I could reply. Plz?
Ugh! I quickly put some old jeans on and took a hoodie off the back of my door, not bothering with a shirt. It was getting cold but it wasn’t cold enough for me to layer up.

Be there in 10

.

I texted as I wrote a note letting my mom know what I was doing. It wasn’t like I had a curfew. I was 19 and going to the community college in the next town over. But my mom still liked when I told her what I was up to. So I complied.


For real?

I didn’t even bother texting him a ‘yea’ back.
I knew exactly what swing he was talking about. When we were in the 6th grade, before we were together. Him and our friends had found a swing in the forest we used to hang out in. So of course the swing became our spot. The swing was tied to a tree about 50 feet off the ground. Whoever put it up there was seriously good at climbing trees and tying knots. Over the years we had built little sitting areas and a fort big enough to fit 5 boys and me under it. The fort only had three sides and a roof. And the only reason we even built it in the first place was because one time we got caught out in the forest during a rain storm and had to wait till it stopped raining to leave the forest without getting lost. We waited out that storm for three hours. All six of us got really sick after that night. Our mom’s weren’t too happy. But the next time it rained and we had cover in the fort.


I laughed at that memory. I missed those times, back when the six of us were inseparable. But we all grew up and most of us grew apart or moved away. My smile faded.

I turned down the block to see the tall, dark trees come into view. I always hated going into the forest at night. The guys would always jump out and scare me. But I knew there wouldn’t be any of that tonight. I hoped. As I entered the threshold of the forest I let my mind wonder. I was thinking about what Logan would look like now, how he would act, what his favorite things were. At one time I knew all of those answers.

I heard an owl hoot and I nearly jumped out of my skin. I had at least three more minutes until I reached the bend, then I would have to climb up the steep hill to get to our spot. I pulled my hoodie tighter to my body, regretting not wearing a shirt under it. Only having a bra on didn’t really help fight against the chilled air.

I couldn’t tell you how many times I’ve walked this path. Maybe a thousand? Maybe more. It felt familiar and comforting to be here. But I also felt jittery, my nerves working on over time at the anticipation of seeing Logan again.

“BOO!!!”

I screamed so loud I thought I would bust a lung. I spun around to see Paul and Logan standing in front of me with huge grins on their faces, with the flash light shinning directly into my eyes. If looks could kill they’d both be dead on the dirt.

“I hate you guys!” I gritted as I smacked the flash light out of my face.

I was so mad and happy at seeing Logan again but right now I was more on the angry side. Paul leaned down and gave me a hug. Paul and I have always been close, we still are actually. We had a lot of the same classes together in the Community College so we see each other frequently.

Paul was a very tall guy. He must be around 6’5”. Compare that to my 5’1” stature, he’s a flipping giant. But he was opposite of everything I was. While I had brownish red hair he had bright blond hair, I had gold eyes he had light grey eyes. He was also very attractive. He had plenty of girls to choose from and he sure liked to be picky.

“You don’t hate us!” Paul smiled. I just glared at him.

Logan reached over to me and gave me a tight hug around the neck. “Hey.” He said.

“Hi…” My smile was huge; I realized this and quickly downsized it. My heart was still beating a mile a minute. I put hand over my heart. “You guys really did scare me.”

“You know it was as fun for us as it was for you!” Paul laughed.

“I don’t know about that one…” I smiled. I could feel Logan’s eyes on me so I looked up to him. He had grown some in the last year; he must be 5’ 10”, if that. His deep brown eyes felt like they were boring into me. I blushed and turned.

I looked around at our old hang out. It looked exactly the same only smaller. “Wow, I haven’t been here in over three years.” I said as I ran the palms of my fingers over one of the trees. I naturally walked over to ‘my spot’ it was exactly how I remembered it. I let my eyes gaze over the surroundings. Paul shinned the flash light my way.

“I can’t believe that is still there.” Paul laughed.

“What?” Logan asked. He walked over to us; again I felt his eyes watching me.

“Remember when you carved yours and Zara’s names into the tree?” Paul motioned at the tree I was staring at.

The carving was crudely etched there like it had been only yesterday when it was written, it read proudly ‘Logan+Zara 4E’ I chanced a quick look at Logan, his eyes no longer looking at me but at the tree, a small smile appeared on his lips. I reached for my ring and began to twist it around my finger.

“Wow, I can’t believe it’s lasted all these years.” Logan said.

“Well, it does say forever!” Paul laughed. I had to glare at him.

Paul knew I still had feelings for Logan. I never told him that but it was an unspoken truth between us. One of the reasons Paul and I were still good friends, Paul was good at being there for you, he could keep a secret like no other person I know.Paul laughed more when he saw my face. “Relax.” He mouthed. I stayed glaring at him.

There was an awkward silence for awhile as we all sat on the old boards. Logan’s eyes never left my face. Even though I refused to look at him I could feel his eyes on me. Paul, thankfully, finally broke the silence. “Zar, seeing anybody?”

Again I glared at him. He smiled. Stupid boy, I thought.

“No, I’m not.” I said coldly.

I looked over at Logan; his eyes were wide with surprise. “You aint got no one?”

“She just said that.” I could tell Paul was enjoying this, a little too much. I knew what he was trying to do. I was going to get him back for this. I just didn’t know how yet.
“Why?” Logan asked.
“Why what?” I had forgotten about Paul’s question.
“Why don’t you got a man?”

I looked down at the silver ring Logan had given me and I started to twist it around my fingers again.

“I don’t know. You got a girl?” I decided to counter with a question.

“Naw, I was with this one girl but she played me.” Logan said looking a little hurt.

I was trying to hold myself back from asking too many questions. Paul noticed so he asked one of the many questions that were burning in my mind. Even though I would bet my life on it he already knew the answer.

“What happened?”

