Inhalt
NOT SO SHORT SHORTS BY GEORGE O'SULLIVAN AND COLIN PETERSON
CONTENTS:
[1] THE TRANSITION TRAP
[2] A BRIEF GUIDE TO THE PREHISTORIC STARLIGHT SPIRIT WORLD MACHINE
[3] WAITING FOR THE WAITER
[4] SAFE PLAY
[5] KIOSK
Note[before the other note]:
We did try to get the italics and bold all figured out here on BookRix - oddly, when we click on them nothing happens - but I suppose we're having a slight technical issue; it's nothing to do with BookRix,we're thinking how our browser has been a bit iffy since some update went a bit weird. We will try to fix it though and will obviously revise it, to make it clearer. But they are all still pretty short; all wriitten for various little fringe events, short play festivals, or to be performed as standalone skits
[1]THE TRANSITION TRAP
by O'SULLIVAN and PETERSON
Another Note: this piece was given its first rehearsed reading at The Broadway Barking on 29th April 2010, as part of 'Script This'[where Esther Cleverly's piece 'Line Up' won the popular vote of the audience]. We would like to thank everyone there; and for supporting our curiously medicated foibles. We're very much encouraged by the creative team in situ there. And this was the first piece, written by us, that has been selected for any kind of reading in front of a live auidence.
It's taken us an entire decade, but we finally got an open-minded platform somewhere. We're very supportive, too, and we encourage others to submit to the extremely diverse Script This event at the aforementioned venue. We also want to take the chance to thank the postivity of Peggy Riley from Ashford/East Kent Live Lit.
And we know it sounds a bit hopeful, but it makes a real change from being told to politely fuck off by the vast majority of industry schmoozers and shakers[don't worry: we'll definitely invite you for another nibble sometime soon...]. Anyway, we must've beaten the great Peter Terson's rejection record, by now!
The People Involved:
BUNGUS, thirties a junkie bum.
JULIAN, twenties, a postgraduate student.
FANNY, sixties, a tramp.
SCENE: a public toilet near Clapham Common. We hear nothing. Just a couple of sounds of the toilet roll holder being pulled violently, the odd cough. FANNY shuffles to a door. Tries to open it. It does not open. She mumbles something to herself and tries to open it again. It still won't open.
FANNY Ooh great; bloody great. That's all my bloody luck! Fucking useless door!
JULIAN enters, from a cubicle, reading a battered copy of The Communist Manifesto.
JULIAN I know. I tried it half an hour ago. All the cubicle windows have been sealed shut. The one that opens is too small to get out of. Some have bars on the windows. I can't figure it out. They've locked us in.
FANNY Shit, me trolley's outside.
JULIAN Sorry?
FANNY I've got to get out, I've got to get out. [She starts to rub her eyes; she's crying, but tries to hide it.]
I can't go on without my trolley.
JULIAN I truly hope it's just fine. It probably looks like a piece of shit, I suppose?
FANNY Won't be your sort after it. I know the freaks that lurk round these parts.
JULIAN I don't know; I'm a tourist here really.But then again, thiefs are everywhere these days: I'd say they're definitely classless nowadays.
FANNY I don't care, just get me out of here. I was only doing my rounds.
JULIAN When does it open up again?
FANNY I don't know, I've got better things to do you know?
JULIAN Of course.
FANNY I can't believe that drunk prick locked us in. He must've heard us.
JULIAN It's probably a mistake. They'll be back. At least we can go to the toilet.
FANNY I don't know, there's no bog roll left.
JULIAN I do hope you're kidding?
FANNY I'm thirsty now.
JULIAN There's water.
FANNY Anything stronger?
JULIAN I don't think they build alcohol counters in here - that might be taking twenty four hour drinking a bit too far. It would be handy, but you know.
FANNY Ooh, aren't we a Master Fancypants!
JULIAN I was only trying to make light of the situation.
FANNY What you doing in here?
JULIAN It's embarrassing really.
FANNY Having a quick wank? Blooming mincing poofs everywhere! You look a bit poofy to me!
JULIAN Erm, no. Nothing like that. No kinky stuff at all - sadly! Fortunately, it's not anything sordid. It's worse actually. I was really constipated and couldn't face doing another journey on the tube like it. My arse was burning! I'm sure you hear that quite a bit round here, so I think I'm empathising with homosexuals there! Sorry, it was another joke. It probably failed to make you laugh. I get that all the time. But no, I decided to sit it out here and face my shit. And I've been reading, smoking, just relaxing hoping for the endplop. I've never prayed for a shit to appear, but I'm considering praying to anything to see my shit.
FANNY Really? Shit. You're not joking?
JULIAN Yes, I'm not nervously joking. I've given up with ice-breakers.
FANNY Well, how would you like to give me a fag?
JULIAN That might be a problem. You see, I'm down to my last bit of rolling tobacco. It's one of these little pouches that seems to go quickly.
FANNY Rollies are fine, I like them. I better clean my spare teeth while I'm here.[Rummages in her horrid pockets; JULIAN looks fearful.]
Damn, I hope I haven't left them outside, too.
JULIAN It's probably best not to clean them here.
FANNY Not scared of falsies, are you?
JULIAN No, not really. It's just well, I suppose I am thinking of hygiene.
FANNY I think I have left them in the trolley. Shit. Shall we start shouting for help? We could break the glass?
JULIAN We might actually get prosecuted. It's council property. Oddly, I can't get any reception for some reason - don't ask. Technology, eh?
FANNY shrugs. They hear a sound in one of the cubicles[which can be offstage].
FANNY That wasn't you?
JULIAN Oh no. I think it was from in here.
FANNY Hello? HELLO? ANYONE ELSE IN HERE?
JULIAN Sounds like you're out of a zombie movie. You know, one of those post-apocalyptic things? It's ever so funny.
FANNY I haven't a clue what you're talking about.
JULIAN Like when the world's about to end?
FANNY I don't watch much, so I can't really say.
JULIAN Of course. It must be fairly tough.
FANNY Why is that shit ignoring us?
JULIAN They may be on the toilet still.
FANNY PLEASE TALK TO US MYSTERY SHITTER?
BUNGUS[pause; off, or from behind the cubicle door.]
Hello?
FANNY So there's someone in there?
BUNGUS Just for a quick fix. I'm bleeding out of my arse. You got any more bog roll?
FANNY No, we're locked in.
BUNGUS Oh right.
JULIAN Aren't you angry?
BUNGUS Can't be angry now man. Not with blood coming out of my butt.
JULIAN Good point. Are you going to be able to hold out - we can't get any mobile reception.
BUNGUS Really? My phone works. No credit on it though.
JULIAN Pass it here and I'll put my sim card in.
BUNGUS Nothing funny stranger.Remember: I don't know you and you don't know me.
JULIAN Well, that's a piece of logic you don't hear everyday. By the way, mate, I don't want your piece of shit phone.
BUNGUS Yeah, fine. Hold on. Mate.
JULIAN What?
BUNGUS Once I give you the phone, you'll forget about my bog roll. I need to clean my butt up.
FANNY There's no more bog roll, I've checked the whole place. I'm a regular visitor here.
BUNGUS Yeah, well, it's not good enough. Got any tissues?
JULIAN I have a hanky. It's a bit small though. It's just an accessory.
FANNY Looks a bit queer to me. All I got is a newspaper.
BUNGUS Aren't they toxic? My mate, Frank, wiped his butt with a Sun once and he got warts and a rash. Had to see a specialist.
JULIAN Was he on that embarrassing doctors thing on the box?
BUNGUS I don't know - you know, you're right, I think he had to quit doing porn.
FANNY Beggars can't be choosers here. We're locked in. I'm sure I've got an old rag somewhere.
BUNGUS Find the rag.Sounds good.
FANNY Oh just take the bloody Sun.
JULIAN Don't force it on him, I wouldn't want to wipe my backside on any newspaper. The print comes off. The ink might be toxic, and he might have a point with his anecdotal evidence. God knows what chemicals they put into a newspaper.
FANNY[baffled.] He's probably got enough chemicals in him anyway!
JULIAN Look, sorry, it's nice chatting but I think this is going nowhere. Let's get help; give me your phone please.The smell is starting to get to me.
BUNGUS Just find something I can wipe my arse on that's not newspaper.
FANNY I'm still looking for my rag. Fancy a junkie turning his nose up at my Sun.
BUNGUS It's nothing personal lady, my butts just bleeding for fun.
FANNY Be grateful for anything then!
JULIAN[heaving.] It's possible he could get infected.
FANNY You're a right bleeding heart liberal, aren't you? Why don't you give him your posh book?
JULIAN [feeling the pages of his book.] Actually, the paper's quite good quality for such a radical text. I suppose it might be better than newspaper?
FANNY I haven't wiped my bum with it, why ask me?
JULIAN Yes, sorry, I was just thinking aloud.
BUNGUS Go on, just lob it under the door, mate.
JULIAN slides his copy of Marx and Engels 'Communist Manifesto' under the cubicle door.
BUNGUS Thanks. Here's the phone.
BUNGUS slides his battered mobile phone along the floor towards JULIAN. JULIAN misses the phone and FANNY picks it up,examining it.JULIAN heaves again and suddenly runs into a cubicle and vomits.
FANNY The screens busted.
BUNGUS Didn't I mention that?
FANNY No, oddly enough.
BUNGUS It lights up.
FANNY I can't see a thing.
BUNGUS People phone me on it.
FANNY Must be popular.
BUNGUS It's got no credit. The phone's got a great signal though.
FANNY We'll see.
JULIAN[enters, wiping his mouth with his small handkerchief.] I'm sorry, I'm not used to the fumes. I think I'm fine now. Damn station food, eh? Oh, I done another sick burp. I might drink some of this water.
FANNY Phone, sort the phone out.
JULIAN Yes, you're right.
FANNY You hear all that?
JULIAN What?
FANNY[hands JULIAN the mobile phone.] Look at it?
JULIAN Oh, I see. The screen seems to be damaged.
FANNY Says it'll work, that's what he says!
JULIAN I don't know, we'll try though. Let me get my sim.
FANNY Lying junkie.
BUNGUS I'm serious, I'm not lying for once. It's a good phone.
FANNY Bloody lying through his teeth. Still bleeding in there?
BUNGUS No, this book's working wonders, though. It's like blotting paper.
JULIAN[heaves; fumbling changes the SIMs.] Maybe we should have a moment of silence?
FANNY Is it working?
JULIAN Yes, seems to be fine. I'll phone the emergency services.
BUNGUS How about a mate of mine. He's got a sledgehammer and pick axe. He'll be here in a jiffy and sort it.
JULIAN Let's just call the emergency services.
FANNY Fine, fine, just get us out.
JULIAN[dials, listening.] It works, it's ringing.
BUNGUS I think you owe me an apology lady.
FANNY Well, I'm -
JULIAN Damn, it just cut out. It's dead.
BUNGUS Oh, yeah, the battery's really unpredictable, it does that sometimes. Shit, didn't I tell you?
JULIAN I think I'm going to faint!
FANNY I'm going to bed down then. Don't get all queer you two. They'll be here in the morning.
BUNGUS Mate, I've ruined your book.
JULIAN It's fine. Keep it.
BUNGUS OK, cool.
JULIAN Is it? I can't believe I'm still constipated. I'm going to fall asleep on the bog.
FANNY Leave us a rollie first, dearie?
BUNGUS Yeah, can I have one too.
JULIAN Well, I've only got a couple of papers and those pouches are -
BUNGUS I got more rolling paper. I tried wiping my butt with my rips, but it kept sticking.
JULIAN I see.
BUNGUS Yeah, I tore that part off. It's all clean, no blood, nothing shitty.
JULIAN[hands the tobacco pouch to FANNY.] I'm going to the bog. And what I'm going to achieve in there this time is to make sure I shit.
BUNGUS I thought puking would've helped. You know you get all those carrots and bits of pasta and food in it. don't you? It's all stew like. Some places probably serve it up as food! It's weird though. Saw this website where the porn girls ate puke and -
JULIAN suddenly exits and vomits again.
[2] A BRIEF GUIDE TO THE PREHISTORIC STARLIGHT SPIRIT WORLD MACHINE
by O'Sullivan and Peterson
MIMI TISCHO - in her thirties but looks sixty; apparently she's a psychic. With a bad seventies style "Foreign accent" to disguise her real voice. When she slips up, she sounds like she's from Lewisham.
"CHIEF" TITUS WANKUM - in his forties; a fake Native American Indian, possibly an undercover agent on the con. Or is he? Hmmm....
