Why do i live? (prologue)

I never believed that i served a purpose in life. In fact i wonder why im even still breathing.The life i lived was never meant for a 16 year old girl.I've seen and done things not even grown men would think of but yet here i am.I was laying in my bed while thinking this. I was too scared to go down stairs so i've been laying here for hours examining life. oh pardon my manors my name is Anastasia Howard.I live in a small broken up house with my dad.As for my mom she was murded 4 years ago. I dont go to school....He doesnt let me.But i do virtual school online so im not behind. Just then i heard a banging on my room door causing it to shake off it hinges "Open the damn door!!" my father slurred. I said a quick silent prayer before slowly walking to the door and opening it.I instantly felt his hand slap across my face but i didnt scream nor cry.I mean if he was gonna beat the shit out of me i atleast wanted to be a hardass about it. I watched as he crept closer but i didnt move one bit which pissed him off even more.He then began beating me, punching my face until my eyes were too swollen to see anything.But through it all i didnt shed a single tear.I then heard him unzip his pants and i took a deep breathe as i began to prepare my self for what happened a milliion times before.He then entered his cock in me causing me too scream in agony he only smirked and began thrusting faster and faster.The pain was treachorus i wanted to fade into the blackness and never wake up. With each passing day death seemed more and more pleseant.Right when he was about to climax the doors flew open, to reveal a bunch of police officers. Who called them? i thought to myself. I never did get my answer instead my father was pulled off of me and i was wrapped in blankets.I was so out of it that i didnt realize when he had stabbed me and now that i did,i felt a wave of pain hit me and then there was darkness.

A new life

3 months later
The woman was gorgeous that i couldn't deny. she smiled at me warmly before saying
Karen: Hi I'm your aunt
Me: yea so i heard * rolling my eyes*

An awkward silence followed after my slick comment.Dianne then broke the silence by telling me that i would live with Karen.

Dianne: are you okay with that?
Me: Not like i ever have a say where i go anyways *getting up and walking towards the door.
Karen: where are you going?
Me: packing duh!
and with that i left the room hoping to sleep and never wake up. I thought of dying everyday and everyday dying sounds better and better.I'm not crazy.yea a bit suicidal but never crazy. Death just seems more pleasant then the life i already live. I got to my little room and began to pack for my new life.The new life that i didn't want.... the life that i wanted oh so bad to give away to some other unfortunate being. but i couldnt... so i just packed.

sweet house!!

After i packed i said bye to Dianne and went home with karen.We just got off the plane but i still havent talked to her and frankly i dont want to.I miss Los Angeles i dont want to move to Georgia!!I am NOT a country girl!!I wish somebody would slit my throat already.Karen searched for some one as i sat in one of those uncomfortable chair thingys.Karen then sat next to me.

Karen: sooooo...how old are you?

Me: * mumbling* 16

Karen: wow!you could have fooled me

I got that alot.so i simply shrugged.my breast were big due to early puberty and wen i turned thirteen the rest of my body filled out.

Karen: my mother is running late
Me: i dont care * putting in head phones

Her mother came a few minutes later and as its as if beauty ran in the family hmm i guess it skipped a generation because I'm not the slightest bit attractive.

Lynn: Hi i'm Lynn * sticking out hand*
Me: I'm Anastasia... but call me Ana * staring at hand *

She put down her hand once she realize i wasn't going to shake it. we then all walked to her car and drove for about 40 minutes.When we finally came to a stop. i looked to see the most gorgeous house ever!!

My eyes literally popped out my head when i saw it.
Me: This is your house??!
Karen: yes mam.do you like it?
Me: its....gorgeous..'
she then smiled and helped me take my bag inside.Notice i said bag and not 'bags'. I don't have much to pack since my dad rarely bought me clothes. He wasn't always so mean and abusive.Once upon a time he was the best daddy ever...but mom when mom died he went ballistic drinking,smoking and gambling. At first he was sorry whenever he hurt me but as he grew older and more bitter, he began to blame me for things and beat me.
Karen: come on i'll show you your room
i followed her up two flights of stairs (this house had 4 floors!) and then we came to a stop.She oppened the door and revealed a gorgeous room decorated in pink.
Karen:so what do you think
Me: I hate pink....
Karen: oh..
An awkward silence followed afterwards.
Karen: well i'll let you get settled. *walking out my room*

New school...

Karen said the school i was going to be attending was Broad View High,it sounds like a preppy school and if you haven't noticed, i'm not preppy.MY outfit was pretty plain. I'm not one of those girls who obsess over clothes so i wore a fitted blue t-shirt and some black cargo shorts with my black and white converse.

