Generally Aware

GENERALLY AWARE

By Colin Peterson.

 

 

Dramatis personae

 

Doctor Tosst -  looks in his thirties, acts as if in his eighties; a mental patient who builds a haven for people who are not insane but rich and like getting fucked. 

Doctor Bohl  - acts like a spoilt child, but is in his middle-age; agrees with this scheme, also a mental patient.

Carrion -  a patient who pays to be insane, then pays to become a doctor.

Flore - works in the canteen as a skivvy, serving shit; aged around her late thirties to forties.

Wede - a rich kid, in her twenties, who likes the mental life. And claims to be the President's wife.

Goba - unknowingly claims to be the President. He is ridiculously young looking, a child even. But acts old.

Poval - chief of security, looks like a skinhead, ageless, and dressed like a shop secuirty guard.

Kitty Rexia - a rich kid who has come to Stotto Island for free drugs.

Val Cosis - a rock star, apparently, but does anyone care? Val looks like a zombie.

Ed Stern - an undercover reporter intrigued by Stotto Island, looking haggard, older than thirty.

TV Cameraman - doesn't really want to film here, bored looking.

TV Reporter - a sexless TV reporter with a hair-piece, wears make-up to look younger than fifty.

Guards - all orderlies, but dressed like shop security guards; of various ages.

 

Applying to all roles: that race, or even gender, are not important

 

Setting: Stotto Island, a mysterious island that could be found anywhere - even in someone's head....

 

 

            "We know what we are, but know not what we may be"  Hamlet, IV,v,43.

 

William Shakespeare

 

 

 

 

Scene 1: A dimly lit room. There are two electric chairs; the floor has pools of blood around it.

Goba and Wede are strapped into electric chairs. They have electrodes coming out of their head and are surrounded by Surgeons with scalpels. Goba and Wede look comfortable in the chair; Goba is reading the script and Wede eats a bloodied burger. Next to her is a small tray of burgers, which have been stained with blood.

 

Goba  (throws down the script to 'Generally Aware'.) No, it doesn’t take much. You have to get people interested I suppose. But who gives a fuck. I hate all that ‘Ooh, it’s-so-uninteresting-but-cool.’ shit. I mean, it’s crap. As in shit. Shitcrap. Crapshit. (Another electrode is attached to his head by a Surgeon.) Yeah, well, did I tell you I watched the Quincy movie the other day?  

 

Wede No, you didn’t. (She is cut by a Surgeon across the face. The Surgeonsall applaud, laughing. She doesn’t scream, but continues normally to Goba.) I wouldn’t mind getting into politics, but you have to be posh still, don’t you? Teach the working classes how to keep things steady; give ‘em better booze. No, the extreme is not extreme any more unless it’s being moderate. (Pause.) Sorry, I’m boring you aren’t I?

 

Goba Of course you are. But…No, where was I? Oh, that’s it, yeah, I was saying -- to myself that is -- that if I started a war, I would get into debt; but I could get my student overdraft extended. No, that’s all bullshit, sorry. I was trying to be funny. (Wede yawns, but a burger is stuck in her mouth by a surgeon.) Well, I didn’t say I went on a peace march the other day. Yeah, it was quite dull. I mean, what was the fucking point. I got stoned with some old hippies and they mixed their drugs. Marching for a system not to listen to you.

 

Wede (still eating the burger; spitting out bits of it.) I had a system once: I'd go to work then straight to bed. It saves money, but I don’t remember seeing anyone.

 

Long Pause. Then Bohl enters, holding a clipboard. The Surgeons exit, hissing at Bohl.

 

Bohl Hello you guys! Having a good time?

 

Goba Yeah! (Smiling to reveal a bloodied mouth.) Does it look like it?

 

Bohl (taking out his pen, licking the nib.) No, it’s just that we have to ask that question; it’s routine, you see. Okay, you’ve made good progress. Hope you’re taking it easy? Yes? I can tick that box! And things aren’t stressing the brain too much. We don’t want you to think now. This is meant to be a mad house.

 

Wede Is that for mad people?

 

Bohl No, it’s for the sane! We have to keep you separate, don't you see? You know there is an old cliché that novelists from another time used where…(Laughs.) Be warned: this is funny,really fuckin’ clever! The mental patient is sane and the Doctor who treats them is mad! Funny, isn’t it! LAUGH! LAUGH NOW! 

 

Wede (sternly.) It’s a Dan Ackroyd film, I think.

 

Bohl Ooh, someone has to get all clever - Oooh smarty pants! You must've been a TV once! Before all the wanky virals! (Laughs to himself; stabbing his clipboard with his pen.) You must think I’m really barmy - ooh, the way you're looking at me! (Concerned.) You do, don’t you? (To an unknown presence off stage.) Pull 'em.

 

Wede and Goba get electrocuted.

 

Scene 2: An office. Bohl enters. Bohl trashes the office. Flore enters, starts to clean it very slowly. She uses a thong for a duster.

 

Flore You’re not trashing your office again are you?

 

Bohl I need another reality - a cure for this shit! This isn’t life. What a waste! I could be doing something good. I could be dead too!  

 

Flore I know, you think it’s in your head, as you're the mad one - not our patients. Clever that. You think of it all by yourself? You have to think of clever things outside of institutions like this. It’s harsh out there - but we’re safe here. (Gives Bohl an injection; continues dusting.) You’ll be fine, trust me.

 

Bohl Aren’t you meant to do something shocking like suck me off, or give me a good arse fisting? Where’s the strap-on you had the other day?

 

Flore I never wear them - they're dangerous to pedestrians. You have to think about them things when you're in here.

 

Bohl You’re mad too, aren’t you? Why isn’t there anything new! It’s such a cliché: to moan about something that isn’t new! I’m repeating myself? Did I just say that? I did, didn’t I? (Beat.) That’s why I’m so boring! I need a sexual partner! Sexual healing, free the feeling. Anything will do! ANYTHING! I’m hopelessly predictable - stuck in rut! It’s turning my existence into a guinea pig - or my guinea pig is existence. I’M A GUINEA PIG!

 

Flore No, it’s just slightly manic, doctor. Well, it is Monday. It’s better than a tragic Tuesday.

 

Bohl I can see your point. Can I give you a good one? No? I have to do something. Is Dr. Tosst in?

 

Flore Yes, he’s in his office.

 

Bohl Right. Well, I’ve trashed mine. What’s Tosst doing?

 

Flore (angry.) Dr. Bohl, I think you should find out for yourself.

 

Bohl Fine. I will. What is he doing? I mean, he could be pleasuring himself? I don't want him getting me on self-love Friday. He can be on horny on the right combination of meds.

 

Flore He could be, but he will be more likely to be pleasuring one of the patients. That electrocuted one was very dishy!

 

Bohl. They're in heaven now; lucky buggers. The struggle of existence removed from them, they couldn't afford to even die. They're all very strange, though. They seemed to be oblivious to the fact that we had botched an operation - for scientific purposes. We still get paid, but they were still oblivious. They’re complete fuckheads, anyway. But I liked them.

 

Flore. I’m sure to like you. I like all new doctors. Oh yeah! Tosst has discovered something big. He wants to see you.

 

Bohl (irritated; panics.) What now? I’ve had a hectic morning!

 

Flore It’s the afternoon.

 

Bohl Don’t play the time game with me! Miss-E! It’s all fair in love and war.

 

Flore I don’t have the time for both of those pursuits, trivial as they maybe.

 

Bohl I’ll see you later then -- call it six?

 

Flore I’ll see you in the canteen. They might even be playing some Howard Jones.

 

       Bohl eyes Flore, thinking she is strange, then exits, while Flore sniffing the thong, continues to clears up  his  messy office.

 

Scene 3: Bar. Tosst is in a bar surrounded by mental patients. One of them, code-named Carrion, is taking notes on how to be mental.

 

Tosst No, Carrion, you must never admit to your insanity. I don’t - why should you?

 

Carrion WHY NOT!?

 

Tosst Well, it’s quite rational.

 

Carrion REALLY!

 

Tosst Yes. Do you have to shout all the time?

 

Carrion No. I’M SORRY!

 

Tosst Okay; let’s try another example. I’m a doctor -

 

Carrion I know, just stop rubbing it in will you! Bloody only need a overdraft and a grant for any old pee-aitch- dee! Who fucking cares! I mean, who really cares if you’re a doctor or a cosmonaut! I may be a drop-out but I’m no lackey! See: I don’t care! This is my bothered face.

 

            Carrion puts on a skull mask, and pokes out his tongue, flicking it at Tosst.

 

Tosst Well, I don’t know, Carrion. I agree you don’t look bothered. But I’m sure some survey does care. Let’s not get distracted by figures just yet.

 

Carrion But I’m trying to be insane so I can have good life, and disobey all of society’s ideals! So I’m doing the insane thing? Do you like my get up? Look: odd socks and odd trainers - I’m wacky, aren’t I?

 

Tosst NO! You’re just a dickhead who doesn’t want to work! That’s incurable. I know your sort!

 

Carrion Sorry, I’ll let you continue. I’m not listening though.

 

Tosst Good. So if we try to have a rational discussion, you can’t handle it. It’s because it’s communication. Oral, face-to-face, mouth-to-mouth, communication: it scares you. You have no idea how to communicate to others in the flesh, without an email, or a phone. Apart from showing off and being silly. Asking people for money; shouting insults. Standard life stuff, really.

 

Carrion I see. How can I perfect a certain madness trait thingy. I need something: I’ve been watching loads of movies to give me ideas - but they just make me laugh! I don’t want to be a head-banger, but I don’t mind cutting myself up.

 

Tosst Okay then: that’s your assignment. Go and cut yourself up and come back to tell me how you feel. Like that matters. Just tell me something - that’s bullshit, of course. All psychos lie to their shrinks. It’s a fact of life, like mutual masturbation. We can do that next session…Maybe? (Carrion scribbles that bit down.)  Okay, and make my cheque out to Tosst and Tosst. That’s another part of the cure.

 

Carrion exits, skipping away gaily, unknowingly dropping his notes. Bohl enters looking starved.

 

Bohl Doctor, doctor, I feel like a doctor!

 

Tosst Okay take a seat, but don’t keep me waiting!(To an invisible waiter.) I’ll have two blowjobs, and a screaming orgasm. Just one mind you. 

 

Bohl Right, okay. (Goes behind the bar and messily mixes some drinks. He hands all three to Tosst, who knocks them all over.) Tosst: I’ve a confession to make. I’ve realised that I’m a doctor. Here to save lives, but a crime has been committed. A crime which violates our codes. I forget the codes, but I’m here to announce to you that I think people are trying to enter the establishment without being certified as insane. I’m botching the ops; I’ve covered up too many now. (Disgusted; Tosst licks the spilled drink of the table.) But all this normality in here. I think it’s an inside job - probably a bung! Or an unethical doctor trying to make some money.

 

Tosst That’s crazy! (They snigger.) Sorry. I couldn’t resist that one. No, what I meant was: that’s barmy! (They laugh again.) Sorry, what can I say: I’m a child at heart! I just like to go bonkers now and again! (They laugh, but Bohl is tired of Tosst’s poor jokes. ) Sorry-

 

Bohl (violently.) Don’t do anymore, or I’ll go…AAAAARGH! No more madness! Stop it all! This is-

 

Tosst I’ve done all those! No-one likes an impostor, doctor. Some dullard chancer, with only word games to offer. The names changed, but the package is the same. Just like a society really. Well, this one in particular. You were saying that the norms were getting in?

 

Bohl Yes, that’s right. We’ve been isolated here for almost ten years. Stotto island is a haven for mad people, a recognised institution with international acclaim.

 

Tosst We get the odd mention in the local rag, but we’ll get more soon, Bohl! Maybe even a digital channel. Spruce up our webpage, sell ourselves more ion the socials. Digi-whoring. 

 

Bohl I don’t follow, I don't understand.

 

Tosst. Well, you know you need this stuff called money?

 

Bohl YEAH!

 

Tosst You know we have none?

 

Bohl Yeah?

 

Tosst Don’t panic; I haven’t sold Stotto Island. I’ve expanded it instead. Equity release. And I’m offering a cure: people who want to get out of society are invited to come and live here - and pretend to be mad. Don’t worry - they’re usually rich bods, who want to live in the comfort of a capitalist paternalism. See, I’m a daddy! 

 

Bohl But I thought I was the daddy round here, sugar?

 

Tosst Not anymore, tassle-tits. The board agreed with me. They called the move insane but, after my baby-buns routine, I guaranteed real prawn sarnies at the next meeting so they were easily pleased. They only mentioned ethics once.

 

Bohl I take it that was the second time?

 

Tosst WHAT WAS?

 

Bohl Ethics? (To himself, slapping himself.) Oh, shit! It’s the third time now! You know: ethics? 

 

Tosst (covering Bohl’s mouth.) Don’t mention it! Hush it all up. The spies are out, kiddo. We have to check them fully before they come to this haven, but once they're in that’s it!  I think it’s quite a good idea; I’m impressed, mainly with myself. As everyone thinks society - and human nature is mad anyway - they should all come here. At least they take care of themselves and each other. We’re getting a good spirit here, eh?

 

Bohl Not more vodka!? I can’t; my liver will need another one, though. It's addictive with that Colombian tincture you've procured. I’ve already gone through a few (Burps.) Keeps me awake though, makes me see into the future.

 

Tosst. Go easy on that hallucinogenic stuff - it’s for the fakes. We always need more drugs; the full heinous gamut. This is a full scale operation!

 

Bohl. I don’t know about this! Turning a mental home in a well-drugged holiday haven! Are we making our money back?  

 

Tosst. Oh, it’s not that bad. Society’s just shit, and don’t think ‘Hi-Di-Hi’. (Trying to fuck Bohl’s leg.) More like: Heidi-ho, ho, ho! (Beat.) No, not Lapland. That’s been whored. No, Doc, this idea is more liberal; we - well, I - have the power to get homeless people off the streets and get them to do the tests the fakes don’t want to! That way homeless people get a home and the fakes get a long time of luxurious pursuits! At a price, of course, which means they have to be rich already! But this could be an alternative to the tax haven. I think we have a strong pitch. The government should start paying us for curing the problem of poverty - we’re killing it off! We all know everyone hates work, so I solved the poverty problem. See, we can start refurbishing as soon as Mr. Carrion’s cheque clears. Look at that! (Hands Bohl a cheque. Bohl is stunned.) Impressed, huh?

 

Bohl. I am now - I think this is the best cure you’ve ever had! And it will cure us all forever!

 

Tosst. That’s what I was thinking! But I suppose you think it’s about the money. It’s not. It’s about the fact that I wanted to create my own world - in my head - but they said no. So, hopefully, these suckers will create it for me.

 

Bohl. (confused.)  Yeah. Right.  Let’s keep it simple, and just laugh about the gain of money?  

 

They laugh like mad scientists.

 

Scene 4: Canteen. It is all made of paper, so it is very flimsy. Another inmate - pisses in the corner, then vomits, then excretes. They then proceed to put it all on a plate, leaving it on a table. They exit as Flore enters. She picks up the plate - and a knife and fork - and starts to eat. Bohl enters.

 

Bohl Hello, love.

 

Flore Hello. Did you want some pasta?

 

Bohl Wasn’t that last night? It’s quite strong; can smell it from the theatre!

 

Flore Yeah, I think they’ve re-heated it. But they’ve added more garlic and some of those seedy cloves. They must think they are all naked cooks. Mind you, Fanny would be proud. Want to try?

 

Bohl No, I’ll pass. I think I have the runs; there is something going around!

 

Flore I’ve already had that. Did you like the Doctor’s new cure?

 

Bohl Very much. I suggested that we start it in Africa as well, we might just solve everything. For good.

 

Flore It is illegal at the moment. If we get found out to be abusing our patients - the sane ones, that is -then we’re for it. Oh, and the insane ones are unimportant, like homeless people. They’ll be going to Brussels. I don’t know how, but they all end up there somehow. 

 

Bohl I have to go soon. Is there any tea?

 

Flore Yes, but it’s not PG.

 

Bohl Why did you feel the need to say that? Why certify the tea?

 

Flore I just thought you liked-

 

Bohl Sssh! Is that your little trait of insanity! Clever, very good. (Looks around the canteen.) You’re pretending you’re in an advert. Yeah? Everything’s rosy in the garden, eh pet? You’re just sooo perfect! You think life is just one happy experience solved by a good cuppa? You just want to plug things. Brainwash me, huh?  I think I love you, I really do. No, that doesn’t sound exciting. Good trait, by the way. As a psycho. I mean…well, you know, I’m an expert aren't I? Who is a real psycho these days? I mean an expert on -

 

Flore I wasn’t plugging a thing -

 

Bohl Here I can be the chimp! (As a chimp) Oohh-ah-ooh-ahh OOHPGOOHAAAHOOHPG! Ah-AHHAHAHA!

 

Flore Come on: don’t be a tit. Not on a first date. I don’t want to commit myself here. I work here, don’t I?

 

Bohl Yes, I’m sorry. This mad thing is so much fun! I never thought just applying theories could be so much fun! They’re pointless fun, which distracts from the boredom of real life. 

 

Flore  You don’t just apply them, do you?

 

Bohl Yes. That’s all we do. Profound really. Regurgitating other people’s ideas, passing them off as your own. Then we might kill a few people, in practice. A few always die.  IT WASN’T FORTY-THREE MILLION, IT WAS ONLY THIRTY-NINE! But that’s a minor thing.

 

Flore I like that song. I really do - that’s so sweet. You remembered my favourite song.

 

Bohl Will you stop doing that plug: ‘Oh -I’m-so-cool-I-eat-Doritos-thing’. It’s not. Anyway, the cameras are off. You know security around here is secure due to it being lax.

 

Flore I’m not playing  games with you  - I assure you!

 

Bohl Speaking of plugs, I need to find some tramps. Just a couple of bag ladies, or an old timer, on his last legs from the bad winter. Struggling to live on the scraps of Whopper meals left for him. 

 

Flore Don’t hurt them!

 

Bohl The best that can happen is a quick death, but the good thing is they’re going to another dimension.  I better go. See you soon.

 

Flore I don’t know: Maybe you should persuade Tosst to open the cure up to people with no money. Then he could get people working for him. Like slaves.

 

Bohl. Yeah that’s called slavery.

 

Flore. No, co-operation.

 

Bohl. Yeah, slavery!

 

Bohl slaps Flore, who looks shocked. Bohl then scowls at her, then exits. Flore, looking tearful, falls forward onto her plate.

 

Scene 5. Laboratory. Tosst is cooking something up; it’s broccoli. Tosst is making his dinner. Carrion enters, with a frazzled Goba.

 

Carrion. Look what I found Tosst! A real life mad person! Look at them! They won’t die - he has no idea what I’m talking about! He could be dead!

 

Goba. Where’s my wife?

 

Carrion. (laughing.) Wife! Hah! He thinks he has a wife! Ooh, Tosst, is that broccoli! You’ve really excelled yourself this time. Have you wrote a paper yet?

 

Tosst. I’m trying to cook it just the way you like it. You’re so fussy! I need lemon juice. 

 

Goba. I never got this star treatment? What’s so special about him? You’re a rich kid, aren’t yah?

 

Tosst Don’t worry about him; he’s a nutbar! Yeah, he’s been in here since birth.

 

Goba I decided to come back in for the free meals and the shelter.  And the drugs. I couldn’t have hacked it out there - in the other world! I would have had to turn to crime or - even worse! - go back into education. No-one would have accepted me! They would’ve laughed at me!(In a posh accent.) ‘Oh, look at the working-class boy who thinks he’s educated; ooh he thinks he is clever, but he isn’t!’  He can’t be, as he is off the streets. See: my circumstances are against me! Always and forever!   

 

Carrion (trying to be intellectual.) This is a problem! I think he’s trying to lose himself in a stereotype. Or an S-twelve, L- seven. An S.S.R.I case. As Et al and Et al say - I think it was in the famous eighty-seven study! He feels safer if people pre-judge him on his outward appearance and, of course, his demeanor of street life. He has no hope, except for more money. He is dangerous - DANGEROUS!- as he’ll do anything for money!