The confused look on Logan’s face told me I would have won the bet. Logan hesitated but finally answered after looking at Paul like he had three heads. “I caught her cheatin’ on me with some other dick.”

“Oh…I’m…I’m sorry…” I stammered. If I was thinking of the same girl I saw him with the last time I talked to him, I was surprised she had only cheated once.

“Not your fault.” Logan spat. I caught the underlining thought behind those words. He meant it was my fault, because if we had never broken up then he would have never been cheated on.

Paul caught the look on my face. I bent my head away from both of them.

“So, Zar where you working now?” Paul changed the subject. I still didn’t turn my head to them. My eyes still had tears brimming the edges of them. Instead I looked up at the cut outs of the dark night sky, trees over taking most of the brilliant view.

“I’m dancing…” I said. Paul’s eyes got wide. He forgot what I did to make money and his face showed how guilty he felt for bringing it up in front of Logan. I wasn’t mad, more annoyed. I would die if Logan found out what kind of ‘dancing’ I was doing.

“Where?” Logan asked.

“No where you would no.” I said dryly. Hoping he would drop it.

The boys knew I loved to dance. I would always try and teach all the boys how to dance as we grew up. I told them girls loved a guy who could dance. And ever sense then they would always let me show them any new moves I had learned, which I never said no to.

“So how are the rest of the guys, you talk to them any of them still?” Paul asked, again changing the subject.

I could answer this question easily. “Mike is in jail for drug charges, he won’t be getting out for about 30 years. Pedro is married and has a baby on the way. And Lonny has three kids with three different women.”

“What?!” Logan’s face was a mix of worry and shock. I forgot sometimes that he hasn’t been around and has only talked to Paul out of all of us.

“You haven’t told him about them?” I asked Paul a little surprised.

Paul just shrugged. “He never really asked about them.”

I was surprised. But then I thought if he didn’t ask about them, he probably never asked about me either. My heart fell.

“There was only one person he ever asked about and that person was the only one who don’t have a dick.” Paul said laughing hysterically.

I started laughing when I saw Logan’s face. He swung back and punched Paul right in the shoulder. Paul grabbed his shoulder in pain but kept laughing. I smiled realizing Paul meant me.

Logan quickly changed back to the rest of the guys. “So wait, back up, Mike is in jail for how long?”

“30 years. He got busted three times with crack and weed. The judge just gave up on him.” I said. Mike being in Jail was old news, this happened a few months ago. The shock of it all wore off too.

“Well that’s his dumbass fault. Always dealing without thinking.” Paul said. Paul and Mike had been close once too. But Mike had changed after getting mixed up with heavy drugs, he had stopped hanging out with us years ago.

“Lonny has three kids?” Logan asked laughing.

“With three different girls.” Paul added.

“That boy, he was always jumping any girl he could get his hands on.” We all laughed at my comment.

“Looks like Pedro is the only one of us that actually got it right.” Paul laughed.

“No way! He’s married with a baby! He’s only 20!” Logan said. I had to laugh at him and so did Paul.

“So?” Paul asked.

“Wow, so you and Z.J. here are the only ones that are actually doing something in your life?”

“Who ever said having a family wasn’t doing something with your life?” I asked.

“You know what I mean, Z.J., don’t get all defensive.” Logan quipped.

“Well, what are you doing with your life?” I asked. He didn’t need to know that Paul was the only one really doing something with his life.

“I don’t know yet. I take it one day at a time…” I rolled my eyes.

Before someone could say something Paul’s phone went off.
“Hello?” He answered. “Ok…ok…alright….be there in a minute…ok…ok…yea, bye!” he hung up. Logan and I both raised an eye brow at him.

“I got to go.” He said.

“Really? Dint catch that from the phone call.” I said. He stuck his tongue out at me. “You’re such a child.” I smiled.

“How will I get home?” Logan asked Paul annoyed.
Paul looked at me. “Zar can drive you. Bye you two!” Paul yelled as he jogged away. “Be good! Don’t do anything I would do!”

Logan and I both rolled our eyes. I had no clue what to say to Logan, I looked over at him, his eyes still on me, like they had been all night. I started twisting the ring again.

“What?” I finally asked, annoyed with his new found staring problem.

“Nothing…”

“Liar.” I snapped.

He leaned back resting his hand behind him. “I was just thinking about how pretty you are.”

I blushed. I was glad for the lack of light so he couldn’t see. “Thanks.”

“No need to thank me for telling the truth.” He smiled.

I started twisting the ring faster. He finally looked away from my eyes to look at what I was doing. His eyes lit up.

“I can’t believe yea still got that!” he grabbed my hand before I could react to his words.

“Yea…” I really didn’t know what else to say. I had promised him once, long ago, that I would always wear it but I guess he forgot that promise.

“Wow…” He smiled. Then his face fell. “What you put it on just cause you knew I was goin’ to see yea?” his words sounded almost angry.

“No!” I gritted. I pulled the ring off to show a deep white line where the ring had once been. From the moment Logan gave me the ring, it has never left my finger. Logan’s face had so many emotions showing I could not pin point one. He glided the ring back onto my finger.

“For real?”

“Yea…for real…” I whispered.

I looked into Logan’s deep brown eyes. The eyes I have never stopped loving, the eyes I still love. Logan was the first guy I ever truly loved and he is the only one I still love.


6 years ago…

“Do you think she’ll like it?”

“No…” Paul said. I felt all the hope rush out of me. “Zar will love it!!” Paul laughed.

My smile went from ear to ear. I was too happy to be mad at Paul for messing with me. I looked down at the simple silver ring. I knew Zara liked simple things, she wasn’t all about showing off. But it was still hard to find something that I thought she’d like. Paul, Pedro, Mike, Lonny and I had spent weeks trying to find the perfect ring I could give Z.J.