I got dressed really fast because i wanted to avoid Karen. Luckily i did.I walked to school but i got lost a few times since didn't know where i was going but i eventually found it

. The school was straight i guess but I've seen waaaaayyyy better.I wondered in the school ignoring the stares and whispers.I finally found the front office and waited in a seat as the receptionist was busy dealing with some kid who looked like a juvenile delinquent.I know i'm a little mean and judgmental but this boy seriously looked like he should be in jail already. I mean if a cop saw him walking down the street he would probably stop him. 'Yall think i'm exaggerating but i am dead serious.He glanced my way then smiled. I didn't smile back though. He was a caramel type color and he was GORGEOUS.His diamond lip piercing look real and expensive.Matter of fact everthing on him lookeed expensive. Still looked like horrible company to keep though. He had hair that was curly and different shades of brown indicating that he was mixed. 
Mystery boy/possible thug: Hi I'm Jose but call me Jay



Me: Hi im Anastasia (I'm not gonna tell him my nick name because he looks like a raptist)
Jay : you new here?
Me: Yea i was just about to sign in
with that i walked away wanting to get away from him.He looked dangerous.When i was in foster care i hung out with those type of kids but now having friends doesn't interest me anymore. I mean whats the point of getting close to people when I'm gonna kill my self anyways. I've been thinking about it very often. Dying is easier. people don't hurt you. you feel no pain. Life is just....Easier when your dead. After getting my schedule i walked out of the office feeling really depressed. * sigh * i wish i'd get hit by a bus already. I felt eyes on me as i walked out. this must be a smaller town than i thought. Its like one of those towns on those TV shows where everybody knows everybody business. this is gonna be a looooonnnngggg day

*****

First block was decent i guess.i spent most of the time surveying the room rather than paying attention since i was already ahead thanks to the online courses i still take. My dad made me stop going to school when i was thirteen. It was because some boy liked me. i think his name was Julian? but anyways when dad found out i had friends or a friend as you might put it, he took me out immediately and signed me up for homeschooling saying that i would not spend another day there.Some kids would be glad to get out of school but i wasn't. school was like my 6 hour escape from my dad.It was what kept me sane.And now I'm this big ball of confusion and insanity.A coffee colored girl with black weave and big boobs which were obviously fake, then came to my desk interrupting my thoughts.I was so wrapped up i didn't even realize we were in Third block already
Coffee girl: Yu miz Karen niece?
Me: why do you care * Rolling eyes *
Coffee: Don't needa get all stank!i was jus askin!damn! don't wanna talk to your ratchet tail anyways!
Me: Your rather loud in a quiet classroom setting, dressed as a hooker so if anyone's ratchet its you.
Teacher: Melody why aren't you in your seat!
Melody: i was tawkin to new gurl ima go rite now * popping gum*

She then walked to her seat in front of the room.And glared at me. I knew from that moment on that me and Melody brooke were NOT going to be friends. The rest of the day went on normally. No one really talked to me and frankly i liked it that way.I wasn't use to having friends since i wasn't allowed to.Dad said he didn't want to share me with any "chicken head girls" or "love struck boys" the real words he said were much to violent for me to say so i just will sugar coat.As the day went by i figured out more about  Jose. well rather rumors about him but still, there is a little truth in every lie.Turns out he was a local drug dealer.The rest of things i don't believe but that one little fact stood out and didn't surprise me. I could tell by his whole dress code and the tattos on his arms and the scars he had. How did i observe all that by the little time i saw him in the office you ask?I didn't. we have some classes together which surprised me i mean because he didn't strike me as the smart type. probably just a mix up in schedule i assured myself. Lunch came finally and i was glad but then remembered i rushed out the house which didn't give me anytime to ask karen for lunch money. I didn't even attempt going to the cafeteria seeing though i had no money what so ever.so i just skipped lunch.Instead i went to a tree in the shade behind the portables it was totally secluded just the way i liked it. :) i sat and peacefully began rummaging through my brain trying to find some weird reason why god would do this to me.But then remembered preacher Maxwell's loud saying that
'Everything happened for a reason' but why this!!!!i took soothing breathes and felt tears escape my eyes as i gripped the grass underneath me. Why didn't daddy love me? Why couldn't mommy just get out of her grave and come back and hold me?
Jay: Are you OK?
My eyes popped open.How long had he been there? why was he there? Did he just see me cry?
Me: What are you doing here * attitude in my voice*
Jay: Isn't it obvious? *grinning
I surveyed him and noticed the blunt in his hand and now that i looked at his eyes again, i could see the were red
Me: You-your...High aren't you? *stammering*

My dad use to get high and when he did he was highly abusive or reckless.And seeing this boy in front of me doing the exact thing that destroyed my life angered me. If dad didn't smoke mommy would be here.I know it was wrong to take out my anger on him but i did.
Jay: No shit Sherlock * still grinning*

I wanted to wipe that smile off his face and make him suffer.The way i suffered every day.

Me:What are you doing?! your stocking me now?! Bad enough i have to deal with a convict/drug dealer in most of my classes but now he stocking me!I-

He stopped my ranting and looked at me with a look in his eyes that i could not explain it wasn't exactly angry yet he wasn't happy either.But it wasn't neutral.

Jay: who told you that?
Me: what?that your stocking me? no i figured that out by myself-
Jay: No that i....sell...?
Me: Heard it around
Jay: You shouldn't go around listening to you here Anastasia

With that he walked away angry leaving me frustrated. What the hell was he mad about!!! HE

 

was the one getting twisted!!!!i left the area feeling upset and concluded in my mind that i hated my new school.

