Chapter 1

I layed on my bed and thought about what I was planning to do. I cried. And I thought to myself, "It's all my fault. I can't go on knowing that it's my fault. I deserve to be dead not him. He did everything right. Not me. I'm worthless and don't deserve this lfe given to me. He did."
Then I finaly got up and walked over to the the chair. I looked up and swallowed as I looked at the rope that would put me to sleep and take the missery away. I then stepped up on the chair and put the rope around my neck. I looked back at my life and seen how I have lived it.
When I was six everything was fine. I loved my life then. I was a normal kid. My parents were together, my brother was my whole world. We were close. He protected me. And so did my other older brother. My two brothers were twins. Martin and Matt. They both loved me very much. And I loved them. We played games and had a good time. When I turned ten, my dad had left us. He went with another woman on my birthday. He didn't say anything. He didn't call to say I love you. My mother actually reported him as missing. When he had heard about it he wrote to my mother telling her that he was okay but he had left her. My mother cried for months. It broke my heart to see her like that. And I didn't speak for a year. I finally spoke when I turned eleven. And then that's when everything started going downhill.
I met my first dealer and tried some Cocaine. I couldn't stand the needle so I snorted it. But then I was able to handle the needle. I used the money that I had saved up since I was five to support my addiction. I saved up every bit of money that I had gotten so I had over two thousand dollars. I couldn't believe I had so much but my Aunt was a lawyer. She was a very good lawyer. But she died when I was 14. My money lasted me until I was 15.
One day my brother, Matt, walked in my room and caught me shooting up. I stopped when he came in and saw it. He yelled at me and took me to mother. Mother cried and she made me tell her where my stash was. I showed her and she flushed it down the toilet. I was grounded for two months. And I was mad at my brother for ratting me out. She had thought that I was clean for the two months that I was grounded, but I only snuck out in the middle of the night and returned before anyone realized that I was gone. Everything was different from then on.
I am now 18. It was only two weeks ago that my Martin walked in my room to find me buying Morphine and Cocaine off of my dealer. He got into a big fight with him. I tried to stop him but he wouldn't listen to me. Then my dealer pulled a gun out and shot him in his head. He's in jail now but that doesn't change the fact that Martin's dead.
I couldn't think about that anymore. It was too painful and I knew that I didn't deserve the life that everyone was trying to give me. I jumped off the chair and kicked it out of reach. I just dangled there sufficating. Then I slowly closed my eyes. The last thing I saw was my Evanescence poster on my door. I could've sworn that I saw it open a crack when I closed my eyes but I'm not sure.

I don't know what happend but I woke up. I looked around and it seemed to be a hospital room. My mom was sitting beside my bed in a chair. She had her arms folded on the bed with her head burried in ehr arms. She seemed to be asleep. Then at that moment Matt walked in and saw that I was awake. He smiled and tapped mom on the shoulder, "Hey she's awake." Mom sat up and looked at me, "Thank god. I thought that we had lost you." I frowned, "Where am I? What happend?" Mom answered, "Matt walked in to find you unconscious hanging from a rope. You almost died." I turned around on my side and put my hand on my pillow, "He should've just let me hang there." Matt folded his arms, "No I shouldn't have. And I'm glad that I didn't. We already lost one person. We can't lose another one." Mom put her hand on my shoulder but I moved away. She folded her arms, "Emily. Why did you try to kill yourself?" I just ignored her and silently cried to myself. Matt put his hand on her shoulder, "Mom. Why don't you go get a soda from the machine. I'll try and talk to her." Mom nodded and left. When she left Mattsat in the chai that she was sitting in and tapped my shoulder, "Emily. Turn around and look at me." I sighed, "Why?" "So I can talk to you." He answered.
I turned around and looked at him. He wipped the tears from my face, "Emily. Why do you want to die?" I sat up facing him and answered, "Because I don't deserve to be alive. Martin should be alive. But he's dead because of me. I killed him. I mean, I didn't shoot him, but he wouldn't have gotten shot if it weren't for me. He had a life that meant something. His was more important than mine. I can't live knowing that I took that away from him." Matt took my hands, "Emily. It's not your fault. He walked in and saw a drug dealer pushing you to get hooked back on the drugs. He did what I would've done." I turned away from him and walked over to the window. I looked out the window and cried. I knew that he was wrong. He wasn't pushing me into getting hooked on drugs again. I never stopped. I felt ashamed of myself. I have them thinking that I had stopped using drugs since I was twelve. Matt came over to me and put his arm around me, "Talk to me." I shook my head, "Why did he have to die? He deserved the life that was given to him. He made something of his life. And he was only 25." Matt turned me to him and hugged me, "It's going to be okay. But you can't keep thinking that you're the one to blame for his death." I pulled away from him and ran into the bathroom. I shut the door and locked the door before he could follow me. He tried to open the door but he couldn't. He started banging on the door, "Emily! Open the door!" I cried and yelled out, "No! Just go away! I don't want to talk right now!" Matt stopped banging on the door and I heard footsteps so I assumed that he left. I walked over to the toilet and sat down. I bent over and put my head in my lap.
There was a knock on the door and my mom called in, "Emily. Please open the door sweetie." I sat up and walked over to the door. I wipped my tears away and unlocked the door. When I opened the door my mom hugged me. I just stood there. She pulled back and led me over to the hospital bed. I asked, "Mom, can we please go home now?" Matt was standing over by the window when he said, "No. We have to wait until some consulor gets here. They need to talk to you." I sat on the bed, "Why do I have to talk to them?" My mom answered, "Because when someone tries to commit suidcide, the hospital has a consulor talk to that person to find out why and make sure that they won't do it again. Emily, are you going to do it again?" Matt walked over to stand next to mom. They both looked at me and waited for me to answer. I sighed and folded my arms, "No." I looked away from them. My mom hugged me, "Good. I don't know what I'd do if I lost you." Matt sat next to me and brushed his fingers through my hair, "Have you thought about what I told you? About it not being your fault?" I sighed and looked at him, "I know that you want me to think that it's not my fault but it is. I can't lie to myself and say that it isn't. I will never stop thinking that. I'm going to try to live with that. Because I just promised you two that I wouldn't try to kill myself again." Mom looked at me and then at Matt, "What does she think is her fault?" Matt answered, "She thinks that Martin's death was her fault." Mom looked at me, "Oh baby, it's not your fault. Please don't think that." I got up and walked over to the window crying. They followed me over there. My mom put her hands on my face, "Baby, it's not your fault. Not one bit." I pushed her hands away from my face and yelled, "Stop calling me baby! I'm not your daughter! Or at least I shouldn't be! I killed your son! I killed my brother!" Matt shook his head, "No you didn't! Like I told you . . ." I interrupted him, "No! Don't tell me that the dealer was pushing me to start drugs again, and that you would've done the same thing! Because it's not true! I was buying drugs! I never quit! I've been hooked on drugs and shooting up since I was eleven. And when you grounded me I just snuck out in the middle of the night and got high." Matt came over to me and took my hands, "Emily. Please tell me that that's not true." I turned my arms around to show him my inner arms, "It's true! You can't tell me that you haven't seen more needle scars! And when I did I was always out of the house so that you wouldn't see me when I was high!" My mom went over and sat down on the chair crying. I sat down on the floor and buried my face into my arms crying. Matt was blown away by what I just told him. I could tell when I glanced up at him to see him starring at me with a shocked look. Matt then said, "I'm going to go for a walk. I'll be back in a little bit." My mom wipped her tears away and nodded, "Okay." Matt left and I just stayed there on the floor crying silently to myself.


Chapter 2

After I talked to the consulor we went home. Everyone was quiet on the drive home.
When we got inside the house I walked into my room and Matt followed me. I layed down on my bed and I didn't say anything. Matt put the chair back under the rope and stood on it. He took a pocket knife out from his pocket and cut the rope down, "I thought that I'd take this down for you." I just layed there and stared at the floor. Matt put the knife away and and walked over to me. He knelt in front of me and grabbed my hand, "We need to talk. But not right now. It's late and we all need to get some sleep."
Matt was about to get up but then I said, "I'm sorry." Matt smiled slightly, "We were so close. All three of us were so close. I remember me, you and Martin used to go to the park and play together. Remember the time when were playing on the monkey bars and you fell? You would've hit your head if I didn't catch you. They were good times." I nodded, "Yes they were." Matt asked, "What happend to them?" I looked at the family picture that was on the dresser across the room and Matt followed my gaze. Then he turned back around to me. I answered, "I don't know. Good times just never last I guess." I was still looking at the family picture. I didn't even realize it. Matt kissed my cheek, "Well, get some sleep. We'll talk in the morning. I love you." I replied, "Don't love me. It just gets people hurt." Matt sighed and turned around. As he turned around I could see that he was crying.
When he left I cried and got out of bed. I went over to my dresser and opened the top drawer. I reached in under my clothes and pulled out my needle and what little drugs I had left. If I wanted to continue my addiction I had to get some more. But I took it over to my bed and set it down. I sat on the bed and loaded the needle with the Cocaine. I took an alcohol swab and rubbed it on my arm. then I threw it on the floor and grabbed the needle. I stuck it in my arm and shot up. I knew that I shouldn't have but I just felt so depressed I didn't know what to do. And I had the need for it. After I pumped it in I took the needle out and just held it. I felt the rush of the Cocaine go through my veins a moment later. That's when I fell to the bed asleep.