 

Tosst (eating the broccoli.) I agree with all that! (Sneezes.) Bull shit. It’s good. I’m talking about the broccoli now - keep up, Carrion -it’s just right.  You know, Carrion, you should be a doctor here?

 

Goba That’s not fair! When I was here -and I’ve been here for ages - I never would’ve got promoted from patient to doctor so quickly! Fucking ‘us and them’! I hate it!

 

Carrion Can I cut some of his brain out?

 

Tosst Does he have one?

 

Goba No, I’ve no brain! Don’t be silly! Me, and a brain? Pah! Call yerselves doctors!

 

Carrion Can I just cut him up anyway?

 

Tosst Yeah, why not. Why not try out that experimental vivisection machine I have? You can go on it - remember you’re a patient, but you’re a doctor aswell! See: you’re getting the best of both worlds.

 

Goba Isn't that a Dan Ackroyd movie - I’m sure of it!

 

Carrion I thought you had no brain?

 

Goba I don’t. Daaaada-do-daduh! Ugh! Uuuuuuuuurgh!

 

Tosst Amazing, I thought you were living through the dead!

 

Carrion (aside; to Tosst.) That’s very convincing - maybe he has no brain! Can I have a floret?

 

Tosst Of course, but all in good time. (Finishing the broccoli.) This man is under delusions of madness. He thinks he’s is mad, but, alas, he is not. He is terrible! Let’s get rid of the rest of his brain, then release him outside. Well, we don’t want him in here, do we? Go on Carrion, do what you will on him - let loose and keep the receipt! You can claim back on anything in thirty days.

 

Carrion My rights are not affected if this goes a bit wrong?

 

Goba (aggressively pushing Carrion away) I won’t go! I fucking won’t! You’re going to have to fuck me up first!

 

Tosst Stay calm, security will be along soon!

 

Goba That means I could break out? Yeah?

 

Tosst Oh, look Carrion; I left the window open.

 

              Carrion is confused; he panics and bursts into tears.There is no window; it's invisible.  

 

Goba I’m outta here! Freedom! I can be…

 

             Goba escapes by falling through a pretend window.

 

Tosst What a sucker! (Tosst closes the window.)  Should we have the walls repaired? They’re a bit thin.  Now Carrion, you are now Goba: a vile inmate and shit-eater? How is that?

 

Carrion Brilliant! I can get into my part a bit more now! My name’s odd! It’s weird how things go, isn’t it?

 

Tosst YES! Yes, you’re weird. You indie kids think you’re so cool, but you’re…actually, I do find your  generation cool. They’re easy lays.

 

        Security guards enter, led by Poval. He is the chief of security and wears an army helmet.

 

Poval Sir, where do you want us to take the patient?

 

Tosst See that Mr. Carrion - I mean Goba - is escorted to the Jacuzzi. Make sure everything is right  for him and you’ll be rewarded!

 

Poval Bigger pay cheques?

 

Tosst No! Greedy fools! No, what I’ll do is this: I won’t tell when you sick guards interfere with the patients. (Pause. The Guards are uncomfortable.) I know what you guys do; you’re dodgy and, ultimately,  not trustworthy. Welcome to the perfect haven from all those former ideas about you! .You’ll work for me as -

 

Poval Yeah, we don’t care. It’s nice in here. Better then out there. Just don’t spoil it. We never say a word about malpractice anyway. We’re too busy screwing around. No, just kidding, doc. (Winks; Tosst smiles.) We fill out the odd form.

 

Carrion Come on, come on, come on -

 

Poval Oh, goody! He wants us! Let’s rush him!

 

      The excitable security guards take Carrion away, stripping him as they carry him.

 

Tosst (ripping up a hidden camera from the floor; speaks into it.) Ah, I get very sad when a patient gets their first rushing by the guards. But my army will defend. I hope Poval checks for hidden cameras in the anal crevice. We cannot be discovered! I’m sure he’ll check there anyway.

 

Scene 6. Emptiness, for the moment. Wede, looking deadened, is in a chair. Voices ask her questions.

 

Wede Look, I can’t take -

 

Voice 1 Answer the question properly. What drove you mad?

 

Wede I don’t know, maybe it's people doing that boring theatrical talky thing. It's very middle-class, isn't it? 

 

Voice 2 That’s rubbish! You must think of something better than that!

 

Wede Humans! They drive me mad! Like you lot are now! (Pause.) Can I smoke?

 

Voice 3 Would you like to have a penis?

 

Wede I’m not fussed at the moment. Can I -

 

Voice 2 You look like shit. They botched the op, didn’t they? Do you take shit?

 

Wede (breaking down.) I can’t take this - I want to break free!

 

Voice 3 Cliché-warning! That’s a song and you hate humans, huh? You human?

 

Wede No. Not anymore.

 

All Voices (in unison.)You’re a liar, we hate liars! UMMMMMMM, LIESSSSSSSS!

 

Poval enters with invisible written all over his clothes; he tries to rape Weder. She screams.

 

Wede There is something in here, in me! There really is!

 

House lights up to reveal a conference room: Bohl enters. Poval does up his trousers and exits, quickly.

 

Wede Wow, that was an interesting exercise. I think I’m cured now - that’s wicked, Dr. Really brought my confidence up. I think I’ll go to India and Ethiopia to see starvation, so I can find myself! Then I’ll be one with the world. 

 

Bohl No, Wede, you’re still being too blunt. Remember: you say that those starving people help you to find yourself. Don’t worry; only words. A war of bullshit. Read this (Hands her little red book.) It’s not mine I just thought it looked cool if I passed it to you and said nothing -

 

Wede I didn’t get a word of that. I can’t read.

 

Bohl Well, you have no ears, and have parts of your brain missing. They did botch it, didn’t they?

 

Wede It was you, sir.

 

Bohl (snatching the book back and ripping up the book, sticking the pages in his mouth, chomping.)Me, eh? I would have remembered something like that. This is a terrible situation to be in!  

 

Wede You’re idea, sir? The one you were going to tell me earlier, but, as usual, you digressed?

 

Bohl I forgot. Did you know it?

 

Wede No, you said nothing.

 

Bohl Telepathic now? How did that happen? You’re a phenomena. Too much brain power is bad, you know. You’ll never do anything.

 

Wede What was the point of this exercise?

 

Bohl (pause.) They - that’s Tosst and Carrion - think you’re a spy and they want you to own up to being one. You’re an investigative reporter, aren’t you? AREN’T YOU, GODDAMIT! I WANT THE STUFF, WHICH IS NEARLY TRUE, BUT NOT TOO FALSE!

 

We see a reporter - Ed Stern-  snooping in the background taking pictures and filming with a  viewcam. He is a very clumsy snooper and makes a lot of noise. Bohl and Wede ignore him.

 

Bohl Sorry about the background noise, but this is bad place to gas.

 

Wede You asking me out?

 

Bohl Canteen, say seven-thirty?

 

Wede I’ll be more than that, but I’ll see you later. About nine ?

 

Bohl Okay, that’s better. Sorry, about shouting off and going off on one. It’s what I do, if you, er, yeah.

 

Wede That’s cool. Shall we pose for that mad photographer - must be a publicist for this place - just over there?

 

Bohl. Good idea! Tosst will be pleased. Let’s capture the moment!

 

They pose for Ed Stern, as he takes the photographs of them in cheapo-porno poses.

 

Scene 7: Laboratory. Bohl enters and starts to trash all the equipment. There is the sound of thunder and lightning. The lights flicker, as the electrical storm gathers momentum. Sparks fly around the lab. Tosst enters and turns on  the light switch. There is bang. Then a siren is heard and a blue, emergency UV, light comes on. Bohl is crying, slumped in the debris of the lab.

 

Tosst (shocked.) What the fuck is going on, dear boy?

 

Bohl I don’t know, but I think we’ve been rumbled! They want to smear our name! Haven’t you seen the news?

 

Tosst No, I don’t pay attention to such absurdities.

 

Bohl The one that got away was a powerful person in disguise. He has no brain, but he was clever. I didn’t know they could make them like that now. (Pause, as Bohl gets his breath back.) They know about our malpractice.

 

Tosst This will cause a revolution! The ranks will call us wankers. We’ll be done for. Activate the escape pods!

 

Bohl They called us mental patients!

 

Tosst Well, that’s…Er...I'm trying to find the right word her…Still can’t think of one…I guess Crazy will do!

 

Bohl Don’t start that up again! Wait a minute: what escape pods?

 

Tosst The ones that help us to escape! This isn't some prissy BBC three-part puzzler. The budget allows for whatever you want. We're on a space ship, aren't we? 

 

Bohl I worry about you at times. Our reputation is on the line here! My degree I bought off you was a good one - I don’t want to see it wasted!

 

Tosst Well, it didn’t cost much did it?

 

Bohl That’s not the point - it’s the principle! You never even gave me a loyalty card! Let’s think: how can we preserve this better - more paternalistic - society we have formed in a mental home?

 

Tosst By not telling anyone!

 

Bohl That’s the problem: someone already knows! Shit, I have to go. I have a date tonight.

 

Tosst Anywhere nice? I hear the canteen is very good. About nine.

 

Bohl Yes, that’s where I’m taking her. You seem to know everything.

 

Tosst Ah, just a guess that you’re dating a real mental patient.

 

Bohl Yes and no. It’s complex. She’s mad, but I think she could be a spy.

 

Tosst You mean the journalist? Have you quizzed her?

 

Bohl Yes, but I think she is playing with me.

 

Tosst So she’s a player too? Well, I suppose every little bit helps, but try to roll her back. You know, like on TV and Korea. Were you there? Poval was. Has Poval interfered with her yet? get him in there - we'll all want the footage.

 

Bohl. No footage to my knowledge, so Poval could've done anything. But she came in with the powerful one: that Goba. We botched the experiments, remember?

 

Tosst Goba? Goba? That name rings a bell! He’s still here!

 

Bohl Is he?

 

Tosst Yes, he’s one of my best clients. Financed the jacuzzi, the nuclear power and got me a pre-owned copy of Nu-Clear Sounds; and the decks, can't forget about those old things with the antique Maplins mixers, can I? Amongst other things, favours, sweet nothings. Look, if this mental patient - what’s her name?

 

Bohl Number forty-six. Why did you assume it was a woman? 

 

Tosst Because it’s the norm! They can't handle the programming.  Look, I’m being straight here: if she’s not real then kick her out. I have some rich kids waiting to get in. They’re sick of the celebrity circuit - that means daddy can’t get them a good job in marketing, media, porn, or whatever - and they want to live here! It’s the subsidised haven for life, you see. It’s the perfect utopia! Not that I’m saying this is a utopia. That would be -

 

Bohl Do you want me to show them around,as I’m the attractive doctor?

 

Tosst. No, I was going to leave that to Doctor Carrion. He’s good, you know. Just like the guy off ER - I mean: Casualty. Very nimble with the vivisection machine.

 

Bohl. Oh. I see. So that’s the new doctor, eh? You love him more?

 

Tosst. Why yes, of course! He’s paying me and I’m paying you! You see, you’re not paying anyone yet. You’re nothing. If you don’t buck up, Bohl, you're out of utopia! So, buck up and be your own boss. It's capitalism boyo! That’s what my daddy said. And he was bankrupt! I couldn't get a shit sandwich free at the point of entry. 

 

Bohl. Well, this is pretty good, I suppose. I won't freak out too much. We have to watch ourselves. War needs to be avoided - and won, slowly - if I may speak for popular and unpopular opinion.  So it could be close.

 

Tosst I’m not doing the whole repetition thing with you, Bohl. Buck up or get out. And if you don’t sort out the journalist, you’re out anyway. Okay?

 

Bohl (taking out a bag of nuts.) Nuts, doctor?

 

            Tosst snatches the bag and throws them in the air. Bohl and Tosst then frantically grab at the nuts.

 

Tosst That was a bit nutty. I know, I couldn't resist it, but at least we're getting down to it. I find it quite romantic actually cleaning up the nuts with my nuts rubbing the floor. It's like the old days.

 

Bohl It is. I'm sorry, I'll sort it out.

 

Tosst Good. You can have my nuts when you've finished with these.

 

Bohl Thanks sir.

 

            Bohl thinks about it, throwing the nuts at Tosst.

 

Scene 8: TV: a  TV reporter is discussing today’s events; Goba sits, spinning in a swivel chair, going 'weee'

 

TV Reporter Everyone is going mad. It's a crazy world, I've just watched twelve hours of z-list celebrities going to toilet on a reality show. By the way, theere's a famine somewhere too. A real mad world isn't it? But isn’t that normal? It must be now! In the sixties everyone was reading counter-culture piffle, stuff like Freud, and taking dodgy drugs. They listened to dodgy music and watched dodgy films. But it hasn’t got any better - at least they knew they were kind of cool. Now we’re bland. I’m here, with President Goba, to talk about how he will reform the mental laws - and redefine society aswell - in this country, and all over the world

 

Goba Well, I’m going to close them all down. That’s the only way. I’m starting with the evil colony of Stotto Island. It’s part of this evil thing that’ so evil I can’t explain it.

 

TV Reporter But isn’t that crazy?

 

Goba No, we’ll put mad people in prison. Or kill them. How about we kill them in prison? We can islands into prisons, think of all the effiency savings!

 

TV Reporter How do you attempt to implement that?

 

Goba By making the country into one big prison, you silly posho journalist! It’ll keep out normality and only contain the madness. Therefore, we shall never hurt anyone else again; only ourselves.

 

TV Reporter So you won’t interfere with other countries?

 

Goba Yes, we will, we just won’t tell the public about it.

 

TV Reporter You just have!

 

Goba They had an idea, anyway. We know they're stupid, but they're not that stupid! I’m a democratic liar! I tell you this fact: it was only a week ago I was kidnapped and forced into a mental institution. They took out pieces of my brain and made me wear odd clothes. I was then interfered with, but I liked that bit. So I won't go on too much!

 

TV Reporter Yes indeed, we wouldn't want to offend anybody! On a more serious note: I  heard it was to combat your alcohol problem. Is this true? 

 

Goba Maybe, but that’s classified. So it could be false, but I want to tell the truth, so it isn’t. (Coughs.) Maybe.

 

TV Reporter I take it your wife’s still in there? At this Stotto Island asylum.

 

Goba Yeah and she can stay there. I just want the public to be generally aware of mad people. They’re everywhere and we will get them all! They’re Crazies! And we will hunt out this ‘premiership of evil’ in the interests of everyone. Who love peace that is. And the odd war, when things get boring.  

 

TV Reporter Well, that’s interesting. I’m about to go into therapy, and I really want to get out of this SHIT JOB! I want to be a real journalist and do something!

 

Goba See, even he’s mad and he’s wearing a hair-piece! (Scuffles with the TV reporter in a bid to get the hair-piece off the TV Reporter's head.) It could happen to your viewers! If you have any, of course. Tell them, go on, tell them that it could happen to them!

 

TV Reporter Don’t plug the lottery just yet! NOOOOOOOOOO! It’s on after this! Are you taking bribes!

 

Goba Aren’t we all?

 

TV Reporter So, let’s clarify! Leave my fucking hair alone! 

 

Goba Answer the question! I SAID: ANSWER THE FUCKING QUESTION!

 

TV Reporter I apologise for the language used there; that was unnecessary and the President will apologise.

 

Goba(smiles.)We know that there are just lots of mad people out there!(Flashes images in the background of drunken louts- hooligans- rioting and pissing, then mug shots of Bohl and Tosst.) And  we need to stop this! All the sane people are going to Stotto island mental home, so they can dodge their former responsibilities! I know this is odd, but I’ve been there and I don’t like what I’ve seen. I saw a lot: Jacuzzi’s, massage parlours; they give your narcotics - free of charge. There is a tab behind the bar and you get a lovely room, with a four poster bed. It’s quite nice, but the mini bar sucks! And it’s tofu on Fridays! I wanted Kentucky Fried.

 

The TV reporter runs out, dropping the microphone. The camera swings, hitting the floor. The light fades.

 

Goba. (in darkness.) Hello? Hello? I take it that’s the end of the interview? Am I that boring? Just because it’s political. I knew I should’ve launched my campaign song. I can sing. (Sings) Freeeeeeee as a bird, doo-bee-doo - Freeeeeeeeeeeeee....I forgot the rest...shit. Dying out here, fuckin' tough.

 

 

Scene 9: Poval enters. His security guards are lined up at the back. In walks Val Cosis, Kitty Rexia and Ed Stern, who is followed by a TV Camera man.

 

Poval Okay, fuckies, this is your living heaven! You’re going to get pampered and your whims will be granted. You just have to pay a contributory fee, as marked in the information packs and you will be submitted. If you want anything just ask our dishy doctor and cool dude, Doctor Carrion. He has all the answers to the questions, except to the questions he doesn’t know about. Any questions? (Pause.) Any answers? 

 

Val Yeah, as I’m a rock star who is sick of the music business can I still make records?

 

Poval Look, do I look like a doctor?

 

Carrion enters.

 

Carrion Hello cuties! Oh, it’s the tv reporter Ed Stern and two non-entities! How I really want to know! Tell me everything!  (To Poval.) have their cheques cleared?

 

Poval Yeah, they paid in cash! And in blood. We always need blood. And organs. 

 

Carrion Oh, I know you all! You’re great people! Welcome to Stotto Island - the place to cop out of society, if you’re rich enough to.

 

Kitty My daddy is paying for me. I’m a supermodel, you see. I have a cocaine problem.

 

Carrion That’s always the way: coke at a young age, that’s what I blame. What is the exact problem?

 

Kitty Well, apart from ravaging my good looks, I can’t afford to look good.

 

Carrion I see. Awful out there - paying for coke. Awful. Money shouldn’t be a barrier, even if you have it. Don’t worry, cutie, in here it’s free. But there is a limit to how much you can do. You can’t go too crazy.

 

Kitty But I thought this was a mental home?

 

Carrion It is, but it’s more like a life-long care home. We want to eradicate craziness! You can still do the normal things and leave to visit people. It’s great, isn’t it?

 

Val Why have security then?

 

Carrion To intimidate you. Oh, and they are all convicted perverts. They'll pester you for fun. It gives us something to analyse.

 

Val What? You mean, they pleasure us?

 

Carrion Yes, what else. If you say anything you get the shit kicked out of you and no talking to the press.

 

Ed Stern Can I film in here?

 

Carrion No, of course not! If you live here you can’t do that. Not unless you have a deal with a company and you want to do something on me or the great Dr. Tosst - who invented this cure. I’m merely one of his disciples.

 

 Ed Stern Can we do an interview then?

 

Carrion Sure, I’ll speak to you later. Poval, take them to there room and see if they want anything. I’m sure you and your people will provide. 

 

Poval (excited.) Oh, I see, sir! Very good. Come on boys, let’s escort them!

 

The guards grab them and march them off, fondling them and touching them. Carrion laughs to himself, breaks a clipboard,  and exits.

 

Scene 10: Canteen. Bohl enters. He sits alone, then Wede enters.

She finishes her plate of shit. She then breathes over Bohl, who coughs, almost retching. 

   

Wede: Hello, Bohl. You know they’re going to get you?

 

Bohl: No. I don’t. Shall we eat something?

 

Wede: No. The food's shit.

 

Bohl laughs, hysterically. Then vomits. He picks at his vomit, nibbling at it.

 

Wede What? It’s just an opinion. Not hungry anyway. I’m a cheap date tonight! I’m not fussy, just use to a higher class of food. I try to avoid classes, but I like good food.

 

Bohl I don’t watch it. Only the News. Realism amuses me.

 

Wede That’s because you’re dying, aren’t you?

 

Bohl Yeah, I suppose. Wait: was that the bit that  was meant to get me all depressed and say: aren’t we all dead? I’m just really depressed. How could I forget that.