BOB STOCKMAN - in his early twenties, an idealist and is obsessed with the supernatural. He wants to be a vampire but is just a sales operative and shelf- stacker from the convenience store down the road. He is also a part-time vampire. He cannot afford the right clothes for his trends. His fangs are two old plastic clothes pegs.
AUDREY MAY SUSSKIND - in her forties, a lady who puts herself around and latches onto BOB, although she hates the supernatural and wants to destroy it as entertainment. An unlikely person to have really Puritanical views, but she expresses her delusional dogmatism somewhat violently.
Location: Somewhere in a cramped hotel room just off the A1.
SCENE: A seance which is being badly staged.
CHIEF TITUS WANKUM, BOB STOCKMAN and MIMI TISCHO hold hands, chanting. TISCHO, secretly, presses a remote control button and we hear a thud from outside the hotel room.
TISCHO Ve hear schtrange, scho schtrange, vings. Ve err vury sch-aired, sch-aired like loost s-s-schouls! Vear me! (Sings some random little tune, sounds like David Bowie's 'Lady Grinning Soul' mixed with some K-Pop tune.) Ve vear more.(Checking WANKUM'S and STOCKMAN'S eyes, makes sure they're closed and presses a remote where we hear a growl of a beast.) IT GROWLS! IT GROWLS AT MY SCHOOOOOOUL!
WANKUM I don't like the sound of this, Stockman.
STOCKMAN You wanted to test my supernatural powers - I just called your bluff old man!
WANKUM I am only twenty-five years old.
STOCKMAN Exactly you, old man. Well, that's what you say your age is!
WANKUM Spiritually, I do not age. I am ageless. I'm eternally twenty-five.
STOCKMAN Don't give me that again! I can't tell how you sold me that illegal, oily, snake - but it didn't do a thing for me! I don't think these weird oil mixtures are very environmentally friendly, either. And I kept seeing things after my re-applications! My skin never went toned and pale, just like a vampire.
WANKUM A vampire?
STOCKMAN I'm not just a shelf-stacker; I know a bit about vampires. I want to be one, don't I? I dream about --
WANKUM(yawns) Really? Not another one!
STOCKMAN Yeah, I know what goes on around here. I can feel it. Worms talk to me.
WANKUM We're in a hotel. Where are all these worms?
STOCKMAN I've travelled around the country, haven't I? When I get time off stacking shelves I see vampires everywhere. Don't you? Sometimes, it's rare, but I even see the odd zombie. I've got the entire Twilight saga tattooed on my butt. I used a small font, don't worry. It's symbolic, isn't it? Anyway, Meyer owns my arse. She can do what she wants with it.
WANKUM That's nothing too unusual these days. And I know what you mean about seeing the odd zombie, though. They've drained our souls. Corporatism and population control. Too many Operation Just Causes. The People need their own cartel. A cartel that the rich minority with everything can't control. The masses need demons! And Bob: don't knock shelf-stacking; many would cut their hand off to have a cosy, no-brainer number like that these days.
TISCHO(forgetting her fake accent.) Don't you cockheads know this is a bloody seance?
WANKUM We're paying for it, aren't we? Let us be, lady. Keep on divining, wise woman.
TISCHO I'm not going to fucking Camelot! It's a disgrace to my profession, isn't it?
WANKUM Haven't you just changed your voice?
TISCHO Oh yeah. Well, I was possessed by a benign spirit at the start.
WANKUM Sounds bad - how it get out of you?
TISCHO By spiritual purging, of course.
WANKUM Sounds painful. Let's hope it wasn't a backdoor spirit! (STOCKMAN stifles a laugh.) I may be able to help you with that purging, though. You have a bad back?
TISHCO Yes, as it happens, I do. It's all this travelling around to all these shitty little arts fayres and crafts thingies. It's so boring at times, I need to learn how to cold read. That's where the money is now. Seances are a bit too cutesy now. I blame Psychic Sally, Yvette Fielding and Derek Acorah.
WANKUM Get a job in the museum then?
TISCHO Bloody cheek! I had a gig like that once: London Dungeon. Second wench. It was OK, until they gave me the chop. Oh yeah, the seance has ended now. We've ruined the mood anyway.
STOCKMAN Can you tell me how to be a vampire?
TISCHO Yes. Lay off the acid for breakfast.
STOCKMAN I don't need breakfast - I work in a convenience store. You know, one of those petrol station supermarkets? And, to be honest with you, I always thought breakfast was for those evil anti-masturbators.
TISCHO I don't need your life story, I know it all. It's shit, like everyone elses!
WANKUM She's good, isn't she? You want to buy my oiled snake?
STOCKMAN Oh my Sweet Lord - you just can't help yourself! Can you?(WANKUM shrugs, smirking.) That's an awful joke - snake oil shoots out of it, right? I suppose your snake has very milky oil when it's rubbed?
WANKUM Shut it you - I'm the spiritual detective here! I'm from my tribe.
STOCKMAN Tribe? The Church Lane Crew is not a 'tribe', you fool. You're a phony, just admit it! You promised me mind bending experiences!
WANKUM No, I never! I said open your mind and read widely. You should lay off the hard stuff.
STOCKMAN But I love Retard X!
WANKUM What?
STOCKMAN I suppose I should revoke my licence to live anyway. Just let me take my mouthwash!
WANKUM You're not dead yet, Stockman!
TISCHO Easy gentlemen! Time please! At least we're getting things out in the open, right? Now, I said it's over, I've got to --
WANKUM I need you to conduct a ceremony. It must be done immediately. This is my destiny, I have seen it all. I've made a pact with a demon - a dangerous demon called Assisbum and his lower representatives; I need some souls.
TISCHO(laughs.) Ha! Nice try! You can't catch me out!
WANKUM I'm not joking. I'm not just a hack salesman of dodgy cosmetics and herbal remedies; that's just something on the side. I need to free myself; it's part of my birthright.
TISCHO starts crying and clawing at her face, as if plagued by invisible beasts. She drops her remote.
STOCKMAN(to TISCHO) And to think I found you online - everything's reliable online, isn't it? (About to cry.) I really thought you were serious about performance vampire pornography, too!
TISCHO(suddenly stops clawing at her face.) No, I am - that's after hours, sweetie! It becomes a half-hourly charge then.
STOCKMAN(all smiles) Oh, right! Cool!
WANKUM(picking up the remote and making it look like he has a gun.) I can't join your band either, Stockman. I don't think a band called PoofGeektronica will work. It's too conceptual, and trying to hard to be of the time. You do get what I'm saying, don't you? (STOCKMAN shrugs.) It's a more of a bohemian thing.
STOCKMAN But I want to be a vampire! I had a thirty day guarantee! I can't stack shelves and serve pissheads for much longer, I'll go mad. I need an outlet.
WANKUM You're crazy, Stockman. We all are.
STOCKMAN I know, I thought we're all nuts!
WANKUM No, mister, you've got the wrong information! I'm really fucking crazy and I'm going to kill you for my devil!
AUDREY MAY SUSSKIND kicks open the door and smiles. She carries a huge crucifix, with straps fitted to it.
STOCKMAN Audrey? What you doing here? I thought you had a Christian purity ring camp?
AUDREY I did - I just got the porn offers in. What I can't handle though is all this supernatural shit. You know Bob, I hate you being a vampire, you're a shitty looking vampire. Just be Bob Stockman, Bob!(STOCKMAN cries and hugs TISCHO.) You hear me? I love you and I'm doing my career as a porn starlet all for you! I love fucking and I love our fucking God! And I'm going to kill all you demonfuckers who oppose his law!
WANKUM growls, bursts fake blood capsules, not hiding that he's using fake blood capsules.
STOCKMAN You know, Audrey, I watched a porno called 'Pornography' and it had no porn in it; it was really tame and shitty.That really blew porn for me, I can't watch it again, and I don't want to be a vampire now. Audrey, I love you, will you mar--
WANKUM(pulling STOCKMAN towards him, as if to hurt him with the remote control.) I need sacrifices. I'm sorry, I'll shoot. I mean, I'll remote him. I can summon magical aid, too. I'll turn this remote into a weapon.
AUDREY Go ahead, the zen lifeforce trickling down this system will protect me! Stockman wants to die anyway!
WANKUM Oh, I forgot - he really is some non-existent little prick.(STOCKMAN is frozen solid, as if he is scared of the magic remote control, WANKUM holds.) Well, I need to perform my ritual. All of you, take off your clothes now! You must all be naked! Then I want you to have a blood orgy and swim in each others' faeces: consume it and wallow in it all after you've become one! You must feel everything to truly penetrate each other; go at it, while I observe your unique habits from this dark corner. I just need to get my camera angles set up and loosen my --
STOCKMAN(begging WANKUM and AUDREY) Wow! Is this a real sabbat? Will I get image rights? Can we talk contracts? I'm just as lovely as Mimeychops, you know - what's her Geordie face? I can be like that. Just lovely. I'll tow the line, I won't question a thing. I can cry real tears in seconds, and make it look believable at the drop of a hat. I won't do it now, you know, germs in the air and all. But I can even do plastic smiles for hours - days even! I can be worth it, I'm pretty worth it! I'm a bargain basket kinda dude! And I'm completely talentless(Expecting them to be impressed. WANKUM and AUDREY yawn; they are bored by STOCKMAN. STOCKMAN looks nervous, it's as if he is making a failing final sales pitch.) And I'm positive: I think I'm lovely! It's just a shame I'm not undead and getting around. Just imagine the career opportunities! And did you know, Wankum, I'm an ordinary guy who's a former amateur porn star? And I'm sure I was vampire in a previous life; I dream red blood seas, everynight. That can work, right?
WANKUM I'm going to kill you first - for the demon Quo-Tatar-Tooma-Dooma! I am not making this up, you dumb fucks! I'll summon the higher demon, Och! Oh hear Och's cock - Shit, I didn't mean to get it wrong. I'll start again.
AUDREY karate chops WANKUM on the back of the head, he drops the remote control and releases STOCKMAN. TISCHO comforts STOCKMAN, cradling him like a baby. STOCKMAN tries to suckle from her bosom, but TISCHO keeps slapping his hands away. WANKUM stumbles around, stunned by the karate chop, looking dizzy. AUDREY then knees him in the groin. WANKUM laughs. AUDREY goes to hit with the bulky crucifix and WANKUM cowers, expecting to be hit.
AUDREY He's possessed!
WANKUM It's lucky I'm on medication and can't feel any pain. I'm really loaded at the moment!
AUDREY Curse you, you foul freak! What have you done?
WANKUM That's it, I'm going to kill all of you!
AUDREY Back, devil, back!
WANKUM I am Chief Wankum - I am no devil. I am saving you, you evil fucker of heads! I'm just giving a good scare!
AUDREY Reveal yourself!
WANKUM Is this the bit where it all crosses over with a computer game? I tried that remote, I think it's run out of batteries. Where's the effects then? It's something interactive, right? You must have the budget for it? It's far out, isn't it? Hang on, I've got no headphones, so it can't be a silent disco thing. Must be something really arty and really now. I love that story-story thing; I really hate pointless fragmented episodes, you know? Wait a mo, did you want me to go online? Bloody pretentious fucking --
AUDREY We're not from Soho, dear boy! It's fine, our poor lost soul!
WANKUM Stop talking to me like that, I am no lost soul!(Winking). I can be a devil, though.
AUDREY Can I see your penis?
WANKUM What?
AUDREY A demon has a massive member, does he not?
WANKUM It depends on your idea of massive, doesn't it?
AUDREY Is that a 'yes'? You must know, Wankum, it's the only way to verify if you truly are a demon.
STOCKMAN I'm so pleased I made this now. It's worth the twenty thousand euros I paid for it.
AUDREY Don't worry about him, he's a moron. I am the real soothesayer!
TISCHO Yeah, cheers for sorting this one out, Audrey. You know, I've not had my equity card long and this was the only gig going for ages, until I got another wenching. I'm pleased, though, as it gets me doing different accents and things. It's not quite the character stuff I --
WANKUM Excuse me ladies, I'm trying to be a demonic soul!
AUDREY No, a devil - you fucking amateur!
WANKUM It's the same thing, isn't it?
AUDREY Semantics can be annoying, but there is a huge difference from an electromagnetic demonic entity and your standardised devil.
WANKUM Right, I didn't know.
STOCKMAN Sacrifice me! Go on, I'm so bored with the twenty-first century and it's constant repeats. Ooh the eighties is cool again - oh no, it's the nineties! - then back to the fake hippy bullshit! I hate it, it's all total bullshit. I want to end it all, I want to be undead again! Please! I can't stack shelves for the rest of my days. I'm a shelf-stacker called Stockman. Doesn't that tell you anything about my destiny? I see no way out.