It was 9:30 when I woke up to Matt tapping my arm, "Emily. Emily wake up." I opened my eyes and looked at him, "What time is it?" Matt stood up and brought his hand up to show me the needle he had in his hand, "It's 9:30. You shot up last night?"Ibrushed my hands through my hair, "Yeah. I'm sorry. I needed it." Matt shook his head and went over to my dresser, "Where is it? Your stash, where is it?" I answered, "That was my last bit. I swear. If I had more I would've shot that up too." Matt continues to look through her stuff, "I'm sorry Emily. But I'm doing this because I love you." I nodded, "I know. I don't know why I started drugs." Matt went over to my closet and started lookin through it, "I think I do. We'll talk about that later." He grabbed something that rattled and brought it out. He came over to me and held them up, "You take sleeping pills?" i nodded, "When I can't sleep or when I don't have any drugs to get high on." He frowned, "Do you know that if you take too much of these that you can go to sleep and not wake up? And you fell asleep holding the needle. You could've stabbed yourself with it in your sleep." I looked at the floor and nodded, "I know. But I didn't go to sleep holdong the needle on purpose. That was an accident." Matt sighed, "You passed out. Get dressed. We'll be waiting for you in the living room." He left with the needle and pills.
When I went downstairs mom and Matt were sitting on the couch. I sat on the armchair that was placed across the room. I pulled my legs up and leaned on the arm of the chair. My mom leaned forward, "Emily. We need to talk about this addiction. And you're taking sleeping pills?" I nodded, "I'm sorry. I. . .I have no excuse. I don't even know why I started. I want to stop. I really do. But it's just . . .I can't stop. I need it." Matt shook his head, "No you don't. That's just the addiction talking. And I think I know why you started drugs in the first place. This all started when you were eleven. Dad left when you were ten. You didn't talk for a year. And then you just one day started speaking. I think that that's when you found something else to take the pain away." I frowned and folded my arms, "What makes you think that?" Matt answered, "Because that's when it all started. And last night when you told me that you didn't know what made you start you stared straight at the family picture that was on your dresser." I looked away and sighed, "Well, that's not the reason. I wouldn't get mad at that bastard and feel pain for him for this long." My mom looked at me and said, "Emily don't use such language like that about your father." I looked at her and asked, "Why what has he done to earn my respect? He's a jackass and he needs to open his eyes." I looked at the floor and bit my tongue before I said anything else. Matt said, "Emily. We know that it hurts you to know that dad left us without a word and didn't come back. But you can't do what you're doing to yourself. You need to get help and we want to help you." I was so mad at the moment that he brought the subject of dad up. Matt continued, "There's this rehab center that we think that would be great for you. They would give you conculing and they would help you get clean . . ." I stood up and yelled, "No! That's okay! I don't want your help! I'm going to my room!" I ran to my room and slammed my door shut. I locked the door and layed down on my bed. There was a knock on the door, "Emily! Unlock the door!" It was Matt. I yelled out, "Go away! Just leave me the hell alone!" Matt called in, "No! We need to talk! Look, I'm sorry if I upset you but I truely think that that's the reason why you started! Please open the door!" I picked up my family album and threw it at the door, "Leave me alone! Go away!" Matt called in, "Fine. But we'll talk later." I layed on the bed and cried. Then I looked up at the family album that I threw at the door. I got up and went over to the door. I picked up the album and sat down. When I opened the book the first picture I saw was the one when I was two. It was me and my father at the park. I don't remember that day at all but from the picture it looked like we were having a good time. My dad was holding me and I was laughing. I turned the page and seen a picture at my fifth birthday. My face was covered in cake. They had shoved my face in the cake that day. I had to blow my nose to get all the cake out. I moved on and turned the page. It was a picture of me and my dad with both my brothers. It was the last picture that I had ever taken with my dad. I had more pictures in my album but I couldn't look at them anymore. I put the book down on the floor leaving it open to the page I was looking at. I got up and walked over to the window and opened it. My room was on the first floor and in the front of the house. I climbed out of the window and left.

I walked into the neighborhood where all the other druggies and prostitutes hanged out at. I had gotten a new dealer since Martin died. One reason was he was in jail where he belonged. But even if he weren't in jail, I would have gotten a new one. I walked to the corner where my dealer was, "Hey Chris. Can I talk to you?" Chris walked over to me, "What up? You run out already?" I nodded, "Yeah. But I can't pay you right now. Could I get some and pay you later? I swear I'll pay you back." Chris groaned, "You know I hate to do that. I'm not saying that you won't pay me back. But things happen and people don't pay me back sometimes. And then I have to get mean and you know that I don't like that." I nodded, "I know. But I'll find a way to get the money." Chris smiled and looked up and down me "But I don't know. I think that we can make a trade from now on. I give you some of that stuff and all you have to do is come to my crib. Do we have a deal?" I didn't want to prostitute for my drugs but I was desperate and I needed some. I didn't have any money and I didn't know how I would get some. I looked at him and smiled, "Deal." He put his arm around me and told his friends that he'd be back in a couple of hours.

When we got to his place I put my jacket on the chair and sat on the couch. He sat next to me and placed his hand on my face, "Have you done this before?" I nodded, "Yes. I have. I know what to do." He leaned in and kissed me. I kissed him back. In about a moment or two he put his hands on my breasts. I didn't flinch but I felt uncomfortable. Then he moved his hands and unbuttoned my shirt. When he got the last button undone he move my shirt to the side. I removed my hands from his shoulders and moved them to my side letting him take my shirt off. When he got my shirt off he threw on the coffee table. He stood up and stood me up with him, "Turn around." I turned around and he unsnapped my bra. He threw it with my shirt and turned me around. He bent down and kissed my neck. I closed my eyes and just stood there. He moved down and kissed my breast and suckled. Then he reached down and unbuckled my pants.

When I woke up we were laying on the couch together. I woke him up, "Hey. Wake up." He stood up and stretched, "You're good. Worth every bit of what I'm giving you." I looked and the clock that he had on the wall. It was five in the afternoon. I got dressed and asked, "Alright. Can I get my stash now?" He nodded and got dressed. He went upstairs to get it. When he came back down he had the needle and the bags full of drugs. He gave them to me and kissed me, "Here they are. As promised." I smiled and loaded the needle with some of the Morphine. He asked, "You're doing that right now? Man, you is in need of it." I just simply smiled and pumped the shitty Morphine. About a half of an hour later I was out of it. I didn't pass out but I was going to sooner or later.
I felt Chris carry me out to the car and start to drive. He said, "I'm taking you home. You're about to pass out." I tried to say, "No. Don't take me home." But all that came out of me was muttering that he couldn't understand. Or maybe he understood and just wasn't listening to me.
When the car stopped he came around and carried me out to the door. He knocked on the door and my mother answered it. When she saw me she said, "Oh my god. Come in. Put her on the couch. Matt!" Chris walked in and set me down on the couch. Matt asked, "What the fuck happend to her?" Chris answered, "She shot up and now she's high. She'll be fine in a couple of hours." I got a little worried when I heard yelling and then I heard Chris run out of the house. Matt came over to me, "Emily. What did you do this time?" I tried to speak but I couldn't. I passed out minutes later.

When I woke up I was in my room. I looked around and I saw Matt sitting on a chair by the door. I asked, "Where am I?" Matt answered, "Home. In your room. You snuck out and got high again. Do you have any on you?" I felt my pocket and felt I could feel the drugs in there. I nodded, "Yes." Matt came over to me and asked, "How are you getting the money for them?" I looked away, "I ran out of the money mother gave me two weeks ago." Matt repeated, "Alright, but how did you get some this time if you didn't have any money?" I didn't answer him because I knew that he would get upset. Matt sighed, "Emily. I need to know so that me and mother can prevent it next time." I shook my head, "I swore I would never do it just for drugs. I promised myself that I would find a way to get the money. But I couldn't get the money. And I needed it." I hesitated for a moment or two and then answered, "We had a trade. Me and the guy who brought me here, Chris. He said from now on he would just give me the drugs without me having to pay money, but I would have to have sex with him. And I did." Matt took a deep breath in and slowly let it out, "You prostituted for drugs?" I nodded, "Yes. And I'm sorry." Matt stuck out his hand, "Give me them. Give me the drugs." I looked at his hand and then up at him, "No." Matt sat next to me, "Emily. You can't have these drugs around you. They're going to kill you one day. I don't want to lose my baby sister. I'm your brother. We are so close. Or we used to be. We used to tell each other everything. But once you turned ten everything changed. You wouldn't talk for a year. And even then we were still close. Not as close as before but we were close. And then you turned eleven. That's when it really changed. You started to go out more. You didn't want to talk to us. Whenever we tried to bring up conversation we were the ones talking. I'm not even sure that you were listening. Or at times you would say that you were tired and you went to your room. Do you honestly want it to be like that. Martin wouldn't want you keep living like that. He loves you. I love you. Mother loves you." He held out his hand again, "Please. Give me them. You need help and both mother and I want to help." I looked at him and then turned to my pocket. I reached my hand inside and pulled out the drugs and my needle. I looked at it and then back at Matt. I sighed and placed them in his hand. He took them and hugged me, "Thank you sis. Me and your mother love you so much and we don't want to see anything bad happen to you."

