chapter 1


Dylan and I had been neighbors our entire lives. He was the boy next store and I was the little girl begging to tag along with him and his friends. He had always been sweet to me and I had always been in love with him for as long as I could remember, but it was never like that for him I suppose.

To him I was just little Kate and nothing else.

Tomorrow he was leaving for college. He was two years older than me and was headed to New York City to attend NYU. He didn't know what his major was yet, but he had always been smart, just hadn't decided exactly what he wanted to do with it yet.

I would miss him. We had been friends since forever and confided in each other about everything.

I was the one he told about his first kiss or the person he ran to the time he ditched school and hid in our tree house; afraid to face his parents. He was ten years old and going to live up there and never come down. It had taken me two whole hours to get him to go and face the music; which had been a months' sentence of being grounded.

That was all in the past now. Tomorrow my friend would be gone and things would never be the same. I was smarter than to think that he would visit every other month or come home every holiday and summer vacation. He was growing up and faster then I could catch up to him.

Next week I would be a mere junior in high school and he would be a college freshman a thousand miles away from home.

I sat in our tree house, afraid to go down and be faced with the consciousness that he was really leaving. Maybe I would live up here and never come down just like Dylan had planned to do all those years ago. I could create a make believe world where nothing ever changed and things always stayed the same.

I looked at our pictures that hung on the wall, I was six and Dylan was eight. My dirty blond hair was pulled back into two frumpy big tails and my overalls hung loose; hand me downs from my older sister. Standing beside me in the old faded photo was Dylan, who looked as cute as ever. His dark hair was messy and over grown; even now it was hard to get him to go get a haircut. His deep brown eyes were the only thing besides his messy hair I recognized these days. He had grown over the last couple of years and no longer looked like this small boy in the photo I held in my hand, but like a young man. He was tall and his body was no longer gangly, but lean and firm.

"I always liked that picture," his voice brought a sadness that made my stomach both do flips and turn at the same time.

I looked over my shoulder to see Dylan standing half way up the ladder, revealing only his face and upper body.

"Me too," I said glumly.

I continued to stare at the picture even when I heard the sound of him shuffling inside the tree house and I knew he was beside me.

I could still hear the sound of people chatting and music playing across the yard and on the other side of the fence.

"Why aren't you down at your party?" I asked finally looking at him.

"I was looking for you," he said putting an arm around my shoulder. This wasn't unusual. He was like my big older brother in so many ways, but I never really thought of him like that, not really. How could I, I've been in love with him since I was four years old.

I pulled down another picture. It was of him and I at my birthday party, I had just turned five. All I had wanted that year was for Dylan to marry me. In the picture I was wearing my favorite beaded play dress that hung past my feet and over my shoulder, while Dylan wore a loose fitted, white button up shirt with tie and had his arm linked through mine as I held a pitiful bouquet of lilies.

"Oh god, look at us," he laughed taking the picture from my hand and staring at it.

I couldn't stop looking at his face.

"I'm going to miss you Dylan, nothing's going to be the same," I said looking away. I know this is so cliché, but I promised myself I wouldn't cry and hear I was on the brink of tears.

"Everything will always be the same between us Little Kate, you never have to worry about that," he said holding me close and stroking a comforting hand across my back.

Every year I planned to tell him how I really felt, but never had the courage. Now here he was leaving, and it was too late.

Tonight was my last chance, for anything. If I didn't do something now, I never would. So I was going to do the one thing i had dreamt of a thousand times.

I pulled away from him, just enough so I could see his face.

"What is it?" he asked with his eyebrows pushed together in concern.

I wiped the tears away from me eyes and really looked at him. I could feel my heart pounding fast and hard, like at any second it might rip through my chest and maybe it would. I was so afraid of so many things. That maybe he would reject me or laugh.

I took my hand and gently brushed a strand of his silky hair behind his ear. I didn't mean to, but I let it linger there on his face, with no plans of ever moving it what so ever.

Then I did the unthinkable, I kissed him.

At first his lips were frozen undermine and his body stiffened in surprise, but soon he was kissing me back. I slid my hands around his neck, forcing any amount of space between us to be shut out. I wanted to be near him and feel his body against mine in ways we never had.

His lips were softer than I had ever imagined and he tasted minty like peppermint and something sweet. It was the best kiss, my first kiss and there was no other way I would have wanted it.

The kiss had been gentle, but full of passion as he cupped my face with his hands, before skimming down my cheeks and along the extent of my arms, until they stopped at my waste and he held me closely against him.

He pulled back and I didn't open my eyes at first, I only smiled. I knew the moment I opened my eyes, the moment was over.

Slowly I came back and looked at him.

"Katie-"He started to say something; what I don't know, but I silenced him with my hand.

"No," I said shaking my head and crawling over to the ladder.

"I don't want you to call me Dylan; I don't want you to write, I couldn't stand it. Just come back to me," I said as I started climbing down the ladder.

When I reached the bottom I put a hand over my heart, making sure it was still there because it felt like I had left it up in the tree house, put away for safe keeping with all the other memories of him I couldn't carry around.

"I love you Dylan," I whispered, barely audible for even myself to hear and that's where I left him, never looking back.


******************************************


That was four years ago.

I am no longer sixteen and I haven't seen or spoken to Dylan in those four years, not since that last night and not since our kiss.

I had gone to a university for two years and decided it wasn't for me. I had just moved back home a month ago and was deciding what I wanted to do with my life. I looked out my child hood window and stared down at the old tree house then across the yard to Dylan's room. Everything appeared the same and it was strange. I could still picture us dangling on the old tire swing and hear Dylan calling for me to come outside and play.

My heart began to race like it used too and still does whenever I thought of him.

I felt nervous, I have waited for this day for a long time and it was hard to believe it was finally here.

Last week, Dylan graduated from college and tomorrow, tomorrow he was coming home.

Chapter 2


I woke up knowing it was here, Saturday, the day Dylan was arriving home.

How many times had I pictured this day; hundreds, thousands? The number was too high and I had lost track somewhere along the way.

I could barely breathe, little on think about what it would be like.

We had left things at a standstill and never discussed what the kiss meant or if it meant anything at all. I know I loved Dylan, I always have and probably always would, but did he love me back any other way then as Little Kate his child hood companion?

I couldn't answer that. I only knew how much I had missed him.

It might seem strange what I had done.

Cutting off all connections with the man I loved nearly my entire life.

At the time though, it seemed like the only way. He was leaving and I had to accept it. If I couldn't have Dylan with me forever and always, then I didn't want to have him in bits and pieces as he dipped his feet into the earth, tasting what else life had to offer while he was away. I couldn't risk being something that held him back.

With him I didn't want any regrets or resentments. I wanted whatever relationship we might ever have, to be done at the right time and back then, four years ago, that meant putting my heart on hold.

I thought about the kiss all the time though. Mostly at night when I lay awake, staring at old photos that I had taken down from the tree house shortly after he had left.

When I closed my eyes I would picture his face in my mind. The way his hair would highlight in the sun and his eyes were a smoldering depth of warmth and friendship.

A smiled broadly to know one, but myself. He was actually going to be here today. I would be able to touch him, hug him and maybe start things where we had left off.

I wondered if he thought about me at all over the years. If he too lay awake imagining my face or our kiss.

The constant ache of doubt swelled in my mind and I wondered if he hadn't, if I was still just his Little Kate and if I had let him that night, if that's what he would have told me.

I couldn't think about that, not now. Not when life was good and within hours, he was coming home.

I got out of bed and pulled back the drapes from my window, letting the light fill the room.

Stepping in front of my dresser, I looked in the mirror good and hard. My hair was long and curled at the ends, like it always had, but my face was different. It was no longer as freckled as it once had been and my cheek bones were more defined, pleasantly affecting my looks. My eyes were still the same shade of light murky green, like a swamp of moss covered water beneath my long lashes. If there was one thing I liked about myself, it was my eyes. They were my best feature and reminded me of someone who would live to tell stories.

I was grown up and it showed and not only with my looks, my body also changed. I wasn't as boney, but filled out and looked more like a women then the sixteen year old girl he left behind.

I let out a heavy sigh and brushed my hair up into a pony tail, before walking over to my closet and deciding what to put on.

What to you wear to the reunion with the love of your life, a sun dress, shorts, or maybe something casual that didn't give away what this reunion really meant?

Yes, something casual seemed to be the safest choice. If I went down there in my prom dress, people might think something was up and that I was a little over dressed for the small occasion.

I had never told anyone about my feelings for Dylan. My mom and dad thought we were like siblings and so did his. My older sister Rachel and I had never been close and when we were younger she probably would have teased me till the end about it, if I had ever told her.

Rachel barely ever came home anyway, she was the rebel child and though she was only twenty four, she has lived in Los Angeles, Miami, Denver, and was currently staying up in Boston. She never got along with my mom, but as for my dad; well he was hard not to get along with. Always simple minded and never thought too much into anything. A real pleasant, content person if you asked me.