WANKUM You have some fucked up ideas, Stockman. Be satisfied with your station; capitalism will find a way to spank you daily and slowly shaft you.
AUDREY He paid for these experiences, he can do what he wants with them.
WANKUM How did you pay for them?
STOCKMAN Someone else's credit card, of course! You don't think I had credit, did you?
WANKUM Oh right. That makes sense.
STOCKMAN How did you pay?
WANKUM I found a coupon in an old copy of The Fortean Times.
STOCKMAN History man, eh? That's smart. You surfing the dull books?
WANKUM No, it was by chance, at a car boot sale in Bovingdon. One of the biggest car boots I've ever seen.
STOCKMAN Cool.
AUDREY Are you transmorphing yet?
WANKUM Will you shut up, I'm trying to think!
AUDREY We might need to perform a sabbat after all!
TISCHO I'll clock off in a bit.
AUDREY You can stay and watch: you might learn something!
TISCHO I don't know. I've got some politically correct exposure theatre-in-education gig to show up at the B.A.C; I'm playing the second wench, so I don't know if I --
AUDREY It's up to you, Mimi?
TISCHO(checks a really thin, slimline, pocket diary with tiny pen.) I've got to check my diary, give me a sec.
STOCKMAN I'm going to be sired? Will you invite me to the wayzgooses? I know what you elitist printing house types are like! I just want to be accepted! Will you invite me, Audrey?
AUDREY Maybe. It's a committee thing about you being sired, though.You've only done the phone interview.
STOCKMAN So there is more sex magick?
AUDREY Not for you, you'll be dead!
STOCKMAN Oh yeah, right. That's a shame.
AUDREY Yes, well the pressures of the undead aren't all that exciting. Ask our lost soul, Chief Wankum.
WANKUM Look, I'm not a Chief, I'm not even a Native American Indian. I'm an undercover reporter for Conspirofact. A website that lifts the lid on scams like this. I'm showing you con artists a lesson!
AUDREY Ha! We got it - it plays tricks!
STOCKAMN Yes, I hear it.
AUDREY I bet it's secretly filmed us?
WANKUM I might have. You better let me go!
AUDREY I am sorry you fake Chief; I am the soothesayer and you must die!
STOCKMAN That sounded sooo coool, like right out of some retro horror movie.
WANKUM(to STOCKMAN) You're really getting on my sundanced tits, you know that? You know you're being taken for a mug?
AUDREY (to TISCHO.) You might want to seduce him. I'm asuming you've done escort jobs before? Don't worry - it doesn't need full penetration.
WANKUM What?
TISCHO Will this count as overtime?
AUDREY Like you've got laid recently?
TISCHO Well, no not really I haven't the time for romance. Maybe the odd wasted one nighter, but it's so tough in this world. The last time I had a one night stand I got -
AUDREY I don't want to hear it - just attach yourself to this cretin.
STOCKMAN Great! I'm a cretin! I always wanted to be one!
AUDREY You're getting on my nerves, too.
STOCKMAN Will I be a vampire?
WANKUM You've a better chance of being an umpire!
STOCKMAN Really? Are they related to vampires?
WANKUM You what?
AUDREY Ignore the simpleton. Take me on - take on me - you lost soul!
AUDREY and WANKUM are staring hard at each to see who will blink first.
TISCHO (to STOCKMAN; fake Asian accent) Ooh, you're so cute - ooh, you're making me soo hot and hornee.
STOCKMAN Can we make pre-death love?
TISCHO What?
STOCKMAN I want to put 'I Love The Dead' on, it's so much more romantic that way.
TISCHO Really? Can I check my diary again?
STOCKMAN I'll serenade you?
TISCHO No, please don't - you're freaking me out!
STOCKMAN starts smothering himself over TISCHO who looks scared and is frozen as STOCKMAN tries to simulate rigor mortis dry humping. STOCKMAN then chews on TISCHO'S thin diary. TISCHO screams.
AUDREY Come on then Chief, reveal your hiddden camera to me!
WANKUM You're sick! I've got you bang to --
WANKUM staggers and clutches his chest, falling down, passing out.
AUDREY I suppose you want my help now, lost soul.
AUDREY laughs, as TISCHO still screams.
STOCKMAN This was so worth it. You guys are really realistic.
TISCHO(traumatised.) NO! Not saliva on my diary! You dirty, filthy, beast!
AUDREY I know. Did you enjoy it, Tischo?
TISCHO faints as STOCKMAN bends over her, and licks her face like some hungry animal. AUDREY howls as she puts on the crucifix, as a strap-on dildo, and appears behind STOCKMAN.
AUDREY Do you want to fall from grace, Stockman?
STOCKMAN Take me, I'm yours!
AUDREY Drop ye cacks!
STOCKMAN(drops his trousers while bending over the stricken TISCHO) Amen!
AUDREY You shall feel demonic magick - the real demonic experience - and make us all one We'll find that poor man's lost soul! And maybe he will tell us all his secrets!
STOCKMAN I don't know, do I?
AUDREY Maybe you do?
STOCKMAN Find out why then! PURGE ME AUDREY!
A thunder storm sounds, just as darkness engulfs them and AUDREY is about to violently thrust the crucifix strap-on dildo into STOCKMAN'S exposed rectum.
[3] WAITING FOR THE WAITER by O'Sullivan and Peterson
VEENA KREMER, late-twenties/early-thirties. Oriental looking, but she's got red hair and she looks like a high-class hooker.
CONRAD PEAKE, late fifties/early sixties. A white man, looking slightly haggard, with tiwnkly eyes, and wearing a smart suit. He clings to a bottle of champagne, as if it's a newborn baby . He's lost something on the train and it might be important. He can't remember what he's lost, though.
FEMI KIDO, mid-late thirties/early forties. Black and is looking like an athlete, as he wears the attire of a personal trainer. But he has a hidden agenda, as he's seen CONRAD before and wants to return his case to him.
Set: a restaurant in Golders Green, which is empty. It's always empty; it's amazing how it survives.
SCENE: Restaurant in Golders Green.
CONRAD PEAKE is guzzling champagne and burping loudly.
CONRAD PEAKE WAITER! MORE! Fine, I'll just help myself then!
CONRAD staggers away, where we hear the crashing of bottles and crockery. CONRAD returns with another bottle of champagne, which he kisses. VEENA KREMER enters, looking around.
VEENA You run this place, yeah?
CONRAD I''m sorry? Did you say yeah? CALL ME SIR!
VEENA Whatever - look I'm meant to have a table booked for --
CONRAD I do not run this establishment, young lady! [Burps.] Would you like a dropsy of bubbly?
VEENA No, I hate that shit. Look, I need my table I'm booked for --
CONRAD WAITERS! WAITERS!
VEENA Isn't anyone here?
CONRAD I don't know. I stumbled in here, I needed to go back to the station but I've lost something on there. OOPS!
VEENA You're pissed!
CONRAD No, I'm not, I'm not! I'm a busy businessman. I started off with nothing - my dad was a miner. The daft fool. Anyway, he didn't do anything for the swift nudge-nudge-wink-wink. I do whatever. I've done anything.
VEENA You don't own this then?
CONRAD I might do - my portfolio is extensive. I've forgotten how much I actually own.
VEENA I'm waiting for someone.
CONRAD Now we're waiting for the waiters! Awful service, here! It's very continental, I don't like that. My time is precious. Maybe we should get a hotel?
VEENA I'm not like that, if that's what you're thinking.
CONRAD I forgot, I'm sorry. I completely forget that young women must dress like whores, as it's part of the fashion these days. Are you on The Hit Parade? Sometimes I can't tell the difference. My grand-daughter will be watching those music videos and I have to rush to the en suite to bash one out, or I'll be standing there with a raging erection. Might save on those little blue pills, I suppose. But I can't be erect around music videos and while my grand-daughter watches them. It's the industry's fault for selling out to porn - most of them will end up there.
VEENA I don't do any of that. I'm a dancer.
CONRAD I'm connected, come and sit at my table.
VEENA I'm fine thanks - I'll wait here.
CONRAD Who are you waiting for?
VEENA A person.
CONRAD Great one that - I gathered that. Unless Zog's coming down from Mars![Laughs at his own joke.] Don't you want a drinksypoo?
VEENA Diet coke's fine.
CONRAD It's a restaurant and they've left the bar unattended! Go and have a brandy!
VEENA A diet coke's fine. You trying to get me pissed?
CONRAD[nods,laughing.] Actually, I finished the brandy off. Oh, it's such a shame the flappers aren't around. I lost my virginity to an old flapper. Oh, it was different for them all right! Lovely women, really showed me a trick or too.
VEENA You're not eating here then?
CONRAD No, not yet. Ordered, what was it? Something. Never showed up. Awful service, didn't I say? I think the kitchen staff are having a bit of a scuffle. You know what they get like in this business. The men, big men, turn into huge grumpy ladies. They care what people think and get all worked up over it. With me, as long as you can stuff the food down your gob, mix it with the finest alcoholic beverages and not shit out any radioactive waste, then it's great grub by me! I am not fussed.
VEENA It's a bit expensive, isn't it? Where's the menu?
CONRAD I don't know actually.
VEENA Are you sure it's open? It's getting late.
CONRAD Oh no, it's open all right. It was like that when I stumbled in. They were all gathered around a table then.
VEENA Right. I'll go in a bit.
CONRAD No, don't - please don't! Join a sad old man for a drink!
VEENA Fine.
CONRAD A real drink?
VEENA A drink you said and I want a diet coke.
CONRAD I won't get you drunk and take off all your clothes and have my wicked way with you! No, oh no way! I haven't got the strength these days to tussle with fillies like you. Why expose myself to the law, when I have internet porn and membership to numerous establishments of a relaxing order?
VEENA So you didn't break all that over then?
CONRAD[looking around, slightly baffled.] Me? No, it wasn't me kiddo!
VEENA Who knows - maybe you're a perve and had to have a violent wank in here, breaking everything. I walked past a kebab shop in Chalk Farm late at night and the guy cleaning up was wanking, as clear as day. I didn't know where to look. He saw me and started going even faster!
CONRAD I wished my wife was like you. I divorced in seventy-eight. Awful woman, a total drunk. I think she likes prescribed medication as well these days. She always had to be fashionable. After our divorce she married a bisexual Italian. She was into Demerol and Nembutal, back then, when she was with me. I've heard she's all into Vicodin, Prozac, and plant food. She has to be in fashion, I suppose, but she runs a fashion house, so you'd expect that. I'm too much of a ruthless businessman for all that artsy queer stuff.
VEENA Sounds like you've had it rough. We've all got the sob stories in us, I suppose.
CONRAD No, oh no! I'm no sympathy fuck! I hate sob stories. Save them for True Movies, that's what I say. No, I've made it and broke it! I'm Conrad, by the way!
VEENA I'm Veena. I suppose you don't mind me smoking?
VEENA eventually sits down, she takes off her heels and rubs her feet. She opens her handbag and takes out some cigarettes. She lights one up and puffs defiantly.
CONRAD Good idea! [Takes out a crushed cigar.] May I borrow your lighter? I suppose no-one is here to report us!
VEENA hands CONRAD her lighter, he doesn't light the cigar properly and just sucks on it, handing VEENA'S lighter back to her.
CONRAD So how much do you charge?
VEENA I'm a dancer.
CONRAD Oh, yes, right. Of course. Sorry. Erm, do you have a freelance fee?
VEENA I do parties. Two hundred pound a night.
CONRAD That's reasonable. I done a lot of marching powder and spent over two grand in Soho on prositutes. It was money well spent in my book.
VEENA You can get it cheaper abroad.
CONRAD Oh, so you do know what I'm chatting about?
VEENA Maybe. Maybe not. I do exotic dance and I teach.
CONRAD Teach! You're barely out of school yourself! All teachers should have life experience and be over thirty, at least. It's fine for a primary school teacher to be straight out of uni, but for a young adult to have a teacher who's only a decade, or so, older than them with no real life experience is criminal. Bloody geeks eh? They always win!
VEENA I do not teach in schools.
CONRAD Good, they're bloody shit!
VEENA I'm waiting for an agent; he said he'd meet me here.
CONRAD You want that diet coke now?
VEENA No, I'm going to make a phone call in a bit. The bastard should be here.
CONRAD So he spent a romantic evening with you, and all, then fled?
VEENA I'll find him on Facebook, don't you worry!
CONRAD Well, be careful. Might be a psycho for hire! You never know what kind of weirdo communicates via computer these days.