 

Wede I don’t know.

 

Long Pause. Bohl laughs

 

Wede The inspectors are about. They’re everywhere, aren’t they?

 

Bohl I know you are, but what am I?

 

Wede I don’t know, but let’s bond. I like you. 

 

They wrestle; Wede tears Bohl’s shirt open, buttons popping onto the ground. Bohl tries to give her a Chinese burn , but gets dragged along the floor by Wede. Poval enters, with two other guards. He drags them apart. He wears khaki. The other Guards, standing behind Poval, are wearing gimp masks. They take them off quickly, before Poval notices. They put the gimp masks on Wede and Bohl.

 

Bohl What is going on, Poval! We’re bonding! It was not a canteen brawl. Everyone is in the sauna or the gym. They may be in the new Carrion Centre, with the cinema and electric blankets. Come on, it’s a fair cop, let us off, guv!

 

Poval No, I’m on a diplomatic mission. We have to prove we actually have mental patients in here. We’re representing the UN. We’re mad people inspectors. We have some extra money and they gave us stickers.

 

Wede My husband is behind this, I’m sure.

 

Poval You two patients shouldn’t fight!

 

Bohl Patients! I’m not a patient! I’m a doctor…Oh,  I get it - very funny, Security-dude! That’s good. Is this a joke? Like them barmy gags. Oh, I think I’ve seen this joke.(Poval and the guards look at him, as if he is mad.)  It’s been done before on TV, where the patient is the shrink and the shrink becomes the patient! I think I have seen it. I can’t think of the name of the film. That’s doing my head in now! 

 

Poval Come on, Eileen. Back to the cells. You two need to be tested on. Carrion’s orders!

 

Bohl Why I knew it! That blasted new Doctor, with his money and his status!  He took everything! Did You call me Eileen? 

 

Wede I think it had Grodin in too. That angry guy from the large dog movie.

 

Poval Let’s go! Stop lagging!  We have to write all  this down afterwards in our reports. We will then have to learn to write, then write it down. But I can’t remember / what is happening now! 

 

Bohl WHAT’S THE NAME OF THIS FILM WITH THE MAD GUY FROM THE  BIG DOG MOVIES!  It slobbers, like this (He slobbers and spits at the guards through the masks.) And it growls, like this (He growls and tries to bite the guards. They scream and giggle like children, even more so as Bohl tries to urinate, like a dog over them. Bohl cocks his leg up, but Poval then punches Bohl. Bohl shakes like a dog, just out of some water. He has wet himself. With a mouth full of blood, Bohl tries to retort.)  I would say ‘ouch’ or something witty, but -

 

Bohl’s s mouth zip - on the gimp mask he wears - is zipped up by Poval. He tries to mumble through it, but he gets angry. Bohl growls again.

 

Poval Leave me alone with them! No, take him away.  He needs his rabies jab and a good shooting. I’ll zip up the woman. (Wipes some saliva away from his mouth onto the back of  his hand.) She’s trouble. I hate ruffians. They’re always loitering on the stairs. (The guards laugh  and drag Bohl away. Bohl struggles, but they beat him up to silence him.) Getting wasted, Eileen! Bloody lefties. Only want a bob or two extra, don’t you? You’ll do anything for it. How about I’ll strike you hard!

 

Poval approaches Wede and takes off the gimp mask. He goes to hit her, but he kisses her. Wede looks shocked. There is pause. She strokes Poval’s face. Intrigued for a beat or so. She then lunges onto him and starts to tear at his uniform. Poval and Wede kiss passionately, but they break off. Wede starts to cry, and Poval goes to beat her. He then hugs her and they start to kiss again and this develops into Poval trying to force his hands down Wede’s trousers. He then gets his hands caught and cannot undo her belt. He cries in pain, as Wede  twists in delirious contortions, still kissing Poval, who, obviously, does not want to ruin ‘the moment’. But his hand is hurting and he tries to get it back, but cannot. Then a siren sounds. We hear the slamming of doors. Lots of doors, then metal shutters. Then the power goes, fading - creating temporary darkness - then coming back, slowly. For a beat, the light strobes then coming back  to illuminate. Poval has his hand on Wede’s breasts and another hand trapped down her trousers. He hugs up to her breast, as if he were a child. This is done just as Tosst enters. He enters with Carrion and Flore. Flore starts to dust the floor with a gimp mask. Poval panics, trying to hide under the flimsy table, but Wede is insatiable. She keeps trying to kiss him, but his hand is in immense pain. They make too much noise, but the Doctors are oblivious, as is Flore. 

 

Tosst You know, that I will strike this thing down. I’m not scared by this president guy. What does he do? Another tin-pot dictator. They’re all thugs you know. They’ll sell some top-notch heroin one minute then say it’s poisoned the next. Then charge you for the cure, then bomb you once you’ve been cured. That is why we must protect this haven.

 

Carrion I always thought Bohl was a spy. We have a patient - quite amusingly, if I may say so - pretending to be doctor Bohl. We keep telling the subject that he doesn’t exist, but I always knew he was really a spy. It’s a more logical explanation. That’s why they're attacking us. It’s a good thing we installed those defence installations. Here’s another cheque! 

 

Tosst Thanks. I quite agree with everything you say. Let them try to bash their way through, but we’re not budging. If not, we’ll go underground.

 

Carrion That might be hard to do so.

 

Tosst Not when it's on strike?

 

Carrion Well, it just a -

 

Tosst Lazy architects. We paid them to design a future scape. (Poval screams in pain, as he tries to get his hand free form Wede’s trousers. He starts to bite her zip.) We’re did they go?

 

Carrion  They didn’t go underground, but they detoured into the newly created Dr. Bohl Spiritualisation centre. They are the first, to fully appreciate the ward. They get massages, by Jinni, the Chinese girl. I think she’s a Buddhist, but that doesn’t matter these days, does it? Well, I don’t want to know; it’s up to her, but she’s sweet. Rich Daddy. And Mummy, of course.  She looks like the Dalai Lama. Which is cute and one of the main reasons why I hired her.

 

Tosst(hugging Flore.)Flore? My wife?

 

Carrion I thought she was to be my wife?

 

Tosst But you have all your spiritual bitches and all that.

 

Carrion So I have. I’m sorry Mrs. Tosst. I’ll never confuse you with one of my zen bitches ever again. You’re too well trained and of a fine breeding to be like one of them.

 

Flore I feel lighted- headed. Did you spike me?

 

Carrion I think the people here are unclassified lifeforms. I can sense it - I feel them; I feel it all around me. (Touches Poval’s anus, then Wede’s. Wede goes mad, kissing Poval to the point of suffocation. He bangs the floor in  desperation.) Maybe I’m getting paranoid. I don’t want to be like them out there.

 

Tosst You shouldn’t drink so much.

 

Flore  I'm teetotal, I don’t get it?

 

Tosst What?

 

Flore What?

 

Tosst No, that’s what I said. Don’t start that. I'm on way too much and I have to cut down on all my thinking. Flore, what a great idea! We’ll put a panto on in here, if it’ll shut you up. But I can’t guarantee any real celebrities; maybe ones people have forgotten about. I'll trawl daytime TV as well as all those trendy bars and clubs. We do have a lot of  rich kids though. Bankers' daughters that go and crack the USA. They are in the Bohl Centre.

 

Flore Bohl? He was -

 

Tosst Really? How interesting. Lie on this table. Let me examine you. Off the record, of course!

 

Carrion I’m going to secure the specimen who thinks he is the spy known as Bohl.

 

Carrion exits. We hear explosions from outside. There are pieces of shrapnel and debris, which falls like snow onto the canteen.  Most of it is plasterboard and useless, tacky, wallpaper. The power crackles, the lights dimming. We then hear some coins drop; the lights and the power come back on.

 

Tosst Damn these inconveniences, like war and peace. I’ll never get through it! My poor love! Just when I was creating something of immense power, it comes crashing down.

 

Flore Bohl. I don’t know where I am!

 

Tosst You’re not Bohl. Look, I’m…(Sees Poval and Wede.) Amazing. Two mutated specimens!

 

Poval Er, Doc, I can’t explain, but I really was meant to knock off in an hour anyway, so I’ll just be going?

 

Tosst NO. You are a scientific miracle! You’ve grown! You’ve evolved, while in the haven known as Stotto island! We have naturally formed a new type of human.  A NEW TYPE OF HUMAN, UNIQUE TO THE ENVIRONEMNT OF STOTTO ISLAND! I’M A PIONEER! I always knew I was great, so I told myself! But I never had illusions of grandeur. Which I thought was a great move. Who’s you’re father? An aging rocker or a movie star? This could be beneficial to our careers all round. Well, mine! We’ll do a TV movie of course. Not one of those over-hyped things, but something where Robson Green plays me.

 

Poval (Wede is still trying to kiss him to death. He starts to punch her, but she is too strong for him.) No, get off, vile...! I mean, Dr, Tosst! Oh, emperor! , please, believe me when I say that I’m not a mutant! I -

 

Tosst (caressing Poval)  Dear boy, you are no mutant, but a creation of a higher order. You will save us!

Let me see your powers. Unleash yourself, expose your form to me!

 

Poval I have none, honest, you’re misunderstood.

 

Tosst I’m never wrong. Get on the table. (Takes out a bottle of pills; a Haribo wrapper falls to the ground from his pocket.) Here take this: it’s a small amount of a drug called…I can’t pronounce the name, but it’s a drug. Kids and grown ups love it...It’s a good one. If you use it right. (Reads pill bottle. He breaks open the bottle. The child lock is tough. From on the floor he puts pills slowly into Poval’s mouth. Poval becomes drugged almost instantly, but Tosst still puts pills into his mouth. Poval is now unconscious. His hand is limp in Wede’s trousers, but he slumps, Wede still  kisses him. She does so and hugs him, squeezing him tight. Tosst takes out a stethoscope and puts it to Wede’s head and makes humming noises.) I said on the table! You’re slumping. Watch the shit! I insist, mutant! You must be examined. I should call Carrion, but he’s young and he wants to pay off his debts, so he’ll take all the credit. Where as I’m old and I have to pay off other peoples' debts. I need all the credit I can get!  I’ll call this next project: Humanity, the second coming. You, are it! (Kisses Poval, but is pushed out of the way by Wede.) I’ll use test subjects! I need someone who has no-brain and is basically a zombie, living in the past. Flore? Are you asleep?

 

Flore I don’t know.

 

Tosst (picking up a jar off another table and inspecting a morass of blood and tissue within the jar.) That was your brain, but we need to find out whether your time in Stotto island has been…evolutionary. You know, we have a new race. Look, Flore, even faithful Bohl could not conjure this up. If you love me, you’ll let me cut you up? Yes?

 

Flore I don’t know.

 

Tosst I made a bit of mess in there, but it was for your own good. I don’t think aspirin can solve it. Let me make amends by cutting you up?

 

Flore You killed Bohl! My love! You killed it. He really cared, didn’t he? That’s what killed him. He was no sex mad doctor. He was a true professional, who fell in love with colleagues rather than patients.

 

Tosst Oh, do shut up. The sexual harassment was endemic. You have nothing left -

 

Flore Apart from my revenge! REVENGE!

 

Flore jumps at Tosst, who drops the brain-jar and it smashes. Tosst screams, as does Wede, who tries to move closer to Tosst, to ensnare him, but struggles to move with Poval’s hand still rammed down her trousers. But sirens wail and the Guards enter. They run around, causing havoc, as we hear doors slam and screaming. We see Poval’s guards being dragged about by these people. Tosst is being strangled by Flore. Carrion enters, with a briefcase - full of money - struggling to carry such a huge amount of cash; much of the money falls out. Carrion is also dragging Bohl. Bohl wears a children's halloween mask of the devil, instead of the Gimp mask. Carrion approaches Tosst, not helping him break free from Flore. The explosions continue, as does the debris continue to fall from above. 

 

Carrion (calmly.) They’ve destroyed the alternative! You better get the pods ready. The guards have been vanquished!

 

Tosst Have the guards escaped?

 

Carrion No, not yet. But the insane are trying to get in. It’s madness. We can’t allow this. I’ve captured one who tried to get away. He’s claiming to be Bohl.

 

Tosst Bohl’s a spy. And he’s dead. If he’s not, then he’s alive.

 

Carrion: I know, but he says things; they've got out of hand. I think you have something in your eye.

 

Tosst Get it out! (Carrion hooks it out, but pokes Tosst in the eye. Tosst screams in pain.) Thanks doctor. You really are a...is that a case of money?

 

Carrion Yes. For our trust fund? For the kids?  Well, maybe not. For me. That’s predictable enough for you, isn’t it.?

 

We hear the loudest explosion then:

 

Goba (voice off; through a megaphone.)  Tosst, and company! We know you are in there. You’re island will be bombed heavier than the last place we bombed; my fire is friendly for now. Evacuate all or I’ll send in nukes. I know you have bunkers and secret tunnels. But we’ll send in the gas. We have you covered. Give up and let the people out. We’re closing you down..

 

The people go mad: we see Ed Stern, the TV reporter, Val, Kitty and guards running around screaming, as they try to break out. Carrion tries to hold them down.

 

Carrion (panics.) They’re only jealous because this was working. Unlike out there!

 

Tosst We must get a- w-a-y.

 

Carrion You having breathing trouble there? Where’s the Vicks?

 

Wede grabs Carrion and tries to kiss him. Carrion is scared by this.

 

Carrion My word Tosst! What have you created there? That looks hideous. Where are the masks? We must conceal all. They’ll do us for war crimes. Some phoney ethical thing! It’s all on paper, but all up in the air, at the same time. They think we’re daft. They’ll make a complex ethical issue simple and then we’ll be done for. (He takes some masks off the Guards: they are of Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden. He puts them on Wede and Poval.) There - that will cover them up. They’ll be anonymous. They were never associated with us. And remember, I was never here. Where were those pod things?

 

Tosst (strangling himself.)Help me! I’m getting k-i-l-l-e-d.

 

Carrion Survival of the fittest I’m afraid. I have to enforce it. It’s the law out there, which has now come into here. Sorry. I would but all for one and…yeah. Sorry to disappoint you.  

 

Carrion grabs Bohl and throws him next to Wede. Wede then starts passionately kissing Bohl, and gropes him; but is restrained further by Poval’s unconscious lumbering weight, with his hand still stuck down her trousers.

 

Tosst But we created a new race! We were being evolutionary and they ruined. Because they wanted a cut of the profits. Goba’s going to turn this country into a larger, harsher,  Stotto island!

 

 Debris falls on Carrion, who falls onto the table with Bohl, Wede and Poval. Carrion screams, as    the table collapse. There are more explosions, and we see Tosst being killed  by Flore.

 

Tosst Oh, burn then! See, if I care. I only wanted to give it a -

 

Tosst is strangled by Flore and is thrown into the darkness off stage. Smoke fills the canteen, but this is also poison gas; it changes colour, from green to pink, to a strange colour. We see many of the celebrity guests fall down, having seizures, as do the "mad" people. Some are oblivious to the gas. Flore is fine .

 

Flore I love the smell of almonds in the evening. The bitterness reminds of some terrible place. But I can’t remember. Maybe it’s better that way.

 

We hear the sound  of choppers and planes, which mix with the sounds of someone on a pogo-stick. Then random gunfire, which is dispersed but sounds cartoonish; the sounds mix, getting to Flore, who smacks her head, pulling out her gas mask, staring at it, then stares ahead, into nothing.

Another Rebel Conveyor

Another Rebel Conveyor  by Colin Peterson and George O'Sullivan

 

Dramatis Personae.

 

Man 1 a.k.a. Rebby RJB. A Rebel. A self-contained ideologue in a world without ideology

Scrut.                   A dull bureaucratic jobsworth.

Domian Police Officer.  A dull jobsworth  but a kind one.

Mayor of Domia.        A dull jobsworth. A total mess.

VC.                     The last soldier of Domia. A dull husk of another time.

Old Man                A dull husk, but has the odd witty remark to impart.

Dr.                      A dull Dr.

Reveller 1.              A dull Reveller

Reveller2.               Another dull Reveller

News Reporter Announcer/ A Suited Man  A dull journalist and nameless suit.

Angry Mob/People. et al.                  They can be puppets, of course!

 

Location: a mysterious "utopian" settlement.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Scene 1: Street: Dusk.

[A Man, known for the moment as Man1, walks around in wonder.]

 

Man 1: So this is a utopia -- wow, very good. Right, I think I’m lost, yes, I am. [Takes a map out of his pocket.] Hello, utopia-people? Can you help me? [The street is quiet. The man opens a beer and guzzles it all.]  I needed that. Bloody hell, I thought people were meant to be perfect in utopia? Hello, I want to get back to Surbiton! Hello? What is going on? [A Police Officer - P.O. - enters.] Hello, I was just got a little lost, Officer, and I can’t find the exit, I mean, the map says I’m in a utopian settlement?

 

Police Officer: Yep. This is a utopia known as Domia -- it is not a pizza or a sauce -- but a place, a hidden settlement. But no one gets lost here. You must know someone. Don’t worry, stranger, you will not be turned away! I am a uniformed public servant -- the only one here, I think -- so I will take good care of you! Let's make tea and take copious amounts of recreational drugs!

 

Man1: Bollocks to that! You're trying to trap me? As if you would take care of me! I know this is perfection, but come on, even perfection has to have class! Everyone knows the filth are dodgy as fuck!

 

PO: No, don’t be mistaken -- this is a perfect society! We are, of course, not perfect, but at least we can compromise and get on. So, therefore, we are just classified as ‘a lot better than the past’. So we call this: Better Than Before. B.F.B., just to clarify. Was that too much info at once -- shall I slow down. You know I've got a M.A.? I do use MA too. Don’t use the post-grad though. Worthless, isn’t it? Maybe, you could read the relevant literature? I wouldn’t mind if you just read all of Marx’s writings!

 

Man1: Hah! I’m a Marxist! I’ve never read all of his stuff, so bloody long. Sorry for the pessimism, mate, but I don’t believe that shit, if you ‘scuse my French! 

 

PO: No, I don’t mind. French isn’t that bad; it's too French for me, though. Look, as you’re lost, why don’t you stay at my place. It is quite cosy and my missus makes a nice brew! Heroin tea? It is a delicacy after all! 

 

Man1: No, no! I need a clear revolutionary mind. I’m a rebel, my name is Rebby RJB -- please to meet you! I’m sorry, even though that is very nice of you to offer, I cannot take it! Not because of pride, but because when the revolution happens, I must lead it. Look, I will try not to kill you -- only if the majority rule dictates likewise, of course! I think I shall sleep on the street tonight, it looks comfy.

 

PO: Okay. Only if you are sure you want to. Let me give you my address -- just in case you change your mind -- it has been known to happen! You know-cold street or warm place to kip -- not a hard choice

 

Rebby: What? You think I’m predictable and go back to yours -- don’t be silly! You only want me back at the cop-shop so you can interrogate me! Do I look stupid?

 

PO: Well yeah! It’s only a ploy-so I can find out more about you! You may be a stranger, but I would like to find out about your previous culture! I’m curious.

 

Rebby: You don’t want to know about it! Can you go on the dole here?

 

PO: Well, no! The dole was abolished, but everyone has a social contract, in which people are rewarded by society. It’s very simple -- maybe a bit too simple! People work and society gives, but  you have worked for it -- thus it makes society work. Capitalism is dead here; it has been for a while, but of course you don’t know that! 

 

Rebby: Thank you, but I will sleep here, on the street. Don’t worry, I'm on street level.

 

PO: Don’t be silly, it’s getting dark and it will get cold soon; honest I’m not joking with you! Do I look like a salesman?

 

Rebby: Hey! I wanted to be a salesman when I was a kid, they scare me now. But I was brainwashed. These days I think everyone might be selling themselves!

 

[Rebby The Rebel beds down. The Police Officer, somewhat perplexed, exits scratching his head like a good stereotype, after lighting a suspiciously large cigarette.]