My life...

Jay

Who was that girl to judge ME

 

!! she didn't know me.Besides that, word was getting around that I deal!I've haven't been in the game for too long but knew enough to know that a dealers biggest down fall was people knowing his line of work.The more people who knew was the more who could testify.I pushed away the thoughts of the new girl And walked to my truck.Now i know what your thinking its wrong of me to skip but i have a good reason.My kid sister gets out an hour before me so i had to skip 6th period each day to go pick her up. I didn't want her walking home, especially in the neighborhood we lived in.I drove to her elementary which wasn't but a few blocks from BVH. I saw my sister, Isabelle coming towards my truck.And boy was she taking her sweet time.
Me: belle hurry up
Belle: I'M Coming, i'm coming!

She entered the passenger seat and i began to drive home.You see the part wee live in is called palacio muerte which is Spanish for 'Death palace'. Its a very broken up neighborhood with a really high death rate hence the name Death palace. but we just call it muerte. Isabelle was seven and it was not safe for a little girl to be walking home by herself. We pulled up to our apartment building and I parked.

I pulled out my keys but before i could unlock the door it flew open.Belle screamed and i looked up to see grandpa drew
Me: pops why you always gotta do that shit
 Me and belle have been living with grandpa drew since i was 12.Mom has got strung out and hasn't come home ever since.and if she does come it for money.my real dad was never in the picture and frankly i don't need him to be.I handle the bills and put food on the table with my hustle and i don't need another mouth to feed.I've been selling since i was 15 and my home boy Calvin had convinced me to do it. pops thinks i got a real job at a restaurant called the 'sea shack' and since one of my clients is the manager there, He covers for me.Now you're probably wondering why pops don't work well it because he's a war veteran and has a bad leg which he can't stand on for to long on so he really just sits there all day at home.
Grandpa drew: boy what i told you bout cussing'?!don't think you to grown for an ass 'whoopin 'cuz i'll get my switch right now!

People were usually confused when they  found out granpa drew was my grandfather on the account of he was african american.However my father, granpa drew's son, was african american.I rolled my eyes at him and proceeded into the apartment and in my room.I dropped my backpack on the ground and looked at the mess all over my room. there was girls earrings,panties and bras laying around mixed with left over food and dirty boxers.i clean it later i told myself and spread my self on my bed only to feel something poke me in the back.I looked to see a gold hoop earring.probably Chiquita's.or maybe Ariel's?i don't know can't remember.Now i know what your thinking 'o my god its one of those players who dates every girl with a vagina' but i am NOT a player. I let girls know from the get go what i want and if they still wanna give it then be my guess but i'm not a relationship type of guy.Plus i don't wanna get some innocent girl involved with what i'm doing for a living.I can't hurt someone like that.I was drifting off to sleep when my iPhone rang.
ME:Hello? * groggily*
Sonny: Wassup man.is you high?
Sonny A.k.a calvin and I have been friends since forever and always got each other back. As i stated before he was the one that got me in the business.And when you in the business there aint alotta people you can trust.
ME: naw man i was sleeping.why what you need?
Sonny: We need some pizza.
Befor yall go judging thats me and sonny's discreet way of saying a delivery needed to be made and not pizza i mean drugs.Sonny's dad was like the crack king in muerte so the cops is always sweating sonny, listening to his conversations and shit..
Me: where?
Sonny:the usually pizza parlor.
Me:I'll be there in ten.
With that i hung up to get ready to lie to pops again about where i was going.

Why???..

Anastasia

When i got home or to Karen's home, i didn't eat.I just went into my horrible pink room and sobbed about my pitiful life.But i'm use to that.Not eating i mean.When i lived with my dad he starved me.He'd call me fat and say i didn't deserve to eat.And he was right i'm fat,not pretty and a worn out slut who lost her virginity to her father.These over wheming thoughts caused me to go to my suit case which i hadn't unpacked, and pull out my blade.I pressed it to my wrist and watched as it broke skin.Blood trickled down my arm as i began cutting my
palm,then my arm, the palm of my hand again.after a few minutes of cutting i closed my eyes and leaned against the head board of my bed.'you can do it'

a tiny voice said in my head 'you can end it all right now'

. i looked at the blade and contemplated suicide then put it back down.I let my self bleed some more before going to the restroom and washed off all the blood.I looked up at my self in the mirror.Why was i so ugly?I don't know what Damian saw in me.Damian is my 19 year old foster brother well, ex-foster brother.He wanted me Bad and kept saying how he could make the pain go away

and each time he told me this I told him that the pain was unvanishing and would never ever,ever leave no matter what he did.He promise he would fix me but died before he could.I was the reason he was dead but trust me, he deserved it.