"Kate, are you coming down anytime today?" my mom shouted up to me. I could picture her now at the bottom of the stairs with her hands on her hips and breakfast cooking in the kitchen.

"Coming!" I yelled back, slipping a white v-neck t-shirt over my head and a pair of denim skinny jeans up to my waste before clasping a long silver pendant around my neck. It had been a gift from Dylan for my sixteenth birthday and held a picture of me and him the year we went to homecoming.

Tucking it under my shirt I let my hair fall loosely down my back and ran down stairs to my already impatient mother.

"Good morning," I said happily, my voice practically singing with excitement.

"Well good morning sugar," said my dad who was sitting at the table with a cup of coffee and the sport section of the paper sprawled out in front of him.

"Good morning pops," I said kissing his cheek.

"Mom," I said standing beside her at the store and giving her a similar peck.

"About time you came down, you know we have a busy day planed, were helping the Walsh's get ready for Dylan's arrival." She mildly scolded. I say mildly because she was still smiling. My mom might be impatient and liked everything perfect, but she was usually rather perky.

"Well, here I am so what's the plan again?" I asked, already knowing my duties for today. I just wanted to be reassured that it was really happening.

"Your father and I are going to be stopping by the Baker's and picking up Jared and Dave, and you my dear are staying at the Walsh's and finishing up the decorations while they go to the airport to pick him up." She said full business mode. Mother always did like her agendas.

"Okay, got it," I said with a grin.

Jared and Dave were Dylan's old friends from school and I really hadn't seen them since high school. I had only been back a month though and hadn't really gone looking for old acquaintances yet.

A few hours later and after helping my mom make her famous roast and bring it over to the Walsh's, it was almost time. I had been blowing up balloons and sprinkling confetti for a while now and decided I better take a quick shower and change into something a little nicer before they got here. I walked next store to my house and stopped when I got to the tree.

The tree house still looked strong and sturdy.

Please, I thought to myself. Please let tonight go well.

I slipped on a simple black dress that was tight around the chest and then draped out, cutting off right above the knees. It was cute, simple and nothing too dramatic. Just as i was pinning my hair out of my face, I heard the rev of the engine pull up the driveway and the lights glare across my window.

They were here. He was here, outside, right now at this very moment Dylan was here.

I dropped the hair pins and raced down the stairs nearly tripping over the rug across our living room and ran outside. For god sakes I hadn't even put any shoes on, but I didn't care. I only wanted to see his face and feel his arms wrapped around my shoulders and across my back.

"Thanks dad, but I could carry it."

His voice, he was so close and if I could just make it across this overly large yard, why was it so big?

I spun around the hedges that separated our houses and finally I saw the back of his head, or I thought it was.

The man standing with his back to me had a short prim hair cut and was wearing a suite. Nothing like my Dylan would have ever worn, but I was after all wearing a dress so really we were both out of our comfort zones.

My breathing was ragged, I had run all the way over here and probably looked like a mess, but it didn't matter.

"Dylan!" I squealed joyously and nearly shouting at the top of my lungs.

His body froze at the sound of my voice and I knew then that yes, the tailored suited man was him.

My Dylan all grown up.

When he turned around my heart swelled a thousand times.

Was it possible he had gotten more handsome since the last time I had seen him?
Was it possible that he could have aged with such perfection and that his eyes were no longer warm, but a smoldering pit of fire that burned my skin in the most fantastic of ways?

He smiled back at me and if you could believe it, yes it was dazzling and my knees nearly turned to jelly. I wanted to cry, dance, laugh, and do a thousand other different things I was so happy, happy that he was here and standing right before me in the flesh.

"Little Kate," he said with a grin before walking over to me.

The same smile filled his face, before faltering for the tiniest second and then quickly hidden again. It was almost an apprehensive look that confused me and confirmed my suspicions. He had after all called me 'Little Kate.'

Over by the car I saw his mother and father talking to someone. Did he bring home one of his college friends, I wondered?

"Dylan, "I breathed, "I...I missed you," I stammered before jumping into his arms.

My heart was drumming against my chest and he hesitantly circled his arms around my torso.

What was going on? This wasn't how I had pictured it at all.

"Aren't you happy to see me?" I asked with watery eyes as I stared back at his complex expression.

"Of course I am Katie, 'I hadn't been called Katie in years. He ran a hand over the back of my head and kissed my temple before looking at me strangely, "there's someone I want you to meet," he said uncertainly.

I looked at him confused and he quickly looked away with a shaky breath.

That's when I saw her.

Stepping out of the car, with the help of his father's hand, was her. I didn't know her name, not yet, but I bet it was something as beautiful as she was, like Fiona or Valerie.

Her legs were longer than anything I had ever seen and her golden locks shined beautifully beneath the pitiful flickering garage light, and her lips, her lips were pouty in a way that only made her look utterly sexy like a run way model right off the cat walk and staring in my direction.

Nothing could have prepared me for this and I swear I could actually feel my heart ripping apart.

"This is Vanessa," he met my eyes and I tried hard to hide the anguish brimming behind them with a sadness that ran so deep into my bones I thought I might crumble in front of him, "My fiancé."

Right then, in that moment was when my heart stopped bothering to rip in half. It wasted no time and went straight to the point; exploding into a million pieces leaving me feeling hallow.

Hold it together, breathe.

I wanted to crawl away and hide until this indescribable pain was gone.

I clutched my hand across my abdomen and smiled weakly.

"Oh, I...," I couldn't speak and the few words that did escape were barely a whisper.

"Katie, I wanted to tell you differently, but..."

I shook my head and smiled pathetically.

He felt sorry for me.

I could see it on his face and it was the most horrible thing to witness. I was glad we were a safe distance away from his house and that it was so dim where we stood, that no one could see the mask of hurt I wore.

I just needed to get through tonight, just tonight and then I would leave.

"Oh Little Kate!" Vanessa's voice chimed through the air and hit me like a ton of ice, " so you're the famous one I'm always hearing about," she said scurrying over and holding out here hand to mine.

I stared at her blankly, I didn't want to touch her, I couldn't.

She stood there for what seemed like forever until withdrawing her hand, her smile wavering as she looked at me with her brows creased together in confusion.

She then looped her arm around Dylan's and I couldn't take my eyes off that small gesture.

"I...I have to go, I'll see you inside." I somehow managed to choke out.

I felt like I was drowning in my own pool of grief as I ushered past them and into the house to the second story bathroom.

I was numb, completely utterly numb and it was the most vacant feeling I had ever experienced.

Breathe Kate, just breathe.

The harder I told myself to do just that, the thicker the air felt as it stung my lungs. I sank to the floor clutching my stomach with one hand and ripping the pendant I wore off my chest with the other.

I was crying, crying silent sobs that flowed down my cheeks in a cascade of salty water that was surely ruining my dress. The stupid dress I was wearing that made me feel even more ridiculous then I already did.

Dylan was getting married.

He wasn't mine, he never was and he had forgotten all about me.

I remembered what he said that night, "Nothing will ever change between me and you Little Kate," and he hadn't lied either, because nothing had changed. I was still his Little Kate and he was still Dylan, always a grasp out of my reach.

chapter 3


I peeled myself off the bathroom floor by clutching the sides of the sink as I tried to catch my breath. I needed to snap out of this. Dylan had come home; it's what I'd been waiting for. I tried to smile. To find some kind of contentment in the fact that he was here, but it didn't work. What started off as an empty grimace, turned into a twinge of sorrow as tears trickled down my face.

"He came back to me," I said a load to the empty bathroom, listening to my broken words echo around me; he just came back to me with someone else.

The anguish jolted a scrutinizing jab of pain across my chest. Someone else, he was marrying and in love with someone else. The words seemed foreign and I suddenly felt very sick. I closed my eyes and inhaled heavily, I needed to get a grip. Nothing could change what was real and waiting for me downstairs.

I leaned over the sink and let the water run cold before splashing it on my face. When I arched upward, I met my gaze in the mirror and saw that my eyes no longer sparkled like they had earlier, but conveyed an empty trough of nothingness.

A gentle knock against the door interrupted my sorrow fest and I tried to compose myself.

"Kate, you in there honey?" it was Mrs. Walsh, Dylan's mom.

Great, this is just what I needed.

"Just finishing up, I'll be right out." I shouted through the door.

"You sure your okay Kate, Vanessa said you didn't look to well?" she asked with concern wavering in her voice.

Already it was Vanessa.

It seemed like things were moving too fast and the world was spinning chaotically on its axle and I couldn't hold on. I needed things to slow down so I could take them in, but that didn't seem like that was going to happen and I realized the longer I stayed up here, the faster things were happening down there.

"I'm fine," I assured her.

I listened to her feet walk across the hall and down the stairs.

I ran my fingers shakily through my hair and smiled roughly as I looked at myself in the mirror in an attempt to motivate my weaker side that was considering crawling out the bathroom window and making a run for it.

