GEORGE O'SULLIVAN AND COLIN PETERSON: PLAYS 1:WEIRD TIME BLUES SERIES[PART1]

Contents

 

1] The MIASMA OF EDUCATED BLISS
    

2] ZWISHZAPZINGZONG
    

3] COL46X

 

THE MIASMA OF EDUCATED BLISS
by GEORGE O'SULLIVAN AND COLIN PETERSON

CAST:


"GUTHRIE" / "WILF": "GUTHRIE" - an eccentric full-time 'life' student, who seems to make a career of doing lots of different courses and not really completing any degrees, but the soundest bloke without a doubt - even if he's a bit mad! /"WILF" - smart posh-boy on a constant events junket, where moomsy and poopa have all the wedge and he can prove his point by going to university for what he deems a "life experience".

ERIC SADLER / "TAV" / "TEDDY": ERIC SADLER - a complete waster but somehow manages to blag fairly decent grades. If he actually tried he might do really well, but he's easily distracted and way too busy getting fucked to really worry./ "TAV" - is a complete poser who tries to mould himself as a lad-G-chav-Fifty-Cent-as-a-student; wears a bandana and baseball cap and likes to moisturise. / "TEDDY" - undecided about being a student and is a bit over-awed by everything even though it's all completely shit, he's come from another campus and seems to be scared of being sociable.

PROFESSOR TOBIAS PERCIVAL / DR ANDRE DIRKSON /PERSON LOOKING LIKE BARNEY THE DINOSAUR: PROFESSOR TOBIAS PERCIVAL - a balding, affable, lecturer who never chats about the work, and assumes everyone will pass; he's terribly nice, but he's frightened of his wife and his elderly mum, so is always in a rush to get away and off campus. He's also frightened of his annoying colleague, DR. DIRKSON, so he wants to avoid him. / DR. ANDRE DIRKSON - a lecturer and wannabe lad and is trapped between wanting to be a lecturer but still lives like a trend-loving student./ PERSON LOOKING LIKE BARNEY THE DINOSAUR - a random student - one of those predictable "wacky" people, who usually figure dressing as Chewbacca or some other Kid culture icon is "wacky" enough; but this is pushing it for them, as this particular "individual" is on a messy theme-night at the bar.

STAR LAZLO / DOCTOR SUKIM-LONG-LI: STAR LAZLO - I.D. crisis-ridden U.S exchange student with a rich daddy and pre-arranged marriage to an aged hippy's computer geek son, who's still twenty years her senior; but she's loving sucking cock, licking pussy and all sorts of lesbo-bi play, very AC/DC, as long as it's not too full on. She's trying to technically be the world's first bisexual "virgin" and a re-born Cana-atheist and advocates free-love inspired by a weird mixture of Paganism, Christianity and Spiritualism / DR.SUKIM-LONG-LI - enigmatic new lecturer, dressed as some sort of dominatrix, but is the faculty "terrorism expert" that no-one understands; she is bisexually rampant and will sleep with anything - guaranteed.

UNKNOWN BAR DJ[voice off/over].

Place: on the dilapidated Upper Ramsbottom campus, which is stuck in the middle of no-where; the nearest place resembling civilisation is a boring village called Aldbush.

PART ONE: STUDDIN'[issue VII, vol.3]

ONE:BUS STOP.
Empty bus timetable holder, next to a flimsy plastic sign under a flickering light. SADLER, who is wearing a tattered sweater, ripped jeans, and some falling apart Adidas Samba, has stacked it on the floor; as he tries to stand, swaying, he swallows some more vomit; then goes to lick his split drink off the floor, but GUTHRIE, enters, looking like a dandy Mandrake The Magician, smoking and rubbing his gums with his index finger.

GUTHRIE I can't believe it's almost over! We better go to this lecture, methinks. Sorry - you're Sadler, right? My vision's a tad -

SADLER(burps in GUTHRIE'S face, drooling slightly, tries to belch saying 'Fuck'.) D'I smell like puke, mate?

GUTHRIE(cheerful) I don't know. My nose is blocked; I snorted some Super Noodles as a joke last night. It was funny at the time - weren't you there?

SADLER(tapping his nose.) I hear you...I might start trying at some of the courses - they're interesting. Might as well have a swift pint first, then I'll crack on.

GUTHRIE(hands SADLER some Pro-Plus tablets.) Don't sulk - let's go now, or we'll be liquefied for the rest of the day.

SADLER(sulking, eating the Pro-Plus tablets like mints, sucking on them.) I'm too tired, mate, I'm still trying to get back home; left me diss there...I really am....(Rubs his eyes.) It's so easy just failing and to defer again - like Rufus and Stan. That reminds me they phoned me about...Where's me phone, it's contract... Shiiiit (Searches for his mobile phone, but it tires him. Yawns, mumbling.) Those shroomytrippycookies’re really -

GUTHRIE Shut it you fat tart! Get up! (Helps SADLER to his feet, even though SADLER clings to GUTHRIE for support.) We'll grab a swift one! It'll perk you up!

They slowly stumble into:

TWO:BAR
GUTHRIE and SADLER are sitting down, looking bored; they're surrounded by empty plastic pint glasses and plastic jugs. We hear My Pet Junkie's 'Delay Jam' clearly, as if the band are rehearsing in another part of the bar. Suddenly, the P.A. cuts out then bursts into life with an awful Euro-pop remix of Blondie's 'Atomic' on a loop. GUTHRIE is still dressed as some sort of weird gothic dandy Mandrake The Magician, and tries to read a huge book, which he seems to be struggling to read, swaying - occasionally resting his head on the book. Whereas SADLER is staring into space, not really doing anything.

GUTHRIE(stubbing out his resin covered smoke into his book, trying to joke how a stereotypical drunk sounds.) Mate-yoooooussshasooooooooooooooomashed, maaaaaaaaaaaan! (Stuffing his mouth full of Pro-Plus; rubbing his eyes, while SADLER retches.Suddenly speaking with an Oxbridge accent.) I'm awake!? I'M ALIIIIIIIIIIIIVE! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE UP!

SADLER There's a greeney in me pint.

GUTHRIE Oooooh! Green? How much?

SADLER It's not me pint? Is it?

GUTHRIE(finds a rolling paper, goes to hand it to SADLER, then suddenly changes his mind and tries to make a little pirate hat out of it, putting it on SADLER'S head.) Don't stress it, mate! I've got a chequeski - oh yes, matey-o - we'll rip it! Ooo-urgh!

SADLER(takes the rolling paper off his head, but also slaps his head.) I ripped me coursework?

GUTHRIE Ripped who? They a new band here? Band names are awful these days - though it sounds like a tribute thingummy.

SADLER(trying to roll a smoke out of the pirate hat, but can't really focus too well.) Huh?

GUTHRIE What night is it?

SADLER(his unrolled smoke falls apart, as he drops the Rizla.) Ermumm...er-

GUTHRIE Thin Tony's PhatFartChart? I reckon it's a good product - even if we have to pay a few quid.

SADLER I ain't -

GUTHRIE(looking at his wrists, there's no watch on them, just leather straps.) Damn, we've missed our lectures - haven't we?

SADLER I might be failing it anyway.

GUTHRIE My plan is to fail!(Punches up into the air.) I AM NOT A PRODUCT BOY-O! You know, I'd love a re-take year! Maybe go to another campus, change course, change Uni - yes, I know! Again! The opportunities to hide are endless... It might be more work, apparently, but oh well! Failing is very easy these days. My folks'll stump up - they're great - the daft -

SADLER We don't really do much here - do we?

GUTHRIE(shrugging, takes more pills.) Don't want to be out there! Stuck in the rat-race - being another Rat-sucker! Constantly selling ourselves when we can get it here for free? No pressure here - thank gawd! It's depressing me to think about it all, though. I'll get more pints in, don't you worry, mate.

A jug of Snakebite is handed to GUTHRIE who puts two small straws into it and starts to guzzle it, while SADLER retches into it, but still manages to try and compete with GUTHRIE to drink it down to froth.

SADLER(looking exhausted.) I'll go to th’ bog. I left me stash in there.

GUTHRIE Don't tell Rufus or Stan about it this time - please don't get them -

SADLER Who?

GUTHRIE(looking around, checking under the table; slightly paranoid.) Oh sod it - they're not here now!

SADLER(takes GUTHRIE'S book and rips off the back cover.) Right - okay? (GUTHRIE points to the back of the book SADLER'S now holding, as if SADLER has committed a terrible crime.) Don't stress it bro - it'll be recycled, mate!

GUTHRIE(nodding.) Well, don't drop out just yet - it's your round, Sadler. Isn't it? (SADLER stumbles away, exits to the toilet, as GUTHRIE throws his cheque in the direction of the bar. ) The S.U here really is -

GUTHRIE realises he's on his own in the bar. He looks around but it's empty, eerily quiet. GUTHRIE starts to use his book as some sort of bongos. TEDDY enters looking around in wonder at the shitty state of the bar. TEDDY dresses too smartly even though he's trying to look casual, and wears a leather jacket which is too big for him; but prides himself on being clean shaven with a smart haircut. He carries a thin backpack.

TEDDY Excuse me, sir, but is this Jay-four?

GUTHRIE(stops beating the book.) Huh? Sir?

TEDDY I reckon I've got it -

GUTHRIE WHERE?

TEDDY I'm -

GUTHRIE(knowingly.) Fresher, eh?

TEDDY Oh no, it's my final year.

GUTHRIE And I thought I knew everyone here?

TEDDY I'm from the other campus, but my -

GUTHRIE OK! OK! OK! I don’t want the fucking backstory! Sit down, mate. (TEDDY sits down.) Drinky-poosie?

TEDDY No, I don't drink - thank you very much.

GUTHRIE(looking shocked.) Sorry?

TEDDY(looking pressured, wipes sweat from his brow with a hand-wipe.) I'll have a half then.

GUTHRIE(hands TEDDY a pint full of extinguished cigarette/joint butts.) Try this. It must be a new drink on offer - I haven't a clue what it is, though!

TEDDY(feeling for some change; takes it out of a plastic bank coin-bag, and starts to count it.) I'll go to the bar.

GUTHRIE They'll be back in a bit. I'll refrain from chatting absolute bollocks but stone cold balls to it! I can't help it with all this time in higher education now - I've a point, I'll get there, don't worry - here have this. Go on, kid!

GUTHRIE hands TEDDY an orange juice full of what looks like powder. GUTHRIE pours a some vodka into it for TEDDY, while he looks around the bar.

TEDDY Do you know where Jay-Four is? (Taking out a photocopied map out of his backpack, it's in an A4 plastic vest.) I can't-

GUTHRIE Don't worry, I've been here, four, five - no, three years! Something like that anyway - but I honestly couldn't tell you half the buildings here!

TEDDY You do Criminal Lit?

GUTHRIE I do something somewhere, but I lost my forms; it's a pick and mix course.

TEDDY Oh.

GUTHRIE You like it here?

TEDDY It's a bit strange. I didn't imagine university like this.

GUTHRIE Like what?

TEDDY I'm a bit nervy here.

GUTHRIE Why?

TEDDY Is it always empty?

GUTHRIE No, it's Eggy Dave's Cheese Mix tonight! There'll be strippers!

TEDDY They're refurbishing?

GUTHRIE Some dodgy slappers from the brothel in town; me mate, Sadler, he fucked one in the field! He got caked in cow shit, puke, cum, blood and grass! Now that was a night! I'm not joking, mate, the rashes we had in the morning! I can't remember much, though, it's a bit of a blur - thankfully!

TEDDY(as if he's been thinking about something else.) What is?

GUTHRIE It's always messy - you know how it goes?

TEDDY No, I don't. Sorry what's your name again?

GUTHRIE Guthrie, mate. (Offers his hand to shake TEDDY'S, but TEDDY doesn't shake his hand, just stares at GUTHRIE'S hand.) Nice to meet you...? -

TEDDY Yes, nice to meet you, too.

GUTHRIE(pause, staring at TEDDY, expecting him to say who he is, but TEDDY just smiles and looks around nervously, putting his map away neatly in his backpack.) Sorry - I must be feeling a bit rough today! - I didn't catch your name, mate?

TEDDY I'm Teddy. Mate.

GUTHRIE Nice name. Erm, mate?

TEDDY Sorry -?

GUTHRIE Guth-

TEDDY(getting quieter as he talks.) Oh right. Sorry Graham. Mate - sorry - almost forgot the mate bit at the end. Not use to -

GUTHRIE It can be loud in here, but only when it's rammed.

TEDDY(shocked for some strange reason.) They've got bands in here?

GUTHRIE All sorts - some are top notch - I'm shocked they don't get signed; but it's all do or die these days. And I suppose everything that's new now needs to have been done before, or it won't sell.

TEDDY I suppose music can be violent.

GUTHRIE What?

TEDDY It's a competitive world?

GUTHRIE Depeche Mode fan, eh? I like -

TEDDY(confused.) I'm -

GUTHRIE Don't rush to the bar, drink up - it's my round; we'll be trekking into ye olde Londrano soon - trying to embrace some hyped-up pricey club. Got kicked out of one as soon as I paid to get in last time! Funny that! (Briefly trying to speak like Ray Winstone.) But it shawwdun't stop yer gettin' on it - should it? (TEDDY shrugs, smelling his drink. GUTHRIE stares at TEDDY and yawns in his face, breathing stale breath over him; TEDDY grimaces, and resumes sniffing his drink.) We'll meet up with Sadler later. He's been in the bog for a while now - I bet he's passed out again.

TEDDY I don't like London - it's a bit big. I went out at night there once. I saw a band. It was a bit loud.

GUTHRIE(laughing, sarcastically to TEDDY, who thinks he's being serious.) No - really?

TEDDY(grimaces.) They were a bit.

GUTHRIE What?

TEDDY Well, I better -

GUTHRIE Finish up ye olde drinkey-pooey, eh?

TEDDY I suppose it's only an -

DIRKSON suddenly enters, wearing a strange fusion of denim and leather and has a DA quiff that ends in a dreadlock.

DIRKSON Hello boys - you do my Occult Sexualities module, right? Good to see familiar faces!

GUTHRIE(rolls his eyes at TEDDY, shaking his head as DIRKSON joins them.) Hello, there. You a student or lecturer again?

DIRKSON Yoyoyowhoa! Karma-chill the quizzing, dudeybro-e-boi! Mate, it's all Mega Mountain for me right now. I'm doing a bit of lecturing - they made me a research fellow, as I've just finished my -

TEDDY(suddenly thinks he recognises DIRKSON.) Oh, hello - don't I know you?

DIRKSON(unsure.) Umm, maybe.

TEDDY Oh right.

DIRKSON Where's Sadler then Guthrie?

GUTHRIE I suppose you're getting the drinks in?

DIRKSON Yes, why not! Spandau muso! (Grabs TEDDY'S drink and guzzles some, then takes a tray of fresh pints, way too many, and dishes them to GUTHRIE and TEDDY. TEDDY looks ill at the sight of all the pints.) I dig tha rudeboygroovio stuff, diggywigdidge?

GUTHRIE Huh?

DIRKSON Don't worry, boys - I know you've missed the seminar!

TEDDY In Jay-Four?

DIRKSON Where?

GUTHRIE What seminar?

DIRKSON As I'm a politico - a real revo-evo-devo-lutionary, mudduh-fool-fuckeeio-daddy-O! I dig you'll find it a stress-test, digger-roo? But chill bro-blunt-blud-men - I'll throw it all on the online -

GUTHRIE Careful, mate you'll do yourself out of a job embracing all the geeky techno-shit. We'll just need to go online and -

DIRKSON(laughs.) It won't happen - nice try though! But I marked you in, anyway. Sadler score then?

GUTHRIE He in the footie team, too? Shit...He's one dark horse - he makes out he's well thick and does fuck all.He was just in the bog a minute ago!

DIRKSON What's he got then?

GUTHRIE Probably the shits again.

DIRKSON has taken out some note paper and is reading through it, trying to study it

TEDDY(takes out a pack of cheap crisps.) They only had vending machines - the canteen's not open long here.

DIRKSON(ignores TEDDY; to GUTHRIE.) So it's methadone? Do I have to try to figure it out in shitty Street-language?

GUTHRIE I'm not sure how often he shits on the streets, but he can't help it sometimes - it's just one of those things.(Pointing at the cheap crisps TEDDY'S just opened, looking repulsed.) They're toxic, trust! I've lived off them for a month when my loan cheque didn't clear in time! Sadler might be doing the chunder deep-throat routine in there - he likes the canteen, and it's a right toxic-shock. I had some healthy herbalised ocean paste sandwich cack there once, and I might as well have got Delhi-belly - I couldn't stop -

TEDDY(disgusted, staring at a crisp.) How do people live on this campus?

GUTHRIE They get on it, mate.

TEDDY(offering his crisps, both GUTHRIE and DIRKSON do not notice TEDDY'S offering them.) How do you know... (Forgets DIRKSON'S name or doesn't know it, but DIRKSON'S wiping sweat off his face, staring at his hands.) Erm, -

GUTHRIE Oh, him! I'm not sure actually! That makes me think the worse now! (Chuckling, does a cock-suck motion with his mouth, but TEDDY barely smiles; rips a page out from the front of the book, screws it up and throws the screwed-up page at DIRKSON to get his attention) Oi, how do you know me?

DIRKSON(laughs, eating his note paper, chomping it and throwing the soggy balls, most hit TEDDY'S back. TEDDY stares up at the ceiling, struggling to feel what hit his back.) They're all right - you're a right laugh, buddio-bro! (Suddenly serious.) Did you do the reading for week five?

GUTHRIE(lying, smiling.) Of course I did!

DIRKSON Good - I'll expect your five-percent presentation to be an eye-opener!

GUTHRIE Five-percent? That much, eh?

DIRKSON(suddenly looking at the ground for something.) You get attendance mark, too!

GUTHRIE(tries to blag it.) It was very interesting to read, errr, yes....What is this for again?

DIRKSON Always got an answer, eh groove-bud?(To TEDDY, hugging GUTHRIE; GUTHRIE looks shocked.) I have to tell this guy to shut up and let someone else chat when we have seminars! He'll -

TEDDY Is Jay-Four on this campus?

DIRKSON(shrugs, trying to swat an imaginary fly.) Stay for one more? That bus is non-existent!

GUTHRIE I'll need to cash my cheque -

DIRKSON You'll be able to pay by card soon.

GUTHRIE Sorry?

DIRKSON I heard the bar debt is getting out of control round here.

GUTHRIE I don't know - I've never paid mine off!

DIRKSON(punching the air like a dated, stereotypical, Class Warrior. GUTHRIE stares at DIRKSON looking worried as he makes TEDDY jump.) That's the spirit! REVOLT-REEEEEEEVOLT!

GUTHRIE It's the only way. Rufus and Stan had to drop-out after they ran up a -

DIRKSON I don't remem- (Screams as he goes to hit what he thinks is a bug on the table.) I think I squashed it. One big bug that. Bloody place is falling apart!

GUTHRIE I had a lecture in a portacabin once. It was a bit odd - very cold, though.

DIRKSON It's to put you off - see if you'll stick it out. If I didn't have a future here I'd completely drop out of the system and be an anarchist rebel.

TEDDY Is that to do with Theology?

GUTHRIE(DIRKSON ignores TEDDY; GUTHRIE and keeps looking under his chair.) They do courses on The Cosby Show? That's seems very specialised. Sounds intense...Wasn't Theo the son? I'm still hazy on it, even though I've been watching it online for nearly two years! It's funny as I got it wrong on the bar quiz the other day! Drinking that forfeit cocktail balls'd my quiz-mastery, too! But I have to admit, that's really specialised for a course - I mean you wouldn't think it'd be worth while in any society, but I'm -

DIRKSON Where's the peeps?

GUTHRIE(shrugging, illegally lighting an old smoke but no-one protests or stops him.) I haven't a clue!

DIRKSON(boasting.) I almost got a blowjob off a fresher at the faculty cheese and wine schmooze-fest! She was a hottie, I was almost -

GUTHRIE(figuring out DIRKSON'S ruse; smirks.) Almost!?

DIRKSON(thinking of a good lie.) Well -

TEDDY It's a strange cocktail - it's very tasty! I had a blowjob on holiday once - then a screaming orgasm with-

GUTHRIE Great - you film it?

TEDDY My family-friend told me to down it.

GUTHRIE That's too much info, mate.

DIRKSON(aggressively to TEDDY, checking him out; TEDDY looks like he's going to cry.) Yoo-da campus stud-muff-daddy-O then?

GUTHRIE(to DIRKSON, who looks baffled.) Those crisps are toxic - aren't they? I want you to add your name behind my theory - so it'll be credible, Dirky. It's true though, mate, honest.

TEDDY I'm not sure about the produce here. How can we study if they're trying to kill us?

GUTHRIE Produce you say? Mate - get real! They're made out of polystyrene! They always give shit to students, trust. I've been a student for a long time.

TEDDY You doing a Doctorate then?

GUTHRIE I should be by now, but -

TEDDY(sipping his pint.) Actually, it's a bit flat - I might get some lemonade.

DIRKSON What you need that for? So, Guthrie, there's a new Pol-Sci lecturer here now - with a firm rack, real tight - very sexaaaay, very moooollah moolai. In a mio-mao-meow-miaow-mew sort of way.

GUTHRIE(to TEDDY, who's now eating the cheap crisps, as he motions at DIRKSON) What's he chatting about?

TEDDY Who?

GUTHRIE(shocked; to TEDDY, who flinches.)DIRKSON!(To DIRKSON.)Dirky! Shut up mate, you're being a cock - you'll scare everyone away!(DIRKSON is giving GUTHRIE rapid eyes signals and nods for GUTHRIE to make the first move towards some ladies at the other end of the bar, as DIRKSON scans the bar to openly perve.) I reckon they're nurses or teachers. We know what they're like aft-

DIRKSON is giggling hysterically, as he jumps up and starts dancing, trying to give "the eye" to some random bird he's spotted across the bar.

DIRKSON(trying to compose himself, fingers his dread.) I think she wants me - oh yes! YEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSS! Lucky for me, I always bring lube here! OH YEEEESSSSSSSSS!(Banging the table, being ridiculously over-the-top.) YES - RIDE ME SNAKE-LADY!

GUTHRIE Oh I know her...She's a dyke, mate.

DIRKSON So?

GUTHRIE They're leaving now! Great!

DIRKSON They're laughing at us? That's promising. They must be impressed by my neatio groove-busting moves! DIGGY-O! (Over to the unseen group, speaking like Sloth from 'The Goonies.') 'EYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!'EYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGUUYSSSSSS!

TEDDY retches, as DIRKSON tries desperately to get attention.

GUTHRIE(to TEDDY, calmly.) Don't worry - let him make a prick of himself.

TEDDY(takes another sip of his pint.) I think I better get the bus - I'm going to be late getting back home.

GUTHRIE Might as well stay down here - there'll be more people coming to see bands, deejays. I even deejay here sometimes, when I'm not too fucked! (TEDDY goes to say something but GUTHRIE keeps talking and TEDDY smiles, nodding.) No - none of the scratchy stuff, mate! When I say deejay I mean bringing some of my tunes and pressing 'play' on -

TEDDY I better -

GUTHRIE has turned to look away, trying to see over DIRKSON as TEDDY suddenly passes out, falling under the table, and crawls off as if he is a toddler, using GUTHRIE'S discarded cape as a blanket. He dribbles chewed cheap crisp over it. GUTHRIE looks around, as DIRKSON is doing the Macarena on his own to Alice Cooper's Elected, that's now playing over the crackly P.A., but it's still jumping as we hear some MTV-style mix which is filtering in the infectious Girls Aloud's version of 'Jump'.

GUTHRIE(looking around for TEDDY.) Where's -

DIRKSON Who?

GUTHRIE(suddenly hitting his legs.) They're numb now - looks like I'm here for the night.

DIRKSON(looking for TEDDY.) Where did thingy -

GUTHRIE(annoyed.) I said Sadler'll be back soon! (Still seated, GUTHRIE takes his top hat off, unzips his flies slowly, and thinks about urinating into his hat.) Damn, I better hold it for a few more -

DIRKSON(losing it suddenly, dancing as if in mosh-pit, being jostled by invisible bodies.) More -MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

GUTHRIE Always the eternal student, eh?

DIRKSON(resumes doing The Macarena again.) I reckon I've pulled, mate - I'll go and put the old sharky charm on.(Smugly.) I'm an intellectual after all!

GUTHRIE gestures the wanker-sign behind DIRKSON'S back, as DIRKSON exits trying to tap- dance and body-pop. GUTHRIE looks around for TEDDY again.

GUTHRIE Great on me fucking own again! Where did the geek go? Where the fuck did he go? Maybe he is a stud, I should be worried; a geek like that can't work that fast - can he? There was something odd about him, I don't know what though - maybe he needs to loosen up, enjoy the way of chilled studentism...I made that word up - or is it really a word? I should study it, but he must be a sly one - playing it all shy but a Wolf inside. Nice strat - I'll try it, I will. Not now though. Must move legs, must move my legs - this is from a film! I'm sure of it...I'm living a film. Fucking crazy - am I going crazy? No, talking to myself in a public place is okay - it might be a bit crazy, but still normailish. Umm...This is worrying - shut up Guthrie, shut up!

STAR enters wearing patchwork poncho, dotted with badges, with a small leather mini-skirt, fishnets and pink leather boots. She has a wooden crucifix and hippie-beads around her neck with a studded leather choker and a selection of wrist-bands. She wears a bowler hat with a lily and rose pinned to it for no apparent reason other than to look predictably "cool". STAR looks around, baffled, constantly checking her flash looking mobile phone. STAR sees GUTHRIE approaches him, boldy.