 

Scene 2: An Office: Night.

[The Rebel is seated in an office waiting. Police Officer [PO] enters with a woman.]

 

Rebby: What is all this about! I mean, come on, at least explain, you are acting like the KGB!

 

PO: The what?

 

Rebby: Don’t worry!

 

PO: This is Miss Scrut. She'll be your advisor on the ways of Domia-not Dolmio! I know you pop cultured louts too well! So don’t insult our lovely settlement!

 

Rebby: I wasn’t going to say that Mr. Stereotype! I was inquiring to what name utopia had been given because it is always referred to as utopia. Dull utopia -- everything’s rosy in the garden, eh? I didn’t know they had pasta sauce sponsorship in utopia!

 

Scrut: That’s Domia, idiot! [To PO.] Ooh’s he is going to be a handful!

 

Rebby: Yeah, whatever-there is no human utopia! Only drugs can create that!

 

Scrut: I see officer there is some work to be done here! Look, we try to help everyone-that includes strangers! How did you get here? Please cooperate! [Scrut loses her temper.] COOPERATE!

 

[The Rebel is pulling funny faces and generally being unhelpful. The rebel is quite aggressive.]

 

PO:  [To Scrut.]Calm down-you can’t force the rebel. I think this odd person got hereby some sort of ‘Planet of the Apes’ thing! It’s possible-anything is today! [Points at Scrut in an authoritative manner.] So don’t fall in love with him!  [PO holds his ear, to listen to instructions given to him via the standard issue ear piece]

Oh, I have just been told not to say that as it gives away part of the story! [To the audience:] You weren’t listening to that bit were you?

 

Scrut: No, of course they were not-look at this rebel, he is being juvenile! 

 

Rebby: No, that is freedom! If I want to be juvenile then I can be-that is my choice! Oh, you and your perfect ways! Always judging, because you know paradoxically that your all wrong, and you will never be perfect!

 

Scrut: You seem to have a typically pessimistic view of successful societies. As you have never lived in one, you are looking at this fact that we are trying to be perfect; when history has shown us that humans are far from perfect. But if you make life more simplistic then, maybe, we could become more peaceful. For instance, if everyone can work together and gets equally fair rewards for the work they put into society, then --

 

Rebby: You’re ranting! Just stop, please, I can’t take it, all these morals! Plah, gah, urgh!  Look, you sold society --your society -- to me well; plus I think you’re hot!

 

PO: It’s not ‘your’ society; it’s OUR society! OUR FUCKING SOCIETY!

 

Rebby: Do they pay you to say that? You’re aroused, aren’t you? No! Before you answer: you practice these slogans, right? Do they put something in the tap water? Do you all have lobotomies at birth? It’s like that, isn’t it? I knew it! I fucking knew it -- I’m always right! ALWAYS!

 

Scrut: Let him rant: give him his turn Officer! Let’s leave quickly -- he might send us to sleep with his tiresome polemic!

 

[Scrut and PO exit. The Rebel continues shouting and moaning about how he dislikes everything. He realises they have gone and falls asleep. Scrut and the PO re-enter.]

 

Scrut: This is going to be a hard case to crack. The rebel is using fragments of their past to shield himself against the future-almost like a dead religion. They believe in nothing, as they have faith in nothing, not even themselves. I don’t know. The past has done nothing for them! But this rebel is a conundrum: why is he so bitter?

 

PO: Bad loser? A poopy-pants? I don’t know - maybe our time and his own time will never fully understand each other. Maybe we're not meant to?

 

Scrut: Do you think this experiment is wise?

 

PO: Do what you want.

 

Scrut: That’s not an answer-I want opinions! Do you think it’s right? [PO about to answer, but is interrupted.] I will hit you if you say ‘what’s right?’

 

PO: Er, I don’t know! [Scrut slaps PO.] Ouch! That stung; I bruise easily, you know! I’m sorry, maybe you should write a paper on it, and put it on the mainwebbynetty thing.

 

Scrut: Good idea, I will forward an idea on the MTX212. Okay, we must keep this secret.

 

PO: But that means you cannot write your paper!

 

Scrut: I will do it under the guise of a hypothetical scenario-[no-one of high intellect really pays much attention to those anyway] but, hopefully, not all them will dismiss my paper as wishful thinking! I will get people’s responses without thinking that it is a reality!

 

PO: Ooh, deception in a Domia!

 

Scrut: It’s not-you make it sound like a soap, or a book written during the renaissance! No-one must know this rebel is a capitalist! He will be one of us! That is, after all, part of my job. And we are helping him, but trying to understand him at the same time! We are getting him with the times and he will love us in the end!

 

PO and Scrut:[To the audience:]  It is ethical, honest!

 

Scrut: Enough of that! Put him in my chambers. When I get back from the Town hall , then hopefully, I can have a good answer!

 

PO: Eh, eh, in your chambers! Nudge, nudge, wink-

 

Scrut: Stop it! It is not like that! This is professional!

 

PO: Of course it is! Oh, yeah -- really professional!

 

Scrut: Look after him and tie him up to my bed, if he gets aggressive. Maybe, you should give him some new clothes --get him some pyjamas! 

 

Scene3: Town hall: Day.

[The locals are gathered drinking and getting drunk slowly. Scrut enters, looking worried.] 

 

Scrut: Look, this is just a small hypothetical question which has been troubling me!What would you do if you found someone outside of their environment, from another time. Like , just say, for example, as this is make believe and just a bit of folly, but just say, that we found a capitalist! Some mangy money grubber aimlessly walks by our beautiful settlement, and we must remember, capitalists are people to!  We make him one of our own, as he is lost, he will get hungry soon. It is the only humane thing to do-incorporate him into our way of life, which, in my opinion, is the correct way! He is trying to plant some seeds-cress seeds he found, but he doesn’t realise that he needs a week. In that time he will be dead! I call, for the trust of humanity, that we save him/. He is a capitalist from the past who does not know any better.

 

[There are lots of cheers.]

 

Old Man: Let me comment on this issue-a single and superficial issue, if I may say so. Trust an ignorant capitalist to make such a projection. I know this is only on the MTX212, but do we know what we are doing? He does not known our society and may bring new questions to it! Shall we re-educate him? Are we any position to really question his past actions? To put it: bluntly this transition might fuck him up -- well, it sort've fucked ‘Buck Rogers’ up! I have seen the televised documentation! Horrific stuff -- oh, and the fashion! I don’t know what it will do to his dress-sense!

 

Scrut: Oh, it’s bad enough -- another bit of Lycra will not make much difference!

 

Old Man: Oh, how superficial we are!

 

[Cheers from the local intoxicated utopians.]

 

Scrut: Shut up you dozy chauvinist! We are doing him a favour! We are getting him in with the times!

 

Old Man: But little office lady, surely it is all about a state of mind -- if one does not agree with something then one will oppose it! So, therefore, everything to do with anything is about state of mind.

 

Scrut: Yeah, but isn’t that obvious?

 

[Cheers sound out again.]

 

Old Man: Yep, I suppose. Well, we are all human,[All too human] so why can’t we get along?

 

Scrut:  We do at the moment! We have to-maybe to survive, juts a minor thing like that.

 

Old Man: Yes, that’s cool, but we still have crime-not all problems are resolved! People still fight and take drugs!

 

[Cheers at the mere possibility of drug usage.]

 

Scrut: Well, they don’t fight over drugs because the health board controls all drugs which, as you know are free and are prescribed. But, violence, people fighting, they could quarrel over women-over anything!

 

Old Man: [Beat.] I argued over a woman once. She was a woman, an older woman. I was in 'The Graduate' and --

 

[Cheers are replaced by dull groans.]

 

Scrut: Well, does anyone else want a say?

 

[Silence.]

 

Scrut: Good to see debate is still alive.

 

Old Man: Why can’t you be content! Okay, we are all human, but maybe we could incorporate the capitalist and maybe they will not be as harsh!

 

Scrut: Maybe. Don’t worry. Maybe I should transmit his idea as a soap? A serialised version will help you digest the information? Would that be cool?

 

[Cheers.]

 

Old Man: But it can’t clash with ‘EastEnders’! [Pause.] No, I’m not joking, I don’t know why you're laughing! I am being serious! 

 

[Everyone disperses]

 

Scene 4:Scrut’s Chambers.

[The Rebel awakes in a bed, and looks around at Scrut’s desolate chamber. It is an empty space, apart from the bed. Scrut enters.]

 

Rebel: Oh, very swish and, er, dull! Oh, you moderno’s -- I can’t keep up with all this! Look, look at me! You have dressed me up in your future clothes! Now, I use to watch Space 1999 and it’s not that bad in that. But , look, this is like a prelude to a toga party! 

 

Scrut: Don’t you ever stop moaning! No wonder you were always revolting! You people are just plain attention seekers -- always thinking of yourself. What was it all about economic power back then?

 

Rebel: Would you like me to tell you about the pain humanity went through? Which it still goes through? Then , I will continue, if I may, about the vile way that Domia just ignores it’s sister settlements and lives its exclusive anti-capitalist existence in the middle of nowhere. Do you know, I would live on a tin of beans and a bottle of mineral water a day? It was healthy apparently, but I didn’t know it at that time and almost overdosed on vitamin pills. Well, they were have price and I had the shits all weekend, so I thought why not!

 

Scrut: You’re chatting shit! Why are you telling me all this?

 

Rebel: Because you asked?

 

Scrut: No, I never! 

 

Rebel: Look, just shut up! I’m having a rant! Freedom of speech, isn't it? Why can’t you civilised types be arsed to listen?

 

Scrut: [short pause. Scrut is getting angry, but represses it by placing some pills down her panties.] Just stop living in the past and embrace the bounty of the future! Oh, how the capitalist world wishes to be like this, but cannot! It is a reluctant humanist you keep voting for, but we want you to just live here and be part of our settlement! It’s quite simple!

 

Rebel: Oh, no! The system is not buying me that easy! No, not me Boo-Boo! I’m going to reveal, like all radicals, the fallacy of your system and prove that they are flawed! FLAWED! There is a perfect system and there is a fair and realistic system, but we are incapable of both!

 

Scrut: Yeah, whatever! I’m going to bed. Do you want a drink before I go? No? Good! I really think you are wasting  our time; just trying to catch everyone out. What are you trying to say?

 

Rebel: That you live in a dictatorial regime and you just don’t know it! It’s all propaganda! And mind games-- it all gets psychological from there and it really isn’t that simple!

 

Scrut: Look, it is; honest. Just because we do things slightly different you have to react against them! I thought you would be cool with them! 

 

Rebel: Look, do your job, and I will do mine! I’m a rebel, I have to rebel against something -- even if it’s nothing!

 

Scrut: That’s brilliant! Look, you have to sleep in the hover-sofa on the porch. I think you’re a bit of a freak. So, I will see you in the morning!

 

Rebel: I wanted a cocoa! [Pause. Scrut exhales in annoyance at the Rebel.] Let’s keep discussing things, please. It’s fun!

 

Scrut: There’s nothing to discuss -- you just like moaning, so I take it you just love the sound of your own voice!  Look, it’s late. The kitchen is around there, you will get use to it, trust me. 

 

[Beat.]

 

Rebel: I’m a prisoner, aren’t I?

 

[Pause.]

 

Scrut: Sort of. You can leave, but we must make sure we can trust you before that choice is granted to you.

 

Rebel: I knew this was some tyrannical regime -- you're in charge, aren’t you? Let me speak to the Duce! Come on! Right now!

 

Scrut: Have you had enough food? Do you want to brush your teeth?

 

Rebel: No, I would, but I’m not going to.

 

Scrut: Point taken.  See you in the morning.

 

Rebel: So, do you fancy me? I know you want me -- I’m a rebel! Everyone wants a rebel! I’m not a middle class upstart, I’m through-and-through rough stuff, straight out of Cuba!

 

Scrut: Okay, goodnight then.

 

[Scrut exits. Rebel gets into to bed and starts to masturbate.]

 

Rebel: [To himself.] Bloody perfect place -- still no whores. I need some rebellious action of the revolutionary kind! This is ridiculous --[Starts to masturbate.] Ooh, uh, that’s good!

 

[Slight pause. Scrut runs in and jumps on top of the Rebel.]

 

Scrut: Okay Rebel, fuck me senseless! Let’s see twentieth-first century boy, can you be my toy? Are you up to the paces of the next generation? Let’s find out how fit you are! [Scrut gyrates on the Rebel. He is shocked by her agility, as he comes quickly, wrestling through the embarrassment. He tries to do his trousers up. But Scrut forces them down, wrestling him down onto the ground.] Oh what a shame! You’re over before you began. Okay, it looks like you better put on the Motion-brator. That should do the trick! Strap it on and, hopefully, it will pleasure you, too. [Points.] It’s over there? Can you see? Right there, by your side! Sorry, your other side! No -- oh, where did I put it?

 

Rebel: Oh, yeah. Well, it looks better in the movies, right? Sure, I know the drill! And, I ain’t come yet, it's just a warm-up pre-dribble, I’m just getting warmed up. Just a bit of moisture. Let’s go!

 

[Finds the strap and straps it on himself. Pause, as they get comfy.]

 

Scrut: By the way, what was that odd motion you were doing with your hand -- it was very interesting. I take it some prayer? To the old gods?

 

Rebel: Er, yeah, something like that. Can’t we get it --

 

[They fuck. Very rapidly, as we hear a loud vibrating hum being generated from the strap-on that the Rebel is wearing.]

 

Rebel:So are you shocked?

 

Scrut: What?

 

Rebel: Are you? [Turns the vibrator off.] Are you shocked? You know, it’s a big vibrator. Usually that is meant to be shocking? You know, it’s a sexual thing so people get all funny and embarrassed over it? I think it is working for me -- I've got a boner!

 

Scrut: Really? Wow, can I take a photo of it?

 

Rebel: Well, we can fuck? Properly -- if you want too?

 

Scrut: I don’t get it? Fuck in Domia means to exercise. I’m sorry if I have implied intercourse! No we can’t really do that without a T67 mind scan! It’s to show we are not certified fuck ups, that is if we have kids. All adults must have the T67-scan before they are about to have kids! We don’t want to fuck up our kids do we? That’s if one of us is a fuckwad! That’s the future we are messing with!

 

Rebel: I knew there would be a Catch-22 like that. When you thought things were going to happen, this language barrier appears -- it is the same language? It's confusing, because you all use a new lingo! I can't keep up with the times! I’m useless, I can’t do anything! What can I do here? It's my destiny to rebel! I must do something to liberate these people! 

 

Scrut: What from?

 

Rebel: From these sort of situations!

 

Scrut: Look, I’m sorry, that has created some tension, I didn’t mean for that to happen, I love you!  Not like, you know, but like a friend. I really want you to settle here well, but I must keep you here. We don’t use force! 

 

Rebel: Well, I’m going to the media -- I’m sorry, I will need to tell these backwards people the truth, and your deceptive ways!

 

Scrut: There is no deception.

 

Rebel: I will leave in the morning and tell your NewsCore -- I will be a celebrity! I will be unstoppable. I’m the living past! I will go after breakie -- is that cool.

 

Scrut: Yeah, I will do scrambled eggs, if that’s okay. [Beat.] Well, I can’t stop you, but you may force us to react to harsher measures -- like killing you!

 

[Rebel throws Scrut off him onto the floor.]

 

Rebel: Get off me! I will not be blackmailed!

 

Scrut: No, I’m just seeing if you are a bottlejob. Violence never really wins anything except more violence. So we will try to kill you first and make sure you’re dead, before we under-estimate you and you kill all of  us!  That is probably quite easy, as we are not very violent. There’s a clue to: AVOID THE WAR YOU SHITHEAD, OR YOU WILL DIE!

 

Rebel: Fine, just don’t kill me in my sleep. Sorry, if I threw you hard -- I didn’t mean to! I'll get some TCP, I  noticed how easily you bruise. Where is the TCP? It isn't bad, is it? I feel so bad -- I’m not normally violent! Honest! I think you are a lovely person -- I wouldn’t want to kill --

 

Scrut: So don’t, then we won’t!

 

Rebel: Well of course, but I must make my stand -- it is in my nature! You and your bully boy tactics will not be stood for by this charismatic individual!. I shall thwart you!

 

Scrut: Oh, that’s so romantic!

 

Rebel: I don’t want to be romantic -- I want to be heroic! Or can’t I be both?

 

Scrut:  If you want. We shall go for that mind scan tomorrow to check out your ‘psychological’ profile. We use the term ‘psychological’ very weakly, as you have no idea what one mind will do another will not. We need to be sure. Or, more importantly, we need to be right for once! So far, the track record is great. That explains why you now describe this as a utopia compared with your earth, which was, if I can say, a bit of a shit hole. [Beat.] So rest up -- especially as you now know your enemy. [Sniggers.] Not bad that, was it?

 

Rebel: Yeah, well, whatever, that will show you! Don’t fuck with me! I'm up with pop culture, you fascist!  I use to collect Pogs and Ninja Turtles. I’ll see you in the morning.

 

Scrut: Fine. It wasn't about cartoons and retro fads; it was about a song and the original Capra propaganda film --

 

Rebel: Ooh, you're so clever! I haven't got time to read it all, I just know don't I? Yeah, suck on those apple-shaped eggs!  

 

[Rebel starts to masturbate again; he closes his eyes, pretending Scrut cannot see him. Scrut stares, intrigued at first, possibly aroused. The Rebel ejaculates into Scrut’s eye. She wipes it out of her eye and off her face with a tissue; and then licks the excess ejaculate off her fingers. She then laughs, like a child and exits.] 

 

Rebel: Wow, how can she put up with me? I think I'm in love!

 

[Rebel starts to masturbate again.]

 

Scene 5: News report.

[We see a man with a bag running onto a stage. The man plugs himself in to a large monitor. Then other people run in, with bags, and plug themselves into a large monitor They then start taking out lots of food from bags and eating, and urinating where they sit. They just don’t care. They fart and really smell. Then the monitor is switched on. We get a fast-forwarded pictures of certain historical events, as we see the burning of money, soldiers with tanks and kids[from 1919 Germany, playing with stacks of useless money, due to hyper-inflation. We then hear some pan-pipes, this is while we hear a news report.]

 

News Report announcer [off]: Good day? Isn’t life great? Well, there is a tremble in the power of happiness today. Our small little settlement, has historically been visited by a capitalist! A real life capitalist shit. This is a discovery worthy of historical comment, which hopefully will bring us a clearer picture of the past. It’s not that we have a dirty one, well actually, we just don’t really have a picture at all. We just hope a few people will remember. The party who claimed to be the capitalist is named us RJB. This is , of course, a coded name: he's a rebel. He says he is in fear of the state, and thinks we are all being controlled really easy! Like that is new! Maybe, this guy is some mad Orwell fan, working for a small, independent, publisher, just harmlessly trying to flog a few more books? What no-one reads the classics anymore!? What do you people at home think? Contact me, on the MTX212 and we will get back to you! Real or fake, this capitalist rebel guy will cause a stir -- and the media love it! No wars or famines, or murders, gets dull being a news anchor. I would rant, but, oh, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t speak about my personal life, but I will. It all happened when I met Tania Bryer, and I waltzed into Lakeside -- You must go there? Oh, forget about it! Don’t go there then! I was trying to plug something and you --

 

[It gets turned off.]

 

[Scrut and PO enter with a Suited Man.]

 

Scrut: Okay, so you kill him -- it has got out of hand already. He is getting a following, people think he’s -- oh, god forbid it, funny.

 

PO: How do you mean funny -- I don’t find him funny!

 

Suited Man: No, nor do I ! How am I funny?

 

PO: I don’t care about you-we are talking about him!

 

Scrut: [to Suited Man.] I don’t get why people laugh when he tries to charge them paper money for something and seduce women by buying them stuff, which everyone can get! We must save our small settlement from this kind of pollution! Mr. Vallenomorbioos C. Smith. Can I call you VC, for short?