You can do this Kate, just tonight and then were gone, maybe go stay with Rachel for a while.

I nodded reassuringly to my reflection and placed my hand on the cool brass knob. My feet were unexpectedly frozen to the ground. It was suddenly more than just a knob; it was the one thing that would reconnect me with the realism of what was on the other side, Dylan and his fiancé.

I took one more deep breathe to steady myself and walked out the door.

Downstairs I could hear voices and music playing softly in the background.

My heart was still beating distortedly against my chest and I felt a little shaky, but I needed to hold myself together.

"There she is," exclaimed my father as he got up from his seat and wrapped his arm around my shoulder.

My mother was busy chatting with Mrs. Walsh and Dylan's dad had cornered Dave and Jared and was now showing them his fishing wire collection.

I looked at Dylan who was sitting on the couch next to Vanessa. He didn't even glance at me when I walked in the room.

Was I invisible?

It was now clear, that he never had any feelings for me and that hurt, but he was still my best friend.

Wasn't I?

Or was someone else going to run through the door and say they had fulfilled that position as well, leaving me with no place when it came to him.

"Can I get a hand in the kitchen?" Mrs. Walsh shouted from across the room and behind the flapping doors that separated the kitchen from the dining area.

My father patted me on the back and handed me his drink that smelled highly of alcohol.

"Coming!" he shouted as he walked across the room and unknowingly abandoned me. I suddenly felt very awkward and out in the open without him at my side.

I was about to walk outside when I was stopped by a light tap on the shoulder.

"Kate, is that you?" it was Jared Dylan's friend.

"Oh hey Jared," I said forcing out a smile.

Across the room I could see him getting rewarded with an evil glare from Dave, who was without a doubt mad at being abandoned with Dylan's dad.

"You really grew up didn't you," he exclaimed," the last time I saw you, you were what seventeen?" he said staring at me like he had never seen me before.

I glanced across the room and saw Dylan looking at me for the first time since outside and immediately looked away when I met his eyes.

"Yep, all grown up I guess," I said with a frown, not knowing what else to say.

To me Jared still looked exactly the same. He had always been tall and his face still held the same boyish features it always had. His light brown hair was messy, but slightly combed back tonight; I'm assuming for the occasion and his brown eyes were tinted the tiniest shade of green.

"So what have you been up to, since you left?" he asked looking rather interested.

I felt like this was a conversation he might drag out and I was already growing irritated.

It was strange how this night had turned out. I thought I would have been having this discussion with
Dylan not Jared.

"Nothing much, I moved back about a month ago and now I'm trying to decide what I want to do." I said looking away like I was distracted.

I wanted this conversation to be over and for my answer to have been enough for him to stop talking to me.

"Yeah, I opened up my own business last year, it's doing alright. Set my own hours, even got one of those websites up and running as of last week," he said proudly.

"That's great Jared, umm...would you excuse me," I said already walking away.

My life had just fallen apart and I didn't want to hear about how great his was going. I walked towards the back of the room and into the den where the party wasn't secluded too. I lifted the glass to my mouth and took in my dad's drink with a single gulp before setting it down on the mantel.

"Aren't you a little young to be drinking?"

I turned around surprised, I thought was alone.

"Dylan," I breathed out somehow managing to say his name.

"I didn't mean to bother you; I just saw you come in here and wanted to see if you were alright." He said with a tone that was caring and quiet.

So he had noticed. He wasn't completely blind to my display of heart ache outside.
What had he expected though?

That I would ask to be a bridesmaid and become best friends with the wretch?

Wait I take that back. It really isn't her fault and I felt bad for forcing the blame of this on her. He was the one who had broken my heart. I had waited four years for him to come back, all for nothing. I couldn't help the slight anger that rose in my throat and out of my mouth.

"Why wouldn't I be?" I asked harshly, maybe a little too harshly in fact. The way his body flinched from the cold unexpectedness of my words was clearly visible.

"I just thought... never mind. I guess I'll see you out there," he said turning to leave.

Some part of my brain yelled, don't do this. You're better off just leaving it as is. Think of yourself and what it will do to you, tomorrow you can be gone and never look back, but I just couldn't.

"Dylan!" I said abruptly, not knowing what I was going to say.

I only knew I was being selfish. He was my best friend and I needed to be happy for his happiness, my
feelings set aside.

"Yeah?" he asked.

I took a few steps towards him and maybe it was the drink I had just consumed, but I wrapped my arms around him and crushed him into a bone cracking embrace.

"I really did miss you," I said softly, closing my eyes as tightly as possible. If I opened them, the tears would escape and I didn't want him to see me like that. I didn't want him to see all the pain this had caused me.

I also wanted to memorize everything about this moment. The way he smelled and the feel of his muscles and how they were tense, but slowly relaxing beneath my arms. Tomorrow I would leave and who knew how many more years would pass until I saw him again.

"Me too Katie," he breathed against my neck and my whole body felt like a million goose bumps from the feel of his breathe on my skin.

"And ....and I'm happy for you Dylan," I said against his chest.

His arms tightened around me.

It was a lie. A complete and utter lie, I wasn't happy at all.

I would have rather he came home and said the last four years were a wasted sham or that he was going to jail for a horrendous act of crime, before I witnessed him coming home with her, but what could I do other than be happy for him.

I pulled back, only a little, not wanting to make him uncomfortable by staying too long in his arms.
Instinctively, not even thinking about it, I kissed the side of his cheek softly with the faintest brush of my lips.

I couldn't not notice the way his face leaned into mine, causing my lips to press firmly against the side of his cheek and the whole thing felt far more intimate then I had intended. I could smell the sweet peppery taste of his mouth, but I ignored it pulling away while stepping out of his arms completely.

He was just being nice after all.

He was getting married, I didn't know when, but he obviously loved this girl enough to bring her home and ask her to spend the rest of his life with him.

I gave him what I hoped to be a believable smile as I walked past him and out of the room.

I couldn't read his expression. He just gave me a half smile and stood in the den looking at the mantel and my empty glass.

As I walked away, I felt maybe a little better. The hurt was still there, but maybe, just maybe there was hope. I looked at Vanessa sitting on the couch with her long legs folded like silk against one another.

No, probably no hope at all, how could I compete with her looking like that and me like... well me?

"Hey there you are sugar; I've been looking all over for you."

"I was just talking to Dylan Pops," I said, unable to hide the faint smile that formed on my lips. I couldn't help it. We had shared an innocent moment, but being so close to him, like I just had been, made me feel warm.

"That boy gave us quiet a shock didn't he Kate," my father scoffed, "I mean Dylan, Married! You know, you're probably going to think I'm crazy for saying this." He smiled shaking his head.

"What?" I asked with my brows furrowed together.

"Well...I always thought the two of you would get married one of these days, you were so close when
you were kids and I know you never thought of each other romantically, but...hmm I don't know..." he said trailing off.

It might have been less painful if he had just shot me.

Behind him, I could see Dylan standing there looking at me. I hoped he hadn't heard what my father had just said, but judging by the look on his face, he had.

"Don't be ridiculous," I said nudging my father's arm. I met Dylan's eyes, "It was never like that for me and Dylan," I looked away when I heard Mrs. Walsh yell something in our direction.

"Dylan! Dylan get in here!"she yelled, "Vanessa's about to tell us how you two met," she said excitedly as her and my very own mother rushed into the living room for their seat around the suddenly formed circle.

I grabbed the drink out of my father's hand, ignoring the slight protest he gave me with his eyes, before shrugging it off.

"Well I would have to say it was love at first sight for me," she giggled settling into Dylan's side as he took his place beside her.

This was definitely going to be a long night.


Chapter 4

Was I the only one disgusted by this?

I'm looking around the room at my very own parents who are unknowingly betraying me as they participate in this story of love at first sight.

Apparently, she saw him sitting alone in the library every Tuesday and knew then that she and I quote, "just had to have him." She would try to catch his attention by bringing him snacks, brownies, cookies, which she says he loved.

Did she not know Dylan hated chocolate? It seemed she knew nothing about him at all and what was worse was him. He sat next to her nodding his head and agreeing to this and that as she rambled on about little qualities they shared.

I thought back to my own first memory of Dylan. I was four and he knocked me over for playing with his toy cars....

Love at first sight?

No, not exactly, but it didn't take long for me to know I would love him.

Love, the word echoed around my mind and I thought back to when I remember really loving him. It had too have been when his father built him that tree house and he invited me, only me out of any other kids to be the first to step foot onto the smooth plains of its second hand wooden floors. He said it was our special place and that no one, not even his best guy friends could come up.

I smiled at the memory, but the second my vision shot back into reality at the huddled group surrounding Dylan and his fiancé, I could feel the sadness seep across my face.

I needed air.

No one noticed when I slid out of the room and behind the sliding glass door.