STAR Hey DUDE-man -

GUTHRIE That's mondo! I haven't been called that since 'cowabunga' was still happening vocab! Neat! And that might give my age away!

STAR Sorry, erm, right, OKAY - I didn't mean to create BAD-KARMA-KINDA-ZEN-VYBES for you. I didn't realise how many MATURE peeps they've got here.

GUTHRIE(weakly smiling, he's really worried.) Mature? Peeps? Me?

STAR Well, I wasn't going to say anything - sorry for bothering you, by the way. (Offers her hand.) I'm Star.

GUTHRIE(as GUTHRIE shakes STAR'S hand gently, he's checking her out; but STAR doesn't see GUTHRIE doing it.) I bet you are! Sorry...I'm Guthrie. (Pause GUTHRIE keeps checking STAR out, but she's looking around at the bar for someone.) Oh yes, I've got to ask - why do you want to speak to me?

STAR I was meant to meet my personal tutor, I was hoping someone might've seen her. (GUTHRIE shrugs looking baffled.) I'm an exchange student - she's been SO kind to me these lonely months.

GUTHRIE Who? What tutor? You should just come to the bar - no matter what the time, there's always someone here to bore the pants off -

STAR You're a bit -

GUTHRIE(sweating.)Stay for a drink?

STAR Okay - I s'pose! But only a JUICE! I'm on a diet.

GUTHRIE Man - that's messed up.(Hands STAR DIRKSON'S cocktail.) What diet?(STAR shrugs.) It's not the Primrose Hill-Ethiopian one, right?

STAR(sipping the cocktail, looking at it strangely. Smiles at GUTHRIE.) The what? You look strangely familiar - we haven't met before have we?

GUTHRIE No - but I've probably seen you around campus, somewhere. I don't know. Our paths probably have crossed.

STAR(looking disappointed.) Oh. Well, I'm in Doctor SUKIM'S classes on psycho-sexual TERRORISM.

GUTHRIE(beat, looking confused.) You meet up with your lecturer for one-on-one drinks?

STAR She's REALLY helping me adjust to life here and the way things go.

GUTHRIE I haven't heard about her. She's new too?

STAR Yeah, she's new too, so we're settling in here TOGETHER! I think she's just come off sabbatical, or holiday. I don't know which. She's REALLY kind - she lends me a lot of study tools. If she gets her grant, she'll make ME her research ASS-istant

GUTHRIE Tools? For what? You're as bad as Tav!

STAR(smelling her drink again, not quite sure about it. Looks baffled by GUTHRIE.) It's a big IF at the moment! I'm still new to the acad-stuff. I'm really hoping she gets her grant AGAIN, which would be SUCH an experience, it'd make my CV look -

GUTHRIE The real problem is that research-ass’s have got such a bum deal - they all look and sound like little butt-kissers. I mean anything today with assistant or sub-deputy-vice-chancellor on the end makes people think the worse. And with academics they'll think you're (Wriggling his tongue at STAR to simulate oral sex.) You know? Feasting on the sloppy dyke instead of the greasy pole.

STAR(looking stunned, lost for words.) I...umm...errr-oh, I -

SADLER suddenly enters, looking wasting, staggering around as if he's treading water - he tries flashing GUTHRIE and STAR, fumbling with his flies; but he can't co-ordinate himself properly to unzip himself then staggers away out of the bar

GUTHRIE Don't worry, he always does that - he's harmless really.

STAR(worried.) Sure - WHATEVER!

GUTHRIE So - I won't do my Dick Van Dyke joke it's really a bit... so, Star, how you finding it here again?

STAR I'm not THAT new! I've been here for a while now - a few months.

GUTHRIE(remembering.) Shit - I haven't seen you around.(STAR is about to answer but spits out more of her "juice", smelling it.) Oh yes, you said earlier you didn't come out - I mean venture - to the bar. (Laughing at his own joke, but STAR is not.) And I thought I knew everything about this place!

STAR I didn't know you, sorry. You're not in the prospectus. Was I meant to?

GUTHRIE No - no, not at all. It's nothing like that - I do not need this institutions help to whore myself to the apparently oyster-like world. But I'm with a different faculty now - our paths have probably crossed by minutes; you know how it goes here? (STAR shrugs.) But for me, it's easier that way to keep re-taking. Or just do switch suddenly and do something completely different.

STAR Re-take? I've already made my mind up what I'm doing - my parents are great! They've already given me loads of money, but they're being really really REALLY good to me. It's difficult as I can't have my luxuries here as it's only a little island - everything still costs a lot more - but I'm here for the history.

GUTHRIE What story?

STAR(smirking at GUTHRIE.) Good one - you must do Lit?

GUTHRIE Yes, of course I do! (STAR glares at him oddly.) I lick the Lit good! I pound it all the time! Do I look too campy? I'm no fancy-pants - Oh you mean....(Whispering , but his best impression of Kenneth Williams' Working-Class voice.) How much can you get it for?

STAR(baffled but laughs at GUTHRIE.) What? I'm talking about -

SADLER enters, wandering around, swaying, looking confused, trying to flash them both, but his zip is jammed, so he then tries to dance for a bit, then slips over and crawls out of the bar. STAR looks shocked, as GUTHRIE ignores shrugging.

GUTHRIE(trying to flare his nostrils.) I think we may have our wires a bit crossed; we'll let it go by pretending this conversation never happened.

STAR Well, my dad's already got me a job lined up, it's so good to -

GUTHRIE Snap - rhythm is a dancer! Me, too. Oh yes, we're looked after - part of the group who really don't need to try, but we're all about the cash as our folks have stacks. Yes, I worked for my dad, but the boring duffer's in advertising! I worked with him for a bit doing that - then I realised I just couldn't do it no more. And I hate adverts, so you could say we're a bit different. It's all a load of wank.

STAR(shocked, completely over-reacting.) How did you find out already? This campus is smaller than I imagined - it's like Melrose Place! Everyone KNOWS everything ABOUT everybody! And I thought my WEBCAM was -

GUTHRIE(lost for words.) Ummmm, I, errmmm-

STAR(checking her mobile phone, looking at it anxiously.) I'm going to find my lecturer - she's got my DIL-book- I said BOOK! I...I better GO.

GUTHRIE Why not stay for another drink?

STAR No, I don't drink, really. (Staring at the juice.) What was in that? (GUTHRIE shrugs; STAR shakes her head, looking sternly at GUTHRIE.) Tastes really WEIRD.

GUTHRIE I've had out-of-date everything off this campus, I am not surprised - the pipes here are awful, they don't clean them! And they've got cans of booze that are years old that they force on us on the discount nights. (Laughing.) No-one seems to mind though!

STAR Everything tastes BAD over HERE. (GUTHRIE snorts, nodding in agreement. ) I only drink when something's done - like after finishing my course. I'll party - for a little bit.

GUTHRIE Huh?

STAR I rarely drink, so I won't stay long - I was just seeing if she's...anyway, you'll get the wrong idea; and I can't break my spiritual promise.

GUTHRIE Sorry?

STAR I'm a new breed of spiritualist - it's tough to explain, but I've got some leaflets -

GUTHRIE Really? Any freebies?

STAR(laughs.) It's got nothing to do with spirits.

GUTHRIE(stunned.) Shit - sorry you were joking, right? I'm just checking - it's just your soooo serious. (STAR smiles, shaking her head.) I mean, I don't want you to say balls to arse-licking your new lecturer and get ratted with me? But seriously, what else have we got to do now? Come on sink a few, it's nothing. It's good to see you round here. STAR is about to answer, but GUTHRIE'S already speaking again.) We'll start on tequila as respect to revolutions and Tila Tequila! (Sounding like Speedy Gonzales.) TEEEQUILA! UNDERLAY UNDERLAY ARRIVAARRIVA! TEEEQUILA! REMEMBER THE SONG? (STAR shakes her head, looking ill, huffing still tring to look around the bar for DOCTOR SUKIM.) No? Okay fine, I'll shut up and drink now! (A bottle is handed to GUTHRIE by a mystery gloved hand, and a bong with a dildo in and GUTHRIE fills up dirty plastic pint glasses with tequila, hands one to STAR who looks shocked, but tries to steal the bong with a dildo in.) First that, then on to the malt whisky and I'll have a few Pernod and blacks - for the good old days! Before I came here for more good times, that is! Then we'll work our way on to all the sherry and port. I can't tell the difference between them anyway, but it's civilised drinking apparently. But it's possible to drink this bar dry, you know?

STAR(looking spaced with a mouthful of saliva, as if she is wearing a dental retainer.) Dry? Am I slurrrrrring meeeemmywwwwworrrrrdssss?Am-I-I-am?...AMI?I- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!...Aren't I?

GUTHRIE You're as bad as the others!

STAR (scared, spitting some saliva into the glass, mumbling.) D'yer k-k-k-now there's a w-w-w-weird man under OOOOUR table? Is he trying to film up my skirt?(Giggles.) I let a friend do that once and they put the pics online. I was SO embarrassed.

GUTHRIE Why?

STAR Is he a perve? Did he spike my drink?

GUTHRIE(looking around, baffled.) Who did?

STAR I'M SEEING THINGS? (Looking tearful, quietly.) Aren't I?

GUTHRIE Why are you whispering?

Hear the band starting to sound-check again, over Marilyn Manson's cover of 'Tainted Love'.

STAR Oh my God! It's liquid X, isn't it?

GUTHRIE No, I'm fine, but I don't know what Sadler's doing though - he likes it all.

STAR Who?

GUTHRIE You must've seen my mate? He's in the bog now. We're going to get the bus, but thought better of it. It's warmer in here than at the bus stop!

STAR Oh right. YES! I need to -

STAR exits, looking ill, stumbling away to the toilet. TEDDY enters, yawning and struggles to sit at the table; GUTHRIE turns around and jumps when he sees TEDDY next him.

GUTHRIE Shit - where you come from?

TEDDY I'm Teddy, sorry, you're-

GUTHRIE G-

TEDDY It's Gareth, isn't it? I remember now. How have you been? (GUTHRIE looks baffled staring at TEDDY.) Have the bands started?

GUTHRIE I don't think the drummer's turned up - you know how it goes? They're only jamming I think.

TEDDY So - the bands've started?

GUTHRIE It's all disco-fever now, safe cheese, all the fondue-shit.

TEDDY Oh right.

GUTHRIE Billie Jean, Bette Davis Eyes.

TEDDY I don't know them people yet - they new here then?

GUTHRIE Mate, I'm going to go to a lecture I think. I'm can't be arsed to use the public tranny now - come on mate, I know someone in halls - we'll find a floor in a corridor and camp down for the rest of the night. I'm determined to make at least part of one lecture, as I've just now realised I don't know what some of my courses are yet. I've already had a lecturer tell me where to go for the rest of semester - they can be rude little geeks when they want to be! I'm hoping a couple more might tell me to do the same - it'll really free up my time. But I'll pick up the credits sometime next year - if I can squeeze an extra year out of it; maybe defer - or intermit as they now say - another year, then I'm thinking of studying up North. Sorry, am I boring you?

TEDDY Sorry - what did you say?

GUTHRIE Don't worry about it. Let's go!

GUTHRIE and TEDDY exit the bar slowly as if going through bodies, avoiding to bump into people, but they're both out of it.

THREE:CORRIDOR
GUTHRIE is curled up in a harsh looking corridor, sleeping. We hear heavy vomiting and shit-farting mixed with sex sounds from above. SADLER is in his boxer shorts, prodding GUTHRIE with a dildo, trying to get him to wake up. GUTHRIE stirs, then screams when he sees the dildo. SADLER laughs.

GUTHRIE Fuck - where are we?

SADLER I look like Yoda don't I?(Giggling, pointing upwards with the dildo.) I can guess what they're doing up there, though. Don't worry - I've already got the footage!

GUTHRIE What?

SADLER Funny stuff - you's one funny guy! Mate - your random mate - he's gone; vanished. He's been in the bog for hours and hours, I busted the door, but it was open. You can see for yourself mate; he's sitting on the bog shitting for the world and chucking up in the sink, it's mad - I've never seen anything like it! It reeks, it's really bad up close, but you need to see it to believe it!

GUTHRIE(looking around, trying to figure where he is.) I don't know who it is - as long as they don't call Rodge.

SADLER Security don't care - Rodge's upstairs filming a porno, I think.

GUTHRIE I knew it!

SALDER But it's messy everywhere now.

GUTHRIE(rubbing his brow.) I'm worried. (Points to the dildo.) Why have you got that?

STAR enters wearing just SADLER'S tattered jumper, snatching the dildo off SADLER, blanking GUTHRIE.

STAR I need THAT back, BITCH!

STAR exits. GUTHRIE laughs, as SADLER shrugs.

SADLER Twenty-first century virgins, man - what can you say? You can't properly fuck 'em and fill 'em in 'em - but everything else is fine! (GUTHRIE looks baffled.) You want to film that random shit-puking?

SADLER helps GUTHRIE up off the floor, as GUTHRIE'S in hysterics, as they stagger off. We then hear someone playing the bongos really loud and chanting from another part of the building.

PART TWO: S.U. WASTER: A BRIEF LIVING HISTORY [2nd Vol.]

ONE: HALLS
Early hours of the morning. SADLER is face down on the floor, covered in pitta bread, looking ill. WILF is vomiting into a bin. DIRKSON is trying to dance with STAR but she's staring at her smoke, dancing to Frank Zappa's 'Disco Boy'.

SADLER(coming round; to WILF.) I think security'll be round soon - I think most of the bar has come round.

DIRKSON tries to pogo but slips on some pitta bread. WILF, SADLER miss it, but STAR is creasing up; they all think she's stoned.

DIRKSON(tries to get the attacking pitta bread off his butt.) Who's puked pitta bread? A whole pitta - I need another drink! - where's your fridge gone again?

WILF It's in the kitchen - where else?

SADLER(yawning going, eyes rolling.) You okay, Star?

STAR Yeah, just cool, like...erm...(Smiles.) I dunno.

SADLER Cool - here's a sharp one; it'll keep you warm.

STAR takes it, downing it.

STAR Cheers. (Turning up Frank Zappa; we see SADLER cutting lines quickly and messily and snorting them off a massive chunky textbook - whereas WILF who has puked down himself, but he's still drinking and starts to head-bang, downing a pint of absinthe swaying, staggering all over the place.) Whoa, careful! (Looking really stoned.) Yeah, it's cool, just take care, I mean, I just wanna be so nice.

SADLER(wakes up.) Man - where-

WILF Okay mate? (Laughing at SADLER. Offering him a smoke, a weird looking cigarillo.) Looking rough, mate - you puke all that pitta?

SADLER Yep...shit, I need a brandy.

WILF I’ve always got bottle, mate.

DIRKSON (approaching STAR again, persistently trying to get her to dig him.) Yes, Star! Oh woo! Oh yar, Star, I was going to talk about your research brief, for the Communities course. I think it's close to Doctorate quality, of course.(Hypnotised by her breasts, talking to them.) I don't say that to every student - only to the one's with -

STAR Oh, whatever.

DIRKSON Yeah, I know it's getting late - oh yes! This is a really neat tune...I remember The Electric Prunes, too. The Yank-stuff always pulls it for me; all the time...You like Phish?

STAR Huh?

DIRKSON So your politics - you must have some?

STAR I hate it, I'm no...(Yawns, then burps. Grabs a bottle of vodka, pours herself some into a chipped mug off the floor.) Erm…all kinda uh-huh, really.

DIRKSON Umm. Right. Babe-bebo - y'know I’ve scored a fundamental research grant? Worth a fair bit; book deal too, curriculum status has been guaranteed. I’ve made it. I’ve strived to be the footnote for so long. I’ll be a Prof in a few years, I reckon. (Trying to sleaze up to STAR, but she’s pretty zoned, as he attempts to feel her up, she feels up SADLER and ignores DIRKSON.) Maybe we should discuss it in a bedroom, get comfy - it's a bit loud here.

STAR Huh?

DIRKSON I think security may come round - let's blow.

STAR HUH?

SADLER(to DIRKSON, who looks baffled.) Serious? I reckon we can chill.(To STAR.) Can I have some of that vodka?

STAR(handing the bottle to SADLER.) Here.

SADLER Cheers.(Looking in STAR'S eyes, the possible look of love.) Shit...your eyes look messed.

STAR(giggles, gushes.) Alright - I keep saying whatever, don't I? Whatever, right!?

DIRKSON Pour me one, too, Mate-bruvvo. Sadler, isn't it?(SADLER ignores DIRKSON.) Yes? Hello, mate.

SADLER(refills his cup and hands a practically empty bottle to DIRKSON.) Yeah, I think thingy and the others are chilling upstairs soon, but we've got the corridors. I think Wilf's puked in the bath so let him have it.

DIRKSON(STAR ignores him still giggling, DIRKSON looks at SADLER who is licking his lips as if he’s never had a some water before.) Umm, yes. I might call a cab actually, I dunno. Anyone want to go half?(Laughs, mainly to himself.) Does anyone want to get out of this shit hole?

But SADLER is swaying, hugging STAR. DIRKSON exits, looking gutted, while STAR tries to sway- dance, WILF has now passed out. SADLER, slowly, sits on the floor, with STAR; they're slowly falling asleep against each other. Hear My Pet Junkie’s ‘Baked Bean Skins’ which sounds as if it’s getting played live next door at another party.

TWO:TOILET
TEDDY is sitting on the toilet, moaning, and vomits into his backpack. He strains, then retches.

TEDDY(drooling bile; in agony.) Please - no more, please! I won't have fun again! Nev-uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurgh!

TEDDY buries his head into the backpack, violently retching - almost simultaneously - we hear some chunky piece of excrement plop into the toilet. TEDDY groans, as if close to an orgasm.

THREE: LECTURE ROOM
A mandatory course introduction lecture is beginning, and we see PROFESSOR PERCIVAL, dressed very smartly, looking over some badly photocopied print-outs; he's starting to get flustered as he ruffles his hair. DR SUKIM enters dressed like a dominatrix. She carries a thin plastic folder, and a large PVC raincoat. TAV stumbles in, checking out SUKIM, drooling, slightly. SUKIM is busy staring at PERCIVAL. TAV eventually sits down, and starts to give SUKIM a series of "looks", which he think will make SUKIM notice him.

PERCIVAL(shocked to see SUKIM standing behind him; stares at her looking awkward.) AH! Doctor Sukim, how nice of you to join us! I'm just annoyed at the quality of the reprographics. It really is shocking - I wish they'd get something in to sort this out - like a new photocopier!(Laughs, but SUKIM doesn't get the joke. She looks at the empty lecture room.) But it's your call today...Enjoy the baptism of fire - the call to the frontline as I used to say! But yes, well...(Tries to read the print-out again.) I'm not too sure on terrorist tendencies and sexualities. But I'm sure you'll have lots in common with Andre, though - you know must know Andre Dirkson, by now?

SUKIM(an evil smile.) Uh yez, yez, Deeksun -(She laughs loudly; winking at TAV, who's listening in.) I spank hiz boodee lurst night - hiz mind is vurry noortee!

PERCIVAL Erm...right, yes, of course. well, I better...I'll go to the back and watch if you don't mind me hanging around to find out what you do?

SUKIM Oh purr-leeze stave - vurry nice, Purcee.

PERCIVAL(smiles, looking awkward, as there's only one student there[TAV].) I reckon this might be it. Good luck.

PERCIVAL hovers slowly edging away from SUKIM, as if he is scared of her. TAV is still posing.

SUKIM(a fucked variant of English, that no-one really understands her.) Fonk yar vurry mooch Purcee - yaaar - I begin und says fonk yarz, yar? - heure, ine Rumsbum, und I lecture, mah research - yar - on effnic minaratees earleee mudon Bra-tun, mar-be huro-fungy, der-pend on foooooon-ding yar? (Laughs at her own joke, no-one understands a word she says.) Goo'. Weeeeeeeeeeeell, I deleevar pap-par at Hooooogdon Hull, Vindsarr, yaaaaaar? Goo' I let Purcee tooke ovuh fur kar-westonz. I show imergez fur new rez-erch, heure.Purr-leeze see, fonk yar vurry mooch.

Pause, PERCIVAL and TAV look utterly confused. SUKIM opens her plastic folder and takes out some photographs of tortured people, torture devices and then fetishists; she is in some of the photographs, either being the submissive or the dominatrix. These photographs, she passes to TAV and PERCIVAL. PERCIVAL quickly hands the photographs he receives to TAV. SUKIM then starts to read through Camille Paglia's 'Vamps and Tramps', ignoring TAV and PERCIVAL.

PERCIVAL(embarrassed, trying to look away.) GREAT! ANY QUESTIONS? NO? Thank good-

TAV(looking intensely at the photographs.) What she say?

PERCIVAL(struggling to explain.) It's fine, very complex, erm...Yes, brilliant! Actually, I'll refer everyone to the intranet, as there is such a low turnout today. Very odd. I wonder who's signing everyone else in? (TAV looks baffled; PERCIVAL smiles, nervously ruffling his hair again.) GREAT! Got a print-out, Tav?(TAV shrugs; PERCIVAL laughs.) It might be handy, but I suppose the pictures are better right?

TAV Yeah, sure. I'm keeping these. Not comin' for a few pints, Percy?

PERCIVAL(jovially to TAV.) ONLY THE ONE - ONLY THE ONE! WHY NOT! Don't let the Dean find out though!

TAV(mimicking PERCIVAL, laughing. PERCIVAL laughs nervously with him.) Of course, Percy, of course! You know Dirkson might be there. though.

PERCIVAL It's okay - he's partial to a few tipples isn't he?

TAV He's a maniac, mate. He'll rape someone - anyone - one of these days.

PERCIVAL Well, I won't be there long. Dirkson's on his own in these matters. He does get a bit too close with the students - you ents, eh? - but he is still quite young for a mature lecturer. And his wife left him for a transsexual - his secretary, Valerie, told me.

TAV(shocked.) Shit - that explains a lot. I bet you already knows what he calls you - a sweet-sugar-dumpling. He's got you down in his phone as that. He thinks you're queer - you know? A batty man, mon?

PERCIVAL(laughing it off, shaking his head.) Great lilt there - I can tell you've been working on that.

TAV Yeah, thanks.

PERCIVAL Andre Dirkson - our very own Dirky, eh? He has a very bizarre sense of humour at times. It's funny, you mention him now - I think he had an article savaged recently on some site linked to The Hitch's excellent website. Now he's a jammy bastard, eh? Liberal Studies is a nice little niche. I'm gutted I didn't think of it!

TAV(thinking.) Yeah, you're right; Dirkson can be a twat at times!

PERCIVAL Yes, well - let's get that swift pint, I have a full schedule.

PERCIVAL quickly exits, though TAV is lingering behind staring SUKIM as she replaces her photographs back into the plastic folder. SUKIM, winks at him, wriggling her tongue at him. TAV smiles, puckering his lips. PERCIVAL re- enters, trying to hurry TAV up in frown-language, but he speaks to SUKIM, who smiles at PERCIVAL

PERCIVAL(flustered.) Sorry, I forgot to mention not to forget those forms; it is necessary paper work, unfortunately, and we do not want to be sued by any money grubbers. Told You so - to quote Depeche Mode, of course.

SUKIM(smiling at PERCIVAL, checking him out; PERCIVAL is clearly uncomfortable.) Fin, fin , Purcee. Dunt bee waareed, it fin. Weelaax, Purcee!(Goes to rub PERCIVAL'S shoulder, but PERCIVAL backs off and smiles, exiting quickly again.) Laytar Purcee, yaar?

PERCIVAL(nervously around SUKIM.) Yes - yes, indeed...I won't be back after lunch - I need to dash to Belsize Park - it's my mother again, she's started to re-discover naturalism. I think it's another new project she keeps going on - blowing my inheritance on, no doubt.(Nervously tries to laugh it off, SUKIM laughs with him, but the laugh is really fake.) Not that I begrudge her some money, as an allowance, of course...But you know how it goes these days! It's the Silver age...So the authorities are asking questions, naturally. It'll take me some time to explain this one, methinks!

SUKIM and TAV laugh as WILF suddenly enters, smeared in vomit, eating a pasty, and dressed as a Jedi Knight. WILF is, also, still finishing off a can of K cider. PERCIVAL and SUKIM pretend not to notice - though SUKIM laughs at WILF and PERCIVAL shakes his head in disbelief, checking his watch. TAV suddenly looks ill, covering his mouth.

PERCIVAL Good night was it?

WILF Of course Percy, as always.

TAV Wilf, you fuckin' dick! AHH! Man! Why don't you wash! My word! AWWWH!

WILF It's drying up now - it's fine, mate, it's nothing!

TAV I'm not your mate - I think you're one fucking filthy cunt!

WILF(laughing at TAV, nudging PERCIVAL, who looks confused.) Wow, coloureds do speak with blunt tongues! Daddy was right! You are funny, Tav!

TAV I ain't joking, I'm telling you that you're fucking-

WILF Don't worry, I'll get some wet wipes later, mate.You coming to the bar then?

TAV(checking his appearance in his pocket mirror.)Fucking stinky fucking -

WILF It's nothing - I've seen you do worse on a Friday night at the back of the fried chicken shop. Did you fuck that fat girl against the dumpsters there, too?

SUKIM is laughing now, enjoying TAV losing his "cool", as PERCIVAL looks away, embarrassed, checking his watch again. WILF swigs his cider and keeps swaying.

TAV(looking ill; sounding stressed.) Now you're really making me feel like shit - I'm gonna chuck! Fuck! I gotta -

TAV runs out, retching. SUKIM laughs at TAV and PERCIVAL looks annoyed, as TAV has now left him with WILF. WILF burps, swaying.