At dinner time I hardly ate anything. I was just looking at my plate and thinking to myself about everything that has been going on. Mom looked at me and said, "Darling please try to eat something. You need to eat." I nodded and picked up my fork. I started eating but slowly.
When I was done eating I sat on the couch and just fidled with my fingers. Mom came in and sat next to me, "How are you doing?" I quietly answered, "Fine." Mother hugged me, "It's going to be okay baby. Once we get you to the rehab center everything's going to be alright and the way it used to be." I thought to myself, "No it's not. Martin's dead because of me. And dad ran away." But I just simply sat there and watched the T.V.

Chapter 3

The next day around noon I went into the living room to find both mother and Matt sitting on the couch. I had my jacket on since it was cold outside. Mom asked, "Where are you going?" I answered, "To the park. Simon just called. He wants to meet up with me." As I walked past Matt he grabbed my hand and said, "Don't come back with any drugs." I shook my head, "I won't." And left.

When I got to the park Simon was sitting on the bench. I walked over to him, "Hey." He stood up immediately and hugged me, "I've missed you so much. I would've came earlier but your mother said that she didn't want any visiters in the house at the time. So I didn't but I had to see you today. Are you alright?" I nodded, "I'm fine. My mom and Matt know about the drugs that I'm on and they're trying to get me to quit. They just took my stash today." Simon smiled, "That's good. Is that the reason why your mother doesn't want anybody in the house?" I shook my head, "No, well, it's part of it. But it's not the main reason. I . . . I tried to kill myself the other day. I hung myself in my room but Matt found me and they rushed me to the hospital." Simon grabbed my hands, "What? Why?" I answered, "Because I killed my brother, Martin. I didn't want to live so I tried to hang myself. But that didn't work out." Simon hugged me and squeezed gently, "I'm so glad that you're okay. I love you. And it's not your fault." I shrugged, "That's what everybody tries telling me but I know that it's not true."

At that moment Chris came up to me and tapped me on my shoulder, "Hey. Emily. Come with me for a second." He walked over to a tree and waited for me. I looked at Simon, "I'll be right back. Stay right here." I walked over to Chris, "What? And don't do anything to show anything of what we did because my boyfriend's right over there." Chris shook his head, "No. Of course not. But I figured that your mother would take the stuff from you so I have another pack here for you. The needle and all. And don't worry. I'm not like those other dealers, I'm not going to charge you for this one. Any other ones I will, but not for this one. This time it was my fault. I took you home when I knew that I shouldn't have." Hehanded me the pack and I put it in my back pocket, "Thank you." Chris said, "Alright. Don't mention that to anybody around here. They'll think that I'm punking out and then I'll have to charge you." I nodded and walked back to Simon, "Sorry about that. He . . . he owed me some and he couldn't give it to me over here." Simon asked, "Aren't you quiting?" I answered, "They want me to quit but I don't know. I don't know if I can. I need it now." Simon bent down and kissed me. After a minute he pulled away and moved my hair out of my face, "I wish you would quit. I love you and I don't want anything to happen to you." I sighed and hugged him, "Please stop saying 'I love you'. People just get hurt. Either you get hurt or I get hurt. But somebody always gets hurt." Simon replied, "No one's going to get hurt. I promise. They're just words that express how you feel about someone. Come on. I'll drive you home." I nodded and walked to his car, "Please don't tell my mom or Matt about me getting some from Chris." Simon started the car and drove down the street, "I won't but you have to quit some day soon." I nodded, "I will."

When we got to my house Simon and I walked inside. Mother was still sitting on the couch, "Hello Simon." Simon replied, "Nice to see you Mrs. Butler." I grabbed Simon's hand and walked to my room. When we got there Matt was sitting on my bed looking through my family album. I said, "Matt. What are you doing?" He answered, "Just looking at the pictures. The ones where we were truely happy and everything was right." He looked up and saw Simon, "Hey Simon. I didn't realize that you were standing there. I'll go now." Matt got up and went over to me, "Did you get any?" I shook my head, "No. I was with Simon the whole time." Matt nodded and left.

When he left Simon and I sat on the bed. He asked, "What do you plan to do? You can't keep telling them that you're clean and then you're still hooked on it." I shrugged, "I don't know. It's different when you're the one going through it. To everybody else it's just an addiction. But to me it's a curse that can't ever be removed. I feel as if I need it just as much as I need air. I can't live without it." Simon grabbed my hand and said, "It is a curse. But it's a curse that can and will be lifted from you if you try." I layed in his arms and sighed, "But I don't want to try. I don't want the pain to return." He rubbed his hand on my head, "I know. But you have people here that love you very much that will go through hell to help you. You know that right?" I nodded, "Yes. I know."


Chapter 4

After Simon left there was a knock on my bedroom door. I was sitting on my bed and I called out, "Come in." Matt came in and sat next to me, "Hey. How are you feeling?" I nodded, "Good. I guess. Am I suppost to feel something?" Matt shrugged, "I don't know. I was just wondering. Are you thinking about going to that rehab center that we talked about?" I sighed and shook my head, "No. I think that it would be best for me to just quit right here at home. I don't want to leave here." Matt nodded and smiled, "Okay. But you will quit right?" I nodded, "Yes."

When Matt left I took the drugs and the needle out of my pocket and put it under my clothes in my dresser.

The next day at 12:30 I went for a walk. I didn't walk in the same neighborhood that I usually do. I walked in the neighborhood where people didn't just hang on the streets and do drugs or prostitute. I was thinking. I was thinking about everything. I was thinking thinking about how I'm addicted to these drugs and how I killed Martin with my addiction. I don't know what to do. At that moment a car honked at me. When I turned to see who it was they guy in the car got out of his car and started walking towards me. He looked familiar. But I couldn't put a name or a face to him. He had dark brown hair that had a couple patches of gray hair. He was thin and he had a gray old navy sweater on with blue jeans. When he approached he said, "Hello Emily." I frowned and asked, "I'm sorry. Do I know you? You look like someone I know but I can't put a name to you." The guy nodded, "You once knew me. You see, I'm Carl Butler. I'm your father." My lungs seized to work. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. This is my father. After all these years he came back. My eyes got all watery and I began to cry. He went to wipe my tears away but I pulled away, "No! Don't touch me you bastard!" I ran off down the street and didn't once look back.

When I got home I stormed in and ran straight to my room. My mother and Matt tried to talk to me to find out what was wrong but I just ran straight to my room. I locked the door and went over to my dresser. I opened my top drawer where my drugs were and reached inside for them. But they weren't there. I pulled out my clothes and threw them on the floor. I couldn't find them. I cried, "Where is it?!Where the hell is it?!" I tore through my clothes in my dresser to try and find it. But it wasn't there. I threw everything that was on my dresser off of my dresser ignoring my mother and Matt when theyn called in for me to unlock the door. After a few minutes I got up and unlocked the door. I opened it and walked out into the living room. They followed me. I turned around and yelled, "Where is it?! Where did you put it?!" Matt answered, "They're gone. I flushed them down the toilet and got rid of the needle. You don't need that anymore. You never did. Now let's talk. Why are you upset?" I put my hands to my face and just stood there crying. Matt and my mother came over to me. My mom said, "Emily. Talk to us. What happend?" I pushed them away from me and ran out the door. Matt followed me out. He grabbed my hand, "Emily! You're not leaving! Every time you leave you get some drugs and you're really upset! I don't want you to hurt yourself!" I pulled my arm back and ran off as far as I could. Matt yelled after me, "Emily! Come back! Emily!" I didn't care what they had said. I had to leave and shoot up.

I walked over to Chris and said, "Chris. I need some more. Can we go to your place?" He nodded, "Sure." He said goodbye to his buddies and we left.

After we were done having sex he gave the pack and got the needle loaded with both Morphine and Cocaine at the same time. Chris looked at me whileI pumped it into my system and said, "Now I know that you're pretty upset about something but you've been on that long enough to know that it's bad to shoot them up together." I rolled my eyes, "Whatever. Do you have anything to drink? Something strong? Really strong?" Chris nodded and went into the kitchen. When he came out he had a bottle of liquor called 151. He handed it to me, "Be careful with that stuff. It's extremely strong." I put my drugs away and opened the bottle. I gulped it down and stopped when I got half way through the bottle, "Thank you." Chris nodded, "Alright but you gotta go now. I'm expecting my gang to be here soon and they ain't too friendly." I got up and took the bottle with me.