VEENA That reminds me, I have to check my emails.
VEENA exits, stubbing out her cigarette on her way out. CONRAD guzzles more champagne and we see FEMI KIDO enter carrying a brief case. CONRAD jumps up, looking scared.
CONRAD Take what you want, it's not mine!
FEMI KIDO No? You dropped this on the tube! I saw you. Seemed like you were late, you were really rushing off!
CONRAD What?
FEMI I chased after you but you ran away! I tried to shout, but I smoke forty a day, so I don't really shout no more! I don't like shouting anyway. I was on my way back from the gym and found this. I did call.
CONRAD You're the one who kept phoning me?
FEMI Yep. Lucky you had your mobile on you. I sent the text in the end.
CONRAD I thought you were going to rob me! I even thought it a blackmail plot. I have a lot of enemies, you know! [Pause, drunkenly smiles.] Oh what a relief! You are a very kind person!How decent of you! I'll get you a drink.
FEMI I don't really drink.
CONRAD Nonsense! Not you, too! Get some booze down you boy!
FEMI No, it's fine, I don't really drink. I'll take a puff on your cigar though [CONRAD hands him the crushed cigar. FEMI laughs at it, but takes a chuff.] Bit pointless after the gym, but you know how it goes!
CONRAD Of course, of course. I'll find you a juice here. Personally, I don't touch juice, I have to have it with alcohol in. But I have to ask you something?
FEMI Yeah, sure.
CONRAD You didn't see me come out of that building?
FEMI Yeah, sure I did.
CONRAD You don't happen to know what's situated there, do you?
FEMI I've lived here for a while, so I know the area. It's fine, I won't say.I hear the massages are very good there.
CONRAD So you've heard? I mistook it for a new agency specialising in public sector contracts.
FEMI I'm sure it's a massage parlour. And I've heard the dominatrix in there's very --
CONRAD Umm, I think so too. Anyway, old chap, I went into the wrong office.
FEMI Honestly, I'm not here to blackmail you!
CONRAD I'll write you a cheque for one thousand pounds. Is that enough?
FEMI WHAT? You got to be joking?
CONRAD No, oh no! There's more. That's a lot of --
FEMI No, really it's fine.
CONRAD I insist; it'll give me some weird peace of mind. And if you don't take it now, it means I'll be worrying about you later; and you know what I mean by that, don't you?
FEMI I think so. You got that out of a movie, didn't you?
CONRAD Some mob thing - the lesbo one. It actually applies itself to all business models. Very good practice indeed.
FEMI Thought it sounded familiar.Oh yeah, I'm Femi.
CONRAD Pleased to me you, Femi, I'm Conrad. [Hiccups.] Pardon me, bloody bubbles!
VEENA enters and glares angrily at CONRAD and FEMI while making another call on her mobile phone. She paces the restaurant - whoever she is phoning does not answer - and lights another cigarette. She then starts calling more people on her mobile phone, who are also not answering their mobile phones;VEENA's looking annoyed now.
CONRAD How did you end up with a girly name?
FEMI It's not a British name!
CONRAD[in his drunken way, he scribbles out a cheque and hands it to FEMI. FEMI shakes his head, screwing the cheque up without CONRAD seeing and dropping it on the floor.] Oh sorry, Femi. I'm not used to chatting to dark-skinned people. There's my cleaner, who's always a darkie, but there's also Panjit at the corner shop. Top bloke, you might know him?[FEMI shrugs, smiling.] And I still get my shag shipped in; he knows his stuff.
FEMI[about to leave.] Oh right. You're fine, Conrad. I chat to all sorts of people. probably the only great thing about living in this old, empty, shithole called Britain. You can meet the world, right?.
CONRAD[graps FEMI's arm, eager for him to listen.] Yes, I suppose it is, isn't it? We're getting further apart in terms of wealth but - on a cultural level, of course - we're more closer. It'll go back to the age of everyone watching the same programmes, free music festivals will return, and people'll just accept their lot, rich and poor alike.
FEMI I don't know. To be honest, I don't care. I've got a place in the Bahamas sorted when I retire. It's a family investment thing, had it around for a while, so I hope it's still there. But everyone's different.
CONRAD Yes, I suppose so. I haven't thought about retiring yet. I'm hoping to just drop dead on the job! But thanks once again for the case.
FEMI It's fine, please stop thanking me!
VEENA[to FEMI; angrily.] Are you waiting for food, too?
FEMI No, I'm not. Are you two together?
VEENA Not in that way!
CONRAD Femi, this is Veena. She's supposed to be meeting her agent, but you know how superficial arts people are.
FEMI No. I don't have a clue! You a pop star or something?
VEENA I look like one, I know!
FEMI Doesn't everyone want to be one these days?
VEENA Nice work if you can get it!
FEMI[laughs.] I suppose. Some of them can even sing. Can you?
VEENA I can sing a bit, though I'm probably more of a dancer.
FEMI I see. You been dancing for Conrad?
VEENA It's nothing like that.
FEMI Oh, no.
VEENA I have done that type of dancing, though. And it can pay the bills, that's for sure!
FEMI I'm sure it does!
CONRAD Don't get all boring, let's enjoy this freebie! It's not too often the general public gets such good nosh.
FEMI I don't like the idea of being filmed, I'm going to go.
CONRAD Forget it, it's one me! Come on, what you both having?
CONRAD takes out a small notepad and pen and looks at VEENA and FEMI. They all stare at each other in a moment of utter silence.
FEMI So you actually work here?
CONRAD I don't know - I might even own it! Then again, I might not. Business is shrouded in mystery, isn't it?
FEMI I suppose it's a bit of a lottery.
VEENA Wait a minite, so now you want to take our order?
CONRAD Might as well. Sod it, eh? Might as well do a bit of moonlighting now. We can't all be company directors, can we?
FEMI Sure. If there's something left, that's fine. Get me whatever.
VEENA This is unreal, I thought you were a customer or something. why you moaning about teh service then?[CONRAD shrugs, smiling, looking well and truly sozzled.]...Get me the same as him.
CONRAD Great! Two whatevers!
CONRAD, shuffling like a drunk, exits laughing to himself. Long awkward pause between FEMI and VEENA.
VEENA I suppose it's romantic. In a weird way.
FEMI It's not that weird. I just hope it's no set up.
VEENA No, it isn't. I don't know. I might be getting set up.
FEMI It's a bit awkward. I'm shit with smaal talk.
VEENA I know.
FEMI I suppose you're trendy. You must like poppy kind of stuff and things like that.
VEENA What?
FEMI I don't know. I was hoping we might start a conversation? About anything really.
VEENA Where's thingy gone?
FEMI Good question. He's probably gone to puke his guts up. What a state! He's obviously worse for wear; he might even be a bit you know?[VEENA looks puzzled.] A bit screwed up. I just hope the police don't turn up with a whole response team: shrinks and the backup guns; and they might get the wrong idea. Don't want us in the nick with him - or getting sectioned. This evening's getting really bizarre.
VEENA Yeah, I was thinking that.
FEMI Anyway, if there's a freebie in it, I'll make the best of it.
VEENA Yeah, I've had some rotten luck for ages, I'll take a freebie. By the way, what you up to tonight?
FEMI Nothing. Why?
VEENA Just starting a conversation, right?
FEMI Oh yes, sure, I forgot about the conversation. To busy thinking about small talk. Sorry, I ruined it there. Erm, well, let me see. Oh yeah, what you are interested in?
VEENA Nothing really. I've got a short attention span. I was expelled a lot.
FEMI Oh.
VEENA Do you have any contacts?
FEMI In what?
VEENA The real world silly! Like producers and things. Are you fucking anyone famous? That's what I like about some celebrities. They're great; I tried to model myself on Katie Price, I still call her Jordan, but she's so inventive though! When she can't get a gig, and she can't be fucked to be conned training to be an actress or doing singing lessons - it's a money thing, not that she's counting the pennies, mind you! - but she just goes and fucks a hot hunk, marries him divorces him and then sells the story. Fucking crazy, I know, but that's really smart. What a networker! I'm learning off her all the time.
FEMI Yeah, I don't know who you're talking about. I'm sorry.
VEENA Don't you know anything? You must've met someone, you know, secretly?
FEMI No, honestly. I've never been mixed up in all that James Bond stuff. It's been in the papers a lot, hasn't it. Russian spies, dodgy spy sex, tax dodgers and weird deaths. Makes a change from wars, sick freaky horrendous and environmental disasters, but when you read that garbage makes you wonder what they're hiding about all the wars and famines and things. It's all odd. I really don't know any agents, I'm sorry!
VEENA I don't follow the world, just the world of famous stuff. It's pointless if it's not famous. Not like those dull people! Like connected people and all of that.
FEMI Thinking about it now, I know an estate agent. I went to college with him. It was a long time ago, I met him over the football ages ago, but --
VEENA That's handy, but it's a boring story. Not the sort of thing I was chatting about.
FEMI Oh.
VEENA It's getting a bit too weird, I think he's calling the police or the real owners. He's a queer prick.
FEMI I think he's just old-fashioned. Bit old to be a doing the waiter lark, but it's good, we can't put people out of their work just because they get to a certain age!
VEENA I don't think it's that odd. Is it? Who wants to see old pornstars?
FEMI I don't know. It takes all sorts these days.
VEENA Do you work out?
FEMI Sometimes. [Awkward pause.] You look familiar. Maybe I seen you in some cattlemarket club. Probably in Kingston. Actually you remind me of someone I saw recently. Were you in a porno called 'Amateur Goo Gaggers'?
VEENA Erm, well --
CONRAD enters, looking ill.
CONRAD You better get out! Quick, quick!
FEMI I knew it! You don't own it!
VEENA You fucking pompous bullshitter!
CONRAD It's not that - the kitchen's on fire. Just a little bit; I've had a few too many sherries.
FEMI Shit, I don't smell anything yet, but let's try to put it out now!
CONRAD You really are a gem! You'll get an extra meal for this.
FEMI Fuck the meals, let's stop it getting out of control. Where's this fire?
CONRAD Well, it's an apple pie. I don't know how it happened!
FEMI I do! Come on, show me where the extinguisher is!
FEMI and CONRAD exit, as a thin layer of smoke wafts through. VEENA shakes her head.
VEENA[lights another cigarette.] I know it's the food! I can't smell a fire! You've just burnt it! Do you want me to phone the...[Her mobile rings; she answers it.]...Oh so you ring me now!...I'm in the middle of a crisis...Yeah, well, you'll never guess...No way! No, I'm in a restaurant and it's just caught fire....I know, it might be on London Tonight...I might sue; it might be good idea later...Yeah, sure...But I'm getting a freebie now...Sure...Hold on, I'll phone you back in five...[Dials off, then shouts to CONRAD and FEMI offstage] Hey guys! Once you sort out the fire, do you mind setting a few places for some people I know? Hey, guys, I got you some business here? Hello?
VEENA exits into a thin layer of smoke.
[4] SAFE PLAY
by George O'Sullivan and Colin Peterson
RUFUS - a dozy slacker; but he's trying to hone his trash-inspired "craft", though he doesn't know how to go about it and doesn't want to pay out for it. And has no ideas.
STAN - another dozy slacker, who acts way older than his years, but is stuck in a rut and disillusioned with everything, including artistic integrity in the UK and throughout the rest of the world.
Set: in a park, on a park bench, somewhere in London.
Note: if unable to use DSs use mobile phones.
EPISODE ONE: SAFE BLUES [careful now]
RUFUS slurps a cup of tea from a cardboard cup, while STAN stubs out his smoke in a makeshift ashtray out of a bottle of beer. Next to STAN is a chunky A4 recycled paper pad [or tablet if you prefer] and some pens. Next to him, he has a bag, which looks like a laptop carry case.
STAN So? That's it right?
RUFUS WHAT?
STAN That we can't say anything bad or offensive? We might be able to enter in a competition-thing without it getting sent straight back to us?
RUFUS I don't know. I really don't know. I thought it was all to do with free speech.
STAN It's a myth. We might be able to hide our message. If we had lived during the Sixties, we wouldn't've had this problem. Just finding a platform, a funded platform that is.
RUFUS You can only do that if you are connected. In the know. The loop. The people. The network - network the network, right? Facilitating to shit - co-ordinating the co-ordinator. Maybe, if you can, fuck a famous director, producer or some performer - or any minor celeb. Or just fuck - a lot. That always works, right?
STAN We can't network well can we?
RUFUS I wish I was a model at times! But maybe the amount of dross out there will cover up what we've done anyway. Stick it all on some blog and let it go. It'll be it's own isolated virtual memorial.