WILF(looking dazed.) Is it the morning now? Must've had a late one too that Tav - I can't stand people who can't hold their own drink. It's why society's so fucked.

PERCIVAL Erm, yes. Well, I better get -

WILF Have I missed it?

PERCIVAL Well, Doctor Sukim here has some photographs you can examine. But you're the second person here, so we decided to call time on it for today. But it's quite a forward thinking course - if I may say so, Doctor Sukim.(SUKIM bows at PERCIVAL, going back to her book.) I don't know enough about it myself, but I'm slightly interested in how it'll progress here - but it'll be more Hi-Tech as it goes on, hopefully.

WILF Great...great.(Holding his stomach.) Shit - I knew that porkpie for breakfast was a bad idea. Sorry - it's giving me the farts now.

PERCIVAL It's fine - my nose is blocked thankfully!

SUKIM(puts her book down, and starts feeling up WILF, the smell of vomit turning her on. WILF smiles at her, looking surprised as PERCIVAL looks away.)Ooooh, big ur? Yarrr?

PERCIVAL(innocently, slightly embarrassed.) Is that hop-gang-hip-rap-grime-crunk? Sounds like a dodgy herbal remedy I took in Cambodia last year...(Thinks SUKIM spoke to him.) Eh?

SUKIM(smiling at PERCIVAL.) Yar? Yar! It’s ool a loodar mar…wotar verd faaar sulve?

PERCIVAL(smiles, actually looks scared, as he has not got a clue what she‘s saying she‘s stroking her leg up and down; he might be shocked as he never gets hit on) Erm, well, erm, well, yes, I see your...erm…yes, well -

WILF(distracting everybody; taking loads of random objects/rubbish out from his Jedi Knight costume, looking for something.) Result - found my cheque-book.

PERCIVAL Huh?

WILF(kisses his ruined looking cheque-book.) I'm off to the bar - coming Percy?

PERCIVAL Yes, well, erm, no - best not now.(Looking at his watch.) Me and Dirkson don't get on - bloody rotter, isn't he?

WILF(stuffing things back into his pockets slowly.) Yes, he's a dick - but I don't think he can help it. I mean, let's be honest here - he's worse than me!

PERCIVAL(smiles.) I know...I think he hates me as I sorted this department out in a year and he's a bit envious I think; he's a bit of Gordon Gecko at heart, despite all that bullshit Anarcho-Marxist jargon he spouts. Only someone who's lived their entire life in Academia can get away with that sort of rubbish. Oh, yes, Wilf - brilliant essay by the way; very good indeed! I don't know how you do it - I always see you in the bar getting hammered with Sadler!

WILF I live in all the time though, Percy. Hazards of the halls!

PERCIVAL(smiles.) I suppose. You watching the fourth round, eh?

WILF Yes, definitely - it'll be a tough game for Fulham. Though I'm more of a rugger-bugger!

PERCIVAL(looking at his watch again, trying to end the conversation.) Yes - I'm also put off by rugby, it's a bit...slowish. (Looking at his watch putting right up to his face.) Oh, damn - must dash, I really need to get to Belsize Park! Cheerio folks!

PERCIVAL exits quickly, as we see WILF smiling at SUKIM, who sidles up to him and starts rubbing his crotch. WILF smiles, looking baffled, thinking he's part of a set-up. TEDDY enters, looking lost; he stares, perving, as SUKIM rubs up against WILF, breathing on him, doing a dragon impression. WILF sees TEDDY, smiling.

WILF(to TEDDY.) How about a drink first?

SUKIM(smiling at WILF.) Mmmmmmm...ooh yar!

WILF We'll get some pints in first - before the extra-curricular fun begins, eh?

SUKIM(clawing WILF'S back.) Hmmmmmmyaaar?

WILF What happened to the cheese and wine?

SUKIM shrugs, suddenly doing the yoga 'Lion'- position to WILF. WILF swigs his cider and chomps on his pasty, still confused.

TEDDY Good question - isn't this the new course?

WILF Sure - don't worry, it's all on the thingy. We'll catch-up, it's fine! I remember when I was in Peru, I...actually, I reckon we can tab some wine at the bar! Damn - why didn't think of it! It's got to be done! You coming Doctor S?

SUKIM(excited like a schoolgirl.) Ooh yar! YAAARRRRRRRR!

WILF I’m sure you will! Get them in then please Doc; my temporary embarrassment of funds is down to my lack of credit, so maybe you can get them in?(SUKIM smiles, nodding like a Geisha, bowing to WILF.) Cheers, love - I'm sure I'll pay you back in more ways than one.(SUKIM smiles, packing up her things and eagerly running out to get to the bar, dropping some of the awful print-outs.) Later, babe-cakes. (To TEDDY, who has picked up an awful print-out, looking baffled by it.) Whoo-wee - she's a good, firm, piece of ass! I wonder what she's into! I bet it's nothing that shocking - you know how repressed these academic geeks are! Probably just wants a good hug.(TEDDY smiles, but looks embarrassed.) But I had a Chinky-woman once, when I was travelling in Mexico.She tied me up and robbed me afterwards - I was going to pay her! But I didn't know there was heroin in Mexico, too. But she was amazing; she taught me a lot.(TEDDY tries to hide his erection, but he's struggling.) She gave me crabs, too, but it was worth it. I still think back and remember the smell of her juicy, tender, little Aztec pussy. It was like a good bit of Salmon.(TEDDY gulps,as a wet-patch of pre-cum appears on his trousers, as TEDDY tries to hide the fact he's getting turned on. WILF suddenly comes out of his reverie.) Lovely, absolutely lovely - sorry I'm boring you, aren't I? I should be going to drinketh thee night away.

WILF takes ages to put his scarf on, after altering his Jedi Knight costume. TEDDY, wipes sweat from his brow, then looks lost again and goes to exit one way, then turns back to go another way. TEDDY stops and stares at WILF and slowly builds up his courage after staring at WILF putting on his scarf. TEDDY approaches him.

TEDDY(meekly.)Can I come along? Mate?

WILF Yes, of course...umm, sorry - I've forgot your name again!

TEDDY Teddy.

WILF Yes, right, er-

TEDDY(smiled, looking relieved.) Cool - neat!

WILF What is?

TEDDY I‘ll get some drinks in, too.(Taking out a Velcro-wallet, produces a crisp, new £5 pound note, making sure it's real.) Oh, Waldo, I heard you were deejaying at the bar? (WILF nods, smiling.) I like Marilyn Manson.

WILF(shocked.) Fuck off! Really?

TEDDY(looking as if he's about to cry.) I've seen him live - he's very loud.

WILF(joking.) No shit!

TEDDY Yep.

WILF Right...(Looking weirdly at TEDDY.) I'm sure we've had exactly the same conversation haven't we? (TEDDY looks pale, smiling, searching for something to say.) Come on then - we've got to get to the freebies quick!

TEDDY(looking confused, picking up one of the awful discarded print-outs.) But I've just got to finish my -

WILF drags TEDDY along with him - as TEDDY drops his backpack, and the awful print-out on the floor.

PART THREE: EVO-WASTE-AGE[abridged]

ONE: LECTURE ROOM
A sparse room with a laptop. PROFESSOR PERCIVAL is trying to work the laptop, but can't seem to figure it out, sniffing it and trying the Vulcan mind-meld-thing. GUTHRIE enters, looking pale.

PERCIVAL(shocked.) Amazing! You've made it!

GUTHRIE I know.

PERCIVAL Well, I do enjoy our chats.

GUTHRIE Good weekend for Fulham then?

PERCIVAL Don't get me started!

GUTHRIE I know, it's cool. Oh yes, I didn't do the reading by the way, but I'll sort some coursework for you. Sometime.

PERCIVAL Brilliant, brilliant! Anything'll do!

GUTHRIE I know.

PERCIVAL Where's Sadler?

GUTHRIE He's having a lie-in. He knows you always mark him in. I scan his card for him, too. But you know what he's like if he misses Neighbours.

PERCIVAL Oh right. Fine. Well, erm, yes, it's quite straight forward I've stuck it all online - so maybe mention it to the others!(GUTHRIE nods, making the thumbs-up sign to PERCIVAL.) I'm trying to figure why my machine isn't responding.

GUTHRIE For a presentation?

PERCIVAL Oh no - not for a lecture! It's for a board meeting at our main campus - you know Penrose Way? (GUTHRIE shrugs, looking baffled.) It can get quite technical.

GUTHRIE Sounds it.

PERCIVAL Umm, yes.

GUTHRIE Fulham done brilliantly getting that what's-is-name to -

PERCIVAL Yes, I suppose it's good for the cause. I was also impressed by the pass and move play in the cup.

GUTHRIE Well, I thought football was all about pass and move!

PERCIVAL You should watch K.G.B Chelski when they're up against it.

GUTHRIE They're not that boring!

PERCIVAL I know - just a wee dig - as they say: 'Death wears a big hat!'

GUTHRIE Er, right...What?

PERCIVAL Sadler's knowledge of Schelling impressed me greatly - you yourself have some ability too, if you want to join the elite of grade grubbers here. I must be off - the new lecturer is here next, so I better go. I've a conference in Bloomsbury anyway, after the board meeting, then after nachos with the wife, I'll then go and see my mother - she's into conceptualism now, but I don't know if it's the Alzheimer’s kicking in! Hopefully, I can squeeze it all in before midnight as I'll be marking yet more papers tomorrow! Another deadline, eh!?

GUTHRIE Great - rather you than me!

PERCIVAL That's what they all say today! And lecturer's today struggle to get to the elusive forty grand mark. It really is disgusting.

GUTHRIE Sounds okay? You don't get that on benefits?

PERCIVAL(shrugs, suddenly looking irate.) But research costs have risen and -

GUTHRIE I suppose no-one cares no more.

PERCIVAL(smiling.) I would blame the politicians but that really does sound like a gimmick.

GUTHRIE That's a good one that!

PERCIVAL Yes, I thought so too. I'll crack it again at the conference I think. Must dash - I've booked a cab to get off this damned campus - the buses here seem to hate people and there's no-where to park your car! Crazy, eh? You take care - and please check your study-log in the next month or so!

GUTHRIE nods, smiling as PERCIVAL picks up the laptop and runs off quickly, checking his mobile phone. GUTHRIE goes to leave but TAV enters, trying to look really tough, posing with an unlit cigarette and tooth-pick in his mouth. He takes out a compact mirror and checks his appearance, body-popping and posing some more.

TAV Oh right! I am looking double-dipalicious! I look so good.

GUTHRIE Oh hi, mate.

TAV Oh you's again. I and me homes been scoped, slipping and tripping. Tough love vibe - erm, blood.

GUTHRIE(holding his nose, looking for blood again on his fingers.) Am I bleeding again? It has to be the Pot Noodle or that dodgy marching-powder Sadler got off -

TAV Man, I've been here for a bit - I got to take some long skills class - what it all about Gee?

GUTHRIE It's because you're failing, thick-shit!

TAV No - I'm really trying - it's really tough here. The geek stuff ain't for me. I wish we had bigger marks for turning up.

GUTHRIE That makes sense - but it'll never happen.

TAV That's the future, mate. And lecturers will be big robots - like Arnie mixed with Homer Simpson.

GUTHRIE Arnie was a Cyborg - not a robot!

TAV Same thing, man, same thing!

GUTHRIE I suppose you'd know?

TAV I'm such a gee-lad though - check it bro-blood-brethren. Me and my crew - me real time brethren - the Green Streeterz, yep with a zee at the end, iiiight! Yo, yeah - check our site, yeah? Like I's chatting like, totally mentalist, erm, yeah, like - we's ripping it up dark-sick-cowboy-gangsta-style; listening to some sicko-dark-shit-tunes, blasting real wild mental tunage vision vibes; all of it, maaan.Yeah? Oh yeah...We get to go to some party, a house-warming-ting - it turns into a orgy! Serious blooder - I screwed two birds, and it was messy, you know? It was - you know?

GUTHRIE No - I wasn't there was I?

TAV I'm sure I saw you there!

GUTHRIE No...I don't know -

TAV Well, these two birds dressed like porn stars - they even kept their heels on when they got into bed! How wild style can you get? I'm kicking myself I didn't film it. Or did I?

GUTHRIE I don't know - it sounds like something I'd avoid.

TAV It was darkside sicko-wickee-wildstyle FOR REAL! I deejayed, spat my new lyrics - I would bust me rhymes now, but I can't risk you ripping them.

GUTHRIE Don't worry - I'll catch it on your page.

TAV Need no techno-pages fool! We're too underground.

GUTHRIE You busk on the underground?

TAV I wouldn't turn it down, but I don't like crowds, they get me stressing and flexing; I'm more of a studio person - though I ain't ever laid a beat before. It's my trigger-finger it needs itching. (Making a gun sound; GUTHRIE shakes his head, laughing at TAV.) I busted it playing G.T.A.

GUTHRIE You're kidding me?

TAV Fucking well tough iightin-nit.

GUTHRIE Of course - tough hood stuff that squares will never know!

TAV And my beard trimmer broke, and my moisturiser's playing me up - so I'm a bit of a mess this morning. I still look good though. If I was a ho I'd want me, erriight? See, I can still be buff.

GUTHRIE You said it! I heard you dig the lady-look! All that make-up! I thought you'd hate Buffy though.

TAV(checking himself in his compact.) You up for going to the bar? I'll pick up some more babes - as you know being a player's tough.

GUTHRIE Who is this crew of yours?

TAV See there's my outside-of-geeky-uni mates - me ol' skool crew, then zee bitches; they don't mix with you losers as they're losers too - get me?

GUTHRIE Yes, erm...no I -

TAV But we can still get some drinks in - can't we?

GUTHRIE I can't see why not! I suppose chatting bullshit is public property these days!

TAV Right on blooduh! (GUTHRIE offers TAV a dried tissue that he waves away, GUTHRIE puts it back into his pocket.) That Sadler mate of yours owes me a few pints, too.

GUTHRIE Don't worry - he owes everyone!

GUTHRIE and TAV exit, leaving the lecture room empty.

TWO:LECTURE ROOM.
Night, early hours of the morning. DIRKSON is bound and gagged, wearing very little, in the empty lecture room. We see DR SUKIM enters, dressed like a dominatrix Witch, smiling at him; she pours baby oil on DIRKSON, forcefully massaging him. DIRKSON tries to wriggle free, looking scared. DR SUKIM takes out a cock-ring on a chain and tries to hypnotise him with it. DIRKSON, momentarily, loses his strength.

SUKIM Ooh,shh! It fiinee!

DIRKSON(pleading.) Ummmmmerrrumm!

SUKIM Yar - cun yar imagine? Oh yar, it's oh-kai!

DIRKSON frantically tries to escape, but SUKIM reaches for a strap-on dildo, rubbing lube on it. DIRKSON looks at it and passes out, as SUKIM laughs.

THREE:BAR.
Next day, around lunchtime, we see some exam signs around. SADLER is trying to read a large heavy book; he starts to roach the back of the book - not bothered by who sees.

SADLER FUCKIN’ PIECE OF…Shit...Fuck...I’ll finish it off. Fuck, it’s well…Fuck it all - I’m going for a drink.

PERCIVAL enters, looking harassed sweating and very messy, carrying a huge travel-bag

PERCIVAL My word, you actually do make it in here?

SADLER Sometimes - it’s gone quick.

PERCIVAL Well, I've got your draft - very good if I may say so. One or two things we can sort out, but you’re a bit of a surprise; I don’t think this course challenges you at all. Don’t worry Mister Sadler, I won’t blow your cover, but I’ll put a few words in with my former colleagues at Oxford. Don’t worry, there’s no pressure at all. You really should’ve tried to go to a better university first, though; but to be honest it doesn’t matter where you get the B.A. first these days - it’s all about the research and ending up at the best places.

SADLER(looking confused.) Erm…Well I was -

PERCIVAL Yes, well, sorry! I won’t keep you - I’ll give you that book you need on Monday. Take care - pray Fulham don’t get thrashed by United!

PERCIVAL exits, still looking flustered.

SADLER(looking stunned.) I really need something now.

SADLER is baffled, dropping the book on the floor.

PART FOUR:ADVICE ON HOW TO KEEP GETTING FUCKED WHEN YOU'RE FAILING [Revised Edition].

ONE:BAR
Day/night/day…SADLER face down in the middle of the bar in a pack of Space Raiders, GUTHRIE enters, staggering slowly towards SADLER.

DJ(voice off/over.) BAR HAS TO BLOODY CLOSE! IT'S RAN OUT! YOU WON'T GET SERVED! OIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII! FUCK OFF 'OME NOW! DONT YOO HAVE ANYTHING TO DO? GO ON! OI - YOO LISTENIN’!? ‘ULLO?

SADLER Errrm?

GUTHRIE Yeah, we got a lecture sometime...one more - a swifty?

GUTHRIE hands a load of cans out of his pocket giving a few to SADLER, smiling, looking spaced.

GUTHRIE Very relaxed in here now.

We hear 'Video Killed The Radio Star' by The Buggles mixed with Grandmaster Flash‘s ‘Beat Street’, but it stops suddenly switching to pan-pipes mood music. We hear someone screaming from outside. SADLER and GUTHRIE then get some more cans handed to them, coughing and pushing each other playfully. STAR enters wearing a muddy Burberry raincoat, looking wasted. Her hair is unkempt and she, stumbles to the table, looking at GUTHRIE and SADLER as if they're not quite there.

STAR I lost my notes and my subject guide, I haven’t slept in…I use to sleep really well, I…can't get no -

GUTHRIE(starts to put on some make-up trying to look like a weird variant of Brandon Lee's 'The Crow' and Heath Ledger's version of 'The Joker'.) Don't worry about them, it's the taking part that counts, right.

STAR URR?

GUTHRIE You'll pass, it’ll be right as rain; we'll stay here for the alternative night, though! I'm deejaying later - I only just remembered, I think.

STAR Really?

GUTHRIE Yes. Maybe!

STAR DEEJAY? That isn’t relevant to our course…is it?

GUTHRIE Well, it's extra-curricular. When I say deejay I mean play my CDs over the PA. I'm not a hippy-hoppy-yo-ho-ho-bo-bo-man. Hell no! I'm raw-ish. With a hint of chilled essence. Like musical vanilla essence - if it’s scientifically viable to-

STAR I need some, erm…

GUTHRIE Pro-Plus?

STAR…Food, I think. I can’t remember when I last ate.

GUTHRIE No food round here.

STAR UGH!?

GUTHRIE They've cancelled the food today?

STAR But my WHOLE place got munched out.SHIT!

GUTHRIE(smiles, teasing.) Is that what you Yanks call it now?

STAR Man, I'm -

GUTHRIE I think Sadler's trying to drink his pint...He's still fucked. I should film this, shouldn’t I?

STAR Is there a lecture?

GUTHRIE I'm blowing it out now. Can I borrow your boob tube for Tarts and Vicars night?

SADLER Hmmn? What's a -

GUTHRIE(trying to wake SADLER up.) Don't worry you can crash at my mate's mate...where's my cheque book gone?

SADLER(falling asleep on STAR; STAR looks zoned.) Ummm.

GUTHRIE We'll go to one lecture...We can still make the seminar?

SADLER Seminar? What seminar?

Someone dressed in the mask of the pink dinosaur BARNEY runs past them, they look at each other baffled.

GUTHRIE You people cool?

There is silence as the music drowns them out then the music suddenly stops, the lights get brighter to signal that the bar is trying to close.

SADLER Whuh?

GUTHRIE I thought it was Alt-night tonight, but it might be some odd kids TV night?

SADLER (shrugs swigging his can, struggling to roll a joint as he's too mashed, smiles.) ERM?

GUTHRIE(laughs at STAR and SADLER.) Shit, I think we're meant to dress as Batfink or some shit tonight!

STAR Like WHO!?

GUTHRIE I'm not sure, but fuck it - ye know how these things go!

SADLER(cupping his ear, looking wasted.) Uhhh? Wha' I drop?

STAR(shaking her head and trying to light a crushed smoke pensively, shrugs; her lighter doesn't work.) Erm, ER?

GUTHRIE(tugging at STAR and SADLER.) Come on you loved-up loungers - let's travel to the edge of the realm of uni - the cheese and wine seminar awaits! It'll open up again.

SADLER Why didn't you say cheese and wine?...I'll go. No more fucking Buggles, though!

SADLER suddenly full of energy dashes out of the bar; GUTHRIE smiles, as STAR looks baffled being led out the bar by GUTHRIE as if she is getting out of some kind of hospital

TWO: LECTURE ROOM
Late lecture, some special function seminar night. There's been laid on dodgy cheesy nibbles and plastic cups of piss-like, gassy, wine. STAR looks monged. DIRKSON is getting pestered by WILF. The bar ahs re-opened again though and we can vaguely hear Eric Prydz’s ‘Call On Me’

DIRKSON(shakes his head, looking pissed off by WILF.) Calm down, Wilf, it's fine. Go home and make a cuppa-soup.

WILF(defiantly shaking his head.) I'm on my forteenth-eighteentieth. I've had maybe hundredsthsssh-shotsssh - well over fivessh bottlesess (Wipes his mouth, tries to sort out his slight slur, spits into his can of drink and puts it down, picking up another.) I reckon, plus more pints on top. I should be dead, but I’m still standing. Come on keep up! (Gulping down hard.) Oohaah! I just swallowed my puke - brilliant! KEEP UP, COME ON PEOPLE, I'M THE ONLY ONE TRYING HERE!

DIRKSON(looking around, asking everyone.) He always like this?

WILF Hello you groovy people - good to see you two trying to out-drink me, boys. I've heard Sadler can drink a lot. I saw Sadler and Guthrie at it, in the bogs, on the hard stuff.

DIRKSON(shrugs, but is looking out for them.) Relax, mate, it's cool...Did they say what bogs they're at? I've looked everywhere for them.

WILF goes to violently heave, everyone jumps away from WILF, as he tries to force himself to puke.

DIRKSON What is with the music? I was expecting something more radical. I thought you kids were all into hip-housey-under-groundey-nu-wavey-punky-ravey-metal-hop-shit?

STAR(ignores DIRKSON.) Wilf - get some more drinks in.

WILF Yes, of course, yes, right away. MY ROUND! MY ROUND! MOVE FOR THE GRIM PEEPER!

DIRKSON Cheers mate - you kinda killed the others.(Taps his drink, trying to get rid of WILF.) Mate, snap to it - I've only got a mouthful left!

WILF(hugs DIRKSON trying to stand, or find the power and co-ordination in his legs to move.) You know, I like you and I like Guthrie! You're damn funny lecturers! You think I’m fucked, but I can speak, I know you think I speak shit but I can speak, and if I speak shit it means I’m double-shit speaking, yes? (STAR sneezes into WILF’S face; WILF looks up at the ceiling.) Yes, I think we should go to the swamp, and wrestle in the moonlight.

STAR Huh? I'm sor-

DIRKSON Wrestle? I'm a revolutionary pacifist - no way, dude-pal.

STAR(laughing.) A who? A revved-pie-face?

DIRKSON A revol -

WILF I fucked a revolutionary girl called Maya. She was radical. She was just sixteen - it was so close - and it was at -

DIRKSON Is the deejay ruining Borderline with Poison?

WILF I don't remember the music, mate, but she was a good girl. She was from Karachi, or Kansas. I'd never fuck an Argentine - never, you hear? I can't remember now, but she was poor and I fucked her on the crazy-golf course at the resort. My penis smelt of chlorine, blistering it badly, as I -

DIRKSON(annoyed with WILF.) Great, mate. Boring bloody-

WILF(flexing his muscles, puffing his chest up in DIRKSON’S face.) Yes, I'm still in perfect shape - possibly the strongest student here. Oh yes, you listening Dirky? (DIRKSON nods, looking away, looking around. Thinking of an escape, but tries to perve over STAR on the sly. STAR keeps laughing at WILF, who looks behind him, thinking she's laughing at someone else.) I have slept with well over forty people now - probably closer to a hundred soon - before coming here. I was conscious for most of them, though I can't remember the rest.

DIRKSON Okay, Wilf, take it easy. Fuck off now mate - take a hint.

WILF(fake "working-class" 'it's-a-fair-cop-guv' accent.) Mate, I’m still a geezie-geezer - I just like it rough.

DIRKSON Rough?

WILF Mate, let’s not go there…again, yep? We'll need to wrestle naked in the fields. Like in my father's day, when -

STAR What you TALKING about?

DIRKSON Oh, right, don’t worry, I’m getting mixed up; mingling and sliding baby - it’s cool-grooving.

WILF Don’t worry I get it all the time, vile condition, like crabs; it was that time I had a pizza with pills, mushrooms and some cacti on; left a huge hole in my mind, I reckon. Guthrie didn’t know who made it - then those cakes! It’s all a blur, I don’t want another one of them yet - I feel I'm safer with a crate of gin for now.

STAR EXAMS? When?

WILF Soon, right? I'll have a bit of time to indulge, but I reckon I've already fucked it up. A Desmond'll do me if I'm very lucky. I'm here for the life experience.

DIRKSON Right, yeah, right. (Secretly worried.) Fuck - what exam?

STAR Oh, Guthrie’s chatting on about some academic conference piss-up; I’m only going if there’s some free BOOZE! Fuck any academic book-shit; I don’t care what some academic book plug has to say. Though, it might be interesting…I haven't made my mind up yet folks! I’ll need to be really wasted - to make it go quick - but you never know until you go! I wonder where Doctor Sukim is?