“So when you goin’ to see her?” Pedro asked as he tried to fix part of the fort. It was the middle of winter, Christmas just around the corner and all Pedro was worried about was the stupid fort.

“When she gets back from her dads, not until after new year’s…” I was a little pissed about that. But it wasn’t like she had a choice. Her mom made her go, she always put up a fight to see her dad but I think secretly she really wanted to. She just would never admit to it.

“Damn! That long?” Pedro whistled.

“Yea, don’t remind me!” I growled. I closed the box and put it in my pocket.

I missed Z.J. I always did when she went to see her dad. Her dad didn’t like if she was on the computer or her phone all the time, especially if she was talking to me. So the only time I would get to talk to her was at night right before she went to bed. Her dad hated me. But I didn’t care he could hate me all he wanted; as long as Z.J. loved me I was happy. I looked over to our tree. The one I had written our names into a couple months ago. I knew Z.J. and I were meant for each other but sometimes I felt like she was holding me at a distance. That always pissed me off, no matter how close I would try and get to her, she never really let me in. but then again, I thought, we had the rest of our lives to figure it out.
“Dude!” Mike yelled. I snapped out of my day dream.

“What?” I snapped. Mike and I had grown up together. Our mom’s even have pictures of us in our dippers. Mike and I used to be close once, but once we got into junior high, mike got mixed up in heavy drugs and he really hasn’t been the same sense. Its not like we didn’t smoke up on occasion but the shit Mike was into was 10 times harder.

“Someone was thinking about Zara again!” Mike mocked.

“Fuck off.” I hardly had the patients for him anymore. All the rest of the guys knew this except Mike.

“What? You should be happy you got her! If you wouldn’t have gotten to her first there would have been plenty of other guys who would gladly take your place. You can make us feel better by telling about how good she is in bed!” Mike sat back in the fort. Pedro had stopped working on it when he heard what Mike had just said.

Zara and I weren’t having sex. She was 13 and I was 14. It’s not like I didn’t want to. But Zara wanted to wait; she said she wanted to save herself for marriage, all us guys knew that. She has been saying that forever. But that didn’t mean I didn’t love her and it didn’t stop me from wanting her to be mine. We fooled around yea, but I always made sure everything was ok to do first.

“Fuck you, Mike!” Paul said. “How dare you talk about Zar like, like she is just some other girl!” Paul looked out for Zara like a sister and ever sense Mike got into hard core drugs, Paul and I have become closer.

“She is just some other girl!” Mike said. “Just cause we all hang out don’t change the fact that she is a girl.”

“How can you say that? Man, Zara has been there for all of us just like we’ve been there for her. She aint just some girl you dick around with then cast away, she’s our friend, she’s one of us.” Pedro looked appalled.

Lonny lit up a cigarette and took a drag off it, observing us. He was always quite. I could tell, though, that he was holding his tongue, not wanting to get involved in the fight. He was two years older than me and was looked up to by most of us.

“Hey, I love the girl too, just like the rest of yea. But she is just a girl. It don’t matter that we’ve known her for so long. If I wanted to, I’d fuck her and never even think twice about her.” Mike smiled.

He must be tripping on something, anytime he was high he acted like this. It didn’t excuse him though. Pedro, Paul and I were getting ready to jump his ass. He may feel like that about Z.J. but the rest of us didn’t. I eyed Paul and Pedro the both nodded at me. It was on.

Before I could rush him Lonnie spoke up. Smoke escaping his mouth as he said his one word. “Leave.”

“What?” Mike asked. Confused.

“Leave, go away. This place here...” Lonnie motioned to the surrounding area. “…we all built together. It’s for people that actually want to be with the people here. If you don’t respect Zar like you should then you can leave. And don’t come back.”
It always surprised me how Logical and calm Lonnie was. He never argued or got into fights like the rest of us. He was one of the biggest man whores I knew, but he had a good head on his shoulders. He never took crap like this from anyone, except Z.J when she was yelling at him for sleeping around so much.

“You really want me to leave? You going to pick pussy over your own guy?” he asked all of us.

“Were picking one of us over a pussy.” Pedro said. He looked disgusted with Mike.