 

VC: Well, my full name is Trapapapapapapaap. I do like being called Tra. Or VC, yes that will do.

 

Scrut: Okay, right that is sorted. [Who made up these names? Your parents must have been very fucked up!

 

VC: That is why I am a hit-man! ]

 

Scrut:  You are the last soldier -- ever! But now you will fire the last gun ever produced in Domia. It just so happens to be the only gun, in Domia. There is also only one bullet You cannot lose it, you must kill him; it’s so easy!

 

PO: It ain’t easy -- I never will be! Apart from now, that is. Which is not easy-easy, but fairly easy. Fine, I'm easy!

 

Scrut:  [to PO] Shut up you legal cunt! I’m sorry to swear, but this is a serious situation. We have the power now, but it will be harder later. Are you loyal? 

 

VC: Will you sleep with me if I say yeah?

 

Scrut: I should keep you focused! Okay, I will sleep with you! [Drunken cheers from offstage.]Then we can fuck after wards! [To audience.] Oh, who fell for that one?

 

VC: He is as good enough dead -- don’t worry I won’t sleep with him!

 

[VC exits way too dramatically.]

 

PO: Those hit-men, they never wear there ‘Slangifiers’. Language changes so quickly, we must be liberal enough to adapt. It is a shame, isn’t it? Do you want a tea? Could've been a bit more interesting if we had done, like an old Shakespeare-thing, to him! You know, gender-bending? So, we can have a bit of fun for a change, and do some luvvie police work!

 

Scrut: I know. Soft power is under-rated. Oh, I have to meet an old person for lunch. They are old and I have to have lunch with them. It’s good for them. And me. It’s a complex scenario!

 

PO: That’s sounds fun. I should go and meet a young person. In the park. No, not on the common -- don't start that again! But, wow, we're going all communal! [Beat.] Are the press going to be there?

 

Scrut: Yeah, so some recognition would go into my CV and all would be hunkydory! Recognition, that is what it is just all about too!  It’s one of those things that everyone wants-at some point. Hopefully save up some money to go into space, but I still say a good reference will help me get into the White House!

 

[Scrut exits. The PO looks bored and plugs himself into a TV.  The Rebel enters. he gets on a soapbox, and puts a fake TV round his head. This TV, could be made out of cardboard, but is not real. Hear static noises then we hear rebel, with megaphone. ]

 

RJB: Hello, Settlement of Domia, you are in danger! This is my current attempt at rebranding!  I know this because I am radical! Oh, yes, I am! I am the one who can see that you are a slave colony! I am promoting not the past, but a future without the totalitarian machinery. They do everything for you: wash your clothes, give you all the latest technology; which isn’t too bad, I suppose. Then they dish out food distribution, they have all your details on ID card, and they know everything about you! Yes, you! You are compromising with this regime, at the moment, but what if something better comes along? Like what? How about freedom? But you don’t get it. Do you? You society cannot harm us? Don’t you dare join hands and say ‘We shall overcome’! Your perfect society -- and I know you will say ‘It’s not perfect’ -- but your perfect society is a tyranny crisis waiting to burst! You will laugh it off-why? Because you are happy! Oh, you people you do nothing even when repeatedly told! Why don’t you see that you’re controlled! What sort of society give out free drugs, health care and free access to all state archive!! This is too good to be true, and I smell a fat capitalist rat-cat, erm, pig, thing! A thing, exactly! Be scared!

 

[Everyone laughs.]

 

VC: Okay folks, thanks for scanning in, and I will see you on the Chat Show frame tomorrow!

 

Scene 6: Chat Show.

[The Rebel is on a Chat Show with Scrut and, the PO and the Mayor. VC is the host.]

 

VC: Hello, folks and welcome to That Domia Chat Show. This week we have a shock! Yes, I know, we are in for a debate. I know we have not had a debate since The Police Officer-seated beside me, had to rescue a cat from a tree. He tied a sausage to his truncheon, right? This is another, similar, ethical issue. Today, we are going to focus on whether or not Domia is a -- [O.T.T. Melodramatic piped music.] a totalitarian regime or a perfect state! Oh, we have been blinded, have we been living with shi-muck in our eyes, as This rebel, known only as RJB, claims. Or are we living in a just world-as the law will claim and Miss Scrut would support. Okay, let’s put this before the panel. The rebranded rebel, Mr. RJB, what do you think-come on; let’s talk about this like adults [and remember -- no swearing!]

 

RJB: Well, I’m a Rebel! So fuck you! I will say what I want about this -- I know I’m right. And I can re-brand myself as I want to durng the night! In this case you think you are living in a perfect settlement! Well, I'm telling you all that Domia is flawed. I had lived in a capitalist society -- so I know all the evils! This society you have forged for yourself is fraudulent! How do I know this-I hear you ask? Well, I will prove it to you. Okay, you have ID cards, right? They prove that your identity is secure, but you also record purchases -- what you use, what you consume is noted on these hi-tech computerized chips in the cards. It’s all in the air. I am not paranoid; I am just a bit tetchy. You cannot discard these cards as they are memberships for societal survival, but that proves it! You don’t realise that government you elect know everything you do! See, they have you! You can’t see it! the police are ‘helpful’ everyone is ‘helpful’! If you make a complaint it is dealt with quickly-too quickly for my liking! They are giving out false information! The police have too much control and you don’t debate enough, you just lock yourselves in your chambers and interact through machines! 

 

VC: Umm, interesting. Mr Police Officer! [Sneezes and says:] Filth! Do you have answer to that?

 

PO: Honest, we are not trying to control anyone, we want to keep order, but we do not do it unfairly. I think he is being paranoid! 

 

VC: Good point -- it does sound as if you are looking into things that do not seem to be there!

 

RJB: You fuck wits! That is my point! You can’t see it, because you refuse to see it!

 

VC: Okay, Miss Scrut can you comment?

 

Scrut: Sure. Well, I would say that our settlement does share some aspects to a totalitarian society -- the control of information, the need for compromise and order. But what society does not? See we have the liberal scope to offer access to information, where we have a pure democratic structure unpolluted by the needs of a capitalist democracy. We do not control, or want to destroy, but want co-operation. Compromise and co-operation --

 

RJB: Buzz words, mere buzz words. They dull your senses with all this fake info and you are trying to whitewash things!

 

Scrut: Will you let me finish please?

 

PO: [To the RJB.] Shut up, mate!

 

VC: Come on let’s keep this light-not-too-heavy! People will think the Tories are back from the dead! Shall we play a game? How about Ludo? Okay, folks, this has heated up to hothothot; and, as you can see, the law is on the back foot and this rebel, a celebrity here, Mr. Rebby Rebel RJB, is certainly opening our shift-filled eyes!

 

Scrut: He bloody well is not! He's just a pessimist!

 

RJB: See, if you seek the truth then you are a pessimist!

 

VC: Okay, let’s calm down. Have some drinks.

 

[RJB, Scrut and the PO take drinks off a table]

 

VC: While , we are having that break, let’s get your views. Yes, that’s right what you think! [Goes up to members of the audience and asks them about proceedings.] As you can see no-one really cares to much, but they like the way things are. Better than what they were. So dictatorship or not, Domia is certainly a lot better than the shi-muck we used to live in. The important question is who is lying?

 

RJB: I’m not! I’m for the people! I lurrve peeeepal!

 

VC: Look, you can’t plug your song on here mate! Another remix is it?

 

RJB: I’m not plugging anything! I’m just being a radical!

 

PO: Being a twat more like!

 

RJB: Witness for yourselves! It's a suppression of free speech! They’re ganging up on me, they’re so rude! Defend free speech! Defend me!

 

Scrut: Shame this free speech lark entitles us to so much bollocks!

 

VC: Don’t be so anti-democratic! Ah! Folks, tis a dark day! Representatives of the state are talking very badly about the codes we trust! I think they are lying! So I shall kill them!

 

Scrut: I wasn’t saying that!  Wait a minute -- don’t be extreme! Okay, there may be free speech -- but who is listening to this [Referring to RJB.] charlatan!

 

VC: I told you chancers before! Don’t plug your records or the bands you are in! Can’t anyone go on a chat show these days and not have to plug something! Oh, I suppose you are only doing this because of your tour right? Chancers! All of you will die! You celebrities do fuck all and think you are in a class of your own -- you are a class of puppets! Who should do something with the recognition that other people need to get things done! [Pulls a gun out and points it at Scrut.] Die, you silly model! Die! Die!

 

RJB: No! don’t kill her! No!

 

[As VC shoots, RJB shields Scrut and takes a bullet in the gut for her. He collapses in pain and tries to steady himself up. In the process he grabs hold of Scrut’s breasts. Scrut screams. VC does a crazed pantomime laugh, as he turns his gun on the Police Officer. The PO knocks the gun out the hand of the VC, but really bad 1970s kung-fu moves. ]

 

Scrut: Ah! Look, this revolutionary is groping me! Oh! I knew they were all filthy unshaven bastards! Quick save me from this crusty!

 

RJB: You silly cow, I’m in pain here! Help me! Help!

 

[Scrut gets the RJB in a headlock and starts punching him. The Rebel RJB screams like a girl. The PO chases VC round the set of the Chat Show.]

 

RJB: You are all bloody mad! Help!

 

PO: Come here you terrorist! I will get you for this! Oh, you’ve had it now!

 

VC: Come on then, let’s see what you are made of!

 

[The VC and PO dance around trying to do some form of dance-karate. But VC gets the PO in a arm-lock, like the Police would do to make an arrest. The PO screams , then he sticks his fingers up VC’s bottom. They struggle for a bit, but VC enjoys this, as, with accompanying SFX, we hear all the gory, slimy, noises. But then the PO grabs VC’s privates and yanks them wildly. The VC screams, in pain this time. Not pleasure.]

 

PO: [in a Walkie Talkie.] I have made an arrest boys! Hello?... Hello?...Yes, get me into the Hall of Fame! I think I have made have made two!

 

Scrut: Don’t worry the Rebel is unconscious! [Turns to face the camera/audience.] As you can see, citizens of Domia, there are evil forces at work. We have stopped this ‘pants dance of evil’. This is all, of course, part of the nature of why humans fight. Hopefully, you will trust the State of Domia and help us in our quest to bring society up to date with the needs of every individual. Always keep your mind open, but that is all we have time for today!

 

[The studio audience are told to clap as people hold up cheap boards with ‘APPLAUSE’ written on them. As they hold the boards up, the lettering falls off, to leave 'APP    S'. ]

 

Scene7: Hospital.

[The Rebel is in a bed. He looks well. He has a huge plaster on his stomach. The Doctor enters. We hear loud cries and jeers from offstage.]

 

RJB: That was a quick operation. Can I go?

 

Dr.: I wouldn’t advise it. You have a huge, angry, mob gathered outside here waiting for you!

 

RJB: My supporters! Oh, I knew the good would out and workers of the world would unite in Domia! They realise I represent the people! I AM THE PEOPLE!

 

Dr.: No, they think you’re twat and they want to kill you!  You have received death-threats and suspenders -- the looney works! They want the death pictures. You know they want raw footage.

 

RJB: But why? It can be faked. And I saved the life of Miss Scrut! I took a bullet for her -- the last bullet in Domia! I took it, buddy! I done it to save her! I’m not violent -- only when others are violent, of course!

 

Dr.: Well, they think you are an annoying trouble maker and that they will kill you to preserve their society. I would kill you myself , but I have to be professional! Plus I don't want you secretly masturbating over me. You know there's a condition for what you've-- 

 

RJB: Cheers. Thank you for your compassion, Doc.

 

Dr.: That’s all good, chum! You set the whole thing up as a cheap ploy to get attention and hope that people here will like you. They don't, live with it! Your phony politics has no place here! We saw through that one!

 

RJB: No, you don’t get it! Did you call me chum? I didn’t --

 

Dr.: The Mayor wants to see you. You better go there now. Go on you are free.

 

RJB: But the mob? I can’t defend myself!

 

Dr.: Don’t worry. [Hands RJB a jar with a bullet in it. RJB accepts it.].Here is the last ever bullet in Domia. You could sell it, or donate it, to the museum. I will see you to his office. It’s only up the stairs here.

 

[They step across into a box room office.]

 

Scene 8: Office.

[The Mayor works at a desk, which is for children. He sits on a little red chair.]

 

Mayor: Ah! So you’re the boring rebel! [RJB and the Mayor shake hands.] Let me take your bullet for you. [RJB hands the Mayor the jar. The Dr. then frisks RJB.] Just a precaution, old boy. You might want to kill me! That Bush-Blair-Bin-Lada-Dada company guy wants to get me, and all of those other cronies who just follow him. I’m the Mayor and I run this town my way. I don't look like Gary Cooper, do I? [RJB shrugs.] Damn, that's what I thought! Everything is cool, but you sort are so depressed. What do you want?

 

RJB: Well, I discovered this place by accident -- like in ‘The Beach’? Yeah, anyway, I didn’t mean to cause trouble, it is just this place is undemocratic! Well, it's alien to me! How can you people survive without no money! I mean, come on! The army is forcing them too work!

 

Mayor: No-one is forcing anyone! Get that into your head! We have no army! Look join in-if you want, or we will pay you to get lost again.

 

[Pause.]

 

RJB: Are you asking me to leave Domia?

 

Mayor: We will get you back to the main road. You can get to Hounslow or somewhere from there.

 

RJB: But, maybe, I might not want to leave? Do you get what I’m saying? I could run for office.

 

Mayor: That’s unlikely: the public hate you!  Anyway, you populists thrive on being minor celebs. Look, you have twelve hours or you will be lost permanently.

 

[Pause.]

 

RJB: I don’t get it!

 

Mayor: You know, lost, lost! Buried? Sleeping with --

 

RJB: Oh, you mean a permanent vacation!

 

[Pause.]

 

Mayor: What is it with you celebs -- plugging me another one useless package of tat to sell, films, albums and sex toys?

 

Dr.: No, that’s Toys in the Attic, an ‘Aerosmith’ album., isn’t it? He is not in ‘Aerosmith’!

 

RJB: You didn't get what I said about that permanent vacation, did you?

 

Mayor: [paranoid.] Are you an undercover agent for ‘Aerosmith’? You queer crusty. Who are you?

 

[Pause, as they check their scripts.]

 

RJB: Oh, I get the lost, lost part now. I'll be a lost boy!

 

[Beat.]

 

Mayor: I’m completely lost with this conversation! I was trying to be subtle at some stage, but our wires must have got crossed!

 

RJB: I don’t have any wires -- unless you put some in me! I will kill you all if I’m a monster! What have you done to me?

 

Dr.: No, you will probably be killed by a violent mob!

 

Mayor: Shhh! The walls are thin and the mob is outside! Stop shouting -- we must keep this a secret.

 

[The Mob shouts and screams. They tear up the scripts.]

 

Mob: [off; Angry, of course.] We can hear you! Them walls are very thin!

 

Mayor: Look, we will leave you in the care of Mrs. Scrut.

 

RJB: Oh, not her! She’s mad! Wait up, did you say Mrs? She’s married?

 

Dr.: The police officer who saved her life married her. They made raging, passionate, love after you got shot and they had a mind-scan. It was all routine. I watched it all of course.[Don’t tell them that, though. He needed a helping hand! ]

 

[Dr and RJB snigger. Mayor silences them.]

 

Mayor:  Do not mock the union of two of the finest law enforcers in Domia. Actually, they are the only two active law enforcers in Domia ever. Apart from some voluntary staff, but they don't count, do they? [Closes his eyes.] Scrut, I am in your mind-big brother, I'm watching you!…Foreplay huh?…It's quite large!…Get dressed and come to my office…Now!…Come, come now! [Opens his eyes very quickly.] There that message was sent.

 

RJB: That’s quite a skill -- can you do that to everyone? Surely that must be an invasion of privacy! And you said big brother is watching you! That's a copyright infringement right there -- I knew you people were control freaks!

 

Mayor: It’s just our little joke. I interrupted them during an intimate moment! It can't be helped, I didn’t mean too, honest! I’m not a perv!

 

RJB: How can I warn the people that you get into their minds! I bet you are going to interrogate me! Can you read my mind?

 

Mayor: Well, I could, but it is against the law to read someone’s mind without there permission!

 

RJB: You just made that up! You read my mind because that is exactly what I was thinking! If in a democratic society-which this is not!

 

Mayor: Maybe we were thinking the same things?

 

RJB: Feeble excuse! That was feeble! You made that up! You read my mind. You didn’t find out what I wanted to do with Scrut? YOU DIDN’T READ MY MIND!

 

Mayor: Doctor calm him.

 

RJB: Oh, so you are drugging me first!

 

Dr.: Read his dirty thought first, before we sedate him!

 

Mayor: I could, but it is with my own sister!

 

RJB: Wait up! You did not mention Scrut was your sister!

 

Mayor: Well, I don’t need to tell you everything! That was what the big brother joke was all about -- honest!

 

RJB: With-holding information!Isn’t that illegal?

 

[Pause.]

 

Mayor: Public information, yes. Private, personal information of a medical nature does not ned to be addressed!!

 

[Scrut and PO enter.]

 

Dr.: Don’t worry this trouble-maker is just a twat! Drop him off near the A1 or something.

 

RJB: Wait! I want to stay! It’s late -- can I have some sleep? Or a wild night on the town?

 

PO: No, you are trouble! Trouble means evil! You’re the ringleader here accessing this excessive axis of evil! You are willing to sacrifice your own life to destroy someone else’s! Your sort -- you fanatics -- make me sick!

 

Mayor: Well, he could have one last night here. But you cannot leave your hotel room! We will say there is a party and send along some of the Domian young things. They are tasty, but they are not whores, just loose people who sleep around each weekend for no money! It will be just like an orgy! But it'll be civilised, of course. I'll send for some buffet snacks.

 

RJB: Good! I have been waiting to get my rocks off since I got here!

 

Mayor: But Scrut and the PO must guard you!

 

RJB: [To the PO.] Sorry, mate. Congratulations on getting hitched. What was your name again?

 

Mayor: Enough small talk. Go, you must leave here! Go out the back. I have a secret passage installed to the Domia Grand Hotel.

 

Dr.: I will get word about that there is a party. [Picks up megaphone on the desk. Shouts off-stage.] Hello! There's a hotel party if you’re doing nothing! It’s free-like everything else of course!

 

[Mob cheers off-stage.]

 

Mayor: Well done Doc! You are a clever boy!

 

RJB: I could have done that!

 

Dr.: Don’t mess with me. Come on, follow me!

 

[They all exit, except the Mayor who turns his office into a hotel reception area.]

 

Scene 9: Hotel reception.

[RJB enters.]

 

RJB: Hello. Have we met?

 

Mayor: Yes, I’m the mayor and the owner of the hotel. . Here are your keys. [Hands him some keys.] I will be up when I have enough shit in me!

 

RJB: The Doctor is sorting all that!

 

Mayor: Snorting all what? Already? I better get some more. I will be back in a bit. Go up-every one is up there!

 

[Mayor exits. RJB walks in circles, as if he is going up some steps. Finds a ‘door’. Opens it and walks into: ]

 

Scene 10: Hotel Suite.

[A huge mob, which was outside is in the suite dancing to cheesy music. Everyone is present, as the Dr. enters with pint glasses full of pills and bottles of booze, followed by the Mayor, who has an absurdly large bag of cocaine, smokes a huge cigar. Scrut looks very solemn as the PO gets drunk and dances with another girl.]

 

RJB: Hey, hey, hey! The party has started! Music, shitty snacks, drugs, sex, booze! But no togas? What’s going on! Cheer up Scrut! Why don’t you have a good time? Do I get a last night treat? You’re going to be-

 

Scrut: Don’t flatter yourself! I will never have liaisons with your sort!

 

RJB: You know I saved you from that bullet!

 

[The Dr. tries to guzzle a pint of pills and starts to zone out. The Mayor is eating cocaine with ice-cream. The Dr. then starts stripping for the Mayor. The crowd cheer him.]