DIRKSON Star - you’ve got more lust for butt-kissing than me! Getting fucked and actually turning up for the lecture events - wow! you want a Double-Oner? (To WILF, who's looking ill, staring into nothingness.) I think Palace play mid-week don’t they?

STAR I have no idea - DUDE! I hate soccer, don't I?

DIRKSON Oh right, shit. Now I suppose I'm not in-in there, right? Bad move. Forget hearing that bit!

STAR You know, you're talking your thoughts to me - out loud, like?

DIRKSON AND? Everyone talks to themselves!

STAR Yep, sometimes - just not in public, Buck! And what was that you were going on about libraries being in Boots?

DIRKSON It's-.

STAR Crazy, I know. Fuck off, sir - I know you're perving on me.

DIRKSON I'll fuck you for a high Two-One? Right?

WILF Nope -

DIRKSON(annoyed by WILF.) Not you, posh-boy! (STAR laughs; DIRKSON is sounding really fucked now and WILF seems to be strangely more sober.) You dirty buck! Percy might be there too - is he doing lectures?

STAR Do I look like a message-board? I don't know he was saying about going for a safe fast-food feast with his PhD studs. I think they're all on acid. They're crazy. I don't know, they all go for pizza.

DIRKSON We’ll bring our pizzas - we’ll take a cakey dessert, too.(Trying to see at what STAR'S wearing under her coat) Star - I won't call it a date - but will you accompany me?

WILF Yes, well I better go and type up me diss; it’s got to be in tomorrow and I need to prepare for my exam in a couple of hours, I think. I lost my exam schedule, I’m doing them off tha cuff; freestyle.

DIRKSON(amazed.) How you blag it then?

WILF By hoping I’ve read everything then reworking it in my exam questions and mentally excreting it; it’s pretty simple, really - I’ve been doing it all my life. I’ll be buggered if I actually have to try - might as well get a real job then, something useful; but all I’m good at is taking exams.

DIRKSON Shit, you’ll be done in. Aren't you fucked, you jammy bastard?

WILF Fuck it, eh? I suppose life’s too short to worry about it. I'll be safe whatever the cost. It's who you know and where - that's the key. Star feel free to come round to mine, and fuck me whenever you want.

STAR smiles, as WILF laughs. DIRKSON looks shocked, as it is what he wanted to really ask STAR,but didn't have the bottle to ask.

STAR Oh, right. Thanks, but I'm a re-born Cana-Atheist-Pagan-Christian-Spiritualist. I do not believe in that.

WILF Oh, right - well that's great; worth a try. I'm sure we'll think of something later. You take care, erm...Sorry - what's is your name again?

DIRKSON ignores WILF and tries to force his way to join some other people at another part of the lecture room. WILF makes the wanker sign behind DIRKSON'S back, as STAR laughs out loud.

THREE:BAR
SADLER and STAR are passed out. STAR has puked everywhere when they've both passed out on top of each other. SADLER has stodgy ketchup around his mouth; STAR has powder around her nose, and swigs from a bottle of Port, passing some to SADLER.

STAR Well, we’ve woke up in this place together before….I guess…(Spits out her joint hanging from her mouth; SADLER swigs some Port, smeared ketchup around his mouth.) Shit…What we do last night?

SADLER Got anything left from -

STAR(wipes SADLER’S mouth, with a dirty tissue.) No way, have I? You got some messy goo stuff.

SADLER Don’t worry, it’s fuck all these days.

STAR I lost my certificate thingy…is it the real one or will they send a fresh one in the post?

SADLER(shrugging.) Don’t worry it’s fuck all these days, too. When I went for a job stacking tampons they didn’t even to bother to look if I had any cee-vee.

STAR I’ll leave all that to my dad's people back home.

SADLER Oh, right.

STAR That reminds me I should phone my dad for another loan, I’m all maxed out - I didn’t realise how costly pounds can still be; everything’s so expensive here, and the quality of things isn't great here - it's a weird bargain.

SADLER Yep, well, you kinda get used to it. If you’re always gonna be a loser then -

STAR You should try and go for a real job. Maybe in politics.

SADLER WHAT?

STAR Well, it’s something creative.

SADLER(the worse Joe Dolce impression ever.) Shaddappa ya face.

STAR But they all think your smart.

SADLER(almost serious, almost sober.) You’re smart - why you wasting your time here?

STAR I haven’t ever lived OK? I hated it being all locked up and protected. Obliviously, as you'll know, I didn’t plan to spend all this money; I’m sure my family will pay for everything, though.

SADLER That's lucky, I'm looking forward to the chilled existence on various benefits.

STAR You'll come and visit me?

SADLER Really...shit, that sounds serious.

STAR It is, dick-wad!

SADLER Shit - I can't tell no more!...Did the band come on in the end?

STAR laughs, as she hugs SADLER, who looks surprised.

EPILOGUE [OR PROLOGUE]: P.S.ANOTHER POINTLESS BIBLIOGRAPHICAL NOTE.

ONE:TOILET
GUTHRIE is dressed as Mandrake the Magician; he's post-interview, tearing up his letter and another application form, slipping on the pissy, vomit-smeared, floor. He looks at himself in the smeared-up, broken, mirror. Trying to smarten himself up, brushing smears of white powder and ash off him, adjusting his cape and top hat.

GUTHRIE(looking annoyed; looks like he‘s going to kill himself.) Not worth studying for it - bloody great advice! (Mimics a stereotypical Oxbridge accent.) Oh yes, I hope you've got some rich folks - brilliant advice, just classic! New Britain, same mess...Why do I want another call centre job? I just quit a call centre a few years back thinking I’d get something more, erm, something - anything!…Hopefully, in what I’d like to do - I should've stayed at the call centre! Though that might've been gone too now! Damn it!….I’m better off without this…I really miss being on a pointless course. I was someone there…(Takes out a battered mobile phone, putting a filthy resin covered smoke in his mouth, and opens a half-bottle of Napoleon brandy, guzzling it as the he fiddles with his mobile phone; waiting for someone to pick up, this takes a bit of time, as the University administration like to answer the phones when it suits them. He keys in automated requests, guzzling more brandy. Suddenly, a person picks up; GUTHRIE suddenly transforms - very fake - into a very cheerful mood, complete with a cheesy TV Presenter style-grin.) Hello! Yes! Hi! I need a wee bit of advice, please!...Well, I’ve just graduated, right; but it’s a pile of doo-dah out here in the real world - isn't it?!... Sorry, I thought you'd know!...'Kay, so, I'm only wondering if you've got any places on any Masters courses left?

While GUTHRIE waits for an answer, he starts getting more and more drinks handed to him, some are even thrown over him as GUTHRIE’S trying to listen but he can’t hear the reply as the worse DJ set ever blares out, as the CD starts to jump really bad, then cuts out, the power goes, then comes back on slowly, a flickering light. The set continues, gripped firmly by campy cheese tunes - with a horrendous, but crowd- pleasing remix of Kylie Minogue's 'Locomotion'. Oddly, The Chemical Brothers 'Hey Boy, Hey Girl' is filtering through, but is getting hacked, as we hear Smashing Pumpkins 'Bodies' dominate the horrendous remix; but feel free to dance and have it right off [/out], etc, as GUTHRIE starts to dance away with the rest of the cast and anyone else who wants to join in.

TWO:BAR
Enjoy the wank that is student culture and embrace it fully in a mutual love for it's superficial existential wank, as people [cast and audience] can join in and dance to the aforementioned set.

ZWISHZAPZINGZONG by O'Sullivan and Peterson

Entities electrified:

DOLDO/TODDY - both annoying fascists.
HAGEN/BOB/MALDEN - fantasisies of one of these entities, but who?
RELTON/MOTH/TEMPLE - the schizoid leader of the spacecraft.
REFTO/COLLEY - the epitomy of annoyance; both bored by boredom.
TERW/'DR.TOSKEN'/KASCANO - another annoying entity, but uses the programme more than the others.
VALANCE/TABBY - a lost soul who wants fun.
GUINOW/MILLS - another lost soul who wants order and constantly seeks a companion.
'MAWTER' puppet, WAITER puppet, 'BOVVY'-puppet. Voice of 'MARGE'.Advert VOICEOVER

Set: apparently on a spacecraft, but everyone seems to be trapped between a virtual-stasis programme which merges their past/future lives with their fantasies.

A PHASE: Runtime Error.

Secret Scene Inside...
On a space craft, cargo bay. Doldo enters, addressing everyone.

Doldo:(glaring at the audience, drooling.) You fuckers, you better shape up and get started! You know you lazy researchers better come up with something and eat your fucking food. We know that you know it’s shit, but you will be shot to shit if you keep resisting. (Everyone pelts Doldo with paper cups, charred foil and other junk; he cringes but loves it.) Don’t fuck with me or the section committee: if it wasn’t for us you’d still be on Earth!

They pelt him again. Doldo exits, crawling. Hagen enters looking confused. Refto and Terw enter, linked by tubes that keep falling out, but there’s loads of tubes connecting them.

Hagen: Hello people. How’s the life?

Refto: Fuck you, rich bitch. We followed your father's instructions and joined him on this crappy crusade. I’m going to get off at the next colony.

Terw: Don’t go there, man. It’s Colony Forty-Six. It’s full of mutants. Somethin’ real shitty. Not like Watchmen or X-Men.

Refto: Like I give a shit - and I don’t care about nothing okay! I just want to get out of this mess. I’m going mad in space. It’s like an old, bad, movie. It’s just that I wish their was an alien here to kill me.

Terw: Hey, Refto; I think Doldo will kill you for nothing.

Refto: You know what I want to know, Terw: I want to know why we left earth when we could have saved it!

Hagen: Look, the Earth only had seven point five billion years left - roughly. It wouldn’t have lasted much longer the way we were going. We are lucky to be part of my fathers sect; he can’t do it without your money.

Terw: Look, let's just get off this shit ship.

Hagen: Guys, guys, guys! You have to stay. It’s a whoa-man magicky sorty crystal-uppy ship -how many ways can you spend your time? Eternity rocks. You’re just getting Earth sick! Ah! How sweet! Oooh! Makes me feel all gooey! I bet you miss your old, pointless, Earth jobs. My father made this ship for us - rich on earth, rich in space -we’ll be able to travel in style. We had teething problems, I know, all the money vanished, and we had to get the ship going earlier than planned. You do know the CIA are on to us? Well, they noticed our millions vanishing. My father, Chief Relton, will make us a futuristic society. These conditions are only temporary. Follow me.

Terw: Is this for the futuristic orgies and stuff - like we see on Bravo. You know I thought we would all wear lycra and spandex!

Hagen: No.

Refto: Maybe we stowed away on the wrong ship, duckie?

Scene 0.
The spacecraft.Small polystyrene Pods covered in tin foil are lined up. They are frozen. An airlock opens, hear a zwish sound. A puppet child enters. The airlock closes. The child wanders around, but the airlock opens again, another zwish sound. A Bio-Chemical war suited person grabs the child, crushing it slowly, and drags the child away. The child resists, but is, eventually, dragged away. The airlock closes. Silence.

Penis Bank.
Penises are on shelves and there is a monitor in the background showing a man attaching different types of large penises - all uncomfortable looking. Bob, the manager, dusts the penises on the shelf, with a jiffy cloth. Moth enters.

Moth: You okay, Bob?

Bob: No, not really. (Pause.) Sorry, how are you?

Moth: Feeling shit.

Bob: So you thought a new penis would cheer you up - good idea! I’ve got a couple new ones just in’ you could try ‘em out - like a test ride. I’m selling the new Juicebuster67. That’s if you’re interested.

Moth: I’m pissed off, in a big way. I don’t know.

Bob: Didn’t you win the lottery? This is the same Moth?

Moth: Yeah, I won - but it was the Martian one.

Bob: Yeah, I remember. I ain’t seen you in ages.

Moth: I’ve been dead.

Bob: Have this penis on the house.

Moth: Cheers Bob.

Bob: No, it’s nothing. It keeps the population down; let’s us folk enjoy life; gives us a demand on things. As long as it stays like that, it’s cool with me. I don’t mind dishing out freebies.

Moth: But what about…

Bob: The new advertising drive thing - well the GovAgency better get it sorted or we’ll just hire a cheaper one. I mean, it’s been going that way for ages. People want quick results, you know, er, what’s the word, quickly.

Moth: You know I was a bureaucrat, and I jacked my job in. Said I’d deserved it. That was nice, but I knew everyone hated me. I really don’t care about money.

Bob: That’s good. that’s very good. I think you should buy the Juicebuster - I’ll give you a discount?

Moth: Yeah, cool.

Scene 0.5
A space craft. A corridor. Terw and Refto follow Hagen, stalking her as she sleepwalks.

Hagen: Look, you’ve just watched Dark Star too much.

Terw: No way, I got bored of everything. I am boredom. I don’t know…will death be fun? It’s harsh to say, as life is cheap, but I really love life, and I hate the thought of death. But living is so boring and -

Hagen: I know you think I’m a spoilt rich girl; but I think you don’t know me. Find out what is really going on. Trust me - it’s only a sensory overload. You’ll be in love with it soon. Meet back here at zero four hundred million hours

Refto: No way - I’ll be in bed.

Hagen: Yeah, I know.

Terw: Oh, Hagen, you durrrteeee gurl! You going to join us in bed?

Refto: What you on about? We don’t sleep together, you spaced-fucker!

Terw: I’ve forgot my lazer-lenses that is why I’m being so random - sorry.

Hagen: No need to apologise to me. I didn’t think you were sleeping together?

Refto: Join us, join us! Who the fuck cares! Bring your own cable though!

Terw: See! Aaahwanker!

Refto: Fuck you, bitch.

Pause. They all glare angrily at each other; it’s tense as if they’re going to launch into a argument, then suddenly soften, smiling, stroking each other, tenderly, giggling, then move away glaring at each other angrily again.

Hagen: Okay, well, I better get back to my work. See you here...Later?

Refto and Terw try to strip, but the cables are to tight on them, they suck each others tubes and then get tangled and mixed up, trying to unhook themselves, looking exhausted, they sit in:

Scene 1.
A spacecraft: Holo-lounge. Refto and Terw are in chairs. They don’t move. Both have their eyes blacked out. Lights in multi-coloured patterns swirl round them in rapid strobes, then relaxing star-lights. Shadows gyrate around them. Valance and Guinow enter.

Valance: How long have they been in there?

Guinow: For ever. As long as I’ve known them.

Valance: So it’s been a while. Look, Guinow, let me make it up to you. I used to lick ass for a living?

Guinow: Okay, Valance, but I want to know why this experiment has gone wrong.

Valance: It wasn’t real enough for them. They wanted a reality, but we gave them the world of varying alternate realities. They knew no better.

Guinow: (wiping her butt with a cloth and throwing it over his face, enjoying it.) Sorry. Run that by me again; I wasn’t listening. I was thinking of probation.

Valance: (sniffing the cloth, deeply.) Yes, so was I - the shit’s so good, love space shit. I was trying to come up with a bad innuendo.

Guinow: No, you were trying to be arousing. Weren’t you?

Valance: I suppose, yes, I was displaying an emotion. But I wanted you to feel my trauma. I do care, I’m not pretending. Well, I think so...

Guinow: I think you are. Look, let’s not get personal. The crew has the right to know that this isn’t safe. And it’s all in their food and in their DNA. They’re fucking mutants now. What are we going to do? They’re on their way to Colony 46. We have to stop them.

Valance: No, we must cover this up. No-one must find out. They were guinea pigs, but we must not tell the crew. Underplay it as a myth. They will get suspicious and so will Relton.

They stare; pause. They then kiss gently.

[Advert]
We see an office made out of cardboard; it has a cardboard table and chairs and the computers are even cardboard. We hear: System of a Down’s ‘Arto’ and we see a young bureaucrat called Colley jump into the office. He then starts to trash it and dance in a weird way to the savage beat. Then , once the office is really trashed, we hear a cheesy voice over. Colley does a catalogue pose; bearing his chest and picks up a pot-plant which he holds.

VO: Hey people, you lucky, lucky, people. Do you think the bureaucrat is all pen-pushing and being geeky? They’re overpaid and they know it! The yuppie scum are gonna hafta to do some work! And this is how it works: we give workers the opportunity now to alleviate stress by trashing their offices for a chunk of their monthly wage. This experience is fun and is the ultimate group exercise. Also, we’ve started an initiative that the bureaucrat will help you. The first sign is watch these office bores plant tress, clean streets, wipe the shit away; and help improve the community; it’s needed and must be done. Thank you for you’re time.

Scene 1.5.
A spacecraft. Corridor. Hagen is waiting. Refto appears then Terw does, moments later.

Hagen: Why did you arrive later? I thought you two slept together? Oh, now that ruins the fantasy.

Terw: Err, yeah we do sleep together. On occasions. Not always.

Refto: You’re making it worse. It was your idea to arrive separately, now you’re saying we’re sleeping together. Look, just stop coming onto me.

Terw: Look, she has the power. it’s called sex magic.

Refto: Oh, really. Well, I didn’t know women were sexual shaman.

Terw: You’re a twat do you know that? I think that light-speedy thing fucked you up. Up, like proper. Proper-fucked in the head. Refto, that could be the name of our space documentary?

Hagen(to the audience, while Refto and Terw discuss their plan.) Trilight. It’s a bad name, but we want something catchy, but daddy couldn’t get the rights to get light-speed off George Lucas. Everyone calls it light-speed. Warp whatever never really caught on - well it's cool. Better than fucking Trilight. (Turns to Refto and Terw, who stop talking. She thinks they are gay and she likes that. Hagen takes off her jacket and throws it down.) It’s getting hot in here. Shall we take off all our skins?

Refto: Well, yeah. We might do. But we thought you were going to tell us something. Like some deforming shit that’s in the food, or something like that. (Trying to scare; laughs it off.) We’ll be mutants and all that shit!

Hagen: It’s in you, it’s in you, it’ll always be in you.

Terw: Alien? Not Aliens?

Hagen: No - NO! There’s a Alien Three or Four. No Five or Six. Is there? I dunno. You should always free the inner alien, though. My twin died inside me, but we still speak, it’s nothing new - we are each other now, I’m gonna cut the lazy fuck out!OH YES I AM! YES! I AM A CRAZY CUTIE! (Taps to the back of her skull, then jabs it violently, wiping a ball of saliva from the corner of her mouth, laughing at Terw and Refto.) Fuckin’ -

Refto: I’m lost. Are you suggesting, Hagen, that we play astral hide and seek in this quadrant?

Hagen: Well, yes! That’s what I wanted to show you. My play quadrant. This ship is massive and you think it’s small! You have no idea what a large place this is. I have control because Relton is my poopsie poppa. But you know I get lonely. I bother your world, but that gets too competitive sometimes. I like to masturbate here. And I like getting caught - that is a huge turn on! I fuck the person who catches me masturbating. I fucked a dog last week because it saw me through the walls of my bedroom.

Refto: Ah, that explains everything!

Hagen strips off completely, revealing an oily scaled-reptilian body and Refto and Terw try to follow her, stripping as well in desperation, but they can’t seem to part from their slithery suits

NEXT PHASE: Treason of the Clerks [or: Thank You, Iris!]

Office.
Night. Cardboard again but spray painted messily. Bovvy walks in, and throws the telephone cord round a beam and wraps on end round his neck. He then clears the papers off the cardboard table and stands on it, the cardboard table cannot take his weight and it collapses, part of the cardboard tears , and this hangs Bovvy. Bovvy struggles, choking.

Office.
Day. Everyone rushes around Bovvy’s body, sticking post-it notes to it sniffing it, whatever, and getting in the way of the two police officers, or crime assessors ,called Mills and Kascano. Both look haggard. Malden, completely genderless, enters. It looks at the body and talks into a pen, which seems to whisper back to it. Malden nods in agreement with the pen.

Malden: (to Kascano.) This could really fuck our advertising.

Kascano: Look, he was behind with his penis payments. You’ve got round it, I see, but others can’t do that. I mean, it’s a penis.

Malden: So? I think Bovvy knew what he was doing. The idiot was having fun.

Mills: Yeah, but he was in debt. You can’t really do that - cancel each other out. You can’t do…you just…no.

Malden: I think he’s got a family.

Mills: Don’t tell me they know?

Malden: I haven’t notified them.

Mills: I think we should control the number of workers in today.

Malden: But I need staff.

Kascano: They could be traumatised; I mean how many office levels have seen a dead body.

Colley enters, taking off a pill mask.

Colley: (eating it, licking his pill mask like a lollypop.) Wow, man, a dead body. This has made my Monday morning.

Kascano: Look, beat it kid - this ain’t funny.

Malden: (smiling.) No, it’s not.

Mills: Look, I think you can pay some respect to your colleague.

Colley: I didn’t know him. I really didn’t.

Malden: Well, I did. And he was good. I mean, a good guy.

Mills: You fuck him?

Malden: I think we should go into my office - it’s on the thirteenth floor.

Kascano: Great, I knew it’d be unlucky today!

Colley: Chow! Take care, coppies!

Toddy approaches Colley, as Kascano, Mills and Malden talk in hushed tones.

Toddy: Useless-boy, I don’t know how you got this gig, as Moth’s replacement, but I know you fucked up the penis permits. Bovvy’s penis was fine. He knew he was chasing a fine line - and you killed him. We issue those permits and you could’ve made him-

Colley: You mean just issue him one without paying?

Toddy: Well, least we all know you are not Moth. You fucked it up, you didn’t dodge it. We know that you’re after promotion.

Colley: Look, I don’t give a fuck about promotion, I jus do my job. I think you’re cool.

Toddy: What in a 'Bill and Ted' sort of way? No, you can fuck off you patronising little wanker - fuck off back to the bedroom you crawled out of. I’ll come down on you like a golden shower from hell, if I find you screw any of us around. Okay?

Colley: Okay. (Beat; baffled.) Golden shower from hell?

Toddy: That’s got that sorted. Not that I’m, not a liberal; I done a few E’s last night, but they're nothing now.

Colley: There’s that new one isn’t there - CJD? That’s meant to be hardcore.

Toddy: No, it’s nothing; it didn’t affect me. You should go to a better licenced dealer.

Colley: Yeah, I suppose I should.

Toddy: You take care, mate. This conversation goes no-where.

Toddy exits, making threatening signs to Colley.

Colley: (sudden burst of anger at the audience.) Can’t you stare at the dead body? CAN’T YOU? WHY STARE AT US? IT’S A DOMESTIC, BUT THAT’S ALL!

Moth enters, holding bottles of Acid beer. He stares at Bovvy and shakes his head.

Moth: (to Colley; offers a beer.) Want one?

Colley:(taking the beer, it’s full of foam as he opens it, playing with the bubbles) Cheers - I’m going ape-shit. (Blowing more bubbles.) How did you cope?

Moth: I thought about the moon. (Rubbing his beer bottle, staring at it.) Then I made up worlds.

Colley: I’m getting pissed off; I think I’m too -

Moth: I saw him just before he died. He was really cut up; his wife found out he’d been spreading it about, with some tiny pies n cheesies; and he found out some dick up here fucked up his dodgy penis permit. I would've done him a temp, or just sneaked it through. But he'd cut it fine, I have to admit. I don’t think he knew I'd left.

Colley: Did you know him?

Moth: Who?

Colley:(nodding towards Bovvy.) Him.

Moth: Bovvy?

Colley: Yeah.

Moth: Honestly? No. Never. Just superficially, yeah.

Colley: I think it’s cool you’ve got out, but you’re still doing the image thing. I think that’s good as you’ve got involved in the politics of bureaucracy. And things. Sorry I’m just trying to find something intelligent to say, it’ so hard! Braining it, I mean.

Moth: Anything to make it easier and reduce having to face dicks like Toddy everyday. He’s a little prick, but with big problems; he won’t do anything to you.

Colley: Well -

Moth: Look, I’m buying; take an early lunch or call it alternative therapy - let’s get fucked.

Colley: Yeah, I’ve got nothing better to do.

Moth: Course not - and if your job’s made any easier, standing up must be your hardest chore. I really pissed on this job; it’s piss. You should still feel lucky.

Colley: I do. Where shall we meet?

Moth: No, just come out now.

Colley: I can do that?

Moth: You’re with me - I’m alumni, huh? Lottery winner penpusher and luckball sleaze. So they’ll think you’re giving me an Ideas Council idea. It’s bullshit; just come on out. Yeah, another tip: never give ideas to the Ideas Council; if they’re good they get done badly. If they’re really good, then they’ll just never get done. But if they’re bad, they might get done. Usually nothing gets done. Or everything happens very slowly. I thought it’d be the opposite of common sense, but it’s just pointless really. No-one cares - do you?

Colley: I do, but I don’t have any fuckin’ ideas - I mean, only for kids shows and things like that. I dunno - what is a good idea? (Moth shrugs, sipping his beer.) I’m more visual - I really like alienporn, but everyone's into that at the moment. I’ve heard of people sending ideas into that Ideas Council place and just not hearing a thing back. Like my cartoon Whackee Duck - it’s about a duck who lives in Cracky river and polices the river of naughty birds that shit in it. It’s a potty trainer and I occasionally jerk off to it.

Moth: Yeah, it’s not that fascinating; it’s another boring thing. Like whether you’re going to get off Earth because it has no pollution filters, auto-recylers, or space. So it’s out of fashion.

Colley: I love the dirty city and I think Earth’s pollution is part of the Old World character. It may be history’s shithole but it’s sti cool. I don’t like being on the moon, looking at bio-domes. Going: 'Wow, it’s a plant!'. (Moth smiles.) We have tree museums and Horti-zoo’s for fucks sake!

Moth: Well, thanks for doing the ad. I know the plant in the ad was corny, but it worked. We have to be environmental. What happened to that plant?