STAN I reckon it's not a bad idea for a skit.Nothing full-length though - no reader will want to read it.
RUFUS I reckon we need to re-do and re-jig bits - the few words we've got, that is! You ain't even put it down.(STAN laughs, shaking his head because he thinks it's shit really.) And we don't want to get done for libel.
STAN What's the point now? Just make it up as we go. We get done, we get done - I don't know how we can get away with it.Look at every threat or fear. I mean terrorists moan about democracy, but when it comes to posting something or getting it out there, it's hot news - everyone gets to see it. But a fake terrorist group isn't funny, comedy terrorism is like comedy bands - pretty embarrassing. Like watching your Uncle lapdance for you. Not that's happened to me,I hasten to add.
RUFUS That's slightly different though mate - that's fucked up political shit. With us we've just got a skit of fucked-uppedness about fucked-up political shit going down in this country! Seriously mate - think about it? - who wants to watch two people chatting shit about what they're fucking trying to write!? It's already out there, right?
STAN Good point...Still, this is getting semi-trippy...I've had worse. Look at Moving Wallpaper. It's all getting a bit wanky as well whe you start laughing at manufacturing shit; stick to events mate. And it's sounding way too post-times-infinity-modern for me. Especially in our delicate modem age - we know it's going to get worse. But that's catching on now, isn't it?
RUFUS Is it?
STAN Didn't you watch the porno where the bird is trapped in Jane Austen's world?
RUFUS Who? That out of Double-Dip-'Em?
STAN No - the chick-flick-book shit! You know they force kids to read it?
RUFUS(slurps more of his tea.) Isn't it from the Eighties?
STAN Erm, mate, it's a wee bit older than that.
RUFUS Shit...really?
STAN I don't really care, but the point being the chick went into - no I'm getting it mixed with a lesbo-shower-orgy-pop-up.
RUFUS I paid for that, too. Thank fuck for Live-Streaming.
STAN No, no - it's about the literary-
RUFUS It must be a cultish time piece - like Pulp Fiction.
STAN Now you're chatting shit! That's going back sometime, but they're bring them all back now and.... shit...wait!(RUFUS goes to speak but STAN interrupts him.) We've gone off on it, we're meant to be going all -
RUFUS(giggles.) I find it all a bit wanky to be honest, mate.
STAN(sneezes.) Weird germs - I hate when that happens! I just rid of a cold. Shit - everything's against us; even the world...(RUFUS laughs, shaking his head, tries to relax.) So why don't we research something?
RUFUS Like exploited drugged-up illegal immigrant sex-working happy-slappers? Very Channel Four - they're wankers, they love soft shit like that. As long as you don't make it too gritty -- fake poser gritty is fine -- it'll need a PC cast, and a glossy photo-shoot. Happy slapping is shitty, too - it ain't even real fighting. They only report it when someone's dead though, right?
STAN You know they're called Fanny-Slappers in the States?
RUFUS(wipes his nose on a well-used tissue.) You're fucking with me?
STAN Land of the free and mass pornography. How can we compete?
RUFUS The good will out - somehow! I reckon I gave you me cold, mate?(STAN smiles, and shrugs.) Sorry...that gets me thinking...Shit, I thought it was going to be easier doing something topical!
STAN This ain't really going to get accepted anywhere. And don't suggest some weird flu-idea either. I know what your thinking!
RUFUS(annoyed STAN'S guessed what he was thinking.) I won't get farty on you, don't worry. We'll cut it down. I reckon that Streets-bloke beat us to it. You know his docu-thingy? I thought it was funny.
STAN Stop the press, mate, it wasn't real - we all know it was another mockumentary. I'm bored with everything, it's getting me down. Thinking is evil and so is boredom - but why does this society encourage so much bland boring shit. I bet it's a move to get to people in gyms or to go cycling or rambling. Who seriously goes rambling in this shithole anyway? I'll probably be surprised, but it's got to be some Nanny-State tactic.(RUFUS shrugs, smirking.) Want another cuppa from that manky cafe?
RUFUS(struggling to roll up again,taking ages.) Go on then - a quick cuppa why not. Let's try not to chat footie though - I'll be here for hours. And Palace are being odd again; they've missed the boat this season. You know I said I got shit at the job centre to sort, too - then more stress at the bank.
STAN What happened to the new job?
RUFUS It didn't happen - that's the funny thing. I wasn't diverse enough, though I tried to be nice. I don't think they liked me. I like to think it was part of a drive to cut back their work-force; makes you less cynical if you think like that - trust. The time's just against me. Even if you wonder how the rest kept their jobs!
STAN Oh, right - it's like that! Well, I don't really do jobs; they're a bit -
RUFUS Yes, I know. I'm working towards a state-funded trust. Praise ye olde D.W.P!
STAN That's the way I see it. It's a merry-go-round for me. We'll never earn the big money - or even the decent money! - those that do can pick up the bill; they're greedy fuckers anyway. I've nothing against them - we need them paying for shit, if we don't let them dodge shitloads. But then again, we should try to find somewhere to do something. I suppose it's still all about money.I think Orwell said something like that, right?
RUFUS(doesn't know, looking confused, but sounds annoyed.) Stan, I'm not joking - we can't say anything too offensive these days; but we can show shitloads of violence and porn. Big Brother can't stop it. Can do even more messed up stuff if it's all animated, though. Which can be well long; I can draw too good.
STAN I see.I've never animated, though I feel re-animated at times.(RUFUS stares oddly at STAN, who smiles at him.) But you know they're closing the net on the, erm, you know, err, net these days. Graphic violence is very cartooned now anyway, really over-the-top; and most horror stuff is tame, and really over-stylized. Have you noticed that it also doesn't dwell on the gore or the act of violence for too long now. It's all about the thought of the really fucked-up shit. It's more concerned about the thrash, techno-ish or emo soundtrack making it all look cool. You see, we can show stuff, but it's got to be approved. They - that's the powers-that-be - think we might be part of that thrill kill cult. I mean, not that we'd want to go there anyway. I reckon we either do something very politically correct. Stick in some token binge drinking or random self-abuse, and any type of random explosion or act of violence. Set it in Bromley - no, Lewisham. No even worse: Canning Town. It was rated worse than all of Baghdad once, which I'm sure is a very nice place now - though I haven't been yet, it definitely doesn't soun good; I know Canning Town a lot better. I don't know how the press came to that conclusion about the Canning Town and Baghdad comparison, though.(RUFUS laughs.) And don't mention Muslims, Christians, Scientologists - in fact, anything about religion or anything to do with ethnicity, sexuality and politics. No war - it's so boring now anyway. You need to be a really established arse-licker to be given the platform to say something about that anyway. War, war, war - it needs a bloody new image then we'll see what it's good for!
RUFUS(still laughing.)I reckon that might work...but we need some-
STAN Then to replace any realistic implication of a violent gang conflict or any violence - we'll do a choreographed dance-off. Or even a Guitar Hero battle?
RUFUS Shit - that sounds funky. Call it something like Beat Shit - though it's sounds like homage to M.J.
STAN It still sounds like a home-made-scat-porno to me...But I'll get Wilf on the soundtrack - that posh fucker's got a real rock-solid trust-fund and a recording studio.
RUFUS Mate, his band are a bit -
STAN They're poppy and appeal to all markets. They're trying to be all-embracing. Rufus, you snob, being popular doesn't always mean selling out, right? I suppose it does mean being a bit dull.But that's fine. It's safe, remember? And he's trying to break the market with a safe brand. Everything's a fucking brand now. He'll be playing Koko in a couple of years.
RUFUS(laughing.) But he's almost a pensioner and they're -
STAN Don't be against the elderly now! No wonder you're unemployed - you're not being a team player!
RUFUS Before you jumped in, voice of the people, I was going to say gay. But that's probably not allowed as well, right?
STAN Mate, you have to accept everything today and make sure no-one is hurt. We're all victims and everything's soft, soft, soft.
RUFUS That's a good title - We're All Victims. Soft, soft, soft's not bad either; it's true though, isn't it?
STAN True Britain's always confused state. Cotton Wool Britain; that's what it is today. Pure shit.
RUFUS No, that's too obvious for a title...I don't know, maybe it'll-
STAN Too obvious? What is?
RUFUS Was that meant to be a joke?
STAN I think we can use that bit just then. We'll lob it in for episode two somewhere. Hopefully we'll get a few more hits than the finger-dancing to Daft Punk on YouTube.
RUFUS Fuck it mate, that's wicked. It's really fucky - it does your eyes in though, but it's great fingering!
STAN Easy mate - we'll get into trouble with puns like that.
RUFUS(shrugs.) What happened to good sharp digs at everything? I mean, if you produce it and all of that - why can't people just take that we're all free, I mean, it shouldn't be deemed offensive if it can be justified, right? It goes on? Look at this way, mate: how sensitive have people got? I mean, it does happen, where you warn people so they know what to expect, like in South Park, they take it as they like it.Fuckers get warned about offensive stuff and people still moan cos the fuckers are watching it!
STAN It's controversy though - it courts publicity and that's bad but good, right? That's why South Park uses the Manga-system of getting out of it cos it's animated, and it kinda struggles to shock really or have any consistent satirical point sometimes - sometimes it's diamond, real spot on; other times it's got no idea. It's just freedom of speech nihilism; just saying it for the sake of shit. Like all the shit that claims to just highlight shit - it's what soaps do too. What gets me miffed is when someone's got something really crucial to say it's usually banned - or buried somewhere - so no-one can find it! I wonder how many media people complain about media people today? We all know journo's and politicians are lunching together and probably fucking each other. That should be public information. Most journalists think they're elected too! The public don't seem to give a shit about most things on the box these days, though. Unless, it's for kids.
RUFUS I dunno - who complains then?
STAN I suppose insiders or hidden networkers. Other people's People - as they say.(RUFUS shakes his head partly in disbelief and partly due to being baffled.) We know they're all wankers, they all know each other. And maybe some old people - they always get the blame most of the time, but they're not all whingers.
RUFUS But it's good if old folk do moan as then it means lots of people are watching it. It does sound like a conspiracy theory though, mate. Maybe...Fuck knows, who knows? It isn't no science, right? Just bullshit - in varying extremes.
STAN(smirks.) I don't know. Maybe there's more in the theory - bullshit is a very powerful weapon if you're allowed to use it. But you would be safe then - you might get some pissy slot. Loose twats, the breakfast wank sofa - a safe P.C. spot that you can talk, but have to remain safe; add a few buzz words, too. If you're allowed, hint towards being blunt. It's all pretty limiting. I mean all these Channels, all these films we've got now and fuck all really pushing it.What are we really saying now? The odd bit of bullshit optimism, and fuck all else - that's what!
RUFUS(shrugs, looking gutted.) I can't think of anything to say that's half the problem. That Jerry Springer-singalong was safe though - I thought it was meant to be some kids programme, you know, trying to get the brats into opera. Great idea that one - fuck that! Trust the state broadcaster to buy into it, fucking out-dated sell-outs.(STAN laughs, shaking his head.) But Chemical Wedding was so funny - was it meant to be serious? Though I can't wait for more Killer Condom Man. We're fucked-up, aren't we?
STAN(takes a stereotypical "writer's pipe" out of his pocket and puts the pipe in his mouth, pretends to smoke it; tries to look academic but somehow sounds like he's taking the piss out of looking stereotypically academic or as a writer.) Yes, you rotter! I s'pose - we're some different fucked-up generation compared to the majority of these luvvies. They don't like anything too shocking. It's got to be done the middle-class way: talk, talk, talk. Maybe a broken glass or vase...possibly a slap, a quick dangle of jiggly bits, the odd abortion...Or fucking a horse - something quaint like that.
RUFUS I thought you said no class shit.
STAN I'm just using the lingo, mate - everyone knows it's bollocks today; but everyone smart still uses the class warrior lingo to generalise about shit. It's more protected in Britain than the States to be honest; I meant to say the middle-class way is very safe, it's the way of this country. You can slag things off - particularly the middle classes; they love slagging themselves off, right? - as long as you don't stick in any action or go too weird. Or be too truthful about the society we live in. Speak about it, like group therapy; it's the soft way. Just talk and talk. It's like the ad: it's good to talk. Remember it?
RUFUS(checking his mobile phone.) Nope. Shit that's boring, but I bet it's what people want - though they claim to know fuck all! I bet it'll be in some shitty course so some boring lecturer fucker can go on and on about it. It's got me thinking now... How about we do a monologue from the perspective of a zombie-kid? We might be able to make it post-apoc, like Dooms-
STAN I don't know mate. It'll get screwed over and hacked to shit. Before you know it'll be fluff. I reckon because it's a kid - I know we've seen worse before, but you know how it goes.