It was chilly out and the wind blew my hair past my shoulders and maybe it was the drink, but my skin tingled and I was a little wobbly on my feet as I walked across the grass to the tree that separated our two back yards.

The ladder was missing a few steps, but I felt the need to be up there.

Slowly, one by one, I climbed the ladder until I reached the top and heaved myself onto the dusty floor of the old tree house that hadn't been used in years and after tonight probably wouldn't for many more.

Tomorrow I was leaving; I didn't know when I was coming back, but before I left there was something
I needed to do. I needed to say good bye to whatever was left of me and Dylan and this wooden structure seemed to be it. It held our first and only kiss, the memory of the night he left and other countless reminiscences that rested in this place where I had stored them.

I closed my eyes and once again the tears sneakily escaped down my face and I buried my head in my hands.

I felt like a coward and a fool. Not only had I thought after all this time that Dylan would come back to me, but I was now running away without even giving up a fight.

I brought my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms across them.

I sat like that for a while until I heard the weight of someone pressing down on the ancient ladder, it was faint and hard to hear through the rattling wind, but someone was making their way up.

I wiped my face and my heart began to race like it had earlier with Dylan in the den.

"Dylan?" I called out, slightly hopeful.

When I saw the shaggy hair appear across the top of the opening my stomach dropped in disappointment, it was only Jared.

"Hey Kate, you mind if I come up here?" he asked.

This is not what I needed and I didn't want to be mean, but I had already subtly hinted that I wasn't up for chit chat.

"Listen Jared-, "I started.

"Look," he cut in, " I'll only be a second okay," he looked around the small open room with a lop sided grin, "I always wanted to come up here when I was a kid, but...well you know," he laughed, "it was strictly forbidden to anyone other than you two." As the last words left his mouth, his face became a little more serious and soft.

His hands were placed on either side of the opening and only his face and upper body were within view.

I rolled my eyes.

"Well, come in then," I said with a small smile.

His face lit.

With much difficulty, he pulled his long body into the tree house and I had to admit it was ridiculous.
He fumbled and crawled and it was funny watching a grown man try to crawl into this child's play thing.

"Is it everything you dreamed?" I asked with a laugh.

"Yes," his grin turned into a tight line," I have to admit though..."

There was that look again, the seriousness and softness.

"What?" I asked my brow creased in the center.

"I was more worried about you?" he said looking straight into my eyes as if searching for something.

I looked away out the small wooden cut out hole we called a window.
"What do you mean?" I whispered.

My hands were slightly shacking and I held my breath, not wanting him to see the unevenness of my breathing.
He knew I was broken and that I was in pain. I didn't want his pity or his comfort, I only wanted Dylan's.

"Listen Kate, it's no secret how you felt about him, you never dated any of us in school, in fact you ignored us half the time," he said reaching out for my face with his hand and forcing me to look at him, "It was always clear the only one you saw in your eyes was him and here he shows up with this Vanessa, I just...."

"Stop!" I said or shouted while jerking my face away. I didn't want to hear this. I didn't want to hear that my secret was never a secret, but an open book for everyone to read, except to the only one I wanted to, "you don't know what you're talking about Jared," I yelled, "you have no right coming up here and talking to me like this, Dylan's my friend," I sounded hysterical, "my friend and nothing else, not now, not ever!"

And then I was crying, nearly uncontrollably.

Jared scooted next to me and wrapped his arms around my shoulders drawing me against him. He was warm and maybe not what I wanted, but he was there and he cared.

"Shhhh," he soothed as he stroked my hair and pressed my head against his chest, "you're going to be alright Kate, everything going to be alright," he said his words like a promise, but I didn't believe him.

How could anything be alright when everything was so wrong?

"Why are you doing this?" I asked, "I was never very nice to you and...well we were never really friends growing up," I said quietly.

A strange flicker shot across his eyes and was quickly concealed, covered up with a slight smile, "It doesn't matter, I could just tell you needed someone to understand what you were going through and I do okay," he patted my back before releasing me from his arms.

"Come on, why don't you go on home and I'll tell everyone you weren't feeling too well," he said with questioning eyes, asking me if this plan was okay.

"Okay," I nodded.

When we were both back on the ground I suddenly felt very awkward. He knew too much about me now and understood too much as well.

"So ... I guess I'll see you around?" he asked, unsure.

I thought about it for a second before I mumbled a lie, "sure."

He started to walk away, "and Jared," I called out.

"Yeah?" he asked.

"Thank you... for that," I said glancing up at the tree.

He smiled before heading back inside to join the rest of the party.

After a lingered second of looking around, I started walking across the yard to my own house. When I reached the porch, I unclasped the straps of my heels and stretched my feet all the way to the tips of my toes that felt like they had been suffocating within the confines of my beautiful, but painful shoes.

I had told Jared I would see him around, but I wouldn't. When I went inside, I would pack my things and I would leave.

chapter 5


I was sitting on the edge of my bed fully dressed. The clock on my night stand read three thirty am and I let out a shaky breathe. I wanted to get an early head start and hit the road before the sun came up and if I left within the next half hour I would be making perfect timing. My bags were already packed and placed in the compact fitting of my 1987' Volvo all ready to go.

The only thing that wasn't ready was me.

I knew I needed to leave, but there were reasons I wanted to stay; my family and home for one. I had no idea where I was going or what I was going to do, but one thing outweighed any resolve I had in staying and that was Dylan. Who knew how long their visit may be and I couldn't bear to stand by and witness their love when it was crushing me with a weight so heavy I couldn't breathe.

Dylan and Vanessa, Vanessa and Dylan, their names together in the same sentence no matter which way transfigured felt like someone ripping a band aid off a cut that had started to scab; painful.

I wound my hands around one another and rubbed my thumbs in circular motions on the back of my palms.

Things sure hadn't turned out like I had expected them too.

I had been naïve in thinking I would have my fairy tale, my happily ever after and Emerald City at the end of the yellow brick road. Life just wasn't like that. I sure wasn't Dorothy and the last time I checked there was no fairy god mother to make my wishes come true.

Despite all of it, I still loved him like any foolish girl still would.

How could I not?

How did you break away from something you have been so sure of your entire life?

Even now, knowing Dylan was getting married, I was surer then ever of my feelings towards him.

They were stronger, sharper and stung my heart like someone pouring salt over an open wound. The heart ache was more distinct then any amount of pain I had ever felt and a reassurance that my love was real.

Yes, I was foolishly in love and like so many other people in this world I was in love on my own. I was the girl on the side lines watching another girls dream come true and it just wasn't fair.

I had never wanted something so much in my entire life as much as I wanted Dylan. I would walk over hot burning coals and sky dive from the tallest tower if only he could be mine based on such relevancies. In the past four years I don't think a night went by where I hadn't thought of him. Where I didn't close my eyes and picture his smile or remember the soft feel of his lips when he had kissed me back that oh so distant night that seemed like a million years ago and the way things had turned out it might as well be.

My eyes burned at the memory.

No, Kate I told myself.

I wouldn't cry, not anymore.

I grasped the handle to my shiny black wheeled carry on and stood up. I hadn't used this suitcase since the day I decided to return home and leave school and it was strange to be using it again so soon.

I had written my parents a short letter, explaining I would call them from the road. They wouldn't be happy; well my mother wouldn't be happy, my father would probably wish me luck on a new and exciting adventure.

I taped it outside their door and as quietly as possible descended the stairs. The house still held the mid morning silence and the only audible sound was the creaking of the staircase and the wheels from my suitcase rolling across the hardwood floor.

I grabbed some snacks from the cupboards and a few bottles of water from the fridge before sneaking a handful of my mother's sugar cookies and stuffing them into bag.

After I thought I had a decent amount of food packed, I looked around the kitchen at the tin pans that dangled from the ceiling and reminded me of every dinner cooked and eaten together as a family at the round wooden table. My father always sat at the head and me and my sister to his left. My mother was always on his right. My dad called her his better half, always saying he didn't like his right side as much as his left so that was where she came in, evening out his surface.

My dad barely ever made any sense.

The clock on the stove said a quarter to four and I knew it was time to leave. I set my key down on the kitchen counter and headed towards the door.

The air was warm outside and I wasn't surprised. The summers here were always nice even in the early morning and it felt nice and soothing against my skin.

I shut the door and was startled by a firm grasp on my shoulder. I gasped and fumbled backwards into the arms of what I assumed was a burglar or worse some kind of murderer or rapist. I elbowed the culprit hard in the abdomen and pushed my way out of his grasp.

"Kate, it's me," said a wincing Dylan who was now lying on the porch.

"Oh my god Dylan," I said rushing to his side and kneeling over him.

It took only a second to forget that he was injured; on my accord I might add and to get lost into the swirling depths of his dark chocolate eyes.

Was nothing about this night going to be easy?

Couldn't I just leave unseen, unheard, just the way I wanted it to be.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

God I don't even know where it came from, even with the tiny jabs of pain that still shot through my entire body, I somehow managed to smile and found it difficult not to laugh.