*****Flash back***
I searched the school parking lot for Damian's black Honda and spotted it near the car loop.I ran as fast as i could before he left me and sat in the passenger seat.
Damian: hey little Anna
His long dreads stopped pass his back and his deep hazel eyes roamed my body as he ran his fingers up my thigh.I squirmed away and flinched a little.
Me: um can you not touch me
I was still shaken up back then and everything from a slammed door to a pen dropping scared the living shit out of me.his smile faded a but he took his hand of of me.He began driving and each time he hit a bump in the road I jumped.he made a right which confused since you had to make a left to get to my house well, my temporary house.he parked next to a bando which is slang an abandoned house.
Me: day-Damian? wh-where are we?
Damian: Ima make you feel good little Anna
he then got on top of me and began kissing my neck and rubbing my clitt.I squirmed under his weight and struggled underneath him.
Me: Please.... stop...let me go(whimpering)
Damian: stop struggling and stay still
His voice was hard and cold and he gripped my wrist so hard that i knew it would bruise.he pressed his lips against my neck but this time he was rough.He shifted a little bit and i could feel his large 'package' grinding against my hips. I whimpered cowardly and begged for him to stop but he just ignored me, unlike my father who'd beat me anytime i made a sound.I began kicking and fidgeting and my leg kicked the stick shift putting the car in drive. Damian's foot was still all the gas peddle causing the car to go full speed. Damian finally got off me and tried to get the car in control.But the car continued to swerve,and spin like crazy. i gripped the door handle and tried to get it open but i was panicking and forgot how to do so. A big green truck was coming right for us and all I saw was a big bright light before blacking out.
*****Flashback ended****

I opened my eyes which i realized were closed before running back into my room to find my blade again.

The project

Jose

First period which was chemistry was really boring.I already know all this shit.I surveyed the room from my position in back and noticed Anastasia wasn't here yet.I'm not gonna lie i was looking for her.something about her intrigues me but she obviously can't stand the mere sight of me.or maybe she just hates everybody?My thoughts were interrupted when the door opened and the principle Mr.Welsh walked in with Anastasia right behind him.And boy
did she look like shit.she wore tight blue skinny jeans that showed of her ass (not that i was looking)and a big gray hoody.her hair was pulled into a loose messy ponytail and there were black sags underneath her eyes which indicated she didn't sleep last night.her eyes met mine for a brief moment before she looked away with a hint of disgust in her eyes.Whatever.Johnny(me and the principle are on first name bases.)whispered something in the teacher's ear before giving the class a stern look(well mostly me) and exited the classroom.Anastasia dragged her self to her seat an and putting her head down.I didn't know this girl very well but i could tell something was very wrong.
Teacher:Mr.Romero?
Me: Yes peter?
Teacher: It's Mr. McLean to you and please pay attention we have a very important assignment today.
Me:Whatever makes you happy petety
the teacher then sighed and began proceeding telling the class about how we will have lab partners this year and all the girls will choose a name from the hat and it would be our lab partner. Then we had to figure out 20 things about our partner for homework tonight.I guess he was trying to be cruel by putting only boys names in the hat(as if sitting boy girl was a punishment anymore).First he gave the hat to Melody Brooke.who choose Bryan Welsh(the principles son), then to Chyna who chose Anthony,Then to Paytton who got Da'zaun then Anastasia who got...well i don't know who she got.When she had a paper she simply glared at it before thrusting on the floor and putting her head back down.Man she had issues.I don't even know why she acts that way.Her aunt is Karen Howard.She owns one of the top law firms in Atlanta.Anastasia can buy anything she wanted!she was simply a little rich girl with problems i concluded in my head.Just then the bell rung releasing us to lunch.Anastasia practically ran outa there while i however took my damn time.But before leaving I walked over to where she was sitting and picked up the crumpled piece of paper.I opened it and mumbled shit as i read the name JOSE ROMERO

.


Anastasia

Karen caught me.With my blade i mean.I was in the middle of a really intense cutting when she busted through the door asking if i wanted dinner.When i she saw the blood and blade she got hysterical and insisted that i see a therapist.WHAT THE FUCK!how crazy does she think i am! if she thinks i'm going to see a shrink then she is seriously deluded.She even drove me to school today!And told the principle to keep an eye on me.To make matters worst i got paired with druggie!!!I mean seriously, god must hate my guts.I was trying to make my way to third period when he