RUFUS Maybe a thirteen-year-old zombie-kid. I mean I still like to think of myself as youngish; but I've fucked a few yo-
STAN Mate - listen good: you can't stick bad personal experiences into things these days. There's websites for it now.
RUFUS It was mistake, though - I didn't know, honest, I was so fucked at the time. It was my -
STAN Mate, I don't want to know - but we can't do no zombie-kid shit, okay? Avoid it.
RUFUS But it'll be funny!
STAN I think it's been done anyway.
RUFUS Fuck Troma - they think of every fucked-up thing! I still love that chicken-zombie thing!
STAN(laughs, then has a "Eureka" moment, grabs RUFUS.) Unless we do some silence as a commentary on the blandness of the noughhties - didn't the Wombles-bloke do it?
RUFUS What? Just silence? That's nothing!
STAN Yep, we can remix it and give it a really long pretentiously arsey and wanky title, it'll be a hit, but we just lock our whole audience in the dark in silence and let them create their own sounds with their awkwardness. Who knows what might happen? We'll probably get a spontaneous orgy on film? To be honest, the noughties should be represented in puke.
RUFUS That must've been done. Like the shunt in that flick with the dude from Baywatch.
STAN I guess you're right.But then again you thought Dolphin Man: The Movie was the best thing you'd ever heard about.(RUFUS laughs, shrugging.) Fuck it, it was another shit idea anyway. I got to get some more coffee - want to come with me?
RUFUS Sure, sure. Need more snouts anyway.(Smirks at STAN, nods knowingly at STAN.) So how do you spot a shit idea from a really shitty idea?
STAN Honestly mate, you're lucky you're not a stand-up; you'd be buried somewhere by now!
RUFUS giggles, shrugging, as STAN chuckles at RUFUS as they exit to get more supplies
EPISODE TWO: SAFE THINKING [AND GOODBYE CRUEL WORLD!]
RUFUS and STAN are looking out across the park, watching people go by. RUFUS squashed some rubbish into a paper take-away bag, not bothered where the ash blows. STAN hands RUFUS his cup of tea in cardboard cup; and starts to roll a smoke on the A4 pad, knocking his collection of pens onto the floor.
RUFUS Man - look at all those junkies in the park, mate?
STAN They always do it, who cares.(Nodding into the distance.) Look over there.
RUFUS Shit - they prossies?
STAN Sure as - they've got to be. You don't hang round a dump like this with fuck all to do, glammed up like some pop-tart. You'd think more poof's would be out cruising.
RUFUS Some look like they've seen better days. Bet you The Big Issue-bloke's getting more punters.
STAN(shrugging, smiling.) Mate, this isn't getting anything done. Is it?
RUFUS You reckon they'll remake Band of Gold next? They could stick Girls Aloud or The Saturdays in the remake. Pop-Porn's the future, right?
STAN(smirks.) It seems like the culture of the UK. If you want a job, you already need to have done that job in the past or must still have the job you want to keep doing it. Right? You'll be lucky, then you pray you don't lose it.(RUFUS looks baffled.) It's the same with shows now mate; I blame Hollywood first, obviously, for all those bland comic-adaptations and old TV ones. Top it all off with really dull, self-obsessed, indie films. I mean it's seems standard that it already needs to have been done before it gets re-done. Adapted, re-made, based upon, inspired by, homage too - all deadly, beastly, words blatantly admitting to having no ideas. Or it comes out as a game as well, because they know it'll do better than the film. Look at anything now, right? To be fair mate, we should be looking at computer games.
RUFUS(shaking his head at STAN, looking serious.) I know some guy, he lives near me, right, known him for ages; well, he's a programmer - before he got laid off - he was working crazy hours during the week. I'm not joking with you, it'll almost kill you. Poor bloke had a fucking really mental nervous breakdown when he got dropped - it chews you up.
STAN It's like with anything today, to be honest, Rufus. It's not that shocking, sadly. You remember Eric?(RUFUS thinks for a bit then slowly nods.) Bleaches his ginger hair?
RUFUS Oh, right - him.
STAN He was at some posh uni for a bit, before he went on part two of his endless travels across our world, space and time. But he got offered some apprenticeship but the people he was working for were absolute shits; he ended getting roasted on the dole, saved it up as much as possible, obviously getting topped-up and bailed out by the bank of mumsy and papa - then went off travelling.Came back to Britain and went straight back on the dole. His dad had tried to line him up some cosy job, but he lost his crony-job, so it's gone a bit sour. Harsh on Eric, he's always been a bit, you know, better than the rest of us - with his background and all. It's probably why we all thought he was a bit of a dick - but he was funny.(RUFUS shrugs.) He lived for Facebook, MySpace and Bebo - I can't remember them all, loads of them - all those geek-things like that which are so normal now! He probably Twits - or tweets? - as well. Is that what it's called?(RUFUS shrugs, looking confused.) Hopefully, he won't go really mental, but he was phoning me up - all the fucking time at one point; he was wondering if Stevie was still dealing. I couldn't believe he hadn't heard.
RUFUS(smiles.) Shit, that's depressing. He's been out of it for a long time.
STAN Life though - isn't it?
RUFUS You don't want to think of that shit when you want to make people laugh or interested in the shit you're doing.
STAN I think it's part of the point.
RUFUS Point? Fuck any point, it just needs the basics - fuck a point.
STAN(doing the worse "comedy" Michael Caine impression ever.) Your puns are getting on my buns, bruv!
RUFUS That was an awful impression, mate. (STAN laughs.) Yeah, I'm just saying it should be whatever and let it flow - like Troma. EastEnders mixed with the Toxic Avenger.
STAN I'm thinking no-one will want to watch it. I'm not joking, it sounds like shite.
RUFUS Trash is love, Stan - I'll even lob in a mutant radioactive sperm-monster politician? I dunno if a cock-monster cop is pushing it?
STAN Are you four?
RUFUS Am I? I must be using your ID again.
STAN Yes, you're so fucked you think you're really the identity of your fake ID.
RUFUS(seriously, as if it's great idea.) But it's me, right? Fuck - that's pretty fucked, mate.
STAN(smiles.) No, not really - don't go there, mate!
RUFUS laughs, as STAN shakes his head in despair, hitting his head against the A4 pad.
EPISODE THREE: SAFELY-GO-LIGHTLY[softly,softly]
RUFUS and STAN watching something on a mobile phone. STAN and RUFUS both stub out smokes, turning off the mobile phone and taking out an old Nintendo DS; they start playing their games.
STAN Looks like we better watch some kids telly to get some real inspiration. Most of it's fucked and probably created by people in rehab. Fancy playing going back to mine to play Resistance first?
RUFUS I dunno...I ain't feeling too good. That Fear game's really fucked too - like the Overkill one and Bioshock. You got Killzone right?
STAN(smirking.) Somewhere. It's cool, you're fine.
RUFUS It's kicking in.
STAN What?
RUFUS(sweating, wipes his brow with his used tissue.) Don't go to the cartoon channels, Stan, we'll be there for hours again. It took me ages to recover after the last one.Some kids' telly programmes have got to be made for paedo's; it's all well sick, they make little kids look like mini-adults, then they make them interested in adult shit when we know they probably want to be footballers, or Lady Gaga! Not putting on fashion shows or trying to be talentless celebrities. It fucking sickens me - it really is a world of shit. That Alien Force thing ain't bad, though.
STAN Fuck, that's advertising for you. It's always who you know. That's why I don't get censorship! It's the way it is now. I'll get some more tea or coffee in a bit; it should be still open.
RUFUS(taking out a bottle of Bells, and lobs a pack of rolling tobacco at STAN.) I reckon we can get the Samurai Jack repeats on V.O.D., right?
STAN Shit - I didn't think of that; I was just going to rip them...Why didn't you say before?
RUFUS shrugs, as both he and STAN are transfixed by the rays of the laptop; they huddle around it, shivering.
EPISODE FOUR: UNSAFE PLACES [LIKE THE ABOVE]
RUFUS and STAN looking monged and tired, a near empty bottle of Bells, an over-flowing morass of coffee cups and other takeaway litter. STAN is checking something on his laptop; RUFUS swigs from the bottle of Bells noticing that STAN'S huge A4 recycled paper pad is still blank.
STAN Fancy watching Slugs later too? I reckon I've lost Basket Case, though.
RUFUS(coughs, sounding hoarse; hitting his legs as he can't feel them.) I dunno...you got that Cock-Head Killer-thing?
STAN Somewhere - I downloaded it ages ago.
RUFUS I'm feeling...I ain't got a clue mate, whatever. Fuck it - let's watch the lot. We'll be back here in the morning.
STAN I'm feeling it now. My bum's gone numb.
STAN tries to star jump, but he's all wobbly and just hops around, as he has pins and needles in his foot and sits back down, grimacing.
RUFUS I can't believe kid's shit can be so messed.
STAN Shit...I forgot about food. Sorry mate.
RUFUS Fuck that - where's my lighter?
STAN(yawning as he speaks.) How should I know?
RUFUS(laughing.) You had it last...Didn't you?
STAN(shrugs.) Fuck knows. Oh yeah, mate - sorry if I was on the bog in McDonalds for time; had Shredded Wheat for breakfast. Last time I have brekkie. Mister Hankey was busting some grooves in my gut all day.
RUFUS(thinking, zoning out.) Man, those kid's toons are all formulaic and have shitty little plots, some loaded connected fuck probably studied narratives on the most technical level, there wicked writer's sure - but there's nothing really there; maybe that's the fucking point? But, fuck, aren't they messed up!?
STAN Sure - you've just realised that? That is shocking, mate. I wonder how much propaganda you can hide into some vehicle like that. They should seriously study it. Tell me honestly, right? How did The Human Fist and that giant-toe-jam-alien-thing get through? That was really fucking messed. It's really funny, though - but they must study subliminal messages and shit like that.
RUFUS They must do, we all know it; it's just no-one cares now, it's all packaged-up like fluff - everything is now, isn't it? Everything's a warm cup of Ovaltine today. Stan, shit, it's exhausting trying to think about it - my mind's shot to shit. I really lost it during Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends. Thank fuck we didn't watch all of that Scruff film. It's as bad as that new Pokemon-thing. How did we resist watching more SpongeBob Squarepants and Cow and Chicken, though mate?(STAN shrugs smiling, looking baffled. He goes to sneeze but doesn't sneeze.) And those Ren and Stimpy re-runs had me seeing things - I hadn't seen them in years, man. Scooby-Dumb really did save the day for me then - I keep hearing the tune.
STAN That was funny - I saved it on my phone, too - I was giggling like a madman. I got more Batfink, but I'll stick Fritz the Cat on to chill you out - or how about watching Legend of the Overfiend again?
RUFUS(sweating.) Fuck - we should think about calling it a day.
STAN We might as well keep going now, then call it quits after we eat again.
RUFUS Pizza or chicken?
STAN Chinese?
RUFUS Indian?
STAN Oh fuck it - I got some biscuits around here. And I brought yesterday's pizza with me, if you want some?
RUFUS Yeah, sure fuck it...I'm not that hungry, anyway.
STAN Want some crisps?
RUFUS Hell yeah.
STAN(throws a pack of Doritos at RUFUS, who bursts the pack open and scoffs them. STAN clicks a remote and picks up a case, reading the back of it.) You cool to watch Frankenhooker?
RUFUS(talking to a Dorito.) Whatever.
RUFUS and STAN zone out, slowly eating their Doritos as time flies by.
EPISODE FIVE: KEEP IT SAFE
RUFUS and STAN are looking even more tired; they're looking at cut up pieces of napkin, and look thoroughly confused.
STAN Damn - this is never going to work.
RUFUS It might - if they just do it.
STAN No one will though, mate. No-one. Come on, it's a bit fucked.
RUFUS We're really selling out here - it's practically a rom-com now.
STAN(reads off a piece of the napkin.) With useless, putrifying, zombies...It's been done. Everything has in one way or another.
RUFUS Yeah, and -
STAN Let's not go there again.
RUFUS But it's funny! It can be quite fucked -
STAN I don't know about the story.
RUFUS Fuck the story - who cares these days about fucking boring stories?
STAN It needs a beginning. And a middle. Maybe an end. I suppose I'm being a bit academic about it.
RUFUS It's got it in there somewhere - you take what you want from it. It's full of fucking little events, fragments. It's like a tapestry.