Colley: It died. It’s weird as that ad felt like a dream?

Moth: Well, there you go - it’s cheesy. No, I haven’t seen the ad yet - I didn't know it was the idea you told me about - when we…Remember? (Pause.) I thought it was good idea at the time.

Colley exits, baffled. Moth follows.

[Advert.]
We see a fight breaking out - the puppets fighting each other. Many smash into the cardboard furniture and hit each other with it.

Voiceover: Hello, folks, and here in the office the GA has another ethical solution. This is the permit and the legislation of office fighting. It’s just like the movies - all you’re favourite cult ones with anti-consumerist messages. They’re hip but now hip is real! Reality ahs gone hip and you can beat the living daylights out of someone you hate, or for that matter, don’t hate and just want a good -old-fashioned ruck. The choice is yours and the GovAgency, of this mid-term, choose to give full - yes, full! - compensation to all users of this scheme. (Very quickly, almost sped up.) Complex cases are dropped and compensation depends on damages limiting ability to work.

The puppets keep fighting but in slow motion.

Split-time[2ish].
A space craft. Victorian explorers enter. They are as if part of an old adventure film. Dr. Tosken grabs an old camera, a ridiculously large and battered pinhole camera, which he points like a phallus at the audience, then at Mawter. Mawter is Tosken’s assistant who enters slowly, carrying all the expedition bags.

Tosken: Ah, yes, yes, yes! Dr. Tosken, discoverer of the New World! A crystal-ship of happiness. A future resort in the Emerald Beyond! Ah, why not invest in Utopia...Very good, if I may say so myself!

Mawter: Er, no, me sirs, we’s thinks that me’s ‘elped yous’s all the same; ooooooooh, yes. Mawter strong mutant-bot. Brainlessssss thuggie for peepsies wit’ moneeeessss.

Tosken: Constable Mawter, keep your voice down. We don’t want to alarm the aliens - who look like ants and are definitely evil - even though we know nothing of there vile civilisation. Just like Christians understanding Muslims. Or Tandoori.

Mawter: Ooooh, ses, mes, wantes, payes rise. Pay rise?High rise?

Tosken: Hush fool - just pay me more and I’ll help you more. That is the principle of this new alien society we are about to take over. Hopefully, it will be evil so when we do destroy it, we can actually release some good press coverage. Faking thing’s like this is getting harder.

Mawter: You are blatant. You prick.

We hear the scream of Ming the Merciless’ Giant maggot, it’s a horrid
scream. Mawter vanishes.

Terw:(taking off Tosken’s fake moustache.) Would you stop the life-play right there…I wanted something a bit more…I don’t know. I want to think about it.

An airlock opens. Refto enters.

Refto: You still doing this make your own movie shit. You know, it was better when they use to make movies. Real movies. Not remakes, but the classics. The remakes are recycled.

Terw: You’re recycled.

Refto: Don’t you think I know that? That’s why I come round here to get some. Some druid. I hear it’s costly, but I want this . I can’t deal with space travel and I think it will make me go mad.

Terw: Space makes you sane. I like my space. I don’t need junkie mates bothering me. I’m clean and I don’t need this. Maybe a bit of paganism. You aren’t meant to get junkies in the future! Are you?

Terw screams, hitting his head on the floor, rocking. Valance and Guinow enter.

Valance: This isn’t good propaganda. This is not going to make them think the food we give them is safe. We give them water to drink which was their piss. They don’t know we drain shit of fluid. Mineral water companies buy it. it’s the future. We’ve fucked our planet up. We have to get off Earth. This has to be an advert for it. The futurists need your skill.

Guinow: But I love Earth.

Valance: Look, we maybe the last, but we’re not the best. We need more help.

Guinow: Let’s make some androids!

Valance: And drugs! We need lots. For the pain of living. Will it blow our senses?

Guinow: It will be a sensory overload.

Valance: We should make our propaganda like that. But instead of a greedy cause, we’ll make people feel better about others!

Guinow: I love you. Let’s get the stuff. We know it’s in everyone’s food. It’s been in the filtering systems; the air is fucked as well. I really love you. Who are you? We still at the Garage? NO WAY! Factory? I’ll phone for a cab, FUCKIN' CHANGING NAMES, CHANGING SHIT ALL THE FUCKIN' TIME!

Valance:(unimpressed, goes to inject Guinow.) I wondered why we were feeling odd and not acting professionally. I will clean the window sill in the morning. Why we are stripping off, why we are kissing? Why are falling in love? it feels as if you were meant for me, but we are one, aren’t we? We are just here for each other. We might be after them, but those heading for colony 46 will be mutants by the time we get there. Tesco’ll get it, they’re too strong. Buy ten get a colony free.

Guinow: I don’t care. We will have to make do with this air. We will be burdened, but must get help.

Valance: I’ll send out a distress pod. They’ll track it. Don’t worry; it’s aside effect of space travel. You’re brain goes mushy and everyone thinks it’s psychological. That’s bull shit; it’s not. It is a simple function: you’re brain is not used to space travel. Thus you’ll have these hallucinations, which are all caused by the space vaccinations.

Pause. Guinow takes out some test tubes, frozen in liquid nitrogen, she hands them to Valance. He kisses them, but gets his lip stuck on the tubes. Guinow ignores this and takes a matchboxsized old Viewcam form her pocket and records a message (which is delivered as if to the audience). Meanwhile, Valance struggles in the back ground.

Guinow: (into psiViewcam.) This is no future. That’s why we left Earth; earth had no future.Who am I talking too? It was a nice place. For a bit, but you know what people are like form my earlier lectures. I hope you’re not hooked to space drugs and having dreams and seeing things. It can’t be good for you. I want you lot to be pure and unpolluted. I don’t know what you are yet, but when you are found, you will be able to explain why you are so far from earth. I know it’s a risk, but sometimes I feel as if I’m killing the future without realizing it. (Valance rips the tubes away, but pulls part of his tongue off; blood spurts, but he makes no sound. He drops the tubes. They smash. He kicks the remains to one side and picks up another tube and starts to masturbate it rapidly. Guinow is oblivious.) I can’t kill the future. It would be a crime. I wouldn’t want to burden you; I really can’t handle that. But enough doom and gloom, we’re free. We’re off the shit hole. We have to stop things getting out of our control and we’ll protect you at any cost; we really will. We’ll make sure you’ll have secure and stable futures . futures where you know what’s going to happen, and life is good. You would be called prosperous on earth, but here it just normal. And that’s what we want to maintain. We’re not normal, but at least you know your future.

Guinow turns suddenly, Valance come into a cup ,as well as a test tube. He drops the tube in fright, almost simultaneously. Guinow turns off the psiViewcam. She smacks Valance rapidly around the face. Then kisses his cheek.

Valance: I’m putting you on stronger medication.

Guinow: (takes the cup and downs the semen.) All I needed was a drink. That’s an acquired taste. I’ve tasted that before. Was it ouzo?

Valance: Don’t worry, it will be fine. Come on, let’s retreat to the holo deck and have some fun. We can create anything on this ship. It’s great , isn’t it?

Pause.

Guinow: I want you to kill me when we’re ready for the sleep.

Valance: But it might not have worked?

Guinow: I don’t care: I’m Earth sick.

Valance: Nothing can be done for this.

Valance goes to kiss Guinow, but Guinow rebukes him, bleeding.

Guinow: So we could be machines?

Valance: Don’t be silly; we’re people. We were never automatons - we expressed ourselves. We got rid of stamp duty. We had power over society.

Guinow: But we only had coupons. Our time had expired.

Valance: So, you see the girl too?

Guinow: Yes, I dream about her: her name is Tinnie. I’m not a lesbian; she’s my daughter.

Valance: Hah! The ghoul does not exist! I think I’ll lower your iodine and raise your Zopiclone, and your Melleril dosage.

Guinow: Not yet, they can’t do it yet! But she will…I see our child. Our unborn child, mutating with other kids, unwanted but needed; we’ve no society.

Valance: We must have enough power to stay in stasis. If we are under-powered we could thaw early and our brains could be damaged; we would have to kill our selves. (Pause.) Here’s the compromise: couldn’t we make some androids?

Guinow: I’m making Tinnie! TINNIE! TINNIE! TINNIE HAGEN MY FUCKIN KID! - Why did she leave me? I had a doll called Tinnie when I was younger; it was my favourite doll. You think I’m mad, don’t you? That’s fine, I think your a prick - It’s my right to think it, isn’t it?

Valance: Dammit woman! Yes, you’re right! ALWAYS FUCKIN RIGHT! Don’t lose it on me! I can’t be a hero; we don’t need another….I’m going to crack up, but I can’t have you babbling about a child that doesn’t exist. You can’t be pregnant. You have no womb. I have a limited amount of sperm. It’s kept in stasis, actually. I ejaculate a space-gunk. It started when the medication kicked in; I think we made errors by trying to make the food healthy. The opposite always happens when you do that! Don’t worry; we can’t have kids just yet, but soon; they‘ll be vacuum kids made of Titanium. Let’s get the ship all right first and get to the colony.

Guinow: You bastard! You bastard! I left the Viewcam on! It recorded! IT RECORDED THAT! The kids will hear it now.

Valance: There never will be any kids. We shouldn’t burden them with a shit world. We have not created it. At least leave specimens and if we get the androids running we can build something while in stasis. By that time, we’ll be past Pluto. Are we past Pluto yet?

There is a silence. Valance and Guinow hug. Tightly. We hear the sound of a child skipping, then playing hop-scotch, on a metallic floor. The hops get louder, as does the whip of skipping rope then deafening. It somehow becomes the sound off an engine; an engine struggling for power and at the same time gaining power. A blinding white light momentarily flashes and fades into:

Scene 1[a]Garish cardboard bar.
Moth and Colley are drunk, they sit in a cardboard booth with a sixties/seventies fake-retro feel.

Colley:(pukes into a paper bag, lobbing it at Moth, who pukes in the same paper bag and goes to throw it at Colley, who then makes a horrid gagging sound, then shouting; across the bar.) TABBY! TABS!

Tabby enters with Kascano and Mills, both are fondling her drunkenly and she’s loving it.
Tabby wears a revealing suit, as Kascano and Mills sneakily fondle her. However, she gropes them both frequently.

Tabby: (slurred.) Oh, Coll, Colleywog! How are you?

Colley: Fine, Howyouzadoin’?

Kascano: You know this guy?

Tabby: Yes, Toby, I do. I know him well. Can I call you Tobes?

Kascano: Whatever.

Colley: Do you want me -

Tabby: No, no, Officer Millie, here, was just goin’ to get me a drink!

Mills: Er…yeah. What d’you all want?

Colley: A gooey fanny and a painful fistino!

Tabby: You could be in luck there.

Mills: Oh, I know him - he’s the dick from the office suicide.

Kascano: Shame he doesn’t do himself in next.

Colley: (laughing, in hysterics.) Oh, don’t worry boys! I will - once you buy the cocktails! I’m thinking of drinking myself to death. (Moth laughs.) Moth, here, has been drinking them all day with me. We don’t want to mix our drinks, you know. (Moth laughs louder, Tabby joins them. Kascano and Mills look unimpressed.) It could be dangerous.

Tabby: Let them have their old-fashioned cocktails!

Moth: Hey, people. Shall we chill out. I’ll get the drinks, let’s just drink.

Mills: Actually, Moth - it is Moth?

Moth: Yeah. I use to work -

Kascano: We know - the MARTIAN LOTTERY WINNER!

Moth: Yeah, thanks for that.

Tabby: You won a lottery?

Moth: Yeah. It was only the -

Tabby: Sorry, Colley, you don’t mind I sit next to -

Colley: (getting up, moving.) Oh, no. I’ve got to take a piss anyway.

Colley exits. Tabby sits next to moth and Kascano moves into. Mills sits, picking up a phone near the table, sticking a microchip on his head, smiling..

Mills: (into phone.) I want two pints of hearts beer, and a Batman vodka. I also want some champagne and a plate of chips - with mayo, coke, and mustard. Yeah,…yeah…yeah. okay, oh, yeah, get me some cocktails - a gooey something…Yeah that was it…And a…er…yeah, I think that was it. Whatever, eh?…Cheers....uh, i'm buzzin.

Tabby: So you enjoy the win?

Moth: No, not really.

Kascano: I’ll have you’re money.

Moth: I don’t think you’re registered as a charity.

Kascano: I’d give fuck all to charity - they do fuck all. They’re just organised begging companies. Fuck that.

Moth: Yeah, well, whatever.

Kascano: What we need is one big, good, revolution. We need more people to arrest. The cops on the colonies have it really tough, but Earth’s a doss. It’s fuckin’ boring; you want something to ahppned. Everyone’s just got cancer, or whatever the new disease is, and are dying. Everyone’s dying.

Colley enters.

Colley: That sounded profound. Really?

Kascano: Don’t get clever with me, shithead.

Moth: Hey easy - shall we talk about movies or something?

Kascano: No, we won’t agree on that. I can tell his twatness is probably a Kubrick fan and won’t stop going on at me. I can’t take that, it’s all over-rated shit anyway; it don’t change people. They just go nice; did you see muff? That’s all I’m interested in: did I see somethin sexual. I want doctors to let us tune into endoscopes while they’re performing keyhole surgery. Arses, clits, dickshafts, where ever. I love it all. I’d laugh to go up someone’s widdler. Or a big fat nuno.

Coley: that’s a new word - what’s a nuno?

Moth: I think I can guess.

Mills: (to Colley; in his face.) Cunt.

Colley: So I’ve been told. I like cunt.

Mills: You’re fucking so cheeky!

Moth: Did you order?

Tabby: I’m bored.

Moth: I know you’re falling asleep on me.

Tabby: Take me home.

Moth: I’m not going home.

Kascano: You okay baby?

Moth: Mills, you were going to ask me something - before you asked my name?

Mills: When?

Moth: A minute ago?

Mills: Oh, I can’t remember now, man. Feels like ages ago. Er.. I think it was about drugs. Do you know any good vendors?

Moth: Well, I know Toddy’s good. He gets stuff regularly.

Colley: I can get better stuff than Toddy.

Mills: I’m starting to like you now - tell me?

Colley: It’s from Malden.

Moth: No way! Malden’s a source! I love this world.

Colley: Malden’s cool. You should dig Mal.

Kascano: it’s been around the block.

Colley: Yeah, a lot of people have.

Tabby: I’m Tabby from the block!

Moth: I thought you were bored?

Tabby: Nope - you talkin’ about drugs now, yeah? YEAH!

Colley: Yeah - Tabs loves her drugs, especially hybrid drugs. We really like our mixers! Don’t we Tabs!

Tabby does a girly giggle, while Kascano slides his hand down her top; he cops a feel. Mills looks wasted, staring into space.

Moth: I noticed. I can mix, if the price is right.

Colley: Sounds like a party’s forming!

Mills: I got work in two hours - where these fuckin’ drinks?

Colley: They're cocktails.

Kascano: What they doing? The throwing-thing?

Colley: I dunno.

Moth: Throwing up more like. Those bar guys were hammering it.

Colley: It's cool; they let me try this cocktail for free. I was their test dummy! I didn’t mind! Yeah, shit, what was it called? Yeah, I done this cocktail called Puke, and it was-

Mills: (to Moth.) Your place big?

Colley: Well, it was well -

Moth: Huge.

Colley: Yeah?

Kascano: I BET YO' COCK’S HUGE!

Moth: Well, yeah. I can afford the works now. I bought my own cock - fuck hiring!

Tabby: You’ve got a big dick? Of course you have ! You’re loaded!

Moth: Look, I don’t flash it about - I’m not really-

Kascano: I would - I’d wear it down the bar, I’d be whacking ladies with it, maybe a few blokes.

Moth: It’s very sensitive, too sensitive sometimes; but with enough lubrication you can-

The drinks arrive; a Waiter brings the drinks. Mills glares at the Waiter.

Mills: Yeah, ‘bout time. All these years pass and all the technology and all we get is table-phone, so we don’t need to go up to the bar. It’s easier to pay. we want a faster fuckin’ service. The first robot that does you’re fucking job, I’m gonna tip it.

Waiter: Thanks sir.

The Waiter puppet is activated by Colley, looking high. Mills put his card into the phone at the time. It beeps.

Mills: Fuckers.

Kascano: Chill, man, chill.

Tabby: Let’s get some drugs.

Colley: I’ll sort it and can meet you round Moth’s in an hour or so?

Moth: Yeah, I’ll guard you’re cocktail;

Colley: Have it, mate. I owe you for the beer. See you later.

Colley exits.

Tabby: Shall we get a Shute to yours or do you want to get a perso-cab?

Moth: We’ll Shute it. The Shute is on my route, as it’s eaier. Plus it’s free.

Tabby: But you get everyone in peroscabs! I want to watch a movie! They do new releases - even movies specially made for persocabs!

Moth: Well, that’s great; but I’m not paying for that.

Kascano: The seats are comfortable.

Moth: I may be better off - but I’m not stupid. The shite’s automated and -

Kascano: Man, live a little. The Shute’s slow.

Moth: Well, can’t we…you know?

Tabby: No, fuck jabbering shite! I wanna get wasted and check out your gaff.

Mills: (throwing the powdered pint over him, and does a Batman vodka shot caplet.) I better go; Temple wants to see me.

Kascano: I’ll save you some.

Mills (taking his card out of the phone.) I’ll see you soon.

Kascano: You take care - the streets are rough.

Mills Fuck you; Temple’ll be getting me stacking shelves.

Mills wipes his mouth with a napkin and exits, sucking a THC-lolly.

Moth: I could’ve made him a coffee at mine.

Kascano: That’s cool; he’s a playmo - he’ll be fine. Nothing ever happens anyway.

Tabby: I’M GETTING BORED. beep-beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep, bloooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooopies.

Moth: (calling to the waiter, at the bar.) Bar-dude! Can we a have another bottle of Chamwig to go?

Waiter: (Colley does his voice.) Yeah, it’s on the house, Mister Moth. The manager wants to thank you for publicising this restaurant; people like to eat where rich people go and important-

Moth: I was just lucky-

Waiter: But you bring publicity, and word of mouth. Thanks on behalf of everyone here. This is for you! (Hands Moth a huge bottle of champagne; Waiter activates a control for canned bar applaud, as if he's won the World Cup.) Cheers.

Kascano: Now that has to be the same size as his cock!

Tabby laughs loudly, an annoying laugh, which could pierce any other sound. Everyone stops applauding and retches, coughs. we're drowned out by the sound.

Slip-scene…Another 1.
A spacecraft. Mess hall; it is quiet, slightly smoky, but quite morose Terw and Refto are eating.

Terw: Look, Refto, you’re a prick right? But you know the deal? We’ll we ‘re going to be shocked., the end is nigh. You know that.

Refto: Look, Terw we’re fine! We’re just cruising. Cruising in space. We’re not lost. We’re almost at that Colony Forty-Six. What can go wrong?

Terw: You shouldn’t’ve said that, cos you now know something will go wrong.

Refto: Fuck that shit; it’s all good. the foods shit; the holo-deck is out of order. The ship is falling part.

Terw: Will you keep quiet; the other drones are listening.

Refto: I don’t trust Hagen either.

Terw: We have to if we’re to get out of here.

Refto: I’m staying; I’m doing a runner when we get to the colony.

Terw: Look, I’m coming with you, but I just want you to know: I think this ship is haunted. I was in the holo-deck, before it all fucked up and it was really freaking me out. Some programme just activated itself while I was creating my own film. The bastards must have done something.

Refto: You sure it’s not the drugs?

Terw: Don’t blame the food. I can’t help it if things are getting funny.

Refto: Look, I think you should tell Hagen. What was the programme about?

Terw: This is going to sound funny, but it was about a couple who left earth and wanted to start a new life, but they were having problems conceiving. She had no womb and he had four sperm cells.

Refto: I see.

Terw: Well, she thought she had a daughter called Tinnie. But she then remembered that it was a doll she had when she was a kid. So the guy was all funny and all that.

Refto bursts out laughing, bleeding, dying again.

Terw: Man , it could be-

Refto: It’s a joke deck. It’s a programme that kicks in to scare the user. Kids do them all the time.

Terw: There are no kids.

Refto: Look, umm, I dunno your name, pea-brain; we’re friends, but try not to take this too seriously. Take some chemicals and gets some sleep. I’m going to search for Hagen, so I can fuck her. Hopefully, she’ll be masturbating again.

Terw: Give her a minute, she’s just got out of the shower!

Refto: I don’t want to fall out with you, but I will. I will compete with you, in the name of humanity, and you’ll lose. I know you won’t compete.

Terw: I won’t com-

Refto: See. Watch your back and don’t trust Hagen. If you tell her about this she’ll tell Relton. You’ll be locked up - labelled unstable.

Terw: I know what I saw. It fucked me up a bit to be honest.

Refto: Well, that’s your problem, isn’t it?

Terw: Suppose.(Smiles.) I like problems, I use to be good at Sudoku.

Refto: If you see Hagen tell her to find me and I’ll fuck her. (Beat.) Sorry, mate, are you two an item?

Terw: I fuck her, but I think that’s as far as it goes - no soul-weavings, not that messy.

Refto: Oh. Right. Good. Just checking, you see. Didn’t want to fuck you off. Get it? Hey, we’re still mates aren’t we?

Terw: Yeah, of course. Mates forever.

Refto: Good. (Pause.) I better be going. I have to use the toilet. I will be around, if you want to get spaced. Get it? No, I’ll stop now. I’m trying to break the ice, again. Make us all jokey like before.

Terw: Well, yeah, I can see that. But it won’t work. You know that don’t you?

Refto: I know.

Terw: But I want to keep it mutual - suck me off, or a wank comp? At least you were honest with me and didn’t back-stab me. You’ll always be my cum-muffin.

They shake hands and Terw kisses Refto, they hug. Hagen enters. She watches intrigued, and then laughs. Terw and Refto look embarrassed, but remain calm.

Terw: (to Hagen.) So what? We were hugging? Can’t a man hug his mates?

Hagen: Yeah, I liked it. I was just about to…You want to see what we have recovered though? You’ll never guess what.

Refto: An old satellite?

Terw: Fuck knows -just say it!

Hagen: Okay. We’ve found an old craft heading to Colony Forty-Six. The scan said no life forms, but when we opened it their were two in there. A man and a woman. They were sort of still alive. They are living, but really dead. Funny, right?

Terw: What in a deadlifey kind of way?

Hagen: No, this has nothing to do with science, it’s serious. (Terw looks confused.) It was weird because they were androids, but they looked like humans.

Refto: Yes, I know: I’ve read this and seen the simulation in the holo-deck.

Hagen: No, you don’t understand. It was different. They had been eaten by something, as if they were human once and then turned slowly into living death machines. It was strange; there was something human about them. We have them in the medi-deck. They look freakish; still moving, but nothing’s there. You know? Like ghosts.

Terw: No, we’re going to have to see.

Hagen: No! Stop! The real purpose of my trip to see you was to tell you that my daddy wants to see you. He knows you’re both fucking me, but he wants to assign you to new duties. Okay, I’ll let you boys play; I’m going to get spaced. I got some brilliant yen pox apples. They were really popular on a Venus colony about two cycles ago. I picked a load up, because you know how productive terra-formers are. No, they gave me some cut price, saying the real opium is not as good as synth-opium-trip-shit; as this stuff was artificially cultivated - you hear all that bullshit? - but this shit was also made with modified starches, so it's kinda healthyish. They turned this into apples and effectively found out that they could make synth-opium-apples; fucking trippy. This was due to the apple shortage. They decided -

Terw: Hagen: please stop chatting shit; you’re doing my head in! SHUT IT TART-FART!

Hagen: (smiles.) Well, fuck you too. You can kiss my granny’s crusty fanny, you scummy piece of shit.

Terw: I’m sorry, but you’re a fucking twat at times. We don’t care about what you’re doing. You’re always on about you. YOU! YOU! YOU! WHAT ABOUT ME! ME! ME! Is that who you love?

Hagen: Oh, so I’m a hollow bitch now?

Refto: I don’t know what he’s up to Hagen, he obviously doesn’t trust you.

Hagen: I think you’re right Refto. At least you’ re loyal; you were my favourite, anyway.

Terw: Well, I’m off to see the twat in charge.

Hagen: Go on, you bogey-fucker - I know you‘ll fiddle with those death machines - you‘re sick, Terw. (Terw laughs, so does Refto. Terw starts to film then, he‘s pressed a button on his pad and he‘s now invisible even though they bump into him, it‘s as if they just ignore him.) Refto: I’ll see you later. Meet me at the spa deck for stasis rubdown

Refto: Sure babe. Sorry about him. He’s got a problem, as you can see, with authority. Maybe he needs more time.

Hagen: I’ll get daddy to get him to see the doctor; he’s probably feeling depressed due to space travel, but he’ll be okay. I think he should have more drugs, especially if he wants to get on with people and have self-control. Does he eat replicant-food?

Refto: Not the food we have. He’s got other stuff. He says he grew it. But where? Is he doing something dangerous? He does like his moulds and fungi.

Hagen: I’ll get my dad to monitor him. He could be unstable. He is part of a dangerous class anyway, with his background and all that.

Refto: Yeah, I know about his background. He’s bored me with his hardships. You get to a certain stage and just don’t want to hear about hardships anymore do you?

Hagen: I agree. You’ve made me horny now - let’s have a quickie. Right here, right now.

Refto: Okay.

Refto starts to clothes-fuck Hagen. She stops him.

Hagen: (angry.) No, don’t clothes fuck me. I don’t have periods, so you don’t need to clothes fuck me. I like people watching me; I thought you liked it too?

Refto: Er, yeah okay.