I walked home drinking the bottle of 151. I was drunk by the time I hit my corner. When I got up to my house I fell to my knees. Matt was sitting on the porch when I got to the house but he came running over to me when he saw me fall to the ground. I muttered, "I'm okay. I'm okay." He picked me up and then everything went dark. I couldn't see nothing. Or feel nothing. Or hear nothing. I didn't even think I was breathing anymore. I guess that I had passed out.


Chapter 5

I woke up in a hospital bed. When I looked around I saw Matt and my mother standing beside me with worried faces. Mother grabbed my hand, "We were worried about you. What were you trying to do?" I just layed there and stared up at the ceiling. Mom repeated, "Emily. Talk to us baby. We only want to help you. We want you to come clean. We don't want to lose you." I sat up and brought my knees to my chest. I held them there and burried my head in my lap crying. I remembered everything that had happend before I passed out. Matt came over to me and rubbed my back, "Emily please. Tell us what's wrong. Maybe we can fix it so that everything will be alright again." I got up and walked into the bathroom. I didn't want to say anything to them at the moment. I was feeling so depressed on what had happend. I looked in the closet where they had the clothes that the patients clothes were in. I took my clothes out and looked in my pocket. Suprisingly, my drugs were still in my pocket.

I got dressed into my clothes and went back into the room. Mother looked at me and asked, "Where do you think you're going? You have to stay here until the doctor gets here." I shook my head, "No. I'm going home and I'm going to bed." I headed for the door but Matt stopped me. He grabbed my arms and said, "What's wrong? I can see it in your eyes that something's wrong." I tried to hold it in but I couldn't. I cried and tried to get out of the room but Matt wouldn't let me go, "Matt. Let me go. I need to go home." Matt shook his head, "No Emily. You can't. The doctor wants to talk to you first. And we need to talk. Now what's going on?" I answered, "Dad's back. Dad's back. Dad's back . . ." I repeated it until it faded out and I just cried. I hugged Matt and just stood there crying in his arms. Matt asked, "Are you sure it was him? He's been gone for eight years. Why would he come back now?" I nodded, "I don't know but it was him. He told me himself." Matt just held me in his arms. I could hear mother crying behind me and I'm not sure but Matt could've been crying. He was quiet after that. Matt's always quiet when he cries. He never cries out loud.

When we got home I went straight to my room and shut the door. I layed on the bed and cried my eyes out. There was a knock on the door, "Emily. Can I come in?" It was Matt. I didn't answer. I couldn't answer. Not wihtout letting him know that I was crying. Matt came in and I turned around to face the wall. He sat on the bed next to me and put his hand on my shoulder, "Are you okay?" I swallowed my tears and nodded, "I'm fine." Matt sighed, "You were Daddy's little girl. It hurt you the most when he left. You were closer to dad then Martin and me. Maybe even closer to him than mother was. Or at least close to it. It's okay to be upset about him coming back all of a sudden." I turned around and sat up. Matt wipped the tears away from my face. I hugged him, "Why did he come back? He's been gone for so long. Why now?" Matt ran his one hand through my hair and rubbed my back with the other, "I don't know. You'll have to ask him that the next time you see him." I pulled back and shook my head, "No. I don't want to see him." Matt nodded, "Alright. You don't have to if you don't want to." I asked, "How's mom doing?" MAtt answered, "She's doing okay. She's more worried about you. You need to stop doing this to yourself. You're too young to be drinking and then you abused it and got drunk. And on top of that you got high. Do you have any on you right now?" I lied and shook my head, "No. Of course not." Matt asked, "Are you lying to me?" I looked away and shook my head, "No." By the look that he gave me I don't think that he believed me but I wasn't giving him this batch. Matt sighed and held out his hand, "You're lying to me. I can tell. Give me them." I looked at him, "Okay. I won't lie to you anymore. I did it again. I prostituted for drugs. And I have some right now. But I'm not giving them to you. I want them. I need them." Matt frowned, "Emily. Give them to me. Stop destroying yourself. I bet if dad told you to that you'd listen. If he were here." I shook my head and got up. I walked over to the other side of the room and folded my arms, "No. I wouldn't. If I ever see that dirty bastard again he's going to get hurt. So he better not come any where near me if he knows what's good for him." Matt came over to me and grabbed both of my hands, "Emily. Please. I know that you are in pain. But getting high on Cocaine and Morphine isn't going to take the pain away. It's just going to make it worse. Please give them to me." I took my hands back and walked over to my bed. I layed down and covered up with the blanket, "Please go. I want to take a nap." Matt sighed and kissed me on my forehead, "We'll talk later. And you will give me them." I ignored him and he left.


Chapter 6

It was around 5:30 when somebody woke me up. When I opened my eyes I couldn't believe what I saw. It was my father. He smiled, "Hey honey." I jumped up and ran over to the other side of the room, "What the hell are you doing in my room?!" Matt was sitting on the chair on the other side and he answered, "He came for a visit. I thought that it would be good if he came and talked to you. You need help." I looked at Matt and then back at my father, "Get the hell away from me!" My father asked me, "What is it exactly did you get yourself into?" I folded my arms, "Why the hell do you care?!" He answered, "Because I love you. What did you get yourself into that you need help?" I yelled, "I don't need no help! I don't need Matt's help! I don't need mother's help! And I definitely don't need your fucking help!" Matt stood up and walked over beside father. They were both in front of me and they were both looking at me. Matt said, "She's addicted to drugs. And she won't let us help her." My dad looked at me with a puzzled look on his face, "My dear child, please tell me it's not true." I put my arms down and lifted my sleeves. I showed him my inner arms, "Yes! I am! And I don't know why you're acting like you care now!" My father's face was drained of all color. He said, "I know that I hurt you. I didn't mean to though. You can't keep putting these drugs into your system." Matt said, "She has some right now but she won't give them to me." My father held out his hand, "Emily. Please give them to me. You don't need them." I shook my head, "No! Go away! I don't want to see you!" Dad sighed and asked, "Where's Martin? Maybe he can help." I went over to my father and slapped him in his face, "If you were here you'd know. I killed him and now he's dead!" I ran around him and ran out of the room. I cried and ran out of the house. I made my decision right then. I'm going to run away. And I'm not coming back.

I ran to Chris' house and knocked on the door. When the door opened it was Sarah. She had a drink in her hand and she seemed to be high and there was a party going on. She asked, "Emily. How you doin' girl?" I asked, "Is Chris here?" She nodded, "He's somewhere here. Come on in." I walked in and shut the door. There was loud music on and people yelling. I could barely hear myself think. I worked my way through the crowd and I finally found Chris sitting on the couch with two girls laughing. He saw me and stood up, "If you need any more you're going to have to come back later. I'm all out." I shook my head, "No. I still have some. I just need to talk to you." He nodded, "Alright. But not here. It's too loud. Let's go upstairs." I followed him upstairs to his room. He was around 34 and his house was big. When we got to his room we sat on the bed and he asked, "So what do you need to talk about?" I asked, "I can't go home. I was wondering if I could stay here. I could get a job and help pay the bills." He shook his head, "Don't worry about the bills. I got that. You can stay. But you'll have to help out with the groceries and cleaning." I nodded, "Thank you so much." He leaned over and kissed me, "There's a room across the hall. It's the last room. You can have that room. I'm going to go back down to the party. Do you want to come?" I shook my head, "No. I just want to get some slepp." He nodded and left. I walked to my room and shut the door. The bed had red satin sheets on it and red blankets. There were red curtains tied to the wooden poles that led to the roof of the bed, There was a big window over by the wall. There was a place where you could sit and just stare out of the window. Across the room was a dresser and a desk with a mirror. The chair in front of the desk had a red cushion on the seat. It was like the theme of the room was red. I shrugged and layed down on the bed. It was a nice room. And I'm glad that I didn't have to go home. Tomarrow I would go look for a job. But right now I just wanted to get some rest. I closed my eyes and fell asleep minutes later.

I woke up at 9:30. I opened the door and went downstairs. When I did there was no one downstairs. No one but Chris. He was asleep on the couch. The place was a mess. There were spills on the end table. Plates that had food stains on them and empty cups on the floor. I figured that since he was sleeping and that I now live here that i would clean it up for him. I got a trash bag and started picking up the empty cups and the plates.