I wish I would have had a camera to take a picture of Mikes face. “Fuck you all! I hope you all burn.” He got up and stormed out of the forest.

~~~
“You look amazing!” I told Z.J.

She was wearing a long sweater dress type thing with boots and tights on. Her hair was straightened and she hardly had any makeup on. I loved this girl, I thought as I pulled her into my arms.

“Thank’s baby, it’s all for you!” she smiled.
I felt the box with the ring in it, inside my pocket. I was finally seeing her, a week after new year’s and I wanted to give her her gift.

“Hun, are you ok?” She asked. I was shaking I was so nervous.

“Umm, yea. Hey do you think you could go get me some water?”

She looked at me a little worried, but she did as I had asked her to. When she came back the box was in the middle of the chair she was sitting in. she handed me the water and I took it, gulping it down in seconds.

“You sure you’re ok? You want me to get your mom?” she looked really worried but I couldn’t help how jittery I felt.

“No, I’m fine, trust me?”

She shrugged her shoulders and went to sit down.

“What the…?” she started as she looked at her chair. She picked it up before she sat on the box and gave me a confused look.

“Open it, you’re killing me here, babe.” My knee was shaking.

She laughed as she ever so slowly opened the box, holding eye contact with me the whole time. I was ready to grab the box out of her hand and open it for her. But I knew I couldn’t do that. After what seemed like hours she finally got the box opened all the way. She slowly looked down at what was inside. Her eyes widened as she took it in.

“Oh…ohh….wooo…” she stammered. Her mouth was hanging open so I gently closed it with the tips of my fingers.

“umm….do you like it?”

“Like it?” she asked as she stared into the box. “I will never take it off!” Her smiled reached from ear to ear. I copied her smile and my heart finally relaxed.

“Promise?”

“I promise! It’s gorgeous! Thank you so much!” she took the ring out of it’s holder and went to put it on a random finger. I took it from her before she could put it on.

“What?” she looked annoyed. I laughed as I slipped the ring on her right ring finger.

“Left is for marriage…so I until I can afford a nice engagement ring, you can wear this ring on your other ring finger.”

“Marriage?” Zara and I really didn’t talk about the future like that. Zara had a problem with marriage and the idea of having to rely on another person. The one thing I knew about Zara that would never change is that she makes sure she doesn’t have to rely on one person for everything. She doesn’t even rely on her mom.

“I was just saying…” actually I knew I wanted to be with her forever but I knew I couldn’t tell her that.

“It’s gorgeous!” Zara smiled, changing the subject. She pulled me into a deep kiss, making me forget all about the awkwardness that had just happened.


Present day…

“Z.J. I’ve missed you…” Logan said. It has been so long sense I’ve heard him call my ‘Z.J.’ he was the only one who ever called me that.

For a moment there I really thought he was going to kiss me. I scolded myself for being disappointed that he didn’t.

“I’ve missed you too…” I said the words honestly.
There was no reason to lie. I really had missed him. As I looked at him more closely I could see he has grown so much in the past years, his shoulders wider, and his hips narrower. He had a build between boxed and athletic. His hair was longer then he usually had it and he had a couple more ear rings. But other than that he looked just like my old Logan.

It was getting colder as the night wore on. I pulled the loose fabric of my sweater tighter around my body. But it wasn’t helping all that much. Logan noticed and pulled me into the crook of his arm. I hesitated but finally let in.

“You get prettier every time I see you...”

“Thanks…” I said. Then we were quiet for awhile, watching the small pond glisten in the moon light.

“I’m sorry.” I said quickly, hoping he wouldn’t hear me.

He looked down at me. “You’re sorry? For what?” his eye brows knitted together.

I took a breath, moving away from the warmth of his body. I wanted to see his gorgeous face.

“I’m sorry because, because I ruined that for us…” I pointed to our names on the trees. I could feel hot tears forming in my eyes; I fought with all my strength to keep them from spilling down my cheeks.

Logan looks of confusion quickly vanished as understanding washed over his face. He pulled me back into his warm body. The tears spilling over when the feeling of safety and love rushed through my body.

“Listen, that was years ago…we all make mistakes and we all learn from them. We both made them and we both learned. Don’t think about the past…”

I couldn’t help but cry. I never stopped loving this man that was sitting in front of me. How could he tell me not to think of the past when that’s all I ever did? I thought about it every day…every time I looked at the ring on my finger. Every time I thought about the choices I made when I was so young and so stupid.

“I’m always thinking about the past.”

“Why think about something you can never change?”

“Because that’s all I ever have of you…your only in my past.”

“Z.J. this isn’t the past, this is the present.” Logan pulled my chin up, so I was looking at him. He leaned in and kissed me. My body instantly felt like fire was going through my veins. I’ve imagined Logan kissing me again for years but this was so much better than my mind could have imagined.
Logan pulled away. I looked up at him, my heart was racing and my breathing fast. He looked me in the eyes. “Wow…” He sighed deeply.

I smiled. “Yea, wow…”

“I’ve been wanting to do that for a very, very long time.”

Before I could reply Logan dipped his head down and kissed me for the second time. This kiss was nothing like the first. It was deep and passionate. We kissed each other like it was our lasts moments in one another’s arms. He pulled away again and started giving me small kisses down my cheek and neck until he reached the top of my hoodie.

“You don’t know how good it feels to have you in my arms again.” He breathed into my ear and my whole body shook with anticipation.

He took me by the hand as he led me into the old fort. Pedro had done a good job fixing it up. It looked old but sturdy. I’d have to find him again and tell him that the fort still stood proud.

To my surprise there was a blanket on the floor of the fort. I looked over at Logan.

“Paul brought it, don’t think badly. He said it could be muddy back here.” Logan held up his hands up in a defensive way.

“Uh huh!” I smiled.

“No really, ask him.”

“Don’t worry, I will.” I smiled.

I leaned up against the back of the fort, thankful for some protection from the cold air. Logan somehow ended up kneeling between my legs. He had my face cupped gently in his hands.