STAN You've been jerking off over Burroughs recently. I told you going with Herb and Rob to that wanky Burroughs geek-fest will brainwash you forever. Maybe that was Burroughs plan. If he couldn't get the good honest folk hooked on skag and his queer ways, then he'll brainwash them with his damn good ideas!
RUFUS I just wish I thought of it all first.
STAN What a fucking jammy bastard. He was lightyears ahead of fucking everyone. Except Orwell, maybe?
RUFUS Yeah - it's a bummer, right?
STAN It's not our fault the book's fucked nowadays.
RUFUS Kindle will, erm, rekindle, the interest in words. Maybe. It's pretty pricey at the mo.
STAN What's the point when you can Twitter? Or just post a vid? Film yourself bashing one out, or whatever.
RUFUS Yeah, I suppose only jobless fuck-heads like us only have the time to actualy read it and write anyway. That's if you can actually read and write! Unless you're getting paid. Then you can call yourself a pro. Not like that, you know what I mean.(STAN laughs.) I suppose you can still fall back and keep filming wanking and all the rest of it if the serious stuff dries up. Wonder where it leaves you the time to look for a shit job?
STAN Good point. I gave up looking for work so long ago, I forgot I'm actually unemployable. Shit - we're going off on one again; let's get back to this: I still reckon we'll do the novel, then the tv thing, in various guises. Though we all know now the Beeb are total wankers, we'll have to muddle through it. It won't work on stage...Though you never know until you try, but that'll be unlikely; everything's damage limitation mode and needs to be done before. Though, it's not like it's got a huge budget or many props.
RUFUS That's what I was thinking. Someone must have the bottle to give it a go. That's the problem it's all D.I.Y., unless you're in the know. And money helps. But then who's got the bottle these days to do anything truly different?
STAN Well, it's not different really. It's the same as everything else, but it's a bit more unbalanced....I reckon we should save our precious benefit money to stage it ourselves. (RUFUS shakes his head at STAN, looking angry.) I know, it's unreal. We'll take years, possibly aeons to get the hire deposit ready. It's looking fucked for us. We'll remain voiceless on that front.
RUFUS(smoke hanging from his mouth, trying to get his lighter to work.) It's a bit of rich kid club now I suppose. It's all a bit ooh-ahh. Mincing poofs, the odd asylum comedy, and boring politically correct stuff. Tick-boxing, right? You need the Blackie, the Paki, the Chinkie, the Spic, the Kike, and the Aryan. And the transgendered disabled immigrant sub-plot. Need the WASP-ish lead, of course. (STAN tries to look for a lighter, taking him ages, eventually gives up looking.) Unless it's something based in the past. It's all packaged up so cutesy, it makes me sick. People do hang around with different races, right? We all know someone at some point in time - but the only emphasis they keep pushing is that this country is one happy, integrated fucking family, when in fact it's quite clearly not. It's full of lies. I've never seen anything I like in a theatre, anyway. Unless it's actually a bit pornified - then it's worth it. I know I'm sick. As long as there's blood and nudity in it, I love it. Fucked, isn't it?
STAN Don't worry mate - it's nothing new, either; it's the way of the world.(Opens a new bottle of cheap brandy.) Discrimination is equality because then people can feel scarred by the experience and write about it.
RUFUS Yeah, some wanky blog no-one reads.
STAN We might read it?
RUFUS That's not really the point - is it?
STAN At least someone will read it.
RUFUS Fuck - it's so depressing.
STAN Yes, I suppose. But it's life.
RUFUS Fuck...Can't we -
STAN Don't suggest ripping off Weird Science again.
RUFUS But mate...the geeks, yeah, check it: the geek characters can be like sitcom writers. We can get Ronnie Corbett out of retirement.
STAN Dream on, mate. He hasn't retired, has he?
RUFUS I don't know. But we can get them as burnt-out writers. getting paid, getting hassle from the shitty system, doing some shitty PC wank called Bin-Skin-Oaks. That can be the name of the series?
STAN It's a bit obvious. I mean, you'd have to thick not to -
RUFUS What?
STAN Well, it's a bit two-dee. We need real characters. Like Fletcher out of Porridge and -
RUFUS Man, if we were living in the fucking Seventies or Eighties, we'll be able to go as two-dee as we wanted. No-one cares what their fucking Granny did - all that back-story bullshit. Fucking Fry and Laurie didn't have to worry about fucking back-story!
STAN But they were funny. We're not.
RUFUS We're not meant to be - this is meant to be fucking saying something, like, really you know...Fucking transen-thingy, all kind of karma-versal.
STAN Mate - you're a sound bloke most of the time, but you're so full of shit at times, it's unreal.
RUFUS At least I'm being honest about it - who wants to be fucking liked anyway?
STAN Good point, you might have something there. I suppose most people are arseholes - myself included.
RUFUS I was about to include you also, don't worry.
STAN Fuck it's tough thinking of shit. I reckon we'll be needing a lot of crack by the end of the night.
RUFUS I got a link -
STAN I was joking...(Sniffing.) Though something's in the air, right?
RUFUS Oh...So you don't want -
STAN Look, let's try and focus for once.
RUFUS I tell you what - how about we piss around, and just see what happens, if it don't happen it don't happen and let's just relax.
STAN Yeah, fuck it. I suppose it's better than paying a oner - or more - for some wanky course.
RUFUS Hell yeah. Look, Stan, I don't want to call it brainstorming or anything, but we really need some solid idea - maybe one or two solid central charatcers. It's all about the people right?
STAN Fuck it - I reckon we should make predictions, like in the really old sci-fi-horror and see if they come true.
RUFUS Stan, shit - that's a good idea. But that's -
STAN I know it's been done, but it can be more than just distorted time piecing. Watchmen mixed with The Class of Nuke 'Em High with a bit of Only Fools and Horses and The Killing Fields thrown in for your warped mind.
RUFUS(seriously.) Shit - that actually sounds good.
STAN(baffled.) What?
RUFUS Isn't that a good idea? It's our first mate!
STAN(seriously.) No, seriously Rufus - I was pissing around.
RUFUS That's wicked though - we could say things sort of political, I don't know much about that shit, but general shit like tha USA will get a Gay Hispanic female President and a Gay Black Woman Vice-President. They can live together at the White House. Shit - that'd be mental.
STAN That's not bad. I'm clearly not political, in fact, I'm like lots of people: I really don't give a shit; I tend to be annoyed more about employment sectors and single-issues more than society at large, so I don't complain, I expect it to be shit. We're fucking human, right? But then again I suppose everything's political, we just can't be arsed with it. (RUFUS laughs, but shrugs, looking slightly baffled.) But I think what you've said is stretching it -
RUFUS But it's worth a pop?
STAN I guess, but it's a waste of time; we'll be rejected.
RUFUS Isn't it always about time? I mean we need decades right?
STAN I don't know. There seems to be nothing immediate for us to access. It's quite helpless.
RUFUS It's a fucking lottery. We should claim discrimination.
STAN Can you be that arsed?
RUFUS Yeah, true. It sounds like a long-shot.
STAN No, it sounds like bollocks. And we just want to do something. Anything. All we've had ideas on is our main characters might be zombies that go 'Urrgggh'. A lot. I reckon it's a good to do hero zombies, but really, can we really be on the zombies side?
RUFUS Zombies get a tough time, mate. It's not like they got any say in coming back from the dead right? That's got to be a good start. What else we got again?
STAN(showing RUFUS the blank pad of A4 paper; smiling.) Am I annoying you yet? Is this driving you crazy, too?
RUFUS Fuck yeah.
STAN(beat.) Let's enjoy the weather.
RUFUS You want a time out?(STAN looks annoyed.) Don't worry - we've just got to be positive.
STAN(laughs.) Now that's bullshit!
RUFUS(with a straight-face.) Yeah...I know. Fuck we're really going no-where with this. Let's have a two-minute silence to think. Just pure thinking. Like...a diarrhoea of ideas; some relieving dumpage of thought.
STAN(annoyed again.) Don't say that - I'll have to go shit again.
RUFUS Well, it's just the way it comes out...I'll shut up...Get the pens ready, Stan.
RUFUS and STAN struggle to think; both looking slightly baffled and slightly annoyed.
EPISODE SIX: EVERYTHING'S MEH [Meh?]
RUFUS and STAN are looking shocked they still have not come up with anything. The page is still blank on the open A4 paper pad. They both look really tired now, they have been at it for a long time, but both of their concentration spans are failing, as is time. STAN yawns, looking for some rolling papers, dropping his lighter. RUFUS blows his nose on a tissue, looking a bit ill, looking up at the sky.
STAN It's not really gone to plan.
RUFUS I don't care now. Should've stuck to photography.
STAN Should've thought about deejaying!
RUFUS No way, mate, I'm no muso.
STAN I was joking. All that ego-shit as well.
RUFUS I can beatbox a bit if you -
STAN I will beat you if you start -- no offence.
RUFUS(smiles, his eyes barely open; sounds shocked.) None taken; I get that response a lot...Shit...I can't believe we came up with nothing, Stan.
STAN I'm calling time on it. It's boring me now. Alright, last thought, in Jerry Springer's Final Thought mode here: a prediction thing; A real Jim Morrison moment here, Rufus; I reckon there'll be games like what Burt Reynolds likes where you can make your own shit up; music, films, whatever. And you can make your own professional looking virtual films by capturing anything from the worldwideweb, or your cam. It'll be easy and it'll fuck the film world if they don't go with it and it'll get smaller and more people will be cool to access things. It'll be less of a club. I suppose the harsh thing is that everyone is meant to be obsessed by fame. But we're not - so they're might be others like it too. they just want to put their ideas out there. animation might become alot easier too. I reckon it'll happen, you can turn one of little ideas into a massive epic. You get me?
RUFUS Not really; it sounds pretty much like what's slowly happening anyway.
STAN Shit really? Fuck...I don't know. Fuck prediction-stuff then. I hate all that anyway.(RUFUS shrugs, wiping his nose again.) Shit, time's really flown by. We better think about calling it a day.
RUFUS Yeah, I got to...What was I meant to be doing?
STAN Do I look like your P.A?
RUFUS(thinking about what he was meant to be doing.) Erm...Umm?
STAN I don't know shit - like you, mate.(RUFUS sniggers, trying to think of something to say.) But I've got to get some more milk in a bit, I promised thingy I'd get some.
RUFUS Shit, Stan, I'm gutted we wasted all this time.
STAN It was fine - I'd've only watched all that shite on my own anyway! It was healthyish getting out to the park. It wasn't too bad for me.
RUFUS(smirks.) Yeah, it's cool.
STAN I did think, briefly, of a book-idea. More of a variation-tweak really. It's been done, of course. But...always a but -
RUFUS(shaking his head, disappointed.) But then you figured you haven't read one for ages, right?
STAN Yep.(Yawns.) Boring shitty books. I just don't do it no more. Secretly, I blame higher education for making you hate reading - but that's a conspiracy theory of mine. But I really can't be fucked to stick it out anymore. I'd be quite happy to never read another academic book ever again.
RUFUS(rubs his eyes.) I don't know what's good...It's all meh...you know?
STAN Don't be too down, mate. It's mostly meh.
RUFUS No-one says 'meh' do they?
STAN I've never heard people say it - seen it written down a lot - but maybe the future is meh. It must've been spoken before - hasn't everything?
RUFUS(shrugs, looking unsure, picking up the A4 paper pad and a pen and starts to doodle on it.) It's gotta be an American idea or saying - this shit country thinks of nothing; we're a little rip-off America as usual.
STAN True. But then again we could get historical.
RUFUS Very clever-clever Stan - no-one like's a smug smart-ass, though! (STAN smirks, looking smug.) But it's all breeze now - who cares today?(Blows his nose again, as STAN counts some loose change he's found in his pocket.) What about a book then?
STAN Well a book's a book, right? Say what you like, pretty much. It's D.I.Y.You've got to sell it really, like anything. But then again, it can just be left outthere, so to speak. Not too much schmoozing involved and you can cut out the middle-wankers if you're like...well, us. It's all there. Leave it, know where it is, forget about it and let it collect dust like the billions of others. Simple. Freedom, right? Just alienated. It's the same as a website, blog or e-book no-one bothers to read or look at. It's still debatable, but it's possible, that the book-form's less environmentally friendly though. Short stories are a bit wanky now, though I wish everything was a short story.
RUFUS I never thought of it like that.
STAN But then again, the last book I read was Killer in Drag.
RUFUS I agree there mate - I can't handle reading anything too heavy now. That one might be funny, though. Who it by?(STAN shrugs.) I think I've seen the film, though...Shit, you know, I'd struggle with a comic now.