I got done about an hour later. The house looked as it was before the party and Chris was still asleep. It was about 10:30. Since it was getting late I went over to Chris and nudged his leg, "Hey. come on. It's getting late. You should get to bed." He looked up at me, "Are you going to come to bed with me? The night's still young. We could have some fun." I rolled my eyes, "Maybe tomarrow. I'm not in the mood right now. Now are you going to sleep down here or are you going to go up to your room?" He smiled and stood up, "I'll go upstairs. Goodnight." At that moment my cell phone rang. Chris asked, "Is that your phone or mine?" I answered, "It's mine. Go upstairs. I'll take care of it." He nodded and went upstairs. I took my phone out of my pocket and looked at the caller. It was home. My mother and Matt must be worried sick about me. I didn't answer it. I just let it go to the answer machine. After it stopped ringing I checked the message to see what they said. My mother said, "Emily. Please come home. We miss you and we don't want you to get hurt. Please. Call us so we can talk and make sure that you're alright. I love you." I could hear that she was crying. I put my iphone back in my pocket and went upstairs to my room. I sat on my bed and cried. Chris came in a few minutes later. He saw the tears in my eyes and came over to me, "It's going to be okay. Whatever's wrong it's going to be okay." He sat behind me and messaged my shoulders. I tensed up, "What are you doing? I'm not in the mood." Chris replied, "I'm trying to get you relaxed." I got up and pulled out my drugs and loaded my needle with the Morphine. Chris asked, "You have to do that right now?" I nodded, "I need it. It helps me forget about all of my damn problems." Chris got up and left. I injected the needle into my arm and pumped it into my veins. I took the needle out and put it on the end table. The rush of the drugs ran through my veins. Moments later Chris came back in. He handed me a couple pills, "Here. Take some of this. It'll help you relax." I took the pills, "Thank you." I put them in my mouth and swallowed them wihout a care of what they were exactly. About three minutes later it was starting to get really hot in the room. I took my shoes and socks off and just threw them to the floor. After that I blacked out and fell to the bed.

It was 6:30 in the morning when I woke up. I had a major headache. I looked to my right to find Chris sleeping naked in my bed. I was also naked as well. I couldn't believe it. He drugged me and had sex with me. I guess it was my fault since I took the pills without asking what they were. I got up out of bed and got dressed. I went downstairs and sat on the couch. I brushed my hair out of my face and pulled out my phone. I had ten missed calls. Seven of them were from home. And three from Matt's cell. The last call was ten minutes ago from home. I hit the call back button and put the phone up to my ear. It rang three times and then my mother picked up, "Hello? Emily?" I answered, "Hi mom." My mom sighed, "Thank goodness. Are you okay?" I answered, "I'm fine. I'm staying at my friends house." My mom said, "It's so good to hear that you're okay. Hold on . . . Matt wants to talk to you." I waited and then Matt said, "Hello." I replied, "Hi Matt." Matt asked, "Are you okay?" I answered, "Yes. I'm fine. I'm staying with a friend." Matt said, "Where are you? I'll come pick you up." I cried silently, "Matt. I'm not coming home. I'm staying right where I am." Matt raised his voice a little bit, "Emily! No! Where are you?! We need you home!" I shook my head, "No Matt. Tell mom I love her. Tell her I'll be alright. I'll try not to kill myself. I love you." Matt cried, "Emily! Don't you dare try to do that again! Where are you? You need to come home!" I took a breath, "I'm sorry. Goodbye." I hung up the phone and turned it off so that the phone wouldn't ring. I sat on the couch and cried my eyes out.

Chris came downstairs at about 10:30. I frowned at him, "I see that you did what you thought you had to do to get some." Chris sat next to me and asked, "What do you mean? I only helped you relax." I responded, "You drugged me and then had sex with me. I was going to do it willingly." Chris said, "Well, you wanted to get some rest and relax. I wanted to get some sex so I made it to where we both got what we wanted." I sucked my teeth at him, "Whatever. Just don't do it again, okay? It's bad enough that I'm doing it willingly when i have a boyfriend." chris kissed my cheek, "Alright. And don't worry. Your boyfriend will never know unless you tell him." I pulled my phone out and turned it on. I had three missed calls. Two were from home. The other was from Simon. I turned to Chris, "I'll be back. I'm going to go for a walk." He nodded and I left.

When I got outside I walked slowly down the corner. I hit the call back button on Simon's number and brought the phone up to my ear. It rang about five times and then he picked up, "Emily." I smiled at the sound of his voice, "Hi Simon. How are you?" He answered, "I'm worried sick about you. I love you." I replied, "Well, I'm fine. I'm staying with my dealer. He's got an extra room and he said that I can saty here." Simon asked, "Where are you? You need to go home. And if you don't want to go home then you can come to my place. You need to be somewhere safe. Away from the drugs." I sighed, "No thank you. I'm staying here. If I go to your place then Matt and my mother would just go there looking for me and they'd make me go home. Even if I'm 18. And Simon. I don't think that I'll ever see you again." A tear ran down my face. I really didn't want to break up with him but if we saw each other than it would lead to me going back home. And I'm definitely not doing that. Simon's voice was shaky when he asked, "What are you talking about? Of course we'll see each other again." I took a breath, "I'm breaking up with you Simon. I'm sorry." I could hear Simon crying on the other line, "Emily. Please don't say that. I love you. You can't break up with me." I softly said, "I'm really sorry. Goodbye Simon." I hung up the phone and put it in my back pocket. I turned around and walked back to the house.

Chapter 7

The next day Chris hooked me up with a job. It wasn't the kind of job that I thought that it would be. I am now a drug dealer. He has me selling Cocaine and Morphine to the druggies on the street. I don't like it but I guess it's the best way to be sure that Matt, my mother, Simon, and my father won't find me.

I went home at 5:30 and Chris was cooking. Suprisingly. I went over to him, "I didn't know you cook. What you cooking?" He smiled, "Spaggetti and meatballs." I sighed, "I remember that they used to be my favoriite. But then no one could make them as good as my father did once he left." Chris turned to me and brought me into his arms, "We'll see if that changes tonight at dinner." I laughed, "I'll be upstairs in my room. Call me when it's done." He nodded and I went upstairs into my room. I sat on the edge of my bed and took out my phone. It had five missed calls on it. All of them were from home. I don't know why they keep on calling. I did tell them that I wasn't coming home and that's all that they would want to talk about. I knew I shouldn't have but I hit the call back button and put the phone to my ear. It rang once and then Matt picked up, "Emily?" I answered, "Matt why do you keep on calling?" He answered, "Because we care about you. We want you to come home. Look, if I drove you away by letting dad in your room then I'm sorry. Just please. Come home." I sighed, "Matt. You didn't drive me away. He did. I was thinking about it before he was in my room. I was going to do it when I woke up but he was there." Matt asked, "Emily. We can help you if you come home. How can we help you if we don't know where you are? We can't. And you have us worried that you're going to get hurt. Or worse. I know your 18 but your 18 doing stuff you know you're not suppost to. Mom's in her room right now crying because she's afraid for you." I said, "Well, tell her to stop worrying about me. I'm fine. I'm safe." Matt said, "No you're not. You're living with the people that are selling you the drugs. How are you going to stop now?" I answered, "I don't want to stop. I want them. It makes me feel better. I know that it can get dangerous but I don't care." Matt asked, "So is this your new way of commiting suidcide? Only it kills you slower." I said, "Matt. I'm not coming home. Stop trying to get me to come home. If this is all we're going to talk about every time I call you then I'm just going to stop calling. There's no point to it if we're just going to keep arguing about it." Matt was about to say something but I hung up. I couldn't talk about it no more. Chris called up that it was time for dinner so I went downstairs and ate with him. And as I knew it would be, his was no where as good as my father's spaggetti.

The next day when I got up Chris was laying on me.I pushed him off and got up. "Hey. I was comfortable." Chris said. I turned around, "Well I woke up and couldn't just lay there." Chris got up and pulled me onto his lap, "Maybe we can switch positions when we pass out this time." I laughed, "You want to do it again?" He nodded and kissed me, "Why not? It's only 6:30." I sighed, "You're getting greedy." He layed down and pulled me on top of him, "What can I say? You're beautiful and good." I laughed, "You're hopeless." He smiled and kissed me.

This time when I woke up I was laying on him. It was now 9:30. I got up and got dressed. When I was done getting dressed I went over to Chris and nudged his leg, "Hey. Wake up. You told me you were having a party at four. You better get up and get ready." Chris groaned and got up, "You know we need to talk." I asked, "Yeah about what?" He answered, "About you and me. I want us to be together. I mean for real not just a booty call. Or a buisness thing. For real. You could get all the drugs that you want. And whatever else you wanted. Anything. It's yours. All you have to do is ask." I laughed, "That's funny." He buttoned his pants and grabbed my hands, "I'm serious. I want us to be together. Just me and you." I said, "Really? What about the other girls? Your other booty calls? And what about the other girls that want drugs but have no money?" He replied, "I'll give up the other girls. The only other girls that I'm going to sleep with are the ones that are strictly buisness. That's it. Nothing else." I shook my head, "No thank you. You're cute and everything. But I'm not sharing my boyfriend." I turned around to get my shoes and then he hit me. I was shocked. What in the world was he doing? I turned around and frowned, "What the hell was that for?!" He yelled, "I gave you a place! I shared you with that boy Simon! And now you're going to stab me in the back the moment I ask for one thing! You bitch!" He punched me in my face and pushed me to the ground. He started kicking me in my stomach, "Now you have a reason to reject me
BITCH!" I layed on the floor crying holding my stomach and Chris left. I sat up and got my shoes on. I was leaving. He wasn't going to hit me again. One time was too many. But I wasn't going home. That I also knew for sure. So for now Iwould be homeless.