called me
Jay: Anastasia, hold up!
Me:What.Do.You.Want.?
he rolled his eyes at me
Jay:In case you didn't know we got an assignment to be done, but instead asking questions just make up whatever you want about me and vise versa.
Whoa.he wanted us to make things up?wrong!I don't want him making up retarded shit about me!
Me:No!just..meet up with me after school
Jay: Negative.I got stuff to do.
Me:What?Like sell drugs?
He glared at me before walking away.I could of walked away too.but i kinda needed an A in this class plus i don't wanna go home to Karen.
Me:Wait! okay!sorry that was uncalled for.please just meet me here after school.
Jay: I seriously have things to do but since your desperate, meet me here at 2:00 and we'll go to a park or something
Me: Isn't that skipping?school ends at 3:00.
Jay:What you never skip before rich girl?(Mocking tone)
Me: Aight 2:00 o clock then druggie.
with that i left, leaving him in the hallway by himself.
*********
It is 1:57 and I'm a wreck.I have never been to school as a child so i never really skipped before.I went up to my pregnant teachers desk and asked her to used the restroom.She took a look at my finished test then told me to go and hurry.Too bad she didn't know I wasn't coming back.I rushed to the girls restroom and looked at the pit stains on my hoody.Wow i'm a wreck.I pulled off the jacket and wrapped it around my waist.I was wearing my favorite low cut red tank top that said 'I'm smiling. This should scare you.' I tried to fix my ponytail but the hair tie popped so i just let my hair down.I looked at my watch to see it was 1:59.I walked out the restroom and stood in the hallway waiting for druggie.I waited for 10 minutes and he still wasn't here.I was about to leave till i saw his tall 6'4 figure coming down the hall.When he saw me he rose his eyebrows and smirked.
Jay: oh Anna you didn't have to get all prettied up for me, I would never find you attractive.
I rolled my eyes and proceeded to walk out of the building.He followed me. and lead me out to a truck.I ignored him but could feel his eyes on me.He started to drive and we stopped at a school.It was smaller than ours and little kids were piling out of the building.I gave Jose a questionable look but he didn't answer me instead he got out to help a little girl in the car.She looked about 6 or 7.She was gorgeous and had Jay's same curly hair and big brown eyes.
Little girl: Jay can we get ice cream today puhlease?I got a 100 on my spelling test and my card was on green today.please?
Jay: sorry belles i'm busy today but tomorrow OK?
Little girl: Does if have to do with the random girl in the front seat?
I didn't even think she noticed me. Jay nodded.
Little girl:Hi i'm Isabelle who are you?
Me:Hi Isabelle i'm Anna
Isabelle:My dolly's name is Anna!Maybe we could play dollies together and you can meet her.
Me: Yea sure anytime you want Isabelle.
Jay: Belles leave her alone and shut up till we get home
we drove for a few minutes in a horrible neighborhood.There were prostitutes lined up against walls.Men gambling,fighting and drinking in the middle of the streets.Teenage girls braiding hair in the front of their lawns.It all astonished me.Jose noticed my wide eyes and then said: Bienvenido a mi capucha chica rica

(A/N:He said Welcome to my hood rich girl)

Jay

The look on her face as we drove through muerte was priceless.And when we stopped at the front of my house her look went from shocked and surprise to comfortable and happy.I gave her a questionable look.
Anna:I use to live in a place like this when i was younger...before my mom died.
Me: OH. my mom's kinda dead too.
Anna: How can your mom be kinda dead?
I was about to answer her when the door flew open.again.She screeched and so did belles.
Grandpa drew: boy!didn't i tell you to bring that lil girl home at 2:15?!It is 2:35!I thought y'all was up in a ditch somewhere!
Me:sorry pops had some business to handle
Pops then looked at Anna and sized her up.Thank god she fixed her self up or pops would have said something slick.She actually looked decent,no scratch that she looked pretty.
Pops:And who is this little lady?
Me:pops this my friend Anna, Anna this my pops
Anna:Hi
Pops just grunted and let her through.I brought her into my room and couldn't help but feel slightly embarrassed my the mess in here.She kicked off her shoes and sat on my bed
Anna:So you gonna answer the question?
Me: What question
Anna:How is your mom kinda of dead?
Me:Well she out there somewhere doing crack and not here so when people ask me where my moms is i say she dead cuz she dead to me.
She thought about it for a moment before saying: i guess your right.
Anna:But...do you really think your mom wants to be there rather than here?
Me:she's not here isn't she?
Anna:but if she had complete control over the situation do you think she'd be here?
Me:I guess so
Anna:then don't say she's dead because eventually you'll get what your asking for.
I gave her a sideways glance but she didn't pay me any mind though.She was to busy organizing my room.What?why was she touching my stuff
Me:what.are.you.doing.?
Anna:your room is so dirty its repulsive, so i'm cleaning it.
I just shrugged my shoulders let her continue on with her work.I pulled out a sheet of paper and headed it accordingly
Me:Favorite color?
Anna:huh?
Me:What is your favorite color?
Anna:(frowning) why?
Me: um for the assignment duh.
Anna:ooh um white.what about you?
Me: It varies from day to day
Anna: Favorite song?
ME: (shrug)
Anna: Ugghh your so boring!Are all drug dealers boring?
Me:As if your any better.
Anna:Whats that suppose to mean?
Me: You so depressed!I have never seen you smile...EVER.
Anna: You don't know me! *pointing finger in my face*
ME:I know enough to conclude your emotionally Fucked up.
Anna:actually your right.So what else have you discovered in you analysis of me Dr.phil
ME:You jump to conclusions alot.
Anna: *raising her eyebrow* how so?
Me: take me for instance you already made up in your head that i'm a bad guy without getting to know me.
Anna: So your saying your not a drug dealer?
Me: You want the truth?
Anna: yea
Me:Yes I am.
Anna: Why?
Me: your not gonna put this on the paper right? *grinning*
Anna: I don't think Mr. McLean would take it if i did.
ME: I need the money.I mean not everyone has a rich aunt and lives in a mansion
Anna:I don't even consider her my aunt
Me:Why not?
Anna:Because she just popped up out of the blue and i don't like her.
Me:Where did you live before you came here?
Anna:L.A.
Me: oohh a cali girl
Anna smiled.I mean a real smile.
Me: Damn.Did that smile just kill you?
she then laughed.It was the cutest thing i ever saw.She wrinkled her nose a little bit and i could see a dimple in her right cheek as she laughed.
Me:Whats so funny?
Anna: you *chuckling*
Me:ooohkaaay?
Anna: your funny when your confused
Me:thanks.don't expect to see it again.
Anna: How old is she?
Me: huh?
Anna:Your sister.how old is she?
Me:seven and a half.
Anna:She looks like you..
she came closer to me and surveyed my face.We were less than a foot a way from each other.
Me: How so?
Annna: You have the same pretty brown eyes and curly hair..
she ran her fingers through my hair.She was staring into my eyes as if looking for something.I touched her face and began to lean in but she turned her face away.
Me:sorry.
Anna:Its ummm okay.
We sat in silence for the remainder of the time and only spoke when necessary.We finished in about 30 minutes i could of told her it was time to go but i kinda liked talking to her.I was about to break the awkward silence when my Iphone vibrated in my pocket.It was a text from sonny.Shit i was late.
Me:You ready to go??(standing up and grabbing keys)
Anna:No not really
Me:well i got things to do so you gotta go..
Anna:(sarcastically) things like what? sell drugs?
I clenched my jaw slightly.I was tired of her throwing that in my face every 5 seconds, like seriously shut up.I grabbed her bag and walked out my room.She followed just as i planned and snatched her bag away.
Anna:Don't touch my shit (growling)
I rolled my eyes and walked to my truck with her following closely behind.I opened the passenger door for her and she got in reluctantly.She gave me her adress and i drove to the clean part of the city and couldn't help but gape at the huge white 4 story house.She mumbled goodbye and exited my car.