Hagen: Strip me off or do I have to get intergalactic with you?

Hagen rips open Refto’s suit and chews off his tube penis, taking a huge chomp out of it.

Mor-ones
A spacecraft. Relton’s office. Relton is clothes-fucking Doldo. They’re going at it rapidly, both in spandex undergarments that only reveal the backsides (and the fronts.) Relton comes ridiculously quickly. They get their breath back; a silence. Then Terw walks through the portal door. He stares, then walks out again, as Relton sees him and panics; in his attempt to return to normality his cyberpenis comes off. It is stuck up Doldo’s backside. Doldo, not realising, takes an old poster of Earth handed to him by mechanic hands and wraps it round himself. Relton composes himself.

Relton: Yes! What is it?

Terw enters through the portal.

Terw: Ensign Refto and myself, Lieutenant Terw. Reporting for new orders.

Relton: Oh, I suppose you think it’s funny to interrupt my meetings? Have you completed your other tasks?

Terw: Yes. About two years ago. Just muddling on, while everything else falls apart.

Relton: That’s not a criticism of my command is it?

Terw: I suppose - but nothing will change will it?

Relton: You're right. I take it the holo-deck has subdued you. I know it can do that. You lose a grip on reality, don’t you?

Terw: I suppose. (Looks at Relton appear with no penis.) Yeah, I suppose it does.

Relton: You see, we had to adulterate the food for obvious reasons. We needed to get off Earth because everything was fucked; but we also had produced too much fake food. We were killing ourselves. But we had real food, but it didn’t became real in space climes, if you understand. So what happened was we tried to make the food more durable, but that didn’t work. We had failed tests; we couldn’t maintain the costs. So we decided to just make substitutes to be on the safe side. It’s not my fault,. But we’ve killed all the scientists now. We’ll never listen to market forces again, but we are now on our own. I like Terw. I know you and Refto fuck Hagen. She tells me about it - I see it all for official purposes of course. I would eventually like a go myself. At Hagen that is.

Terw: She’s your daughter, isn‘t she?

Relton: You hearing things? What did you think I said?

Terw: You wanted to have a go - like a sexual 'go' with your daughter.

Relton: I didn’t say that! No way! Did I ,Doldo?

Doldo: No, sir, no. Negative. I’m positive about that negative.

Relton: See, Doldo’s positive about being negative, so he must be reliable.

Terw: I guess. I’ve had a long day, so it’s therapeutic decay now!

Relton: Are any of the crew displaying these symptoms?

Terw: What symptoms?

Relton: Well, whatever it is you’ve got!

Terw: I’m tired. I’m sorry. Sir.

Relton: No need to get all defiant. You really do have an attitude problem. You’re going to have a hard time here.

Terw: Look, can you just give me the orders; I will do them then get wasted. You just get me out of here GET ME OUT OF HERE!

Relton: (to Doldo.) That’s what I’m starting to think; get my gun. A stubborn one, Doldo! I know you like to shoot off.

Doldo goes to get a gun from a compartment ion the wall. He types in an access code and takes out a gun, then types a code into the gun, making beeping noises Terw suddenly goes berserk; Doldo drops the gun. .

Terw: WHY DO YOU HAVE NO PENIS? WHY THAT IS NOT A FUNNY JOKE? I‘M NOT LAUGHING! WHY DO EAT AWAY AT ME? ARE YOU TRYING TO FUCK ME UP? ARE YOU? ARE YOU? YOU FUCKERS!

Pause. Relton feels himself; realizes his penis is missing. He screams, as does Doldo, who tries to reach for the gun, it’s heating up, and is burning his hand.

Relton: Search for my penis! Fuck the gun! You had it last! Don’t let him see it! This is most subordinate, Doldo! You’ll be demoted! Oh, you don’t care do you! It doesn’t work no more - just find the cock.

Terw looks on the verge of collapse. Terw takes some pills off Relton’s desk and drinks powdered water.

Relton: Look, Doldo, this is serious. I need that thing…

Terw: So what does this make us? How long have you known?

Relton: You know abut the dead-alive fake people? (Terw shrugs, one side of his body goes limp, as if he can‘t control it no longer.) Yes, we were shocked; thought they were dead humans, but they were not. they were even real. They were cloned bio-cybs. Very sophisticated. They were a sign, but we ignored it. Colony Forty-Six has problem. We don’t know if we can cope. But we need to go somewhere and Colony Forty-Six is as far as we’ve gone.

Terw: You’re selling us a dream, aren’t you? Playing fucking God! I hate that old fucking thing! Why does someone always want to be God? What do they want to do when someone else is God?

Relton: Yes, well, maybe their won’t be too many gods. One God has created enough problems, but I have to sell a utopia, considering their is nothing else on earth to hope for.

Terw: Well, it’s not utopia; utopia never existed.

Relton: Well, it might‘ve somewhere, I dunno…fuck it. We’re travelling blind. You’re clever and argumentative for a menial core worker. You’re going to do a boring job; one that will bludgeon your brain to accept this reality. Hopefully. You can still hope, but I run the show, we’ll all decay together, okay? So no counter-revolutionary ideas form you.

Terw: I don’t care about what you sell over the counter, it’s just that you forget the fact that you’ve messed us up. We don’t know what we are now; what have you made us? Are we all you’re experiments?

Doldo punches Terw weakly, Terw laughs. Relton restrains Terw from reacting.

Relton: Look, just calm down. You’re working in cargo storage. Monitor it.

Doldo: Yeah, from some aliens. You love them, don’t you, spaceboy?

Terw: look, Dildo, you have issues, but just keep your brain cell out of conversation. You’re such a Mawter! I’M MUTATING IN MY FUCKING SLEEP!

Relton: What is that from? Mawter? That’s my favourite holo-prog!

Terw: I needed to get some action.

Doldo: (to Relton) He’s flipped? He’s quoting his imaginary film! This reality is not in our jurisdiction.

Relton: Shut up and find this dick - you dick!

Doldo(laughing; Terw does not find it funny, reaches for the gun, it does not burn him, he takes it.) Oh, very funny! I get it…I think I do…yep…umm…I’m not -

Terw sits down while Relton and Doldo search for Relton’s penis. Doldo turns around and bends over to stick the penis into Terw’s face. Terw sees the penis jammed intoDoldo’s anus. Terw screams, shooting it with the gun, as he thinks it‘s some sort of alien. Relton and Doldo turn around simultaneously . There is a pause as we hear the laser blast pinging around off the cosmically protected penis.

Relton: What? We’re under attack - who fired the blast?

Doldo: (whispering to Relton) Let him go…for now, he can be seized later when he’s on duty.

Relton: You’ve saved my arse! Thanks, Doldo. (To Terw.) get off then, you.

Terw: I heard that you were going to arrest me later. Why not now?

All stare at the gun. Beat. Then stare back at each other.

Relton: Let’s settle this peacefully. You didn’t see anything? Good? Good.

Terw: Yeah, whatever. I’ll see you.

Doldo: Where is Refto as well?

Terw: I think he’s fucking the Hagen sample - again. You should know this, she’s your daughter?

Relton: Why yeah, okay. Keep on going as normal. Later on, Terw. You’ll have a fine future on this ship. If you survive, of course. I keep dreaming I’m on Earth helping someone called Derek.Weird or what? But then I remember: it’s that episode of Quantum fuckin’ Leap - it’s in here. HERE, HERE! RIGHT IN THERE!

Terw exits, pointing the gun around him as if he’s being tracked by invisible aliens, as Relton and Doldo laugh.

Relton: That showed him, eh? I can do crazy too. His wasn’t very good. I think I’ll sleep for a while, and dream of Derek as a woman. It turns me on.

Doldo gets annoyed and storms out, jealous, crying completely over-the- top. Relton smirks, dozing off.

Scene X Moth’s apartment.
Day. Moth enters in lycra; wires are strapped to him and he is covered in candle wax. The lounge is basically his kitchen, bedroom and dining room all rolled into one.
Kascano emerges from under pile of clothes, in lycra and a wig. He has wires too.
Tabby enter, wearing a bath robe. She carries a bag of vomit.

Tabby: (to Moth.) I got it in the bag.

Moth: Oh.

Tabby: Lucky huh?

Moth: Huh?

Kascano: Shit - I’m late. Why didn’t you wake me?

Moth: When do you start?

Kascano: Half an hour! Fuck, fuck fuck! What happened last night.

Tabby: I don’t know - did Colley stay?

Moth: Not for long; just a quick tia-coke mixer.

Tabby: I do like Colley; he’s a good-

Kascano: Moth! Where are my clothes?

Tabby: You gave them to charity as a dare!

Kascano: Oh, shit. what the…I could buy em back.

Moth: If you liked them, do that. But you can borrow one of my suits.

Kascano: Really?

Moth: Yeah, just go through the hall, pass the bathroom, and there’s a hidden attic. The clothes are down there, with other junk.

Kascano: Cheers mate. Thanks.

Kascano exits, looking embarrassed.

Tabby: For a cop, he’s okay.

Moth: Yeah, he was good.

Tabby: So was that shit Colley gave us. Real punchy, like that. Wiped my mind.

Moth: Yeah, it was cool, I dunno. I never know. Toddy’s stuff is pretty shite compared to it; but Toddy’s always conning people. So it’s probably crap. He’s just a prick.

Tabby: I think I fucked a Todd - but not a Toddy.

Moth: This guy - I use to work with this guy and he was a complete bitch to me. He's taking the pain out on Colley. I feel sorry for that kid. I mean, I’m younger than toddy and I was doing penis permits for over ten years. Toddy was there before me and he hated it when I won. He knew I’d give him fuck all. Still rips me off on drugs, but Colley’s all right.

Tabby: You’re protective of Colley aren’t you?

Moth: Yeah, I guess I am.

Tabby: You like him?

Moth: Yeah. Yeah I think I do. But everyone fucks around, don’t they?

Tabby: Did you know I’m Colley’s wife?

Moth: I didn’t know, nope.

Tabby: Well, it works. Keeps things cool.

Moth: Yeah, I guess it would.

Pause.

Tabby: Can I …

Moth: I’ll put my juice-buster on when Cop-boy's gone.

Tabby: I didn’t know he was trying to find a killer.

Moth: Who Colley?

Tabby: No, Kascano. The cop-stud.

Moth: Er, oh, yeah.

Tabby: That’s it, pretend to remember!

Moth: No, I never…okay I can’t-

Tabby: I know, don’t worry.

Kascano enters in one of Moth’s polythene suits.

Kascano: Cheers moth - could you call a persocab for me, by the time I get down to ground floor?

Moth: Sure, no probs.

Kascano: Take care - thanks again Moth. Take care all - see you soon.

Kascano exits.

Moth: (picks up a watch on the side; into watch.) Hey, morning Jay, can you get Mr Kascano a persocab please - he needs it urgently...Cheers...Yeah, send up some breakfast. (The watch beeps.) Cool, huh?

Tabby: Good service.

Moth: That’s what I pay rent for.

Pause. Tabby then kisses moth.

Moth: I have to speak with Colley.

Scene 3.6
Hagen runs frantically through a dimly lit corridor on the space craft, just going round in circles, wearing a tutu and a kimono. It is claustrophobic and we see smoke. Hagen looks sacred. She screams; her clothes dirtied. She carries no weapon and looks sacred, as we hear a rumble and the lights flicker out. We see her squat on the floor and urinate; the lights come back, full on, as she urinates, the sound of piss deafening. We hear Relton laughing.

Malden’s apartment.
Day. It is in a similar state to Moth’s but Malden and Colley are psi-fucking; they have wires placed on their genitals and they convulse rapidly, as if they’re having absence seizures; tubes go up their butts. Malden cums, yelling. Colley laughs, mainly to himself. They hug.

Malden:(cleaning a wire, placing a microchip on its forehead with glue.) Thanks for coming back to me.

Colley: (sniffing the glue.) Look, I like you. A lot.

Malden: Don’t start. Not now. Let’s go to work. We better call this a business meeting.

Colley: The focus group's tomorrow.

Malden: Yeah, but I’m your boss and I have to pretend to care. I’m…when was the focus group?

Colley: Tomorrow, erm, I’m not sure on the time.

Malden: Well, you’re fired then, aren’t you?

Colley: Whoopee-woo-woo-weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Malden: Oh, so you think that I’m joking.

Colley: Shit! I must know you too well now!

Malden: You do. I better go in. You can have the day free, if you want.

Colley: No, it’s cool. I’ll come in; it’s nothing.

Malden: Cool. Look, I think it’s cool, you know, that you-

Colley’s watch beeps.

Colley: Sorry. (Answers watch by clicking button.) Hello...Oh, Toddy. Hi…Yeah, it’s early…No, I’m at home…yeah, yeah…oh. Well, I can meet you…I’m coming in later - I took flexi-time…Yeah, yeah, cool. I can help you…no, I’m out…Uh, well, if you…I mean, I…Oh, well, yeah, I think we could be…Yeah, bye - see you in ten…Okay, bye, mate. (The watch beeps off.) That was-

Malden: Toddy! What the fuck?

Colley: I’m shocked; he sounded fucked. He must be still high from the night before, must be. He probably forgot how to de-waste himself. He wants me and him to ‘do’ lunch.

Malden: If he comes on to you tell me and I’ll fire him.

Colley: I could make something up, couldn’t I?

Malden: I was hoping you would.

Colley: No, no…I don’t really know him.

Malden: He’s a dick.

Colley: I know. I better go to meet him.

Malden: What the fuck? You’re on some weird shit; get your head, oh, you’re so funny. You religious?

Colley: Not to my knowledge; I think it’s natural to help-

Malden: Oh, fuck off. I’ll see you in a bit.

Malden exits. Colley changes, looking stunned.

Scene 6.7
A spacecraft, cargo bay. Terw patrols. He has a torch and we hear the dripping of old pipes. It is quite dank in the cargo bay and their are a few eerie noises that make him turn. The torch goes out and Terw switches on the lights. He lights a smoke, then takes some pills, drinks some powder, wincing. Terw has a bag. In it is a plant. He eats one of the leaves.

Newly Recycled Cardboard Office.
Day. The desks have been stacked up and the chairs are stacked up. Workers are sitting on the floor, like children, looking bored, their heads bowed.
Malden sits in the middle. There is an eerie silence as we hear Malden typing on a calculator sized computer, looking bored. Malden takes a pill and sips her coffee.

Malden: so that’s the end of the meeting, huh? (Pause.) Anymore comments? (Longer pause.) Okay, fuck it. You don’t care; yeah? Right.

Colley and Toddy enter, looking flushed.

Toddy: Sorry, Mal, for being late.

Malden: You didn’t miss much.

Colley: Could you recap?

Malden: That would be wasting time.

Colley: Surely debating about it is wasting time!

Malden: Well, stop wasting my time then.

Colley: Yeah, sure, Mal.

Malden: Any ideas? We’ve got to sort this image problem. We’re being made to look like wasters - we’re not. We’re needed.

Colley: Okay. I have one plan: environmental pen-pushers go green. If we have more plants and plant trees, around the community, then people will think we’ve got dual purposes.

Malden: Umm, yeah, that’s cool. I think the GA will like that.

Colley: Do you like it?

Malden: I like it, yeah. I better watch it or you’ll be the boss - or the resident agony aunt.

Toddy: What’s that suppose to mean?

Malden: It was a joke; it could mean anything you like.

Toddy: I didn’t find it funny.

Malden: You’re a dick.

Pause.

Toddy: That’s what you think of me, huh?

Malden: I’m under pressure - you’re under no fucking pressure - I have to make this image, make-over thing look cool. The public don’t buy it, we’re out. They’ll get computers to-

Toddy: (pushing Colley, but speaking to Malden. Colley laughs.) I HAVE GOT FUCKIN’ PROBLEMS YOU FUCKER! YOU THING! I’M ON THE FUCKIN’ EDGE HERE!

Malden: What the fuck?

Colley: Toddy, chill man! He’s a joke.

Toddy: STOP TELLING ME TO FUCKIN’ CHILL - THAT’S ALL YOU EVER SAY TO ME!

Colley: Oh, fuck you then - fuck you!

Kascano enters, looking worn out, and annoyed. He carries a gun.

Kascano: Sorry to interrupt but I have to speak with Toddy Hudenberg.

Toddy: NO! NO! NO!

Kascano: Come with me, come quietly, Toddy.

Toddy: Look, I didn’t mean to fuck up his permit and I didn’t mean to do yours too - honest it was an easy mistake, I’m really sorry.

Kascano: Mine wasn’t fucked up - YOU FUCKED MILLS OVER THOUGH, YOU SICK PIECE O’ -

Toddy: My supply was low and I had to mix…it was domestic - I didn’t know he had allergies, I really didn’t…I was gonna sort it. I-I-I, er, yeah, hah! I’m hoping you’ll see this as, a mistake. Yeah?

Kascano: Mills, man, my fuckin’ partner. We got kids man, we got fuckin’ kids. You piece of shit.

Kascano smacks Toddy with the butt of the gun. Toddy falls easily, whimpering. He crawls along the ground trying to support himself. No-one helps him; all look on staring at him.

Malden: He sold you bad stuff?

Toddy: No!

Kascano: He sold Mills something, while Mills tried to get him off for diddling his cock hire at Bob’s penis bank. The fucker gave Mills, as a bribe, some drug. Fuckin’ poison!

Toddy: No, I thought that was the name of the drug, I thought it was not, you know, but-

Kascano kicks Toddy, who shuts up, almost passing out.

Kascano: Mills was me; we’ve been together forever…I mean, at school, through the core, then we’d fuck each other if we’d got bored; and then we’d fuck other people together. It was fun; we’d always be happy, always.

Malden: I’m sorry to hear about it.

Toddy: (dazed, wipes blood from his nose and mouth.) look, people, it was wrong, but he was a cop taking-

Colley: Man, just shut up.

Toddy: No, no, I won’t because I thought I’d got away and I’m sorry - I didn’t mean to…you know what.. to him. and I was thinking of fucking him but my arse has a rash, so I thought oh no, maybe another time. But Bob and me…we go back…even when Moth was here and … Can do things.. make things up and I promised to get him a permit and you, yeah, I was gonna get you one done , really soon, Toby.

Kascano: Fuck you.

Toddy: At least it keeps the fuckin’ population down, and we can, start again. I’ll give my sperm free of charge, you can have a baby- I’ll buy it, yeah?

Pause.

Kascano: Anyone wanna go?

Toddy: B-b-but, I-I-, you’re a fuckin’ - no, no! That sort of corruption doesn’t happen anymore, we should get fuckin’ robocops then! I mean, you can’t do…no...please!

Malden: Can I shut this scum up?

Kascano: That’s fine.

Malden kicks Toddy, then continues to boot him. The other office workers look amazed and all smiles, looking more jovial. They bundle on top of Toddy. Colley wipes his brow and looks on, laughing.

PHASEY: Explaining The Unexplained:[This issue is at a special introductory price!]

Spacecraft messy apartment.
Spacecraft turns to this messy apartment: Guinow has given birth. She holds a baby. Valance kisses her, but works on a pod with a plastic fork, wiping sweat from his brow. The pod stands upright in the middle of the apartment. The pod has not moved since the start. Guinow kisses the baby, feeding it powder.

Valance: I wouldn’t coochie-coo that thing too much!

Guinow: (doesn’t notice all the blood.) But it’s our first thing we’ve successfully developed in space. And don’t call our Tina a thing! Our little Tinnie! Tinnie, you’re so cute.

Valance: Okay, sorry, my dear. It was a feeble joke. But no, it really is a thing: it’s a piece of rehydratd space mould. A prototype to fool the insurers. (Guinow knocks the mould baby's head off by mistake. She tries to fix it but it‘s busted.) The real baby - our Tinnie - is in here. She’ll be the first Hagen to experience krytopgenic cryogenic freezing and the bliss of eternal thought incubation - as long as she is preserved in here.

Guinow: Don’t preserve her just yet; she has just been born.

Valance: There is no later - you know how expensive these animals are. Children are rarities these days and I have a few sperm left in me; I might as well use them.

Guinow: (bleeding, soaked in blood) Actually you only have two more. The other two had disorders. We destroyed them, as we could not repair them.

Valance: (playing with peeling flesh, rolling it into doughy balls, eating it.) Look, this experiment will help Tina, our child, live in a better world. A better future. Look, I hate the schmaltzy family shit, that corny line which curls my toes as we know is not true, but hopefully they’ll laugh at why we have had to leave earth We have gave her this subway to Venus; any world she wants. We are futurists Guinow. We have to practice what we preach. If we were capitalists we would still be breathing in the air.

Guinow: I love you…who are you again?.

Valance: I love you too, Guinow.

Guinow: I know it’s for the best...for their fu...

They are both dying as we hear the spacecraft burn through the atmosphere, the sound of the burning gets louder.

Scene 3.2
Psi-Park.
Afternoon. A small spot of artificial grass in a park called Museum park.
Malden stands with Colley and few other office workers; Malden is about to plant a tree, which is still a sapling. The sapling , however, looks plastic. Colley passes a smoke between the other workers ,each one taking a pull and passing it on. Malden gets it and takes an extra pull, before extinguishing it in the freshly dug potting. It smokes still. All look lethargic. Colley hands Malden a child’s beach spade, as Malden kneels to dig some more. Before Malden digs further, Temple enters.

Malden: Sir!.

Temple: I see no Press scum turned up?

Colley: We’re still waiting - they’re only half an hour late.

Temple: The press are never late. Did you realise that Toby Kascano has been arrested. I’m not going to repeat how Mr Hudenberg looks.

Malden: Well, police brutality never ceases to-

Temple: Cut the bull, he’s implicating you. What sort of dream you people living? The whole department just flipping like that! Well, my security are watching this meeting; there are armed guards, part of G.A security company. We’re not going to make a scene, but you lot are all under arrest. The skivers are already being chased down.

Malden: But-

Temple: I’m sorry, Malden, I liked the strategy, I think we could still run with the way things are, but you lot are gonna be doing this duty from a penal colony.

Colley: Look, I think-

Temple: You’re saved kid, someone called Moth’s paying your legal fees - they’ve found genetic evidence that you didn’t touch Toddy.

Malden: No, he didn’t. (Colley look stunned, protesting.) He didn’t do nothing.

Temple: Colley, you’re lucky. You’re free. It’s a shame, as I have to inform you that I’m gonna hafta take your resignation, as the department will be getting economically evaluated. You can go. I’m not letting my son go down for-

Malden: Your son?

Temple: Yes, Temple is just my professional codename; we're all nepotists, Malden, my son is Toddy Hudenberg. My real name is-

Malden: Don’t. This is getting worse. (Beat.) How’s Kascano?

Temple: On suicide watch; the other cops are just going over him now with a good one.

Colley: What about Mills?

Temple: What about Mills? He was a corrupt cop?

Colley: But -

Temple: But what? He was a nice guy? So what? He’s a fuck-head who was using the enforcement industry to get ahead of himself. I have my uses for him now.

Malden: Can we all have a moment alone please, sir?

Temple: My private cops are all around so don’t try any funny stuff; I’ll be in my cab. Sweet dreams. (Shakes Colley’s hand.) Well done, you lucky boy!

Temple exits, lighting a smoke. Pause.

Malden: Well, you’re lucky. You deserve it. You take care.

Colley: I’ll still be here on earth, it’s home: I'll wait -

Malden: I don’t know if I’ll see you again.

Colley: I hope to see you all again.

They all group hug. Malden is in tears, in a rage snaps the plastic sapling, then smashing it with the crappy kids spade. This causes the kids spade to break, shattering, sending shards of plastic in all directions. We hear temple laughing from off stage. Colley hugs Malden.

Colley: Don’t worry people, we all know that dick needed a beating; just to keep morale up. You keep together and I’ll send you tapes; I really will. I’ll try and visit - who knows I may fin the money! You take it easy people.

Police officers enter, leading Colley away, slowly prizing him out Malden’s grip. We hear the workers scream, amidst panic.

Colley: Man, those people have families! They’re depended on! I mean, seriously! YOU CAN’T DO THIS WE NEED THOSE PEOPLE! NO, YOU REALLY-

Colley is dragged away.

Scene 56

Colley’s homage-yuppie-cupboard-flat.
Night. It has nothing in it, only a large TV, the size of wall dominates the apartment. Colley enters , looking drained. He throws his jacket on the floor, and presses a bottle hoping for fluid. He takes a series of pills, then slumps on the floor.

Colley: Computer - Marge?

Marge: (V.O) Hello, Colley. I am Marge.

Colley: Turn the TV on.

Marge: You have a new message- it is marked urgent and you must see this commtape.

Colley: Onscreen.

Marge: That command does not compute. Please enter correct word.

Colley: For fuck’s sake play!

Marge: Play activated.

The TV comes on and we see Moth and Tabby , joking around together with a micro-endo-cam, getting it working. Tabby then vanishes out of view, taking it from Moth’s grip. We see the wobbly effect, as it closes up on Moth. We see a huge image of Moth on the screen.

Moth: (on screen.) Hi there Colley, mate. (Beat.) Er, yeah, well, I’m here - that’s the moon. It’s crap you were right. But as you can guess, it’s being made a lot better for me by your wife. I mean, I never thought I’d fall for the gold-digger thing but I have. But not completely. I love you too. I leave with you half my wealth. I know you are a good man, and you’ll use it wise and you’ll help people. I know you will. And I know you hate me (Colley cries, drinking rapidly, and wiping tears.) but I do love you and I never meant to betray you - I’m a fool, a cop out. I had no ideas and I pretended to have them all. You can change that. You were lucky to get out of that Toddy situation. I couldn’t do anything for Malden and the others; their prints were all over him. But I got a good freelance team to help you and they found that you’d done nothing. Toddy confessed that you didn’t hurt him. He said he’d heard you crying. You were let off. I would have never lived with myself if I didn’t help you, I mean, I could have been in the same situation. But I would’ve whacked Toddy one. Right in the face. (Colley laughs.) I just want to let you know we’ll always be friends. I’ll send you another tape from colony twenty-three on Mars. I also hope that me taking off with your wife, won’t piss you off. I’m sorry for this betrayal, but we are friends and I suppose this is the greatest test of that friendship. Enough from me, boring you - go out and get hammered - and buy yourself a Juicebuster sixty-seven. Take care, love Moth.