"Yeah I'm alright," said Dylan who was also smiling. Before either of us knew it we were both laughing and I sat down next to him.

"Might I ask what you're doing on my porch at this hour of the morning?" I asked folding my legs Indian style.

It amazed me that no matter what somewhere inside this entire mess he was still my Dylan, my friend... well at least for the few spare moments before I left anyway.

His face became serious and he looked down at his hand before catching my eyes. In the moonlight his face looked both familiar and strange to me. Everything about him had only gotten better, but it was the old familiarities I searched for.; the warm eyes, slight smile and shaggy hair that was now lying on some Barber's floor.

"You're leaving?" he said looking out into the morning sky that was turning a light faint shade of grey.

"Yeah, I just thought... well Rachel's been asking me to visit for a while now," I muttered.

It wasn't exactly true and wasn't what I had really intended to do until right now.

"How did you know I was leaving?" I asked trying to ignore the heavy thrumming coming from my heart.

"I saw you packing up your car," he said running a hand over his head.

"Oh," I said amercing a small smile.

"Katie...?" he asked.

He sounded so unsure, like he didn't know what he was doing on my porch

"Yeah," I answered.

He didn't say anything; he stood up and leaned over me offering me his hand. I noticed then that he was still wearing the same suit from last night minus the tie and jacket. His shirt was sloppily tucked in and he wore sandals instead of loafers.


I hesitated.

I could feel the unsteadiness of my breathing as the air fought its way out my lungs as I stared at him and his offering.

Slowly I took his hand in mine as he helped me up to my feet and I found myself standing right in front of him. We were close, oh so very close and just like back at his house I felt the urge to kiss whatever part of him that would be appropriate.

What was worse than that was the way his eyes were drawing me in like a hypnotizing spell that made it impossible to avert my eyes any other place then his.

A few minutes passed and he still hadn't let go of my hand and maybe I was only hoping or it was a part of my imagination, but I swear I could feel his pulse beating through his hand just as fast as mine was.

"Dylan?" I prompted.

"What?"

"No, you were going to say something... before remember," I reminded him arching a single brow.

He let my hand drop and took a step backwards, "I just wanted to say it was nice seeing you... and... I wasn't lying when I said I missed you Katie." His eyes told me it was the truth.

It was an understatement to say I was disappointed. Of course he had missed Little Kate his childhood friend.

"I better get going," I told him picking up my bag and walking over to my car.

I rolled down my window and fought the tears that desperately wanted to break way. If anything this only made me realize how strongly I needed to leave. If I didn't I would never get over him and then I wouldn't even have the friendship that we shared or what little was left of it.

"Bye Dylan," I said as I started my car.

He leaned over and I thought maybe he was going to kiss me, but his lips only pecked the top of my head and he patted the side of my car.

And then I drove off leaving Dylan standing in my driveway.

As soon as I was around the corner I cried.

I must have been driving for only forty five minutes when I heard a loud pop and my car began to shake.

Kill me now, seriously a flat tire?

Life was really bearing down on me and someone was trying to teach me a lesson for some horrible crime I wasn't aware I had committed.

I was making horrible timing, the sun was out and it must be about six O' clock in the morning. If I was ever going to make it to Rachel's house it would take me a week at this rate.

I pulled out my cell and dialed information asking them to send the nearest tow truck to highway 401W.

I couldn't stop thinking about Dylan and how strange it was for him to be there when I had left when a giant tow truck titled J's Towing pulled up to the side of the road.

A tall guy wearing a baseball cap and a one suit mechanics jumper hopped out of the driver's seat and began walking over to my car.

"Kate?"

Well shit.

"Hey Jared." ''

I glanced at the small writing on the side of his rig. It was a web site entitled Jared's towing company.

Well of course it was.


chapter 6


My car was hitched to the back of Jared's tow truck and the ride was relatively quiet considering I had made no attempt at furthering any type of conversation. Every bump and whistle of the wind blowing past the open window was a reminder of the silence and I couldn't take it anymore.

"So... a towing company hu?" I asked looking out the window.

"Yep," he said. I didn't have to look at his face to know he was grateful for my attempt at being friendly.

"How long will it take to fix up my car?"

"Flat tire..." he sighed dramatically shaking his head before looking over at me with a smile," I'll tell you what, I'll have it fixed up and ready to go by the time were done eating breakfast," he bargained.

"Breakfast, is that a service that comes with all early morning towings?" I asked.

I did not want breakfast; I wanted to get the hell out of this town and as far away from everything as possible.

He only laughed.

"Look Jared I can't... I was actually on my way out of town," I said quietly.

I felt his hand on my shoulder and I didn't want to look at him. I knew what I was doing was weak and I didn't need to see the disapproval written all over his face. I was running away and Jared knew it.

"Come on Katie, leaving town... give it some time," he told me patting my shoulder.

Easy for him to say, what did he know about heart ache or love. You didn't just wish it away and so it was. I might never recover from something like this and I didn't need his advice in the first place.

"Look I don't want to talk about it okay, especially with you... I barely even know you and don't call me Katie call me Kate. No one calls me Katie except....," I instantly regretted how rude I was being, but for some reason not being able to help it. I folded my arms and scowled out the window.

"Yeah, but I know you," he said staring intently on the road, "your Kate, favorite color blue, won second place in the art fair your freshman year, had a funny lisp up until the second grade and you're in love with someone who doesn't love you back and is soon to be married, did I leave anything out?" I was surprised he just said that to me and my anger resolved into guilt and then hurt.

I deserved that I guess.

He was only trying to be nice and here I was being a total bitch. It still hurt though. I bit down on my lip to repress the tears that were stinging my eyes.

I didn't say anything else for a while. I just sat there thinking. Every now and then I would steal a glance at him, but he not once turned to look at me. His eyes were glued to the road and his fists tightly wound on the steering wheel. Pushing what little pride I had left aside I turned in my seat to look at him.

"How did you know my favorite colors blue?"

He inhaled a long heavy breath, 'I don't know... I guess I remember you saying it one time," he said in a soft voice.

He didn't say anything else after that and I let the silence fill the car.

He pulled off the highway and into the familiar town that was my home. Looking at the memorable streets I thought about how odd it is that no matter how many years pass and things change, there are so many things that remain the same.

On the corner of Johnson and third there's Pete's Diner where I had hung out nearly every day after school, the same shabby gas station still stands on the opposite corner and next to Mrs. Sherrington's bakery that has the best pastries I've ever tasted.

Sure the paint was a little lighter; faded from all the years out in the sun and the streets have became older, tired looking, but it still held the same homey comfort of being in a familiar place and I realized how much I had missed it this past year I had been away. I wondered if Dylan had had a chance to look around and if he felt the same way I did now as I looked at the old streets I had grew up on.

No I told myself. I couldn't think of that, not now. I needed to push Dylan out of my head and concentrate on new things, new streets and new memories. I needed to get back on the road before I lost my nerve and went back home just so I could be close to him while I still could.

Well if I was going to get back on the road then I needed my car up and running to do so and that wasn't going to happen if Jared was still mad at me. Clearing my throat I turned to Jared who looked like he was still ignoring me.

"So... is that breakfast offer still standing?" I asked trying to make up for my bad behavior.

He smiled a lop sided smile and I knew I was forgiven, "yeah, breakfast sounds good right about now," he said patting his stomach, "Pete's okay?" he asked pulling into an old warehouse that had been remodeled into the heart and garage of Jared's towing company.

"Sure, but then I really got to get going," I said pointing a finger at him

He only nodded. For a guy with so many opinions he had this funny away of silently answering me all the time. I had never paid much attention to him in school and wondered if he had always been like this.

We walked around the block to the diner and the smell of maple syrup and sausage sizzling on the stove hit my nostrils and my mouth nearly began to water the second we stepped foot through the door. I hadn't eaten much yesterday and I hadn't realized how hungry I was until now.

"Hey Pete," said Jared as he grabbed two menus from behind the counter and sat down in an empty booth.

"Hey there Jared," said Pete, a stalky middle aged man working over a hot stove.

I trudged behind him and slouched down in the seat across from Jared squinting my eyes from the glare of the sun propelling down on my face through the glass window.

"You know you could smile," said Jared as he looked over his menu and set it back down.

He looked at me like I just might obey and turn into a happy camper all of a sudden.

"I don't feel much like smiling these days," I said grabbing my own menu and scanning over it.

The waitress approached and I ordered pancakes with a side of potatoes, eggs and bacon. I looked up to see Jared eyeing me with wide eyes.

"What, I'm hungry?" I said handing her my menu.

After Jared had ordered he began staring at me again, "Where were you headed anyway?" he asked.

I sighed.

"Rachel's," I said rolling up the sleeves to my sweater and unfolding my napkin to set on my lap.

"Rachel's she lives up in Boston, that's nearly a three day drive," he said frowning.