“God, you’re so beautiful…”

“I think that’s the third time you’ve told me that tonight.” I laughed.

“I can’t help if you’re so breathtaking.”
I just rolled my eyes. Logan’s face turned from playful to serious as he went to kiss me again. I couldn’t help but lick my lips.

The way Logan kissed me was like no other guy had. His lips fit with mine in every way. He pulled me so that I was lying on my side, face to face with him. He held his head up with his elbow as I laid my head on his upper arm. Logan placed his hand on my hip, he tightened his grip, pulling my body as close to his as it could get. Being literally smushed into Logan was the best place I could think to be. He rocked my body against his until I got the rhythm; he let his hand glide under my sweater and onto my bare skin. He ran his hands up my side until he felt my bra. As we kissed he moved so that his upper torso was over me.
I had my one hand on his cheek and the other arm I was half laying on wrapped around his neck. I wanted him so badly; I couldn’t even remember the last time I felt like this.

“I love you, Zara…” Logan breathed out.
I pulled back from him. “What did you just say?”

“Nothing, I’ll tell you later.” He reached down and kissed away my question. He pulled his shirt off to revel a nice looking body, defiantly different then I remember him looking.

“Aren’t you cold?” I asked as I felt his torso with my hands.

“No…” Logan reached for the hem of my hoodie and went to pull it over my head.

“Wait, I’m cold…just cause your not don’t mean I’m not either.”

Logan laughed. “I’ll warm you up. I promise. You’ll only be cold for a minute.”

I let him pull my hoodie off and I was defiantly cold. Goose bumps took over my smooth skin. Logan leaned over me and kissed my stomach. Now I had even more goose bumps but they weren’t from the cold.
I started to shake; Logan thought it was from the cold so he placed himself on top of me, warming me with his body heat. He ran his finger over my jaw line, smiling down at me.

“What?” I asked.

“Noth-”

I cut him off before he could finish. “Don’t say nothing. Tell me.”

“I’ve just really missed you. Paul has been telling me what you have been up to for years but, but it wasn’t the same as knowing first hand.”
Logan went to kiss me but I gently pushed him back. “You’ve had Paul spying on me?” I asked, I wasn’t mad…more curious.

“Well, ummm…yea….” Logan looked a little embarrassed. I smiled wide, reached my lips to his and kissed him gently.

“Dork.” I told him as I pulled away from our kiss.

“That wasn’t nice!”

“Grow up!”

“You’re younger than me!”

“So?”

“Z.J….”

I laughed at our little quarrel. It reminded me of old times. Logan rolled his eyes at me. His started to kiss me again; the passion that was between us was so intense I thought I was going to pass out.

Logan reached for my jeans, trying to unbutton them. His were already almost off. I was into the kiss so much to even notice he had taken his jeans off. It wasn’t until I felt his hand on my bare thigh that I looked down. Logan laughed and started kissing my neck and chest, moving slowly down my body. Having his lips on my body felt so good, so refreshing. Logan hooked his thump under the band on my thong, tugging them down.

“Take my boxers off.” He told me.

I hesitated. He noticed and stopped with my underwear to look me in the eyes. “What?” he whispered.

“I can’t have sex…”

He looked confused. “You on your period or something?” I rolled my eyes.

“No…”

“Then?” I could tell he was trying to remember something that happened to make me refuse him.

“I think I should leave…” I sat up trying to find my hoodie.

“No, don’t go…please. I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking with the head on my shoulders. I just want you so bad.” Logan looked a little worried. I didn’t know how to comfort him.

“I want you too. It’s just…” I didn’t know how to explain what I was feeling to him. I didn’t even know if he’s actually care.

“It’s just what?”

I took a deep breath. It was awkward having this talk with me practically naked and Logan fully naked. I kept my eyes on the corner of the fort not wanting to look Logan in the eyes.

“I, I haven’t had sex…in…”

He didn’t let me finish. “But you’re not a virgin…are you?”

“No. I just haven’t had sex in a long time.” That was the truth; I really haven’t had sex with anyone sense the guy I lost my virginity to five years ago. And I hated to think about him.

“It’s ok. I’ll go slow.” Logan said as he kissed my stomach.

“No! I think I should go.” I slipped out from under him pulling my jeans back on and looking for my hoodie.

“What? Don’t go! Come on Zara, I’m sorry. Forget I even asked.”

I didn’t say anything. I found my hoodie and crawled back into the cold night air.

“What? Is your body only belong to Zach?” Logan asked with venom.

I was stunned. I couldn’t believe Logan would ask me a question like that. I felt anger rise through my body, tears at my eyes at the memory of Zach.

“Fuck you, Logan! You don’t know anything. I hate that piece of shit! I can’t believe you said that!” I spat at him as I stormed down the steep hill, falling back a couple of times. I was out of the forest in record time. Leaving him naked in the middle of the fort.

By the time I got to my block, hot tears were running down my face at uncontrollable speeds. I felt like my heart was breaking all over again. Memories of Zach flooding my brain. Good I hated Zach and right now Logan wasn’t my favorite person either.



5 years ago…

“Logan! What the fuck are you doing?” Vikki asked.
I looked at Vikki. She was fine as hell. Tiny body, perky boobs, nice ass, long blonde hair, what more could a guy ask for? The only problem with Vikki was her attitude. She had the worst language and the worst temper. Before I met her I thought I had a bad temper, I quickly learned mine was no match for hers.

“Hello? Earth to space cadet!” Vikki said as she waved her hand in front of my face. I pushed her hand out of my face.

“What?” I snapped. God, sometimes she just bugged the hell out of me.

“I’m leaving. Marcy wants to go shopping for some dresses.” Vikki said as she grabbed her purse.

“iight. Bye.”

“What the fuck? No kiss?” She sneered. Oh yea that made me want to kiss her all the more! NOT!
But I kissed her anyway, easier to comply than to start a fight.

She walked out of my room and through the front door. I let out a sigh of relief. I don’t know why I even kept Vikki around. I didn’t love her, actually I hated her most of the time. But I kept her around anyway, much to Paul’s liking. He couldn’t stand Vikki and made it very clear that he didn’t like her at all. Not that she cared.