After I had my shoes on I got up and ran downstairs. I ran right out ignoring the fact that Chris was yelling, "Yeah! Go ahead and get out! You whore!" I ran down the street and just left that place. I'm never going back there. At that moment my phone rang. I took it out and answered it not knowing who it was, "Hello?" I was still crying and whoever was on the other line would be able to tell that I was. Then I heard my mom say, "Emily? Are you alright? What's wrong? Why are you crying?" I said, "Nothing. I'm fine. Is Matt there?" I don't know what came over me but I changed my mind. I wanted to go home. Then I heard Matt say, "Emily. I'm here. What's wrong? Mother said you were crying." I said, "I want to come home. Can you come pick me up?" Matt sounded relieved when he said, "Of course I will. Where are you?" I looked up at the street signs and said, "At the corner of Coner and Tray street." Matt said, "Alright. I'm on my way. Just stay there. Everything's going to be okay." He said that and then he hung up.

I sat on the steps and leaned my head against the wall. I closed my eyes and I wished that all that was happening was just a bad dream. And that I would wake up on my tenth birthday and father was there. I wished that he had never left because now I realize that it was because of the pain that he had caused that got me hooked on drugs. Which I will never forgive him for.

About fifthteen minutes later I heard my brother say, "Oh my god Emily. What happend to your face?" I opened my eyes and saw him. I smiled and hugged him, "Matt. I'm so sorry. I'm so so sorry. I want to go home." Matt rubbed my back and said, "It's okay. You can come home. Come on. Just get in the car." I nodded and got in the back seat. I didn't see who was in the back seat. When I saw that it was dad I didn't even care. I didn't say nothing. I just layed my head on his shoulder and closed my eyes. I fell asleep and dreamed that everything was back to normal. Dad had never left. I wasn't on drugs. Martin was still alive. Mother and Matt weren't so mad and disappointed in me. Just our old lives were back and we started over. But of course nothing would ever be the same. Not with Martin gone. I'll never be able to get him back.


Chapter 8

When I woke up my mother was sitting in the chair next to my bed. She smiled when she saw me awake, "I'm so glad that you're awake. Hold on for a minute." She got up and left the room. When she came back in Matt followed her. They both were smiling. I sat up and scruntched my face up because my stomach hurt. Both of their smiles disappeared. Matt asked, "What's wrong? Are you hurt other than your face?" I leaned back against the wall and sighed. I looked down at my stomach and lifted my shirt a little bit. Just up to beneath my breasts. When I looked at my stomach I saw big purple bruises covering just about every inch of my stomach, "Shit. I didn't think it was that bad." I looked up at my mom. All the color was drained from her face. I looked over at Matt. His face was turning a light red and I could tell that he was going to try to go after Chris. He asked, "Who did this to you?" I answered, "The guy that I was staying with. He was my dealer. And I was his booty call and occasionally it was buisness." They both looked at me with disgusted faces. Matt knew what I meant by booty call. Mother, on the other hand, didn't. She asked, "What do you mean booty call?" I answered, "It means that I was just his peice of ass. When he wanted sex and didn't have anyone to get it from. That's where I came in. Well, anyways, he wanted to make it more than that. He wanted a relationship between us but I didn't want to. So he hit me in my face and pushed me to the ground. That's when he kicked me in my stomach several times." My mother was speechless. The feeling of someone hurting her child was the feeling that I could see in her eyes. I heard that it was the worst pain to endure. But obviously it's not true. Because if it were, then my father wouldn't have hurt me when he left. Matt asked, "What's his name and where does he live? No one hits on my little sister." I shook my head, "I'm not telling you." Matt took a breath and let it out slowly, "Emily. He hurt you. Badly. You're hurt. Why are you protecting him?" I rolled my eyes, "I'm not protecting him. I'm protecting you. I don't want you to get hurt because of my mistake. I already lost one brother to my dumb ass mistakes. I'm not losing another one. Don't ask me to do that. Dealer's always have buddies that will help them out. Or they will use a weapon of some sorts. I am not letting you go down there to get killed." I put my shirt down and folded my arms. I looked down at the floor and frowned. Matt came over and sat next to me. He grabbed my hand unfolding my arms, "Hey. Look at me." I looked up at him. He said, "It wasn't your fault. Martin's death wasn't your fault. It wasn't. I wouldn't say it if it weren't true. And I'm not going to get hurt. Nothing's going to happen to me. Please. Emily. I'm not going to let them get away with that. Don't ask me to." I hugged him and said, "You can't be sure that you won't get hurt. If you get hurt then that's another life on my hands. I already lost one brother. I don't want to lose another." Matt rubbed my back and said, "Martin wouldn't want them to get away with it. You know that. Please. Tell me. Who did this? Where does he live?" I held on to him and cried silently. I sighed, "His name is Chris. He lives on Solemn street. The last house on the left. The door's red and the window's have red curtains on them." Matt kissed my forehead, "I'm going to go now. Just lay here and get some rest. Alright?" I backed up and wipped my cheeks, "Alright." Matt got up and headed for the door. Before he left I said, "Matt. Wait." He turned around, "Yes?" I got up and walked over to him. I pulled the drugs that I had left out of my pocket along with my needle and held it out, "Can you get rid of this please?" He smiled and took it. He kissed my cheek and hugged me, "Thank you. Once I get back we'll talk about getting you some help." I nodded, "Be careful. Don't get yourself hurt. Please?" He smiled, "I won't. I love you." i nodded and sat on my bed. That's when he left.

Ever since my dad had left I haven't been able to say 'I love you' to anybody. Not even to my mother or Matt. I guess it's because I loved my dad so much and I was really hurt once he left; I just don't want to get hurt again so I don't let anybody know that I love them. It just makes everything easier. But then it doesn't. I'm running out of ideas to get the pain to go away. I don't think that there's anything that will take the pain away, except death. But I promised Matt and my mother that I wouldn't try to kill myself again. I thought about all of these things while I waited for Matt. That and the big question. Is Matt going to be okay? As I thought about those things I layed down on my bed and fell asleep.

When I woke up it was about 1:30. I sat up and looked around. Mom's chair was empty and there was no one else in the room. I left the room and went into the kitchen. There was no one there. I went into the living room and my father was sitting on the couch.

When he looked up at me I looked away. He asked, "How are you feeling?" I answered, "Fine. Where's mother?" He sighed and rubbed his hands on his knees, "She had to go to the hospital. We got a call that Matt had got hurt and that they're working on him as we speak." I looked over at him. My eyes widened and my heart sped up. A tear ran down my cheek and fell to the floor. I just sat there. Looking out into space. My father came over to me and kneeled in front of me, "Don't worry honey. It's going to be okay." I looked at him, "It's going to be okay? How do you know that? He said he wouldn't get hurt and that didn't happen and now he's in the hospital. You can't say that." My father stood me up and went to hug me but I pushed him away, "Don't touch me! Just get away from me!" I ran into my room and just slammed the door. I picked up my family picture off of the floor and looked at how my family used to be. Everything was perfect. There was no deaths. No one getting hurt. Nothing. We were a happy family. Or at least I thought that we were. I didn't see any signs of our relationship breaking. But I guess dad did. I threw the picture at the window. It hit the frame of the window and I could hear the glass in front of the picture break. I went over to the window and picked up the picture. You know how when you break a peice of glass it's like a circle with lines coming out? Well that's what the glass looked like. And the circle part was on Martins face. And a line went through Matt's face. But none went through Mom's, or mine, or dad's face. It went through our bodies. But not our face. I dropped the picture and ran to my closet. I picked up my old bat and went over to the window. I gripped the bat and hit the window with it. The window shattered and I dropped the bat. That's when my father came running into the room. He said, "Are you okay? What did you do?" I looked at him and just stared at him. He came closer to me and I ran around him.

I ran to the bathroom and shut the door. I opened the cabinet above the sink and pulled out my razor. I sat on the floor against the side of the tub and held my arm out. I knew it would hurt. And I knew that I would scream and my father would come running in but I just had to hope that I would bleed out before he got me to the hospital. I put the razor to my wrists and pushed in. I pushed in hard and pulled back. I screamed and dropped the razor to the floor. My wrists was bleeding a lot. And my wrists were bleeding fast. My father opened the door and saw me. He yelled, "Emily! No! Emily!" He bent down and picked me up. I tried to fight him at first but then I just stopped. He took me out to the car and as he was laying me down on the seat and wrapping some peice of cloth around my wrists I whispered, "Just let me stay here." He got in the car and sped down the street. He yelled, "Just hang on baby." On the way my head was spinning and I closed my eyes. I was unconscious. The last thing that I heard was my father yelling, "Don't close your eyes baby! We're here! Just have to get you inside!" But I didn't think about anything after that. I couldn't.