"Yeah so what?"

"So," he said exasperated, "Kate you just can't travel up and down the state by yourself its dangerous out there," he threw his hands up in the air, "you can't even fix a flat tire for Christ sakes," he said with disapproval.

"I'll be fine." I said as the waitress walked over to our table carrying two trays of food that looked so good despite the annoying conversation Jared was putting me through. The last thing I needed was someone worrying about me and trying to tell me what to do. Nothing he could say would make me stay and who did he think he was anyway?

Suddenly a triumphant smile spread over Jared's face like he had just discovered gold or found an alternate source for oil. It was creepy how happy he looked and frankly his happiness was making me sick. I didn't want happy, I wanted to wallow and fester in my pathetic sadness.

"You know what, your right you will be fine," he said taking a bite of his food.

That was a surprise.

"Thank you, I'm glad you.... Wait. What do you mean?" I said narrowing my eyes and setting my fork down.

"I know you'll be fine," he said scratching his head and running his hands through his tangled hair, "because I'm going to be going with you."

I stared at him wide eyes and with a heavy scowl.

He stared back and I could feel the heat rush to my cheeks. He was making me mad and was turning out to be harder to lose then I would have liked him to be. What did he mean he was coming with me?

The expression he wore on his face said don't fight this. Well, if that's what Jared thought, he really didn't know me that well at all.

I closed my eyes and wish I had never been born at all. Leaving town sure ending up being a lot harder then I had thought it would be.


chapter 7


I closed my eyes inhaling slow calming breaths. I don't know what it was about this guy that got my blood to boil like it was sitting over an open flame.

Jared seemed not to notice how unforthcoming I was to the idea of having a traveling companion, but he was about to.

"Look Jared, that's a sweet offer and all, but I don't think that would be a very good idea," it took everything I had to keep my voice at a calming level.

'Now drop it Jared,' I pleaded inside my head.

"And why is that?" he asked setting his fork down. He slid his plate of food to the side. He was staring at me seriously and I didn't want to hurt his feelings, but it looked like I was going to have to.

"Well for one I just don't want you to go," I said trying to match his seriousness with a frown.

His brow creased and he nodded his head, "I see... and secondly?" he asked leaning over the table and staring into my eyes. I felt as if he were challenging me to come up with a better excuse.

"Secondly?" I asked leaning as far back against my seat as was allowed.

"Well you said for 'one' you didn't want me to go... and I'm just wondering what the other reason may be," when I didn't answer he continued, "afraid you'll finally subside to my charm?" he asked with a grin.

I could tell he was only trying to lighten the mood, but he picked the wrong girl, wrong morning and wrong life time to try it with me.

"Yes Jared that's exactly what I was afraid of," I said rolling my eyes.

He sighed and still held the same grin on his face. He brushed his hair aside with his hand and leaned backwards. He looked like the kind of guy who didn't have a care in the world.

"Well if those are your only reasons I really don't see what the problem is?"

Persistence was definitely his forte.

"Other than the fact that I don't want you along," I said angrily.

"Kate," he said my name carefully and with a lot of thought, "I just think you could use a friend right now, even if you don't." he said quietly.

"What I need is to be alone and I can't do that if you come with me now can I."

He shrugged his shoulders and maybe it was just my imagination, but for the tiniest second I thought I saw something close to hurt behind his eyes.

"I'm going to go pay the bill and wash up," he said standing up and walking towards the back of the diner.

I watched as he made his way behind the bathroom door and quickly grabbed my purse and threw a ten dollar bill on the table. As far as I was concerned I didn't owe Jared anything other than my share of the bill.

I got up to leave when I noticed the gleam of my shiny metal compact beneath the table. I looked back towards the bathroom. The coast was still clear with no sign of Jared, but I didn't have much time if I was going to sneak away without him noticing. I almost said forget it, but the casing of the antique had belonged to my grandma and I couldn't just leave it on the old, once white tiled floor of Pete's diner. With a groan I got on all fours and crawled my way to the back corner of the booth to fetch the compact. I slid it into my pocket when the door chimed and the titter tatter of heels and shuffling feet echoed against the floor.

"Dylan, how've yeah been and who is this lovely lady?" asked Pete a raspy joyous voice.

The shock hit me so hard I went to sit up and banged my head against the table top. Shit, it hurt and my head began to throb. I quickly scooted backwards to get out from under the table before someone noticed me. I was still crawling out when my legs came into contact with something hard and the next thing I felt was cold sticky syrup and the clatter of dishes crashing down all around me as the waitress tumbled to the ground.

Oh my god.

I pinched myself.

This couldn't really be happening. This only happened in really bad movies, not in real life and especially not to me.

A bus boy rushed to the fallen waitress's side. I couldn't ignore their glares as he helped her to her feet.

"I'm so sorry," I said trying to pick up the broken glass and scrape the mess into a pile. I didn't know what else to do and that's when I remembered Dylan was here.

"Kate?" it was Vanessa.

Shit, shit, shit!

My eyes met the tips of her shiny black pumps and roamed up her ridiculously long lengthy legs. She was wearing a violet cardigan with a white flower embroidered on the right breast pocket and was tucked into her knee length high wasted charcoaled colored skirt. Her long blond hair was swept up into a long pony that cascaded down her shoulders in a sea of swirling soft wavy curls. She was beautiful. I hated her.

"Oh hello Vanessa," I muttered looking at the ground I was still leaning on. I began to stand up and slipped on the syrup. The bus boy didn't rush to my side as he did the waitress.

"Oh dear let me help you," she exclaimed reaching out a hand to mine.

Yes, definitely hated her.

I didn't take her hand, I couldn't. I stared at her, still unable to bring myself to touch the one thing that stood in my way from everything I wanted. She must think I was crazy. Every time she had attempted at talking to me I stared at her with the same blank expression.

"I got it."

The sound of his voice made me week and I felt like I suddenly was made of jelly instead of sturdy bones.

I hadn't even noticed him standing there. He had finally changed out of his suit and was wearing khaki shorts and his old ratted zeppelin t-shirt he used to always wear when we were teenagers. He looked tired and light dark circles hung under his eyes.

He held his hand out and lifted me up off the ground. I didn't want to let go, but with Vanessa standing right there I don't think I had much of a choice and reluctantly pulled my hand away. It burned as it fell to my side and I clutched a hand across my stomach. I felt sick like at any second I might throw up or pass out.

"I thought you left," his voice was low and hoarse.

I met his eyes and I thought maybe he was glad I was still here.

I was about to say something...what, I wasn't sure.

Right when I opened my mouth Vanessa came and put her arm through Dylan's and leaned against his side. The only sound that came out was choked and more close to a silent whimper then any real words.

"Yes Kate," she said sweetly," we thought you had skipped out on us," she ran her hand up and down Dylan's forearm. I sucked in a much needed breathe.

"This is the only time Dilly here will have to spend with his little friends before the wedding and it would be a shame if you missed out on that," she said kissing Dylan on the cheek.

Dilly?

Little friends?

Was that all I was now, a past remembrance of his childhood? Would the only time I ever heard from Dylan be in the family Christmas card they sent out each year? I looked at Vanessa. She looked like the kind of girl who had already picked out the matching snow flake sweaters and family dog.

"Of course... I..." god I was losing it. I couldn't even complete a sentence. If heart break is this devastating then I wondered what it would have been like if Vanessa never showed up and Dylan had decided he loved me back.

Would I have rocketed up into the sky and tiny sparks of pixie dust rained down from the heavens causing flowers to grow every place they landed?

Because heart ache was like being tossed into a never ending pit and you're just falling. You can feel nothing but the bottom of your stomach smacking against your throat and all the while you feel as if you're on fire; burning from the inside out. There's no way to put out a fire no one can see and you're suffering a silent invisible pain; death seemed more pleasant.

This pain was exactly what I was trying to avoid by leaving, but it seemed fate wanted me to suffer a little while longer. I felt my chest rising and falling beneath my blouse and the syrup becoming stickier as it dried into my hair.

I must look like crazy and a mess all wound together into a frantic bundle.

"There you are."

It was Jared. A small laugh escaped his mouth as he took in my appearance, but his expression changed when he glanced at Dylan standing across from me with Vanessa. He didn't say anything; he only took hold of my hand and pulled me against him.

What was he doing?

"Jared?"

He didn't answer, instead he leaned down and my whole body froze when Jared's lips softly came onto contact with mine. Slowly I felt myself sink away and for the tiniest second I kissed him back forgetting every trouble or worry and only about these new strange lips that were working against my own.

Just as fast as I had drifted into this unexpected kiss I found myself snapping back into reality and pulled away; shocked, stunned and angry.

I looked at Jared with a sideways glare.

"What's going on?" It was Dylan and he was staring back and forth between me and Jared.

"Me and Kate were just on our way out of town, weren't we Kate?" Jared said smiling at me with a crooked smirk.