I couldn’t believe summer was coming to an end. I would be a sophomore this year. That meant she would be a freshman. I wasn’t too sure how school would go having her there.

I haven’t seen her sense we broke up…I missed her but I was still pissed at her. She broke up with me to go out with this mother fucker Zach. That guy was the stupidest guy I ever met. He was always talking about fighting and smoking out, which was fine with me until he stole my girl from me. I tried to tell her what a mistake she was making but she didn’t listen, like always. She was too stubborn. We’ve been broken up for sense the end of March, I haven’t seen her in four months, I haven’t even talked to her. And I’m not sure I will when I see her in school.

A pillow hitting the back of my head brought me back to reality.

“What the fuck!” I turned around to see Paul laughing at my reaction.

“What’s going on?” Paul asked as he sat on my beanbag chair.

“Nothing…”

He threw a carton of cigarettes at me. “Man, I’m trying to quit.” I said as I threw them back. Paul lit one.

“You look like you need one.”

“So I look that bad huh?” I laughed as I gave in and took one.

Paul laughed as he took a drag. “That Vikki girl is really messing with your head. You should just dump her ass already! What’s with you and these damn nasty girls?”

“I don’t want to hear it!” I could feel the nicotine calm the nerves in my body.

“Too bad. That girl is total trash! She is even worse than the last girl you were with. And I didn’t think that was possible!”

“Hey I got rid of Krissy.”

“Only cause she got pregnant by another guy!”

Paul had me there. I had no problem letting Krissy go. I had no feelings attached to her.

“Why do you keep getting with these nasty ass girls? If you aint careful you’re going to catch something bad!”

“I aint going to catch nothing!”

“That’s what everyone says.” Paul said taking another drag. “You think Zar will come back to you if you got some nasty dieses from some used up hood rat?”

“Don’t talk about her.”

“See you can’t even say Zara’s name! You still love Zara!”

“Fuck off.”

I didn’t want to talk about her. I didn’t want to think about her. It was bad enough that I thought about her in the first place. I just couldn’t get her out of my damn head! No matter who I slept with or what I smoked or drank. She was always in my head. Every god damn minute!

“We’re not talking about this!” I sneered.

“Yes we are, man! Zara will be going to our school this year. Zara will be in the same lunch as us. Zara will even have a class with you and me.” Paul said. Making sure to say her name every chance he got.

“What? How do you even know?”

“Just cause you and Zara broke up doesn’t mean I stopped talking to Zara. I knew Zara before you and Zara went out. Zara.” Paul smiled knowing that saying her name was getting to me.

I don’t know why I didn’t think they still talked. They were friends before me so why wouldn’t they be friends after me. But that doesn’t mean I like it.

“Come on!” Paul through his hands up in frustration.

“What?” I growled.

“Just ask me what I know you want to ask me.”

“I don’t want to ask you shit!”

I could tell Paul was getting pissed with me but I didn’t care. I wasn’t going to ask him anything about her. If I did I would never stop asking questions and that would just be bad for me.

“Come on, Logan. Just do it! I promise not to tell!” Paul teased. I just glared at him.

“iight fine! I’ll do it myself.” Paul said annoyed. He turned to his head so he was looking at his left side and said. “So Paul what has Z.J. been up to?” then he turned his head so he was looking at his right side. “Well, Logan, sense you want to know so bad! I’ll tell you.” Then he turned his head to the left. “Really, man? Aww that’s so sweet of you! Your really are the best friend a guy could ever have.”

“allright! Knock it off!” I growled
again. “Just fucking tell me and put me out of my misery of watching you make a bigger idiot of yourself than usual! And don’t call her my name for her!”

Paul’s smile went from ear to ear. “I’m glad you asked!” I rolled my eyes and clenched my jaw.

“Well, Zar has had a bad couple of months…” Paul started.

My heart instantly started to race on overtime.

“That Zach guy is a real piece of work! I can’t believe Zara is still with him.”

“She is still with him?” I was stunned and pissed.

Paul nodded his head. “I don’t think by choice though. You should see the way he treats Zara. Zar don’t even got any friends no more! Remember how Zara was the only one of us who ever had friends outside of our group? Well Zara don’t no more. Zara got no one but him…and me, when she can get away. That guy gots Zara under lock and key! He even tells Zara how to wear her hair and makeup. He don’t even let Zara wear dresses or skirts unless Zara is with him.”

“No way! Zara would never let a guy control her like that!” I was livid.
Paul got a huge smile on his face.

“What?”

“You said her name!”

I thought about it for a moment. I haven’t said her name in three months. Shit!

“Shut up! Tell me more…”

“That’s it. That’s all I can tell you.” Paul said looking a little disappointed.

“Fucker, there is more. Tell me!”

Paul looked hurt and sad. But I knew he would never betray her confidence. I had always liked that about him but right now I hated it.

“I’m sorry Logan, but I- you know I can’t do that.”
“Won’t!” I corrected him.

“You’re right. I won’t do that to Zara. Don’t worry; you can see for yourself what’s going on when school starts up again. But I can’t tell you.”

“You think they will still be together that long? I mean if he treats her so bad, why is she with him still? Why doesn’t she just leave?” The girl I knew would never let a guy treat her like she is beneath him. What changed?

“They will.” Paul said confidently. “It will take a lot to get him away from Zar.”

~ ~ ~

The first three periods of the first day of school were horrible! I can’t believe I have to finish this year and still have two more years left! Paul and I got lucky; we had most of the same classes together. The teachers weren’t going to be too happy about this! Trouble makers are the worst when they have their best friends in class to help them out! So the school year should be fun.

Paul had told me that she was in a class that the three of us had but so far I haven’t even seen her in the hall ways. Unfortunately I’ve seen Vikki almost everywhere. I was walking into my 8th period class when Vikki came up behind me, pulling me to the side of the door so we could talk.

“Hey, baby!” She said as she wrapped her arms around my waist.

“Hey, Vik.” I said dryly.

“You got this class next?” She motioned to the classroom I was going to walk into.

“Uh, yea. That’s why I was going to walk into it.” Sometimes she was really slow.

Vikki’s face brightened. Shit, I thought. “I got it too!” She started jumping up and down all excited.