Therapy...

Dr.Tarra Andrews.5'6 caramel skin,curly hair that rested on her shoulders and killer shoe game.Professional look,boogie attitude and a bowl of blue jolly ranchers always resting on the coffee table.Not green,or purple or red but blue jolly ranchers and no other color.That was my therapist.when i first entered the room i didn't speak i just sat on the sofa silently.For the whole two hour session she let me sit there and eat jolly ranchers.Which surprised me because i expected her to cut to the chase with a whole bunch of bullshit about emotions and shit.All the while there i couldn't stop thinking about Jose.His personality was not one i could pin point and i couldn't describe the type of person he is.I thought about him so often that i barely even remember my plans for killing my self.I couldn't get to close though or I might get attached .But i loved the way he looked at me.like I was more than an broken little girl who's been through years of abuse.Like I was a girl with potential and like I was beautiful.Crazy I know but it was the truth.I wish I could speak to him more but I know that no one wants to be my friend in this horrible town.I stood out more than a sore thumb and I missed LA so much.But I rather be here with a bunch of country bumpkins than underneath my father.He was rotting somewhere in a prison cell.Sometimes I feel sorry for him and hope he gets better.Others I hate him for doing this to me.I even hate my mom sometimes for leaving me alone with him.But most days I blame myself.for not telling.For not ending the abuse when it first started.I guess i felt sorry for him.I know,i know why would i be sorry to a man who've done nothing but abuse me for 4 years straight.I wanted to cry but Dr. Tarra was staring at me.Though that did not stop the tears from welling in my eyes.They threatened to fall but i held in in.Tarra saw me and handed my a tissue.And that was all she did other then stare at me.When I got home Karen bombarded me with questions about therapy but i simply ignored her.I curled up in my fetal position waiting for sleep to take me, knowing that i would wake up a short time later from my nightmares.I was too hurt to be healed and no therapy in the world could make the pain go away.

Falling for you

Jose

 