 

Scrut: Oh, no! Not again Doc! Don’t! You're always making a fool of yourself! This is so dull!

 

RJB: Don’t change the subject! She just blanked me! Did you see that? Yeah?

 

Mayor: Oh, shut up! It’s the rebel's last night! Let’s all have some fun! [The record scratches, as the music stops. Long pause. As the friendly mob crowd round RJB.] Oops, sorry! I let that one slip!

 

Scrut: [To RJB.] Quick! Let’s get out of here!

 

Reveller1: So you are the guy who is trying to over throw what we have worked for! I bet he works for the C.I.A.! They have been trying to destroy Domia since the beginning!

 

Reveller2: No, he’s just a useless celebrity, I mean cele-brat-y trying get on the bandwagon and get a little a bit of power!

 

RJB I bet you've been wanting to use that cele-brat-y thing for ages, bloody sad fucker.

 

PO:  If we lose it, it is at the expense of our equality!

 

Dr.: Look, I was stripping here, but I seemed to have regained my --

 

Reveller2: Let’s get him! The TV companies will want him!

 

Reveller1: Wait! Don’t hurt him! Wait until we get him in a laboratory! 

 

Dr.: Yeah, good idea! Laboratory theatre! No! I don’t like hospitals! I hate that! Noooo!

 

Scrut: Stand back, rebel! They are going mad! [Scrut shields RJB.] Please back off, folks. PLEASE!

 

PO: Why don’t we kill him! Yeah? We'll kill him on TV! [Wild cheers and yelps of excitement. The mob move closer towards Scrut and RJB, trapping them in a corner.] It’s what he would have wanted!

 

RJB: No, I wouldn’t! Scrut, I  thought your husband was meant to be protecting me!

 

Scrut: We have been set up!

 

RJB: Please protect me, Scrut! Don’t let  them get me!

 

Scrut: When I say ‘Go’ run like mad!  These people are crazy! They just want a good ruck [ Not a fuck -- grow up! ] And you antagonised it all! Get ready -- ‘Go’!

 

[Scrut pulls out a gun, but they know it is empty. RJB screams, as does Scrut. Scrut and RJB are swamped and Scrut vanishes under the bodies. RJB crawls out and goes to run for the door, but it opens and VC enters.]

 

RJB: I thought you were dead!

 

VC: No, my Peepee hurts, but I am fine!

 

RJB: No, but you are in prison.

 

VC: The thing is in Domia, all the prisons here are open ones. I just checked out for tonight, but I have to be back before midnight.

 

PO: Now, there’s an example of a good citizen!

 

VC: I am going to kill you and finish off the job-you are harder than what I thought!

 

RJB: What do you mean ‘job’? [Beat.]Were you hired to kill me?

 

VC: [looks at the mayor. The Mayor shakes his head ‘no’.]  No, that's crazy talk!

 

RJB: I smell a rat!

 

All: [Panic.] Urgh! Where? Find it!  it could carry the plague! Ah, bad omens from God! Blame the rebel!  

 

RJB: Oh my goodness! Scrut! [Scrut is unconscious on the floor.] She needs a medic.! Where is that medic?

 

Dr.: Sorry, I’m too drunk to operate!

 

VC: Pah, now no-one is left to help you!

 

RJB: Sorry Cinders, but I have an hour to leave still!  Look, she needs a Doctor.! A Doc. who is sober enough to heal her -or she will die! 

 

[Everyone ignores him.]

 

Scrut: [slowly regains consciousness; weakly.] I’m sorry-maybe you were a caring person really. Maybe we just did not know enough about you-so we were fearful! We plotted, but it was only a mini-plot. Actually it was not much of one at ll. It was just because you would not cooperate and you would not leave. We did not know how to get you home. I’m sorry it’s had to end on this.

 

RJB: That’s okay. Look, I will try tto save you. I really love you!

 

Scrut: Don’t! Because , I have fallen in love with you! I was meant to resist your radical charms! But, as you can see, I could not! Quote me some Marx and turn me on!

 

RJB: I’m tired of all that! Look, maybe I can kiss you?

 

[Scrut dies in his arms. Everyone is crying. RJB kisses her gently on the lips and checks out her particulars, feeling up her dead warm body.]

 

 PO: Oi! That was my wife! You’re playing with my dead wife! You dirty boy! Kill him!

 

[RJB is captured and tied up.]

 

VC: Wait! Before we go any further, let us build a stake and, AND! [Turns to the audience.] Say a big hello to all our folks out there! Welcome to the Domia hour! We are here, for you, and you! For all of you!

 

[Scrut is removed and is chucked onto a makeshift pyre.]

 

Scene 11: Chat Show.

[RJB is tied to a recycled MDF stake. The Mob go around him jeering. The Mayor is dressed as a Judge.]

 

Mayor: I pronounce this vermin guilty! He killed my sister and the wife of our beloved, but very simple police officer!

 

PO: Okay, what is going on?

 

VC: Well, folks this debate has really heated up! Just imagine if you could do this to all your political leaders! Politics would be fun! And very messy. Like ‘Funhouse’. Anyway, let’s get back to the action -- see, no commercials here! Except that I was eating one day in a lovely burger bar-

 

Mayor: Get on with the show! There is only one burger bar -- and that’s Domia burger!

 

[Everyone claps.]

 

VC: Okay, let’s get the reactions of the public. They are not actors, but people off the streets![Approaches Reveller1.] Hello, Reveller 1, what’s your reaction?

 

Reveller1[R1]: It’s fucked isn’t it?

 

VC: Classic observation. Did you vote him out?

 

Reveller1: No, I didn’t vote for a thing-I didn’t even know about an election!

 

VC: That’s bad. What do you do for a living?

 

R1: I’m an actor!

 

VC: You’re kidding?

 

R1: No, I’m joking around. But I wouldn’t mind being on Neighbours or something. Is this live? Will it be aired right now? Wow! This can go on my profile.

 

VC: No, oh no -- don’t you dare say ‘hi’ to your mum! Let’s speak to this reveller, we shall call: Reveller 2. That’s simple for our viewers at home, to avoid confusion!

 

Reveller2[R2]: Hello!

 

R1: Hi Mam! Hi to you, too, Aunt Winnie!

 

VC: Get out of it! This is serious! A political troublemaker is about to be executed! All the nihilistic youth can think of is fun and fornication!   

 

R2: Yeah, it should be fun seeing him burn. He didn’t know much that rebel dude. He was boring: he just had an array of pop-cultured in jokes and all that! He wanted to poke me online, on some kinda book thing. It sounded so dirty! Well, I say down with pop-culture and soulless money! And that’s because money ain’t civilization, but because we rely on it to make us think we have a civilization! That guy was proof of the past! A vile odour of the past! [Melodramatically:] Oh, is that too over-the-top? What do you think? Am I hamming it up?

 

VC: Shut, shut up! That’s enough public reaction!

 

R2: I forgot my motivation! Was that all right? I can do other stuff!

 

VC: Shut up! You haven't even been issued a name [Pushes R2 out of the way.] Okay, so this is nothing new, but at least we can see that the event that has occurred has unified all of Domia!

 

[The Mob are banging drums and clanking metal pots. VC looks oddly at them.]

 

RJB: At last! I have completed my aim! I have brought you together! That is all I asked for! All…

 

VC: Good he has passed out, no boring last rites speeches. I hate them too! Okay, folks: this is where we’re going to have to switch you off! It’s only common decency that we cannot show you the gory climax! Goodbye and goodnight! Burn the fucker then!

 

[A torch - a sparkler - is ignited and sets the pyre on fire. RJB, screams as he sees the flame.]

 

PO: Look, a star ship trooper!

 

[Everyone looks one way, but the PO and the Dr. take RJB off the pyre and throw him on the floor. The Mayor, the Dr., and the PO sit on him. The Mayor throws onto the pyre a straw guy.]

 

VC: [Turns back to the pyre.] Wow, maybe we should starts filming again! This guy has turned to straw!  [Turns to face audience/camera.] Folks: there are some extraordinary events, but this takes the piss. The rebel has turned to straw! He was a spy after all! Just another fall guy for the KGB or the CIA. Whatever, they are called-they’re both the same! The wicked witch of the west has also been implemented! Domian Theorists and academics alike will be talking (I mean writing) about this event for years. [Beat.] Anyway, other news: Mrs. Frummy’s cat --Stevie-- has been stuck up a tree for 5 minutes. We are going to the scene of the action and hopefully can give you all the information!

 

[VC exits, followed by the mob. A beat. The mayor, the Dr., and the PO get up off the rebel.]

 

RJB: Okay, I am definitely going this time! I’m gone! Thanks! Thank you for saving me! Why did you? I would not have done the same for you if the majority were on my side!

 

Mayor: Well, it is not our way! We don’t that!

 

PO: Okay Scrut may be dead, but at least she gave her life trying to save you and you did kind of like her anyway! I think she like you too, but she repressed it!

 

Mayor: Whatever you do, you cannot stay! You were offered to stay, but you made it go messy and you lost control. All the death that’s occurred by the hands of mob violence! You were lucky. So walk. It was nice meeting you human from the past. I hope you find a settlement that satisfies you!

 

RJB: No, I have! I like it here…in Domia! Even though your people are freaky at times, they are nice and hopeful they want to work to together, in mutual cooperation with mutual trust between the state and individual! Maybe it is a utopia?

 

Dr.: No, it’s not! Just a different society. We still have problems. You were one. And you still are-- so get out of it. I need to puke, I shouldn’t have done my ‘FlashDance’ thing.

 

RJB: Thanks, thank you!

 

Mayor: Go on: beat it! The mob have forgot about you by now. You’re old news! So don’t come back and don’t tell anyone you got lost and found this place! Good!  [They shake hands. RJB exits.]Phew, I didn’t think we would sort that! That is an odd thing to happen.  

 

Dr.: We still haven’t sorted things! We still have a contract killer hosting a prime-time chat show!

 

Mayor: Ah, it could be worse! He could have been a Liberal! 

 

[Fade to black, as they exit, the pyre, slowly going out.]

Prayers to the Skid-Mark

PRAYERS TO THE SKID-MARK

By George O'Sullivan and Colin Peterson

 

DRAMATIS PERSONAE

 

DR LOVEDAY

DR TOSST

TINNY

CROWIE / MORRIS

COLONEL PTERAS

SURGEON-SOLDIER / WEREWOLF / SURGEON ONE

SURGEON-SOLDIER / MISS PLEECAS / FOX

SURGEON-SOLDIER / FROG / SURGEON THREE

SURGEON-SOLDIER / GHOUL / SURGEON FOUR

MANNEQUIN MUTATED SKELETON DANCERS

 

"Hear what comfortable words our Saviour Christ says to all who truly turn to him: Come unto me, all that travail, and are heavy laden, and I will refresh you." Matthew 11.28 

 

 

Part one: DESCENDING INTO THE SKID MARK.

Setting: A house in a desolate wasteland, in an unknown country, where night and day have collided to produce a dusky polluted light.

The house is a scrappy building, shack-like in construction.

Inside we see a single living area. It is a lounge/diner with a kitchenette; the bathroom is off-stage right, the left leading to a dingy toilet. The door, leading from the hall way, is centre of the stage. The door is a huge, wizened, door, made from oak. 

On the floor we see a broken skeleton; whether it is human is unknown.

We hear nothing. An eerie stillness falls.

Suddenly, LOVEDAY enters, sweating and looking scared, carrying a near empty bottle of Diamond K.

LOVEDAY is an old man, not hunched, but looks strong; still with a taut physique.

LOVEDAY looks like a lion. He wears part of a cowardly lion costume. 

He crawls frantically around the room looking for something, hissing at the skeleton; and hides behind a small plastic chair, again made for children. We hear a dull thumping and the old door bursting open, a wind following. 

In the doorway stands TINNY, a hunched, elderly-looking child, with a small hatchet and a toffee hammer. She has a pair of knickers over her face, a  skid mark stained pair; she sniffs at the the skid mark to give herself energy(and for kicks, shits and giggles, you know....)

 

TINNY(sniffs hard). Oh, Fucksy!

 

            Pause, as LOVEDAY and TINNY size each other up..

 

LOVEDAY. Ding-dong.

 

TINNY.  Doorbell?

 

LOVEDAY. DING DONG!

 

TINNY. Sounds like…a...sound?

 

TINNY pretends to move to the door, while watching LOVEDAY. LOVEDAY peers over the plastic chair, then deciding to move it, as his cover. TINNY closes the door quietly, then kicks it, then opens it again, and hides behind the door, peering round it, positioning the hatchet and toffee hammer, ready to strike down.

 

TINNY(to an imaginary person.) Oh, hello Mister, what can I do for you? Oh, you want some sugar? Sugar, so urgently, at this time of night - well, let me just go upstairs. (Plods on the spot loudly; sees LOVEDAY moving, forgetting the chair then quickly going back for his cover. LOVEDAY hides behind it, he's wet himself.) I have to lock the fridge up - I have little ones you see, and they’re always eager to get everything; they want things so easy these days. Into everything, aren't they? Yes. (Beat.) Oh, yes, your sugar. You sure you won’t stop for tea? It’s much better than just sugar. You can mix them - can’t you?

 

Pause. LOVEDAY goes to run through the door, but peers round the chair, leaning over to see if    TINNY is behind the door. TINNY throws the hatchet into the ground, missing LOVEDAY with aridiculously late reaction. TINNY moves sluggishly, swinging the toffee hammer. LOVEDAY  is scared, despite evading TINNY successfully.

 

TINNY Little-wittle wormie-worm?

 

LOVEDAY I’m not -

 

TINNY They get DEAD! DEAD!(Laughs.) I LIKE DEAD! It's safe, isn't it?

 

LOVEDAY I’m sorry, I really am!

 

TINNY Yuh mother - YES, FUCKSY-MUMSY! - Left me in charge...SO LISTEN TO ME!

 

LOVEDAY But, when I was young, I remember the doctor  said, oh, what was it…

 

TINNY(laughing, woozy, losing co-ordination slightly). DOCTOR TRICERATOPS!

 

LOVEDAY I forgotten, but -

 

TINNY How profound. (Swings the toffee hammer, but looking exhausted. TINNY slows, swinging weakly.) …I’ll…get…medicine - no dinner! Just medicine for -

 

LOVEDAY You burnt my scarecrow! CROWIE!

 

TINNY Stop whining! STOP IT!

 

TINNY screams, then freezes, breathing slowly. She then starts to snore, hunching over, looking older. TINNY eventually loses her grip on the toffee hammer. It falls.

 

LOVEDAY(smiling). I’ll rescue you Crowie, you’ll see - I’ll find that soul; get that hope. I have to.

 

LOVEDAY opens the door and runs out. Suddenly, he runs back in, picking up the hammer. He struggles to get the hatchet out of the ground, finally managing to pull it free; it sends him flying, crashing into the kitchenette, knocking crockery, etc. 

 

LOVEDAY(picking himself up).  I’ll need to avoid witch doctors like her. I need to go…go to my place; find Doctor Triceratops. Then I can find Crowie. (Picks up the toffee hammer, cradling it like a child; to the audience.) ARE YOU WITH ME?  (Kissing the hammer.) ARE YOU?  This was my mum’s. (Pause.) But she gave it to a friend. She knew her at church. She knew her. They went to church, that was it. What was her name?…Dee…Something like that. 

 

            LOVEDAY exits, thrusting the hammer into the air truimphantly.

 

Part two: LIFE'S SO FUNNY! (DISCUSS).

LOVEDAY has been sleeping on the floor, his mouth covered in toffee, looking hungover, vomits toffee.TINNY is tied up, sleeping in a cot. The cot is made from milkcrates. It has been taped together with double-sided sticky plastic. LOVEDAY looks around, shocked.  He wipes his mouth.

 

LOVEDAY  I should leave it some water.

 

LOVEDAY urinates into a small plastic bowl, splashing some onto the floor. LOVEDAY laughs, TINNY    comes around, struggling, in pain and pleasure; but she is bound with     garden mesh and gagged with an old  soiled handkerchief.

 

TINNY Ummmmmmmmmmmmmurghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

 

LOVEDAY(picking up the bowl, urine slopping about; places it next to TINNY). See how kind I am? I know you didn't mean to kill Crowie. 

 

There is a knock at the huge door, we see CROWIE, looking very burnt, flesh peeling off his skin, clothes in cinders, a   wetsuit underneath the rags.

 

CROWIE Hello Loveday,  I'm from the government, you kno', of course. We kno' fakers.

 

LOVEDAY But the air is mad, we have it breathed within us, in our blood, our oozy-boozy blood.

 

CROWIE Shut up. Oxygen Seventy-Five does not exist, never has, never will. So. Mate. Back to work and you will probably lose your job and all your benefits; you'll go to prison.  

 

LOVEDAY Good. I need a holiday.

 

CROWIE There's nothin' wrong with you - prison will sort you out.

 

LOVEDAY What about her?

 

CROWIE Let her go. Let her live her own life. She has to go to school.

 

LOVEDAY She likes to be shat on.

 

CROWIE I do not care. You thought you had me dead, but us civil servants are getting army training now. I'm used to being burnt.(Pausing, looking ill.) I go to Lanzarote every year covered in lard. My 'naked-covered-in-lard-walks' are legendary there. But you've caused this problem, you're goin' to be  the first to say your discovery was a fake, a mistake. Hopefully, your imprisonment will discredit you further and get people back to work.

 

LOVEDAY What's happening out there then?

 

CROWIE I dunno, really. But everyone's  flippin' out blamin' it on this oxygen shit and gettin' ages off work, the whole community is collapsin'.

 

LOVEDAY(smiling.) Utopia, eh?

 

CROWIE For a slacker like you, puddin'. Do you know how much it's costin' honest people like me? I work for fuck all, I'm lucky to get a roof over me head. But that's all borin' back story to you, isn't it? Am I borin' you?

 

TINNY UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

 

CROWIE(trying to bring up some phlegm.) She's my bounty - I'll get top whack commmission for getting her back into school, then slavery for her. We need more wage slaves, since everyone is now in the pens, claiming to be nuts. Fakers. Make me sick. 

 

LOVEDAY I could kill you.

 

CROWIE Try it.

 

LOVEDAY(hitting CROWIE with the toffee hammer on the head; CROWIE smiles.) I'm dead now?

 

CROWIE(reaching for a gun made of melted biros in his front.) Sure are.

 

            TINNY has died, vomit and blood soak her gag.

 

CROWIE You've killed 'errrrrrrrrrrr, hhhuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

 

LOVEDAY(smiling.) I've fucked your brain.

 

            CROWIE clutches at his head, scratching himself, moaning; he's in pain, he drools, blood gushes from his nose, and mouth and he coughs up huge globules of pus.

 

LOVEDAY I guess I'm in charge now - and I say oxygen seventy five is as real as anything - how do you explain this?

 

CROWIE Urggggggghhhhhhhhhghhhuhuhuhuhuhh

 

LOVEDAY Jus' as I thought - I can't 

 

            LOVEDAY goes to exit, then pats CROWIE on the back, taking his biro gun.

 

LOVEDAY You can eat her if you want.

 

            CROWIE growling, moves towards TINNY, pulling a  funny face, his tongue flicking out, crawling on the floor, towards her groin. LOVEDAY exits, smiling, putting on a   shiny blue tuxedo jacket.  

 

Part three: FEAR BREATH

We see FIVE  MUTATED SKELETON DANCERS appear (they are in fact weird mannequins, operated by DOCTOR TOSST and the SURGEON-SOLDIERS.); the DANCERS are dressed in shredded biochemical suits and gas masks; they all dance, mechanically, doing some awful body-popping, then doing the can-can; some try to break dance, but they fall apart. TOSST and The SURGEON SOLDIERS stick them all into the dingy toilet and exit. LOVEDAY enters, wearing a gas mask, but dressed in a shiny blue tuxedo. He tries to tap-dance, but we notice smoke coming out of him: he's vaporising, it covers everything.