Aw fuck!

“That’s cool.” I said trying to get out of her grasp.

I saw Paul walking up behind Vikki. His face was priceless when he noticed her. He started stomping his feet and moving his fists up and down, like a child throwing a fit. It was hard not to laugh. After a moment he stopped and calmly walked over. The looks people were giving him were hard not to laugh at either. Paul really did know how to make himself the center of attention, even if it wasn’t meant.

“Oh yeah! Icky Vikki is in our class!” Paul said using the phrase from a cartoon we used to watch.

Vikki turned in my arms to glare at him. “You’re in this class? You should drop it!”

“Now how could I do that? I want to have my favorite person in class with me!” Paul riffled up Vikki’s hair.

“God, I hate you!” Vikki stormed off inside the class.

Paul smiled and so did I. “This is going to be a long year!” I said.

“Even longer when Zar get’s here!” Paul laughed at the face I made. He pushed me inside. “Don’t worry it’ll be fun…for me!”

We walked into class, Vikki tried to get me to sit next to her but there was no way that was going to happen. Paul and I took the two farthest seats, all the way in the back. As the passing period came to a close more and more kids filed in. all the seats were filled except the seat next to me. Score! I thought. Now I could use that desk too.

“Looks like you were wrong! She aint in this class either.” I laughed at Paul.

Paul just raised his eye brows and nodded, giving me the whatever-you-think look. Class started and the teacher was nowhere in sight.

“Maybe this is a self teach class.” Paul said and we both started chuckling.

The door opened and a tall, thin woman walked in. I knew she was the teacher because I saw her last year but it still surprised me at how young she looked. Behind her, she walked in.

My mouth hung open when I saw her. She looked like a completely different girl. She had lost so much weight; she looked like skin that was stretched over bone. Her eyes had bags under them and she looked pale. Her clothes were baggy on her; she had a huge hoodie over her body, covering everything.

I looked over to Paul who was watching me watch her. He nodded his head. I couldn’t even think of anything to fucking say! My heart beat sky rocketed, all I wanted to do was jump out of the desk and take her into my arms, and then buy her a Big Mac.

“You can take the empty seat in the back.” The teacher told her. She nodded her head and looked for the seat. Her eyes took on the-deer-in-the-headlights look when she saw me. But she kept her composure and came to the desk she was told to.
She sat down and didn’t even look at me or Paul.
Up close she looked even worse. I couldn’t keep my eyes off her, one because I had missed her so much and two because she looked like a whole new girl. Paul hit me in the side, drawing my attention away from her. I turned to look at him and he shook his head. I caught his drift he was telling me not to talk to her. The bell rang and she was out the door before I had even finished packing my backpack up.

“What the fuck was that?” I asked Paul. Vikki was eyeing me but I was ignoring her.

“I told you man.”

“No, you didn’t tell me she looked like that! What the fuck is he doing to her? She looks like she’s on drugs! Like a fucking crack whore!”
“I knew you’d see for yourself. Besides would you have believed me if I told you?” Paul asked.
I thought about it. “You’re sounding like Lonny.”
“You know, Lonny does make a lot of sense when he actually chooses to talk.” Paul and I laughed.
“What are you going to do?” Paul asked as we looked for our next class.

Kick Zach’s ass was sounding like a good idea, so I thought I should get Paul’s input. “Kicking that mother fucker’s pussy ass!”

“Well, I’d say go for it.”

I was surprised that Paul agreed with me but I knew he wasn’t finished. “But, that wouldn’t do any good. Zara is stuck and only Zara can get out. Zara has had help offered by Pedro, Lonny and I, even Mike took an interest but she just tells us she can handle it. And she will, in her own way.”

“Or until he fucking kills her.”

“Well there is that too.”

I glared at Paul. “I have to talk to her.”

“Talk to her…don’t tell her what to do… Actually don’t talk to her.” Paul said rethinking his statement.

“What? Why? I can talk to her if I want.” I sneered. I was going to talk to her weather Paul agreed or not.

“Yea you can, but you won’t be around to protect her when Zach finds out you were talking to her.” Paul stated matter of fact. How the fuck could he be so fucking calm about this. I was ready to explode! “I know you’re thinking I’m crazy. But, man, I’ve been around this longer than you. And you know Zara she is hard to control.”

“Well he seems to have a good handle on it.” I muttered.

“Yea, well, there’s a reason for that too.”
It was driving me nuts not knowing what was going on, not knowing what Paul knew. I glared at him hoping he’d tell me.

“I’m not going to tell you. Just be happy.”

“Be happy, how the fuck am I supposed to be happy?”

“Because, the last time I saw Zar she looked ten times worse than she does now.” Paul growled as he walked away from me. Leaving me standing alone and confused and royally pissed!!!

As school ended I walked out the front doors to see Zach and her standing with a group of Zach’s friends. She was closely held at his side. I caught her eyes and she quickly turned away. I recognized that look, she was ashamed and embarrassed. My blood boiled again. I turned from the direction I was headed and started walking over to them. I was going to take her away from that bastared weather she liked it or not. She saw me coming, her eyes full of fear. Out of nowhere Paul was at my side. He took me by the arm.

“Don’t you dare cause a scene.” He demanded.

I was too pissed to even reply. I just let him drag me away, my eyes not leaving hers until the absolute last moment.


Present…

I saw my mom’s car still wasn’t home and I looked at my phone. It was well past midnight, almost one. I wondered where she could be. But knowing my mom she probably got caught up talking to her friends. I walked into the dark house, turning on lights as I went. I went to make sure my brother was in bed, he was sound asleep. But I smelled the gross smell of weed coming through his room. I rolled my eyes and shut my door. I checked my phone again to see if Logan had tried to call, nope. I thought about calling Paul but decided against it. I just went into my room, not bothering with the last. I sat on my bed and just stayed like that. I didn’t even move when I heard the front door open. I looked at my clock, it was almost two. Wow, I have been sitting here, looking at nothing for an hour, I thought. I heard my mom come up the stairs, then knock on my door.