Tabby: (off screen.) THAT'S SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUSHY, I WAS GONNA PUKE!

Moth smiles.

Moth:(on screen.) You wanna say something?

Tabby:(off screen; loudly.) Yeah, get a new cock in the sales!

We hear her annoying laugh as the transmission ends, leaving the screen all fuzzy.

Marge: End of service. Would you like another service? Reminder: you are now very rich. Well done. Please have a good life. Please select another service. Awaiting selection.

Colley: (composes himself, sniggering at marge’s dumb comments.) No thanks, Marge. (Takes the pot plant, near the side of the TV, and hugs it, tenderly.) I’ll be fine.

Colley then jumps onto the bean bag, kicking it way and holds the plant up in the air with pride, as if it were a trophy

Colley: (smugly; beaming.) I’m fuckin’ flukey! Well flukey!

The lights fade slowly, leaving the static, and the sound of ‘Arto’ by System of A Down blaring, as Colley celebrates, posing jubilantly, then starts crying shaking his head, trashing everything, completely destructive, hitting himself, laughs, then keeps hitting himself.

Colley: IT CAN’T HAPPEN TO ME, I’M THA FUCKIN’ CONSTANT LOSER - NO WAY! WAKE UP FUCKIN’ WAKEYWAKEYWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKKKKKEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!(Regains composure, then calmly.) Programme end.

Eternal Darkness.

COL46X by O'SULLIVAN and PETERSON 

"Our enemies skulk on every side, waiting for us to relax our vigilance. But we shall not give them the chance they seek to fall on and devour us. We shall stand firm, and our nation shall be purged of dross in the pure fire of self-sacrifice" John Brunner, 'Stand on Zanzibar', (1969;ed.1990, p.97)


Contents Instructions:

Lacey: he’s meant to be only fourteen, but looks older and needs a good seeing too as he's a cocky shit.

Bagoo: Lacey’s dad, who hates him, but strangely looks the same age as Lacey.

General Tunk: a guy who thinks he’s got ultimate power - but only from within his office.

Duvac: an uncontrollable power-tripper, who trains new recruits.

Shitball: formerly Pissball, now it’s Shitball.

Cackman: a Cackman, dealer to the cadets of his special home-made chocolate.

Choca: a mad hologram, induced by the over-consumption of Shitball’s chocolate, who wants out of Colony 46X.

Dr Tosst: claiming to be a doctor, he seems more interested in other experiments.

Fringle: the first female recruit and also a part-time therapist.

Troops: some are dodgy puppets, they're suckers, all in for the same thing.

Orderlies: also dodgy puppets - they get all the graft.

They all operate and do the voices of the puppets, some can be voiced over if you want. They have to be the worst cheapish looking puppets ever: Actors can also blur costumes and keep articles on/double up roles if desired; time kills and splurges anyway. N.B. Age, ethnicity and gender are completely remote in this play and are not important.

P.S. Thanks to HERB SKEW for letting us use Dr Tosst and General Tunk, both characters he created ages ago.


Scene 1
Tunk’s office. The office is destroyed. Tunk carries a pink gun and drinks from an empty bottle of whisky; he spanks himself with it. Explosions are heard as is the creaking of falling infrastructure. The office is made out of polystyrene. Fringle enters in torn clothes.

Fringle: Did a Dr Tosst ever work here?

Tunk: I dunno…I think I’m…Is this Lacey guy fit for service?

Fringle: He still has issues. He still thinks he’s on earth.

Tunk: We must stop confusing him and be more direct! Tell him the truth!

Fringle: I have!

Tunk: And?

Fringle: And what? He doesn’t know what the truth is. How original - lil’ cop out. I’ll kill him.

Tunk: I just need more troops, but I really need total control of all operations.

Fringle: Look, some are just not cut out for it. Lacey doesn’t seem to be cut out for anything. He takes solace in being an oddity - it’s the only sanity he knows. And I still think this Choca is not real. Don’t worry, General, I hope my Independent TV programme on this sort of stereotypical psychosis will get a lot of people interested and hopefully paranoid - so I can cure them. Of course, I won’t cure them all, some’ll commit suicide, but it will publicize my work and explain in more detail what the problems of the inter-galactic citizen are. Hopefully ratings will be high.

Tunk: There are twelve people left on the station - all administrative staff! We’re fucked! We've lost. Look at this place! The pirates think they have won, but wait until the rest of the United Forces get here! They’ll sort this out!

Fringle: Well, they are leaving us alone - they know we only have limited supplies left and will need them soon.

Tunk: I’m all right. The energy pods are safe; I’m fighting until the end.

Fringle: Well, as your therapist I must treat you until the end. Hopefully I can find another job once your dead.

Tunk: Cheers, Fringle.

Fringle: That’s all right - just being realistic!

There is the sound of a muffled explosion, then a huge rumble; gas filters through into the office. Tunk puts on a gas mask, Fringle picks up a gun and tries to kill herself, but a foam ball flies out of the gun. Tunk shakes his head, as Fringle chokes, but Tunk’s laughter goes out of control, as the gas subsides, almost feebly vanishing. Tunk gasps for breath, clasping at the air, then takes out a remote control: he points it at the audience, it suddenly goes from very intense white light to pitch black, very quickly, as if interference caused the disruption, or a brief power cut then surge, then back to white light.

Scene 2
Outside army HQ on Colony 46. Lacey enters, looking lost. He is confused by the sign saying: ‘ARMY HQ’. There is nothing else around. Lacey leans against the sign, which falls down. He struggles to put it back up, but it will not go back; it’s busted for good. Duvac enters (as printed in large letters on his army shirt); he rushes out and grabs Lacey.

Duvac: (angered.) Where have you been, Private? Where the fuck you been?

Lacey: I don’t know! I haven’t even joined the army yet?

Duvac: Slacker-scum! You call me Sir! You got that?

Lacey: Err...I suppose.

Duvac: It’s: 'Yes sir'! SIR! Sir!

Lacey: (does a curtsey.) Why thank you, Madame!

Duvac: Oh, you’re a cocky, one, eh? You lil’ vandal, huh? You like to suck dicks? You think you’re a writer?(Lacey looks really confused.) You think going to tell everyone how brutal this campaign is? You want to be Mr. Smug Liberal and look clever-clever? Well, get off the skag fucker! I’m the Sarge here and you’ll be a kill crazy soldier by the end of this? You got that? GOT IT FUCKS!

Lacey: So I have to go to war?

Duvac: You taking the piss?

Lacey: (looks at the audience, laughing.) Well, yeah! (Duvac feebly punches him; Lacey struggles for breath, but is smiling.) Do it again?

Duvac: (shocked.) Why? You think you’re smart! I know what you want!(Feebly punches his genitals.) Stay back, ladies!(And again, another weak punch.) STAY BACK! You want to get hurt so you don’t have to fight! Oh, I see. You young ‘un’s clever these days! Well, I’ll teach you the way; get you fightin’ on crutches if it kills me.

Lacey: I take it you hate me.

Duvac: You’re a slave, so shut up and get into uniform! GO! (Duvac tries to tear Lacey’s romper/space suit and bib off; Lacey screams and knees Duvac in the groin. Duvac goes down) You little, fucker! Oooooheeeeeerrrr.

Lacey: Er, sorry. I wasn’t trying to be individual, or liberal; I thought you wanted my arse. (Putting his arm around Duvac, helping him up, slowly.) I’ve heard stories about…I suppose I was fresh meat to you. Like your slave, eh? Slave 2U, all that Dadagaga stuff. It’s the rumours, you shouldn’t have said slave. Sorry. Comrade?

Lacey exits quickly, as Duvac slowly gets to his feet.

Scene 3
Tunk’s office. Duvac enters, still hurting; his penis has swollen up and his trousers are bursting open. He struggles to hold his trousers up, so he holds them with one hand. Tunk stares at Duvac’s giant penis and balloon-like testicles.

Tunk: What do you want?

Duvac: We have a problem; one of the recruits. He’s feisty. Might set a bad idea. Morale’s already at a low; let’s kick his butt.

Tunk: I suppose he’s fashionably anti-war: a hippie- hater but loves their drugs. Umm. Tough. Okay, I know what to do: put a psycho-grunt on his case, we’ll send him over-the-edge - or is it over-the-top? And all his efforts to create an insurrection will go down the shitter, and we’ll keep him in solitary. That’s civil. We’ll give him soggy biscuits, soak ‘em in piss - like in the Foreign Legion.

Duvac: (drooling menacingly.) Good one, sir.

Tunk: Don’t thank me; thank God. Did this recruit do that to your penis?

Duvac: Yes.

Tunk: Is he a clone?

Duvac: No. Not to my knowledge. Unmodified. (Licking his lips.) Pure.

Tunk: Pure breeds are rare in the army. He must be a slacker.

Duvac: He’s doing a degree.

Tunk: Just as I thought: secretly work-shy, but proud of his debts. He’ll never get a real job anyway; let’s make him the colony washer. He can get some free coffee.

Duvac: I think he’s more dangerous, sir! He’s got problems!

Tunk: Hasn’t everyone?

Duvac: Not to my knowledge, sir.

Tunk: Well, there you go then! You don’t know - nor do I! - but we can assume that was a ‘yes’.

Duvac: Okay, whatever.

Tunk: Good. We agree? Yes?

Duvac: Yes...YES SIR! I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to -

Tunk: This is what we have to stamp out: anyone who cares about other human beings. It is very unprofessional. You see Duvac -

Duvac: (imploring.) Please don’t lecture me, puh-lease!

Tunk: Look: just pretend to listen! You can do that can’t you?

Duvac:(unsure.) Well -

Tunk: As I was saying, Duvac, life itself must be economical; not in an abstract way, but as we are a colony the furthest away from earth’s influence, we must make decisions. If people get killed, so be it. We aren’t all the same and some of us deserve a better life than others, that’s perfectly natural. We must destroy it, all of it. Destroyyyyyy! DESSSSTROOOOOYYYYY! (Beat; smiles, drifting away; Duvac waves his hand past Tunk’s eyes; Duvac turns to the audience, baffled. Tunk’s in a trance, which he suddenly breaks, startling Duvac.) It will be destroyed on behalf of the United Inter-Galactic Forces!

Duvac: Was I meant to cheer, sir?

Tunk: Look, give this problem cadet a good beating and then assign him to the death-squad. If he’s still cocky - fuck him...up! I mean, cut off some limbs and stick him in the maintenance deck.

Duvac: Yes, sir!

Tunk: (pause.) Okay, you can go now. Get your penis seen to.

Duvac exits, smiling.

Scene 4
Barracks Lacey enters. Everything is weak. The beds are pieces of cardboard and they are hung upon strings. The Troops enter, we hear them marching on the spot, creating a pounding, war-like rhythm and a big beat. They stop and stand to attention; Lacey looks on nervously. Duvac enters, his penis and scrotum still inflated. Suddenly, a swollen testicle bursts. He screams. Duvac recovers and looks angrily at the Troops.

Duvac: (in pain.) You shitters! You know we have a war to fight! What war? I hear you say, but all those pirates at the other colony are illegal immigrants, ruining our future, your future, your children’s future! All those fuckin’ shitty futures! They’re going to be punished and we’re the last of the united forces. We’re having to make robots -you know! You see it, on that robot programme - that have to fight. COOL HUH!

Lacey: Sir, you know that robot programme was probably a re-run of Robot Wars.

Stifled cartoon sounding laughter amongst the Troops.

Duvac: Clever clogs again, huh? Well, I’m going to call you…errr… urm…clogs. Eh, Doc?

Lacey: I thought you were going to call me Clever Clogs?

Duvac: I did! You're trying to confuse my words, so my words are all mixed and all, you know...all...what’s the -

Lacey: Mixed? Okay, I’m lost: what the fuck you talking about? Does anyone else here think he’s fucked? (The Troops cheer.) Do you think he’s a dick? (The Troops cheer even louder; Duvac looks stunned.) Do you think this war is pointless? (The Troops cheer again, howling like wolves in delight.) I do! (Duvac tries to cover his hand over Lacey’s mouth, but Lacey wrestles him, as he speaks to the Troops and the audience.) So what if they're some poor people from earth trying to forge a good life on some ball of rock - like we are, right?

Duvac: (getting a hand over Lacey’s mouth.) Who you working for, boy? We know you spent a lot of time in the Digivid-archive. That's quite a sci-fi name - don‘t you think? (Lacey shrugs.) You know you’re right; we’re onto you! Like this guy!

Duvac points, with his free hand, to the Troop who urinated and followed through; he releases Lacey, pushing him into the piss. Lacey cleans up the piss with one of the flags off the wall.

Duvac: (cocky, feeling confident. Approaches the soiled Troop.) What’s your name, Shitball?

Shitball: (takes off his mask with one hand, throwing it one the floor. He’s a blotchy man, with no particular features, or race. He’s just blotchy. He wipes shit from his other hand, as his trousers sag at the back.) That’s mah name now sir!

Duvac: Oh. Why Shitball?

Shitball: I don’t know. It was Pissball, but now you jus’ changed it. I like it. I really want to be individual and express myself, as I was workin' as a plumber before this; but I thought I should be creative. So I quit. I was always into art at school. Dunno what to do now, maybe a degree thingy.

Duvac: But we drafted you? THIS AIN’T NO FUCKIN’ GAP YEAR,SUCKA!

Shitball: Well, I don’t mind. I come to the army for the sex.

Duvac: You suck cocks?

Shitball: Why yes,siree! Can’t you tell?

Pause. Shitball fumbles with his fly, struggling to rip it free; it’s jammed and he‘s too weak to break it. Duvac smiles, looking at Shitball’s fly in a trance.

Duvac: (breaks the trance.) Look, you tone it down, Shitball; the army has a reputation. Come to my office later to discuss the terms of what you just said. BUT ANYMORE ODD PEOPLE HERE, I’LL FUCK YOU...ALL...UP!

Lacey: You’re -

Duvac: No, I just have allergies. Look, don’t question your Sergeant: that’s rule number one.

Lacey: I thought it was to: ‘Kill, kill, kill! Wait, I forgot to growl, then go: ‘Kill, kill, kill! See, I’m still in Russ Meyer mode, but I’ll get the hang of -

Duvac: (pause; staring intensely at Lacey.) Are you mocking me?

Lacey: (completely serious, smirking, looking into the audience) No, I’m not. I’m being honest.

Troops: (all.) Oh, no he isn’t!

Lacey: That was good; we have at least some time to put on that panto!

Duvac: (grabs Lacey by the throat and holds him up.) What you doing to my core? What are you doing to them? You a spy? You some foolish propagandist? They're going all…soft. Are you a pessimistic bastard who wants to see us lose everything our ancestors gained? They’ve lost millions trying to keep them out of our civilisation!

Lacey: I know people have died -

Duvac: I was referring to the trillions of credits and old dollars. Lives need to be used.

Lacey: Oh. I see.

Duvac: Look, I know you’re all lardey-da, but you could be a leader if you wanted. COLLEGE BOY, DO I HAVE TO GET FUNKADELIC WITH YOU?

Lacey: Do I get a -

Shitball: You can get fun-keyed up with me!

Lacey: (to Shitball.) I think he is, you just don’t know yet!

Duvac: I’m going to kill you, Lacey - I forgot yer number, but I got names! You watch your back.

Lacey: I can’t.

Duvac: Exactly.

Shitball: But I will!

Duvac: I know what you’ll be looking at!

Lacey: What?

Duvac: (in Lacey’s face.) I was talking to Shitball, YOU SHIT! (Looks at the other troops; points to one to step forward; they take off a mask and Duvac sneers, as we see a woman called Fringle.) You! Bitch! Talk.

Fringle: Yes sir, yes.

Duvac: Fringle! (Checking her out, rubbing his swollen genitals against her.) Do you know you’re a woman?

Fringle: Yes, sir, yes.

Duvac: Does that bother you?

Fringle: Yes, sir, yes!…NO.

Duvac: I suppose you joined to prove a point?

Fringle: Yes, sir, yes. NO.

Duvac: Well, as you’re native of Colony Forty-Six, I can’t be complaining about your courage, but women are shit fighters. Aren’t they?

Fringle: Try me, Princess.

Duvac: What?

Lacey: (applauds Fringle.) Oh, brilliant Fringle! Well done! Is this gonna be a docu-soap, or something?

Duvac: Don’t tempt me. You... (Fringle and Duvac square up. Tense beat. Duvac is scared. Fringle wears heeled boots and she towers over Duvac, as he cowers.) Don’t…or I’ll call for the guards. And then you’ll get a butter fisting to show you who’s boss.

Fringle: I always thought you were -

Lacey: (addressing the Troops, pulling them all in to a group hug, forcing out Duvac, and facing the audience.) Don’t rise to this coward’s spill; we’re all going to get through this training programme together with no problems.

Duvac: (head-butting Lacey, who laughs at how weak the head-butt was; it was as if Duvac rubbed his head against Lacey’s.) You’re a bastard!

Fringle: Shit, I’m with the geek here, this is phoney bullshit. I want kick butt.

Duvac: (going to slap Fringle, but hesitates) Why - you fools! Fucked up fools! You’ll fail in the holo-simulation; you'll be slaughtered! You know that’s known as Colony forty-six-ex. Scary, huh? Some troops don’t make it past that, you know?

Lacey: What! You kill your own troops?

Duvac: No, not exactly. That’s illegal.

Lacey: So, after you finish Colony forty-shit-sex, you can drop out?

Duvac: Calm your tongue kid; you’re all for it now!

Duvac is sweating. He panics, presses a button on a remote, which he has taken from a pocket, but it falls apart; he then exits. They then all try to beat them all up by bouncing into them gaily: it looks like a scene from a kids TV programme. They are all having so much fun.

Scene 5.
Tunk’s office. Duvac enters sweating. He looks exhausted. Tunk pours him a drink in a tin can, hands it to him, while Tunk holds the tin can, but Duvac drinks it through a small red straw.

Tunk: I see this subversive is not a subversive, but a nothing. He’ll be pulped. I’m going to help you out Duvac, like I did when I got your arse out of the war and declared you retired. You’ll be helped by an insider. I’ll bring in an out-laster, maybe a couple. We haven’t got many. These droids will blend in and kill the little twat. He’s not going to ruin 46X. That was one of the best training simulations we’ve ever created. I mean that’s a whole world, that baby! Nooowaaay, sireee! He won’t ruin it with any fashionable pacifism; he has no other causes. He’s a tabloid radical - give him a few more pence and he’ll swing the other way. As long as he gets a beer at the end of it all, the little fucker.

Duvac: I don’t think he will. They’re watching kids TV now.

Tunk takes Duvac’s drink and downs it, pours in some washing powder, hands it back to to Duvac’s, who stares at it.

Tunk: I’ll bring in the Cackman.

Duvac: Not the man from the frontline - the man who eats his own shit?

Tunk: Yep. They all love their shit on the frontline.

Duvac: I think he needs evaluating - he’s a risk!

Tunk: Yes you’re right! This war has been raging for five years - Bowie was right! I’ve never needed so many people - to kill that is! Send in Tosst from the research wing and drug-up Lacey. Then we’ll let Cackman do some damage. (They laugh.) Send Lacey to the infirmary, he’ll crack wise no more!

Duvac: I’ll send him straight away!

Tunk: No, early in the morning - just before drill.

Duvac pours the white powder over himself, as if it’s cooling him down, but he screams, raging stamping on the spot for a while then charges as if he’s just gone over the top.


Scene 6.
Barracks. Lacey is on a bed (which is really a piece of cardboard troop target that he holds to his back). He is bored. Fringle and Shitball play cards, on the floor, and others look miserable.
Then Fringle takes out some chocolate from her butt.

Fringle: Who likes chocolate?

Lacey: (throwing the cardboard aside.) How did you get that? That’s a listed product!

Fringle: I won it in a game of cards with front liner named Cakeman.

Lacey: Cakeman? You sure that was his name? That’s a Top Gun name.

Fringle: It’s a nickname - a code between comrades. Fun really, yeah? I think that was his name, weren’t really listenin’ to him, busy screwin’, tryin’ to make it in good time. I’m not sure if it’s his real name.

Lacey: Well, I’m going to get high on this chocolate; I need to feel happy. (Takes a little black bag from his pocket.) Here. (Offering the bag to Fringle.) I’ve got some stuff from the cleaning department, while cleaning the floor with my tongue; it’s a mixture of various chemicals from around here. Mainly hobnob crumbs - very rare, man! - and some poppy seeds. It’s been soaked in recycled piss-whisky, as well.

Fringle hands Shitball a piece of chocolate. Shitball takes out a spoon, places the chunk on the spoon, pouring some lemon juice in the spoon, heating up the spoon, with a Zippo. A wave of cheap cardboard clocks are thrown from nowhere, like missiles, as the troops eat the chocolate. As the clocks are thrown, from nowhere, we hear machine-gun fire. They laugh, as they play a game, with the clocks throwing them to each other.

Fringle: (looking at the one of the clocks.) Shit, it’s almost dawn. We’ve been up all night; we’re fucked.

Lacey: (giggling.) I know; it’s some great shit - isn’t it?

Fringle: I’m impressed. (Forcefully, pinning Lacey down.) Got me horny as well, goddammit! I’m goin off sex, so you better be mean to me! Hit me punk!

Lacey: Look, we don’t all need to be token hard people and all that shit; we can be chilled heroes. We can do nothing. Let’s just get mashed and enjoy each other. (Winks at Fringle, who looks confused.) We just have to make it through alive and we should do that hassle free? Yeah? YEAH?

Fringle smiles; all cheer; many sway in a comrades' reverie, as if in a trance, humming some crappy pop tune with a bad chorus. They slowly fall onto the floor, all cuddling each other for warmth.

Shitball (licking the bowl.) My memoirs will be called -

Lacey: Yeah, whatever, shut up, or suck me while you're down there!

Fringle: Go to sleep! We’re up in half an hour.

For a beat or two, they sleep, giggling like kids at their first slumber party.
Duvac enters controlling two sock puppets. Duvac points to Lacey. The socks take a very drugged Lacey out of the barracks. They drag him out as he can barely walk. Lacey also giggles madly, whilst he is being dragged out. They exit. Then Fringle awakes, and realises Lacey is gone, but starts laughing.

Scene 7.
Infirmary. Lacey is in bed. A proper bed, but he is all drugged up. He is attached to an invisible drip. Dr. Tosst enters, with Cackman, dressed as a matron.

Tosst: I don’t know what is wrong with this man - do you? He is fine. He’s high as a kite, but he’s in okay condition. Just get him out there and get him fighting. We haven’t got the technology to help him anymore. Unless you want me to give him some fake arms? Some head-cutting - that’s fun. (Cheerfully.) Always on a learning curve with that one! (Seriously; Cackman smirks.) I could build a bio-gun on his head? (Cackman looks worried.) A flesh gun, like a phallus? You must handle those?

Cackman: My orders are to kill him - in whatever way.

Tosst: (hands Cackman an injection, slapping Lacey around as he speaks.) Well, at least poison him. He’ll go less suspiciously. You know he’ll write about these drug exploits and publish them as a series of dodgy pulp novels, with that jumpy cutting thing which I hate. And you know he’s tripping all the time - so predictable! - but it’ll be the sex, always is. Fucked. Then he’ll get rich so he can fund his drug habit. (Cheerful.) Yes, he has problems. I seriously think he likes happiness too much. It is addictive, but putting hope in chocolate is not the answer.

Cackman: Chocolate? Cadets aren’t allowed chocolate.

Tosst: I know; some use their shit as a substitute. Yes, I said excrement. No, I didn’t - I lied, sorry! I said SHIT!

Cackman: Shit?

Tosst: I know that’s what I said! SHIT! From bum-bum, you know, plop-plop ploppies, or poo-poo. (Seriously, putting on latex glove. Beat.) You don’t eat it as well do you?

Cackman: No! (Mumbling.) Only occasionally.

Tosst: Oh. I see. You’ve that problem. You’re the real Cackman, aren‘t you?

Cackman: Look, don’t fuck me around! What is so cool about this guy?

Tosst: Nothing; he has a usual persona. He is not an egotistical leader; in fact, he has no ego. He has no actual desire, just one for nothingness. He will destroy everything within his first anarchic fart. He’s a twat, basically. He’ll die in this war, but won’t be remembered. He’ll be dead in the training simulation, in fact. Actually, if I remember testing the shit he consumed, it’s a close match to your shit.

Cackman: You’ve tested it against records? You can identify shit now?

Tosst: Yes. (Takes a huge bag of post from behind Lacey’s cardboard bed. Tosst starts to open the mail, producing an array of cards, from Easter ones to Christmas ones, to birthday cards. Lacey moans, rubbing his privates now and again.) We discovered that it had been passed through the same digestive system and, at some stage, had been regurgitated. We found saliva in it and matched it to yours. A simple process really. Oh, yeah and there was a tooth in it.

Cackman: Oh. You got the tooth? My crown?

Tosst: No, it’s now a calcium supplement. We need all the help we can get, with the budget problems the colony is having financing this war. You shouldn’t have been eating your shit raw!