I like her.As much as i hate to admit it, I like her.Though our time together ended sourly, I can't stop thinking about her.She was so fragile yet so strong.So beautiful and she didn't even know it.But she hates me and thinks i'm a monster.She even dodged my kiss.So why am i so hooked on someone I've only known for 96 hours?I shook my head out of these thoughts and got ready for school.After i dropped Belles off i went to school and leaned against my car waiting for my regular customer.His name was Big Zeke and was probably the worse case of drug addiction you've ever seen.He came to me 4 times a day and each time he came i felt horrible for selling drugs to him.But i knew if i stopped Belles and pops wouldn't eat for a week.I saw Zeke's tall slim stature coming towards me and grabbed the little white packet from my pocket and clenched it in my fist.Zeke was once was muscular and bulgy but years of drug abuse was withering him away.
Me: wassup man?
Big Zeke: cut with the bullshit man and give me what i came for.
I sighed and looked around before handing him the packet.He quickly put it in his pocket before handing me a wad of hundred dollar bills and walking away.I counted it and stuffed it in my pocket before looking around again.Standing a few feet away from me was Anastasia staring at me like she'd seen a ghost.My eyes met hers for a brief moment but she broke away the gaze and walked into the building.I ran after her and grabbed her arm.She faced me slowly and stared into my eyes still looking shaken up.Her eyes were glassy.
Me: Did you see everything?
She shook her head yes slowly.
Me: Will..will you tell?
she shook her head no.I let go of her arm and stared into her eyes.
Me:Are you scared of me?
Shook her head no again
Me: Then whats wrong?
Anna: I'm scared of the drugs...
Me: why?
Anna: They made a person i love do some really bad things...
Me: Do you want to talk about it.
Anna: No.
Me: Can i walk you to class?
She stared at me for a long time, contemplating whether to trust me or not.I couldn't blame her.If i was her i wouldn't trust me either.
Anna: Yes.
I lent my hand out to her and she took it.We walked the halls together and i couldn't help but feel a tingling sensation as she held her hand in my mine.We stopped in front of our first period.The bell hadn't rung yet.I lean against the wall but didn't let her hand go.She pursed her lips and stared at me.I stared back and brought her closer to me. we were face to face now.I leaned into her and pecked her soft lips.She was stiff and didn't respond.I broke away and met her eyes.
Me: I'm sorry i don't know what i was think-
I was interrupted by her crashing her lips against mines.I kissed her back and wrapped my arms around her waist as she draped her arms around my neck.I pressed her body against mine.I bit her bottom lip begging for entrance.She gave it to me and tangled her hands in my hair.The bell rung and we jumped.She broke away from me and rushed in class leaving me in a confused and dazed state.I couldn't go in there.So i simply walked back out the way i came.I couldn't stay in school with Anna there...I wouldn't be able to control my self.....


Anastisia

He kissed me and i wasn't scared.There was no memories or confusion like i expected, but instead there was a tingling sensation that flooded though out my body.He didn't come to class though, which means he regretted every minute of it.I didn't see him in the halls either.God, it was so horrible i ran him out of school?The sensation that i had before was gone and i was in a depressed state, as always.When i saw him selling drugs all i could think about was how,men use to come around in the wee hours of the morning and handed paper bags to my father.I could never see what was i bags but i knew it was something illegal.Whatever he popped or smoked made him act crazy for the rest of the day.I was always scared whenever the men came, because it always meant trouble for me.I wish i had normal life and normal problems.Like a cheating boyfriend or a backstabbing best friend, but instead i had to worry about getting accidentally pregnant by my dad.I hadn't cut myself since i spent the day at Jay's house 3 days ago.But my depressed state was luring me to the kitchen to find a knife.I would use my razor but Karen took it -_-.So now i have been reduced to using anything i could find.I wish i could talk to Jay and tell him i was sorry for kissing him.My thoughts were interrupted by a light knock on my door.I didn't respond and Lyn rushed in.
Nana a.k.a Lyn: Hey Anna...Karen told me what happened, how ya feelin
Her voice was soothing and sweet and made me want to curl up in her lap and tell her everything.I shrugged her off instead.
Lyn: Well , you don't have to talk about it if you don't want to
I nodded in response and wished she'd go away so i can cry.
Lyn: Did you wear that to school?
She was looking at my grey sweat shirt and matching sweat pants.I nodded again.
Lyn: humph, just like my daughter, to get so caught up in her work that she didn't even take you shopping!And your hair is crying for a perm.*Raking her fingers through my hair* Don't worry tomorrow after you get from school i'm going to handle it.
I didn't have time to decline her offer because she left.I guess it would be good to get out of the house and Izadore out of my head.Maybe a day of pampering would make me forget everything that happened...

***********

Jay

'

I used my time away from school hustling to keep my mind off Anna but that shit wasn't working every second of the day was spent thinking about her, shit even Sonny noticed.
Sonny: So what gotcha caught in yo feelings,puta

?
He asked me yesterday when i skipped school after the kiss.
Me: Nothin' man and i ain't a whore
Sonny:So it's a chica

?Is she fine?
Me: Just get out my business and give me what i need to sell. gilipollas

(Translation:asshole)
Eventually he did but it just made me wonder if Anna could read me like that.That thought made me decide to skip today too. Sonny usually handled the customers at the mall alone, but since I was here I decided to tag along.It always made me laugh when we went to the mall together.I mean, just to see the terrified look on peoples face when they see sonny made me laugh.He was completely harmless to me but in the eyes of others he was a nightmare- a symbol of evil.But i always wondered whether they were scared of me, or sonny.Slowly the mall began to fill with giddy teens meaning school was out.I almost wanted to slap each and every one of them for being so joyful and naive.For having no worries.While i was stuck here wondering if the sitter got Belles on time.Sonny was busy tryna get some ho number.The girl was beyond ghetto making me question sonny's taste in woman.
Me: Man stop being a pendejo

lets go to the food court man.
Sonny: you right all the big booty chicas

always in the food court.
I rolled my eyes and walked into the court.My nose was immediately attacked by different aromas making my stomach grumble.I bought a burger and fries but sonny had to get the hot wings making me regret my decision.I sat and chewed on my fries but now that i had food i wasn't really hungry.
Sonny: Damn mami

looking fine.
I din't even want to see the ghetto ass girl he was tripping over this time.So i ignored him
Sonny: Shit i fuck her moms too.You think i could get s threesome?
Ew. Is he seriously fantasizing about some old lady and her ghetto daughter.I peered up too give him a look but instead i caught myself staring at what he was staring at.Anna.She looked completely different though.I barely even recognized her.Her hair was in an abundance of curls that landed in the middle of her back and clipped by a red bow.Her usual attire of jeans and a sweatshirt was replaced by a short black skirt that curved her ass and a red polka dotted blouse.She was completely converted into a goddess (not that she wasn't before)