That son of a bitch, I would kill him the second we stepped foot out of this diner.

"You didn't tell me Jared was going with you," he said looking at me in a way that almost made me feel guilty which was ridiculous, he was the one getting married, "are you two... are you two seeing each other?" Dylan sounded like my protective older brother as he glared at Jared.

Jared scowled back at Dylan, "Well you didn't think I would let her go by herself..."something clicked in Jared's eyes and he seemed a little angry, "even if that was what you were going to do," he said rubbing my shoulder.

Vanessa looked confused and Dylan's jaw tensed.

I stepped away from Jared, "It was nice seeing you two again, but I really have to get going," I narrowed my eyes at Jared and spoke sweetly, "come on dear," I said tugging on his arm and leaving a confusingly disgruntled Dylan staring after us.

As soon as the morning air hit my face I felt like I could breathe for the first time in the past fifteen minutes.

"Look Kate, don't be mad I was only trying to help... I mean sure it wasn't exactly torture what I did, but... wait what's the matter with you?"

I was leaning on the side of a telephone pole and clutching my stomach.

"Are you actually laughing?" he asked wearily, he probably thought I had finally lost it.

I nodded at him with a grim smile.

For the first time out of this whole mess I couldn't continue to think about how horrible everything had went. The look on Dylan's face when Jared had kissed me- which I was mad about, and me covered in some body's breakfast was priceless and the only real sad thing was that I couldn't sit here and laugh about it with my best friend.

Jared stood there with his arms folded across his chest and a funny smile touched his lips, "Your cars ready," he offered.

"Thanks," I mumbled my laughing turning into a low chuckle.

I sighed," So I decided maybe it would be alright if you came with me after all... for the ride that is."

"Really?" he sounded surprised.

A car rolled by filled with a happy family. The little girl smashed her face against the window and waved at us. I smiled.

"Yes, but if you ever try and kiss me again, I will seriously be kicking your ass." I warned.

He chuckled lightly beneath his breath, "Fair enough."

As we walked past the window to the diner I saw Dylan staring at me through the thin transparent glass. I felt like a stranger looking in at a couple I didn't know.

Good bye Dylan I thought turning to look at Jared. He was smiling and squinting from the sun shining in his eyes as he waved to a passing car. Maybe I could use a friend after all.


chapter 8


"Come on Katie!"

I've been sitting on the edge of my bed for the past thirty minutes. My hair was pulled up into a chic polished bun and I was wearing the pale pink dress my mother had insisted on buying me. The fabric was soft and made my awkward teenage body that was still filling out, seem curvy and elegant. I wanted to take it off, throw down my hair and slip into my tattered sweats. Crawling under the covers and watching a cheesy romance seemed like such a better idea, but with everyone waiting down stairs; definitely not an option.

To say I was nervous was a total understatement, I was nervous as hell and every minute that passed only seemed to put me more on edge then before. I kept telling myself it was just a stupid dance, but I couldn't shake the thought that it might turn out to be so much more. That tonight could be the night. The night Dylan told me he loved me too, loved me more than as his little sister like friend and had since forever.

I knew it was more of a dream then a possibility, but like all fifteen year old girls I still thought dreams and reality were all one fairy tale that might just come true if I wanted it bad enough.

I stood up, running my hands over the front of my dress. If my mother saw a single crease I knew she would flip her lid and the last thing I wanted was to deal with her running the steamer over me again. She had spent a good hour on my face and it was the first time I had ever really worn makeup. To be honest I felt like a princess and if I were being extremely honest, I would have to say I looked like one too; minus the tiara. I hardly recognized myself in the mirror and I hoped Dylan wouldn't either. Maybe then he might think of me the way I thought of him.

I sighed heavily and walked over to my bedroom door that seemed to be growing bigger right before my eyes.

You could do this Kate. I closed my eyes letting my hand linger on the rim of the knob.

One, two, three and out the door I went, shutting it quickly so I wouldn't be tempted to run back inside.

"Katie! Come on already, every ones ready!" he yelled irritably up the stairs.

Okay I know I was taking a long time, but that was enough. He knows I have a short fuse.

"Dylan Scott! If you don't stop yelling up these stairs I'll never come down!"

"Alright, alright little Katie calm down I apologies your majesty," he grumbled lowly.

I could hear my father snickering.

"I heard that!" I shouted down.

Okay so this was getting ridiculous.

"Okay, here I come," I whispered.

Slowly and very carefully in my three inch heels; another torment bestowed upon me by my mother, I made my way down the stairs.

I nearly tripped on the first step and put my hand on the railing. My hand felt slippery against the slick wood and I noticed sweat building on my palm. Great Kate, sweat like a pig and you'll be sure to win him over.

"Honey you look Beautiful," my mother crooned as I rounded the edge of the stairs.

I looked straight past her to where Dylan's back was facing me as he talked to his two friends Dave and Jared who were standing with their dates Shirley and Emily; two senior girls who did not look happy to be kept waiting by me.

"Kate you look amazing," it was Jared Dylan's friend.

"What?"" Dylan said dramatically, "has the gracious Kate decided to finally come down stairs?"

I could hear the teasing smile in his voice.

When he turned around I could see the momentary surprise and something else that was hidden right away when he looked at me.

God why did he have to be so handsome? Just looking at him made my heart race and I tried not to let it show.

His hair was messy, but it was obvious he had tried to do something with it and he wore a black buttoned up dress shirt with slacks.

"Katie," he smiled, "You..." the way he was staring at me gave me goose bumps and I suddenly wished we were alone and not in this crowded room with our friends and family, "you're finally ready," he smirked.

"Thats sweet and all, but can we finally go?" whined Jared's date Emily.

"Wait, pictured first!" shouted both my mother and Mrs. Walsh at the same time causing them to giggle against each other. I swear those two together were like a pair of teenagers at times.

"Dylan sweetie," said his mom, "Stand next to Kate and scoot in for the picture," she said nudging him against me," first one with the whole group and then just you and Kate okay," she promised.

Dylan and I both sighed. Our mothers tended to take a million pictures with everything we did. We once had a mud pie bake sale...well, by the time they were finished, there was enough pictures to fill two whole albums.

Jared stood on one side of me and Dylan on the other, his date Emily was glaring at me over his shoulder. What was her problem? I know I was probably the only one in grade nine going to prom, but gees, she was staring lasers at me .

After about a reel of film it was time for me and Dylan's photo.

My stomach tightened and my dress began to feel stuffy. This boy was starting to give me an anxiety problem. Every time I was around him I felt nervous lately, like the walls were closing in.

Looking up at him as he tried to smooth out the front of his hair with his palm while his mother bickered about how he was supposed to cut his hair, I realized I truly loved everything about him. The way the left side of his eyes crinkled when he laughed or how his hair fell right above his eyes, just an inch shy enough to see the swirling depth of his bottomless brown eyes that were so warm and familiar beneath his dark lashes.

I wanted to touch his face with my hand and memorize everything about him. At the end of the year he would be going off to college and I suddenly didn't care how many pictures our mothers took because a thousand wouldn't have been enough. I wanted to remember this night forever.

Dylan smiled when he caught me staring at him and I quickly looked away feeling my cheeks burning, how long had I been staring? When I looked across the room I saw Jared smiling at me. What was it with that guy?

"Come on Katie, picture time princess," Dylan said as he grabbed my hand with his.

My hand felt like it was burning and I hoped he would never let go. It felt so right clasped inside his palm that was so much bigger than mine.

Like as if he could read my mind, he never let my hand fall and with the other he snaked it around my waist and pulled me against him. He smelled like soap and I leaned my head against his shoulder. He had grown at least four inches this past couple of years and it still amazed me.

"Okay just one more," said my mother.

Dylan leaned down and I felt his lips brush against my ear- I nearly keeled over right then and there from lack of breathe.

"You're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen Katie," he whispered. His voice was low and hoarse, his tone held a certain amount of seriousness to it.

A second later I felt the soft texture of his warm full lips against the side of my cheek and a second after that the flash of the camera glared against us.


*******************************


I flipped my wallet closed and shut away yet another memory of me and Dylan. He hadn't confessed his love for me that night, but I guess I never really thought that he might. My eyes burned and once again my heart hurt as it pounded rhythmically against the inside of my chest. I wondered if I would ever be fixed or remain forever broken.

I didn't want to be broken.

When I touched the side of my face I could still feel the soft impact of his lips that had only stayed pressed against my skin for a matter of seconds oh so many years ago and a single tear slid down my face.

"Hey are you alright?" Jared asked as he pulled into an old beat up gas station. We were somewhere in the middle of nowhere and the air felt dry and hot as it pushed past the open window and against my skin.

"I'm fine," I said running a hand over my face.

He looked at me for a long time until he put the car in park and turned off the ignition.

I was glad he left in alone and wasn't being his normal self by pushing me with questions, but of course I thought that a second too soon.