Chapter 9

I don't know what happend. But my head was hurting. I opened my eyes slowly and I saw my dad sitting in the chair with his head leaning against the wall and his eyes were closed. He was asleep. I looked at my left wrist and I saw stitches. Not to mention that my wrists were tied to the hospital bed along with my ankles. They were tied with the orange things that I always saw in the movies on ER.

I started to move my hands up but I couldn't move them. I just made the metal sides of the bed rattle waking my dad up. He sat up and looked at me. He had tears in his eyes and he reached over and grabbed my hand, "You had me so worried baby. I was worried that you weren't going to make it. How are you feeling?" I rolled my eyes and turned my head away from him. I ignored the question, "Where's mother? How's Matt?" My dad stood up and went around the curtain that was up beside me. He was talking low to someone. No matter how much I strained to hear him I couldn't.

And then he opened the curtain and I saw mother sitting by Matt's side. His lip was cut and his eyes were shut. I said, "Is he going to be okay?" I cried silently to myself. My mother nodded, "He's going to be fine. He's just sleeping. He was stabbed in his side but the doctors were able to stitch him up and take care of him." My mom was crying when she came over to me, "Why? Why did you do this? Again?" My dad looked at me, "Again? What you tried to kill yourself before?" I looked at him, "Why the hell do you think they have me in these Carl? I hung myself before and Matt saved me. I promised not to do it again. But I did it again, and again my dumb ass was saved. Why the hell does fate want me to live? I didn't do anything good to deserve it. I killed Martin and I hurt Matt. I almost killed Matt. But thank god he's going to be okay." My mom said, "I'm going to tell you this once. It's not your fault that he's dead. And it's not your fault that Matt got hurt. They were just trying to protect you. Something I'm very proud of them for." I looked at her, "But if I weren't on these damn drugs then they wouldn't have had to try to protect me. Martin would still be alive and Matt wouldn't have been hurt." My dad said, "Emily. If it's anybody's fault it's mine. I hurt you and you couldn't deal with the pain. So you turned to drugs to take away the pain. I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt any of you." I looked at him, "Yes I did. But I'm not talking about this while I'm tied to the bed. So we can talk later if I decide that I ever want to talk to you again."

At that moment I heard Matt say, "What's going on? Why is Emily tied to the bed? Why is she in a hospital? Did Chris come back after her?" My mom shook her head, "No. He didn't. When Emily found out that you were in the hospital she busted the window with her bat and then ran into the bathroom. She slit her wrists with her razor. Luckily Carl was able to get her here in time. But since this is the second time she tried to kill herself they had to tie her down so she didn't take the stitches out."

Matt sat up and turned towards me, "Emily. I thought that we talked about this. Why did you do this? You need to stop hurting yourself." I turned my head and said, "No. I don't. I need to stop hurting my family." Matt got up and slowly walked over to me. I heard my mom say, "Matt. You shouldn't be out of bed." Matt said, "I'm fine as long as I take it slow. But I need to talk to her. I can't talk to her if she isn't looking at me." Thats when I saw Matt on the other side of the bed. He was holding his side. I sucked my teeth, "Matt go back and lay down. You're obviuosly in pain." Matt shook his head and brought the chair over to the bedside, "No. I need to talk to you. And it's not that bad." He sat down and leaned on side of the bed. I looked at him and he grabbed my hand, "Emily. You didn't cause any of this. It's absolutely not your fault. At all. And you said that you need to stop hurting your family. Well then stop. You're hurting us when you hurt yourself. When you do drugs you hurt yourself. When you try to kill yourself you hurt yourself. If something were to happen to you then me and mother would be hurting inside. We love you. And we care about you. Please tell me that you won't hurt yourself again. And mean it this time." A tear ran down my face and I closed my eyes, "Alright. But I'm not saying that I'll stop thinking that you getting hurt and Martin's death was my fault. Because it is."

Matt sighed and said, "I love you." I frowned and asked, "Why do you keep saying that? You know that I never say it back." Matt replied, "Because I'm hoping that one day you'll say it back to me."

My father asked, "Why don't you say it back? Don't you love them?" I looked at him and frowned. Then I looked up at the ceiling trying to ignore the pain. Matt looked up at dad and said, "I'm not sure but I have a feeling. She was the closest one to you. You were her world. Her romodel. The person that she looked up to. She loved you. When you left it broke her heart and she hasn't said it back to anyone since then. Not even to her mother. She's afraid of showing her feelings to someone again and then getting hurt again."

Matt went to say something but I interrupted him, "That's one of the reasons. But I don't think that mother or Matt would do that. But then again I didn't think that you would do it either. But another reason is because I don't want to tell someone that I love them and then leave them thinking that I lied. I didn't want to be like you so I didn't say it." My dad asked, "Do you think that I don't love you?" I looked at him, "Why would I think that you did? You left without a word until mother reported you missing. Even then you wrote and you didn't even mention anything about me. And you left on my birthday of all days. You never made any contact with us since then. So that tells me that you didn't love me. Or any of us. And you know the saying that says that your child's pain is the worst pain that a parent can endure? Well, I truely don't think that's true. At least not with you. I can see it in mother's eyes when I'm hurting myself or I get hurt. But never have you thought about how much you hurt me. When you left you want to know that I thought? I thought that there was something wrong with me. I thought that I did something that drove you away. That made you hate me like you do. And now, I still think about it. And I still think that it's true at times. Not like I used to but sometimes. Because I knew that mother didn't do anything wrong. She was good to you. Matt and Martin didn't do nothing wrong so I guessed that I did. Although now that I see you I see that you're just a cold-hearted bastard that cares nothing for anyone else's missery." My dad had tears in his eyes and he said, "You didn't drive me away. You were all great. I had made a mistake that is unexcusable. I shouldn't have left. I shouldn't have been away so long. It was my bad mistakes. I didn't make any contact with you when I should have. And every second that I was away for the eight years it hurt. It hurt a lot. And I missed all of you so much." I humphed, "I find that very hard to believe. Mom can you please untie me. I'm not going to do any harm. I just need to sit up." My mom came over and untied my ankles. Then she untied my wrists. I sat up and brought my knees up to my chest. I just looked at the bed. I couldn't look at my father. My dad came over and went to hug me but I moved away, "Don't touch me." He stopped and nodded, "Okay." He went to leave the room but I said, "One more thing." He turned around. I looked at him and asked, "Why did you come back after all these years?" He answered, "Because I love you. And I needed to see all of you. Including your mother. Although I know that things can never be the same between us. I still love her." I rolled my eyes and looked away. He turned and left the room.

Matt asked, "Emily. Are you okay?" I didn't answer. I just sat there with my face burried in my arms on my knees. Matt asked, "Emily . . . " I said, "I'm fine." My mom came over to me and put her arms around me. I said, "Matt go back to your bed and lay down. Mom can you please go over with Matt or something? I want to be alone." My mom said, "Sure. You just call if you need me." I didn't answer. My mom helped Matt back over to his bed and sat with him. I layed down and cried silently. I didn't want them to hear me crying so I got up and went into the bathroom. As I went in there I could feel both of their gazes on me but I didn't look back. They would've saw my tears and I didn't want that. I just sat on the bathroom floor and just cried until I could cry no more. And I fell asleep on the floor.


Chapter 10

When I woke up I was in the hospital bed covered with the blanket. I looked around and I saw mother sitting with Matt. I got up and walked over to them. They looked at me and smiled. I asked, "How'd I get in bed?" My mom answered, "You fell asleep on the bathroom floor so your dad carried you over to the bed." I frowned, "Who Carl? He's not my father. Not anymore." Matt asked, "Are you alright?" I looked at him and sighed, "No. I'm not." My mom came over to me and rubbed my back, "Talk to us baby." I looked over at the window and then back at Matt, "I don't want him back in my life. My father left me when I was little. This is a new person that I don't know. I used to know him but he's changed. It's . . ." I stopped and swallowed my tears before they came out, "It hurts too much to let him back in my life." Matt said, "I know how you feel. And do you know how long I've been waiting to hear you say that? I've been waiting eight years to hear you say that. You would never admit that it was bothering you. Until now."

I went over to him and hugged him, "How were you able to handle it?" He answered, "I don't know. I just thought about you, mom, and Martin. I didn't want to break down when everyone else was. So I never did. And then after a while I just wasn't worried about it. I was worried about you." I started to say, "I . . . I" I stopped and sighed. Matt looked at me and asked, "What is it?" I looked up at him, "I haven't said this in years when I should have. I love you." A tear ran down his face and he hugged me, "I love you too. I'm so glad to hear you say that." I was crying, "I'm sorry that I haven't told you it before." Matt said, "It's okay. I understand why you didn't" I shook my head, "It's not okay. I didn't say it to any of you. And now i'll never be able to tell Martin." My mom came over to me and hugged me, "It's okay baby. He knows that you loved him." I hugged my mom and said, "Mom I love you." She smiled and said, "I love you too."

At that moment my father came in and asked, "Can I talk to you Emily?" I turned to him and then looked at mom. She said, "It's your choice. If you want to talk to him go ahead." I sighed and looked at him. I nodded, "Sure." I went over to him and he led me out of the room. We were standing right outside my room because of my I.V. I had to roll that pole around with me. I looked up at him and waited for him to say something.