.I don't know how long i was staring before she noticed but when she did she simply turned around and took the hand of the woman beside her.
Sonny: Ima go spit game *getting up*
I stopped him before getting up and walking over to her table.
Me: So I'm invisible now? *crooked grin playing on face*
Anna:I don't know you tell me, a conversation works both ways
Me:Exactly why i started one.
We stared at each other for a while before a throat cleared behind me.The woman Anna was with was giving me a death glare but i didn't really care about her opinion of me
Anna: Lyn, this is my classmate Jose. Jose this is Lyn.
Damn.She couldn't even introduce me as a friend.I mean hell, we made out enough for us to at least

be associates.
Lyn: Jose very nice to meet you.
The disapproving look on her face told me other wise.I was wearing a wife beater that exposed all or at least most of my tatts and i could tell the woman didn't approve.But i didn't care about her approval, right now i was trying to get Anna's attention.
Me: Anna,Can I talk to you right quick..?
Anna told the woman she'd be back and followed me outside the food court.
Me: So.. whats up with the make over?
I asked when we finally made it to a secluded area.She pursed her lips and looked down.
Anna:Why is it ugly?
Me:No!I just wondered why you did it.
Anna:It was Lyn's idea..
Me:Who is she to you anyways?
Anna:My so called grandmother
My jaw dropped.The woman looked way too young to have a grandchild.Guess beauty ran in the family.Gosh if Anna ever heard what I was thinking...
Anna:I'm sorry for kissing you
Me:You do realize I kissed you first,right?*grinning slyly*
Anna:I shouldn't have kissed back!
Me:I'm glad you did.
Anna:Why won't you just go back to being mean to me?!
Me: 'Cuz your cool.
Anna:Just leave me alone!
Me: I would but you don't mean it.
Anna:Yes I do!
Me:No you don't
Anna:Yes
Me:No
Annna:YES!
Me:N-O
Anna :Ye-
She was cut off by me kissing her.She didn't respond and pushed me away and slapped me.I just kissed her again but this time she kissed back passionately.I felt the cool metal of my gun press against me as i pulled her closer.You always have to pack heat in this game.Our kiss was interrupted by a loud gun shot that came from the food court.Sonny.I pushed Anna off of me before running down the mall and entering the court.Sonny was making an exit through the window and i looked to see a dead bloody body.If i wasn't use to this I would shit a brick but since i was, I just followed Sonny.


Anastasia

He kissed me then ran.Well,technically the gunshot interrupted our kiss but still,it was the second time he left me after he

kissed me.Shortly after he ran off, the mall was put lock down and officers stormed in and questioned the shoppers. Apparently no one saw anything,but something told the dead body had to do with Jay or his thug-looking friend.Maybe Jay purposely dragged me out the court so I wouldn't see anything.Maybe he didn't like me at all and was trying to distract me.I can't believe I actually liked him!I ignored those thoughts and focused on the problem at hand:someone is dead and Jay is involved in some way.I had to find out what the hell happened and why.Even if it's ugly.

Izadore

Sonny and I made a clear exit through the mall employee parking lot, to my truck.I drove a decent distance before decide to ask what happened.
Me: What the fuck was that Sonny!Anybody could of saw you man!
Sonny: some guerrero sangre

nigga came up in there, tryna run up on me and maybe if you weren't busy trying to get some coño

(pussy), then you could've had my back!
guerrero sangre

is a new Mexican gang in muerte that meant 'Warriors Blood'.Ever since they came in to town, they've had it out for Sonny's dad because he was the biggest supplier in Georgia, a status that they want to change and anyone who works for him is a target as well.
Me:fuck!Should we tell Larry?
Sonny:Naw keep my dad out of it for now,I sent a message when i killed one of their little perros

(dogs).Now let's just see how they respond.
I nodded in agreement and rolled in silence for the rest of the time.when I got home belles was already there so I just laid in bed and contemplated all the events that happened today. Sony was right. I shouldn't have left him for Anna.but it was so hard to stay away,probably going to be even harder now that she's has a little makeover.maybe I just needed to sleep with her 1 time and it'll be out of my system. But what if it's not? What if I actually start to like her?What if it's more than physical attraction?

Impressum

Texte: Please dont steal my book im not in the mood to sue!!!Also im a busy person so please be patient with me uploading the book.
Tag der Veröffentlichung: 25.11.2011

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To all the people out there, who's pain never goes away........