STAN I know the feeling. Don't worry about it. We've officially had our imaginations erased by the twenty-first century. Fuck it, mate. It'll pass - I've got something to show you.(RUFUS smiles; STAN shakes his head, pre-empting a bad pun, but STAN takes out his DS.) Check out how far I got with this new game - I know it's for kids but it's mental.
RUFUS Yeah,sure.
We see RUFUS and STAN lost in the game, the A4 pad gets forgotten, as RUFUS throws it behind the bench.
[5] KIOSK
by O'SULLIVAN and PETERSON
People:
BILL, in his thirties.
BEN, in his forties.
DAISY, in her twenties.
SCENE: A car park. Morning. The car park is empty, and the kiosk overlooks it [and can be simply offstage for fairly obvious practical purposes.] BILL is reading a newspaper. BEN enters, slowly approaching BILL. BEN carries a plastic carrier bag.
BEN You're back then?
BILL I never left! I'm not like you.
BEN You were on the bog when I left.
BILL You don't work here, do you?
BEN Don't be silly. I only stopped by before I went to the shop.Want a bag of crisps?
BILL No. Sorry, no thanks - very kind of you to offer, though. But it's a no, I'm afriad. I've got biscuits. Anyway, you should know that I can't take gifts from the public.
BEN I'm just any old member of the public, though. It's nothing. I just wanted lunch now.
BILL It's nine in the morning, isn't it?
BEN Well, it's good to plan ahead, right?
BILL I don't know. Lunch is a long way off. We'll cross that bridge when we get to it.Why you here?
BEN I've just got nothing to do, that's all.
BILL Get a job then?
BEN I can't. I'm disabled.
BILL Really?
BEN Yes, I've been that way for sometime now. I just do a bit of wandering about.
BILL I see. Bumming around. So you're hanging round here?
BEN It's always empty here. I go for walks around here. Right after 'This Morning'.
BILL You slacker!
BEN I haven't heard that one before! So, mate, seen any cars then? Not exactly busting a gut here, are you?
BILL I got the job though! I get off my backside in the morning. Get off my case. Mate.
BEN Mate - that's nice! I get off my arse too, don't I? Or I wouldn't be chatting to you, would I mate?
BILL That's a good point, actually. I didn't ask you to chat to me, did I?
BEN It must get boring out here?
BILL Yes, it does get dull. I've got my new mobile - does the works - and an old transistor just in case I run out of battery. It'll be useless soon. I just hope I never run out of batteries. I bring a newspaper, sometimes even a dirty book but I don't read much these days, though.
BEN Yeah, I know. I just managed to pick up the sports news. It's much better than the real news - it's far too grim that.
BILL True, very true. We've got it good really, even though it's all pretty shit.
BEN Well, you have it good - getting paid for doing nothing!
BILL Oh no, I got forms and I work long hours. It's tough. And shit.
BEN It's the sign-posting, right? They mucked up the sign-posting, didn't they?
BILL Bloody council idiots; nobody knows the car park exists - do they?
BEN Like out of a zombie movie, isn't it? You're right, though.
BILL It's all the time. It's really doing my head in.
BEN It can be exciting, if you spot some of the random stuff that happens here. You do get the odd lost car, or someone who's trying to dump a vehicle. It's mainly early hours that happens
BILL I wouldn't know.
BEN Asleep?
BILL No, well, I don't know. Do I?
BEN But don't you see them?
BILL No, it'll be more work then. I let the agency take the dead cars and deal with the stragglers.
BEN I reckon I could do your job.
BILL Of course you could, but not every Tom, Dick, or Harriet will stick it out though. It's just the hours are long and the pay isn't great. It's a nightmare, I dread coming here.
BEN Can I cover you when you go on holdiay?
BILL No, our agency takes care of all that.And we do have another couple of guys. One of the guys - I say guys as they're usually blokes - but I was so shocked to find a Polish woman doing this job. Who would've thought it? I know. I was in complete shock for a long time; she turned up for her shifts when I had to get my piles sorted.
BEN Damn. How about a jobshare?
BILL A what?
BEN If the hours are too long for you, maybe I can help you? It's all about quality of life these days, isn't it? You could sub it out to me and you just keep your mobile handy if I have any problems here. Like a supervisor?
BILL No, I can't. It does sound good though. No, I should'n't even think about it. But I suppose you do spend a lot of time here, don't you? I could call you an informant?
BEN But I'll just be keeping an eye on it, right?
BILL No, no, it's daft. We all need to be vetted these days. How do I know you won't go off for a wander or commit some random crime?
BEN Well, you're paying me, aren't you?
BILL But you might not be the working sort?
BEN OK, fine, I'll admit it: I'm unemployed. I've been that way long before it became fashionable again. But I worked years ago. I always dreamed about an easy job, and I mean that. You just might have winged it.
BILL Yes, it's pretty easy, I suppose. I would be doing you a huge favour. Hang about though, I'd have to pay you cash in hand right?
BEN No, I'm willing to risk a comfortable benefit, built up through years of boring idleness and I will be pleased - no, honoured! - to assist you.
BILL What if you quit on me?
BEN I won't, I've got a thick skin. Even if you swear and shout at me and call me lots of bad names. I'm a professional.
BILL That's good to hear. You're not quoting adverts at me are you? It's not a good way to sell yourself.
BEN Sorry, I can't help it if I am! I've watched so much TV. You might not understand.
BILL I don't know if I like you. You're a bit weird. And you've hung round me too much. I should make it fair and advertise the job to people who don't linger around here through boredom.
BEN Think about it. Think of all the free time you'll have.
BILL Maybe, if you're family you've got to help them get on, as we say over here. Got a nephew, yeah, just graduated in fine art. Utterly useless. Probably end up in porn; it's very weird.He's a right little poof aswell, but a really nice guy. I suppose he's a bit dull, although I probably just don't get his arty ways! He might like this job. He'd need it to be an artsypants. He's never had a job before. But I'd let him work here on the sly. Give him some experience. It's not like he's earning loads, though he might make a mint in the artworld if he dies. You know how queer that lot is. Why don't you find a mate who might do that for you?
BEN I don't know. I just don't have those sort of connections. And I know nothing about art. Can't I share your connections? I should've made more, I suppose.
BILL Yes, you should have! You're washed up. You need to sell yourself more. You've got to keep moving and keep with the times.
BEN Easy for you to say.
BILL What's your name, by the way?
BEN You forgot it already?
BILL I, erm,uh, well maybe. I don't know if you said it. I'm good with names.
BEN Ben.
BILL Well Ben, I'm Bill. That's funny.
BILL and BEN shake hands.
BEN You sure you don't want a bag of crisps?
BILL No, no, it's fine Ben. Thanks once again. I suppose it's good to have someone to chat to! I usually talk to myself.
BEN So do I! I've seen you talk to yourself here.
BILL That's not weird, is it?
BEN Who cares? [BILL shrugs.] At least nothing happens here. It's great to know.
BILL Someone got a flat tyre the other day.
DAISY enters looking strssed, her mobile phone in her hand. BEN ogles DAISY as she approaches.
BILL Hello darling; can I help you?
DAISY A car up the road has been dumped and it's blocked me in. You get a lot of joyriders around here. I need to phone the council, but my poxy mobile's out of reception. You mind if I use a phone?
BILL The receptions bad here and there's no external line here.
DAISY Damn. What do I do?
BILL I don't know; I don't think I'm paid to make those sort of decisions. Can't you find a call box?
BEN Get real mate, it's nothing but vandalised wastes out here!
BILL True. Maybe I can use me laptop?
DAISY Look, I won't keep you, I just need to get out. I'm going to be late for my meeting.
BILL Want a bag of crisps while you wait for the council to tow it away?
DAISY Thanks. Don't mind if I do.
DAISY takes a bag of crisps from the carrier bag, opens them and starts eating. BILL and BEN stare at her.
DAISY Lovely crisps. They handcooked?
BILL I don't know. It say on the bag? They're Ben's crisps.
DAISY They're nice. Thanks for the crisps.
BEN Should say on the pack if they're handcooked. Watch out for salt; the posh ones are bad -- you know they hide it
DAISY Salt? I like them salty, isn't that the whole point?
BILL Yikes, easy on lady. No need to get racy. I was being healthy, that's all.
DAISY I'm sorry?
BEN I think he's joking. You get used to it. He's a bit of a prude, aren't you old Bill?
BILL What?
DAISY You don't look like a prude, Bill.
BILL Old Bill?
BEN It's fine, Bill. I was just being affectionate.
BILL I don't like men being affectionate to me like that! I know it's the twenty-first century and all; but I still don't like men being all like that with me. Honest to God, it sends shivers down my spine!
BEN Really?
DAISY I think it's cute.
BILL Do you?
DAISY Yes, it's very sweet.
BILL You're an odd sort.
DAISY Not really. I just like it that you can be open without bullshitting each other.
BILL I don't lie. I don't believe in bullshit and I've no need to lie. I work in a car park.
BEN We're not together-together, if you get what I mean?
DAISY What about this phonecall?
BILL I don't know if I can help. It's out of my hands.
BEN I've got an idea. It's a bit of a longshot but, maybe, we can budge the other car? So you can get your own car out?
DAISY That's a good idea. I don't mind helping.
BILL Hold on a moment. What about health and safety? Ben, lad, I thought you're disabled?
BEN I am.
BILL But there's a camera's round there, isn't there? They'll nab you, I've seen those scary adverts on the telly.
BEN And? It's probably a decoy anyway.
DAISY I don't mind if it's a problem. I'll walk to the council offices or something.
BILL No, it's no problem. No problem at all, dearie. Just a bit of a headache. It's me back, too. I got to watch it now.
BEN You should try homeopathic remedies.
BILL Oh no, I don't do no queer foreign drugs. I just dip into mother's morphine now and again.
BEN I see. That explains a fair bit.
BILL Yes, you probably notice I get the odd tweaks now and again.
BEN Tweaks? As in tweaking?
BILL No, I suppose it's more of a twinge.
DAISY Did you say Morpheus?
BILL No, it's nothing dodgy. None of these foul kiddie party drugs you probably know all about. Never heard of that stuff anyway. No, I'm not really in touch with all that rubbish. It's all rubbish, isn't it? You don't know what's what these days!
BEN How's this chat going to get a car moved?
BILL Good point that.
DAISY I think it's going to rain soon.
BILL[gulping, as is he's asking DAISY out.] Fancy keeping warm in the kiosk? We can all squeeze in. It can be quite cosy sometimes. Can't we try? We'll try and move the piece of scrap blocking you in when the rain stops. It'll be better.
BEN Tough, isn't he?
DAISY I don't know if I should get in a kiosk with strange men.
BEN He's right, it's starting to spit.
DAISY Oh yes, I should say I'm Daisy. Did I say that?
BEN It doesn't matter now. Nothing happens when it's about to rain.
DAISY Thanks for not calling me pet, girly, or dearie. Much appreciated that.
BILL I can't help calling folk that. It's me age I think. I'm sorry.
DAISY It's fine; it's usually a sleazy old man thing anyway.
BILL I just invited you into my kiosk -- I'm not being sleazy. Honest!
BEN Don't wind him up; he can't help being boring.
BILL Will you stop slagging me off?
BEN I'm not.
BILL You shouldn't be here. I'm going to use my walkie-talkie to get rid of you now.
BEN Bill, you idiot!
BILL What?
DAISY[smiles; slightly baffled.] You have a walkie-talkie?
BILL Yes, it's for emergencies. I get into trouble if I use it. The battery isn't great at times.
DAISY But you can call someone on it and then they can sort out that car, can't they?
BILL I don't know. Maybe, I suppose.
BEN Bless him, he's in a tough job.
BILL Shut up you. I think I will have a bag of crisps. [Takes a bag of crisps.] In my kiosk. Alone.
BILL exits in a strop leaving DAISY and BEN standing around.
BEN I'm sure he'll use his thingy to get you help. He won't leave you in the lurch, he's got nothing else to do.
DAISY I don't know, I've a bad feeling about this.
BEN So what you doing here anyway? Sorry, that's nosy.
DAISY Yes, it is. You can keep warm in my car though, if you want too.
BEN Kiosk or a car? That's tough! Your car or his kiosk? It's a tough choice, but I think I'll go with you.
DAISY I thought so.
BEN and DAISY exit, going towards her car. After a pause, BILL enters, clutching his open bag of crisps.
BILL[shouting after them.] BEN! BEN! HEY! I don't like Prawn Cocktail! BEN!
END
Impressum
Tag der Veröffentlichung: 02.09.2010
Alle Rechte vorbehalten