 

Part four: LIFE FEAR

The house. We see LOVEDAY sitting on a fishing stool, looking smart, dressed in a shiny blue tuxedo. MORRIS enters, carrying an office partition while wearing a wetsuit; he puts on a gasmask, and looks at the files in front of him, putting Salad Cream on them, then folding them into paper aeroplanes, throwing them around, giggling. 

 

MORRIS(smiling.) We've put Crowie away.

 

LOVEDAY WHAT?

 

MORRIS WE'VE PUT CROWIE AWAY, OKAY?

 

LOVEDAY I see, Morris. No need to shout.

 

MORRIS I'm not.

 

LOVEDAY WHAT?

 

MORRIS(annoyed.) Don't start - I'm going...No, I'm fine.

 

LOVEDAY This air is strange, eh?

 

MORRIS You're the first person I've seen without a gas mask for a long time.

 

LOVEDAY You have to embrace the madness, it's down to your genes. My research shows.

 

MORRIS Really? Then it's already fucked for me: my mum and dad were cousins.

 

LOVEDAY  That's mad.

 

MORRIS No, they really were cousins.

 

LOVEDAY Look, Morris, if you let me put out a health warning, then we can stop people getting all these freebies.

 

MORRIS I've been told to cover it up.

 

LOVEDAY Well, I can't.

 

MORRIS We know you discovered it.

 

LOVEDAY I want the credit. And the royalties.

 

MORRIS Okay, I'll let you find out what's causing everyone to go mad, then you can back the government's 'Keep Sane, Keep Rich' campaign.

 

LOVEDAY I'm not political.

 

MORRIS You bloody cop out - why help us then?

 

LOVEDAY I'm helping humanity - not your lot.

 

MORRIS  Fuckin' poofy scientists.

 

LOVEDAY I'm just a lucky GP, in the right place at the right time.

 

MORRIS You make it sound like a record deal.

 

LOVEDAY I was thinking about that - could you swing me a few contacts? I want to produce a  -

 

MORRIS I think you've produced enough.

 

LOVEDAY Are you accusing me of creating oxygen seventy-five? You think I've found a cure?

 

MORRIS You're holding out, you smug bastard; but we've got no choice. We're going to offer you Crowie's job. We need civil servants, especially with military training.

 

LOVEDAY It's all about breathing techniques and how not to breathe too much. Regular oxygen baths help, too.

 

MORRIS You know much an oxygen bath costs? I'll get my secretary in here - Miss Pleecas. (Into a watch-walkie-talkie.)Miss Pleecassss!...MISS PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEECASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!...Miss Pleecas?

 

PLEECAS(off, through walkie-talkie: hearing her vomit, then suddenly orgasms.)

 

MORRIS MISS PLEECAS?

 

MISS PLEECAS enters, dressed as a Viking, carrying a huge dossier that she throws at MORRIS,    sending the papers everywhere. She laughs like Woody Woodpecker, the        jumps around the office, the table collapsing and a bluster of files going everywhere. MORRIS gets up and goes to slap MISS PLEECAS, but stops, he breaks down, crying,     tugging at LOVEDAY.

 

MORRIS You see what I have to deal with?

 

LOVEDAY Odd, isn't it?

 

MORRIS No, not at all - I just can't...Can't...

 

LOVEDAY You want to go mad?

 

MORRIS Yes, imagine all the things I'd get for free?

 

LOVEDAY You might as well lose it, I'll take over your job.

 

MORRIS This is a dream come true! Thank you Loveday!

 

MISS PLEECAS is howling like a wolf and has taken her furs off and has a khaki bikini     underneath; MORRIS rips off  part of his wetsuit; he, also, wears a bikini, but a            garish pastel coloured one usually worn by trannies. Over his fashion faux pas, we see his raw peeling flesh, blood pouring from old wounds. Both MORRIS and MISS PLEECAS howl like wolves.

 

LOVEDAY(smiles, sitting back, relishes MORRIS' collapse.) You know, I had a dream I would fool everyone in government and take over very powerful jobs.

 

MORRIS and MISS PLEECAS howl, trying to chase their imaginary tails.

 

LOVEDAY You didn't see this happening - did you?

 

LOVEDAY takes out a biro gun, and points it at MORRIS and PLEECAS. Sudden strobe, as we hear the sound of a computer key being hit too hard making a long drawn out beeping noise; darkness, as the sound fades.

 

Part five: DEATH-FEAR (a para)

The house, near the dingy toilet.

TINNY suddenly comes back to life; she's still gagged. We see CROWIE burst in, smashing the old wizened door. TINNY struggles to break free, but CROWIE clumsily, as he seems to have some problems co-ordinating, smashes the milkcrate cot and rips off her bounds, and gag. She coughs, looking at him. He hands her a plastic bottle of urine. She guzzles it, as CROWIE sways, caked in blood. We hear gunshots from outside; CROWIE smiles (or tries to.) TINNY kisses him gently on his decaying cheek, getting a mouthful of dried, charred,  flesh.

 

CROWIE URGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHERRRRRRRRRRRR

 

TINNY(wiping her mouth, chomping some flesh.) Thanks bro. You saved me, right?

 

CROWIE exits, we hear a blaze of machine gun fire. COLONEL PTERAS and DOCTOR TOSST enter, looking bloodied and haggard. PTERAS carries a huge cardboard gun, which is ridiculously large. TOSST examines TINNY, copping a feel; he smiles. So does TINNY.

 

TINNY  He had to help me. And himself. 

 

TOSST He'd gone mad - he was a government man, but he breathed too much, he was in decay, a zombie anyway.

 

PTERAS Killed most of us before we got him again. Bloody tough fuck.

 

TINNY He was my only friend. He could've saved Loveday, too.

 

PTERAS You know doctor Loveday?

 

TOSST(looking around.) This is doctor Loveday's lab?

 

TINNY Yes, I'm his research assistant. He created Oxygen seventy-five. It's not really real, it's more of a drug-weapon. It just makes people think they're mad, but they're not. He released a fraction of it into the atmosphere, but it's environmentally friendly and a bit of a cheap trick.

 

TOSST(morose.) That was a lot of info in one go. Need to sleep now. I could just SPARZZZ OUT! HAH! (Tries to swallow lots of TicTacs and capsules of an unknown origin; they fall everywhere.) I love these minty things, really sort me out, calm my frayed nerves! These other things aren't bad either!

 

PTERAS Yeah, I missed most of your science bit, doc. Sorry, I wasn't really listenin'. But we better catch up with this Loveday guy.

 

TOSST Yes, we better. I'd like some asparagus. Weird to say, but I'd settle for a cauliflower.

 

TINNY I know everything about his project.

 

TOSST Will you help us? I need good hard veg! And we need to make the world sane again. We have to come as one!

 

TINNY Yeah su -

 

PTERAS(reading them off a calculator; TINNY looks at them both weirdly.) New orders, sir.

 

TOSST What?

 

PTERAS From the new head of operations, Doctor Loveday.

 

TOSST Damn! He moves quick - what a smooth operator! I think I'm developing a crush.  I bet he's got a fragrance out.

 

PTERAS We better ignore this.

 

TOSST He'll want Crowie's remains - he's a genius!

 

PTERAS We've only got dust!

 

TOSST He won't believe us - he'll think we're mad! (Giggles.) I mean - what are we like?!

 

TINNY Crowie's tough, he'll be back.

 

TOSST He didn't get away though. Did he?

 

TINNY I kno'.

 

TOSST What's happened to him?

 

TINNY Loveday Mind-fixed him.

 

TOSST This is getting technical for me. You're fucking with my head. I think we better report back.

 

PTERAS But it's just me and you.

 

TOSST We might as well go AWOL then.

 

PTERAS No, they'll think we're mad and send a mad team after us.

 

TOSST We are the M.A.D. team, Godammit!

 

PTERAS  No! Another one! You drive me -

 

TOSST No don't - we better stop breathing for a bit.

 

PTERAS I can't.

 

            TOSST and PTERAS hold their breath, struggling not to breathe.

 

TINNY You shit heads, it doesn't exist - it's not here.

 

PTERAS(shocked, out of breath.) What?

 

TINNY It's a stunt.

 

TOSST Things have fallen apart quickly, I suppose.

 

TINNY Let me help you to destroy his reserve.

 

TOSST(to TINNY) We don't know where it is - do you?

 

PTERAS Hell no! I FUCKIN' (TOSST clamps his hand over PTERAS' mouth.) Ummmmshiiiiiii...

 

TINNY I do.

 

PTERAS(forcing TOSST'S hand away, biting his fingers)...Does anyone know?

 

TINNY Yeah, I -

 

PTERAS It's unreal! He's undefeated. He'll track us down.  I think we should turn the infidel in.

 

TINNY He listening to me?

 

PTERAS(solemnly) I think we've been on the road too long. (Giggles.) Oh my, I gotta head rush! Another dizzy spell.

 

TOSST I thought those kids were funny - what a strange language?

 

PTERAS They'd lost it, the gun was final. You got a knife, I'll getta gun!

 

TOSST It was fair, they had bottles. Made of glass. Ummmm. Naughty,very bad. Bad manners, init.

 

PTERAS(panics) SHIIIIIIT!! I'm running out of ammo. Thought I was gonna Buster Bloodvessel! (To his gun, licking it clean, licking it like bone. TOSST shakes his head, suddenly spasms into a Morris dance.) Crowie was tough.

 

TINNY Shit - he's the only one who can help me. You two are fucked.

 

TOSST(trying to get TINNY to dance with him, he talks to himself though.) Tired? Yes! Fucked? I dunno. Not for a while, luvvamon!

 

TINNY(gettings tressed, backing away and trying to prize TOSST'S hands off her) Shut up and sleep then.

 

PTERAS Who will keep watch?

 

TINNY(into PTERAS' ear) Give me your gun.

 

PTERAS But...But  -

 

TOSST(Austrian accent) Do it. COME ON! DO IT!

 

PTERAS Okay. (Hands TINNY a banana, giggling.) There.

 

TOSST(annoyed, very clearly to PTERAS.) The gun, Pteras.(Fake sneeze but says:) WANK-STAIN!

 

PTERAS(still giggly.) Oh, sorry - I gave me banana! - silly sod, aren't I?

 

TOSST No, you're not. The gun. We must sleep.

 

PTERAS(points the gun at TINNY and TOSST.) DUN'T YOO ZUCKAZ MO' - TINK I'M ZILLEEEE? OOH I FOOL YAHZ BIGTIME TINGZ, BLAPZYAHZ, OH YEEEEEEEH!

           

            PTERAS spits a huge phelgm-ball which he slips on, then looks around, as if some invisible person pushed him.

 

TOSST(to TINNY.) He's speaking like the gang of kids we slayed; must've been a thousand of them, getting lippy. He's probably scarred by it. They were all over twelve though, so it's a reasonable genocide. They would've been a lost generation anyway. And think of the benefits to population control. It's all fine, he's fine.

 

TINNY He's lost it.

 

TOSST Maybe your right, little one. He can't handle that Oxygen seventy-five is made up; he's devoted his life to its cause.

 

TINNY And you?

 

TOSST I wanted to find out more, as a scientist-explorer, of course. I masturbate when I watch Ray Mears. I said that out loud didn't I? Pretend you didn't hear me. But I will say this:  I think O-seventy-five is a cure more than a disease. People have always struggled with budgeting. It's all bollocks, isn't it?

 

TINNY Yeah, you're right.

 

PTERAS(foaming at the mouth, he takes out more whipped creams, squrting it into his mouth, spitting it over TINNY and TOSST) STOP TALKIN' 'BOUT ME! STOP IT! STOP IT! SHUDDAUPYERFACE! SHUDDUP!

 

TOSST Regression should get him now.

 

TINNY Why don't he shoot himself?

 

TOSST He thinks he's in his own reality TV show; it's all very sad.

 

PTERAS You think I'm scared of that, you think I'm scared of death?   

 

TINNY We gotta get outta here, doc!

 

PTERAS I'll eat my fuckin' gun. (Starts to chomp into his cardboard gun, trying to look tough; he flexes his muscles, then suddenly holds his stomach. ) OOH! ARRRGH, SHIT! You poisoned my gun...( His eyes well with tears, his lip quivers) You... you, nice people!

 

            PTERAS collapses, crying and then slivers around on the floor, writhing in pain, trying to bite them.   

 

TINNY(kicks PTERAS in the head, he passes out.) Fucker. Let's move, I'll show you where the rest of the Oxygen seventy-five is.

 

TOSST(smiling, drooling slightly, wipes his mouth with a used tissue.) Please do.

 

            TINNY and TOSST exit, leaving PTERAS. SURGEON-SOLDIERS enter in white bio-chemical suits, scanning the room with calculators. They drag PTERAS away.

 

Part six: FEAR OF FEAR.

PTERAS has been tied down in a patio chair, in the house. The SURGEON-SOLDIERS now wear kids’ Halloween masks: we see WEREWOLF, FOX, FROG, and GHOUL. LOVEDAY enters, we see PTERAS is mumbling to himself, laughing occasionally; but he snaps out of it as soon as he sees LOVEDAY.

 

LOVEDAY Nice trick, kid.

 

PTERAS I'm sorry - I thought it might fool you.

 

LOVEDAY Nope. Saw it on the tel-blog-web. I'm sussed.

 

PTERAS  I can tell. I like your suit.

 

LOVEDAY Cheers. Okay, folks, get out the graters.

 

            GHOUL and FROG grab cheese graters and put them over PTERAS'S wrists. PTERAS laughs.

 

LOVEDAY You're a cheeseball. A big, hairy, cheeseball.

 

PTERAS But I'm crazy...(Thinking.) I think, I dunno.

 

LOVEDAY No you're fine. Grate him.

 

            GHOUL and FROG grate. PTERAS' wrists, he screams like mad, laughing occasionally.

 

PTERAS SHE'S COME BACK! SHE'S COME BACK! She's...come...back

 

LOVEDAY What?

 

PTERAS She...yeah.

 

            GHOUL and FROG keep grating PTERAS' wrists, he's passed out, caked in blood and bits of flesh.

 

LOVEDAY Burn him in acid. He's infected.

 

            WEREWOLF and FOX lift PTERAS up, making him stand , pushing GHOUL and FROG. They all urinate on PTERAS; he screams, like he's dissolving. LOVEDAY turns away, crying.

 

LOVEDAY Shit...she's good. 

 

Part seven: YET MORE POINTLESS FEAR

TINNY is tied up, in the house, near the dingy toilet; her head is covered in margarine, blood coming from her nose. TOSST is smiling, breathing in a canister of oxygen. He laughs, as he exhales, rolling around on the floor. TINNY comes round.

 

TINNY You're fucked too, I gotta get you!

 

TOSST HAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

 

TINNY I thought you were against him, I thought you -

 

TOSST I do, child. I do. I wll get my power, I will control the world. In my world.

 

TINNY I don't hate you, untie me. Let me kill him for you.

 

TOSST(smiling.) Not more fear, no not more.

 

            We hear WEREWOLF howling. FOX bangs on a door, we see him peering through a window. We hear scratching, then the loading of clips into uzi's.  

 

TINNY Let me go, I know the exit.

 

TOSST I will gas them.

 

TINNY They know it's not real.

 

TOSST Do they? Do they?

 

TINNY Yes.

 

TOSST So it's not a cure - I'm mad?

 

TINNY I think so. But you're all right at the mo.

 

TOSST I am, aren't I?

 

TINNY Let me go - can you handle 'em?

 

TOSST I'll see. Go. (Unties TINNY; wipes the margarine from her head.) I will see you again.

 

TINNY Thought you'd say that.

 

TINNY crawls through a ventilation grid.  TOSST laughs as WEREWOLF and FOX get in carrying environmentally friendly turd-guns, guns made of shit that fire shit.            TOSST laughs at them, they take off there masks to reveal mutated scarred faces (that are masks). They hug TOSST, he smiles.    

 

TOSST We've gotta get a Loveday.

 

            FOX and WEREWOLF bow down to TOSST, kissing his feet; TOSST stretches his arms out parallel, as if he's about to be crucified.

 

Part eight: SICKIE-FEAR

LOVEDAY trashes the office in the middle of the house, kicking down the partition throwing the papers up intot he air, out everywhere, looking for something. 

 

LOVEDAY Damn this...I think I need a new drug...a new plan... Yes, I know! I need my dead army. I need -

 

            GHOUL and FROG enter, looking drunk, both cling to each other, they have tubes hanging off them.

 

LOVEDAY You didn't touch...My word! (Smiling, really pleased.) Is everyone going mental here!

 

GHOUL Funny huh?

 

LOVEDAY I'm gonna kill you clones.

 

GHOUL Daddy?

 

LOVEDAY SHUT UP! Where are the other fuck ups?

 

GHOUL(chuckling.) Daddy's gotta temper.

 

FROG Sure has.

 

GHOUL Yah lady friend survived.

 

LOVEDAY Kill it, kill it!

 

GHOUL Why?

 

LOVEDAY  To make my appointment official, of course. It'll be a  conspiracy theory for the public.

 

GHOUL They're all in pens now. There isn't any more public-shit.

 

LOVEDAY I was looking for oxygen seventy-seven.

 

GHOUL Really?

 

FROG (laughing.)

 

GHOUL This shit? (Holding a canister the tubes and mask attached to it.) Tasty huh?

 

LOVEDAY You silly boys! Silly, silly, silly!

 

GHOUL It's okay, you can join us.

 

LOVEDAY Okay, I don't know your real name, mister ghoul maskie.

 

GHOUL I could be a zombie, too?

 

LOVEDAY I kno, but I cloned you -

 

FROG Really? REALLY!

 

LOVEDAY  Well, I can't prove it now - if I find the file, I'll show you, but we must use this to save -

 

FROG But we control tha world.

 

GHOUL We're an elite now - we're not gonna let thin's go back.

 

LOVEDAY Damn  - you're right. Shit - I'm shocked.

 

GHOUL Don't fuck aroun'.

 

FROG We don't like Werewolf and Fox.

 

LOVEDAY We should kill them?

 

FROG No - jus cut 'em off.

 

LOVEDAY I think I'll build a space ship.

 

FROG He's a genuis, he must've built us!

 

GHOUL You're too young, Froggie, you know he's kiddin' us.

 

LOVEDAY Where's my magic carpet gone?

 

GHOUL Okay, so you have powers, Loveday, but can you make the world ours?

 

LOVEDAY It already is, dear boy, already is. Is Pteras neutralised?

 

GHOUL I want to marry it.

 

FROG We'll keep it as a sex-toy.

 

LOVEDAY Well yes, good idea, yes, a slave. What have you done to him?

 

FROG In the hold.

 

LOVEDAY Did you cover his anus in margarine?

 

GHOUL It's all red raw, all sore. She'll be wantin' to go home.

 

LOVEDAY Are you sure, it is a soldier, pretending to be a man, but is really a woman; but it might look like a woman to you, but - here's the radical bit, boys - this woman is really a bloke. (To FROG.) A man.  You see, it might not be her after all, huh?

 

GHOUL Don't care now. We jus like a pluggin'.

 

LOVEDAY I see. So this soldier could in fact be a man.

 

GHOUL I dunno.

 

LOVEDAY So you've gone crazy?

 

GHOUL I'm a clone, I think. What does it say on my receipt? I probably need a new brain.

 

FROG Me too!

 

LOVEDAY Damn soldiers - I can't get the support.

 

GHOUL We're not gonna get taken out - we're too tough.

 

LOVEDAY No - there might be counter-elites forming, trying to reach the teat of power. I know they're not all dealt with.

 

GHOUL We'll purge them.

 

LOVEDAY Be careful.

 

GHOUL You take care.

 

FROG(giggles.)

 

GHOUL and FROG exit. LOVEDAY looks scared, he wipes sweat from his brow.  TINNY enters from a wall, staring at LOVEDAY.

 

LOVEDAY You!

 

TINNY You better watch out, they're all losin' it. They're obsessive. The disease is now a cure, it's all one symptom.