Lacey: (stirs; sluggish.) You fuckers! Where am I?

Tosst: It’s all right; your with Doc Tosst. We’ll get you out of this war.

Lacey: No probs. All sorted then? (Relieved.) I’m in another dimension.

Cackman: Don’t worry: we’ll pay closer attention!

Lacey: Good.I like Sicknote.

Tosst: I could use him for another prodigal experiment.

Cackman: As long as it really fucks him up. I can’t kill him. He’s too...boring. He needs to look like Vin Diesel - then I’ll have it out.

Tosst: Um. I see. I don’t understand your fetishes Cackman, but I like you, but I’ll explain myself in twelve sentences in place of one word. This is why I must have this Lacey fellow to experiment upon. We can get into -

Cackman: Yeah, I’ve seen Fantastic Voyage before, and Innerspace. Get on with it. We ain’t got no Raquel Welch or Meg Ryan around here though. I can get some make-up and -

Tosst: As you know I’m stuck for -

Cackman: Ideas?

Tosst: This Lacey fellow's odd - it's possibly due to some genetic malfunction. I’ll blame it on all that futuristic stuff - it’s easier than workin it out now! But I indoctrinated all the other cadets, but I don’t remember this one. He seems to have turned -

Cackman: We feel the unit never swallow any old propaganda. People get pissed off with hype, don’t they?

Tosst: Yes, never meets the reality, always fails. Don’t believe, erm, don’t…don’t…don’t believe..Don’t…erm - I forgot what I was saying, sorry! But whatever the response, I’m no moralist and will not judge. But this Lacey is a fool: an abstract slacker, who has no goals, but is content. Lucky bastard. We need his happiness removed.

Cackman: You’re unreal - I just want to kill him! What is your main thesis?

Tosst: We’ll all get along peacefully if we were all invisible and create an invisible society, which will destroy capitalism, without anyone knowing about it. Let the decay set in! It will help the future. The only part for us to change is to become invisible, or die. We’ll be invisible terrorists!

Cackman: You wouldn’t live with the pirates then?

Tosst: Fucking would! I love it there. I’m respected.

Cackman: I never liked you, Tosst; I don’t like doctors.

Tosst: Damn! It’s contagious!

Tosst exits. Cackman injects Lacey in both eyes and stuffs his mouth with pills, throwing some water over his face. He then tries to smother him with a pillow. Lacey is still, somehow, alive. Lacey then laughs.

Cackman: (amazed.) Why aren’t you dead? You must die! But that means I can’t kill you!

Lacey: (smiles with a mouthful of pills.)

Cackman (breaking down in tears; begging Lacey.) You must get me out of here; I must get off Colony Forty-Six, or I’ll go mad. I swear I will. I can’t keep doing Tunk’s dirty work! You know I eat my shit everyday and I’ve heard, Lacey, that you can get people out; you can get out of anything, can’t you? Help me. Please. Please!

Lacey shows his smile of pills, that are slowing dropping to the floor, but hugs a crying Cackman.

Scene 8.
Holographic simulation: Colony 46X
The Troops enter, led by Fringle. They all have toilet roll guns. Shadows enter. They appear behind the troops. The troops cannot see them. A fake jungle appears. We hear jungle sounds: monkeys wailing and screeching, birds trilling and other exotic sounds. Shitball carries a radio-pack and a first aid kit. He also carries lots of Pot Noodles and Super Noodles, he can’t carry anymore, plus puppets. Lacey enters giving out powdered drinks. They put down their guns and relax. Duvac enters in a tight fitting camouflage suit.

Duvac: What the fuck do you think you lot are doing? You total arse wipes! You have to be the first ever regiment to be the most laziest, smelliest, scum ever. You lot are a disgrace to humanity; a waste of flesh. You should rot.

A man called Choca, dressed in camouflage and covered in blood, dives onto Duvac. They struggle, but Choca stabs him with a lollipop stick. Duvac dies. Lacey and the others look amazed.

Choca: Sorry, about disturbing your rehearsal.

Lacey: (amazed.) That’s okay. They keep getting interrupted by this war anyhow!

Choca: (referring to Duvac.) Well, that guy has issues. I know you’re putting on a pantomime. That’s cool - a waste of time, but it‘s your holo-time; but I don’t care how you spend your time. Those pirates are mean. They killed my family.

Lacey: Okay, heavy. What division you in again?

Choca: I’m in...er...the...your one now…I got transferred.

Lacey: Yeah, it’s basically some fuckers won’t pay taxes or whatever and Colony 46 wants to protect it’s interests on this shit hole of a planet.

Choca: Well, it could be a lot worse; you know the shit around here, but on earth's really fucked up. I’m pleased I got off earth when I did.

Lacey: It’s nice to meet you. Do you get spaced?

Choca: Too right man. I know, let’s all go out to the entertainment complex and fuck shit up! We’ll have bit of the old anarchy; it’ll feel like home. Go fuckin’ mad.

Fringle: We’re on an exercise remember! We can’t go anywhere now we’re trapped on 46X. This place is where we must survive. We’re being watched!

Choca: Lighten the fuck up! We all need to get fucked, in more ways than one! Look, matey-o, this is a holographic simulation of an environment that doesn’t resemble where you’re going to fight. it’s a lie, obviously. that’s why I love the army! So honest - even when lying!

Fringle: I don’t want to fight any war. I know that this is not the desired situation. Like I was a lawyer. I was making good money. Then they found out I liked cocaine. They done me for smuggling, and said that I could rehabilitate in the army. I swear they’re trying to build a prison, it’s gospel man. They want us as drones.

Choca: Yeah, yeah, yeah, bleh, bloh, blaherio! It’s all the same. Instead of sulking, do something by doing nothing. The point of this simulation is to turn you into killers.

Fringle: Well, you’re one.

Choca: I know. Killing is so much fun; didn’t I look cool?

Lacey: Shall we bury Duvac?

Choca: In a holo-suite? UH?!

Lacey: Well, I thought -

Choca: The guy’s a fucking hologram! Think Rimmer, but with a swollen penis!

Fringle: Sorry, I’m only just thinking of penises!

Choca: I thought you might be. The girls out there, on the front, don’t last long. They usually get raped before they get killed. And that’s just by our own troops.

Fringle: Fuck! Then I’m going to war! I really need a shag!

Lacey: I’ll fuck you, too - I don’t want you to die!

Choca: I think I better do the honours, kiddo. I’ve had a hard-on for over twenty-two years. Wanking just doesn’t do it. Nor does that quack-Doctor’s fanny machine.

Lacey looks confused.

Lacey: So you’re a patient of Dr. Tosst as well?

Choca: Yeah. I’m one of his specimens. I still have to fight, but I’m a volunteer.

Silence; a confused tension.

Shitball: What’s that?

Lacey: How do we know if you’re propaganda - another fucked up fuckin’ holographic virus! See it sounds really sad, but I want to get -

Choca: Don’t worry, amigo-comrade, I’ll get you a good primetime slot with fifteen minutes - yes, a full fifteen minutes! - of commercial breaks. You guys are completely cut off. Which is how they like you.

Lacey: I have to get out of here.

Choca: (licking his lips; attaches his gun to his genitals - it oozes a shitty, chocolate, sauce. He rubs it, smirking.) Don’t worry; I’ll take care of Cackman.

Lacey: The fucker’s on my back, dousing me with crocodile tears. He’s going kill me. He said he’s after me. He’s going to torture me, make me stick bananas up my bum - then he’ll pull my penis off. He says he eats shit, but he can eat my penis. He wants to change his name from Cackman to Dickman, so he has to eat penises to do so. It’s ritual Colony army acceptance crap. He’ll be ridiculed if he doesn’t follow it through.

Choca: (laughing.) Look, Cackman is a reject; he won’t do shit to you.

They all laugh.

Choca: (taking Lacey aside and referring to the troops.) Look at all these abstract people! You’re all fools. You need something; it’s beyond help, probably beyond drugs.

Lacey: So you’re a hologram?

Choca: Look, don’t get cocky with me, kid. I want to get you out of here, but I don’t give a fuck about you or your buddies. You middle-class rich kids are all the same - with free trade and fairer trade, boring slogans - on another world aren‘t yah? Don’t worry; I’m sure you’ll jump on the anti-war bandwagon, just because your agent said so, right?

Lacey: Er, I suppose - that's a good idea…But I don’t know, I don’t care.

Choca: You can do other work on the outside.

Lacey: But we’re inside! Aren’t we?

Choca: Look, kid, I’m not buying your Ol’ Red Hippy shit; and I think you’re just in love with the idea of being a revolutionary, considering your weak as fuck. Come on, look at yourself, puny arms, mus’ have a tiny dick a lil‘ sore - (Lacey flashes at Choca, who susses smiling knowingly, but looks disgusted, retching, composes himself, wiping saliva away.) So feeble; you can’t be for real; you’re scared of a token psycho called Cackman!

Lacey: But -

Choca: (lights a smoke, but doesn't smoke it.) I don’t care what you think. I like you, but I don’t like you. Get me?

Lacey: Er -

Choca: (throws his smoke down; hugs Lacey.) I thought you would. Okay. That’s sorted, let’s have some fun!

Lacey: Okay. But Duvac is not dead!

Choca: No, he’s fine in reality. You know - outside the holographic simulation? He’s probably wanking in some office.

Lacey: Ah, that’s a relief. Even though he’s a twat I don’t want him dead. (To the rest of the Troops.) We’re going to party! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHH!

The troops cheer and exit with Choca and Lacey, leaving Duvac’s corpse and we hear ‘Chop-Sticks’ being played on a Bontempi organ submerged in water.

Scene 9.
Tunk’s office. Tunk is masturbating over an ancient Shirley Temple poster. Dr. Tosst enters, dragging Duvac’s corpse.

Tunk: (covering himself with the poster, quickly; as if nothing happened.) I’ve heard about Duvac. Don’t worry there are plenty more where h-h-h-h-h-eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee (Ejaculates onto Tosst.) Come from.

Tosst: (takes off a dress underneath his white laboratory coat, and puts the dress into a carrier bag.) Well, I don’t want this batch to get any alien viruses. Alien is the wrong word to describe it - but it the only word I know how to describe it. We have problems - ours are more complex; I want to switch to the invisibility programme. It will benefit the military more than it will benefit humanity, General. You understand that don’t you?

Tunk: (zipping himself up.) Continue the Colony Forty-Six experiment.

Tosst: I think I’m having some moral issues.

Tunk grabs Tosst by the scruff of the neck.

Tunk: If you fuck this up, I’ll fuck you...up. Got that?

Tosst: You shouldn’t have done that Tunk.

Tunk: Or what?

Tosst: What?

Tunk: Don’t attempt your mindgames with me! I know you think you’re a maverick - a subversive shrink - but at the end of the day you're just a quack.

Tosst: No, I’m not a duck, General. You should know the difference between humans and animals, but knowing your ethical record you’ll kill anything!

Tunk: (releasing Tosst; trying to joke.) They have to be living, of course.

Tosst: That’s what I mean by killing! To kill something, it must be alive first.

Tunk: Why you fuddy-duddy Frankenstein wannabe! Don’t get clever-clever with me! You and your intellectual ways! I can't stand you lot! Always using long words when a simple one will do! You’re always confusing me! (Tosst looks baffled, shrugging.) Yeah! Why can't yah make a dick-fanny-butt machine? It'll be...I was only saying. Well, I know what I mean!

Tosst: Yes, of course you do.

Tunk: (grabs him by the throat again; Tosst chokes) And don’t patronise me. (Pause. Tunk releases his grip on Tosst. Tosst re-animates.) I know who done this. It was that recruit -what his name?

Tosst: Lacey?

Tunk: The troublesome one who does nothing!

Tosst: That’s impossible!

Tunk: I sense insubordination! A plot! (Grabs Tosst again; Tosst chokes again.) You’re protecting him aren’t you?

Tosst: No! (Tunk applies more pressure on Tosst.) No, what I was trying -

Tunk: (shaking Tosst, who looks dead.) Tell me! TELL ME! YOU CAN TELL ME!

Tosst:(suddenly alive, he slaps Tunk. Tunk sits, suddenly, attempting the full lotus position, but falls over. Tosst takes out a crystallized condom, rubbing it, trying to stare into it) Look, there is no war; this is phoney and we have problems convincing people - the general public that is - of our case. Brainwashing them like this won’t do any good in the long-term! It will in the short-term as they’ll all be brainwashed! I don’t know about the mid-term. It;’s too grey there.

Tunk jumps up, and grabs Tosst again, but slowly lets go of Tosst, who is exhausted, almost having a heart attack, rubbing his chest. Tunk goes to his desk drawer. He opens the drawer and takes out a bottle of hydrochloric whisky. He closes the drawer loudly. As he does so, we hear the clang of empty bottles in the drawer. Tunk drinks the whisky neat. Tosst rest on a chair, trying to get his strength back. There is an uncomfortable, tense silence.

Tosst: Look, Lacey is drugged up to the eye balls. He thinks he’s not on earth, but some colony on a faraway a planet. He calls it Colony Forty-Six. He thinks that we have some simulation: a virtual reality programme called Colony Forty-Six-X, where he is solider and must survive, it if or his training to fight against pirate terraformers on the same planet. He sounds very confused. I shouldn’t have given him the pills. I thought St. John’s Wort would’ve been enough. But then again, I did let him watch The Lawnmower Man then The Matrix. Shit! He’s already watched Tron this afternoon. No wonder he’s fucked. It’s my fault. I didn’t mean to give him those cheap mushrooms either; but I got stoned and a bit drunk and one thing led to another. You know how it goes? I think I’m going to have to refer him to another specialist and remove his brain.

Tunk: So Lacey is innocent?

Tosst: Yes, of course. Unless he has the powers of astral projection! (Tosst laughs; Tunk is not amused.) Well, we all know it will be some regurgitated movie anyhow. As long as some pop-tart gets everything out, I don’t give shit. Call it art and I’ll buy it over the net - that’s my motto! And I’ve never been arrested.

Tunk: I’m sick of your types! We’re making no progress! All you do is drug up the troops and members of the public and give me a load of statistics and mindless bullshit! All these words! All fancy words and long-winded terms! This is all stuff we already know! I swear you’re just recycling old information!

Tosst: Why yes, of course - how will we make a living? I might be wrong. I hate being wrong; I always like to be right.

Tunk: Well, that’s wrong!

Tosst: No, I’m right!

Tunk: No, I’m right - your attitude is wrong!

Tosst: I’m right - your attitude is wrong!

Tunk: Wait! This is going no-where. Shall we agree we’re both right and everyone else is wrong?

Tosst: That could be right, but does sound -

Tunk: Good. If you were going to continue to disagree with me, then I would’ve killed you!

Tosst: Ah, I see. Do you want a hand, General?

Tunk drops his trousers, and sits behind his desk; Tosst puts a rubber glove on his right hand and starts to give Tunk's head a rub. Tunk looks baffled, but resumes masturbating, hoping no-one notices. Cackman enters.

Tosst: Ah, Cackman! Our longest surviving patient! What can we do for you?

Cackman: I have to say that I’m leaving the institution. You’ve helped me a lot, but I am going. I’m not addicted to your shit anymore. I am addicted to my own shit. I have my shit and that’s all I need! You can’t keep me here against my will. I’m a volunteer remember?

Pause.

Tunk: Well, this is a surprise. I take it you’ve had words with Lacey?

Cackman: No. I haven’t. It just came into my head that I can leave any time I want. I want to live a healthy life; I need to go down to the offy to get some booze and fags and have a laugh again. I know this guy who does...I haven’t laughed in years! (Struggles to laugh, smiles.) ooh, that felt good. People won’t go near me though - I don’t know why. (Referring to Tosst.) He jus’ says I should wash more and stop eating shit.

Tosst: (begging Tunk, moving his hand faster on his head; Tunk is in a trance, drooling.) We can sort out others for you. We have medication for you to deal with other people - it will help. You can still watch shit on TV, you know?

Tunk:(eyes bulging, looking angry.) Cackman, you leave us, you won’t be able to come back.

Cackman: That’s what I want. Goodbye General. Goodbye Doctor.

Cackman exits. Tunk comes in surprise; Tosst cries putting his head in Tunk’s groin in despair, Tunk then pushes Tosst away and runs crying and hugging Lacey, who appears, swaying, they step into:

Scene 10.
Barracks. The troops come in drunk and all happy. Lacey and Choca support each other up. Shitball kisses his hand, licking his palms then tries to eat it. Fringle approaches Choca and kisses him. Fringle collapses on the bed.

Lacey: So, chocsy. Sorry, Choca. Choca. What makes you keep coming back, Choca?

Choca: Don’t get all philosophical on me, man. Cos philosophy is…like philosophical and all that….really complex stuff. Look, now you got me thinking…what you sayin’?

Lacey: Well, if you keep coming back you must like us?

Choca: Look, all I am is a programmed stereotype. And that’s me trying to be cool - is it working? (Lacey shrugs.) I’m the veteran soldier to make you realise your role in the world.

Lacey: What is my role?

Choca: I don’t know! Watch Platoon and try to identify with Charlie Sheen - that’ll be funny. But I’m the vet who knows how to piss off everyone - and get what I want.

Lacey: To look cool?

Choca: No, to die young and stay pretty, fool!

Lacey: I didn’t think of that. (Beat.) Want a smoke?

Choca: (eats the smoke, it's a candy stick.) Sure. Look, I have to disclose to you that you’re a target. That meddling doc -

Lacey: You talking about Dr. Tosst?

Choca: Yeah. That’s the guy.

Lacey: I met him in the infirmary.

Choca: Well, he is a doc. That’s where the quacks hang out.

Lacey: Are you part of the programme?

Choca: No. I’m just a bad hallucination.

Lacey: That’s a cop out; I know you wouldn’t lie to me.

Choca: Look, I’m going to give Fringle a fondle and a good mamma-jammin’. You just get high. You need it more than me.

Choca goes to Fringle’s cardboard bunk, which is a troop-shaped target, and starts trying to fuck her fully clothed with his gun-dick. Lacey takes some pills and finishes a near empty bottle of gin. He smokes, looking relaxed. Lacey smiles, laughing tears well in his eyes, and he looks like he's crying, but he's really happy. We see Fringle and Choca kissing in background on the cardboard troop target, still trying to fuck through their clothes. Cackman enters; Lacey freezes.

Cackman: Don’t be scared. I just want to thank you. You gave me hope. For the first time I feel like a person, who’s really a person. (Lacey looks baffled.) Even though I belong here, I want to help out the rest of you get out of this shit hole. You have no real say in what you really do. They just make you think you do. They aren’t listening. I know them too well. Tunk wants to kill me, so I must move quick. Take care.

Cackman tenderly kisses a frozen Lacey, then exits. Lacey smiles, checking his dick, then an alarm goes off. The lights flicker, as we hear the clanking of a metal, as the lights go red then we hear laser-fire, then the theme from Galaga, which everyone thinks is a rave .Then:

Scene 11.
Multicoloured room, thunder, lightning, then a flickering of lights, then a sun storm. Lacey sits in a room. Fringle enters in a white coat.

Lacey: Hi Fringle!

Fringle: I’m not Fringle. Look, we know you were on some heavy drugs, Derek, but you’re going to have to tell us about this Colony Forty-Six place all over again.

Lacey: Look, it’s really far away - as in far. I can’t remember where. I just ended up there. I really hated Earth and you know how people have to move on. Well, I was going to…I dunno now, it’s so long ago. But I decided to go to Mars. From Mars I got this cruiser then I was at Colony Forty Six. It’s nearer Pluto than Charon.

Fringle: You know, by present technology, it takes approximately forty years to get to Pluto and back. I may be wrong with that calculation but present technology changes so quickly. Well, they must have a hyper-drive like all that other sci-fi shit or whatever. You watched something with Mars in today?

Lacey: I could've. Could’ve been frozen. It might help me work, rest, erm, and -

Lacey farts. Fringle writes some notes.

Fringle: Do you recognise this man? (Puts on a projector showing a picture of Lacey, beaten up and looking very messy.) This man is homeless and has been seen wandering the streets claiming to be from another planet. Claiming an intergalactic war is inevitable. Were you this person?

Lacey: (irate.) No! I’ve been over all this before! I don't eat my own shit for attention and I'm perfectly sane. I told you that when you said I was this person I was under the supervision of Doctor Tosst.

Fringle: There is no Doctor by that name at this institution. (Pause. Checks her notes.) Oh, no you're right there is. My mistake. I'm such a spazzmothicko. There’s a janitor called Tosst. A coloured, hmm? Voodoo-teevo-juju-shit, or gang related shit? Maybe good shit - or shitty-ass bitchin’ shit. Was tha jig up?

Lacey: Shut up about shit. Please! (Pause) Well, I think you’re trying to fuck me. Like in those movies. I see it in my mind. And what I watch in public. You know I ain’t seen anything for ages. Not since I been in here. Look, I’m telling the truth….I just want to be free. I volunteered for research, I… my…then I was in the army then…I’m so tired, all tha time, now I’m here. It’s all a bit of a blur. I’m ill? I knew it.

Fringle: (takes her own urine sample, stirring it with a plastic stirrer.)Sounds like sound a self-drug induced stereotypical drug psychosis. I think you’ve infiltrated what you thought as cool and your brain is telling you it’s cool, so your dying - that’s cool for us all! (She laughs in his face. Lacey doesn’t respond.) When the music’s over eh? (Winking at him, sticking a finger up her arse for fun and pouring a cup of her urine over Lacey; Lacey ejaculates, as Fringle nose-fucks him with her shitty finger, then forces it into his mouth, Lacey sucks hard on her soiled finger.) Tell me about this guy called “Choca“. I want to meet him.

Lacey: He’s a holographic legend. If he was in a graphic novel, I might hire it from a library. I might nick it after a while. But he went off to fight the war; he was a free agent, invincible. So he came back to the colony complex to train and sometimes he would takes us to the entertainment complex and we’d all get hammered, I never remember how, though. Fucking wicked. I loved it. Choca went off to fight the pirate terra-formers…I‘ve told you all this - haven‘t I?

Fringle: What happened to Choca?

Lacey: You know! YOU KNOW! FOR FUCK’S SAKE YOU KNOW!

Puppet orderlies run into the white room and protect Fringle and they wrestle Lacey down to the ground. They drag him away.

Scene 12.
A space station: a semi-modern complex, which is made of cardboard and looks quite depressing. Automatic doors open and close, pulled by Shitball and Choca. No-one comes in. An Old Man called Bagoo enters, shuffling slowly, followed by Lacey, but dressed in clothes too young for his years - he almost could be mistaken for a tweenie, as he is dressed in a spacesuit style romper suit and bib. Lacey carries a bowl of slime, which slops around. It has ‘MUM’ written on the side of the bowl.

Bagoo: Son, I’m proud of you. You wouldn’t think, would you? All them years you bleed me dry with your education - trying to get things easier for you. (Hugging Lacey, intimately.) No, you were a burden; I wanted you to die. (Cheerful.) I would’ve been popular. (Seething; grits teeth, while smiling, putting his hands around Lacey‘s neck, caressing his throat.) But you kept going, draining my life-money. (Faking it, smirking to the audience.) My precious money - my shitty life!

Lacey: (casually, in Bagoo’s face.) Cheers Dad. You’re a dick head, and you’ve fucked me up, before I could even fuck myself up!

Bagoo: Well, you’re going off to war. Good - isn’t it? You better protect that Colony from those pesky rebels - it’s all our energy reserves! Sorry - is that too much info? As in: (Shouts in Lacey’s face, globules of spit fly.) INFORMATION D.I.P-SHIT! (Lacey nods, yawning.) We can’t live with people who want the same things - that’s all. (Sniffs, wipes away a fake tear from his eye.) No, they have to be poor, go without. That’s life.

Lacey: Oh, right. I always thought we could all work together and come to a mutual solution to live with each other.

Bagoo: Silly boy; it’s not that simple! Why - you’re straight out the propaganda department! I know a spy - I was James Bond during the war, of course.

Lacey: Dad: I don’t really want to go to war. I’m sorry, but I can’t handle it. I don’t want to kill other people. So what if these rebels are just poor people trying to survive without the permission of the state? They made their own stuff; they do everything themselves. Who cares -

Bagoo: YOU’RE GOIN’ TAH WAR BOY-EE! (Looking to the skies.) What would you’re Mum say?

Lacey: Nothing much - I haven’t turned her communicator on yet. She’s still in stasis.

Bagoo: (grabbing the bowl; slopping the bloody liquid everywhere as they struggle.) Give me you’re mother! Turn her on! Turn her on! TURN YE FUCKIN’ MUMMA ON! (The liquid goop slops out onto the stage.) Stupid boy! STOOPID BOY-EE! Yah killed your mother!

Lacey: She was already dead!

Bagoo: (in tears, smiling, shaking Lacey.) FUCK YOU! YOU LITTLE SHIT! Fuck off somewhere, anywhere! (In Lacey’s face, kisses him on the cheek, tries to bite him; growls.) I don’t need to see you again.

Bagoo spits into Lacey’s face; Lacey smiles, wiping the phlegm away casually.

Lacey: I take it I can’t come home? I’ll put Mum down the bog.

Bagoo: (wiping the slime from the floor with a handkerchief and smelling it, kissing it.) Just fuck off. FUCK OFF!

Lacey walks down a corridor, giggles, then skips away. Bagoo follows Lacey, looking shocked, as Bagoo starts to cry.

Bagoo: Fucking machines!

Darkness, as the distant stars glow.

Impressum

Texte: Colin Peterson
Cover: Colin Peterson
Tag der Veröffentlichung: 21.08.2010

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