“I’m up.” I called to the closed door.

I watched as the light splashed across my dark room, making my eyes squint. As they focused I noticed it wasn’t my mom.

“Logan?!” I asked in total shock. “What the fuck-” before I could finish my sentence Logan had his lips on mine.

I pushed him back. “Get out!” I whispered as meanly as I could without being too loud.

“Let me explain!” Logan looked desperate. But I wasn’t about to put mercy on him.

“No!”

“Well I’m not leaving until I explain!” And he used to call me stubborn?

“Too bad! Get out!” I pushed him back. He hardly even moved. Ugh! I hated that I wasn’t strong!

I couldn’t see Logan’s face, all I saw was his outline. “If you’re not going to listen to me at will, I will force you.” He was getting pissed. Good, I thought.

“Get. Out!”

“Do you know how hurt I was when you left me for that fucker? I thought I was going to…ugh, I don’t know what I was going to do but I was so hurt and felt so abandoned. You’re the first and only girl I ever loved! I have never been able to get you out of my fucking mind! No matter what or who I did! You were always in my head. I used to think I was going crazy because I literally got the shakes from not being near you! Don’t you understand Z.J? I love you with more than just words or feelings! I don’t even know how to make you understand!

When I saw you with him, when I saw you look like you did, when I heard the rumors, it took all I had, with Paul’s help, not to do anything stupid! All I wanted to do was protect you and you wouldn’t let me! You lost your virginity with him and not me! You let him control you and beat you and force you to have sex! Do you know how fucking hard that was for me to see and not be able to do anything about it?”
I was crying so hard by the time he finished. I knew I had hurt him. And I hated myself for it, everyday.
When I broke up with Logan, it wasn’t because I didn’t want to be with him or that I liked Zach more. It was because I thought he didn’t love me anymore.

“How can you say that to me?” I asked him threw my sobs.

“Say what?” confused, he grabbed my arm and led me to my bed.

“That you loved me so much! Mike told me you didn’t, that you were just pretending! That’s why I broke up with you.” I was trying to calm myself down but it wasn’t working.

“What?” Logan exploded.

“Shhh! My brother is sleeping!” I scolded.
Logan ran his hand over his head and let out a breath to try and calm himself down. “That is not ture, and if I ever see that shit again I will kick his ass.”

“He’s in jail.” I reminded him. “Fuck…” he mumbled.

“So you left me because of what Mike said?”

“That and I didn’t want you to break up with me. I was scared of being with you. You loved me so much and I didn’t think I deserved that…”

Logan cut me off “You thought you deserved being beat and rapped instead of being loved?”

“No…I’m sorry…it’s just that you weren’t around a lot and I thought you were trying to clue me in, I’m so sorry, Logan, I’m so sorry…” I quivered.

Logan pulled me onto his lap, he took my chin in his hand and forced me to look at him. “Stop saying you’re sorry!” he demanded and I nodded my head. “I’m not happy about the choices you made or the choices I made either. We both made mistakes. Not just you and not just me. Ok?” I nodded again, I didn’t trust my voice. Then Logan said something that took me off guard. “I’m so proud of you!”

“What? Why?” I was so lost as to why he would say this.

He smiled at me. “Because you got out, you got out by yourself. Granted you stayed way too long but you did get out and I’m proud of you for that. You’re the bravest girl I know and I love you so much.”

“I love you too!” I said as I kissed his cheek.

He took my chin in his hand again and moved my face in front of his. He kissed me like it was the last kiss we would ever have.

“You…are mine…and you…always…will be.” Logan said between kisses.

60 years later…

“Grandma…”

“Yes, my child?” my grandma asked me as she finished folding a shirt.

“Do you think that I was stupid for breaking up with Josh?” I avoided looking her in the eyes.
She put the second shirt down and looked at me. “Child, look at me…” I did.

“Do you love this Josh fellow?”

I thought about it for a moment. Josh and I had been going out for almost nine months. He was very handsome and very funny. His bright green eyes made me smile every time I saw them.

“Um, I think I do…” I said meekly.

“There is no thinking involved in love, child. There is only feeling.”

I was pretty sure I did. I just didn’t want to waste my life only being with one guy. I wanted to explore who else was out there.

“I just don’t want to be tied down so young…” I said in a huff.

My grandma laughed. “That’s good, child. You know though, you can’t complain if the one you truly love finds you so young.”

“But why couldn’t I wait to meet Josh until I was older?” i watched as my grandma twisted a silver ring on her right hand.

“His love is so strong for you, he found you sooner than he should have.” My grandma said as she wagged her pointer finger at me.

“So what should I do?” I asked annoyed she gave me the run around to my question.

“What do you feel you should do?”
I thought. “I don’t want to lose him…”

“Then, child, why are you asking me for advice? You already knew what you wanted.”

I stayed silent. My grandma took this as an opportunity to continue. “You just wanted to get reassured, is that right?” my grandma laughed lightly.

“Yes, I think so?” I was confused.
My grandma took a deep breath. “When I was young, younger than you, I met the love of my life. But I let him get away from me. And I regretted it for a long time.” My grandma’s eyes filled with water.

“But don’t you love grandpa?” I was shocked. They seemed like the perfect couple.

“She may have let me go at one point but I loved her too much to stay away for too long.” My grandpa said as he walked into the room giving my grandma a kiss on the head. She smiled up at him, taking his hand in hers.

“Wait…you broke up with grandpa when you guys were young?” Wow, I thought. I never would have imagined them ever seeing other people.

“Yes…” My grandma said. “I was like you, afraid of the unknown. I didn’t want to miss out. But what I didn’t realize was I was missing out on the love of my life. Those years I was apart from your grandpa were the worst years in my life.”

“But she wised up and took me back!” Grandpa smiled.

I was still in shock but I new what I had to do. “Wow, can’t wait to hear all about this, but I need to call Josh.” I flew out of the living room, leaving my grandparents laughing and holding hands. I needed to find my cell phone!

Impressum

Tag der Veröffentlichung: 01.01.2011

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