 

LOVEDAY Do you need a new brain?

 

TINNY Let me mind-wipe Pteras. He'll be tough, he'll cover for us, take a bullet or two.

 

LOVEDAY Of course, scheming! Fight madness with madness. It'll cancel the other out, and I'll, get oxygen seventy-seven off Ghoul and Frog. They're ruining they're brains, even though they were already ruined. Always the way, I suppose it makes no difference.  And I don't like reformin' brain tissue, sends me to sleep.

 

TINNY  I believed you about the star ship.

 

LOVEDAY I know.  Come - let's get Pteras - he's in the hold. I know where star ship is. 

 

            LOVEDAY and TINNY hold hands and exit, going outside.

 

Part nine: FUCK OFF FEAR

It's a sunny day, inside the house we see TOSST in robes, a crown made of his own briefs - a heavy skid mark in the middle; WEREWOLF and FOX hold silver platters of soiled underwear covered in hard excrement. They still hold their turd-guns.

 

TOSST Disciples - hear me...When I say hear me I mean listen...to the sounds of me...the words of sounds, the sound of these words. I am not crazy I am sane. This will bring us back order. I now want some crisps and some Tizer. We must praise the self-god of skid mark.

 

WEREWOLF We shall salvage, and bring the starship.

 

TOSST I also want the other oxygen forms: we must have total power.

 

FOX Easily done, Ghoul and Frog will be hear soon and we shall seize power of the Loveday.

 

TOSST They will lead us to him, like lil' Judas's.

 

FOX We know no Judas - no we don't -

 

TOSST Shut up - we've got to praise the cult of the poor little rich girl and make sure we find a breeder.

 

FOX I want to be a woman.

 

TOSST I know of a woman, Loveday's research assistant. We shall plough her field, soon.

 

FOX Good, good.

 

WEREWOLF Got all horny.

 

FOX Shouldn't we all be foxy?

 

WEREWOLF I kno' it  - we can trust other surgeons.

 

FOX Ghoul likes pain though.

 

TOST He shall be the guardian of evil - we need evil to guard evil that is why we should praise Satan also.

 

WEREWOLF Yeh wha' ever.

 

TOSST We'll get the new oxygen and get really wasted.

 

FOX Remember Calippo's?

 

TOSST Shame all's been destroyed.

 

FOX No, there's a burnt out seven eleven near here - come on you.

 

WEREWOLF We won't be long, need some smokes too.

 

FOX Let's go - quick.

 

WEREWOLF and FOX exit, quickly, leaving the platters of soiled underwear near TOSST who sniffs them in a manic ecstasy. He laughs.

 

TOSST I have you, I will save the world from the skids - we worship the shit to rise from it, to be better, stronger! This is evolution! This is a shit-lution.

 

            GHOUL and FROG enter, laughing at TOSST.

 

TOSST Hello kiddies, come closer.

 

GHOUL Are you the new director-general.

 

TOSST I hath cometh.

 

GHOUL Huh?

 

TOSST(jubilantly.) I've come in my pants, praise this new world.

 

GHOUL It's shit?     

 

FROG It could be worse.

 

TOSST Stop speaking like marketing people, we must stop this rot! We must stop this vile palsy. We must get more commercial to relate. I really wanna bowl of Coco Pops.

 

FROG I know - we all want some normality.

 

TOSST Can I sample the new oxygen?

 

FROG I think we've had it all.

 

GHOUL(drooling.) We're still mad, Loveday set us up.

 

TOSST Can you tell if it was a placebo.

 

GHOUL I dunno. I'm just pleased we survived the madness.

 

TOSST You know I've heard Crowie is still alive.

 

GHOUL My word, that bureaucrat will book us all.

 

TOSST I kno -- it's exciting!

 

GHOUL I dunno. Shall we fuck around?

 

TOSST Not with me.

 

FROG This is daft.

 

TOSST Hand me this oxygen, let me geta  breath of fresh air.

 

FROG hands the canister and mask, and tubes to TOSST, who greedily inhales it through the tube, taking the masks at the other end, wearing it. He loves it he's addicted. 

 

TOSST(dancing.)  You must take of your masks. I've never felt better - you must feel normal?

 

GHOUL I do. How funny!

 

FROG How's Fox and that Wolf-bloke?

 

TOSST Fine, fine! Scavenging like rats, I suppose.

 

GHOUL Cool, cool.  We should take advantage.

 

TOSST Do as you will, you are free - your own masters. Take off your masks.

 

            GHOUL and FROG take off their masks and we see their scarred faces.

 

TOSST And you're cured CURED! GO! NOW! Take off those wounds!

 

GHOUL and FROG start taking off some bandages from their wounds, GHOUL pulls out some stitches forcefully. They smear the soiled underwear, sniffing it greedily and jump joining TOSST in his dance as they all laugh, sniffing his skid mark, getting euphoric. We hear some drilling, and explosions, then planes soaring through the thrashing of a severe gale and thunderstorms. The sound subsides as we hear it sounding someone playing the spoons; they keep dancing; it's sunny again.

 

TOSST That was a lark! Go on then you're free. Scram! Shoo!

 

GHOUL Wow, we're free, shit thazz wicked.

 

TOSST Fuckin' A, innit.

 

FROG We're not mad? Come on, let's get some berries.

 

GHOUL Can I live with you – halves on rent?

 

FROG Sure mate.

 

            GHOUL and FROG wander off, holding hands. LOVEDAY enters with TINNY.

 

TOSST HAH! You, you, YOU! We meet!

 

FOX and WEREWOLF enter with broken carrier bags full of junk. They drop them, looking scared at LOVEDAY, snarling.

 

LOVEDAY I will tell you the star ship location if you don't torture us. We fear the skid mark cult and we fear you Tosst.

 

TOSST But why? I am a the director general there for the little guys as well as the big ones.

 

LOVEDAY what did you o to Pteras? where is he?

 

            TOSST laughs, he's in hysterics.

 

TINNY Come on let's all work together. And you need Loveday to find the ship.

 

TOSST(stop laughing, serious in an a instant.) There isn't one - is there Loveday.

 

TINNY Loveday?

 

            Pause; everyone closes in around LOVEDAY, who smiles.

 

LOVEDAY I...I'm -

 

TOSST(cocksure.) See I know you Loveday! Like me, eh? The power-seeker, the pleasure-saur. But I'm nt a triceratops doctor, am I?

 

LOVEDAY(sullen, annoyed.) How did you know?

 

TOSST I have a dirty site on my webby, I know. I can imagine the pain you'e fearing. We're all savages now.

 

LOVEDAY No thanks to people like you believing in Oxygen seventy-five. And is that seventy-seven?

 

TOSST I like your air, I like you. but I will enjoy seeing you suffer. You fooled us all. We thought it was good, but everyone done some mess. They ruined themselves, they all destroyed themselves. Werewolf, Fox, kill them both.

 

WERWOLF But he's a creator. He's the gene man.

 

TOSST You not clones, he's all spin, all twaddle.

 

LOVEDAY I can help you with the star ship.

 

TOSST STOP TALKIN' ABOUT SOMETHIN' THA' DOESN'T EXIST - NOW I AM GOD AND YOU WILL BE PART OF MY REGIME! OKAY?

 

LOVEDAY So you were never mad?

 

TOSST No but the air is making me super human. try to stab me, go on, I've got a knife! (Takes out a rusty nail file.) Stab me, go on! I'm invincible!

 

LOVEDAY(scared.) No.

 

TOSST Tinny, go on - didn't I say we'd meet again and you can go down in the new history books as a Princip.

 

TINNY I'm a  woman - I'm not a priest, but I don't get you Tosst. I thought we could co-operate.

 

TOSST Big word, mumsy.

 

TINNY I was mad then.

 

TOSST But it was you who convinced me of its power. You convinced me Loveday was right and this was a seller! You were right, lovey.  YOU! I TRUSTED YOU!

 

TINNY MAYBE I WAS FUCKIN' WRONG!

 

TOSST(trying to slit his wrists with the rusty nail file; WEREWOLF and  FOX laugh.) NO! I CAN'T...NO!

 

TINNY Let's get some civlisation back, yeh? And get inside. Look, yah look like shite, yah all wet'n'smelly'n' -

 

TOSST This is the way of the world. I am nature. I feel it.

 

TINNY It's what you think you feel.

 

TOSST I loved you.

 

LOVEDAY Were you with him to trap me?

 

TINNY I was gonna sell you out. I can't afford my rent - I kno' bills'n'shit don't exist now! - but, at the time, I was in a  real bad debt, so I used my body. It's all cool, init. 

 

LOVEDAY To sell me out?

 

TINNY It was only because I believed in you. My parents were right - research sucks.

 

LOVEDAY But I thought we were... I -

 

WEREWOLF(to TOSST.) Can we get out of  here for a smoke boss?

 

TOSST I asked you to kill him!

 

FOX(pushing TOSST, prodding him.) Yo, pantie-boy! We kill who we want okay? We're doing this for survival, right?

 

WEREWOLF I go with the flow, mate.

 

FOX Where's Ghoul'n'Frog? What've you done to 'em?

 

TOSST(laughing, drooling.)

 

FOX (grabs TOSST and pulls his pants off his head an stuffs them into his mouth, TOSST gulps as FOX punches him shaking him.) WHERE THE FUCK ARE THEY YOU FUCKING -

 

            TINNY and WEREWOLF try to pull FOX off TOSST, but FOX is really tough. 

 

LOVEDAY(smiles.) Look, he can't speak if he's got under garments down his throat.

 

WEREWOLF, TINNY and FOX look baffled, as if they don't get the joke. They look at LOVEDAY as if he's mad, and FOX lets go of TOSST. TOSST has passed out; he still clasps the canister of oxygen seventy-seven. 

 

WEREWOLF What now?

 

LOVEDAY I'll send a signal to the ship and you help Mr Tosst come round - we're gonna need him.

 

TINNY We are?

 

WEREWOLF (lights a smoke.) He's crazy.

 

LOVEDAY I know - but he's full of air. He just had all my back up supply for my escape pod.

 

FOX You mad to?

 

LOVEDAY Maybe, but I have cloned. You may or may not be my offspring; but you can make that choice for yourself.

 

TINNY I trusted you.

 

LOVEDAY I know. But I can never trust you again.

 

TINNY I done it cos you'd never let me in.

 

LOVEDAY It's just my way - you already were in.

 

TINNY So the sex games were all pointless!

 

LOVEDAY Hey - I was a good lion though wasn't I? I loved that, we really went for it then.

 

TINNY I know.

 

LOVEDAY Always were a good kid.

 

TINNY I'm not a kid.

 

LOVEDAY Oh aren't you?

 

TINNY This isn't Dick Tracy.

 

LOVEDAY Damn, I love Dick Tracy! Tell me to go and suck an egg? Go on, I'll pay you?

 

TINNY I know. It's easy money. But you're more Cool McCool.

 

LOVEDAY(laughs.) I have no idea what you are on about, kid! I love young people, they're so thick and interesting. I'm going to fuck you up so good! I love that whole fucked over generation we left behind. Come on, let's eat - I have found some food; it just needs heating. (LOVEDAY produces some dog food from a pillowcase.) Here, there's only a few. 

 

            LOVEDAY distributes the cans of dog food to TINNY ,WEREWOLF and FOX.

 

FOX Me and Wolfy will get wood.

 

            WEREWOLF hands his smoke to FOX and they trudge off.

 

FOX Goddamn rations now huh? 

 

TINNY What did you want Tosst for?

 

LOVEDAY I should kill you and Tosst.

 

TINNY You wouldn't?

 

LOVEDAY Me? No, I'm a sentimentalist.

 

TINNY Really?

 

LOVEDAY No, but you fucked with my life's work. But I know you liked it really. You believed in it as you always believed in me. But I'm a failure. It's my other sides that have made me.

 

TINNY Other sides?

 

LOVEDAY I need to ask Tosst where Pteras is. I needed him as a lackey. He had the perfect mentality and thought himself to be a shit. But, as always, an ever-ready action freak. Was he on speed, you reckon?

 

TINNY I dunno.

 

We hear screams. PTERAS covered in margarine and blood, his wrists bloodied, he's dying he growls holding a solid stick of margarine. He drags the corpses of GHOUL        and FROG pushing them on top of TOSST.

 

PTERAS Aren't yah helpin' me?

 

TINNY(checking him out.) Shit, he's a real action hero.

 

LOVEDAY(clapping.) What presence, eh?

 

TINNY I should be fuckin' him.

 

LOVEDAY Well, he needs medical attention.

 

TINNY You're a doctor?

 

LOVEDAY Yes, I am aren't I.

 

TINNY  Can ya help him?

 

LOVEDAY(shaking his head, winking.) You could be on my ship?

 

TINNY Save him - he's gone crazy and he's probably even crazier now.

 

LOVEDAY Impossible! Crazy is crazier, isn' it

 

TINNY Well, help him. 

 

LOVEDAY(helping PTERAS position the bloodied corpses of WEREWOLF and FOX on top of TOSST, as if it is a sculpture or a photo-shoot.) Suicide is good economics.

 

PTERAS Thanks for your help, doctor.

 

LOVEDAY That's fine.

 

PTERAS Savages tried to kill me. I'll never forget what they done to me.

 

LOVEDAY I'm sure.

 

PTERAS I will still need revenge though.

 

LOVEDAY How about I offer you a new job.

 

PTERAS Is that dog food?

 

LOVEDAY It's food, isn't it?

 

PTERAS Is this the future?

 

LOVEDAY Travel with me, visit the stars?

 

PTERAS(swaying, looking ill,exhausted.) Stars, yes, stars.

 

PTERAS falls onto the heap of bodies. We hear a groan, as we see a dazed TOSST trying to push his way out of the corpses, a muffled scream, he spits outs his soggy soiled briefs. 

 

TOSST I'm still alive? I survived the end?

 

LOVEDAY There is no end for me.

 

TOSST Huh?

 

LOVEDAY(points a laser pen up in the air.) I have to go soon.

 

            CROWIE bursts in, covered in mud blood and looking like a zombie, wounded several times. He holds a turd-gun.

 

LOVEDAY Crowie, don't, please. You're working yourself to death.

 

CROWIE I'm sorry Loveday, I've gotta secure the area - I'm doin my -

 

            Suddenly we see a huge bright multi-coloured light, LOVEDAY smiles.

 

LOVEDAY I have to go now Tinny, my work here is done. Re-build with Crowie, he's a good guy, really.

 

TOSST What about me?

 

LOVEDAY Come on then, boyo.

 

    TOSST scrambles out of the corpses, and crawls towards LOVEDAY, clinging on to him, scared of CROWIE.

 

TOSST You really do control the dead, my word.

 

LOVEDAY Good bye, Tinny; good bye, Crowie.

 

TOSST and LOVEDAY walk into the light, we hear a thousand deafening screams, CROWIE and TINNY collapse, holding their ears, screaming also, writhing in pain.  WEREWOLF, GHOUL, FOX and FROG get up, taking the away junk and the platters of soiled underwear, as they dance away PTERAS is left on the floor, TINNY tries to            reach him. The light fades, changing colours, a powerful pink, to jade, to a weird multi-coloured melee, the screams fade, to gasps of breath as if someone cannot breathe or is getting strangled. TINNY tries to scream, but she's too weak; she reaches out for PTERAS and CROWIE.   

 

Part ten: FEAR OF THE  SKID MARK REQUIEM.

The house, we see it is antiquated, looking like some old convalscence home. We see CROWIE messily covered in wadding slumped in chair; PTERAS is propped on a zimmer-frame, struggling to take his weight. TINNY wakes up in asleeping bag which has been tied up. TINNY wakes up struggling, she struggles for some time, but cannot get free. CROWIE groans; PTERAS is dead.

 

CROWIE Uuuuuuuerrrrrrrmmmmmmmmuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

 

TINNY Crowie?

 

CROWIE Uurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrmmmmmmrrrrrrrrrrmmmmmmm

 

TINNY Thank you for savin' me Crowie.

 

CROWIE Uuuuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!

 

TINNY It's okay.

 

CROWIE (laughs, weak.)

 

TINNY(slight smile.) We survived it.

 

            We see SURGEONS enter, faces covered, wearing disposable clothing. They laugh at PTERAS,   examining him briefly.

 

SURGEON ONE We'll probe 'im later

 

SURGEON TWO Wha'ver.

 

SURGEON THREE She's okay.

 

SURGEON ONE(to TINNY.) We had to restrain, it was an improvisation - the meidcation wouldn't wear off. (Beat.) you okay? Get her some water?

 

SURGEON FOUR(smiling; to SURGEON ONE.) Shit, this one's still kickin'

 

TINNY Leave 'im alone.

 

            SURGEON TWO has poured a plastic cup from a plastic bottle of water, attached to his side.

 

SURGEON ONE(taking the cup off SURGEON TWO, throws the cup over TINNY, she coughs.) Still thirsty?

 

SURGEON TWO (chuckling.) Definitely awake now.

 

SURGEON THREE Wha' shall do with tha dead uns?

 

SURGEON FOUR I'll contact the new batch.

 

SURGEON ONE Thank you,doctor.

 

TINNY Where's Tosst, and Loveday? WHERE THA FUCK ARE THEY! WHERE -

 

SURGEON THREE(trying to cover TINNY'S mouth, and restrains her.) Not again!

 

SURGEON ONE get the sedatives ready, we'll knock her a two-fifty, I reckon.

 

SURGEON TWO(taking out packets of pills, dropping some on the floor) Naughty naughty!

 

TINNY(bites SURGEON THREE'S hand that is covering her mouth; SURGEON THREE screams) TELL ME ABOUT LOVEDAY!

 

SURGEON ONE Who?

 

TINNY What's happened to Doc Loveday and doctor tosst?

 

SURGEON TWO Who they?

 

SURGEON THREE Consultants?

 

SURGEON TWO Are they?

 

SURGEON THREE You know?

 

SURGEON FOUR Nope.

 

SURGEON ONE Actually, wasn't there a Loveday transferred to another wing?

 

SURGEON FOUR Doctor or pateint?

 

SURGEON THREE Very good - but this Loveday must've been her doctor.

 

TINNY I work for him, I'm his research assistant.

 

SURGEON FOUR Okay.

 

SURGEON ONE So you had a crush on him? A dream? you dreamt you were his -

 

TINNY No, I'm his research assistant; he has great power, his star ship is called Triceratops, and -

 

SURGEON TWO (taking out some pills.) Take these and -

 

TINNY(slapping the pills out of his hand.) Fuck 'em, and  fuck yah!

 

            The SURGEONS laugh.

 

SURGEON TWO(picking a couple of pills off the floor and pocketing them.) Oh dear, I've dropped more pills.

 

SURGEON THREE So, you were his research assistant?

 

TINNY And doctor Tosst was his nemesis, but they now work together - for good.

 

SURGEON FOUR Okay, fine, we'll look into it. You rest up, dear.

 

            TINNY closes her eyes, resting.

 

SURGEON ONE(looking at CROWIE.) We should get this one to intensive care now 

 

            SURGEON THREE and FOUR support CROWIE  to stand, gingerly as he walks slowly.

 

SURGEON ONE How did they all get like this, though?

 

SURGEON TWO I dunno. She's completely lost her memory, very apocalyptic, how cliched; but she's fucked.

 

SURGEON ONE Maybe. Or maybe she remembers everything? Were we there? I recognise her.

 

SURGEON TWO Fuck off, y'know what things are like!  She'll never get out! 

 

SURGEON ONE and SURGEON TWO drag PTERAS'S corpse, blood dripping onto them, as they exit. TINNY cries, then tries to smile, and sees a pill, and slithers towards it,   trying to lick it off the floor.  

Impressum

Texte: Colin Peterson
Cover: Colin Peterson
Tag der Veröffentlichung: 31.10.2013

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Widmung:
To the random readers -- young and old. Do not give up, no matter what industry sleazes tell you. Also, dedicated to George, whatever you're up to now, it's been a good show, old boy!