My father sighed and said, "I know I hurt you. I'm sorry. I really am. I don't want to hurt you anymore. I want to be the father that I should have been. I have no excuse for what I did so I'm not going to try to give you a bunch of reasons that aren't going to make a difference. I missed half of your life because of what I did. But I want to make it up to you." I said, "How can you make it up to me? You can't give me back eight years of my life and then just be there. If that was possible I'd have Martin back." He said, "I know that. But I want to be in your life now." I said, "You want to be in my life now? Why not then? Why didn't you want to be there then? I . . ." I couldn't hold it in any more. I started to cry. My father brought me closer to him and held me, "I know. I am so sorry. I really am. I will never forgive myself for hurting you like I did." I cried, "I hate you. I hate you because I love you and you hurt me." My father rubbed my back, "I know. And it's okay. Please give me another chance? I will do anything to be back in your life." I didn't know what to do. I didn't want him back in my life because I didn't want to face the pain. And I was afraid of him getting close and then taking off again. And hurting me again. But then I wanted him back. I wanted my father.

I said, "I want my father. But how do I know that you won't leave me again?" He pulled back and gently put his hands on my face, "I'm not going anywhere baby. I love you." I said, "I love you too." He put his arm around me and we walked back into the room, "Come on. Let's go back inside."

When we walked back inside Mother and Matt looked at us. I went over to them and said, "I . . . I've decided to give him another chance." I wipped my tears away from my face and went over to my bed. I layed down and just layed there.


Chapter 11

We all went home the next day. Matt layed in bed and Mom sat with him. I would sit with him later. Father was in there with him too.

I sat on the couch and thought about things. I thought about father being back in our lives. There was a knock on the door so I got up to answer it.

When I opened the door I couldn't believe my eyes. It was Chris. I stepped outside leaving the inside door open so anyone would hear me if anything happend.

He said, "Hi." I asked, "What the fuck do you want?" He folded his arms, "Is that any way to talk to after everything that I did for you?" I humphed, "Did for me? Really Chris? You didn't do anything good for me. You beat me up when I refused to go out with you. And then when my brother went to do something about it you stabbed him." Chris asked, "Is he going to be alright?" I answered, "Yeah no thanks to you. Chris asked, "Then what's the problem? He's going to be okay. No harm done."

I rolled my eyes, "What do you want?" He walked a little closer to me and said, "I want you back. Please move back in. I won't hit you anymore." I laughed, "That's funny. Because you know they all say that. And if the girl's stupid enough to go back with him then it just happens aain. Except worse." Chris put his arms down, "I'm not going to do it again." I shook my head, "No Chris. Go home."

Chris grabbed me by my shoulders and brought me away from the house. I fought with him, "Let go of me! Chris let go!" He slapped me across my face and said, "No! You're coming back with me!" I said still trying to get out of his arms. He hit me in my face about five times in a row with a closed hand. I screamed, "DAD! DAD!"

About two seconds later my dad and my mother were at the door. Mother gasped as my father came over to me. He hit Chris in the back of his head about three times before e finally let go of me. Chris went running down the street.

I hugged my father crying. He asked, "Are you alright? Was that the guy who beat you up in the first place and stabbed Matt?" I nodded and answered, "Yes." I kept my head down so he didn't see my face. I knew it would be bad. I could feel the blood running down my face.

My dad asked, "Are you okay?" I nodded and turned covering my face with my hand. My mom said, "Emily. You're not okay. Why are you covering your face?" I walked around her and went inside, "I'll be fine." They followed me inside. I went into the bathroom and shut the door.

I looked into the mirror and started to cry. How was I going to hide this from them? My left eye and all around it was bruised purple. And it had swelled a little bit. And the blood that was running down my face came from a cut on my eye brow.

I took a rag and wet it. I put it up to my eye and wipped the blood away. It hurt a little bit but I was only pressing a little bit. There was a kock on the door, "Emily. Are you okay?" It was mother. She would freak if she saw me. I lied and called out, "Yeah. I'm fine. I'm just going to the bathroom. I'll be out in a minute." She said, "Alright."

I sighed and finished wipping the blood away. After a few minutes I put my head down and covered it with my hand. I opened the door and walked out. Mom and dad were standing there waiting for me. I said, "I'm fine. There's no need to worry about me now." My dad put his hand on my chin and brought my face up to look at him. I still covered my face with my hand. He said, "Baby move your hand away." I sighed and moved my hand. Mother put her hand over her mouth, "Oh my god. Look at what he did to your face." My dad lightly ran his thumb over it, "You don't need to feel as if you need to hide it from us. Does it hurt much?" I shook my head, "No. Just don't put pressure on it." I hugged my dad, "Thanks dad. For getting him off of me." He said, "Nobody hurts my little girl." Mother put her hand on my head and ran her fingers through my hair, "You should probably go see Matt. He got worried about you when you screamed. He would be happy to know that you're going to be okay." I looked over at her, "Couldn't you just tell him for me? He's just going to get angry because Chris hurt me again and then do something stupid when he heals. He might even try to do something now." Dad said, "No he won't. We won't let him. So you can go in there." I nodded and sighed, "Okay."

When I went into his room I kept my head turned away so that all he saw was my right side of my face. I sat next to his bedside on the chair. Mom and dad sat on chairs on the other side of the room. Matt asked, "Are you alrgiht? What happend?" I answered, "Chris came over and I tried to get him to leave but he wouldn't. Dad got him to leave though." Matt asked me, "Did he hurt you? Why won't you look at me? What's wrong with your face?" I turned my head over to him and showed him my face, "I'll be fine. It's just a couple bruises and a small cut." Matt took a deep breath and let it out slowly, "I really wish I didn't have to relax right now. I'm going to kill him." I looked at dad, "I told you that he would try to do something stupid once he heals. This is why I didn't want to come in here." Matt said, "Don't worry. I'm not going to do anything stupid." I smiled, "I'm going to hold you to that." I went over and hugged him, "I love you." He smiled and ran his hand through my hair, "I love you too. Why don't you go get some rest?" I rolled my eyes, "Whatever." I left and went into my room.

I sat on my bed and held my stomach. I was starting to feel sick. And my head was hurting. But not because of what Chris had did. Because of the fact that I didn't have any of my drugs in couple days.

There was a knock on the door, "Emily. Can I come in?" It was dad. I groaned and called out, "Yes." He came in and sat next to me, "Are you okay?" I nodded, "I will be." He frowned, "What's wrong? You look all pale. And you're holding your stomach." I said, "I haven't had my drugs in a couple of days and it's getting to me. If I start beggin you for them don't let me have them. I heard that when people are getting off their addiction they say crazy things." He said, "Don't worry. I won't. And I'm sorry. It's all my fault that you're on drugs in the first place." I layed down and put my head on his lap, "My stomach hurts. I feel like I'm about to get sick." Dad put his hand on my shoulder, "Well, it's going to be okay. And if you have to get sick then just get sick. That'll probably be the best thing for you. Getting it out of your system."

There was another knock on the door. I called out, "Come in." When the door opened a tear ran down my face. It was Simon. I got up and went over to him, "What are you doing here?" He said, "You're mother called me and told me what happend. With your wrists and everything that happend with Chris." I said, "I'm sorry about what I said to you the last time I talked to you. I didn't mean it." My dad got up and came over to me. He kissed me on the cheek, "I'll leave you two alone." He left.

I continued, "I only said that so you didn't come looking for me. At the time I didn't want to be home around my dad so . . ." Simon hugged me, "When you said that you didn't want to see me again I cried for hours." I said, "I'm sorry. Do you forgive me?" Simon smiled, "Yes. Of course I do. I love you." I replied, "I love you too." Simon's smile faded for a moment in shock, "What did you say?" I repeated, "I love you." He smiled and kissed me, "I've never heard you say that." I stayed in his arms forgetting about my upset stomach, "I'm not afraid to say it anymore. I love you." Simon hugged me, "How are things going between you and your father?"

I went over and sat on my bed. Simon sat next to me and put his arm around me, "Talk to me." I looked up at him and said, "Why does everyone want me to talk to them?" Simon said, "Because we all love you." I half smiled and looked away, "Well, I'm giving him a chance. And he's been here for me since then, but that was just a day. I don't know what's going to happen." Simon rubbed his hand on my back, "It's a start. You can only take one step at a time. And you took the first step. And he's taking the second step. You two will take more steps in time." I leaned my head on his shoulders, "And you'll be happy to know that I'm trying to come clean. I haven't had any of my drugs for two days now. But I don't know how I'm going to go on for the rest of my life without them. It has only been two days and already I'm feeling sick." Simon kissed my head and replied, "You have me, your mother, your brother, and your father here to help you." I sighed, "I wish he would have came back years ago and all that has happend happen then. If it did then Martin would still be here."

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Tag der Veröffentlichung: 27.03.2010

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