"So, what were you thinking about?" he asked.

I looked down at my wallet and shoved it into my purse.

I steadied myself and took a deep breath shutting out the past and forgetting about things that didn't matter anymore. Dylan was as good as gone and he wasn't ever coming back to me no matter how badly I wanted it, I was grown up and knew reality and fairy tales didn't mix.

I licked my lips and cleared my throat before stepping out of the car.

"Nothing," I said with a week smile, "I wasn't thinking about anything."

I didn't wait for him to answer or ask a thousand other questions about how I was doing. Instead I walked out into the field across from the old run down gas station and took the wallet out of my bag.

I unclasped the lock and pulled out the picture of me and Dylan at prom looking at in one more time before tearing it into pieces and throwing it into the wind. The sun was hot and the sky was filled with white puffy clouds that looked soft and silky against the baby blue sky.

My voice was hardly audible baneath the rumble and engine of a passing semi streaming down the highway, but the words made me feel strong and have something I hadn't felt in a while, and that was hope. They were just five little words, but I felt five thousand times stronger hearing myself say them.

"I will not be broken."

chapter 9

The ride so far was long and...long.


Jared hadn't said anything about my minor breakdown back at the gas station and for that I was grateful. The last thing you ever want is to be reminded of something you are trying desperately to forget.


The more I thought about it, the more I realized that Jared was really proving to be a good friend even if he did get on my nerves most of the time.


Rolling up my window I snuggled down into my seat trying to get comfortable. I felt bad for not talking to Jared and keeping him company while he drove, but I was too busy dealing with my own private thoughts.


The future was all I could think about. Where I would go, what I would do. This little get away would only keep me busy for a week or two and I needed something more permanent.


The last four years I had held onto a dream that just wasn't going to happen and picking up whatever pieces of myself I had left was going to be a struggle. Dylan was so much of everything I was. My entire life was somehow based with him being in it and now...that just wasn't possible.


Not with Vanessa.


The image of them together was unbearable. It stung my heart and made my abdomen hurt like I'd been punched in the gut.


I will not be broken, I will not be broken. I repeated these words over and over inside my head. I wanted them to be real and for me to believe them.


They say all wounds take time to heal, but a wound of the heart? It seemed like the worst kind of hurt and who's to say how long it will take for someone to get over their lifelong crush.


Glancing out the window and seeing the fields of green pastures laid beneath the swaying willow trees I knew this was the first step. Somehow I would rid myself of this affliction that made my body ache and I would be whole again.

I just didn't know if I could or if I really wanted to. This might sound dumb, but in a strange way I didn't want to stop being in love with Dylan. Being in love with him was wonderful. It made me feel happy, complete and hopeful. But that was before Vanessa and before he broke my heart.

Slowly the day came to an end and the moon drifted out into the open. I wondered how many stories of lovers lost it had witnessed under its watch; a million, a trillion?

"Hey, you mind if we stop for a while, I'm finding it hard to stay awake," Jared said as he stretched one arm over his head.

His did look sleepy. He had been driving for the past seven hours and only stopped a couple of times; another thing for me to feel guilty about.


I shrugged, "I don't mind."


"You hungry?" he asked.

My stomach gave a slight growl, "No," I was hungry, but food just didn't sound good.

"Come on Kate, we haven't eaten since breakfast and its well past dinner time now."

He sounded like my mother.

"Jared, I said I wasn't hungry," my voice slightly higher than before.

Why was I being difficult? I had no idea.

"Fine, but I think your stomach is saying otherwise," he mumbled under his breath.

"Look, just pull over to that mini mart down there," I said pointing down the highway to the nearest exit, "I'll grab us some snacks, okay," I finished hoping that this would satisfy him and giving him a small smile.

"Yeah okay," he said turning off the deserted highway and onto an old dirt road.

"You going to be okay in there, I could go in with you?" he asked unbuckling his seat belt and opening his door.

"Jared I'll be fine. You can rest your eyes while I'm inside. Besides, I need to freshen up," I said reaching for my carryon bag in the back seat.

"Any special requests?" I asked before shutting the door.

"Just a coffee," he sighed.

The inside of the mini mart was the same as the outside; old and rusty. It smelled like someone left a rotten carton of milk lying out in the sun and the floors looked like they hadn't seen a mop in years. The lights were dim and the man at the cash register had a long beard that tangled with the nest of ratted hair hanging down from the top of his head.

As I walked past him he scowled and set down the newspaper he was reading. He didn't look happy to have a customer; one of those grumpy older men who are just pissed off for no reason.

"Can I help you?" the man asked in a raspy voice. One you get from years of smoking.

"Umm...I'm just here for a few things. I can get it on my own thanks," god I wish I had let Jared come in with me. This guy looked like someone you didn't want to be left alone with.

I walked down the aisle and grabbed a bag of chips and some jerky, traveling food. I was about to grab a few energy drinks when something else caught my eye; the liquor aisle.

God I could use a drink. Dylan was the drinking age, but I had a feeling he wouldn't buy it for me if I asked him.


I leaned over the aisle taking another look at the cashier.

Nope, he wouldn't let me slide.

So I did something I had never done before. I had heard of kids back in high school pulling beer and liquor runs, but I had always been to chicken. I slid the bottle into my jacket and walked hesitantly up to the mean looking cashier.

"That everything?" the man asked suspiciously.

I think I was sweating.

"Uh huh," I muttered.

He put my things into the bag and I handed him some cash; even a little extra for the booze hidden in my jacket.


I reached for my bag when his hand slammed down on the table causing me to jump back.

"Listen here little lady, you think I don't know what you're up to!" he snarled.

Not knowing what else to do, I screamed and ran out of the store as fast as I could.

"Jared, Jared, start the car!" I yelled.

I nearly slid in the dirt when I heard the chime of the door slam open.

"Hey get back here!" he shouted after me.

This was a horrible idea. I'm not a bad ass who does stuff like this and for obvious reasons. I'm probably going to wind up in jail or worse. My heart was beating like it might rip from my chest as I slammed the door and shook Jared awake.

"Jared go now!"

"What's going on?" he asked confused.

I struggled to put my seat belt on. My hands were shaking. This would definitely be the end to my criminal streak.


"I'll explain later, please just go, he's coming." I urged.

Jared started the car and spun out of the parking lot leaving a very angry man yelling after us.

"I'm sorry," I yelled as we drove past him in a whirlwind of dust and pebbles.

"What the hell is going on Kate?"

Oh god, what did I say, I stole?

"Nothing, I just...I...I stole something," I muttered under my breath.

"You what?" he asked.

Yelling, "I said I stole something!"

I felt so humiliated.

I expected Jared to yell at me, but I was surprised when he started laughing.

"You can't be serious," he said laughing so hard he was clutching his side with one hand.

I wanted to be mad at him for laughing at me, but I had to admit it was the most daring thing I had ever done. And it wasn't like I was a real thief, I had given the guy money for the bottle still strapped into the inside pocket of my jacket.

Jared was still laughing and I frowned playfully at him and took his cap right off of his head.

"What now you're stealing my hat now, I never knew you were so crazy?" he teased.

I raised my eyes at him with a sneaky smile and smacked him with his own hat.

"It's not funny Jared," I warned.

"Oh its funny alright, miss never done anything bad in her life."

What was that supposed to mean?

"Hey I've done things Jared; you don't know everything about me," I reminded him.

"Maybe," he said with a smile, "but I doubt there isn't much I don't know about you Kate."

His laughter stopped after that. The road suddenly seemed very interesting to him and I wondered what had happened. I handed him some jerky and he took it without looking at me.

The road seemed to go on forever after that until I spotted a road sign up ahead that said rest stop.

"There has to be a hotel somewhere up the road, let's get one already. Were both tired and I need to lie down." I looked over at Jared who nodded his head in compliance.

We parked the car and headed to the check in counter. It was the kind of place that only had a walk up window.

"You guys need a room?" He was a young guy maybe my age.

I didn't like the way he looked at me.

Jared went to answer, "Yeah, will take-"

"Two rooms," I cut in.

Jared shook his head and laughed.

"Sorry, only got the one," said the clerk.


"What do you mean only one," I nearly shouted.


"I mean I only got only one," he said.

"Does it at least have two...you know beds?" I asked hopeful.


"Sorry miss, just one single room with one bed."

I was not sharing a bed with Jared, especially since I had planned on crying myself to sleep and digging the spare picture of me and Dylan out of my suit case.

"Look Kate, I can sleep in the car, its fine," Jared said tiredly.

I couldn't do that.

"Isn't there any other place around here?" I asked.

I looked behind me and saw nothing but farmland and open road. Why was it that whenever you go on road trips you always wind up in the middle of nowhere.

"Not for another twenty miles," the young guy who I was starting to hate answered.

Deciding there was no other choice I nodded okay to Jared.

This was going to be one weird night.

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Tag der Veröffentlichung: 22.03.2010

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